Original subtitles

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME ♪

♪ TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪

( thud )

"THE WRATH OF THE KING WAS MIGHTY, AND KNEW NO BOUND,

"AND SO THEY DID LEAVE THAT COUNTRY, AND DID,

"WITH HEAVY HEART, RETURN UNTO TO JAPHETH,

AND UNTO GAD."

HERE ENDS THE LESSON.

LET US PRAY...

DEAR LORD, WE ASK THEE TO BLESS ALL THE MEMBERS

OF THIS THY CONGREGATION.

AND WE ESPECIALLY ASK YOU TO REMEMBER THE QUEEN,

WHO HAS BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER PILES AGAIN,

AND MRS. SINCLAIR WILSON, AND ALL HER FAMILY.

( whispering )

MRS. SINCLAIR WILSON, WHO HAS BEEN HAVING TROUBLE

WITH HER PILES AGAIN,

AND THE QUEEN, AND ALL HER FAMILY.

AMEN.

MAY YOU GRANT THEM HAPPINESS IN THIS WORLD,

AND IN THE NEXT.

PEACE EVERLASTING,

AMEN.

AMEN.

AMEN.

UM...

WE NOW SING...

( clears throat )

HYMN NUMBER 16--

THE DAY THOU GAVEST, LORD, HAS ENDED.

♪ THE DAY THOU GAVEST ♪

♪ LORD, IS ENDED ♪

♪ THE DARKNESS FALLS UPON THE EARTH ♪

ARE WE ALL HERE?

YES, PERFECTLY.

NOT CAN WE ALL HEAR, ARE WE ALL HERE?

I'M SORRY.

YES, SIR-- ALL EXCEPT MR. NEWITT.

WELL, LET'S GO ON, THEN, SHALL WE?

NEWITT'S ALWAYS LATE, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF BUSINESS.

RIGHT, I CALL THIS MEETING OF THE DIBLEY PARISH COUNCIL

TO ORDER, DAVID HORTON IN THE CHAIR,

FRANK PICKLE TAKING MINUTES.

SHALL I MINUTE THAT, SIR?

WHAT?

ABOUT MY TAKING THE MINUTES.

DO YOU NORMALLY MINUTE IT?

WELL, I'D LIKE TO, YES.

THEN DO IT AGAIN.

OH, THANK YOU.

THE AGENDA THIS WEEK STARTS WITH THE TRAGIC NEWS

OF THE DEATH OF REVEREND POTTLE.

AND HE HAD BEEN A GREAT SERVANT TO THIS VILLAGE

EVER SINCE HIS ARRIVAL HERE AS A YOUNG-ISH MAN IN 1917.

HAPPY DAYS.

YES, WE REMEMBER PARTICULARLY FONDLY

HIS FAMOUS CHRISTMAS SERMON,

WHICH I THINK WE ALL KNOW...

BY HEART.

HE SHALL BE GREATLY MISSED.

HERE, HERE.

ANYONE WANT TO ADD ANYTHING TO THAT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YES, UH...

JUST ONE THING, UH, IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YES, FIRE AWAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

BUT I--I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD MENTION THE MARROW.

AND WHAT MARROW IS THAT?

HE--HE--HE COME SECOND IN THE MARROW-GROWING CONTEST

IN 1956.

OH--BRAVO.

WELL, EXCELLENT.

YES, WE'LL INCLUDE THAT, ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...

THAT'S "NO," IS IT.

NO, NO, NO--

NO, YES.

RIGHT. MOVING ON--

SORRY I'M LATE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, OWEN, WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN.

MY BLADDER'S BEEN PLAYIN' UP AGAIN.

I'VE SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE STABLE'S TOILET,

I'M THINKING OF SENDING OUT CHANGE OF ADDRESS CARDS.

YES, THANK YOU, OWEN.

MOVING ON, LAST WEEK WAS

THE VILLAGE OF THE YEAR COMPETITION,

AND I'VE WRITTEN TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE,

THANKING THEM SO MUCH FOR PRINCE EDWARD'S VISIT.

HERE, HERE.

SHAME. I BEG YOUR PARDON?

NO, I'VE NOTHING AGAINST PRINCE EDWARD--

THOUGH I DON'T USUALLY TRUST BALD BLOKES--

I'M JUST SURPRISED, THOUGH,

THAT WE DON'T START WITH THE REVEREND'S DEATH.

