Original subtitles

[SINGING MORNING PRAYERS]

[DOGS BARKING]

[HISSING]

[SCRAPING]

CHANDRA: How much?

MAN: 6 million.

But that's ridiculous.

It's worth 30.

It'll have to be split up. We'll lose 40% of it.

Enough!

What?

I am Clouseau,

and justice will be done in the name of the law.

[GUNSHOT]

[THE PINK PANTHER THEME PLAYING]

[TAP TAP]

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

[BEEPING]

[POP]

[BANG]

[CLICKING]

[BOOM]

[CLINKING]

One year ago today, inspector Jacques Clouseau,

the police academy's most illustrious graduate, disappeared.

We found it appropriate to broadcast this commemorative program

from the academy,

where a new generation of police officers

are about to receive their shields.

The question on every frenchman's mind is…

"What has happened to France's greatest detective?

Why haven't the authorities been able to solve the mystery?"

Woman: Monsieur President?

Tell the police commissioner

I want to see him.

Oui, Monsieur President.

The President himself gave the order!

And at 3:00 this morning the commissioner woke me up

to say he was putting me in charge. Me! Ha ha ha!

And I've got one month to make Operation Paragon a success.

Otherwise, I'll be back on the vice squad

staking out pissoirs for what is left of my career.

Operation Paragon?

Yes. The President's idea.

If France's greatest detective is missing,

then get the world's greatest detective to find him.

And how do you find the world's greatest detective?

By computer. [CHUCKLES]

The commissioner's idea.

Interpol has computer files

on every law enforcement agency in the world.

And I am supposed to program the computer

to select Clouseau's clone.

But Clouseau…

You and I know he was an idiot,

but the rest of the world sees him as a fearless deductive genius…

Another Sherlock Holmes…

And that's the type of man we are now looking for.

Then you have a problem.

Yes, because a man like this might find Clouseau.

A horrible thought.

What's the alternative?

I don't know.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm damned if I do…

And I'm damned if I don't.

[COMPUTERS WHIRRING]

A series 600 Huxley computer.

You can program it by voice command, you know.

Wait. Observe this.

Activate.

[BEEPING AND CLICKING]

Aldous.

Ready, Dave.

Aldous can even recognize people's voices.

Amazing. Elementary.

Chief inspector Dreyfus, Suréte,

vital statistics, please.

Coming up, Dave.

[HUMMING]

What's the delay?

Lots of material.

Just give an abbreviated version then.

All right. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus.

Born Marseilles April 1, 19…

Skip that. Skip that.

What is the subject's present occupation?

Subject's present occupation…

Chief inspector, criminal division… Suréte.

How's his health?

Last complete physical examination…

January 7th, this year.

Chronic hypertension.

May, 1978, suffered nervous breakdown

and was committed to the state mental…

Skip that bit. Sorry.

Do you want to ask him anything?

Uh… yes. Ahem.

What are the odds

that the greatest detective in the world

will find Clouseau?

Even money. Take your pick.

Well, aren't you being slightly optimistic?

Not at all.

Why? Are you afraid he'll drive you crazy again?

Cool it, Aldous.

Just responding with an obvious observation.

I hope I didn't offend you, inspector Dreyfus.

Not at all.

By the way, it's chief inspector Dreyfus.

Shame on you, Aldous.

Nobody's perfect. Have a happy day.

[KNOCKING] Yes?

Prisoner Steiger has arrived.

Show him in.

Come in.

Wait outside.

Sit down.

Maurice Steiger… 15 years for bank robbery.

Hmm.

Uh, how much was it?

About 150 million.

Give or take a few francs.

And it's never been recovered.

It must be hell sitting in prison,

dreaming about what you could do

with all that money, hmm?

It's not so bad.

I'm a model prisoner.

I come up for parole in six months.

Yes, but there's always a chance

the parole board will turn you down.

Ah, I see.

I tell you where the money is,

and you put in a good word with the parole board.

No.

Listen…

It took a computer genius to embezzle

150 million francs from the Bank of France…

And, I… ahem… have a problem

that requires a computer genius.

You help me solve that problem,

and in 6 months time you'll be a free man,

living out 150 million dreams. Ha ha ha!

Give or take a few dreams.

What's your problem?

Can you rig a computer

so that no matter what I program into it

it will select the exact opposite?

Black is white? Day is night?

Exactly.

What sort of computer?

A Huxley 600.

There is only one of those in this country.

How are you going to get me into Interpol?

Hmm, I can't.

Then how do you expect me to rig it?

I don't. I expect you to tell me how to rig it.

[SIRENS]

The President has just arrived

and is being greeted by sergeant Duvall of the Suréte,

and secretary general DuLong of Interpol.

And now we switch to Michelle Chauvin

who is about to interview the star of these proceedings.

Good morning, Michelle.

This is chief inspector dreyfuss of the Suréte.

You're the one who's gonna program Aldous

to select Clouseau's successor?

Yes, uh…

Oh, no,

he's not gonna be Clouseau's successor.

Why not a she?

What?

Well, couldn't it just as easily be a woman,

or are you purposefully programming it to be a man?

Oh, no, no, no.

We are just trying to find the best,

the most qualified…

The most like Clouseau.

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Yes.

To paraphrase an old saying,

"send a great detective to find a great detective."

Exactly, but, uh,

he or she will not be Clouseau's successor.

I mean, they won't be going to work for the Suréte,

I hope.

[CLAPPING] Excuse me.

The President has just arrived.

In a few moments, Aldous the computer,

will select from the files

of all the law enforcement agencies in the world

the one man or woman

most qualified to solve the disappearance

of France's greatest detective.

And screw up my entire life.

Just over a year ago,

while investigating yet another theft

of the famous diamond, The Pink Panther,

inspector Clouseau seemed to vanish from the face of the earth,

leaving behind one of France's greatest unsolved mysteries.

