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1
00:00:01:240 --> 00:00:04:560
Do you just get up in the morning
and figure out ways to make me crazy?
2
00:00:04:760 --> 00:00:06:440
Is that what you do?
You plot it out?
3
00:00:06:640 --> 00:00:08:320
How can I make Alan
miserable today?
4
00:00:08:520 --> 00:00:10:240
How can I reach into his chest...
5
00:00:10:520 --> 00:00:13:400
...rip out his heart, and suck it dry?
6
00:00:14:800 --> 00:00:17:440
- Mom or ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.
7
00:00:17:880 --> 00:00:20:160
- Hi, Judith.
- Charlie says hello.
8
00:00:20:360 --> 00:00:22:840
She says hi.
You're evil and selfish, you know that?
9
00:00:23:880 --> 00:00:26:000
No, no. L... I think that is
a helpful comment.
10
00:00:26:200 --> 00:00:29:600
I pay you alimony and child support
so that you can have a nice house...
11
00:00:29:800 --> 00:00:32:480
...a nice car, every weekend free
because I've got Jake.
12
00:00:32:680 --> 00:00:36:480
And yet you're telling me
you need a vacation?
13
00:00:36:680 --> 00:00:40:240
Oh, really? Oh, really? And what exactly
is stressing you out, Judith?
14
00:00:40:440 --> 00:00:43:080
Is it the weekly manicure?
The housekeeper?
15
00:00:43:320 --> 00:00:45:200
- Boob lift.
- The boob lift.
16
00:00:45:480 --> 00:00:47:360
- That you paid for.
- That I paid for.
17
00:00:47:640 --> 00:00:50:280
- And never got to see.
- And never got to see.
18
00:00:51:880 --> 00:00:53:480
No, no, no. You listen to me.
19
00:00:53:720 --> 00:00:55:720
I think you live a damn fine lifestyle...
20
00:00:55:920 --> 00:00:58:160
...that I work 60 hours a week
to support.
21
00:00:58:360 --> 00:01:02:480
So if anybody needs a vacation,
it's not you. It's me!
22
00:01:03:120 --> 00:01:05:040
All right, then.
23
00:01:05:880 --> 00:01:07:520
Goodbye.
24
00:01:09:840 --> 00:01:12:560
Judith's going to Hawaii for a week.
25
00:01:14:680 --> 00:01:16:000
So Jake's staying here.
26
00:01:16:520 --> 00:01:18:480
I'm shocked.
27
00:01:27:840 --> 00:01:30:280
Come on, Jake.
It's time to get up for school.
28
00:01:30:480 --> 00:01:31:880
I can't go to school.
29
00:01:32:080 --> 00:01:33:960
- I'm sick.
- What's wrong?
30
00:01:34:480 --> 00:01:37:200
I think I have acid reflex disease.
31
00:01:37:440 --> 00:01:41:280
Really? Acid reflex disease?
32
00:01:42:160 --> 00:01:43:880
Where does it hurt?
33
00:01:45:400 --> 00:01:47:040
My head?
34
00:01:47:880 --> 00:01:49:920
- Nice try.
- My throat?
35
00:01:50:160 --> 00:01:51:560
Get up.
36
00:01:53:280 --> 00:01:54:680
All right, all right.
37
00:01:54:880 --> 00:01:57:960
I just want you to know,
I'm starting my day really stressed out.
38
00:01:58:200 --> 00:02:01:280
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me
to send you to Hawaii?
39
00:02:01:520 --> 00:02:03:520
That would be nice.
40
00:02:07:640 --> 00:02:10:360
What's taking you so long?
41
00:02:10:960 --> 00:02:13:800
- I can't find my other shoe.
- So put on a different pair.
42
00:02:14:040 --> 00:02:15:360
But this one's on already.
43
00:02:18:440 --> 00:02:20:680
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
44
00:02:21:160 --> 00:02:22:920
It's 7 a.m.
