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1
00:00:01,136 --> 00:00:06,839
♪ THY LORD IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT ♪
2
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:12,479
♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN
IN GREEN PASTURES ♪
3
00:00:12,481 --> 00:00:18,084
♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪
4
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:24,324
♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪
5
00:00:27,029 --> 00:00:29,929
♪ STILL WATERS ♪
6
00:00:29,931 --> 00:00:32,065
( bleating )
7
00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:39,439
VICAR...
MM?
8
00:00:39,441 --> 00:00:41,441
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FORWARD TO
9
00:00:41,443 --> 00:00:43,943
MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
AT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
10
00:00:43,945 --> 00:00:46,446
WELL, MY HIGHLIGHTS
ARE GONNA BE
JURASSIC PARK
11
00:00:46,448 --> 00:00:48,114
AND THE QUEEN'S SPEECH,
12
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:51,251
WRITTEN THIS YEAR
BY RUBY WAX, I BELIEVE.
13
00:00:51,253 --> 00:00:53,386
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?
14
00:00:53,388 --> 00:00:57,223
I'M TOTALLY EXCITED
ABOUT YOUR FIRST
CHRISTMAS SERMON.
15
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,891
IT'S JUST GONNA BE
AN EXPERIENCE
16
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,193
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
17
00:01:00,195 --> 00:01:04,397
ALICE, MY FIRST
CHRISTMAS SERMON
WAS LAST CHRISTMAS.
18
00:01:06,535 --> 00:01:09,202
OH, YEAH.
I FORGOT.
19
00:01:09,204 --> 00:01:10,903
NOT THAT
IT'S YOUR FAULT.
20
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:14,040
YOU PROBABLY JUST CHOSE
A BORING SUBJECT.
21
00:01:14,042 --> 00:01:16,543
WHAT, THE BIRTH
OF JESUS CHRIST,
22
00:01:16,545 --> 00:01:19,579
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
"THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD"?
23
00:01:19,581 --> 00:01:21,647
WELL, YEAH,
FIRST TIME YOU HEAR IT,
24
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,784
BUT AFTER THAT,
IT'S A BIT PREDICTABLE,
ISN'T IT?
25
00:01:24,786 --> 00:01:27,887
I MEAN...MAN AND WOMAN
GET TO INN, INN FULL,
26
00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:31,424
WOMAN HAS BABY IN MANGER,
ANGELS SING ON HIGH,
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
27
00:01:31,426 --> 00:01:33,826
YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN
TO MENTION THAT
THAT BABY
28
00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:35,828
IS, IN FACT,
THE SON OF GOD.
29
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:38,831
OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I MEAN, THAT'S
A NICE TWIST.
30
00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:41,267
A NICE TWIST?
31
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:44,304
YEAH, BUT THERE AREN'T
EXACTLY A LOT OF LAUGHS.
32
00:01:44,306 --> 00:01:46,038
I MEAN, THE CHRISTMAS FOOLS
AND HORSES--
33
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,908
OH, THAT'S MUCH FUNNIER.
34
00:01:48,910 --> 00:01:52,011
THAT RODNEY.
WHAT A PLONKER.
35
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:54,013
I THINK WE'D BETTER
CHANGE THE SUBJECT,
36
00:01:54,015 --> 00:01:56,015
BECAUSE, FRANKLY,
IF WE STICK WITH THIS ONE,
37
00:01:56,017 --> 00:01:58,151
I'LL BE FORCED TO PUT THIS
SOMEWHERE DARK
38
00:01:58,153 --> 00:02:00,786
THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU TO WALK.
39
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:01,787
( watch beeping )
40
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:02,822
CHOCOLATE TIME.
41
00:02:02,824 --> 00:02:04,924
NOW, THEN,
ALICE, TELL ME,
42
00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:06,959
EXACTLY HOW MANY
CHOCOLATE ADVENT CALENDARS
43
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:11,063
IS THE MAXIMUM
A GREEDY PERSON SHOULD HAVE?
44
00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:15,067
I DON'T KNOW.
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT 30.
45
00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:16,769
GOOD. GOOD.
46
00:02:16,771 --> 00:02:18,771
I'VE GOT IT
ABOUT RIGHT, THEN.
47
00:02:18,773 --> 00:02:20,706
GOOD.
48
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,576
AND THERE'S JUST ENOUGH TIME
BEFORE DAVID'S BIG PARTY
49
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:26,912
TO OPEN TWO MORE WINDOWS
ON MY OASIS ONE.
50
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,349
DO YOU WANT LIAM OR NOEL?
51
00:02:29,351 --> 00:02:30,850
LIAM!
52
00:02:30,852 --> 00:02:32,152
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
53
00:02:34,556 --> 00:02:35,721
MMM!
54
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,723
PATSY KENSIT'S RIGHT,
YOU KNOW.
55
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,092
LIAM IS TASTY.
56
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,662
GOT ANYTHING PLANNED
FOR CHRISTMAS?
57
00:02:42,664 --> 00:02:44,697
WELL, ONE OR TWO THINGS, YES.
58
00:02:44,699 --> 00:02:46,566
I AM THE VICAR, REMEMBER?
59
00:02:46,568 --> 00:02:48,268
OH, YES.
YES, OF COURSE.
60
00:02:48,270 --> 00:02:50,703
CAN BE QUITE A SAD TIME,
THOUGH, CHRISTMAS,
CAN'T IT?
61
00:02:50,705 --> 00:02:53,673
I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY
FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ALONE
ON CHRISTMAS DAY--
62
00:02:53,675 --> 00:02:58,678
SOLITARY, SAD ACTS
WATCHING JURASSIC PARK
AND OPENING ADVENT CALENDARS.
63
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,914
YES. YEAH,
THAT IS TRAGIC,
ISN'T IT?
64
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:05,251
SAY, WHAT'S THE IDEA
WITH YOUR FATHER
AND THE, UH...
65
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:08,988
OH, HE SAYS IT MAKES HIM
MORE ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN.
66
00:03:08,990 --> 00:03:12,158
RIGHT. SO HE'S GONE
COMPLETELY MAD NOW, THEN?
67
00:03:15,530 --> 00:03:19,165
WELCOME, EVERYBODY,
AND THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING.
68
00:03:19,167 --> 00:03:21,967
MAY I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
OF WISHING YOU ALL
A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
69
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,470
( children carolling )
I HOPE WE ALL FIND THIS
70
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:27,674
A TIME OF JOY AND PEACE
AND GOOD WILL TO ALL MEN.
71
00:03:27,676 --> 00:03:31,511
HUGO, TELL THAT LOT
TO GO AND DROWN THEMSELVES,
WILL YOU?
72
00:03:31,513 --> 00:03:33,613
YES, ALL RIGHT.
73
00:03:33,615 --> 00:03:36,115
OR...I COULD ASK THEM
TO COME IN
74
00:03:36,117 --> 00:03:38,784
AND CHEER OUR HEARTS
WITH THEIR CHILDISH JOY.
75
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,620
I THINK NOT.
76
00:03:40,622 --> 00:03:42,188
OH, SHAME!
77
00:03:42,190 --> 00:03:45,024
OH, ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL TAKE A VOTE.
78
00:03:45,026 --> 00:03:48,695
WHO WANTS TO HEAR
LITTLE MISS LOONY
AND HER TUNELESS TOTS
79
00:03:48,697 --> 00:03:50,896
KILL SOME CAROLS?
80
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,198
THREE CHEERS FOR CRIMBO!
81
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,399
VICAR, VICAR!
82
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:56,802
JIM AND I
ARE GETTING TOGETHER
ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
83
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:57,837
OH.
84
00:03:57,839 --> 00:03:59,239
NOT THAT WE'RE AN ITEM,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
85
00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:00,607
NOT IN THAT SENSE,
86
00:04:00,609 --> 00:04:03,643
BUT JOINING FORCES
FOR THE DAY.
87
00:04:03,645 --> 00:04:06,112
JUST THE DAY,
NOT THE NIGHT.
88
00:04:06,114 --> 00:04:07,480
RIGHT.
89
00:04:07,482 --> 00:04:09,181
AND WE WONDERED
90
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:12,318
IF YOU'D CONSIDER
BEING OUR GUEST.
91
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,319
OHH.
92
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,355
THE THING IS,
MY WIFE'S AWAY
93
00:04:15,357 --> 00:04:19,125
ON A COMPETENT
GRANDPARENTING COURSE
94
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:21,861
AND WE USED TO HAVE
CHRISTMAS LUNCH
AT LETITIA'S,
95
00:04:21,863 --> 00:04:24,664
BUT SINCE SHE...
WELL, YOU KNOW,
SORT OF...
96
00:04:24,666 --> 00:04:25,965
DIED.
97
00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:28,000
YES. IT'S JUST US,
98
00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:30,035
AND, UH,
WE WOULDN'T HALF MIND
99
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,037
A BIT OF TODDY
TO TAKE HER PLACE.
100
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:36,108
OH, I SEE--IT'S SORT OF
A ROCK 'N' ROLL LUNCH
WITH THE GUYS.
101
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:39,445
OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
102
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:43,349
YEAH, SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND SWISS ROLLS.
103
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:46,986
WE PROMISE YOU
A DELICIOUS REPAST
104
00:04:46,988 --> 00:04:51,157
AND A POTENTIALLY
THRILLING GAME
OF CHARADES.
105
00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:55,461
WELL, I CAN'T DENY
I AM TOTALLY AVAILABLE
FOR CHRISTMAS LUNCH,
106
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,530
SO...I'D BE DELIGHTED
TO ACCEPT.
107
00:04:57,532 --> 00:04:59,499
A RESULT!
HA HA!
108
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,167
EXCEPT
FOR THE CHARADES,
109
00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:04,036
WHICH I ENJOY AS MUCH
AS COLONIC IRRIGATION.
110
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:06,306
I'VE NOT PLAYED THAT.
111
00:05:08,176 --> 00:05:13,045
♪ GLO-O-O... ♪
112
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,794
WELL, THAT'S LOVELY,
ISN'T IT?
113
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,263
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY LOVELY,
CHILDREN.
114
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:33,799
NOW, THEN,
BEFORE YOU FINISH,
A LITTLE TEST FOR YOU.
115
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:37,035
WE ALL KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS
IS A VERY, VERY SPECIAL TIME,
116
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,037
BUT WHO CAN TELL ME
WHO STARTED IT ALL?
