All language subtitles for Love & Sex - 2000 (Valerie Breiman) 6.3

Falling in love is beautiful.

We do it for one reason: nothing
in the world makes us feel so good.

- Don't!
- "Don't!"

- That hurts!
- Oh, poor Kate. Let me make it better.

You're ugly. You're ugly!

First love is the most powerful
because no one's been hurt yet.

My first love was Bobby Norton.

Everything he did
had a sort of magic to it.

The way he smiled,
the way he talked,

the way he walked like my
favorite actor, Billy Jack…

Bobby was a movie star.

You okay?

Maybe you shouldn't
shove so hard the next time.

My heart just got bigger.

When I do like this it looks like
you only have one eye.

Thank you.

One of the many differences between men
and women when it comes to love

is the need to tell the world
every little detail.

If you choose
to spill your guts to someone

just make sure
it isn't Becky Sussman.

Bobby, are you okay?

- How could you do it?
- What did I do?

You told everybody.
How could you do that?

All my friends are making fun of me
and now it's over.

It's over!

Bobby!

I'll tell your friends I was lying!

I'll let you hit me harder!

Bobby.

Love is a minefield. You take
a step, get blown to pieces

put yourself back together again
and stupidly take another step.

I guess that's human nature.

It hurts so much to be alone that
we all rather blow up than be single.

Hey, Frank

That doesn't make the elevator
go any faster, Kate.

I know, but it makes me feel
more involved.

- Are you angry?
- No. Why?

I just heard this thing
about single women

tend to be 8 times angrier
than married women.

Maybe you should write an article
about that, since you're not married

I would, but…

I'm in the middle
of writing an article

on married bald guys
who can't get hard without Viagra.

- You're late.
- I know.

- Not a good day to be late.
- Why not?

Because the Anti-Christ
is really pissed at you.

She wants to see you
in her office right now.

- Oh, god. Why?
- I am not supposed to say.

- Do you have any stretch marks?
- Not yet.

Damn! I have a deadline
on my Vitamin E piece.

That bitch in accounting won't talk TD

Does anybody have any stretch marks?

Sit down.

Oh, god!

Don't get old, Kate
Old is ugly, ugly is death.

- You're fired.
- What?

Get me Leo.

Was this a joke? Were you planning
on turning on the article I assigned you
after I write that one?

You said I should make
the article my own, so I did.

Kate, this is a step-by-step
description of sucking cocks.

Right. Actually,
I called it "Blow by Blow".

Very clever.

"When life sucks, so should you.
Oral sex can cure depression".

What the fuck were you thinking!

Maybe the title is a little harsh.
But I found a great hook, don't you think?

When I said make it your own

I meant draw off on your
own experiences and relationships.

That's what I did.

I know ten times more about blow
jobs than I do about relationships.

I failed at every relationship
I've ever been in.

I don't know what's going on
in your personal life

and I really don't give a shit.

The point is,
our readers still have hope.

This is called Monique Magazine.
My name is at stake here.

It is not called "Tired Old
Jaded Dicksucker Review".

What if Mary writes the piece
on perfect relationships

and I do the little thing
on stretch marks?

I know tons of people
with stretch marks.

I'm gonna be completely
honest with you here.

I can't cope with being fired.

This is the only thing in my
entire life I haven't failed at.

I can do the assignment,
I know I can.

Can you finish 2,500 happy,
perky words by deadline tonight?

- Absolutely.
- Then you are temporarily unfired.

Now get the fuck out
of my office.

Shit! Shit!

So were you fired?

Not yet.

Somebody made a copy
of your blow-job article and circulated it.

Pretty good.

So you use your hands?

Happy, perky notes

on how to find and keep
that perfect man.

We all wanna be loved.

Sometimes it doesn't even matter
who loves us,

as long as they make us
feel less alone.

What makes a relationship
last forever?

I guess if I knew
the answer to that,

I wouldn't be living alone
with my four cats.

They say you have to kiss
a lot of frogs to get to the prince.

Richard Miltner was the most
boring frog I ever dated.

Sometimes you just
have to get out of the house.

You know,
masculine and feminine

We lucked out pretty good

My mother's corns
aren't usually this bad.

Lucky for us she wasn't able to walk
well enough to come to the show.

It's haunting, don't you think?

What?

Well, the paintings.
They're pretty disturbing.

- You think?
- if I had a kid

I definitely wouldn't put
one of these up his bedroom.

Unless I hated him.

My father would've hung
stuff like this from my ceilings.

He hated me.

You know, my mother hated me too.

She used to tell me I was dying
of cancer when I was four.

It always sent me to these deep depressions,
which is exactly what she wanted

because then
I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.

She hated it
when I bugged her for food or stuff.

- Would you like a champagne?
- What?

A champagne.
Would you like one?

Yeah, absolutely.

Are you looking for me?

I wasn't really
looking for anyone.

Do you mind if I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure.

In the corner.

- In the corner?
- I don't like the middle of rooms

Just come with me to the corner.
No one's behind you in the corner.

- Who's the guy you're with?
- What guy?

Richard? He's a stand-up comedian.

He seems funny.
Is he your boyfriend?

