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♪

A day in the life would be...

It would be very lonely.

Thoughts were very powerful,

they would kind of control
everything I could do from...

It was more than just the food,

it was who you spoke to,

it was whether you
walked somewhere

or whether you got the bus.

♪

I would wake up
thinking about food

and thinking about my body.

I would look at
myself in the mirror

and be insanely critical
over how I looked.

I was so horrible to
myself every single day.

♪

And here in the UK,

I just couldn't see someone
organically loving their body,

and I was a bit disappointed.

♪

What started out as, you know,

let's just take better
care of ourselves

really, really quickly
turned into something

horribly destructive.

♪

♪

♪

Two more.

Ah!

♪

Every waking moment of my life

was simply thought around
food... When I was gonna eat,

how much of it I
was going to eat,

when I was going to exercise,

how hard I was
going to exercise.

That was just the running
conversation in my...

It was almost like
there was someone else,

like a demon living in my head

just being horrible to me 24/7.

Come on.

Push!

I bought into a pro
bodybuilder's diet

and training plan,

and I was probably
training seven days a week.

I reckon I was eating
1,500, 1,600 calories a day

spread out over seven meals,

so every meal was
like the portion size

for a rabbit or a small child.

I then add some MyProtein
maple syrup flavor drops,

'cause these make everything
taste super duper nice.

My gym sessions tended to
consist of two sessions a day

over six or seven days a week.

Each session, I
probably had to do

an hour and a half of
cardio every morning,

and then an hour to
an hour and a half

of weights every day.

I started to lose my
mind, quite literally.

♪

I remember standing in front
of chillers in supermarkets

for what felt like
forever in utter panic.

"What am I going to eat?

How many calories
has that got in it?

How many grams of fat?"

Just absolute panic.

And the more malnourished I was,

the more that panic
was unmanageable.

Genuinely, it was like
my head was on fire,

like the whole time.

Imagine a fire alarm
going off constantly.

And you know, like, the beeps
that are right in your ear

and you can hear the
ringing and it's really...

It's obnoxious and
it's just constant

and you can't really
think straight?

♪

One extreme was this religious
calorie-tracking obsession

behind what I was doing

to the point then of overwhelm,

where I'd think,
"Oh, stuff this,

I can't do it anymore,"
and then I would binge eat.

And so on my binges, I
would probably consume

somewhere between 10,000
and 15,000 calories

in one sitting,

and I would always
look forward to that.

It's celebrated, almost,
in today's day and age

as a cheat meal.

Now, my cheat meal,
I would order in

an extra large Domino's pizza.

I would eat all of that

alongside four slices
of garlic bread,

four cookies, one or
two tubs of Häagen-Dazs

or Ben and Jerry's ice cream,

and then one or two bars
of family sized chocolate,

you know?

♪

I had reached way
beyond my goal weight.

I was underweight, and
I was really small.

I just... I remember flying
home from my friend's house,

I'd been to see
her in Newcastle,

and I bought an entire packet,

like a family sized
packet of biscuits,

and I tipped them all
into my hand luggage

so that I could secretly
eat them on the way home,

because I knew that
when I went home,

I would have to get back on it.

You know, I'd have
to start it again.

So this was my last
supper, they call it.

"Oh, well, I've eaten
three biscuits now.

Last supper, I'll eat
everything in the entire house,

and then I'll start
again tomorrow,

I'll get back on it, I'll
be good again tomorrow."

♪

You can imagine how horrific
I would feel after doing that,

but I was punishing
and purging myself

because I thought, well,
I've broken my diet rules,

so I might as well
keep breaking them

and then I'll
start again Monday.

And that's the cycle
that I found myself in.

Then it got a little bit
darker, so I would overeat,

and then try and
make myself sick.

♪

And those "last supper" moments

were becoming more and
more uncontrollable.

And I remember
standing in the queue

having landed back home

and having destroyed
all the evidence

of everything I've eaten
and just bursting into tears

and thinking, "There is
something horribly wrong.

This isn't okay."

And initially, I was so confused

because I felt like
I had everything

that I thought I wanted,

and I couldn't understand

why I couldn't
control myself enough

to keep this gift that
I had gifted myself,

you know, this end result
that was meant to be utopia.

♪

I looked stereotypically perfect
in terms of society's terms,

you know, what we perceive
to be a perfect body,

I guess I had obtained it.

♪

I developed an eating
disorder in my teens,

when I was about 15
years old at school.

It kind of began as
just casual dieting,

eating a little bit less.

I lost a little bit of weight,

and then it became
more and more extreme,

to the point where
I was diagnosed

with anorexia nervosa.

Certain foods I
felt I shouldn't eat

'cause I wanted to lose weight

or other people were
kind of demonizing them.

So at school, we had a canteen,

and at break time,
everyone would buy a snack.

And some people would just
have an apple or have nothing,

and slowly I became more aware

of foods that were kind
of weight loss foods

and foods that weren't.

♪

Growing up, I definitely
turned to food as an escape.

So my mom and dad
divorced when I was eight.

It was very, very, very messy,

and food was an outlet for me.

I was taught the
good and bad of food

but as a child I never
quite saw food as that,

I just saw it as like...
Almost like a friend

that I could turn to and
it would make me happy.

And when I was about
10, I believe it was,

my dad took me to a dietician,

and I just remember
it just being

a very, very
serious conversation

of like my weight
and the size I was.

♪

As I developed more and
more into the illness,

it did become about weight,
and it was a very rigid control

of the number on the scales,

and that became the focus.

And my view of
exercise also changed.

I used to just love
being an outdoors person,

and then over the
years at school,

it became more of a
routine that I must do,

another way of controlling,
kind of, my behavior.

♪

So my dad has always been
very fitness conscious.

He's very into the
good and bad food idea.

It would simply be like
my dad would monitor,

so if we'd gone out
the night before,

we'd had some food,

like it would be a mixture
of burger and chips one night

and then maybe something
like a pasta dish the next.

Like whereas my mom, it
would be what we wanted.

So we had a bit
of a free-for-all.

♪

And I kept getting
progressively more unwell,

and so eventually,
I was admitted

to an inpatient unit.

I've been in twice, once
when I was at school,

so I missed my final
year of school,

and I received treatment
for quite a long time,

about nine months, but
I was still mentally

in a very bad place.

And so unfortunately,
I relapsed,

and this time quite badly.

I got to a very, very low BMI,

and a very poor physical
and mental state

and was admitted
to hospital again.

And I think that's when I
felt like I hit rock bottom.

I... I didn't leave the
unit for a very long time.

♪

Oh, man.

Long nails are the enemy

of progress

when it comes to
doing eyelashes.

But I have to be cute.

My biological mom was
really verbally abusive

towards me and my body,

and I think that's when I
started hating who I was.

She'd always say to me
that my face was beautiful

and I was really pretty,

but it was just a shame
that my body didn't match.

And hearing that when
you're seven, eight, nine,

10, 11, 12, 16, 18,

your mom's voice becomes
your inner voice.

That's just life, that's...

You're the product
of your environment.

♪

There we go, there's the fringe.

This is who I recognize.

Oh.

I'm so used to having lashes,

but I'm au naturale today.

Come on.

When I was a child,
I was molested

by a biological...
Not foster family...

Biological family member.

That was never dealt with,

and I was just told
that it was my fault.

When I was 13, I
got raped again,

but I couldn't talk
to anyone about it.

I didn't really
understand what sex was,

let alone rape.

I couldn't even fight
valiantly, you know?

When people go into battle,

even if they know
they're gonna die,

they still just,
"Ahhh! For Sparta!"

Or whatever, but I
didn't have that at all.

I felt like everyone
had some kind of armor

or weaponry on,

and I was just a
young girl there

in rag clothes, like sackcloth,

and I just got shot,
killed, assaulted, murdered,

and I didn't have any control
or any choice over it.

And because I didn't fight,
because I couldn't fight,

I hated myself for it,

and I detached
myself from my body

for a very, very,
very long time.

I binge-ate and over...

I just never heard

about being intuitive
with my own body,

and I didn't really
like my body,

so the prospect of
having to listen to it

or be in it in order
to respond to it

in a way that was
beneficial to me

was wildly alien.

And being a disabled person

just made that an
awful lot harder.

Being in the medical system

and actually not always being
physically capable of eating

and getting my nutrition orally.

♪

- That's all right.
- Yeah, probably fine.

No, I didn't notice immediately.

And I think she...
Hannah had slimmed down,

but actually I remember
thinking she looked...

I mean, she was still...
She wasn't skinny,

but she'd definitely
slimmed down,

and she was always
quite a keen cyclist.

And I remember we went cycling

just before it all
sort of got really bad,

and I just remember thinking
that she looked lovely,

and I didn't think
for one minute

that it was the problem it was.

And I started to realize that
she was losing more weight,

and then I got worried.

And then I think the school
asked us to talk to them.

♪

Certainly, when Hannah
was an adolescent,

the therapy was based on
the parents taking control

and actually having a meal plan

and making them stick
to the meal plan

so they ate everything
on the table,

and we could be there
at two in the morning

trying to get a yogurt in,

and that caused a huge conflict.

