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1
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Feast your eyes, Margaret.
2
00:00:07,362 --> 00:00:08,895
The Shady Meadows Wednesday Afternoon
3
00:00:08,896 --> 00:00:10,864
Wine and Cheese Half Hour.
4
00:00:10,865 --> 00:00:14,800
Well, it used to be an hour,
but I had a little incident.
5
00:00:14,802 --> 00:00:19,039
I got cheese drunk
and punched a busboy.
6
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,941
Look at all these bodacious beauties.
7
00:00:20,942 --> 00:00:22,842
Can't you just feel the heat?
8
00:00:22,844 --> 00:00:26,179
Yeah, this room is humming
with sexual energy.
9
00:00:26,180 --> 00:00:31,151
Oh, wait, I think it might
be that guy's oxygen tank.
10
00:00:31,152 --> 00:00:33,954
Yeah, well, you just watch me
and Charlie work. We can't lose.
11
00:00:33,955 --> 00:00:38,358
Actually, Hank, we can,
and we have been for months.
12
00:00:38,359 --> 00:00:40,522
Yeah, well, the cold
streak ends tonight.
13
00:00:40,523 --> 00:00:41,528
Okay.
14
00:00:41,529 --> 00:00:42,662
- Here, be my wingman.
- Okay.
15
00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:44,698
Uh, how you doing, little missy?
16
00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:47,801
Are you my appendix?
'Cause I know nothing about you,
17
00:00:47,802 --> 00:00:49,835
but my gut tells me to take you out.
18
00:00:52,306 --> 00:00:55,908
Hank, we slept together
three years ago.
19
00:00:58,546 --> 00:01:00,747
Wait a minute, y-you thinking
about somebody else.
20
00:01:00,748 --> 00:01:02,716
Oh, no, no, it was you.
21
00:01:02,717 --> 00:01:06,186
You cried after,
a-and then you told me
22
00:01:06,187 --> 00:01:08,654
that I'd never be
as good as your ex-wife.
23
00:01:10,625 --> 00:01:12,926
That does sound like you, Hank.
24
00:01:12,927 --> 00:01:16,029
Remember, after the divorce,
all that crying?
25
00:01:16,030 --> 00:01:17,998
Marriage is complicated, Charlie.
26
00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:21,501
Marriage is complicated!
27
00:01:21,502 --> 00:01:23,470
Well, shake it off.
That was just a rehearsal.
28
00:01:23,471 --> 00:01:25,305
- You up, my man.
- Okay.
29
00:01:25,306 --> 00:01:28,241
I'm going to take
a more direct approach.
30
00:01:28,242 --> 00:01:31,344
Hi, I'm Charlie.
31
00:01:31,345 --> 00:01:33,280
Hello. I'm Anne.
32
00:01:33,281 --> 00:01:37,783
Uh, listen, I haven't had sex
in about five years.
33
00:01:39,787 --> 00:01:43,222
And I'm betting it's probably
double that for you.
34
00:01:45,359 --> 00:01:48,627
So what do you say we solve
each other's problems?
35
00:01:55,970 --> 00:01:58,171
God, that was hard to watch.
36
00:01:58,172 --> 00:02:00,774
It was funny, but it was hard.
37
00:02:00,775 --> 00:02:04,177
You guys really need
to try the online dating.
38
00:02:04,178 --> 00:02:05,645
I mean, I do very well
because, well...
39
00:02:05,646 --> 00:02:07,881
...exhibit M.
40
00:02:07,882 --> 00:02:09,683
It's fun.
41
00:02:09,684 --> 00:02:11,584
Grindr changed my life.
42
00:02:12,987 --> 00:02:14,888
It's like Postmates,
but instead of food,
43
00:02:14,889 --> 00:02:16,622
you get a man delivered.
44
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:20,793
My friend Wanda found
her boyfriend online,
45
00:02:20,795 --> 00:02:23,230
and they were happy until
the day she passed away.
46
00:02:23,231 --> 00:02:25,130
- How'd she die?
- He killed her.
47
00:02:27,268 --> 00:02:29,569
It is the one drawback
of online dating,
48
00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:32,772
but other than that, it is fantastic.
49
00:02:32,773 --> 00:02:35,942
Y'all are crazy. The Internet's
not for finding love,
50
00:02:35,943 --> 00:02:38,044
it's for faxing and Tetris.
51
00:02:38,045 --> 00:02:41,648
Whatever happened
to approaching a woman,
52
00:02:41,649 --> 00:02:45,252
buying her a drink
and assuming she owes you sex?
