Original subtitles

So you're the only new kid. Big deal, right?

You are gonna crush first grade, Soph.

Thanks, Dad.

A-A-And in case you do get nervous,

I got you something special.

A magical amulet.

Nothing bad can happen to you when you got this guy on.

[Wizard voice] Careful! Ooh, don't let the magic out!

[Gasps]

Did you make this out of Post-its?

No!

Yes.

It's gonna be way worse for me

if I'm wearing sticky notes around my neck.

I'm good on my own.

[Normal voice] You're good on your own?

Yeah. See you at pickup.

Okay.

Bye. [Smooches]

WILL: [Softly] ♪ I've been staring at the edge of the water ♪

♪ Long as I can remember ♪

♪ Never really knowing why, cha cha cha cha cha ♪

Are you whisper-singing "Moana" at me?

Well, yeah, 'cause it always calms you down.

But not now. Bad timing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Read the room, right?

Okay, you got this.

- Bye, I love you. - Bye.

- It's gonna be fun. - What if I miss you?

Look, buddy, we talked about this.

It's only six hours. You're gonna do great.

Can I have your scarf?

Graham, we're not doing the scarf thing.

Please. It helps when I have something of yours to sniff.

Look, I don't want you sitting at your desk

during recess sniffing my stuff.

Okay, fine, but you're gonna eat vegetables tonight,

the green bummer ones.

[Sniffs deeply] Mmm.

Like coconuts and safety.

Mom? I'm regretting the purple.

I should have dressed like a normal kid.

Hey. What's the one thing you always have to be?

- Myself? - And who are you?

Honestly, Mom, I don't even know right now.

Hey, you are a smart, stylish young man

who could pull off jewel tones better than anyone I know.

And you can cut a rug.

Okay.

Today, I am a grape!

You heard him. My kid's living his truth.

Dad, you forgot our lunch boxes.

Okay, tell you what.

Take 20 bucks and buy yourself a burger from the grill, huh?

Dad, this isn't the club. There's no grill.

Right. Here, sweetheart.

Get yourself some crap with a rainbow on it.

- My kid's taking your lunch. - Hey!

No one ever packed me snacks. Make it work.

Dad, you can't call girls "sweetheart."

It's not empowering.

Okay, let me tell you what is empowering...

fending for yourself.

Kids today, they're treated like morons.

But not you two.

I would share a foxhole with both of you,

and that is the highest compliment I can give you.

All right, hit me with the family motto.

No weakness.

- Drain the swamp. - [All exhale sharply]

Excuse me. Sir? Are you supposed to be here?

Do you have a child in this class?

Oh, uh, he's my neighbor.

He's 20, and he's raising a baby alone.

He hasn't fully accepted

that his life has changed forever, you know?

Yeah, um, I'm not running a support group.

You're a little mean. I like it.

- [Jack cries] - Where am I?

Oh, I had the strangest dream.

[Jack cooing]

Oh.

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to leave.

He goes where we go.

Here you go. Get yourself something nice.

I can't accept tips.

Okay. It, uh, "dropped on the floor."

[Ringing]

Attention! Excuse me! Hello, hi!

Quiet coyotes. Quiet coyotes.

Thank you.

My name is Will Cooper,

and I have the honor of being your Room Parent.

- Nice. - Oh, that's exciting.

- Oh, no. - Ooh, this is bad.

Is he wearing a necklace made of garbage?

Uh, Sophie and I are new to the school,

and we are so looking forward

to getting to know every one of you.

I am single.

Um...

Always try to get that out there.

Just never quite sure how to work it in.

But that just means I have more time

for creating a little hot lunch option I call...

[Oprah-style singsong voice] ... "Taco Tuesday," y'all!

- [Applause] - [Normal voice] Right?

Did he just "Oprah" that?

- He know he's white, right? - Everybody knows.

- Come on! Give me fives! All right! - Somebody tell me when it's safe

for my nuts to return to my body.

Now, I see a lot of you are wondering,

"Where do I fit into the equation?"

Five words... "One hundred percent parent participation."

- He's got to be kidding. - [Murmuring]

- I am not kidding. - Not happening.

I'm gonna be standing right outside that door

with this sign-up sheet, okay?

This is what's become of the American male.

We used to make things.

Empathy, Douglas. He's single. We're single.

No, I've never been that single.

Do not try to avoid me,

'cause I will hunt you down and circle you like a shark.

- [Imitating shark] - [Children gasp]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Okay, guys, we need to talk babysitting.