Ultimately, when the disorder's
so much about control,

if someone's trying to
force you to do something,

they're taking everything
out of your control.

And I think the times
when you tried to force me

were the times when
the eating disorder

fought back harder than ever.

So it's meant to be
early intervention...

Eating disorders
are not about food.

They're never about food.

When something goes
wrong with eating,

then we know that
there's something

really fundamental going wrong.

And that's why treatments
for eating disorders

are long and
complex and intense.

There's a kind of wish sometimes

for it to be about the food

because that would
just be much easier.

- And she said Sydenham Hill.
- Yeah.

I've never, ever,
ever spoken to my dad,

but I know, growing
up, my dad...

I believe it was protecting
me from being fat,

because, in that day and age,

and I mean, it's still here now,

but being fat was bad,

and I think he thought
me being bigger

would limit my chances
of having a good life

and succeeding and doing well.

I actually ended up
with an eating disorder,

which lasted for
about six years,

so I suffered terribly
from binge-eating disorder,

and that was closely linked
with body dysmorphia,

so I had in my mind that I
needed to look a certain way.

I was kind of
placing my happiness

in something external,

and it just led to very
extreme food style behaviors,

so having come from
a good relationship

with food growing up,

it soon went south
very, very quickly.

Think of bigorexia
like reverse anorexia.

Instead of people who
really want to be thin

and desperately
want to lose weight,

you have predominantly young men

who want to be more muscular,

and the sort of
diet and training

that they involve
themselves with

are geared toward
becoming more muscular.

Muscle dysmorphia is
not dangerous, per se,

but it is debilitating,
and that's different.

People who have really
high levels of anxiety

are debilitated by it.

Like, it can ruin their life.

And we see a similar thing
with muscle dysmorphia.

Are you an idiot?

What is this?

You'd better do
your dancing again.

I think it is celebrating
a disordered behavior

in relationship with food,

and it's an attempt to
legitimize that behavior

by giving it another name.

But I think if we take the
cheat meal concept out of it

and we look at it
for what it is,

I think it's fairly obvious
that it's a disordered behavior

to engage with with food.

I didn't treat my body
with any amount of love,

I was so detached from it.

Be it the small things,
like... sounds silly,

but as a Black woman,
just cleaning my skin.

I hated it.

I hated the skin.

I hated the skin that
didn't do anything for me.

Or eating unhealthily,

not necessarily binge-eating,

but not eating
throughout the whole day

and then eating at
11 o'clock at night.

Worst thing you can do,

it's so bad for your
digestive system.

Sexually, no
boundaries, no walls,

no "Hey, stop here,

I actually don't really
want this to happen."

I didn't really care, so
if it does then it does,

if it doesn't, it doesn't.

I... I place no
value on this body,

so do with it what you like.

And it's dangerous.

It's very, very, very reckless.

So I hate what's been
done to this body,

but there's nowhere
else to direct it,

so I'll do what
everyone else does

and direct it at my body, too.

♪

It affected things massively.

You know, I was
causing so much upset

and distress to my mom and dad,

because they were just seeing
like a boy who was in pain,

and that's the only
way I can describe it.

I was in a lot of pain.

I was with a
girlfriend at the time

and caused her a lot of angst
and upset along the way.

♪

People would be like,

"Do you fancy meeting
for a coffee?"

And I'd break out
into a cold sweat.

Family would be
like, "Oh, let's have

a Christmas dinner together,"

and I'd be absolutely terrified.

Like, what are
they gonna make me?

Am I going to be
able to eat anything?

Oh, it was just...

♪

I became a secret eater,

because my mom often
shamed me quite openly

when it came to food.

There would be a comment
about the amount of rice

that I've eaten,

or the fact that there's not
enough salad on the plate,

and it's just like, "Okay.

I will eat air."

Put some sauce on it.

Mm, tasty.

So people might say, "Yeah,
I didn't really see...

Jo didn't really eat that much.

I haven't really seen Mojo eat."

Yeah, because I
don't want you to,

because in my brain, I
have to eat in silence

or in secret.

When everyone goes to
bed in my mom's house,

I'd try and like...
I'd go in the kitchen,

I'm so good at sneaking around.

Two o'clock at night would
be when I have my dinner.

I'll have a fake dinner at eight

so that everyone can
see that I'm eating

and not ask me any problems,

but I was so afraid to eat,
I'd just do it in secret.

♪

I didn't want to get better,

so I was fighting the system

when I was receiving
outpatient treatment.

And although the
outpatient treatment

was trying to do its
best, it just didn't...

It didn't get to the crux
of what was really going on.

♪

It has been the hardest
thing ever to deal with,

not just for me, but for
everybody, for Hannah.

And I try to put
myself in her shoes

and think, you know,
when we're struggling,

how does it feel
for her in her head?

And you can never
really do that,

but you can empathize

when you couldn't understand.

♪

I was so under-rested,
unrecovered,

my stress levels were
through the roof,

and it just perpetuated
the binge cycle,

because I would get to
the end of the week,

my body would be like, "What
the hell are you doing?

Put some fuel in!"

And so, for me,
that fuel would be

my big Domino blowout binges.

I had in my mind that,
"I'll just keep going,

'cause once I get through
this bit of unhappiness,

then I'll be happy."

And guess what? I never did.

♪

In the long run,
dieting may actually be

doing the opposite effect
of what it's intended to.

You know, if you
have a beach ball

that's floating on the
surface of the water,

and you go to push it
under, what's gonna happen?

You're gonna be able to push
it down a certain amount,

and then it's gonna
bounce back up.

And each time you do it,

it's gonna fly
back up in the air.

And that's exactly what happens

with our metabolism
when we diet.

We double our efforts
every single time

that the diet fails us.

♪

Diets are really popular
simply because society tells us

that we need to
look a certain way,

that we need to
behave a certain way,

and because that pressure
from society is on all of us,

that naturally makes
diets very popular,

because we see
someone who's thin

and think they're a good person.

Obviously, therefore,
people want to be thin

and will go on diets.

So no, just because
dieting is popular

doesn't mean that
it's risk-free either.

♪

I was quite unaware
of what I was doing.

♪

I had a lot going on at home.

My dad, a couple of
years beforehand,

had been diagnosed
with throat cancer

and had been going
through treatment,

and that had been really
challenging as a family.

I was... I had
braces at the time,

I still have ginger
hair, but at the time,

I was very conscious of it.

I was teased quite
a lot at school

for kind of being a
little bit overweight,

so I think my
control over my food

became the thing I could
control in my life.

♪

♪

So for me, I was controlling
something else in my life,

which was food and training,

because I wasn't
actually in control

of some emotional things
that I wasn't dealing with.

I was a very poor communicator,

didn't like confrontation,

and I think the initial feelings

stemmed from me not
feeling okay about myself.

I was made to feel like
I wasn't good enough

by certain people
growing up in my life

that made me feel like that,

and that's where I then
took the control of,

"when I look like this,
then I'll be happy."

♪

♪ Small clan, we're
just a small clan ♪

♪ We don't touch
the small clans ♪

♪ Swindle the small clans ♪

♪ We don't run the small clans ♪

♪ We're just a small clan ♪

I've always been bullied
because of my weight

and because of my height.

So I've always been the biggest,

I've always been the tallest,

all the way throughout school.

They were always picking on me
just because I was different.

I went into, like, a
stage of being emo,

so it was... you
know, colored hair,

black hair, big swoop in front,

listening to rock music.

I don't know whether it
was my defense barrier

of not really digesting
it, so to speak,

and just letting them carry on.

♪

That's me at, like,
junior school.

That's Sports Day.

My not favorite day of
the year, you can imagine.

By the time I left
secondary school,

I very much was a fat person.

I was very obviously
different to my peers,

but I guess that
feeling of otherness,

that sense of just feeling
different to other people

I think sometimes, in naivety,

it's easy to just attribute
that to your body,

"Oh, well, I was fat.

I was always different
because I was fat,

I was always other
because I was fat,"

and actually I just
felt different.

And I had just met my
then partner, now wife,

and I think I just...
I wanted to transform.

I wanted to be
entirely different

to who I'd been previously.

Can I have a kiss?

Yeah, that'll be nice.

I got my lipstick on
your chin, I'm sorry.

Quite often, eating
disorders and eating issues

provide a kind of
framework of routine

or certainty for us to
hang our anxieties on.

Instead of addressing what's
happening in our lives,

in our worlds, we try to
then go for a quick fix,

which is, "Well, if
I can fix my body,

then maybe that will trigger
all of these other things

to improve in the
rest of my life,"

but it never really
happens that way.

♪

I always told everyone
I was fine, you know?

People would say,
"How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

It was an immediate
sort of bat-off remark.

I started to ask myself
a lot more questions

and to really reflect
on what I was doing,

because ultimately
what I was doing

was making me very unhappy.

♪

I went through a
really dark depression

and stopped eating, which
to me was a huge sign

that my emotions had
changed as a comfort eater.

