Original subtitles

Here's what you missed last week on Shameless...

Where are you getting all this money?

Next.

"Alibi voted Best Shittiest Bar on the South Side."

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I've never been the best at anything.

Here's to the shittiest bar on the South Side!

-(ALL CHEERING) - Yes!

Fiona. You don't wanna have yours, that's fine.

If you love me, you will support my decision on having this baby...

(SOBBING) 'Cause no else does.

We made mistakes.

Mine wasn't a mistake. I did this on purpose.

Because I know what I want.

If you have this baby, I will not support you.

I'm taking care of this once and for all.

Are you sure you cut the right cable?

Yes! There's only two cables. Throttle cable and the...

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

The brake cable.

Frank? What the hell is going on?

This is Jorge Mendoza and his clan.

What are they doing in our yard?

I rented it to them.

If we let you take the house... Will you rent it to us?

Sure. Call it 1,800 a month. First, last and deposit.

- Kidding me? -(CHUCKLES)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey! You okay?

Can you tell me your name, sir?

(THEME some)

Surprise! It's me again, cousin Fiona,

hoping you can explain the eviction notice

from the sheriff's department.

'Cause we do pay our rent.

So if you can call us back when you have a minute,

that would be swell. Thanks, Patrick.

Seventy-two hours to vacate the premises.

What happened to our flour?

Debbie used it as an imaginary baby.

Yo. Chef Boyardee, any chance you can help Fiona deal with Patrick?

- No. Working later. What about cinnamon? - Huh?

- I'm baking cookies. - Why?

For the firehouse. I think they deserve our support.

And today is the day to thank them?

I bet the Hondurans have flour.

You know, we got into some shit at school.

I think he's pissed at me.

Please, he's been angry with me for weeks.

You get a hold of your cousin?

Gonna have to get in his face.

Well, I'll drive you.

You don't have to get involved.

I know.

Hey, you sure you don't need me?

No. Go on your trip, we have it handled.

Okay.

Lip's professor is taking him to an academic conference.

It's for fun.

She teaches Critical Theory, nothing to do with engineering.

It'll look good on your transcript, a conference on whatever.

Uh, the Origin of Feminist Rhetoric in Postwar Europe.

You need help with that, call me.

Got it. Do we have any baking soda?

(SCOFFS) Guess not.

As a woman who's months from bringing a child into this world,

you require a nest.

And since we're getting kicked out of our house...

You think that's actually happening?

The sheriff's department doesn't mess around.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, well, Fiona already said

if I have the baby, she's throwing me out.

So I don't even care if we lose the house.

I'm just gonna get a part-time job, and save up money for my own place.

Ready?

No. No, no, no, listen to me.

Even with welfare,

no way you pull down the kind of dough you'll need.

There's diapers and onesies

and the little jars with pureed veggies.

And God forbid the kid gets sick,

with what these pharmaceutical companies are demanding

for a goddamn cough drop?

And there's no way boys your age can support you,

they're spending their allowance on poppers and Internet porn.

No, what you need is an older--

Gel may be a little cold.

You need a, a father figure, like you had with me.

Only with money.

And the good news is there's lots of lonely men.

And they'll know you put out. That's a plus.

-(HEARTBEAT POUNDING) - Heartbeat.

Oh, my God. Look at its face.

Uh. Wrong end. The face is there.

That's my baby.

(DOCTOR CHUCKLES)

Hello, little Gallagher.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Yo, Dom. Got you a little something.

Ugh. Okay, don't be getting me shit.

Come on, girl, I dropped bank. You don't wanna see?

Mink.

- You steal it? - Got the receipt.

(STAMMERS) Thanks, but I really don't need it.

- Gonna be cold soon. -(CAR HORN HONKING)

A friend's mom is giving me a ride. I gotta go.

- Let me walk you. - No. Too far to walk. Bye.

Hey, Patrick. Thanks for not calling me back!

Who's this?

Sean. How you doing?

I'm curious what you told the sheriff to get us evicted.

Oh. That-- that's not about you.

I took a loan out against the house for 60 grand,

didn't pay it back, so...

Dorset Bank foreclosed.

Well, can't you work something out?

Why?

I get 500 bucks in rent, usually late,

from cousins who want to frame me as a child molester.

Or I pocket 60 large and call it a day.

You know, I got myself a Jet Ski. Season tickets to the Blackhawks!

- How's your credit? - Credit was in the shitter, anyway!

(LAUGHS) Thanks for asking.

Look, the house is a dump,

but it's been in our family for generations.

And it means a lot to all of us.

Fuck that house.

And fuck your con-artist, deadbeat family.

Hey, now, don't be waving the hammer around.

I don't wanna have to take it from you.

(POUNDING)

That, I'd like to see.