Not to mention the 4,000 francs he owes me.

And now, working on a theory that the best person to find Clouseau

is someone almost exactly like Clouseau,

chief inspector Dreyfus will program Aldous the computer

with a character profile of inspector Clouseau.

That's going to put a hell of a strain on poor old Aldous.

Obviously, Mr. President,

so as not to limit our choice,

I will omit sex, height, weight,

race, and nationality.

Ready, Aldous?

Ready, Charles.

Age… 61.

Senior officer.

I.q…

[CHUCKLES, COUGHS]

Ahem. Genius.

Specialties…

Judo, kung fu, okinawan weaponry,

karate expert…

[SNICKERING]

Black belt.

Expert ma… Ma…

Marksman.

Fearless.

Courageous.

A born leader.

[SMOTHERED LAUGHTER]

Sir.

Is that it, chief?

Mm-hmm.

Select.

Coming right up.

[HUMMING]

What is he humming?

It sounds like Moon River…

Backwards.

Chief inspector Dreyfus is obviously nervous.

The President and the commissioner

are waiting tensely as the moment draws near.

Aldous: Ladies and gentlemen,

after thoroughly searching the records

of 13,623,055 candidates,

I have come up with your man.

It's a man.

From the 11th precinct

of the New York City police department,

I give you…

A little drum roll, please…

[DRUM ROLL]

…officer Clifton Sleigh.

[FALSETTO] Got a light, big boy?

Clif, broads don't call guys "big boy" anymore.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh. Right, Charlie.

[CLINK]

I thought you didn't smoke.

I think it kinda goes with the look.

Thanks.

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING OVER RADIO]

Jesus, I don't believe it.

He's gonna blow their cover.

[ COUGH]

That's a nasty cough you got there, lady.

You shouldn't oughta be smokin.

I lost a contact lense.

What?

I lost a lens.

I'll look for it later. Can't you just do with one?

I can't see without it and it cost me 85 bucks.

I'll lend you the money, for godsakes.

Oh, my… I found it.

Come on, let's go.

Well…

[COUGHS]

[FALSETTO] See you later.

[COUGHING]

He's gonna blow it.

CHARLIE: He's gonna blow it.

Stay with him.

Don't forget the guys we're after

put a little old lady in a hospital.

I can't believe the lieutenant would let a screw-up like Sleigh

work this kind of stakeout.

The lieutenant's been under a lot of pressure lately.

Yeah? What kind of pressure?

Sleigh.

He's been driving the lieutenant bananas.

Maybe he hopes Sleigh

will end up like the little old lady.

Ah, come on.

To tell you the truth,

that thought has passed through my mind.

MAN: Stop! Stop! Back up! Back up! Back up!

Stop! Stop! Go forward. Go forward.

Now, stop!

Hi there, beautiful.

Pardon me. I…

I feel that I know you.

Are you by any chance

Sheila Swanhill from Petoskey, Michigan?

[JINGLING]

Well, if not, um…

Are you her sister

or in any way related to the Swanhill family?

Obviously not. You would have recognized me by now.

Allow me to introduce myself. Holly Hamill Carr III.

I'm in cement.

Did you know that Petoskey

is the cement capital of the world?

Huh. Some drunk's trying to pick him up.

She had a cousin named…

Huh. Lindtrude.

[FALSETTO] My name's Doreena.

♪ Doreena!

You have a lovely voice.

♪ You do

♪ something to me

♪ something that

♪ simply mystifies me

♪ tell me

♪ why should it be

♪ you have the power to hypnotize me ♪

[DOGS BARKING]

It's getting out of hand.

Hey!

[SINGING]

I want you off my street!

SLEIGH: What are you doing to me?

CHARLIE: A real hooker's just joined the party.

[SHOUTING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SHOUTING]

Charlie: I'm going in.

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

[SIREN]

Not only did you screw up the stakeout,

but another little old lady was mugged.

To make matters worse,

we're the laughingstock of the whole 28th precinct,

and by the time those crumbs get through spreading it around town,

we'll be the laughingstock

of the whole goddamn New York City police force.

With all due respect…

What respect?

What do you know about respect?

You sure as hell don't respect me.

Oh, yes, I do.

I got an ulcer, I'm losing my hair,

and you're driving me straight to the funny farm!

You call that respect?!

What happened tonight was not entirely my fault.

3 years on the police force,

you don't know how to handle a common drunk?!

You had to be there.

Sleigh…

If it wasn't for the fact

that you're a third- generation police officer

and that your father was not only my captain

but my daughter's godfather

and a close personal friend of nearly 20 years,

I'd have you back doing guard duty at the public library!

I request no special attention because of my family.

Don't tell me what you request!

I owe your old man!

Your grandfather talked me into being a cop!

He used to walk the toughest beat in Boston

carrying only a rolled-up newspaper!

He still carries it.

Sleigh…

Until this came, I was a desperate man

faced with 2 choices…

Retirement or murdering you.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Fortunately, you don't have to say anything.

The police commissioner said it for both of us.

Congratulations, Sleigh.

You're assigned to special duty with Suréte.

Suréte? Me?

Paris, France?

There must be some mistake.

Oh, undoubtedly.

I trust you'll bring this error

to the commissioner's attention.

[CHUCKLES] I considered it.

But then I remembered the immortal words of Theodore Doppler,

the Cousbay Strangler whose death sentence

was commuted 2 minutes before they pulled the switch.

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

[CHUCKLING]

Bon voyage, Sleigh.

Bon voyage.

My bag.

Unh.

[GROWLS]

Hey, business is booming since Clouseau disappeared, huh?

Yeah. My books show an increase of 18% since February.

Gambling accounted for half a billion.

