All language subtitles for dollface.s01e05.web.h264-tbs.en

‐ Hey!

Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?! Oh!

‐ I was watching you surf.

‐ Well, that wasn't me,
I surfed two hours ago.

I get up much earlier than you do.

‐ This is the same reason
I hate watching football.

You can't tell anyone apart!

Ah.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

How on earth did you
learn to punch like that?

Well, earlier this year,

Stella and I went to this bonfire
where Stella ended up meeting

her "Ayurvedic soul mate" or whatever.

But it turned out,
he had a girlfriend who got drunk

and lit Stella's fashion poncho on fire.

We brought top‐shelf tequila,
so technically no one should've been upset

about anything,
but people are irrational.

Anyhoo, we were like,
that obviously can't ever happen again.

We need to know how to protect ourselves,
so, we enrolled in a self‐defense class.

‐ Wait. Which one is Stella again?
‐ Unironically owned a rabbit,

dated her therapist,
sometimes house‐sits for Macklemore.

‐ I thought Stella was the, uh, sad girl
who doesn't wash her hair,

the one with the cat.

‐ Yeah, no, that's Jules.
‐ Okay, so then Izzy

is the one who just broke up
with her boyfriend,

brought a puzzle to a bar.

‐ No, that's... also Jules.

‐ I wanna meet them.
‐ What? Wait...

I thought we had to keep things private
until the divorce finalized?

‐ Well, that's true,
but I know how you hate it

that I don't know your friends,
and I wanna meet them.

You know, if she gets the house,
she gets the house.

I'm kidding.

Let's do dinner, all of us.

I can't imagine you've actually
kept me a secret from them, have you?

‐ No, I have.
‐ Are you lying?

‐ I am.
‐ Then let's do dinner!

All of us. Your place. Come on.

‐ Oh, God. I mean, oh good!

Because I...
definitely know how to cook.

‐ Unless if you think
it's too awkward, you know,

with the age difference and everything.

‐ No, no way!

My friends are crazy mature for their age.

I mean, I can't remember
a time when we weren't discussing

our portfolios and deductibles, or 2008.

‐ Do you think Gordon Gekko
is coming for dinner?

‐ The lizard in the commercials?
He has a name?

‐ Never mind. It was...

‐ Oh, right, from the...
‐ I was just kidding.

‐ Obviously.
‐ Yeah.

‐ This is gonna be great.

: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

‐ It wasn't me.

Again, Turtle?

God, and I'm hosting Ramona's
bachelorette party today.

I don't need this.

Don't give me that look,
I don't feel bad for you.

Just because you miss Jeremy's dog

doesn't mean you can just
fly off the handle.

Get your emotions under control!

‐ If I may,

you two are in a destructive
cycle of conflict.

Come with me.

We need to open this up.

Jules, our goal
is to remove the blockages

that are stopping you
from connecting with Turtle.

You're the one who agreed to be
Ramona's bridesmaid, not him.

‐ My only blockage is my cat
destroying my kitchen

on the one day it needed
to look like the kitchen

of a person who is healthy and adjusted

and not completely heartbroken
over anyone's brother.

‐ Remember, Jules,
it's not you against Turtle,

it's you and Turtle against the problem.

Why don't you talk
about how you're feeling

as opposed to what you're thinking?

‐ I feel like I think

Ramona needs to see
that I'm doing amazing

and report that back to Jeremy.

‐ Do you think that
maybe what's going on

is that you're not over your breakup

and instead, you're making the problem
about your cat?

‐ Exactly. The real problem is the cat.

Turtle is sad because
when we moved out of Jeremy's,

we had to leave Johnny Drama
and now he's acting out.

But I can fix this.

‐ For the record,
this session was unproductive!

‐ It's only weird if you make it weird.

‐ There you go. See, Turtle?

Feeling better already.

Hey, uh, so I feel a little weird

to just come up and tell you this, but‐‐

‐ Oh, God.
Look, I'm sure plenty of people come here

hoping for a pet‐inspired
meet‐cute situation,

and I'm very flattered,
but it is not a great time for me.

‐ You just stepped in shit.

Lucky for you, I am kind of
a compulsive cleaner.

Here.

‐ Um, I'm really sorry,
by the way, about that

whole speech before, um...

Honestly, I just got a little freaked out

because I thought you were
gonna hit on me.

Right, and I would obviously freak you out

because upon first glance,
I'm either totally revolting

or seem like a serial killer?

‐ No. Nope. No, it's not that.

