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subtitle by peritta - corrected by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com
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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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- So, this is happening.
- Listen to me.
4
00:00:13,744 --> 00:00:16,592
I just finished telling someone
that I was the complication.
5
00:00:16,594 --> 00:00:18,373
- What someone?
- Ruby.
6
00:00:18,375 --> 00:00:21,042
- Fuck this.
- [Door slams]
7
00:00:21,044 --> 00:00:22,422
- [Knock on door]
- Izzy: Jack left,
8
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,159
and you said he never leaves.
9
00:00:24,161 --> 00:00:26,294
- Clomid time.
- You must really want a kid.
10
00:00:26,296 --> 00:00:27,884
Jack: Maybe I can thank you for real
11
00:00:27,886 --> 00:00:29,501
by taking you out to
dinner tomorrow night.
12
00:00:29,502 --> 00:00:31,445
I have no fucking clue
13
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:33,304
what I want sexually
14
00:00:33,306 --> 00:00:34,573
or reproductively.
15
00:00:34,574 --> 00:00:37,089
- I'm falling for you.
- I have to get to class.
16
00:00:37,409 --> 00:00:39,822
I'm scared shitless. I can't sleep.
17
00:00:39,824 --> 00:00:41,514
Do you really think
that I'm rebound girl?
18
00:00:41,713 --> 00:00:44,066
Well, define rebound.
19
00:00:44,068 --> 00:00:46,861
Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover
20
00:00:46,863 --> 00:00:48,503
and find out the appropriate attire
21
00:00:48,505 --> 00:00:49,805
for this cleansing ceremony?
22
00:00:49,807 --> 00:00:51,305
Okay, fine... Mom.
23
00:00:51,307 --> 00:00:53,818
You do realize that you can't just
say "Weird Janis and her lover."
24
00:00:53,819 --> 00:00:55,982
Oh, it's some freaky
chick at his agency.
25
00:00:55,984 --> 00:00:58,073
Let me be excruciatingly clear.
26
00:00:58,227 --> 00:00:59,592
If you tell Lori about this,
27
00:00:59,594 --> 00:01:01,456
- I will...
- You'll break my legs?
28
00:01:01,458 --> 00:01:02,697
This'll make you feel better.
29
00:01:02,699 --> 00:01:05,309
Jack has a big, romantic dinner
30
00:01:05,311 --> 00:01:07,070
with an ex-girlfriend tonight?
31
00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:08,277
If you go on this date tonight
32
00:01:08,279 --> 00:01:10,731
instead of going to help Emma
survive the next two days,
33
00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,660
when she knows that I
came here to get you,
34
00:01:12,662 --> 00:01:13,787
there's no turning back.
35
00:01:13,789 --> 00:01:15,414
I know who he's with.
36
00:01:15,415 --> 00:01:16,482
Ruby.
37
00:01:30,630 --> 00:01:33,827
[Doorbell rings]
38
00:01:34,682 --> 00:01:35,998
Do you think it's Jack?
39
00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:37,569
He has a key.
40
00:01:37,570 --> 00:01:39,172
Right.
41
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,393
Oh, God.
42
00:01:43,017 --> 00:01:45,071
- What?
- My parents could be early.
43
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,917
Well, you're gonna have to
answer the door at some point, Em.
44
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,947
We can do this.
45
00:01:53,307 --> 00:01:54,864
Yeah.
46
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:57,188
Oh, what? You want me to hide?
47
00:01:59,225 --> 00:02:01,092
- [Doorbell rings]
- You want me to hide?
48
00:02:01,093 --> 00:02:02,766
Not so much hide. Just...
49
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,683
... don't be seen.
50
00:02:04,894 --> 00:02:06,095
Like, stay up here.
51
00:02:06,165 --> 00:02:08,138
Sure. Awesome.
52
00:02:10,169 --> 00:02:11,697
Bring me some leftovers.
53
00:02:12,171 --> 00:02:14,039
[Ringing continues]
54
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,641
[Sighs]
55
00:02:17,243 --> 00:02:19,110
Don't forget about me.
56
00:02:19,111 --> 00:02:20,846
Coming!
57
00:02:35,261 --> 00:02:36,862
Lose your key?
58
00:02:38,064 --> 00:02:39,665
Can I come in?
59
00:02:40,557 --> 00:02:43,402
Shit, yeah. Come on in. It's, uh...
60
00:02:43,908 --> 00:02:45,916
You don't need an invitation.
61
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:51,563
So, uh...
62
00:02:59,081 --> 00:03:00,950
Did you really have a date?
63
00:03:02,814 --> 00:03:04,195
It wasn't a date.
64
00:03:04,397 --> 00:03:05,992
What was it?
65
00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:10,769
Something I decided not to do.
66
00:03:10,771 --> 00:03:12,687
[Scoffs]
67
00:03:12,689 --> 00:03:14,867
Well, I guess I should
be grateful, right?
68
00:03:14,869 --> 00:03:17,143
- I mean, at least you didn't...
- I love you.
69
00:03:23,658 --> 00:03:25,126
I love you.
70
00:03:26,946 --> 00:03:28,380
[Footsteps approaching]
71
00:03:28,514 --> 00:03:30,618
Yay! The other dickhead is back!
72
00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,489
[Chuckles]
73
00:03:37,594 --> 00:03:39,012
I could've done that, you know,
74
00:03:39,014 --> 00:03:41,151
'cause I am like a
motherfucking yoga ninja.