Nearly double last year.

You think that's good?

Wait'll you hear the rundown on drugs and prostitution.

Hold it a second.

Don't take a genius to know

when Clouseau isn't around, business flourishes.

Still hard to believe. You ever meet the guy?

Yeah, I met him once. Acted like a real idiot.

Facts are facts.

If this American detective is as good as they say he is,

we're gonna have Clouseau right back in our laps.

Maybe Clouseau isn't just missing.

Yeah. Maybe he's dead.

Can't take that chance.

So what do we do?

Get rid of the American.

I'll call Calucci in Chicago.

Have him put out a contract.

P.A.: TransWorld Airlines flight 24

for Chicago and Dayton,

will depart from gate 39.

Passengers may proceed to the gate area for check in.

[WIND HOWLING]

TransWorld Airlines flight 24 for Chicago and Dayton,

will depart from gate 39.

Passengers may proceed to gate area for check in.

Excuse me, please, but where do I check in?

Sleigh: Check in?

Right over there.

[WIND HOWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUD]

[WOMAN SCREAMING] Ahh!

How did it happen?

We don't know.

He fell from a balcony.

Never got a shot at him.

When does this sergeant Sleigh land?

Eleven-twenty, tomorrow morning, TWA.

You want us to hit him at the airport?

Right.

Great. This time, no slip-ups.

[HONK HONK]

[WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING]

It's very Nice to see you.

We've been waiting for you. This way.

Out through here?

Aah!

Oof!

[SHOUTING IN FRENCH]

Aah!

Yes, commisioner.

Quite remarkable. [CHUCKLING]

It seems the computer certainly picked

the right man for the job.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

[BUZZ]

Yes?

Detective Sleigh has arrived.

Show him in.

Detective sergeant Clifton Sleigh.

Oh!

Aah!

How is he, doctor?

Well, he'll be here for a few weeks,

but he's very lucky. We just got him in time.

He could have choked to death on that goldfish.

Can I see him?

Yes, but don't stay too long.

He's very tired.

Hello.

I won't stay long.

I wish I could say the same.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Ahh…

Are you in much pain?

Ah, my leg hurts, but my throat is killing me.

You nearly choked to death on a goldfish.

Where is he?

I don't know. I don't think they kept it.

Not the fish! Detective Sleigh!

Oh. He waited around until he heard you were all right,

then he went over to Clouseau's apartment.

But he said he'd be back to see you this evening.

Wonderful.

He said he wanted to make it up to you

by solving the case as quickly as possible.

You know, François,

I have a horrible feeling

we're seeing history repeat itself.

What do you mean?

When they were pulling out the goldfish,

I remember thinking,

"did Clouseau have any relatives in the states?"

You mean… Oh, but that's impossible.

You programmed the computer yourself.

[CHUCKLES]

Compared to me, I'm afraid

Baron Frankenstein was a quack.

[BUZZ]

[BUZZ]

[WINDOW SQUEAKS]

Aah!

Hmm.

Yaah!

Aah! Oh, god! Oh, god!

Aah!

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

Unh!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

Aah!

Inspector Clouseau museum.

This is Balls. Is this Cato?

No. This is Sumo the night janitor.

Mr. Cato is in south America.

Merde!

I am not giving you any merde.

Where's the money?

I don't know anything about any money he owes you.

If you want to get in touch with him,

he can be reached at the Rio Hilton.

Mor merde!

And the same to you, professor.

[HANGS UP]

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Cato.

I thought you said your name was Sumo

and that Cato was in south America.

Only where Professor Balls is concerned.

Inspector Clouseau disappeared

owing the professor 4,000 francs.

And he keeps threatening to close down the museum

and take back all his disguises.

I'd give him something on account,

but I only make enough to pay the utilities

and keep myself Yin-Gow San.

I don't believe I know the dish.

It's my girlfriend.

Ah.

I'm sorry I attacked you.

Oh. You thought I was from the collection agency.

No. I know who you are.

I was hoping I could beat you up so badly

you might give up trying to find inspector Clouseau.

Oh?

Why don't you want me to find him?

Because he used to beat me up so badly

I kept wishing he would disappear.

There's an old Chinese saying…

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Ahh. Ha ha!

You speak Chinese?

Uh… no.

Well, the nearest english equivalent would be…

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Would you like some tea?

No. I've got to crack this case,

and I'm on a tight schedule.

Tell me about this Professor Balls.

He used to make all of the inspector's disguises.

As a matter of fact,

he was the last one to see the inspector alive.

You don't say.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

That's him.

[JINGLING]

[OPERA PLAYING]

Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like to see Professor Balls.

[INHALES]

[BLOWS]

[COUGHING]

There is someone here to see the professor.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BLOWS]

[BRRAAAPP]

Professor Balls?

Do we know each other?

I'm…

I'm a police officer.

I was in Zagreb visiting my half-brother at the monastery.

I only want to ask you a few questions.

Nevertheless, I have a perfect alibi.

For what?

For practically anything.

I am a law-abiding citizen. Right, Cunny?

My little friend here will back me up.

Right, Cunny? All right, that's enough.

Down! Pssht!

He's been with me for 20 years.

Sometimes he thinks I'm his girlfriend.

He is also the best fitter in Paris, Monsieur.

In all of France, for that matter.

He can whip you up a very Nice suit

with 2 pair of pants while you wait.

No, you see, I'm investigating…

Of course you are investigating!

You are a policeman!

I knew that the moment you walked in to my emporium.

Your courage, your alertness,

the way your eyes take in everything.

I immediately said to myself,

"Balls, this is a policeman's policeman."

Thirty-two.

Thirty-two.

Twenty-two.

Twenty-two.

[INCOHERENT SLURRING] Six.

Four.

Four.

Twelve.

