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00:00:01,637 --> 00:00:05,637
♪ Family Guy 14x20 ♪
Road to India
Original Air Date on May 22, 2016
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00:00:07,310 --> 00:00:10,311
(instrumental Indian-style
version of theme song playing)
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00:00:10,335 --> 00:00:16,835
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:24,074
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00:00:27,663 --> 00:00:29,663
♪ ♪
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00:00:48,851 --> 00:00:50,818
What are you
doing over there?
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00:00:50,853 --> 00:00:52,486
I'm on hold
with tech support.
8
00:00:52,521 --> 00:00:53,821
My computer locked up
right in the middle
9
00:00:53,856 --> 00:00:55,155
of this story
I'm working on.
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00:00:55,191 --> 00:00:57,524
God, even Microsoft Word
hates your writing.
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00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,526
WOMAN (Indian accent): Thank you
for holding. How can I help you?
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00:00:59,562 --> 00:01:02,529
Well, for starters, you can keep
talking with that lovely accent.
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00:01:02,565 --> 00:01:05,532
Amazing. One second of a
stranger's voice on a phone
14
00:01:05,568 --> 00:01:07,534
and you've got
full Bollywood.
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00:01:07,570 --> 00:01:09,870
I... I assume
she's in India.
16
00:01:09,905 --> 00:01:10,871
Your friend is correct.
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00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,206
I am in India.
18
00:01:12,241 --> 00:01:14,541
But you sound like
a perfect gentleman to me.
19
00:01:14,577 --> 00:01:15,876
My name is Padma.
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00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:17,878
Padma. That was
my mother's name.
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00:01:17,913 --> 00:01:20,047
(sighs) I'm gonna get
an English muffin.
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00:01:20,082 --> 00:01:21,715
So what seems to be the problem?
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00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:23,384
Well, one problem I have
24
00:01:23,419 --> 00:01:25,052
is that I have too much money.
(chuckles)
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00:01:25,087 --> 00:01:27,054
Then why don't you just
buy a new computer?
26
00:01:27,089 --> 00:01:28,389
What? I-I...
27
00:01:28,424 --> 00:01:30,391
(chuckles) Oh, I'm just
bursting your balls.
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00:01:30,426 --> 00:01:31,725
(laughing):
Oh!
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00:01:31,761 --> 00:01:33,727
Well, you're a feisty one.
(chuckles)
30
00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:35,396
Uh, actually, my computer froze
31
00:01:35,431 --> 00:01:37,064
right in the middle
of a story I'm writing.
32
00:01:37,099 --> 00:01:38,399
Oh, you are a writer?
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00:01:38,434 --> 00:01:39,733
Are you famous?
34
00:01:39,769 --> 00:01:41,235
By choice, no. No.
35
00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:43,570
Sometimes fame brings
a lot of unwanted attention.
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00:01:43,606 --> 00:01:45,406
I mean, look at
William Shakespeare.
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00:01:45,441 --> 00:01:47,408
William Shakespeare.
Aye.
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00:01:47,443 --> 00:01:48,676
Nice collar,
you fruit.
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00:01:48,711 --> 00:01:49,677
Thank ye.
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00:01:49,712 --> 00:01:50,744
Hey, Shakespeare.
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00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:52,413
What's the title
of your next play?
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00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:55,082
You should call it
Homosexual Collar Guy.
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00:01:55,117 --> 00:01:57,751
Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me
to the quick, squire.
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00:01:57,787 --> 00:01:59,086
What does that
even mean?
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00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:00,087
I know.
46
00:02:00,122 --> 00:02:01,755
It means, "I use
this collar as a bib
47
00:02:01,791 --> 00:02:03,424
for when I
service guys."
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00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:05,125
Thank ye, thank ye.
49
00:02:07,763 --> 00:02:09,129
So, how'd you
like the collar?
50
00:02:09,165 --> 00:02:11,165
'Tis not for me.
51
00:02:14,870 --> 00:02:16,437
(knocking on door)
52
00:02:17,807 --> 00:02:19,440
Huh, there's no one there.
53
00:02:19,475 --> 00:02:20,941
Must have been
some kids knocking.
54
00:02:20,976 --> 00:02:22,276
Down here, Lois.
55
00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:24,278
Oh, for God's
sake, Joe.
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00:02:24,313 --> 00:02:26,947
Can't you put a tall flag on the
back of your chair or something?
57
00:02:26,982 --> 00:02:30,951
I apologize for the difficulty
my paralysis causes you.
58
00:02:30,986 --> 00:02:32,720
Hey, Peter. Good news.
59
00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:34,722
Bonnie's out of town,
so I have an extra ticket
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00:02:34,757 --> 00:02:37,725
for Tuesday night bingo
down at the Allendale Mill.
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00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,393
Why the hell would I
want to go to bingo?
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00:02:39,428 --> 00:02:40,728
Oh, it's a blast.
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00:02:40,763 --> 00:02:43,397
There's the thrill of the game,
people bring snacks,
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00:02:43,432 --> 00:02:45,733
plus you'll hear some
pretty unfiltered opinions
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00:02:45,768 --> 00:02:47,735
about those jokers
in Washington.
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00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:49,870
Yeah, that sounds
perfectly terrible.
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00:02:49,905 --> 00:02:51,205
You know what, Joe?
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00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,873
Peter would love
to go with you.
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00:02:52,908 --> 00:02:54,208
What?!
Terrific.
70
00:02:54,243 --> 00:02:56,110
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
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00:02:56,145 --> 00:02:57,444
What'd you do that for?!
