All language subtitles for Russia Punished & Media Shocked by Invasion in “Relatively Civilized” Ukraine The Daily Show.eng.eng

It has been four days

since Russian troops rolled
into neighboring Ukraine,

touching off the largest
European conflict

since World War II,

or when Harry and Meghan
left the royals.

So let's do it, people.

Let's catch up
on all the latest developments

in our newest segment,
"The War in Ukraine."

♪ ♪

As the pandemic started
winding down,

people all across the world
have been thinking

about what they're going to do
as the world opens up, you know?

Spend more time with family,
find a better work-life balance,

stitch all your old masks
together into a giant mask,

and then use that
as a comfort blanket.

But Vladimir Putin clearly
had very different

post-pandemic plans--
invading a sovereign country.

And you know, for years,
people have said

that Russia
might invade Ukraine

because it's always been
Putin's wet dream

to reunite the Soviet Union,
you know?

Sort of the same way
Disney wants

to tie all
of its franchises together.

Yeah, now Mickey
is fighting Thanos?

I mean, it's weird...
but profitable.

So, yeah,
Putin has done the unthinkable.

And in response, almost
every nation around the world

has gone "Yo, my man,
that is not cool."

Much of the world is
trying to tighten its grip

around Russia to get Vladimir
Putin to back off Ukraine.

NEWSMAN: For the first
time ever, the EU will

finance the purchase and
delivery of weapons to Ukraine.

Similarly, the United States,
for the first time, has approved

the direct delivery of
Stinger missiles to Ukraine

as part of a package
approved by the White House.

That decision came on the heels
of Germany's announcement

that it will send
500 Stinger missiles and

other weapons and supplies to
Ukraine. This was a historic

break from Germany's post-World
War II foreign policy.

NEWSMAN 2: The president is
joining with European allies by

kicking most Russian
banks out of SWIFT,

an international banking
messaging system that

makes global
transactions easier.

New sanctions will also target
Russia's Central Bank,

and allies are beginning to
target Russian oligarchs with

ties to Putin, who shield his
wealth in offshore accounts.

NEWSWOMAN: Russian planes and
private jets from oligarchs

can no longer fly over
dozens of countries.

The European Union and Canada
are banning the flights

from their airspace.

Air France also
just announced that it has

suspended
service from Russia.

Yeah, that's right.

They're cutting off banking,
they're arming their enemies,

and on top of that,

airlines are stopping
flights to and from Russia,

which, in my opinion, might be
one of the worst things.

Because, I mean, the best part
about going to Russia

is that you can
fly out of Russia.

Now they don't even have that.
And If there's one thing

that tells you how big
these sanctions are,

it's that the Swiss
have gotten involved.

Like, you understand
how big that is, right?

The Swiss don't get
involved in anything.

Anything!

The Swiss don't
get involved in war.

They don't get
involved in alliances.

My dad didn't get involved
in my life... (whimpers)

I would ask him to hug
me, and he'd tell me

that his official policy
was to stay neutral.

I mean, think about it.
Think about this for a moment.

Putin's move is so crazy

that Germany is like,

"It's time for us as Germany

to rebuild our military!"

And the world is like,
"Yeah! I hope."

Now, beyond
all the blocking flights

and arming Ukraine,
one of the biggest moves

that Europe and America
are taking right now

is cutting Russia off
of SWIFT, right?

Which is huge. Which is huge.

Like, we're talking no Folklore.

No 1989.

Not even the short version
of "All Too Well," which...

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, it's a different SWIFT.
Wh-What is...

Oh, it's an international
banking system

that verifies transactions
across the globe.

Oh.

Well, I mean, they should
probably change their name,

'cause that's confusing,
you know?

Anyway, what Russia has done
has gotten the world so riled up

that it's not just
the governments

that are responding to this war.

No, everyone around the world

is finding their own way
to show Putin

that he's an asshole.

Major news
from the sports world.

The world soccer organization
FIFA

is banning Russian teams
from all of their games.

The organization
issuing statements today

banning Russian clubs
and national teams

from all competition
until further notice.

FIFA says it stands
in "full solidarity

with all of the people affected
in Ukraine."

NEWSWOMAN:
The European Broadcasting Union

has banned Russia
from participating

in this year's
Eurovision Song Contest.

