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1
00:00:02:640 --> 00:00:05:160
Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.
2
00:00:05:440 --> 00:00:09:720
Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.
3
00:00:10:280 --> 00:00:12:080
You mean me?
4
00:00:12:280 --> 00:00:15:440
Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.
5
00:00:16:760 --> 00:00:19:000
What am I supposed to do?
6
00:00:19:240 --> 00:00:21:400
- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.
7
00:00:21:600 --> 00:00:23:760
- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.
8
00:00:23:960 --> 00:00:25:880
- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.
9
00:00:26:080 --> 00:00:27:800
Who's the moron now?
10
00:00:29:280 --> 00:00:32:600
Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.
11
00:00:32:840 --> 00:00:36:000
There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.
12
00:00:36:200 --> 00:00:38:280
Dial this number, and ask for Coop.
13
00:00:38:520 --> 00:00:42:480
Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.
14
00:00:42:720 --> 00:00:44:520
Do I get to make
some picks this time?
15
00:00:44:760 --> 00:00:47:800
- You got money?
- Lf you pay me what you owe me.
16
00:00:48:040 --> 00:00:51:080
Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.
17
00:00:52:680 --> 00:00:55:880
- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.
18
00:00:56:160 --> 00:00:58:560
- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?
19
00:00:58:800 --> 00:01:00:480
Got a hunch.
20
00:01:01:320 --> 00:01:03:160
You've got him thinking about college?
21
00:01:03:400 --> 00:01:07:040
You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?
22
00:01:08:000 --> 00:01:09:960
Sit down,
I have to tell you something.
23
00:01:10:120 --> 00:01:11:680
What?
24
00:01:14:440 --> 00:01:16:320
The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.
25
00:01:16:880 --> 00:01:18:960
- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...
26
00:01:19:120 --> 00:01:22:320
...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.
27
00:01:22:600 --> 00:01:24:120
What procedure?
28
00:01:24:800 --> 00:01:26:240
A colonoscopy.
29
00:01:26:480 --> 00:01:29:160
Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.
30
00:01:29:360 --> 00:01:32:120
They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.
31
00:01:34:000 --> 00:01:36:880
Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...
32
00:01:37:080 --> 00:01:41:920
...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"...
33
00:01:42:120 --> 00:01:44:400
...as opposed to "shove."
34
00:01:44:640 --> 00:01:47:520
Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.
35
00:01:47:720 --> 00:01:50:400
- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?
36
00:01:50:640 --> 00:01:51:960
No, you crazy?
37
00:01:52:200 --> 00:01:55:480
But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.
38
00:01:55:680 --> 00:01:58:360
In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.
39
00:02:00:480 --> 00:02:02:240
Besides, you're unconscious.
40
00:02:02:480 --> 00:02:06:280
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.
41
00:02:06:480 --> 00:02:09:920
- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.
42
00:02:11:440 --> 00:02:13:760
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.
43
00:02:13:960 --> 00:02:17:040
Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.
44
00:02:49:600 --> 00:02:51:000
- Damn it.
- What?
45
00:02:51:200 --> 00:02:52:760
The sink's stopped up again.
46
00:02:52:960 --> 00:02:56:280
That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.
47
00:02:57:000 --> 00:02:59:760
- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.
48
00:03:00:000 --> 00:03:03:680
If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.
49
00:03:25:520 --> 00:03:27:200
How about that?
50
00:03:27:840 --> 00:03:30:240
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.
51
00:03:30:440 --> 00:03:32:080
Pirate ships?
52
00:03:32:280 --> 00:03:34:080
Full-service gas stations.
53
00:03:34:920 --> 00:03:36:560
I fail to see the connection.
54
00:03:37:120 --> 00:03:40:680
Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.
55
00:03:42:120 --> 00:03:44:360
Dipsticks being pulled out.
56
00:03:46:000 --> 00:03:47:600
Do I have to draw you a picture?
57
00:03:48:160 --> 00:03:49:440
You know what?
