Original subtitles

Next time you miss Shameless,

I cut off your testicles and feed it to homeless dog who lives behind Alibi.

But today, you get free pass. I tell you.

- Debbie? - Yeah?

I made an appointment for you for Friday for an abortion.

Not part of my plan.

I shot up.

You're just telling me this now?

You had a lot on your mind.

What's with the attitude?

You're on my ass 24/7.

At home, "Did you take your meds?" At work, "You're late. Pick up the pace."

If you don't like it, leave.

- I will. - Good!

Go!

-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING) - What the fuck?

I thought you cut the throttle cable!

I did.

Are you sure you cut the right cable?

Yes! There's only two cables. The throttle and the...

- I'll just make a note of your pregnancy. - What?

You didn't know you were pregnant?

(SIGHS)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(VOMITS)

Ugh!Jesus!

(VOMITING) Fuck.

Shit.

FRANK: Gallagher rain. (CHUCKLES)

Frank? What the hell is going on?

This is Jorge Mendoza and his clan.

Got evicted. Bank sold it right out from under them.

And the Mendozas came home yesterday to find all their stuff on the street.

And how is this our problem?

The loss of our unique community?

Generations of the American melting pot getting kicked out of their homes?

Gentrification is everyone's problem, Fiona.

Frank, what are they doing in our yard?

FRANK: I rented it to them.

The shed, the van, under the porch, this grassy area.

And, oh, my God, can they cook!

Yanis.

Hey, man. It's Kev and V.

YANIS: Yeah, I'm paralyzed, not blind.

Look, we just wanted to say how, uh,

really sorry we are for what happened to you.

Really, really, really sorry--

Sorry the way any good neighbor would be.

You got any Greek in you?

Greek? No. No.

I'm not sure. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, probably. I don't know.

(LAUGHS) You're a good friend.

Always a good man. You're Greek, for sure.

(SIGHS)

So, when are they gonna move you to rehab?

I'm not going to rehab, I'm going home.

I don't trust that chink doctor or the girly man.

I'm checking myself out of this hell-hole today.

You believe this shit, adelphe'?

Eight years I served in the Marines, I walk away fine.

I got these two cunas on the south side of Chicago,

I'm rolling out of here in a goddamn chair.

- Who? - Those two cunas.

The ones who took my dogs!

Oh, you're talking about Lisa and Lisa?

Yeah, they did this to me.

They cut my brake line.

Those bitches are gonna pay.

- They're gonna fucking pay. -(SQUEAKS)

What'd you say?

VERONICA: He is just sympathizing.

His voice squeaks when he sympathizes. Like a little girl.

Which we have two of, by the way.

Two little girls who need their daddy, Kevin.

So, it is time for us to go. Give him the flowers.

(SOFT GRUNT)

Where'd all this come from?

Carl bought Froot Loops.

And cage-free, organic eggs and juice with the pulp in it.

Eat up, little homie.

Where are you getting all this money?

Juvie job. Saved up.

You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.

Nope, no drugs. I learned my lesson.

(RAP SONG PLAYS)

Next.

IAN: You better watch out.

If she doesn't like what you're doing,

she might try to fire you from the family.

Yeah, or try to force you to get an abortion.

Smells good. Bacon?

Froot Loops.

You coming to work?

Yeah, I just gotta get dressed and talk to Debs.

About what?

I wanna apologize, okay?

- I'm gonna go. - I'll meet you there.

So you get to be late 'cause you're fucking the boss, right?

Lip already got you a new job, so cut the shit.

Carl, can you drop Liam at Headstart on your way to school?

Do I look like a babysitter?

No, you look like a criminal, but last I checked, you were still a Gallagher.

-(DOOR CLOSES) - Fine.

Brothers gotta stick together. Let's go.

Come on, little homie. Don't be a little shit, let's go.

I'm gonna be late.

I'm pregnant, Debs.

(SCOFFS) Not funny.

No, it's not, and it turns out that the pill is a big fucking waste of money.

Are you lying? Are you making this up?

You are the only one who lies about pregnancies around here. Jesus!

I'm not making it up.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

What are the chances?

We can raise them together, like sisters.

