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1
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:03,510
You're my father.
2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,110
Why didn't you use protection?
3
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,550
It was the '70s, I liked
to go in bareback.
4
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,670
We could live our own
lives and not in a palace
5
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,790
but just in a castle or
a normal stately home.
6
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,350
Pippa, just so you know, you are
pretty enough to be a prostitute.
7
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,950
246 fights, 246 knock-outs.
8
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,630
You see, I'm proud of being a gypsy.
9
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,350
I just had the most brilliant
idea for an online business.
10
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,910
A dating app for aristocrats
11
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,950
and the people that want
to have sex with them.
12
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,510
Pippa, I'd like you to meet my fiancee.
13
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,070
I'm going to be king again.
14
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,430
And you've just got the
hang of the washing machine.
15
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,110
Oh!
16
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:38,160
The baby!
17
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:46,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
18
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,750
- We love you, William!
- Go! Drive!
19
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,390
Well, that's the Germaine Greer
Centre for Women's Studies opened.
20
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,470
Oh, this is ridiculous!
21
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,190
Is this all the royal family does?
22
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,590
Oh, stop wh-wh-whining.
23
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,630
George VI out of The King's Speech.
24
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,070
And do you think I wanted to be king
25
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,990
with this f-f-f-flipping
speech impediment?
26
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,550
- Well, no.
- I bloody well got on with it.
27
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:19,910
But I had plans, yeah?
28
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,390
I wanted to be a helicopter
pilot and then an estate agent.
29
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,110
Lots of people can be pilots
30
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,110
and literally anyone
can be an estate agent,
31
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,160
but only one man can ever be a k-king.
32
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,550
But opening things seems so pointless.
33
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,270
Well, then, find something else.
34
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,470
Some part of royal life
that's been left to rot
35
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,790
and needs dragging into the 21st century.
36
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,710
The Royal Variety Show.
37
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,790
Exactly.
38
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,630
But you have to toughen up!
39
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,750
You're going to be a king,
not Nick Grimshaw's sidekick.
40
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,990
Now, you look in that mirror
and say "I will be king."
41
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,030
I will be king.
42
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,150
- Louder.
- I will be king!
43
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,790
- Really mean it.
- I will be king!
44
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,840
I will be king!
45
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,630
Hello, Kate.
46
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,270
Hello, Archbishop of Canterbury.
47
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,630
I mean, Justin! Just picking
some flowers for the abbey.
48
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,910
Your time in Rickmansworth
hasn't dulled your eye for colour.
49
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,630
I know it must've been hard for you
50
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,430
but, for selfish reasons,
I'm glad you came back.
51
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,150
Well, the vicar in Rickmansworth
52
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,910
didn't have your broad-minded attitude
53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,950
towards my pagan corn dollies.
54
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,390
It's a family tradition.
55
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,590
They ward off evil.
56
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,790
Well, Jesus is supposed to do that
57
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,190
but I'm sure he'll be glad of all help.
58
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,350
It's so nice to speak
to you again, Justin.
59
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,910
Since we got back from
Rickmansworth, Wills has been so...
60
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,030
- .. distant.
- Can I help in any way?
61
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,470
No. I shouldn't have mentioned it.
62
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,270
- Oh, there was one thing.
- Yes?
63
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,750
I've just pulled these
tyres out of a skip.
64
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,800
They've been thrown away but I think
there's still 10,000 miles in them.
65
00:02:57,910 --> 00:02:58,910
At least.
66
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,190
Wills is usually so encouraging
about my scavenging
67
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,950
but, the way he is now, I wonder
if I might keep them here,
68
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,110
just till I find a buyer.
69
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:10,160
- I'll put them in the palace now.
- Great.
70
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,190
Er... Pippa?
71
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,950
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here in my professional capacity,
72
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,390
- as a party planner.
- Oh.
73
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,440
It was my idea to serve
the tea in teacups.
74
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,990
So, how's married life?
75
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,550
Oh, I didn't get married
in the end. I realised...
76
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,790
So you're single?
77
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,710
That's right. Footloose and fancy free.
78
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,230
Hang on, you don't fancy getting
a coffee sometime, do you?