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00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:58,779
Peter, he's your friend.
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00:02:58,814 --> 00:03:00,781
Who knows?
It might be fun.
74
00:03:00,816 --> 00:03:02,449
(sighs)
All right, I'll go.
75
00:03:02,485 --> 00:03:03,784
But I'm not happy.
76
00:03:03,819 --> 00:03:06,286
You know how much I hate
being told what to do.
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00:03:06,322 --> 00:03:07,654
(toilet flushes)
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00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,767
You know, Padma,
I love Indian food.
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00:03:19,802 --> 00:03:22,603
But I'd have to say my least
favorite curry is Ann.
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00:03:22,638 --> 00:03:23,771
(chuckles)
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00:03:23,806 --> 00:03:25,773
She's... she's
a newscaster here.
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00:03:25,808 --> 00:03:27,775
I... I wish I could have
slipped that in earlier.
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00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,109
PADMA:
Oh, no, I know her.
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00:03:29,145 --> 00:03:31,111
She's internationally despised.
85
00:03:31,147 --> 00:03:33,113
So, are you done rebooting?
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00:03:33,149 --> 00:03:35,449
Look, (sighs) uh,
I have to come clean.
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00:03:35,484 --> 00:03:38,786
Um, my computer wasn't
actually broken this time.
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00:03:38,821 --> 00:03:41,121
Uh, I just wanted
to talk to you again.
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00:03:41,157 --> 00:03:43,157
I like talking
to you, too, Brian.
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00:03:43,192 --> 00:03:45,492
Oh, hey, is that Padma
from tech support again?
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00:03:45,528 --> 00:03:46,493
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
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00:03:46,529 --> 00:03:48,162
Oh, cool.
Ask her a question for me.
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00:03:48,197 --> 00:03:50,497
How come over there
they just talk on the phone,
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00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:51,832
and over here
they're all doctors?
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00:03:51,867 --> 00:03:53,507
Get out of here. Lois
said you're supposed
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00:03:53,536 --> 00:03:55,176
to sit on the potty
for one hour straight.
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00:03:55,204 --> 00:03:56,837
I'm taking a break.
I got bored.
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00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:58,772
And you've been on the phone
for more than an hour.
99
00:03:58,808 --> 00:04:00,274
I'm sorry.
Can you give me a sec?
100
00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:01,608
Look, I know it's crazy,
101
00:04:01,644 --> 00:04:03,610
but I honestly feel
a connection to this woman.
102
00:04:03,646 --> 00:04:05,846
More than I have
to anyone in a long time.
103
00:04:05,881 --> 00:04:08,182
That's nice, Brian, but
you're from different worlds.
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00:04:08,217 --> 00:04:09,183
She's in India.
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00:04:09,218 --> 00:04:10,317
That's a lot to overcome.
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00:04:10,352 --> 00:04:11,985
People in love can
overcome anything.
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00:04:12,021 --> 00:04:13,320
I guess you're right.
108
00:04:13,355 --> 00:04:15,689
I mean, look at
Jeb Bush and his wife.
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00:04:15,724 --> 00:04:18,325
Honey, do you think
I'll ever be president?
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00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,462
No, no, no.
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00:04:21,497 --> 00:04:22,463
Stewie!
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00:04:22,498 --> 00:04:23,630
What? It's just a joke.
113
00:04:23,666 --> 00:04:24,798
Yeah, but come on.
114
00:04:24,834 --> 00:04:26,133
Look it up, man.
Google her.
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00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:28,235
I know what
she looks like.
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00:04:33,342 --> 00:04:36,310
Oh, I see you came
with the Big Cheese.
117
00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:37,311
What?
118
00:04:37,346 --> 00:04:38,312
You?
119
00:04:38,347 --> 00:04:39,646
You're the Big Cheese?
120
00:04:39,682 --> 00:04:40,981
I usually bring
a variety wheel
121
00:04:41,016 --> 00:04:42,649
of Laughing Cow cheese.
122
00:04:42,685 --> 00:04:44,985
(laughing):
Laughing Cow!
123
00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:47,054
That's got to be
a happy farm, right?
124
00:04:47,089 --> 00:04:48,755
(laughing)
125
00:04:48,791 --> 00:04:50,757
Oh, you just must be
cracking up all the time
126
00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,426
hanging out
with this one.
127
00:04:52,461 --> 00:04:54,761
Look, ma'am, I don't know
what signals Joe is sending out,
128
00:04:54,797 --> 00:04:55,996
but I'm married.
129
00:04:56,031 --> 00:04:58,665
G-49.
130
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:01,001
Hey, and you're
already on the board.
131
00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:02,669
You're a natural at this.
132
00:05:02,705 --> 00:05:06,006
Oh, and fair warning,
when they call O-69,
133
00:05:06,041 --> 00:05:10,010
I say, "Oh, my! Ooh-la-la!"
134
00:05:10,045 --> 00:05:11,345
(laughs)
135
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,679
Yeah, really
funny, Joe.
136
00:05:12,715 --> 00:05:14,014
Or-or how about
this one?
137
00:05:14,049 --> 00:05:17,551
"Oh... my God, I want to
kill myself right now."
138
00:05:17,586 --> 00:05:18,886
All right, I got
to get through this.
139
00:05:18,921 --> 00:05:20,387
I'm just gonna go
to my happy place.
140
00:05:20,422 --> 00:05:22,055
Go to your happy place, Peter.