Sister-cousins. Whose is it? ls it Gus' or Sean's?

If it was Gus', that'd be weird. How far along are you?

Okay, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm saying...

I know how shitty this feels.

Like something's taken over your body and you feel sick and, like, a little crazy.

And I'm sorry, because I didn't get that before.

And I was harsh and cold and...

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And now we can go through it together.

We can go to the clinic, we'll make appointments for the same day.

It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing.

Like Disneyland. Only with abortions.

Wait, what...

What kind of apology is that?

Debs, I know that you think that keeping it will bring Derek back,

but if he left you like this then he doesn't deserve you.

And there will be other guys that you will love--

No, no, no. You're the one who sleeps around, Fiona, not me.

God.

You are disgusting.

You're a horrible human being.

You didn't even bother to divorce your husband.

You just ghosted him.

I what?

You ghosted him. You disappeared.

And now you're gonna ghost your baby.

(GAGGING)

(FIONA VOMITING)

Family breakfast and no one bothers to invite the padre. Typical.

Frank, walk me to school.

Walk you to school? What do you... You think I'm your father?

All right.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

IAN: Chicago PD. We have a warrant.

-(CHUCKLING) Hey, buddy. - What's up, man?

Oh!

Oh, check you out.

This is all yours? No roommate?

Yeah, it's pretty sweet, right?

Yeah, tittie art.

Trying to make sure everyone knows you're straight?

There's plenty of dude-on-dude action around here.

You'll do fine.

Sweet.

Want a Red Bull?

Nah, let's go grab a coffee. You can show me around.

Shit, you know, I can't, you know. I got a lab due.

I've been up all night, I got a few more pages to go,

and then some classes, but then, I can hang.

Yeah, cool. I can, uh...

I should go check in at the new job, anyway.

Yeah.

Thanks, by the way.

Yeah, you know, what?

I'll introduce you to Prof. Youens, you can thank him.

Cool.

This is some seriously nerdy shit.

Yeah.

I gotta get to work.

Oh, yeah, I'll catch you later, all right?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna be a grandfather.

From the bowels of death, new life. A new Gallagher.

Yeah, and Fiona's pregnant, too.

-shut up! "(LAUGHS)

A double grandfather!

Yeah, but Fiona doesn't wanna have hers.

And she's trying to force me to get rid of mine, too.

She says I'm too young.

She's wrong. Scientifically wrong.

Biologically speaking, you are in your prime childbearing years.

Actually, a little beyond them.

If Fiona waits much longer, she's gonna have babies that look like Wombats.

Her labia will stretch halfway to her knees.

Men wanting to do cunnilingus will require a straw. (CHUCKLES)

No,no,no,no,no. This is your time, Debs.

Don't let anyone tell you differently.

But what about Fiona?

She can't force you to do anything.

You have the right to control your own body.

But Fiona has that right, too.

Well, we won't let her.

I had to handcuff Monica to the bed when she was pregnant with Carl.

I kept her loaded for months, until he was too big to abort.

Yeah, I don't think Sean's gonna go for that.

- Who's Sean? - Her boyfriend.

I thought she was married.

Never mind. I'll talk to her.

Okay.

Maybe we all should talk to her.

Absolutely. We'll talk more after school, all right?

I gotta run now. I can't be late for my cancer support group.

Wait, Frank.

Do you have cancer?

Not that I know of.

Knock wood.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Can I help you?

Hi. Uh, I'm Ian Gallagher.

Today's my first day.

You, you spell Ian with three letters?

Uh, yeah. I-A-N.

That's lucky.

It costs extra to get more than three letters embroidered on your uniform.

That's why Tod lost his second

(STUTTERING) And Ron, he used to be called "Ronnie."

But you don't have to change your name at all.

That's, like, fate.

RON: Come on, I'll show you around.

Ian.

Tod had a car accident a few years ago. He's got a plate in his head now.

He's a bit simpler than he used to be, but, uh, well, he's a good guy.

So, you ever done any work like this?

I, uh, washed dishes in a diner. Bussed tables.

Well, this is like that, only without the tips.

Yep. You punch in here.