WE DEALT WITH THAT BEFORE YOU ARRIVED, OWEN.

OH. NOW, MOVING ON--

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE ME TO READ THE MINUTES

BACK TO YOU, OWEN, SO YOU CAN CATCH UP.

I DON'T THINK THAT'LL BE NECESSARY.

WE DON'T NEED TO WASTE OUR WHOLE EVENING

BECAUSE OF OWEN'S DODGY WATERWORKS.

SHALL I MINUTE THAT?

NO, THANK YOU.

RIGHT...

UH, SHALL I LEAVE A GAP, THEN?

WHATEVER YOU THINK, FRANK.

WELL, IT'S--IT'S NOT GOING TO FLOW VERY WELL.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, FRANK, YOU ARE THE PERISH CLERK,

NOT ALFRED LORD TENNYSON.

RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, EVERYONE,

FOR THAT RATHER ANNOYING INTERLUDE.

BUT IF WE CAN MOVE ON TO THE QUESTION

OF THE SUCCESSOR TO REVEREND POTTLE...

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

WHAT, FRANK, WHAT?

WELL, YOU JUST DESCRIBED PRINCE EDWARD'S VISIT

AS A RATHER ANNOYING INTERLUDE.

I CERTAINLY DID NOT.

WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU DID, I...

I CUT THAT JOLLY INTERESTING BIT

ABOUT OWEN'S BLADDER.

SO, NOW IT READS,

"SO MUCH FOR PRINCE EDWARD'S VISIT,

"AND IF WE CAN MOVE ON

FROM THAT RATHER ANNOYING INTERLUDE."

OH, GOD.

LOOK, COULD WE GET ON?

I'VE GOT A WORRYING FEELING IN MY COLON.

UH... YES?

NOTHING.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT MINUTED, MRS. CROPLEY?

OH, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.

EXCELLENT.

"THEN MRS. CROPLEY SAID 'NOTHING.'"

MM.

NOW, MOVING ON,

I HAVE, OF COURSE, ASKED THE BISHOP

FOR SOMEONE A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN THE REVEREND POTTLE--

YES, PLEASE.

BUT THEN, I THINK IT WOULD BE HARD

TO FIND ANYONE OLDER--

WITHOUT ACTUALLY RECRUITING A MEMBER OF THE ROLLING STONES.

RIGHT, IF WE COULD QUICKLY MOVE ON THROUGH

TO THE PLANNING APPLICATIONS,

WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND ON PINK "7A."

THE HERBERTS WANT A NEW BARN--REJECTED.

THE FRANKLINS WANT A NEW KITCHEN--REJECTED.

AND MY SON HUGO, HERE, IS PUTTING UP A CONSERVATORY

FOR HIS SOUTH AMERICAN FLOWER COLLECTION,

WHICH I THINK SHOULD BE FINE.

EXCELLENT NEWS--SOMEWHERE FOR THE POOL TABLE, AT LAST.

RIGHT, ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

DEFINITELY NOT.

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

WE ALL MEET AGAIN IN A FORTNIGHT.

HAVE YOU GOT ALL THAT, FRANK?

YES--"WITHOUT ACTUALLY RECRUITING

A MEMBER OF THE ROLLING STONES."

WHAT COMES NEXT?

( dog barking )

FINALLY, WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THIS VILLAGE GOING AGAIN.

DO YOU REALIZE, AT LAST YEAR'S FETE,

"POTTY" POTTLE AWARDED THE PRIZE

FOR THE BEST CARROT TO A CUCUMBER?

YES. HE WAS LOSING IT A BIT.

THOUGH I DID AGREE THE BISHOP OF OXFORD

DESERVED FIRST PRIZE IN THE FANCY DRESS COMPETITION.

FOR BEING DRESSED AS A BISHOP?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HUH, BRILLIANT.

WELL, THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.

APPARENTLY, THIS NEW CHAP IS SUPERB,

PERSONALLY RECOMMENDED BY THE BISHOP OF WICKHAM.

ISN'T HE THAT DODGY ONE

WHO SAYS THAT JESUS DIDN'T EXIST?

AND EVEN IF HE DID,

HE DEFINITELY WASN'T A CHRISTIAN?

OH, IT'S ABOUT TIME WE HAD SOMEONE WITH HALF A BRAIN

ON THE PARISH COUNCIL.

