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1
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Some side effects include headaches,blurred vision, and high blood pressure.
2
00:00:05:960 --> 00:00:08:440
Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
3
00:00:08:640 --> 00:00:10:360
- Dad?
- Yeah?
4
00:00:10:600 --> 00:00:13:800
Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?
5
00:00:16:480 --> 00:00:18:360
Well, Alan? Do you?
6
00:00:20:240 --> 00:00:24:840
Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?
7
00:00:25:120 --> 00:00:27:320
It's something to do
with your penis, right?
8
00:00:27:560 --> 00:00:29:880
- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...
9
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...gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.
10
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- I'm fine.
- Not me, l...
11
00:00:38:960 --> 00:00:41:000
So, what are the pills for?
12
00:00:41:200 --> 00:00:45:000
Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...
13
00:00:45:200 --> 00:00:48:960
...which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...
14
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They're boner pills, Jake.
15
00:00:53:560 --> 00:00:55:760
To get them,
or to make them go away?
16
00:00:55:960 --> 00:00:57:640
To get them. Go get ready for bed.
17
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What's the point?
They're not good for anything.
18
00:01:03:880 --> 00:01:05:440
You ever try any of those drugs?
19
00:01:05:680 --> 00:01:08:680
Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.
20
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- What did you think?
- Not my thing.
21
00:01:11:840 --> 00:01:16:040
It's like corking the bat.
You?
22
00:01:16:280 --> 00:01:21:000
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.
23
00:01:24:720 --> 00:01:29:560
Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?
24
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Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?
25
00:01:33:520 --> 00:01:37:520
So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.
26
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Saturday is marvelous.
27
00:01:43:360 --> 00:01:48:160
How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?
28
00:01:48:480 --> 00:01:52:000
Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.
29
00:01:52:200 --> 00:01:55:360
Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.
30
00:02:00:400 --> 00:02:02:440
- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?
31
00:02:02:840 --> 00:02:06:080
That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.
32
00:02:06:320 --> 00:02:09:520
- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?
33
00:02:09:760 --> 00:02:12:400
What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...
34
00:02:12:600 --> 00:02:15:880
...is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.
35
00:02:16:080 --> 00:02:19:040
- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.
36
00:02:19:520 --> 00:02:22:560
You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.
37
00:02:23:280 --> 00:02:25:320
Good to know. Good to know.
38
00:02:25:520 --> 00:02:29:600
Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...
39
00:02:29:800 --> 00:02:31:800
...you are of a similar persuasion?
40
00:02:32:040 --> 00:02:36:440
Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.
41
00:02:36:720 --> 00:02:40:320
- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.
42
00:02:41:320 --> 00:02:45:760
When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?
43
00:02:46:000 --> 00:02:47:360
Futon?
44
00:02:47:560 --> 00:02:50:120
No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.
45
00:02:50:360 --> 00:02:52:680
Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...
46
00:02:52:880 --> 00:02:57:200
...you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."
47
00:02:57:400 --> 00:02:59:240
- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.
48
00:02:59:440 --> 00:03:02:240
He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.
49
00:03:02:600 --> 00:03:06:080
And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?
50
00:03:06:320 --> 00:03:10:240
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.
51
00:03:11:720 --> 00:03:16:440
- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.
52
00:03:16:680 --> 00:03:18:760
I have a significant other.
53
00:03:19:920 --> 00:03:21:200
- What?
- We're both invited...
54
00:03:21:400 --> 00:03:23:360
...to a cocktail party Saturday night.
55
00:03:24:760 --> 00:03:26:240
What?
56
00:03:34:080 --> 00:03:36:240
- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.
57
00:03:36:440 --> 00:03:38:400
You always complain
we don't hang out.
58
00:03:38:640 --> 00:03:41:600
I didn't mean I wanted to date you.
59
00:03:41:840 --> 00:03:45:080
You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?
60
00:03:45:280 --> 00:03:46:680
The way I sparkle?
61
00:03:46:920 --> 00:03:49:960
I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.
62
00:03:50:200 --> 00:03:53:600
Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.
63
00:03:53:880 --> 00:03:57:000
This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.
64
00:03:57:200 --> 00:04:00:160
And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.