As low man on the totem pole,

your job will be to empty the trash all over the campus

and to clean up any messes you may find along the way.

Now, you pull this bin with you.

Come in and you get a mop and a bucket if you need it.

Hit all the classroom bins, but only in-between classes.

It's a timing thing. But, uh, well, you look smart, you'll figure it out.

IAN: So that's it?

I empty trash all day?

Half hour for lunch, 1:00 p.m.

Clock out for your breaks.

The day ends at 5:00 p.m.

Now, once you get the hang of the trash patrol, we'll train you on the bathrooms.

Now, we'll get this uniform embroidered, but, uh, for today, you can be Dave.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hey, yo, you see a bike you like?

Don't worry, my homie, I got you. We'll find your dream bike.

Hey, yo, Dominique. I've been missing you.

You don't know me.

I know you from my dreams.

I already told you and your cornrows to leave me alone.

Why you gotta dis the rows? They never did nothing but love you.

Why you trying to play hard when you're nothing but a white boy playing dress-up?

You hurt me, Dominique. You hurt my heart and my soul.

You think color's nothing but a skin tone.

You see my brother, Nick, there?

We was in juvie together.

He sees past my skin into my dark black soul.

Carl.

Fiona's pregnant, and I want the whole family to talk her into keeping it.

- You in? - Yo, white girl, I don't know you.

Mr. Gallagher. I'd like a word with you. In my office.

There are other ways to make things right.

The man is paralyzed. You feeling guilty? He's gonna need help around the house.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Well, your text said "911 and"--

I accidentally cut our neighbor's motorcycle brake cable,

and now he's paralyzed for life.

- Kevin! - What?

God, it just feels good to say it out loud.

I'll explain later. What's going on with you? You look like hell.

Hey, uh, Kev, grab a table and order.

Hey, man.

Paralyzed a dude.

Cut his brake cable.

Cool. Want a menu?

I'm pregnant.

What? Wait. Debbie is pregnant, you said.

Turns out, we've got a two-for-one over at our place.

It's like a fucking sick joke, V.

We're both knocked up, she wants to keep hers, Ian hates my guts,

Carl is, like, turning into a fucking criminal.

And I'm, like... Shit, what is this?

It's the hormones.

You just start leaking down your face until the babies are born.

- Then you start leaking out your titties. -(SOBBING)

Whose is it?

Sean's.

(SNIFFLES)

Or maybe Gus'.

Possibly Jimmy's.

(LAUGHS)

- It's not funny! -(LAUGHING) I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

Maybe not "funny ha-ha," but "funny slutty."

You gonna tell any of them?

No, 'cause I'm not gonna have it.

You're not gonna tell Sean?

No. There's no reason to.

But I think I gotta go see Gus.

Fucking Debbie, she accused me of ghosting him.

And I get that she's 15, and by definition that makes her a bitch,

but it's, like, really fucking with me.

It's fucking with you 'cause it's true. You did ghost him.

You never ended it. You never gave him back his ring.

I know.

And it's, like, she can't have this baby,

but there's no chance she's gonna listen to me until I clean up my own shit.

His band's got a gig tonight. It's all over Facebook.

Then go and see him.

And then tell Debbie that you're getting your house in order

and she should do the same, in the form of evacuating her underage womb.

Students talk.

They talk in the corridors, in the cafeteria.

They talk and they seem to think

that if they lower their bellowing voices only slightly,

that I can't hear them.

But I have the ears of a dog, Mr. Gallagher.

The ears of a dog and the soul of a warrior.

Heard you're selling weapons, son.

There was a school shooting at Westmont last month.

Three kids and two teachers shot.

And Bridgemont Middle School, 13-year-old lost a leg.

Hobbling around on a peg now.

- 30'? ♪ SON I?

You don't care about your fellow man?

I want a Glock, a 9mm semi with an extended mag.

But no cop-killer bullets. I need hollow tips.

Can't have my bullet going through the shooter into some innocent kid.

Hey, inventory and payroll are done, and tomorrow's orders are in.

Do you mind if I go handle some shit that needs handling?

I don't mind a bit, if you tell me what's going on.

Just family stuff.