117
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,639
YES, JAMES?
118
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,707
NOEL EDMONDS.
119
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,642
NO.
120
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,478
THAT LETS ME OUT.
121
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:46,845
ANY OTHER GUESSES?
122
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:47,846
BABY JESUS.
123
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,181
THAT'S RIGHT, BETHANY,
124
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,882
AND WHAT'S SO SPECIAL
ABOUT JESUS?
125
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,851
HIS NAME'S A SWEAR WORD.
126
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,155
YES, BUT I WAS THINKING
RATHER MORE OF THE FACT
127
00:05:56,157 --> 00:05:57,756
THAT HE IS THE SON OF GOD.
128
00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,226
AND WHERE WAS HE BORN?
129
00:06:00,228 --> 00:06:01,560
IN DUNSTABLE!
130
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,061
IN DUNSTABLE?
131
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,231
Children: YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT.
132
00:06:05,233 --> 00:06:07,500
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
133
00:06:07,502 --> 00:06:10,536
WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WAS A BIT ODD,
134
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,605
BUT THAT'S WHAT
MY MUM TOLD ME.
135
00:06:12,607 --> 00:06:14,540
JESUS WAS BORN
IN DUNSTABLE.
136
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:17,943
IN A STABLE.
137
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:20,146
IS THERE ANY CHANCE
OF GETTING ON WITH IT?
138
00:06:20,148 --> 00:06:22,148
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
139
00:06:22,150 --> 00:06:24,850
I WAS JUST LEAVING
WHEN THAT DAFT GIRL
140
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,919
AND HER HORRIBLE GANG
OF TALENTLESS DWARFS CAME DOWN.
141
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,921
I HAVEN'T HEARD
A RACKET LIKE IT
142
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,191
SINCE I CAUGHT A COW
IN THE SHREDDER.
143
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,027
HELLO, ALICE.
144
00:06:35,029 --> 00:06:37,796
HELLO,
DEAR LITTLE CHILDREN.
145
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,898
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
146
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,268
AND ON YOU GO,
ALICE.
147
00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:43,769
RIGHT.
AHEM.
148
00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,138
OUR FINAL SONG
IS AN OLD FAVOURITE
149
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:50,142
IN A NEW VERSION
THE CHILDREN
TAUGHT ME.
150
00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:53,345
I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
THAT YOU MUST LISTEN TO
THE CULTURE OF THE YOUNG.
151
00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:54,780
GET ON WITH IT.
152
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,182
OKAY.
153
00:06:56,184 --> 00:06:58,950
ON THE COUNT
OF FOUR. FOUR.
154
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:03,755
♪ WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
THEIR FLOCKS BY NIGHT ♪
155
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,725
♪ WHILE SEATED ON A BANK ♪
156
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:07,893
OH, GOD.
157
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:11,664
♪ AN ANGEL WHO WAS BORN
CAME DOWN ♪
158
00:07:11,666 --> 00:07:13,899
♪ AND TAUGHT THEM
HOW TO-- ♪
159
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:17,736
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
OH, MERRY, MERRY, MERRY...
160
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,108
FABULOUS.
DEEPLY MOVING.
161
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,143
SO NICE TO KNOW
THE SHEPHERDS
162
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,646
REALLY HAD SOME FUN
AT CHRISTMAS,
ISN'T IT?
163
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,119
BYE.
BYE.
164
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,788
I CAN'T DENY IT.
165
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,790
I HAVE HEARD
MORE PLEASANT SOUNDS
166
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,126
COMING FROM VERY RECENTLY
CASTRATED CATTLE.
167
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,396
LOOK, VICAR, I KNOW
WE HAVE OUR DIFFERENCES.
168
00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:46,298
I BELIEVE IN HANGING
AND BIRCHING
169
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,466
AND YOU'RE NOT NORMAL.
170
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,900
BUT THE THING IS,
171
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,936
I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE
SOME CHANGES IN MY LIFE...
172
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,505
AND MY IMAGE,
AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS.
173
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,807
YES, I NOTICED THAT.
174
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,977
IT'S VERY, VERY BEARD-LIKE,
ISN'T IT?
175
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,079
WELL, HA HA.
THANK YOU.
176
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,349
THE TRUTH IS,
177
00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:05,684
AT LAST I'M PUTTING RIGHT
SOME OF THE THINGS
178
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,686
THAT FORCED MY POOR WIFE
TO LEAVE ME
179
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,221
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO,
180
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:11,223
SO I FINALLY LEARNED
HOW TO COOK.
181
00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:13,259
OH!
WITH THE HELP
OF DELIA SMITH.
182
00:08:13,261 --> 00:08:15,060
SAINT DELIA.
183
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:19,998
YES, WHICH MEANS I'M DOING
A REAL CHRISTMAS LUNCH
THIS YEAR,
184
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,968
AND I'D BE THRILLED
IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME ALONG
AND TASTE IT.
185
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,371
OH, DAVID,
WHAT A SWEET OFFER.
186
00:08:25,373 --> 00:08:26,772
UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN'T.
187
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,575
NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
FORGET I MENTIONED IT.
188
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,076
A LEOPARD CAN'T CHANGE
HIS SPOTS.
189
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:33,912
TO YOU I SHALL ALWAYS BE
A SAD AND BITTER
OLD BACHELOR.
190
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,248
NO, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT
AT ALL, DAVID.
191
00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:38,717
OH, SO YOU WILL COME, THEN?
192
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,920
UH, UH...YES, YES.
193
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,189
I'D LOVE TO COME
AND TASTE YOUR STUFFING.
194
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,558
SPLENDID.
195
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,927
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
JUST A MOMENT?
196
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:49,995
I'VE GOT TO, UH...
YEAH, THANKS.
197
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,764
FRANK, JIM, UM--
198
00:08:51,766 --> 00:08:54,266
IT'S GOING TO BE
THE MOST EXCITING CHRISTMAS
199
00:08:54,268 --> 00:08:55,768
OF OUR LIVES.
200
00:08:55,770 --> 00:08:57,670
OH, THAT'S WHAT
I SAY!
201
00:08:57,672 --> 00:08:59,271
( laughs )
202
00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:01,307
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,
ISN'T IT?
203
00:09:01,309 --> 00:09:03,008
IT'S GONNA BE
REALLY GREAT.
204
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,277
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
JUST A MOMENT?
205
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:07,946
UH, DAVID--
206
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:10,849
I AM SO EXCITED
THAT YOU'LL COME.
207
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,418
GOOD.
208
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:15,120
FOR STUFFING,
DO YOU THINK I'D BE MAD
209
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,423
TO TRY DELIA'S
EXOTIC CRANBERRY ONE?
210
00:09:17,425 --> 00:09:18,924
NO, NO.
THAT'D BE LOVELY.
211
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:22,160
SPLENDID.
NOW, TELL ME, VICAR,
ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE,
212
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,330
HOW'S THE CHRISTMAS SERMON
GOING?
213
00:09:24,332 --> 00:09:26,498
OH, IT'S FINE.
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT MUCH.
214
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,067
OH, DEAR.
WHAT? PROBLEM?
215
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,770
I KNOW I WOULDN'T THINK ABOUT
ANYTHING ELSE FOR MONTHS.
216
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,905
WOULDN'T YOU?
NO.
217
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,241
WHY?
IT'S THE KEYNOTE SPEECH
218
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,410
AT THE PARTY CONFERENCE,
ISN'T IT?
219
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,546
IS IT?
220
00:09:40,548 --> 00:09:43,148
DELIVER A STINKER...AGAIN,
221
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,150
AND YOU'LL LOSE 'EM
FOR THE WHOLE YEAR.
222
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,819
WILL I?
223
00:09:46,821 --> 00:09:49,221
THEY'RE BACK TO SATAN
TILL NEXT DECEMBER.
224
00:09:49,223 --> 00:09:50,789
ARE THEY?
225
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,090
INDEED.
226
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,759
RIGHT.
227
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:54,926
RIGHT.
228
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,430
RIGHT, ALICE.
229
00:09:57,432 --> 00:09:59,065
YOU READY TO HEAR THIS?
230
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,066
I'M ALL EARS.
231
00:10:00,068 --> 00:10:01,533
WELL, NOT ALL EARS.
232
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:04,837
SOME FACE AND TUMMY
AND LEGS AND LOTS
OF OTHER BITS,
233
00:10:04,839 --> 00:10:07,340
INCLUDING SOME RATHER
PRIVATE BITS
234
00:10:07,342 --> 00:10:09,641
I ONLY LET A DOCTOR SEE.
235
00:10:11,079 --> 00:10:13,112
AND HE WASN'T A DOCTOR,
236
00:10:13,114 --> 00:10:15,814
AND HE GOT ARRESTED
SOON AFTERWARDS.
237
00:10:17,385 --> 00:10:19,218
MY EARS ARE ALL EARS,
238
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,053
AND THEY'RE LISTENING
TO YOU,
239
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:24,790
GERALDINE GRANGER,
VICAR EXTRAORDINARY.
240
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,492
RIGHT.
241
00:10:26,494 --> 00:10:28,627
PICTURE THE SCENE.
242
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:29,828
CHRISTMAS MORNING,
243
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,863
FULL HOUSE,
244
00:10:30,865 --> 00:10:33,232
GIRL VICAR
WITH SPECIAL NEW HAIRDO.
245
00:10:33,234 --> 00:10:35,234
I'M SO EXCITED
I COULD JUST BURST
246
00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:38,471
LIKE A GREAT BIG BLISTER
WHEN YOU STAB IT
WITH A PIN.
247
00:10:38,473 --> 00:10:41,374
YEAH, WELL, PLEASE DON'T.
248
00:10:41,376 --> 00:10:44,477
A HUSH DESCENDS
AND I START.
249
00:10:44,479 --> 00:10:48,481
"I TAKE AS MY TEXT TODAY
ST. JOHN 1:1.
250
00:10:48,483 --> 00:10:50,582
"'IN THE BEGINNING
WAS THE WORD,
251
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:52,684
AND THE WORD WAS WITH GOD--'"
252
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,287
AND, ALICE, PLEASE PUT
THAT MAGAZINE DOWN.
253
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:56,788
OH, SORRY.
254
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,491
IT'S GREAT, THOUGH.