65
00:04:00:360 --> 00:04:02:480
And second of all,
you're not just my lover...
66
00:04:02:680 --> 00:04:05:440
...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.
67
00:04:05:680 --> 00:04:09:040
Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.
68
00:04:09:240 --> 00:04:11:920
What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.
69
00:04:12:160 --> 00:04:13:840
They don't wanna be discriminated.
70
00:04:14:080 --> 00:04:18:160
And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.
71
00:04:18:840 --> 00:04:22:240
I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...
72
00:04:22:480 --> 00:04:25:120
...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.
73
00:04:25:400 --> 00:04:28:840
You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.
74
00:04:29:040 --> 00:04:31:880
What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?
75
00:04:32:080 --> 00:04:35:160
But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.
76
00:04:35:880 --> 00:04:38:040
Having a reasonable
command of English...
77
00:04:38:240 --> 00:04:40:600
...isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.
78
00:04:40:760 --> 00:04:43:720
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.
79
00:04:43:880 --> 00:04:46:400
Forget it. You're asking too much.
80
00:04:46:600 --> 00:04:48:720
Oh, really?
81
00:04:48:920 --> 00:04:53:520
Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?
82
00:04:53:720 --> 00:04:55:480
- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...
83
00:04:55:640 --> 00:04:58:480
...your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.
84
00:04:58:760 --> 00:05:01:120
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?
85
00:05:01:360 --> 00:05:04:280
- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.
86
00:05:05:160 --> 00:05:08:240
Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.
87
00:05:08:480 --> 00:05:10:680
I can't believe you would sink so low.
88
00:05:10:880 --> 00:05:13:400
To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...
89
00:05:13:640 --> 00:05:15:000
- You're both in my will.
- Really?
90
00:05:15:280 --> 00:05:16:680
First thing Monday.
91
00:05:19:160 --> 00:05:21:200
All right. But I want it on the record...
92
00:05:21:400 --> 00:05:23:440
...I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.
93
00:05:23:680 --> 00:05:25:880
If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.
94
00:05:26:640 --> 00:05:28:720
Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?
95
00:05:29:000 --> 00:05:31:640
Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.
96
00:05:31:840 --> 00:05:34:760
You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?
97
00:05:36:800 --> 00:05:42:320
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.
98
00:05:45:600 --> 00:05:47:520
Well, la-di-da.
99
00:05:50:640 --> 00:05:52:800
- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.
100
00:05:53:040 --> 00:05:54:680
Where are you guys going?
101
00:05:54:880 --> 00:05:56:480
To a little party.
102
00:05:56:920 --> 00:05:59:520
And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?
103
00:05:59:720 --> 00:06:02:320
Yeah, well, funny story about that.
104
00:06:02:680 --> 00:06:05:160
Okay, let's get this over with.
105
00:06:07:160 --> 00:06:08:800
You're wearing that?
106
00:06:09:000 --> 00:06:11:240
What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.
107
00:06:11:480 --> 00:06:13:120
It looked different in the store.
108
00:06:14:520 --> 00:06:17:080
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.
109
00:06:17:840 --> 00:06:20:880
- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.
110
00:06:21:120 --> 00:06:22:760
You want me to change, just tell me.
111
00:06:23:000 --> 00:06:24:600
- Don't change.
- You don't like it.
112
00:06:24:840 --> 00:06:26:920
I didn't say that.
113
00:06:27:160 --> 00:06:28:800
I think you look very nice, Alan.
114
00:06:29:040 --> 00:06:31:920
Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.
115
00:06:32:160 --> 00:06:35:680
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.
116
00:06:35:880 --> 00:06:38:040
- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?
117
00:06:38:240 --> 00:06:40:480
How about I show you a little
smack on the head?
118
00:06:40:680 --> 00:06:43:600
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?
119
00:06:44:560 --> 00:06:45:840
What is that about?
120
00:06:46:040 --> 00:06:49:600
I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.
121
00:06:51:400 --> 00:06:53:680
Dad said we could order a pizza.
122
00:06:56:280 --> 00:07:00:720
Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.
123
00:07:00:920 --> 00:07:02:200
I'm sorry.
124
00:07:02:440 --> 00:07:04:480
What, are you ashamed of me?