I call bullshit.

What do you mean?

What I mean is, tell me what's going on.

Besides my 15-year-old sister planning to ruin her life and mine?

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

I can tell when somebody's being cagey, or full of shit,

'cause I spent most of my life being both.

That's supposed to comfort me?

I'm saying, direct's a better approach with me.

Fine. I'm gonna go to the clinic to see if I can make an appointment for Debbie,

and then, I'm gonna go see Gus tonight.

"Husband" Gus? "Augustus" Gus?

Do you know another Gus?

(GRUNTS) Why'?

I wanna tell him that it's over.

I'm pretty sure he knows.

Tell him I'm sorry.

Give him back his grandmother's ring.

Why would you not just tell me that?

I don't know. Felt personal, somehow.

Okay.

Go and do what you need to do.

Thanks.

I've been looking for you.

I was just leaving. What do you want?

Debbie told me the good news.

- I could just weep with joy! - Oh, God! Jesus, Frank. Let go of me.

Can I congratulate the papa-to-be?

You cannot!

Is it the guy you were kissing in here?

Are there multiple options to it?

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, yo, Dominique, I want you to be my baby.

It's your heart, your soul, and body that I seek.

(SCOFFS) What is the matter with you?

Mr. Gallagher, I just wanted to commend you as a fine, upstanding,

African American citizen of our proud school.

Thank you, Principal.

Sir, no disrespect, but he's white.

Don't be ridiculous.

More of our African American youth should be like young Carl, here.

Think that was too much?

Nah, I think we gained some ground.

All right, let's do some business.

- How is he? Coming home? - Yeah.

But only because he doesn't trust his doctors.

Something about them being immigrants or something.

Uh, well, isn't he an immigrant?

He's paralyzed. I don't think we should be criticizing him.

LISA TWO: It's very nice of you to clean up his yard, very neighborly.

Yeah.

We should do something for him, too.

Maybe plant a nice garden?

Ooh! Maybe roses and a new lawn?

I think maybe it's the best if you two just stay clear.

I'm gonna pick him up, I'm gonna bring him back in a couple hours.

Maybe a new fence?

(GIRL MOANING)

She thinks just 'cause I'm pregnant means I'm gonna drop out,

which it obviously doesn't.

But if she has her baby, it'll be so much easier.

'Cause she'll be taking care of hers anyway,

so she can just watch mine while I go to school.

-(GIRL MOANING) - Stop screwing in there, we need to pee!

Forget it, I'm gonna pee in the sink.

God, this is such bullshit!

This is why teen moms drop out of high school.

Even though we are in our prime childbearing years!

(GIRL MOANING)

Uh, you can't do that.

My pregnancy is no less punishing to my bladder than your paralysis is to yours.

Right?

I'm trying to wipe, do you mind?

(FLUSHING)

- WOMAN: Fiona Gallagher? - Yeah.

Reason for visit?

Uh, I'm pregnant, and I needed--

We'd like to learn about prenatal care, please.

No, we wouldn't.

You're here to discuss your options?

- I'm here to get an abortion... - No, she's not.

But they said I need to make an appointment for a pee test.

A pee test and a reservation in Hell.

- If you-- - Jesus Christ!

He's opposed to abortion. I'm pretty sure that's on record.

(SIGHS) Can we do it today, like, right now?

Your mother would weep if she heard you say that.

Can you make him leave?

If I leave, I'm gonna go talk to the baby daddy.

You're not the father?

I am the grandfather.

Oh, my God, I love the way that sounds.

You go anywhere near Sean,

and I will set you on fire in your fucking sleep.

About that appointment.

We can't do it today, but we can schedule for next week.

You'll be medicated, so you'll need somebody to pick you up.

You have a husband or boyfriend?

- I can-- - She has both.

KEV: Shit.

Hey, who's in my yard?

Some of the, uh, neighbors. They want to do something nice for you.

They're throwing away all my shit!

You, goddamn cunas! I'll kill you first, xekoliares.

- Jesus! -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTS)

Stupid... on!

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey!

I was just gonna empty the trash. Should I come back?

No. No, no, no. Come in.