75
00:03:41,153 --> 00:03:43,155
[All chuckle]
76
00:03:43,462 --> 00:03:45,330
I don't know how other throuples do it
77
00:03:45,331 --> 00:03:46,837
without one of them always feeling
78
00:03:46,839 --> 00:03:48,975
like they were the odd human out.
79
00:03:49,335 --> 00:03:52,537
Is there a support group
for polyamory somewhere?
80
00:03:52,538 --> 00:03:54,591
Please, there's a support
group for dandruff sufferers.
81
00:03:54,592 --> 00:03:56,008
Did I hear that right?
82
00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:57,889
You wanna work this out?
83
00:04:00,546 --> 00:04:02,704
I should've come and gotten you.
84
00:04:03,213 --> 00:04:04,681
I never should've left.
85
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,148
Emma's made me give up
everything worth living for.
86
00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:10,722
Uh, she means toxic levels
of booze, weed, and pizza.
87
00:04:10,724 --> 00:04:13,296
She's making me drink
this disgusting potion
88
00:04:13,298 --> 00:04:14,815
that's supposed to, like,
89
00:04:14,817 --> 00:04:16,615
cut the pot out of your fat cells,
90
00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:18,102
but, really, all it's
doing is just, like,
91
00:04:18,103 --> 00:04:20,105
destroying my entire digestive system.
92
00:04:20,145 --> 00:04:21,806
Oh, cry me a river
93
00:04:21,808 --> 00:04:24,521
with your brave and
harrowing cleanse journey.
94
00:04:24,523 --> 00:04:26,391
I...
95
00:04:26,393 --> 00:04:27,728
[Sighs]
96
00:04:28,046 --> 00:04:30,715
I die a little every second I'm at work.
97
00:04:31,222 --> 00:04:32,690
And with rent this high,
98
00:04:32,692 --> 00:04:34,376
I'm gonna have to
start my firm in a yurt,
99
00:04:34,378 --> 00:04:35,580
so I win.
100
00:04:35,681 --> 00:04:37,381
[Laughter]
101
00:04:37,728 --> 00:04:39,880
Guess we're all caught up now.
102
00:04:39,882 --> 00:04:40,926
Yeah.
103
00:04:41,627 --> 00:04:42,962
Um...
104
00:04:43,356 --> 00:04:45,158
except for Seattle?
105
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:48,954
Is that a thing, Em?
106
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,961
Yeah. Is it?
107
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,855
No.
108
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,202
Not anymore.
109
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,190
How about we, uh,
110
00:04:58,199 --> 00:05:00,671
keep working on that
whole "fuck it out" thing?
111
00:05:00,673 --> 00:05:03,343
Yeah, "fucking it out" is a versatile
112
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:06,077
and indispensable relationship salve.
113
00:05:06,078 --> 00:05:09,949
[♪]
114
00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:15,420
♪ There's no one that I love ♪
115
00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:18,623
♪ More than you ♪
116
00:05:18,624 --> 00:05:22,094
- ♪ And I'm still running wild ♪
- [Laughs]
117
00:05:24,363 --> 00:05:27,592
Jack: So, when does the Seaver
RV come and crash the party?
118
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,308
Oh, shit.
119
00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:32,375
Oh, there's so much to do.
120
00:05:33,136 --> 00:05:35,530
Like what? The house is clean.
121
00:05:35,532 --> 00:05:36,811
Reeks horribly of pumpkin spice...
122
00:05:36,812 --> 00:05:39,610
Okay, can you give the fucking
candles a break already?
123
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,093
Sorry. That was a little over the top.
124
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:46,197
My parents make me a tad... psychotic.
125
00:05:49,488 --> 00:05:51,356
Speaking of your parents,
126
00:05:51,357 --> 00:05:53,492
what's the plan for this one right here?
127
00:05:53,626 --> 00:05:56,563
And we're back to referring
to me in the third person.
128
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:57,633
Awesome.
129
00:05:57,643 --> 00:05:59,286
Guess what... "this one" is right here,
130
00:05:59,288 --> 00:06:01,701
and she has ears on
both sides of her head.
131
00:06:05,845 --> 00:06:08,647
I also hate it when you guys do
the married-forever telepathy thing
132
00:06:08,649 --> 00:06:10,042
so I don't know what's going on.
133
00:06:11,442 --> 00:06:12,938
Look at you.
134
00:06:13,492 --> 00:06:15,917
Right? Look at her.
135
00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:19,146
How do you wake up so pretty?
136
00:06:19,148 --> 00:06:20,743
I know.
137
00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:23,055
- It's truly amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:23,189 --> 00:06:24,790
What's happening?
139
00:06:27,526 --> 00:06:29,555
Okay, here's the dealio...
140
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:31,838
You gotta leave.
141
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,975
- What?
- Well done.
142
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,209
So gentle.
143
00:06:35,211 --> 00:06:36,678
- It's true.
- What?!
144
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,468
- Just...
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no.
145
00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:41,485
No, the keeper of the
goddamn throuple flame
146
00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:42,949
is the one that has to go?
147
00:06:42,951 --> 00:06:45,970
[Cellphones chime]
148
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:47,028
Shit.
149
00:06:47,030 --> 00:06:49,051
Shit. Baby doc appointment.
150
00:06:49,053 --> 00:06:50,258
I completely spaced that.
151
00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:51,996
- 30 minutes.
- We gotta go.
152
00:06:52,105 --> 00:06:53,307
We can drop her off on the way.
