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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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What if you really are
Mr. Right There in Front of Me?
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Previously on You Me Her...
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Hey.
Can I talk to you privately?
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Uhh!
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- Emma, what the fuck is going on?
- I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.
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Fuck you.
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I just want you to know
what I said that night...
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"It's not me, it's you?"
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Yeah. There's nothing wrong with you.
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You are perfectly Nina Martone.
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00:00:34,453 --> 00:00:36,079
I already work insane hours
at Pinnacle,
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00:00:36,163 --> 00:00:38,623
and if I make partner,
it's gonna be even worse, so...
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I was assuming you were coming
home, not coming to get us.
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My rate is $40 an hour,
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minimum five hours per day,
five days per week.
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00:00:45,505 --> 00:00:47,424
- We can start looking at daycares.
- Thank you.
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00:00:47,507 --> 00:00:49,342
- Fuck!
- What?
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00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,636
[sighs] I forgot about my meeting
with Sasha and her grandma.
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00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:54,014
It is only a matter of time
before those two
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gravitate back
to the world that they know.
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00:00:56,183 --> 00:00:58,560
How long are you gonna live their life
instead of your own?
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00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:01,021
Hey, the Wilbergs are putting
their place on the market.
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00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,565
- [Carmen] You wanna check it out?
- What's the harm in that?
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00:01:03,648 --> 00:01:06,151
- Are you looking for the party?
- I'm looking for my girlfriend.
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00:01:06,276 --> 00:01:07,736
[Jack] God, I love that house.
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[Dave] What's not to love?
I'd move there.
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Well, fuck.
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How long do you think
they can keep this up?
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I hate that I still find
this shit show so damn riveting.
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I've surrendered to the shame.
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I want to walk away,
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but my body is just
not listening to my brain.
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Well, here they are, the Trakarskys,
back on the block.
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- No, I-I wouldn't...
- No, no, no. We're not back on the block.
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We were just next door, visiting...
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So I didn't just catch you guys
house shopping?
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[Emma] What? No!
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00:01:49,361 --> 00:01:51,947
You're gonna laugh
'cause this is a real, like, uh...
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- Funny story.
- ...you know, Hawthorne Heights story.
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We were at Helen Wilberg's house.
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Turns out she's a virtuoso baker...
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- [chuckles]
- Uh, yeah.
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...who is opening her own shop,
and wanted us...
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- ...to try her... cupcakes.
- We test them.
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- Remember?
- Yes.
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- Yes.
- Yes, I remember.
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00:02:06,878 --> 00:02:08,171
It just happened,
of course you remember.
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00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,173
And it was...
They were delicious, right?
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- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Tell her. I mean, they were like... Mwah.
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They were...
It's hard to explain.
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- Are you kidding?
- Props for the weird specificity
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and going all in with the "mwah."
But you lie just as bad as your ex.
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Sometimes they're so bad at lying,
it's adorable.
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Other times, not so much.
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- No, seriously, they were delicious.
- Really...
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Highly inventive use of the, uh,
cranberry and the Brandy.
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- I was gonna mention that, yes.
- Brandy.
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And... Well! Look at...
Oh, my God!
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- They're selling the house.
- Babe. Babe. Just...
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Why didn't Helen mention that to us
when she was baking the cupcakes?
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Just let it go. Let it go.
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So it's official.
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[Kylie] Greg Kinnear's weird little
brother knocks you up, and I'm history?
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Okay, that is offensive...
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and flattering.
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Kylie, I... I don't know where to start.
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I'd recommend starting like this:
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"My name is Emma,
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and I'm a tourist lesbian asshole
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who just wasted
five months of your life."
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- Kylie, we created the most...
- [whispers] Shaun, come on.
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...amazing life together and it really
almost felt like it could be real.
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But if I'm completely honest
with myself,
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I am in love with these two.
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- I really hope...
- Oh, stop. Please, just stop.
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Way deep down, I knew that
you were just dragging me through
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your elaborate mental breakdown.
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00:03:24,331 --> 00:03:25,749
Kylie, you're right.
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And I'm really sorry.
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I didn't just come here
to fight for you, Em.
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You becoming managing partner
just stopped being
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a "someday" kinda thing, babe.
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Carlin's announcing
his retirement and his successor
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sooner than expected.
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- Like how much sooner?
