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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,306 - Previously on "Resident Alien"... 2 00:00:03,350 --> 00:00:05,134 - How could I not remember? 3 00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:06,788 - When people experience a loss of time, 4 00:00:06,831 --> 00:00:09,051 it's often because they've been abducted by aliens. 5 00:00:09,095 --> 00:00:10,444 - I'm an alien. 6 00:00:10,487 --> 00:00:12,445 We are very good at changing people's memories. 7 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:15,622 - FBI. The murderer is not Harry Vanderspeigle. 8 00:00:15,666 --> 00:00:17,669 - Guess what... you're not getting your ball back. 9 00:00:17,711 --> 00:00:20,018 I've hidden it where you'll never find it. 10 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,344 - Abigail Hodges, you're under arrest 11 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:22,890 for the murder of Sam Hodges. 12 00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:25,068 - I have built a radio. 13 00:00:25,111 --> 00:00:26,547 The signal will tell my people 14 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:29,942 not to come and kill everyone... 15 00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:31,204 for 50 years. 16 00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:34,859 - We need to stop it! - No! 17 00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,295 It's receiving a signal. 18 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:39,820 It's a phone number from New York City. 19 00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,735 - Sunny went into labor all of a sudden. 20 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:45,609 - I can fix it. - Let the doctor do his job. 21 00:00:45,652 --> 00:00:47,786 - I've held a lot of babies since Jay was born. 22 00:00:47,829 --> 00:00:52,182 - I understand now why you feel guilty. 23 00:01:02,278 --> 00:01:05,456 Go after him. 24 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,129 Flush him out. I'll meet you on the other side. 25 00:01:07,153 --> 00:01:08,284 - I got it. 26 00:01:08,328 --> 00:01:11,156 Police, drop the weapon! 27 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,766 - Shit. 28 00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:15,117 Dispatch, this is unit 92. I got shots fired. 29 00:01:15,161 --> 00:01:16,728 Need backup at my location. 30 00:01:16,771 --> 00:01:19,209 Jesse! Jesse! - Copy that. 31 00:01:19,251 --> 00:01:20,688 Backup en route. 32 00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:23,647 - Jesse? 33 00:01:23,691 --> 00:01:25,039 Jesse? 34 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,308 I got an officer down. 35 00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:43,102 Mike. 36 00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:46,713 Come on, man, I know you're in there. 37 00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:54,504 Bill, I can't do that, man. 38 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:58,116 Mike, you're the only one he would have trusted with him. 39 00:02:08,866 --> 00:02:10,477 - You take care of yourself, okay? 40 00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:12,913 - Thanks. Thanks, man. 41 00:02:17,527 --> 00:02:20,182 I miss him, too, Cletus. 42 00:02:22,097 --> 00:02:24,317 Welcome to your new home. 43 00:02:34,805 --> 00:02:37,677 - 1,900 miles... 44 00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:40,593 That's how close I am to New York City, 45 00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,682 to one of my people. 46 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:45,990 1,900 miles from standing in front of a being 47 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,514 who knows what I know... 48 00:02:47,557 --> 00:02:50,908 who has stood in the ice wind desert as a child. 49 00:02:50,951 --> 00:02:53,259 I am different now. 50 00:02:53,302 --> 00:02:55,000 Asta knows this version of me, 51 00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:58,395 but I am 1,900 miles from being with someone 52 00:02:58,437 --> 00:03:00,831 who knows the alien part of me... 53 00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:03,008 The real me. 54 00:03:05,793 --> 00:03:08,448 So why can I not dial this number? 55 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,079 - Hey. - Oh. 56 00:03:32,123 --> 00:03:33,299 Hey. 57 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,824 - It was nice to talk to you last night. 58 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:41,525 Kind of felt like old times again. 59 00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:43,396 What? - Oh. 60 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:45,137 - W-what... what are you upset about? 61 00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:47,531 Nothing happened. All we did was talk about Jay. 62 00:03:47,574 --> 00:03:49,575 - Yeah, I know. - Asta. 63 00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:51,969 - I shouldn't have come here. - I did... 64 00:03:53,579 --> 00:03:56,800 Please, you don't have to go. - Yes, I do. 65 00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:11,336 - Nice seeing you at Laurant's last night. 66 00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:14,034 - Mm, mm. 67 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,697 - I saw you left pretty quickly. 68 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:27,961 You know, if there's ever anything 69 00:04:28,005 --> 00:04:29,702 you want to talk about, like, no big deal, 70 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,792 but you can talk to me. 71 00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:37,144 Thank you, Deputy. 72 00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:39,278 Now that you mention it, 73 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:41,411 I'd like to know what you've been scribbling down 74 00:04:41,454 --> 00:04:42,802 in your little notebook there. 75 00:04:42,846 --> 00:04:45,457 You doing another solo investigation? 76 00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:49,656 - Do you remember my dress you picked up from the cleaners? 77 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,204 The one I don't remember dropping off? 78 00:04:52,247 --> 00:04:53,399 - And what dress you talking about? 79 00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,901 You talking about that green dress, 80 00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,531 or you talking about that dress you talk about every day 81 00:04:56,555 --> 00:04:58,055 like it's some kind of government conspiracy? 82 00:04:58,079 --> 00:05:00,908 You have to admit it's weird. 83 00:05:00,951 --> 00:05:03,954 - Basically the whole day is a blank. 84 00:05:03,997 --> 00:05:05,608 Do you remember it? - I mean, no. 85 00:05:05,651 --> 00:05:07,151 But I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. 86 00:05:07,175 --> 00:05:08,891 You know, ask me what color socks I'm wearing. 87 00:05:08,915 --> 00:05:11,831 - What color socks are you wearing? 88 00:05:11,875 --> 00:05:13,461 - Well, actually, I'm wearing black socks 89 00:05:13,485 --> 00:05:14,898 'cause that's all I own... Is black socks. 90 00:05:14,922 --> 00:05:16,509 But if I did own socks that was a different color, 91 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,206 I wouldn't remember what color I was wearing. 92 00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,380 You know why? It don't matter. 93 00:05:19,404 --> 00:05:22,103 - Sir, you might want to look at this. 94 00:05:23,713 --> 00:05:26,543 - What the hell she doing? That's Miss Taylor bike. 95 00:05:26,586 --> 00:05:30,154 Oh, shit. Hell, no. Hell, no! 96 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,896 Hey, get off that bike! Get off that damn bike! 97 00:05:32,939 --> 00:05:34,526 That ain't your bike. - Come on, Sheriff! 