45
00:02:24:320 --> 00:02:27:320
- What am I doing up so early?
- Where have you been?
46
00:02:27:600 --> 00:02:31:360
Searching the kingdom
for the woman who fits this shoe.
47
00:02:32:000 --> 00:02:33:600
Hey, that's mine. Where was it?
48
00:02:33:920 --> 00:02:35:040
In the driveway.
49
00:02:35:960 --> 00:02:37:800
Oh, yeah!
50
00:02:38:200 --> 00:02:39:480
Okay, let's go.
51
00:02:39:680 --> 00:02:41:400
- Got my lunch?
- Lunch?
52
00:02:41:600 --> 00:02:45:000
- You're supposed to make me lunch.
- Oh, crap.
53
00:02:45:880 --> 00:02:48:440
This isn't helping my stress level.
54
00:02:49:920 --> 00:02:52:400
I forget. Why are you here
in the middle of the week?
55
00:02:52:640 --> 00:02:55:680
- Because my mom's on vacation.
- From what?
56
00:02:56:120 --> 00:02:57:520
Me.
57
00:03:01:320 --> 00:03:04:320
A word of advice: Don't date women
who live near the airport.
58
00:03:04:840 --> 00:03:07:360
It's impossible to sleep in.
59
00:03:08:040 --> 00:03:10:400
I'll try to remember that.
60
00:03:10:640 --> 00:03:13:640
Wish I knew her well enough
to bring her back here.
61
00:03:13:880 --> 00:03:16:120
Well, maybe next time.
62
00:03:16:320 --> 00:03:18:000
Next time?
63
00:03:18:560 --> 00:03:21:360
- My lunch ready?
- It's right here. What are you doing?
64
00:03:21:560 --> 00:03:23:960
- That was for Jake.
- I don't see his name on it.
65
00:03:30:120 --> 00:03:32:600
Okay, fine. You'Il...
You'll have half a sandwich...
66
00:03:32:800 --> 00:03:36:920
...and a banana,
and maybe an orange, and...
67
00:03:37:120 --> 00:03:39:720
...what the hell, an artichoke.
68
00:03:41:240 --> 00:03:42:240
An artichoke?
69
00:03:43:680 --> 00:03:45:880
Maybe you can trade it
for something good.
70
00:03:46:640 --> 00:03:48:920
With who? One of the slow kids?
71
00:03:49:160 --> 00:03:51:520
Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy.
72
00:03:52:800 --> 00:03:54:520
Come on, let's go.
73
00:03:55:520 --> 00:03:59:280
I forgot. I have to write five insightful
questions I'd ask George Washington.
74
00:03:59:520 --> 00:04:01:720
What? Last night
you said you had no homework.
75
00:04:02:120 --> 00:04:04:560
Dad, I just said I forgot.
76
00:04:06:800 --> 00:04:11:560
- Okay, fine. You'll do it in the car.
- I was planning on doing math in the car.
77
00:04:13:760 --> 00:04:15:200
President Washington.
78
00:04:15:400 --> 00:04:17:200
Question number one:
79
00:04:17:400 --> 00:04:21:280
"Have you ever thought of coming
back from the dead as a zombie?"
80
00:04:22:960 --> 00:04:25:600
Jake, I don't think that's
what your teacher had in mind.
81
00:04:26:280 --> 00:04:27:800
Do you wanna do it?
82
00:04:28:440 --> 00:04:29:840
No, no. You're doing fine.
83
00:04:30:640 --> 00:04:32:560
Question two:
84
00:04:32:760 --> 00:04:36:000
"Can you eat human flesh
with wooden teeth?"
85
00:04:37:720 --> 00:04:40:000
Hi, Lorraine. I'm running a little late.
86
00:04:40:160 --> 00:04:44:320
Could you move my 9:30 to 10,
my 10 to 10:30...
87
00:04:44:520 --> 00:04:47:160
...and, well,
you see where this is going.
