All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S05E05.HDTV.x264-CROOKS

Previously, on "You Me Her"...

How many times have you taken this test?

42. It lands on "dominatrix"
or "vice principal" every time.

It's not judging you.
You're judging you.

You're a domineering control freak

who takes great joy in
bossing other people around.

You have to plan that woman's wedding.

- I'll plan your wedding.
- What?

- Welcome home, Dave.
- It's nice, right?

- You're my last key.
- We're gonna have so much fun.

- Izzy?
- Leo!

- Hi, Peanut!
- I miss you.

- So, what's the plan?
- Hotel Angelina.

- Top floor, city views.
- Whatever happens, happens.

But what's gonna happen
is a whole lot of sex!

- Okay, that's great.
- Yeah, great.

- It's Izzy.
- "Your babies are precious."

- Do we respond?
- What the actual fucking fuck?

"Do you need to talk"?

Really?

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

To be clear, we're not having sex.

That's not what we're doing here,

so don't get your hopes up.

To be clear, you
weren't actually invited,

but way to set the agenda.

Haven't we all been pretty
clear about all this?

- Whatever we were doing, it's over.
- Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

I'm going back to Otay Mesa on Monday.

- Of course it's over.
- You're here with us why?

Gee, Em, I don't know.

Why did you feel the need to
blurt out not only the hotel

but the floor and
direction you're facing?

Oh, shit, you're... you're
here to see if we still care.

- Oh, my God, get over yourself.
- Oh, well, good, 'cause we don't...

- Nope.
- Care. We don't.

Would you mind going down to
the bar and calling a Lyft?

'Cause we are kind of in
the middle of a date night.

So I also misinterpreted
the weird sex riff

to my dad, no less?

- You weren't trying to make me jealous?
- No.

"No."

Okay.

Where is she? Or he, hmm?

- You said you were inviting company.
- Oh, that reminds me, Iz.

Are you or are you not
sleeping with Nathan?

'Cause it's, like, a little confusing.

Yeah, the... well...

The thing...

- Right.
- it's... What do you mean?

Let's be clear about it, okay?

Have you and Nathan
had sexual intercourse

- since you ran away?
- Or ever.

I don't think that that's
any of your business.

That's a no.

- She didn't nail him.
- God, it's so obvious.

We knew it. Thank you.

- Yeah, thank you.
- So I guess

we can stop with the gamesmanship
and admit that there's...

we're not expecting company.

- Shocking.
- Yeah.

What are we even doing, guys?

- Trying to hurt each other.
- Question is why.

Because we're in the anger stage
of breakup grief, that's why.

And a very wise teenager told me
that the opposite of love isn't

anger or bitterness or
hate, it's actually...

- Apathy.
- It's apathy, yeah. Everyone knows that.

Well, actually, uh...

never mind. Anyway...

has anything that we've done
over the past few days... this...

the lying, the posturing,
the snarky repartee,

this weird fucking showdown...

does any of that scream
"apathy" to you guys?

No.

So...

It's very obvious that we
still care about each other.

We just don't work.

So, um,

it's gonna be really hard
for a really long time.

So I'm gonna go to the bar,

call a Lyft like you said.

Sorry I interrupted.

Bye.

Shit.

- Great. Now she thinks she won.
- At what?

I don't know.

Well, whatever. It's not a competition.

Right. So what should we
do now? Should we just...

- should we run after her?
- Absolutely not.

Right. You're right, honey.

Although, I am, like,

little bit curious about
these stages of breakup grief.

It was really intriguing, right?

Should we...

It's really intriguing,
but it's a little...

You should have her
clarify what she meant.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, here we are.

I can see that.

We asked if you wanted to
talk and you came, so...

Let's talk.

For the record, the
reason I came is because

your text message made we want
to pop off one of your arms

and beat you both to
death with it, so...

Ooh, we're gonna need two
more of those, I think.

Quickly. Thank you.

"Do you need to talk"?

Can you hear how condescending
and shitty that sounds?

And please say yes, 'cause otherwise,

I don't know where we go from here.

Yes.