You, you don't seem like
a serial killer, trust me.

I mean, not "trust me" like
I have experience with serial killers,

because I don't.

I mean, I don't think I do
just because I'm alive?

Anyway, I'm Jules. This is Turtle.

‐ I'm Wes, this is Ollie.

So is Turtle one of those
species‐fluid cats?

Very woke of him.

‐ Well, he's used to being
around a dog and, um,

he's been a little depressed lately,
so I thought this might be a good idea.

I don't know, is that crazy?
‐ No, it's not crazy at all.

A lot of people don't realize it,

but animals can struggle
with separation anxiety,

and all sorts of mental health
problems that people do.

‐ What are you, a cat doctor?

‐ Most people just say "veterinarian,"

but, yeah, I guess technically
I'm a doctor of cats and such.

‐ Oh.

Well... I just put my foot in my mouth.

‐ I'd strongly advise against that
given the circumstances.

Anyway, I don't want to take up your time

or be that vet at a dog park
handing out his card,

but just in case something comes up.

‐ Okay.

‐ Nice to meet you.
‐ Bye.

Hey. Follow me.

‐ It legit smells fucked up in here.

‐ I'm getting notes of a burnt something.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

‐ I set Ina Garten on fire
during the third chicken.

‐ Toasted book,
that's what I was smelling.

‐ Less judging, more helping.

Colin's gonna be here in an hour

and I've gotta cook something
that 46‐year‐olds eat.

‐ My grandpa always gets it up
for a nice piece of fish.

‐ I'm sorry, can your grandfather's boner
not be a part of this conversation?

‐ Hey, don't hate
on my grandfather's boner.

I wouldn't be here
without my grandfather's boner.

‐ Is this a Gucci belt
in your silverware drawer?

‐ This is my overflow closet.
I don't cook a lot.

‐ Why don't we just Postmates?
You know, maybe the Postmates guy

will be cute, and then you can go
on a date with him

instead of cooking dinner
for this old fuck.

‐ Stella, was I this unsupportive
that time you dated that mime?

‐ Yes. You called him "Quiet Clown"

and then kicked him out
of your birthday dinner.

‐ Well, he made me wanna... myself.

Look,
Colin wants to meet you guys,

so this dinner has to be elegant,
adult and sophisticated.

Which reminds me,
no one can act like themselves.

‐ I have experience with that.
‐ Izzy,

don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog.

Ooh! Or how you got
that permanent bottom retainer.

Or that dream where
you're a Christmas tree.

And don't call things "fire."

It never sounds natural
when you say it.

‐ Really? "That dress is fire.
That dress is fire."

‐ I just want to painstakingly
construct an aura

of sophistication and maturity
that is both effortless and natural.

‐ This feels like the domestic equivalent
of faking an orgasm.

You know, they're never gonna get better
if we keep pretending.

‐ It is not pretending.

It's like when you put on
tinted moisturizer,

clear brow gel, brown mascara,
loose setting powder, and matte lip balm

in order to achieve a carefully
crafted makeup‐free look.

‐ Holy shit. Can you repeat that?
I gotta write it down.

‐ Just stick to the areas of conversation

that make us seem
worldly and cosmopolitan.

The following is a list of
dinner party approved topics:

"The dangers of social media,
the absence of the middle class,

"travel anxiety, Lipitor, classic rock,

airline reward points, and Frasier."

Stella, I need you to email
that list to Jules.

‐ Okay, that's adorable
you think I listened to that

and could regurgitate it into an email.

‐ Jules says she's gonna be late,
she has her cousin's bachelorette party.

Don't mention the bachelorette
party to Colin,

it makes it sound slutty and young.

‐ Oh, my God!

Did someone turn on the oven?

You were trying to cook
a whole chicken on the stove.

No! Shit, I keep my heels in there!

‐ It doesn't feel like it was
my responsibility to know that.

My shoes! My Louboutins!

‐ Another supermodel
is ready for the runway.

What do you think?
‐

‐ Oh, my God!

‐ Oh, my God.

‐ It screams "me."

‐ You are getting the full
Dallas treatment today. Oh!

Thank you to my besties for being here.

Especially my girls
who flew out from Texas.

Oh! You brought like a little bit of home
here to L. A. for my batch weekend.

Hash tag HolyMatramona, tag your Instas.

‐ Oh, uh, quick housekeeping announcement
from the maid of honor.

For those of you who haven't,

if you could Venmo me the $576
for the tea, sachets, decor and hotel.