58
00:03:49:680 --> 00:03:51:920
You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.
59
00:03:52:160 --> 00:03:55:480
Come on! Get in there, you sucker!
60
00:04:02:800 --> 00:04:05:040
Easy for you to say.
61
00:04:05:760 --> 00:04:07:040
How about this?
62
00:04:07:240 --> 00:04:10:320
How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?
63
00:04:10:880 --> 00:04:12:360
Just like that? What about Jake?
64
00:04:12:600 --> 00:04:14:800
Oh, yeah, Jake.
65
00:04:15:040 --> 00:04:18:320
Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...
66
00:04:18:520 --> 00:04:20:960
...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.
67
00:04:22:040 --> 00:04:24:120
- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...
68
00:04:24:320 --> 00:04:27:120
...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...
69
00:04:27:320 --> 00:04:30:080
...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.
70
00:04:30:320 --> 00:04:34:600
It just won't go in.
71
00:04:37:800 --> 00:04:40:680
- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.
72
00:04:40:880 --> 00:04:44:720
And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.
73
00:04:45:640 --> 00:04:48:120
Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.
74
00:04:48:320 --> 00:04:50:680
Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.
75
00:04:50:920 --> 00:04:52:520
Perfect, now I can't get it out.
76
00:04:55:800 --> 00:04:57:880
You know what? Why not?
One way or another...
77
00:04:58:080 --> 00:05:01:000
...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.
78
00:05:01:240 --> 00:05:04:080
Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.
79
00:05:11:400 --> 00:05:13:360
Pinky? Berta.
80
00:05:13:560 --> 00:05:17:720
Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.
81
00:05:18:240 --> 00:05:19:800
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.
82
00:05:20:000 --> 00:05:21:880
One for Alan Harper and son...
83
00:05:22:080 --> 00:05:26:120
...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.
84
00:05:27:800 --> 00:05:29:520
No, I don't want connecting rooms.
85
00:05:29:720 --> 00:05:31:760
Weren't you listening?
86
00:05:32:000 --> 00:05:34:760
In fact, put mine on a different floor.
87
00:05:34:960 --> 00:05:36:920
Come on, let's go.
88
00:05:37:160 --> 00:05:39:640
Now, what's playing
in your showroom?
89
00:05:39:880 --> 00:05:42:760
Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.
90
00:05:43:040 --> 00:05:45:080
Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...
91
00:05:45:280 --> 00:05:47:320
...but is it a family show?
92
00:05:49:400 --> 00:05:52:560
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?
93
00:05:53:880 --> 00:05:57:680
All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.
94
00:06:00:400 --> 00:06:03:640
- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.
95
00:06:05:360 --> 00:06:08:400
- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.
96
00:06:09:080 --> 00:06:12:200
- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.
97
00:06:12:880 --> 00:06:14:800
All right, we'll pick some up there.
98
00:06:15:040 --> 00:06:17:360
They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.
99
00:06:21:920 --> 00:06:23:560
What's going on? Aren't you ready?
100
00:06:23:760 --> 00:06:26:280
- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?
101
00:06:27:720 --> 00:06:29:960
- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.
102
00:06:30:200 --> 00:06:33:680
- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.
103
00:06:34:600 --> 00:06:38:200
Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.
104
00:06:38:440 --> 00:06:41:760
- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.
105
00:06:41:960 --> 00:06:43:880
What if we take him someplace nice?
106
00:06:44:080 --> 00:06:45:560
Take him someplace nice?
107
00:06:45:800 --> 00:06:48:920
Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.
108
00:06:49:600 --> 00:06:52:080
- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.
109
00:06:52:320 --> 00:06:54:880
- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.
110
00:06:57:360 --> 00:06:59:000
Now, come on. Let's go.
111
00:06:59:240 --> 00:07:03:080
- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?
112
00:07:03:360 --> 00:07:04:880
I changed the phone message...
113
00:07:05:080 --> 00:07:08:480
...to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...
114
00:07:08:720 --> 00:07:12:400
...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...
