All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S02E02 - Dibley Live (576p DVD x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN
IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪

MOVING ON...

I RECEIVED AN ENTRY FORM

FOR THE "BEST-KEPT VILLAGE"
COMPETITION.

ANY THOUGHTS?

YES. TEAR IT UP.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

MONTHS OF EFFORT,
AND WHAT WILL WE WIN?

SOME POINTLESS,
PONCY PIECE OF PAPER

SAYING, "DIBLEY:
BEST-KEPT VILLAGE."

NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT
JUST A PIECE OF PAPER.

IT'S A TITLE, A TROPHY.

IT'S A CHEQUE FOR £240,000

PRESENTED BY
THE DUCHESS OF KENT.

NO, THAT'S WIMBLEDON, JIM.

YES, THAT IS WIMBLEDON.

ACTUALLY, I AGREE WITH
OWEN ON THIS, DAVID.

I THINK OUR FEELINGS
TOWARDS LAST YEAR'S COMPETITION

ARE VERY SIMILAR TO PRINCE ANDREW'S
FEELINGS TOWARDS FERGIE.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING WE
WISHED WE'D NEVER ENTERED.

OH, COME ON.

WE DID ALL RIGHT LAST YEAR.

WE CAME 54th
OUT OF 54.

IS THAT RIGHT?

REMEMBER DENFIELD?

WELL, HOW COULD ONE FORGET
THOSE POOR PEOPLE?

YES. WHO WOULD'VE
BELIEVED A LORRY LOAD

OF B.S.E.-INFECTED TOXIC WASTE

WOULD'VE CRASHED INTO
A NUCLEAR FUEL TANKER

CAUSING A CRATER 200-FEET WIDE

AND THE EVACUATION
OF THE ENTIRE VILLAGE?

AND THEY CAME 53rd.

POINT TAKEN. LET'S FORGET IT.

ITEM FIVE--FRANK,
YOU WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING?

YES, I DO.

NO, I DON'T.

GRIPPING STUFF. VICAR...

YES. NEXT MONTH, ST. BARNABAS
WILL BE 650 YEARS OLD.

EXACTLY SAME AGE
AS ESTHER RANTZEN.

AND TO CELEBRATE, I'VE GOT
A LICENSE FOR ONE WEEK

TO SET UP OUR VERY OWN
LOCAL RADIO STATION.

I SAY, BRAVO,
MRS. GOD.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
A CHANCE, YOU KNOW,

TO DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY
FROM THE TELEVISION FOR A WEEK.

SEX, SEX, SEX!

THAT'S ALL YOU GET
ON TELEVISION THESE DAYS.

IS IT?

IT IS ON MINE.
I WATCH THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.

I THINK I'M LOSING
THE WILL TO LIVE.

I'LL GIVE YOU ALL A WEEK
TO THINK UP PROGRAMMING IDEAS.

BUT I WARN YOU,
I'M STREETS AHEAD. LISTEN.

♪ NOTHING COULD BE HOTTER,
NOTHING COULD BE SLICKER ♪

♪ LOCK UP YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER
'CAUSE HERE COMES THE VICAR ♪

IT'S A WORK-IN-PROGRESS,
OBVIOUSLY.

VERY EXCITING NEWS
ABOUT RADIO DIBLEY.

YES, IT IS, ISN'T IT?

I'M THINKING OF BEING
A SHOCK JOCK.

HELLO, EVERYONE.

THIS IS BLOODY WELL
RADIO DIBLEY.

CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME
A MINUTE, ALICE?

I'VE GOT TO FINISH OFF
THIS CRUCIAL SENTENCE HERE.

OH, I LOVE
YOUR SERMONS.

THANKS.

THEY'RE SO CLEVER
AND HOLY.

LET'S HAVE A PEEK.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!

"I LOVE CURLY WURLYS
BECAUSE..."

WELL, LOOK, THE ONLY REASON
I'M DOING THAT

IS BECAUSE APPARENTLY
THE RUNNER-UP

GETS A YEAR'S
FREE SUPPLY OF CHOCOLATE,

WHICH SHE WOULD SHARE WITH
HER PARISHIONERS, OBVIOUSLY.

I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS SENTENCE
IN UNDER TEN WORDS.

OH, THAT'S EASY.
YEAH, I'VE GOT IT.

HAVE YOU?