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00:05:22,091 --> 00:05:24,057
♪ ♪
142
00:05:24,093 --> 00:05:27,461
PETER: Oh, and you're wearing
the necklace I gave you.
143
00:05:28,531 --> 00:05:30,931
Well, if I were you,
I'd sure be excited.
144
00:05:30,966 --> 00:05:33,267
You're only one number away
from having a bingo.
145
00:05:33,302 --> 00:05:34,268
I am?
146
00:05:34,303 --> 00:05:35,269
What, you mean
if they call...
147
00:05:35,304 --> 00:05:37,404
CALLER:
O-74.
148
00:05:37,439 --> 00:05:38,705
(gasps)
149
00:05:38,741 --> 00:05:41,942
Bingo!
150
00:05:41,977 --> 00:05:43,944
You were right, Joe,
this is awesome.
151
00:05:43,979 --> 00:05:45,612
I've never won anything.
152
00:05:45,648 --> 00:05:48,215
Well, except for when I won
that "Tori Spelling Bee."
153
00:05:48,250 --> 00:05:51,785
Peter, your word is "equine."
154
00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:54,121
ANNOUNCER: Peter reached this
round by accurately spelling
155
00:05:54,156 --> 00:05:57,925
"collagen," "repulsive"
and "botched."
156
00:06:01,463 --> 00:06:03,330
God, I can't believe
you're still at work, Padma.
157
00:06:03,365 --> 00:06:04,665
It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.
158
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:05,999
PADMA:
No, it is noon here.
159
00:06:06,035 --> 00:06:07,501
Do you not know
about time zones?
160
00:06:07,536 --> 00:06:08,835
Oh, uh, yeah, oh, that's right.
161
00:06:08,871 --> 00:06:10,504
You guys are on metric.
162
00:06:10,539 --> 00:06:11,838
Oh, you're in here?
163
00:06:11,874 --> 00:06:13,173
Yeah, I'm on the phone.
164
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,175
Is, uh, is Chris down
in the laundry room?
165
00:06:15,210 --> 00:06:16,343
Yeah, I think so.
166
00:06:16,378 --> 00:06:18,011
(sighs) Okay, looks
like this is gonna be
167
00:06:18,047 --> 00:06:20,013
a stander-upper
in the garage.
168
00:06:20,049 --> 00:06:21,014
Uh-oh, six percent.
169
00:06:21,050 --> 00:06:22,149
Better hustle.
170
00:06:22,184 --> 00:06:24,151
It's so nice to talk
to you, Brian.
171
00:06:24,186 --> 00:06:25,819
You make me feel wonderful.
172
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:27,821
God, if only you
weren't so far away.
173
00:06:27,856 --> 00:06:29,823
I wish I could just somehow
magically appear there
174
00:06:29,858 --> 00:06:31,158
and meet you in person.
175
00:06:31,193 --> 00:06:33,827
Oh, Brian, that would
be like a dream.
176
00:06:33,862 --> 00:06:34,828
Okay, I should go.
177
00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:36,830
I have 11,000 people on hold.
178
00:06:36,865 --> 00:06:38,498
Good-bye, Padma.
179
00:06:38,534 --> 00:06:39,833
What the hell's
going on?
180
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:41,168
Somebody's screaming
in the garage.
181
00:06:41,203 --> 00:06:42,502
Why are you still up?
182
00:06:42,538 --> 00:06:43,837
Because I'm in love.
183
00:06:43,872 --> 00:06:45,172
Oh, with that
Indian chick?
184
00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:46,506
What was her
name? Dot?
185
00:06:46,542 --> 00:06:48,175
No, it's not Dot,
it's Padma.
186
00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:50,010
And I have to be with her.
187
00:06:50,045 --> 00:06:52,512
Stewie, I'm going to India.
188
00:06:52,548 --> 00:06:54,181
(gasps) Oh, my God,
I'm going with you.
189
00:06:54,216 --> 00:06:56,717
My yoga class will
be so jealous.
190
00:06:56,752 --> 00:06:59,386
Hey, everyone, the guy
I told you about, Brian,
191
00:06:59,421 --> 00:07:01,388
he's taking me to India!
192
00:07:01,423 --> 00:07:03,523
(squealing)
Oh, my God!
193
00:07:06,142 --> 00:07:08,142
(Indian music playing)
194
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,824
We finally made
it, Brian.
195
00:07:23,859 --> 00:07:24,824
We're in India.
196
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,826
Excuse me, man with no pupil,
197
00:07:26,862 --> 00:07:29,496
where can we get
a taxicab around here?
198
00:07:29,531 --> 00:07:30,830
All right,
let's do it, Stewie.
199
00:07:30,866 --> 00:07:32,165
Let's go find Padma.
200
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,834
Shouldn't be hard in this
dreamy land of wonder.
201
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,838
I can already smell the
enlightenment and tranquility.
202
00:07:37,873 --> 00:07:38,838
(inhales)
203
00:07:38,874 --> 00:07:40,874
(indistinct chatter)
204
00:07:42,645 --> 00:07:44,945
(coughing)
205
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:46,946
This is wonderful,
isn't it, Brian?
206
00:07:46,982 --> 00:07:48,648
It's so tranquil,
I'm tearing up.
207
00:07:48,683 --> 00:07:50,150
Come on, I think
I see a cab
208
00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:52,185
with less than
nine people in it.
209
00:07:57,392 --> 00:07:59,025
All right,
it's winning time.
210
00:07:59,060 --> 00:08:00,693
Let's get this show
on the road.