Is that right?

Let's go.

(LAUGHING)

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Yeah!

Hey, what's up? I'll see you guys inside.

The hell is everyone?

SVETLANA: Regulars stop coming because it's hipster bar now, they think.

Well, then where are all the hipsters?

Maybe it's some yuppie holiday. Earth Day or Yom Kippur or something.

L just had three topknots right behind me,

I thought they were gonna come in. What's that?

Tapas.

Say it without an accent.

- Tapas. - Didn't help.

Spanish food on small plates.

Svetlana said there's a place on 19th Street,

customers go crazy for this shit.

- Jesus, it smells like-- - Octopus.

Don't fuck with me.

I no fucking you. Octopus salad is kind of tapas.

You see, this is the problem with hipsters.

It's like buying an exotic animal from a pet store.

Who knows what they eat?

(SIGHS)

The hipsters are gonna come back, right?

Yeah.

We'll have 'em eating octopus out of our hand.

Yeah, I hope so.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, I'm looking for a firefighter.

But I don't know his name.

Regarding?

I was on the Central Ave Bridge on Tuesday and he saved my life.

Tuesday? You want the Hose Pullers.

The what?

Flamers. The gay firemen. They're all on one shift.

Really?

Chicago Fire Island.

So, when's the next gay shift?

7:00 a.m. tomorrow.

Those snickerdoodles?

WOMAN: (ON PA) McKinley, line two, you've got a call. McKinley, line two.

- FRANK: You know, I grew up in this house. -(METAL CREAKING)

Raised all my kids here, too.

Hey, Debbie! Could you come down, please?

There's someone I want you to meet.

Uh, Eugene, this is my daughter, Deborah.

What's going on?

Sit. Sit, sit, sit.

Don't trip over his oxygen compressor.

Hello, Deborah.

(CHUCKLES)

Hi.

So, how do you two, uh...

I spend time in the oncology ward at the hospital,

giving comfort and moral support to those in need.

Me and Eugene just hit it off.

Do the... The bit from that movie.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen.

"I am a HAL 9000 computer."

(LAUGHING)

Well...

I'll let you two get acquainted.

Wait, what?

My second wife was a redhead.

(CHUCKLES)

Would you excuse me?

Tell me you're not setting me up with him.

Shush up. He lost his voice, not his hearing.

Are you insane?

You need someone to take care of you.

He's got terminal cancer

and a two-bedroom apartment on rent control.

And a mint-condition '64 Pontiac. It's a classic.

He's dying?

Exactly. He'll be around for a couple of months, a year, tops.

And then we hold onto the two-bedroom rent-control.

No! I don't need a man. I can take care of my baby on my own.

And if I do find someone, he won't be an old, dying robot.

It's a no-go.

Used to love the smell of bacon, till I got knocked up.

Morning sickness?

I was helping Cindy bring food to a table,

I nearly puked on the plate.

Only two more days till the appointment.

Unless you wanna punch me in the stomach and get it over with.

- Are we joking about this? - Trying.

Whoa-oh.

Hey, about the house, you're not giving up.

Not seeing too many options.

Well, we can't make Patrick pay the bank.

But he only borrowed 60 grand,

that's not a very big monthly payment.

So?

So we take over the mortgage.

Could we do that?

SEAN: Maybe.

Who do we ask?

Well, the guy that runs the accounts here, at Dorset Bank.

We could swing by, talk to him.

Thank you.

I'm a naturally helpful person.

-(SCOFFS) Must be tiring. - It is. Utterly exhausting.

(SIZZLING)

Bacon.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Go Colts!

I hate the Colts.

Hockey?

Not a sports person?

I did synchronized swimming at Sarah Lawrence.

What's that?

Bunch of girls swimming together upside-down and...

Well, it's a lot harder than it sounds.

It's like a Busby Berkeley musical, only wet.

Who's Busby Berkeley?

MGM? No?

Welcome to the Indianapolis Golden Marquis Hotel.

- Can I help you with your bags? - Please.

Yeah.

CARL: Some high-end shit.

Carbon fiber frame, mag wheels, all customized.

Check it out.

This one.

Man, that one's cold.

No.

This one.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Hey, yo, after we get this bike, how about we buy a motherfucking car?

Robes and slippers in the closet.

Toilet's equipped with a heated seat and a bidet.

A bidet. Ever use one?

Yeah. In my vacation home in The Bahamas.

Anything else?

No. Thank you.

Ten bucks?

We're meeting people in an hour.

I'm gonna shower. You can join if you want.

Yeah, I'm in.

Are you nervous about tomorrow?

Excited.

You know, I've been working on this for three years, so...

Now I get to show off.