Richard? No He's 30 years old
and he lives with his mother.

So what do you think
of the paintings?

I love the style, but I think
they're a little immature.

Immature? What makes you say that?

Look at that one over there.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- That?

I think that one's supposed to mean
that there's a woman pulling
a severed head out of her ass.

What 's the point?
What do I learn from it?

Maybe that's it.
Maybe there's no point.

You're not supposed
to learn anything.

I wonder what the artist looks like.

He must be pretty scary with
shit like that coming out of his head.

Maybe he has
a highly developed dark side

that you might not
be in contact with.

So how long did it take you
to paint that one?

Gosh, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

You are a doll.
Look at this! Thank you.

Richard, Adam Levy.

- You're the artist!
- You're the lucky guy!

We were just getting around
and discussing our future children.

Right, but I don't think
you're gonna have a future together.

I'm sorry. Excuse me?

If you had a future
I would assume

that you would need
to see the person again.

You're not gonna be seeing her anymore
'cause she's my girlfriend now.

- What?
- What?

Well, from the moment
we laid eyes on each other

we had this immediate spark.
Isn't that right…

- Kate.
- Isn't that right, Kate?

No, actually.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, but this is:
two guys walk into a bar.

One guy is a 3O-year-old stand-up
comedian who lives with his mother.

Could we go now, please?

You know, it is women like you
who turn men into weirdos.

Don't bother. Once I've been hurt,
there's no turning back.

That wasn't cool.
As I did I made it weird

- You shouldn't have done that.
- I know.

So where should we eat?

You are without a doubt the tallest
woman I've ever met in my life.

Really?

Can I see you hands?

I've been noticing
that you just have these

long ET fingers.

Like a tree frog.

Oh, my God! How big?

- Size 11.
- Size 11?

- Yeah, size 11.
- Woman's size 11?

Is this some kind of artist thing?
Focusing on people's flaws?

I don't see them as flaws,

I see them as God's
little artistic choices.

So, I guess God decided to give you
this abnormally large head.

You know what's different?
Because you're being shitty and mean

and I was celebrating
your body, who you are.

- You were celebrating my body?
- Yeah, I was.

I like this part
of the relationship normally.

And what part is that?

When it's new, you know.
You have to ask all the fun questions.

- Right.
- Let me first.

What's your relationship like
with your dad?

My dad's dead.

He was hit by a car
in front of me when I was six.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I don't…

Just kidding. We get along great.

- Any brothers and sisters?
- it's my turn.

No, I've taken your turn away.
Any brothers or sisters?

I have three older brothers.
How many women have you slept with?

Excuse me?

Come on. It's not like
you haven't counted them. How many?

- How many men have you slept with?
- Not that many. 13.

13?

As like 13 different guys?

Spread out over the years,
that's not so many.

Aren't you gonna
answer the question?

Two, okay?

- Two? That's it?
- That's it.

Some of us actually believe
in having full relationships.

I believe in relationships.
Mine just happen to be short ones.

I'm sorry. You're like a whore.

Excuse me?

You are. 13! Jesus Christ!
Give me a break!

- Were you popular in high school?
- What do you think?

- I guess that's a "no".
- I don't really need this shit.

I happen to have been
very popular in high school

I was an artist.
I used to draw all the pretty girls.

I used to make them look
even better than they did.

They all loved me.

No, they didn't sleep with me,
but they loved me.

How about you?

You must 've been
real popular with that attitude.

No, I had huge buck teeth
and bony knees and I slouched

'cause I was trying to hide the fact
I hadn't grown any boobs yet.

And my hair was all stringy
and everybody called me Horseface.

- Horseface? That suits you.
- You think so?

- Oh, I like it.
- You like it?

What's the longest kiss
you've ever had?

The longest kiss?

But you know what? Don't tell me.
It'll just make me jealous.

Just make sure
this one's longer, okay?

Adam was unlike
any guy I'd ever known.

We were instant best friends.

Two people who understood each
other without having to say a word.

It wasn't like that at all
in my first relationship.

I guess it was sort of a bad idea
to give up my virginity

to my high-school French teacher.

if two people want to be
a couple of them

it is good when they are making love
with each other, because they feel nice.

- What?
- Let's make love.

We will, Mr Bossard.
I promise.

I don't think I can tonight though.
I'm not really ready yet.

Because you feel we don't have
the quality of life together
with each other.

- I am sad for this.
- What?

Let's make love, cheri, please
I'm waiting for so long.

- Will it hurt?
- Do not be scary.

- I am there for you needing me
- What?

Mr Bossard…

- Are you doing it?
- Oui.

I can't believe it.
It was supposed to hurt.

Maybe it's because
I've ridden horses all my life.

Are you smaller than most guys?

My older man daddy phase

continued on past high school
and right into college.

I was not a very evolved person
by the time I ran into Eric.

Are you okay?

Are you blind?
Are you out of your mind?

What is wrong with you?
This is a brand new car!

You could've killed me!
What are you doing?

- I said I'm sorry, alright?
- This is 500 dollar shirt!

- I didn't see you.
- You didn't see me?

Were you painting
your fucking toenails?

Listen, fuckface!
I didn't see you!