YEAH, YEAH.
I LOVE CURLY WURLYS

BECAUSE THEY'RE
VERY, VERY, VERY NICE.

YEAH, I WAS
WORKING ON SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT LESS
PREDICTABLE THAN THAT.

LESS PREDICTABLE.
OKAY, I'VE GOT IT.

THEY'RE VERY, VERY,
VERY NICE WITH SAUSAGES.

YEAH, THAT'S PERFECT,
ISN'T IT?

YEAH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE ONE.

YEAH. DO YOU MIND
IF I WRITE IT IN LATER?

YEAH.
OH, OKAY.

SO TELL ME,

HOW ARE THINGS GOING
WITH HUGO,

YOU JUICY,
YOUNG BRIDE-TO-BE YOU?

THEY'RE LOVELY.

I'M A BIT GLOOMY
ABOUT HIS DAD, THOUGH.

HE THINKS I'VE GOT
THE INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY
OF A PRAWN SANDWICH.

WHEN DID HE SAY THAT?

JUST AFTER HE SAID THAT
MY ONLY VALUE IN LIFE

WAS AS AN ORGAN DONOR.

RIGHT.

IF ONLY I COULD
FIND A WAY TO SHOW HIM

THAT BENEATH THIS
QUITE SIMPLE EXTERIOR

LIES THE RAZOR-SHARP
INTELLECT

OF AN ANDREW EINSTEIN.

ALBERT.

ALBERT EINSTEIN.

ITEM THREE, VICAR.

YES. I THOUGHT EVERYONE
WOULD LIKE TO SEE A COPY

OF OUR RADIO SCHEDULE.

SORRY ABOUT THE IDEAS
I DIDN'T HAVE ROOM FOR.

FOR INSTANCE, FRANK,
"DESERT ISLAND DESKS."

WELL, IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE
"DESERT ISLAND DISKS,"

ONLY I WOULD CHOOSE
THE EIGHT DESKS I MOST
ENJOYED SITTING AT.

SO FRANK WON'T BE BROADCASTING
AT ALL? SPLENDID!

YES, I WILL.
I'M DOING A TALK SHOW.

"AN HOUR OF FRANK
TALKING."

THAT'S ME, YOU UNDERSTAND,

NOT SOMEONE
CALLED FRANK TALKING.

'CAUSE, OF COURSE, THAT'D
BE AN HOUR OF FRANK TALKING,

TALKING.

YEAH. DON'T PEAK
TOO SOON, FRANK.

AND THE NEXT NIGHT IS
THE MORAL MAZE WITH JIM TROTT.

WHAT'S YOUR SUBJECT, JIM?

"IS SEX WITH POODLES
ALWAYS WRONG?"

I SEE.

AND YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE
TO SPEAK ON BOTH SIDES

OF THAT ARGUMENT?

HE CERTAINLY HAS.

OH, LOOK, THIS SOUNDS GOOD.

DAVID HORTON IN CONVERSATION.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVE THE WEEK
SOME GRAVITAS, DAVID.

"COUNSELLOR
DAVID HORTON, M.V.E.,

"TALKS ABOUT
HIS DISTINGUISHED
LIFE AND WORK

IN CONVERSATION
WITH ALICE TINKER."

WHAT?

WELL, SHE WAS DESPERATE
TO BE INVOLVED.

THEN NAIL HER FEET
TO THE FLOOR

AND USE HER AS A MIKE STAND.

NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE PRESENT,

BUT THAT GIRL REALLY IS
THE MOST POINTLESS THING
EVER PUT ON THE PLANET,

WITH THE POSSIBLE
EXCEPTION

OF THE POPE'S
TESTICLE DEPARTMENT.

OH. WELL, MOVING ON...

I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
FINISH THE WEEK WITH A BANG

AND HAVE THE VILLAGE QUIZ.

( all groan )

OH, I KNOW DAVID'S WON IT
THE LAST FEW YEARS...

THE LAST 27 YEARS.

YES, THE LAST 27 YEARS,

BUT I'M SURE WE CAN FIND HIM
A WORTHY OPPONENT.

YES. I'VE LEARNED
EVERY SINGLE ANSWER

FROM LAST YEAR'S CONTEST,

SO THIS YEAR,
I CAN GET THEM RIGHT.

AND WHAT ABOUT IF THE QUESTIONS
ARE DIFFERENT, JIM?