"With the publication in 1949 of her seminal text, Second Sex,

"Simone de Beauvoir redefined the semiotics of femininity

"throughout the Western world.

"What is not explored

"is the relationship between her loss of faith

"and subsequent revolutionary views."

Wow.

It's really turning me on. If that's what you were going for.

I didn't know that you found the topic so arousing.

Me, neither.

Well, there's tertiary evidence

that the prestigious convent school that de Beauvoir attended

is in fact the missing link between her early religiosity

-and subsequent radicalization. (CHUCKLES) -(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Okay. Thanks for your help.

There's no way for you to assume the loan.

The house is scheduled to go up for auction in two days.

(SCOFFS) Well, that's that.

The auction public?

I assume.

So, buy it there.

(SCOFFS) Right.

- How does it work? - Highest bidder gets the house.

- So it's a bunch of bottom-feeders, right? -(CHUCKLES)

Looking for a great deal.

Bank only needs 60 grand and they get their money back.

It's a shithole, that house.

You put an offer on it and I bet it's yours.

You think I have 60 grand?

Well, apply for a mortgage.

Me?

Well, you're an assistant manager at a reputable place of business.

You have stable income. You ran her credit?

Uh, about that...

Here we go.

No, it's not bad or good. You have a credit score of zero.

You've never owned a credit card or leased a car?

No.

(CHUCKLES) Amazing.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, you can open up a credit card account.

Take an advance of $1 ,000, pay it back tomorrow,

and you're an excellent credit risk.

You're saying that I have to borrow money

in order to borrow more money?

Government-backed FHA mortgage loans are reasonable.

Hold on. Hold on. I can get a loan?

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: A very big serve from Mikaela Brown, here.

She has one of the most powerful

-right-hands in the game. - Mm.

YANIS: Kev!

And they're gonna switch sides...

Yes.

YANIS: Hey, Kev!

Kev! Hey, I see you!

Come on, man. Kev, come on!

Hey, I need a favor.

Ask me from there, I got to listen for the babies.

No,no,no,no. I can't yell this, okay? It's...

Kevin, it's personal.

You see these legs?

I used to press 900 pounds with these legs.

Now I drag 'em around like limp sausage.

And that yuppie lawyer scum who did this to me,

he lives right around the block.

- Really sucks. - Help me kill him.

What?

And his family. I'm gonna set his house on fire.

- No. - Yes, lam.

- Hell, no! - Yes, lam.

You do that, they're gonna send you away for a long-ass time.

Look, Kevin, I've thought about this, okay?

And I think about how I will feel when that house is on fire,

the lawyer comes runnin' out, okay?

His kids, they come runnin' out,

their hair on fire and clothes on fire... (SCREAMING)

- I'm on fire! -(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.

It'll be worth it, it'll be worth it.

Okay.

I'm tellin' ya.

No one's gonna burn anyone, all right? Go home.

Come on!

And take your pain meds, think happy thoughts. (INHALES) Breathe.

- Yeah, all right, all right. - I gotta go.

Okay, fine.

Hey. Kev, you want...

You wanna come over later and watch The Voice?

You wanna... You like The Voice?

No? I got frozen pizza.

Check this out.

And she goes, "No! No, no, no."

Okay, so, we went to the bank

and the house is being sold at auction.

But there's a chance that we could buy it.

So, for the first time, ever, it would be our house.

Not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.

How?

Sean's got a guy at the bank

who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.

- Dollars? - I know.

Holy shit! Someone's willing to give us 100 grand?

Yeah.

Why didn't we do this years ago?

The bank doesn't just give you money.

They actually buy the house and let you live in it

until you pay back the loan. With interest.

Or not.

We need a down payment of $3,500.

And we need it, like, now.

I got a couple hundred.

Okay. We could pawn the TV.

- You'll get 50 bucks. - We're brainstorming.

Three and half Gs? Shit. I got you covered.

What do you want? You want hundies or small bills?

You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?

Right.

- No. - What, you don't believe me?

No, I believe you. I just don't want the state seizing our house

'cause we bought it with drug money,

or whatever it is that you're into lately.

Let's not be hasty.

You are not part of this conversation, Frank.

This was my house long before any of you had claim to it.

Not legally, but every other way.

The point is, we're Gallaghers. If Carl wants to step up--

No.

Why do you get the last word?

If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it,

then take Carl's money.

But otherwise, we'll find another way.

I'll just spend it on my ride.

If you want us, we'll be upstairs. Come on, Nick.

Carl? A word... If you would, son?

(SCOFFS)

I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting.

You make all the decisions, anyway.

Carl? Hey, hey. Hey, um...

(STAMMERS)

(LAUGHS) On behalf of all of us, I want to acknowledge your generosity.

The fact that you've reached this level of success

in your chosen field--

How much do you need?