Oh, and that doesn't include
the party bus or dinner this evening.

Now, gettin' into games,

let's each go around
and talk about the first time

we met Ramona.

‐ Miss Maid of Honor,

you have one minute for your answer.

‐ I'll never forget
the first time I met Ramona.

It was the first day of kindergarten,

and her Barbie lent my Barbie
the most incredible pair

of plastic open‐toed espadrilles.

‐ Thank you, Miss Maid of Honor.

Miss Friend from Camp?

‐ Ramona and I made friendship bracelets

that we promised
we'd give our daughters one day.

- Aw!
‐ Whoo! Go Camp Wannaweepweep!

‐ Miss Dumped by the Bride's Brother?

‐ Uh... Hi.

‐ I'll repeat the question.
When did you first meet Ramona?

‐ Um, I think it's
when I came to a Thanksgiving.

With Jeremy.

‐ Are you still harboring secret
and unresolved feelings for him?

‐ No one else got a second question.
‐ It's a two‐parter.

‐ I mean, am I completely over it?

Define "completely."

Define "over."
Define "it."

‐ It must be so hard to put
on a brave face in a situation

that is so obviously totally crushing you.

‐ Uh, did we do away with swimsuit?

Because I feel like that's gonna
be more comfortable than this.

‐
Something just touched my foot!

‐ I'm so sorry about your face, Ramona.

Turtle has been acting out lately.

I... I totally understand if you don't
want me to be in your wedding anymore.

‐ Are you kidding?

You can't back out,
not because of your cat,

and not because of my idiot
little brother either, okay?

Dumping you before my wedding
was so selfish of him.

‐ Yeah, that was my first
thought after the breakup too.

‐ This isn't about Jer, right?
‐ No. No, no, no. No.

You're an only child
as far as I'm concerned.

I'm just glad you're not mad at me.

‐ Oh, it wasn't your fault.

Just tell me, is it bad?

‐
‐ No.

‐
‐ Oh, gosh no.

Hey, Mads. My thing ended early

because of a third‐degree burn situation,

so I'm just gonna wash my face
and head over‐‐

‐ Change of plans.
We're having dinner at your place.

Oh, my God, what is this?

‐ My cousin's bachelorette party.
‐ The party was here?

Fuck the dangers of social media,

this is what Instagram stories are for.

‐ I swear I know the model for this.

‐ Why would you move
the dinner party to my house?

‐ Because Izzy set my shoes on fire

and I didn't know you were
hosting a penis festival.

‐ Penis festival.

‐ Okay, everyone split up.

Colin's gonna be here any minute.
Hide the dicks.

‐ Okay, I think we got it all.

It won't deflate! It's too hard!

‐ Try stepping on the balls.
Okay.

‐ Knock‐knock. I brought Pinot.

‐ Welcome to my home.

‐ Uh, everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.

Hey, girls.

That's quite the large penis
you have there.

It's an art installation.

Uh, Jules is really
into feminist modernism.

‐ Yep. I got it at a... gallery.

‐ Cool. Cool. Which one?

‐ It's just called, um, Gallery.

It's minimalist.

‐ Stella, Izzy, why don't you guys
make Colin a drink from the bar cart

that houses various types
of aged and unaged alcohols?

Sit down, honey.
Jules, I need your help in the kitchen.

‐ Perfect. Well, feel free
to make yourself at‐‐

‐ Normally I would have
questions about why you look

like a Dolly Parton impersonator,
but we need to focus.

‐ The bachelorette party
had this guy doing makeovers.

‐ What, and you did something
to make him hate you?

I can see your line.

‐ My what?
‐ Your line.

The completely unblended line
where your foundation dead‐ends

into the rest of your neck.

The line that screams,
"In case you were wondering,

this is not at all
what I actually look like!"

‐ Oh, is it anything like
the line between normal Madison

and the person who keeps rearranging
the same six Brussels sprouts

on that plate like a culinary Rain Man?

‐ We can insult each other later.

Right now, I need this dinner
to go perfectly.

‐ Colin seems like a pretty chill guy.

‐ Look, I know he says
he doesn't care how mature I am,

but his beach house says otherwise.

Look, his ex‐wife was obviously
an incredible homemaker

and had the interior design
instincts of Jonathan Adler.

So tonight has to be
the definition of sophistication.

Who's hungry?

Ah. Izzy, Stella,
can you help set the table?

You know how we normally do
during all the dinner parties

we're constantly throwing.

‐ I got it.

Hey.

‐ Hey. Is this Jules' place?