( clears throat )

OH, YES, WELL...

APART FROM YOUR GOOD SELF.

AT LAST, WE CAN GIVE THAT FRIGHTFUL VERGER ALICE

THE HEAVE-HO.

WELL, I DON'T THINK SHE'D BE VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

WELL, TOUGH LUCK-- SHE'S A FAMOUS IMBECILE.

IN LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS CRIB,

SHE HAD THE VIRGIN MARY CRADLING A PIG,

AND THE BABY JESUS BEING SUCKLED

BY A BLACK GOAT.

BUT SHE'S AWFULLY KEEN.

YES, EDDIE THE EAGLE WAS VERY KEEN.

BUT THE KIND THING TO DO WOULD STILL HAVE BEEN

TO SHOOT HIM BETWEEN THE EYES

THE FIRST TIME HE PUT ON A PAIR OF SKIS.

NO...

I THINK THE NEW CHAP WILL SEE SENSE,

SACK ALICE, AND SACK MRS. CROPLEY.

I'VE SEEN BETTER FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS

ON A COMPOST HEAP.

WHISKEY?

PLEASE.

EXCELLENT STUFF.

KEEP IT FIRMLY LOCKED AWAY WHEN THE RABBLE COME ROUND.

THERE'S NO POINT WASTING GOOD LIQUOR

ON PEOPLE WHO JUST ADORE ASDA SWEET AMONTILLADO.

ACTUALLY, THAT IS LOVELY STUFF, ISN'T IT?

GOOD OLD ASDA.

OOH, SHERRY, WOW.

ONLY THE BEST HERE, MISS TINKER.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

Mrs. Cropley: SANDWICH?

OH, NO, THANK YOU.

ANCHOVY AND PEANUT BUTTER-- NOT QUITE MY CUP OF TEA.

FRANK, SHERRY?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LOVELY.

MY FAVOURITE.

THERE WE ARE.

CHEERS.

JIM?

NO, NO, NO, NO NO, NO, NO--YES.

THERE WE ARE,

DON'T DRINK IT ALL AT ONCE, TOP STUFF.

( loud throat clearing )

AS YOU ALL KNOW, WE'RE ALL GATHERED HERE

TO GREET OUR NEW VICAR.

I'M SORRY IT'S SUCH AN AWFUL NIGHT,

I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING.

THOUGH YOU DID GET OUR CAT FIXED, DIDN'T YOU?

( doorbell rings )

I THINK OUR NEW VICAR HAS ARRIVED.

EITHER THAT,

OR THE MILKMAN'S VERY LATE AGAIN.

HELLO? HELLO, COULD YOU HURRY?

IT'S PISSING DOWN OUT HERE.

IT'S RAINING VERY HARD NOW.

PLEASE?

OH, HELLO.

HELLO.

DAVID HONITON.

UH--HAWTREY. HORTON.

HORTON-- THAT'S THE CHAP.

COULD YOU JUST TAKE THESE WHILE I...?

CHEERS, BYE!

EXCUSE ME.

JUST GET PAST YOU, THANK YOU.

AH...THERE.

HELLO, I'M GERALDINE, BELIEVE YOU'RE EXPECTING ME.

NO, I'M EXPECTING OUR NEW VICAR.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE THE NEW VICAR,

AND THEY'VE LANDED US WITH A WOMAN,

AS SOME SORT OF INSANE JOKE.

OH, DEAR.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WERE EXPECTING A BLOKE-- BEARD, BIBLE, BAD BREATH.

YES, THAT SORT OF THING.

YEAH.

AND INSTEAD, YOU GOT A BABE WITH A BOB CUT,

AND A MAGNIFICENT BOSOM.

SO I SEE, YES.

WELL, DON'T WORRY, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU NEED A STIFF DRINK.

SO DO I.

COME ON, DAVID.

HELLO.

I'M GERALDINE-- CALL ME "GERRY."

DELIGHTED TO MEET YOU, I--I'M HUGO, CALL ME...

"HUGO."

RIGHT.

DO YOU MIND IF I SAY THAT THAT

IS A DEVASTATINGLY SMART TIE, HUGO?

IS IT?

YES. SHALL WE GO IN THERE?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR NEW VICAR.

HELLO-- GERALDINE.

BOO! HA HA HA HA!