255
00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:00,259
GREAT BEGINNING.
FANTASTIC.
256
00:11:00,261 --> 00:11:02,061
OH, WELL, GOOD.
GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
257
00:11:02,063 --> 00:11:06,665
I HAVE TO RETHINK
THE WHOLE THING NOW.
258
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:07,666
( sighs )
259
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:08,967
VICAR...
260
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,602
VERGER.
261
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:12,405
THIS...
262
00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:16,175
OH, ALICE, HOW SWEET!
263
00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:17,743
OOH, I WONDER
WHAT IT IS.
264
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,546
IS IT A BOWL?
NO.
265
00:11:20,548 --> 00:11:23,249
WONDER IF IT'S A BOOK.
CAN I OPEN IT NOW?
266
00:11:23,251 --> 00:11:24,983
YEAH.
OH, THANKS.
267
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,553
I LOVE BOOKS.
SOMETHING A BIT
INTELLECTUAL
268
00:11:27,555 --> 00:11:29,555
JUST TO GET
YOUR TEETH INTO,
269
00:11:29,557 --> 00:11:31,223
YOU KNOW,
JUST DRIFT AWAY
270
00:11:31,225 --> 00:11:33,725
ON A CARPET
OF STORYTELLING
AND IMAGINATION.
271
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:39,231
RIGHT. ZIGAZIG HA-- THE AUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF THE SPICE GIRLS.
272
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:45,104
FANTASTIC.
273
00:11:45,106 --> 00:11:46,605
IT'S A BRILLIANT STORY.
274
00:11:46,607 --> 00:11:48,607
OH, I CAN BELIEVE THAT,
AND LOOK AT THIS.
275
00:11:48,609 --> 00:11:50,209
"CHAPTER ONE--
THE BEGINNING.
276
00:11:50,211 --> 00:11:53,212
WE DECIDE WHICH ONE OF US
IS GOING TO HAVE RED HAIR."
277
00:11:53,214 --> 00:11:54,913
FABULOUS.
278
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,283
LOOK AT THIS.
"CHAPTER EIGHT--
BIG TROUBLE.
279
00:11:57,285 --> 00:11:58,817
WE ALL FANCY THE SAME BLOKE
IN BOYZONE."
280
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,752
OH, NO!
WHAT'LL THEY DO?
281
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,421
THANK YOU SO MUCH,
ALICE.
282
00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:04,256
OH, I'M GLAD
YOU LIKE IT.
283
00:12:04,258 --> 00:12:07,259
I WAS TORN BETWEEN THAT
AND THE BOOK ABOUT
DES LYNAM'S MUM.
284
00:12:07,261 --> 00:12:09,395
WELL, YOU MADE
THE CORRECT CHOICE.
285
00:12:09,397 --> 00:12:12,398
I'VE GOT TO GET ON
WITH MY SERMON NOW, THEN.
286
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,765
OH, FINE.
287
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,135
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE SERVICE,
288
00:12:16,137 --> 00:12:17,470
AND LUNCH WILL BE
ABOUT 1:00.
289
00:12:17,472 --> 00:12:18,804
RIGHT. WHAT?
290
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,906
LUNCH?
YEAH.
291
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,075
USUALLY, IT'S JUST ME,
MY SISTER, AND MY MUM,
292
00:12:23,077 --> 00:12:25,578
BUT THIS YEAR
I SAID, "CAN I BRING
THE VICAR ALONG?"
293
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:27,580
MUM SAID,
"OH, THE VICAR WON'T COME.
294
00:12:27,582 --> 00:12:30,583
SHE'LL HAVE FAR MORE
IMPORTANT PEOPLE
TO HAVE LUNCH WITH."
295
00:12:30,585 --> 00:12:32,251
IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
296
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:34,920
I STARTED TO CRY,
AND I SAID, "NO, SHE WON'T,
297
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,423
'CAUSE I'M HER BEST FRIEND
IN THE UNIVERSE,"
298
00:12:37,425 --> 00:12:40,159
AND MUM SAID, "ALL RIGHT,
ASK HER TO COME, THEN,"
299
00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:42,661
AND I SAID,
"I DON'T NEED TO ASK HER..."
300
00:12:42,663 --> 00:12:44,497
FUNNY YOU SHOULD
SAY THAT.
301
00:12:44,499 --> 00:12:48,867
"AND ANYWAY,
IF SHE DIDN'T COME,
I'D KILL MYSELF."
302
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,469
RIGHT.
303
00:12:50,471 --> 00:12:52,438
RIGHT! WELL,
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
304
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,507
OHH, OKAY.
OF COURSE.
305
00:12:54,509 --> 00:12:59,512
AND, UH, BY THE WAY,
UM, ABOUT MY SISTER...
306
00:12:59,514 --> 00:13:02,748
SHE'S LOVELY, BUT, UM,
SHE'S NOT QUITE AS--
307
00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:05,351
WELL, YOU KNOW,
ON THE BALL AS I AM,
308
00:13:05,353 --> 00:13:07,586
SO, YOU KNOW,
DON'T LET'S GET
309
00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:09,622
INTO THE HEAVY,
DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL STUFF
310
00:13:09,624 --> 00:13:13,659
THAT YOU AND I GO IN FOR,
IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
311
00:13:13,661 --> 00:13:17,729
YEAH, YOU MEAN, STEER CLEAR
OF THE JESUITICAL HERESY,
THAT SORT OF THING.
312
00:13:17,731 --> 00:13:19,298
YEAH.
RIGHT.
313
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:22,268
WELL, I BETTER GO AND GET
MY LAST-MINUTE SHOPPING.
314
00:13:22,270 --> 00:13:23,369
RIGHT. BYE!
BYE!
315
00:13:23,371 --> 00:13:25,137
DON'T GO MAD. HA HA.
316
00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,173
OOPS, TOO LATE. YOU DID.
317
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:31,310
( knock on door )
OOH.
318
00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:33,345
OWEN!
HELLO, VICAR.
319
00:13:33,347 --> 00:13:35,113
I GOT SOMETHING
TO ASK YOU.
320
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,149
PLEASE SAY IT'S NOT
ABOUT CHRISTMAS LUNCH.
321
00:13:37,151 --> 00:13:40,319
NO.
OH, THANK GOD!
322
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:44,856
NO, I JUST WONDERED
WHETHER IT'D BE ALL RIGHT
323
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,892
IF I MISSED THE SERVICE
TOMORROW.
324
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,761
ONLY MY FAVOURITE SHEEP
IS SICK.
325
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:52,198
I WON'T BORE YOU
WITH THE DETAILS,
326
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,568
BUT SHE SWALLOWED
THIS FISH HOOK AND I TRIED
TO YANK IT OUT,
327
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:58,637
BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE CAUGHT
ON ONE OF HER VENTRICLES,
328
00:13:58,639 --> 00:14:01,039
SO I'VE NOW TUGGED UP
IN HER THROAT--
329
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,242
UH, YOU DEAL
WITH THAT, OWEN.
330
00:14:03,244 --> 00:14:05,177
BUT, ACTUALLY,
SINCE YOU'RE NOT COMING
TO THE SERVICE,
331
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:06,945
YOU WOULDN'T DO ME A FAVOUR,
WOULD YOU?
332
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,547
DEPENDS.
333
00:14:08,549 --> 00:14:10,249
IT'S JUST THAT
I'VE JUST THIS SECOND
334
00:14:10,251 --> 00:14:12,685
THOUGHT OF AN EXCITING
NEW BEGINNING
FOR MY SERMON.
335
00:14:12,687 --> 00:14:14,220
I'D LOVE TO KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK.
336
00:14:14,222 --> 00:14:17,022
RIGHT. OKAY.
I'LL GIVE IT A LISTEN.
337
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,990
GREAT. COME ON IN.
338
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,992
TO BE HONEST,
ANYTHING TO PUT OFF
339
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,862
SCRAPING THE COW DUNG
OFF THE STABLE WALLS.
340
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:24,863
RIGHT. RIGHT.
341
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,399
DO SIT DOWN. AHEM.
342
00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:30,436
I'VE DECIDED TO STEER CLEAR
OF THE TRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS SERMON,
343
00:14:30,438 --> 00:14:33,138
SO I'M GOING TO START,
344
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:36,174
"I TAKE MY TEXT TODAY
NOT FROM THE BIBLE
345
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,210
"BUT FROM
A RATHER BEAUTIFUL POEM
346
00:14:38,212 --> 00:14:43,249
"BY CHRISTINA ROSSETTI
CALLED THE HIDDEN HEART.
347
00:14:43,251 --> 00:14:46,685
'I LOOK THIS MORN
UPON MY FACE AND WHENCE--'"
348
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:49,521
ACTUALLY,
THOSE STABLE WALLS
ARE PRETTY MUCKY.
349
00:14:49,523 --> 00:14:51,423
I THINK I'LL GET--
YEAH.
350
00:14:51,425 --> 00:14:52,758
BYE.
BYE!
351
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,794
QUITE UNDERSTAND.
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
352
00:14:55,796 --> 00:14:58,631
RIGHT.
NOW, SOME FRIGHTENING FACTS.
353
00:14:58,633 --> 00:15:00,633
IT'S THE BIGGEST GIG
OF THE YEAR,
354
00:15:00,635 --> 00:15:02,635
IT'S A ONE-WOMAN SHOW,
355
00:15:02,637 --> 00:15:04,637
THERE'S 12 HOURS TO GO,
356
00:15:04,639 --> 00:15:07,072
I HAVE NO IDEAS AT ALL.
357
00:15:08,476 --> 00:15:11,243
( bells chiming )
358
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:13,779
AAH!
359
00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:17,949
OH, NO, THIS IS
A MAJOR ESSAY CRISIS NOW.
360
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,018
LISTEN, BIRTHDAY BOY...
361
00:15:21,455 --> 00:15:23,455
IF YOU DON'T HELP ME NOW,
362
00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:26,458
I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO
TELL THEM YOU ACTUALLY ARE
NOEL EDMONDS.
363
00:15:27,662 --> 00:15:29,662
IT'S UP TO YOU.
364
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,600
PLEASE...HELP ME.
365
00:15:34,602 --> 00:15:40,472
Congregation:
♪ HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS ♪
366
00:15:43,678 --> 00:15:46,211
OH, WELL DONE, VICAR.
FIRST-CLASS SERMON.