Well, I have been servicing the police all of my life.

Some of my best customers have been the police.

Chief inspector Clouseau himself

used to come into my shop here 3 or 4 nights a week,

just browsing, finding an odd nose,

a unique goiter, a carbuncle,

perhaps something in a Nice hump.

Yes. I personally designed und executed

all his famous disguises.

Take for example, his last and greatest disguise.

He was due to pick it up on the day he disappeared.

It probably would have saved his life.

Behold! The instant companion kit.

How many times have you been on a case

and discovered that you were being followed?

How many times have you wished that you had the one diversion

that would confuse your pursuer, allowing you time to escape?

Well, here we have the perfect diversion…

Life-size und instantly inflatable.

One twist of the valve

and you are checking into a hotel as man and wife.

2 twists… ménage a trois, ja?

As chief inspector Clouseau, the king of disguises,

said to me when we tested the prototype,

"Balls, as disguises go,

the instant companion kit is without peers."

I can let you have it for 6,000 francs.

6,000?

4. Get ze doggie.

And to round out the ensemble,

I'll throw in the instant companion pet

for all seasons.

Observe. [BLOWING]

There are little wheels concealed in his paws.

Every 30 feet he barks and goes caca.

4,000?

All right. 3,000, including the leash

and 2 extra cans of caca.

How about 1,500 for the entire ensemble

and all the caca?

I've got to get this stuff off my hands.

[WHEELS RATTLING]

That makes 3 attempts on my life in 2 days.

I am lucky. I've only had one.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

That makes us even.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I guess I was just too gung ho.

Gung who?

It's an American expression.

It means… All fired up.

Full of spirit and determination.

Do you know what this opportunity means to me?

I'm a third-generation police officer.

My grandfather and my father were captains.

Your family must be very proud of you.

They still can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Me, out of all those millions.

My grandfather tells everyone it's a practical joke.

[GIGGLES] I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. This is my chance.

If I succeed, then I've proved once and for all

that I'm a credit to the force,

that I'm a Sleigh.

Well, credit to the force,

where do you go from here?

Well, since inspector Clouseau disappeared

while investigating the theft of The Pink Panther,

I thought I'd visit the scene of the crime.

Then you're off to Lugash.

I leave on the next plane.

You'll leave? Good. I mean, good luck.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] You know…

I just want to tell you how grateful I am…

Aah!

Aah!

[SINGING PRAYERS]

[DOG BARKING]

What time does he arrive?

The 1:30 plane from Paris.

You realize what happens if he finds that cursed diamond?

We'll have to return the money to the insurance company.

I've already spent it.

What's the alternative?

Make sure he doesn't find the diamond.

Hmm.

Well, obviously, the first thing to do

is to figure out how the thief got in.

Aah!

[THUD]

I don't think we've got a thing to worry about.

That's what we thought about Clouseau.

He suspects sir Charles Litton, the notorious Phantom.

He's booked the evening flight for the south of France.

Oh, the south of France.

Should be beautiful this time of year.

Unless you happen to fall off the grand corniche.

[PEOPLE TALKING]

WOMAN: I just had word that he's arrived in the south of France.

When he left Nice airport,

he was followed by two members of the Lugash secret police.

It appears that President Halish

would rather have the insurance money than the diamond.

When you take into account

that the mob has already tried to kill him three times

to stop him from finding inspector Clouseau.

MAN: Chief inspector… [CHUCKLING]

I don't think that we got anything to worry about.

Still… all things considered,

I'm glad you had the surgery.

Even though you're temporarily incapacitated,

in the long run,

I'm sure it will be more than worth the time.

[SPEAKING FRENCH BADLY]

Sure, pal.

Tell him he's here.

He's here.

Ah, sergeant Sleigh.

Yes, sir.

Let me introduce you

to my nephew, George.

George. How do you do?

Hugo, Chair.

Mr. Chair.

And, uh, my wife.

Hello, how do you do?

Hello.

So, uh, you're investigating the Clouseau case.

Yes. [SQUEAKING]

Oh, thank you.

[SQUEAK]

Oh, thank you.

You wouldn't by any chance be related?

To inspector Clouseau? No.

But, uh…

[SQUEAK]

But it's funny you should ask me that.

The President of Lugash asked me the same thing.

[SQUEAK] Really?

What about a drink, sergeant?

Oh, no, thank you.

[SQUEAK]

Darling, the sergeant's on duty.

Well, it's not that.

Then what about a Nice cup of tea?

Actually, it's a lot better for you than coffee.

It's got about half the amount of caffeine in it.

I'm sure that's true,

but I'd simply die without my morning cup of coffee.

Anyway, um, what were you saying, sergeant?

I, uh… I, uh…

You were saying about the investigation of inspector Clouseau.

Ah, yes.

I, uh… whoa!

Allow me, sir.

[SQUEAK]

[DEFLATING]

[SQUEAKING]

You wanted to know if Clouseau questioned me

about the theft of The Pink Panther.

Yes. Yes.

Yes? Yes.

He questioned me. He did?

Oh, yes.

He questioned me 3 days after the robbery

on the third of August, to be precise.

At 1:15.

He stayed for lunch.

And fell in the pool.

But why in the world would he think

that you would know anything about the theft of The Pink Panther?

Oh, come on, George.

I mean, I'm sure the sergeant is totally up to date

on my somewhat checkered career.

Right, sergeant?

Ah, ha ha ha ha.

I mean, after all, a man, after almost 30 years,

has been thought to be the notorious Phantom,

the cleverest Jewel thief in all of Europe.

But, uncle Charles, it was never proven

that you were The Phantom.

No. Nor that you took over where I left off.

But, George, you can understand why he was suspicious

and why he wanted to question me.

Oh, sure.