53
00:02:45,253 --> 00:02:48,454
You really need to watch
the news more.
54
00:02:49,857 --> 00:02:51,825
And you should really try
the online dating, Hank.
55
00:02:51,826 --> 00:02:56,162
I think you would do much better
with people that don't know you.
56
00:02:56,163 --> 00:02:57,998
I don't know this beautiful
woman over here,
57
00:02:57,999 --> 00:02:59,699
but I'm about to.
58
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:02,701
How's it going, sweet pea?
59
00:03:04,071 --> 00:03:06,105
Damn, Raul, get a haircut.
60
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:30,118
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
61
00:03:30,888 --> 00:03:35,225
Well, I guess this online dating
isn't the worst idea.
62
00:03:35,226 --> 00:03:37,427
Shady Meadows is scorched
earth for old Hank.
63
00:03:37,428 --> 00:03:40,096
I plowed too many of those driveways.
64
00:03:40,097 --> 00:03:42,065
You're not gonna put
"plowed driveways"
65
00:03:42,066 --> 00:03:44,167
in your profile, are you?
66
00:03:44,168 --> 00:03:46,302
Course not.
I got more sense than that.
67
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,274
Well, I'm just glad that
you realized that I'm right,
68
00:03:51,275 --> 00:03:53,510
because earlier, you were
saying that online dating
69
00:03:53,511 --> 00:03:55,946
was for "sickos and losers."
70
00:03:55,947 --> 00:03:58,849
Oh, it is. But I'm just trying
to have sex here, Margaret.
71
00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:02,519
Okay. Here we go.
72
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,554
Name: Charlie.
73
00:04:04,555 --> 00:04:06,823
About Me: I love art.
74
00:04:06,824 --> 00:04:09,259
I have proof that the
moon landing was a hoax.
75
00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:11,928
And I have 27 Vietnam kills.
76
00:04:11,929 --> 00:04:14,664
Ooh, I wouldn't mention Vietnam.
77
00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:19,669
Okay. Right, I have 27 kills.
78
00:04:19,670 --> 00:04:21,337
Uh, don't talk about killing anyone,
79
00:04:21,339 --> 00:04:24,107
and I shouldn't have
to keep saying that.
80
00:04:24,108 --> 00:04:26,676
Do you, Charlie.
Don't listen to these naysayers.
81
00:04:26,677 --> 00:04:28,111
We are just trying to help.
82
00:04:28,112 --> 00:04:29,980
Margaret and I do very well online.
83
00:04:29,981 --> 00:04:32,449
Last month, I was featured
on the home page of Grindr
84
00:04:32,450 --> 00:04:35,285
due to my high number of GPWs.
85
00:04:35,286 --> 00:04:38,622
That's grinds per week.
86
00:04:38,623 --> 00:04:41,191
You two only cleaned up
'cause you're looking for men.
87
00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,426
Men will have sex with anything.
88
00:04:43,427 --> 00:04:45,061
Don't be jealous, Hank,
89
00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:47,063
because green is not
a good color on you,
90
00:04:47,064 --> 00:04:49,432
and while I'm on the subject,
neither is yellow or red
91
00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:51,233
or purple.
92
00:04:52,703 --> 00:04:54,871
You look bad is what I'm saying, Hank.
93
00:04:54,872 --> 00:04:58,308
We'll just see about that
once I post my profile.
94
00:04:58,309 --> 00:05:01,211
Name: Hanky Panky.
95
00:05:01,212 --> 00:05:04,814
Interests: Dat ass
96
00:05:04,815 --> 00:05:07,217
in my hands, girl.
97
00:05:07,218 --> 00:05:10,886
And... golf.
98
00:05:12,490 --> 00:05:13,957
You guys, do you think I should remove
99
00:05:13,958 --> 00:05:16,059
the picture of my 11th toe?
100
00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,396
I think you should remove the toe.
101
00:05:19,397 --> 00:05:21,764
Hank, you want me to take
your profile picture?
102
00:05:21,766 --> 00:05:23,600
Nah, I'm gonna take it in private.
103
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,035
Butt naked.
104
00:05:25,036 --> 00:05:28,571
Ooh! I just thought of my caption.
105
00:05:28,572 --> 00:05:32,875
"Hanky Panky wants a spanky."
106
00:05:37,782 --> 00:05:39,716
You were right, Margaret.
107
00:05:39,717 --> 00:05:41,518
This online dating is the real deal.
