Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Bad fucking table!

I have a lot of pent-up anger, and I don't know

where it's coming from or how to stop it.

Pickles On Ice,

starring Mr. Pickles himself, as played

by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.

Hi, I'm Jeff.

Let's meet the writers I hired.

What writers?

Rabbi Michael Epstein.

Yeah, I'm a man of God,

but I'm also funny.

He's not me. Peter's not me,

Tara Lipinski's not me.

I know a place

where we can light up.

Et voilà.

No one moved in. It's just sitting here.

Let there be light.

Best beginning in the history of beginnings.

Makes "Call me Ishmael"

sound like the pickup line

of a diseased sailor.

Wait, do you guys smell that?

Rotten eggs.

Sweet!

♪ whimsical music ♪

Fight!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

A little later on,

after floods

and pestilence,

and a gazillion "begot"s,

God tells us

"I make good,

and I create evil."

♪ disquieting music ♪

"If there is light,

there is dark.

Gas!

Wait, gas!

Oh, shit.

"If life,

there is death."

Wait, Will, don't!

But for every bad thing God does,

he does a good thing, too.

Whoa.

There is always a balance,

and every action has its equal

- and its opposite. - Your case

is more aggressive. I'm so sorry.

♪♪♪

During your tenure on Earth,

you will never know

how the events of your life

add to and subtract from

the...calculus

of existence.

Anyway,

my girlfriend made these cookies.

They embody the universe.

Huh?

They're good, but not great.

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

You okay, little Nunchuck?

Why didn't we die?

Yeah, why didn't we die?

Dudes,

I think it's that time.

Time to blaze and glaze.

"Blaze and glaze"?

I think the house did explode,

and when it did,

we left that universe behind,

that there's a parallel reality

in which we are deceased

and BD does not persist in making

high-end Judaica

for my mother.

Everyone deserves a nice menorah.

Why are we calling him Nunchuck now?

Will, Good Will Hunting,

hunting.

I hunt with nunchucks.

Nunchuck.

Oh, okay.

Do you have a guardian angel, Cassidy?

How about you, Nunchuck?

Maybe.

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

Uh, hi.

Uh, Havana?

Uh, yeah?

Do you remember me?

I mean, I know who you are.

Yeah, I had this brother Phil,

- He, uh... - Right.

He got shot. My sorrys.

No. Car accident.

Some kid got shot.

Oh, I'm...sorry.

That's okay.

I think it was in Utah.

How's your brother doing?

He's dead.

That's right. My sorrys.

Look, he had this list of girls.

Well, he wanted to tell you something,

but never got the chance.

What?

I'm not coming back here.

It's just the first-line chemo.

You'll have better luck with the second line treatment.

I'm not coming back here,

not on my own, anyways.

Close your eyes.

Take as much time as you want.

Now tell me the story of the rest of your life.

We leave the building,

we go to the car,

I rip up the parking ticket, I go home,

I flush about 30 pounds of pills into the toilet.

Keep going.

I eat a bowl of brownie batter.

I remember that I will have no legacy.

I remember that I will be forgotten.

I remember that I bought

a gray wig to experience a semblance of old age,

take out my bucket list,

check off "Fucked Mr. Pickles."

I buy a black dress,

and wait. That's it.

Keep going like that wasn't it.

But that's it.

Vivian's not doing well.

Oh.

Well, she's quietly dying of cancer.

It would be weird if she were.

I don't want her to go.

Oh, I'm sorry. Of course you don't.

This is hers.

Can you make her old?

Keep thinking about

all the conversations that we're not gonna have.

You know, it's like...

what the story of our life would be,

yours and mine,

if half the pages were ripped out.

I-I think I know what you want.

I know you do.

If you ever wanna talk,

about anything,

you can talk to me.

Okay.

I hate what you're doing to me.

I don't want to see another me on ice.

So I'm gonna put a stop to all that today.

♪ light orchestral music ♪

♪♪♪

Hi.

- What's your name? - Oh.

You want me to sign that, too? Oh.

You know, she started her own chapter

of the Pickles Platoon.

She organized a blood drive

after the Waco killings.

She filled three trucks of blood.

Wow, that's a lot of blood.

That's her twin Sara in the otter.

Hm.

I didn't know

she had a twin sister.

Hm.

♪♪♪

Who wants their jar signed?

I do!

I guess it's

pretty confusing, though,

seeing the me on TV

and the me on the ice

and then the me right here in front of you.

No, you're Mr. Pickles,

and that's a woman in a Mr. Pickles costume.

You're Santa for real,

and that's like Santa at the mall.

Mr. Pickles, Mr. Pickles On Ice.

You're a very intelligent girl.

No, I'm of average intelligence.