88
00:04:48:280 --> 00:04:49:880
You don't?
89
00:04:50:920 --> 00:04:53:200
Hang on, I've got somebody
on the other line.
90
00:04:53:880 --> 00:04:55:280
Hello.
91
00:04:55:480 --> 00:04:59:760
Oh, hi, Mom. Look, I can't talk
right now. I'm driving Jake to school.
92
00:05:00:040 --> 00:05:02:560
Well, Judith's in Hawaii.
93
00:05:03:160 --> 00:05:05:880
No, that does not make me
a doormat.
94
00:05:07:040 --> 00:05:10:040
Patsy is just another word
for doormat, Mom.
95
00:05:10:480 --> 00:05:13:600
L... Lo... I gotta go. I'll call you later.
96
00:05:15:360 --> 00:05:16:760
Hi, Lorraine. I'm back.
97
00:05:17:000 --> 00:05:18:960
No, no, don't put me on hold.
98
00:05:19:480 --> 00:05:20:880
Question three:
99
00:05:21:280 --> 00:05:24:600
"Do you think the Revolutionary War
would have been won sooner...
100
00:05:24:840 --> 00:05:27:640
...if you had an army of the undead?"
101
00:05:30:200 --> 00:05:32:640
This is actually pretty easy.
102
00:05:33:400 --> 00:05:36:280
Lorraine, this is Dr. Harper.
103
00:05:37:120 --> 00:05:40:200
Listen, I'm... I'm gonna be there
in about 40 minutes.
104
00:05:40:640 --> 00:05:42:960
What do you mean,
you're going home?
105
00:05:43:200 --> 00:05:46:760
Oh, come on.
You were premenstrual two weeks ago.
106
00:05:47:480 --> 00:05:49:480
Yes, I keep track.
107
00:05:50:200 --> 00:05:51:800
Question number four:
108
00:05:52:000 --> 00:05:56:200
"What's your opinion of the new,
faster-walking zombies?"
109
00:05:56:600 --> 00:05:58:280
No, no, no. Lor... Lorraine.
110
00:05:58:480 --> 00:06:00:200
Don't cry. Please don't cry.
111
00:06:06:240 --> 00:06:08:600
Charlie, I'm going home.
112
00:06:28:920 --> 00:06:32:560
How many times
have I asked you not to do that?
113
00:06:33:040 --> 00:06:36:320
- I'm going home.
- I suppose you want me to pay you.
114
00:06:36:560 --> 00:06:39:600
Not necessary.
I took the money out of your wallet.
115
00:06:41:280 --> 00:06:44:600
- Fine.
- Guess what? I got a raise.
116
00:06:45:840 --> 00:06:47:440
Congratulations.
117
00:06:47:680 --> 00:06:52:680
- You wanna know why I got a raise?
- No, I'm sure I had my reasons.
118
00:06:54:040 --> 00:06:57:880
Because when I took this job,
all I had to do was clean up after you.
119
00:06:58:120 --> 00:07:01:000
And while that may
have been disgusting, it was doable.
120
00:07:02:120 --> 00:07:06:920
And then your brother moved in, which
I accepted with my usual good humor...
121
00:07:07:120 --> 00:07:11:360
...because he cleans up after himself
like a neurotic raccoon.
122
00:07:12:600 --> 00:07:14:240
This is about the kid, right?
123
00:07:14:480 --> 00:07:17:520
Good for you.
That's why you're the boss.
124
00:07:18:760 --> 00:07:21:840
He's just here for a week.
It's a temporary situation.
125
00:07:22:080 --> 00:07:24:760
And yet my raise is permanent.
126
00:07:25:760 --> 00:07:27:160
Sounds fair.
127
00:07:27:680 --> 00:07:29:680
God, what a horrible day.
128
00:07:30:160 --> 00:07:32:320
- Tell me about it.
- Show of hands:
129
00:07:32:840 --> 00:07:35:320
Who spent their day
pre-soaking the shorts of a kid...