125
00:07:05:560 --> 00:07:06:840
A little bit.
126
00:07:13:840 --> 00:07:16:720
Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.
127
00:07:16:960 --> 00:07:19:360
For the last time, you look stunning.
128
00:07:19:640 --> 00:07:21:760
No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.
129
00:07:21:960 --> 00:07:23:560
- What stories?
- We're a couple.
130
00:07:23:800 --> 00:07:26:080
How long have we been together?
How did we meet?
131
00:07:26:320 --> 00:07:29:720
Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.
132
00:07:30:560 --> 00:07:34:160
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.
133
00:07:34:360 --> 00:07:36:480
A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?
134
00:07:36:680 --> 00:07:39:680
I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.
135
00:07:39:920 --> 00:07:44:240
I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.
136
00:07:44:760 --> 00:07:49:440
- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?
137
00:07:49:680 --> 00:07:52:160
And you must be Alan. Welcome.
138
00:07:52:360 --> 00:07:54:320
I'm the husband.
139
00:07:54:920 --> 00:07:57:760
No, he's not. Stop saying that.
140
00:07:57:960 --> 00:08:01:480
Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.
141
00:08:01:680 --> 00:08:03:280
Appletinis.
142
00:08:03:560 --> 00:08:05:520
So how did you lovebirds meet?
143
00:08:11:040 --> 00:08:13:600
Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...
144
00:08:13:840 --> 00:08:18:880
...you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.
145
00:08:19:120 --> 00:08:22:480
Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...
146
00:08:22:680 --> 00:08:28:600
...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.
147
00:08:29:560 --> 00:08:31:680
Oh, that is so romantic.
148
00:08:31:920 --> 00:08:35:120
Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.
149
00:08:35:320 --> 00:08:36:880
Like this one.
150
00:08:37:120 --> 00:08:39:360
- Are you starting?
- No.
151
00:08:39:600 --> 00:08:42:920
Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.
152
00:08:44:720 --> 00:08:47:800
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?
153
00:08:48:200 --> 00:08:50:520
I'm sorry...
154
00:08:50:720 --> 00:08:52:600
...pookie.
155
00:08:53:160 --> 00:08:54:640
Finish your story, Alan.
156
00:08:55:000 --> 00:08:58:520
Well, okay. So... So there we are...
157
00:08:58:760 --> 00:09:03:920
...our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...
158
00:09:04:120 --> 00:09:07:640
...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.
159
00:09:07:880 --> 00:09:11:560
The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.
160
00:09:12:360 --> 00:09:14:280
To the moon, Alan.
161
00:09:14:520 --> 00:09:19:360
Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...
162
00:09:19:520 --> 00:09:21:800
...and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.
163
00:09:22:040 --> 00:09:25:640
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?
164
00:09:27:560 --> 00:09:34:280
Yeah, it kills me every time.
165
00:09:38:920 --> 00:09:41:600
There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.
166
00:09:41:760 --> 00:09:43:880
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
167
00:09:44:960 --> 00:09:48:280
You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.
168
00:09:48:520 --> 00:09:51:000
- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...
169
00:09:51:200 --> 00:09:53:000
...you'll light the drapes on fire.
170
00:09:53:240 --> 00:09:55:400
What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?
171
00:09:55:600 --> 00:09:58:080
What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?
172
00:09:58:320 --> 00:10:02:440
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...
173
00:10:02:640 --> 00:10:05:880
...this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.
174
00:10:06:120 --> 00:10:08:080
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
175
00:10:08:280 --> 00:10:10:360
Hi. Wow, you were married?
176
00:10:10:600 --> 00:10:12:880
It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.
177
00:10:13:120 --> 00:10:15:680
But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.
178
00:10:17:480 --> 00:10:19:600
Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.
179
00:10:19:800 --> 00:10:22:360
Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.
180
00:10:22:600 --> 00:10:24:320
Why, thank you, Charlie.
181
00:10:24:480 --> 00:10:27:720
Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?
182
00:10:27:920 --> 00:10:31:280
Back off, sister. I caught this fish.
183
00:10:37:240 --> 00:10:42:120
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- Lf you don't know, no point discussing.
184
00:10:42:360 --> 00:10:43:840
Fine.
