Original subtitles

- Commander Alvin takes cover.

Stranded on the alien planet with no hope of rescue,

he clutches his handy space blaster and prepares

to fight this alien head on.

Wah! Oh!

You are so [unintelligible]. Kevin!

- What? - Oh, okay, okay.

What is going on with you?

Oh, if I didn't know better, I'd

say you had a crush on someone.

- What? No, that's ridiculous. You're crazy.

- Ha! You denied it four times.

That means you're lying.

- All right, all right.

Maybe I am.

- Kevin, spit it out.

Who is it?

- Oh, I don't want to tell you.

You'll, you'll make fun of me.

- Oh, yeah, I probably will.

So if you'd just give me a hint...

- [sighs] Where to begin? She's more beautiful

than a shooting star.

She's got the biggest, most gigantic heart

in the whole world.

And she's funnier than my Uncle Bruce.

I mean, she's the full package.

Every time I try to talk to her,

I get all, uh...

- Stop doing that. Now, now, look.

This isn't difficult.

You write her a note. And, lucky for you,

I happen to be an expert at love notes.

Here we go, a little smoochie thing. Okay.

Bam, cupid perfection. Ready?

I wish that I could talk to you,

'cause you're pretty as a pearl.

But when I get around you,

I think I'm gonna hurl. How 'bout that?

- Yeah, nothing more romantic than throwing up.

Um, here, Kevin, give her this.

It's an equation that, when solved,

translates to "You complete me."

- Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, that oughta...

That oughta keep you single, Kevin.

- Uh, fine, Alvin.

Try your puke poem.

- Uh, just... just draw a heart

on a piece of paper.

That always works for me.

Just saying.

- Why can't you just hand it to her?

- Because I'd have to be next to her. [hyperventilates]

- Okay. Get it together, man!

Come on, now. Deep breaths.

Deep breaths, that's it.

Okay, everything's gonna be fine.

- She's, she's coming.

- Launch love note in three, two, one.

- Oh, I can't look.

- You've got to be kidding me.

- [gasps] What's this?

- Aw, it's a love note.

- Yeah, but for which one of us?

- Hm, and who sent it?

- Oh, ah, ah, right.

- [chuckles] That answers one question.

I'm pretty sure this note was for me.

- Or me. - Or me.

- Whatever. Look, no matter who it was for,

none of us is ready for a boyfriend.

- But we, we have to let him down gently.

It's just that I, I think of you

as a... as a friend.

- Oh, yeah, I get it.

You think I'm a weirdo.

[sobs] - No, not at all.

I'm a weirdo too!

- Kevin, please.

I know what you think of me.

I'm beautiful. I'm funny.

[laughs] I'm incredibly brilliant.

But I, I just can't be your...

- No!

- No, Kevin. Stop.

Don't do this to yourself. It's humiliating.

- [sobs] I can't live without you.

No, no, no!

- Get, get off me, Kevin.

Get, get off.

- So, listen, Kev.

I mean, between saving the elephants and soccer practice,

I'd only get to see you, like, three, maybe four minutes a day,

and you deserve better.

- KEVIN: I can't take this! I can't take it.

You're everything to me.

- Poor Kevin.

- Oh, breaking hearts is so heartbreaking [sniffles]

If only Kevin didn't find me so... I mean, us... so fabulous.

- [gasps] You guys, that's it.

What if we made sure he didn't find any of us appealing?

- [gasps] Oh, Ellie, that, that could work.

And, and nobody gets hurt.

- [bell rings]

- Well, congratulations, Alvin.

You almost look like you're thinking.

- Well, I am, and it's serious.

- Kevin's crush is one of the Chipettes.

- What? Which one? - He won't say.

But I've narrowed it down to three possibilities.

- All right, so you haven't been thinking long.

But what do you know?

- Well, he said something about her being as pretty

as his Uncle Bruce, having the heart of a shooting star,

and as funny as a bunch of wrenches.

That's not much to go on, I realize.

It could be any one of them. - Ooh, well, I,

I don't know what his Uncle Bruce looks like.

But they're all pretty, especially Jeanette.

- Well, pretty probably falls under Brittany.

- Ooh, sounds like someone cares.

- Ah, please! Don't make me laugh.

I couldn't care less. But I mean, come on.

Kevin doesn't have a chance with Brittany.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you implying he has a chance with Jeanette?

- Sounds like someone cares.

- Come on, I couldn't care less.

- Uh oh. What are you guys fighting about?

- Kevin has a crush on one of the Chipettes.

- Oh, I, I hope he doesn't like Eleanor.

I mean... I mean, not, not like I care, 'cause I don't.

- I know. None of us cares.

- But let's just follow him tomorrow anyway.

You know, for, uh, for fun.

- [in unison] Yeah, for fun.

- BRITTANY: Kevin? Kevin?

Come here. Come here and sit down.

- Oh, hey Brittany. Whazzup?