98 00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:36,814 - Hey, I can outrun that bike! 99 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,425 - Ellen? 100 00:05:43,603 --> 00:05:44,882 Hey, Ellen, can you cover for me? 101 00:05:44,908 --> 00:05:46,475 I got to take care of something. 102 00:05:46,519 --> 00:05:48,042 - Sure. - Okay. Thanks. 103 00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,086 I won't be long. 104 00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:57,312 Close call. 105 00:05:57,355 --> 00:05:58,704 Almost as close as you were 106 00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:01,055 to getting your eye poked out by a tree. 107 00:06:01,098 --> 00:06:04,884 - In my defense, I had just had dinner with my parents. 108 00:06:04,928 --> 00:06:07,497 Also, that tree was waving pretty wildly. 109 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:10,413 - Listen, as a medical professional, 110 00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:13,067 I suggest you drink a little less. 111 00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:17,071 But as a single bitch living in this dead-ass town, 112 00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:19,987 I suggest you invite me out next time. 113 00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,553 - Wow. 114 00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:22,773 All right. 115 00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,297 - Yeah, there's more of that. - Okay. 116 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,696 - What do you mean you got a phone number from an alien? 117 00:06:32,738 --> 00:06:34,827 Why didn't you tell me sooner? What did they say? 118 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:38,266 - Well, I did not call. It might be a trap. 119 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,050 - It's not a trap. 120 00:06:40,093 --> 00:06:41,792 - If you worried more about traps, 121 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,968 then you would still be in the ocean 122 00:06:44,011 --> 00:06:47,711 instead of in a box of water in the mountains. 123 00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:50,016 - Does this thing have to keep popping into my head? 124 00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,497 - You think I like it in there? 125 00:06:51,540 --> 00:06:53,213 It's darker than the woods in a Tim Burton movie. 126 00:06:53,237 --> 00:06:55,108 - You shut the hell up about what's in my head 127 00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:57,242 and stop putting the TV on in front of this thing. 128 00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:58,983 - He's not calling 129 00:06:59,026 --> 00:07:01,637 because he's afraid his people will reject him. 130 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,290 He's worried he's too human. 131 00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:04,814 - That is a lie! 132 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,947 Liars do not get food. - I'm kidding. 133 00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:09,709 Can't you take a joke? It's obviously a trap. 134 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,603 - Good octopus. 135 00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,692 - Okay. We don't have any other leads. 136 00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,391 And if we don't do anything, everyone is going to die. 137 00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,132 So, if you don't call that phone number, I will. 138 00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,612 - Fine. 139 00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:23,790 - Okay. 140 00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,269 Mm. 141 00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:29,622 - Hello. Can I talk to the alien, please? 142 00:07:29,665 --> 00:07:32,538 Mm. 143 00:07:32,581 --> 00:07:34,757 He hung up. 144 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,237 He knows my mother. 145 00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:39,023 And they had intercourse. 146 00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:43,113 - Demelio's Pizzeria, East Third Street. 147 00:07:43,156 --> 00:07:45,550 Pack your bags. We're going to New York. 148 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,641 - I cannot go to New York. The octopus is right. 149 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,860 I have changed. I am too human. 150 00:07:50,903 --> 00:07:52,819 What if the alien will not help me? 151 00:07:52,862 --> 00:07:54,778 - I heard that. He just admitted it. 152 00:07:54,821 --> 00:07:56,822 - Get out of my head. 153 00:08:02,132 --> 00:08:04,351 - Well, answer it. It might be them. 154 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:08,225 - Hello? 155 00:08:08,269 --> 00:08:10,488 - Morning, Doc. It's the Sheriff. 156 00:08:16,146 --> 00:08:17,365 - Hi, Dad. 157 00:08:26,286 --> 00:08:28,725 - This is weird... She looks like me, 158 00:08:28,768 --> 00:08:30,726 if I fell face-first into a pile of metal. 159 00:08:30,769 --> 00:08:31,964 - At first, I thought she was just 160 00:08:31,988 --> 00:08:33,643 some hippie drifter from Boulder, 161 00:08:33,686 --> 00:08:36,820 but, uh, then she showed me this right here. 162 00:08:42,259 --> 00:08:44,479 I remember this. 163 00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:46,873 This was the day she sat on my knee, 164 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,482 and we looked at the camera, 165 00:08:48,527 --> 00:08:50,049 and that person took our photograph. 166 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:53,400 - Yes, the daughter you've been telling me so much about, 167 00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,054 from your first wife before Isabelle, 168 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:57,230 and her name is... 169 00:08:57,274 --> 00:08:59,538 right on the tip of my tongue. 170 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:04,760 - Um, I think she said Liza. 171 00:09:04,803 --> 00:09:07,284 - Liza is her name. 172 00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,287 - Liza is her name. - Mm-hmm. 173 00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:11,549 I'm very fertile. 174 00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:14,945 This is my sweet little girl. 175 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,120 - Well, we caught your sweet little girl 176 00:09:17,163 --> 00:09:18,338 trying to steal a bike. 177 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:19,775 It turns out she's got a record 178 00:09:19,818 --> 00:09:21,691 for shoplifting in, uh, New Mexico. 179 00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:24,475 Her mama sent her to a camp for troubled teens, 180 00:09:24,519 --> 00:09:26,696 but she ran away 'cause she's troubled. 181 00:09:26,739 --> 00:09:29,350 - She also pulled my hair. 182 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,831 It didn't hurt, though. I have strong roots. 183 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:33,789 - Are you even aware of what's going on 184 00:09:33,832 --> 00:09:35,269 with your daughter, Doc? - Yes. 185 00:09:35,312 --> 00:09:39,403 Thank you for arresting her and throwing her in jail. 186 00:09:39,447 --> 00:09:41,600 - Well, hold on... I don't think there's any need for that, 187 00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,015 at least not yet. 188 00:09:43,059 --> 00:09:44,864 I'm all right with releasing her into your custody. 189 00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:48,630 - No, you throw her in jail. 190 00:09:48,673 --> 00:09:51,415 He's joking. 191 00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:54,201 He'll take her home. 192 00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:57,335 - Is this how humans feel when they have a child... 193 00:09:57,378 --> 00:10:01,513 Angry and resentful for having to care for a tiny thing? 