185
00:10:45:400 --> 00:10:47:040
You ignored me the whole night.
186
00:10:48:920 --> 00:10:51:640
A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.
187
00:10:51:880 --> 00:10:54:400
Alan, listen closely.
188
00:10:54:640 --> 00:10:57:280
It wasn't a real date.
189
00:10:58:400 --> 00:11:00:760
Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...
190
00:11:01:000 --> 00:11:04:000
...with your friend Eric and nine
producers from Will & Grace...
191
00:11:04:200 --> 00:11:07:200
...while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.
192
00:11:07:440 --> 00:11:09:480
- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.
193
00:11:09:640 --> 00:11:13:160
- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?
194
00:11:13:440 --> 00:11:15:680
Not when you're supposed
to be with me.
195
00:11:15:880 --> 00:11:17:960
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?
196
00:11:18:200 --> 00:11:21:400
Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?
197
00:11:21:600 --> 00:11:25:040
Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?
198
00:11:25:280 --> 00:11:28:560
No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.
199
00:11:29:360 --> 00:11:31:600
Unless I convince him...
200
00:11:31:800 --> 00:11:34:880
...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.
201
00:11:35:120 --> 00:11:37:280
Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.
202
00:11:37:520 --> 00:11:40:600
Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.
203
00:11:40:840 --> 00:11:42:760
Don't blame this on the liquor.
204
00:11:43:680 --> 00:11:45:960
Okay, here's what I can do.
205
00:11:46:160 --> 00:11:48:120
She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.
206
00:11:48:320 --> 00:11:51:160
I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.
207
00:11:51:400 --> 00:11:53:080
So you're gonna cheat on me?
208
00:11:53:320 --> 00:11:54:760
No, that's not cheating.
209
00:11:55:000 --> 00:11:58:760
- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.
210
00:11:59:320 --> 00:12:02:200
Then how can you be bi?
211
00:12:04:800 --> 00:12:06:560
Shut up.
212
00:12:11:240 --> 00:12:13:640
Okay, well, good night.
213
00:12:13:920 --> 00:12:18:000
- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.
214
00:12:23:160 --> 00:12:25:320
Oh, this is a cute top.
215
00:12:25:560 --> 00:12:28:560
I'm more a bottom man myself.
216
00:12:28:760 --> 00:12:31:240
I'll bet you are.
217
00:12:34:400 --> 00:12:36:000
- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?
218
00:12:36:200 --> 00:12:38:280
Slutty is the new black.
219
00:12:38:480 --> 00:12:40:680
Oh, you.
220
00:12:41:400 --> 00:12:46:400
Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?
221
00:12:46:640 --> 00:12:49:520
I wish. Can you keep a little secret?
222
00:12:49:760 --> 00:12:51:800
I'm keeping a big one right now.
223
00:12:52:040 --> 00:12:54:560
I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.
224
00:12:54:840 --> 00:12:57:480
Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.
225
00:12:57:760 --> 00:13:00:920
I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.
226
00:13:01:160 --> 00:13:06:200
Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.
227
00:13:07:160 --> 00:13:11:120
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.
228
00:13:11:360 --> 00:13:15:120
His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.
229
00:13:15:320 --> 00:13:17:760
Of course, I don't need to tell you.
230
00:13:18:840 --> 00:13:21:600
No, but I'm so glad you did.
231
00:13:21:840 --> 00:13:25:440
Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?
232
00:13:25:640 --> 00:13:27:560
Yeah, it's a riot.
233
00:13:28:040 --> 00:13:32:000
Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.
234
00:13:32:280 --> 00:13:35:160
- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...
235
00:13:35:400 --> 00:13:37:480
...they'll use anything
you say against you.
236
00:13:37:720 --> 00:13:39:640
The bitches.
237
00:13:39:880 --> 00:13:43:240
Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.
238
00:13:43:480 --> 00:13:45:480
Strange, because
they've already got it.
239
00:13:45:720 --> 00:13:48:320
Oh, you, come here.
240
00:13:48:520 --> 00:13:53:160
Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.
241
00:13:53:360 --> 00:13:56:160
Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.
242
00:13:58:480 --> 00:14:00:440
You know, these are pretty.