And then when he was satisfied that I was completely innocent

and couldn't possibly have had anything to do with it…

Because we were in Barbados with George

at the time of the robbery.

Then, inspector Clouseau took off for Valencia.

Valencia. Ah. Ha.

Well, that leaves me with just one question.

[CRACK]

You said Valencia.

It's in Spain.

Ah! That Valencia.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Sir Charles.

Lady Litton. Uhh!

He fell in the pool.

You're kidding.

[TICKING]

You sure you don't want a bathrobe or something?

Oh, no. I've been enough trouble.

It's a warm day. I can dry off on my way to Spain.

Well, good-bye, sergeant.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye, sergeant.

Bye-bye.

[RIP]

What do you think he'll find in Valencia?

Not very much, unless he gets his glasses fixed.

Take me to the nearest hotel.

[FRENCH]

I thought you spoke english.

Prendre moi a I'hotel.

Check.

[TICKING]

Don't get too close.

That's it.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GUNSHOT] Wholy…

Whoa!

Ole! Ole!

I'm oleing as fast as I can, man.

You said you didn't speak any english!

Don't you know that French cab drivers are notoriusly unreliable?

You sound like an American to me.

[GUNSHOT]

Whoa!

Damn!

Who the hell's trying to kill you?!

I don't know!

Whoa!

[HORN HONKS]

Maybe they're trying to kill me!

Who do I know that wants to kill me?

No, no. It couldn't be my wife. She doesn't drive.

Whoever it is, you got to try and lose them!

When somebody's shooting at you,

you got to do better than try.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Ahh!

[TICKING]

Aah!

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORNS HONKING]

Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[TICKING]

Wah!

[HORNS HONKING]

Come on! Come on!

Yah!

Yah!

[GUNFIRE] Ah!

[1812 OVERTURE PLAYING]

[EXPLOSION]

Oui, Monsieur.

Aah!

Yes, uh…

Something to eat?

[FALSETTO] No.

[NORMAL VOICE] Uh…

[FALSETTO] Beer, please.

[NORMAL VOICE] 2 beers, s'il vous plait.

Lovely here, isn't it?

[COUGHING]

[PUMPING AIR]

Uhh!

[FALSETTO] Merci.

[DEEP VOICE] Merci.

[HISSING]

[COUGHING]

It's a filthy habit.

[COUGHING]

[HISSING]

[DEFLATING, SQUEALING]

[DEFLATING STOPS]

[BLOWING]

[SQUEAK]

Aah.

[SIGHS]

Another?

[FALSETTO] No, let's go.

[NORMAL VOICE] Merci.

Let's go, Shirley. Come on.

[FALSETTO] No, I can't.

[NORMAL VOICE] Come on. Let's go.

[CHUCKLES]

[KISSES]

Say good-bye.

[FALSETTO] Bye-bye.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh.

What? Do you want to get a room here? You do?

[DING]

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Avez-vous…

I speak english.

Good. Do you have a room?

For how many persons?

Oh, just me and the little woman.

[KISSES]

Uh, how long are you planning to stay?

Just, uh… One night.

Uh, 200 francs.

Checkout time is 10 A.M.

[DING]

I told you not to mix your drinks.

The bridal suite.

Do we have a bridal suite?

We have now.

[FALSETTO] Merci.

Have a pleasant stay…

Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

[DEFLATING]

[SQUEALING]

[BLOWING]

Ooh!

Shh! Honey. [CHUCKLING]

I'm sorry.

[DEFLATING, SQUEALING]

[BLOWING]

[GAS BLOWING]

Man on phone: Oui?

Yes, this is, uh, Monsieur Smith.

Oui?

I would like to make a call to Paris… St. Mary's Hospital.

Paris? Yes.

St. Mary's Hospital.

To chief inspector Dreyfus.

Chief inspector Dreyfus.

Yes. It's important.

Oui, Monsieur Smith.

Hurry. Right away.

Excuse me.

I am interested in… Monsieur Smith.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Yes?

Hello, this is sergeant Sleigh.

Oh, yes.

Where the devil are you?

I… I don't know the name of the hotel,

but somebody's following me.

They tried to shoot me on the way to Nice.

Oh, my god.

Hold on. I'll be right with you.

[GAS ESCAPING, SQUEALING]

Hold on a sec. I got to put the cork in.

DREYFUS: What, cork?

What do you mean? Hello?

Hello, are you there?

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Why don't you answer me? Hello!

I'm sorry, but things are getting a little out of hand.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes, the location of the hotel.

Well, it's in the south…

[COUGHING] South of France.

It's on a, uh, a small street.

[COUGHING]

Uh, look, I don't know what the point of this is,

because even if I knew where I was,

you're there, and I'm…

I'm dizzy.

Dizzy? I'm really dizzy.

Why are you dizzy?

Must be the gas.

Gas?

Why don't you open the window?

That's a good idea.

Ohh.

That's better.

[SILENCED GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

Hello?

Hello?

Huh huh huh.

Are you there?

SHOUTING: The explosion severely traumatized your left eardrum,

but if you are careful, and avoid all loud noises,

partial hearing should be restored in a few days.

What about the ringing?

I'm afraid that might take longer.

It's very loud.

I keep wanting to answer the telephone.

Just take the medicine I've prescribed

and plenty of rest.

All right. Thank you, doctor.

What if I can't distinguish the difference

between the ringing in my ear and the phone?

That could be a problem.

What?

It may not last much longer.

I couldn't stand it if it did.

Where is Sleigh?

On his way tovalencia.

Valencia?

A tip… From sir Charles.

[PHONE RINGING]

There, it's getting worse!

Oh.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

He just checked in.

Very convenient. Right down the hall. 311.

Not in the hotel.

When he goes out tonight,

all those fireworks out there,

nobody's gonna notice a little shooting.