130
00:07:35:600 --> 00:07:38:480
...who leaves more skid marks
than a getaway car?
131
00:07:40:280 --> 00:07:41:840
That's what I thought.
132
00:07:42:040 --> 00:07:44:440
Now, if you ladies will excuse me...
133
00:07:45:200 --> 00:07:48:600
...I have three buses to catch.
134
00:07:52:160 --> 00:07:54:640
I bet she catches them by hand.
135
00:07:55:880 --> 00:07:58:040
Yeah, well, I have my own problems.
136
00:07:58:280 --> 00:08:01:080
I was late for work,
my receptionist went home early...
137
00:08:01:280 --> 00:08:05:280
...because, apparently, she has
the reproductive cycle of a jackrabbit...
138
00:08:05:800 --> 00:08:09:320
...and then I had a large,
drunk Samoan man walk in...
139
00:08:09:520 --> 00:08:13:960
...who thought that chiropractor means
"massage with happy ending."
140
00:08:15:520 --> 00:08:19:520
I kept trying to crack his back and
he kept rolling over and winking at me.
141
00:08:20:560 --> 00:08:22:760
- Wow, that's creepy.
- Tell me about it.
142
00:08:23:240 --> 00:08:25:280
So you're gonna see him again?
143
00:08:26:000 --> 00:08:29:840
Or should I say,
are you gonna see him Samoa?
144
00:08:32:720 --> 00:08:34:000
Oh, come on. That was funny.
145
00:08:34:200 --> 00:08:36:440
Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.
146
00:08:37:200 --> 00:08:39:160
You know what your problem is?
147
00:08:39:360 --> 00:08:42:920
- You don't drink enough.
- You're probably right.
148
00:08:43:120 --> 00:08:47:440
This is the first time today I've had a
chance to just sit down and decompress.
149
00:08:49:640 --> 00:08:52:040
- Cheers?
- Oh, cheers.
150
00:08:53:360 --> 00:08:54:760
Oh, that's good.
151
00:08:55:000 --> 00:08:57:760
I keep having this nagging feeling
that I forgot something.
152
00:08:57:960 --> 00:09:01:400
- Lf you forgot it, it wasn't important.
- Yeah, I guess.
153
00:09:16:120 --> 00:09:18:600
I can't believe you forgot me.
154
00:09:18:880 --> 00:09:21:160
I said I'm sorry.
155
00:09:21:320 --> 00:09:22:720
You forgot me.
156
00:09:22:960 --> 00:09:25:160
I know. I feel terrible.
157
00:09:25:360 --> 00:09:27:720
How many kids you got?
158
00:09:29:200 --> 00:09:31:720
- There's a towel on the floor, buddy.
- I'm okay.
159
00:09:32:280 --> 00:09:36:480
I want you to sit on it so you don't leave
a wet ass-print on my leather seats.
160
00:09:36:840 --> 00:09:38:160
You forgot me too.
161
00:09:38:440 --> 00:09:40:000
Yeah, but I'm just your uncle.
162
00:09:40:160 --> 00:09:41:600
He's your father.
163
00:09:41:840 --> 00:09:43:320
Yeah, my own father.
164
00:09:43:760 --> 00:09:45:040
Thanks, Charlie.
165
00:09:45:240 --> 00:09:47:120
Is there any way
I can make it up to you?
166
00:09:47:320 --> 00:09:50:320
- You wanna go out for a special dinner?
- No.
167
00:09:50:520 --> 00:09:52:080
- How about a movie?
- Why?
168
00:09:52:280 --> 00:09:53:840
You're gonna leave me there too?
169
00:09:55:200 --> 00:09:58:240
For the last time, I am sorry.
170
00:09:58:480 --> 00:10:00:400
Won't be the last time.
171
00:10:00:840 --> 00:10:03:040
I just wanna go home.
I'm cold and I'm wet.