367
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,913
OH, THANKS, DAVID.
368
00:15:47,915 --> 00:15:49,315
INTERESTING TEXT.
369
00:15:49,317 --> 00:15:51,717
FASCINATING PARALLEL
BETWEEN THE TWO STORIES.
370
00:15:51,719 --> 00:15:54,753
JUST LIKE MARY,
THE SPICE GIRLS
WERE ALSO VIRGINS
371
00:15:54,755 --> 00:15:57,489
THRUST INTO PUBLIC EYE
AT A YOUNG AGE.
372
00:15:57,491 --> 00:15:59,024
VERY ILLUMINATING.
373
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,225
YES, AND LIKE THEM,
374
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,361
JESUS WANTS US
TO TELL HIM WHAT WE WANT.
375
00:16:02,363 --> 00:16:04,463
WHAT WE REALLY,
REALLY WANT.
376
00:16:04,465 --> 00:16:05,631
BRILLIANT STUFF, VIC.
377
00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:06,799
COME ALONG, HUGO.
378
00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:08,300
I FANCY THE BLONDE ONE.
379
00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:09,702
SEE YOU AT 1:00,
VICAR.
380
00:16:09,704 --> 00:16:10,703
RIGHT.
381
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:13,305
JOLLY GOOD SERMON,
VICAR!
382
00:16:13,307 --> 00:16:14,473
DON'T YOU AGREE, JIM?
383
00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,508
NO, NO, NO.
YES, YES.
384
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:18,877
I LIKED THE WAY
YOU MOVED FROM
385
00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:23,415
THE SUPERFICIAL
AND FACILE MESSAGES
OF POPULAR MUSIC
386
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:28,620
TO THE SUBTLE
AND COMPLEX REVELATIONS
OF THE NATIVITY.
387
00:16:28,622 --> 00:16:30,155
RIGHT.
388
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,223
LUNCH AT 1:00?
389
00:16:31,225 --> 00:16:34,192
COULD WE HAVE IT
JUST A LITTLE BIT EARLIER?
390
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,227
LIKE WHEN?
391
00:16:35,229 --> 00:16:36,962
LIKE IN ABOUT
FIVE MINUTES.
392
00:16:36,964 --> 00:16:40,265
RIGHT.
SHE'S KEEN, JIM.
SHE'S VERY KEEN.
393
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,634
BETTER GET THAT TURKEY
IN THE MICROWAVE.
394
00:16:42,636 --> 00:16:44,269
( sighs )
395
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,303
SEE YOU AT LUNCH!
396
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,972
YEAH.
OH, UM, ALICE.
YEAH.
397
00:16:46,974 --> 00:16:49,475
PLEASE REMEMBER
I HAVEN'T GOT
A VERY BIG APPETITE.
398
00:16:49,477 --> 00:16:51,377
( laughing )
399
00:16:51,379 --> 00:16:53,846
YOU.
PULL THE OTHER ONE.
400
00:16:53,848 --> 00:16:56,849
"THIRDS, PLEASE, ALICE,"
MORE LIKE.
401
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,255
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
402
00:17:03,257 --> 00:17:05,523
RIGHT. MUST HAVE
A LITTLE PRACTICE.
403
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:08,927
"JUST A TINY PORTION
FOR ME, THANK YOU."
404
00:17:08,929 --> 00:17:11,096
"NO, THANKS.
I WON'T HAVE ANY PUDDING."
405
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,531
OH, THAT ONE'S
GONNA BE TRICKY.
406
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,533
JUST A COUPLE
OF SLICES OF TURKEY
407
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,035
AND A FEW VEG
FOR ME, THANKS.
408
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,570
ABSOLUTELY.
409
00:17:20,774 --> 00:17:25,344
AND EXACTLY HOW MANY TYPES
OF VEGETABLE IS THAT?
410
00:17:25,346 --> 00:17:27,112
SIXTEEN.
411
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:29,547
MEAT AND 16 VEG.
412
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,617
THAT'S ALWAYS
BEEN THE WAY
IN DIBLEY.
413
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:35,420
TUCK IN, VICAR.
THERE'S MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
414
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,822
LUCKY, LUCKY ME, EH?
415
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:41,894
WELL, IT WAS SCRUMPTIOUS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED.
416
00:17:44,265 --> 00:17:45,297
PUDDING.
417
00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:47,266
WELL, UM,
418
00:17:47,268 --> 00:17:50,602
PERHAPS I'LL JUST HAVE
A SMALL PORTION.
419
00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:53,972
RIGHT.
THERE'S ONE EACH.
420
00:17:53,974 --> 00:17:56,674
WHOLE ONE EACH.
FINE.
421
00:17:56,676 --> 00:18:00,178
HA HA.
YEAH. YEAH.
422
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,347
( laughs )
423
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,016
FOUND THE MONEY YET,
VICAR?
424
00:18:04,018 --> 00:18:05,250
NOT YET, NO.
425
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,919
YOU OUGHT
TO FIND SOME.
426
00:18:06,921 --> 00:18:08,753
I PUT £5
IN EVERY PUDDING!
427
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,556
OH. ACTUALLY...
428
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,894
OH, I SAY.
WELL DONE!
429
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:20,565
"WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU SEE A SPACEMAN?"
430
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,402
OH, I DON'T KNOW, KNOW,
KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, JIM.
431
00:18:23,404 --> 00:18:25,770
WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU SEE A SPACEMAN?
432
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,140
"PARK IN IT."
433
00:18:28,142 --> 00:18:30,742
NOW, THAT IS
MOST AMUSING.
434
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:34,846
HOW DO THEY THINK UP
THESE NEW JOKES
EVERY YEAR?
435
00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:36,114
DO YOU GET IT, VICAR?
436
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,783
NOT AS OFTEN
AS I'D LIKE.
437
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,784
( all laughing )
438
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,487
AH, SAUCY, HUH?
HA HA HA HA!
439
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:46,925
I HEARD A VERY FUNNY JOKE
LAST WEEK. HILARIOUS.
440
00:18:46,927 --> 00:18:48,260
DID YOU?
441
00:18:48,262 --> 00:18:49,861
( mumbles )
442
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:52,130
VERY FUNNY.
443
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,366
IN YOUR OWN TIME, THEN.
444
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,636
KNOCK, KNOCK.
445
00:18:58,638 --> 00:18:59,771
WHO'S THERE?
446
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,874
NO. NO, NO.
447
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,943
NO, NO, NO.
448
00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:06,278
NO, WAIT!
449
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,713
HA HA HA HA!
450
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,716
NO, NO. NO, NO.
NO, NO. NO, NO.
451
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,586
NO. NO, NO.
452
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:18,023
NO. NO, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, NO. NO.
453
00:19:18,025 --> 00:19:19,024
DOCTOR!
454
00:19:19,026 --> 00:19:21,226
DR. WHO?
455
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,195
YES.
456
00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:24,929
( all laugh )
457
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,970
OH, LORD!
458
00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:34,339
OH. OH. OHH.
459
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,341
NO.
460
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,176
UNREALISTIC.
461
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,312
( belches )
OH, DEAR.
462
00:19:40,314 --> 00:19:42,714
FOR WHAT WE ARE
ABOUT TO RECEIVE,
463
00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:45,150
MAY THE LORD
MAKE US TRULY GRATEFUL.
464
00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:47,252
AMEN.
AMEN.
465
00:19:52,893 --> 00:19:53,992
WELL, THAT'S ORIGINAL.
466
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,495
NOT GOING FOR
THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY, THEN?
467
00:19:56,497 --> 00:19:59,197
WELL, NOT AS
THE STARTER, NO.
468
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:00,698
RIGHT.
469
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:05,103
SO THIS FAMILY-SIZED
PORTION OF PASTA
470
00:20:05,105 --> 00:20:07,172
IS IN FACT
THE STARTER, IS IT?
471
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,610
EXCELLENT.
472
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,246
TUCK IN.
473
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:19,051
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE ME.
474
00:20:19,053 --> 00:20:21,019
I WON'T BE HAVING
THAT MUCH TURKEY.
475
00:20:21,021 --> 00:20:23,555
YOU WON'T BE HAVING
ANY TURKEY...
OH?
476
00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:26,224
TILL AFTER
THE FISH COURSE.
477
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,792
EXCELLENT.
478
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,962
A WHOLE FISH.
479
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:36,334
AND NOW...THE TURKEY.
480
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:42,907
SO, H-H-HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
HA HA!
481
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,477
"WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU SEE A SPACEMAN?"
482
00:20:47,781 --> 00:20:51,849
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU SEE A SPACEMAN?
483
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,686
"PARK IN IT."
484
00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,125
HUMOUR'S GETTING VERY SURREAL
THESE DAYS, ISN'T IT?
485
00:21:00,127 --> 00:21:01,793
I BLAME NICHOLAS WHITCHELL.
486
00:21:04,565 --> 00:21:05,930
MORE SPROUTS, VICAR?
487
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,632
UH, NO, NO.
THEY ARE LOVELY,
488
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:10,768
BUT I REALLY COULDN'T EAT
ANOTHER ONE.
489
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,370
HA HA. YES!
490
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,038
RIGHT.
491
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,208
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
492
00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:18,243
NO. NO.
NO, NO, IT'S NOTHING.
493
00:21:18,245 --> 00:21:19,911
HUGO AND I HAVE
A SILLY CHRISTMAS WAGER
EACH YEAR.
494
00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:22,314
I BET THAT I CAN EAT
MORE SPROUTS THAN THE GUESTS,
495
00:21:22,316 --> 00:21:24,349
AND HE BETS THAT I CAN'T.
496
00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:27,319
NEVER WON IN 20 YEARS,
HAVE YOU, HUGO?
497
00:21:27,321 --> 00:21:29,354
NO, FATHER.
AS USUAL, YOU WIN.
498
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:33,592
LIKE EVERY TENNIS GAME,
EVERY GAME OF BACKGAMMON,
499
00:21:33,594 --> 00:21:36,828
EVERY GAME OF CARDS
WE'VE EVER PLAYED
SINCE I WAS BORN.
500
00:21:36,830 --> 00:21:39,564
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE JUST
A BETTER PERSON THAN I AM.
501
00:21:39,566 --> 00:21:42,234
RIGHT.
502
00:21:42,236 --> 00:21:45,137
THOUGHT HE WAS ONTO A WINNER
WITH YOU THERE, GERALDINE.