OH, SOD IT.

STILL, I'M SURE
SOME GENIUS WILL EMERGE.

AND TO ADD MORE EXCITEMENT,
I'VE DECIDED TO AWARD A PRIZE

FOR "BEST BROADCASTER
OF THE WEEK."

WHAT'S THE PRIZE?

I THINK A BOOK TOKEN'S
ALWAYS...

( all grumble )

COMPLETELY BORING
AND UNWELCOME, ISN'T IT?

SO IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE THAT.

NO, IT'LL BE SOMETHING
SERIOUSLY SENSATIONAL.

IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.

ALL I'VE GOT TO DO
IS FIND A PRIZE

THAT EVERYBODY
IN THIS VILLAGE
WOULD DIE FOR

IN THIS BOX...
OF TOTAL RUBBISH.

I LOVE THAT. HERE.

OH...

OH...THIS
TAKES ME BACK.

ARE THEY GOSPEL SINGERS?

NO. SEE YOUR THINKING,
BUT...NO.

A BOY CALLED PETER
GAVE ME THIS.

LOOK. "FROM PETER RABBIT
TO HIS FLOPSY BUNNY."

AW...

"THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME
FILL YOUR BURROWS."

YEAH.

HOW SWEET.
YEAH.

ALICE, I'VE GOT TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU

ABOUT YOUR INTERVIEW
WITH MR. HORTON.

OH, YEAH. I'VE BEEN
WORKING REALLY HARD

ON SOME VERY PROBING
QUESTIONS.
RIGHT.

RIGHT.

"COUNSELLOR DAVID HORTON
OF DIBLEY, SIR.

"IF YOU COULD MEET
ANY CHARACTER FROM FICTION,

WHICH WOMBLE
WOULD IT BE?"

THAT'S FABULOUS,
ISN'T IT?
YEAH.

( telephone rings )

WILL YOU ANSWER THAT?

I'VE GOT TO FIND SOMETHING
BEFORE THE MEETING.

HI. THIS ISN'T
THE VICAR SPEAKING,

SO I CAN'T HELP YOU AT ALL.

OH, I SEE. YEAH,
I'LL TELL HER. HOLD ON.

IT'S THE PEOPLE FROM THAT
CURLY WURLY COMPETITION.

( gasps )

YOU DIDN'T WIN THE CHOCOLATE.

OH, THAT'S JUST MY LUCK.

I KNEW MENTIONING "ORGASMS"
WAS A MISTAKE.

Y-YOU WON THEIR FIRST PRIZE!

A HOLIDAY TO DISNEYLAND PARIS!

DON'T BE STUPID, ALICE.

HELLO. GERALDINE GRANGER HERE.

I WON THEIR FIRST PRIZE!

A HOLIDAY TO DISNEYLAND PARIS!

YOU HAVEN'T!
I HAVE!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CHEERS, MATE.

RIGHT.

PRIZE FOR
THE BEST BROADCASTER.

ANY LUCK, VICAR,

OR CAN WE ASSUME
THIS IDEA'S

ANOTHER DEFUNCT DUCK?

HMM, PROBABLY, YEAH.

ALL I'VE MANAGED TO GET

IS TWO TICKETS
FOR A LUXURY WEEKEND

IN DISNEYLAND PARIS
WITH £500 SPENDING MONEY!

- THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
- NOT BAD.

SO WE HAVE A PRIZE.
HALLELUJAH.

MOVING ON, ITEM SEVEN--

OH, SOD ITEM SEVEN.

I'M GOING TO PRACTICE
MY MICROPHONE TECHNIQUE.

ME, TOO.

RIGHT. WE'VE GOT
ONE MINUTE TO GO.

LET ME JUST CHECK
EVERYBODY KNOWS
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

OWEN, YOU'RE...

THE SOUNDMAN, MAN.

RIGHT.

AND, ALICE, YOU'RE...

ALICE.

DOING WHAT?

I'M JUST KNEELING HERE.

YES. YOU'RE MANNING THE PHONES,
AREN'T YOU, ALICE?

AND YOU TWO
ARE...

Both: WE'RE YOUR POTTY.

YES. WHAT DOES IT MEAN
WHEN THAT RED LIGHT'S ON?

YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE.

WE'RE ON AIR.

WHAT? BLOODY HELL!

( theme music plays )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU SAID WE'RE ON AIR.

