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1
00:00:02,491 --> 00:00:04,259
Feast your eyes, Margaret.
2
00:00:04,260 --> 00:00:05,793
The Shady Meadows Wednesday Afternoon
3
00:00:05,794 --> 00:00:07,762
Wine and Cheese Half Hour.
4
00:00:07,763 --> 00:00:11,698
Well, it used to be an hour,
but I had a little incident.
5
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:15,937
I got cheese drunk
and punched a busboy.
6
00:00:15,938 --> 00:00:17,839
Look at all these bodacious beauties.
7
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,740
Can't you just feel the heat?
8
00:00:19,742 --> 00:00:23,077
Yeah, this room is humming
with sexual energy.
9
00:00:23,078 --> 00:00:28,049
Oh, wait, I think it might
be that guy's oxygen tank.
10
00:00:28,050 --> 00:00:30,852
Yeah, well, you just watch me
and Charlie work. We can't lose.
11
00:00:30,853 --> 00:00:35,256
(LAUGHS) Actually, Hank, we can,
and we have been for months.
12
00:00:35,257 --> 00:00:37,420
Yeah, well, the cold
streak ends tonight.
13
00:00:37,421 --> 00:00:38,426
Okay.
14
00:00:38,427 --> 00:00:39,560
- Here, be my wingman.
- Okay.
15
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,596
Uh, how you doing, little missy?
16
00:00:41,597 --> 00:00:44,699
Are you my appendix?
'Cause I know nothing about you,
17
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,733
but my gut tells me to take you out.
18
00:00:49,204 --> 00:00:52,806
Hank, we slept together
three years ago.
19
00:00:55,444 --> 00:00:57,645
Wait a minute, y-you thinking
about somebody else.
20
00:00:57,646 --> 00:00:59,614
Oh, no, no, it was you.
21
00:00:59,615 --> 00:01:03,084
You cried after,
a-and then you told me
22
00:01:03,085 --> 00:01:05,552
that I'd never be
as good as your ex-wife.
23
00:01:07,523 --> 00:01:09,824
That does sound like you, Hank.
(CHUCKLES)
24
00:01:09,825 --> 00:01:12,927
Remember, after the divorce,
all that crying?
25
00:01:12,928 --> 00:01:14,896
Marriage is complicated, Charlie.
26
00:01:14,897 --> 00:01:18,399
Marriage is complicated!
27
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,368
Well, shake it off.
That was just a rehearsal.
28
00:01:20,369 --> 00:01:22,203
- You up, my man.
- Okay.
29
00:01:22,204 --> 00:01:25,139
I'm going to take
a more direct approach.
30
00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:28,242
Hi, I'm Charlie.
31
00:01:28,243 --> 00:01:30,178
Hello. I'm Anne.
32
00:01:30,179 --> 00:01:34,681
Uh, listen, I haven't had sex
in about five years.
33
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:40,120
And I'm betting it's probably
double that for you.
34
00:01:42,257 --> 00:01:45,525
So what do you say we solve
each other's problems?
35
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:55,069
God, that was hard to watch.
36
00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:57,672
(LAUGHS)
It was funny, but it was hard.
37
00:01:57,673 --> 00:02:01,075
You guys really need
to try the online dating.
38
00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:02,543
I mean, I do very well
because, well...
39
00:02:02,544 --> 00:02:04,779
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) ...exhibit M.
40
00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:06,581
It's fun.
41
00:02:06,582 --> 00:02:08,482
Grindr changed my life.
42
00:02:09,885 --> 00:02:11,786
It's like Postmates,
but instead of food,
43
00:02:11,787 --> 00:02:13,520
you get a man delivered.
44
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,691
My friend Wanda found
her boyfriend online,
45
00:02:17,693 --> 00:02:20,128
and they were happy until
the day she passed away.
46
00:02:20,129 --> 00:02:22,028
- How'd she die?
- He killed her.
47
00:02:24,166 --> 00:02:26,467
It is the one drawback
of online dating,
48
00:02:26,468 --> 00:02:29,670
but other than that, it is fantastic.
49
00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:32,840
Y'all are crazy. The Internet's
not for finding love,
50
00:02:32,841 --> 00:02:34,942
it's for faxing and Tetris.
51
00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:38,546
Whatever happened
to approaching a woman,
52
00:02:38,547 --> 00:02:42,150
buying her a drink
and assuming she owes you sex?
53
00:02:42,151 --> 00:02:45,352
You really need to watch
the news more.
54
00:02:46,755 --> 00:02:48,723
And you should really try
the online dating, Hank.