503
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:46,471
NO SUCH LUCK.
504
00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:48,340
NO. I'M A LOSER.
505
00:21:48,342 --> 00:21:50,908
THAT'S MY BOY.
506
00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:55,413
JUST WAIT ONE
COTTON-PICKING MINUTE HERE.
507
00:21:55,415 --> 00:22:00,718
I THINK PERHAPS I COULD MANAGE
A COUPLE MORE AFTER ALL.
508
00:22:09,396 --> 00:22:11,729
CONTESTANT DAVID,
509
00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:14,866
YOU WILL GO
ON MY FIRST WHISTLE.
510
00:22:21,375 --> 00:22:24,842
VIXEN, YOU WILL GO
511
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,412
ON MY SECOND WHISTLE.
512
00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:31,416
( whistles )
513
00:23:08,322 --> 00:23:11,155
I'M THROUGH.
FINISH THOSE
AND YOU WIN.
514
00:23:11,157 --> 00:23:12,257
( whistles )
515
00:24:06,045 --> 00:24:08,246
AT LAST,
I'VE HAD A TASTE OF VICTORY!
516
00:24:08,248 --> 00:24:10,181
AND IT SURE IS MIGHTY FINE.
517
00:24:10,183 --> 00:24:11,816
PUT IT THERE, PARTNER.
518
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:24,829
AHEM!
519
00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:28,900
WHILE I'M UP,
I THINK I'D BETTER
CALL IT A DAY.
520
00:24:28,902 --> 00:24:30,435
COULDN'T EAT
ANOTHER THING.
521
00:24:30,437 --> 00:24:32,904
AU CONTRAIRE, VICAR!
522
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:34,639
BRING IN THE WINNER'S REWARD!
523
00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:36,174
WE MADE IT ESPECIALLY BIG
524
00:24:36,176 --> 00:24:39,143
BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU
LIKE YOUR PUDDINGS, VICAR!
525
00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:41,613
MMM...
526
00:24:48,221 --> 00:24:51,222
IF I EVER ACTUALLY MEET DELIA SMITH IN PERSON,
527
00:24:51,224 --> 00:24:53,558
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO STRANGLE HER
528
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,059
WITH MY BARE HANDS
529
00:24:55,061 --> 00:24:59,063
AND STUFF CRANBERRIES INTO EVERY AVAILABLE ORIFICE!
530
00:25:02,035 --> 00:25:04,302
( panting )
531
00:25:08,642 --> 00:25:10,107
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
532
00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:11,643
YOU DON'T LOOK
VERY WELL.
533
00:25:11,645 --> 00:25:16,481
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M SORT OF--
534
00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:17,949
OH! OH!
535
00:25:17,951 --> 00:25:19,116
OH!
536
00:25:19,118 --> 00:25:22,019
OH, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THAT.
537
00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:23,888
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
538
00:25:23,890 --> 00:25:25,857
DON'T YOU WORRY.
539
00:25:25,859 --> 00:25:28,593
YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST FAINT
FROM THE LACK OF FOOD.
540
00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:31,963
SIT DOWN AND WE'LL HAVE YOU
FULL UP IN NO TIME AT ALL.
541
00:25:31,965 --> 00:25:33,431
GOOD.
542
00:25:33,433 --> 00:25:34,799
OOH!
543
00:25:35,836 --> 00:25:37,669
GERALDINE,
THIS IS MY MOM.
544
00:25:37,671 --> 00:25:41,373
OH, MRS. TINKER,
HOW LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
545
00:25:41,375 --> 00:25:43,207
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU.
546
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,076
HAVE YOU?
YES, I HAVE.
547
00:25:45,078 --> 00:25:46,745
HAVE YOU?
I'VE CERTAINLY HAVE.
548
00:25:46,747 --> 00:25:48,045
OH, YOU HAVE,
HAVE YOU?
549
00:25:48,047 --> 00:25:49,647
YES.
550
00:25:49,649 --> 00:25:53,050
AND THIS MUST BE
ALICE'S SISTER!
551
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,486
YES, THIS IS MARY.
552
00:25:54,488 --> 00:25:55,953
OH, HELLO, MARY.
553
00:25:55,955 --> 00:25:57,522
HELLO.
554
00:25:57,524 --> 00:25:59,957
YOU'RE MUCH TALLER
THAN I IMAGINED YOU'D BE.
555
00:25:59,959 --> 00:26:03,194
AM I?
YEAH, 'CAUSE I ALWAYS
IMAGINED YOU SITTIN' DOWN.
556
00:26:03,196 --> 00:26:05,062
ALICE NEVER STOPS
TALKING ABOUT YOU.
557
00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:07,832
I KNOW ABSOLUTELY
EVERY LITTLE THING
ABOUT YOU.
558
00:26:07,834 --> 00:26:08,933
REALLY, ALICE?
559
00:26:08,935 --> 00:26:10,968
SHE SAYS YOU'RE
THE BEST VET
IN THE WORLD.
560
00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:12,837
I'M A VICAR.
ARE YOU?
561
00:26:12,839 --> 00:26:14,539
'COURSE SHE IS,
YOU SILLY BILLY.
562
00:26:14,541 --> 00:26:16,875
VICAR, SIT DOWN,
OTHERWISE
WE'LL NEVER EAT.
563
00:26:16,877 --> 00:26:18,910
THAT SUITS ME.
I'M NOT REALLY
VERY HUNGRY.
564
00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:25,750
I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS A CARD,
DIDN'T I?
565
00:26:25,752 --> 00:26:27,619
YOU TOLD ME
SHE WAS A VET!
566
00:26:27,621 --> 00:26:28,686
NO, I DIDN'T!
567
00:26:28,688 --> 00:26:30,187
GUESS WHAT MUM'S
COOKED UP FOR US
TODAY?
568
00:26:30,189 --> 00:26:32,290
WOULD IT BE TURKEY
AND 16 VEG?
569
00:26:32,292 --> 00:26:34,559
DON'T BE SILLY,
NOT FOR EASTER.
570
00:26:34,561 --> 00:26:36,528
IT'S CHRISTMAS,
YOU NIT!
571
00:26:36,530 --> 00:26:39,597
WHY AM I WEARING A CARDI WITH
A LARGE BUNNY ON IT THEN?
572
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,265
I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO ASK YOU THAT.
573
00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:42,634
AH!
574
00:26:42,636 --> 00:26:45,637
I'VE HEARD WONDERFUL THINGS
ABOUT YOUR COOKING, MRS. TINKER.
575
00:26:45,639 --> 00:26:47,371
HAVE YOU?
YES, I HAVE.
576
00:26:47,373 --> 00:26:49,674
HAVE YOU?
YES, I HAVE.
577
00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:52,043
OH, YOU HAVE, HAVE YOU?
578
00:26:52,045 --> 00:26:55,447
A TABLE! A TABLE!
579
00:26:55,449 --> 00:26:58,783
NOW, FOR WHAT WE
MAY BE ABOUT TO RECEIVE,
580
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:01,619
MAY THE LORD MAKE US
TRULY THANKFUL.
581
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:02,821
AMEN.
AMEN.
582
00:27:02,823 --> 00:27:04,355
JUST BEFORE WE START EATING,
583
00:27:04,357 --> 00:27:06,424
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY.
584
00:27:06,426 --> 00:27:07,959
OH! YAY!
585
00:27:07,961 --> 00:27:10,394
IT'S ABOUT A LOVELY KIND WOMAN
586
00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:11,563
WHO'S A VICAR.
587
00:27:11,565 --> 00:27:12,664
OH, JUST LIKE YOU!
588
00:27:12,666 --> 00:27:14,833
YES. AND BECAUSE SHE WAS
TRYING TO BE KIND
589
00:27:14,835 --> 00:27:16,300
TO HER PARISHIONERS,
590
00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:19,103
SHE AGREED TO HAVE
DIFFERENT SETS
OF CHRISTMAS LUNCH.
591
00:27:19,105 --> 00:27:21,272
OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS.
592
00:27:21,274 --> 00:27:22,841
ISN'T IT? YES.
593
00:27:22,843 --> 00:27:25,977
THE FIRST LUNCH WAS OKAY.
594
00:27:25,979 --> 00:27:29,080
BY THE SECOND LUNCH,
SHE WAS TRYING TO
595
00:27:29,082 --> 00:27:30,515
MANAGE TO GET IT DOWN.
596
00:27:30,517 --> 00:27:32,517
BY THE TIME SHE GOT
TO THE THIRD FAMILY,
597
00:27:32,519 --> 00:27:35,219
SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY STUFFED!
598
00:27:35,221 --> 00:27:37,088
WAS SHE?
YES, SHE WAS.
599
00:27:37,090 --> 00:27:39,223
WAS SHE?
YES, SHE WAS.
600
00:27:39,225 --> 00:27:40,558
OH, SHE WAS, WAS SHE?
601
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:42,827
YES, SHE WAS!
SHE COULDN'T EAT
ANOTHER BITE!
602
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,929
I BET THE THOUGHT
OF ONE MORE SLICE OF TURKEY
603
00:27:44,931 --> 00:27:46,998
MADE HER ABSOLUTELY SICK.
604
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,867
I BET IT MADE HER
ABSOLUTELY SICK.
605
00:27:48,869 --> 00:27:50,802
DID IT?
I BET IT DID.
606
00:27:50,804 --> 00:27:53,070
IT DID, DID IT?
YES, IT CERTAINLY DID.
607
00:27:53,072 --> 00:27:54,606
BUT SINCE HER THIRD FAMILY
608
00:27:54,608 --> 00:27:58,142
WAS WHERE HER ABSOLUTE
BEST FRIEND LIVED--
609
00:27:58,144 --> 00:27:59,911
VICAR, I'M
YOUR BEST FRIEND?
610
00:27:59,913 --> 00:28:01,946
YES! SHE DECIDED
TO TELL HER BEST FRIEND
611
00:28:01,948 --> 00:28:03,982
ALL ABOUT
THE THREE MEALS PROBLEM.
612
00:28:03,984 --> 00:28:05,249
GOOD IDEA.