I didn't wake up
this morning and then go

"Today is the day I'm gonna crash
into some fucking uptight yuppie!"

You know what, lady?
Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Shit! Fuck!

- There! Did You see that?
- How's that?

- Take that!
- Okay, break it up!

- Officer, I…
- Shut up! Hands behind your back!

- Hit him with your big stick!
- You! Get up there!

You know, I think
we got off on the wrong foot.

The wrong foot?

You just beat
the shit out of my car!

I'm sorry about that.
Maybe we could start over again.

You got any plans for dinner tonight?
You know, after we make bail?

So, this is where writers hang out.

What do you write about?

I'm working on a novel between
my journalism classes at UCLA.

A novel?

- What's it about?
- Death.

That sounds interesting.

So what do you do?

I work a lot with
Big Red-Ass Monkeys.

It's a band, you know?
Do you know the band?

"Big Red-Ass Monkeys are here"
I direct music videos.

Isn't that the one where the naked
girl swims with a chimp?

Ape. Great ape.

Right. I guess chimps
don't have those big red asses.

I don't know, I never checked.

Do you think
maybe I could kiss you?

- Maybe later.
- Maybe later, when?

Maybe later, like in 5 seconds.

5, 4, 3, 2

I hate when that happens.

A toast to our
three-week anniversary.

I think this is the longest
relationship I've ever been in.

Well, not counting Mr Bossard,
which lasted one semester.

Did I ever tell you?

Could we not talk about
your high school French teacher?

It really disturbs me.

- Okay.
- Good.

So, what about
your last relationship?

- Oh, god. What about it?
- Well, how long was it again?

- Five miserable years.
- What did you have in common?

Nothing.

What do we have in common?

- We have a lot in common.
- Like what?

Like, how many people do you know

who can confortably
have sex in public places?

Every guy I've ever met.

Good morning. You know
what day today is, don't you?

Sunday morning. My turn.

- I thought it was my turn.
- Nope. It's my turn.

You know what?
This game is idiotic.

it's not spontaneous.
It's scheduled.

That's not true.

Scheduled spontaneity
is the key to long-term love.

Don't look so happy.

I like Sundays.

Careful, careful.

I'm not getting that.

They can wait. Come on.

- You get it or you're not getting it.
- I can't get it.

Alright.

I'll be back.

Don't lose your
concentration, okay?

Where you going?

Now you want some, don't you?
Just hold that thought, okay?

Daddy!

- Guess what I did at Kiddieland?
- We're gonna go. Come with Mommy.

it's not what it looks like,
I'll explain Nell, wait! Nell!

Kate, I can explain!

Will you come back?

Will you stop? Stop!

- What are you?
- I understand how you feel.

You have no idea how anyone feels.
You're a social climber!

- I'm planning on getting a divorce.
- Don't ever touch me!

- Kate!
- Daddy!

Even when bad relationships end

the pain can be severe enough
to screw you up for years.

We all pick up a little baggage
after every breakup.

The hope is that when the bags
start to accumulate

we're still able to drag them
into the next relationship.

Fortunately when Adam and I
moved in together

my carry-on baggage
was fairly light.

- Let's put that one in the bedroom.
- I was gonna put "Paul's Entrails"

No, it's better for the bathroom.

If you want to be obvious.

Okay, whatever you want.

- I love you, Horseface.
- I love you too.

I mean I love you more than
I've ever loved anybody ever

in my life.

Where are you going?

Oh, god.

- Okay. Say it.
- Why do you want me to say it again?

Because it was cute and I want
that cute moment saved forever.

Honey, it's not gonna sound cute.

It's gonna sound forced
and I'm irritated so could we just…?

- Just say it.
- I love you.

- Horseface!
- I love you, Horseface.

I love you too.
Now strip.

- Strip?
- Strip.

- Put the toy away and we'll…
- Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
- Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
- Take it off. Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
- Whip it out.

When you finally get to share
your lonely bed with the one you love

life just doesn't get any better.

- That was not me.
- Stop. Stop it.

That's the first time you…
That was your first fart.

That was your first fart.
You do love me.

Don't blame it on me.

That was so cute.
You're embarrassed.

Come here. No woman has ever
farted in front of me before.

Hi.

- Hi.
- What?

- What?
- Why are you smiling at me like that?

Because it's our one-year anniversary.
You should be smiling too.

I guess so.

Come here. Come on.

No, come here.
Are you a grouchy little bunny?

I'm taking you to some place
very special today.

- Where?
- it's a surprise.

Go fill me the tub
and I'll take you.

Now, in the middle of the day?

I'm feeling very, very dirty.
I need a tub.

Forget it.

Can you just fill me a tub?
Come on, you big grouch, just go.

My God, it's like pulling teeth
with you to get anything.

Oh, my God!

Are you insane? What are we
gonna do with all these kitties?

I don't know
Make stew, I figured.

What are they doing in there?
They like you, obviously.

This one's Louie,
this one's Murray.

This one is Steve
and this one is Mordechai.

I got them from
the Chinese restaurant.

Hi, Mommy.

Hello. Aren't I cute?

Hi. You are my new mommy now.