153
00:06:53,308 --> 00:06:55,219
Okay, one more third-person reference,
154
00:06:55,221 --> 00:06:56,374
and I'm gonna fucking snap.
155
00:06:56,376 --> 00:06:57,689
Hey.
156
00:06:59,029 --> 00:07:00,993
You do understand the
fundamental principle
157
00:07:00,995 --> 00:07:02,272
of why I needed to get back here
158
00:07:02,273 --> 00:07:04,078
before Hal and Rita landed, right?
159
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,592
Izzy, I'm sorry...
160
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:08,653
but there's no version
of "normal suburban life"
161
00:07:08,655 --> 00:07:09,856
that includes you.
162
00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:12,173
Hal and Rita already think the
only reason we don't have a kid
163
00:07:12,174 --> 00:07:14,977
is that we're too weird and
we don't want one badly enough.
164
00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:17,707
[Sighs]
165
00:07:19,578 --> 00:07:23,316
Okay, so what does happen to me
166
00:07:23,604 --> 00:07:24,871
if you're pregnant?
167
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,853
Is that where I get off?
168
00:07:28,104 --> 00:07:31,102
Because "there's no version
of normal suburban life
169
00:07:31,104 --> 00:07:32,627
that includes me"?
170
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:33,947
- No.
- No.
171
00:07:33,949 --> 00:07:36,885
A baby doesn't change the three of us.
172
00:07:37,196 --> 00:07:38,837
Oh, do you promise that?
173
00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,812
Yeah. Promise.
174
00:07:41,951 --> 00:07:43,861
Izzy, we love you.
175
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,624
And our baby would love you, too.
176
00:07:47,337 --> 00:07:50,099
Jack and Emma's baby in
Jack and Emma's house?
177
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:53,509
It's fine.
178
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,209
I'll stay at Nina's for a few nights.
179
00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:58,039
Right, it'll just be a few nights, so...
180
00:07:58,041 --> 00:08:00,652
Yeah. And then we'll come and
get you, and we'll bring you home.
181
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:01,722
Okay.
182
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:05,861
[♪]
183
00:08:06,851 --> 00:08:09,361
I think that went relatively well.
184
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:11,411
I don't.
185
00:08:11,952 --> 00:08:15,823
[♪]
186
00:08:20,306 --> 00:08:22,441
So, that's... that's it?
187
00:08:23,322 --> 00:08:26,177
[Sighs] But we had so much sex.
188
00:08:26,178 --> 00:08:28,131
I'm very sorry.
189
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,535
But, no, Emma, that's not "it."
190
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:33,714
Fertility medication is
just one path to conception.
191
00:08:35,254 --> 00:08:36,772
Okay, so what would be next?
192
00:08:37,523 --> 00:08:39,119
Well, based on what we know,
193
00:08:39,121 --> 00:08:42,107
my professional recommendation
would be surrogacy.
194
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,819
So it would still be our baby,
195
00:08:45,821 --> 00:08:47,798
but just in somebody else's womb?
196
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,405
A carefully screened
but qualified surrogate
197
00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,276
from a reputable agency.
198
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:53,533
All right, well, how do we start?
199
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,741
Well, how about we start
with a conversation?
200
00:08:56,888 --> 00:08:59,475
- Well...
- A private conversation?
201
00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:00,678
I... I'm sorry.
202
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,839
- I didn't mean to jump ahead.
- It's okay. It's okay.
203
00:09:02,841 --> 00:09:04,042
Take your time.
204
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,816
Make sure you're both
on the same page...
205
00:09:05,818 --> 00:09:07,851
bringing a third person
into your relationship
206
00:09:07,853 --> 00:09:08,875
in such an intimate way
207
00:09:08,877 --> 00:09:11,546
can be emotionally
complex and challenging.
208
00:09:11,548 --> 00:09:13,042
You have no idea.
209
00:09:13,763 --> 00:09:15,364
[♪]
210
00:09:15,366 --> 00:09:18,081
So just barely
introduce the Vermouth,
211
00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:20,085
like wave it over the glass.
212
00:09:20,099 --> 00:09:23,702
Oh, and I'll take some of those
blue cheese olives you got there.
213
00:09:23,703 --> 00:09:24,776
Oh.
214
00:09:24,778 --> 00:09:25,941
Right... Chat later.
215
00:09:25,943 --> 00:09:28,450
- You going camping?
- Yeah, at your place.
216
00:09:28,452 --> 00:09:30,187
I'm the odd chick out again.
217
00:09:30,189 --> 00:09:32,202
I thought Jack was down and out,
218
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,907
and Emma was going full
flannel in the Emerald City?
219
00:09:33,908 --> 00:09:35,242
Yeah, Jack's back.
220
00:09:35,244 --> 00:09:38,804
We got all schmaltzy, we
had crazy amazing makeup sex,
221
00:09:38,806 --> 00:09:40,384
but her parents are showing up tonight,
222
00:09:40,386 --> 00:09:43,989
so I'm in a time-out
so they can play normal
223
00:09:43,990 --> 00:09:45,605
for a couple days.
224
00:09:45,839 --> 00:09:47,058
Got it. Okay.
225
00:09:47,059 --> 00:09:48,928
Shot.
226
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:55,549
[Sighs] God! I miss you...
227
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:58,404
and downtown and binge
drinking... and you.
228
00:09:58,585 --> 00:10:01,724
You'd be welcomed back with
open arms, just say the word.
229
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,576
Starting to worry that
it's not gonna be up to me.
230
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:07,096
Another. Please.
231
00:10:08,438 --> 00:10:09,756
Hit me.