I'll need help Thursday because

all the paralegals are going out to karaoke.

Just kidding. We're staying late to file.

On Thursday, I'm busy.

I got to 'Gram my new Yeezys.

- You're a ridiculous person. - Thanks, man!

Well, at least he doesn't eat steak

with the same pasty old white guys night after night.

We're not pasty old white guys.

We're dermatologists

saving the lives of pasty old white guys.

Hey, guys, I need some help.

Found this in Graham's backpack.

- Aww, Graham wrote a love letter. - Aww.

- Oh, no, to Zoe? - Yes.

That girl who always wears bunny ears?

- She's crazy. - She runs the school.

And if she breaks Graham's heart,

I will chop off her feet and turn them into keychains.

- Huh? - Just kidding.

- But I'll be really mad. - [Indistinct talking in distance]

Oh, God, the new guy.

...field trips? Actually, are you insured drivers?

We have got to deal with him.

But I have no time to be handing out tacos all year.

- No. - Word.

I'm still in awe of how you did away

with last year's Room Parent.

You wiped all trace of us from that phone tree.

It's kind of my thing.

Parents! Will Cooper!

I just wanted to, uh, circle back

and see where we are vis-à-vis committees.

You know what? Let me say it plain...

we're not gonna do anything you want us to do.

No, man. We're single parents.

We don't volunteer. We just try and survive

until a time in the day when it's appropriate to open wine.

I don't know if you heard my announcement,

- but I'm single, as well. - We heard.

- We... We heard. - We heard, bro.

So I have no wiggle room on parent participation.

You're in deep, aren't you?

Deep in what?

The vortex.

That place where you're so wrapped up in your kid

that you've lost all touch with your adult life

and the person you used to be.

I know, 'cause I've been there.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪ [Baby crying]

♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

[Thud]

It happens to all of us.

But [chuckles] I don't think I'm in a vortex.

Will, when was the last time you stayed up past 10:00?

In the nighttime?

Okay, when's the last time you made love?

[Laughing] Oh, my...

It's okay. There's no judgment here.

This is a safe space.

- Yeah, for real. - Yeah, just tell us.

- Yeah? - Just ballpark.

All right, ballpark...

give or take a month, it's been about...

five years.

- Oh, baby, no. - Whoo!

[Indistinct shouting]

- Dang! - Oh, my God.

You guys said that this was a safe space.

Not that safe.

You know, what you need is a date.

Poppy?

There. I made you a Tinder account.

How did you... Is that my face on Putin's body?

Pushing you into the deep end, Will. That's how we do this.

If I'm being honest, the timing's not great.

It's 120 days till Christmas...

Are you gonna hide behind that sign-up sheet

or am I swiping right?

I've got Room Parent responsibilities...

- Come on! Swipe! Swipe! - I have no investment either way.

- Never done something like this before, okay? - [Chanting] Swipe!

You know what? Do it.

Swipe left!

It's "swipe right."

It's "swipe right," and you just said that. Sorry.

Okay, okay, okay. We got Emma, we got Amy,

we got Rory, we got Graham. Who are you?

Wrong van, kid. Get out of here. Beat it.

Angie! Hey! Will Cooper from yesterday.

- So, tonight's date night. - Ooh.

Remember, a real man pays for dinner.

Is that true? I mean, I don't know by 2018's standards...

Will, I say this with an open heart

and nothing but love...

- you're a disaster. - Preach.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm a disaster.

I mean, yes, I'm experiencing some anxiety,

but that's normal, okay? And I'm just...

Will. I don't have time for this.

- Oh. - We got you the date,

and now I have to babysit everyone else's kids

so I can have a Saturday night to drink champagne out of a can

and watch a bird documentary.

Okay, 'cause I was actually coming over to say

I could babysit today if you want...

We'll be there in 15 minutes.

Oh, cool.

- ♪ That's right, hold it down ♪ - DIEGO: Yo, why did you bring

your baby to the sneaker line?

'Cause free babysitting doesn't just fall out of the sky.

- [Scoffs] - [Cellphone chimes]

Oh, snap! Free babysitting!

All right, yo, hey. Be right back.

- Wait... - Okay.

I... Imma come back. Hold my spot.

I... I'll be back without the baby. Just me.

Hold my spot!

♪♪

- [Doorbell rings] - Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper!

Do you guys want to go play in my room?

The theme is "tasteful unicorn."

Thanks a lot. We'll be back in a few.