And back here at home,
several governors

around the United States
are asking stores

to pull Russian products
off their shelves.

A restaurant in Las Vegas
went out in the street

and poured all of their bottles
of Russian vodka out

onto the street.

They'll be offering
Ukrainian vodka instead.

NEWSMAN: Formula 1
dropped the Russian Grand Prix

from the season's
racing calendar,

and the International
Olympic Committee

also urging sports federations
to move or cancel their events

in Russia and Belarus.

NEWSWOMAN 2: And the
International Judo Federation

suspending Putin's status
as honorary president

and ambassador
of the federation.

Yeah. No World Cup for Putin.

No Eurovision Song Contest
for Putin.

No more being president of the
International Judo Federation.

And in case
you're wondering, yes,

he will no longer be allowed
to host this year's Oscars.

Which I was kind of
looking forward to.

It was gonna be interesting.

Now, I know a lot of people
out there are wondering.

They're like,
"Aw, man, who cares?

"I mean, they're having
their economy destroyed.

"Who cares if people
are pouring out vodka?

Who cares if...?" But, people,

this actually makes
a difference, all right?

South Africa
had sanctions on it,

which was really bad back
in the day during the apartheid.

But it was the collective idea
around the world

that people
were not for what was happening

that sort of spurred
a lot of the change.

And don't forget,
oftentimes in life,

it's the little things
that hurt the most.

You think they're small,
but they get to you.

You know?
Like, think of it this way.

Would you rather be shot

or blocked by your ex? Hmm?

Oh, and just by the way,

now that Russia is not gonna be
playing in the World Cup,

I mean, that means there's
gonna be an open spot, right?

I'm just saying, FIFA,

if you want to hook
South Africa up with that spot,

you know, we've never invaded
another country.

(chuckles): You know,
we barely even have a military.

So if you're interested,
shoot me a DM. (kisses)

I see you, FIFA.

So, practically every
democracy in the world right now

is coming down hard
against Russia.

And it actually might
be having an effect,

because just this morning
the two countries

held five hours of peace talks,
which is good.

Although Russia did continue
bombing Ukrainian cities

the whole time that the peace
talks were happening,

which is not a good sign.

I mean, bombing a country
during your peace talks

is like bringing your side chick
to couples therapy.

Doesn't exactly
inspire confidence.

Yeah, she's the problem.

But don't get it twisted--

Russia is feeling the effects

of the world clamping down,

especially the economic affects.

NEWSWOMAN: The value
of the Russian ruble

hitting an all-time low
this morning.

The first business day
since harsh sanctions

were imposed against Moscow
for waging war on Ukraine.

Now European operations
for one state-owned Russian bank

are already facing
bankruptcy, saying

in a press release, they're
"failing or likely to fail."

NEWSWOMAN 2: Long lines
of Russians waiting at ATMs

after days
of punishing sanctions

levied on Moscow by the West.

Many Russians are worried
their bank cards

will stop working or that banks
will limit cash withdrawals.

Well, damn.
If Putin's goal was

to bring back the glory days
of the Soviet Union,

people waiting hours in long
lines is definitely a start.

And, please, don't get me wrong,
don't get me wrong.

I-I don't like the fact
that ordinary Russians

are suffering for
what Putin is doing.

I don't like that.

But then again, if they didn't
want him as president,

they shouldn't have reelected
him with 107% of the vote.

But the big question now
is what will Putin do

in the face
of a cratering economy

and a war that is not as easy
as he probably wanted?

Well, apparently his plan

is to make things
a whole lot worse.

Ukraine, in a dramatic
escalation in the crisis there,

Russia's military confirms
this morning that the country's

nuclear forces have indeed
been put on high alert.

President Vladimir Putin
calls it a response to

"aggressive statements
by NATO leaders."

NEWSMAN: Mr. Putin is becoming
even more desperate.

Uh, it's showing that
his military progress

is failing on the ground,
that he has to resort

to this kind of threat. He is
pushing his inner circle away.

We saw him publicly humiliating
his closest advisors.

That's what's most concerning.
Nobody there

to prevent
a catastrophic misstep.

Aw, man, this is not good.

Putin is threatening

by "activating" his nuclear...

Wh-what does that even mean?

He's like,
"Getting my nuclear team ready."

For what?
For what, Putin?

You realize
this is not a good thing.