55
00:02:48,724 --> 00:02:53,060
I think you would do much better
with people that don't know you.
56
00:02:53,061 --> 00:02:54,896
I don't know this beautiful
woman over here,
57
00:02:54,897 --> 00:02:56,597
but I'm about to.
58
00:02:56,598 --> 00:02:59,599
How's it going, sweet pea? (SHOUTS)
59
00:03:00,969 --> 00:03:03,003
Damn, Raul, get a haircut.
60
00:03:05,507 --> 00:03:07,340
♪ ♪
61
00:03:21,227 --> 00:03:27,016
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
62
00:03:27,529 --> 00:03:31,866
Well, I guess this online dating
isn't the worst idea.
63
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,068
Shady Meadows is scorched
earth for old Hank.
64
00:03:34,069 --> 00:03:36,737
I plowed too many of those driveways.
65
00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:38,706
You're not gonna put
"plowed driveways"
66
00:03:38,707 --> 00:03:40,808
in your profile, are you?
67
00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:42,943
Course not.
I got more sense than that.
68
00:03:45,781 --> 00:03:47,915
Well, I'm just glad that
you realized that I'm right,
69
00:03:47,916 --> 00:03:50,151
because earlier, you were
saying that online dating
70
00:03:50,152 --> 00:03:52,587
was for "sickos and losers."
71
00:03:52,588 --> 00:03:55,490
Oh, it is. But I'm just trying
to have sex here, Margaret.
72
00:03:55,491 --> 00:03:59,160
Okay. Here we go.
73
00:03:59,161 --> 00:04:01,195
Name: Charlie.
74
00:04:01,196 --> 00:04:03,464
About Me: I love art.
75
00:04:03,465 --> 00:04:05,900
I have proof that the
moon landing was a hoax.
76
00:04:05,901 --> 00:04:08,569
And I have 27 Vietnam kills.
77
00:04:08,570 --> 00:04:11,305
Ooh, I wouldn't mention Vietnam.
78
00:04:11,306 --> 00:04:16,310
Okay. Right, I have 27 kills.
79
00:04:16,311 --> 00:04:17,978
Uh, don't talk about killing anyone,
80
00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:20,748
and I shouldn't have
to keep saying that.
81
00:04:20,749 --> 00:04:23,317
Do you, Charlie.
Don't listen to these naysayers.
82
00:04:23,318 --> 00:04:24,752
We are just trying to help.
83
00:04:24,753 --> 00:04:26,621
Margaret and I do very well online.
84
00:04:26,622 --> 00:04:29,090
Last month, I was featured
on the home page of Grindr
85
00:04:29,091 --> 00:04:31,926
due to my high number of GPWs.
86
00:04:31,927 --> 00:04:35,263
That's grinds per week.
87
00:04:35,264 --> 00:04:37,832
You two only cleaned up
'cause you're looking for men.
88
00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:40,067
Men will have sex with anything.
89
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:41,702
Don't be jealous, Hank,
90
00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:43,704
because green is not
a good color on you,
91
00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:46,073
and while I'm on the subject,
neither is yellow or red
92
00:04:46,074 --> 00:04:47,874
or purple.
93
00:04:49,344 --> 00:04:51,512
You look bad is what I'm saying, Hank.
94
00:04:51,513 --> 00:04:54,949
We'll just see about that
once I post my profile.
95
00:04:54,950 --> 00:04:57,852
Name: Hanky Panky.
96
00:04:57,853 --> 00:05:01,455
Interests: Dat ass
97
00:05:01,456 --> 00:05:03,858
in my hands, girl.
98
00:05:03,859 --> 00:05:07,527
And... golf.
99
00:05:09,131 --> 00:05:10,598
You guys, do you think I should remove
100
00:05:10,599 --> 00:05:12,700
the picture of my 11th toe?
101
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:16,037
I think you should remove the toe.
102
00:05:16,038 --> 00:05:18,405
Hank, you want me to take
your profile picture?
103
00:05:18,407 --> 00:05:20,241
Nah, I'm gonna take it in private.
104
00:05:20,242 --> 00:05:21,676
Butt naked.
105
00:05:21,677 --> 00:05:25,212
Ooh! I just thought of my caption.
106
00:05:25,213 --> 00:05:29,516
"Hanky Panky wants a spanky."
107
00:05:34,423 --> 00:05:36,357
You were right, Margaret.
108
00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:38,159
This online dating is the real deal.
109
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,562
My phone hasn't blown up
this much since my daddy died.
110
00:05:41,563 --> 00:05:44,665
That's terrific, Hank.
111
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:47,501
How about you, Charlie?
You drowning in cyber-booty?