- Like Tuesday.
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Only way you don't get it
is if you're not there.
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I have no clue why,
but I don't wanna see that happen.
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Whoops!
[chuckles]
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00:03:56,863 --> 00:03:59,366
Things just got a little more
complicated, huh?
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00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,378
So... Andy.
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00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,923
- Yep. He's back.
- Crazy.
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- Bananas.
- All the... fruits.
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00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,970
[soft rock song playing]
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Are you gonna keep seeing him? Or...
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I-I-I don't know.
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Well, he did go crazy over me.
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[Shaun scoffs]
I mean, he got drunk
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and then he moved to the woods
for a couple weeks.
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I could go way crazier than that.
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Certifiable, you know.
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I'm not an idiot, Nin. I mean, I...
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I know I'm not your dream guy.
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That's not true.
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Actually, I had a sex dream about you.
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- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.
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Oh, well... do tell.
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All I remember is, um,
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waking up screaming in a cold sweat.
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00:05:02,262 --> 00:05:03,972
Yeah, that's called a nightmare.
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00:05:04,055 --> 00:05:06,808
- Oh, right. Sorry.
- Yeah... [mutters]
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00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,021
Whenever I'm with you,
I always end up smiling.
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And...
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I'm... I'm starting to think
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00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:21,656
that maybe that's more
important than it sounds.
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That being said, I need a minute.
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Oh. Totally. I understand.
Yeah, that... that's fair.
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- 59...
- [sighs]
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58...
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57...
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56...
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[lid clatters]
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[dish thuds]
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Shall we sum up?
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Uh, could I have some coffee first?
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00:06:04,741 --> 00:06:05,909
Okay.
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00:06:05,992 --> 00:06:08,912
So Emma left us
to start a new life in Seattle,
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00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,498
came back, and the three of us had...
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00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:15,752
objectively transcendent sex.
Would you agree?
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00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,921
- Yes, it was very nice sex.
- Agreed.
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00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:21,591
And then she left again.
Would you like some strawberries?
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Yes, please.
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00:06:23,510 --> 00:06:26,971
Six weeks later, she finds out
she's miraculously pregnant,
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00:06:27,472 --> 00:06:31,601
comes all the way back to Seattle
on the midnight train,
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00:06:31,726 --> 00:06:34,312
and then has an epiphany
that she still loves us
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00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,148
and does indeed want to have a baby.
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00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:39,943
Okay, just to be clear,
I'm the prick in this story?
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- Just this chapter. Seems to rotate.
- Oh.
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00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:44,906
And then I catch the two of you,
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00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:47,784
blissful and beaming
after checking out a house
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00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:50,203
that is so quintessentially
Hawthorne Heights,
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00:06:50,328 --> 00:06:54,207
it somehow smells like pumpkin spice
from the fuckin' street.
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00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,458
Iz, what's your point?
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Here it comes.
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00:06:58,044 --> 00:06:58,962
Look at me...
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00:06:59,754 --> 00:07:00,964
in the eye.
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00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:05,343
Have you already made up your mind
about raising that baby in this loft?
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Me?
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00:07:07,637 --> 00:07:08,763
Yeah, you.
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00:07:11,683 --> 00:07:15,353
For the record, I never
voted yes on this place, so...
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00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:16,604
So you hate it?
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00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:19,899
No, I love it. Are you kidding me?
I've always dreamt of living in a...
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00:07:19,983 --> 00:07:22,694
- industrial loft like this.
- Really?
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00:07:22,777 --> 00:07:25,613
Yeah, and then I got pregnant
and realized there was no way in hell
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this brick racquetball court
makes any sense for a baby.
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[scoffs]
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00:07:32,704 --> 00:07:34,581
I mean, fuck, you're right.
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00:07:34,873 --> 00:07:36,583
We'd have to learn sign language
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00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:39,085
just to have a conversation
while the gnocchi's sleeping.
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00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:40,545
Here's the thing. If we just...
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00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:42,964
If you just gave the Wilberg house
a chance,
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00:07:43,089 --> 00:07:45,466
if you saw the inside of it,
it's, like, it's pretty...
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00:07:45,592 --> 00:07:48,428
Look, guys, there's no denying
this is complicated,
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00:07:48,553 --> 00:07:50,847
but we'll figure it out, okay?