Uh, this is Professor Youens, he made the call to get you the job.

Oh. Ha!

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

- How do you pronounce that? "Daav"? - Dave.

Ian. His name's Ian.

You look young, Ian. Still in high school?

LIP: No, he, uh--

I dropped out and joined the Army.

Since when does the US Army accept high school drop-outs?

They don't. I registered as Lip.

It's a long story.

- He as smart as you? - IAN: No.

Yeah, he's smart.

(CHUCKLES) Lip is the genius of the family.

So that gives you an excuse for not finishing?

You seem plenty smart.

And Dav's uniform doesn't really suit you.

Man, you wanna get some food or something?

Yeah.

Cool.

Fiona here?

Napping. Hopefully, dreaming of her unborn child.

We need to convince her to keep it.

Who's she?

That's Juanita. Juanita...

Gracias.

Oh, I'm starving. Baby needs to eat.

Time for you to learn the grand Gallagher art of living off the American government.

Well, I have to pick up Liam, and I told V I'd babysit.

Yeah, I'll get Liam.

You Will?

I need to introduce him to somebody.

You got a problem with that, you can give me my drumstick back.

(SCOFFS) Whatever.

All right, we'll go pick up little homie and pay Dominique a visit.

She needs to understand the blood lines around here.

So your professor's kind of a dick, huh?

Oh, he's fucking harmless.

He actually reminds me of Frank, only he's, uh...

Privileged?

I was gonna say "employed."

LIP: Yo, Joaquin.

- Hey, what's up, brother? - What's up, man?

Hey, this is my brother, Ian.

- What's up, Ian? - What's up?

Hey, did you get that paper done on Schrödinger's cat?

Uh, that shit fucks with me, man.

I know, right? It's like shit exists because we're observing.

It changes based on us observing it.

Yeah. It's like those girls, like,

if we weren't here right now to see them, they might not be laughing,

-right? - Right.

The fuck you talking about?

Quantum physics.

Quantum mechanics.

Thought you were talking about a cat.

(LAUGHS) We kind of are. It's just it's...

Well, it's complicated, so it's a long story.

All right.

I gotta clock out.

Yeah, all right. Well, I'll catch you back at the dorms, though, right?

Welfare is not as simple as the name makes it sound.

It requires careful calculations, proper paperwork and a little bit of luck.

Now, one baby is worth $357 a month, but twins will get you an extra 154.

Do twins run in your boyfriend's family?

I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't acknowledge his family.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

So, if the baby has a clubfoot or a harelip, that's worth an extra 100.

So you might wanna lighten up on the prenatal vitamins.

Mental deficits are worth a lot.

But they cost a lot, so don't cut out the folic acid completely.

I'm taking all my vitamins.

Okay. Suit yourself.

We'll get you all signed up here.

We'll work on your sister.

She's so stubborn.

She's already made an appointment to terminate.

Shit.

Do you know how to do an intervention?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Never been on this side of one of those.

That's exciting. An abortion intervention.

An intervortion. I should trademark that.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

This is my dependent and she's about to have a dependent of her own.

We'll need the proper forms.

WOMAN: Okay. Here you go.

See? Free money.

Uh...

- No, we're missing the TANF forms. - One minute.

We're not new at this.

It's like "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes?

Dom here?

Nope.

- She's right there. - No, she's not.

I want her to meet my brother.

Dom, this is my brother. Say what up, Liam.

"What up, Liam."

Your brother? Or your bro?

My blood, sir.

Same mom, same pops.

Dom be calling me white all day, so I had to make a point, sir.

Just 'cause his skin is a little darker than mine,

ain't no reason to call a nigga white.

(LAUGHING)

lm'a give you a 10-second head start. You better run, boy.

And take Shaq with you.

Go!

- Ten. - I won't stop seeing you!

- Nine. - Dom, I won't stop seeing you!

Eight. Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

- It's the hormones. - Not this time.

- Just talk to him. - I don't know what to say.

How about, "I'm pregnant with what may be another man's baby,

"so we should probably get a divorce. Here's your ring."

Oh, shit.

Go ahead. Rip the Band-Aid.

- Hey. - Hey.