NOT NOW!
SORRY.

NOW! THREE...TWO...ONE.

( snapping fingers )

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE NOTICED IT--

THE VICAR'S
GOT A VERY NICE ARSE.

HELLO, AND WELCOME
TO RADIO DIBLEY.

I'M GERALDINE GRANGER,
AND I'M INVITING YOU--

OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT,
VICAR.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, JIM.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MENTION
YOUR ARSE ON THE RADIO.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

LET'S KICK OFF
WITH THE PHONE-IN,

WHERE YOU'LL HAVE
YOUR CHANCE TO TELL ME--

WHEN DO YOU WANT
THE JINGLE, VICAR?

YOU'VE MISSED IT
ALREADY.
BUGGER.

IT'LL BE YOUR CHANCE
TO RING IN

WITH YOUR MEMORIES
OF DIBLEY.

BUGGER! BUGGER!
BUGGER! BUGGER!

SO PLEASE RING IN
ON 5216.

SHARE WITH US
YOUR MAGICAL MEMORIES.

MEMORIES OF
SOME OF THE BIG EVENTS

THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN DIBLEY.

DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE
INTERESTING, FRANKLY.

UM, PERHAPS,
OH, I DON'T KNOW,

FIRST TIME YOU SAW A DOG.

OR ANY RECENT TUMMY ACHES.

I'VE JUST HAD--
NOT YOU.

WE'RE EAGER TO
SHARE THEM WITH YOU,

SO PLEASE DO--

YES, YES, YES.
THANK YOU, GOD.

I THINK WE HAVE A CALLER
ON LINE ONE.

HELLO, CALLER.

VICAR, IS THAT YOU?

IT IS, INDEED.
IS THAT DAVID HORTON,

LOCAL COUNSELLOR,
CHAIRMAN OF THE PARISH?

YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL
WHO IT IS.

I'M RINGING UP ABOUT THIS
INTERVIEW TOMORROW.

DAVID, I FEEL I SHOULD WARN YOU,
WE ARE ACTUALLY--

I'M CANCELLING.
I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANT THAT ALICE MORON
ASKING ME DAMN FOOL QUESTIONS.

DAVID...

AND IT'S NO GOOD
TELLING ME

THAT YOU'LL GET SOMEONE ELSE,

BECAUSE, FRANKLY,
THEY'RE ALL ZOMBIES.

FRANK, NEWITT, JIM.

I'VE GOT SHEEP WHO DO
A MORE PROBING INTERVIEW.

IT REALLY IS, TO A MAN.
HAVE TO CANCEL.

TALK TO YOU LATER.

UH, DAVID, JUST BEFORE YOU GO,
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

HOW ARE YOUR HAEMORRHOIDS?

WELL, THEY'RE TERRIBLE,
IF YOU MUST KNOW.

OH, REALLY PAINFUL,
VERY EMBARRASSING?

A LITTLE BIT LIKE
A BUNCH OF GRAPES
HANGING OUT YOUR BOTTOM?

YES. WELL, IT IS, ACTUALLY.

MY LAVATORY HASN'T
KNOWN WHAT'S HIT IT
IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU,

DAVID "HAEMORRHOID" HORTON

FOR SHARING THAT WITH US LIVE
ON THE DIBLEY RADIO PHONE-IN.

ANYTHING ELSE
YOU'D LIKE TO ADD?

( silence )

( using accent )
AND THIS IS RORY BREMNER NOW

USING MY REAL VOICE.

BET I HAD YOU ALL FOOLED, EH?

HA HA HA HA HA.

ZOMBIES.
HE'S GOT A NERVE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA WATCH
HIS SHOW ANYMORE.

NOR ME.

BLOODY BREMNER.

THIS IS HUGO "HOT DOG" HORTON

PLAYING YOUR REQUESTS
FROM MY COLLECTION.

NEXT UP, MRS. LAWRENCE OF
SUNNY VIEW FARM SAYS,

PLEASE PLAY SOMETHING
TO CHEER UP MY HUSBAND.

HE'S NOT BEEN WELL, BUT
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HIS NEW PILLS

ARE NOW TAKING EFFECT.
WELL, MRS. LAWRENCE, THAT'S
WONDERFUL TO HEAR.

AND HERE'S A FAVOURITE OF
MINE FROM LAST YEAR.