Good God.

- This place is a wonderland. - Every chair is a beanbag.

There's no chair that isn't a beanbag.

All chairs currently have beans.

Indoor trampoline?

So they can bounce when it's raining.

- [Door closes] - Will, sit down.

[Chair deflates]

What are you gonna wear on your date tonight?

- This? - Oh, God.

[Chuckles] Oh, you're serious.

Or... Or...

- [Zipping] - ...I do have another option.

Ah!

- Shorts! - [Jack cries]

Y-Your pants are making my baby cry, man!

Make it stop. Make it all stop.

Here. Oh. I know. I know.

Rock, squat, pause.

- Rock, squat, pause. - [Crying stops]

- Oh. There we go. - Oh, my God. What did you do?

It's a little something I call...

Rock, squat, pause.

- "Puss"? - No.

- "Puzz." - Rock, squat...

Listen... Rock, squat, pause.

- Puh... - "Pause." "Pause."

Oh, "pause"!

Say it with me. Rock...

- Never. - Nah, man.

What if I learn to do that

and then I haven't had sex in five years

and I'm wearing pants that zip off into shorts?

- Give me my baby. - [Jack coos]

Ah, you guys, you're right.

I-I... I'm clearly not ready, okay?

I-I say we put the brakes on the date tonight,

okay, just until after Taco Tuesday's figured out.

I want to keep that guac from browning...

No. No. Focus.

There's honestly a lot of fear that's creeping in.

Take a deep breath.

- [Exhales sharply] - You're going on this date.

[Unsure] Good. I'm excited about that.

DOUGLAS: Hey, so just making sure,

you're gonna be taking Emma and Amy tonight?

Because I'm getting together with my dermatologist pals.

Oh, Rory wanted me to ask you to come

to his dance party tonight.

Aww, what a sweetheart. Pass.

I told you, he's going through a thing.

He won't even wear his favorite leotard to school,

'cause he's scared other kids will make fun of him.

Well, of course they're gonna make fun of him.

When I was a boy,

I got beaten up for smiling at a basketball game.

All right, look. I don't know why,

but my kid likes you, okay?

And in case you haven't noticed,

he doesn't have another man in his life,

so why don't you just show up for him?

I don't dance, okay, especially with guys.

You know, I still can't wrap my head around this place.

Why does every book have to be on yoga and menopause?

Douglas... you are why we march.

Oh, God.

Yo, why do we have to do this again?

I just don't want to send him out into the world like this.

I mean, it would be a crime.

It's like leaving a baby on a doorstep

and hoping for the best.

- Miggy. - Hmm?

You can't actually do that.

- [Scoffs] I knew that. - Just checking.

I just don't want him to bomb his date

and start harassing us again about hot lunch.

This is the third pair of earmuffs I have found.

Who hurt this guy?

"Zoe, I want to hug you and give you all my gum."

That's a great start.

I've been in love with Zoe since day one of kindergarten.

Then she put those bunny ears on...

stick a fork in me, I'm done.

- It's your first love. - [Slurps]

That's a big deal. It's exciting.

You shouldn't be afraid to let your feelings out.

Exactly.

That's how I want to play it with Zoe.

Raw, open, positive.

Oh, by the way,

don't let my mom scare you about the date tonight.

She doesn't believe in love because...

my dad is kind of a garbage human.

That's good to know.

But I'm gonna cut you off on the juice boxes, 'kay, bud?

Hey, Will? Angie says I have to give you a makeover.

[Sighs] This is my Everest.

ANGIE: [In distance] Oh, my God!

♪♪

Angie, are you hurt?

Why do you have this?

Oh. [Scoffs]

Honestly, I've never seen that before in my life.

Dude, your wallet is in here

and a bag of popcorn that's still hot.

- You've used this today. - Yeah, I use it for snacks, okay?

Nobody ever tells dads what to do about snacks,

and this is a good snack holder.

It was actually my wife's... before she left.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Do you think that maybe there's a reason...

I don't know, just throwing it out there...

that this is the bag she didn't take when she left?

[Both laugh]

Do you miss her?

No.

But I miss having someone,

and not just for the bad stuff or hard stuff or whatever,

but... but for all of the good things,

like when she lost her first tooth

and when she told her first joke

and the week she demanded I called her

"Jelly Bean Teen Machine."

Nobody tells you how lonely it can be.

One time, I made a boyfriend out of a pile of laundry...

- and I rolled around in him. - [Chuckles]

It wasn't built to last.