112
00:05:47,502 --> 00:05:51,038
No booty. In fact,
I've only gotten one response.
113
00:05:51,039 --> 00:05:52,740
Hey, it only takes one.
114
00:05:52,741 --> 00:05:54,241
Who messaged you?
115
00:05:54,242 --> 00:05:56,010
One of my kids.
116
00:05:56,011 --> 00:05:58,613
Been trying to find me
for years. I deleted it.
117
00:05:58,614 --> 00:06:01,215
Yeah, buddy, that's too bad.
118
00:06:01,216 --> 00:06:06,687
Well, I guess I'll go figure out
the best way to light my dong.
119
00:06:06,688 --> 00:06:11,125
Well, if there is a market
for Hanky Panky's dong shots,
120
00:06:11,126 --> 00:06:12,827
then I think you have nothing
to worry about, Charlie.
121
00:06:12,828 --> 00:06:14,095
You keep your head up.
122
00:06:14,096 --> 00:06:15,997
Ah, that's sweet of you to say,
123
00:06:15,998 --> 00:06:20,500
but it may be just too late
for a guy like me to find love.
124
00:06:20,502 --> 00:06:23,337
I'm gonna go help Hank light his dong.
125
00:06:23,338 --> 00:06:25,740
Oh, we need to do something.
126
00:06:25,741 --> 00:06:28,242
He's our friend, he needs cheering up.
127
00:06:28,243 --> 00:06:29,977
We could take him for an ice cream.
128
00:06:29,978 --> 00:06:31,946
Or buy him a hooker.
129
00:06:31,947 --> 00:06:33,981
Skipped a whole lot of steps there.
130
00:06:33,982 --> 00:06:36,384
No, we don't want him
to give up on love.
131
00:06:36,385 --> 00:06:38,419
What if, what if we create
132
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:41,222
an online profile
to flirt with Charlie?
133
00:06:41,223 --> 00:06:43,724
Margaret, I'm gonna tell you
what I told my baby sister
134
00:06:43,725 --> 00:06:46,360
when she wanted to become a singer.
135
00:06:46,361 --> 00:06:49,130
Bitch, that's a terrible idea.
136
00:06:49,131 --> 00:06:52,333
Come on. We're just gonna
build up his confidence
137
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,735
until he finds a real person.
138
00:06:54,736 --> 00:06:56,504
It's kind of like training wheels,
139
00:06:56,505 --> 00:07:00,274
only the end result is riding
a lady instead of a bike.
140
00:07:00,275 --> 00:07:02,576
Now, we got to make sure
she's Charlie's type
141
00:07:02,577 --> 00:07:04,645
so that he'll take the bait.
142
00:07:04,646 --> 00:07:07,348
"Hi, I'm Nadine.
143
00:07:07,349 --> 00:07:09,550
"65 years young.
144
00:07:09,551 --> 00:07:15,022
The moon landing was filmed in
Hollywood by Stanley Kubrick."
145
00:07:15,023 --> 00:07:17,458
You got to sex that up, honey.
146
00:07:17,459 --> 00:07:19,827
All men are pervs, even Charlie.
147
00:07:19,828 --> 00:07:22,063
Ooh, I know.
Give her a mysterious name.
148
00:07:22,064 --> 00:07:27,168
Something like Destiny.
149
00:07:27,169 --> 00:07:29,837
There's nothing mysterious
about the name Destiny.
150
00:07:29,838 --> 00:07:31,971
She's a stripper, mystery solved.
151
00:07:36,611 --> 00:07:39,380
♪ She'll be coming around the
mountain when she comes ♪
152
00:07:39,381 --> 00:07:41,048
♪ When she comes, she'll be coming... ♪
153
00:07:41,049 --> 00:07:43,017
Whoa! No dancing. (CHUCKLES)
154
00:07:43,018 --> 00:07:45,886
Whoa, hey. Hey, gang.
155
00:07:45,887 --> 00:07:47,655
Guess what?
156
00:07:47,656 --> 00:07:53,027
My profile got a response
last night, and it is a doozy.
157
00:07:53,028 --> 00:07:56,797
Oh. So somebody messaged you
and now you're happy.
158
00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,499
Tell us all about this dream girl.
159
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,001
Ah, well, every single thing
about her is...
160
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:03,437
(LAUGHS) ...beautiful.
161
00:08:03,438 --> 00:08:06,506
Even her name. Destiny.
162
00:08:09,444 --> 00:08:11,879
Say what, now?
163
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,814
Oh, my, my, her name is Destiny.
164
00:08:13,815 --> 00:08:16,450
Oh, she sounds mysterious.