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00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:53,474
Together. We'll figure it out together.
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00:07:53,558 --> 00:07:55,143
- Whatever. Fine.
- Like everything else.
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00:07:55,226 --> 00:07:56,561
- Okay?
- Okay?
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00:07:56,686 --> 00:07:58,563
- Bring it in.
- [laughs]
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00:07:58,646 --> 00:07:59,606
- [kisses]
- Okay.
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00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:03,568
- Get your big Trakarsky lips off my face.
- [cellphone chimes, beeps]
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00:08:04,152 --> 00:08:05,695
What is it?
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- [cellphone thuds]
- Just my dad.
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00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,574
[Emma] And...
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00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:14,537
He keeps trying to give me the boots
175
00:08:14,621 --> 00:08:17,415
he doesn't remember giving me
for my 17th birthday.
176
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,584
Seems like it really means
something to him.
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00:08:20,168 --> 00:08:21,419
They were Wittner.
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00:08:23,922 --> 00:08:26,716
- Probably super fucking fly, right?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:28,051
Okay. [sighs]
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00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:31,429
I'll go talk to him.
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00:08:33,014 --> 00:08:34,766
Enjoy your breakfast.
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00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,647
- Bye, babes.
- Bye.
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00:08:42,273 --> 00:08:45,401
[front door opens, closes]
184
00:08:45,485 --> 00:08:47,236
You know what sounds good?
185
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,530
A pineapple and salmon pizza.
186
00:08:49,614 --> 00:08:51,407
- Ugh.
- Mm-hmm.
187
00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:53,451
- For breakfast?
- Mm-hmm.
188
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:58,456
We really are pregnant, Em.
189
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,417
Yes, we are.
190
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:07,340
♪ So let's take tonight ♪
191
00:09:10,009 --> 00:09:12,428
♪ Ooh, my little one ♪
192
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:15,807
[Lily coos]
193
00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:16,975
Hey! There you are!
194
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,478
Our young girls are off
to first day of daycare.
195
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,438
And it's all good.
It's... it's no big deal.
196
00:09:22,522 --> 00:09:24,899
- It's... it's totally fine.
- Are you sure?
197
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,943
Aren't these little backpacks adorable?
198
00:09:27,026 --> 00:09:28,903
They make these teensy, tiny,
little backpacks
199
00:09:28,987 --> 00:09:31,447
to give to parents who rush
their teensy, tiny kids
200
00:09:31,531 --> 00:09:33,408
off to... the care of complete strangers.
201
00:09:33,866 --> 00:09:34,909
Carmen.
202
00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:37,078
It just seems like yesterday that we were
203
00:09:37,161 --> 00:09:39,706
finally wiping the last
of the baby goop off of Lily.
204
00:09:39,831 --> 00:09:42,125
And Callie... I mean,
she says the F word
205
00:09:42,208 --> 00:09:45,128
better and more frequently
than either of us. And they're just...
206
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,715
...super weird in their...
[exhales]
207
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:51,843
...amazing incredible ways that nobody
else could possibly understand.
208
00:09:51,926 --> 00:09:54,721
And I thought that you were dropping
them off. Why are you wearing pajamas?
209
00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:57,640
I was just lying down upstairs,
having a little think...
210
00:09:57,724 --> 00:10:01,561
Oh, Jesus, you were upstairs masturbating
while I'm down here losing my shit?
211
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:04,939
No, I was literally in bed,
having a think this time.
212
00:10:05,064 --> 00:10:06,482
About?
213
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:08,943
Well, my boss certainly didn't
seem supportive when I said
214
00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:11,195
I wanted to take a month off
to write a children's book.
215
00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:13,656
I didn't know you wanted
to write a children's book.
216
00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:16,826
I don't. I can barely stand to read them,
but that's kind of the point.
217
00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,495
You know, I don't wanna be thinking
that I should've done more.
218
00:10:19,579 --> 00:10:22,165
- I heard that's a thing.
- No, Dave...
219
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,417
you couldn't be a better father,
trust me.
220
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:28,004
Yeah, but I could be a father more,
and that's what I want.
221
00:10:28,463 --> 00:10:31,549
So while I was upstairs not masturbating,
222
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:34,844
I called work and I said I'm either
taking a month off or I'm quitting.
223
00:10:35,428 --> 00:10:37,013
- And?