We can't miss.

Yeah.

But just to make sure, I've hired a backup…

Mr. Chong.

Who the hell is Mr. Chong?

He's a ninja.

The most powerful human killing machine in the world.

Visualize energy…

As a gathering storm.

It flows to the hand.

The hand consigns it to the primary object.

As the primary object is destroyed,

it is consigned to the secondary object,

and so on…

Like an atomic chain reaction.

I will demonstrate.

Yah!

[CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Road Runner: Beep beep!

We have a problem.

Sergeant Sleigh has arrived in Valencia.

Wah-ah!

[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SINGING]

Sí, sí.

I understand.

[BUZZ]

One moment.

¿Sí?

Sergeant Sleigh wishes to speak with you.

He's here?

No. He's on the other line.

Tell him I'll be right with him.

Listen, he's just called.

I've got him holding on the other line.

Not a word.

Of course. Not a word.

Hello. Chief agila here.

What can I do for you, sergeant?

I'm investigating the disappearance of inspector Clouseau.

What? What?

Wait a minute. I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

I'm gonna close the window.

What?

I'm going to close the window.

What?

What are you talking about?

OK, I closed it.

Thank you for your cooperation. I'll be right over.

Uhh!

[DOG PANTING]

Thank you.

[DING]

[DOG GRUNTING]

Will you hold him please?

[DOG FLATUSES]

You should be ashamed of yourself, young man.

[DING]

Oh, ho.

There you go.

[MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE SINGING]

Where's the police station?

Over there!

Thank you.

Don't lose him!

[GUNFIRE]

[FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING]

[BLOWING HORN]

Hi.

Hi. Hey, you're the girl from the elevator.

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing?

[POP] Aah!

Nothin'.

Is anything the matter?

Uh, look, you're not gonna believe this,

but some men are trying to kill me.

You're right. I am?

I'm not gonna believe you.

No, seriously.

They… they were just shooting at me outside.

Look, are you alone? Yes.

Have you got a table? Yes.

Would you mind being my instant companion?

Your instant what?

Look, normally I wouldn't impose,

but my other one blew up.

Look, I'll explain everything to you on the way.

Where's your table? Come on.

[BLOWING HORN]

Do you see them?

No.

Well, if you see them, kiss me.

Kiss you?

Well, they're not looking for a couple.

That's the instant companion theory.

Do you know Professor Balls?

Who? Professor…

Professor Balls.

Did you see 'em? One of 'em.

Where? Over by the door.

I don't see him now.

Strange. He's gone.

You sure you saw them?

Of course. That's why I kissed you.

Of course.

Wait a minute.

You don't think I pretended to see that guy

just so I could kiss you.

The thought did occur to me.

Well…

There he is again.

Did you see him?

He's gone.

I don't believe I can…

I saw him both times.

You don't believe me, do you?

Does it matter?

Does it matter?

Well, whether you saw the man or not,

I quite enjoyed it.

You did?

Didn't you?

Well, now that you mention it, I guess I did.

Well?

I think I see him again.

Good.

See what I mean?

I certainly do.

I'm kissing you, and I don't even know your name.

Don't worry about it, sweetheart.

You're kissing a dead duck.

Ohh!

Aah!

Ohh! [OBJECTS CLATTER]

Uhh!

Oh, my god.

Quick.

Up, up, up, up.

Ew! [MUTTERING]

Whoop!

Look, uh, she doesn't have anything to do with this.

That's a shame.

Excuse me.

Listen, I still don't know your name.

Clifton.

Clifton. Catch me. I'm gonna faint.

[GUNFIRE]

Ooh!

Ugh!

Ooh!

I'm coming!

I'm going!

Uh!

Ooh!

Ugh!

Hyah!

Don't worry about a thing

I got these guys just where I want 'em.

Look out!

Uh! Oh, no.

Oh, now I'm mad.

Now I'm hurt.

Ooh!

Oh!

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Come on, let's get outta here.

Clifton!

Oh, boy.

Ahhh!

[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]

[CRASH]

Ah! No!

[MUSIC PLAYING, CHEERING]

[SINGING]

Wait. This way.

Why?

I have to see the chief of police.

No. Why not?

I can't explain. Ohh!

Good-bye, Clifton.

[RING]

Hello.

He hasn't shown up yet.

He just went into the hotel.

I'll be there. 10 minutes.

Good.

[MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE SINGING]

Yes, this is sergeant Sleigh in room 311.

Can you tell me the name of the young lady in room 310?

Woman on phone: Un momento, por favor.

Juleta Shane.

Thank you very much.

Juleta.

I knocked on your door.

I told the bellboy I was your sister.

I don't think he believed me.

Did I wake you?

No, why?

You're wearing my pajamas.

Only the tops.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Does it bother you?

No.

I charged the champagne to your room.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind at all.

[SIGHS]

Here's to the rest of the night

with an option on tomorrow.

[CLINK]

I, uh, can't stay.

You see, I had a very important meeting

with the chief of police,

and I couldn't let you just run off like that.

I… I had to find you.

But, um, now that I have found you,

I… I have to keep that meeting.

I'm a…

I'm a police officer.

Police.

And, uh, I'm working on a case,

a very important case.

And, uh, I think I'm getting close to the answer.

I… I think that's why those men were…

Were trying to kill me tonight.

By the way, uh…

Where did you learn to fight like that?

I was raised in the east end of London

where you had to learn how to fight,

if you wanted to keep your integrity.

I'll, uh, I'll be back as soon as I can.

I won't be here.

Why not?

Because I won't.

I'm touchy about throwing myself at a man

and then being rejected.

But I'm not rejecting you.

Then stay. I can't.

But I want you.

Oh, god.

Now.

[GULP] Couldn't you just hold out

for maybe half an hour?