Bet the other 13 guys you slept with
didn't get you a litter of kitties

I'm pregnant.

You're really?

I took a little stick test
this morning and it turned pink.

Pink? isn't it supposed
to be like a plus sign?

Believe it or not, Adam, I know
how to pee on a stick and read directions.

- I thought we were being safe.
- Yeah. It's not safe enough.

- God. We hardly know each other.
- We know each other.

I just don't know
if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam.

I'm too confused,
too immature, too messy.

What about abortion?
Did you ever think about that…

possibility?

I just never thought
this would happen to me.

- I don't know what to do.
- Here, come here

Don't worry.
A lot of people would think

this is the world's greatest
anniversary present.

- What do you think?
- I'll tell you what I think.

I think that our baby would be

the cutest little thing
that ever walked around in poo-poo pants.

Won't you be scared?

Of what? Of doing the most
natural thing in the world?

Of bringing a gorgeous little
brilliant genius into the world?

No. I wouldn't be scared at all.

What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius?
What if it was an ugly little troll?

Well, I guess
we just have to pray to God

that the baby takes after me.

We could name it Ned,
right after my grandfather.

- What if it's a little girl?
- Nedina, we'll call it.

This one needs to be changed.
I want you to practice

and show me how a good mommy
you're gonna be.

God, my stomach is huge!

I look like Buddha.

You're the same as you've always been.

So I've always had a Buddha gut?

Calm down. You've been pregnant a month.
The baby's the size of a sea monkey.

Pretty soon you'll look
like swallowed a Volkswagen.

Yeah, but you have
an abnormally large head.

Come on, Horseface, get over here.

Come on.

Let's see what we got here.

Ned says he wants
a womb with a view.

Ned's not very funny.

Well, Ned's just a fetus
We should cut Ned a little slack.

And I think you're
more beautiful than ever.

Are you okay, baby?

Are you okay?
What's wrong?

I'm bleeding.

Something is wrong.

Something is going wrong.

Get up. Get up.

Where's your robe, baby?

- Where's your robe?
- I don't know.

Do you think it's possible
to love the same person forever?

- Sure. Don't you?
- I don't know.

I haven't seen a relationship
that didn't end one way or another.

What about your parents?
They've been together 35 years

Yeah, they've lived
in the same house for that long.

I don't think they've said
"I love you" for at least 2O of those years.

Maybe that's human nature.
You spend that much time around a person

saying "I love you" is probably
just like saying "cheese sandwich".

God, I hope not.

Katie…

- I cheese sandwich you.
- I cheese sandwich you too.

The longer you're with the same person,
the more annoying they'll become.

You'll become annoying too.

So if you want everything
to be perfect all the time

don't bother
having a relationship.

Did you see
that little old lady?

- Didn't she look sad and lonely?
- I didn't look I need some shoes.

Her eyes were so hollow.

She old. Old people have
hollow eyes. Especially old women.

- What?
- Can we go in here?

What do you mean,
especially old women?

- Women don't age as well as men.
- How could you say that?

How many 5O-year-old women
do you see with 2O-year-old guys?

That's a societal double standard.
That's got nothing to do with facts.

Who looks better,
Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?

It is nature. Men have thicker skin.
That's why women wrinkle more.

- Shut up.
- You're afraid to become obsolete.

At a certain age men start to notice
younger girls it freaks you out

You know, you're going bald!

I have the keys!
Where are you going?

I got one. What do you have?

This is one about
topless female ninjas.

Let's just get one 'Cause
we'll forget to return them

and it will be like
800 dollars for two movies.

- And which one do you want?
- "Nosferatu".

You've seen it 50 times,
and every time you get depressed.

I like being depressed.
It makes me feel deep and introspective.

Wanna see what this is about?
Maybe you might like it.

"Nasty naked ninjettes infiltrate
the mob and take over little Italy

nunchacking their way to Mafia
Don Guido Mantucci"

That sounds incredible.

Why do you have to come it?

You think I wanna go home
and snuggle

and read subtitles and
watch in black and white?

Can't we ever go to a goddamn video store
without getting into an argument?

Not as long as you have
such shitty taste in movies.

I don't have
shitty taste in movies!

How can you not
appreciate German Expressionism?

- I love German Expressionism.
- Right.

What I don't like is what you turn into
when you watch that damn movie.

You get all fixated on death
"I'm gonna die, you're gonna die"

Fine! You watch your stupid titty
movie, I'll watch my death movie.

- You return yours, I'll return mine.
- Fine.

it's her birthday.
One of these should be free.

Romance.

The most important part of keeping
a good relationship going.

Be sure to treasure each one of
those moments you share together in bed.

We haven't had sex in a while

We haven't had sex
in like three weeks.

You're not even listening to me.

No, I wasn't.

I said we haven't had sex
in like three weeks.

Maybe it's because you clip
your toenails in our bed.

What's the real reason?

I don't know.

Do you want to have sex right now?

No. Do you?

No.

- Is there something wrong with us?
- I don't know.

Maybe we should force ourselves.

- What, like mutual rape?
- It might turn us on.

- I'm tired.
- Me too.

- Love you.
- Love you too.

Don't do that.
You know how much that bugs me.