[Both laugh]

But when you have kids, something happens to you.

- You become mush. - Mm.

But you got to hide that. That's what I tell Graham.

Otherwise, that little weirdo's gonna get his heart broken.

I-I honestly don't know

if I'm capable of hiding my mush.

I mean, you guys are lucky.

You have each other to look out for one another,

but it's just me.

Do you ever look at each other and go,

- "Ah, it takes a vill..." - Don't say it.

Just throw out the bag.

Hey. Did Angie text you her plan?

Yeah, we help him get ready for the date,

and then we never have to volunteer.

Hello, ladies.

- Hi, Dad. - Hey, Dad.

- Hey, girls. What are you doing? - Will's floor mats.

Would it kill him to shampoo them once in a while?

People don't think that kids can buff and wax,

but they're the perfect height.

Before I can commit to a blazer, ask yourself...

can this man pull off this vest?

I mean, he doesn't have the arms,

but, you know, he might have the attitude.

- No, no vest. - Vest.

- For the love of God, no vest. - Mm-hmm. Vest.

Maybe this wants to live here,

- for tonight's dance party? - I'm seeing it.

♪ Dance party ♪

- Oh, okay, please. - Forget it.

We've been trying to get him to sing and dance for years.

They're right. I-I'm sorry, kid,

but I'm not going to the party.

That's okay. Maybe next time.

[Birds chirping]

Nice, Douglas. Real nice.

- Rory, I'll wear your vest. - What?

You don't have the right torso for a vest, Mom.

Stop trying to make it happen.

- Ah, I get it, Doug. - Douglas.

Afraid to risk embarrassing yourself,

but that's the greatest part of parenting is,

it gets you out of your comfort zone.

Look, I'm not interested in leaving my comfort zone,

and I haven't been since my wife died.

- Oh, I'm so... - No, no, no, I see you want to hug me,

and I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

I can't imagine losing your best friend.

She was a 26-year-old exotic dancer.

She looked great in pants.

Ain't love a funny thing.

Anyway, I said, "Okay, I'll have kids,"

thinking I would change one diaper

and get dementia right before they hit their teens.

Instead, she dropped dead and left me with two baby girls.

The point is, I don't need any more surprises.

All right, but it's never too late to try something new.

I think it'd be good for you, Doug.

Douglas.

I think it'd be good for your girls.

You don't have to go it alone.

I can be your friend, Doug.

Douglas. It's Douglas.

And I don't need any more friends.

The only reason why any of us are here

is so we can get out of volunteering.

Wait, hold on.

Angie, is that true?

Look... [Sighs]

I told you about Jelly Bean Teen Machine.

Wait. We wanted to help you.

- I mean, we do now. - No, it's fine, honestly.

We're not friends, which is actually a good thing,

'cause now I can admit I didn't throw away the mermaid bag.

I hid it in the petticoat of Barbie B. Anthony!

DOUGLAS: A man with a mermaid bag.

I blame Obama.

I don't know how to cover up my mush.

But maybe that's not a bad thing.

Maybe you guys could actually use a little bit more mush.

Will, I will hand out tacos.

No. Don't, okay?

It's just disappointing.

I thought I'd finally found a group

that I could share this with.

- It takes a vill... - Don't say it.

It takes a vill...

- Stop! - No, no.

Well, thanks for getting me a date,

which I now have to go on.

Sophie, I'm taking you to Nana's.

It takes a village. Ha, I did it.

Dang, girl. I just love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And also you told me five minutes ago.

No, I was reading over an e-mail to Zoe.

I think it's good. Send.

- [Whoosh] - What? You sent?

You got to put yourself out there.

Will gets it. He told me to go for it.

That was a really fun dinner.

I loved when you looked up from your phone.

But it is good that you got to FaceTime with your sister.

You guys worked through so many issues.

[Door slams]

Should we make out now?

Gah.

♪♪

Mwah. Mwah. Oh, wow, this is happening.

- Take your pants off. - Get these jeans down.

There you go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, the touch of a woman.

[Exhales sharply] I love you.

[Insects chirping]

You what?

[Door slams]

Good night.

[Sighs]

Oh, my keys.

[Knocks on door] Heather, please open the door. Please let me in.

[Pounding on door] I need to come into your apartment.

I'm just a dad who says

"I love you" a thousand times a day,

and that's not a bad thing.

Hi, are you in there? I don't love you.

I'm not even sure I like you.

My keys are inside!