No.

25 minutes. I'll… I'll run.

I can't wait. But you don't understand.

This is my big chance.

Don't blow it.

No, I mean, to prove once and for all

that I'm a good cop.

I want you to prove it, too.

I mean to my family,

to lieutenant palmyra and the 28th precinct,

my goofy grandfather and his rolled-up newspaper,

and my father with his medals

and his citation from the governor

for bravery.

You don't understand.

Oh, my god, I sound like Stan Laurel.

I… i… I've got to go.

I hope you're here when I get back.

Clifton.

What?

Here's to being here when you get back.

I'll drink to that.

[CLINK]

[GASPS]

What's wrong? Juleta.

Oh, my god.

[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Woman on phone: ¿sí, señor?

Get a doctor. It's an emergency.

Room number, please. Room 311.

And send the police.

[PEOPLE CHEERING, FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

Probably a powerful tranquilizer.

She'll recover, but she'll be unconscious for hours.

I recognize her.

She's the Countess Chandra's personal secretary.

Her name's juleta Shane.

Her name is Julie Morgan.

She has been with the Countess for 7 years.

Who's this Countess that…

I ask the questions, señor Sleigh.

Sergeant Sleigh.

Is that "slay" as in "kill"?

No, it's Sleigh as in "one-horse-open."

Why did you shoot her?

I didn't. I'm a New York City police officer

working with the Suréte.

Yes, investigating the Clouseau case. Yes.

Yes, they said you would say this.

You have my identification.

Excellent forgeries.

Look, I can clear this up with one phone call.

After you've answered some questions.

I've told you everything.

Bring him along.

What kind of tranquilizer, is it, huh?

I don't know.

Come on.

Get out of the way!

Hey, come on, move! Move!

I'm a police officer. I'm a police officer!

Hey, come on, move it, move it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

After him! After him!

Move!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Fool, you've lost him!

This way!

[HONK HONK]

Good evening, sergeant.

Hello, Mr. Litton.

Can I give you a lift?

Uh, as a matter of fact, yes.

Hop in.

[SHOUTING AND SINGING]

Sir Charles: Good morning, George.

Look what I found.

Sergeant, you're up early.

I haven't been to bed yet.

Come aboard.

Well, you look like you need some breakfast.

Have a little pineapple or something.

Darling, you remember sergeant Sleigh.

Of course I do.

Hello. Do sit down. Thank you.

Would you like a cup of coffee? Oh, yes, please.

I'll get that. Thank you.

Now, obviously those are not your handcuffs,

so you don't have a key.

Darling, may I borrow your manicure set?

Oh, yes, darling.

Thank you so much.

I'll time you on that, uncle Charles.

All right. This should do it.

Here you are. Thank you.

I… I feel I owe you an explanation.

You see, there was this young lady

who said her name was juleta Shane.

Juleta, what a pretty name.

Yes, but her real name was Julie Morgan.

I know Julie Morgan.

Didn't she work for Countess Chandra?

Yes.

12 seconds, uncle Charles.

Oh, stop, George. That's not fair.

You're rattling him.

Yes, don't rattle me, George.

Anyway, somebody shot her.

No. With a dart.

With a dart? A tranquilizer.

Imagine.

Oh, my god. It's beyond me.

Somebody in one of those big heads.

Big heads?

Yes. They had an air gun,

and just as we were about to drink some champagne…

Pop! Right in the back of the neck?

Right!

There we are.

28 seconds. You're getting a little rusty.

Well, all right, George. You try the other one.

All right.

I'll time you. Terrific.

Ready? Go.

[BIRDS CRYING]

I really appreciate this.

And you're not aiding and abetting a criminal.

Ha, thank god for that.

You see, I was falsely accused…

Lady Litton: Of course.

And now it's imperative I find this Countess Chandra.

Didn't she own an exclusive health spa in majorca?

Still does.

10 seconds, George.

Don't rattle me.

Majorca.

I've got to get to majorca.

Uh, we're going there, on our way.

And we'll be very happy to give you a lift.

Really? Yes.

Gosh, that's terrific.

I go there every year. Charles won't try it.

He was in the infantry. You know, all that mud.

Mud?

Well, how'd I do?

Not bad. I just beat you.

Sure you won't have a pineapple?

OK.

Thank you, Countess. I'm very grateful.

It's been my pleasure.

[CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

We have a problem.

Julie's in the hospital.

The man who chief agila says shot her with the tranquilizing dart

has escaped.

Chief agila claims the man

was impersonating sergeant Sleigh.

It doesn't make sense.

Julie knew what Sleigh looked like.

Sometimes it is possible to look like one person,

but actually be another.

Ta-da!

[GASPS] My god!

It's fantastic!

Oh, darling.

Uh, don't kiss him too hard.

His lips might fall off.

What?

Just a little surgical humor.

Here, have a look.

Happy?

Hey, is that the little yacht?

Sí, senor.

You can't see the spa from here.

It's about a quarter of a mile inland.

I sure would like to case the layout.

That won't be easy.

Wow.

Whoa!

Get up!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Have you tried that?

No.

It looks like fun.

No, it looks like suicide.

[SCREAMING]

Uhh!

Oh! Oh, no! Ohh!

Oh!

[MOANING]

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes, I think I am, thank you.

I'm Countess Chandra.

Sergeant Sleigh.

Lucky you landed in the mud.

Yes. It's hot mud.

Volcanic. It's good for the skin.

Doesn't do much for the clothes, I'm afraid.

Would you like to rinse off?

Yes, I think I would.

This way.

Straight ahead.

To your left.

Big step.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm investigating the disappearance of inspector Clouseau.

You just missed chief agila.

He says you're an impostor.

Oh, he does, does he? Well, I'm not.

And I want some answers.

