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.
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00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:05,962
- Welcome
to the Mayor's office.
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,181
You're just in time
to meet everyone
4
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:09,487
before we head home
to our loving families.
5
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,360
Plus, my mom's
new boyfriend, Blandon.
6
00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:15,058
This guy who's disgusted
by my sandwich is Tommy,
7
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,494
our Chief Strategist.
8
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,497
- Why does it smell like
maple syrup plus hospital?
9
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,325
- And this woman over here
who's dressed like
10
00:00:21,369 --> 00:00:23,936
she's gonna teach us about
jungle birds at Busch Gardens
11
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,851
is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.
12
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:30,117
- I don't high-five anymore.
It appropriates pimp culture.
13
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:33,511
- In that office is Chief
of Staff, Mikaela,
14
00:00:33,555 --> 00:00:35,687
up to some important
city biz no doubt.
15
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:38,603
- I just feel like there is
a lack of transparency
16
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:40,475
over how transparent
your leggings are.
17
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:44,174
- Ooh, and
this delicious silver fox
18
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:47,525
is the main man himself,
Mayor Neil Bremer.
19
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,440
It's the most wonderful time
of the year, sir.
20
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,529
- Oh, for me
that's the Buick classic.
21
00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:53,705
But this is pretty good, too.
22
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:54,967
- And who am I?
23
00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:56,969
Well, I'm just
little old Jayden,
24
00:00:57,013 --> 00:01:00,973
and I make the sweet filling
for the Mayor's piehole.
25
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,410
I'm his
Communications Director.
26
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,194
- Seems like
a real fun ensemble.
27
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:05,717
Where do you want this?
28
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:07,806
- Happy holidays from LA!
29
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:10,809
[bright music]
30
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:16,728
♪
31
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,122
- So do you think this'll be
a half-day or what?
32
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,602
- Oh, of course,
I mean, it's bad enough
33
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:22,212
the Mayor made us come in
on LA Christmas Eve.
34
00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:24,127
- Christmas Eve?
It's the 22nd.
35
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:26,651
- Yeah, exactly, it's the three
to seven days before Christmas
36
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:29,089
when everyone leaves to go
celebrate someplace human.
37
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:31,178
- What?
LA Christmas is the best.
38
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:33,832
Everyone's all bundled up
in light sweaters
39
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:36,618
sitting on sexy Santa's lap
at the Beverly Center.
40
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,402
- No, thank you.
41
00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:40,317
Hey, if my flight's at 4:00,
when should I leave for LAX?
42
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:41,536
- Do you have TSA PreCheck?
43
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:43,581
Oh, honey,
you're gonna die here.
44
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,409
- But if I miss that flight,
I have no backup plan.
45
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:46,802
Please, hot Filipino Jesus,
46
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:48,630
don't let me spend
Christmas in Los Angeles.
47
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:50,762
- Hey, look, I know
this isn't the first place
48
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:52,677
that everyone thinks of
when they think Christmas,
49
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:56,594
but it's because LA doesn't
have a good Christmas song,
50
00:01:56,638 --> 00:02:00,120
which is why I have been
working on one for 15 years.
51
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:01,599
It's halfway done.
52
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,079
- Oh, you don't have
to sing it.
53
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,255
- Oh, are you--okay.
- ♪ There's no snow in sight
54
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:06,909
♪ Say the weather folks
55
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:10,434
♪ And it's hard as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks ♪
56
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:11,870
- Nuh-uh.
- Gonna be a no from me, dawg.
57
00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:13,698
- Why are you all still here?
58
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:15,222
- Have we been released?
59
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,832
- No, what's the Mayor
waiting for?
60
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:19,226
- Oh, dear God,
this is a disaster.
61
00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:20,749
- What?
62
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:23,882
- The gifts I ordered my staff
are delayed in transit.
63
00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:26,102
- Why can't people just
get them when they get back?
64
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,495
- And think that I'm a chiseler
65
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:30,106
who bought them on sale
on the 26th?
66
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,890
No, no, no way.
67
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,370
You know, it's really hard
68
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:35,372
to be a wealthy person
this time of year.
69
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,506
- Dad, no.
- Everybody expects a gift.
70
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:42,858
Your staff, your housekeepers,
your masseuse, your pool guy,
71
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:44,381
the pool guy's son
72
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,949
who's just sort of around
once December starts.