HOW DO YOU DO? I--I'M FRANK PICKLE.

I TAKE THE MINUTES ON THE COUNCIL.

SPLENDID-- VERY IMPORTANT JOB.

DO FORGIVE ME IF I INSTANTLY FORGET

YOUR NAME, WON'T YOU?

I'M ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL WITH NAMES.

ASK ME TO NAME THE VIRGIN MARY'S ELDEST SON,

AND...NOPE, MIND'S GONE BLANK.

JESUS. THAT'S IT!

YES.

HELLO-- GERALDINE, "GERRY."

LETITIA--"LETTY," UH, CROPLEY.

I DO THE FLOWERS IN THE CHURCH.

OH, SPLENDID.

AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT IN THIS WEEK?

WELL, WE'RE IN MOURNING FOR THE REVEREND POTTLE.

OF COURSE, LOVELY.

CARNATIONS?

YES, AND, UH...

I THOUGHT I'D PUT IN A PINEAPPLE, AS WELL.

HMM...UNUSUAL.

AND--AND YOU ARE?

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO--JIM.

JIM?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NOT JIM?

NO, NO, NO-- YES, JIM.

GOOD!

GOOD.

AND FINALLY...?

DELIGHTED TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS MISS TINKER, SHE WAS THE VERGER

UNDER THE REVEREND POTTLE.

Geraldine: OH, SPLENDID!

DO YOU WANT TO GO ON WITH THE JOB?

OH, YES, PLEASE, MUM, I'D LIKE...

Geraldine: GOOD, GOOD.

DON'T CALL ME "MUM," SOUNDS LIKE THE QUEEN.

LOVELY LADY, BUT VERY ODD TASTE IN HATS,

DON'T YOU THINK, MISS TINKER?

YES, I DO.

YES, YES, YES.

YOU CAN CALL ME "ALICE."

RIGHT.

BECAUSE IT'S MY NAME.

RIGHT.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT ALL THIS IN THE MORNING.

YES, THANKS.

OOH! DO YOU MIND?

ABSOLUTELY HATE AMONTILLADO.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY WHISKEY, WOULD YOU?

UM, CERTAINLY, YES. GOOD.

I WOULDN'T MIND A WHISKEY, IF THERE'S ONE GOING.

ME, TOO.

JIM?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...

PLEASE YOURSELF.

YES, I'LL HAVE ONE.

( doorbell rings )

VERY UNUSUAL SANDWICHES.

WHAT'S THIS WITH THE HAM?

LEMON CURD.

GOOD LORD.

MIND IF I JUST POP IT DOWN THERE?

JUST FOR A MOMENT.

I'D LIKE TO SAY A BIG THANK YOU

TO ALL OF YOU FOR COMING ALONG

ON SUCH A HORRIBLE NIGHT,

WHEN YOU COULD BE IN WATCHING...

OOH, TOP OF THE POPS.

WE'RE MISSING TOP OF THE POPS.

ANYWAY, HERE'S CHEERS.

SORRY I'M LATE.

I'VE BEEN ON THE KHAZI SINCE SUNDOWN.

AH, OWEN.

THIS IS GERALDINE-- SHE'S THE NEW VICAR.

HELLO.

NO, SHE ISN'T.

WHY NOT?

SHE'S A WOMAN!

OH, YOU NOTICED.

THESE ARE SUCH A GIVEAWAY, AREN'T THEY?

EH?

WHISKEY, OWEN?

I THINK I MIGHT NEED ONE.

LET'S MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

OOH, DAVID, I THINK WE'LL BE NEEDING

ANOTHER BOTTLE SOON.

DID I SPOT A LITTLE GLENFIDDICH IN THERE?

DON'T THINK SO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, THERE IS.

OR WE COULD HAVE THAT REALLY EXPENSIVE SINGLE MALT

YOU WERE KEEPING FOR VERY SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

OOH, I THINK I FEEL A PARTY COMING ON.

CHEERS! HA HA HA HA!

David Horton: CAN I SPEAK TO THE BISHOP?

HE'S WHERE?

( cow lows )

OH, GOD, WHAT'S HE DOING THERE?

THEY'RE ALL MUSLIMS, AREN'T THEY?

REALLY?

TWENTY-FIVE MILLION CHRISTIANS?

OH, WELL, FAIR ENOUGH--

MORE THAN HERE.