613
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:07,986
BECAUSE SHE KNEW HER BEST FRIEND
WOULD TAKE PITY ON HER
614
00:28:07,988 --> 00:28:10,655
AND SAY,
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO
EAT ALL THAT FOOD
615
00:28:10,657 --> 00:28:12,156
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
616
00:28:12,158 --> 00:28:13,892
JUST HAVE A CUP OF TEA INSTEAD."
617
00:28:13,894 --> 00:28:17,194
OH, THAT'S WHERE
IT'S NOT LIKE ME AT ALL.
618
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,796
NO?
NO.
619
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:20,999
'CAUSE IF SHE WAS
MY BEST FRIEND,
620
00:28:21,001 --> 00:28:23,501
AND WE COOKED A MEAL LIKE WE'VE
COOKED THIS ONE FOR YOU,
621
00:28:23,503 --> 00:28:25,503
AND IT TURNED OUT
SHE'D EATEN ALREADY,
622
00:28:25,505 --> 00:28:27,038
I'D JUST CRY AND CRY.
623
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,675
AND MY SISTER'S
CRYING ALREADY
JUST HEARING THE STORY.
624
00:28:30,677 --> 00:28:32,309
I'D PROBABLY
SCARRED PSYCHOLOGICALLY
625
00:28:32,311 --> 00:28:34,879
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
BY THIS DREADFUL TURN
626
00:28:34,881 --> 00:28:37,715
OF BETRAYAL AND DECEIT.
627
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,285
RIGHT...
628
00:28:41,287 --> 00:28:43,120
WE'D BETTER
TUCK IN THEN, EH?
629
00:28:43,122 --> 00:28:44,155
HA HA HA!
630
00:28:44,157 --> 00:28:46,724
NOW, THIS STARTER IS...
631
00:28:46,726 --> 00:28:48,325
STUFFING.
632
00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:52,063
BALLS OF STUFFING...
RIGHT.
633
00:28:52,065 --> 00:28:54,198
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.
634
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,300
VERY INTERESTING CHAT,
MRS. T.
635
00:28:56,302 --> 00:28:57,602
WAS IT?
636
00:28:59,205 --> 00:29:01,205
AND THANKS FOR
THE LOVELY PRESENT, MARY.
637
00:29:01,207 --> 00:29:02,339
YOU'RE WELCOME, DOCTOR.
638
00:29:02,341 --> 00:29:04,609
MAYBE WE CAN DO
CHARADES NEXT EASTER.
639
00:29:04,611 --> 00:29:07,311
YES...
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
640
00:29:07,313 --> 00:29:09,948
I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.
I'VE GOT A TAXI WAITING.
641
00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:12,383
THANK YOU.
I'VE GOT TO GO NOW, ALICE.
642
00:29:12,385 --> 00:29:13,685
ALICE...
643
00:29:13,687 --> 00:29:15,019
LET GO, ALICE.
644
00:29:17,223 --> 00:29:18,923
WHO WAS THAT, THEN?
645
00:29:45,384 --> 00:29:47,418
I THINK I'LL
SKIP SUPPER TONIGHT.
646
00:29:51,224 --> 00:29:53,390
HELLO, VICAR.
MAY I HAVE A WORD?
647
00:29:53,392 --> 00:29:55,392
YEAH, YOU CARRY ON.
648
00:29:55,394 --> 00:29:58,129
THE OTHER NIGHT
YOU SAID, WAS I GOING TO
649
00:29:58,131 --> 00:30:00,865
ASK YOU TO
CHRISTMAS LUNCH,
AND I SAID NO,
650
00:30:00,867 --> 00:30:03,234
AND THEN YOU SNUBBED ME.
651
00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:04,702
DID I?
YES.
652
00:30:04,704 --> 00:30:06,270
AND NOW I'VE REALIZED
653
00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:08,105
THAT WAS YOUR
SUBTLE FEMALE WAY
654
00:30:08,107 --> 00:30:10,441
OF ANGLING
FOR AN INVITE.
655
00:30:10,443 --> 00:30:13,410
I DON'T THINK IT WAS.
656
00:30:13,412 --> 00:30:17,048
AND I MISSED IT
'CAUSE I'M NOT A SUBTLE FEMALE.
657
00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:20,584
SO NOW I'M ASKING,
WOULD YOU COME TO LUNCH?
658
00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:22,519
( groaning )
659
00:30:22,521 --> 00:30:25,756
OWEN, I WOULD LOVE TO BUT...
660
00:30:25,758 --> 00:30:28,092
IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE ALONE
AND I'M ALONE.
661
00:30:28,094 --> 00:30:31,128
AND IT'S NOT THAT I WANT
THE COMPANY OR ANYTHING,
662
00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:33,630
ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE NICE
TO HEAR A HUMAN VOICE
663
00:30:33,632 --> 00:30:35,599
ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
664
00:30:35,601 --> 00:30:38,336
SINCE I'VE SPENT
EVERY CHRISTMAS ALONE
SINCE MY UNCLE DIED
665
00:30:38,338 --> 00:30:42,206
IN THE YEAR
THEY INTRODUCED
DECIMAL CURRENCY.
666
00:30:42,208 --> 00:30:44,641
NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO COME,
OF COURSE,
667
00:30:44,643 --> 00:30:46,310
'CAUSE I KNOW I'M A MISERY,
668
00:30:46,312 --> 00:30:49,280
ALTHOUGH I HAVE GOT
A LOT OF LOVE IN MY HEART
669
00:30:49,282 --> 00:30:51,515
AS ANY OF MY COWS
WILL TELL YOU.
670
00:30:53,186 --> 00:30:55,786
IF THEY COULD TALK,
WHICH THEY CAN'T,
671
00:30:55,788 --> 00:30:58,155
WHICH IS A SHAME IN ONE WAY,
672
00:30:58,157 --> 00:31:00,624
AND A BLOODY RELIEF IN ANOTHER.
673
00:31:00,626 --> 00:31:02,159
'CAUSE WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
674
00:31:02,161 --> 00:31:04,795
"OH, WHAT'VE YOU
BEEN UP TO TODAY?"
675
00:31:04,797 --> 00:31:07,899
"OH, STANDING IN A FIELD.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
676
00:31:07,901 --> 00:31:10,167
"STANDING IN A FIELD.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
677
00:31:10,169 --> 00:31:12,069
"YES, STANDING IN A FIELD."
678
00:31:12,071 --> 00:31:14,238
YEAH, I THINK I'VE GOT THAT BIT.
679
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,108
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
JOIN ME AT CHRISTMAS LUNCH
680
00:31:17,110 --> 00:31:19,610
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1971
681
00:31:19,612 --> 00:31:23,180
OR REJECT ME JUST LIKE
I'VE BEEN REJECTED
682
00:31:23,182 --> 00:31:25,849
EVERY DAY BY EVERYONE
EVER SINCE I WAS BORN.
683
00:31:25,851 --> 00:31:27,518
WHAT D'YOU SAY?
684
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:32,290
I SAY YUM-YUM IN MY TUM!
685
00:31:34,294 --> 00:31:35,826
UM...
HERE, LET ME.
686
00:31:35,828 --> 00:31:37,128
OH, THANK YOU.
687
00:31:39,999 --> 00:31:41,899
I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT TOO HUNGRY.
688
00:31:41,901 --> 00:31:44,168
THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
689
00:31:44,170 --> 00:31:47,104
ONLY I KNOW HOW FARMERS
ARE FAMOUS FOR BIG SPREADS,
690
00:31:47,106 --> 00:31:49,606
BUT I'M NOT A COOK,
SO I'VE NOT DONE ONE.
691
00:31:49,608 --> 00:31:51,475
OH, WONDERFUL!
692
00:31:53,512 --> 00:31:55,679
HA HA!
ONLY JOKING.
693
00:31:58,117 --> 00:32:01,819
THERE'S QUITE A LOT OF FOOD HERE
FOR JUST THE TWO OF US.
694
00:32:01,821 --> 00:32:04,755
NO, I'M NOT EATING.
STOMACH UPSET.
695
00:32:04,757 --> 00:32:07,158
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,
I SHALL GET
JUST AS MUCH PLEASURE
696
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,360
FROM WATCHING YOU TUCK IN.
697
00:32:09,362 --> 00:32:12,330
PARTICULARLY,
MY PIECE DE RESISTANCE,
698
00:32:12,332 --> 00:32:15,967
THE TRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS FAIR...
699
00:32:18,838 --> 00:32:20,838
IS THAT TRIPE?
700
00:32:22,375 --> 00:32:24,141
( motor humming )
701
00:32:25,211 --> 00:32:27,345
♪ I'M GOING OUT TO EAT...♪
702
00:32:35,554 --> 00:32:37,188
( groaning )
703
00:32:37,190 --> 00:32:40,724
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS ME
TO HAVE CHRISTMAS LUNCH AGAIN,
704
00:32:40,726 --> 00:32:42,826
I'M GONNA SAY,
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
705
00:32:42,828 --> 00:32:46,497
BUT, FRANKLY, I'D RATHER
HAVE SEX WITH JIMMY HILL."
706
00:32:46,499 --> 00:32:47,898
OH...
707
00:32:47,900 --> 00:32:51,102
WHY DON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE!
708
00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:53,570
( heavy sigh )
709
00:32:53,572 --> 00:32:56,240
WELL, THEY HAVE
LEFT ME ALONE NOW.
710
00:32:59,245 --> 00:33:00,744
YEAH, THEY HAVE.
711
00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:06,517
I SHOULD'VE ASKED A FRIEND OVER.
712
00:33:06,519 --> 00:33:08,519
I DEFINITELY
SHOULD'VE ASKED A FRIEND.
713
00:33:08,521 --> 00:33:09,887
( doorbell )
714
00:33:09,889 --> 00:33:11,322
COMING!
715
00:33:11,324 --> 00:33:13,757
I SHOULD BE THERE
IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
716
00:33:13,759 --> 00:33:15,592
I SWEAR,
717
00:33:15,594 --> 00:33:18,496
IF THESE ARE
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES,
I'M JOINING.
718
00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:22,066
ANYTHING TO GET OUT
OF THIS VILLAGE!
719
00:33:22,068 --> 00:33:23,901
TRY TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE,
720
00:33:23,903 --> 00:33:26,404
THEY TURN ME INTO
THE EASY TURKEY MOUNTING.
721
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:29,606
HELLO.
722
00:33:35,048 --> 00:33:36,713
TRISTRAM CAMPBELL.