73
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,647
- His name is Raphael,
and he's a grout artist.
74
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:52,868
- I know,
and I got him a cashmere beret.
75
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,305
When I was growing up, I didn't
get anything at Christmas.
76
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:56,654
- Because your family's Jewish.
77
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:58,047
- But also poor.
78
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:02,007
Oh, I spent so much time
and money getting everyone
79
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:03,487
monogrammed garment bags,
80
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:05,097
and now they're
not gonna make it.
81
00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:08,753
- Monogrammed garment bags?
I'm not getting one, am I?
82
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,668
- Hey, sorry to interrupt,
but can either of you think
83
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,801
of a Christmassy word
that rhymes with horchata?
84
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,324
- Not now, Jayden.
85
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,196
- A little bent,
but I'll try it.
86
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:17,632
- Now I gotta get
something else here.
87
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:19,242
- People don't want
more things.
88
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,897
An experience is
way more meaningful,
89
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:24,291
like how we all went to Vegas
for Ceviche's birthday.
90
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,597
- Vegas?
When was that?
91
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:30,210
- Disney, Dad, better turn
your hearing thing up.
92
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,429
- An experience?
93
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:35,606
You know something?
That's helpful.
94
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:36,520
Thank you.
95
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,174
- No, Spirit Airlines.
96
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,350
The one time I need you
to be trash, you're on time?
97
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:42,526
- Hey, so if you end up
getting stuck here,
98
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,615
you're totally welcome
to pretend to be bi
99
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,269
and say you're my boyfriend
at my parents' house.
100
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,879
- What?
No.
101
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:49,533
- I can't take another
Christmas Eve
102
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,753
where I'm the only single adult
in my family.
103
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,234
I want someone to make
snide comments with
104
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:55,713
or kiss under the mistletoe,
105
00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:58,586
our breath rich
with Andes mints and ham.
106
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:01,066
- Sorry, but I'm catching
my flight to PA,
107
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:03,243
and then I'm going to the Wawa
where "Mare of Easttown"
108
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,592
and my cousin Nico were shot.
109
00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:11,729
- Oh, great.
110
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:16,430
Now this dill weed, Patrick,
City Council's videographer.
111
00:04:16,473 --> 00:04:18,736
- Okay, tension.
112
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,956
- Of course, I'm tense.
That guy's the worst.
113
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,305
- Really?
114
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,567
He's giving me
sad Pa Ingalls vibes,
115
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:24,960
like after Mary goes blind.
116
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,222
I'm into it.
117
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,224
- There's definitely an energy
between you.
118
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,095
Like, you're the two
hottest people
119
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:31,445
at a Rite Aid, and you know it.
120
00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:34,622
- No, man,
he's always been rude to me.
121
00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:37,189
The day I got sworn
into City Council, I asked him
122
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,844
for a copy of the video,
and he told me he lost it.
123
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:43,761
And this is back when the tapes
were, like, this big, liar.
124
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,328
- Hey, does anyone have
a festive rhyme
125
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:46,547
for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?
126
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:47,939
- Twink's eggnogs.
127
00:04:47,983 --> 00:04:49,506
- I am telling you Arpi,
128
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:51,639
this is the holiday romance
that we all need,
129
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:53,118
and I am gonna prove it to you.
130
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,598
- Stop pointing at him.
131
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,600
- Ms. Shaw, Department
of Transportation on line one.
132
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,036
- Oh, great, thanks.
133
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,995
Maybe they wanna French me
in my childhood bedroom.
134
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:03,433
- Everybody, I have
an announcement to make.
135
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,348
My personal gifts for you
136
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,916
will not be arriving
in time for the holidays.
137
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:13,138
So stick around because
I have a new gift coming,
138
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,923
an experience.
139
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,404
- Sir, a little issue,
you know how people here
140
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,362
dump their trees
on the curb by December 22nd
141
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:22,017
because everyone leaves because
LA Christmas is the worst?
142
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:23,366
- Yeah, no kidding.
143
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,715
- Well, apparently
the Santa Ana winds
144
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:26,456
are blowing the discarded trees
onto roads
145
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,503
and causing some
pretty severe traffic problems.
146
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:32,636
- Aha, see, that's what
messed up my garment bags.