IT'S "THE VERVE", AND THEIR HIT
"THE DRUGS DON'T WORK",
COMING UP AFTER THIS.

♪ IT'S HUGO HORTON,
WITH MUSIC THAT'S IMPORTANT ♪

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

MY FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW

DESCRIBED ME AS A MORON
TO THE WHOLE VILLAGE.

OH, THAT. OH,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

TO LOTS OF PEOPLE,

"MORON" IS ACTUALLY
A VERY FRIENDLY WORD.

LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING,
ME OLD MORON?"

IT CAN BE
VERY AFFECTIONATE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,

"I LOVE YOU,
YOU LITTLE MORON."

BE THAT AS IT MAY,

I'M DETERMINED
TO PROVE HIM WRONG.

AND I'VE HATCHED A PLAN.

I WON'T RAISE MY HOPES
TOO HIGH.

I'M GONNA TAKE HIM ON
AT THE VILLAGE QUIZ.

YOU ARE FUNNY. THAT'S WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT YOU--

THAT NAUGHTY, SCAMPY,
IMPISH SENSE OF HUMOUR.

YOU'RE SERIOUS,
AREN'T YOU?

OH, YOU AGREE WITH DAVID.

YOU THINK
I'M A MORON, TOO.

NO! NO! NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO!

NO!

NO?

NO. I THINK
IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

ASK ME A QUESTION.
ANY QUESTION YOU LIKE.

RIGHT. WHAT'S
THE CAPITAL OF FRANCE?

UH, "F."

WHAT?

THE BEGINNING OF FRANCE
IS A CAPITAL LETTER,

AND IT'S "F."

I SMELL VICTORY.

OH, YES.

ALMOST TIME FOR ME TO GO NOW,

BUT FIRST, HERE'S A REQUEST
FROM MR. BROWN OF THE CHESTNUTS,

WHO SAYS HE'S LOST HIS WIFE.

A BIT CARELESS OF YOU,
MR. BROWN.

OH, I SEE.

SO, ANYWAY, HE SAYS HE'D
LIKE TO HEAR JOAN SUTHERLAND

SINGING AVE MARIA,

AS IT ALWAYS
MOVES HIM TO TEARS.

BUT, UM,
BUT I HAVEN'T GOT THAT,

SO HERE'S
A SAUCY LITTLE NUMBER

THAT ALWAYS GETS
MY EYES WATERING.

IT'S BY LOUISE,
AND SHE'S NAKED.

( mouths )

( turns down volume )

HUGO, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
A WORD WITH YOUR FATHER.

HE'S BEING REALLY,
REALLY HORRID TO ALICE.

OH, I KNOW.
WHAT CAN I DO?

HE'S GOT A REAL BEE
IN HIS BONNET.

EVERY TIME I MENTION HER,
HE SAYS,

"YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO
ALICE IS AS THICK

"AS TWO SHORT PLANKS GLUED
TOGETHER WITH STUPID GLUE.

"THERE'S LESS ACTIVITY
IN HER BRAIN

THAN INSIDE CLIFF RICHARD'S
UNDERPANTS."

( crying )

OH, NO. BIG, BIG, BIG,
BIG DISASTER. HUGE.

I'VE GOT TO FOLLOW HER.
CAN YOU TAKE OVER?

I COULD GO OFF, YOU.

( doorbell rings )

STILL, AS THE SONG SAYS,
"THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER."

HELLO. IT'S
THE FRANK PICKLE HOUR.

SPOKE TOO SOON.

FATHER,
CAN I HAVE A WORD?

I'M IN A BIT
OF A ROTTEN STATE.

I NEED TO TALK.

WELL, OF COURSE
YOU CAN, HUGO.

IF YOU CAN'T
TALK TO YOUR FATHER,
WHO CAN YOU TALK TO?

ONLY MAKE IT QUICK.
I'VE GOT A LOT TO DO.

HAVE TO HURRY YOU.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT ALICE.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

HAVEN'T WE ALL?

SHE'S MONSTROUS.

NO. I MEAN I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF YOU GETTING AT HER.

I KNOW SHE'S NOT
WHAT YOU CALL ACADEMIC--

ACADEMIC? LAST WEEK,
SHE ASKED ME

WHY THEY NEEDED
A FOREIGN SECRETARY
IN THE CABINET

WHEN THERE ARE
SO MANY ENGLISH GIRLS
WHO CAN DO SHORTHAND.