I guess. Yes.

Man.

We are following the stages of
breakup grief to a fucking tee.

What is that supposed
to mean? Thank you.

Pretending we're fine,
then baiting each other,

and then showing up and
demanding all of our shit...

Actually, you did that.

Proceed.

And then exploding the
fa�ade of fineness.

And then there's the last
one, which we are not doing,

sleeping with your exes.

Why is that rock bottom?

'Cause after the glow fades,
the pain is way fucking worse

because you've just opened
yourself up to it all again.

Okay, so how can we avoid all this?

I mean, is there a good way to break up?

What are the stages of that?

I mean, I guess there's
only one stage: the truth.

Well, here's a truth for you, Iz.

I'm still struggling to understand
what you have to be so angry about.

Or is this just, like,
an even Steven thing?

I mean, did we leave you at the altar

- and literally run for the border?
- No, you didn't.

But wasn't this your
plan the whole time?

Painting me into a
smaller and smaller corner

until running was the only choice I had?

How long did it take you
to come up with that one?

- I think...
- You don't even give me

- the benefit of the doubt.
- I think maybe she has a point.

Just because we didn't
mean to do it, it...

it doesn't mean that we didn't do it.

You couldn't get close to Lucy and Rose

and have them depend on you

and then figure out it
wasn't the life you wanted.

So we did what we needed to do and...

you did what you needed to do.

Did we just put a bow on it?

Feels like a toe tag.

Uh, maybe a little bit of both.

Okay, so here's to... what?

Realizing we did the right thing,

even though it's gonna suck.

Yeah, no, I...

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna toast you guys
choosing your fucktarded plan over me.

I guess that's it.

Hey.

Hey.

I came back for you.

In order to come back,

- you usually have to leave the property, right?
- No,

she means the border.

She's saying she came back
from the border for us.

Oh.

Well, that's different.

They offered me a permanent position,

and I accepted on the spot.

It's the hardest thing
I've ever done, but

I'm really good at it.

I'm making a difference.

I believe that.

Me, too.

I told them I needed
a minute to decompress.

- But really, you needed time to...
- Yeah.

Our life is still here.

And it's not just the plan.

I just created the
wellness center at Griffin.

I c... can't hand it over. Not yet.

And I can't just keep
walking away from jobs.

I know, and my life is down there now.

I'm really good with those kids.

It's made it all more clear
that I want a bunch of my own.

So what now?

Can I stay? Please?

Can we just have one
more night? 'Cause...

I'm not ready to say good-bye.

So,

- we did a thing.
- But not the thing,

so Nina and her breakup
grief can suck it.

So why was it so much more intense?

Yeah, we should hang a sign on the door

that says, "Do Not Disturb Ever."

- Rose and Lucy are out there.
- So is Leo.

Our life here and your life there.

Yeah.

Oh, God, speaking of life
outside these walls...

meeting Lala and Nina
to look at dresses.

You know, even though we
didn't technically do anything,

can we all agree that what
happens at the Angelina

- stays at the Angelina?
- Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, no one would ever understand.

Do you guys understand what we did here,

or why, or what it means?

If it's like the worst
or best idea ever?

'Cause if you do, please, lay it on me.

Well, what if it was just
a more sophisticated version

of sleeping with your ex?

Just wondering whether

stopping short of the line
makes it any less complicated.

Okay, well, here's
what I potentially think

and might possibly understand,

all the while realizing it
could be total bullshit...

Your confidence intrigues.

We shouldn't try and make
sense of it right now.

You know, not yet.

No rush to judgment. Just take a beat.

I like it.

- Yeah.
- Has the general shape of a good idea.

So like Jack says,

what happened at the Angelina
stays at the Angelina.

A vow of silence.

- I vow.
- I vow.

- I vow.
- You fucking did what?

How the hell did you
go from a slumber party

with little brother to
this literal clusterfuck?

Well, I... I think it
started when I texted them.

Ah, another secret? Why are
you people doing this to me?

- Okay, well, maybe I shouldn't.
- No, no. I'm filling in for Carm, right?

