All language subtitles for The.Vicar.of.Dibley.S01E02.Songs.of.Praise

If you wear gloves up to here,
you can push your arm right up her.

That is that for today
except for Any Other Business.

Any other business?
..Hugo?

-Yeah.
Any other business?

Oh! Yes, er...I would like to record
the council's gratitude

for the completely anonymous gift
of this wonderful new Bible.

I think you might add
"extraordinarily generous".

And delete "completely anonymous".

I'm sure that everyone will agree
that The King James text

has infinitely more dignity
than today's trendy rubbish.

The glorious nobility of
"In the beginning was the word".

-Oh, lovely.

The Word is quite trendy.
-It is, yes.

Am I alone in preferring
not to be asked to shake hands

with the malodorous creature
in the next pew?

No, no, no, no,
I quite like that bit.

Let alone kiss them.
-I love that bit!

Look, can we move on...
Some of us have arms

that are urgently needed
up a certain sheep's backside.

You flirt!

Any other business?
-Yes actually...

There is one little thing.
-Farewell Newsnight.

I've a letter from BBC Religious
Programmes from a Tristan Campbell.

He wants to film "Songs of Praise"
here at St Barnabus.

-Heaven preserve us.

Not a "Songs of Praise" fan, David?

-I am not.
BBC doesn't care about religion,

They only cover it becouse
they promised Douglas Hurd

they'd look after Thora
in her dotage.

Chances are, they'll have Mellors
shagging the living daylights

out of Lady Chatterley on BBC2
to keep up their audience.

I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley.

Some very useful tips.
I beg your pardon?

Oh, gardening tips.
Mellors was good at hedge control.

-I see.

I thought the sex was
jolly good fun as well.

Do you want that in the minutes?

Better not. We don't want the
vice squad raiding us, do we...

As I was saying, before I was
interrupted by two tragic victims

of experimentation
with hormone replacement,

what possible interest is our
village church to "Songs of Praise"?

It's a bit embarrassing really,
it's to do with the fact that

"the present incumbent
is a woman".

My defect,
we have a sex interest.

"On BBC1, the vicar's
got a nice pair of knockers."

I didn't know you'd seen my breasts.
-He's certainly seen mine.

Everybody's seen yours.

I do share some of
your misgivings David.

I'd rather leave television to
Felicity Kendall

and other members of the
Impossibly Tiny Bottom Club.

Bravo... We all agree.
"Songs of Praise"

is cheapening,
shallow and ridiculous.

Isn't it?
-O' Yes.., cheapening.

-Utterly shallow.
-Totally ridiculous.

Excellent, Let us have a
vote on this shall we!

Anyone in favour of letting the
morons from TV land into our church?

I mean, it's got to be a hoot,
hasn't it?

Let the hordes in.

Hello. Are you all on your own?

Usually, yes. I'm not married
and I don't get out much.

I see.. Welcome to the
choir auditions. Can you sing?

No.
Can't sing.

I'd like to be choirmaster.
I see.. Can you conduct?

Oh, yes.

Oh.. wow, the job's yours!
Welcome on board.

I'm Cecil, -Cecil! Can I enquire
as to your current size?

Sorry?

The choir.
Ah.., nil.

We are going to have to rethink
our advertising strategy.

Cecil.
Oh.. Alice.

I'm not married
and I don't get out much.

Right, no time like the present.

Except for the past. I used to love
that. Yes, it was fun, wasn't it?

Alice, if you'd show in
the first contender...quickly.

# Lord of all hopefulness
Lord of all joy... #

# Jesus wants me for a sunbeam
To shine for him each day... #

# You fill up my senses

# Like a night in the forest

# Like the mountains
in springtime

# Like a walk in the rain... #

I'm very big in the gonads.

I don't doubt that for a moment.
Is that important for singing?

Great Ottley and Netterton Amateur
Dramatic Society. Character tenor.

What have you got for us?
# You fill up my senses... #

# My love, my darling

# I hunger for your touch

# A long and lonely time. #

Yes. Thank you.

Aow.. You sexy mother fu...
-THANK YOU!

Owen...,
what a surprise!

Yea, well I thought I'd have a go.

Mum says
I used to sing like an angel.

Just like..., what's the name
of that young bloke,

lovely voice, youngster,
in the charts, no testicles?

Jimmy Osmond. -No, Welsh bloke.
....Jones!

I think you'll find, Owen,

that Tom Jones, had rather
a lot of testicles actually.

About five, I'd say!
No.., Aled Jones.

Oh.., yes, definitely
testicularly challenged that one.

And what have you
got for us, Owen?

It's called "Jesu,
Joy of Man's Desiring".