115
00:07:12:640 --> 00:07:15:200
...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...
116
00:07:15:400 --> 00:07:17:280
...and I erased an old Mad Libs book...
117
00:07:17:480 --> 00:07:20:000
...so we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.
118
00:07:21:280 --> 00:07:22:480
- Mad Libs, huh?
- Yeah.
119
00:07:22:680 --> 00:07:24:080
Let me see that.
120
00:07:24:280 --> 00:07:27:080
Go get packed!
121
00:07:31:720 --> 00:07:33:400
Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.
122
00:07:33:600 --> 00:07:37:760
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
123
00:07:38:000 --> 00:07:39:480
How does that help me?
124
00:07:39:680 --> 00:07:42:640
I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.
125
00:07:42:840 --> 00:07:45:560
Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...
126
00:07:45:800 --> 00:07:49:760
...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.
127
00:07:52:560 --> 00:07:54:960
Well, then you know how irritating it is.
128
00:07:56:600 --> 00:07:58:480
- Blackjack.
- That's it?
129
00:07:58:720 --> 00:08:00:440
Yep. You owe me another dollar.
130
00:08:01:680 --> 00:08:03:760
- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?
131
00:08:04:000 --> 00:08:05:800
Just deal the cards.
132
00:08:06:040 --> 00:08:08:680
Attaboy.
133
00:08:09:400 --> 00:08:11:160
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?
134
00:08:12:280 --> 00:08:14:920
- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...
135
00:08:15:120 --> 00:08:17:400
...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.
136
00:08:18:000 --> 00:08:21:400
- And?
- I don't believe it.
137
00:08:22:040 --> 00:08:24:080
Believe it.
138
00:08:24:600 --> 00:08:27:760
Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?
139
00:08:29:960 --> 00:08:33:280
- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?
140
00:08:33:520 --> 00:08:37:720
- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?
141
00:08:39:920 --> 00:08:44:400
Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.
142
00:08:45:280 --> 00:08:49:320
- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.
143
00:08:51:040 --> 00:08:53:360
Well, the house always takes a cut.
144
00:08:56:160 --> 00:08:58:840
- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.
145
00:08:59:040 --> 00:09:01:200
Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."
146
00:09:01:400 --> 00:09:03:280
If you want a card, you go like this.
147
00:09:03:520 --> 00:09:05:160
Okay, fine.
148
00:09:08:280 --> 00:09:12:120
- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?
149
00:09:12:720 --> 00:09:14:280
You go like this.
150
00:09:14:920 --> 00:09:16:880
That's what I meant to do.
151
00:09:18:400 --> 00:09:20:960
There's no do-overs in Vegas.
152
00:09:21:200 --> 00:09:23:440
What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?
153
00:09:23:680 --> 00:09:25:960
There is no signal,
you just get up and go.
154
00:09:26:200 --> 00:09:29:640
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.
155
00:09:29:880 --> 00:09:33:320
- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...
156
00:09:33:560 --> 00:09:36:000
...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.
157
00:09:36:800 --> 00:09:40:080
I have to do math and pee my pants?
158
00:09:44:280 --> 00:09:45:520
Alan, are you ready yet?
159
00:09:45:760 --> 00:09:47:040
Just about.
160
00:09:47:320 --> 00:09:51:360
- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
161
00:09:51:600 --> 00:09:54:800
- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.
162
00:09:56:400 --> 00:09:58:680
I don't wanna look, but I gotta.
163
00:10:00:480 --> 00:10:03:680
In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.
164
00:10:03:880 --> 00:10:07:320
- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.
165
00:10:09:480 --> 00:10:12:840
Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.
166
00:10:13:040 --> 00:10:16:080
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.
167
00:10:16:280 --> 00:10:18:520
Now you made me lose count.
168
00:10:19:480 --> 00:10:22:680
Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.
169
00:10:22:880 --> 00:10:25:440
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?
170
00:10:26:040 --> 00:10:29:080
- I have a system.