But the fact that I
didn't eat at all,

secret or in public,
like, that's when I said,

"Okay, there's clearly
an issue with me

and my eating
habits and my food,"

but I didn't feel
like my partner

was supportive of that at all.

I feel like my experience
of it was keep me fat,

keep me depressed, keep me down,

and I would never have
stepped on her toes.

That was how I felt
in that relationship.

However, I did go to carnival,

I did Notting Hill
Carnival 2016 and '17.

For me, that was a safe space.

I mean, it's out in public,

but it was a safe space
to explore my body

and be free in it
because of the culture,

because of the environment.

It's the only place
where you can be naked

one day of the year

and have no one say
a thing about it.

So the first year,

I was actually
really disappointed

that I wore so much clothes.

I had a black leotard on
and very thin black tights.

I still feel ashamed
that I wore that much.

I think it was way
too much clothing,

I was too covered up.

♪

Okay, guys, what is going on?

Don't be angry,
girl, it's carnival!

What's going on?

Don't be angry, okay?

Listen!

I wasn't born in Britain.

I lived in the Caribbean
from birth to about 17,

and where I'm from,
the thicker you are,

the more celebrated you are.

Men don't have a
problem with your size.

♪

It was very difficult
to transition

from the love I had for
myself as a 17-year-old

coming to the UK.

It was a bit shocking for me

to see that women
here that I met,

most of them, instead of
complimenting themself,

they would always
really talk negatively

about their bodies
and dress in a way

that really cover up their body,

and they don't want
to show their curves,

and they don't want to
show their bodies at all.

♪

Everybody feels a
little bit uncomfortable

with how they look,

but with bigger women,

we're not allowed to feel bad.

We first must feel ashamed,

and every feeling that
we feel about our bodies

grows out of that.

They are setting the tone

for our relationships
with our bodies,

and that alone is unhealthy,

but what else can we
do but be caught up

in the opinion of others

when there are so many
negative opinions?

Like with the trolling I get.

It's like, "How dare
you go travel the world"

and be in these amazing places?

Like, how dare you go
and enjoy yourself?

How dare you be in a job and
be more successful than me?

"How dare you do these
videos for the BBC?"

How dare you be fat

and be succeeding in
doing these things?

Like, believe me, I have had
to work three times as hard

to work in the fashion industry

and put myself in very, very
uncomfortable situations.

Like, I haven't got it easy.

Hello, kitten!

What's really hard to
get across to people

is that for 10 years,
I lived in a fat body

and I was a wheelchair user,

and it's the microaggressions
that you don't even realize

that are taking
place around you.

It's things like not being
able to access seating

when you're in clinic,

because the seats are so
small you can't sit on them.

It's the really,
really little things

like, "Oh, we haven't got
gowns that are gonna fit you.

We'll get you three and just,
you know, put them around you,"

or, "You'll have to
wear men's pajamas,

because we haven't got anything
big enough for you otherwise."

It's those little
things, and they add up.

That's how
microaggressions work.

Just that drip constantly
that you're not good enough,

that your body is irrelevant,

that you're harming yourself.

That, you know,
this is your fault.

♪

Probably the most
traumatic experience

was the time that I
was in intensive care.

I was in respiratory arrest,
so my lungs had failed,

I wasn't able to
breathe for myself.

I was in heart failure.

I had sepsis, which is an
infection of your blood,

and I remember the
nurse looking at me

and saying, "You're
doing this to yourself."

She started talking at me,

because obviously, I
couldn't respond to her,

about how I really needed to
do something about my weight

and that if I wasn't so fat

then my lungs wouldn't
have struggled so much.

♪

We have research
that actually shows

that weight is not necessarily

an accurate indicator of health,

and we can't actually
tell anything

about somebody's health
based on what they look like.

It's really upsetting to go
to the doctor, for example,

with a general head
cold, let's say,

and leave after being
bombarded for 10 minutes

about how they
need to lose weight

and how they need
to go on a diet,

and, you know, it's
extremely stressful,

and that's what's
known as weight stigma.

♪

The stigma that's attached
to weight, my weight,

is so real, it feels unreal.

I can't be... I'm not allowed
to be sexy because I'm fat.

Even though I'm
fat and you want me

to go to the gym,
when I go to the gym,

you look at me weird.

That's crazy.

I can't be happy and
fat at the same time.

I should wear
curtains all the time,

I should cover myself up.

That's kind of the stigma
that I feel every day.

I need to pee, I'm desperate,

so I might go into a McDonald's.

But I would rather hold my pee

and cause myself internal pain

than face some kind of
ridicule in McDonald's

just 'cause I need to pee.

I'm not here to eat a Big
Mac, burgers, chicken wings,

Filet-O-Fish, I don't
want any of that.

I just want to pee,
but I get really scared

to go inside, and
it's so damaging.

Individuals who
experience weight stigma

and have higher rates of
internalized weight stigma,

they experience more
anxiety and depression,

disordered eating,
body dissatisfaction.

And it's such a problem that
the World Health Organization

has called it a
serious health concern.

Shoreditch High Street Station.

I would argue that diet
culture wouldn't exist

without fat phobia.

If we weren't
fearful of being fat,

the diet industry doesn't
have a leg to stand on.

Why would you want
to lose weight

if there wasn't a problem

with being fat in
the first place?

Or it wouldn't be as profitable

if we didn't
subscribe to that idea

that being fat is bad

and if we had that
fear around it,

and I think it's
important to say that

the diet industry is
fueled by that fear,

and yet it doesn't work.

We know diets don't
work long-term.

I had a really genuine,

"No, no, no, I don't ever want

to have to experience
that ever again,"

and it was a fuel,

it was a fuel to
want to stay small

and keep the privilege that
I was suddenly granted.

I could move around in medicine

without being questioned
in the same way.

♪

What I would say is it
took a very long time

for the GP to take it seriously.

It took the best part of nine,

10 months, something like that,

but I remember
shouting at the GP

saying, you know, "You've
just got to do something."

And she said, "Your daughter
needs to come in on her own."

Well, I thought, come on...

- And that's the problem.
- Completely illogical.

She can't come in on her own.

That's the problem with
the way the system works

is that I may have lost weight,

but I wasn't at a critical BMI

for the GP to take
it seriously enough.

We've had BMI become
the dominant indicator

through which someone's
health is assessed.

BMI was originally
designed as a tool

to broadly be applied
at the population level.

It was never intended
that it would be used

to diagnose an individual.

It really did...

So the longer it took
to get treatment,

the worse the
eating disorder got

and the further down
the slope I fell,

and I think... I obviously
didn't see it at the time.

At the time, I was quite
happy to not go to the GP

and didn't want any help.

♪

♪ All I want is nothing more ♪

♪

♪ To see you
knocking on my door ♪

♪

But when I came from Berlin,

one of the main differences is

there's fast food everywhere,

much more emphasized
than it is in Berlin,

lots of little
places, pizza places.

That's one thing we
don't have in Germany,

or not a lot, is the
traditional pizza,

the thick one that gets you
addicted really quickly.

And also, there's a
couple of restaurants

that are basically takeout
only, which is interesting.

So what I think it is

is that people enjoy
having the food

in the comfort of
their own home,

but they don't want to cook.

But it is certainly something
that struck me as odd.

Here in the UK, I work
in the night shift,

so I come home around
6:30 in the morning

and I will have had
lunch at midnight,

so usually I'm very hungry,

but I'm also very tired.

So when I have a big meal,

which other people
consider breakfast

for me is dinner,

that will then be right
before I go to bed.

From what I've read
and what we think,

that then goes
straight onto your hips

and is very, very unhealthy.

I have people being like,

"Oh, you need to stop
eating junk food,"

and it was like a
couple of remarks

on videos I've made prior.

Like, you're not paying for me.

Like, if you're taking
me out and you're paying

and I'm ordering a bit too much

and the bill's
getting a bit much,

yeah, say something,

but if it's my hard-earned
cash that I'm spending,

it's got nothing to do with you.

I mean, it's got nothing
to do with you anyway.

When I see an overweight person

eating cake or a burger

or something
considered unhealthy,

immediately the
judgmental part kicks in.

You say, "Oh, they
shouldn't be eating this."

Or, you know, "Oh,
where this is going,

it's going to be
in good company."

But then you also think,

"Is this one burger,
is this one cake

going to make a difference?"

Where they are now,
where they're going,

had they maybe had
a diet behind them,

now they're rewarding
themself with this.

♪

I remember being in
a coffee shop once,

and it was the first time I knew

that I was receiving
thin privilege.

And I was nowhere near
as small as I am now,

but I was just heading into
that really restrictive phase,

and the man behind the till

said, "Do you want any
cakes with your coffee?"

And I was like, "Oh, no, I
don't think we do, thank you."

And he just said,
"You'd be amazed

how many people have
these really sugary drinks

and then massive
slices of cake,"

and I was like, "Oh, um, yeah,

I mean, I guess if
they want cake..."

"Oh, yeah, but you
should see these people.

I mean, I'm not talking
about people like you,

you obviously look
after yourself,

but you should see these..."

And I just thought,
"Oh, my goodness,

probably less than
six months previous,

he would've had me down
as one of those people."