194 00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:03,210 If she were a pet bird, 195 00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,691 I would leave the cage door open 196 00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:07,998 and the ceiling fan on. 197 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:12,131 - So, Liza, boot camp, huh? Why were you sent there? 198 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,351 - Murder. - Cool. 199 00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:16,701 Maybe we should call your mom, have her come pick you up. 200 00:10:16,745 --> 00:10:18,572 - Good luck... My mom is in Italy right now, 201 00:10:18,616 --> 00:10:20,966 getting fingered on a Vespa. 202 00:10:21,010 --> 00:10:22,273 - Good talk. 203 00:10:22,316 --> 00:10:27,017 - It's a bad... it's a bad talk. That was bad. 204 00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:29,583 - Why are you acting so weird? 205 00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:32,586 Wait, are you high? 206 00:10:32,630 --> 00:10:34,546 - Yes. 207 00:10:34,588 --> 00:10:37,288 Yes, he is. Ugh. 208 00:10:37,331 --> 00:10:39,725 - It's legal in Colorado. 209 00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,684 Do not bum my stone, man. 210 00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:44,643 Go home to your mother. 211 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,254 Asta will take you to the airport. 212 00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:48,734 - That was quick. 213 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,082 You usually at least pretend 214 00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:52,738 for a few days before you tell me to leave. 215 00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,131 I'll make it real easy for you. Have a nice life. 216 00:10:55,174 --> 00:10:58,177 - Okay, I will. 217 00:10:58,221 --> 00:11:00,702 Where is the bacon lady? 218 00:11:00,745 --> 00:11:03,226 - You can't just let her leave. - Mm? 219 00:11:03,269 --> 00:11:04,532 She wants to go. 220 00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:07,884 - She wants her father. We have to help her. 221 00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:10,059 - An hour ago, you wanted to go to New York 222 00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,278 to save the rest of the humans. 223 00:11:12,322 --> 00:11:13,802 You are flip-floppy. 224 00:11:13,846 --> 00:11:15,892 - She happens to be one of those humans. 225 00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:18,328 You killed her father, 226 00:11:18,371 --> 00:11:21,288 so we are staying here until we get her safely home. 227 00:11:24,943 --> 00:11:26,859 - She does not need our help. 228 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,427 She's already making friends. 229 00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:30,950 - Shit. 230 00:11:32,691 --> 00:11:34,345 - I think we can make that happen, yeah. 231 00:11:34,388 --> 00:11:35,844 You ever been on one before? - Oh, yes. 232 00:11:35,868 --> 00:11:37,522 - Let's do this thing. 233 00:11:37,565 --> 00:11:39,697 - Hey, nice bike. - Thanks. 234 00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,177 - I had the same one in high school. 235 00:11:41,221 --> 00:11:44,006 She's 16, so get the hell out of here. 236 00:11:45,703 --> 00:11:47,270 Faster. 237 00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:51,623 - You're not my mother. 238 00:11:51,665 --> 00:11:52,947 - I know. She's doing the Vespa thing. 239 00:11:52,971 --> 00:11:55,105 Look, I want to help you. 240 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,019 - Because you're my dad's newest sex toy? 241 00:11:57,062 --> 00:11:59,761 - Oh, my God, knock it off. We just work together. 242 00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:02,285 - Yeah, you're a little too old for him. 243 00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:05,288 - Look, my mom left me when I was a baby, 244 00:12:05,331 --> 00:12:08,466 so I know a few things about being abandoned. 245 00:12:08,509 --> 00:12:10,076 - So now I'm your therapist? 246 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,339 You know what? Eat shit. 247 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:13,731 - Yeah. Laugh it off. 248 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,951 And have a little pity party while you're at it. 249 00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:17,822 I'm not going to let you get on a motorcycle 250 00:12:17,866 --> 00:12:21,043 and get beat up by some asshole biker, okay? 251 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,884 - Did you really used to have that motorcycle? 252 00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:38,888 - No, my asshole biker boyfriend did. 253 00:12:43,674 --> 00:12:47,200 - I don't think my mom even wanted to go to Italy. 254 00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:50,421 I think she just needed an excuse to ship me off. 255 00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:55,860 I figured... 256 00:12:55,904 --> 00:12:58,081 I hadn't seen my dad in a while. 257 00:12:59,995 --> 00:13:02,475 I was just borrowing that bike to get to the cabin. 258 00:13:02,519 --> 00:13:04,783 I'm not a thief. 259 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:07,133 Not really. 260 00:13:07,177 --> 00:13:09,744 I mean, I do steal a lot of shit. 261 00:13:15,053 --> 00:13:17,274 Something's different. 262 00:13:18,884 --> 00:13:21,931 At least he used to go through the motions of being a father. 263 00:13:21,974 --> 00:13:25,282 - Yeah, well... 264 00:13:25,325 --> 00:13:28,676 he's not the same man you used to know. 265 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,940 Maybe just give him a chance. 266 00:13:34,812 --> 00:13:38,773 - I really miss you, Aunt Cathy. 267 00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,818 You were the only one I ever told 268 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,386 about the UFO I saw when I was a kid... 269 00:13:43,429 --> 00:13:44,605 except John. 270 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:48,479 He thinks I'm crazy but loves me anyway. 271 00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,875 God, I really hope you can hear me. 272 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:55,485 Aunt Cathy, if you're listening, 273 00:13:55,528 --> 00:13:57,443 please give me a sign. 274 00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,010 - Liv! - Oh! 275 00:13:59,054 --> 00:14:01,057 - Hey, Liv. - Hey. 276 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,405 - Just bringing Max by. 277 00:14:02,448 --> 00:14:04,755 His first father-son trip to the cemetery. 278 00:14:04,798 --> 00:14:06,932 - What is that tall thing? - Ah. 279 00:14:06,975 --> 00:14:09,892 That is a monument honoring the 59. 280 00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,414 The star on top represents 281 00:14:11,457 --> 00:14:13,807 the man that they went back to save. 282 00:14:13,851 --> 00:14:15,461 - It's more than a monument. 283 00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:18,073 They're all actually buried under there. 284 00:14:18,116 --> 00:14:20,293 It's a mass grave kind of thing. 285 00:14:20,336 --> 00:14:22,381 - Awesome. 286 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:25,124 - Really? Huh. 287 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,431 Well, uh, you'll be happy to hear this year 288 00:14:27,474 --> 00:14:30,216 at Patience Family Day the theme is "Remember When." 289 00:14:30,259 --> 00:14:33,959 So we'll be honoring the 59... Max stop digging. 290 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,961 I'm trying to rebrand the whole narrative, 291 00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:37,788 you know, just remind people that 292 00:14:37,831 --> 00:14:39,965 these aren't just 59 dead men. 293 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,749 You know, these are... these are heroes. 