BY ABOUT 25 MILLION.

LOOK, CAN I LEAVE A MESSAGE?

DAVID HORTON RANG,

IF HE COULD RING ME AS SOON AS HE RETURNS.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

I WON'T HAVE MY VILLAGE USED LIKE SOME LABORATORY ANIMAL

TO SEE IF WOMEN VICARS WORK.

OH, SHE SEEMED A DECENT SORT OF CHAP TO ME.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT-- SHE'S NOT A CHAP.

WELL, NO, NOT TECHNICALLY.

WELL, THAT IS QUITE A TECHNICALITY,

I MEAN, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

ARE WE TO HAVE TOPLESS BATHING

ON THE RECTORY LAWN, COME SUMMER?

THE OLD VICAR USED TO SUNBATHE TOPLESS, ACTUALLY.

YES, BUT HE WAS A MAN, SO IT DIDN'T MATTER.

OH, YES, WELL, IT PROBABLY DID,

BECAUSE HE HAD THAT SORT OF VERY FAIR SKIN

THAT BURNS TERRIBLY, AND I READ AN ARTICLE...

OH, GET A GRIP, HUGO.

IF JESUS WANTED WOMEN TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL,

HE WOULD HAVE APPOINTED THEM.

IT'S MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE, AND JOHN,

NOT SHARON, TRACY, TARA, AND DEBBIE.

NO, IT WON'T DO.

HUGO, I WANT YOU TO CALL AN EXTRAORDINARY MEETING

OF THE COUNCIL.

WE'LL GET THIS DONE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

THEY DON'T CALL ME "SPORTIN' HORTON" FOR NOTHING.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY CALLED YOU "SPORTIN' HORTON."

I THOUGHT THEY CALLED YOU "DIRTY DAVID,"

BECAUSE OF YOUR ENORMOUS COLLECTION

OF VICTORIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, SHUT UP.

Geraldine: THIS IS SO EXCITING FOR ME...

Owen: WELL, IT CAN'T BE RIGHT, CAN IT, REALLY?

Jim: WHAT'S THAT?

Owen: HAVING A WOMAN VICAR.

I MEAN, JESUS DIDN'T HAVE WOMEN DISCIPLES, DID HE?

NO.

BUT THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE, DON'T THEY?

THAT'S RIGHT, I--I MEAN,

LOOK AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE,

THERE'D BE TERRIBLE CONGESTION, WOULDN'T THERE?

ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE'S GRAVITY.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

IF GRAVITY CHANGED,

WE'D ALL GO FLOATIN' UP INTO SPACE.

AND NO ONE WANTS THAT.

SO, THERE'S GOOD CHANGE, AND BAD CHANGE.

THAT'S RIGHT, I MEAN...

THERE'S THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD, ISN'T THERE?

OH, WONDERFUL.

AND THEN THERE'S PRAWN-FLAVOURED CRISPS.

DISASTER.

WELL, HERE WE ARE, NUMBER TWO--BASE CAMP.

AAH...

WELL...

FROM HERE, WE LAUNCH OUR GREAT MISSION.

WITH, OF COURSE--

PROPER RATIONS.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ME THROUGH A FEW THINGS.

OH, YEAH.

WHAT KIND OF CROWD ARE WE PULLING

TO THE SUNDAY GIGS HERE?

OOH, UH...

'BOUT FOUR.

CROWD OF FOUR. YEAH.

ON A GOOD DAY.

WELL...

FOUR'S NOT BAD, IS IT?

I MEAN, THERE WERE FOUR GOSPELS,

FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.

FOUR ROCKY MOVIES, TILL THEY MADE ROCKY V.

VERY BAD MOVE, I THOUGHT.

WELL, IT MAY GO UP TO FIVE

IF MR. NEWITT'S BOWELS SETTLE DOWN.

WELL, LET ME JUST GET THIS STRAIGHT.

WE'VE GOT MRS. CROPLEY, MR. PICKLE, MR. HORTON--

OH, SOMETIMES HUGO COMES--

BUT NOT VERY OFTEN.

SO, WHO'S THE FOURTH ONE?

MR. NEWITT, I MENTIONED.

WITH THE BOWELS.

NO, NO, NO, NO,

HE WAS THE FIFTH ONE, WASN'T HE?

WAS HE?

OH, YES.