Lovely. It's one of my favourites.
It's very groovy. Fire away.

# Jesu, joy of man's desiring

# Holy wisdom... #

I think we have our
very own Pavarotti.

Yes.... Thinner.
-And I've got more sheep.

Oh, I'm sorry Hugo didn't apply.
He's very good at singing.

You're fond of Hugo,
aren't you Alice?

Oh, no, no, no.., not at all.

Not in the Romeo-Juliet,
Dirty-Den-and-Angie sort of way.

Have you had lots of boyfriends?
Depends what you mean by lots.

Well.., One really.

Yeah, I've had lots, yea, yea..

I've given up on it recently.
Too much waxing for my liking.

You always get a funny feeling
in your tum, don't you...

Don't tell me,
every time I see Hugo,

I just feel as though I have
been eaten a whole cowpat.

Enter if you're sexy and love Jesus.

Evening.

I'd better be off then.

Oh, Abyssinia.
-Yes.

I thought I'd tell you that I've
put the new Bible on the lectern

and it looks slightly better than
the paperback it replaces,

"Funky News For Modern Man".
-Why don't you come in David.

I'm waiting for that Tristan bloke
from "Songs of Praise".

Oh.. I woudn't raise your hopes Vicar.
He'll be some sad old soak,

whose career peaked
when he directed Badger Watch.

Yea.., you always think BBC people
are going to be glamorous

and then you remember
Nicholas Witchell works there.

Beside wich most of them
are so homosexual

they make John Inman
look like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Oh... That'll be him now.

Oh.! -You must be Geraldine. Yes.
-Tristan. Hi. Come on in. -Thank you.

Do go on through there.
-Here? Yeah.

Tristan, this is David Horton,
chairman of the parish council.

David, this is Tristan.
How do you do?

Have you worked with John Inman?
David's an emormous fan of his.

'Fraid not. Camp comedy's
not my cup of tea, but...

No, mine neither.

If you excuse me,
I really must be going.

There's some WRESTLING on
I'm keen to see... Goodnight.

Coffee?
-Yes, thank you.

It's very good of you
to let us do this.

I'm sure it's
going to be wonderful.

Mind instant?
-No, that's great.

I've only got a few minutes,
but, er...great.

Do, er...sit down. Absolutely.

-So...how's it going in the parish?
Have you met a lot of opposition?

Well.., David's a bit hostile.
But, I can manage it.

Yes, you often find it's the gay
Anglo-Catholics that make the fuss.

Yes, although David's not...
Yes, yes, you're right. Yes, it is.

About the programme...

Any ideas about hymns?

Well, somebody requested "Jesus
Wants Me For A Sunbeam".

-David?
Yes, I think it was him, yes.

Look, it's a new jar! Absolutely
love the popping sound it makes!

Yes...it is fun, yes.
Yeah, isn't it?

Moving on then. We'd love
one of the readers to be a woman.

Oh, not me? -You've got to do
the sermon. Of course, yes.

Mustn't hog everything, must I?
OINK! OINK!

You'll keep the sermon in?
It's the heart of the programme.

I really love people to get a glimpse
of the woman underneath the cassock.

I assume you're talking spiritually.

Yes, I'm talking spiritually.

What else could he mean? "I want to
get some close-ups of your pants"?

Excuse me. Oh! I'd really better be
going. I'm very late. Absolutely.

Traffic at this time of night is...
Non-existent. Non-existent, yes.

I send someone down
to recce the church,

if that's OK. Okey-dokey.
Goodnight. You're lovely.

No, sorry, you're welcome.
Sorry, lovely to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

O' God, I did a pig impression!
I can't believe it!

Can I be of any assistance?
I don't know.

I'm David. David Horton.
Chairman of the parish council.

Glorious little building, isn't it?
Very fine buttresses. Lovely apse.

I'm Ruth.
I'm recce-ing for the lighting.

Oh, I see...
Part of the cameraman's team?

I AM the cameraman.

Of course you are. I might start
with a shot of this tombstone.

Beautiful lettering.
"Here lieth Farah Fiffonf."

Sarah Sissons.
The f's are s's. -Yes.

I was joking.

Of course you were!

And underneath, look.
"Jane, fister of the above."

Sister, one hopes.

Come on, David.
Let's check out your buttresses.

Trist, not here! Well..,
all right then, just one little kiss.

Mind if I come in?
Oh, God! God!

Sorry, I just wanted to
run through my lesson. Yea, yea..

Sit down. I was just licking
the mirror, the way you do.

Keeping it clean.
Anyway...

I'm awfully nervous.
You're not the only one.

Still, have a proper practice.