And she's your confidant,
so it's part of the job.

Swish.

- Short, short!
- Shit.

You know what you guys are?

You're like the very best
fight on worldstar.com,

where you want to look
away, but you can't.

- Yeah?
- Just viscera...

Flying out of the screen.

You know?

Except for... then you
wake up and you wonder,

"Did I really watch a slow-motion ride

at the lingerie superstore's
closeout sale, or was that a dream?"

That's very specific.

Oh, my God, you did it. You
completed the anger stage.

You slept with your exes
even though nothing's changed.

It was "slept with" in
the most literal sense.

I swear.

But I do think something has changed.

Oh, really? What?

- I don't know.
- Dear God, woman.

Well, I think that I'm gonna hang out

a little bit longer
just to figure it out.

I swear, man, right there and then,

it's like the fog cleared
and the madness made sense.

You know, it was like
everything we'd gone through

had been leading to that exact moment.

- Kudos.
- For what?

For that very vivid
description of the human orgasm.

I liked it.

Seems to be a theme for you today.

- Well, did I not mention my wife left?
- Ah.

Keeping it real, I
find it hard to believe

you three spent the whole night
in the hotel room and didn't...

We didn't.

We did not have sex. That
is to say, no sex was had.

Okay, I know I'm not really Carmen,

but may I speak freely?

- Shoot.
- Oh, cool.

- You three are fucking morons.
- Well, that was super direct.

Borderline brutal.

Well, you're basically
the moron Tabernacle Choir.

Ouch.

Clever, but ouch.

Here's a little game I used
to play with Mira, okay?

I am going to ask you
a one-word question

and you are going to answer really fast

without thinking about it.

You got it? Yeah?

Okay, here goes.

Why?

Answer. Answer now!

- Uh...
- Faster!

Stop doing that. Come
on, you can do this.

It's because whatever else
about it, uh, it didn't work.

We fell in love...
him, me, and her, and...

and even though we
couldn't make it work...

which, you know, we clearly couldn't...

it is never going to stop sucking.

That... that was...

that was pretty good.

- Yeah, I got some game.
- What happens now?

Uh, after the wedding,
Izzy goes to the border.

Back.

- Doesn't sound like a plan.
- Who said we had a plan?

Is this job at the border
even real, or is it a threat?

Like, "Tick-tock,
time's up. What you got?"

Of course it's real, okay?

I'm going back. It's where
I belong. I promised Leo.

Well, then, what the
hell were you three idiots

doing in that hotel room? Like,
an all-night good-bye kiss?

- What's wrong with that?
- Okay, so

you all agreed that
your place is still here

and her place is still there

in spite of the magic cuddle puddle?

Mm-hmm.

Then, Em, no offense,

but I have to repeat it for max impact.

You three are fucking morons.

I think this dress is
way too cool for me.

What makes you say that?

I heard the meanest of
the two mean girls say,

"That dress is way too cool for her."

Yeah, I'm not sure whether
to blame you or the garment,

but it does seem like you
really hate each other.

That's it. I bought a
perfectly good hemp sarong in...

- No.
- No. Um, hey,

Zoe, or Mango, Southwest...
whatever your name is.

That's the one. Uh, first
of all, what's your name?

- Lisa.
- Oh, disappointing.

Um, it's a wedding in the woods,

not a community college
production of "Beetlejuice."

Oh, my God, she is so mean.

- Comes in handy.
- Fine.

That one was for me,

in hopes that you would love
it and I could ridicule you.

- That seems mean.
- I'll go get the real one.

Also, would you like tea?

- Yeah, no.
- Uh, we'll take champagne.

It's before noon, so we have tea.

We'll take champagne.

- See, now you're just wasting my time.
- Ugh.

You are so scary.

#NoTeaNoShades. Is that right?

- Uh, sure.
- No.

- This feels like an empowerment moment.
- Is it?

- If you want it to be. Sure.
- Bring it in,

- bring it in.
- Oh, well...

- Oh.
- All right, okay.

- Watch the feathers.
- Oh, Jesus.

- We should be more encouraging.
- Mm-hmm.