I said don't!

If you do that one more time,
I'm gonna scream.

I think it's over.

What's over?

Us. I think we're done.

What are you saying?

I think I need to break up.

What did you just say?

I said I think we should break up.

No. You said you need to break up.

- What's the difference?
- There's a huge difference.

Saying "we" implies it is mutual.
Otherwise it means you're ending it.

- Are you ending it?
- I don't know. I guess so.

Have you met someone else?

No, nothing like that.

It's just I feel like we're
just turning into this old married couple.

Oh, god.
It's the 13th guy thing, isn't it?

That's what it is!

You've been obsessed with my past
since our first date.

Now you're gonna start reckoning
TD

Will you shut up about that?
It's not the 13 guys, okay?

I'm over that, I've dealt with that.
It's a non-issue, I promise you.

Then why? Why now?

I don't know.
It's just that I've never been single.

I've spent my whole life going
from one relationship to another.

And I've never been alone.

Do you realize what you're saying?
Do you realize what this means?

What does this mean?

It means this is it, the end.

And once it's over, it's over.

Yeah, I guess so.

But it's not like
we won't still be friends.

Who said anything
about being friends?

We love each other.
I don't wanna lose you from my life.

You should know that
when you get to number 13

I won't be sitting here
waiting for you.

Will you give that up?
It's not about that, okay?

This thing isn't working
for either of us.

- You're not happy, are you?
- No, I'm not happy.

- So neither of us are happy.
- You're right. I'm miserable.

Could you stop?
You're packing my laundry now.

Breaking up would be
the best thing in the world for me!

You know what?

- I feel good. No, I feel great.
- Come back to bed.

Already it's like a 5 million pound weight
has been lifted off my head.

- Can't this wait?
- I can breathe, I can think.

All of a sudden life is clear.
it's amazing!

I am so happy!

When I look back
at the love I had with Adam

I see a pathetic potted plant
that nobody bothered to water.

It started out green and lush,

then eventually became
a dried up little brown stick.

Breaking up is like dying, slowly,

with nobody around.

That's why it's so important
during that dark period

to keep yourself busy doing
the things that don't depress you.

Fuck me! Jesus! Kate!

I can't believe it.

Our relationship hasn't even
started decomposing yet.

- Who's this?
- She's my friend Kate.

Kate, this is my friend Peaches.

This must be the friend
that you just broke up with.

And this must be the friend
you just started fucking!

Wait, wait.

Peaches? My God!

What the fuck
is that thing on your face?

- Just keep your voice down.
- What are you doing here?

This is my movie!
You came to my favorite movie

to make out with someone
called Peaches?

- How dare you!
- I wanna call you. Can I call you?

No. I'm gonna get over you.
And when I do, I'll call you.

That could take days.

Okay, let's see here.

That's hideous.

Here you go!
Kate, how about this?

No That makes me look
like a drug addicted hooker.

I wanna look great.
Like a drug addicted model.

I don't see what the big deal is.
It's only his birthday party.

Adam's gonna be there.

- Aren't you over him yet?
- Of course I am.

I just want him to die a thousand deaths
when he sees me with Jerome Davis tonight.

Jerome Davis? Wait a minute.

The perverted basketball player
who was obsessed with your ass?

He was?

Kate, you've got a great ass.
You're a big woman.

but your ass is small and compact
to fit your size.

And yet if you would take your ass and
put it on your little friend here.

It would be fucking huge.

That's it, I'm gone.

Oh, god!

Thought it was you.

I didn't expect to see you here.
I didn't know Sam invited you.

- No. Mary invited me.
- Mary? Of course.

That's great.

It's nice to see you.

I haven't seen you in a while.
I've missed you.

Yeah, it's been a long time.

- I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Adam.
- What's up, Ad? Jerome.

it's not "Ad", it's "Adam".
What's up, Jer?

- Why don't I give you a call tomorrow?
- Don't make this a weird thing.

- I'll give you a call tomorrow.
- Give me a call.

Give me a call or page me,
'cause my shit's blowing up now.

- Why don't you call me?
- I will.

I'm running around a lot Star 82
so I know it's you 'cause I'm screening.

- That was really weird last night.
- I know, that was really weird.

- So are you in love?
- I think I should be asking you that.

Why should you ask me that question?

Because you couldn't keep your tongue
out of that Lolita's mouth last night.

Don't tell me about tongues,
it looked like Michael Jordan

was gonna suck your tonsils
out of your throat.

Where did you find
that guy anyway?

- Let's just not get into that.
- You're the one who's bringing it up.

- I'm ready to be mature.
- Me too. Absolutely.

How could you go
with that freak of nature?

How could you go
with such a bimbo?

Savannah is not a bimbo
She happens to play the harp.

Excuse me. A bimbo savant.

At least I'm not having a fucking
hot tub party with Dennis Rodman.

- I can't believe you're jealous.
- I'm not jealous.

I don't like her, I don't love her.
I'm hardly ever gonna see that girl again.

- I was waiting for you.
- Noon it was supposed to be.

My harp lesson ended a little early
I bought myself some new underwear.

- I'm Savannah.
- Kate.

I know. Adam told me
all about you last night.