108
00:05:41,519 --> 00:05:44,921
My phone hasn't blown up
this much since my daddy died.
109
00:05:44,922 --> 00:05:48,024
That's terrific, Hank.
110
00:05:48,025 --> 00:05:50,860
How about you, Charlie?
You drowning in cyber-booty?
111
00:05:50,861 --> 00:05:54,397
No booty. In fact,
I've only gotten one response.
112
00:05:54,398 --> 00:05:56,099
Hey, it only takes one.
113
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,600
Who messaged you?
114
00:05:57,601 --> 00:05:59,369
One of my kids.
115
00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:01,972
Been trying to find me
for years. I deleted it.
116
00:06:01,973 --> 00:06:04,574
Yeah, buddy, that's too bad.
117
00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:10,046
Well, I guess I'll go figure out
the best way to light my dong.
118
00:06:10,047 --> 00:06:14,484
Well, if there is a market
for Hanky Panky's dong shots,
119
00:06:14,485 --> 00:06:16,186
then I think you have nothing
to worry about, Charlie.
120
00:06:16,187 --> 00:06:17,454
You keep your head up.
121
00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:19,356
Ah, that's sweet of you to say,
122
00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:23,859
but it may be just too late
for a guy like me to find love.
123
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,696
I'm gonna go help Hank light his dong.
124
00:06:26,697 --> 00:06:29,099
Oh, we need to do something.
125
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,601
He's our friend, he needs cheering up.
126
00:06:31,602 --> 00:06:33,336
We could take him for an ice cream.
127
00:06:33,337 --> 00:06:35,305
Or buy him a hooker.
128
00:06:35,306 --> 00:06:37,340
Skipped a whole lot of steps there.
129
00:06:37,341 --> 00:06:39,743
No, we don't want him
to give up on love.
130
00:06:39,744 --> 00:06:41,778
What if, what if we create
131
00:06:41,779 --> 00:06:44,581
an online profile
to flirt with Charlie?
132
00:06:44,582 --> 00:06:47,083
Margaret, I'm gonna tell you
what I told my baby sister
133
00:06:47,084 --> 00:06:49,719
when she wanted to become a singer.
134
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,489
Bitch, that's a terrible idea.
135
00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:55,692
Come on. We're just gonna
build up his confidence
136
00:06:55,693 --> 00:06:58,094
until he finds a real person.
137
00:06:58,095 --> 00:06:59,863
It's kind of like training wheels,
138
00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:03,633
only the end result is riding
a lady instead of a bike.
139
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:05,935
Now, we got to make sure
she's Charlie's type
140
00:07:05,936 --> 00:07:08,004
so that he'll take the bait.
141
00:07:08,005 --> 00:07:10,707
"Hi, I'm Nadine.
142
00:07:10,708 --> 00:07:12,909
"65 years young.
143
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:18,381
The moon landing was filmed in
Hollywood by Stanley Kubrick."
144
00:07:18,382 --> 00:07:20,817
You got to sex that up, honey.
145
00:07:20,818 --> 00:07:23,186
All men are pervs, even Charlie.
146
00:07:23,187 --> 00:07:25,422
Ooh, I know.
Give her a mysterious name.
147
00:07:25,423 --> 00:07:30,527
Something like Destiny.
148
00:07:30,528 --> 00:07:33,196
There's nothing mysterious
about the name Destiny.
149
00:07:33,197 --> 00:07:35,330
She's a stripper, mystery solved.
150
00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:42,739
♪ She'll be coming around the
mountain when she comes ♪
151
00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:44,407
♪ When she comes, she'll be coming... ♪
152
00:07:44,408 --> 00:07:46,376
Whoa! No dancing.
153
00:07:46,377 --> 00:07:49,245
Whoa, hey. Hey, gang.
154
00:07:49,246 --> 00:07:51,014
Guess what?
155
00:07:51,015 --> 00:07:56,386
My profile got a response
last night, and it is a doozy.
156
00:07:56,387 --> 00:08:00,156
Oh. So somebody messaged you
and now you're happy.
157
00:08:00,157 --> 00:08:01,858
Tell us all about this dream girl.
158
00:08:01,859 --> 00:08:04,360
Ah, well, every single thing
about her is...
159
00:08:04,361 --> 00:08:06,796
...beautiful.
160
00:08:06,797 --> 00:08:09,865
Even her name. Destiny.
161
00:08:12,803 --> 00:08:15,238
Say what, now?