Forty.

-(SIGHING) - Sixty. If it's not a problem.

A bill, even.

You've come a long way, son.

It warms my heart to know that at least one Gallagher

has lived up to his genetic potential.

When you were six, I... One...

(SLAMS)

You get why I don't wanna take Carl's money, right?

It's like saying that it's cool that he's a criminal.

Like we've given up on him.

- I get it. -(SIGHS)

You're giving me that look.

Like you're gonna try to give me some really wise, meaningful advice.

Are your boobs bigger?

(CHUCKLING) That's what you were thinking?

They are, right?

Well, enjoy 'em while you can.

I'm gonna have to reschedule the abortion till after the auction.

About that deposit.

You know, I do have some savings I could kick in.

No, no, no. Thank you. It's a Gallagher thing.

Well, you lose the house, it's gonna be somebody else's thing.

So, where's that money coming from?

I have an idea, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, yet.

I'll let you know when I decide.

Savings, huh?

Literally hundreds of dollars.

(GIGGLING)

You fucking gold digger.

Hey, which button is it?

Says "bidet."

Right.

(GROANS)

Okay.

Ow. Whoa.

- Holy shit! - You like it?

It's a new sensation.

Ow.

(CHUCKLING) In a good way?

I'm not sure.

-(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Ah.

Love a man with a clean ass.

Yeah.

Your sister's calling.

Shit.

Hey, I've been trying you since last night.

Sorry, I got your messages,

I've just been doing this paperwork for the pre-certified loan,

which might as well be in Swahili.

Yeah, you still need the down payment, right.

Look I got 280 bucks in the light fixture in my dorm room,

I'll have Ian go grab it, okay?

Thanks.

I'm sorry it's not more.

Listen, you need help with the paperwork or anything?

Uh, no, it's my info they want. How's it going there?

It's pretty swanky.

Swanky is good. I should go, I'll text if there's news.

- All right. Bye. - Bye.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) - IAN: Fiona.

- Yeah? - You're not gonna believe this.

Holy shit.

Hi, Aunt Fiona.

- Fiona Gallagher? - Uh-huh.

I'm Lysa, with Juvenile Detention Services.

Charles is your nephew, correct?

I forgot about the swastika.

This is listed as his address.

His mom is incarcerated,

and we have no other family on record.

Could I...

Not to sound harsh, but there's gotta be somewhere else he can go.

Eventually, we'll find him a foster home,

but that could take a while.

And there's a lot of minorities in the state facility.

Not sure how long he'll survive.

Fuck no.

He can stay here until we find another relative.

Any relatives.

Need you to sign to confirm that you're a legal adult,

that this is a drug-free household, that you will maintain--

Hold on.

(BLOWS)

Much better.

I'm hungry-

Ian, would you get your Nazi nephew some breakfast?

If you let the cracker stay, bitch gonna get a shiv in his neck.

Right here.

New rules.

No shivs in Chuckie's neck, and no race wars...

In the house. Got it?

(BLOWS)

No one should face death alone, am I right?

Excuse me?

Staring into that terrifying abyss

without the warmth of another human being?

Sure, we have medical professionals, but I'm talking about intimacy.

The kind of support you-- Well, I'll just say it...

You get from a good woman.

What kind of cancer you got?

Oh. No, I'm just here for my wife.

She's in getting radiation. Hey, George, let her go.

You're not wearing a wedding ring.

Uh, yeah, I broke my finger a few years ago.

Since then, I have--

That's just fascinating.

So, your wife's getting radiation. You mind if I ask how far along...

Stage three breast cancer.

Tsk. Stage three. That's tough.

How about you?

Oh, I'm not sick at the moment. Frank Gallagher, Cancer Concierge.

I smooth the way for patients with serious diagnoses.

And I know how hard it can be on the spouses.

You got help with the kids?

What?

You know, a family to share the load, a granny or two?

Ah. No, they're all back in Nebraska.

Paid help? Nanny, whatever? Anything?

Can't afford it. But we're managing.

Mm. And you're doing a great job.

(SIGHS)

Still. You gotta think of the kids.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You don't think he means it?

No.

I mean, he wouldn't light the guy's house on fire. That's insane!

It is.

Yanis talks shit all the time.

Said he was gonna kill the Lisas.

He told Mr. Ryland

that he was gonna cut his balls off and hang them from the rear-view

like fuzzy dice.

(LAUGHS) He didn't do that.

No.

But he did once tell me--

Kevin, it is bad enough that you talked to that Greek psycho,

but now you gonna make me relive it?

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Just reassure me.

I did, like, 20 times.

- We all talk shit... - Yeah.

But most people, even the crazy Greek ones, don't follow through.

Where you going?