147
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,812
- Oh no, we're getting
garment bags?
148
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,206
- Disgusting,
you know how many Angelenos
149
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:38,947
can't even afford
a Christmas tree
150
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:41,210
while rich scum
just throw them away.
151
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,516
- Okay, well,
152
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:46,258
you know, some rich scum
are doing their best.
153
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:50,828
Tommy, call sanitation, handle
this before you leave, please.
154
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,135
♪
155
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:55,485
- Excuse me, Tommy Tomás
from the Mayor's office.
156
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,008
I couldn't find
anyone upstairs.
157
00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,532
- Well, yeah, 'cause all
the bosses are gone already.
158
00:05:58,575 --> 00:06:00,055
- Well, Cesar.
159
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,970
- Oh, good job reading
my name tag.
160
00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:03,580
- We need teams dispatched ASAP
161
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,842
to remove discarded
Christmas trees.
162
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,366
- Yo, I saw that on the news.
163
00:06:06,409 --> 00:06:08,019
Cars were bonking
like Mario Kart.
164
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:09,804
We can get some guys out,
but we're gonna need
165
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:12,110
quadruple overtime
for working on Christmas.
166
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:13,503
- But it's the 22nd.
167
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:15,418
- Yeah, which is LA
Christmas Eve.
168
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,854
All my best guys
are gone already.
169
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:19,335
They're in Tulum, Kauai,
Jackson Hole.
170
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,510
- Boy,
you guys make more than me.
171
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,033
- I'm down to my skeleton crew,
172
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:25,036
which is what I call my guys
with the weakest arms.
173
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,298
- Oh.
174
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:27,430
- If you want
the big boys back,
175
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,692
we're gonna need that quad.
176
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:32,435
- No, I can't authorize quad.
[phone buzzes]
177
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,437
Sir, the Mayor is not asking.
178
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:37,919
He's telling you
to do your jobs.
179
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,747
- And what am I supposed to do
with all those Christmas trees?
180
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:41,444
- I don't care where
you put them.
181
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:44,055
Just put them.
182
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:48,277
♪
183
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,583
- I knew it.
184
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:50,888
- What?
It's just work.
185
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:54,239
- No, it's not.
All your footage is of Arpi.
186
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,764
This is the Keira Knightley
story in "Love Actually,"
187
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,896
the greatest
Christmas rom-com ever.
188
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,245
- No, "Elf."
189
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:02,465
- I told Arpi, I saw the way
you looked at her.
190
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:03,727
I knew it was love.
191
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,816
- Arpi knows who I am?
192
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:08,558
- Hey, you can't just sit here
pining after her.
193
00:07:08,602 --> 00:07:10,778
Do something.
Learn Portuguese.
194
00:07:10,821 --> 00:07:11,953
- What?
195
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:13,520
- I don't know.
Colin Firth does that.
196
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:16,914
I'm just excited.
197
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:21,092
- Whoa, my pine-scented candle
is getting it done.
198
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:23,399
Oh, wait, no,
it's all those Christmas trees.
199
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,748
- What the hell is this?
200
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,750
- Is it Christmas magic?
201
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:29,536
Wait, has anyone run into
a mysterious new janitor
202
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,276
that may or may not be Santa?
203
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,366
- Oh, come on, Sanitation.
You're dumping the trees here?
204
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:37,587
Hey, tell your boss, this is
like a baby saying curse words,
205
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:39,676
not cute, not funny.
206
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,549
- He's gonna disagree with you
on that reference.
207
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:47,771
- Every Christmas,
the office empties out,
208
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:49,425
and I get real work done.
209
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,340
When are you letting
these turkeys go home?
210
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:54,952
- As soon as I dazzle everyone
with my generosity.
211
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:56,693
Do you like this time of year?
212
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:59,391
- Part of it, pfeffernuesse,
213
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:02,046
that Mariah Carey song,
"Touch My Body."
214
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,005
- It really stresses me out.
215
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,573
I feel like
I'm never doing enough.
216
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,184
- That's because you've bought
into the consumer's perversion
217
00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:10,402
of the Christian rip-off
218
00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:12,274
of a pagan
solstice celebration.
219
00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:14,189
- Okay, road closed, withdrawn.
220
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:16,452
- Arpi, a Christmas miracle
is happening.