162
00:08:15,239 --> 00:08:17,173
Oh, my, my, her name is Destiny.
163
00:08:17,174 --> 00:08:19,809
Oh, she sounds mysterious.
164
00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,778
And sexy.
165
00:08:21,779 --> 00:08:23,980
Exactly what a man would want.
166
00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:27,217
So did you hear from anybody else?
167
00:08:27,218 --> 00:08:29,385
- You get any other bites?
- Ah, yes actually.
168
00:08:29,386 --> 00:08:31,688
Some Nadine lady...
169
00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:34,591
...claiming that the moon
landing was filmed in Hollywood.
170
00:08:34,592 --> 00:08:36,458
What an idiot.
171
00:08:38,129 --> 00:08:39,696
Everybody knows it was filmed
172
00:08:39,697 --> 00:08:44,200
in an airplane hanger
in Southern Utah. Duh.
173
00:08:44,201 --> 00:08:46,936
Well, it sounds like you have
a lot to talk to her about.
174
00:08:46,937 --> 00:08:50,273
Nah, she's garbage.
175
00:08:50,274 --> 00:08:52,542
Listen to this message
that Destiny sent me:
176
00:08:52,543 --> 00:08:58,081
"Dearest Charles, when I am done
having my way with you,
177
00:08:58,082 --> 00:09:03,252
our loins will be"...
get this... "obliterated."
178
00:09:06,323 --> 00:09:10,960
Oh. Wow, obliterated loins.
179
00:09:10,961 --> 00:09:13,163
- Yes.
- I wouldn't have ever taken you
180
00:09:13,164 --> 00:09:15,565
for the kind of guy
that liked that sort of smut.
181
00:09:15,566 --> 00:09:17,333
Oh, well, Margaret,
let's not confuse smut
182
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,835
with well-written erotica.
183
00:09:22,173 --> 00:09:25,408
And also, look at this one.
184
00:09:25,409 --> 00:09:28,311
She said, she said,
her hands were tired
185
00:09:28,312 --> 00:09:30,813
so her boobies typed this.
186
00:09:30,814 --> 00:09:32,814
Oh, for heaven's sake.
187
00:09:32,816 --> 00:09:34,617
That doesn't even make any sense.
188
00:09:34,618 --> 00:09:36,819
Well, it makes perfect sense.
189
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,288
It makes perfect sense to me, too.
190
00:09:38,289 --> 00:09:40,690
Boobies can't type, dum-dums.
191
00:09:40,691 --> 00:09:42,124
Maybe not yours.
192
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,663
Well, anyhoo, I just wanted
to share the good news,
193
00:09:46,664 --> 00:09:49,899
and to thank you for introducing
me to online dating.
194
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:51,801
You were right, Margaret.
It's fantastic.
195
00:09:51,802 --> 00:09:56,005
Oh, way to go. Way to go,
Charlie. Yay! Ha, ha.
196
00:09:56,006 --> 00:09:58,041
What the hell, Sid?
197
00:09:58,042 --> 00:10:02,345
You created the Destiny profile?
198
00:10:02,346 --> 00:10:04,147
Oh, sounds like somebody's jealous
199
00:10:04,148 --> 00:10:07,917
that Charlie chose my girl
over your moon nerd.
200
00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:09,819
"Your girl"?
201
00:10:09,820 --> 00:10:11,688
Aren't you getting
a little caught up in this?
202
00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:13,656
I'm not getting caught up in squat.
203
00:10:13,657 --> 00:10:15,959
It's not like I created
an elaborate backstory
204
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,162
of Destiny's strict
Southern upbringing
205
00:10:19,163 --> 00:10:24,400
as an oil man's only daughter
in rural 1950s Kentucky,
206
00:10:24,401 --> 00:10:29,204
when everybody in town knew
damn well Pappy wanted a boy.
207
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,579
Wow, what a backstory.
208
00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:38,548
Why Kentucky?
209
00:10:38,549 --> 00:10:40,916
- Well, Margaret, in the 19...
- I don't really care!
210
00:10:42,486 --> 00:10:44,954
Remember, we're trying
to help Charlie here,
211
00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:48,256
we are not writing a porno
version of Gone with the Wind.
212
00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:52,528
Well, why can't we do both?
213
00:10:52,529 --> 00:10:55,198
Oh. Sid, promise me
you won't do anything else
214
00:10:55,199 --> 00:10:56,899
without running it by me first.
215
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,802
Oh, Margaret, I wouldn't dream of it.