211
00:08:00,729 --> 00:08:02,362
After all, it's not
called "bing-stop,"
212
00:08:02,397 --> 00:08:04,364
it's called "bing-go!"
213
00:08:04,399 --> 00:08:05,365
(laughing)
214
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,699
That's very clever.
215
00:08:06,735 --> 00:08:08,701
Yeah, and, uh...
uh, maybe if I win,
216
00:08:08,737 --> 00:08:10,703
I'll yell, "bing-Joe."
217
00:08:10,739 --> 00:08:11,871
Don't force it, Joe.
218
00:08:11,907 --> 00:08:13,039
Yeah, be quiet, Joe.
219
00:08:13,074 --> 00:08:14,541
Me and the gang are trying
to hear our numbers.
220
00:08:14,576 --> 00:08:15,875
"You" and the gang?
221
00:08:15,911 --> 00:08:17,043
I'm the one who
brought you here.
222
00:08:17,078 --> 00:08:18,211
Yeah, well, you
know something?
223
00:08:18,246 --> 00:08:19,879
The Mayflower also
brought fungus,
224
00:08:19,915 --> 00:08:21,548
which then became
the Potato Famine.
225
00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:23,216
What the hell are
you talking about?
226
00:08:23,251 --> 00:08:24,717
I don't know, I've had,
like, four Ensures.
227
00:08:24,753 --> 00:08:26,052
I'm out of my mind.
228
00:08:26,087 --> 00:08:28,721
Peter, I brought you here
to have fun, not take over.
229
00:08:28,757 --> 00:08:30,390
Look, Joe, I'm a
little busy right now,
230
00:08:30,425 --> 00:08:32,725
so I'm gonna have the Somali
pirate from Captain Phillips
231
00:08:32,761 --> 00:08:34,060
tell you something.
232
00:08:34,095 --> 00:08:36,062
Joe, look at me.
233
00:08:36,097 --> 00:08:37,730
Look at me.
234
00:08:37,766 --> 00:08:39,766
He is the bingo captain now.
235
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,276
I tell you, I love
it here, Brian.
236
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,611
The sounds,
the colors.
237
00:08:51,646 --> 00:08:52,946
You know, this is
where the Beatles came
238
00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:54,280
to ruin their music.
239
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,281
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
240
00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,416
Anyway, Padma works
in Bangalore,
241
00:08:56,451 --> 00:08:58,284
so we got to hurry
and catch the train.
242
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,553
(sighs) Can't believe
we're really in India.
243
00:09:00,589 --> 00:09:01,621
Oh, look over there.
244
00:09:01,656 --> 00:09:02,622
There's cute little
kids are playing
245
00:09:02,657 --> 00:09:04,424
Cowboys and Indians
and Indians.
246
00:09:04,459 --> 00:09:06,092
I'm gonna shoot you
with my six-gun.
247
00:09:06,127 --> 00:09:08,094
I'm gonna shoot you
with my bow and arrow.
248
00:09:08,129 --> 00:09:09,762
I'm just going to stand
here wearing a shirt
249
00:09:09,798 --> 00:09:11,598
that appears
to be a jacket.
250
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,633
♪ ♪
251
00:09:19,241 --> 00:09:21,541
Do you think all those
chickens had to buy tickets?
252
00:09:21,576 --> 00:09:23,209
I don't know,
but I'm starving.
253
00:09:23,245 --> 00:09:25,945
What I wouldn't give right now
for a big juicy steak.
254
00:09:25,981 --> 00:09:27,113
How dare you?
255
00:09:27,148 --> 00:09:28,781
To us, cows
are sacred!
256
00:09:28,817 --> 00:09:30,783
That's right, you
are disrespecting
257
00:09:30,819 --> 00:09:32,118
our entire culture.
258
00:09:32,153 --> 00:09:35,421
And why did Wes Anderson come
here to make his worst movie?
259
00:09:35,457 --> 00:09:37,757
Stewie, what do we do?
Quick, hit the red buttons!
260
00:09:42,497 --> 00:09:44,130
Wow, that came in handy.
Yeah.
261
00:09:44,165 --> 00:09:45,965
Now let's get out of here.
Let's see what their wieners look like.
262
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:47,634
Yeah. Yeah, no,
let's get out of here.
263
00:09:51,206 --> 00:09:53,172
Okay, I'm off to bingo.
264
00:09:53,208 --> 00:09:54,507
Peter, what are
you wearing?
265
00:09:54,543 --> 00:09:56,175
Oh, you mean
my bingo cape?
266
00:09:56,211 --> 00:09:57,844
That's our holiday
tablecloth.
267
00:09:57,879 --> 00:10:00,179
I'm sorry, Lois, but my
people have come to expect
268
00:10:00,215 --> 00:10:02,181
a certain degree of pageantry.
269
00:10:02,217 --> 00:10:03,516
Don't wait up.
270
00:10:03,552 --> 00:10:04,851
We may go to Denny's.
271
00:10:04,886 --> 00:10:06,286
Is Joe going with you?
272
00:10:06,321 --> 00:10:07,620
Oh, "Crybaby Joe"?
273
00:10:07,656 --> 00:10:08,955
Nah, he doesn't come anymore.
274
00:10:08,990 --> 00:10:10,623
I think he resents my skill.
275
00:10:10,659 --> 00:10:12,559
Peter, bingo was
Joe's favorite thing.
276
00:10:12,594 --> 00:10:14,627
Now, you go over there
and take him with you,
277
00:10:14,663 --> 00:10:15,962
or I don't want
you going at all.