Putin is going nuclear

and there's no one there
to stop him?

See, people? This is why
every crazy world leader

needs a pasty son-in-law
by his side.

Yeah. Keeps them in check.

'Cause no father-in-law
wants to act the fool

in front of the man who's
banging his daughter, you know?

Now, before you panic,
before you panic,

I know they said "nuclear"
and I know they said "Putin,"

but please take a breath.

Yes, the threat of nuclear
annihilation may have increased.

Yes, we may be on the brink
of World War III.

And, yes, Europe is once again
at the mercy

of one power-hungry dictator.

But on the bright side...

when was the last time
you thought about COVID?

Huh?

Huh?

But still, man,
this invasion of Ukraine

has put the world on edge.

And it has amounted to one
of the most dramatic weeks

in a really long time.

Like, I don't know about you,

but I have been glued to the TV
all weekend,

watching all the news,
everything.

And beyond the war itself-- I
will say this, I will say this--

beyond the war,

there's a really interesting
thing that I learned,

and that is
a lot of people on TV

didn't expect a war like this
to happen in,

let's say,

certain neighborhoods.

This is not a developing
third world nation.

This is Europe.

NEWSMAN: These are prosperous
middle-class people.

These are not people
trying to get away

from areas in North Africa.

They look like
any European family

that you would live
next door to.

What could be a difference here
from other conflicts,

you know, that could seem
very far away, you know,

in Africa or Middle East
or whatever, I mean,

these are Europeans that
we're seeing, uh, being killed.

This isn't a place,
with all due respect,

u-um, you know,
like Iraq or Afghanistan.

You know, this is
a relatively civilized,

uh, relatively European--

I have to choose those words
carefully, too--

uh, city
where you wouldn't expect that

or hope
that it's going to happen.

Wow.

That was you
choosing your words carefully?

That was the careful version?

So what were you gonna say

if you weren't choosing
your words carefully?

"I just hope the next time
this happens

it happens back in the
Middle East where it belongs."

Here's the thing, people.
Here's the thing.

Beyond the racism, right? Like,
let's-let's forget the racism.

Oh, how I wish we could forget
about the racism.

You do realize that,
until very recently,

fighting crazy wars
was Europe's thing.

That was Europe's entire thing.

That's all of European history.

They even had something called
the Hundred Years' War.

You understand how long that is.
That's, like, a decade.

(chuckling)

They got a Nobel Prize
because they stopped fighting.

Imagine that.

Now people are gonna be like,
"Oh, to see this in-in Europe,

to see this."

Like, I'll tell you now--
I don't know about you,

but I was shocked to see how
many reporters around the world,

by the way, seem to think
that it's more of a tragedy

when white people have
to flee their countries.

Because I guess, what,
the darkies were built for it?

"I mean, you see how they run
in the Olympics, Peter.

Clearly, God has given them
this talent for a reason."

"I totally agree. I mean,
even if this wasn't a war,

"these people would probably be
fleeing their homes for fun.

"It's just who they are.
(chuckles)

Back to you guys in the studio."

Obviously, the people facing
the greatest impact from the war

are the Ukrainian people
themselves.

Half a million people
have been forced

to leave their homes, and they
fled to neighboring countries.

Hundreds of civilians have
reportedly been killed,

and countless others are huddled
in basements, bomb shelters

and subway stations
to avoid Russian missiles

that are raining down
on their neighborhoods.

In fact, one woman
even gave birth

while she was hiding out
in the subway,

which is terrible.

I mean, the only silver lining
I could think was

that at least it wasn't
the New York subway, you know?

'Cause that newborn would have
been kicked by a subway dancer

and then arrested
for not paying their fare.

But still, there is no doubt

that this war has been
devastating for Ukraine.

But at the same time,
it's also clear

that Putin has failed miserably

in his attempt
to break the country's spirit.

Because I don't know about you,
man, but I've been on Twitter

basically nonstop
since this war started.

Just refreshing,
refreshing, refreshing.

You know, doing my part.

So I've seen all the videos
coming out of this war.

And trust me, Ukrainians
are not messing around.

-♪ ♪ -The troops defending
Ukraine's Snake Island,

as it's called,
in the Black Sea,

instantly became the country's
first heroes of the resistance,

thanks to this stunning exchange
with Russian forces.