723
00:33:36,715 --> 00:33:38,482
YOU PROBABLY
DON'T REMEMBER ME.
724
00:33:38,484 --> 00:33:40,751
I WAS THE PRODUCER WHEN
WE DID SONGS OF PRAISE.
725
00:33:40,753 --> 00:33:43,254
NO! OF COURSE,
I REMEMBER YOU!
726
00:33:43,256 --> 00:33:44,955
DO--DO COME IN!
727
00:33:46,992 --> 00:33:48,625
GO THROUGH.
728
00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:56,633
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
TO DISTURB YOU.
729
00:33:56,635 --> 00:33:58,001
THIS IS CRAZY,
730
00:33:58,003 --> 00:34:00,204
BUT CHRISTMAS
MAKES ONE DO
CRAZY THINGS.
731
00:34:00,206 --> 00:34:02,673
IT CERTAINLY DOES.
LOOK AT THE THREE WISE MEN,
732
00:34:02,675 --> 00:34:04,341
TREKKING THOUSANDS OF MILES
733
00:34:04,343 --> 00:34:07,445
JUST TO BRING A BABY
A COUPLE BOTTLES OF PERFUME!
734
00:34:07,447 --> 00:34:08,712
HA HA HA HA!
735
00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:11,982
QUITE.
736
00:34:11,984 --> 00:34:14,452
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT...
737
00:34:16,155 --> 00:34:18,155
I KNOW I'VE ONLY MET YOU
THE ONCE,
738
00:34:18,157 --> 00:34:20,324
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND.
739
00:34:20,326 --> 00:34:22,859
AND, WELL, I THINK
YOU'RE PERFECT.
740
00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:24,861
SO I JUST WONDERED
IF YOU'D MARRY ME.
741
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:28,599
PARDON?
742
00:34:28,601 --> 00:34:30,468
I WONDER IF YOU'D MARRY ME.
743
00:34:32,505 --> 00:34:34,638
YES, I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
744
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:35,872
AND THEN I THOUGHT...
745
00:34:35,874 --> 00:34:38,642
AAH EEH AAY...
746
00:34:38,644 --> 00:34:41,512
YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY
WANT ME TO DECIDE NOW?
747
00:34:41,514 --> 00:34:44,014
WELL, OF COURSE NOT,
BUT IT'S JUST--
748
00:34:44,016 --> 00:34:47,017
IF YOU COULD FIND IT
IN YOUR HEART TO SAY YES,
749
00:34:47,019 --> 00:34:49,220
THEN YOU'LL MAKE ME
THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE,
750
00:34:49,222 --> 00:34:50,621
AND I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!
751
00:34:50,623 --> 00:34:53,224
( gasps )
752
00:34:53,226 --> 00:34:54,592
WELL!
753
00:34:56,095 --> 00:34:57,561
WELL, THEN...
754
00:34:57,563 --> 00:34:58,729
YES.
755
00:34:58,731 --> 00:35:01,432
I MEAN...YES!
756
00:35:01,434 --> 00:35:03,200
FANTASTIC!
757
00:35:04,604 --> 00:35:05,936
BACK IN A SEC.
758
00:35:07,106 --> 00:35:08,572
HAAH!
759
00:35:09,708 --> 00:35:10,974
HE LOVES ME!
760
00:35:10,976 --> 00:35:13,377
COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY
IN LOVE WITH ME!
761
00:35:13,379 --> 00:35:15,379
LOVED ME FROM
THE MOMENT HE SAW ME.
762
00:35:15,381 --> 00:35:17,381
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS!
763
00:35:17,383 --> 00:35:19,383
UTTERLY OBSESSED WITH ME.
764
00:35:21,354 --> 00:35:24,888
WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BUTT OUT, MEL!
765
00:35:24,890 --> 00:35:26,790
THREE'S A CROWD, BABE!
766
00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:30,327
I'M--I'M GONNA PUT THIS ON.
767
00:35:30,329 --> 00:35:32,263
HE LOVES IT WHEN I'M CUTE.
768
00:35:35,434 --> 00:35:36,833
( doorbell )
769
00:35:42,575 --> 00:35:44,675
HI.
HI!
770
00:35:44,677 --> 00:35:46,109
THIS IS AOIFE.
771
00:35:46,111 --> 00:35:49,246
I DIDN'T BRING HER IN JUST NOW
IN CASE YOU SAID NO.
772
00:35:49,248 --> 00:35:50,747
BUT SHE'D LOVE TO MEET YOU.
773
00:35:50,749 --> 00:35:52,449
HELLO, EVA!
774
00:35:52,451 --> 00:35:53,450
AOIFE.
775
00:35:53,452 --> 00:35:55,152
ETHA!
AOIFE.
776
00:35:55,154 --> 00:35:57,588
YES, "E" WHATEVER!
777
00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:59,590
AND--AND YOU ARE?
778
00:35:59,592 --> 00:36:02,326
I'M TRISTRAM'S FIANCE!.
779
00:36:02,328 --> 00:36:04,595
I DON'T THINK SO.
HA HA HA HA!
780
00:36:06,098 --> 00:36:07,565
NO, OF COURSE YOU ARE.
781
00:36:07,567 --> 00:36:10,100
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
782
00:36:10,102 --> 00:36:11,569
DO COME IN.
783
00:36:14,106 --> 00:36:16,773
JUST GO ON THROUGH.
FIRE'S ON.
784
00:36:20,913 --> 00:36:22,846
Vicar: DRINK?
785
00:36:22,848 --> 00:36:23,847
THANK YOU.
786
00:36:23,849 --> 00:36:24,948
YEAH, PLEASE.
787
00:36:24,950 --> 00:36:27,351
AOIFE'S BEEN DYING
TO MEET YOU.
788
00:36:27,353 --> 00:36:28,785
HAS SHE?
789
00:36:28,787 --> 00:36:30,221
HAS SHE!
790
00:36:30,223 --> 00:36:33,123
I ALWAYS SAID
IF I EVER GOT MARRIED,
791
00:36:33,125 --> 00:36:36,760
THE ONLY PERSON I'D WANT TO
MARRY ME WAS GERALDINE GRANGER.
792
00:36:36,762 --> 00:36:38,596
SUPERB.
793
00:36:38,598 --> 00:36:39,830
SUPERB.
794
00:36:39,832 --> 00:36:42,366
WELL, HERE'S TO
LOVE AND MARRIAGE,
795
00:36:42,368 --> 00:36:44,835
WHICH GO TOGETHER
LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE
796
00:36:44,837 --> 00:36:46,237
ACCORDING TO COLE PORTER.
797
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,240
HE SHOULD KNOW, HE WAS GAY.
HA HA HA HA!
798
00:36:52,511 --> 00:36:54,311
HERE'S TO TRISTRAM
799
00:36:54,313 --> 00:36:56,347
AND HIS YOUNG HEIFER!
800
00:36:56,349 --> 00:36:58,081
AOIFE.
801
00:36:58,083 --> 00:37:00,551
IT IS A STRANGE NAME,
ISN'T IT?
802
00:37:00,553 --> 00:37:02,286
HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?
803
00:37:02,288 --> 00:37:04,755
A-O-I-F-E.
804
00:37:04,757 --> 00:37:06,123
OH...
805
00:37:06,125 --> 00:37:08,959
HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO
LEAVE ANY VOWELS
FOR ANYONE ELSE, EH?
806
00:37:08,961 --> 00:37:10,794
YOU GREEDY HUSSY!
807
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:14,398
SEE, ACTUALLY,
THERE'S NO "U" IN IT.
808
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,166
I ONCE--
THE SAPPY THING I AM--
809
00:37:16,168 --> 00:37:18,168
I LEFT A MESSAGE FOR AOIFE.
810
00:37:18,170 --> 00:37:21,639
"AOIFE, MISSING U ALWAYS!"
811
00:37:23,542 --> 00:37:26,677
THAT'S LOVELY, ISN'T IT?
812
00:37:26,679 --> 00:37:27,944
OH, YOU IRISH.
813
00:37:27,946 --> 00:37:30,947
YOU LOVE
YOUR WACKY SPELLING,
DON'T YOU?
814
00:37:30,949 --> 00:37:33,183
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
HER BROTHER'S
CALLED BROEFNE.
815
00:37:33,185 --> 00:37:36,119
WHAT, SPELLED "KRTNQZ"?
816
00:37:36,121 --> 00:37:37,521
THAT'S THE GUY.
817
00:37:40,726 --> 00:37:43,059
BUT I LOVE HER
WITH ALL MY HEART.
818
00:37:43,061 --> 00:37:45,696
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY,
DESPITE THE NAME THING.
819
00:37:45,698 --> 00:37:47,197
GOOD...GOOD.
820
00:37:47,199 --> 00:37:50,967
AND I LOVE HIM
WITH ALL MY HEART.
821
00:37:50,969 --> 00:37:53,136
AND I WOULD BE THRILLED
IF YOU COULD MARRY US.
822
00:37:53,138 --> 00:37:54,805
I'D SO LOVE A WOMAN TO DO IT.
823
00:37:54,807 --> 00:37:57,007
I'D SO LOVE YOU TO DO IT.
824
00:37:57,009 --> 00:37:59,677
AND I'D BE HONOURED
TO DO IT, AOIFE.
825
00:37:59,679 --> 00:38:01,512
YOU'RE--YOU'RE LOVELY.
826
00:38:01,514 --> 00:38:03,146
OH!
827
00:38:03,148 --> 00:38:06,383
OH, LOOK, WE'RE REALLY SORRY
TO INTERRUPT YOUR CHRISTMAS.
828
00:38:06,385 --> 00:38:09,219
IT JUST SEEMED LIKE
THE PERFECT TIME
TO FIX A WEDDING.
829
00:38:09,221 --> 00:38:12,255
AFTER ALL, IT'S WHAT CHRISTMAS
IS ALL ABOUT, ISN'T IT?
830
00:38:12,257 --> 00:38:13,490
LOVE.
831
00:38:13,492 --> 00:38:15,693
IT IS...
832
00:38:15,695 --> 00:38:18,362
IT IS.
833
00:38:18,364 --> 00:38:22,232
THAT AND OVEREATING
TILL YOU SPEW!
834
00:38:22,234 --> 00:38:24,100
WELL, CHEERS!