Other job.

What other 'gob'?

Public Restroom.

It's not restroom.

New place, 19th Street. Very popular.

You're two-timing us with another bar?

Not bar. Speakeasy.

Hipster for "bar."

You know, I'm thinking I should take you to meet owner, Georgia.

She's big success. Maybe learn how to bring people into place.

We know how to run our own bar.

(CHUCKLES)

Look around, Kevin, there's no one here.

You did say the hipsters were gonna come back.

Can you introduce us to this lady?

Come tonight, I text you address.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kermit.

Who's getting topless?

Svetlana said.

Not "topless." Tapas.

I still hear "topless."

Kermit, pull up a stool. Have something to eat.

What? Octopus doesn't go bad.

Says who?

Uh. No, thanks. Good seeing you guys.

- Flash him. - What?

He's, like, our second customer in three days. Flash him.

Kev, I am not flashing someone every time something goes wrong.

Strange little bald man.

Sit down, get a drink.

I'll have a beer.

Hey, I just wanted to...

I mean, you pretty much saved my life. Cookies?

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, where was this?

Central Ave Bridge.

The redhead. That's right.

Yeah, you'd have pulled through, anyway.

But I'm glad I could help. I'm Jason.

Good meeting you.

You want a smoothie?

-(BLENDERS WHIRRING) -IAN: Uh.

Hey, guys, this is Ian.

That's JR, Stubbs, Adam, Caleb,

Hollywood, and that's Damian.

And that's Bart.

(IAN CHUCKLES)

- That you? - Yeah.

With my husband, Phil, and our two kids.

Nice.

CALEB: Hey, what's your name, again?

Ian. Thanks.

When Caleb's not here, he's in his sculpture studio.

He made that one right there.

Awesome.

So, what do you do?

I guess I'm a janitor.

Ooh. I had that gig. Sucked! (CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah.

You ever let anyone visit your studio?

I would, if anyone cared. It's right by the airport.

(BELL RINGING)

WOMAN: (ON PA) Attention. Station Twelve.

Section One response.

On the Airline Bridge.

Response command at airport.

(TRUCK ENGINE IGNITION)

(SIREN WAILING)

(HORN HONKING)

Looks interesting.

HELENE: You think?

With the publication in 1949 of her seminal text,

The Second Sex,

Simone de Beauvoir redefined the semiotics of femininity

throughout the Western world.

What has not been explored

is the relationship between her loss of faith

and subsequent revolutionary views.

Sister Lilianne-Marie Montreaux was a nun at the convent school

that de Beauvoir attended.

And it was Montreaux

who helped Simone grapple with the theories that eventually--

I'm sorry.

HELENE: Yes?

Are you saying Montreaux was a formative influence?

Without taking credit away from de Beauvoir,

yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

But you've read the letters?

We don't have any surviving correspondence between them.

But I've done extensive research on their time--

Sorry, we do have letters.

I'd be aware.

Discovered a few weeks ago by an estate trustee.

We have them at Loyola.

Judge for yourself,

but I think they prove the opposite of what you're asserting.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

I look forward to reading them.

In the meantime,

we have at least tertiary evidence that Montreaux inspired--

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be an asshole, here.

Yes.

It's in the letters. Montreaux had a very narrow worldview,

specifically regarding acceptance of patriarchal realities.

Really?

If anything,

the reconceived semiotics of The Second Sex

were formulated later,

in opposition to a colleague

whose work reinforced traditional gender binaries.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

Anything else?

Okay, so...

VERONICA: I only got an hour.

Then I gotta meet Svetlana to check out the competition.

- Which is? - Public Restroom.

That's what it's called. And they serve tapas.

I mean, who goes to a place called Restroom

and is like, "You know what? I think I wanna order some food."

Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm here. Sure.

Thank you so much for all your help, Peter.

I'll let you know how it goes.

- Holy shit! - It came through?

Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $100,000.

Did those bankers not learn anything from that mortgage crisis bullshit?

I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?

Totally. And thank God for Sean.

He was the one who pushed me to get this loan.

(CHUCKLES) He's like Superman, except for the whole junkie thing.

Does he know about Gus's ring?

Well, he knows that it exists, but not that I'm pawning it.

Let's see.

(SIGHS)

You know, I've been trying to, like, get angry at Gus,

thinking about that bitchy song that he wrote about me, but...

Any way you look at it, this is shitty.

Belonged to his grandmama?

Yeah, his dead grandma.

And there's some story...

Like, she survived the Holocaust with it in her cooch?

- What? - Yeah, it's something intense.

Well, you should get extra for dead Grandma's cooch ring.

I had it appraised. The guy said it's worth $7,000.

Seven...

- Seven grand? Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

Fuck Gus's dead grandmama. Go on and buy your house.