79
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,350
Just a coffee,
80
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,590
and then having a shag?
81
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,230
That's so sweet Harry but...
82
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,910
- .. it's complicated.
- Pippa.
83
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,230
This is Jasper.
84
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,110
It's nice to meet you.
Erm... You look familiar.
85
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,870
Here, you weren't skiing
in Verbier in the spring?
86
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,270
No. You weren't at Snoop
Dogg's Las Vegas afternoon
87
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,510
- all-you-can-snort sex buffet, were you?
- So, everything sorted?
88
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,630
Yeah, I've got a private
jet taking us to Mustique
89
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,870
- nine o'clock Saturday.
- Oh, off on holiday?
90
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,310
We're getting married.
91
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,270
Jasper's my fiance.
92
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,350
Bollocks.
93
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,270
Excuse me. I meant fuck.
94
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,310
Ooh, looks like your party
planning skills are required.
95
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:22,360
No, I told them to put the
sandwiches on top of the tray!
96
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,440
Nice to see you again, Harry.
97
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,710
What are we going to do?
98
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,830
We haven't got a fraction
of what we owe Debrett's
99
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,190
for illegally using their
name on our app, Debrett's.
100
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,550
Why do you think I'm writing
a fucking children's book?
101
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,550
Oh, wow. Is it something
fresh and original?
102
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,790
Er, just a bit!
103
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,910
It's about a marmalade
sandwich-eating bear from Peru
104
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,190
who turns up at a major
London train station.
105
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,990
I've called it King's Cross St Pancras.
106
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,510
The time for messing around is over.
107
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,150
I'm going to get a proper job.
108
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,830
Well, I'll never join the rat race.
109
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,710
Working 12 till three?
110
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:01,870
Two days a week?
111
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,710
We can't live off hand-outs.
112
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,790
I'm going out to work.
113
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,150
Starting tomorrow.
114
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,710
Tomorrow's our spa day.
115
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,070
Starting Wednesday.
116
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,070
You have to toughen up.
You're going to be a king.
117
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,270
Where have you been?
118
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,950
Just been chatting to some D-Day veterans.
119
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,310
I always feel so inadequate
around people like that.
120
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,550
Well, don't.
121
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,590
Why shouldn't a group of
90-year-old war heroes
122
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,070
bow to a girl in her early 30s
just because she married me?
123
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,710
- Are you all right?
- Oh, I'm fine.
124
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,950
Look, we might not get much
time alone together later
125
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000
so I thought I'd give you
your anniversary present now.
126
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,350
Well?
127
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,790
You didn't forget...
128
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,150
No, I didn't forget. I
just didn't have the time.
129
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,110
What are you doing that could be
more important than our anniversary?
130
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,550
The Royal Variety Show.
131
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,470
I'm going to make this year's
the best there's ever been,
132
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,520
starting with booting off Union J.
133
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,510
Wills?
134
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,590
Trouble in paradise?
135
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,390
- No.
- Pippa.
136
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,190
Oh, there's my boyfriend Jasper.
137
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,510
Been wanting to introduce you.
138
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,230
Unlike your husband, he doesn't rely
on state hand-outs for his money.
139
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,110
He actually puts something back.
140
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,590
Oh, so what do you do, Jasper?
141
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,670
I'm an asset stripper.
142
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,430
Ah. I'd better take this. It's the
new owners of Brompton Bicycles.
143
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,390
Pippa, are you sure you don't
have feelings for Harry?
144
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,910
Harry? Why would you even say that?
145
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Well, doesn't Jasper
remind you of somebody?
146
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,760
No!
147
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,750
Oh, Harry looks upset.
148
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,800
I hope he doesn't go
on an all-night bender.
149
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,790
Everything all right, darling?
150
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,670
I just saw Dr Felanesi.
151
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,110
He says I'm not pregnant at all.
152
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,110
This is just...
153
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,350
.. trapped wind.
154
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,550
Goodness me, that's awful.
155
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,190
Poor you.
156
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,390
- What are we going to do?
- There's always adoption.
157
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:33,750
What's the point of that?