OH, UH--UM...

WELL, Mrs. Cropley, Mister Pickle...

OH, ME!

THICKNESS...

WELL, WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?

OH, CHRISTMAS, WELL, THAT'S SPECIAL.

GOOD, HOW MANY?

THREE.

MRS. CROPLEY ALWAYS GOES TO VISIT HER SISTER.

I SEE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, ALICE?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT

IN CHARGE OF CROWD CONTROL HERE?

I HELP THE TEACHER AT THE NURSERY SCHOOL.

OH.

ART'S MY FORTE.

SO IT IS.

REVEREND POTTLE SAID THAT I WAS, UM,

AN UNDISCOVERED GENIUS.

DID HE? YES.

DID HE?

VERY REMARKABLE MAN.

YES.

NOW, LET'S SEE...

AH...OH!

OOH--RIBENA.

YUM, YUM. SUNDAY SCHOOL?

NO, FOR HOLY COMMUNION.

UNORTHODOX.

WELL...

THE REVEREND HAD A TENDENCY

TO GET A LITTLE TIPSY,

SO, I USED IT INSTEAD OF WINE TO AVOID...

( mimics being drunk )

QUITE RIGHT.

I MEAN, I'M SURE IF THIS STUFF

HAD BEEN AROUND AT THE LAST SUPPER,

OUR LORD HIMSELF MIGHT HAVE HAD A SWIG,

YOU KNOW, TO KEEP A CLEAR HEAD

FOR ALL THOSE DIFFICULT QUESTIONS

PILATE WAS GOING TO ASK HIM.

WHAT IS TRUTH?

SORRY?

OH, THAT WAS A QUESTION THAT PILATE ASKED,

"WHAT IS TRUTH?"

SO HE DID.

GOOD OLD PILATE.

SORT OF MAGNUS MAGNUSSON OF PALESTINE, WASN'T HE?

YEAH. "NAME?"

"JESUS."

"PROFESSION?"

"SAVIOUR OF MANKIND."

"AND FOR YOUR SPECIALIST SUBJECT, JESUS,

"YOU HAVE CHOSEN CATERING.

"YOUR FIRST QUESTION-- HOW MANY LOAVES AND FISHES

DOES IT TAKE TO FEED 5,000 PEOPLE?"

"UM...PASS!"

OH, GOD, ALICE.

DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?

OH, OF COURSE!

I'M GONNA SUPPORT YOU ALL THE WAY.

WELL, THEN, WE CAN'T FAIL, CAN WE?

NO. I KNOW A LOT ABOUT TROPICAL FISH,

AS WELL.

SPLENDID.

SPLENDID.

THEN WE SHALL BE FISHERS OF MEN.

YES. YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THEM...

I'M AFRAID.

HMM.

WATCH AND LEARN, KID.

WATCH AND LEARN.

SO, I HAVE DRAFTED A LETTER WHICH ASKS

THAT SHE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY BE REMOVED

FROM HER NEW POSITION.

IF YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS,

IF YOU WANT OUR VILLAGE

TO BECOME A NATIONAL LAUGHINGSTOCK,

OR IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE

WHAT MOST RIGHT-THINKING ANGLICANS

STILL THINK IS HERESY,

DO SPEAK UP NOW.

OH, TERRIBLY SORRY I'M LATE.

VISITING MY NEW PARISHIONERS.

HONESTLY, I THINK THEY'D BE LESS SURPRISED

IF THE NEW VICAR HAD BEEN MR. BLOBBY.

YEAH, LA-DE-DA.

ANYWAY, CHALLENGES, CHALLENGES.

MISS ANYTHING IMPORTANT?

UH, WELL, THERE IS ONE THING.

WE HAVE DRAFTED A LETTER TO THE BISHOP.

OH, GREAT-- BERTIE SAYS

ALL HE EVER GETS ARE DULL CIRCULARS,

ASKING HIM WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD OWN UP TO THE FACT

THAT MOST PRIESTS ARE AS GAY AS LARRY HAGMAN.

DO I MEAN LARRY HAGMAN?

SHALL WE GET ON?

GRAYSON, THAT'S IT, GRAYSON.

"SHUT THAT DOOR" IS A LARRYISM.

FRANK, AS SECRETARY TO THE COUNCIL,

I THINK, PERHAPS, YOU SHOULD READ IT.