- Yo. What are you doing? - Helping Uncle Nick.

Don't call him that. Get the fuck out of here.

(GROANING)

He's a white supremacist Nazi. You remember that!

He don't know shit.

I went to the DMV. I'm not old enough to get my license, but you are, so...

I got these for you to study up on the test.

We can score wheels, pick up shorty after soccer practice.

Pull up and she'll be like, "Damn!"

Don't want to take a test. I just want my bike.

Man, what's with you and this bike, anyway?

When I was nine years old, other kids had bikes.

I told my pops I wanted one, he beat on me.

But I got the money.

Took me a year. I got it.

A bike just like this one.

Had it for one day before Pops traded it for a rock.

Shit.

They lock me up for what I did to him.

When I'm inside, they ask me, "You homesick?"

I say, "No. I just want my bike."

(PAWNBROKER HUMMING)

Nineteen hundred.

It's worth seven grand.

I'm offering 1,900.

Six grand.

1,900.

Fuck kind of negotiation is that?

Then I'm leaving.

- Aren't we leaving? - Nah, I'm bluffing.

Well, tell him about grandma's cooch.

Four grand. Final offer, take it or leave it.

1,900.

Shit.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Go away. I said go away.

And I would do that, only this is time-sensitive.

A lead on potential employment for you.

I don't need it.

What's that? "Dog walker."

Well, once you get established, it's steady work.

Sure...

But, you know, it's gonna be winter before you have this kid.

You don't want to be eight months pregnant,

freezing your ass off

while half a dozen mutts drag you sideways across the ice.

That's a genuine risk to your unborn child.

Ugh.

So what employment are you talking about?

Working as a nanny for a very nice family.

It's flexible hours.

Plus, it's working with kids! It's great practice.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

This is me showing love and concern for my soon-to-be grandchild.

Come on. What do you say? They want to meet tomorrow morning.

(GROANS)

(HELENE GIGGLING)

There you go.

I'm good, I'm good.

Oh...

Why do they put mirrors in elevators?

To make you feel less closed-in, I guess.

Easy. Careful, all right?

Come on. Let's fuck and watch ourselves in the mirror.

We got thirty seconds, but I can try and be quick.

(CONTINUES GIGGLING)

(GRUNTS)

Fuck.

(ALARM BUZZING)

LIP: Don't play with the buttons, all right?

Fine. Come on.

Why don't we wait, wait till we get back to the hotel room, huh?

(HELENE LAUGHING)

Hey! Hey, be careful!

Stop it!

They don't mind. You don't mind, do you?

And when do you get this kind of excitement in Indianapolis...

- Hey. - Am I right?

Did we meet at the conference? Helene Runyon.

- Hi. (LAUGHING) - Hey, easy!

Is this, like, the employee entrance?

No. It's... Creative concept.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Flush.

(TOILET FLUSH)

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Those guys used to come to the Alibi!

Yes. It's new hot place.

Fifteen bucks a drink.

- Two choices. - Number One and Number Two?

Georgia! It's my friend. She love the place.

Yes, I'm a big fan.

I go work now.

Rude and hard to understand. She's irreplaceable.

So, how do you get all these people to come here? You advertise?

Advertise? That's the kiss of death.

So, it's word of mouth?

What do we all want? To be in on a secret, right?

I try to make these venues as hard to find as possible.

All black. No signs. No lights.

So, say a newspaper wrote you were, I don't know,

the Best Shittiest Bar on the South Side--

- Like the Alibi Room. - You know the Alibi?

Oh. That place was like a gold mine.

So much potential. Till they hung that banner.

So, if the Alibi took down the banner...

Oh. No, there's no coming back from that. Chris! Excuse me.

So, you got the loan,

but you're a few bucks short on the deposit.

(SIGHS) Lip and Ian had 450. I had two saved.

No way I'm taking Carl's cartel money.

Debbie's saving up for Baby Huey, so...

I pawned the engagement ring that Gus gave me.

Because I'm a horrible person.

What'd you get for it?

(SIGHS) Nineteen hundred. Still 950 short.

Nine... That's so weird.

L just happen to have $950 burning a hole in my pocket.

- Really? -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah. Come on.

Mm.

(SEAN LAUGHING)

Thanks. This is a loan.

Yeah, you're damn right, it's a loan.

What if we don't get the house?

Ah. You'll figure it out.

Kids are older than last time this happened.

"Last time"?

Well, we've never been in foreclosure before,

'cause Frank's never owned anything in his life, but...

On the street with these kids?

The first time, I was, like, 10.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Well, like you said, you're... You're older now.

I'd have to split 'em up.

Debbie and Carl still aren't ready to be on their own, and...

I gotta keep an eye on Ian.