232
00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:13,616
What?!
233
00:10:16,155 --> 00:10:17,222
Talk to me.
234
00:10:17,223 --> 00:10:19,007
Think of me as your bartender.
235
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,291
You are my bartender.
236
00:10:20,292 --> 00:10:22,161
Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]
237
00:10:22,294 --> 00:10:24,296
Okay, so what's going on?
238
00:10:24,430 --> 00:10:26,532
They're meeting with their baby doc.
239
00:10:27,778 --> 00:10:29,482
What if they're pregnant?
240
00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:32,395
Well, wouldn't they call you?
241
00:10:32,397 --> 00:10:33,419
Maybe not.
242
00:10:33,421 --> 00:10:35,920
Maybe they're too busy
trying to figure out
243
00:10:35,922 --> 00:10:38,858
how to spring the good
news on her parents.
244
00:10:38,964 --> 00:10:41,958
Okay, let's connect the dots here, Iz.
245
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,398
You were legit bummed about not
being knocked up the other day.
246
00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:48,422
[Sighs] I don't know, man. It's...
247
00:10:49,838 --> 00:10:53,492
That baby would've
belonged to the three of us
248
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,773
because he or she
249
00:10:56,832 --> 00:10:59,026
was conceived when we were all together.
250
00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:03,401
But this baby would be all theirs...
251
00:11:03,402 --> 00:11:06,176
something they started way before me.
252
00:11:07,497 --> 00:11:09,232
Shot.
253
00:11:12,812 --> 00:11:14,225
Give me that!
254
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:20,356
Spill it, sista. Let it all out.
255
00:11:21,897 --> 00:11:25,049
It's just, maybe I'm just a...
256
00:11:25,575 --> 00:11:27,111
... kooky blip
257
00:11:27,293 --> 00:11:30,163
they gradually stop talking
about and pretend to forget.
258
00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:38,373
Are you supposed to do that?
259
00:11:38,375 --> 00:11:39,457
Nope!
260
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:43,197
Okay.
261
00:11:43,576 --> 00:11:45,640
Here's my bartender wisdom...
262
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:50,514
You need to find out if the
Griswolds are really in it
263
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:52,484
before you waste any
more of your hot years.
264
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:53,859
You know what I'm getting real sick of?
265
00:11:53,860 --> 00:11:55,233
Trying harder than the other two
266
00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:57,103
to make this relationship work.
267
00:11:57,105 --> 00:11:59,113
- Sorry, how was that?
- Oh, my God.
268
00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:01,058
What kind of relationship are you in?
269
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:02,984
It doesn't matter. I got things to do.
270
00:12:02,986 --> 00:12:06,013
Yeah, you do, right after
you fix that dude a martini.
271
00:12:06,015 --> 00:12:07,713
Oh, no hurry... I just come here
272
00:12:07,715 --> 00:12:09,709
to sit in a really
uncomfortable chair and watch
273
00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:11,731
sports on my phone.
274
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:16,720
So what do I do?
275
00:12:16,722 --> 00:12:18,591
You don't do anything.
276
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,065
It's their move.
277
00:12:20,308 --> 00:12:22,079
I hope they have the common decency
278
00:12:22,081 --> 00:12:23,779
to be miserable without me.
279
00:12:23,781 --> 00:12:26,850
♪ You won't even need my name ♪
280
00:12:27,219 --> 00:12:30,422
♪ I'm here for you to bleed me dry ♪
281
00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:34,161
♪ You're gonna make
me feel so chic ♪
282
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:37,509
♪ You're gonna leave
me high and dry ♪
283
00:12:37,511 --> 00:12:38,845
Hey.
284
00:12:39,365 --> 00:12:41,232
Thanks for this.
285
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:42,907
I needed to think of anything
286
00:12:42,909 --> 00:12:45,371
other than my persistent infertility.
287
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,843
[Chuckling] It's fine. I get it.
288
00:12:50,363 --> 00:12:52,365
Do you think we're making a mistake
289
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:55,304
sending Izzy away every
time she's an inconvenience?
290
00:12:55,306 --> 00:12:58,109
I mean, we already
broke up with her twice.
291
00:12:58,366 --> 00:12:59,642
Yeah, but this is different.
292
00:12:59,644 --> 00:13:01,338
This is a...
293
00:13:01,775 --> 00:13:04,289
- three-day elaborate lie.
- Yeah.
294
00:13:04,437 --> 00:13:05,965
Which, to her, probably means
295
00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:08,369
that we're not sure
this is permanent, right?
296
00:13:09,439 --> 00:13:12,400
Which makes us the dickheads
that she keeps calling us.
297
00:13:12,873 --> 00:13:15,125
- Exactly.
- Okay, so what do we do?
298
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,125
How do we explain her presence here?
299
00:13:18,658 --> 00:13:21,003
Housekeeper? Does she
know how to do accents?
300
00:13:21,005 --> 00:13:23,656
[Chuckles] Okay, that's
at least moderately racist.
301
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:25,320
What? No. It's not racist at all.
302
00:13:25,322 --> 00:13:28,558
I didn't specify which accent, so...
303
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:29,845
[Gasps]
304
00:13:29,847 --> 00:13:31,182
Ding, ding, ding.
305
00:13:31,550 --> 00:13:32,911
I have an idea,
306
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,414
a brilliant idea
307
00:13:34,416 --> 00:13:36,416
that not only brings Izzy back
308
00:13:36,488 --> 00:13:39,425
but it makes my parents so
happy that I won't need to take
309
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,799
all the pain killers I've
stored in the freezer.