216
00:10:59,803 --> 00:11:04,207
♪ Hank! Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank ♪
217
00:11:04,208 --> 00:11:07,709
♪ Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it... ♪
218
00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:10,612
I'm in love with a woman
named Destiny.
219
00:11:13,584 --> 00:11:16,518
♪ Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it, ow... ♪
220
00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:24,494
So Hank, you're telling me
that you messaged a woman
221
00:11:24,495 --> 00:11:27,431
named Destiny last night,
and she wrote you back?
222
00:11:27,432 --> 00:11:29,498
Oh, she sure did.
223
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:33,135
And she typed it... get this...
with her butt cheeks.
224
00:11:35,339 --> 00:11:37,441
Well, love is in the air.
225
00:11:37,442 --> 00:11:40,043
Sid, let's go play
a little game of pool.
226
00:11:40,044 --> 00:11:42,177
I don't want to play pool
with you. You take my money
227
00:11:42,178 --> 00:11:44,813
and then you poke me
with that stick. Oh!
228
00:11:44,814 --> 00:11:48,116
Why did you message Hank back?
229
00:11:48,117 --> 00:11:51,086
Relax, Margaret,
I'm just having a little fun.
230
00:11:51,087 --> 00:11:54,956
When I'm on Grindr, there's
no romance or witty banter.
231
00:11:54,957 --> 00:11:57,925
It's just,
"Wham, bam, thank you, Sid."
232
00:11:59,195 --> 00:12:01,296
But now, the conversation is flowing,
233
00:12:01,297 --> 00:12:03,565
the boys are happy. What is the harm?
234
00:12:03,566 --> 00:12:05,067
Do I really have to say it?
235
00:12:05,068 --> 00:12:07,135
You are catfishing
your two best friends,
236
00:12:07,136 --> 00:12:11,839
posing as a woman who types
with her milkers and her dumper.
237
00:12:14,977 --> 00:12:17,211
And the problem is?
238
00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:19,348
You're not gonna be able
to land this plane, Sid.
239
00:12:19,349 --> 00:12:21,216
They're gonna figure it out.
240
00:12:21,217 --> 00:12:26,154
Hey, Hank, what has two thumbs,
11 toes and found a girl online?
241
00:12:26,155 --> 00:12:28,957
This guy.
242
00:12:28,958 --> 00:12:31,727
Well, let me hit my contact up
over there at Applebee's...
243
00:12:31,728 --> 00:12:33,195
- Okay.
- ...'cause guess what?
244
00:12:33,196 --> 00:12:35,330
Me and you are going out
on a double date!
245
00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,832
- Yeah!
- Ha, ha!
246
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,467
Old Hanky Panky has narrowed it down
247
00:12:38,468 --> 00:12:42,104
to one very special woman,
and her name is...
248
00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:43,839
Destiny.
249
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,676
I got to go to the barber... uhp!
250
00:12:47,677 --> 00:12:50,512
My-my sweetie's name is Destiny, too.
251
00:12:50,513 --> 00:12:53,682
Oh, that's a common name.
End of that conversation.
252
00:12:53,683 --> 00:12:56,118
Uh, anybody like volcanoes?
253
00:12:56,119 --> 00:12:58,231
Wait a minute, where's
your Destiny from?
254
00:12:58,232 --> 00:12:59,030
Kentucky.
255
00:12:59,031 --> 00:13:02,891
No volcanoes there, which brings
me back to volcanoes.
256
00:13:02,892 --> 00:13:05,761
Wait a minute,
my Destiny's from Kentucky, too.
257
00:13:05,762 --> 00:13:07,262
Have you met your girl yet?
258
00:13:07,263 --> 00:13:08,730
Not yet. But we have plans to meet
259
00:13:08,731 --> 00:13:10,365
as soon as she gets back from...
260
00:13:10,366 --> 00:13:12,633
...auditioning for the Rockettes?
261
00:13:14,036 --> 00:13:16,670
God, I hope they both make the cut.
262
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:21,342
Or it's gonna be
one awkward night at Applebee's.
263
00:13:23,246 --> 00:13:24,946
Man, we're dating
the same woman, Charlie.
264
00:13:24,947 --> 00:13:27,082
Oh, that's impossible.
265
00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:28,817
I mean, how could she like us both?
266
00:13:28,818 --> 00:13:31,620
- We're total opposites.
- Well, you got that right.
267
00:13:31,621 --> 00:13:34,788
You're a crusty, burned-out
ex-hippie and I'm DTF.