Julie Morgan, also known as juleta Shane,

knows who I am.

I'm so glad Julie's going to be all right.

How bizarre. A tranquilizing dart.

Who do you think shot her?

I thought you might know.

Why me?

She works for you.

Lots of people work for me.

What Julie does on her own time is her own business.

Ah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

My god.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Yes, I… I know that.

You!

Yes, it, uh… It is me.

I'm, uh, just checking the, uh…

The bar for the bar-fleas, you know?

Aah! Damn that swine step!

You really should do something

about your architecture there, my darling.

Darling.

Yes, my darling?

You're smoking the wrong end.

Yes, I knew that.

You don't have to tell me I'm smoking the wrong end.

Do you know why I'm smoking the wrong end?

No, darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.

Right.

I am smoking the wrong end

because I have a very good reason.

Ohh!

Are you all right?

Yes, of course I'm all right.

I'm, uh, I'm examining the roof.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh. Thank you.

Yo! Ow!

Obviously you are not a smoker.

I'm sorry.

Unh!

Ahh.

Do you realize you are wearing my ice bucket?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's… it's stuck.

Yes, well, that is no problem.

I'm an expert in these matters.

Bend down.

Bend over.

Uhh! Uhh!

Here, let me help.

Yes, it is a question of leverage.

Yaah!

Ohh!

Ahh.

Yes, that is better.

It goes with the suit, you know.

Oh, by the way, we have not been properly introduced.

You, of course, know who I am?

Sergeant Sleigh.

No, I am not sergeant Sleigh.

No, I'm sergeant Sleigh.

Oh, yes. Now we are getting somewhere.

Chandra: Shall we all have a drink?

An excellent idea.

I will have my usual. A kahlúa and root beer.

I'll just have the root beer.

You do not know what you're missing.

It is combinaison that makes a real thirst quencher.

I'm a teetotaler.

Oh. You total the tee.

I thought you were a police sergeant.

I am.

Before I left New York,

I read you were making another movie.

Uh, he had 2 weeks off.

Yes, I have, uh, 2 weeks off, you know.

And when I have the time, I come here to take the waters.

Very cleansing.

I enjoy a good cleanse.

I'm afraid there's no more ice.

That's ok.

Well, here's to your investigation, sergeant.

To inspector Clouseau.

Chief inspector.

[COUGHS]

Aah!

That felt good.

Have you ever seen this man before?

No, I've never seen this man before in my life. Never.

It's inspector Clouseau.

Chief inspector.

That's inspector Clouseau?

Chief inspector.

Do you know him?

Yes. What?

Well, he came here about a year ago,

but he said his name was Gino Rossi.

He wanted the name of a good plastic surgeon,

so I recommended Dr. prospus Stang of Madrid.

Well, I… Guess that just about does it.

It does?

Yes. There is one more thing, though.

Could I have your autograph?

It's for my grandfather.

[BUZZ]

Hello oui?

Hello, François.

Oh, it's you.

Good afternoon. Where are you?

I am in agony.

I want you to arrange for a hospital plane

to carry me back to Paris immediately,

and, uh, and ask my psychiatrist if he can see me,

5 days a week, twice a day.

Oui.

Have you heard from sergeant Sleigh?

He called about 5 minutes ago,

uh, from a health spa.

Health spa? Oui.

He asked me to check on a man named Gino Rossi.

And then he said he was leaving for Madrid

to question a plastic surgeon named, uh, Stang.

Yes, well, uh, good-bye, sergeant,

and, uh, don't be a stranger, huh?

Ha. Thank you.

See you at the movies, huh?

Yes. [CHUCKLES]

Cheerio.

Did that swine architect of yours

move that door by any chance?

There goes the last of our problems.

Yes. Come on.

Where are we going?

Let's celebrate.

I haven't seen it for such a long time.

Well, I've not been too well, you know?

Not that. The Pink Panther.

I was just checking.

[GASPS]

Oh, my god!

It's gone!

Swine Phantom!

I interrogated Dr. Stang,

who admitted that he had operated on Clouseau's face.

This is what he looked like after the operation.

He stole The Pink Panther,

had his face changed, and then called himself Gino Rossi.

And you are sure he's dead?

The Valencia…

According to the… go ahead.

You wanted to say something?

No, no. After you.

You're sure? Yes, please.

All I wanted to say is that the Valencia police

identified the man in the photograph as a John dough

who had been shot

and whose corpse was found washed up on the beach.

Obviously killed for the diamond.

Obviously.

Should we have the body exhumed just to make sure?

Uh, no.

Ahem. I have compared Clouseau's fingerprints

with those of the dead man,

and, uh, they are identical.

Oh, yes. There is no doubt that Clouseau is dead.

A good cop gone bad.

Yes, well… [CHUCKLES]

You've certainly proved

that you are a good cop, sergeant,

a credit to the profession.

On behalf of the President and the people of France,

I congratulate you. Good-bye.

Thank you, sir.

[LAUGHS] Good-bye.

Good-bye, Mr. Rossi,

alias chief inspector Clouseau.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh.

Peace at last!

Ahh!

[CHUCKLING]

Well, bon voyage, sergeant.

Well done.

You should come again sometime.

Thank you.

DREYFUS: Help! Help!

I'm burning! Hurry up!

Get the hose!

The… the hose! There!

DREYFUS: Hurry up!

Help!

Help! Hurry up!

Hit the water!

Help! Oh, help!

Aah!

Aah!

Check.

Mate!

Ah.

Beautiful.

Do you, um, recommend Countess Chandra's?

Definitely.

In fact, I'd love to go back there and spend more time.

By the way, I seem to be missing a glove.

Always leave something, for something is my motive.

What's yours?

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'll drink to that.

[CLINK CLINK]

[CLATTER]