- Well...
224
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:40,558
Looks like I'll be spending
a month's sabbatical
225
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,728
diligently not writing
a children's book.
226
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,189
And then what?
227
00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,565
I don't know.
228
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:50,985
And that's surprisingly exciting.
229
00:10:51,486 --> 00:10:52,904
[kids cooing and giggling]
230
00:10:53,446 --> 00:10:56,824
Whenever I think I know
all there is to know about you,
231
00:10:56,908 --> 00:10:58,201
you show me more.
232
00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:01,579
And I love it all.
233
00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:03,331
[Callie giggling]
234
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:05,583
I realize I could've cleaned
myself up a little bit
235
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,877
before I came down here
to tell you this exciting news.
236
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,670
But, um, I'm definitely...
237
00:11:09,754 --> 00:11:10,922
I've got sleep crusties, for sure.
238
00:11:11,005 --> 00:11:12,965
I mean, I'm in my jimjams,
for Pete's sake.
239
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:16,010
♪ Oh, airborne eyes ♪
240
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:17,970
[Callie] Fuck!
241
00:11:18,054 --> 00:11:20,598
♪ Yeah, will see black storms ♪
242
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,976
- Yeah, that's much worse in this context.
- I didn't hear anything.
243
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,728
Yeah, I think it was the wind.
244
00:11:25,812 --> 00:11:27,063
[Callie giggling]
245
00:11:27,146 --> 00:11:28,815
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
246
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,280
[seabirds calling]
247
00:11:36,364 --> 00:11:39,200
[paper crinkling]
248
00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:44,455
- If you don't like the color or...
- They're perfect.
249
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,250
They're just boots.
250
00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:54,048
Happy birthday, Peanut.
251
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,269
What is it?
252
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:13,276
Emma's about to get a huge promotion
at her firm in Seattle.
253
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:17,071
It's, like, her dream job.
The money's crazy.
254
00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:22,076
And we just got back together,
but she has to consider it, right?
255
00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:28,624
It's fine. Go... go ahead.
256
00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:33,296
Well, you're right.
She does have to consider it.
257
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:35,381
And she will.
258
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,801
And they'll invite you
to Seattle to live in their house
259
00:12:38,885 --> 00:12:42,513
with their baby
and keep living their life.
260
00:12:44,891 --> 00:12:46,851
[birds calling]
261
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,895
Any advice or...
262
00:12:50,396 --> 00:12:51,898
Say no.
263
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,902
They're not gonna do it, Iz.
264
00:12:56,694 --> 00:12:58,029
This is on you.
265
00:13:00,156 --> 00:13:01,699
But I have a confession.
266
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:04,285
Oh, God.
267
00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:06,996
What else did you do during
your 10-year lost weekend?
268
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:08,539
[laughs]
269
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:11,959
I have a line on a good job
here in Portland,
270
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:14,670
so, uh...
271
00:13:14,754 --> 00:13:18,925
I'm not entirely impartial
about where you live.
272
00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:27,516
[paper crinkles]
273
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,727
[sighs]
274
00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:32,730
I get it.
275
00:13:33,439 --> 00:13:34,941
Change is scary.
276
00:13:36,609 --> 00:13:39,278
I mean, this is new for all of us,
right? Myself included.
277
00:13:39,362 --> 00:13:42,865
I mean, stakes are gonna be
part of the process.
278
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:46,661
I shouldn't have raised my voice.
I shouldn't have yelled.
279
00:13:46,744 --> 00:13:49,580
That is a sign of weakness
and not a sign of strength.
280
00:13:50,915 --> 00:13:52,792
I can't demand your respect.
281
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:56,420
I have to earn it
with calm and confidence.
282
00:13:57,797 --> 00:14:00,132
Also, if you could refrain
from throwing food in Daddy's hair,
283
00:14:00,216 --> 00:14:01,717
that would be really nice,
284
00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:05,513
because a bit of that went in my eye,
and that is a legitimate safety hazard.
285
00:14:05,638 --> 00:14:08,224
Daddy's head is made of poop.
286
00:14:08,349 --> 00:14:10,393
What? Uh, no.
287
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,436
No, for... for Lily's sake, honey,
288
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:16,941
Daddy's head is made of skull and bone
and hair and teeth, right?
289
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,819
- Not poop. There's no poop.
