Original subtitles

- Hey, babe. - Hi.

I am so glad it's Friday night.

Ooh.

Jake, look at you, looking all sexy

in your "bidness" clothes.

Claire, don't objectify me.

- Let me objectify myself. Uh. - Ooh.

- Yes. Ooh, ooh. - Shh.

So sexy. Yes! Ooh, yes.

- Slay, slay, slay, slay. - Oh, slay, yes.

Very Chicago.

- Yes. - Here we go.

Sweatpants me, babe.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Ooh, they're on backwards.

Don't care. It's the weekend.

Right.

Um... what...

Babe, what-what's happening?

So, you know how the best part of eating some cheese puffs

is licking all the dust off your fingers at the end?

Well, I crushed up an entire bag

and now the whole thing is dust.

Wait, you think I'm gross?

No, I think you're a genius.

If I get my entire hand wet...

I can make a whole glove

like Michael Jackson's, except, you know, made of...

cheese.

♪ I got the cheese-ah ♪

♪ I got the cheese on my finger-ah. ♪

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- Hey, man. - Guess who you're looking at.

As of today, the new face of Calvin Klein underwear.

- Hey. - Oh.

Underwear models, accountants,

we both do our best work in briefs.

Yeah, they're giving me a lot of money for this.

Are you sure I can't pay you guys rent

for letting me crash here?

No, just save us the underwear that you wear in the shoot.

- I'm sorry, what? - And we'll put it on eBay

and we can probably pay off the house.

Oh, yeah.

- Give me them drawers, man. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, well, this is great news, man.

Come sit down and celebrate.

Oh, I don't want to interrupt.

You guys are obviously having people over.

What makes you say that?

Well, that table full of snacks and...

that second table full of snacks.

- Oh, no, this is just for us. - Yep.

But I can see how it looks like

we're feeding a peewee soccer team.

It's so great to be around people

who aren't afraid to eat for pleasure.

We just like to treat ourselves at the end of a hard week

to all our favorite foods.

That's right. We work our asses off,

so on Friday nights we like to kick back

and get our weekend started

- like pregame LeBron. - Mm.

- Ready, babe? - Oh, yeah.

Let's do this.

And...

Yeah!

I should not have crushed up the puffs.

No. I'll go get the vacuum.

Mistakes were made.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Couldn't decide what I wanted to make for breakfast, so, uh,

- I made everything. - Oh, wow. Hi.

- This looks delicious. - Oh, yeah.

Um, but have our eating habits gotten a bit out of control?

What? No. This is breakfast...

it's the most important meal of the day.

Yeah, but, uh, you know, Cooper's so healthy,

and we pretty much eat like

we're Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.

Which we can do because we have memberships

at that 24 Hour Fitness.

Um, which we haven't been to since the day we signed up.

And, uh, I drove by the other day.

- It's now a Sephora. - Oh.

So what? You know, like,

I know you're too classy to admit it,

but you've always been one of those girls

that can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.

- Hmm. - Boop. Now come over here

and, uh, Lady and the Tramp this maple bacon.

Jake.

I can't believe I have to say this for the third day in a row,

but you've got bacon hanging out your mouth.

And you can, too, my man.

Boop.

Claire, his, uh, bacon hole's not working.

Stop.

I'm sorry, mate,

but my trainer Antoine keeps me on

this insane no-sugar, raw food diet.

Well, eats like a rabbit, talks like a koala.

And I'd love to have breakfast with you guys, but, um,

the truth is I have to watch what I eat,

'cause I used to be a little bit overweight.

- What? - What?!

That's terrible.

Oh, really?

Wait, you-you guys are happy about this?

No. No.

No.

Maybe a little.

I mean, it's kind of fun to find out

that our hot pop star roommate used to be a...

chubby "wittle" wallaby.

The Chunkstah from Down Undah.

Oh, Huge Jackman.

Yeah, I heard them all during my fat Cooper days,

which is why I burnt all the photos,

except for the one that Antoine makes me keep

as a reminder to work out.

Well, I'm sorry you had to go through that, buddy.

I never had to worry about weight,

'cause I'm a college athlete.

What's-what's funny? What...

I'm sorry, babe, but we have been out of college

for over a decade.

Uh, it's a lifetime title, Claire.

Like "the pope" or, uh, or "the grape lady."

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I can't breathe. Stop the tape.

Chew on this, Coop-dawg.

Wow.

Man, that's so cool you used to be able to dunk.

What?

You used to be able to dunk.

No, I think you misunderstood this, uh, Cooper Gooding, Jr.

I... I still can dunk, okay?

I just stopped because I got tired of making grown men cry.

Yeah, that's the sound of my dunks

going through the net.

Followed by...

That's our neighbors crowding around to cheer me on.

Followed by "beep, beep, beep."