158
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,270
Well, you'd still get to express
all your maternal instincts.
159
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,830
- With what?
- And they do say the child turns out
160
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,030
just like its adoptive parents.
161
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,270
Yes.
162
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,670
Yes, it'd be like a piece of Play-Doh
163
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,110
I could mould in my own image.
164
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,390
Influence all his thinking,
165
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,950
guide every choice he makes.
166
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,000
Like a puppet master.
167
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,880
Get the air freshener, Ken.
168
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:15,430
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
169
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,150
No!
170
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,550
I don't believe you.
171
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,990
This is how I've done it every
night for the last four years.
172
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,710
Er, this is the Royal Variety Show.
173
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,630
I intend to make it the greatest one
since Freddie Starr got an encore
174
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,190
for his Mick Jagger
impression. Now do it again!
175
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,590
I'm tired, Wills.
176
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,640
I'm tired, sir!
177
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,110
OK, everyone, take five.
178
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,630
Then you're on, cowardly lion.
179
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,310
Now that...
180
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,910
.. I believe.
181
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,670
♪ Working 9 to 5
182
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,230
♪ What a way to make a living
183
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,470
♪ Barely getting by
184
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,750
♪ It's all taking and no giving
185
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,030
♪ They just use your mind
186
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,350
♪ And they never give you credit
187
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,400
♪ It's enough to drive you
crazy if you let it... ♪
188
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,710
- Sorry to keep you.
- Oh, it's all right.
189
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,710
Did you know there's a big railway
under London called the Tube?
190
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,390
Er, yeah. This way.
191
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,630
Ooh! Just wanted to check a
couple of points on the contract.
192
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,150
It says Monday to Friday.
193
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,870
Is that a mistake?
194
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,630
- No, that's standard.
- Really?
195
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,990
Oh! And it says 30 days holiday a year.
196
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,310
Is there a nought missing off that?
197
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,190
- Er, that would be ten
months holiday a year. - Yeah.
198
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,790
- No, it's just 30 days.
- OK.
199
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,840
And where do we take our naps?
200
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,750
- Justin?
- Kate!
201
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,590
How lovely to... To see you. Come in.
202
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,670
Erm... I'm sorry about the caravan.
203
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,110
I... I've given the
palace over to refugees.
204
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,390
That's wonderful.
205
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,150
And I was brought up in one of these.
206
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,070
A good old Bailey Pageant De Ville.
207
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,270
I got it off Gumtree.
208
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,430
I've converted the toilet
into a confessional.
209
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:10,990
Oh, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
210
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,990
In our one, you could hear everything.
211
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,040
Or at least you could
after dad had a curry!
212
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,520
Ooh!
213
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,310
Is everything all right, Kate?
214
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,630
Yes.
215
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,990
No.
216
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,430
It's Wills.
217
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,350
He's become completely obsessed
with the Royal Variety Show.
218
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,400
- Mm.
- I just feel so alone.
219
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,680
Forgive me but have you
been taking care of business?
220
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,310
In the bedroom, I mean.
221
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,350
Yes.
222
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,070
Varying things? Different
positions, dressing up,
223
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,990
surprising each other
with sex toys and so forth?
224
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,030
Yes.
225
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,350
Well, then, I think you're
worrying needlessly.
226
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,910
You're one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen
227
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,670
and, if you're, say, letting him
watch whilst you pleasure yourself
228
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,390
with a Black Mamba, then I think
there's nothing to worry about.
229
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,950
Justin!
230
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,150
Just because I became the
Archbishop of Canterbury
231
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:08,200
doesn't mean I stopped being a man.
232
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:13,030
- By the way, those, er, tyres... - Mm.
233
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,470
I took the liberty of
putting them on eBay myself.
234
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,520
They made 86 pounds and 14 pence.
235
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,110
You must take 15%.
236
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,150
Oh, I couldn't.
237
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,190
Plus the 35 pence insertion fee.
238
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,110
That's £13.27.
239
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,870
Your mental arithmetic is excellent.
240
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:29,910
Thank you.
241
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,110
I bet you even know the
commission payable to eBay.
242
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,030
£8.61,
243
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,790
plus postage and packaging.