172
00:10:03:280 --> 00:10:07:720
If you kick the back of my seat again,
you're gonna be colder and wetter.
173
00:10:08:840 --> 00:10:10:600
Ease up on him.
He's had a rough day.
174
00:10:10:800 --> 00:10:13:560
Yeah, my dad left me out in the rain.
175
00:10:14:200 --> 00:10:16:040
I'm sorry.
176
00:10:16:280 --> 00:10:17:800
What did I tell you?
177
00:10:20:400 --> 00:10:22:040
What's all this stuff on the floor?
178
00:10:22:240 --> 00:10:25:160
I don't know. Junk mail.
Parking tickets.
179
00:10:25:360 --> 00:10:28:040
- What's this?
- Satin blindfold.
180
00:10:29:400 --> 00:10:31:960
- For what?
- What do you mean, "For what"?
181
00:10:32:160 --> 00:10:33:440
In case I run into...
182
00:10:35:600 --> 00:10:37:080
...a pi�ata.
183
00:10:38:760 --> 00:10:40:880
- You're unbelievable.
- Don't judge.
184
00:10:41:080 --> 00:10:43:600
You felt up a Samoan dude.
185
00:10:45:080 --> 00:10:49:120
Hey, this is for me. From the IRS.
186
00:10:49:280 --> 00:10:51:920
It was mailed a month ago.
187
00:10:53:280 --> 00:10:55:640
Damn post office.
188
00:10:56:880 --> 00:10:58:920
Oh, perfect.
189
00:10:59:120 --> 00:11:02:000
- Just freaking perfect.
- Good news?
190
00:11:03:360 --> 00:11:05:080
I'm being audited.
191
00:11:05:280 --> 00:11:06:800
They wanna see me tomorrow.
192
00:11:07:240 --> 00:11:09:320
Oh, well, look at the upside.
193
00:11:09:720 --> 00:11:11:480
What upside?
194
00:11:12:920 --> 00:11:14:520
Yeah, okay, you got me.
195
00:11:15:480 --> 00:11:17:480
How could you forget
to give this to me?
196
00:11:18:080 --> 00:11:21:520
I don't know. How could you
forget your only son in the rain?
197
00:11:21:920 --> 00:11:24:280
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Watch the cleats.
198
00:11:30:480 --> 00:11:34:400
Let's go, sleepyhead.
Rise and shine, up and at 'em.
199
00:11:34:640 --> 00:11:38:560
Get out of my room
or I'll kill you with my bare hands.
200
00:11:38:800 --> 00:11:41:600
I'm being audited today.
You have to take Jake to school.
201
00:11:41:840 --> 00:11:43:640
Put him in a cab.
202
00:11:44:040 --> 00:11:45:920
Oh, please. I am counting on you.
203
00:11:46:200 --> 00:11:48:760
Then you're headed
for disappointment.
204
00:11:49:280 --> 00:11:52:120
You need to get Jake dressed,
make him his lunch...
205
00:11:52:360 --> 00:11:55:240
...and get him to school by 8, okay?
- Okay.
206
00:11:56:320 --> 00:11:58:480
- You're not moving.
- Yes, I am.
207
00:11:58:720 --> 00:12:00:800
I'm flipping you off under the covers.
208
00:12:03:400 --> 00:12:05:480
Get up!
209
00:12:07:360 --> 00:12:09:360
All right, I'm up.
210
00:12:09:840 --> 00:12:11:960
So you know what to do with Jake?
211
00:12:12:160 --> 00:12:14:680
You have to be responsible.
You have to be me today.
212
00:12:14:880 --> 00:12:18:120
- Think you can handle that?
- You left him out in the rain yesterday.
213
00:12:18:320 --> 00:12:20:200
It's not like you set the bar real high.
214
00:12:21:240 --> 00:12:22:640
- Charlie.
- Relax.
215
00:12:22:840 --> 00:12:25:160
I think I'm capable
of getting your kid to school.
216
00:12:25:400 --> 00:12:28:120
Good, because I really need your help.