- Do tell.
171
00:10:29:320 --> 00:10:32:320
I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.
172
00:10:32:560 --> 00:10:34:360
The first one is for day one.
173
00:10:34:520 --> 00:10:36:120
That I'll put in my money belt.
174
00:10:36:720 --> 00:10:38:960
You're wearing a money belt?
175
00:10:39:120 --> 00:10:40:800
Oh, good, you can't tell.
176
00:10:41:000 --> 00:10:42:680
I was afraid it made me look chunky.
177
00:10:44:480 --> 00:10:48:280
Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...
178
00:10:48:480 --> 00:10:51:760
...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...
179
00:10:52:000 --> 00:10:53:880
...which would be
the start of day two.
180
00:10:54:160 --> 00:10:57:840
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?
181
00:10:58:680 --> 00:11:00:400
That's the most important pile.
182
00:11:00:600 --> 00:11:04:880
That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.
183
00:11:05:560 --> 00:11:10:160
- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it...
184
00:11:10:320 --> 00:11:13:520
...so that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...
185
00:11:13:720 --> 00:11:17:800
...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.
186
00:11:19:080 --> 00:11:21:600
- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?
187
00:11:21:840 --> 00:11:23:160
Yeah. That's a nice boot.
188
00:11:23:360 --> 00:11:25:200
- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.
189
00:11:25:400 --> 00:11:28:720
Get dressed and let's go!
190
00:11:44:240 --> 00:11:46:040
Okay.
191
00:11:46:920 --> 00:11:50:080
- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.
192
00:11:51:520 --> 00:11:53:400
Oh, 27.
193
00:11:53:640 --> 00:11:56:080
Close, 29.
194
00:11:56:840 --> 00:11:58:360
Okay, I'm good.
195
00:11:59:000 --> 00:12:01:360
Alrighty.
196
00:12:10:560 --> 00:12:13:040
Viva Las Vegas.
197
00:12:14:080 --> 00:12:16:280
- Oh, Alan.
- What?
198
00:12:16:560 --> 00:12:19:000
We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.
199
00:12:21:680 --> 00:12:23:160
Should I change?
200
00:12:23:960 --> 00:12:26:680
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.
201
00:12:30:760 --> 00:12:34:320
- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.
202
00:12:34:560 --> 00:12:36:920
- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.
203
00:12:37:120 --> 00:12:39:440
Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.
204
00:12:41:960 --> 00:12:44:040
Get in the car. Jake, come on.
205
00:12:44:240 --> 00:12:48:360
- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?
206
00:12:53:360 --> 00:12:55:240
Okay, let's go.
207
00:13:01:760 --> 00:13:05:560
- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.
208
00:13:05:760 --> 00:13:09:000
Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?
209
00:13:09:240 --> 00:13:11:920
So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.
210
00:13:13:760 --> 00:13:16:560
They built that city on a sea of vomit.
211
00:13:17:320 --> 00:13:19:960
- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.
212
00:13:20:200 --> 00:13:24:280
You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?
213
00:13:24:520 --> 00:13:28:000
He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.
214
00:13:29:400 --> 00:13:31:200
- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.
215
00:13:31:400 --> 00:13:33:680
- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.
216
00:13:33:920 --> 00:13:35:760
What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?
217
00:13:36:000 --> 00:13:38:480
Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...
218
00:13:38:680 --> 00:13:42:640
...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.
219
00:13:42:840 --> 00:13:45:560
That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.
220
00:13:45:760 --> 00:13:49:560
Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.
221
00:13:49:800 --> 00:13:55:600
Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.
222
00:13:56:280 --> 00:13:57:640
Okay, it's not what he ate.
223
00:13:59:400 --> 00:14:02:480
Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.
224
00:14:02:720 --> 00:14:05:160
That explains the orange vomit.
225
00:14:05:400 --> 00:14:06:840
It's probably a stomach virus.
226
00:14:07:080 --> 00:14:08:880
Oh, please. I throw up all the time.