268
00:13:34,791 --> 00:13:37,359
Dark, tall and fun.
269
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,462
That's not what DTF means.
270
00:13:40,463 --> 00:13:43,064
Fun? You could be
in a personality contest
271
00:13:43,065 --> 00:13:45,967
all by yourself and come in third.
272
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:49,304
Stop it, stop it, stop it,
both of you.
273
00:13:49,305 --> 00:13:51,373
You're just horny.
274
00:13:51,374 --> 00:13:53,875
Hank, you said you had lots
of women in your inbox.
275
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,610
Date one of them.
276
00:13:55,611 --> 00:13:58,079
Well, I lied.
Didn't nobody message me back.
277
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,581
I came on too strong
with my dong pics.
278
00:14:02,218 --> 00:14:04,386
Destiny's the only one
who liked my pic.
279
00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:05,887
I'll bet.
280
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,821
Well...
281
00:14:11,527 --> 00:14:14,296
...I've heard enough.
I'm messaging Destiny.
282
00:14:14,297 --> 00:14:17,466
What? No, I'm gonna message
Destiny, right now.
283
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:20,702
Oh! Ooh! Excuse me.
284
00:14:20,703 --> 00:14:23,305
Excuse me,
I got a bad case of the toots.
285
00:14:24,874 --> 00:14:27,474
Talk about volcanic eruptions.
286
00:14:32,181 --> 00:14:34,583
This is bad.
This is really, really bad.
287
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:36,351
Uh-oh. I know what's happening here.
288
00:14:36,352 --> 00:14:38,119
You're feeling guilty
289
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,322
because this was all your idea,
aren't you?
290
00:14:40,323 --> 00:14:42,424
Now you look angry.
291
00:14:42,425 --> 00:14:45,460
But you're angry at yourself.
292
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:48,463
Ooh, you're angry at me.
293
00:14:48,464 --> 00:14:50,832
Destiny would be happier with me.
294
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,701
I'm smart, I'm funny.
295
00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:55,303
Stop it, you guys. You are friends.
296
00:14:55,304 --> 00:14:57,906
Well, Margaret's right.
This ends right here.
297
00:14:57,907 --> 00:15:00,575
- Thank you.
- With a good old-fashioned fistfight.
298
00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,744
- What?
- That is the best idea
299
00:15:02,745 --> 00:15:04,813
you've ever had, you old fart.
300
00:15:04,814 --> 00:15:07,181
- What? You're older than me.
- Yeah, but I'm not a fart.
301
00:15:08,851 --> 00:15:10,384
They're fighting over me, Margaret.
302
00:15:10,386 --> 00:15:13,221
Ow. You got an elbow
like a praying mantis.
303
00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:15,290
You guys, stop it. You cannot fight.
304
00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:19,561
Charlie, you need a tool
to help you put your socks on.
305
00:15:19,562 --> 00:15:22,496
Oh, no, we're fighting.
Two hours, dining hall.
306
00:15:22,498 --> 00:15:25,133
Right after Judge Judy
and before Judge Joe Brown.
307
00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:27,335
Okay. See you there.
308
00:15:27,336 --> 00:15:30,638
Can't wait to update
my profile to 28 kills.
309
00:15:32,708 --> 00:15:35,377
- I think they bought it.
- Yeah.
310
00:15:35,378 --> 00:15:38,480
And they have no idea
that we know they're Destiny.
311
00:15:38,481 --> 00:15:39,614
Yeah, this'll teach them not to leave
312
00:15:39,615 --> 00:15:41,016
their laptops laying around.
313
00:15:41,017 --> 00:15:42,551
Do you want to hit them with one more?
314
00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:45,954
Okay, okay, um...
I hate you, Hank Henderson!
315
00:15:45,955 --> 00:15:48,623
You will rue this day!
316
00:15:48,624 --> 00:15:50,358
Rue this day!
317
00:15:50,359 --> 00:15:53,828
Rue you, bitch!
318
00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:55,397
I'm about to get nose-deep
319
00:15:55,398 --> 00:15:58,365
in Destiny's magical typing boobies.
320
00:16:02,638 --> 00:16:04,706
This is awful.
321
00:16:04,707 --> 00:16:06,575
They're about to beat the crap
out of each other
322
00:16:06,576 --> 00:16:08,276
and it's all our fault.
323
00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:09,444
What are we gonna do?
324
00:16:09,445 --> 00:16:11,445
The only thing we can do.
325
00:16:17,486 --> 00:16:19,253
Hear me out.