- [Callie] Poop!
290
00:14:19,944 --> 00:14:21,696
- [giggling]
- Say my head's not made of poop!
291
00:14:21,779 --> 00:14:24,281
Say my head's not made of poop!
Say it! Say it! Say it!
292
00:14:31,414 --> 00:14:33,958
[Hannah speaks indistinctly]
293
00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:38,754
[indistinct chatter, door closes]
294
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,131
[through clenched teeth]
People are here.
295
00:14:40,214 --> 00:14:41,716
- Wasn't expecting people yet.
- Me neither.
296
00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:43,551
They're looking at us.
What do we do now?
297
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:45,386
Be calm and be confident.
298
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:46,929
Cool. And how do we fake that?
299
00:14:47,013 --> 00:14:48,806
Uh, talk low, make 'em strain to listen.
300
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:52,143
[lowered voice] Cool.
So I appreciate you all coming here
301
00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:54,770
- on this first day, and...
- Maybe not.
302
00:14:54,854 --> 00:14:58,733
Good morning, everyone! Welcome
to your first day at The Heights!
303
00:14:58,816 --> 00:15:00,776
Hi! I'm, uh...
304
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,737
- Carmen.
- Right. Carmen.
305
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:06,449
Weird, 'cause it's been my name
since I was born.
306
00:15:06,574 --> 00:15:08,951
Anyway, I'm really looking
forward to meeting each of you.
307
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,454
But first, I have to avail...
308
00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:13,748
[imitates British accent]
myself of the facilities, as it were.
309
00:15:13,831 --> 00:15:14,874
[normal voice] I...
310
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,461
Oh, I-I have to pee.
311
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,255
Uh...
312
00:15:22,757 --> 00:15:24,175
As do I.
313
00:15:24,258 --> 00:15:26,052
So... just...
314
00:15:26,719 --> 00:15:29,013
- Um...
- [chatter resumes]
315
00:15:30,264 --> 00:15:31,474
[sighs]
316
00:15:32,683 --> 00:15:34,602
What do you need?
Uh, do you want some water?
317
00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:37,563
You want me to slap you in the face,
like they do in the movies?
318
00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:40,191
If you don't say "no" by the time
I count to five, I'm just gonna give you
319
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:41,984
- a good, hard slap.
- Fuck was I thinking?!
320
00:15:42,068 --> 00:15:44,945
I have no clue how to operate
a fucking magazine
321
00:15:45,029 --> 00:15:48,240
or let alone supervise anybody
over three feet tall.
322
00:15:48,324 --> 00:15:51,285
Okay, give me your phone.
Your phone.
323
00:15:54,622 --> 00:15:56,707
[touchscreen clicking]
324
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,544
[line rings]
325
00:16:02,088 --> 00:16:03,464
Darling, what's up?
326
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:05,299
Oh, there's just a lot
of people out there.
327
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:08,302
Dave, Dave, I... I did the accent.
328
00:16:09,387 --> 00:16:12,306
What do you mean?
The... the not-quite British voice?
329
00:16:12,515 --> 00:16:14,475
Oh, for the love of God! Why?
330
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,436
Because I was losing my shit.
And now I'm hiding in the bathroom!
331
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,271
It's not an awesome start, Dave.
It's not awesome!
332
00:16:19,897 --> 00:16:21,690
You're my Wonder Woman.
333
00:16:21,774 --> 00:16:23,818
You got this. Say it back.
334
00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:27,071
I'm your Wonder Woman. I got this.
335
00:16:27,196 --> 00:16:30,032
While I have you on the phone,
do you have any tips for Callie?
336
00:16:30,116 --> 00:16:32,535
She's formidable, and tickling
is no longer doing the trick.
337
00:16:32,618 --> 00:16:36,038
Uh, yes. She thinks there's a monster
prevention device in the closet
338
00:16:36,122 --> 00:16:37,915
that only adults can operate.
339
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,125
- Perfect.
- Uh, David?
340
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,209
Yes, Wonder Woman?
341
00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:44,088
You're my Wonder Woman.
I really love you.
342
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:45,798
- Okay, that's enough.
- I love you, too, honey.
343
00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:47,633
- [line disconnects]
- Hey, when you come home tonight,
344
00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,051
why don't you, uh... Hello? Hello?