221
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,934
The footage, Patrick's footage.
It's all you.
222
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:22,545
He's, like, obsessed with you.
- I'll call security.
223
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,460
- No, no, Arpi,
don't you get it?
224
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,289
You're in a Christmas rom-com.
225
00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:29,247
- What's Christmas got
to do with romance?
226
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:30,553
There's nothing romantic
227
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,121
about pushing out a baby
in a donkey stall.
228
00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:35,123
- All I've ever wanted my whole
post-puberty life
229
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,559
was to be in love at Christmas.
230
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:38,735
And if we are
in a "Love Actually,"
231
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,607
I'm, like,
lucky if I'm the woman trying
232
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:41,999
to steal Snape
from Emma Thompson.
233
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,261
I have nothing, Arpi.
234
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:44,785
I need you
to take this seriously.
235
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:46,613
Patrick is in love with you,
236
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,310
and now you get
to do what Keira Knightley
237
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:50,094
couldn't pull off
back in the day.
238
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,357
And I don't mean low-rise
jeans with a bralette.
239
00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:54,490
- I just want the office
to myself so I can work,
240
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,014
and now I'm dealing
with this moon-eyed nonsense?
241
00:08:57,058 --> 00:09:00,801
- Yes, yes, a million times.
Yes.
242
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:04,544
- Whoa, hey, stop!
Why are you doing this?
243
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,763
- Hey, you told me
you didn't care
244
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,765
where we put the trees, so...
[whistles]
245
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:11,551
- Come on, man.
We're in the same boat here.
246
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:15,555
Look, I will figure out how
to get you double overtime.
247
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:17,600
Deal?
248
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:21,082
- All right, deal,
my new friend, Tommy.
249
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:24,520
- Glad to hear it,
my new friend...
250
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,522
Oh, God,
what's his name?
251
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,350
I know it's a kind of salad.
252
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:31,048
Caprese.
253
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:34,182
- Caprese, what the hell?
254
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,923
And I remembered his name.
255
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,272
- Not cool.
256
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:39,666
[soft music]
257
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,668
- Hey, everyone,
gather around please,
258
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:46,194
and prepare yourself
for the mind-blowing mentalism
259
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:49,937
of Mr. Taryn DiGiacomo.
260
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,373
Ha!
261
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,636
Okay, now you may
have seen Taryn's
262
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,206
incredible streaming special,
"Mind Jacker: Wondermind,"
263
00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,642
or if you were like me,
264
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,819
you had the privilege
of seeing him work up close
265
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:07,389
and personal at Eric Schmidt's
60th birthday party.
266
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,956
- Why would I have been there?
267
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,610
- Linda,
I don't know your life.
268
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:13,395
Anyway, I was able
to book him last minute
269
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179
to perform for us today.
270
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:18,748
It's--well,
it's my gift to you.
271
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:22,665
And you'll still be getting
the monogrammed garment bags
272
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,101
sometime in the new year.
273
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,451
- Monogrammed?
I can't re-gift that.
274
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:30,238
- The heart is a muscle.
The brain is a muscle.
275
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:31,326
- Not true.
276
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,415
- The more I use my heart,
277
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,896
the more my brain
can know about you.
278
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:40,074
You sir, how many meals
have you had today?
279
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,466
- One.
280
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,208
- And how many wings
do birds have?
281
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:46,515
- Nine.
282
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,343
- And how old
would you say I am?
283
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:49,910
- Oh, that feels like a trap.
284
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:53,914
- Hmm, is this the address
of your childhood home?
285
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,787
- Yes, can I get on a plane
and go there now, please?
286
00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:02,487
♪
287
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:05,708
- "You should have gotten
TSA PreCheck."
288
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:08,450
- You see, it's magic,
but it's also funny.
289
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,581
All right, just leave.
290
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,671
- You sir, what is your name?
291
00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:14,456
- Guess.
292
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,632
- Well, you're too old
to be a Jayden.
293
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,547
- Oh, my gosh,
you're exactly right, I am.
294
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,418
This guy is
the real deal, folks.
295
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,203
- Also, your heart didn't beat
that entire time.
296
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,770
I'd get that checked out.
- Thank you.
297
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,728
- Oh.