I'm Steve.
I'm here for the party.

‐ Sure, come on in.
‐ Oh, thank you.

‐ Jules, your friend Steve's here.

‐ Oh, my God.
Hello, Steve. Uh...

So good of you to come. Welcome.

‐ Who the fuck is that?

‐ It's not not the stripper

from the bachelorette party
I forgot to cancel.

‐ Jules!
‐ Handling it. Handling it.

‐ Make you a drink? You look like
an old‐fashioned kind of guy.

‐ Yeah, sure,

just an old‐fashioned
Jager and Red Bull for me.

‐ Okay.

‐ Oh, my‐‐ No‐no‐no‐no! Oh, boy!

We should, uh, it's cold, right?

So we should just leave
the coat on, I think.

‐ Oh, okay, whatever you want.
You're paying for it.

‐ Uh, look, uh, Steve, listen.

There's been a little
misunderstanding, okay?

And, uh, I think we really need to talk

before this night goes
completely off the rails.

We don't have a lot of time, Steve.

We have to switch gears quickly!

I'm very, very sorry
no one called to cancel,

but, uh, tonight you are not a stripper.

Okay, Steve?
You're a guest at a dinner party.

You understand what I'm saying?

‐ Got it. I am a "guest"
at a dinner party.

‐ Ooh, Steve, I feel like
you're not following

and it is very important that we get
on the same page right now.

Okay? Who are you tonight?

‐ I am a "guest" at a "dinner party."

‐ No air quotes, Steve.
The air quotes are very concerning.

This is a matter of life or death.

If this night is a train wreck,
Madison is going to kill me.

No sandwiches!

We're as ready as we'll ever be, Steve.

We have to jump.

Come on!

‐ Whoa!

Uh... Keep that closed, Steve.

‐ What were you two up to in there?

‐ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Kissing.

This chicken is delicious, Mads.

I thought your knowledge of food
ended with takeout from Fat Dragon.

‐ We always get takeout when we have
our French cinema marathons.

Oh, honey, we should watch
Moulin Rouge again.

‐ Fully Australian film,
shot in Australia.

‐ Anyway, uh, I don't always
have time to cook,

I'm a very busy girl‐‐
uh, woman, very busy woman.

Oh, but it's such a treat
to casually throw together

a gourmet chicken and nine sides.

‐ Oh, wow.
You are really extra right now.

‐ Extra great wife material.

Not that you need a wife.
Or have ever had one.

Or still do. Never mind.

We weren't supposed
to talk about this. Divorce.

‐ Honey, uh, would you like
more mac and cheese?

‐ Uh, yeah, please, yeah.

Have I ever told you
about the, uh, mac and cheese

at my favorite spot in New Orleans?

‐ Oh, we're supposed to go
in February for Mardi Gras.

Last time we were there, I met this guy
who had the biggest fetish for a‐‐

‐ Chicken! Anyone want seconds?
There's so much chicken here. Colin, you?

‐ Uh...
- Yeah, maybe later.

Okay.
‐ Or, right now is good, yeah.

There's something that tastes
so familiar about it.

‐ Ass play.
That was the fetish.

Sorry, I got cut off before.

Cool.

So everyone psyched for the weekend?

‐ Oh my God, are you going, too?
‐ Going where?

‐ The Weeknd.
‐ Yeah, but I'm asking where.

Oh, they haven't
announced it yet, but it's supposed to be

a really small venue, really intimate,

and The Hadids might be there,
but who knows.

‐ Okay, so a concert.

Yeah.

‐ Who's playing?

‐ The Weeknd.

‐ You're the one who pretended
to be someone else, right?

‐ Hmm. Maybe I can be helpful, Colin.

Um, the Weeknd is a singer,

whose real name is Abel,
and he has some...

cool tunes.

‐ They're called bops.

"I Can't Feel My Face When I'm with You"?

It's one of the greatest
love songs of our time.

‐ Right. Yeah.

‐ So does, uh, anyone else have
anything they'd like to say?

‐ I read something kind of cool.
‐ Anyone other than Steve?

‐ It was in the Wall Street Journal,
about how interest rates

are at their highest mark
since 2011, yet consumers‐‐

‐ Aren't able to generate enough income
to put money into savings.

Yeah, I saw that.

Do you think it's going to have
an impact on the housing market?

‐ It's hard to say, you know.
If first‐time homebuyers

aren't able to put together
a down payment‐‐

I know, well then
what difference does it make

how many jumbo loans
they can string together?