278
00:10:15,997 --> 00:10:17,964
Hey, hey, hey, don't try
to take this away from me.
279
00:10:17,999 --> 00:10:19,966
This is the only thing
I've ever been good at.
280
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:22,769
Well, this and timing
my farts to a thunderstorm.
281
00:10:22,804 --> 00:10:24,871
Why don't we all go ahead and
turn to page six in the handout?
282
00:10:24,906 --> 00:10:26,873
(thunder crashes)
Ah...
283
00:10:26,908 --> 00:10:28,942
The first thing you're
gonna notice is a bar graph.
284
00:10:28,977 --> 00:10:31,644
And what that is is to indicate
our international sales,
285
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,179
(thunder crashes)
286
00:10:33,214 --> 00:10:34,548
which peaked, of course,
- Oh, yeah.
287
00:10:34,573 --> 00:10:35,283
during the last quarter.
288
00:10:35,283 --> 00:10:37,417
But now we're expecting
that to drop off
289
00:10:37,452 --> 00:10:39,018
as we enter the
colder weather.
290
00:10:39,054 --> 00:10:41,020
(farts)
291
00:10:41,056 --> 00:10:42,755
(thunder crashes)
292
00:10:42,791 --> 00:10:44,824
The storm's moving away.
293
00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:46,859
(horn honking)
(indistinct chatter)
294
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:49,762
(flies buzzing)
295
00:10:49,798 --> 00:10:50,830
We made it!
296
00:10:50,865 --> 00:10:52,198
This is where Padma works!
297
00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:55,835
I feel like I owe every bus
in America an apology.
298
00:10:58,206 --> 00:10:59,639
So, we haven't discussed
what you're going
299
00:10:59,674 --> 00:11:00,940
to do if she's a pig.
300
00:11:00,976 --> 00:11:02,342
She's already
beautiful to me.
301
00:11:02,377 --> 00:11:04,911
And you know,
we'll see.
302
00:11:10,285 --> 00:11:13,686
(indistinct chatter)
303
00:11:13,722 --> 00:11:15,588
My God, how you
gonna find her?
304
00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:17,064
There are hundreds
of people in here.
305
00:11:17,092 --> 00:11:19,492
Don't worry, I
thought of that.
306
00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:20,827
PADMA: Thank you
for calling tech support.
307
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:21,995
How can I help you?
308
00:11:22,030 --> 00:11:23,030
I'll tell you how.
309
00:11:23,064 --> 00:11:24,297
Stand on your desk.
310
00:11:24,332 --> 00:11:25,332
Brian?
311
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,666
Padma, just do it.
312
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:29,836
Oh, boy.
313
00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:31,170
Are you Padma?
314
00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:32,739
No, I am Ranita.
315
00:11:32,774 --> 00:11:34,774
There is a python in my cube.
316
00:11:36,978 --> 00:11:38,578
Brian?
317
00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:39,545
Padma!
318
00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:40,747
I can't believe this!
319
00:11:40,782 --> 00:11:42,215
Why are you here?
320
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,417
Because I was having
a technical issue
321
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:45,852
with my heart.
322
00:11:45,887 --> 00:11:47,453
Ugh, 16 hours on a plane,
323
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,288
and that's what you
came up with?
324
00:11:49,324 --> 00:11:51,691
I am touched you came
all this way to see me.
325
00:11:51,726 --> 00:11:53,326
I'm so glad I did.
326
00:11:53,361 --> 00:11:56,329
You're even more beautiful
than I imagined.
327
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,933
Well, I have to admit
you two do make a cute couple.
328
00:12:00,969 --> 00:12:04,237
But then again, so did Chris
Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
329
00:12:04,272 --> 00:12:06,005
Do you take this woman
to lecture you
330
00:12:06,041 --> 00:12:08,708
about trans fats for as long
as you both shall live?
331
00:12:08,743 --> 00:12:09,976
I do.
332
00:12:10,011 --> 00:12:11,544
And do you take this man to be
333
00:12:11,579 --> 00:12:14,113
a watered-down Bono
until death do you part?
334
00:12:14,149 --> 00:12:15,448
I do.
335
00:12:15,483 --> 00:12:17,483
I now pronounce you
pretentious and terrible.
336
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:20,486
You may name your daughter
after a fruit.
337
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,721
(animals bleating)
338
00:12:21,756 --> 00:12:23,756
(indistinct chatter)
339
00:12:26,327 --> 00:12:27,660
So, this is my town.
340
00:12:27,696 --> 00:12:29,462
I have lived here
my whole life.
341
00:12:29,497 --> 00:12:31,998
Well, if you were born here,
then it must be a magical place.
342
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:33,800
Yes, let's go get
sandwiches
343
00:12:33,835 --> 00:12:36,235
at that New Delhi
I keep hearing about.
344
00:12:36,271 --> 00:12:37,737
(plays two rimshots)
345
00:12:37,772 --> 00:12:39,772
Thanks, Ganesha.
346
00:12:39,808 --> 00:12:42,008
I am so happy
that you are here.
347
00:12:42,043 --> 00:12:45,078
In fact, my family is
having a big party tonight.
348
00:12:45,113 --> 00:12:47,313
You must both come
as my guests.
349
00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:48,748
Oh, an Indian party!
350
00:12:48,783 --> 00:12:50,817
I hope they play that one song
with the shrieking, nasal,
351
00:12:50,852 --> 00:12:54,487
atonal woman over the bongos
and tambourines.
352
00:12:54,522 --> 00:12:57,490
(woman singing atonally)
353
00:13:02,897 --> 00:13:04,063
You seem nervous.