Regardless of whether I'd
eaten the cake or not,

he would've been making
those judgments about me.

Thin privilege is something
I've enjoyed for a long time.

Being tall and slim gives
me immediate authority,

because people have to
physically look up to me,

which lessens the effect that
I need to explain myself.

People don't question what I do.

People trust me,
for some reason.

And people immediately
assume authority

coming from me,

because I literally
speak down to them.

Not because of the way I speak,

just because they're a
head smaller than me.

The thing that I find
really frustrating now

is that people say
to me all the time,

"You look really well."

When I've got my clothes on,
I look like a nondisabled,

cisgendered white
woman who is thin,

and I receive a
lot of privilege,

but actually my body
is very different

to a lot of people's,
and I'm like,

you should physically
have to live in my body,

because I feel ill all the time,

and my blood results
are terrible,

and I'm horribly anemic,

and there's absolutely nothing
I can do about any of it.

And you think I look well
because I've put some makeup on

and because I'm thin?

It's become something

that has become a
bit of an identity.

And so our weight has
become our identity,

and so we're less
good of a person

if we're not thin.

We deserve less, we
have less self-esteem.

All these things
are well-documented

as to the thought
processes that occur

because of this thin ideal.

The next train to
arrive at Platform 2

in two minutes will be
service to all stations...

And again, I'm like, I'm
so scared to go into KFC,

because in my head,
they must be thinking,

"Oh, fatty's here again.

All the chicken wings
are gone, lads."

That's what I feel.

I am now believing
that my body is ugly

and abusing it with food,

so that's where health
should be spoken about.

Not, "Oh, you're fat,

you're gonna die
of a heart attack."

How did we get here?

I think a lot of
people think that

anti-fat bias just has
to do with thinking

that fat people aren't pretty
or something like that.

And sure, I mean,

the attractiveness
standard is real,

but anti-fat bias extends
to so many sectors of life:

Education, college admissions,

the amount of scholarship
funds that students are given.

In the justice system,
there's research that shows

that jurors are far more
likely to convict somebody

who is of a larger body
than a thin person,

and they're also subject
to harsher sentences

and longer prison times,

which is really wild
when you think about it.

It's much more than just,

"I don't like the way
that person looks."

It really affects
all areas of life.

Growing up, I...

It was always made
very clear to me

that I stood out,

and my weight could
potentially be a problem

getting a boyfriend.

My mom made it very clear
that being overweight,

I was never gonna
get a boyfriend.

I've been crushing on
guys for a long time,

and I never experienced, like,

my boyfriends that
I had in Dominican.

Weight what?

Weight wasn't an issue.

♪

But here... oh, my God,

they do come into
the relationship

like, "Yeah, I love all of you,"

and I'm like, "Yeah, and
that's how it should be,"

but some people genuinely
they can't help it,

that's just their personality.

They've been
conditioned by society,

and they do have subaggressions,

you know, towards fat
bodies and have fat phobia

without actually saying
that they have fat phobia.

And if you get into
a little argument,

guess what, if the argument
probably is about your car,

guess what, it might
come into your weight.

Why? Tell me why.

Tell me why.

I think dating in 2019,

it's shit for everyone.

Like, I'm not even gonna
put it on my weight,

'cause the thing is,
it's not that I don't

get a lot of attention, I do...

I mean, I live in London

where nobody speaks
to one another,

so it's all on the internet.

And the thing is, you do
get guys who are there,

and they wouldn't
want to take you out,

but they wanna come over
for Netflix and chill,

and always come to
mine, and just like,

I watch too many true
crime documentaries

to know that this
is not gonna happen.

We fetishize this
whole snap-back thing

after having a kid,

but most women don't, and
it really, really bugs me.

Again, it's another thing
that I've sort of attached

to having a child.

I'm scared to have a child,

because I'm scared that...

There's not... I don't
know exactly what

I'm gonna snap back to!

Nothing snaps that much anyway,

so how, if I have a child...

Will I still be pretty?

Will I be ugly? I don't know!

I think every time I
look in the mirror,

I'm glad someone
else puts more effort

into looking good than I do.

Coming from the
male perspective,

we consider women to be
the more beautiful gender.

So we appreciate that.

But I would never force a woman

to dress a certain way,
to eat a certain way

to make her look different.

It is something that is
ingrained into our culture

is that women need to look good.

They need to wear makeup,
they need to do their hair.

Do they need to do that?

No, they do not need to do that.

But it is much appreciated.

The woman out there
that's been rated

the ugliest person in the world,

who the fuck told the people
doing the judging and assessing

that they were beautiful
in the first place?

Media!

That's why we...
We need to defriend

some of these
Caucasian British men.

British, to be exact,

because they started
all the problems.

Diet culture does
disproportionately affect women

more than men, and
there is an element

to diet culture coming
from a patriarchal society

where women are told what
they should look like.

And a lot of the time,
that has been from men.

And so I think it's
very appropriate

that feminism in general
touches on diet culture

and definitely has a role
to play in combating it.

♪

Evidence shows that we
can go back 30 years

and women experiencing
body image concern

is quite common,

so much so that in the research,

we talk about it as normative

and we say "normative
discontent,"

but I think just because
something is normal or common,

it doesn't mean it's okay.

It doesn't mean it's benign
and without consequence.

And we live in a society
where beauty standards

are so narrow, and
for most people,

completely unattainable.

♪

Isn't it interesting,
though, how it's always women

talking about feeling
bloated and not men?

My top tips to
reduce bloating...

To help reduce bloating and
reduce your belly bloating,

it almost immediately
causes bloating...

Seven tips on how to debloat.

Bloat's still there!

- It's poking out.
- Adding our flat tummy teas...

Hasta la vista, bloating!

Good luck.

Men have a different
way of seeing it.

If men are bloated,
they make fun of it.

It becomes a party
game for them.

Whereas, when women are
bloated, they feel embarrassed.

But, since I cannot
think like a woman,

that's a very difficult
question to answer.

Everything that is
marketed towards women

which is anti-bloating,

it's really just telling women

that they should be eating less,

that they need to be hungry,

that they need to be starving

in order to embody
this aesthetic ideal.

♪

From a marketing perspective,

of course they go
with what works,

what has worked in the
past, what is still working.

So if you have that market

and you tap that
market and it works,

why should you stop?

♪

Where does this idea come from
that it's a male conspiracy,

that it's a male idea to
keep women in their place,

have them take up less space?

♪

Like, really genuinely,

I think it started
with capitalism.

I think people recognized

that there was a
way to make money

out of people who
didn't feel great

about themselves.

It started with
middle class white men

who recognized that
there was a market

and a profoundly successful one,

the diet industry makes
billions every year

on women feeling insignificant

and like they need
to do something

in order to make
themselves better.

♪

It's easy to blame
some unknown entity

and put the face of
a white man on it.

Everyone loves targeting us.

But there is no
actual proof of that.

There is no board of white men
sitting on top of the world

saying, "Oh, we need
to have these things."

I'm certainly not a part of
it, and I'm not aware of it,

so I don't know if that is true.

The issue is that it
runs deeper than that,

and it's not just something
about specific words,

it's actions as well.

And so, when you have a society
that values women's looks

based on a certain ideal,

men then start valuing
those looks as well,

and so women who look that way
get more attention from men.

I'm not here to say that
it's current men's fault

that that's going on,
but I think that as men,

we need to recognize
where it's come from.

And I don't think that
we have to disregard it

to kind of protect ourselves,

and I do see a lot of men,
unfortunately, using the phrase,

"Well, it's not me,

so therefore why do I need
to be worried about that?"

Or, "It's not all
men," and that's...

I don't think that's helpful.

I remember that situation

where, in that
particular relationship,

they were now concerned
about my health

after we were
dating for a while,

because they did something
that I didn't like.

And one time we were driving
from seeing their stepfather,

parked outside my house,

and they commented on
the meal that I had

throughout the days like
they were supervising me.

They were my weight watchers.

And they said,
"Oh, this you had,"

the plantain da-da-da
that you had.

It was quite sweet,

and I think you should really
think about what you eat

"because you know, I'm just
concerned about your health."

I'm like, "You're
concerned about my health?

Get lost."

And then I realized
that, obviously,

someone who's always
concerned about my health

is not really concerned
about my health.

♪

If you had to ask
the general public,

um, "obesity" or "anorexia,"

guarantee that most of
them would choose anorexia,

majority, which is sad.

It's very heartbreaking
because that is how...

That's how heavy,
ha, excuse the pun,

um, the stigma is.

That is how heavy...

I make myself laugh.

That's how... that's how
intense the stigma is,

and that is a shame
because it should be 50/50,

because to some degree
both are unhealthy,

both have health risks.

I think diet culture is
so present in our society,

though, that it's
hard to realize,

like, the fact that
we have calorie labels

on every single snack bar.

That in a way is... it's kind
of hindering to diet culture

because it's telling you
you can have this snack

because it's a
low-calorie snack,

or the fact that shops
are selling clothes size

that are all really quite small

and don't really cater
for larger bodies.

That, again, I feel, is kind
of part of diet culture.