165
00:08:16,451 --> 00:08:18,419
And sexy.
166
00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:20,621
Exactly what a man would want.
167
00:08:20,622 --> 00:08:23,858
So did you hear from anybody else?
168
00:08:23,859 --> 00:08:26,026
- You get any other bites?
- Ah, yes actually.
169
00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:28,329
Some Nadine lady... (LAUGHS)
170
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:31,232
...claiming that the moon
landing was filmed in Hollywood.
171
00:08:31,233 --> 00:08:33,099
What an idiot.
172
00:08:34,770 --> 00:08:36,337
Everybody knows it was filmed
173
00:08:36,338 --> 00:08:40,841
in an airplane hanger
in Southern Utah. Duh.
174
00:08:40,842 --> 00:08:43,577
Well, it sounds like you have
a lot to talk to her about.
175
00:08:43,578 --> 00:08:46,914
Nah, she's garbage.
176
00:08:46,915 --> 00:08:49,183
Listen to this message
that Destiny sent me:
177
00:08:49,184 --> 00:08:54,722
"Dearest Charles, when I am done
having my way with you,
178
00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:59,893
our loins will be"...
get this... "obliterated."
179
00:09:01,196 --> 00:09:02,963
(SQUEALS, SHOUTS)
180
00:09:02,964 --> 00:09:07,601
Oh. Wow, obliterated loins.
181
00:09:07,602 --> 00:09:09,804
- Yes.
- I wouldn't have ever taken you
182
00:09:09,805 --> 00:09:12,206
for the kind of guy
that liked that sort of smut.
183
00:09:12,207 --> 00:09:13,974
Oh, well, Margaret,
let's not confuse smut
184
00:09:13,975 --> 00:09:16,476
with well-written erotica.
185
00:09:18,814 --> 00:09:22,049
And also, look at this one.
186
00:09:22,050 --> 00:09:24,952
She said, she said,
her hands were tired
187
00:09:24,953 --> 00:09:27,454
so her boobies typed this.
188
00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:29,455
Oh, for heaven's sake.
189
00:09:29,457 --> 00:09:31,258
That doesn't even make any sense.
190
00:09:31,259 --> 00:09:33,460
(LAUGHS) Well, it makes perfect sense.
191
00:09:33,461 --> 00:09:34,929
It makes perfect sense to me, too.
192
00:09:34,930 --> 00:09:37,331
Boobies can't type, dum-dums.
193
00:09:37,332 --> 00:09:38,765
Maybe not yours.
194
00:09:40,702 --> 00:09:43,304
Well, anyhoo, I just wanted
to share the good news,
195
00:09:43,305 --> 00:09:46,540
and to thank you for introducing
me to online dating.
196
00:09:46,541 --> 00:09:48,442
You were right, Margaret.
It's fantastic.
197
00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:52,646
Oh, way to go. Way to go,
Charlie. Yay! Ha, ha.
198
00:09:52,647 --> 00:09:54,682
What the hell, Sid?
199
00:09:54,683 --> 00:09:58,986
You created the Destiny profile?
200
00:09:58,987 --> 00:10:00,788
Oh, sounds like somebody's jealous
201
00:10:00,789 --> 00:10:04,558
that Charlie chose my girl
over your moon nerd.
202
00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:06,460
"Your girl"?
203
00:10:06,461 --> 00:10:08,329
Aren't you getting
a little caught up in this?
204
00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:10,297
I'm not getting caught up in squat.
205
00:10:10,298 --> 00:10:12,600
It's not like I created
an elaborate backstory
206
00:10:12,601 --> 00:10:15,803
of Destiny's strict
Southern upbringing
207
00:10:15,804 --> 00:10:21,041
as an oil man's only daughter
in rural 1950s Kentucky,
208
00:10:21,042 --> 00:10:25,845
when everybody in town knew
damn well Pappy wanted a boy.
209
00:10:30,752 --> 00:10:33,220
Wow, what a backstory.
210
00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:35,189
Why Kentucky?
211
00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:37,557
- Well, Margaret, in the 19...
- I don't really care!
212
00:10:39,127 --> 00:10:41,595
Remember, we're trying
to help Charlie here,
213
00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:44,897
we are not writing a porno
version of Gone with the Wind.
214
00:10:46,868 --> 00:10:49,169
Well, why can't we do both?
215
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,839
Oh. Sid, promise me
you won't do anything else
216
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,540
without running it by me first.
217
00:10:53,541 --> 00:10:56,443
Oh, Margaret, I wouldn't dream of it.