244
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,910
Oh, Kate.
245
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,790
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
246
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,350
Don't be. Erm...
247
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,400
No, keep... Keep the change.
248
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,920
Gotcha!
249
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,850
Relax, you must not struggle.
250
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,970
Where am I? Wh...
251
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,410
Why am I in this?
252
00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:12,930
You are in the Riga Institute
for the Alarmingly Unstable.
253
00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:15,850
You were brought here last night
after standing on the fountain,
254
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:18,290
exposing your sexual organs
255
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:22,330
and claiming to be fifth in
line to the throne of England.
256
00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,010
But I am fifth in line.
257
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:25,650
I'm Prince Harry.
258
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:29,450
Yes, let me introduce
to you Joseph Stalin.
259
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,500
Catherine the Great.
260
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,890
And Zayn from One Direction.
261
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,450
But that IS Zayn.
262
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:39,530
Mm! Mm! Mm!
263
00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:41,890
And he's losing valuable career momentum.
264
00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:44,290
Look, if I promise not
to make any trouble,
265
00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:45,970
can I just make one phone call?
266
00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:48,610
You were saying some pretty
crazy things last night.
267
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,890
Like your granny owns any dolphin
within three miles of Britain.
268
00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:53,250
She does.
269
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:57,300
Please!
270
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,770
Darling, this is Sonia.
271
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,090
She's black.
272
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:03,890
I mean, she's from the adoption agency.
273
00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,330
- Lovely to meet you.
- Do sit down.
274
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:09,210
Just let me move this
copy of Communism Monthly,
275
00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,410
that I subscribe to.
276
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:15,460
Now, you're a little older
than most of our applicants.
277
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:17,130
How old are you?
278
00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:18,570
If you don't mind me asking.
279
00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:20,450
36.
280
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,500
OK, right, well, we do get
some people who are... Er...
281
00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:27,890
What's a nice way of saying it? Erm...
282
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,450
- Fucked up?
- Erm... Yeah.
283
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,290
And this test is designed
to help us identify them.
284
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:35,010
We're definitely not fucked up.
285
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,970
Look, we're holding hands.
286
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:38,010
First question.
287
00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:42,060
What emotion is this person expressing?
288
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:46,170
- Serenity.
- Loyalty to the crown.
289
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:48,130
This one's just for you.
290
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:52,180
Which character do you most identify with?
291
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,130
Zayn!
292
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,170
Come on.
293
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,050
Pick up.
294
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,330
Prince Edward, window cleaning,
refuse collection and drug mule.
295
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:15,730
No job too big or too small.
296
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:19,170
It's Harry. I'm in trouble.
I... I need your help.
297
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:20,370
And you called me?
298
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:22,770
Look, I'm in a mental hospital in Latvia
299
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,250
and I have to get back to
stop Pippa getting married.
300
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,970
- You've got to help me.
- I'll be on the next flight.
301
00:14:28,020 --> 00:14:31,010
No, no. I meant call the
embassy and get them to help.
302
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:35,060
- Oh. All right, will do.
- Great.
303
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:39,940
'But if I did sort this out myself
and rescue Harry, I'd be a hero.
304
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:44,700
'People would start to take
me seriously, like when...
305
00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:47,610
'Well, people would start
to take me seriously.
306
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,050
'This is it.
307
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,240
'My shot at redemption.'
308
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,930
For the last time, Lionel Richie,
309
00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:11,050
you are wearing the beige slacks
when you do Three Times A Lady.
310
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,570
Now get out!
311
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,090
Hello, Wills!
312
00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:16,490
- What do you want?
- Seen much of Kate lately?
313
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,850
Not that it's any of
your business, but no.
314
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,530
I've been very busy with this.
315
00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:23,050
Rumour has it that she's been
spending rather too much time
316
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,810
with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
317
00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:26,730
I'm not interested in tittle-tattle.
318
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,890
Oh, this isn't gossip.
319
00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:32,940
This is fact.
320
00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:39,780
He always did say he was
going to be more hands-on.
321
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:44,420
Toodle-oo.
322
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,810
How did I let this happen?