I should be smarter.

If we feel good about ourselves, we can

be anything we want to be.

That's exactly what Ice Pickles said.

She said that?

Mm-hm. I like her voice

better than yours.

♪♪♪

Must be fun,

working with your sister.

Mm? I work

with my sister too, Sara.

Oh, it's "Sah-ra."

Tara does not like me to rhyme.

That's not true. Just want you

to enjoy your own identity.

Tara let me join the tour

after I lost my job in the army.

She was emotionally discharged.

That's not what they call it.

Well, I don't know army words.

I developed a battle-based eating disorder

and Tara taught me to ice skate,

because that is her language of care.

Once upon a time, my sister did a similar gesture for me,

and it changed my life forever.

After only two years, she was competing

at the highest amateur level.

She came in fourth

at the Sarajevo co-ed.

I tied for bronze.

That is what I said.

I defeated Michel Kwan.

Oh, I've heard of her.

No, you haven't.

He's 47 and French.

Coo-coo-ka-choo. Coo-coo-ka-choo.

That a Beatles fan underneath this veil?

That's our parakeet,

Tara-keet.

She says "our," but I was the one

that rescued you from that pet store.

Tara paid for her,

but I picked her out,

because we're both prone to seizures.

Ah--oh.

Hello, sweetness.

Hello, cute Tara-keet.

Hello.

Hello, sweetness! Coo-coo-ka-choo.

Look at that!

Your whole family is a pantheon of talent.

Mm.

Ms. Lipinski,

they're asking for both of you.

Oh, well,

good luck out there.

Um, very proud of what you're doing.

I'll start walking, since it takes me longer.

And up.

I know how difficult it must be for you to let me

represent you to thousands of young,

impressionable minds.

Yeah.

But as a former Love-tenant

in the Pickles Platoon,

let me say again,

thank you for your faith.

Well, thank you for mastering my autograph.

- It's all about the P. - Yeah.

Gotta watch out. It can become a D.

Pull the trigger, you fat cunt!

Okay.

Make her old.

Ah!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

You all right?

♪♪♪

Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

Shut up!

Throw up, fat cunt!

Bend the knee, bitch!

Can you say a nice word?

You're a whore.

Can you say "love"?

Cunt, cunt, cunt!

Fat bitch, whore.

Say "love."

Love, love.

- Oh, love. - Your name is "Sah-ra,"

not Sara! Never rhyme, cunt.

♪ Bauhaus' "Monkey" ♪

Bend the knee, bitch.

Cunt, cunt, cunt.

Cunt, cunt.

Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

Cunt, cunt! Cunt, cunt.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ Too much pressure too soon ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Too much pressure too soon ♪

♪ Stop the rhythm with the matter machine ♪

♪ Stop the rhythm with the matter machine ♪

♪ Stop the rhythm with the matter machine ♪

♪ Stop the rhythm with the matter machine ♪

♪ Stop the rhythm with the matter machine ♪

I want my head back.

What?

Your sister is not a whore. She's a veteran.

And you should never ask a bulimic to kneel.

It could trigger her gastric reflex.

Please don't take that. I mean,

I can't see anything out of it when I'm skating,

but--but the way people look at you

off the ice.

It's like you're always wearing a gold medal.

I like being you.

Please.

Attention, Love-tenant.

You are Tara Lipinski,

and you remember the motto of the Pickle Platoon?

No, no, I don't.

Yes. Yes, you do.

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Hello?

Pickles On Ice requires a Mr. Pickles, Jeff.

Otherwise, it's just Tara Lipinski

ice dancing through a fever dream.

Can I tell you something I've learned

over the years? People who are older than me

question what I say.

People who are younger listen to what I tell them.

That means every day,

I get a little bit more powerful,

and you get a little older.

What did you say to her?

Do you remember the motto of the Pickles Platoon?

There's a motto?

"Always be yourself."

♪♪♪

♪ music continues ethereally ♪

♪♪♪

Now watch this, Jeff.

A horse?

What do you mean, a horse?

Oh, your horse is named Divorce.

That's a funny name for a horse.

Dee Dee, I bought this dress in Palermo.

I don't care!

- Just go. - Stop!

No, just go!

♪♪♪

I'll be back, honey.

No, you won't.

I don't care if I ever see you again!

I have a horse named Divorce.

It's a funny name for a horse.

- Stop. - I hate you!

- Dee Dee... - But he's a funny horse.

- He has a snaggletooth. - Dee Dee?

If you're gonna go, go. Get in the car.

We know you're not coming back in two weeks,

and we know you're not coming back in a million years.

I'm going on a short trip.

I'm going to see my sister in Niagara Falls.

I don't believe you!