218
00:10:56,444 --> 00:11:00,848
♪ Hank! Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank ♪
219
00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:04,350
♪ Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it... ♪
220
00:11:04,352 --> 00:11:07,253
I'm in love with a woman
named Destiny.
221
00:11:10,225 --> 00:11:13,159
♪ Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it, ow... ♪
222
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:19,353
So Hank, you're telling me
that you messaged a woman
223
00:11:19,354 --> 00:11:22,290
named Destiny last night,
and she wrote you back?
224
00:11:22,291 --> 00:11:24,357
Oh, she sure did.
225
00:11:24,359 --> 00:11:27,994
And she typed it... get this...
with her butt cheeks.
226
00:11:30,198 --> 00:11:32,300
Well, love is in the air.
227
00:11:32,301 --> 00:11:34,902
Sid, let's go play
a little game of pool.
228
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:37,036
I don't want to play pool
with you. You take my money
229
00:11:37,037 --> 00:11:39,672
and then you poke me
with that stick. Oh!
230
00:11:39,673 --> 00:11:42,975
Why did you message Hank back?
231
00:11:42,976 --> 00:11:45,945
Relax, Margaret,
I'm just having a little fun.
232
00:11:45,946 --> 00:11:49,815
When I'm on Grindr, there's
no romance or witty banter.
233
00:11:49,816 --> 00:11:52,784
It's just,
"Wham, bam, thank you, Sid."
234
00:11:54,054 --> 00:11:56,155
But now, the conversation is flowing,
235
00:11:56,156 --> 00:11:58,424
the boys are happy. What is the harm?
236
00:11:58,425 --> 00:11:59,926
Do I really have to say it?
237
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,994
You are catfishing
your two best friends,
238
00:12:01,995 --> 00:12:06,698
posing as a woman who types
with her milkers and her dumper.
239
00:12:09,836 --> 00:12:12,070
- And the problem is?
- (SIGHS)
240
00:12:12,072 --> 00:12:14,207
You're not gonna be able
to land this plane, Sid.
241
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:16,075
They're gonna figure it out.
242
00:12:16,076 --> 00:12:21,013
Hey, Hank, what has two thumbs,
11 toes and found a girl online?
243
00:12:21,014 --> 00:12:23,816
- This guy.
- (LAUGHS)
244
00:12:23,817 --> 00:12:26,586
Well, let me hit my contact up
over there at Applebee's...
245
00:12:26,587 --> 00:12:28,054
- Okay.
- ...'cause guess what?
246
00:12:28,055 --> 00:12:30,189
Me and you are going out
on a double date!
247
00:12:30,190 --> 00:12:31,691
- Yeah!
- HANK: Ha, ha!
248
00:12:31,692 --> 00:12:33,326
Old Hanky Panky has narrowed it down
249
00:12:33,327 --> 00:12:36,963
to one very special woman,
and her name is...
250
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,698
Destiny.
251
00:12:38,699 --> 00:12:42,535
I got to go to the barber... uhp!
252
00:12:42,536 --> 00:12:45,371
My-my sweetie's name is Destiny, too.
253
00:12:45,372 --> 00:12:48,541
Oh, that's a common name.
End of that conversation.
254
00:12:48,542 --> 00:12:50,977
Uh, anybody like volcanoes?
255
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,090
Wait a minute, where's
your Destiny from?
256
00:12:53,091 --> 00:12:53,889
Kentucky.
257
00:12:53,890 --> 00:12:57,750
No volcanoes there, which brings
me back to volcanoes.
258
00:12:57,751 --> 00:13:00,620
Wait a minute,
my Destiny's from Kentucky, too.
259
00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:02,121
Have you met your girl yet?
260
00:13:02,122 --> 00:13:03,589
Not yet. But we have plans to meet
261
00:13:03,590 --> 00:13:05,224
as soon as she gets back from...
262
00:13:05,225 --> 00:13:07,492
BOTH: ...auditioning
for the Rockettes?
263
00:13:08,895 --> 00:13:11,529
God, I hope they both make the cut.
264
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:16,201
(LAUGHS): Or it's gonna be
one awkward night at Applebee's.
265
00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:19,805
Man, we're dating
the same woman, Charlie.
266
00:13:19,806 --> 00:13:21,941
Oh, that's impossible.
267
00:13:21,942 --> 00:13:23,676
I mean, how could she like us both?
268
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,479
- We're total opposites.
- Well, you got that right.
269
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,647
You're a crusty, burned-out
ex-hippie and I'm DTF.
270
00:13:29,650 --> 00:13:32,218
Dark, tall and fun.
271
00:13:32,219 --> 00:13:35,321
That's not what DTF means.