294 00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,142 - Mm, that sounds great. 295 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,815 - Yeah. We're going to have mining-themed games. 296 00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:46,275 Kids are putting on a play 297 00:14:46,318 --> 00:14:48,017 written by yours truly. - Ah. 298 00:14:48,059 --> 00:14:49,975 - Hey, maybe even get real authentic... 299 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,648 Swap out the toilet paper in the porta-potties 300 00:14:51,672 --> 00:14:54,240 for corn husks. - Yeah, maybe not that one. 301 00:14:54,283 --> 00:14:55,477 - Ah, I already started shucking. 302 00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,461 Well, uh, good to see you. - Yeah. 303 00:14:57,504 --> 00:14:58,941 - Okay. Come on, Max. 304 00:14:58,984 --> 00:15:01,899 - Hey, Max, I've been meaning to ask you something. 305 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,640 You know that sketch you had me do... 306 00:15:03,683 --> 00:15:05,076 The... the one of the alien? 307 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:09,385 - Oh, um... yeah, I made all that stuff up. 308 00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:10,691 Aliens aren't real. 309 00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,662 - Well, it looks like she's been here before. 310 00:15:24,705 --> 00:15:26,142 Nice talking with you. 311 00:15:26,184 --> 00:15:28,840 - This is a bad idea. I do not like children. 312 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:30,232 - Yes, you do. 313 00:15:30,275 --> 00:15:31,929 I saw the way you looked at Sunny's baby. 314 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,932 - That is different. A baby is tiny. 315 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,326 And it doesn't speak. 316 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,676 - Well, every baby grows into a Liza. 317 00:15:38,719 --> 00:15:40,591 - Then why do you feed them? 318 00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:44,028 - 'Cause if you don't, they will die. 319 00:15:44,072 --> 00:15:46,596 No, mm-mm. Don't even think about it. 320 00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:48,226 Anything happens to her or if she leaves, 321 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:49,860 we will have much bigger problems. 322 00:15:49,903 --> 00:15:52,341 Okay, keep her alive and happy 323 00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:54,212 until her mom comes home in a few days 324 00:15:54,256 --> 00:15:57,259 and we go to New York and save humanity. 325 00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:02,438 Also, try to act as normal as possible 326 00:16:02,481 --> 00:16:04,962 and keep the door to your alien bunker locked 327 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,443 and the talking octopus in your room. 328 00:16:09,097 --> 00:16:10,273 - I have got this. 329 00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:12,317 I can be a good father. 330 00:16:12,361 --> 00:16:14,190 I've seen a lot of television. 331 00:16:14,232 --> 00:16:16,452 - Ugh, what happened to the Wi-Fi? 332 00:16:16,495 --> 00:16:18,236 And it smells like dead people up here. 333 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,024 - Then you should take a shower... 334 00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:23,677 my darling daughter. 335 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,341 - Hey, hey, hey! 336 00:16:44,784 --> 00:16:47,004 Buddy, you took my spot. 337 00:16:48,179 --> 00:16:49,702 - Glad to see you got a new truck. 338 00:16:49,746 --> 00:16:52,183 It was the, uh, problem with the emergency brake 339 00:16:52,227 --> 00:16:54,032 on the last one, right? - Oh, you're real funny. 340 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,491 You could have killed someone. 341 00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:57,121 - Now you're pretending to care about other people. 342 00:16:57,145 --> 00:17:00,322 Hey, maybe show me how much you care with your fist. 343 00:17:00,365 --> 00:17:02,019 That's you do things, right? 344 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,475 - Looks like you already lost one fight today. 345 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,346 But keep playing with me, and we'll make it two. 346 00:17:05,371 --> 00:17:07,068 - It would be the honor of my life 347 00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:08,679 to lay your ass out. 348 00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:10,656 In fact, I'll do it twice... Once for me, once for Asta. 349 00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:11,811 - Well, if she's so upset, 350 00:17:11,855 --> 00:17:14,076 why did she stay at my house last night? 351 00:17:15,381 --> 00:17:16,599 Mm. 352 00:17:16,643 --> 00:17:18,253 - Bullshit. 353 00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,092 Yeah, good to see you. 354 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,095 - Hey, hey. 355 00:17:34,748 --> 00:17:36,054 - Got some good news. 356 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,056 - Oh, yeah, the Nats won four in a row. 357 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,710 - I'm not talking about the Nationals. 358 00:17:39,752 --> 00:17:42,146 My biopsy came back negative. 359 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:43,887 - Biopsy? What biopsy? 360 00:17:43,931 --> 00:17:45,299 - You're the one who kept nagging me 361 00:17:45,324 --> 00:17:46,673 to get my mole checked. 362 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:48,240 You drove me to the clinic. 363 00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:50,502 What? When? 364 00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,243 - Two weeks ago. 365 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:54,353 - Well, obviously you didn't tell me it was for a biopsy, 366 00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:55,682 or I would have remembered. 367 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:58,336 - Of course I told you. 368 00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:01,731 You ain't been the same since D.C. 369 00:18:01,775 --> 00:18:03,080 You got to deal with that. 370 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,083 See a doctor, psychiatrist, 371 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,692 hell, anybody. - Mm-hmm. 372 00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:09,218 Tell me, why exactly should I take mental-health advice 373 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,262 from somebody who stayed holed up in the house, 374 00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:13,090 refusing to speak to anybody for six months 375 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,657 when Mama died, huh? 376 00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:16,876 Yeah, well, I'm not the one carrying a deadly weapon. 377 00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,201 - Okay, all right, you know what? 378 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,029 Is this... is this what we have now? Is this us? 379 00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:21,838 We just gonna fight all the time? 380 00:18:21,882 --> 00:18:23,188 I got friends. They got dads. 381 00:18:23,231 --> 00:18:24,599 They go to games. They go fishing and shit. 382 00:18:24,624 --> 00:18:26,298 We ain't done nothing like that since I was a kid. 383 00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:28,279 Instead, all I got is you sitting across from me 384 00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,301 telling me all the things you think are wrong with me. 385 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,284 - You're a young man. 386 00:18:32,327 --> 00:18:34,590 It's not normal to forget stuff like that. 387 00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:47,691 What are we eating? 