298
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,731
"Because it's LA Christmas,
and at Christmas,
299
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:29,732
you tell the truth."
300
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,952
- What?
That's not a thing.
301
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:35,129
- "I have loved you from afar,
302
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:38,872
"but you always felt so close
303
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,787
because of my zoom lens."
304
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,266
- Oh, brudder.
305
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:44,660
- No, this happens to
Keira Knightley in the movie.
306
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,402
- The guy holds signs
at close range like this?
307
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,317
- So her husband
won't hear, yes.
308
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,058
- Why doesn't he need
just whisper?
309
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:54,888
Why risk getting caught holding
a stack of incriminating signs?
310
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,541
- Hey, guys, quiet.
311
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,849
He's about to guess
Orly's favorite restaurant?
312
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:03,157
- Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?
313
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,812
- Yeah, but isn't that
everyone's favorite restaurant?
314
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,727
Sorry, I hear it.
315
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:14,734
♪
316
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,170
- Damn you, Cobb.
317
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:19,347
- I'm getting corn, or masa.
318
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:21,349
Look at your phone.
[phone chimes]
319
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:23,568
- She just got a text.
Right when he said that.
320
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:26,397
- It's my grandchildren
making tamales.
321
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,530
Usually, I'm there by now.
Can I go?
322
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,140
- Yeah, once the sad guy
says things to us,
323
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,402
are we allowed to go?
324
00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,230
- No because he does
a really cool thing
325
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:34,710
with everyone at the end
326
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,581
that's gonna make us
all feel connected.
327
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,192
Taryn, what's next, buddy?
328
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:40,585
- Intermission.
329
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:42,892
Do you have
to take the intermission?
330
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:45,460
- For reasons I can't
go into, yes.
331
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:50,639
[soft music]
332
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:51,988
- Hello, Taryn.
333
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:53,424
- Oh, I'm kind of
on a break now.
334
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:56,036
- Okay, well, you're not
a very good mentalist.
335
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,038
You don't remember
that we matched
336
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:01,171
a couple years ago on Bumble,
and then you never answered.
337
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,826
- Uh-huh.
- Well, here's another chance.
338
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,741
My family does
this Christmas thing.
339
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,308
- Oh, I'm sorry.
340
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,397
I met someone on there,
and we're married now.
341
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,138
She's a retired ballerina.
342
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:13,705
Her breasts got too large
to continue dancing.
343
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:18,406
- Oh, well, good for you.
Best wishes.
344
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:20,364
One more thing,
345
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:23,803
will I find love
in the coming year?
346
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:27,632
- I'm not a psychic.
I'm a mentalist.
347
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,070
But just like, as a person,
348
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:34,683
I will say you
vibrate desperation.
349
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:38,208
- Oh, thank you
for your feedback.
350
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,167
- Happy holidays.
351
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,696
- Mikaela, wait.
You were right.
352
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:49,089
I'm gonna go for it
353
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,178
with Patrick
because love is possible.
354
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:54,094
- Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!
355
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:57,749
Run as fast
as your bone density allows.
356
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,056
[dramatic music]
357
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,579
- Why are you being
so mean to me?
358
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,712
I thought we were friends.
- Me too, bro.
359
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,888
And you didn't
even know my name.
360
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,411
Now you're gonna know it.
361
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,587
'Cause it's spelled out
on your car in pine sap.
362
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,111
[phone buzzes]
363
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,941
- Well, I just
missed my flight.
364
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,507
I hope you're happy.
365
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,292
All I wanted to do
was get home to my Lola,
366
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,033
sit on her
plastic-covered couch,
367
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:24,167
and eat bebinca together,
and this was my last chance.
368
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,082
She's not dying, I just plan
on doing keto in the new year.
369
00:14:26,126 --> 00:14:28,345
- Nah, nah, nah.
I'm the mean character here.
370
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:31,609
Okay, I hate Christmas time
because in this time of giving,
371
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,046
nobody ever thinks about us.
372
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:34,656
We're invisible elves.
373
00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:37,485
Just one day, one day,
I'd like to feel like Santa.
374
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,966
- Yeah, well,
I might have an idea
375
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,619
that would make being in LA
for Christmas
376
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:44,535
slightly less than terrible
and let you be Santa.
377
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,929
[upbeat music]
378
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,411
- Patrick, wait!