It's something
that, as a society,

we really need to think about

because if we're not careful,

we are just going to end up
promoting disordered eating

or body dissatisfaction

because people are gonna
feel more and more unhappy

if society is making
them feel that way.

♪

As soon as I saw the mannequin,

I just thought it was
like a breakthrough.

Maybe I was a bit
naive in thinking

if a brand like Nike,
with the reputation

and the name they have globally,

if they invested and
put in a bigger model

that actually looks
like a fat body,

to sort of be proud and say,

"We do plus-size athletic wear."

But a small part of
me was like, "Right,

let's just wait, let's just wait

because someone is gonna have
something to say about this."

- Nike slammed for...
- Obese mannequins

- are selling women...
- a dangerous lie.

- Weighty issue.
- Nike snapped.

- Normalizing obesity...
- with plus-size mannequins

in their London store.

The new mannequin is obese.

And she is not readying herself,

for a run in her
shiny Nike gear.

She cannot run,
she is more likely

prediabetic and on her
way to a hip replacement.

What terrible cynicism is this

on the part of Nike.

Everyone's just like, "Well,
I work hard to stay thin,

and I go to the gym, and
I have self-control,"

and it's just like,

one, what makes you think
I don't have self-control,

and I don't go to the
gym, and I don't work out?

You think that I sit on my
ass and I eat what I want,

I don't go to the gym,

and I don't work as hard as you

because my body
apparently told you that.

♪

The most common theme
in the fitness industry,

in general, is weight loss.

We're obsessed by it, it's
literally the only thing

that people work on.

So many guys who
hypermasculize themselves

and all these girls
hypersexualize themselves.

Everything is about
how we look seemingly

in today's day and age.

We've lose the art
of how we feel.

That seems so far removed
in today's day and age,

which is a really sad thing.

♪

I go to the gym and I
exercise and I enjoy it,

you know, and I still
have a fat body.

And until we achieve
this goal of thinness,

we're not gonna be
treated with respect,

and we're not gonna
be treated human,

and we're not gonna
be treated nicely,

and we're gonna be shamed,

and we're gonna be
told we're gonna die

unless we lose weight.

But you can't put
a fat mannequin.

You can't simply show a
fat body and promote that

because then you're promoting
staying fat, and it...

It is literally the
wildest conversation

I've ever, ever
had and read up on,

'cause it was just the
most hypocritical thing.

♪

We need to start
asking ourselves

some really important questions.

And, so, how do we view
people who are larger in size?

What are our beliefs
around their lifestyle?

For example, what
are our beliefs

about how they are as
people and their character?

I think, at the
moment, it's still

a topic of contention for people

that they're unwilling
to talk about

because they're afraid

that when they start
talking about it,

it's gonna challenge
some of the ideals

and the beliefs that they have.

And we don't like our ideals

and our beliefs
being challenged.

It's not something we like.

It's hard.

It goes back to that
willingness to be wrong.

We don't like being wrong.

And that's okay, that's
kind of normal psychology.

We like to be right about stuff.

♪

Please, can I get the
cupcake with the strawberry,

- the strawberry one?
- Yes.

I'm able to analyze my
relationship with food

and say, "Oh, okay,
well, it's okay

if you want to eat this,
but why are you eating?

Why are you being so excessive?"

I caught myself.

I think I'd been stressing
about something on the train.

I called my friend to speak
to her about the stress,

and I went to Tesco

and all I wanted
to buy was snacks.

So I said, "Oh, okay, so this
is where we just sort of...

Hmm, what's really
happening here?

Why do you associate
food with comfort?"

And that's simply just
because of all the neglect

I experienced in my childhood.

So, therefore, Mr. NHS,

you don't need to talk to
fat people about being fat.

You need to talk to people

about their childhood
and their trauma.

That is the health that
you should focus on.

♪

I feel pressure to go to the gym

just to bulk up, to eat cleaner,

to shun those evil carbs
and get more protein in.

It's something... it's
being repeated so often,

it becomes part of
your way of thinking,

and you really need
to invest some energy

to get out of this.

Someone will come to me and say,

"Oh, I want to look like this,"

and they'll show me a picture
of a guy in a magazine

or someone that they've
seen on Instagram,

and I'll say,
"Why? Why is that?"

Because that's a big thing,
it's a very powerful question

to ask a client is the "why."

Now, for a lot of people it
is just an external source

of, "Oh, I just want
to look like that."

Well, then you've really
got to do some more digging

to find out why that is,
and nine times out of ten,

it'll be because they have
suffered self-esteem issues

or body image issues

or they've grown
up feeling insecure

compared to X, Y, and Z.

So, suddenly, they're the things

you've got to be working on.

You've got to be
helping them up here.

No diet will ever
fix that problem.

Basically, everyone
strives to be in the shape

of the stage bodybuilder,
which is unrealistic.

Not even bodybuilders
are in that shape

all of the time.

But this is what
we strive to have.

Make some noise!

Being a pro
bodybuilder is tough,

you know, it's not easy.

Now, that's it, flex it.

How much chicken fillet
do you eat in a day?

Uh, about 1.5 kilos.

- 1.5 kilos?
- Yeah.

Not having another
gram more of almonds,

not having another
half a bowl of oatmeal

when you're hungry, you know?

Not doing it, and not doing it,

not doing it for
a period of time.

We're talking about
10, 11, 12, 13 weeks.

♪

Nobody thought about bod...

They wouldn't even talk to us.

But after Pumping Iron,

it really changed the
face of bodybuilding.

All the world was pumping iron.

It was great to
say pumping iron.

I mean, gyms were popping up
all over the United States.

♪

We're looking at physique sports

that, once upon a
time, were confined to

a fairly small subset of people
that were interested in it.

And we've seen this
mainstreaming of practices

involving very
restrictive meal plans,

counting calories
and macronutrients,

but more particularly,

it's the emphasis on looking

the way that bodybuilders
might look on stage

at a very low level of body fat.

For both men and women,

that has become a cultural norm,

that has become something
that people portray

through their social
media every day,

and it fails to,

I think, represent
that most people

get into that type of condition

once or twice a year for a show.

What they tend to do, then,
is have two to three days

of photo shoots and
then simply drip-feed

those photographs
out onto social media

for the next year.

That gives the impression
to ordinary people

that this particular
person looks like this

day in and day out.

♪

There are a lot of people
in the fitness industry

who are abusing steroids,
which will give you

unsustainable results
unless you participate

in taking them yourself.

So many people promote something

that your average Joe and Jane

will never ever
be able to obtain,

and that's my biggest problem.

♪

I don't think people
always truly appreciate

the psychological restrictions

that a lot of us still
place on our lives,

things like, "Oh,
I must go for a run

because I've eaten this today,"

or, "Oh, I've had
this for breakfast",

"so I'm not gonna have
this with my dinner," or...

There's still a lot of
residual internalized dialogue

that we've lived with
our entire lives,

that we heard our mom say,

that we heard our
grandparents say,

that our friends
still talk about,

that's happening in the
office when we're at work.

So those kinds of
mental restrictions,

they're an awful lot
harder to get away from.

♪

I was really forced to
face what was going on,

and I think that's
when I realized

something had to change

because I couldn't
do this again.

I'd been in hospital twice,

and it's a very
intense environment.

♪

The start of my recovery journey

was recognizing that
what I was doing

wasn't serving me and
was making me so unhappy.

So, to be in your early twenties

and to be in a position
where you're considering

taking your own life

is a powerful enough
reason to think,

"Hmm, something is
not quite right.

I need to do
something about it."

So that's when I
went and sought help.

Things like cognitive
behavioral therapy

worked wonders for me.

I came across the
power of the mind.

And, so, going forward
now in my coaching,

that's how I help people,
because there is no quick fix,

and there is certainly no
one-fix solution for people.

♪

I posted a picture on Instagram.

I'd been using my account
to document my dieting,

and when I posted the
picture about bingeing,

one of my local friends said,

"Oh, I've been
following this woman

who talks about anti-diet.

Maybe you should check her out."

And that was it.

And very quickly, I realized

that actually my radical
disability rights politics

are essentially the same thing.

They translate so easily
into anti-beauty standards

and anti-diet that I almost felt

that I can't...
a bit embarrassed

that I'd never
sort of cottoned on

that it was essentially
the same thing

and, yet, I was so extreme

in my radical
disability politics

but so extremely
involved in diet culture.

It was almost laughable.

When my relationship
with my body

was picking up momentum,

I started to see
what health meant.

And this diet culture
thing, I was like,

"Oh, the two are
actually separate,

but they've just
been married together

by people that don't get it.

Oh, so I really have
to be on this...

Explore this by myself?

Huh. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So everyone's calling me
'fat' and calling me 'ugly, '

but my body is still
faithful to me.

I've been raped,
it's been beaten,

I've been spat on,
I've been abused,

but my body hasn't failed me.

"Ah."

Mm.

Really, it's... there's
never a problem inside.

As far as I'm aware,

the problem is always external,

it's always society.

And that's the same in
terms of all intersection.

So racism and transphobia,
fatphobia, ableism,

the problem is
always the outside.

It's never the person.