I need a break, Dee Dee.

- I need a break, Dee Dee. - I need

- time to myself. - I need time to myself.

- Just go. - I'm coming back.

You flip over this suitcase, and maybe I zip you inside,

toss you over the falls.

Maybe there's... a parachute inside

and you float over the falls.

- Just leave! - And go...

anywhere you want to go.

Stop.

♪ disquieting music ♪

♪♪♪

You don't know everything, kiddo.

♪♪♪

You know everything, Deirdre.

You know all there is to know.

I don't want her to go.

♪ warm music ♪

♪♪♪

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

♪♪♪

Will you forgive me, please?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I told Dad the thing you told me not to tell him.

What thing?

The secret handshake I'm not supposed to talk about.

What did he say?

He started to laugh about it.

Then I told him that I told you,

and he got really quiet.

♪♪♪

Hey, uh, Robyn, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to have this brother.

Uh, Phil.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

Oh, I love what you did with the eyes.

Everything okay?

It's Maddy. I really...

I mean, I yelled-- I really yelled at her.

I just yelled at her, so...

You're a good mom.

Uh, Jeff? Hello?

Does that mean "sit here"?

Oh, hi there.

You must be Vivian the Brave.

My friend Mr. Pickles told me

a lot about you.

Oh, well, he hasn't mentioned you.

Well, that makes sense, because I just moved here.

My name is Viva Lost Pages,

and I'm the new librarian

in Pickle Barrel Falls.

Are you wearing my sweater, Viva?

I am.

It's the only sweater I have.

I love it so much.

I'm going to wear it

tomorrow, and the next day,

and the day after that, and the day after that.

I'm going to wear it here

for years and years.

Unless you want it...back?

No, that's okay. You keep it.

Thank you!

You see,

I love my job,

but I--ah, ah, ah!

Ah!

I'm so clumsy...

...that sometimes I lose the pages

to the books I'm supposed to take care of,

and it's so hard

to replace them in the right order.

That means

I'm always finishing

other people's stories.

Maybe you can help me.

Yeah, maybe it's more exciting

if some stories end abruptly,

even mid-sentence.

No.

I don't think that.

I believe

that even when the pages are gone,

the story goes on.

♪ None of us knows how our story will end ♪

♪ The sights we will see ♪

♪ The times we will spend ♪

♪ But if you close your eyes tight ♪

♪ And say what you see ♪

♪ Your story becomes ♪

♪ What you want it ♪

♪ To be ♪

The great book of Vivian!

This-zz is-zz my favorite book!

♪ Maybe it ends-zz in a party ♪

♪ Maybe it ends in a cry ♪

♪ Maybe it ends-zz with ennui ♪

♪ Or maybe it ends with a sigh ♪

♪ Maybe she's left in a pickle ♪

♪ And if she likes pickles, that's great ♪

♪ Or maybe it ends in a meal ♪

♪ Where you never know what's on the plate ♪

♪ Maybe she runs in a marathon ♪

♪ Maybe she comes in last ♪

♪ Maybe it takes her eight hours ♪

But compared to a sasquatch,

that's fast.

♪ Maybe it ends in a wedding ♪

♪ Maybe it ends in true love ♪

♪ Maybe it ends ♪

♪ With a bunch of new friends ♪

♪ Who give her new ends ♪

♪ To dream of ♪

♪

♪♪♪

So now it's your turn

to keep going.

Take ten seconds and finish your story.

Close your eyes.

I'll watch the clock.

I'm...

...on a plane.

Flying first class. I've never flown first class.

They give you a real fork.

Keep going.

I'm on my way to Honduras

to zip-line through the rainforest.

Keep going.

And there's an area there

called Yoro,

and once a year, they have a festival--

Lluvia de Peces--

where it rains fish.

It really happens. They can't explain it.

And I've always wanted to see that.

♪ tender music ♪

♪♪♪

Keep going.

♪♪♪

Keep going.

The universe, we forget,

was not created once

and for all time.

It is created again

every single day

in each of us.

♪♪♪

So every day,

let us wake

and light that same fire of creation

in ourselves.

Be thankful that the darkness lives there, too,

because without it,

the flicker would remain invisible.

Light?

Light is in love

with the dark,

and the dark

cannot not chase

the flame.

♪♪♪

And because God created a world in harmony,

he made sure that good and evil

cannot and will not

devour the other.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ Bauhaus' "Monkey" ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Too much pressure too soon ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Too much pressure too soon ♪

♪ My face on down ♪

♪ In reverse ♪

♪ Playing to last year's LP ♪

♪ In apprehension ♪

♪ Of the frigid air machine ♪

♪ Will he make a monkey out of me? ♪

♪♪♪