YES, WELL, SHE'S VERY GOOD
ON THE THINGS SHE KNOWS ABOUT,

LIKE THE CHURCH AND JESUS.

OH, YEAH, SHE'S VERY
KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT JESUS.

LAST WEEK, SHE TOLD ME
SHE HAD ALL HIS RECORDS.

REALLY?

SHE SAYS HE WAS
ONE OF THE CARPENTERS.

YES, WELL, THERE IS MORE TO LIFE
THAN JUST BEING CLEVER.

THERE'S BEING GOOD
AND TRUE AND LOVING.

I DON'T DENY IT,

AND I HAVE FULLY ACCEPTED
THAT YOU WILL MARRY HER.

BUT DON'T EXPECT ME
EVER TO CONCEDE

THAT SHE IS ANYTHING
BUT A GENETIC THROWBACK

WHO BELONGS IN A POND

WITH ALL OF HER
FELLOW TADPOLES.

NOW, IF YOU WILL
EXCUSE ME...

COME ON, LET'S LISTEN
TO THE RADIO.

THAT ALWAYS CHEERS US UP.

Vicar: AND COMING UP SOON,

THE FRANK PICKLE HOUR.

( turns off radio )

SPOKE TOO SOON.

RIGHT. YOU'RE ON
IN 50 SECONDS, FRANK,

AND I NEED TO HEAR
A LITTLE BIT FOR LEVELS,

SO TELL US WHAT YOU HAD
FOR BREAKFAST.

TOAST.

YEAH. I NEED A LITTLE BIT
MORE THAN THAT,

SO JUST MAKE
SOMETHING UP.

LET YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN WILD.

WILD. GREAT.

TWO PIECES OF TOAST.

ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.
YOU'RE ON.

GOD BLESS US ALL.

HELLO.

I'M FRANK PICKLE.

AND I'LL BE HERE

FOR THE NEXT HOUR...

OR MAYBE A LITTLE LONGER,
IN FACT,

BECAUSE I HAVE TO PUT
MY COAT ON AFTERWARDS

AND SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THE VICAR,

WHICH SHOULD TAKE
A FEW MINUTES.

ANYWAY, I'LL BE WITH YOU

FOR QUITE SOME TIME,

SO I'LL START

BY TELLING YOU
SOMETHING

I THINK YOU'LL FIND
VERY INTERESTING.

I FIRST DISCOVERED
I WAS GAY...

WHEN I WAS 18

AND I FELL IN LOVE

WITH A YOUNG FARMHAND
CALLED JUSTIN.

HE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU,
DEAR FRIENDS,

FOR 20 YEARS,

BUT IT'S TRICKY.

THAT'S THE LOVELY THING
ABOUT RADIO--

SPEAKING INTO
THIS MICROPHONE HERE

ALONE TONIGHT,

I CAN SAY THINGS
I COULD NEVER SAY TO YOU

FACE TO FACE.

I'M SURE THEY'LL
UNDERSTAND, FRANK.

OWEN'S ALWAYS GOING ON

ABOUT THAT NEW
JULIAN CLARY SERIES.

HE SAID HE SHOULD
BE STRUNG UP

BY HIS PRIVATES
AND SHOT.

YES, BUT ONLY IN A KIND
AND AFFECTIONATE WAY.

NOW BE BRAVE.

EVENING, OWEN.

EVENING, VICAR.
HELLO, FRANK.

HELL OF A GOOD SHOW
LAST NIGHT.

BRILLIANT.

MOST ENLIGHTENING,
FRANK.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE...SUCH DEAR FRIENDS.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT. I NEED
A MINUTE TO GATHER MYSELF.

WELL, YOU'VE MADE
AN OLD MAN VERY HAPPY.

VERY PROUD OF YOUR GUYS,
I REALLY AM.

I THOUGHT WE BETTER
SAY SOMETHING.

DIDN'T WANT HIM
WORRYING ALL EVENING.

NO. ONE THING, LITTLE DETAIL.

DID ANYONE ACTUALLY
HEAR HIS SHOW?

GOOD GOD, NO.

CERTAINLY NOT.

MUST BE JOKING.
NO WAY, JOSE.

THOUGHT NOT.

LET'S GET ON. FRANK!

WELL, YES.

ANY MATTERS BEFORE
WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS?