Worst case scenario, I'll just move in with you.

Relax, I was just kidding. (CHUCKLING)

God, you look like you got stung by a bee.

No, I was imagining what it would look like,

me and you living together.

In a good way, just thinking it through.

I'm hungry. You want anything?

-(RETCHING) - LIP: (SOFTLY) All right.

(HELENE COUGHING)

(GROANING)

Sexy, huh? (SCOFFS)

Just don't hit the bidet button, there.

Mmm.

Oh. Sorry. (SIGHS) You were hoping to get laid.

Nah.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh.

My book is toast.

I was humiliated in front of my peers

-by a gay Jesuit. -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

It's great the guys study feminism, it's...

You know, it shouldn't make it worse, that it was a guy. But it does.

Tsk. You know, you might wanna wait till you're sober...

Before you start to assess your life.

Am I a cliché?

What?

You know, Mrs. Robinson, chasing young guys. (CHUCKLING)

Well, Mrs. Robinson was hot, so it's not a bad thing.

And no, you're not a cliché.

One day...

- Someday... - Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be with a girl your age.

And you're gonna tell her about the older woman.

Who taught you about wine and hotels.

- And bidets... -(CHUCKLING)

- Bellhop thought we were married. - Did he?

Mm.

Is that so crazy?

When you and I got together, I was looking for a fling.

(SOFTLY) But this is different.

It's so much more than that. You know?

Yeah.

-(GROANS) on, God. - Shit.

(RETCHING)

(KNOCKING)

FRANK: Smile! Come on, come on!

Hi! You must be Erica, wonderful to meet you.

I'm Frank. This is Debbie. Did Tyler mention--

Yeah. You're here to interview as the nanny.

Uh, yeah. Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Hi. Uh, well, we could use one.

But I'm not feeling well and Tyler's running late,

so you can wait for him inside.

She's sick?

It's very sad. But it's a nice enough house, right?

(EXHALES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(HELENE SNIFFLING)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

I thought I'd let you sleep.

How you feeling?

Can a person overdose on aspirin?

(CHUCKLES)

I threw up in a toilet bidet. Might be a new low.

Oh, well, the paramedics weren't called,

so it's better than your average night in my house growing up.

(CHUCKLES)

I vaguely recall an extremely earnest conversation.

Sorry if I was a bore.

No, no, it wasn't boring. Actually...

There's nothing like a bottle of wine and a couple Martini chasers...

(CHUCKLES) To get me talking nonsense, so...

Do me a favor, pretend it never happened.

We'll just put this weekend behind us.

Okay?

I'll check us out.

Do you and your mother need a taxi?

- What? - The lady.

No. No, thanks.

CARL: Hey, what's up, beautiful?

Heading home, right? You want to ride in style?

(SCOFFS) Not really.

This is yours.

- Got the receipt? - Yeah.

At least ride it home while you think about it.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)

Don't ride too close.

Since I've been sick, I haven't been much use around here.

Tyler's had his hands full.

There's no shame in having help, under the circumstances.

And Debbie loves working with children.

In fact, she's looking forward to having kids of her own,

so this would be great practice.

You seem a little young.

- She's 18. - I'm 18.

I'm afraid I have to lie down. Um, like I said, Tyler will be back soon.

- Okay. - Can we help?

Oh, no. Thanks, sweetheart.

I can make it. It was nice to meet you.

Yes.

(DOOR CLOSING)

And, voilà. Guest room.

Little small, but I think I can make it work.

You'?

Why would you be staying in their guest room?

Working dishwasher.

Name-brand cereal, none of that generic crap.

An ideal place for us to raise the kid.

Wait till you meet the husband, then you can thank me.

Wait.

You're setting me up with a dying woman's husband?

They're married!

- Not for long. - Frank!

You're gonna be a godsend to this family.

The father's going to be sick with grief.

He'll need a shoulder to lean on, and then to sleep on.

Ugh. I'm leaving.

See the backyard?

Swing set, trampoline.

It's like a playground, but without a pedophile.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, I'm late.

- Deb? - Hi.

Uh, guys, there's someone I want you to meet. Hello?

She's sleeping.

I'm sorry, the kids are off somewhere.

That's okay. (CHUCKLING)

Uh. Just let me deal with these groceries.

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, can I help?

Yeah. That'd be great, thanks.

Drop that up there.

Ten minutes, Alex will cover and then we go, okay?

Yep.

Um, listen. If you don't get the house, you can come stay at my place.

Will's coming next weekend, so if you're okay with that--

You've been great. Really. I'll find a place to crash.

Not with me?

Let's just wait until we're ready, instead of being forced into it.

Do you feel forced? I don't.

You have your doubts, which I get.

You mean last night when you brought it up?