Got an invite on Facebook.

Yeah, I guess you're still on the mailing list.

Guess so.

You look good.

I guess, you know...

- The way we left things, I-- - Gus.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm glad you're here.

You are?

- I wrote a song for you. - You did?

You gonna hang out?

Yeah, sure.

Could we talk after?

Sure.

Nobody's bleeding, so that went better than I expected.

Yeah, me too.

You wanna get us drinks?

We're staying?

Yeah.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey! - Yo!

- This happen every night? - Nah, just most nights.

(GIRLS CHANTING)

-I think I like college. -(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

So, uh, we have a special guest tonight.

My wife is here. Haven't seen her for a while.

She's right over there. Give a little wave, Fiona.

(FAINT APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Well, this song's for you, babe. It's called The F Word.

(SINGING) When I was young, I remember

I was taught not to say the F word

I guess I forgot as a grown man

with an open heart inside

I got married to the F word and my heart slowly died

F is for Fiona

With her fist of flailing fire

F is for Fiona

I felt like I could fly

But then fucking Fiona

was fucking everyone

So fuck you, Fiona

'Cause now I'm fucking done

Fuck you, Fiona

With your fist of flailing fire

Fuck you, Fiona

I felt like I could fly

And then fucking Fiona

You know that she was fucking everyone

So fuck you, Fiona

'Cause now I'm fucking done

Shit, I'm wasted.

It's medical-grade weed plus piss-grade beer.

I'm seeing triple, Lip. I think I need to crash.

Me, too.

You mind if I crash here?

Yeah, of course.

Like, for a while?

I hate it at home. Fiona and Debbie are always fighting.

She treats me like I'm five.

Change of scene would be nice.

Plus, I figured we shared a room, like, our whole life.

Yeah.

Yeah?

No, I mean, um...

Yeah, no, it's just...

- You know, Helene comes over sometimes-- - Oh...

Okay, you salty dog, I'll clear out when she's here.

Yeah, and I'm the RA now, and...

I don't know. You know, I just-- I guess I feel like I kind of earned my space...

Or whatever.

But you can totally crash tonight.

Or any, night, you know, Just don't...

Move your shit in is all I'm saying.

- You smoking now? - I'll quit soon.

You Okay?

Yeah.

Just wanted to see you.

Nice.

How was dinner?

Well, slow.

How was Gus?

(CHUCKLES)

Angry-

So it went well, then.

About as well as you'd expect, you know, only with music.

Did you give him back his ring?

Nah. I left after a few songs.

How'd you do today?

The whole...

Not doing drugs.

Well, I did great.

In that I did not do drugs.

You crying?

- All right-- - Motherfucker.

You gonna end it?

What?

Between us. Because of my slip.

- No. - You sure?

Because you've been acting really weird, and you're crying now, and uh...

No, it's 'cause Gus wrote a song about me called The F Word,

and he played it in front of about 100 people.

That is such a pussy move.

If I were him, I'd have just...

- Burned your house down. -(CHUCKLES)

I fucking love you, okay?

Okay.

(SIGHS) I'm just fried.

- It's all right, man. - I'm gonna go home and crash.

- You wanna come? - No, I gotta...

Hit another meeting. You want me to walk you?

No.

I want you to make your meeting.

All right.

Hey, sing me some of The F Word?

(SOFT SONG PLAYS)

(COUGHING)

(VOMITING)

(BABY CRYING SOFTLY)

What the fuck?

Fiona, this is an intervortion, trademark pending.

A what?

We are here to stop you from destroying your soul,

this family, and my legacy.

Which all live in the form of a defenseless fetus in your womb.

(LAUGHS)

- Are you serious? - I came to back you.

- I came 'cause I paralyzed a dude. - Kev.

- I just like to say it. - It's a crime against God.

When was the last time you went to church?

Other than to steal from the offering plate?

I light candles for Bianca daily.

What's the name of our Pope?

He prefers to go by "Holy Father."

Can you recite one prayer?

This isn't about me, Fiona.

This is about the Gallaghers. Gallaghers don't abort.

No, they just abandon their kids once they have 'em,

or they drink so much they can't remember 'em.