217
00:12:28:960 --> 00:12:32:840
So... So I'm gonna leave now.
218
00:12:34:600 --> 00:12:36:480
You're all set, right?
219
00:12:36:760 --> 00:12:38:200
Charlie?
220
00:12:47:160 --> 00:12:49:680
Get up!
221
00:12:55:320 --> 00:12:57:080
Get dressed.
I'm taking you to school.
222
00:12:57:600 --> 00:12:59:840
I can't. I'm sick.
223
00:13:00:360 --> 00:13:02:640
Yeah, well, bite me.
224
00:13:03:440 --> 00:13:05:560
- Hey.
- Don't... Don't screw with me, shorty.
225
00:13:05:760 --> 00:13:08:080
I only got, like,
nine hours of sleep last night.
226
00:13:09:920 --> 00:13:12:920
- Now get dressed.
- I'm supposed to take a shower first.
227
00:13:16:640 --> 00:13:17:960
Sit near a window.
228
00:13:21:840 --> 00:13:25:280
- Here, put these on.
- I wore these yesterday.
229
00:13:25:520 --> 00:13:28:720
They're still extremely stylish.
Put them on.
230
00:13:29:800 --> 00:13:33:040
- Can I have some privacy, please?
- For what? You're 11.
231
00:13:33:320 --> 00:13:35:640
That's close to puberty.
232
00:13:36:640 --> 00:13:38:600
Okay, okay.
233
00:13:40:600 --> 00:13:41:880
I'm leaving.
234
00:13:47:400 --> 00:13:49:520
What am I, nuts?
235
00:14:01:600 --> 00:14:03:880
Get up!
236
00:14:06:760 --> 00:14:08:560
I could have dressed myself,
you know.
237
00:14:08:760 --> 00:14:11:040
You had your chance.
238
00:14:11:240 --> 00:14:13:320
I look stupid.
239
00:14:13:840 --> 00:14:16:720
Yeah, well, you're close to puberty.
240
00:14:16:960 --> 00:14:18:280
Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.
241
00:14:18:520 --> 00:14:21:240
No, no, no. I'll do it.
242
00:14:22:800 --> 00:14:24:200
That's spit.
243
00:14:24:440 --> 00:14:28:280
Hey, one man's saliva is another
man's mousse. Now shut up.
244
00:14:29:000 --> 00:14:30:880
There, you're beautiful. Let's go.
245
00:14:31:520 --> 00:14:34:120
- What about lunch?
- Sorry, I have plans.
246
00:14:35:560 --> 00:14:37:240
No, you're supposed to
make me lunch.
247
00:14:38:360 --> 00:14:40:600
Oh, all right, come on.
248
00:14:42:480 --> 00:14:45:200
You're not really a morning person,
are you?
249
00:14:45:440 --> 00:14:48:200
You're just saying that
because I spit on your head.
250
00:14:50:160 --> 00:14:52:960
- You like cold pizza, right?
- Sure.
251
00:14:59:240 --> 00:15:01:440
- This is frozen.
- Yeah. If you sit on it...
252
00:15:01:640 --> 00:15:03:640
...it'll thaw by lunch.
253
00:15:07:480 --> 00:15:10:120
My butt is freezing.
254
00:15:12:000 --> 00:15:13:320
You wanted pizza.
255
00:15:15:560 --> 00:15:17:480
All right, I'll put the seat warmer on.
256
00:15:17:680 --> 00:15:19:840
Cook it from both sides.
257
00:15:20:080 --> 00:15:23:800
- I like it better when my dad takes me.
- Oh, gee, you're not having fun?
258
00:15:24:000 --> 00:15:26:440
Because I'm farting rainbows
over here.
259
00:15:27:320 --> 00:15:30:000
First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.
260
00:15:30:480 --> 00:15:31:760
Hey, you know what?
261
00:15:32:000 --> 00:15:34:920
Your father works like a dog
to make sure you have everything.