‐ It's pick your poison.

‐ I know, that's exactly
what I've been saying. Yeah.

What do you do again, Steve?

‐
I'm a guest at a dinner party.

‐ Living in the moment.
I love this guy.

‐ On that note,
I want to propose a toast.

This dinner was all about bringing
together a group of like‐minded adults

who've really made an impact on my life.

My boyfriend Colin...

my best friends in the world...
Jules, Stella, Izzy...

and Steve.

So let's all raise a glass.

Let's... all raise a glass.

Please excuse me
while I excuse myself, please.

Oh shit!

Turtle ate a bag of dicks!

‐
‐ Thank you so much for coming.

I didn't know who else to call.

‐ Don't worry.
You did the right thing.

Do you have any idea
how many dicks he ate?

‐ Um, well, I think he got through
most of the cookie dicks,

but there were also gummy dicks
and like a marshmallow dick, I think.

‐ It's really important
I know exactly what was in it.

Um, well, it's still
in the garbage, let me look.

‐ Boston Market.
That's what I was tasting.

‐ Jules, can you stop
the dumpster dive, please?

‐ I'm looking for what he ate, okay?

‐ Colin, for the record,
I did cook a chicken.

Just not the one you ate.
She did.

She tried.
She cooked like five chickens,

and probably would have kept going

if we didn't set her shoes
on fire in the oven.

‐ Guys, it's really fine.
When I was in my 20s,

I couldn't make a bowl of cereal
without screwing something up.

‐ But look at him now.
Sixty years later and he's a doctor.

‐ Ow! How old do you think I am?

‐ Speaking of doctors, how loose
are you with health insurance

if I need to get a checkup
to get scuba certified?

‐ Uh... not loose.

‐ He's totally fine,
he vomited everything up.

You know, I just think Turtle
could maybe use a little space,

if you guys don't mind clearing out.

‐ This is great, Jules.
This is going really well.

Your cat's having an exorcism,
and my boyfriend thinks I'm an 11‐year‐old

who's more equipped to make
myself Lucky Charms than‐‐
- Wait!

He didn't eat Lucky Charms, did he?
‐ No.

I can't believe you're trying
to make this my fault.

I mean, why the hell would you tell Colin
we're sophisticated in the first place?

We brought Taco Bell
to a Friendsgiving last weekend.

‐ Well, sorry for wanting to come off
a little more mature.

Have you never wanted to make yourself
a little bit better than you actually are?

‐ Are you kidding? I'm constantly trying
to seem better than I am.

I wanna seem like I'm totally happy
being single with my girlfriends

and not still heartbroken all the time.

‐ Well, I didn't realize you
were still feeling that way

and I think it's really brave
of you to admit that.

‐ Well, I think you don't have
to try so hard

because you're already perfect
the way you are

and any guy you're dating
should be able to see that.

‐ Well, I really appreciate
that coming from you

'cause you are my best friend
and I'm so happy you're back in my life.

‐ Guys, I think we should all
kind of take a breather here.

You know, maybe listen to some music.

Alexa, play party music.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

‐ Whoa.

‐ Uh, Steve?

‐ Colin, I may have slightly exaggerated
the maturity levels of my friends and I.

‐ Whoo! Yes!

‐ Do you have Venmo?
I'm so Venmoing you!

‐ Save on haircuts, save on car wash,
save on Smog Check.

‐ What makes you say that?

‐ Look, I'm sorry I got so crazy tonight.

I was just so happy you wanted
to know my friends and...

Whoo!
‐ ...now you do.

Any chance this is endearing?

‐ It's entirely endearing.

Oh, remind me to get
Steve's email before I go.

I want to send him this Forbes article
about emerging markets.

Oh, my God.

‐ Thank you again for coming
to a stranger's house

to solve a very weird problem.

‐ Trust me, I've seen weirder.

There was a situation with
a ferret and a box of tampons.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get
that image out of my head.

‐ Well, could you do me a favor
and get this out of your head?

Because, uh, this is not
my normal evening look.

‐ Oh, yeah, I don't remember
your eyelids being

quite so... cerulean?

‐ Yeah, I guess I was just, um...

pretending to be something I'm not.

In a lot of ways.

‐ Hey, I... I completely get that.

I pretend, too, sometimes.

For example, I once gave my card
to a woman under the guise

that she would call me
if she needed a vet,

but really, I just wanted her to call me.

‐ How about I call you
if Turtle eats another dick?

‐ Or if he doesn't.

‐ Or if he doesn't.