323
00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:50,730
What have I become?
324
00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:54,780
I'm m-m-melting!
325
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,410
I've never seen anything like it.
326
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,490
Your emotional test
scores are extremely low.
327
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:07,370
It's almost what you'd
expect to see from a lizard.
328
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:09,290
Individually or combined?
329
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:12,130
Either way, I couldn't
approve you for adoption.
330
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,490
- I'm sorry.
- I'll bet you are.
331
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,370
You know, in years gone by,
we could've had you beheaded.
332
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:20,050
You're just lucky it's
not the 1990s any more.
333
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,100
Go on, get out. Get out!
334
00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:32,690
Edward!
335
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,210
I said just call the embassy.
336
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:37,290
I know, but this was something
I had to do on my own.
337
00:16:37,340 --> 00:16:40,010
- For me. - Sort of shot
at redemption type thing?
338
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:42,770
Exactly! Give the old self
esteem a bit of a boost.
339
00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:44,770
Good for you. Let's go.
340
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,290
Might still be time to stop Pippa.
341
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:49,810
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Got to clean
all these windows first.
342
00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:53,050
12 quid's 12 quid.
343
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,170
♪ Working nine to five... ♪
344
00:16:56,220 --> 00:17:00,220
Help! Does anyone know how
to fix the photocopier?
345
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,810
Why have you filed everything under T?
346
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:05,650
THE Prebble account. THE Harrowell file.
347
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:08,090
- Oh, you idiot.
- Well, some of it's under A.
348
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:09,210
Oh, God!
349
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,130
And where's the tea I
asked for an hour ago?
350
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:12,850
I don't know where the kettle is.
351
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:14,290
Or how to work it.
352
00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:16,090
Christ!
353
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,690
Argh! Argh!
354
00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:21,530
Oh!
355
00:17:21,580 --> 00:17:23,850
What the fuck's going on here?
356
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,410
Bea? Bea?
357
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,090
Wake up.
358
00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:28,330
Eugenie.
359
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,810
What are you doing here?
360
00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:31,570
You forgot your fascinator.
361
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:34,970
Eugenie, I'm so tired.
362
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:38,250
I was a fool to think I
could work to earn money.
363
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,130
That man makes me do things.
364
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:42,930
You nonce!
365
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:46,570
And they make me stay till nearly five.
366
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:50,620
Drink this.
367
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,530
Is that the '96?
368
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,250
It's an '84.
369
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:59,450
You've fucked up her palate, you arsehole.
370
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,010
For a moment there, I was outside myself.
371
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,690
Floating.
372
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:05,490
I finally know where the loos are.
373
00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:07,410
I won't have to hold it in any more.
374
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:08,970
You've been holding in your wee?
375
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,010
You are quitting right now.
376
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,050
No.
377
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:16,100
I started on Wednesday. I should
at least see out the week.
378
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:19,690
No, you are coming to
the Royal Variety Show,
379
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:23,740
where all the bogs are
adequately signposted.
380
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:29,330
- Kate. - Justin, what
are you doing here?
381
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,810
I can't bear being apart
from you any longer.
382
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:34,770
- What are you talking about?
- Run away with me. - Where?
383
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:38,210
Ibiza. We can work in a bar or
hand out leaflets for nightclubs.
384
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:39,690
What about your calling?
385
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,450
There are many ways of honouring god,
386
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,090
including having it large
on the White Island.
387
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:46,570
Come on, Kate. I know
the bloke who runs Pacha
388
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:48,730
but he won't keep these jobs open forever.
389
00:18:48,780 --> 00:18:49,970
I...
390
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,290
Oh, Kate.
391
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:55,940
I just wanted to say I've been
a total arse lately and that...
392
00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:59,050
- Archbishop. - I hear it's
going to be a good show tonight.
393
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,570
Yes. But I don't care about that any more.
394
00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:05,130
I've been so wrapped up in
Olly Murs and Michael McIntyre
395
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:07,650
that I've forgotten about us.
396
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,130
Can you forgive me?
397
00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:11,090
You hurt me, Wills.
398
00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:12,730
I don't know what to think.