326
00:16:25,963 --> 00:16:28,565
No, Sid. Absolutely no.
327
00:16:28,566 --> 00:16:31,734
- Well, at least let me explain it.
- Oh, I got it.
328
00:16:31,735 --> 00:16:34,070
You're dressed as Destiny
and now you're gonna go try
329
00:16:34,071 --> 00:16:36,306
and talk the boys
into being friends again.
330
00:16:36,307 --> 00:16:39,475
Okay, it's clear, then.
So what's the holdup?
331
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:42,178
There is no way in hell that
anybody is ever gonna believe
332
00:16:42,179 --> 00:16:43,645
that you are Destiny.
333
00:16:43,647 --> 00:16:45,248
Look at you.
334
00:16:45,249 --> 00:16:50,220
Well, you haven't even heard
the voice yet.
335
00:16:50,221 --> 00:16:53,790
- It was...
- No, Sid!
336
00:16:53,791 --> 00:16:57,360
No. You are a 66-year-old
four-foot-ten man
337
00:16:57,361 --> 00:16:59,662
that Hank and Charlie hang out
with every single day.
338
00:16:59,663 --> 00:17:01,297
This is not gonna work.
339
00:17:01,298 --> 00:17:03,566
What's your idea then?
340
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:05,568
Just fess up to the whole damn thing?
341
00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:07,770
Our friends will hate us forever.
342
00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:09,639
Well, that's why
they can't ever find out.
343
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,176
We're gonna go to that fight,
as us, in our regular clothes,
344
00:17:13,177 --> 00:17:15,078
and we are gonna tell them
how stupid they are acting
345
00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:17,447
over a woman they've never even met.
346
00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:19,716
Well, fine. But I know my
Destiny would've had them
347
00:17:19,717 --> 00:17:24,187
eating out of the palms
of her tiny, feminine hands.
348
00:17:24,188 --> 00:17:26,556
Why do you even have this wig, anyway?
349
00:17:26,557 --> 00:17:27,823
Can I live, please?
350
00:17:34,832 --> 00:17:36,699
All right, Sean,
your grandmother tells us
351
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,067
you're a great actor.
352
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:39,569
Well, I just booked
a dental floss commercial,
353
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,037
so you tell me.
354
00:17:41,038 --> 00:17:42,338
All right.
355
00:17:42,339 --> 00:17:44,073
So here's the deal:
you're gonna come in,
356
00:17:44,074 --> 00:17:45,808
you're gonna arrest us, right?
357
00:17:45,809 --> 00:17:47,944
Scare the hell out
of our friends, they confess,
358
00:17:47,945 --> 00:17:51,014
you get your 50 bucks, and you
get to go home to your wife.
359
00:17:51,015 --> 00:17:54,117
- I don't have a wife.
- That's smart. Marriage is complicated.
360
00:17:54,118 --> 00:17:55,785
Uhp, here they come. Places, people.
361
00:17:55,786 --> 00:17:58,854
You've got this, Sean!
362
00:18:00,791 --> 00:18:03,059
You don't scare me, Hank.
363
00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:04,994
I ate a man's nose in Nam,
364
00:18:04,995 --> 00:18:07,664
and then I asked him how
he liked the smell of my guts.
365
00:18:07,665 --> 00:18:10,333
Yeah? Back in the day,
I used to have suckers begging
366
00:18:10,334 --> 00:18:12,969
for their mamas,
then I'd bang their mamas.
367
00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:15,171
- You guys, stop!
- Never!
368
00:18:15,172 --> 00:18:17,106
Oh, well, we tried.
I'll go get the wig.
369
00:18:17,107 --> 00:18:20,175
Fight! Fight! Fight!
370
00:18:20,177 --> 00:18:22,045
Maybe we should just let them go.
371
00:18:22,046 --> 00:18:24,781
I mean, they're old men,
how bad could it be?
372
00:18:24,782 --> 00:18:26,683
You made the classic blunder.
373
00:18:26,684 --> 00:18:29,552
You brought a fist to a knife fight.
374
00:18:30,988 --> 00:18:33,056
Break it up, you two!
375
00:18:33,057 --> 00:18:36,392
We've got a 1099 in progress.
That's right.
376
00:18:36,393 --> 00:18:39,329
Two old guys fighting
over a woman. That's right.
377
00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:41,898
Put me through to the commissioner.
378
00:18:41,899 --> 00:18:44,734
They're putting him through
to the commissioner, Margaret.