354
00:13:04,099 --> 00:13:05,898
Are you worried
about meeting Padma's family?
355
00:13:05,934 --> 00:13:07,734
Yeah. Well, that,
and this is always
356
00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:09,469
what it looks
like on Homeland
357
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:10,904
right before there's
a drone strike.
358
00:13:10,939 --> 00:13:13,673
Oh, my, you both
look so elegant.
359
00:13:13,708 --> 00:13:16,008
Thanks, I did a little
shopping today.
360
00:13:16,044 --> 00:13:17,477
Not me.
Mine is actually
361
00:13:17,512 --> 00:13:19,245
an Aladdin costume
from last Halloween.
362
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,114
I never travel without it.
363
00:13:21,149 --> 00:13:22,782
(dinging)
364
00:13:22,817 --> 00:13:24,083
Family, guests,
365
00:13:24,119 --> 00:13:26,886
and monkeys who have
wandered in to steal fruit,
366
00:13:26,921 --> 00:13:30,656
it is my honor to welcome you
to this engagement celebration.
367
00:13:30,692 --> 00:13:31,692
Oh, "engagement"?
368
00:13:31,726 --> 00:13:33,025
So, who's getting married?
369
00:13:33,061 --> 00:13:34,293
I am.
370
00:13:34,329 --> 00:13:36,129
What?!
371
00:13:36,164 --> 00:13:37,930
Padma, my beloved daughter.
372
00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:40,166
Dhiraj, my future son-in-law.
373
00:13:40,201 --> 00:13:42,468
Please, come
and meet one another.
374
00:13:42,504 --> 00:13:44,170
Welp, that's a Punjab
to the figs.
375
00:13:44,205 --> 00:13:46,038
Where's the bar?
376
00:13:47,475 --> 00:13:49,709
Everyone, you are all
so kind to come tonight,
377
00:13:49,744 --> 00:13:52,311
and it is so nice
to meet you, Dhiraj.
378
00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:56,082
But something happened today,
and I can no longer marry you.
379
00:13:56,117 --> 00:13:57,650
Padma, what is it?
380
00:13:57,685 --> 00:13:59,519
My true love is here tonight.
381
00:13:59,554 --> 00:14:01,921
He has come to me
all the way from America.
382
00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:04,190
His name is Brian Griffin.
383
00:14:04,225 --> 00:14:06,559
And my heart belongs to him.
384
00:14:06,594 --> 00:14:09,495
(all gasp)
385
00:14:09,531 --> 00:14:11,030
Quick, everyone's
looking at the dog!
386
00:14:11,065 --> 00:14:12,832
Go, go, go!
387
00:14:17,669 --> 00:14:20,036
Padma, you cannot
call off the wedding!
388
00:14:20,071 --> 00:14:23,373
I have already paid a large
dowry to Dhiraj's family!
389
00:14:23,408 --> 00:14:25,508
But it would be wrong
to marry someone I do not love.
390
00:14:25,544 --> 00:14:28,077
The one I love is Brian.
391
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:30,980
Sir, what if I were to repay you
for all you've spent?
392
00:14:31,016 --> 00:14:33,716
Would Padma then be free
to marry whoever she wanted?
393
00:14:33,752 --> 00:14:34,951
(gasps)
Brian!
394
00:14:34,986 --> 00:14:36,085
You would do that?
395
00:14:36,121 --> 00:14:37,921
Yes.
I love you, Padma,
396
00:14:37,956 --> 00:14:40,223
and-and I'd do anything
to be with you.
397
00:14:40,258 --> 00:14:42,225
I suppose that
might be possible.
398
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:44,127
Great, just give me
a chance to raise the money,
399
00:14:44,162 --> 00:14:46,095
so I can marry your daughter
and make her happy.
400
00:14:46,131 --> 00:14:48,965
Oh, so you don't
have the money?
401
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,302
He's holding onto an Applebee's
gift card with $1.62 on it.
402
00:14:52,337 --> 00:14:54,070
I do not know
Applebee's.
403
00:14:54,105 --> 00:14:56,172
Is it like our
Colonel Chutney's?
404
00:14:56,208 --> 00:14:57,874
Does Colonel Chutney's
make you sick?
405
00:14:57,909 --> 00:14:59,008
Not every time.
406
00:14:59,044 --> 00:15:01,044
Then, no,
it's very different.
407
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:06,716
I mean, my wife and I have
never said the words
408
00:15:06,751 --> 00:15:08,218
"open marriage," but...
409
00:15:08,253 --> 00:15:09,486
Oh, hey, Lois!
410
00:15:09,521 --> 00:15:11,187
Peter, it's time
to come home
411
00:15:11,223 --> 00:15:13,690
and give Joe back
his stupid little activity.
412
00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:15,758
I appreciate that,
Lois.
413
00:15:15,794 --> 00:15:16,960
First of all, this
is my favorite thing
414
00:15:16,995 --> 00:15:18,695
in the world now, so no.
415
00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:20,463
And second of all, we're
about to play a new round,
416
00:15:20,499 --> 00:15:21,764
so start taking
your pants off,
417
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,333
'cause when I win,
I want you ready.
418
00:15:23,368 --> 00:15:24,901
Peter, if it wasn't for Joe,
419
00:15:24,936 --> 00:15:26,803
you wouldn't know
about bingo anyway.
420
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:30,273
This meant everything to him,
and you've taken it away.