399
00:19:12,780 --> 00:19:15,410
I hope you make the
decision that's right...
400
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:18,130
for you.
401
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:22,180
Archbishop.
402
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:24,850
Come on, Kate. There's not much time.
403
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,410
There's an easyJet flight
leaving from Luton in an hour.
404
00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:29,810
- Oh, Justin.
- We deserve this.
405
00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:32,490
We've both spent our
lives serving the public.
406
00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,370
No, Justin.
407
00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:36,250
And for me it's only been four years
408
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,890
and most of that was banquets.
409
00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:39,890
- I see.
- I'm sorry, Justin.
410
00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:42,850
No, no. No, you're right.
411
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,730
I'm glad one of us managed
to stay level-headed.
412
00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:48,570
And, now I think about it,
I'm married, too, so...
413
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:52,620
Oh, in that case, it's for the best.
414
00:19:56,620 --> 00:20:00,620
OK, Jasper, see you in five.
415
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:05,060
Harry!
416
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,210
Don't marry him, Pippa.
417
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:10,610
I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.
418
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,130
Er, so does Jasper.
419
00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:14,210
But what's Jasper got that I haven't?
420
00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:17,010
I can hear someone in the
background. Pippa! Pippa!
421
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:18,410
Hello?
422
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,810
Well, he's got a hedge fund
that controls over £40 billion.
423
00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:25,810
And I work unpaid in a charity shop
and I'm a trainee window cleaner.
424
00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,210
And plus, I'm a prince.
425
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,690
Oh, Harry.
426
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:32,740
You had me at "Plus, I'm a prince."
427
00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:36,410
Pippa! Pippa!
428
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:39,370
By the way...
429
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:42,410
.. this is for you.
430
00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:46,090
I made it in a Latvian mental hospital.
431
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:50,140
It's beautiful.
432
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,290
Wills, that was marvellous.
433
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,850
So, er... This is an entertainment show?
434
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:02,930
Yes, congratulations, Wills.
You really have an instinct
435
00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:06,730
for what people with below-average
intelligence will find amusing.
436
00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:09,730
And Camilla should know.
She's only the one O level.
437
00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:11,210
Wills.
438
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:14,290
Wills!
439
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:18,340
- I love you.
- And I love you.
440
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,250
No, let me.
441
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,050
I'm so sorry about Justin.
442
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:25,610
You've got nothing to be sorry about.
443
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:28,370
- But did you?
- No.
444
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:31,610
Little bit of upstairs outside.
445
00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:33,650
Oh, Kate, I've been such a fool.
446
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,290
I can't believe I nearly lost you
trying to revive the monarchy
447
00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:38,810
- when I should've been...
- Wills! Wills! Wills!
448
00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:40,770
Sounds like you should take a bow.
449
00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:43,250
I didn't do anything.
It was the performers.
450
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:45,010
Well, that's the way the world works.
451
00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:46,490
Someone has to take the credit
452
00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:49,330
whilst millions and millions
of other people do all the work.
453
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,050
Drones, if you like.
454
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:55,100
Ah, here's the press.
Give your nice statement.
455
00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:57,490
All right.
456
00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,290
Prince William, how does
it feel to be responsible
457
00:22:00,340 --> 00:22:03,090
for the best Royal Variety
Show since The Beatles?
458
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:04,890
It feels...
459
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,490
wrong.
460
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:08,930
I'm not responsible for what
happened out there tonight.
461
00:22:08,980 --> 00:22:10,850
It was Olly, Adele,
462
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,170
the touring cast of Bugsy Malone.
463
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:16,930
All I did was make a man in
a lion costume wet himself.
464
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,170
That's all the monarchy have ever done --
465
00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:22,250
take credit we don't deserve
for things we haven't done,
466
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:26,300
suck up a shitload of cash and make
everyone else feel a bit below us,
467
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,490
which is why,
468
00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:31,010
Prime Minister, if you're watching,
469
00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:34,050
and I know you are because
you're a big Josh Widdicombe fan,
470
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:37,170
give the people of Britain a referendum
471
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,410
on the abolition of the monarchy.
472
00:22:41,305 --> 00:22:47,495
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34828
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