Oh, thanks. Read on, MacDuff.
OK. Right. Right.

"Ye are the salt of the earth
and sainted.

"God shall seal your endeavours
until ye sit on His right hand..."

-Yes.
OK.

"Therefore
fight the good fight for His sake

and He shall be your succour."
What's succour?

-Sorry?
You weren't even listening.

Yes, I was. What were you saying
about sucking, er...succour?

What does it mean - succour?

Well, it means support,
help, nourishment.

Like you, Alice, give me succour.

I'll certainly need it tomorrow night
in front of all those people.

And Tristan.
-Who?! -Who?!

The producer.

Oh, him! Him! God, I'd completely
forgotten about him.

Haven't thought once about him
licking me up the legs.

-What?

Well, I hope he doesn't expect me
to make a special effort.

It's not the job of a vicar
to flirt, ...I'm afraid.

Ah..., Hugo, what would you
think if ever I were to, say,

-find a girlfriend?

I'd be very grateful. I don't seem
to be able to get one off my own bat.

No, a girlfriend for myself.
-Oh, right, got you!

Excellent, some sort of plesant,
plump, middle-aged sort of...?

Not necessarily.

No?, of course,
there are lot's of older women

who've fought hard to keep
their looks. The necks...

Yes, thank you, Hugo. I was, in
fact, thinking of someone younger.

All I wanted to say was,
If I bring someone round,

I trust you'll behave
with due discretion.

Absolutely, yes. Nudge, nudge,
wink, wink, say no more.

How are you, Davie,
my older brother? Nudge, nudge.

Gotta be going.

Busy organising a surprise
30th birthday for you, bro'.

They're very beautiful.
So are you, my dear.

In my youth, I was
what you'd call a "corker".

Can I give you some advice?
Of course.

Play the field. Snog everybody.
Sleep with most.

I didn't..,
and I've regretted it ever since.

I do like young Frank,
but a bit of a slow mover.

26 years and not even
upstairs outsidies.

The cassock is splendid.

For the big occasion

you can't beat a little black
number, can you? -No....

Don't be nervous. It's just telly.

That's right, don't worry, I'll be fine.
Cool as a cucumber, me.

Well, if Anne Diamond can do it...

I'm afraid we run out of seats.
We'll just have to stand.

And when we're meant to sit?
We'll just mime it, I suppose.

Down, down, down, down, down, down.
Hold it, and up!

Group hug?
Oh, for energy?

Of course.
Yes, OK.

Will life be different after this?

I mean,
Will we ever know privacy again?

Who knows? This time next week,
you could be a movie star.

Gosh, yes.
Ooh, I wonder which one.

# Tis only the splendour of light
guideth me... #

Well, this is the first time
I've been on television.

I applied to go on Mastermind but
they didn't like my special subject.

Apparently there aren't
enough questions about the Wombles.

I was a bit young,
being four and a half.

When I decided to become a vicar,
my life was a bit like Mastermind -

people asking me questions
all the time - how, when, why?

Some people can't understand why
women are allowed to become vicars.

People worry that soon there'll be
pantyhose on the vestry radiators

and that hymns will have to be hers.

But you know..,
they shouldn't worry.

While they're worrying
about these little things,

they're forgetting to worry
about the big things.

Issues like, well, how much
you help those who need help,

how much you love people
and show your love to them...

And... cut!

Sorry that was terrific,
but We'll have to do it again.

The flowers got in the way
of the camera...

Cue!

Oh...! In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Well, this is the first time
I've been on television.

I applied to go on Mastermind but
they didn't like my special subject.

Apparently there aren't
enough questions about the Wombles.

..And, er...oh... Cut.

Is something the matter?
Er...yes, actually.

Last time we did it there was
a laugh there, a little titter.

Problem is, we've already
heard that joke once.

Yes I know..., everyone,
can you pretend

that this is the first time
you've heard this sermon?

Try and laugh in the same
places you did the first time.

How will we know wich
is the same places?

If someone remembers,
they could cue you.

I can't remember. I think I can.
Watch this chap here, right.

And take four and, Geraldine, cue!

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Well, this is my first time
on television.

I applied to go on Mastermind but
they didn't like my special subject.

Apparently there aren't
enough questions about the Wombles.

And, er...also they thought
I was a bit too young.

No, no...

Perhaps if you just raise your hand
when you're expecting a laugh.

Right....
-Cue!

In the name of the Father...
No, no, no, no.

# Praise Him who hath taught you

# To sing of His love. #

Look, here is my number,
ring me when you've watched it.

Oh... Thanks very much.

Perhaps if I'm beetling down the M40,
you could show me round the Beeb -

introduce me to Uncle Bulgaria.