310
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:44,069
You have painkillers in the freezer?
311
00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:47,326
Um... now that you are
Notorious Orgy Girl,
312
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:48,906
I'm gonna keep Andy safely locked away
313
00:13:48,908 --> 00:13:50,228
at his place for a couple nights.
314
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,494
Excuse me.
315
00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:53,631
Hey, Michelle.
316
00:13:54,078 --> 00:13:55,736
I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...
317
00:13:55,738 --> 00:13:57,758
I'm not really "Notorious Orgy Girl."
318
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,083
She was just joking.
319
00:13:59,085 --> 00:14:00,420
Don't care.
320
00:14:00,646 --> 00:14:02,643
So, when you said the name Andy,
321
00:14:02,645 --> 00:14:04,248
were you referring to Andy Cutler?
322
00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,119
I've seen you guys together, right?
323
00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:08,049
Yeah. So?
324
00:14:08,387 --> 00:14:11,589
Let me guess... things are
getting real serious real fast
325
00:14:11,590 --> 00:14:13,891
even though he just got
out of something else?
326
00:14:14,213 --> 00:14:15,949
Oh, well, maybe.
327
00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:18,086
Yeah, well, that's his thing.
328
00:14:18,088 --> 00:14:19,290
He's a love junkie.
329
00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:21,434
You know, the chase, the courtship,
330
00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:24,106
the dizzy, buzzy, fuzzy,
can't-get-enough stuff.
331
00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:27,205
Oh, my God. [Chuckles]
What, that's his shit?
332
00:14:27,206 --> 00:14:28,540
That's his shit.
333
00:14:28,674 --> 00:14:31,864
Dude's a serial monogamist,
doesn't break between steadies.
334
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,298
It's firsthand Intel, woman to woman.
335
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:42,538
Neen, Neen... that's
just her side of it.
336
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:44,484
Yeah, except it fits
like a fucking glove.
337
00:14:45,491 --> 00:14:47,196
- [Cellphone chimes]
- What? What's that?
338
00:14:47,198 --> 00:14:48,272
It's nothing.
339
00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:49,736
- No.
- Stop.
340
00:14:50,538 --> 00:14:51,699
"Come home"?
341
00:14:51,701 --> 00:14:53,124
Fuck them.
342
00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:55,928
Okay, fuck them, fuck
Andy, fuck everyone.
343
00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:57,399
Let's just dump everybody
344
00:14:57,401 --> 00:15:00,337
and... and go back to
being you and me, okay?
345
00:15:00,339 --> 00:15:02,366
- "Izni."
- Izni?
346
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:05,305
We have a couples name?
That's so dumb. I love it!
347
00:15:05,307 --> 00:15:07,175
I gotta get another tattoo.
348
00:15:07,177 --> 00:15:09,358
What do you mean another tattoo?
349
00:15:09,799 --> 00:15:11,134
[Sighs]
350
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,361
Might as well just get this over with.
351
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:18,921
I think you misspelled.
352
00:15:18,923 --> 00:15:21,513
No, it's not "edgy." It's E-J-I.
353
00:15:21,515 --> 00:15:23,912
Like Emma-Jack-Izzy?
354
00:15:23,914 --> 00:15:25,874
- My God.
- I know. It's so big.
355
00:15:25,876 --> 00:15:28,604
- It's so dumb.
- We were... we were really drunk.
356
00:15:29,216 --> 00:15:30,377
It's bad.
357
00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:31,660
[Sighs]
358
00:15:31,662 --> 00:15:33,326
So what should I do?
359
00:15:34,606 --> 00:15:36,573
Well, I think the answer's
right there on your ass.
360
00:15:36,574 --> 00:15:38,147
- [Chuckles]
- They made the move.
361
00:15:38,149 --> 00:15:39,731
Go home, dummy.
362
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,480
Are you sure?
363
00:15:42,481 --> 00:15:44,191
Yeah.
364
00:15:45,485 --> 00:15:47,086
Okay.
365
00:15:47,512 --> 00:15:49,713
I'm being a total narcissistic douche
366
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:52,623
for leaving you after that chick just...
367
00:15:52,624 --> 00:15:55,248
- I'm gonna stay 'cause...
- No. Go.
368
00:15:55,574 --> 00:15:56,908
Go.
369
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,282
Seriously.
370
00:15:58,284 --> 00:15:59,486
I love you.
371
00:15:59,488 --> 00:16:01,356
I love you, too.
372
00:16:01,358 --> 00:16:03,302
[Sighs]
373
00:16:03,304 --> 00:16:06,241
[♪]
374
00:16:10,292 --> 00:16:11,900
"Serial monogamist."
375
00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,357
[Chuckling] Ouch, right?!
376
00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:18,229
[♪]
377
00:16:23,055 --> 00:16:26,124
Got milk, so Lucky Charms are a safe
378
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:29,862
but dependably fulfilling option.
379
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:37,023
Treasure found.
380
00:16:37,571 --> 00:16:39,706
Hot Pockets.
381
00:16:41,964 --> 00:16:43,966
Which ice cream pairs best?
382
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:46,103
Salted Caramel.
383
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,573
Duh.
384
00:16:51,217 --> 00:16:56,025
[Humming to the tune of "Hot Blooded"]
385
00:16:56,027 --> 00:16:58,023
♪ It's a ♪
386
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:02,772
♪ Hot Pocket, nuke it and see ♪
387
00:17:02,774 --> 00:17:06,511
[Snorts, chuckles]
388
00:17:06,513 --> 00:17:07,981
Wow!