♪

So, for me, to take a
leap into an industry

that was notoriously known
for not accepting fat bodies

and didn't want to be
associated with them

in any way or form

it was, yeah, it was sort of

proving my parents wrong, but
I'm proving society wrong,

that, actually, I could
work within that industry.

♪

We need to put those efforts
into looking outwards

and altering the
things that we see

that are problematic in society

rather than trying to fix
something in ourselves

that isn't even broken.

You are worthy, you are
worthy of better than this.

♪

Oh, hello, London.

Anyone over there with
a pair of binoculars?

I'm fat, yes, but
I'm not inactive.

I love to run around and be
silly and joke and laugh,

and I love to dance!

Don't... say it to my face...

Why am I insecure because of
your, your, and your opinions?

I can't do that.

♪

I love soca music,
Caribbean music.

The bigger the bum, the better.

Like, I'm not bashing
anybody with small bums,

but if you, like,
you have a small bum,

it's a little bit difficult,
you know, to dance.

Everybody's accepted
in the Caribbean.

Like body size, nobody's bashed.

You'd probably be bashed
maybe on your personality

before someone will
talk about your size.

I eventually decided
to face up to the fear

of eating a croissant.

So it was about
seven or eight years

since I'd eaten a croissant,

and it was something
I thought about a lot,

like I'd see people
eat them and I'd think,

"Oh, I really want one of
them, but, oh, I can't one.

They're something
I just don't eat."

And, then, eventually, I
did, and when I did eat it,

I have to admit
that it was tough.

It wasn't just, "Oh, I ate it,"

and I thought, "That was easy."

It was actually still
quite challenging

because it was a fear food,

and it brought up feelings of
guilt and anxiety and shame

because I thought
I'd let myself down

by having something I'd
said was off-limits.

♪

It makes people anxious often

to think about the
shame and the guilt

that's underneath dieting.

And, so, when we
think about letting go

of our food roles, we're
also, on an unconscious level,

letting go of our
sense of control.

And, you know, diet culture
tells us, of course,

we can and we should be
able to control our bodies.

♪

Even when she went
to university,

she wasn't well, really,

but she just showed
enormous courage.

And we didn't want her to go,

but I could sort of see
that she was starting

to take the control back herself

and to deal with it.

And just learning to step
back and let her do that

was... was what we did.

I think it's 'cause...

I don't know when, but
at some point I realized,

I realized I wanted to
live and not just survive.

I'd been just
surviving for so long

but feeling so awful

that I actually wanted
to get to a place

where I was living
and enjoying things

rather than going
through the motions

day in and day out.

♪

When it comes to diets...
And what's the new one, keto?

Keto, I think that's the new one

and people are going
crazy over that.

I thought I was gonna
jump on it, Googled it,

I said, "No, that's way
too much effort to me."

Why can't we just have a
healthy, balanced lifestyle?

We can't have a healthy,
balanced lifestyle

because... well, we can,
but it's very difficult

and it's going to
be very difficult

because of money.

Money makes everything
a problem for somebody.

The rich eat well,
the poor eat shit.

And as someone who considers
myself as working class...

I've not yet really
reached celebrity status.

When I get there,
things might change,

but until then, I
am definitely living

below the breadline
and, um, it's hard.

I feel that I am this way
because of lots of factors,

but one of the main things

is that all we ever
had enough money to eat

was what we could afford
which is Iceland food,

cheap and cheerful, ASDA,

microwave meals because
everyone's parents,

family, guardians, whatever,
are working so hard

to put money on the table
that they can't cook us

venison and, uh,
shrimp for dinner.

♪

From day one, when we go

into our nutrition and
public health degrees,

we are taught that
socioeconomic disparities

drive health inequality,

and it's like a
given, it's a fact,

and then it never gets
touched on ever again

and we barely talk about it.

♪

We have quite a strong body
of research now that shows

that the primary determinants
of all of these conditions

is socioeconomic status,

and it goes simply beyond
baseline income level,

but, actually, is more
pronounced in societies

where the wealth gap
between the very rich

and poorest in society
is the largest.

And that's why for
health statistics,

the countries with
the leading issues

in chronic lifestyle disease

are the UK, the United
States, and Australia

because they typically have
the biggest wealth disparity.

♪

And so the big rhetoric
either from government

or from food industry
is that, you know,

everyone just needs
to eat better.

But then we look at
the urban environments

and food deserts, and we see

that, actually, all of
the fast food chains

and the quick convenience foods,

which are kind of lower
in minerals and nutrients

than kind of whole foods,

are disproportionately in areas

of low economic advantage.

When you add other barriers in,

like increasing consumption
of energy away from the home,

lack of food preparation skills,

time is a huge barrier for
low socioeconomic families

because, often, there could
be single-parent households,

two jobs, and we have

all of these social
and economic barriers

that we're not talking about,

and unless we start
talking about those issues,

we're not going
to make progress.

Be it jerk chicken
and rice and peas,

or an Iceland microwave tin

which was something Mom had
to "psh, psh, psh" together,

as you're eating
that, you're drooling

over McDonald's and
Burger King adverts

and KFC adverts

and, um, "buy this" and
"just on offer today,

Birds Eye Chicken Dippers."

"Get two for 12
pound Iceland today."

You want us to be healthy.

Where's the whole foods
advertisements on TV at 7:00?

I've not seen any of those.

You want us to be healthy.

Why isn't everything
just organic then?

You... you know?

Not only is that
evidentially unsustainable,

I think it's morally
unsustainable now

to put personal
responsibility on people

without modifying the
environment in their favor

that allows them to take
any personal responsibility.

If we're really
serious about reversing

or reducing the burden of
chronic lifestyle disease,

we need to start viewing
this as a political issue,

and we need to start viewing it

as the socioeconomic
issue that it is,

and we need to start looking

at that very high
level for solutions

because it's really
the only place

where hard answers are going
to come to hard questions.

And the real question
within that is,

do we have political parties
that are brave enough

to take that step?

And that's a question
that I would not be

particularly confident on

in certainly the countries
that have embraced

the neoliberal economic model.

♪

What strikes me is the
lack of urgency about this,

that assimilation
and eradication.

This is what we're talking about

when we talk about...
When people are suggesting

weight correction
as the way forward.

Health at Every
Size is a concept

that was coined by Linda
Bacon and Lucy Aphramor,

and the best way to describe it

is that it's a social
justice movement

that's designed to
creating and delivering

inclusive and accessible
care for everybody.

So, I focus on body
respect and health gain,

where health gain
resides in justice.

If we want health, we
need a fair society,

we need to talk about trauma,

we need to be
compassion-centered.

And so how that
translates to working

as a Health at Every Size
practitioner, for example,

is I position my
clients as the experts

because they're the ones
that know what feels right

in their body, they're
the ones that know

what fits with their lives
in terms of healthcare.

But at the same time,
I'm also teaching them

that critical awareness
by bringing in research

and helping them
to really unpack

those internalized
messages from diet culture.

Vicious cycle.

Hundred percent vicious cycle.

I'm actually really
quite inspired

by the idea of intuitive eating.

I think it's something that
you have to be very careful

to kind of embark on because
it's very easy to say,

"Well, I'll eat intuitively,"

but if you're still ruled
by assorted eating thoughts,

you may just not eat enough
or you may completely cut back

because you'll think your
body is saying one thing

when, really, your thoughts

have control over you, actually.

The thoughts are
saying something

and it's not your hunger
you're listening to.

So, intuitive eating
is a framework

that is designed to get you
to reconnect with your body,

and it was developed
by Evelyn Tribole

and Elyse Resch
in the mid-1990s.

And the reason why it's
so important right now

is because it's a
really radical concept

and a really radical
framework in diet culture,

where we're constantly being
bombarded with messages

about what to eat
and how to eat.

Intuitively eating teaches
us how to strip those back

and how to regain
trust in our bodies.

Jubilee Line, the next
train to Wembley Park

will depart from Platform
14 in one minute.

I'm just a secret...
I'm a secret eater

because I was so ashamed
to do it in public.

I reached a level of confidence

where I didn't really mind,

but it seems to have
disappeared again

and, now, even if
I am really hungry

and I do just want some
chips from McDonald's,

I just... I can't,
I won't do it.

I don't want to
do it, I feel bad,

even though everyone
has chips from, um,

has chips from McDonald's.

People always ask,

"Well, if I improve my
relationship with food,"

and one of those
things to do that

is giving yourself
unconditional permission

to eat all foods,

where nothing is
officially off the table,

they go, "well, I'm just
gonna put weight on.

I'm just gonna keep
gaining weight.

I did that once, I tried
to give myself permission

and I just gained weight."

The difficulty is that

if you're giving
yourself permission,

but you still have an
end goal of weight loss,

then you don't really have
unconditional permission.

Everything that you do
is still conditional

on not gaining weight,

and it brings fear
back into the equation

because we're afraid
of gaining weight.

And when we're afraid,
we then restrict

because restriction
comes from fear.

We're diverse individuals,
we're complex creatures,

so we need a wide range
of things to help us cope.

However, some of the
foods that we use to cope

with our emotions are
vilified in diet culture.