379
00:18:44,735 --> 00:18:47,403
We'll be jailed for cybercrimes.
380
00:18:47,404 --> 00:18:49,272
Calm down, Sid.
381
00:18:49,273 --> 00:18:51,240
No, th-they'll put me
in the big house.
382
00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:53,042
Look at me, I'll get eaten alive.
383
00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:55,778
You'll be fine.
384
00:18:55,779 --> 00:18:58,281
That's right,
you're both under arrest.
385
00:18:58,282 --> 00:19:00,282
For illegal knife-fighting.
386
00:19:00,284 --> 00:19:03,353
I'm gonna power this taser
up to a thousand volts.
387
00:19:03,354 --> 00:19:05,288
That's right.
388
00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:07,223
The highest amount of volts.
389
00:19:07,224 --> 00:19:09,726
No, no, no! No, no, no,
you'll kill them!
390
00:19:09,727 --> 00:19:11,593
No, it was me! I did it, I'm Destiny!
391
00:19:12,796 --> 00:19:14,697
I never meant to hurt y'all.
392
00:19:14,698 --> 00:19:18,134
We were just trying to help,
but we-we got carried away.
393
00:19:18,135 --> 00:19:19,669
Tell them, Margaret.
Tell them that we did it.
394
00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:22,005
They know that we're Destiny, Sid.
395
00:19:22,006 --> 00:19:24,040
They're just messing with us.
396
00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:25,707
What?
397
00:19:25,709 --> 00:19:29,478
I'm more confused than the night
I conceived my son.
398
00:19:31,615 --> 00:19:33,883
This cop, he's a fake.
399
00:19:33,884 --> 00:19:36,019
And a really bad actor, by the way.
400
00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:37,652
Um, wow.
401
00:19:39,156 --> 00:19:40,956
That's right.
402
00:19:46,764 --> 00:19:50,433
You called in
a 1099. That's a tax form.
403
00:19:50,434 --> 00:19:53,302
See this walkie-talkie here? Fake.
404
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:54,904
It's not hooked up to anything.
405
00:19:54,905 --> 00:19:57,707
His little taser here? Fake.
406
00:19:57,708 --> 00:20:00,809
See? This knife here? Fake.
407
00:20:00,811 --> 00:20:02,078
No, no, no, no, no!
408
00:20:02,079 --> 00:20:04,412
No, no...
409
00:20:04,415 --> 00:20:07,583
You got the first two right,
but the knife is real.
410
00:20:07,584 --> 00:20:09,485
- Oh!
- That's right.
411
00:20:09,486 --> 00:20:11,286
Ow...
412
00:20:14,732 --> 00:20:17,141
So then we found Sid's
computer open, and we figured
413
00:20:17,142 --> 00:20:18,876
we'd teach y'all a lesson
about messing with your friends.
414
00:20:18,877 --> 00:20:21,592
Well, it worked. I'd already
picked out my prison name.
415
00:20:21,593 --> 00:20:25,662
I settled on Buzzsaw.
416
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:31,501
I figured I'd be working
with a lot of wood.
417
00:20:34,873 --> 00:20:37,675
Well, I'm just sorry
things got so out of hand.
418
00:20:37,676 --> 00:20:40,044
We didn't want you to
give up on love, Charlie.
419
00:20:40,045 --> 00:20:42,580
There's still somebody
out there for you.
420
00:20:42,581 --> 00:20:45,816
And Hank, well...
421
00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:52,957
You trailed off there.
422
00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:56,294
I did, didn't I?
423
00:20:56,295 --> 00:20:57,862
Well, it was a wild ride,
424
00:20:57,863 --> 00:21:00,331
but the good news is nobody got hurt.
425
00:21:00,332 --> 00:21:02,072
Is someone gonna drive me
to the hospital?
426
00:21:03,535 --> 00:21:06,337
Oh. Well, I am the one
that stabbed him, so I suppose
427
00:21:06,338 --> 00:21:09,674
I should do the right thing
and call him an Uber.
428
00:21:09,675 --> 00:21:13,611
Don't worry, Sean,
we'll, uh, pay you double.
429
00:21:13,612 --> 00:21:15,279
- A hundred bucks.
- A hundred bucks?
430
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,383
It's not like he got shot.
431
00:21:18,384 --> 00:21:21,885
Seven minutes, Sean.
It's a blue hatchback.
432
00:21:23,489 --> 00:21:24,617
That's pretty good.
433
00:21:24,705 --> 00:21:27,185
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