272
00:13:35,322 --> 00:13:37,923
Fun? You could be
in a personality contest
273
00:13:37,924 --> 00:13:40,826
all by yourself and come in third.
274
00:13:40,827 --> 00:13:44,163
Stop it, stop it, stop it,
both of you.
275
00:13:44,164 --> 00:13:46,232
You're just horny.
276
00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:48,734
Hank, you said you had lots
of women in your inbox.
277
00:13:48,735 --> 00:13:50,469
Date one of them.
278
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:52,938
Well, I lied.
Didn't nobody message me back.
279
00:13:52,939 --> 00:13:55,440
I came on too strong
with my dong pics.
280
00:13:57,077 --> 00:13:59,245
Destiny's the only one
who liked my pic.
281
00:13:59,246 --> 00:14:00,746
I'll bet.
282
00:14:00,747 --> 00:14:02,680
Well...
283
00:14:06,386 --> 00:14:09,155
...I've heard enough.
I'm messaging Destiny.
284
00:14:09,156 --> 00:14:12,325
What? No, I'm gonna message
Destiny, right now.
285
00:14:12,326 --> 00:14:15,561
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- Oh! Ooh! Excuse me.
286
00:14:15,562 --> 00:14:18,164
Excuse me,
I got a bad case of the toots.
287
00:14:18,165 --> 00:14:19,732
(LAUGHS, STAMMERS)
288
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:22,333
Talk about volcanic eruptions.
289
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,442
This is bad.
This is really, really bad.
290
00:14:29,443 --> 00:14:31,210
Uh-oh. I know what's happening here.
291
00:14:31,211 --> 00:14:32,978
You're feeling guilty
292
00:14:32,979 --> 00:14:35,181
because this was all your idea,
aren't you?
293
00:14:35,182 --> 00:14:37,283
Now you look angry.
294
00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:40,319
But you're angry at yourself.
295
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,322
Ooh, you're angry at me.
296
00:14:43,323 --> 00:14:45,691
Destiny would be happier with me.
297
00:14:45,692 --> 00:14:47,560
I'm smart, I'm funny.
298
00:14:47,561 --> 00:14:50,162
Stop it, you guys. You are friends.
299
00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:52,765
Well, Margaret's right.
This ends right here.
300
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,434
- Thank you.
- With a good old-fashioned fistfight.
301
00:14:55,435 --> 00:14:57,603
- What?
- That is the best idea
302
00:14:57,604 --> 00:14:59,672
you've ever had, you old fart.
303
00:14:59,673 --> 00:15:02,040
- What? You're older than me.
- Yeah, but I'm not a fart.
304
00:15:03,710 --> 00:15:05,243
They're fighting over me, Margaret.
305
00:15:05,245 --> 00:15:08,080
Ow. You got an elbow
like a praying mantis.
306
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,149
You guys, stop it. You cannot fight.
307
00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:14,420
Charlie, you need a tool
to help you put your socks on.
308
00:15:14,421 --> 00:15:17,355
Oh, no, we're fighting.
Two hours, dining hall.
309
00:15:17,357 --> 00:15:19,992
Right after Judge Judy
and before Judge Joe Brown.
310
00:15:19,993 --> 00:15:22,194
Okay. See you there.
311
00:15:22,195 --> 00:15:25,497
Can't wait to update
my profile to 28 kills.
312
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,236
- I think they bought it.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
313
00:15:30,237 --> 00:15:33,339
And they have no idea
that we know they're Destiny.
314
00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:34,473
Yeah, this'll teach them not to leave
315
00:15:34,474 --> 00:15:35,875
their laptops laying around.
316
00:15:35,876 --> 00:15:37,410
Do you want to hit them with one more?
317
00:15:37,411 --> 00:15:40,813
Okay, okay, um...
I hate you, Hank Henderson!
318
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:43,482
You will rue this day!
319
00:15:43,483 --> 00:15:45,217
Rue this day!
320
00:15:45,218 --> 00:15:48,687
Rue you, bitch!
321
00:15:48,688 --> 00:15:50,256
I'm about to get nose-deep
322
00:15:50,257 --> 00:15:53,224
in Destiny's magical typing boobies.
323
00:15:57,497 --> 00:15:59,565
This is awful.
324
00:15:59,566 --> 00:16:01,434
They're about to beat the crap
out of each other
325
00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:03,135
and it's all our fault.
326
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:04,303
What are we gonna do?
327
00:16:04,304 --> 00:16:06,304
The only thing we can do.
328
00:16:12,345 --> 00:16:14,112
Hear me out.