WELL, I'D RATHER NOT, THANK YOU, MR. HORTON.

JIM?

RIGHT, I--I'LL READ IT.

( clears throat )

FROM THE DIBLEY PARISH COUNCIL...

SORRY I'M LATE.

IT'S LIKE THE BIG RIDE AT ALTON TOWERS IN MY INNARDS.

I'M READING A LETTER

FROM THE COUNCIL TO THE BISHOP.

OH, YEAH.

"MY LORD, WE ARE VERY SORRY

"TO TAKE UP YOUR VALUABLE TIME,

BUT A VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT HAS ARISEN."

YES, SORRY-- IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION,

BUT PERHAPS YOU COULD MENTION

HIS TRIP TO AFRICA.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE,

"WELCOME BACK FROM YOUR TRIUMPHANT CONFERENCE."

PUT IT LIKE THAT, HE'LL BE PUTTY IN YOUR HAND.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HUGO, ANOTHER STUNNING TIE.

GIRLS JUST AREN'T SAFE, ARE THEY?

"WELCOME BACK FROM YOUR TRIUMPHANT CONFERENCE."

EXCELLENT.

WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT,

HE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO REFUSE YOU NOW.

"WE ARE VERY SORRY

TO TAKE UP YOUR VALUABLE TIME."

GOOD! GOOD.

"BUT A VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT HAS ARISEN.

"AS YOU ARE AWARE, YOUR NEW CHOICE

"FOR VICAR HERE HAS NOW ARRIVED,

"AND WE MUST SAY THAT WE ARE ALL

"DEEPLY UNHAPPY ABOUT HER.

"WE FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT SHE WILL NOT

"FIT IN WITH OUR COMMUNITY AT ALL.

"WE ARE PROFOUNDLY ANGRY THAT WE SHOULD BE USED

"AS AN EXPERIMENT GROUND

"FOR THE MORE FRIVOLOUS EXCESSES

"OF THE MODERN CHURCH,

"AND WOULD ASK YOU IMMEDIATELY AND URGENTLY

TO RECONSIDER THIS DISASTROUS APPOINTMENT,"

AND IT'S SIGNED,

"FROM THE DIBLEY PARRISH COUNCIL."

PHEW...

WELL, YOU...

CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO WIND A GIRL.

THAT'S ALL OF YOU, IS IT?

YES, IT IS.

EXCEPT ME, ACTUALLY.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

"POTTY" POTTLE WAS A REGULAR OLD WOMAN.

AND IF WE HAVE TO HAVE A LASS,

I'D MUCH PREFER IT WAS A YOUNG ONE.

PARTICULARLY, IF I MAY SAY SO,

ONE WITH SUCH INTERESTING TASTE IN JUMPERS.

OH.

THANK YOU.

MY GRANDMA KNITTED THIS.

SHE'S BLIND.

DID WE ACTUALLY VOTE ON IT?

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO--I DON'T KNOW.

OF COURSE, WE DID!

I-I'LL JUST CHECK THAT.

NO.

IN FACT, WE SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN TO VOTE.

OH, EXCELLENT, THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

YES, BUT WE HAD ALL AGREED.

I HADN'T.

LET'S HAVE THE VOTE.

I PROPOSE WE GIVE THE REVEREND A CHANCE--

AT LEAST SEE HOW SHE DOES ON SUNDAY.

RIGHT!

ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR

OF MR. NEWITT'S EXCELLENT PROPOSITION,

Hugo: Bravo.

ALL THOSE AGAINST?

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT THE PROOF OF THE PUDDING

WILL BE IN THE EATING.

I THINK YOU WILL FIND THAT OUR LITTLE COMMUNITY

DOES NOT REACT WELL TO THE INDIGNITY

OF A VICAR IN HIGH HEELS,

AND RALLIES BEHIND ME IN THE DESIRE TO KEEP UP

THE TRADITIONS THAT HAVE MADE THIS VILLAGE--

AND THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND-- WHAT THEY ARE TODAY.

I TAKE IT THAT'S A "NO"?

YES.

GOD, YOUR FATHER IS HANDSOME WHEN HE'S ANGRY, ISN'T HE?

( church bell tolling )

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT.

AMEN.

Congregation: AMEN.

I'D LIKE TO START BY SINGING ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH,

BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A THRILL TO SEE SO MANY OF YOU HERE.