I mean, when we're
feeling sad or upset,

we're not gonna go
for a plate of kale.

We want to go for
a piece of cake,

or we want to go for some pasta,

or we want to go for something
that, generally speaking,

gets vilified by diet culture

because it has sugar
or carbohydrates.

And there's so
much fearmongering

around those kind of foods,

that when we then go
to reach for them,

when we're feeling emotional,
we experience shame and guilt.

♪

Also, food is deeply
emotional all by itself.

You know, our
first relationships

are mediated through food.

And so that means
that, quite often,

food can help us to process

or go back to
certain comfortable,

more pleasant points in time.

So that's not a cause
for condemnation.

That should be quite a
strong cause for compassion

and either seeking or
offering support to someone.

♪

I think also realizing

that the experts
might be able to help,

'cause I lost faith
in them along the way.

And I think Hannah's had support

from one particularly good
person in recent years

who was actually
a family therapist

who I also did some work with.

Do you remember, we used
to do all these albums?

I think she always
saw me as a person,

not as an illness, and I
think sometimes along the way

professionals would only
see you as an illness,

and especially as I got older

and I was no longer a teenager.

When I was... I was an
adult or I am an adult,

it was really hard when you
get treated like a child

because I could acknowledge
that I was unwell,

but actually I was still me.

Your hair.

Then, we went to
Istanbul afterwards.

I think that's what we did.

I wonder if had things
been addressed earlier on

in the right way, then
the outcome may have been

quite drastically different
and it wouldn't have taken

two years of my life
in an inpatient unit

and a lot, a lot of
challenges, yeah.

Yeah, I do question
that, and in fact,

you sort of beat yourself
up slightly and think,

"Why didn't I spot it earlier,"

and all this sort of stuff.

And, um,

you kind of have to
learn to live with that

because you did what you did.

Okay, great.

So, tonight, I'm
gonna cook that cake.

No, actually, I think
I'm gonna do the cookies,

I'm gonna do the chocolate chip.

♪

♪

So, yesterday, I was invited
down to Sunday Morning Live

with the BBC to talk
about body positive yoga.

I'm with a group of women who
refuse to let the opinions

of others shame them into
worrying about their health.

And that was wonderful,
we had the yoga class,

a few stretches,
sun salutations,

all that good stuff,
breathe, breathe, breathe.

Now, most people might say,
"What's more important,

body confidence or good health?"

What would you say to that?

I think the two
have to coincide.

You have to be... in
order to be confident,

you need to be healthy.

In order to be healthy,
you have to have

some level of confidence
to go and pursue that.

So, then, they
interviewed a white guy

about the age of 40,
maybe even hitting 50.

Now, one man who knows
more about losing weight

is Chris Zaremba.

Now, Chris, lovely to meet you.

At one point, you weighed
18 stone, is that right?

That's right, when I
was 50, I was 18 stone.

Right, and we've got some
before and after photos

that we can have a look at.

It's pretty amazing how
much weight you've lost.

He started to speak
on his journey

of losing weight himself,
um, once being 18 stone,

which they said
like it was, like,

"Oh, you used to be a murderer.

Oh, you used to be 18 stone."

It was the exact same tone.

And I'm like, "Bitch, last
time I checked the scale,

I think I was hitting 20,
so what you trying to say?"

Being 18 stone, I was
technically obese.

I had very high blood pressure,

I had high levels of
lousy cholesterol,

the LDL cholesterol, and
I was borderline diabetic.

- Oh, goodness.
- And the GP told me

that if I didn't change my ways

and got a little
more into fitness

and a little away from fatness,

then it's possible I might
not see my 60th birthday.

Then he went on to
speak about weight loss

which he then
corrected and said,

"Well, actually, fat loss.

It was losing the fat
that I had to do."

And, again, I'm
there stretching,

downward facing dog
or whatever, thinking,

"If I could just get
up and punch this fool

in the face, I would."

But of course,
again, it's the BBC

and I don't want to
embarrass myself,

so I had to hold it down.

But then when I spoke
to the women afterwards,

it turns out that we all
felt the exact same way,

we all felt just as disappointed

in that moment as we all
did, but what can we do?

We're filming at 8:00 a.m.

for something to be
broadcast at 11:00.

What exactly are we gonna do?

So it's kind of like, how
can we go against this?

And then I sort of realized,

"I don't know if we can."

Here we go.

♪

This is The Real Catwalk,

and you're here to witness
true journeys of self-love,

the love for others,
acceptance, compassion

of whoever we are

in all of our bodies, shapes,
colors, sizes, abilities,

lived differences,
mental health,

we're celebrating all of it.

So, support them.

Give your applause,
scream, do whatever.

They'll do a little dance.

Our positions are here.

Enjoy the show.

♪

Ready?

Go.

♪

We're here for The Real
Catwalk in Trafalgar Square.

It's all about body positivity.

It doesn't matter who you
are, what shape you are,

what size you are,
what disability

or ability you have,
you are beautiful,

and I just think it needs
to be out there more.

♪

There's just...

Do you know how many
bodies look like mine?

I'm really...

You know, I mean, I am
unique, but not really,

because there's many women
who are apple-shaped,

pear-shaped, hourglass-shaped,

but there's just rolls and
jiggly bits everywhere.

The Real Catwalk is a flash mob

guerilla-style fashion show
in the middle of the public

and where people come
to celebrate themselves

and each other in
our differences.

♪

So it's amazing just to see

so many different
varieties of body types,

whether you've got an
illness, a disability,

whether you're
apparently "not perfect"

like the media shows.

It's just amazing to see
everybody happy with themselves

and supporting
each other as well.

When I heard there was
a bikini underwear shoot

in Trafalgar Square,
what better way is there

to get my point across

that all these beautiful people,

every body is different, and
yet they're all gorgeous.

It doesn't matter your
color, your shape,

the shape of your
body, your size.

It doesn't matter if
you have birthmarks,

if you have scars or not.

It doesn't matter,
you know, who you are.

♪

With me being in a
wheelchair just to prove...

To show people that
it doesn't matter

how you look or what difference

you think you are.

We're all people.

♪

To get everyone out,
everyone set out

to show off their stuff,
strut their stuff,

get out there, be loud, be bold.

♪

Take your time.

♪

Everyone making judgments,
so the best thing you can do

is deal with it, get over it,

and break that boundary anyway.

These days, I wear crop tops
and I don't feel no way.

When people look
at me on the train,

I don't get offended.

To me, it's like, "Look more."

I'd rather just... I'd just
do a catwalk for everyone,

"Look at me, look at me."

I walk with my head held high.

And if my thighs, my arms,
my back fat is hanging out,

I don't give a fuck.

Well, I do, so I try to... I
might just tuck it back in.

But apart from that,
I couldn't care less

because you need to see me
and you need to see more of me

and, preferably, you need to see

as much of me as possible

so that you recognize
and acknowledge

every other woman on this planet

that looks like me.

♪

The anti-diet movement is
getting a lot of traction,

it's growing, especially
in London and the UK.

♪

The Anti Diet Riot Club is
a community and platform

that tries to bring
people together

who have experienced diet
cycling, bad body image.

Maybe they have been in recovery

for eating disorders

or they experienced fat shaming.

And we create a space
for them to come together

and we learn from each
other, educate each other,

and inspire each
other to fight back

against diet culture.

Five, six, seven, go.

One, two, three, four...

♪

Over the course of a year,

what you've eaten over
two weeks of Christmas

really doesn't matter.

How many of you heard maybe
body positive community today?

Raise your hand.

Right, you've heard that
over and over again,

but how do we create community

if we don't ever
talk to each other?

It's not for other
people to make opinions

on your body.

You know, if you want
to touch yourself,

touch yourself.

Go do it, explore yourself.

Don't wait for a man to come up

and give you an orgasm.

Give yourself an orgasm first.

And years and years
and years of waiting

to be the right size,
waiting to be thin,

and then my life could begin,

then I could do all
these fabulous things,

then I could do all the
things I've ever dreamt of.

And I remember getting
into my thirties,

and I was like,
"God, is this it?

Have I got to keep waiting?

Because it's boring!"

So if you heard the phrase,
which was the entire room,

"act like a lady,"
what did that mean

when someone said that
or maybe you said it?

What did it mean
when someone said it?

Yes.

- Be quiet.
- Be quiet, good.

What else? Yeah, shout out.

- Inhibit yourself.
- Inhibit yourself, good.

- Sit nicely.
- Sit nicely.

Can you show me what
"sit nicely" looks like?

Yes.

And how would you describe
the body size of someone

that is a lady?

Small!

Skinny, small, thin.

- Slight.
- Slight. Is that British?

Slight.

So where does it come from?

Patriarchy. Where else?

- Colonialism.
- Okay, I'm coming back to that.

Yeah, white supremacy.

Y'all are too smart. What?

Toxic masculinity.

Toxic masculinity,
good, yeah, what else?

White supremacy,
capitalism, yeah.

People telling us things
that we all need to hear

and start talking about...