329
00:16:18,642 --> 00:16:21,244
No, Sid. Absolutely no.
330
00:16:21,245 --> 00:16:24,413
- Well, at least let me explain it.
- Oh, I got it.
331
00:16:24,414 --> 00:16:26,749
You're dressed as Destiny
and now you're gonna go try
332
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,985
and talk the boys
into being friends again.
333
00:16:28,986 --> 00:16:32,154
Okay, it's clear, then.
So what's the holdup?
334
00:16:32,155 --> 00:16:34,857
There is no way in hell that
anybody is ever gonna believe
335
00:16:34,858 --> 00:16:36,324
that you are Destiny.
336
00:16:36,326 --> 00:16:37,927
Look at you.
337
00:16:37,928 --> 00:16:42,899
Well, you haven't even heard
the voice yet.
338
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:46,469
- (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): It was...
- No, Sid!
339
00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:50,039
No. You are a 66-year-old
four-foot-ten man
340
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,341
that Hank and Charlie hang out
with every single day.
341
00:16:52,342 --> 00:16:53,976
This is not gonna work.
342
00:16:53,977 --> 00:16:56,245
(SCOFFS) What's your idea then?
343
00:16:56,246 --> 00:16:58,247
Just fess up to the whole damn thing?
344
00:16:58,248 --> 00:17:00,449
Our friends will hate us forever.
345
00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:02,318
Well, that's why
they can't ever find out.
346
00:17:02,319 --> 00:17:05,855
We're gonna go to that fight,
as us, in our regular clothes,
347
00:17:05,856 --> 00:17:07,757
and we are gonna tell them
how stupid they are acting
348
00:17:07,758 --> 00:17:10,126
over a woman they've never even met.
349
00:17:10,127 --> 00:17:12,395
Well, fine. But I know my
Destiny would've had them
350
00:17:12,396 --> 00:17:16,866
eating out of the palms
of her tiny, feminine hands.
351
00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:19,235
Why do you even have this wig, anyway?
352
00:17:19,236 --> 00:17:20,502
Can I live, please?
353
00:17:27,511 --> 00:17:29,378
All right, Sean,
your grandmother tells us
354
00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:30,746
you're a great actor.
355
00:17:30,747 --> 00:17:32,248
Well, I just booked
a dental floss commercial,
356
00:17:32,249 --> 00:17:33,716
so you tell me.
357
00:17:33,717 --> 00:17:35,017
- (CHUCKLES)
- All right.
358
00:17:35,018 --> 00:17:36,752
So here's the deal:
you're gonna come in,
359
00:17:36,753 --> 00:17:38,487
you're gonna arrest us, right?
360
00:17:38,488 --> 00:17:40,623
Scare the hell out
of our friends, they confess,
361
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:43,693
you get your 50 bucks, and you
get to go home to your wife.
362
00:17:43,694 --> 00:17:46,796
- I don't have a wife.
- That's smart. Marriage is complicated.
363
00:17:46,797 --> 00:17:48,464
Uhp, here they come. Places, people.
364
00:17:48,465 --> 00:17:51,533
- (EXHALES)
- You've got this, Sean!
365
00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:55,738
You don't scare me, Hank.
366
00:17:55,739 --> 00:17:57,673
I ate a man's nose in Nam,
367
00:17:57,674 --> 00:18:00,343
and then I asked him how
he liked the smell of my guts.
368
00:18:00,344 --> 00:18:03,012
Yeah? Back in the day,
I used to have suckers begging
369
00:18:03,013 --> 00:18:05,648
for their mamas,
then I'd bang their mamas.
370
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,850
- You guys, stop!
- Never!
371
00:18:07,851 --> 00:18:09,785
Oh, well, we tried.
I'll go get the wig.
372
00:18:09,786 --> 00:18:12,854
(CHANTING): Fight! Fight! Fight!
373
00:18:12,856 --> 00:18:14,724
Maybe we should just let them go.
374
00:18:14,725 --> 00:18:17,460
I mean, they're old men,
how bad could it be?
375
00:18:17,461 --> 00:18:19,362
You made the classic blunder.
376
00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:22,231
You brought a fist to a knife fight.
377
00:18:22,232 --> 00:18:23,666
(PEOPLE GASPING)
378
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,735
Break it up, you two!
379
00:18:25,736 --> 00:18:29,071
We've got a 1099 in progress.
That's right.
380
00:18:29,072 --> 00:18:32,008
Two old guys fighting
over a woman. That's right.
381
00:18:32,009 --> 00:18:34,577
Put me through to the commissioner.
382
00:18:34,578 --> 00:18:37,413
They're putting him through
to the commissioner, Margaret.