- I just thought if you're going to be my boyfriend,

we should work on your look.

- Wha... What?

- I've always wanted to cut your hair.

- No, no! My mom cuts my hair.

- Yeah, not anymore.

- Looks like Brittany likes Kevin.

- Why would you say that?

- Because she's grooming him.

- JEANETTE: Hi, Kevin!

- Wait. Wha... what's Jeanette doing?

- Let's go. Come with me.

Drink this juice and count to three.

Then I'll throw sparkles out to thee. [chants]

- Um, wait. Stop.

- Wha... wha... what? Is she out of her mind?

- Oh, it's a love chant. Is it working?

- [chants] [giggles] Are you in love with me yet?

- No! - Kevin! Wait!

- Hello! - Aah!

- Do you want to go to the dance with me? Huh?

- No. - Come over after school.

We'll practice our moves. Yeah, what's up?

- I, I really should be going.

- I'll come with you. See? See?

It's, it's fun to do things together.

- Uh, get off!

- Did you miss me? - No!

- Uh! - Hi.

- THE CHIPETTES [singing] ♪ Hey, would you notice ♪

♪ If I called your name ♪

♪ Or every day would you ♪

♪ Know me just the same ♪

♪ You never notice how ♪

♪ I look at you ♪

♪ So going crazy ♪

♪ Is the only thing to do ♪

♪ But things are going so well ♪

♪ So I can't tell you how I feel ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ I got a crush ♪

♪ That's what it's gotta be ♪

♪ I've had enough ♪

♪ When will you notice me ♪

♪ [unintelligible] it's what I want you to see ♪

♪ Don't know what to say ♪ ♪ So I'll walk away ♪

♪ But I got a crush ♪

♪ I got a crush ♪

♪ That's what it's gotta be ♪

♪ I've had enough ♪

♪ When will you notice me ♪ - [screams]

- Uh, nothing makes sense anymore.

- I can't figure out what they see in him.

- Oh, my stomach hurts.

- What's he got that we don't?

- Guys, I gotta hide! They're after me.

- Kevin, did you really think you could hide from me?

You silly goose. - He's mine.

- No, he's mine!

- Stop it!

- Kevin? Kevin? You know what?

No more beating around the bush. Which one is it?

- Well, it, uh... It, it wasn't for any of you.

- See? I told you it was me. Wait, what?

- Oh. Okay, okay. Uh, back up, buddy.

I was there, remember? You threw the paper plane.

It landed at their feet. These eyes don't lie.

- No, no. If you remember...

it was supposed to be for Pamela.

- ALVIN: Pamela G?

- KEVIN: No, Pamela D.

She was... she was right behind the girls.

I, I tried to tell you all, but, but when I saw Pamela, I,

I panicked and I ran.

- [in unison] Oh.

- [giggles] Oh, that's such a relief.

I, I mean, no offense.

It's just, you're not our type.

- But I bet you're Pamela's.

- Yeah, doubt it.

- So, you guys don't like Kevin?

- Uh, no.

We were just acting crazy so he would stop liking us.

- Yeah, which apparently he didn't. So awkward.

- Why? Do you guys care? - No.

- No. - Not me.

- Not me. Not at all.

- [laughs] We just wanted to help our friend.

- [gasps] Maybe we still can.

- I, I, I hope you don't mind

my asking, but, um, wh... wh... Where exactly are we going?

- Oh, you know, just for a nice little stroll.

- Exactly. Just, you know,

four girlfriends hanging out. Nothing else planned.

- A walk in the park will cheer you up.

- Meow.

- Yeah, not really helping.

- [laughs] What a, a coincidence.

I think that's Pamela over there.

- [gasps] What?!

[hyperventilates]

- Why, look. Isn't that Kevin over there?

- Yeah, the guy with his head in the bag?

- Oh, let's say hi.

- No. No, I, I can't.

Really, guys, I get really nervous.

And, and then I end up talking gibberish.

I'm, I'm really awkward. I, I can't even say hi.

- Don't worry. We'll help you.

- Table for two?

- Oh. - Uh. Uh.

- Uh.

- [speaks gibberish]

- Kevin, Pamela says hi. So good to see you.

- [speaks gibberish]

- Kevin says thank you and hopes you enjoy the meal.

- Dinner is served.

- [speaks gibberish]

- [laughs] He, he's saying help yourself, Pamela.

- Oh, whoops. I'm sorry.

- Pamela says thank you.

- KEVIN: Oh, my mom makes a really good pasta.

- Oh.

- And, and a pretty good sandwich, too.

- You know, I really thought he liked one of us.

- Yeah, we did too.

- [stutters] You know, not like we cares.

Right, Simon? - [laughs] No, no, no.

We didn't care. Right, Theodore?

- Oh, right, right.

No, we didn't care.

Well, I mean, why, why should we?

- Yeah, why would we?

- Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't.