She's growing on me, okay?

- Don't make a big deal about it.
- Fine.

Move your ass! We have a tasting!

- Nina.
- What? I'm encouraging her to hurry up.

- Honestly, though, with the...
- I know.

In... in the woods.

Birds would be like...

What you doing there, Peculiar Spice?

We have stalkers.

Well, not me. Dave and Carmen.

Pretty cool, right?

But seriously. Let them
live their lives, you know?

- Stalkers?
- Yeah, like superfans.

- Possibly paparazzi.
- I... in Portland?

- For... for children's book authors.
- Mm-hmm.

You've been such a lovely
addition to the neighborhood.

Oh, man. Thanks, Will.

You know, I'm seriously
thinking that I'm...

Yeah, like, if I was buying
crazy in the crazy aisle,

you'd be the little
bonus bottle of crazy...

the attached free sample.

- Oh... oh, my God, here they come.
- Oh, boy.

Leave my family in peace!

Damn it.

Is it weird that I secretly love

those pictures of
celebs losing their shit?

Like Britney with the umbrella.
I want one like that, you know?

You know?

- Uh, what was the question?
- Uh, "is it weird"?

Oh, then, yes.

- Oh.
- When you tell Dave, tell him this too.

My buyers are definitely making
an offer on a house today...

this one or another, so...

Lisa, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Don't make me sic Nina on you.

- Wow.
- Really?

- It's perfect.
- Thank you.

- Are you crying?
- No, shut up.

Can you believe it?

Come here.

- That was nice.
- Mm-hmm.

Did I mention your mother
was coming to the wedding?

- I'm sorry?
- No? Oops.

Yeah, no, she's totally in agreement

with the whole closure concept.

Super excited to see Ben
graduate to the rest of his life.

- But now she's quite suddenly un-RSVP'd...
- Oh, thank God.

No, I'm just wondering.

Since it's allegedly
all good between them,

why don't you want Jess
anywhere near the wedding?

This is the part where you
tell me what's going on.

Oh.

- Yes, that's it.
- What?

That's the exact face Ben
makes when I bring up Jess.

What's the problem? This could be
such a lovely leafy palate-cleanser.

Oh, I know, it's just... what a shame.

We'll never know 'cause she
can't make it. That's a bummer.

- Izzy.
- Mm-hmm?

Sweetie.

I know you don't know me that well,

but trust me, you are gonna tell me.

- Now.
- Oh, okay.

Um, it's... the...

It's a thing.

- It's...
- What is it?

Okay, um...

They're addicted to each other,

and also the drugs and alcohol
that they go purchase together.

Say what now?

Basic format. They go for lunch,

and then Ben turns up three days later

looking like Saddam Hussein when
they pulled him out of the hole.

- Holy shit.
- They do good with...

with phones and text messages, but, um,

in proximity, in the same space,

they just go back to
thinking they can be together.

And what if next time
they don't snap out of it?

What if next time they just

merrily drag each other
all the way to hell?

But they've worked it out, you know.

She even helped him find me.

But mostly, they keep Colorado
and Oregon between them.

You're messing with me, right?

Please tell me you're messing with me.

No, this is not a thing.

- People do not get addicted to each other.
- Mm-hmm.

Do they?

I... it haunts me a little less

- that I'm not alone with it.
- Oh, great.

- Where's Nina?
- No clue.

- Something's fishy. She just...
- What?

- Just my
spidey-sense. - Yeah.

No... what... no.

- Your dad didn't say anything about...
- It's real.

It's real,

and it's telling me that there's
some weird shit about to go down.

- What is happening here?
- What do you mean?

Well, it's like, normally,
when we stress out over

complex military maneuvers like this,

but now nobody's crying, not even me.

I guess we're happy.

Hey.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

- What?
- Look.

Ah, there we go.

Nina, what are you doing?

- Oh, hi, Griswolds.
- Why are you hammering

one of Will's "for sale"
signs into our front lawn?

Oh, this? This is the only
way that I'm putting up

with another round
of your edgy bullshit.

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- www.addic7ed.com -