388 00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:50,693 - This is missing something. What is it? 389 00:18:50,737 --> 00:18:53,261 Oh, right, flavor. 390 00:18:53,305 --> 00:18:57,395 Have you ever heard of salt or a-a vegetable maybe? 391 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,050 - I did have some vegetables, 392 00:19:00,094 --> 00:19:01,878 but they grew organisms on them. 393 00:19:01,922 --> 00:19:03,532 - You know I can't eat gluten. 394 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,771 Did you forget that, or are you purposely trying to kill me? 395 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:07,840 - Would gluten kill you? 396 00:19:07,884 --> 00:19:09,973 - I'll just starve. - Mm. 397 00:19:10,017 --> 00:19:12,386 - You need to call my boot camp and tell them that I'm with you 398 00:19:12,411 --> 00:19:13,978 and I'm too sick to go back. 399 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,935 - That would be lying. 400 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:19,592 Lying is bad, young lady. 401 00:19:19,635 --> 00:19:22,028 I will now discipline you 402 00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:25,597 by sending you to bed without supper. 403 00:19:28,165 --> 00:19:29,471 - I already told you... 404 00:19:29,515 --> 00:19:31,189 I'm not going to eat your shitty gut-bomb pasta. 405 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:34,693 - Fine. Fine. Fine. 406 00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:37,480 More... more gluten for me. 407 00:19:37,522 --> 00:19:38,828 - Enjoy. 408 00:19:38,872 --> 00:19:40,395 - I am. 409 00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:45,096 - I know you feel like you're different. 410 00:19:45,138 --> 00:19:47,271 You are different. 411 00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:50,623 You can see what's going on. 412 00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:52,190 Aliens are real. 413 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,757 - Hey, uh, Deputy, where are you? 414 00:19:53,799 --> 00:19:57,455 That car was supposed to be back an hour ago. 415 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,763 - Uh, just at the market picking up supplies 416 00:20:00,807 --> 00:20:02,461 for the break room. - Hey, uh, Dep. 417 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,070 You know what? While you're there, 418 00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:05,266 go ahead and pick me up a lotto ticket. 419 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,161 Go ahead pick up one for Cletus, too. 420 00:20:07,204 --> 00:20:08,597 - Sure thing, Sheriff. 421 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,077 You want a lotto ticket? 422 00:20:13,558 --> 00:20:15,386 - You spent the night at Jimmy's? 423 00:20:16,779 --> 00:20:18,825 - It's not what you think. - What is wrong with you? 424 00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:20,628 How do you even get within ten feet of that creep 425 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,786 without ripping his face off? - Shh. 426 00:20:24,743 --> 00:20:27,311 - We had to deliver my cousin Sunny's baby, okay? 427 00:20:27,355 --> 00:20:29,314 It messed with my head. 428 00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:32,273 - Okay, great. So call your friends. 429 00:20:32,317 --> 00:20:35,364 - You don't understand. - No, I really don't. 430 00:20:35,406 --> 00:20:37,583 - Well, Jimmy does, so it's not a terrible surprise 431 00:20:37,626 --> 00:20:40,542 that I want to talk to him about it and not you. 432 00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:42,433 - I guess I'm just somebody who doesn't like watching 433 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,241 their best friend ruin their life. 434 00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:45,808 - Oh, really? 435 00:20:45,852 --> 00:20:48,376 And that's just something for me to do? 436 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:49,855 - What is that supposed to mean? 437 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,683 You think I don't know that you come in here 438 00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:52,771 for hangover IVs? 439 00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,208 - Sorry, D'arcy. 440 00:20:54,251 --> 00:20:56,340 - You want to talk about watching friends ruin lives? 441 00:20:56,384 --> 00:20:58,386 Let's talk about it. - You know, it's weird. 442 00:20:58,430 --> 00:21:00,301 You didn't seem worried about this 443 00:21:00,345 --> 00:21:01,409 until I started helping Jay. 444 00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:03,042 - Oh, is that what you're doing? 445 00:21:03,086 --> 00:21:05,175 You're "helping" her? 446 00:21:05,219 --> 00:21:06,568 - Yes. 447 00:21:06,612 --> 00:21:08,832 She needs somebody to talk to. 448 00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,573 Maybe she'll listen to my dating advice. 449 00:21:10,615 --> 00:21:12,575 - I'm not so sure you're the best person 450 00:21:12,617 --> 00:21:14,490 to be giving advice about men. 451 00:21:14,532 --> 00:21:15,882 - Wow. 452 00:21:15,925 --> 00:21:17,449 - D'arce. 453 00:21:17,492 --> 00:21:18,755 - Okay. 454 00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:35,902 - Where's Murphy? 455 00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,559 "If you ever want to see your dog again, 456 00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:43,866 return my alien ball... Alien." 457 00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:45,825 It's not even your dog. 458 00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:48,827 We win again. - No, we don't. 459 00:21:48,872 --> 00:21:50,655 Murphy's my responsibility. 460 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,657 Her owners pay me to walk her. 461 00:21:52,701 --> 00:21:55,182 We have to get her back. 462 00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:57,402 - Humans are obsessed with pets. 463 00:21:57,445 --> 00:22:00,099 If I give Liza this slobbering lump of fur, 464 00:22:00,144 --> 00:22:03,190 she will become so distracted taking care of the dog, 465 00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:05,323 I won't have to take care of her. 466 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:09,632 Liza, dear child, I have a gift for you. 467 00:22:12,808 --> 00:22:14,288 - Mm-hmm. 468 00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:15,507 - A dog? 469 00:22:15,550 --> 00:22:17,509 What am I supposed to do with that thing? 470 00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:19,381 You know mom's allergic. 471 00:22:23,645 --> 00:22:26,518 - This will be more difficult than I first thought. 472 00:23:00,596 --> 00:23:02,075 - Ew. 473 00:23:07,732 --> 00:23:10,257 - No, there's a... 474 00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:11,563 You... 475 00:23:11,606 --> 00:23:14,000 - Got the balloon arch going. 476 00:23:14,044 --> 00:23:17,221 This guy, old prospector... Looking great, everyone. 477 00:23:17,263 --> 00:23:19,092 - Hi, Kayla. - Hey, Kate. 478 00:23:19,135 --> 00:23:21,355 - Uh, isn't the booth supposed to be 479 00:23:21,398 --> 00:23:23,749 just back a couple feet? - Yeah, there was a rock there. 480 00:23:23,792 --> 00:23:27,404 - See, all the booths are supposed to be 30 feet apart. 481 00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:29,189 Did you know that the human brain 482 00:23:29,232 --> 00:23:31,278 gets pleasure from symmetry? 483 00:23:31,321 --> 00:23:33,279 - Did you know that the human ankle gets pain 484 00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:35,847 from breaking itself on a rock? 485 00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,720 - Oh, no. 486 00:23:37,762 --> 00:23:39,634 Why is there a murderer here? 487 00:23:39,677 --> 00:23:42,115 - Innocent until proven guilty. - Innocent? 488 00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:43,508 She's holding a weapon. 489 00:23:43,551 --> 00:23:46,597 - Honey, it's a paintbrush. - That's a weapon. 