Really?

Why don't you go back to the coffee shop
and wait for me? I'll be there at noon.

- Go get me a mochaccino.
- Okay. Nice meeting you, Cynthia.

it's "Kate".

I meant Kate.

Bye. Noon.

- I didn't feel good, that felt really bad.
- I know, I'm sorry.

No, don't be. It's the kind of thing
we have to get used to.

I have to go and throw up now.

Kate, I miss you so much.
You're my best friend.

- I only feel normal around you.
- I know.

Hopefully over time
this is all gonna work out.

It will. We just have to let go
of those old feelings we had for each other.

Fine.

So this Jerome guy,
was he just like huge?

I just wanna know like I was a friend.
Is that bad for a friend?

Was it like, "nice surprise big" or
"you better take me home now" big?

Was it like "I'm in over my head"?
Was it "I'm in over my head" big?

As you move on
in your search for love

sex is the fastest way
to erase the past.

Promise you'll never leave me.

I promise.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Great.

The only sex I've had in months
and it's with you.

Being single again may be difficuIt,
but it can also be empowering.

After my breakup I got out
of the house as often as I could

going to places that took my mind
off my loneliness.

Excuse me. I'm looking for sort of
a joke gift for a friend's birthday.

- What's the kinkiest stuff you have?
- Depends.

Do you mean kinky-up-the-butt
or just white-bread kinky?

Just white-bread kinky, please

- Third aisle.
- Thank you.

it's a butt plug.

Some guys like to put it
up their butts.

Great. Thanks.

So, what's a nice girl like you
doing at Earl's Pornorama?

I'm here to buy a joke gift
for a friend of mine, okay?

- I'm not here to talk to strangers.
- Why are you so nervous?

Are you attracted to me?

God, that is so arrogant!

I just happen to be
a little uncomfortable

because I'm picking up
plastic dicks with some guy.

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

- Could be.
- Oh, god.

Aren't you that guy in movies
with the topless ninja girls?

Yeah. I've done a lot since then.
That was some earlier stuff.

I'm…

- I'm Joey Santino.
- I know.

My ex-boyfriend forced me
to watch all your movies.

Forced you to?

Well, he loves you.

Well, not after we fall in love.
He won't.

Oh, no.
I don't date actors.

Joey wasn't very bright
but I loved his innocence.

I was going through
my non-judgmental phase

and didn't want to push people
away just for saying stupid things.

I love you.

- You've only known me for 14 hours!
- I know.

I loved you in the first hour,
but I waited 13 more to tell you.

No, you just think you're in love
'cause we've been having sex non-stop.

How can you be so cynical?

I've never felt this way
in my entire life.

You're the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.

You see?
That's why I don't date actors.

And you don't have to say
you love me back.

Because I just want you
to know how I feel.

That's all.

Unless you want to.
I won't stop you from saying

that you love me,
if you want to.

I like you a lot though.

- Hello.
- It's me.

Hey, Adam.
What's up?

Nothing much. I haven't seen you
in a couple of weeks.

Wanna grab some dinner
tomorrow night?

That's so sweet.
But I can't, I'm going out.

What about Friday?
Wanna see a movie on Friday?

No, I can't. I'm going to Malibu
for the weekend.

- Malibu? What's in Malibu?
- A big beach.

I saw that in a Thomas Guide once.
Who are you going with?

Just some guy, you don't know him.
He's got a house over there.

- You like him?
- What's with all the questions?

No reason. I just want to know
if you like this rich Malibu guy.

Yeah, I like him.

- Do you like him a lot?
- Yeah, he's nice.

- Hello?
- Do you love him?

I think so, yeah.

We've been together every day
for the last couple of weeks.

That's great for you.
You know what? I gotta run.

'Cause I got a date
with an actress. You know.

I'll call you when I get back
and have lunch or something.

Sure, great.

- I can't take it.
- What?

I cannot.

- I can't take it.
- Just get in here.

I thought I was over you.
I thought I was done.

Oh, god, this is horrible!

Don't go to Malibu. Please.

Are you out of your mind?
This is a joke, right?

This is not a joke.
This is not.

What's wrong with you?

You've been dating women nonstop
since we broke up.

This is the first guy
I've even gotten close to in an entire year.

I know. I was wrong.
I was silly. I was stupid.

I was wrong. I didn't know how
I felt about you until right now.

What happened
to the date with the actress?

It's canceled, it's over.

God, you shouldn't have
'cause Joey's on his way.

Joey? His name is Joe?

How could you
date a guy named "Joey"?

Please, don't date him any more.
Let's get back together again.

I love you. Let's have babies.

Will you stop acting
like an insane person?

Why don't you go home
and relax or something?

- I love you.
- No. Go on your date, you'll be fine.

- Could you just tell me one thing?
- What?

What's his last name?

Just tell me his last name.

Santino.

Santino. That's like Joey…

"Joey Santino", the actor?

My the titty ninja?
You fucking hate him!

Actually he's really
a very good actor.

Clearly you haven't seen
any of his later work.

What the fuck
are you talking about, his later work!

Motherfucker!

Oh, my god! You're kidding me!
How could you…?

Adam, you have to go.