That's the ambulance backing into our driveway.

Ooh, all right.

Cooper, give me some drumroll.

Claire, sexy fan scream.

I love you, Dr. Dunk!

Ha-ha, I love you, too, whoever you are.

Ah. I have to admit I'm a little nervous.

- That you can't do it? - No. That I'll burn up on reentry.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Okay, Jake, I want you to just relax

and tell us exactly what happened.

Right, um, so, something was definitely off out there.

You know? I mean, by my tenth dunk...

Attempt.

Thank you, Gerald.

It was really scary, you know?

I was sweating, my pulse was racing

and I was, like, short of breath.

Mom.

What's wrong with him?

Jake, in our expert opinion,

we think you might have experienced something

we in the medical community call exercising.

What? No way. No-no-no way.

I worked out all the time back in college.

I've never felt anything like this.

Well, that's because your body chemistry has changed.

I mean, you still have the same heart that you had back then,

except now it's trapped

inside a bunch of cheese.

Okay. Why don't you just drink your morning margs

and lay off Jake.

Great. Then we can

move on to you, Ms. Maternity Jeans.

I am not wearing maternity jea...

Okay, well, these ones are maternity jeans.

But I only bought them

because I thought that "stork-style" meant skinny legs.

It makes sense.

Look, it's nothing to be ashamed about.

The fact is you're both over 30 now,

and your metabolism is slowing down.

Okay, you guys are overreacting.

'Cause we're not fat.

No. But you are pre-fat.

As in, just about to pop.

Just like the Nutty Professor

right before his potion wears off.

He's going along, thinks he looks good, and...

Get back in there, shoulder!

- Whoa! - Yeah.

Oh, no! Oh!

It's true, and you better make some big changes soon,

or you'll end up like my poor cousin Tommy.

Oh, cousin To... I love that guy.

What happened to him?

Oh, he's dead.

And he was only 50, Jake.

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Horrible and tragic.

Like your dunk.

Attempt.

What?

- Aw. - Uh, Jake.

Come on, it's past midnight.

Can we please just go to sleep?

Claire, cousin Tommy played

college football and had a heart attack.

I sit when I pee. I'm a goner.

So we're not in peak physical shape anymore.

It's not that big a deal.

Claire, I am 20 pounds heavier

than I was in college.

If we don't make serious changes,

I may never dunk again,

and you might never fit in your old jeans.

What? I can fit in my old jeans.

Eh, sure you can.

- Ooh. - You'll probably die

right after me.

Which would be super sweet.

Our last words will probably be,

"Are you gonna finish that?"

Baby?

Babe, you okay in there?

Sounds like you're flipping a tire.

Ba-bam!

Oh.

You see?

Yeah, those are nice.

Now, uh, turn around.

I really don't want to.

Button popped off, didn't it?

Yeh, I'm gonna need a sewing kit, um...

- and a drywall patch. - Oh.

I am so glad you guys asked for my help.

As my trainer Antoine says, the first step

to getting in shape is getting rid

of all the junk food.

Or, in your case, just food.

Uh, only thing left in there is, uh, some milk,

a box of baking soda

and the tops of some strawberries.

- Ah... - Yeah.

I had to cut them because the bottoms

were all dipped in chocolate.

Now, let's do your pantry.

Toss all of this

in these boxes, and I will throw it away.

Antoine says junk food can be as addictive as heroin.

- Yeah, right. - Okay, that's a little dramatic.

Give me those back, you son of a bitch!

Uh...

I get it. You know, back when I was Fat Cooper, I threw a tizzy

when my parents pollywogged my Tim Tams in the bin.

I don't know what you just said, uh...

But I did think of a new Fat Cooper name.

Meal Gibson.

Or Olivia Fig Newton-John.

Ha, ha. Ha.

Great bullying, guys. Now get to work.

All right.

Well, Cap'n Crunch,

looks like it's Chips Ahoy.

Silly rabbit, looks like

Trix are for nobody now.

Twizzlers.

Now, who's ready for breakfast?

- Oh, I am. - Me!

- Hey. There... - Oh.

Jake, what did he put in our milkshake machine?

I have no idea. Look at the size of those grapes.

Those are beets, Jake.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you know what? This reminds me:

we need to change the filter in the aquarium.

Oh.

Uh...

all right, now let's toast

to a long and healthy future together.

Come on. Come on.

Cheers.

Ooh.

Wow. It's, uh...

Nope.

It's like one of those old dollars in a vending machine.

It just won't go down.

Oh. I...

Ugh.

I think I just got a whole onion.

You guys can do it, I promise.

Bottoms up, come on.

Go on. Come on.

Ugh...

My compliments to the goose that pooped in this glass.

It's only been three days and our bodies

are already settling into their sexy new shapes.