TONY McEWING:
This clip shows a man.

It looks like
he's carrying an anti-tank mine.

He did this while managing to
keep his cigarette in his mouth.

NEWSWOMAN: This is the sort
of extraordinary resistance

Russia is facing here.

100 miles northeast of Kyiv,

a man tries
to block a Russian tank.

He kneels in front of it,

determined to stop
it in its tracks.

NEWSWOMAN 2: Officials believe
this will be a Pyrrhic victory

for Vladimir Putin, symbolized
by that Ukrainian grandmother

who confronted
the Russian soldier.

After berating him, she handed
him some sunflower seeds

to put in his pocket
and then said

she looks forward
to seeing sunflowers grow

when his dead body lies down
on Ukrainian soil.

Okay, I'm not
a military strategist at all.

But if a grandmother hands
me seeds and tells me

that sunflowers will
bloom from my corpse,

I think it's time to retreat.

And I also love how
her aggression was

still on-brand for a grandma.

Like, she's
wishing him death, yes,

but she is also doing
gardening at the same time.

You know? The only way it could
have been more grandma

is if she used his blood to
spell out a message asking

why her grandson
isn't married yet.

And you know what? Just, by
the way, just by the way,

One of the strangest
experiences of the modern world

is following
a war on social media.

Because all the other stuff on
social media doesn't go away,

it just gets
mixed in together.

Like my-my whole
timeline this week was

Ukrainian
civilians picking up weapon,

rocket hitting a building--

--Uncut Gems--

Tanks rolling
into Kyiv--

--Uncut gems...--

Uniting the people of Ukraine!

Did I say Uncut Gems?

But those people that
we're seeing in Ukraine,

those are the
ones who've just gone viral.

One of the reasons Ukraine
has been able to put up such a

fierce resistance to Russia
is because everybody-- and

I mean everybody-- is stepping
up and joining the fight.

NEWSWOMAN: Across this
country, we've seen volunteers

who've taken up arms, while
others are making

Molotov cocktails, including
this group of women

who've set up an assembly line.

NEWSWOMAN 2: Painter Natasha
Tkachenko says she's

put down her brush, now
mastering the art of

making a Molotov cocktail,

hunkering down with her
neighbors in the parking garage

of their apartment
building-turned-bomb shelter

and makeshift factory.

Similar scenes across the
country...

NEWSMAN: (speaking foreign
language beneath)

....with how-to instructions
broadcast on state TV.

Even the former Prime Minister
now going viral with his

-demonstration. -NEWSWOMAN 2:
The government encouraging

all Ukrainians
to take up arms and fight.

This man leaves with
two AK-47s,

even though he's
never fired a gun.

MAN: (speaking foreign language)

Do you know how to use that?

Uh, to tell t-the truth,
I am not good at it,

but I understand.

I just need to-to, uh,
to find some quiet place

and figure out how it works.

Wow. Can you believe it?

That guy was just given
two assault rifles

even though
he has never fired a gun.

I mean, if you're American,
you can believe it, of course,

but for everyone else
in the world, this is crazy.

And how insane is it
that Ukrainian public television

is actually teaching people,
teaching people

how to make Molotov cocktails?

You understand
how insane that is, right?

Like, imagine if
during the Cuban Missile Crisis,

Mr. Rogers had come out like,

"All right, kids,
I'm gonna show you

how to kill
your Communist neighbor."

Now, when you talk
about Ukrainians

stepping up to this moment,

one big part
of this resistance movement

is Ukraine's president himself,
Volodymyr Zelensky.

Who, by the way,

nobody thought would be able
to lead his country.

Like, even less so
in a war against Russia.

All right? And the reason
people had their doubts

is because just four years ago,

Zelensky
wasn't even in politics.

He was a comedian. Yeah.

He was acting in TV shows,

busting moves
on Dancing with the Stars.

And this is completely real.
This is completely real.

He even showed up on a TV show

where he pretended
to play the piano

with his penis.

(piano playing "Hava Nagila")

(audience clapping rhythmically)

See?

This is why I always wipe down
the piano with Lysol

before I play. Yeah.

I don't want my penis touching
the same keys as someone else.

But you see that guy?
See that guy?

You watch that clip, you're
like, "Huh! That's ridiculous."

He's the president of Ukraine
right now.