- You weren't supposed to fall in love.
- Quit being such a hypocrite.

I'm a guy! I fuck!
I don't fall in love!

- Maybe you don't.
- You think Mr Italian fucking…

he's fucking you, he loves you?
I don't think so!

- Whatever.
- I'm fucking out of here, alright?

Fucking horseshit!

Don't fucking call!

- Are you Miss Kate Wells?
- Yeah.

I have a message for you
from Adam Levy.

Even though we're only pals
only pals, only pals

I don't like the other gals
you're my baby.

Don't go out with that dumb guy
that dumb guy, that dumb guy

if you do I'll start to cry

you're my baby.

Mr. Levy would like you to have

an autographed picture
of himself.

and this
-hold on, it gets better-

- Cheese sandwich.
- Thank you.

- Hello.
- Did the little guy sing?

What do you think?

- You got my picture up?
- Adam?

Next to the boys?

Yes, I got the sandwich
and I got your picture.

- Could you just stop torturing me?
- Come over.

Get rid of him. We'll sport,
we'll spoon, we'll do it all.

We'll lay around
like walruses all day.

- Adam…
- What are you wearing?

God, it's beautiful here.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

There's nobody else here.

Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to?

- De Niro!
- Right.

De Niro is the best.
I swear, I love him. He's…

De Niro.

Yeah. He's a good actor.

Good?

Good? I mean, we're talking
about Robert De Niro here.

"Good". Come on. He's a…

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
are good. Asparagus is good.

De Niro, he…

I mean, like "Cape Fear".

Counselor,

come out,
come out wherever you are.

I know you, you piece of shit!
I'm better than you all!

I can outlearn you,
I can outread you,

I can outthink you,

and I can outphilosophize you.

And I'm gonna outlast you!

That's good, right?
And "Raging Bull", which is

the greatest performance
of all time.

You're gonna get me down, Ray.
You're gonna get me down.

Are you all right?
I know the Heimlich.

Why are you trying
to ruin my relationship?

Your nose is so cute.

You've never tried to get me back
before. What ego trip are you on?

- Can I kiss it?
- What!

- Your nose.
- Stop screwing up my life.

I'm involved with somebody else.

Marry me? Please.

- Are you listening to me?
- I get it, don't worry.

I broke up with you
because I was inexperienced.

You were the third relationship I was in.

How was I supposed to know
that was gonna be the one?

You had it so easy compared to me.

I was number 14 for you.
You were number 3 for me.

- Look, you can't…
- Just marry me.

I'm sorry I screwed up.

I can't live
with this kind of mistake in my life.

Don't you see?
This is really bad timing.

You can't just wait until
I'm heavily involved with somebody else

and propose marriage
or profess your love to me.

I'll change.
How does that sound?

We're gonna make up a contract
and everything you don't like about me
I'm gonna change.

Death penalty. You're against it,
I'm for it. I'm against it now.

We're gonna do
candlelight vigils at the prison.

I don't want you to change.

You know what? You're right.
I'm not gonna change.

I'm enough. And I learned that from you.
We're gonna fly, take trips,

I'll go to therapy, I'll get over my
fear of planes and we'll travel

Adam, stop it.
Stop it right now.

Alright. Let me just ask you then.
Just straight out, all kidding aside.

Katie, will you marry me?

No.

I won't torture you anymore then.

If you're happy,
I'm happy you're happy.

I made you miserable and I'm sorry.

- I just wanted you to know something though.
- What?

I can't be friends.
I'm just too weak.

- Adam.
- I can't even be around you.

You're sitting here and you're like
this incredibly juicy ham sandwich

that I just wanna stuff in my mouth
and I can't because my lips are sewn shut.

- That's a pretty analogy.
- You know what I mean.

Have a nice life.

Don't say that. You know
we'll see each other again.

Yeah, right.

Is infatuation love? No.
But it feels like it is.

All those chemicals
pumping through your brain

can turn every word he says
into poetry.

Did I ever tell you what I used
to do with my little brother?

Whenever he did something I didn't like,
I'd put dog shit under his pillow

I said "Jimmy, let's play hide and seek.
Put your head under the pillow and count to 20"

Half of the time he'd get to 10
before he realized what happened.

That sounds pretty stupid.

Jimmy? No.

He's the smartest one of us, Kate.
He's a lawyer now.

Now you remember me?

Relationships that are based entirely on sex
end the minute the sex gets boring.

So if you want it to last
beyond boring sex

you'd better try to connect
on a deeper level.

I brought us
some cheese sandwiches.

Thanks.

Do you think people can stay
passionate about each other forever?

Yeah. As long as they work
on the relationship

and don't get fat.

I wonder.

I'm not sure it's natural.
I'd like to think it's possible though.

I think that, over time, we all tend
to take each other for granted

and after the years
of staying together

saying "I love you" is like saying
"cheese sandwich", you know?

Do you know that Robert De Niro
is lactose intolerant?

After the infatuation chemicals
in my Brain stopped multiplying

I began to get over
my non-judgmental phase.

Joey and I were gonna have
a real conversation

if it was the last thing we do.

I'm gonna die.

- Are you listening to me?
- What?