243
00:14:03:720 --> 00:14:07:520
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?
244
00:14:07:920 --> 00:14:12:400
Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.
245
00:14:12:640 --> 00:14:14:280
Let's try it on.
246
00:14:14:480 --> 00:14:16:000
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
247
00:14:17:760 --> 00:14:19:800
All right. Hold this.
248
00:14:20:000 --> 00:14:21:720
Okay.
249
00:14:21:920 --> 00:14:24:000
What do you think?
With or without the bra?
250
00:14:25:120 --> 00:14:27:400
I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.
251
00:14:27:680 --> 00:14:30:320
All right, then. Without.
252
00:14:30:800 --> 00:14:33:240
Yes. Definitely without.
253
00:14:33:840 --> 00:14:35:280
Am I starting to sag?
254
00:14:36:840 --> 00:14:39:080
What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?
255
00:14:39:320 --> 00:14:40:920
Am I hanging a bit low?
256
00:14:41:200 --> 00:14:44:680
I don't know. Go like this:
257
00:14:45:360 --> 00:14:48:320
- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.
258
00:14:50:240 --> 00:14:51:800
I am a woman, Charles.
259
00:14:52:000 --> 00:14:54:000
- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.
260
00:14:54:240 --> 00:14:56:040
Why not? You made me look at yours.
261
00:14:56:240 --> 00:14:59:600
God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?
262
00:14:59:840 --> 00:15:02:080
How does his mother
put up with him?
263
00:15:02:320 --> 00:15:03:760
Oh, boy.
264
00:15:04:000 --> 00:15:08:400
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?
265
00:15:08:640 --> 00:15:12:280
Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.
266
00:15:12:520 --> 00:15:16:320
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.
267
00:15:16:520 --> 00:15:19:440
That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.
268
00:15:19:640 --> 00:15:23:360
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.
269
00:15:23:560 --> 00:15:26:400
- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.
270
00:15:26:640 --> 00:15:28:360
His lover?
271
00:15:29:080 --> 00:15:30:960
God, I'm not outing you, am I?
272
00:15:31:160 --> 00:15:35:240
Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?
273
00:15:36:280 --> 00:15:41:000
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.
274
00:15:41:240 --> 00:15:45:640
My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.
275
00:15:45:880 --> 00:15:48:800
Oh, what a shame. What does he do?
276
00:15:49:080 --> 00:15:51:560
He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.
277
00:15:51:800 --> 00:15:56:800
Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.
278
00:15:59:360 --> 00:16:02:360
No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...
279
00:16:02:600 --> 00:16:05:920
...was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...
280
00:16:06:120 --> 00:16:09:280
...belting out the entire score
of Hello, Dolly!
281
00:16:09:520 --> 00:16:12:200
It was Mame, Mom.
282
00:16:12:400 --> 00:16:16:440
In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.
283
00:16:16:640 --> 00:16:19:160
We cook together,
we shop together...
284
00:16:19:400 --> 00:16:23:480
...we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.
285
00:16:23:720 --> 00:16:28:240
Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.
286
00:16:28:440 --> 00:16:30:000
Sunday isn't really good for me.
287
00:16:30:200 --> 00:16:31:880
But you will be there anyway...
288
00:16:32:080 --> 00:16:38:560
...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?
289
00:16:39:840 --> 00:16:41:400
Right.
290
00:16:41:880 --> 00:16:43:560
Say it.
291
00:16:47:080 --> 00:16:48:720
I love you, Mom.
292
00:16:48:960 --> 00:16:51:320
And I love you too.
293
00:16:51:520 --> 00:16:53:160
Eight a.m. Sunday.
294
00:16:53:360 --> 00:16:58:040
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.
295
00:16:59:640 --> 00:17:02:360
- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.
296
00:17:02:720 --> 00:17:06:800
If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.
297
00:17:07:000 --> 00:17:10:040
Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.
298
00:17:10:240 --> 00:17:13:200
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.
299
00:17:13:440 --> 00:17:15:800
I've already got something
slutty in my pants.
300
00:17:16:040 --> 00:17:18:280
- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.
301
00:17:18:520 --> 00:17:23:760
I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...
302
00:17:24:000 --> 00:17:28:160
...and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.