Oh, my God, this is torture. I'm starving!

And all our old food is just downstairs,

waiting for garbage day.

- Baby Ruth. - Mmm.

- Little Debbie. - Oh...

The Sour Patch Kids.

They're just children, Jake.

- Not the babies. - No!

We should go check on them, see how they're doing.

No, no, no. We have to stop enabling each other.

You're right. You're right.

Let's just turn off the lights, go to sleep.

Yeah.

- Whoa! - What the hell?

Guys, I think we'd better call Antoine.

Fat Cooper's back.

Hey, thanks for seeing us, Antoine.

My shoot's in a week, and I was literally eating garbage.

Uh-huh. Well, Cooper, before I got fit, I used to roll over

at 1:00 a.m. and text Taco Bell, "You up?"

We're gonna get you back on track.

Well, we are also ready to start living healthier lives.

- Yeah. - And your gym is so cool.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was very important for me

to maintain the vibe of the building's rich, rich history.

What did this space used to be?

A slaughterhouse.

Now, the next seven days will not be easy,

but I promise they'll be worth it.

All right? Claire,

why don't you, uh, hit the heavy bag.

Boys, let's start with some burpees.

Burpees. Okay, uh...

Should we, uh, be...

Shouldn't we be easing into this stuff?

Excellent point. If you're struggling,

feel free to take things down a notch.

- Try some lunges. Yeah. - Oh, cool.

That should provide plenty of time

for another guy to move in on Claire.

Sorry, what?

I'm just talking about all the beefcake dudes

on her Facebook page, lurking,

just waiting to take her to pound town

after you die!

What... what the hell?

Oh, Cooper let me in on all your weaknesses and fears

to help me motivate you.

Well, I respond better to positive reinforcements.

Okay. Well, I'm positive

that Jeff Killroy's gonna be the man

that teaches your son how to ride a bike

after you die!

And Patrick Watson is a sexy surfer

with a shark bite scar that's gonna fornicate with Claire

after you die!

Take it easy on him, Antoine.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know who's not gonna take it easy on you, Claire?

Society's physical expectations of women over 30.

Now, make like a widow whose pension just ran out

and get back to work! Punch!

You can do this, Claire!

Shut your trap, you bloated Bieber.

Don't listen to him, Cooper.

He's just using our fears against us.

I know. Isn't he the best?

Faster!

Harder! Come on!

Can I have some water?

Yeah, I'll get you some water.

After you die!

Come on! Hup, hup, hup!

Bad news, Claire.

Dinner's ready.

Man, these last six days working out

have left me sore as hell, but I...

... have a surprise for you.

Ba-bam.

Ooh.

Jeans buttoned and zipped.

Mm-hmm.

Daddy likes what he sees

- and he sees what he likes. - Ooh.

I mean, these pants are-are so tight that I can barely breathe,

but, uh, maybe Dr. Dunk wants to

give me some mouth-to-mouth.

Why don't you come down here

so we can squish our bodies together?

- Oh, your pants. - Okay, here I come.

Yeah.

You better bring it to me, little granny.

Yeah, come here.

Ow.

Okay.

Ah, yeah.

Mmm. Wait.

Hold on, I think I have to sneeze.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

No, no, no, no, no. You're too close, you'll make...

Ow!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - Ow, ow.

- My muscles. - Ow. Ooh.

Hiya, guys, we're... Okay!

That's how you guys have sex?

Ugh.

No, we're just too sore to move.

Can you please just help us get up?

Yes, of course.

- Ow. - Please.

Ooh.

Thank you, Coops.

How'd the photo shoot go?

So amazing. And I'm really grateful

to you guys for helping me get back into shape.

And, and because of that,

I wanted to share something special with you.

- Oh. - Good God.

You look amazing.

Wow, man. Is this the, uh, one,

Calvin Klein's gonna put on the billboards?

What?

No, that's Fat Cooper.

- Are you kidding me? - What the hell?

I know. I barely even have a six-pack.

Oh, my... Dude, you look the same.

That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Can you believe this kid?

Ugh, I know. G...

I just got to keep looking at this photo

to remind myself how mad I am.

Stop.

You know, honey, Cooper's not the only reason

I wanted to get into shape.

I mean, my favorite thing in life

is to spend Friday nights with you on the couch,

and I want to do that as long as I can.

Yeah, same.

But I don't want to live forever

if this is how it's gonna feel.

I mean, one of the joys of marriage

is being able to let yourself go.

Yeah.

I never realized that health

was the worst part of "in sickness and in health."

Let's just try to live healthier during the week,

but then on weekends

just be garbage people.

Absolutely.

And, uh, since we're on the same page here,

I feel like I can admit to you that I...

never actually threw away our food.

You didn't?

- Our babies. - Yes.

Oh, Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Mmm.