I'm gonna die.

When?

Someday.

We're all gonna die, okay?
Watch the movie.

Doesn't that bother you?

- I don't think about stuff like that.
- Why not?

Kate, look, we're
in the middle of the movie.

That's when I think
about death the most.

I look at all these people
staring straight into the darkness.

That freaks me out.
Don't you get that?

No, okay?
I don't get that.

Why should I get that?
I don't wanna get that.

Well, see? That's the problem.

When two people are together
they're supposed to get each other.

You don't get me,
I don't get you!

What? What the fuck
are you talking about?

You know what my problem is?
I'm a floater.

I float through life like
a corpse on a river

bumping into rocks and logs.
I don't choose my path.

- Shut up!
- I just bump into stuff like you.

I bump into you in a porno store,
Boom! I have sex with you.

Boom! I'm in a relationship with you.
Boon! I don't think, I just boom!

- Shut the fuck up!
- So that's what I am to you?

I'm just some goddamn log
you just bumped into in a porno store?

You're wearing sunglasses
in a movie theater.

- They're subscription
- That's prescription, you idiot!

Okay, Mrs Thesaurus. Alright.
I'm an idiot. You know, that's it.

Hasta la vista, baby.
Here is a man who will no take it anymore.

You're all gonna die.
Think about it.

You're all gonna die

and nobody will ever remember you
because they'll all be dead too!

Excuse me.

Hi, this is Adam. I'm not home,
so leave a message after the beep.

Hi, Adam. It's me.

Adam, are you there?

Hi. I didn't wanna call
anybody else.

- Are you okay?
- No.

- What's wrong, baby?
- We broke up.

- Oh, god.
- I broke up with Joey.

That's horrible.

- I'm such a failure.
- You're not a failure.

I am. I am a relationship leper.

Not true. You have more relationship
potential than anybody I know.

Fuck potential.
Anyone can have potential.

Are you kidding?
Your only problem is bad timing.

Two people could be perfect
for each other

and if the timing's wrong,
it's not gonna work out for them.

Bad timing is the reason that
most normal people end up single.

Normal people?

Yeah. Weirdos and creeps are single
because they're weird and creepy

but people like us,

we're single because
we're victims of bad timing.

Since when did you have things
so figured out?

Since you fell in love
and I had to lie in bed awake every night

and wonder if I'd ever find anybody
who I feel as normal with as I do with you.

Bad timing, Adam.

If the timing's ever right,
you just let me know, okay?

How about now?
You think…?

Okay, that's cool.
Take as much time as you want.

Love is ecstasy and agony,

freedom and imprisonment,

belonging and loneliness,

it's what keeps us together
when life tears us apart.

So, when you find that perfect man,
hold on tight

and then call me so I can run over there
and see what he looks like and laugh

because he doesn't exist,
you sad, perky, little optimistic suckers.

I quit.
I couldn't do the assignment.

I've felt like a fraud
since my first day here.

Everything I've written
has been crap.

And I'm a total sellout,
I can't do it anymore.

And honestly I'm sorry
if I've caused you any problems.

Wait a minute.
She's way too fat.

Everything you've written here
has been bullshit?

Nothing has had even
a single grain of truth in your eyes?

Nothing.

So your research on blow jobs
being able to cure depression

is completely made up.

No, actually, that one was true.

But it only works for the suckee.

The sucker always stays depressed.

I told you that.

I'm here.

Actually, could I ask you
a few questions if it's okay?

Sure. Go ahead.

- Are you married?
- No.

- Do you have any children
you haven't told anyone about? - No.

- Do you feel the need to have sex
with a lot of different women? - No.

- Are you a liar?
- Yes.

Just kidding.

Good. You've got a sense of humor.

That was my next question.
Can you listen?

I'm sorry, what?

- You see how I?
- I get it Just one more, I promise.

Do you have a problem
with complicated women?

Great. Let's go.

May I ask you one question?

Of course. I'm sorry,
ask anything you want.

Have you allowed
Jesus Christ into your heart?

Oh, god!

If I could have
one moment of your time…

- No. Get out!
- May I?

- Okay, but if the next knock is the devil…
- Go!

- Listen, have you allowed…
- Hey, go! Now!

Thank you.

Hi, are you Kate Wells?

- Yeah. And you're Rob, right?
- That's right.

Nice to meet you.
Thank you.

- Thanks for coming.
- Nice to meet you.

- You're good.
- Thank you.

And nasty.

I like my men good and nasty.

Thank you.

- You got a girlfriend?
- Yeah, I do.

She's on a date now however.

So where's your blind date?

- I told him I was sick.
- Yeah, you're sick alright.

Yeah, from wanting you back.

That was incredible.

I'm very proud of myself.

- I did good, right?
- Yeah, you did alright.

- It was different.
- I surprised you, I know it.

- You seemed scared.
- I wonder where you learned that.

We should break up more often.

We should.

- I love you.
- Me too.

Get out.

- So with Joey, was is it now? 16?
- Shut up.

No, seriously.

15. I was 14.

What about Peaches?
Tell me about Peaches.

- I don't wanna know about her.
- No, you do.

Where do you think
I learned that thing I did?