835
00:38:32,678 --> 00:38:37,581
♪ IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE, BABE ♪
836
00:38:37,583 --> 00:38:40,918
♪ AND THE DRUNK TANK...♪
837
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:42,019
( doorbell )
838
00:38:43,055 --> 00:38:45,255
( sighs )
839
00:38:53,132 --> 00:38:55,498
I MUST GET SOME CALIPERS
ON THE KNEES.
840
00:38:55,500 --> 00:38:57,701
THESE HAVE SURRENDERED
COMPLETELY.
841
00:38:57,703 --> 00:39:00,804
HELLO, VICAR.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE LONELY.
842
00:39:00,806 --> 00:39:02,873
YES, I AM A BIT.
COME ON IN.
843
00:39:08,114 --> 00:39:09,813
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY?
844
00:39:09,815 --> 00:39:11,381
OH, YEAH.
845
00:39:11,383 --> 00:39:13,083
BEST CHRISTMAS
WE'VE EVER HAD.
846
00:39:13,085 --> 00:39:14,885
WE WERE JUST SITTING AROUND,
847
00:39:14,887 --> 00:39:17,621
AND I SAID I HAD NEVER HAD
SUCH A GOOD CHRISTMAS.
848
00:39:17,623 --> 00:39:19,923
AND MUM SAID, "HAVEN'T YOU?"
AND I SAID, "NO, I HAVEN'T."
849
00:39:19,925 --> 00:39:21,759
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU HAVEN'T, HAVEN'T YOU?"
850
00:39:21,761 --> 00:39:23,360
AND I SAID, "NO, I HAVEN'T."
851
00:39:23,362 --> 00:39:26,329
YES, I THINK I'VE GOT
THE HANG OF THAT BIT.
852
00:39:26,331 --> 00:39:28,331
AND THEN I THOUGHT,
ACTUALLY...
853
00:39:28,333 --> 00:39:30,834
EVERYTHING IS BETTER
IN THE VILLAGE
854
00:39:30,836 --> 00:39:32,870
SINCE THE VICAR ARRIVED.
855
00:39:32,872 --> 00:39:34,437
OH, ALICE, THANK YOU.
856
00:39:34,439 --> 00:39:37,340
AND I THOUGHT,
I WONDER IF THE VIC KNOWS IT.
857
00:39:37,342 --> 00:39:39,643
SO, I THOUGHT,
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW IT.
858
00:39:39,645 --> 00:39:40,644
( doorbell )
859
00:39:40,646 --> 00:39:42,012
WHO CAN THAT BE?
860
00:39:42,014 --> 00:39:44,581
NOT ANOTHER SCOTTISH SADIST
AND HIS IRISH TART!
861
00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:46,784
COMING 'ROUND TO TORTURE ME!
862
00:39:46,786 --> 00:39:50,020
AS I SAID, I THOUGHT,
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW...
863
00:39:50,022 --> 00:39:51,721
HEY!
HI!
864
00:39:53,525 --> 00:39:55,859
OH, THAT'S LOVELY!
865
00:39:55,861 --> 00:39:57,360
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY!
866
00:39:57,362 --> 00:39:59,163
I DO!
WHAT'S THAT?
867
00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:00,397
CHARADES!
868
00:40:00,399 --> 00:40:01,398
OH!
869
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:03,000
ALL RIGHT.
COME IN.
870
00:40:03,002 --> 00:40:05,002
BUT ANYONE WHO DOES
THAT DISGUSTING MIME
871
00:40:05,004 --> 00:40:06,336
FOR GONE WITH THE WIND
872
00:40:06,338 --> 00:40:07,838
IS STRAIGHT BACK OUT AGAIN.
873
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,639
DON'T WORRY ABOUT
THE CATERING, VICAR.
874
00:40:09,641 --> 00:40:11,008
WE ALL GOT TOGETHER
875
00:40:11,010 --> 00:40:13,010
AND PRODUCED
A RATHER SPLENDID SELECTION
876
00:40:13,012 --> 00:40:14,178
OF TURKEY SANDWICHES!
877
00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:16,013
NOT FOR ME,
I DON'T THINK.
878
00:40:16,015 --> 00:40:18,248
DO HAVE ONE, VICAR.
WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT
INTO IT!
879
00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:20,017
SOME OF THEM
HAVE GOT CRANBERRY JELLY,
880
00:40:20,019 --> 00:40:21,518
SOME OF THEM
HAVE GOT PICCALILLI
881
00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:23,020
WE'VE BEEN AT IT
ALL AFTERNOON.
882
00:40:23,022 --> 00:40:24,554
OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
883
00:40:24,556 --> 00:40:26,690
I DON'T THINK
I SHOULD, REALLY.
884
00:40:28,427 --> 00:40:30,627
NOPE, JUST AS I THOUGHT.
BIG MISTAKE!
885
00:40:30,629 --> 00:40:31,728
EXCUSE ME.
886
00:40:43,309 --> 00:40:46,109
IT'S DEFINITELY A FILM?
887
00:40:46,111 --> 00:40:47,811
YES.
888
00:40:47,813 --> 00:40:50,180
AND IT IS ONE WORD?
889
00:40:50,182 --> 00:40:52,049
( chuckling )
YES!
890
00:40:54,053 --> 00:40:55,352
GIVE UP?!
891
00:40:55,354 --> 00:40:56,353
All: YES!
892
00:40:56,355 --> 00:40:58,088
IT'S JARS!
893
00:40:58,090 --> 00:41:00,257
JARS?
894
00:41:01,961 --> 00:41:03,160
I'VE NOT SEEN IT,
895
00:41:03,162 --> 00:41:04,728
BUT I'VE HEARD IT'S ABOUT
896
00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:06,529
THESE BIG JARS
THAT ATTACK PEOPLE.
897
00:41:06,531 --> 00:41:08,265
IT'S JAWS!
898
00:41:08,267 --> 00:41:10,033
JAWS!
899
00:41:10,035 --> 00:41:11,235
SETTLE DOWN!
900
00:41:11,237 --> 00:41:12,569
SETTLE DOWN!
901
00:41:12,571 --> 00:41:15,405
NOW, AHEM!
902
00:41:15,407 --> 00:41:17,841
NOW, I'M NOT
A GREAT SPEECHMAKER.
903
00:41:17,843 --> 00:41:22,479
I GET SO NERVOUS,
I USUALLY START GIBBERING
ABSOLUTE RUBBISH.
904
00:41:22,481 --> 00:41:24,081
I--I JUST WANTED TO SAY
905
00:41:24,083 --> 00:41:27,817
THAT THIS VILLAGE
DIDN'T AMOUNT TO DOODLE-SQUAT
906
00:41:27,819 --> 00:41:29,586
BEFORE THE VICAR ARRIVED.
907
00:41:29,588 --> 00:41:31,688
AND NOW IT'S
A FANTASTIC PLACE TO LIVE.
908
00:41:31,690 --> 00:41:33,357
HEAR! HEAR!
909
00:41:33,359 --> 00:41:35,192
SHE'S THE FIRST PERSON EVER
910
00:41:35,194 --> 00:41:39,363
TO MAKE ME FEEL
GENUINELY DESIRABLE.
911
00:41:39,365 --> 00:41:41,698
EXACTLY, OWEN.
912
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:44,434
SO I--I'D LIKE YOU ALL
TO RAISE YOUR GLASSES
913
00:41:44,436 --> 00:41:45,835
TO OUR OWN DEAR VICAR.
914
00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:47,637
HEAR! HEAR!
TO THE VICAR!
915
00:41:47,639 --> 00:41:49,139
All: THE VICAR!
916
00:41:49,141 --> 00:41:50,807
AND WE HOPE YOU
SOON RECOVER
917
00:41:50,809 --> 00:41:52,876
FROM WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE TRULY SENSATIONAL BOUT
918
00:41:52,878 --> 00:41:55,645
OF INDIGESTION.
919
00:41:55,647 --> 00:41:58,748
THANKS A LOT.
I SHOULD BE OUT
JUST AFTER NEW YEAR.
920
00:42:32,017 --> 00:42:34,117
RIGHT.
KNOCK-KNOCK.
921
00:42:34,119 --> 00:42:35,352
WHO'S THERE?
922
00:42:35,354 --> 00:42:38,021
THE INTERRUPTING SHEEP.
923
00:42:38,023 --> 00:42:40,557
THE INTERRUPTING SHEEP--
924
00:42:40,559 --> 00:42:42,326
BAAH!
925
00:42:43,429 --> 00:42:44,861
DO YOU GET IT?
926
00:42:44,863 --> 00:42:47,730
NO, SORRY, 'CAUSE
I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY BIT.
DO IT AGAIN.
927
00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,500
NO, THAT'S THE JOKE,
THE INTERRUPTING SHEEP,
928
00:42:50,502 --> 00:42:52,235
ALWAYS INTERRUPTS PEOPLE,
929
00:42:52,237 --> 00:42:53,503
SEE?
930
00:42:53,505 --> 00:42:54,972
AND THAT'S FUNNY?
931
00:42:54,974 --> 00:42:58,308
YES...IT'S HILARIOUS.
932
00:42:58,310 --> 00:43:02,545
IN THAT CASE, I KNOW HUNDREDS OF
HILARIOUS JOKES LIKE THAT.
933
00:43:02,547 --> 00:43:04,081
DO YOU?
YEAH, I DO.
934
00:43:04,083 --> 00:43:06,316
KNOCK-KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
935
00:43:06,318 --> 00:43:09,419
THE INTERRUPTING COW.
THE INTERRUPTING--
936
00:43:09,421 --> 00:43:10,920
MOO!
937
00:43:13,325 --> 00:43:15,425
KNOCK-KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
938
00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:17,127
THE INTERRUPTING RABBIT.
939
00:43:17,129 --> 00:43:20,163
THE INTERRUPTING RABBIT WHO?
940
00:43:23,902 --> 00:43:25,835
WHAT NOISE DOES A RABBIT MAKE?
941
00:43:25,837 --> 00:43:29,539
I KNOW THEY SORT OF
TWITCH THEIR NOSES AND...
942
00:43:29,541 --> 00:43:31,541
I WONDER IF I COULD
GET THE CHURCH
943
00:43:31,543 --> 00:43:35,345
TO AGREE TO THE IDEA
OF VERGER CULLING.
944
00:43:36,681 --> 00:43:38,148
( chippering )
61706
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