227
00:14:09:080 --> 00:14:12:440
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."
228
00:14:12:680 --> 00:14:15:520
- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.
229
00:14:15:720 --> 00:14:18:600
- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.
230
00:14:18:800 --> 00:14:22:360
I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.
231
00:14:22:640 --> 00:14:25:920
You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.
232
00:14:27:400 --> 00:14:29:160
I'll get it.
233
00:14:31:320 --> 00:14:33:080
Hello? Hey, Mom.
234
00:14:33:920 --> 00:14:36:240
Fine. Nothing.
235
00:14:36:480 --> 00:14:38:680
I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...
236
00:14:38:880 --> 00:14:42:360
...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!
237
00:14:43:120 --> 00:14:44:920
What kind of a father are you?
238
00:14:45:160 --> 00:14:48:040
I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.
239
00:14:48:280 --> 00:14:51:120
But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.
240
00:14:51:720 --> 00:14:54:200
It's really a family town now.
241
00:14:55:640 --> 00:14:59:240
The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.
242
00:14:59:440 --> 00:15:01:880
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.
243
00:15:02:120 --> 00:15:04:160
Were you planning on
telling me about this?
244
00:15:04:400 --> 00:15:06:800
What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.
245
00:15:08:600 --> 00:15:10:320
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.
246
00:15:11:560 --> 00:15:14:720
- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.
247
00:15:14:960 --> 00:15:17:120
Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?
248
00:15:17:360 --> 00:15:19:120
- What bets?
- Who's Coop?
249
00:15:19:360 --> 00:15:22:040
Go lie down. You're delirious.
250
00:15:24:360 --> 00:15:28:480
Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.
251
00:15:28:720 --> 00:15:30:040
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
252
00:15:30:320 --> 00:15:32:440
- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.
253
00:15:32:640 --> 00:15:34:640
Let me finish.
254
00:15:34:840 --> 00:15:36:680
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...
255
00:15:36:920 --> 00:15:38:960
Charlie, don't. It's personal.
256
00:15:39:160 --> 00:15:40:480
She has a right to know.
257
00:15:41:120 --> 00:15:44:120
Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.
258
00:15:44:360 --> 00:15:46:600
Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?
259
00:15:46:800 --> 00:15:51:920
Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.
260
00:15:52:160 --> 00:15:55:680
- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.
261
00:15:55:920 --> 00:16:00:520
- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.
262
00:16:00:760 --> 00:16:02:080
That's it?
263
00:16:02:640 --> 00:16:06:360
Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.
264
00:16:06:600 --> 00:16:08:720
Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...
265
00:16:08:920 --> 00:16:10:960
...and his head was
the same size it is now.
266
00:16:12:040 --> 00:16:14:160
That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?
267
00:16:14:400 --> 00:16:16:360
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.
268
00:16:16:560 --> 00:16:20:040
- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.
269
00:16:20:240 --> 00:16:24:000
Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick...
270
00:16:24:240 --> 00:16:26:880
...so you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.
271
00:16:27:120 --> 00:16:29:560
He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.
272
00:16:29:800 --> 00:16:31:920
I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.
273
00:16:32:120 --> 00:16:34:080
And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...
274
00:16:34:280 --> 00:16:36:640
...you'll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.
275
00:16:38:800 --> 00:16:41:640
I've seen your alimony checks.
276
00:16:41:840 --> 00:16:44:040
You already got one.
277
00:16:47:200 --> 00:16:48:760
So, what's the deal?
Are we going?
278
00:16:49:000 --> 00:16:51:120
- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.
279
00:16:51:360 --> 00:16:54:960
- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.
280
00:16:55:160 --> 00:16:57:640
Don't eat anything orange.
281
00:16:58:680 --> 00:17:01:520
- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.
282
00:17:01:760 --> 00:17:04:040
I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...
283
00:17:04:240 --> 00:17:07:960
...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.
284
00:17:08:160 --> 00:17:09:960
You were living here
for three weeks...