389
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,765
That...
390
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,569
That was... quite a performance.
391
00:17:15,107 --> 00:17:17,108
I thought that you were...
392
00:17:17,109 --> 00:17:18,305
Shh.
393
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:19,546
Okay.
394
00:17:19,548 --> 00:17:21,438
You're obviously stoned.
395
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,182
So who made this
moment possible for you?
396
00:17:24,183 --> 00:17:25,384
Hmm?
397
00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:29,522
You don't have a car. You
haven't left the house.
398
00:17:29,806 --> 00:17:32,842
And... be advised
399
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:35,127
if I catch you lying to me,
400
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:37,452
you will never set butt cheek
401
00:17:37,454 --> 00:17:39,624
in that lovely car of yours again.
402
00:17:41,548 --> 00:17:42,634
Oh.
403
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,923
Did I mention I've found
you a ride to school
404
00:17:44,925 --> 00:17:47,272
so I'm no longer punishing myself?
405
00:17:47,273 --> 00:17:49,484
Missy Carrington.
406
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,080
Missy Carrington?
407
00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:53,283
Mm-hmm.
408
00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:55,536
She smells like asparagus pee.
409
00:17:55,538 --> 00:17:57,552
Hold your breath. It's
only three semesters.
410
00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,251
It was Izzy. Izzy gave it to me.
411
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:08,466
[Voice breaking] I'm definitely
getting my face eaten off.
412
00:18:10,699 --> 00:18:14,703
[♪]
413
00:18:14,705 --> 00:18:17,508
[Crickets chirping, owl hoots]
414
00:18:18,149 --> 00:18:20,858
Dave: Wow, Janis, this place is far out.
415
00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:22,062
Carmen: So to speak.
416
00:18:22,064 --> 00:18:24,756
Janis: Hashtag blessed
that you finally came.
417
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,312
The mosquitos don't bother you out here?
418
00:18:27,313 --> 00:18:30,916
[Both laugh]
419
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,918
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
420
00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:38,791
- Oh.
- [Note plays]
421
00:18:40,126 --> 00:18:42,928
[Recorder plays]
422
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,203
I'm a little scared right now.
423
00:18:51,205 --> 00:18:55,857
[Playing continues]
424
00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:59,235
[Whispering] We could
run. I want to run.
425
00:19:01,347 --> 00:19:03,608
Get it... you're our surrogate,
426
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,179
all filled up with my
eggs and Jack's sperm.
427
00:19:06,181 --> 00:19:08,316
- It's brilliant.
- Right?
428
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:10,246
And the very concept of grandchildren
429
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,556
will surge so many endorphins
430
00:19:12,558 --> 00:19:14,100
to their sixty-something frontal lobes,
431
00:19:14,102 --> 00:19:15,690
they'll basically be
stoned the whole time.
432
00:19:15,691 --> 00:19:16,691
Mm-hmm.
433
00:19:16,734 --> 00:19:19,630
They'll forget all
about Mexicans and gays
434
00:19:19,632 --> 00:19:23,303
and the government's imminent
seizure of their guns.
435
00:19:23,608 --> 00:19:25,577
Iz? Izzy?
436
00:19:25,579 --> 00:19:26,674
[Sighs]
437
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:27,964
Don't you like the plan?
438
00:19:28,349 --> 00:19:29,551
I have a question.
439
00:19:30,309 --> 00:19:31,643
As your surrogate,
440
00:19:31,644 --> 00:19:33,512
why would I be living
in your guest room?
441
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:35,652
I'm pretty sure that
that's not the uzhe.
442
00:19:35,654 --> 00:19:37,248
Because you're uneducated and poor.
443
00:19:37,249 --> 00:19:38,833
Right! That's the
brilliance of the plan.
444
00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:40,584
Ohhhh, right.
445
00:19:40,586 --> 00:19:43,388
Okay, so I'm your
white-trash baby vessel.
446
00:19:43,389 --> 00:19:44,456
Loving it.
447
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:46,325
So when you're done with my womb,
448
00:19:46,327 --> 00:19:48,922
do I just move back
into my trailer or... ?
449
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,727
Okay, I hear you
saying you're loving it,
450
00:19:50,729 --> 00:19:52,244
but I don't feel you loving it.
451
00:19:52,246 --> 00:19:53,422
It's just make-believe.
452
00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:54,821
We came up with a way you could stay.
453
00:19:54,822 --> 00:19:56,263
I mean, what's... what's the problem?
454
00:19:56,265 --> 00:19:58,016
I guess when I read "Come home!,"
455
00:19:58,018 --> 00:20:00,041
I had this naively idealistic notion
456
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,884
that we were gonna bravely
live our truth together.
457
00:20:02,886 --> 00:20:04,669
[Chuckles] What? With...
with my parents?
458
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,877
With Hal and Rita? Yeah, no.
459
00:20:06,879 --> 00:20:09,414
Yeah, you haven't met them yet.
This is not a time for truth.
460
00:20:09,415 --> 00:20:11,201
So we're just gonna lie to them forever?
461
00:20:11,203 --> 00:20:13,493
Of course not. They'll die some day.
462
00:20:13,494 --> 00:20:15,494
- Yeah.
- Rita and Hal are not immortal.
463
00:20:15,496 --> 00:20:16,697
[Sighs] [Knock on door]
464
00:20:16,699 --> 00:20:18,034
Oh, man.