I told you, you were reading that wrong.

I don't think so.

When me and my ex moved in together,

there was stuff she didn't know about me.

Created problems later.

My NA sponsor thinks

I should be more up-front with you if things get serious with us.

You mentioned living together, that's what went through my mind.

What don't I know?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

We can hash through all that. Right now, we should go.

- We should, we should-- - No,no,no.

- You're an addict. - Yeah.

If there's more to say before we shack up, spit it out.

'Cause in an hour, I might be homeless.

- You want to do this now? - Right.

- Now? - Right.

(CHUCKLES)

Really building it up.

Okay.

Um.

Yeah. I, uh, went to prison in my 20s.

- I figured... - Yeah.

With all the ex-cons you hire.

- For drugs. - Yeah.

And I killed a guy.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

I'm not joking.

I was drunk and high, I'm sleeping in a van.

I get in a fight with another junkie over...

Damn, I don't know what.

Fuck.

Uh, he went down, I kept beating him.

I guess his head hit the curb or something.

He went to the hospital, and later, he died.

It was a long time ago.

But it's something I live with. And I should have mentioned it.

(SOFTLY) Yeah.

Anything else?

Heroin, killed a guy... No, that's all that comes to mind.

Okay.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

Finish up on the floor, and we'll go.

Yeah, I didn't wanna--

Finish up and we'll go.

KEV: Yanis! Hey, brother!

Going for a stroll? Going pretty fast, there.

You know where I'm going.

Oh, God.

You gonna help me?

If not, you might as well get lost. You're drawing attention.

I'm begging you, please, turn around. Oh, God damn it.

Good-bye, lawyer shit!

You turned Yanis into a cripple!

Now you and your shit wife and your shit kids

are gonna die in a lawyer-shit bonfire!

No,no,no!

He didn't cut the cable to your motorcycle! I did.

But I meant to cut the throttle

so you would stop revving your engine.

I'm just trying to keep the peace in the neighborhood, man!

Only, the brake cable and the throttle cable

look a lot alike, which is a design flaw.

Yanis, you got paralyzed and I feel really bad.

I am so fucking sorry, man.

But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me,

we could have an extra-strong friendship

because of what we went through.

Yeah?

Oh, man!

Oh, man, I can't tell you how good that feels to get that off my chest.

(CHUCKLING)

It's like taking a thousand-pound shit.

-(SIGHS) -(LIGHTER CLINKING)

What are you doing?

Yanis. Yanis!

Now, I know this brings up strong feelings, but, hey--

Put that down so we can work on our extra-strong friendship! Ah!

Oh, Shit! Fuck!

(YANIS SCREAMING)

Holy shit! Help! Help!

(YANIS CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(BLOWS)

(AUCTIONEER AUCTIONEERING)

- Hey. - Hi. You made it. How was the trip?

Still processing.

- Where's Kev? - Sold! You got her. 90,000.

He was supposed to be here, I don't know what happened.

Okay, next up, 2119 North Wallace Street.

Guys.

It's a four-bedroom, one-and-a-half bath

in a up-and-coming neighborhood, adjacent to a community garden.

Oh. Sounds almost livable.

Heard this place has a rat problem!

Yeah, and Honduran squatters live in the basement.

How about 50,000? Fifty thousand for the four-bedroom.

All right, who would give 50?

I have 50,000 bid in the back right there.

How about 60? I'm looking for 60,000.

Dive in.

60! Wanna give it a go for 60, I'm looking for 60,000.

Thank you. Now 70? Who would give it for 70?

70,000. I have 70 right here.

Who would give it for 80? 80 right here. You're up!

You gotta beat 80,000. Hey, I don't think so...

80,000 bid in the back. How about 90?

I'm looking for 90,000 right here.

Who can give 90? You can bid right there. Thank you.

Now 100. One hundred thousand...

- This is it. - One hundred. Thank you.

Now 110? Who would bid 110? Who would give it a go for 110?

110 going once, going twice-- Ooh, 110 in the back now.

Now, 120. You're out. You gotta beat 120.

Who would bid 120? Who would give it a go 120?

I gotta have 120.

- Hurry up! - We're gonna lose it.

- Raise the card. - I can't, I can't.

- We can't go over 100,000. - We gotta raise the card.

New bidder, right here with 120, now. Who wanna bid 130.

- You can bid back in. - We're out.

How about our man, who would give 130? Give it a go.

130, let me know! 130, in the back.

Now 40. Everybody else is out. You gotta beat 140.

Who would give that a go? 140, are you sure?

130 right here, going once.

You don't wanna miss it. 130 in the back going twice...

Are you thinking about it?

For 140,000, what do you think? Last call.

Sold! You got her. 130,000. Thank you!