285
00:17:10:160 --> 00:17:13:280
...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.
286
00:17:13:960 --> 00:17:16:000
Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.
287
00:17:16:240 --> 00:17:20:160
There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.
288
00:17:21:760 --> 00:17:24:280
We're men, Alan. Single men.
289
00:17:24:560 --> 00:17:27:480
We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.
290
00:17:27:720 --> 00:17:29:560
Usually without so much toiletries...
291
00:17:29:800 --> 00:17:33:360
...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.
292
00:17:33:600 --> 00:17:36:960
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior...
293
00:17:37:200 --> 00:17:39:840
...no matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.
294
00:17:40:000 --> 00:17:42:800
- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...
295
00:17:43:040 --> 00:17:45:840
...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...
296
00:17:46:040 --> 00:17:51:440
...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?
297
00:17:54:960 --> 00:17:56:400
You know what? You're right.
298
00:17:56:600 --> 00:17:58:200
- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?
299
00:17:58:480 --> 00:18:01:040
- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.
300
00:18:02:960 --> 00:18:05:640
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
301
00:18:08:600 --> 00:18:11:040
It's okay. It's mostly water.
302
00:18:15:160 --> 00:18:18:360
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.
303
00:18:18:560 --> 00:18:20:360
Nope. You're too sick.
304
00:18:20:600 --> 00:18:22:400
Some other time.
305
00:18:22:600 --> 00:18:25:040
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.
306
00:18:25:280 --> 00:18:26:600
Hey, it's not your fault.
307
00:18:26:800 --> 00:18:28:680
It's your dad who won't let you go.
308
00:18:30:240 --> 00:18:32:880
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?
309
00:18:33:720 --> 00:18:36:840
Here. Put this on Wake Forest.
310
00:18:38:880 --> 00:18:41:160
Game's over, Jake. They lost.
311
00:18:41:400 --> 00:18:45:400
- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.
312
00:18:47:000 --> 00:18:48:320
Give me back my money.
313
00:18:50:880 --> 00:18:52:320
Get some rest.
314
00:18:52:520 --> 00:18:55:720
- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.
315
00:18:58:280 --> 00:19:01:040
- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.
316
00:19:01:240 --> 00:19:04:120
Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.
317
00:19:04:280 --> 00:19:05:920
Well, he gets that from you.
318
00:19:06:200 --> 00:19:07:480
You think so?
319
00:19:07:640 --> 00:19:11:680
- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.
320
00:19:11:920 --> 00:19:14:680
Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.
321
00:19:14:880 --> 00:19:16:840
He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.
322
00:19:17:080 --> 00:19:18:840
No, no, I couldn't go now.
323
00:19:19:080 --> 00:19:21:400
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.
324
00:19:21:600 --> 00:19:24:680
You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.
325
00:19:24:920 --> 00:19:27:240
Probably? Unquestionably.
326
00:19:27:480 --> 00:19:29:600
- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.
327
00:19:29:800 --> 00:19:33:040
It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.
328
00:19:33:280 --> 00:19:35:720
Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.
329
00:19:37:080 --> 00:19:39:160
How inconvenient.
330
00:19:40:240 --> 00:19:44:360
- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.
331
00:19:55:160 --> 00:19:56:880
Berta?
332
00:20:01:400 --> 00:20:03:360
Surprise!
333
00:20:14:040 --> 00:20:15:520
I'm gonna start the IV.
334
00:20:15:720 --> 00:20:17:720
In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.
335
00:20:17:920 --> 00:20:21:080
No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.
336
00:20:21:320 --> 00:20:22:960
Don't worry, you will be.
337
00:20:23:160 --> 00:20:25:760
- Right, doctor?
- Aye.
338
00:20:26:000 --> 00:20:30:240
You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.
339
00:20:38:320 --> 00:20:41:800
Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.
340
00:20:43:400 --> 00:20:46:960
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.
341
00:21:13:040 --> 00:21:15:040
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342
00:21:15:240 --> 00:21:17:320
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