262
00:15:35:440 --> 00:15:36:800
If he's not there for you...
263
00:15:37:040 --> 00:15:40:800
...it's just because he's trying
to stay out of federal prison.
264
00:15:44:440 --> 00:15:46:120
I think he needs to have sex.
265
00:15:47:840 --> 00:15:49:480
I was kidding about prison, Jake.
266
00:15:52:240 --> 00:15:54:000
What do you mean
he needs to have sex?
267
00:15:54:400 --> 00:15:56:160
Well, he's been really grumpy lately.
268
00:15:56:360 --> 00:15:59:520
You're usually in a good mood.
I figure it's because you have sex.
269
00:16:00:960 --> 00:16:04:920
Jake, it takes more than sex
to make a man happy.
270
00:16:06:120 --> 00:16:07:400
You also need money.
271
00:16:11:760 --> 00:16:13:440
All right, have a good day.
272
00:16:13:640 --> 00:16:16:160
- Learn something.
- This isn't my school.
273
00:16:17:120 --> 00:16:20:480
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't go to school here.
274
00:16:22:200 --> 00:16:24:160
Well, where do you go to school?
275
00:16:24:440 --> 00:16:26:240
Woodward Avenue Elementary.
276
00:16:26:520 --> 00:16:30:480
- And where the hell is that?
- Woodward Avenue, I guess.
277
00:16:31:960 --> 00:16:35:280
I don't know why you can't
tough it out here for one day.
278
00:16:35:480 --> 00:16:37:440
Make some new friends.
279
00:16:39:120 --> 00:16:40:600
Hey, Alan, it's Charlie.
280
00:16:40:800 --> 00:16:44:720
Look, I wanna ask you something but I
don't want you to read anything into it.
281
00:16:45:000 --> 00:16:46:880
Where exactly is Jake's school?
282
00:16:47:120 --> 00:16:49:440
You don 't know where his school is?
283
00:16:49:640 --> 00:16:51:520
What the hell is wrong with you?
284
00:16:51:720 --> 00:16:55:440
- Are you trying to kill me?
- You could be right about the sex thing.
285
00:16:58:320 --> 00:17:00:600
Okay, Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.
286
00:17:00:840 --> 00:17:02:240
Looks like they're closed.
287
00:17:02:440 --> 00:17:06:960
That's because I'm an hour late.
Even the crossing guard is gone.
288
00:17:09:040 --> 00:17:12:760
How about this? Why don't you just
bag school and we'll go catch a movie.
289
00:17:13:480 --> 00:17:16:560
- I can't skip school. I'm in the play.
- What play?
290
00:17:16:800 --> 00:17:19:240
The founding fathers' play.
You'll be there, right?
291
00:17:19:760 --> 00:17:21:960
Why would I be there?
292
00:17:22:320 --> 00:17:26:880
Because Mom's in Hawaii and Dad's got
that tax thing and you're all that's left.
293
00:17:28:120 --> 00:17:29:720
Oh, I'm all that's left.
294
00:17:29:960 --> 00:17:32:000
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.
295
00:17:33:680 --> 00:17:35:520
Okay. Where and when?
296
00:17:35:760 --> 00:17:37:680
In the auditorium after lunch.
297
00:17:37:920 --> 00:17:39:800
Oh, yeah. I need
a Ben Franklin costume.
298
00:17:40:480 --> 00:17:42:000
You're telling me this now?
299
00:17:42:240 --> 00:17:44:200
I told Mom but she's in Hawaii.
300
00:17:45:360 --> 00:17:47:160
All right.
301
00:17:47:440 --> 00:17:50:920
Let's see.
Washington, Jackson, Lincoln.
302
00:17:51:160 --> 00:17:53:440
Here we go. Benjamin Franklin.
303
00:17:53:920 --> 00:17:56:240
Why can't you be Lincoln?
304
00:17:56:600 --> 00:17:59:120
A beard, a mole, a top hat,
we're done.