Any time. I'm all yours. Bye.
-Thanks.

Attention, attention! Potential
snogging situation developing.

I wouldn't mind having a chat with
you about our next corporate video,

"The Potato in the 21st Century".

Couldn't give me a number?
Sure, if I had a pen.

Tristan! Hi, it's Geraldine.
Oh, you remember.

Yeah, well, what say you,
we meet up after Evensong,

..Mr Producer.,
and reminisce?

You've forgotten
to pick up the phone.

I know, I know, I know!

Come on, Geraldine. Just do it.

Do you want me to go?
No, no, just sit down there.

Right, right. Here we go.
Right, here we go...

No, I can't do it. I can't do it.

Just a picking-cotton second here.

What, what?!..

You've got and got a bit of a crush,
...haven't you?

No, I haven't.
-...Yes.

Well, maybe, just a bit. Oh, Alice!

Blimey, blimey! There's juice
loose about this hoose!

Well, it's all so right, isn't it?

He's a man,
I'm a woman.

He's a religious broadcaster,
I'm a vicar.

He's Scottish
and I love McVities biscuits.

I've got a spooky feeling here.

Quite a lot of my future
depends on this phone-call.

Hello. -Geraldine.?
David.

Yes. Um...,
slightly strange favour,

I wondered if you had a number
for that Tristan bloke.

Want to speak to the lighting bod.,

..Ruth, I think it was,
about some damage to the chapel.

Seem to have
her number down wrong.

Hang on a moment.
I'll look for it.

Mm..I wonder where
that number could be...

I wonder where I put it.
I'm such a butterbrain, arn't I.

Oh, here it is,
as luck would have it, David.

It's 071 223 2129.

Er.., no, no, sorry,
I wanted Tristan's number.

Yea,
That IS Tristan's number.

Well thats the number
I've been dialing.

That's...Ruth's number.

Tristan and Ruth's number.

Yep.

So is the wedding off then?

Looking a little less likely now.
Yeah..., yeah....

It's the same old story again,
he's taken, I'm git woman.

La-di-da..

It's one of the disadvantages
of the Priesthood.

The blokes looking for a HOT chic,

The Vicar is just hardly
the first you think of...

I suppose not..
Local disco?.., -Yea.

Local Disco
and take your condom...

Local Vicar, it's -take a
raspberry sponge...

Oh, well, let's do the tea rotas.

There's more to life
than just being happy.

Could be worse.....
Could have behaved like

the Moron from Mars on
"Songs of Praise", like I did.

Yea.. I suppose so.
God., that was a cock-up.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I didn't mean that.

Sorry. No, they'll edit it out.
It'll be fine.

Are you sure? Absolutely.
Trust me. I'm a vicar.

- Settle down.
It's nearly on.

- Very exciting.
- Good luck.

Chin.

Well,
if you can't sing in tune,

I suppose that you might
just as well make for it in volume!

# I feel it in my fingers

# I feel it in my toes... #

# ..in my toes
Love is all around me... #

Oh, fab choice!
Well, I think it works.

You must give me the name of that
mascara. It's absolutely gorgeous!

# ..made up by the way that I feel

# There's no beginning,
there'll be no end

# On Jesus' love you can depend

# Yes, you can depend. #

You next, Vicar.
This is your sermon.

I applied to go on Mastermind but
they didn't like my special subject.

Apparently there aren't
enough questions about the Wombles.

Funnier than I remember.

Oh, here comes Alice.
Surely they've cut this.

Oh, no, you promised.
Sshh, everyone. Sshh!

It'll be fine. You'll see.

The lesson is taken from the sixth
chapter of the Song of Solomon,

beginning at the second verse.

"Ye are the fault of the earth
and fainted.

"Sa..Sainted.

"God shall feel...seal
your endeavours

until ye fit
on his right hand.

"Therefore fight the good fight
for his......fake

"..and he shall be thy f..."
Succour!

Succour!
He shall be thy succour!

"Thy succour."

You see, nobody would have noticed,
would they, David?

No, no, of couse not, not if they
were watching the other side.

Two nuns driving down the road
in Transylvania. -Oh....!

Yea, and all of a sudden,
a great, big, scary vampire

jumps out,
right in front of the car...

-Oh, no!....
So, one nun says to the other,

"Show him your cross",
so she leans out and says,

"Get out of the way,
you toothy git!"

Oh, I misunderstood that,

because I thought she meant
"Show him your crucifix,"

whereas she meant,
"Show him you're really, really angry."

Yea..... It is quite
a confusing story. Yes.

Gosh, I'm stupid.
No, you're not stupid at all.

It's funny actually.