Yeah. He's the guy
who has to rally his country

against an overwhelming
Russian invasion.

And despite everyone's doubts

and everything
that they thought he would be,

this man has more
than stepped up to the occasion.

NEWSWOMAN:
With his country in crisis...

-(speaking Ukrainian)
-...Ukraine's president,

Volodymyr Zelensky,
is the very definition

of leading from the front,

sharing videos of himself
on the street

to reassure his people
that he's still in the country.

He's braving Russian missiles
and air strikes

and telling Ukrainians,
"You are strong.

You are unbroken."

He reportedly turned down
a U.S. offer

to help him evacuate, saying,

"I need ammunition, not a ride."

Damn.

That's hella gangster.

"I need ammunition, not a ride."

That's some action movie shit
right there.

Meanwhile,
Trump was hiding underground

when people came with placards
to the White House.

There's so many words
out there, hide me.

And you got to give Zelensky
credit for refusing

to flee the country,
because that's not just brave

for a comedian,
that's brave for any leader.

Any leader. I mean,
when is the last time

you saw something
like this, right?

Most of the time,
when leaders are in danger

of getting overthrown
or there's a war or something,

they're the first ones

to grab a suitcase full of cash
and bounce.

Yeah. They'll be like,

"We must defend this country
to the death.

Your death, though.
I'm going to Switzerland."

But Zelensky-- no.
He's standing his ground.

And maybe even
going down with the ship,

which has turned him
into an international hero.

So, for more on this, let's
go out now to another hero,

our very own Michael Kosta,
who is reporting live

from the center of the conflict
in Ukraine.

Michael, can you hear me
right now

and, most importantly,
are you safe?

Yes, Trevor, I'm safe.
Thanks for asking.

War is hell, but I am
doing the best that I can.

Well, I'm sorry--
Michael, is that

the Eiffel Tower behind you?
Are you-are you in Paris?

Aren't you... aren't you
supposed to be in Kyiv?

Oh, no way, man,
there's a war over there.

Haven't you heard?

Paris is as close as
I'm gonna get to all that.

It's not like
it's so easy here, either.

The waiters are so rude.

Michael, I'm disappointed
in you. Come on.

We spoke abou... I thought
you were going, like... Man.

Especially after
seeing how brave

President Zelensky has been,
you should be as brave.

You're a fellow comedian,
you should be proud

of the example
that he's setting.

Proud? This Zelensky thing

is a disaster for us, Trevor.

People are gonna
see this comedian being brave

and they're gonna think
we're all brave.

I did not become a comedian
to be brave.

I became a comedian to eat free
chicken fingers at comedy clubs.

A if a Russian
ever threatened me,

I would not
be standing my ground,

I'd be learning
how to make borscht

the way that he likes it.

Another one, uh,
but this time a white one.

-Good wine.
-Well, you know what, Kosta,

I'm disappointed.
And that is just you, my friend.

Because I'm a comedian,
and I'm inspired by Zelensky

-stepping up to fight.
-Oh, really?

So, uh, you want
my train ticket to Kyiv

so you can
fight on the front lines?

Well, I mean, I-I think I have
more value here at the show,

you know, getting the word
out to the people,

-informing them about...
-Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Admit it: you're a coward.

There's no world leader
inside of you, Trevor.

It's just more chicken fingers.

-Okay, fine.
I'm not brave either. -Yeah.

But I still think it's inspiring
to see one of our own

be brave, you know?
Yeah, Trevor, you're not really

grasping what's at stake here.

It's not just about
fighting in wars.

After seeing Zelensky, people
are gonna expect comedians

to do all sorts
of selfless acts now--

stopping crime,

responding to AMBER Alerts.

Just this morning, someone
asked me to hold the elevator.

I'm still shaking from that.

Just imagine if I'd
actually held it for her.

Well, you know something, Kosta?

I think that, in your own way,

you actually are brave.

-Yeah. -Yeah, I mean, not many
people would have the guts

to sound like
that much of an asshole on TV.

I'm actually really inspired,
man.

Thank you, Trevor.
I-I appreciate--

You know, and...

and when you put it that way,
I...

I am sort of a hero.

So...

If you'll excuse me,
I just saw an old woman fall

and I got to get out of here
before she asks me for help.

So...

Inspiring, Michael.