- [Cellphone rings] - Heather... Will Cooper.

How could you tell Graham to put himself out there?

He's gonna get hurt. Wait, why are you answering?

Aren't you supposed to be on a date?

Well, I let out my mush,

and now there's mush all over this lady's apartment,

and my keys are locked inside.

You guys were right. I can't do this.

- [Siren wails in distance] - But maybe that's a good thing,

because I actually like being single.

It's gonna give me more time to figure out

Sophie's Halloween costume.

She's going as a princess,

but I have to find my own spin on that.

Uh, are those sirens?

- [Car door closes] - Yeah, but they're not for me.

- Sir, don't move. - Oh, they are for me.

Oh... Oh, my God. Will. Will...

- Hello, officers. - Will, what's going on?

Will Cooper.

♪ That's right, hold it down ♪

- [Jack coos] - Miggy! Emergency! Get in!

Dude, tell your weird parent friends to stay away.

We got to earn respect on the sneaker line.

[Jack coos]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

So I cut off the skin tag on the green,

and I still managed to make a birdie.

- [Laughter] - Douglas.

Will's in trouble. We got to go.

- What, I-I... - I'm the only babysitter you got,

and I'm not afraid to go on strike.

♪♪

My ex, she's in the Sudan.

She's a human-rights lawyer. She's doing great work,

and... and, you know, I don't fault her for that.

I just... I-I never imagined raising a child on my own,

and I think part of me still feels like she's coming back.

Dude, she's not coming back.

♪♪

We all got left, but we're not alone.

[Gate closes]

Officers, let him go. He's not dangerous.

Look at his shoes. He's wearing Keds.

COP: His Keds are not the issue, ma'am.

But they are an issue.

Look, he didn't hurt anyone.

Let's forget about this, officers.

Go ahead. Get yourself something nice.

I know what you make.

Sir, put the money away. You, come with us.

- [Cellphone ringing] - I... I'm so sorry.

Sophie, hey.

Dad, I know I said I didn't need the song anymore, but...

Of course.

♪ I've been staring at the edge of the water ♪

♪ Long as I can remember ♪

♪ Never really knowing why ♪

♪ I wish I could be the perfect daughter ♪

♪ But I go back to the water ♪

♪ No matter how hard I try ♪

BOTH: ♪ See the line where the sky meets the sea ♪

♪ It calls me ♪

♪ And no one knows ♪

♪ How far it goes ♪

EMMA: I knew it.

- ♪ What's beyond that line? Will I cross that line? ♪ - He knows all the words.

- ♪ The line where the sky meets the sea ♪ - That beautiful bastard.

WILL: ♪ It calls me ♪

- ♪ And no one knows ♪ - Rory, would you like to dance?

- ♪ How far it goes ♪ - The answer is always yes.

- ♪ If the wind in my sail on the sea ♪ - Hey.

♪ Stays behind me ♪

- ♪ One day I'll know ♪ - You're looking so good, Rory!

- ♪ How far I'll go ♪ - Whoo!

- Go, baby! - Whoo-hoo!

[Vocalizing]

What's happening? Who are these people?

They're my village.

- No, boo. [Groaning] - You ruined it.

Dad, you've got to tighten up.

Mwah. Look at you not asking for a scarf.

Soph.

- TOGETHER: No weakness! - Yes. Ow.

- Rory. - Douglas.

BOTH: Rock, squat, pause. Rock, squat, pause.

- The... The pause is a bounce. - Oh, a bounce.

[Gasps] Guys. Zoe. She's going for Graham.

Don't let the bunny ears fool you. She's a cold-blooded killer!

Hey, hey, hey, hang on.

He's got this.

I got your e-mail.

It shook me to my core.

♪♪

She likes him.

[Gasps] That Easter freak likes my kid!

Aww, and they're sharing gum. That's huge.

- It's gross. - It is gross.

But it's... it's huge.

I told you. Mush works.

And from now on, I will eat at restaurants

- that don't give out crayons. - Whoo!

- Yeah! - I'm gonna maybe start

drinking coffee after 4:00 p.m.

- Whoo! - Sounds fine.

I am out of the vortex!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Okay.

Don't go up the slide.

- ♪ Oh, baby, please ♪ - He's a long way from sex.

I am out of the vortex!

- ♪ Give a little respect ♪ - I watched a guy get crushed by a forklift,

- but this is worse. - Word.

Third time's the charm.

- [Grunts] - ♪ To me ♪

I'm out of the vortex!