305
00:17:59:400 --> 00:18:02:000
Because Lincoln
wasn't a founding father.
306
00:18:03:840 --> 00:18:05:760
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
307
00:18:06:000 --> 00:18:08:000
Now get out of here.
308
00:18:11:120 --> 00:18:12:640
Hey.
309
00:18:14:240 --> 00:18:16:160
You forgot your lunch.
310
00:18:16:360 --> 00:18:18:120
Hey.
311
00:18:24:320 --> 00:18:26:800
God, what a day.
312
00:18:26:960 --> 00:18:28:720
I don't wanna hear it.
313
00:18:28:920 --> 00:18:31:240
You know why I was being audited?
314
00:18:31:760 --> 00:18:36:040
Not because I have unsubstantiated
deductions. Which I have.
315
00:18:36:240 --> 00:18:39:200
Not because I take the occasional
cash payment from a client...
316
00:18:39:440 --> 00:18:42:080
...and forget to report it. Which I do.
317
00:18:42:240 --> 00:18:44:680
It was because no one at the IRS...
318
00:18:44:880 --> 00:18:49:360
...could believe I was paying
as much alimony as I claimed.
319
00:18:50:520 --> 00:18:53:400
It took me three hours
to convince them that, yes...
320
00:18:53:600 --> 00:18:56:200
...I am that big a schmuck.
321
00:18:57:080 --> 00:18:59:560
Oh, boo-hoo.
322
00:19:00:640 --> 00:19:02:880
You want a real fun time?
323
00:19:03:080 --> 00:19:05:680
Try finding an extra small
Ben Franklin costume...
324
00:19:05:840 --> 00:19:07:520
...at 9:00 in the morning.
325
00:19:08:320 --> 00:19:11:680
Oh, right. The play. How was it?
326
00:19:12:320 --> 00:19:14:960
Boffo. A smash.
327
00:19:16:120 --> 00:19:19:680
Among the highlights were a 12-year-old
Chinese George Washington...
328
00:19:19:880 --> 00:19:22:640
...with a powdered wig
and a snot bubble...
329
00:19:23:480 --> 00:19:26:000
...and your kid in a bald cap
and granny glasses...
330
00:19:26:200 --> 00:19:30:840
...holding a Tweety Bird kite and
announcing he's discovered elasticity.
331
00:19:31:600 --> 00:19:33:920
- Oh, I wish I'd seen it.
- Don't worry, you will.
332
00:19:34:160 --> 00:19:36:960
It was videotaped
from about 150 different angles.
333
00:19:37:360 --> 00:19:39:320
I should tell him
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
334
00:19:39:560 --> 00:19:42:200
- Yeah, you should.
- Is he in his room?
335
00:20:11:920 --> 00:20:14:000
Here you go, pal. Your favorite.
336
00:20:14:200 --> 00:20:16:200
Bacon double cheeseburger
and cheese fries.
337
00:20:16:440 --> 00:20:19:600
And for dessert, I got fudge brownies
with that ice cream you like.
338
00:20:19:840 --> 00:20:22:120
Is this supposed to
make up for everything?
339
00:20:24:200 --> 00:20:26:040
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.
340
00:20:27:080 --> 00:20:30:000
Look, Jake, I know it's been rough
and I'm sorry.
341
00:20:30:240 --> 00:20:32:640
We're human, we make mistakes.
But I promise you...
342
00:20:32:880 --> 00:20:36:680
...neither of us will ever,
ever forget to pick you up again.
343
00:20:36:920 --> 00:20:39:360
Yeah, I still wanna go back to Mom's.
344
00:20:39:560 --> 00:20:42:360
When is she coming home
from Hawaii, anyway?
345
00:20:45:440 --> 00:20:47:240
Oh, crap.
346
00:21:16:360 --> 00:21:18:400
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347
00:21:18:600 --> 00:21:20:640
[ENGLISH]
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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