379
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:53,544
There's a woman
watching us right now
380
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,329
for that building behind us.
381
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,809
That woman thinks everything
you did today was romantic
382
00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:01,248
because she's been brainwashed
by some British people.
383
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,641
What you did today is
not romantic, it's weird.
384
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:07,123
And "Love Actually" sounds like
a deeply problematic movie.
385
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,951
One of the stories
is Bilbo Baggins
386
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,475
shooting a porno on Christmas.
387
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:14,348
- But, Arpi,
I just wanna film you forever.
388
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,917
- Listen to yourself, man.
389
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,136
Look, I hate all of this,
390
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,790
but I care deeply
about my friend up there,
391
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:25,837
and I want her to believe that
love actually exists actually,
392
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,448
so this is for her.
393
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:33,715
♪
394
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:36,805
Now I'm gonna whisper a list
395
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:41,070
of free mental health resources
available through city funding
396
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,377
because you need serious help.
397
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,074
♪
398
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:46,510
- I don't really work here.
399
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:49,513
- [sighs]
400
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:52,038
- Leslie, eyes on Taryn.
401
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,170
- Okay, listen.
Tough love right now.
402
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:56,216
Dad, you're bad at gifts.
403
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:57,565
- What?
404
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,741
What about that beautiful
candelabra I got you?
405
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,830
- I was nine and not Liberace.
406
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,137
And don't bring up
the dollhouse when you said
407
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,008
I couldn't touch it
because it was an antique
408
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,879
that had belonged
to French royalty.
409
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,490
- Because it did.
And you shouldn't.
410
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,188
- You're super generous,
but Christmas makes you weird.
411
00:16:12,232 --> 00:16:14,712
Just let all these people
go home.
412
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:19,413
- The queen of diamonds
is in your mouth, sir.
413
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:24,592
- Oh, hey.
All right, there Taryn.
414
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:28,117
Thank you so much.
That'll be enough.
415
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:32,034
All right, everybody,
go on home.
416
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,515
[cheers and applause]
417
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:38,040
But you know what?
You all are ungrateful.
418
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,390
Do you have any idea
how much time I spent
419
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,654
picking the monogram fonts
on those garment bags?
420
00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:46,744
I found out all
of your middle names!
421
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:51,314
Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,
Anna, Moon-system.
422
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,664
But you don't appreciate that!
423
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:57,625
And yes, it stinks
to be poor at Christmas.
424
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:58,930
No one wants to hear this,
425
00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:01,237
but it really stinks
for millionaires.
426
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:03,152
- Okay, thanks for watching--
- It does.
427
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,502
- Don't forget
to smash that like button.
428
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:07,809
- Tell you what?
Go on, go home.
429
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,115
Seriously, go on.
Get out of here.
430
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,508
Take these stupid trees
with you.
431
00:17:11,552 --> 00:17:14,685
[dramatic music]
432
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:17,079
♪
433
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,428
- Not me,
I don't do fire stuff.
434
00:17:18,472 --> 00:17:22,258
- My words, my beautiful words!
- Oh, no.
435
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:24,260
- My song is gone,
and I never got to sing it.
436
00:17:24,304 --> 00:17:27,742
- Jayden, I am so sorry.
437
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,397
- You've made a fool out of me.
438
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,096
And you've made the life
I lead foolish, too.
439
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,663
- Emma Thompson.
440
00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:39,710
- [gasps]
441
00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:41,973
I told you,
love is all around us.
442
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:45,934
- You were right, and now
Patrick and I are lovers.
443
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,240
Thanks.
444
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,720
- Hey, Arpi, can I talk
to you for a minute?
445
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:53,115
I feel like I've ruined
everyone's Christmas.
446
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,378
- Yes, sir.
What's your question?
447
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,250
- Why am I so terrible at this?
448
00:17:57,293 --> 00:18:01,167
Every year I go all out.
I try to dazzle people.
449
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,125
- Well, there it is.
450
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:04,474
You're trying to show off,
451
00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:07,434
instead of thinking about
what people really want.
452
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,088
You know what
I just gave Mikaela?
453
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:12,830
I kissed a weirdo
because that's what she needed.
454
00:18:12,874 --> 00:18:16,878
Giving a good gift isn't
about what you want.
455
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:19,794
It's about
what the recipient wants.