490 00:23:46,642 --> 00:23:48,948 "Hi. What would you like me to paint on your face... 491 00:23:48,991 --> 00:23:50,471 A nice little birdie?" 492 00:23:50,515 --> 00:23:52,256 "Take that kid." 493 00:23:54,953 --> 00:23:57,042 Keep an eye on her. 494 00:23:59,306 --> 00:24:00,873 - It's good to see you. 495 00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:04,834 - This is stupid. - It is not stupid. 496 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:06,791 This is Patience Family Day. 497 00:24:06,836 --> 00:24:08,358 We are a family in Patience, 498 00:24:08,402 --> 00:24:11,666 and this is what families in Patience do on this day. 499 00:24:11,710 --> 00:24:13,711 If she were home with me for one more second, 500 00:24:13,756 --> 00:24:16,801 I would kill her and feed her to my hungry octopus. 501 00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:18,064 - Can I at least drive? 502 00:24:18,107 --> 00:24:21,763 - Will you stop complaining? - Yes. 503 00:24:21,807 --> 00:24:23,982 - Okay. - Yes! 504 00:24:32,775 --> 00:24:34,645 Hurry. 505 00:24:34,690 --> 00:24:36,082 - Okay. 506 00:24:41,044 --> 00:24:44,002 Okay. Try not to kill us. 507 00:24:44,047 --> 00:24:45,701 - Calm down. It's fine. 508 00:24:45,743 --> 00:24:47,310 - This is a nightmare. 509 00:24:47,354 --> 00:24:49,835 How do human parents teach driving to their children 510 00:24:49,878 --> 00:24:51,357 without being terrified? 511 00:24:51,402 --> 00:24:54,230 The truck sounds like it wants you to shift now. 512 00:24:56,189 --> 00:24:58,887 - Oh, let's put on some tunes. 513 00:24:58,931 --> 00:25:01,846 Wait, watch out! 514 00:25:01,891 --> 00:25:05,676 - Stop being a backseat driver. - There is no back seat. 515 00:25:05,721 --> 00:25:07,853 It is a truck. 516 00:25:07,896 --> 00:25:11,116 It is a nice day, and... 517 00:25:11,161 --> 00:25:12,902 that is a beautiful stop sign approaching. 518 00:25:12,944 --> 00:25:14,556 You see it? - Where? 519 00:25:14,598 --> 00:25:15,817 There. 520 00:25:17,079 --> 00:25:18,255 - Watch it, asshole! 521 00:25:18,298 --> 00:25:20,561 Stop! That's it! Get out of that truck! 522 00:25:20,605 --> 00:25:22,651 You are the worst driver I've ever seen! 523 00:25:22,693 --> 00:25:26,175 - You're a jerk. I was finally having some fun. 524 00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,616 - Damn it. 525 00:25:34,357 --> 00:25:36,534 - Come on, we got to hurry. We'll be late for the play. 526 00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:38,188 - I don't want to give the ball back. 527 00:25:38,230 --> 00:25:40,016 - We have no choice. 528 00:25:40,058 --> 00:25:41,427 Do you know what a kidnapping review 529 00:25:41,451 --> 00:25:43,627 will do to my whole dog-walking business? 530 00:25:45,630 --> 00:25:46,979 Wait. 531 00:25:47,022 --> 00:25:49,634 Someone's been here. The satellite dish is gone. 532 00:25:51,767 --> 00:25:53,769 Oh, no. 533 00:26:02,778 --> 00:26:04,344 The ball. 534 00:26:06,651 --> 00:26:08,784 Who took it? 535 00:26:08,826 --> 00:26:11,002 - There's only one possibility. 536 00:26:42,904 --> 00:26:44,384 - Asta. 537 00:26:44,427 --> 00:26:45,907 - Hey, Harry. 538 00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:48,258 Thank you so much again for helping Sunny with her baby. 539 00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:49,519 You were amazing. 540 00:26:49,563 --> 00:26:51,391 - They are easy when they are babies. 541 00:26:51,434 --> 00:26:52,740 They cannot run away yet 542 00:26:52,784 --> 00:26:55,613 or almost kill you in a car accident. 543 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,093 - Run away? Did Liza leave? 544 00:26:57,135 --> 00:26:58,615 Oh! - Oh! 545 00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:01,663 - Uh, found her. - Oh, yep, teenage daughter. 546 00:27:02,750 --> 00:27:04,448 - Oh, Harry, maybe you should... 547 00:27:04,490 --> 00:27:06,755 - No. That's it. 548 00:27:06,798 --> 00:27:09,278 You are as bad at throwing 549 00:27:09,321 --> 00:27:12,107 as you are at driving! 550 00:27:12,151 --> 00:27:14,458 - Well, I must be a pretty good driver, then, 551 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:16,721 because you're soaking wet. 552 00:27:18,156 --> 00:27:21,464 - You are the worst daughter that I have. 553 00:27:21,508 --> 00:27:23,945 - I am your only daughter, you idiot! 554 00:27:23,989 --> 00:27:28,298 - If I had another daughter and she was bad, 555 00:27:28,340 --> 00:27:30,647 you would be worse! 556 00:27:30,692 --> 00:27:32,998 - Please stop, you guys. 557 00:27:33,041 --> 00:27:35,826 Uh, we only have a limited number of balloons. 558 00:27:35,871 --> 00:27:38,742 And, Judy, uh, I-I appreciate you dressing on theme, 559 00:27:38,787 --> 00:27:40,309 but could you cover up the cleavage? 560 00:27:40,353 --> 00:27:41,572 There are children here. 561 00:27:41,615 --> 00:27:43,442 - There's a theme? 562 00:27:43,487 --> 00:27:45,794 Not okay! 563 00:27:45,836 --> 00:27:47,098 No! Hey! 564 00:27:47,143 --> 00:27:49,144 Not... not okay. Hey! - Get him. 565 00:27:49,188 --> 00:27:50,972 - Summer fun, summer high jinks. 566 00:27:51,016 --> 00:27:53,626 Listen, you got to take it down here. 567 00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:54,672 Hey! - Ha ha ha! 568 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:56,326 - Okay, all right. 569 00:27:56,368 --> 00:27:57,761 Not okay! Oh! 570 00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,944 - I know you didn't kill Sam. 571 00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:08,990 - Oh... 572 00:28:09,034 --> 00:28:11,557 you have no idea how much that means to me. 573 00:28:14,518 --> 00:28:17,868 Okay. Bird or butterfly? 574 00:28:17,913 --> 00:28:22,787 - Uh, I was thinking more of a Ziggy Stardust-type thing. 575 00:28:22,830 --> 00:28:26,355 - Oh, okay, I like it. Let's see now. 576 00:28:41,066 --> 00:28:44,329 - Does the food you eat ever get caught in your lip metal? 577 00:28:47,072 --> 00:28:49,901 You're different than before, 578 00:28:49,944 --> 00:28:52,730 like, head-injury different. 579 00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:55,298 You've changed. - Yes, I know. 580 00:28:55,340 --> 00:28:59,040 - You ghosted me for, like, three years. 581 00:28:59,084 --> 00:29:00,738 I thought you hated me, 582 00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,087 - Then why did you come here? 583 00:29:03,132 --> 00:29:05,351 - To be honest, I was afraid to. 584 00:29:05,394 --> 00:29:07,396 I mean... 585 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,224 I've changed, too, obviously. 586 00:29:09,268 --> 00:29:12,054 I'm not the little girl you used to take fishing. 587 00:29:13,445 --> 00:29:14,925 But you're my family. 588 00:29:14,970 --> 00:29:17,493 I was hoping that'd be enough, 589 00:29:17,537 --> 00:29:18,930 'cause if it wasn't enough, 590 00:29:18,973 --> 00:29:23,413 I would have had to go back to that hellhole camp. 591 00:29:23,455 --> 00:29:25,675 - Dial their phone number. 592 00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:36,164 Hello, my name is Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle, 593 00:29:36,208 --> 00:29:39,645 and my daughter Liza isn't going to come back 594 00:29:39,690 --> 00:29:43,127 to your stupid camp. 595 00:29:43,172 --> 00:29:44,781 It is stupid. 596 00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,262 You are stupid. 597 00:29:47,306 --> 00:29:48,916 If you contact her again, 598 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,875 I will find you and your family. 599 00:29:50,919 --> 00:29:52,789 - That should cover it. 600 00:29:52,834 --> 00:29:55,009 Mm-hmm. 601 00:29:57,621 --> 00:29:59,362 Hey... 602 00:29:59,404 --> 00:30:00,884 win me a prize? 603 00:30:04,323 --> 00:30:08,893 - I will win myself a prize and consider giving it to you. 604 00:30:08,936 --> 00:30:10,286 - Fair enough. 