345
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:53,139
I wish I had one of those.
346
00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:00,646
Oh.
[chuckles]
347
00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:04,191
Ahh. Not bad.
348
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:15,661
[door closes]
349
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,538
I'll have to call you back.
350
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,915
A depressed Muppet
just flopped into my office.
351
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:21,167
That's accurate.
352
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:23,711
Got any new chapters for me?
353
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,172
Nope.
354
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,719
Might I recommend one
355
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:35,556
about unicorns that lose
themselves in the throuple
356
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,600
and completely neglect
their own lives?
357
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:45,191
[sighs] I spoke to Meredith
at Directions.
358
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,402
They're interested in offering you
a counseling job.
359
00:17:49,904 --> 00:17:51,447
Seriously?
360
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:52,406
Yeah.
361
00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:56,535
But they have some questions
about your... reliability.
362
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:01,707
What are you doing, kid?
363
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:08,839
♪ The devil,
he sang his favorite song ♪
364
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,259
♪ On my shoulder ♪
365
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:17,431
♪ Carpe diem,
remember you're young ♪
366
00:18:17,556 --> 00:18:19,517
♪ Live in the moment ♪
367
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,103
- ♪ Come on, rock 'n roll ♪
- [door closes]
368
00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:25,523
♪ He'll never know ♪
369
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:28,275
♪ And you'll pick up
the pieces tomorrow ♪
370
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,945
[Jack] Izzy. Hey, you.
371
00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:32,863
Were you guys gonna leave a note?
372
00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:36,534
We're leaving for Seattle
tomorrow at oh-dark thirty.
373
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,285
[chuckles]
374
00:18:38,369 --> 00:18:40,746
I guess Spidey Sense does
skip a generation.
375
00:18:41,789 --> 00:18:43,666
- What?
- Nothing.
376
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,670
- We packed you a bag.
- Yeah.
377
00:18:48,254 --> 00:18:51,465
I've got the biggest decision
of my life to make tomorrow.
378
00:18:51,549 --> 00:18:53,259
But, you know,
it's not just mine to make.
379
00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:54,969
It's all of ours, the three of us.
380
00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:58,222
And... I really want you guys
there with me.
381
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,066
[bag thuds]
382
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:12,069
Jack...
383
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,655
Emma...
384
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,783
I've already made my decision.
385
00:19:19,076 --> 00:19:20,202
What does that mean?
386
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,496
I can't just leave my life.
387
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:29,295
Assuming I can convince Meredith
I'm not a flake,
388
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:34,383
I'm getting a full-time
paying job at Directions.
389
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:37,678
That's great.
390
00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:39,513
Yeah, congratulations.
391
00:19:39,597 --> 00:19:42,516
My best friend is here,
and my dad is looking for a job here.
392
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,310
This is my home.
393
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,937
This is my life.
394
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:52,985
Well, if you're not going,
we're not going.
395
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:54,236
- Right.
- So...
396
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,947
No, Em, you have to consider it.
397
00:19:57,406 --> 00:19:59,158
You know I'm right.
398
00:20:00,159 --> 00:20:02,620
I want you guys to go to Seattle.
399
00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:07,249
Think about it, talk about it,
give it a real chance.
400
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,877
And I'm gonna be here
when you get back.
401
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,837
So whatever you decide,
402
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,340
I'm not gonna be angry
and I'm not gonna be bitter.
403
00:20:17,635 --> 00:20:18,969
Okay?
404
00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:26,143
[Andy] Doesn't get
any better than this.
405
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,395
- Mm, got that right.
- [knock on door]
406
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,606
[sighs]
407
00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:37,738
[laughs]
408
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:39,239
What the hell?
409
00:20:41,450 --> 00:20:43,952
Okay, hey, remember that part
where I said I need a minute?
410
00:20:44,078 --> 00:20:45,496
Oh, you think...
No, you see,
411
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:47,373
I'm not What's-His-Name,
the shitty bartender.
412
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,291
[chuckles] No.
I'm, uh...
413
00:20:49,875 --> 00:20:52,961
I'm What's-His-Name,
the shitty delivery guy. So...
414
00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:54,088
[chuckles]
415
00:20:54,171 --> 00:20:57,758
Wow. Those are... [chuckles]
so beautifully unarranged.