456
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:23,580
- Of course.
Oh, my God, it's like sex.
457
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:26,105
Why haven't I ever connected
this before?
458
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,150
- Probably because it's
mostly a holiday for children.
459
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,631
- No, but I get it.
I really get it.
460
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,807
Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.
461
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:36,027
I am sorry that I made today
about me
462
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:39,161
instead of about your pleasure.
463
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,511
- Oh, gross, sir,
but we all forgive you.
464
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:44,732
- Thanks, Tommy,
yeah, not Jayden.
465
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:47,561
I destroyed his Christmas song.
466
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,911
No amount of money
is gonna bring that back.
467
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,869
- Wait, can you call
Taryn DiGiacomo?
468
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:53,262
I mean, maybe he can--
469
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:56,265
- Use his mental powers
to guess the lost lyrics?
470
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:58,049
Yes, I'm still here
471
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,964
because my Lyft canceled
because traffic's a mess.
472
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:02,489
- Flag on the play.
No one goes home.
473
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,621
- Damn it, man.
474
00:19:04,665 --> 00:19:06,188
- Hey, can you do that?
475
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,277
Can you mentalize
Jayden's song back?
476
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:12,455
- Again, I'm not a psychic.
I just read body language.
477
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,283
Okay, some of what I do
involves hiding microphones
478
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,806
in bathrooms,
but I did not do that here
479
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,199
because it was
too short notice.
480
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,766
- How are you married
and I'm not?
481
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:21,943
- What I do do is thin-slice
people by asking questions.
482
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,466
For example,
if the guy was here,
483
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:26,077
I would ask, "Jayden,
what's your favorite color?"
484
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,775
all: Yellow.
- 'Cause minions.
485
00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,865
- Jayden, what's a three-digit
number that's important to you?
486
00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:32,388
All: Seven, eight, nine.
487
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:34,347
- It's why six is
afraid of seven.
488
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:38,481
Boy, we know that kid
really well, don't we?
489
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:40,875
- You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
490
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:43,138
Maybe Taryn DiGiacomo
can finally prove
491
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,749
to his father
that mentalism is a valued--
492
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,403
- Taryn, you're not
the main character.
493
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,536
Orly, get some paper.
494
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:51,581
[soft music]
495
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,844
- Stop prank knocking!
496
00:19:53,888 --> 00:19:55,324
I know you're retired,
497
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:58,675
but you have to find
a new hobby, Mrs. Chen!
498
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:02,505
- Jayden, we've got
something for you.
499
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:06,466
- ♪ There's no snow in sight
say the weather folks ♪
500
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:11,210
♪ It's still hot as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks ♪
501
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:15,475
♪ But the fires have died and
there's a little less smoke ♪
502
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:19,392
♪ Now it's Christmas in LA
503
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:23,874
♪ There's no Jack Frost
nipping your redone nose ♪
504
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:28,009
♪ But no one will ask
why your forehead's froze ♪
505
00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:32,056
♪ And that filler sure
makes your cheekbones glow ♪
506
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,624
♪ Yes, it's Christmas in LA
507
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,147
[together]
♪ In LA
508
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:40,108
- ♪ There's a fistfight
at the Trader Joe's on Vine ♪
509
00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:44,373
♪ And a pileup on the ten
510
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:48,769
♪ They found a human head
by the Hollywood sign ♪
511
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,598
♪ It's Christmas Eve again
512
00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:53,600
[together]
♪ Eve again
513
00:20:53,643 --> 00:20:56,777
[soft music]
514
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,082
- Is that your song?
515
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,781
- No, but I loved
every word of it.
516
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:04,132
♪
517
00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:08,179
- ♪ We may not have ice skates
or sleds that soar ♪
518
00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:12,096
♪ But we've got horchata
and Pauly Shore ♪
519
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:14,316
♪ Grab a Pink's hot dog
520
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:20,191
♪ Drink a twink's eggnog,
for its Christmastime LA ♪
521
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:24,457
♪ It may not be the ushe,
but if I can choose ♪
522
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:30,593
♪ I'd still spend my Christmas
here with you ♪
523
00:21:30,637 --> 00:21:33,161
♪
524
00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:36,295
- It's ashing!
525
00:21:37,121 --> 00:21:39,341
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
37538
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