303
00:17:28:400 --> 00:17:31:880
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.
304
00:17:32:080 --> 00:17:35:160
He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...
305
00:17:35:360 --> 00:17:38:080
...he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.
306
00:17:38:320 --> 00:17:42:160
Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.
307
00:17:42:360 --> 00:17:45:280
- Charlie.
- Lf I were a straight man...
308
00:17:45:480 --> 00:17:48:160
...would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.
309
00:17:48:320 --> 00:17:50:760
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...
310
00:17:51:000 --> 00:17:52:640
I'd do you in a heartbeat.
311
00:17:52:880 --> 00:17:55:000
Oh, good. Come with me.
312
00:17:55:200 --> 00:17:57:920
Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.
313
00:17:58:160 --> 00:18:00:120
Oh, but I do.
314
00:18:01:840 --> 00:18:03:760
Now, come here.
315
00:18:05:160 --> 00:18:07:520
You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.
316
00:18:07:680 --> 00:18:11:040
I know, I know. Just wait.
317
00:18:14:480 --> 00:18:16:320
Well...?
318
00:18:17:560 --> 00:18:20:880
Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.
319
00:18:21:080 --> 00:18:23:240
Would it help if you thought of Alan?
320
00:18:23:400 --> 00:18:28:360
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?
321
00:18:28:560 --> 00:18:30:480
Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.
322
00:18:30:680 --> 00:18:33:360
No, it's not. I am a straight man.
323
00:18:33:520 --> 00:18:37:160
I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.
324
00:18:37:360 --> 00:18:41:680
Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.
325
00:18:42:960 --> 00:18:45:120
Come on, let's go look at shoes.
326
00:18:46:160 --> 00:18:50:320
It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.
327
00:18:53:400 --> 00:18:55:520
- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.
328
00:18:55:720 --> 00:18:57:360
- We have to talk.
- Not now.
329
00:18:57:560 --> 00:18:59:560
I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...
330
00:18:59:760 --> 00:19:02:760
...and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.
331
00:19:04:560 --> 00:19:07:800
- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?
332
00:19:09:760 --> 00:19:13:280
I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...
333
00:19:13:520 --> 00:19:15:680
So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.
334
00:19:17:600 --> 00:19:18:960
It's not what it sounds like.
335
00:19:19:200 --> 00:19:23:760
Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.
336
00:19:24:360 --> 00:19:25:800
No.
337
00:19:26:000 --> 00:19:29:760
Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...
338
00:19:29:960 --> 00:19:32:560
...and I'm really sorry.
339
00:19:32:800 --> 00:19:36:600
Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.
340
00:19:38:120 --> 00:19:40:200
How do you expect me
to keep working for you?
341
00:19:40:440 --> 00:19:42:720
Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.
342
00:19:43:000 --> 00:19:46:560
How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?
343
00:19:46:800 --> 00:19:49:800
- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.
344
00:19:50:640 --> 00:19:52:520
Bye, Alan.
345
00:19:53:760 --> 00:19:55:120
Thanks for the sweater.
346
00:19:57:080 --> 00:20:01:800
- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.
347
00:20:02:000 --> 00:20:05:960
- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.
348
00:20:06:160 --> 00:20:10:520
What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.
349
00:20:11:120 --> 00:20:14:640
No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.
350
00:20:14:800 --> 00:20:16:880
And I think that's sweet.
351
00:20:17:920 --> 00:20:20:000
You need to stop this.
352
00:20:20:200 --> 00:20:23:320
I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.
353
00:20:23:600 --> 00:20:26:920
Whatever you say. Pookie.
354
00:20:29:560 --> 00:20:31:560
Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?
355
00:20:31:760 --> 00:20:35:920
- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.
356
00:20:40:760 --> 00:20:42:800
Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.
357
00:20:43:000 --> 00:20:45:760
Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.
358
00:20:45:960 --> 00:20:49:160
Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...
359
00:20:49:360 --> 00:20:52:520
...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.
360
00:20:52:760 --> 00:20:54:920
I explained about that.
361
00:20:55:120 --> 00:20:59:720
It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.
362
00:21:23:760 --> 00:21:25:800
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363
00:21:26:000 --> 00:21:28:040
[ENGLISH]
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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