YES, I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE
THE VICAR ON THIS WEEK.

RADIO DIBLEY'S BROUGHT
THE WHOLE VILLAGE TOGETHER

AND I THINK IT'S DOWN TO HER.
- OH, THANK YOU, OWEN.

YEAH, YEAH. I COULDN'T WISH
THE PRIZE OF A TRIP TO DISNEY LAND

TO BE AWARDED BY A MORE
WISE AND WONDERFUL LADY.

AHH...
PENNY DROPPING NOW...

YES, NOT ONLY A VERY WISE
AND BEAUTIFUL LADY...

...BUT ALSO A VERY SEXY LADY.

AND I'D LIKE HER TO ACCEPT
THIS SMALL TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

AND I'D LIKE HER TO ACCEPT THIS
MUCH BIGGER TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

- GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN...
- I'D LIKE HER TO ACCEPT THIS,

THOUGH IT DOES SEEM A BIT POINTLESS NOW.

YES, LOOK. I HOPE YOU DON'T
THINK THAT GIFTS LIKE THIS

ARE GOING TO SWAY ME.

NO? WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS VERY LARGE
BOX OF FRESH CREAM BELGIAN TRUFFLES THEN?

OH... WELL, I-I...

CAN'T DENY OWEN THAT
YOUR REPORT ON BOVINE FLEAS

WAS BROADCASTING OF THE
VERY HIGHEST STANDA-

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
IT WAS ORAL TRIPE!

NO, I'M SORRY EVERYBODY,
I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BE

COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT THIS...
- WELL, I'LL HAVE THESE BACK THEN.

- JIM?
- OH NO, NO, NO, NO...

- OH, THANKS.
- THEY WERE PAST THEIR SELL-BY DATE ANYWAY.

OCTOBER '53!?

I APPLAUD YOUR PRINCIPALS, VICAR.

WELL, I'M JUST GLAD YOU WEREN'T
TEMPTED TO JOIN IN, DAVID.

OH, NO.
SOME OF US HAVE INTEGRITY.

SO WE'LL BE TAKING THESE
HOME AGAIN THEN, PA?

WELL, VICAR, SEE YOU
AT TOMORROW'S QUIZ.

YES. NOW, DAVID,
AS YOU KNOW,

ALICE TINKER
IS YOUR CHALLENGER.

YOU WILL BE GENTLE,
WON'T YOU?

OH, I'D ABSOLUTELY
LOVE TO BE,

BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING
THE HORTON MOTTO,

WHICH I'M AFRAID
I MUST ABIDE BY.

WHICH IS...

( speaking Latin )

WHICH MEANS...

I CAME, I SAW,

I TORE THE THICK BASTARDS
LIMB FROM LIMB.

RIGHT. I SEE.

IT'S WAR.

AHEM.

AND HOW'S ALICE
IN DUNDERLAND?

READY TO TAKE ME ON?

ABSOLUTELY.

FEAR NOT,
MY LITTLE MORON.

THREE, TWO, ONE. YOU'RE ON.

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO OUR
FINAL SPECIAL PROGRAM--

BRAIN OF DIBLEY.

♪ TUNE IN TO DIBLEY RADIO ♪

♪ FOR FUN WITH THE HOLY LADY-O ♪

OUR CONTESTANTS TONIGHT
ARE THE REIGNING CHAMPION--

COUNSELLOR DAVID HORTON,
M.B.E., M.A., F.R.C.S.

AND THE CHALLENGER--
MISS ALICE TINKER,

G.C.S.E., P.M.T., T.T.F.A.

AND TONIGHT'S QUIZ
HAS A LOCAL FLAVOUR.

SO LET'S KICK OFF
AND FINGERS ON BUTTONS.

THAT'S THE BUTTON
ON THE TABLE, ALICE.

AHEM.

QUESTION ONE FOR TEN POINTS--

"WHO LIVES
IN DIBLEY MANOR HOUSE--"

( buzz ) I DO.

OH, SORRY, DAVID. HADN'T QUITE
FINISHED THE QUESTION THERE.

FIVE POINT PENALTY, I'M AFRAID.
HUGO, IF YOU WILL.

SO THAT'S OVER TO ALICE NOW.

"WHO LIVES IN DIBLEY MANOR HOUSE
WITH DAVID HORTON?"

( buzz ) HUGO HORTON.