421
00:15:30,308 --> 00:15:32,442
As a friend, do the right thing
422
00:15:32,477 --> 00:15:35,245
and give Joe back
the happiness he found here.
423
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,815
(sad music playing)
424
00:15:41,353 --> 00:15:44,654
Joe, gag on my fat dauber.
425
00:15:45,957 --> 00:15:47,690
Damn it, I didn't want
to have to do this,
426
00:15:47,726 --> 00:15:49,325
but you've left
me no choice!
427
00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:51,194
Kids, get in here!
428
00:15:51,229 --> 00:15:52,795
Yay! Time with Dad!
429
00:15:52,831 --> 00:15:55,632
That's a bingo for me!
430
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,400
All right,
how do you play?
431
00:15:57,435 --> 00:15:58,835
"Free space"?!
432
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,703
Wow! What's that about?!
433
00:16:00,739 --> 00:16:02,105
I call I sit
next to Dad!
434
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:03,339
(sighs)
435
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:04,541
All right, forget this.
436
00:16:04,576 --> 00:16:05,708
Let's all go home and each do
437
00:16:05,744 --> 00:16:07,744
our own individual media things.
438
00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:12,148
(Indian music playing)
(indistinct chatter)
439
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:15,518
Stewie, I don't think
this is gonna work.
440
00:16:15,554 --> 00:16:16,986
We're never gonna
raise enough money
441
00:16:17,022 --> 00:16:18,621
to pay back
Padma's father.
442
00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:20,423
Trust me, Brian, there are
a billion people here,
443
00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:22,692
and almost every one
of them has a tapeworm.
444
00:16:22,727 --> 00:16:24,594
Yes, excuse me,
I have a tapeworm.
445
00:16:24,629 --> 00:16:26,396
All right, very good.
Lie down on your stomach.
446
00:16:26,431 --> 00:16:28,431
This won't hurt a bit.
447
00:16:34,706 --> 00:16:36,406
Hey, how are you guys?
448
00:16:36,441 --> 00:16:37,640
Oh, you're a lady.
449
00:16:37,676 --> 00:16:38,808
And you sound
American.
450
00:16:38,843 --> 00:16:40,209
How long have you
been in there?
451
00:16:40,245 --> 00:16:42,078
I originally just came
for my junior year,
452
00:16:42,113 --> 00:16:45,582
but I fell in love
with the place.
453
00:16:45,617 --> 00:16:47,350
Stewie, there's no way
I'm sitting here all day
454
00:16:47,385 --> 00:16:49,419
watching tapeworms
come out of butts.
455
00:16:49,454 --> 00:16:51,187
I'm doomed.
456
00:16:51,222 --> 00:16:53,523
I'll never be able
to pay for Padma's dowry.
457
00:16:53,558 --> 00:16:54,824
I don't understand.
458
00:16:54,859 --> 00:16:57,093
In movies, everything in India
always turns out great.
459
00:16:57,128 --> 00:16:59,929
Julia Roberts ate or loved
or prayed or something.
460
00:16:59,965 --> 00:17:01,664
I don't, I don't know.
I didn't see it.
461
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:02,732
Wait a minute!
462
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:04,400
Movies about India.
463
00:17:04,436 --> 00:17:06,836
I know how I can make the money!
464
00:17:06,871 --> 00:17:08,738
♪ ♪
465
00:17:08,773 --> 00:17:10,840
Who wants to be
466
00:17:10,875 --> 00:17:13,242
a millionaire?
467
00:17:14,613 --> 00:17:17,780
Our next contestant comes
all the way from America!
468
00:17:17,816 --> 00:17:20,750
Brian Griffin!
469
00:17:20,785 --> 00:17:22,685
What brings you to India, Brian?
470
00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:23,853
I'll tell you what brought me.
471
00:17:23,888 --> 00:17:25,021
True love.
472
00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:26,923
STEWIE:
He's breaking up a marriage!
473
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:30,693
All right, let's get started.
474
00:17:30,729 --> 00:17:33,696
First question--
"Which retired Indian cricketer
475
00:17:33,732 --> 00:17:35,865
"has scored over
18,000 runs
476
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,767
in ODI competition?"
477
00:17:37,802 --> 00:17:39,502
Um, O...?
Wha...?
478
00:17:39,537 --> 00:17:41,771
O-ODI?
What?
479
00:17:41,806 --> 00:17:44,073
Is it A) Anil Kumble,
480
00:17:44,109 --> 00:17:46,976
B) Mahendra Singh Dhoni,
481
00:17:47,012 --> 00:17:49,979
C) Sachin Tendulkar,
482
00:17:50,015 --> 00:17:52,415
or D) Jiminy Cricket?
483
00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:55,451
Well, I know, I know
it's not Jiminy Cricket.
484
00:17:55,487 --> 00:17:58,655
Unless Jiminy's
based on a real person.
485
00:17:58,690 --> 00:17:59,889
I need an answer.
486
00:17:59,924 --> 00:18:00,923
You know, the more I say it,
487
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,358
the more it does sound Indian.
488
00:18:02,394 --> 00:18:03,693
(Indian accent):
Jiminy Cricket.
489
00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:06,729
D) Jiminy Cricket, final answer.
490
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,034
I'm sorry,
that is incorrect.
491
00:18:11,069 --> 00:18:12,502
Thank you for playing!
492
00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:13,836
We'll be right back
493
00:18:13,872 --> 00:18:16,506
after this message
from the Indian Census Bureau.
494
00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:17,607
Too many people!
495
00:18:17,642 --> 00:18:19,442
Stop with the people!