605 00:30:16,465 --> 00:30:19,817 - All right, time for the 52nd Annual Family Day 606 00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:21,426 Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest. 607 00:30:21,471 --> 00:30:23,559 You should eat more. 608 00:30:23,603 --> 00:30:25,997 - No. Need to line the stomach. 609 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,044 Trust me, I've won this contest every year since I was 13, 610 00:30:29,086 --> 00:30:30,926 except the year that Ethiopian exchange student 611 00:30:30,959 --> 00:30:32,307 threw me for a loop. 612 00:30:32,351 --> 00:30:34,396 - Biniyam! - You're so gonna win. 613 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,398 Have you seen everyone else at the table? 614 00:30:36,442 --> 00:30:37,661 They're all, like, adults. 615 00:30:37,703 --> 00:30:38,967 - I'm an adult. 616 00:30:39,009 --> 00:30:42,057 - Shut up. No, you're not. - Okay. 617 00:30:42,099 --> 00:30:43,250 - Will all remaining entrants 618 00:30:43,275 --> 00:30:44,885 please make their way to the table? 619 00:30:44,929 --> 00:30:47,452 Let's get started. - Whoo! Let's go, D'arce! 620 00:30:47,497 --> 00:30:49,586 - I've been practicing with, like, hot things... 621 00:30:49,628 --> 00:30:53,328 Like, getting, like, big, hot things in my mouth. 622 00:30:53,372 --> 00:30:55,634 I mean, this is the first time its pepper. 623 00:30:55,679 --> 00:30:57,942 - Okay, we are just about to start. 624 00:30:57,986 --> 00:31:01,250 - What are you doing? - What? I love spicy food. 625 00:31:01,292 --> 00:31:02,903 - This isn't spicy food. 626 00:31:02,946 --> 00:31:04,730 This is the stuff they put a tiny bit of in 627 00:31:04,775 --> 00:31:06,429 to make spicy food. 628 00:31:06,471 --> 00:31:09,345 - Afraid I'm going to beat you? - I'm afraid you're gonna die. 629 00:31:09,387 --> 00:31:11,259 - You're going down this year, skank. 630 00:31:11,303 --> 00:31:13,784 - Not as often as you. - True, true. 631 00:31:13,826 --> 00:31:16,526 - First up is a very mild banana pepper. 632 00:31:16,568 --> 00:31:20,442 Eat! 633 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:27,624 I'm on fire! 634 00:31:27,666 --> 00:31:31,279 Nope, nope, nope, I'm out! I'm out! 635 00:31:31,323 --> 00:31:33,891 Ow. No, no, no. 636 00:31:36,023 --> 00:31:38,155 - Oh, hey, Doc, um... 637 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,984 can I talk to you in private for a minute? 638 00:31:41,028 --> 00:31:42,595 - Nice alien. 639 00:31:42,638 --> 00:31:44,205 - Thanks. My dad stole it for me. 640 00:31:44,249 --> 00:31:47,251 - Oh, that... That's a little bit illegal. 641 00:31:47,296 --> 00:31:49,079 - It's, like, super cheap, so... 642 00:31:49,124 --> 00:31:51,057 - Yeah, doesn't really... It's more the principle. 643 00:31:51,082 --> 00:31:53,084 - Okay. - Here. 644 00:31:55,217 --> 00:31:57,522 Look, uh, I'll make this quick. 645 00:31:57,567 --> 00:32:01,440 All right, um, two weeks ago, I took my dad to get a biopsy, 646 00:32:01,483 --> 00:32:03,398 except I don't remember taking him. 647 00:32:03,442 --> 00:32:05,115 I don't remember anything... As a matter of fact, 648 00:32:05,140 --> 00:32:06,813 I don't remember anything about that day at all 649 00:32:06,836 --> 00:32:08,577 except talking to the FBI. 650 00:32:08,621 --> 00:32:10,013 That's not normal, right? 651 00:32:10,057 --> 00:32:12,233 - He is right. It is not normal. 652 00:32:12,277 --> 00:32:14,148 And it is also very bad for me. 653 00:32:14,192 --> 00:32:16,126 - All right, now get this... It gets weirder, right? 654 00:32:16,151 --> 00:32:17,413 Now, I haven't told Deputy Liv 655 00:32:17,455 --> 00:32:18,980 anything about me forgetting that day 656 00:32:19,022 --> 00:32:20,131 'cause I don't want her to freak out, 657 00:32:20,154 --> 00:32:21,765 but she's got gaps in her memory 658 00:32:21,807 --> 00:32:23,288 for that exact same day, too. 659 00:32:23,332 --> 00:32:25,987 You think if I came by office, you could check me out? 660 00:32:26,029 --> 00:32:27,249 - This is bad. 661 00:32:27,291 --> 00:32:28,990 If he starts investigating this, 662 00:32:29,032 --> 00:32:30,903 he might remember that I'm a murderer 663 00:32:30,948 --> 00:32:32,557 and possibly a werewolf. 664 00:32:32,602 --> 00:32:34,038 Yes. 665 00:32:34,082 --> 00:32:36,432 I will do what I can to help with your memory. 666 00:32:36,474 --> 00:32:37,911 - I appreciate it. 667 00:32:37,954 --> 00:32:40,479 You know, my dad... he tells me it's emotional, right? 668 00:32:40,522 --> 00:32:42,480 That it's in my head. 669 00:32:42,525 --> 00:32:45,309 I lost a friend a few years back, and... 670 00:32:45,354 --> 00:32:48,096 truth is, I don't think I've had a good day since. 671 00:32:48,138 --> 00:32:49,792 Does that make sense? 672 00:32:49,836 --> 00:32:51,969 - Yes, that makes sense. 673 00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:55,103 - All I got left now is my dad, and... 674 00:32:55,145 --> 00:32:57,192 who knows for how long, right? 675 00:32:57,234 --> 00:33:00,107 If I can't remember the time I'm spending with him, then... 676 00:33:00,151 --> 00:33:02,719 - Sit down. - Right here? 677 00:33:02,761 --> 00:33:04,547 - Mm. - Okay. 678 00:33:06,853 --> 00:33:09,595 - Let me lead you through a meditation 679 00:33:09,638 --> 00:33:11,857 that will help with your grief. - Okay. 680 00:33:11,902 --> 00:33:13,643 - And put a memory in your head 681 00:33:13,685 --> 00:33:14,991 so you leave me alone. 682 00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:16,166 - All right. 683 00:33:21,346 --> 00:33:23,347 - We are getting up there now. 684 00:33:23,392 --> 00:33:28,092 Next is the Trinidad Scorpion at 1.2 million Scoville units. 685 00:33:28,135 --> 00:33:30,486 - This is gonna turn out bad. 686 00:33:30,528 --> 00:33:33,054 - Why are you doing this? Take your milk. 687 00:33:33,096 --> 00:33:34,316 - I feel great. 688 00:33:34,358 --> 00:33:37,579 - All right, D'arcy! You can do this, Asta! 689 00:33:40,322 --> 00:33:42,585 Whoo, Asta! Yes. 690 00:33:44,152 --> 00:33:45,805 Mm-mm. 691 00:33:45,848 --> 00:33:47,913 - Oh, God, that's not the way you're supposed to eat that. 692 00:33:47,938 --> 00:33:49,853 - I'm fine, I'm fine. - No, you're not. 693 00:33:49,895 --> 00:33:51,723 You're not gonna be fine. - Oh, God. 694 00:33:52,898 --> 00:33:55,945 All right. 695 00:33:55,989 --> 00:33:59,036 I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. 696 00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:01,343 - And the winner and new champion is 697 00:34:01,385 --> 00:34:02,734 Ellen Cho! 698 00:34:07,653 --> 00:34:10,568 - Bow to me! Bow! 699 00:34:10,612 --> 00:34:12,634 - The play's about to start. I saved you guys some seats. 700 00:34:12,657 --> 00:34:14,878 - Oh, I'm excited. - I don't do no plays. 701 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,240 I don't play. I don't watch plays. 702 00:34:16,271 --> 00:34:17,900 I don't want... I ain't want to do no plays. 703 00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:19,490 - Oh, come on, come on, come on. 704 00:34:19,534 --> 00:34:21,057 Come on, let's go. 705 00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:22,581 - Did you write it? - I did. 706 00:34:22,625 --> 00:34:24,931 - Wow, a pickax for my tenth birthday? 707 00:34:24,974 --> 00:34:26,150 Thanks, Dad! 708 00:34:26,193 --> 00:34:28,673 We're all miners now. 709 00:34:28,717 --> 00:34:31,112 - Mining built the town of Patience, Colorado. 710 00:34:31,155 --> 00:34:33,070 At one time, every able-bodied man 711 00:34:33,114 --> 00:34:35,724 who lived here worked the mine. 712 00:34:35,768 --> 00:34:38,989 Then one cold January day in 1884, 713 00:34:39,032 --> 00:34:40,903 heroes were born. 714 00:34:43,907 --> 00:34:46,387 - Oh, no! It could be a cave-in! 715 00:34:46,431 --> 00:34:50,739 Run for your lives! 716 00:34:50,782 --> 00:34:52,436 - Help! Help! 717 00:34:52,481 --> 00:34:54,090 - There's one man still in the mine! 718 00:34:54,135 --> 00:34:56,398 - We must go back for him! 719 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:59,748 - 59 brave men refused to leave one man behind. 720 00:34:59,791 --> 00:35:01,619 They were heroes. 