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD STICK WITH TRADITION,

AND SING HYMN NUMBER 199.

♪ IMMORTAL ♪

♪ INVISIBLE ♪

♪ GOD ONLY WISE ♪

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU WERE SURPRISED TO FIND

THAT YOUR VICAR'S A WOMAN.

NOT AS SURPRISED AS ME.

ALL THE WAY THROUGH MY TEENS,

I WAS CONVINCED THAT, NATURALLY,

I WOULD BECOME A SUPERMODEL,

AND MARRY EITHER ERIC CLAPTON OR DAVID SOUL,

AS YOU DO.

AND THEN ONE DAY, I READ THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT,

AND IT WAS SO FANTASTIC,

THAT WAS IT.

I DECIDED THERE AND THEN TO ABANDON THE CATWALK,

AND GIVE THE DOG COLLAR A TRY.

SO, HERE I AM--

AT YOUR SERVICE, TOTALLY YOURS,

ANYTIME, ANY DAY.

ALTHOUGH IF YOU COME TO SEE ME FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,

WEAR DARK GLASSES,

BECAUSE BEFORE MY FACE FALLS INTO PLACE,

I LOOK FRIGHTENINGLY LIKE BERNARD MANNING.

NO, IT'S TRUE, I DO, IT'S SCARY.

NOW, LET'S SING HYMN NUMBER 300.

AND I ALWAYS THINK IT SOUNDS BEST

IF YOU SHOUT ON THE "BREAD OF HEAVEN" BIT.

♪ BREAD OF HEAVEN ♪

♪ BREAD OF HEAVEN ♪

♪ FEED ME NOW AND EVERMORE ♪

♪ AND EVERMORE ♪

♪ FEED ME NOW AND EVERMORE ♪

MARKS OUT OF TEN, ALICE?

SEVENTEEN.

( knock on door ) COME IN.

OH, OWEN, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

MISSED MOST OF IT, I'M AFRAID.

OTHERWISE ENGAGED.

OH, STOMACH STILL BAD?

TO BE FRANK, IT'S LIKE THE BATTLE OF THE SOMME

DOWN THERE.

I'M SORRY. JIM, DID YOU ENJOY IT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, THANKS. YOU'RE WELCOME.

WELL, YOU'LL DEFINITELY BE STAYING ON NOW.

OH, YES, YOU WILL.

All: YES.

FINGERS CROSSED.

NO, IT'S DEAD CERTAIN.

I HAVEN'T BEEN MORE CERTAIN OF ANYTHING

SINCE I OPENED THE ENVELOPE TELLING ME

HOW MANY "O" LEVELS I'D PASSED.

HOW MANY DID YOU PASS?

NONE, I'M AFRAID.

IT'S THE MOST PEOPLE WE'VE HAD IN THE CHURCH

SINCE THAT LADY GODIVA THING THREE YEARS AGO.

OH, WHAT WAS THAT?

WE WERE CELEBRATING THE SUMMER SOLSTICE.

WE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO RE-ENACT LADY GODIVA.

NO, NO, NO, NO! THAT'S MY DRESS.

( clear throat )

LOT OF PEOPLE TURNED UP,

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS RATHER DISAPPOINTING.

LADY GODIVA WEARING A BODY STOCKING?

NO--SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY STARK NAKED.

WOW.

WELL, I HADN'T HAD TIME TO GO TO THE HAIRDRESSER,

SO I WASN'T LOOKING MY BEST.

I BET YOU WERE...

YOU SAUCE-POT.

♪ SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY ♪

♪ SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪

♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ AND I WILL DWELL ♪

♪ IN THE HOUSE ♪

♪ OF THE LORD FOREVER ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪

SO, THERE'S THIS NUN, RIGHT?

AND SHE'S HAVING A BATH,

AND A KNOCK COMES ON THE DOOR.

OH, DEAR. YEAH.

AND SHE SAYS, "WHO IS IT?"

AND THE REPLY COMES, "IT'S THE BLIND MAN.

CAN I COME IN?"

AND SHE THINKS FOR A MINUTE,

AND SHE SAYS, "YES, COME IN."

SO, THIS CHAP COMES IN AND SAYS, "NICE TITS,

WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG THE BLIND?"

OH!

NO, NO.

MM, MM, MM, MM.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.