Boom! Good one.

That's the Irish way.

We can't help thousands of years of inebriated evolution.

Are you saying you wish we didn't have you?

Because your mother didn't want to.

VERONICA: Thought Gallaghers didn't abort.

I kept her from it until that last one at the end.

After you've pushed out six,

God gives you a "Get Out of Hell Free" card.

Where are you and your friend gonna sleep if Debbie and I have babies?

'Cause I'll need to turn your room into a nursery for sure.

Ha! Burn.

Don't kill babies, Fiona.

I won't kill any babies.

I'll just have some cells in my tummy vacuumed out, okay?

- I confided in you, and you told everyone. - Because I care about you.

Are you saying I don't have the right to choose?

No. I'm a feminist. I believe you have that right.

Tell her your feelings.

I want our babies to play together. They're cousins.

They are not babies. They are not cousins.

They are the size of warts right now, and when you get a wart you freeze it off.

Damn, that's cold.

You are not watching a tennis match on TV.

- People can hear you. - Sorry.

V, you're a mother. Do you wish you'd frozen your babies like warts?

No, I love my babies. But I wasn't fifteen when I had 'em--

We're not talking about me, we're talking about Fiona.

I'm hungry. Breakfast?

That's because you're eating for two.

Frank, one more word,

you'll be sharing a mattress with your friends out back.

Babies bite your nipples, spit up in your mouth,

stretch out your punani. Think about that.

- Hey. Let me help with that. - I got it.

I said I got it.

Thanks, but it's probably my puke.

Hey...

I got it.

- You pissed about something? - No.

L just wanted to help.

Maybe I just don't want your help.

Well, what's up?

I'm busy.

Some of us actually have to work for a living.

Yeah, no, I work.

All right, what's your problem?

This is it for me, Lip. This job.

This is where I land.

So you wanna come to me

and talk about how hard your fucking job is as a teacher's assistant--

- I never said that-- - While I clean up your goddamn puke.

Look, if you want a better job...

You can go back to high school.

- All right? Nobody made you drop out. - Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

All right? I got you this job, man. Now you don't want it?

You don't share your room because you think you've earned your space.

And then you sit around and laugh at me

with your fucking shitty bitch college friends

and say words like "prof" and "caff",

like you're too fucking busy

to finish your goddamn words, but I'm the one with a problem?

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

- LIP: What the fuck? -(GRUNTING)

- Hey, hey, hey. - Shit!

That's enough, man. That's enough, man.

Let him go! It's okay, let him go!

- You want me to let him hit you? - Fuck! I'm fine!

Fucking done!

(SIGHS)

Fuck!

- Excuse me, Carl Gallagher? - Yeah.

I need a word.

- Do I know you? - No (LAUGHS), I teach AP Calculus.

I'm almost certain you never will qualify.

All right. So what are we talking about, here?

Hopefully, we're talking about a Smith & Wesson lady model.

Pink handle would be nice.

I have cash.

Already adding "high school dropout" to your teen-mom resume?

Fiona, I want you to support my decision.

(VOICE BREAKING) You don't wanna have yours, that's fine.

I will support that, if it's what you really wanna do.

But I need you to support me, too.

Because no one else does.

Not our family, not our neighbors, not my school.

Just Frank...

And he's Frank.

Please, Fiona...

If you love me, you will support my decision in having this baby,

because I know I'm going to be a great mom.

You are gonna be a great mom...

Just not yet.

Hey, we can have babies together in ten years.

When we're ready.

Because it's all about timing and the timing is not right for us right now.

We made mistakes...

But it's not too late to fix 'em.

No, Fiona. Mine wasn't a mistake.

I did it on purpose.

I lied to Derek that I was on the pill, because I know what I want.

You're right.

Frank is the only person who thinks this pregnancy is a good idea.

You have Frank on your side.

And that should bother you.

You should be crying.

And I want you to really get this, too.

If you have this baby...

I will not support you. Not physically. Not emotionally.

I will not change a fucking diaper.

I will not be woken up in the middle of the night

because it has fever or croup or fucking colic...

Because you will not be living under my roof.

You are on your own if you do this.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

You called in sick.