721 00:35:01,664 --> 00:35:04,405 - How much of the town budget did you spend on this play? 722 00:35:04,449 --> 00:35:06,842 - Eight percent. - Eight perc... 723 00:35:08,322 --> 00:35:11,413 What happened in the mine after it collapsed. 724 00:35:13,197 --> 00:35:15,764 - We're boulders, and we're here to kill miners. 725 00:35:15,807 --> 00:35:18,202 - All must die. 726 00:35:47,231 --> 00:35:49,668 - All my organs are hemorrhaging. 727 00:35:51,844 --> 00:35:54,282 - My leg, my leg. 728 00:35:54,324 --> 00:35:57,632 - 59 men succumbed to their crush injuries that day. 729 00:35:57,675 --> 00:36:00,809 And one man, who was trapped in an air pocket, 730 00:36:00,853 --> 00:36:04,335 died of loneliness and thirst three days later. 731 00:36:04,378 --> 00:36:08,382 - I'm so thirsty and so lonely. 732 00:36:10,079 --> 00:36:13,300 - To the 59 and to Air Pocket Pete. 733 00:36:13,344 --> 00:36:15,606 - I don't think his name was actually Pete, 734 00:36:15,650 --> 00:36:18,653 but, you know, it works, and it works well. 735 00:36:54,342 --> 00:36:56,168 Terrible, man. 736 00:37:18,539 --> 00:37:20,324 Here, this'll help. 737 00:37:20,367 --> 00:37:23,414 Thanks. I need, like, six or seven more of these. 738 00:37:29,420 --> 00:37:32,684 I shouldn't have said what I said about you and Jay. 739 00:37:32,728 --> 00:37:34,817 I didn't mean it. 740 00:37:34,860 --> 00:37:37,166 - No, you meant it. 741 00:37:37,210 --> 00:37:39,690 Okay, I meant it. 742 00:37:39,735 --> 00:37:42,172 I was mad, and I was wrong. 743 00:37:42,215 --> 00:37:44,130 No, you weren't. 744 00:37:44,173 --> 00:37:45,697 You were right. 745 00:37:45,740 --> 00:37:47,264 My parents took me out to dinner, 746 00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,440 and my response was to go get blackout drunk. 747 00:37:49,483 --> 00:37:52,574 - Your parents are assholes. 748 00:37:52,617 --> 00:37:55,358 I mean, I love them, but come on. 749 00:37:55,402 --> 00:37:57,447 - I should be better at dealing with them by now. 750 00:37:57,492 --> 00:37:59,710 I'm not 15. 751 00:37:59,755 --> 00:38:01,539 I'm a mess. 752 00:38:01,583 --> 00:38:03,367 - No. 753 00:38:03,411 --> 00:38:05,978 I'm a mess. Look at me. 754 00:38:06,021 --> 00:38:08,938 I don't want to be messy. 755 00:38:08,981 --> 00:38:10,809 - I don't want that either. 756 00:38:10,853 --> 00:38:12,637 We can't both be messes at the same time. 757 00:38:12,681 --> 00:38:14,378 Otherwise it's chaos. 758 00:38:16,423 --> 00:38:20,384 - Going to Jimmy's was so dumb. 759 00:38:20,427 --> 00:38:23,039 I just... 760 00:38:24,170 --> 00:38:26,563 He just went through it, you know? 761 00:38:26,608 --> 00:38:27,652 I mean, he was an asshole, 762 00:38:27,695 --> 00:38:29,827 but he was there when Jay was born, 763 00:38:29,871 --> 00:38:32,396 and he was there for me through all the freakouts 764 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:35,007 after I gave her up. 765 00:38:37,793 --> 00:38:40,795 - I guess I'm so used to being sad with him, 766 00:38:40,838 --> 00:38:42,840 something about it feels normal. 767 00:38:44,452 --> 00:38:48,019 - I don't think that's supposed to feel normal. 768 00:38:48,063 --> 00:38:50,675 You know, I wasn't around when all that stuff went down, 769 00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:52,764 but I'm here now. 770 00:38:52,807 --> 00:38:55,637 And I always will be. 771 00:38:55,679 --> 00:38:58,813 You know that, right? 772 00:38:58,856 --> 00:39:01,425 Right. 773 00:39:02,860 --> 00:39:06,429 - When I woke up on his couch... 774 00:39:06,474 --> 00:39:08,563 I saw that picture of us from the senior year 775 00:39:08,606 --> 00:39:12,043 where I'm wearing that stupid football sweatshirt. 776 00:39:14,132 --> 00:39:16,831 That thing is still in my trunk. 777 00:39:18,355 --> 00:39:20,400 - I think you should go get that sweatshirt. 778 00:39:23,490 --> 00:39:25,753 - Yeah. Yeah. - Why? 779 00:39:25,797 --> 00:39:26,929 - Yeah. - Why? 780 00:39:26,972 --> 00:39:27,972 - Yeah. - Why? 781 00:39:29,887 --> 00:39:31,193 What are you gonna do? 782 00:39:31,237 --> 00:39:33,456 What are you gonna do? 783 00:39:58,047 --> 00:40:00,266 - We'll only be gone a couple of days. 784 00:40:00,309 --> 00:40:01,746 You're sure you're okay here alone? 785 00:40:01,789 --> 00:40:03,094 - Ah, of course. 786 00:40:03,139 --> 00:40:05,663 Who cares if everyone hated the play 787 00:40:05,706 --> 00:40:07,143 and me for writing it? 788 00:40:07,186 --> 00:40:10,188 - Not everyone in the audience hated it. 789 00:40:10,233 --> 00:40:11,800 And that woman who screamed at you 790 00:40:11,842 --> 00:40:13,563 is one of those complainer moms from school. 791 00:40:19,023 --> 00:40:20,764 - You're singing the song. 792 00:40:20,809 --> 00:40:23,027 - Yeah, it's the best song ever. 793 00:40:23,072 --> 00:40:26,684 And the play was awesome. The blood looked so cool. 794 00:40:26,728 --> 00:40:29,164 See you in a couple days. 795 00:40:32,429 --> 00:40:35,170 - Wow. Did you see that? Max loved it. 796 00:40:35,213 --> 00:40:38,130 - See? You got yourself all worked up over nothing. 797 00:40:38,173 --> 00:40:40,568 By next year, everyone will have forgotten all about it, 798 00:40:40,610 --> 00:40:42,047 and you can do another play. 799 00:40:42,090 --> 00:40:44,179 - No way. I mean, you heard Max. 800 00:40:44,222 --> 00:40:45,485 The play worked. 801 00:40:45,528 --> 00:40:48,139 No, we'll... we'll do it even bigger next year. 802 00:40:48,184 --> 00:40:51,143 You know, bigger boulders, maybe... maybe even more blood. 803 00:40:52,666 --> 00:40:54,885 - Great. 804 00:40:54,929 --> 00:40:56,800 Okay. Bye, honey. - Okay, bye. 805 00:40:56,844 --> 00:40:59,063 Bye-bye. Okay. 806 00:40:59,108 --> 00:41:02,067 Have fun at your mom's. 807 00:41:05,114 --> 00:41:07,550 - Bye, Dad! - Bye, honey! 808 00:41:23,349 --> 00:41:24,568 - Thanks. 809 00:41:24,612 --> 00:41:27,092 - Just take care of yourself. 810 00:41:27,135 --> 00:41:28,353 At the end of the day, 811 00:41:28,398 --> 00:41:31,009 you can't depend on anyone else but you. 812 00:41:31,052 --> 00:41:33,228 - My mom would never say something like that. 813 00:41:34,882 --> 00:41:37,188 But I think you're right. 814 00:41:37,233 --> 00:41:38,929 Thanks. 815 00:41:40,757 --> 00:41:42,106 - I... 816 00:41:52,813 --> 00:41:55,164 - You're a better father than I remember. 817 00:41:55,206 --> 00:41:57,644 I'm glad we got to spend time together. 818 00:41:57,688 --> 00:42:00,298 I might even miss you a little. 819 00:42:00,342 --> 00:42:02,606 - I am glad. 820 00:42:02,650 --> 00:42:04,739 I miss my family, too. 821 00:42:04,782 --> 00:42:06,784 - All right, folks. 822 00:42:06,827 --> 00:42:08,742 - I have also changed. 823 00:42:08,786 --> 00:42:10,222 - Ticket, please. 824 00:42:10,266 --> 00:42:14,443 - But the alien in New York is my family. 825 00:42:14,487 --> 00:42:17,534 So maybe they will help me anyway. 826 00:42:19,710 --> 00:42:21,320 I have to try. 827 00:42:21,364 --> 00:42:23,626 I am ready to go to New York now. 828 00:42:26,804 --> 00:42:29,327 I am not worried. 829 00:42:29,371 --> 00:42:32,418 I know I am much more alien than human. 830 00:42:35,769 --> 00:42:37,902 - Sheriff, can I tell you something? 831 00:42:37,945 --> 00:42:39,860 - All right, go ahead. Lay it on me. 832 00:42:39,903 --> 00:42:42,951 - You know that day the FBI guy came, 833 00:42:42,994 --> 00:42:47,041 the day that neither of us can remember? 834 00:42:47,085 --> 00:42:49,086 I think an alien erased our memory. 835 00:42:49,130 --> 00:42:50,827 There, I said it. 836 00:42:50,871 --> 00:42:52,351 - Well, I can't speak for you, Deputy, 837 00:42:52,394 --> 00:42:56,181 but, um, I remember exactly what I was doing that day. 838 00:42:56,224 --> 00:42:59,445 It was a good day. Actually, a very good day. 839 00:43:01,708 --> 00:43:03,449 - Okay. 840 00:43:08,802 --> 00:43:11,675 - Only an alien would have been able to put a memory 841 00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:13,458 in the sheriff's head. 842 00:43:20,771 --> 00:43:24,905 And if that memory gave him a good day... 843 00:43:24,949 --> 00:43:27,516 then that is just a coincidence. 60692

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