496
00:18:22,647 --> 00:18:24,013
Padma, I'm sorry.
497
00:18:24,049 --> 00:18:25,381
I still haven't
raised the money.
498
00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:26,649
But I'm working on it.
499
00:18:26,685 --> 00:18:28,084
There is no longer a need.
500
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:29,752
My father has
solved the problem
501
00:18:29,788 --> 00:18:32,355
by promising Dhiraj
the hand of my younger sister.
502
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:34,357
Oh, Padma, I meant
to ask you, are there, like,
503
00:18:34,392 --> 00:18:36,292
Bengal tigers just
running loose in the cities?
504
00:18:36,327 --> 00:18:37,627
I don't know.
505
00:18:37,662 --> 00:18:39,462
In America, are there
annoying talking babies
506
00:18:39,497 --> 00:18:40,997
always interrupting?
507
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:42,999
Okay, it's been
a long trip.
508
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,334
Let's not say anything
we're gonna regret.
509
00:18:45,370 --> 00:18:47,470
Wait a minute, so if,
if Dhiraj is marrying
510
00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:49,639
your sister, that means
we can be together!
511
00:18:49,674 --> 00:18:51,674
Actually, about that.
512
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:54,477
I think watching you try to
answer that question out there,
513
00:18:54,512 --> 00:18:56,312
I realized something.
514
00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,548
You know nothing
of my country or my culture.
515
00:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,483
Well, tha-that was a
really tough question.
516
00:19:00,518 --> 00:19:01,884
No, it wasn't.
517
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,621
Everyone in India knows
who Sachin Tendulkar is.
518
00:19:05,657 --> 00:19:08,357
Brian, I am deeply touched
that you came all this way
519
00:19:08,393 --> 00:19:10,860
to find me,
but the truth is, you and I
520
00:19:10,895 --> 00:19:12,628
have very little in common.
521
00:19:12,664 --> 00:19:13,763
Well, I could learn!
522
00:19:13,798 --> 00:19:15,331
I mean, I mean,
there's got to be
523
00:19:15,366 --> 00:19:17,834
an old Carmen Sandiego episode
on India or something.
524
00:19:17,869 --> 00:19:20,069
STEWIE:
Brian, Brian, punt, punt.
525
00:19:20,105 --> 00:19:21,771
I know you would try,
Brian.
526
00:19:21,806 --> 00:19:23,239
But when I look
inside myself,
527
00:19:23,274 --> 00:19:25,641
I realize I do not
want to marry you.
528
00:19:25,677 --> 00:19:28,277
Mostly, I just did not
want to marry Dhiraj.
529
00:19:28,313 --> 00:19:30,213
I am so sorry.
530
00:19:30,248 --> 00:19:33,182
Have I answered all of your
questions to your satisfaction?
531
00:19:33,218 --> 00:19:35,451
No! I came halfway
around the world for you!
532
00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,086
You said I was your true love!
533
00:19:37,122 --> 00:19:38,554
Well, by coming here,
534
00:19:38,590 --> 00:19:40,990
you saved me from a lifetime
of unhappiness.
535
00:19:41,025 --> 00:19:44,026
And I will always
love you for that.
536
00:19:44,062 --> 00:19:46,062
Good-bye, Brian.
537
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:50,166
A peck on the cheek?
538
00:19:50,201 --> 00:19:52,535
Was that worth
an $8,000 coach ticket?
539
00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:53,803
You know what?
540
00:19:53,838 --> 00:19:55,638
It's about the journey,
not the destination.
541
00:19:55,673 --> 00:19:56,939
No, it's not.
542
00:19:56,975 --> 00:19:58,641
This sucked
and you failed.
543
00:19:58,676 --> 00:19:59,709
Story over!
544
00:19:59,744 --> 00:20:01,043
Bollywood!
545
00:20:05,817 --> 00:20:09,385
♪ When you least expect you'llfind magic in your life ♪
546
00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:11,420
What the...?
What the hell is this?
547
00:20:11,456 --> 00:20:13,923
Oh, in India it's
traditional to do a final
548
00:20:13,958 --> 00:20:16,993
musical curtain call
over the end credits.
549
00:20:17,028 --> 00:20:20,463
♪ Brian came so far,but he never found a wife ♪
550
00:20:20,498 --> 00:20:22,131
♪ Ho-ho ♪
551
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,033
♪ Big show ♪
552
00:20:24,068 --> 00:20:25,735
♪ Ho-ho ♪
553
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:27,303
♪ Time to go ♪
554
00:20:27,338 --> 00:20:28,571
This is kind of weird.
555
00:20:28,606 --> 00:20:30,673
Come on, Brian,
just surrender to it.
556
00:20:30,708 --> 00:20:32,642
Hey, I was in the episode, too!
557
00:20:32,677 --> 00:20:34,744
♪ Bing-go! ♪
558
00:20:34,779 --> 00:20:36,145
♪ And I'm Joe ♪
559
00:20:36,181 --> 00:20:37,446
Joe is the captain again!
560
00:20:37,482 --> 00:20:40,349
All right, I'll give it a shot.
561
00:20:40,385 --> 00:20:42,218
♪ Well, I came
across the world ♪
562
00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:44,120
♪ For a very special girl... ♪
563
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,155
(Brian screaming)
564
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:50,993
Eyes forward,
finish the number.
565
00:20:51,029 --> 00:20:53,029
Ranita, finish the number!
566
00:20:54,985 --> 00:21:01,485
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
566
00:21:02,305 --> 00:21:08,488
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