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBBING) Yeah, I'm feeling sick.

I am clean and sober.

And that...

Small amount of heroin I recently did,

did not affect my ability to listen and respond.

If you wanna talk about what's going on...

Which, for fuck's sake, I...

I really hope you do.

I'm gonna catch one Lisa while the other Lisa isn't looking and skin her alive.

And then I'm gonna wrap the other one in the first one's skin

and beat her with a bat until she dies.

It wasn't them.

All right, Yanis? They didn't do it.

The Lisas didn't cut your brake line,

so there's no point in skinning one of them

and then wrapping the other one in her skin.

Hold on a second, what makes you say it wasn't them?

Because the Lisas were out of town the day of your accident.

I know who it was, then.

Look, Yanis--

That lawyer motherfucker on the corner with the Audi.

That gentrifying piece of skata.

I'm gonna kill his kids and feed him their testicles on a shish kebab.

No, man. What-- That's not right. You don't bring kids-- No.

The Bible says we're supposed to forgive.

Hey, man.

I'm never gonna see a woman's naked body ever again, unless I pay for it.

My life is over.

So, the Bible can suck my dick!

And so can that lawyer's kids!

So, how long do you wanna sit here like this?

'Cause I can-- I can wait all day.

But I do have a few errands to run

and there's no manager on the floor at the diner right now, so--

I'm pregnant and I'm not having it.

And you don't get to have an opinion about it.

'Cause I don't know how long I've been pregnant,

and I don't even know if it's yours,

which you also don't get to have an opinion about.

Just like I'm not allowed to have any opinion about you shooting up.

And I'm not allowed to ask you to make any promises.

- This is like that. - Like that.

You don't get a vote.

And you don't get to go shoot up over it, either.

And these tears aren't because I'm sad to have a fucking abortion or...

Because I'm having mixed feelings.

They're because I had a shit week

and because the hormones that are raging through my body

have swollen my tits so much that my fucking bra doesn't fit and it hurts.

(SOBBING)

Yeah, I gotta go to the bank and make a deposit. You wanna walk with me?

(LAUGHS)

Sure.

You letting me walk by?

No rhymes to recite?

- You got a problem with my skin tone, so-- - That's not my problem with you.

My problem is that you go out of your way to sound uneducated

and to look like a gangbanger.

- And I'm not down with that. - You don't like rap?

I prefer Shakespeare.

What can I say? I'm a fool for love. I'm Romeo and you're my Juliet.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, they both ended up dead.

Shit, they did?

BOY: Whoa!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Kevin, you have to let this go now.

That man can't kill the lawyers or the Lisas or anybody else,

'cause he can't get out of the house without your help.

He doesn't have any other friends. Nobody likes him.

You know why? Because the guy's an asshole.

So...

(SIGHS)

Maybe this wasn't an accident, Kev.

Maybe he didn't deserve working legs.

Maybe guilt isn't what you should be feeling.

Maybe you should be feeling like a hero. You saved the neighborhood.

You are God's personal army, and you have been rewarded.

We have two healthy girls,

and our business was named "the Best Shittiest Bar on the South Side."

So let go of the guilt and focus on what's good.

You know, Ian used to wake up every morning...

Do 200 push-ups before going to school.

Hardcore ROTC.

He wanted to be a soldier.

I don't know.

You know, he thinks...

Being bipolar means he's doomed to be a piece of shit like our mother.

Maybe it's true.

Maybe it's not.

Sing me a tiny, little bit of that song.

- I'm saying "please." - Never.

- Oh... -(CHUCKLES)

Wasn't anything I didn't deserve. Things could be worse.

Eviction notice?

Are you kidding me?

That's just like the one we got last week.

(SIGHS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MAN: Hey!

Jesus.

Holy shit! Fuck!

Hey, lady! You okay?

Hey! Hey! Hey, lady! Wake up! Wake up! Come on! Wake up!

Hey, can you hear me? Fuck!

(COUGHING)

Fuck!

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

MAN". Hey, can you hear me?

Sir?

Can you tell me your name, sir?

Let's get some oxygen over here!

-(SIREN BLARING) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)