465
00:20:18,624 --> 00:20:21,193
Do I seriously have to
act stupid this whole time?
466
00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:22,772
- Yes.
- Yes.
467
00:20:22,774 --> 00:20:24,643
So fucked up.
468
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,076
Hey.
469
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:29,124
Is Izzy around?
470
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:33,674
It's no biggie, just not
being an asshole or anything.
471
00:20:36,825 --> 00:20:39,628
[Wolf howls]
472
00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:41,913
So, Janis...
473
00:20:42,114 --> 00:20:43,962
why did I have the idea that
you two have been together
474
00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:45,030
for like 15 years?
475
00:20:45,032 --> 00:20:46,935
Caleb here would've been a toddler.
476
00:20:46,937 --> 00:20:49,740
In a way, we've been together forever,
477
00:20:49,742 --> 00:20:51,952
since before time.
478
00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:55,982
And what about in the other way?
479
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,011
Roughly three weeks.
480
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,299
Wow.
481
00:21:00,495 --> 00:21:02,552
'Cause I feel like you've been talking
482
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:03,750
about having a, uh...
483
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:05,337
a "lover"... is that right?
484
00:21:05,338 --> 00:21:07,073
since we started working together.
485
00:21:07,311 --> 00:21:09,135
Well, the names may change,
486
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,629
but what they mean to me does not.
487
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:13,346
Huh.
488
00:21:13,671 --> 00:21:15,214
So why do you think you're here?
489
00:21:15,485 --> 00:21:17,757
After all this time
deflecting my invitations?
490
00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:19,544
- Oh, no, it's not that.
- Oh, no deflecting.
491
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:20,568
No, we just, you know...
492
00:21:20,569 --> 00:21:22,806
- we have very nutty...
- Busy lives.
493
00:21:22,808 --> 00:21:23,901
I mean, we have kids, right?
494
00:21:23,902 --> 00:21:25,890
- So it's constantly...
- Viruses and flus and...
495
00:21:25,892 --> 00:21:27,528
Abrasions and cuts.
496
00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:28,998
You're on a quest.
497
00:21:29,494 --> 00:21:31,896
You're looking for something, yes?
498
00:21:31,898 --> 00:21:32,964
Yes.
499
00:21:32,965 --> 00:21:35,100
[Laughing] Yes!
500
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:37,022
I asked them, Caleb.
501
00:21:38,594 --> 00:21:41,970
Well, you know, I... I think we
have been looking for something.
502
00:21:42,842 --> 00:21:44,175
Something we lost.
503
00:21:44,176 --> 00:21:46,044
Somewhere along the line, we...
504
00:21:46,045 --> 00:21:47,735
we became...
505
00:21:48,456 --> 00:21:49,558
uncool.
506
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:50,756
Ah!
507
00:21:51,175 --> 00:21:52,497
I see that.
508
00:21:52,718 --> 00:21:54,081
Yes.
509
00:21:55,292 --> 00:21:57,815
Janis: Not long ago,
I had another lover.
510
00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,908
She was a mustang, wild and wise.
511
00:22:01,794 --> 00:22:02,808
I miss her.
512
00:22:02,810 --> 00:22:05,056
But she wasn't literally a horse, right?
513
00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:06,523
Like, please tell me she wasn't.
514
00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,867
Can I ask you what is in
this? Because it is fantastic.
515
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:09,935
I'm... I'm like...
516
00:22:09,936 --> 00:22:11,691
It is literally putting
me in a better mood.
517
00:22:11,693 --> 00:22:12,886
Is that possible?
518
00:22:13,139 --> 00:22:16,742
It's a rare Indian dish called beh!
519
00:22:17,151 --> 00:22:19,067
It's tofu, white beans,
520
00:22:19,068 --> 00:22:21,941
onion, ginger, coriander, turmeric,
521
00:22:21,943 --> 00:22:24,353
'shrooms, and a dash of Ayahuasca.
522
00:22:28,968 --> 00:22:30,036
Excuse me?
523
00:22:30,488 --> 00:22:31,823
What was that?
524
00:22:32,019 --> 00:22:33,363
[Loudly] Oh, it's a rare Indian dish...
525
00:22:33,364 --> 00:22:34,648
No, no, no, you don't
have to yell again.
526
00:22:34,649 --> 00:22:36,227
I just want to hear the
last two ingredients.
527
00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:38,898
'Shrooms and Ayahuasca.
528
00:22:39,031 --> 00:22:43,835
[Both laugh]
529
00:22:43,836 --> 00:22:45,303
Put the spoon in the bowl.
530
00:22:45,304 --> 00:22:48,908
Put the spoon in the bowl.
531
00:22:50,947 --> 00:22:51,947
You what?
532
00:22:52,017 --> 00:22:54,449
I... I would just like
to point out once again,
533
00:22:54,451 --> 00:22:57,182
that I'm not being an asshole.
534
00:22:57,183 --> 00:22:58,917
Everyone makes mistakes.
535
00:22:58,918 --> 00:23:00,118
For example,
536
00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:03,613
sometimes your neighbors
invite a young woman
537
00:23:03,615 --> 00:23:06,656
into their relationship who then goes on
538
00:23:06,658 --> 00:23:09,138
to teach your teenage
daughter to do drugs.
539
00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:12,352
Can we not say "drugs" like
I was tapping her veins?
540
00:23:12,354 --> 00:23:15,611
I gave her a little weed
after she begged and pleaded
541
00:23:15,613 --> 00:23:17,481
and swore she wouldn't tell.