CORRECT!

( applause )

AND QUESTION TWO--

"WHICH FAMOUS SINGER ONCE OPENED
THE DIBLEY FATE--"

KYLIE MINOGUE.

OOH, SORRY, DAVID.
IT'S A TWO-PART QUESTION.

ANOTHER FIVE-POINT PENALTY,
I'M AFRAID THERE FOR YOU.

SO, ALICE, "WHICH FAMOUS SINGER

"OPENED THE DIBLEY FATE, AND...

WHICH DIBLEY RESIDENT
IS HER BIGGEST FAN?"

( buzz ) IT'S KYLIE MINOGUE

AND HUGO HORTON.

YES.

WELL, THIS IS SURPRISING.

THOUGHT YOU'D BE DOING
BETTER THAN THIS, DAVID.

I DO HOPE YOUR HAEMORRHOIDS

AREN'T AFFECTING
YOUR PERFORMANCE, COUNSELLOR.

AND NOW...QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE TINKER FAMILY.

OH, MY GOD.

FOR TEN POINTS,

"WHICH TINKER

WAS COMMONLY KNOWN
AS "DONKEY BONKER?"

( buzz )

AND SO TO OUR
FINAL SCORES TONIGHT.

COUNSELLOR DAVID HORTON

HAS CLAWED HIS WAY
BACK UP TO NIL.

THAT'S NIL.

WHILE MISS ALICE TINKER
HAS 245 POINTS.

SO THE INCONTROVERTIBLE WINNER

OF THIS YEAR'S
BRAIN OF DIBLEY

IS MISS ALICE TINKER.

AND I THINK
IT WOULD BE JUST LOVELY

IF THE RUNNER-UP, JUST TO SHOW
THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS,

WERE TO PRESENT THE CUP
TO THE WINNER.

UM, YES, ALL RIGHT.
THERE WE GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WITH A WORD
OF CONGRATULATION.

UH, YES, ALL RIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR VICTORY.

THANKS.

AND NOW YOU CAN KISS HER.

PROPERLY, PLEASE.

REMEMBER, THIS IS RADIO,

AND OUR LISTENERS
WILL WANT TO HEAR IT.

OH, DADDY.

BRAVO.

AND THE WINNER
OF THE BROADCASTING PRIZE

IS, OF COURSE,
OUR RESIDENT COOL DUDE,

MR. HUGO "HOTDOG" HORTON!

AND ON THAT HAPPY NOTE,
IT'S FAREWELL FROM RADIO DIBLEY.

HIT IT, NEWITT.

♪ TA-TA, RADIO DIBLEY'S
GOT TO GO ♪

♪ SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY ♪

♪ SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪

♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ AND I WILL DWELL
IN THE HOUSE ♪

♪ OF THE LORD ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪

SO THERE'S
THIS MAN VICAR.

OH.
YEAH.

AND HE'S PLAYING GOLF
WITH HIS FRIEND JOHN.

JOHN.
JOHN, YEAH.

AND JOHN MISSES
A THREE-FOOT PUTT.

OH, DEAR.
YEAH.

AND HE SAYS, "DAMN IT.
MISSED THE BUGGER."

AND THE VICAR TURNS,
AND HE SAYS,

"JOHN, YOU SAY THAT
ONCE MORE,

"AND GOD WILL OPEN UP
THE HEAVENS

AND SEND A THUNDERBOLT DOWN
TO STRIKE YOU DEAD."

WELL, THE NEXT THING
THAT HAPPENS,

JOHN MISSES
A TWO-FOOT PUTT,

AND HE SAYS, "DAMN IT.
MISSED THE BUGGER!"

UH-OH.
YES.

THE HEAVENS OPEN,
A BIG THUNDERBOLT
COMES DOWN

AND STRIKES
THE VICAR DEAD!

AND GOD SAYS, "DAMN IT.
MISSED THE BUGGER."

NO, NO, NO, THAT CAN'T
BE RIGHT, CAN IT?

BECAUSE GOD WOULDN'T MISS
'CAUSE HE'S GOD.

EVEN IF THEY WERE
STANDING REALLY CLOSE,

HE'D STILL HIT THE RIGHT ONE,
AND HE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SWEAR.

THAT'S A VERY TINY BRAIN
YOU'RE HOUSING IN THERE,
ISN'T IT?

♪ FOREVER ♪