I feel like it's being
stretched right now,

because anybody is using
the term "body positivity"

to describe how
they look nowadays,

and it's not fair for the women

who are still being marginalized

because we're still
fighting to be seen

in mainstream media.

♪

Body positivity is
a political movement

that tries to celebrate people
with marginalized bodies

and gives them the space
to express themselves

and to feel beautiful and
to have their voice heard.

So, for fat and people of
color and disabled folks,

that's a really important
origin of body positivity,

and it's kind of become
a little bit watered down

in the way that brands
talk about themselves

as being body positive,
when they still

only really celebrate
or represent

quite restrictive type of body.

One, two, three.

Yeah!

In many ways, diet culture
is rebranding itself

and it's trying to appear
like it is for women,

such as Weight Watchers becoming

a new wellness initiative

or Special K trying
to bolster women

to energize them with food,

and it's that sneaky side of it,

where people think
that they are rebelling

against diet culture
all the while

reinforcing that their value
is based on the way they look.

Businesses can do
a lot to reduce

some of the toxicity
that they're putting out

because, obviously,
they have huge influence

in how people view themselves.

I miss you guys so much!

Um, if you want to make
a change in your life,

you have to be determined
to make that change.

You can't wait for, like,
New Year's to come around

because it doesn't work.

If you want to make a change,
you just got to make it.

Like a cake!

Like a cake, like a bloody cake!

What are you gonna do about it,

You know what I mean?

To be body positive
is to be inclusive

of every... every single body

because we all struggle
with insecurities. Why?

Because we're all
governed and controlled

and taught what to
like by the media,

which is not our friend.

Through social media,
we are changing things

and making it so
much more powerful.

♪

Another here!

I think the whole
non-diet movement

is really, really growing.

I think it's going
to grow in popularity

over the next couple of years.

I do think there will
be a backlash to that

by the diet industry

because it's such
a huge industry

and because people are still
very attached to this idea

that being thin is better,

and there's gonna be a backlash

in the sense that people
will be so reluctant

to let that go that they
will double down on that.

Personally, dream life

is that bodies are
completely irrelevant,

that we can just acknowledge
that we all have this thing

that we're somehow blind
to it, that we just...

I mean, who we are as people
is all that's relevant.

That's how it feels to me

is that who I am as a
person and my actions

and my authenticity,

that's what's valuable about me.

My body is entirely irrelevant.

Hi!

- Oh, it's so good to meet you.
- So good to meet you too.

- Are you excited today?
- I'm so excited.

I can't wait to get shooting.

Oh, I'm feeling exposed.

Nice to meet you
completely naked.

Yes, you too, great, great body.

Thanks, babe, and to you.

Girl, thank you.

I've been working out, you know,

eating a couple less muffins.

It's really important
to think about things

like race, class, social status

when we're thinking about bodies

and understanding bodies

because we can't get
away from the fact

that bodies are political,

how we view bodies in
society are political,

are socially informed.

I'm already a bottle
deep, just to be clear.

I'm only having so much
fun exploring my body

because I'm doing
it on my own terms.

I can't listen to
my mom anymore.

I don't speak to her,
but I can't listen

to that voice that is
the voice of my mother.

I can't listen to
friends and other people

because they have had
different experiences.

The only person who I
can listen to is me.

♪

I have... I'll have weeks

where I just eat takeout

and I'm just... I've
just got a hectic week

and I've just got to
grab something quick.

But, like, you know, like
we're all "burning calories,"

like food is fuel,
and if you're moving,

whatever you're doing,

you need that fuel
to keep you going.

Just eat, like...

♪

If I feel good, I eat.

If I don't feel good, I eat.

Like, it varies, sometimes
I have a very balanced diet,

sometimes I don't
like everybody else.

So it all depends on my
mood, how I'm feeling,

if I'm going hard in the gym,

if I'm not going
hard in the gym.

I think in terms of like
emotions I will eat,

but I do always try to
make a conscious effort

to mind what I eat,
but I do like a cake.

I do like cake.

It's my favorite thing.

We can find our baseline
or a set point weight

which, by the way, fluctuates.

It's not actually a
number, it's a range.

And we can find
that by re-engaging

with our body signals, and
there's no way of knowing

what your set point weight
is until you're there.

Oi! Oi!

♪

One thing I love to measure
as success in my clients

is how do they feel
mentally and physically?

What are their
energy levels like

on a day-to-day basis?

How well are they sleeping?

How's their relationship
to their family?

How's their
relationship with food?

Those, to me, seem far
more powerful indicators

of what health is
than ever just being,

"Oh, look how lean I am,"
or, "Look how, you know,

you can see my six-pack,

or, "Look how big my arms are."

Those things are all
very superficial.

- In the morning.
- Are you?

Woo-hoo-hoo!

♪

So I would say now my
diet is incredibly varied.

I have no food rules.

There are no good foods,
there are no bad foods,

there are no foods
I can or cannot eat.

That has been utterly
liberating for me.

And based on how I feel now,

that's how I educate my clients

and educate my followers
on social media platforms

to apply those same principles.

Okay.

♪

So, some people, they'll
come into treatment

and they will say,
"Maybe, maybe, you know,

I just didn't try hard enough,

and actually, if I put
everything I know together

and do it one more time,
then it will just be easier,"

but that, again, is
part of that fear

of giving up this promise
that we clung to for so long

about a quick fix
or an easier way out

than going into the deep,

messy, painful, emotional stuff.

And, sometimes, you know,
sometimes people just need

to be disappointed, you know,

they need to try
that one last diet

and see that it
still hasn't worked

and it still doesn't
change anything

for them to come back
and say, "Okay, I'm done.

I'm divorcing diets,

and I'm ready to
start my new life

and my new relationship
with myself."

♪

I think it's also
really important

to keep your own
family dynamics going,

because it's very damaging
to family relationships.

And I've taken up
every course in town

and I learned a lot.

Sometimes you have to
learn the hard way.

But it's been a
very long journey.

♪

But... but now it does
feel so much better, and...

♪

I'm incredibly proud of

of what Hannah does every day.

And I kind of know that she'll
get there on her own now.

♪

♪

For me, more than anti-diet,
more than anything else,

the key to finding
some sense of healing

has been through compassion,

non-judgmental
compassion and kindness.

I mean it's pretty
incredible the extremes

that my body's been through
and, yet, here it is,

I'm still surviving.

So, you know, I
just have to take

what I can be grateful for,

acknowledge the days
that are really difficult

and just, you know,
keep moving on.

♪

I think that the
fact that my family

never gave up hope that
things could be different

is the reason why I'm here today

because had they not, had
they not believed in me,

I wouldn't... I didn't
believe in myself,

so I needed my family,

and I had some really
great friends as well

who always told me that
things could be different

and that it didn't
have to be that way,

and I think because of that...

♪

I am here now.

♪

I started to realize
that even though

I have been through a lot
and the trauma is deep,

I don't like pity parties.

Then, I tried to see, well,

everyone's been
through some stuff.

Everyone's got trauma,

everyone's family lives
haven't been perfect,

everyone struggles with
their eating habits,

everyone struggles
with their insecurities

and their appearance, okay.

So if I'm getting this healing

and I feel like I've been
at the bottom of the heap,

there's no way that everyone
can't get it themselves

because we have all
been underestimated

in some way, shape, or form.

And to be underestimated

is one of the greatest
vantage points,

because no one is
looking at you,

so you take your time,
you observe, and like me,

you ride in on a
chariot of fire.

If I can put this body out there

that has been violated
publicly and in private,

that I have violated
myself sometimes

and my self-harm and
the issues that I have,

if this can reach
any amount of love,

if this can get on
stage at Glastonbury...

♪

If I can, then, yeah,
I will wave this flag,

scream on the top of
rooftops and shout

and be that champion
for everyone else,

because I can't keep
this happiness to myself.

Nah, that'd be too selfish.

You get a bag! You get a bag!

You get... you know,
everyone gets a piece of it.

♪

So I'm hoping that
we get to a point

where this topic is
talked about so frequently

that it becomes normal to
talk about it and it's okay

and it becomes normal to
say, "Yeah, I have a problem

with my relationship with food.

I would like it to improve."

♪

It becomes normal to say,

"Yeah, I'm afraid of being fat,

and I'd like to work
out whether that fear

is coming from a real place."

We don't all need
to change overnight,

but we need to be
willing to talk about it.

♪

Unsubscribe from...

From the thin ideal.

Other people's
expectations of you.

Unsubscribe from social media.

♪

From women's magazines.

Food guilt.

Unsubscribe from...

From the idea that
fat equals unhealthy.

Conformity.

Unsubscribe from...

♪

Hang on, I'm gonna think
about that for a second.

Unsubscribe from
accounts on social media

that you make you feel
bad about yourself.

Punishing your body.

Society's standard of beauty.

From white supremacy
and fatphobia.

Unsubscribe from the
voice in your head

that wasn't yours
in the first place.

How about just unsubscribe
from self-loathing?

Instagram accounts that
don't back up claims

with evidence like
the Medical Medium,

anything that
promotes celery juice,

and anything that makes
you feel bad in your person

or body or health status.

Being pressured by diet culture.

♪

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