542
00:23:17,766 --> 00:23:19,031
And come the fuck on.
543
00:23:19,033 --> 00:23:21,569
You don't actually believe
this was her first time.
544
00:23:21,571 --> 00:23:22,905
[Sighs]
545
00:23:22,907 --> 00:23:24,776
She's found my weed so many times
546
00:23:25,077 --> 00:23:26,348
I've run out of hiding places
547
00:23:26,350 --> 00:23:28,146
that don't require cavity searches.
548
00:23:28,147 --> 00:23:30,229
So you were insinuating that Izzy
549
00:23:30,231 --> 00:23:32,418
introduced Ava to drugs to what?
550
00:23:32,549 --> 00:23:34,284
Make this a bigger fucking deal?
551
00:23:34,286 --> 00:23:36,287
- Mnh-mnh.
- Jack: Oh.
552
00:23:36,288 --> 00:23:38,857
If it talks like an asshole
and walks like an asshole...
553
00:23:38,859 --> 00:23:41,643
Did you tell her that,
uh... you and I smoked pot
554
00:23:41,645 --> 00:23:44,161
on that porch two nights ago?
555
00:23:44,163 --> 00:23:46,891
Wha... You big, fat hypocrite!
556
00:23:46,893 --> 00:23:48,227
Okay. We...
557
00:23:48,229 --> 00:23:51,166
Do you remember when you
briefly had credibility?
558
00:23:51,368 --> 00:23:53,103
Do you miss it?
559
00:23:53,105 --> 00:23:54,974
Does it keep in touch?
560
00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,845
Hey, Izzy, still,
561
00:23:57,109 --> 00:23:59,377
you did give Lori
Matherfield's daughter pot.
562
00:23:59,378 --> 00:24:01,766
- Uh...
- Will there ever be a time
563
00:24:01,768 --> 00:24:04,717
you don't use my whole name
like extended profanity?
564
00:24:06,419 --> 00:24:07,881
Just for shits and giggles,
565
00:24:07,883 --> 00:24:09,714
maybe one time, you can
make an adult decision?
566
00:24:09,715 --> 00:24:11,360
Oh, you mean like calling an escort
567
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:13,258
because your sex life's a snore?
568
00:24:13,259 --> 00:24:16,009
Or smoking pot with
your 14-year-old nephew?
569
00:24:16,010 --> 00:24:17,292
Oh, God.
570
00:24:17,293 --> 00:24:19,512
Yeah, and now we're
playing this big ruse
571
00:24:19,514 --> 00:24:21,132
that I'm their white-trash surrogate
572
00:24:21,133 --> 00:24:23,135
so I can stay while her parents visit.
573
00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,206
First, she's a hooker,
574
00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:28,407
then she's their niece,
then she's their sugar baby,
575
00:24:28,409 --> 00:24:30,245
and now she's the baby mama?
576
00:24:31,836 --> 00:24:33,506
You guys are fucking loony, man.
577
00:24:33,508 --> 00:24:34,575
[Chuckles]
578
00:24:34,577 --> 00:24:36,319
Okay, you little shit.
579
00:24:36,485 --> 00:24:38,730
Now you've narced me out
and called me a hooker,
580
00:24:38,732 --> 00:24:40,102
so I'm gonna give you an ass beating
581
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,185
your mom should've given
you a long time ago.
582
00:24:42,187 --> 00:24:43,817
Big threats from such a little chick.
583
00:24:43,819 --> 00:24:45,021
- I'm not so little!
- Let's do this thing.
584
00:24:45,022 --> 00:24:46,776
- I'm ready.
- I'm gonna end you.
585
00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:47,907
You want to go?
586
00:24:47,909 --> 00:24:49,770
- Yeah, I'm ready to go.
- You think you're so tough?
587
00:24:49,771 --> 00:24:52,111
[Animals calling]
588
00:24:52,631 --> 00:24:55,297
Caleb: I feel so comfortable
with you two already.
589
00:24:55,299 --> 00:24:57,928
- [Farts]
- Oh, come on, Caleb. That is not okay.
590
00:24:57,930 --> 00:24:59,932
Janis: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
591
00:25:00,117 --> 00:25:01,706
Dave go home.
592
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,377
Shh.
593
00:25:05,256 --> 00:25:07,392
Ahhh.
594
00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:09,651
Stop. Stop.
595
00:25:09,653 --> 00:25:10,791
Stop!
596
00:25:12,965 --> 00:25:14,038
I hear something.
597
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,523
[Car horn plays tune]
598
00:25:15,525 --> 00:25:16,593
Is that...
599
00:25:16,595 --> 00:25:17,796
It's Hal and Rita.
600
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,834
Oh, God.
601
00:25:21,153 --> 00:25:26,091
[La Luz's " I Wanna Be
Alone (With You)" plays]
602
00:25:26,093 --> 00:25:30,657
♪ Nobody can tell me ♪
603
00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:33,595
♪ I can't do as I please ♪
604
00:25:33,984 --> 00:25:37,988
♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪
605
00:25:37,990 --> 00:25:43,061
♪ Alone with you ♪
606
00:25:43,063 --> 00:25:47,201
♪ As we move into night ♪
607
00:25:47,353 --> 00:25:51,089
♪ Don't gotta be so shy ♪
608
00:25:51,090 --> 00:25:54,959
♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪
609
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,030
♪ Alone with you ♪
610
00:25:58,031 --> 00:26:03,031
subtitle by peritta - corrected by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com
42052
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