383
00:18:37,414 --> 00:18:40,082
We'll be jailed for cybercrimes.
384
00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:41,951
Calm down, Sid.
385
00:18:41,952 --> 00:18:43,919
No, th-they'll put me
in the big house.
386
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,721
Look at me, I'll get eaten alive.
387
00:18:45,722 --> 00:18:48,457
You'll be fine.
388
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:50,960
That's right,
you're both under arrest.
389
00:18:50,961 --> 00:18:52,961
For illegal knife-fighting.
390
00:18:52,963 --> 00:18:56,032
I'm gonna power this taser
up to a thousand volts.
391
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:57,967
That's right.
392
00:18:57,968 --> 00:18:59,902
The highest amount of volts.
393
00:18:59,903 --> 00:19:02,405
No, no, no! No, no, no,
you'll kill them!
394
00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:04,272
No, it was me! I did it, I'm Destiny!
395
00:19:05,475 --> 00:19:07,376
I never meant to hurt y'all.
396
00:19:07,377 --> 00:19:10,813
We were just trying to help,
but we-we got carried away.
397
00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:12,348
Tell them, Margaret.
Tell them that we did it.
398
00:19:12,349 --> 00:19:14,684
They know that we're Destiny, Sid.
399
00:19:14,685 --> 00:19:16,719
They're just messing with us.
400
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,386
SID: What?
401
00:19:18,388 --> 00:19:22,157
I'm more confused than the night
I conceived my son.
402
00:19:24,294 --> 00:19:26,562
This cop, he's a fake.
403
00:19:26,563 --> 00:19:28,698
And a really bad actor, by the way.
404
00:19:28,699 --> 00:19:30,331
Um, wow.
405
00:19:31,835 --> 00:19:33,635
(IMITATING SEAN): That's right.
406
00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:43,112
(NORMAL VOICE:) You called in
a 1099. That's a tax form.
407
00:19:43,113 --> 00:19:45,981
See this walkie-talkie here? Fake.
408
00:19:45,982 --> 00:19:47,583
It's not hooked up to anything.
409
00:19:47,584 --> 00:19:50,386
His little taser here? Fake.
410
00:19:50,387 --> 00:19:53,488
See? This knife here? Fake.
411
00:19:53,490 --> 00:19:54,757
HANK AND CHARLIE: No, no, no, no, no!
412
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,091
- (SCREAMS)
- No, no...
413
00:19:57,094 --> 00:20:00,262
You got the first two right,
but the knife is real.
414
00:20:00,263 --> 00:20:02,164
- Oh!
- That's right.
415
00:20:02,165 --> 00:20:03,965
Ow...
416
00:20:06,695 --> 00:20:08,007
So then we found Sid's
computer open, and we figured
417
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:09,742
we'd teach y'all a lesson
about messing with your friends.
418
00:20:09,743 --> 00:20:12,458
Well, it worked. I'd already
picked out my prison name.
419
00:20:12,459 --> 00:20:16,528
I settled on Buzzsaw.
420
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:22,367
I figured I'd be working
with a lot of wood.
421
00:20:25,739 --> 00:20:28,541
Well, I'm just sorry
things got so out of hand.
422
00:20:28,542 --> 00:20:30,910
We didn't want you to
give up on love, Charlie.
423
00:20:30,911 --> 00:20:33,446
There's still
somebody out there for you.
424
00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:36,682
And Hank, well...
425
00:20:41,655 --> 00:20:43,823
You trailed off there.
426
00:20:43,824 --> 00:20:47,160
I did, didn't I?
427
00:20:47,161 --> 00:20:48,728
Well, it was a wild ride,
428
00:20:48,729 --> 00:20:51,197
but the good news is nobody got hurt.
429
00:20:51,198 --> 00:20:52,938
Is someone gonna drive me
to the hospital?
430
00:20:54,401 --> 00:20:57,203
Oh. Well, I am the one
that stabbed him, so I suppose
431
00:20:57,204 --> 00:21:00,540
I should do the right thing
and call him an Uber.
432
00:21:00,541 --> 00:21:04,477
Don't worry, Sean,
we'll, uh, pay you double.
433
00:21:04,478 --> 00:21:06,145
- A hundred bucks.
- A hundred bucks?
434
00:21:06,146 --> 00:21:09,249
It's not like he got shot.
435
00:21:09,250 --> 00:21:12,751
Seven minutes, Sean.
It's a blue hatchback.
436
00:21:14,355 --> 00:21:15,483
That's pretty good.
437
00:21:15,571 --> 00:21:16,917
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