416
00:20:57,841 --> 00:21:00,594
Yeah. You know,
it's kind of our thing.
417
00:21:00,678 --> 00:21:02,721
Our niche, if you will.
418
00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:05,182
I think we're earthy and wild.
419
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,726
- [Andy] Doesn't get any better than this.
- What the hell?
420
00:21:07,810 --> 00:21:09,103
Hey, look, uh...
421
00:21:09,186 --> 00:21:11,313
You can "take a minute" from me
but not from him?
422
00:21:11,397 --> 00:21:13,148
No, he's not here. It's... uh...
423
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:16,902
that.
424
00:21:19,113 --> 00:21:21,740
- Seriously? Both of you?
- What the hell is he doing here?
425
00:21:21,824 --> 00:21:23,826
You told me to take a beat but not him?
426
00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:26,620
She told you she needs "a beat"?
Told me she needs "a minute."
427
00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:30,124
- Mm.
- For what? To choose?
428
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,917
Like, what is this, a competition?
429
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,586
Uh, no. Not like a...
like a dance-off or something.
430
00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:35,629
But... [chuckles]
431
00:21:35,713 --> 00:21:37,798
Hey, now that I said the word
"dance-off" out loud,
432
00:21:37,881 --> 00:21:40,342
let's not entirely discount it, right?
433
00:21:40,426 --> 00:21:41,844
Sounds hilarious.
434
00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:43,220
[laughs]
435
00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:45,639
Come on!
436
00:21:46,098 --> 00:21:47,850
Fine. Whatever. No dance-off.
437
00:21:49,852 --> 00:21:50,936
Those are flowers?
438
00:21:51,061 --> 00:21:52,312
[bottles clinking,
refrigerator door closes]
439
00:21:55,691 --> 00:22:00,070
Two suitors remain,
but I hold just a single beer.
440
00:22:00,946 --> 00:22:03,365
Like The Bachelorette?
441
00:22:03,449 --> 00:22:05,617
Oh, I don't hate it.
I should, but I don't.
442
00:22:05,701 --> 00:22:07,161
I'm in.
443
00:22:07,244 --> 00:22:08,579
- [laughs] Just kidding.
- [bottle cap fizzes]
444
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:09,747
Beer's for me.
445
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,084
Okay, look, here's the deal...
446
00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:17,087
we're gonna meet back here tomorrow,
and I'll reveal my choice.
447
00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:19,923
Your choice?
After what this little shit did to you?
448
00:22:20,048 --> 00:22:22,176
Are you seriously telling me
I'm in a neck-and-neck
449
00:22:22,259 --> 00:22:23,844
with fucking Shaun
the fucking bartender?
450
00:22:25,471 --> 00:22:26,805
No offense, man.
451
00:22:26,889 --> 00:22:29,224
Well, there's no conceivable way
to take that as inoffensive.
452
00:22:29,308 --> 00:22:30,601
Well, competition makes me chippy.
453
00:22:30,684 --> 00:22:33,896
For tomorrow, feel free to flake.
It'll make the decision for me, you know.
454
00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:36,482
[beer sloshes]
455
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,196
I'll be here. I'm not gonna flake.
456
00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:45,949
Thank you.
You can just leave them as well.
457
00:22:47,993 --> 00:22:49,870
You're power trippin', girlfriend.
458
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:51,788
Ooh, not your girlfriend.
459
00:22:51,914 --> 00:22:53,415
See you if I see you, Andrew.
460
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:56,502
[snaps fingers]
Mm.
461
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,190
We want you to come with us.
You know that, right?
462
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:19,733
I do.
463
00:23:20,108 --> 00:23:21,735
Will you do us a favor?
464
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:23,445
Name it.
465
00:23:23,529 --> 00:23:26,740
If it's awesome, if it's perfect...
466
00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:31,703
do you promise you'll think about it?
467
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,623
You know, I read an article recently
468
00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:37,751
that nearly half of Seattle's
population is runaway teens.
469
00:23:38,627 --> 00:23:41,755
- Really?
- Yeah. Strange but true.
470
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,342
Just go.
471
00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:48,345
I'll keep it in mind.
472
00:23:53,350 --> 00:23:54,560
Wait, wait.
473
00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:58,438
Bye, Eji.
474
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:21,295
Izzy?
475
00:24:32,871 --> 00:24:37,871
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