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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:03,264 - Previously on "Resident Alien"... 2 00:00:03,307 --> 00:00:05,092 - How could I not remember? 3 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,745 - When people experience a loss of time, 4 00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:09,009 it's often because they've been abducted by aliens. 5 00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,401 - I'm an alien. 6 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:12,403 We are very good at changing people's memories. 7 00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:15,580 - FBI. The murderer is not Harry Vanderspeigle. 8 00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:17,626 - Guess what--you're not getting your ball back. 9 00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:19,976 I've hidden it where you'll never find it. 10 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,282 - Abigail Hodges, you're under arrest 11 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,848 for the murder of Sam Hodges. 12 00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:25,025 - I have built a radio. 13 00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:26,504 The signal will tell my people 14 00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:29,899 not to come and kill everyone... 15 00:00:29,942 --> 00:00:31,161 for 50 years. 16 00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:34,817 - We need to stop it! - No! 17 00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,253 It's receiving a signal. 18 00:00:36,297 --> 00:00:39,778 It's a phone number from New York City. 19 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693 - Sunny went into labor all of a sudden. 20 00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,567 - I can fix it. - Let the doctor do his job. 21 00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,743 - I've held a lot of babies since Jay was born. 22 00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:52,139 - I understand now why you feel guilty. 23 00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:05,413 Go after him. 24 00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,067 Flush him out. I'll meet you on the other side. 25 00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:08,242 - I got it. 26 00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:11,114 Police, drop the weapon! 27 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,724 - Shit. 28 00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:15,075 Dispatch, this is unit 92. I got shots fired. 29 00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,685 Need backup at my location. 30 00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:19,166 Jesse! Jesse! - Copy that. 31 00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,645 Backup en route. 32 00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,605 - Jesse? 33 00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:24,997 Jesse? 34 00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,266 I got an officer down. 35 00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:43,059 Mike. 36 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,671 Come on, man, I know you're in there. 37 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:54,462 Bill, I can't do that, man. 38 00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:58,074 Mike, you're the only one he would have trusted with him. 39 00:02:08,824 --> 00:02:10,434 - You take care of yourself, okay? 40 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,871 - Thanks. Thanks, man. 41 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:20,140 I miss him, too, Cletus. 42 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,274 Welcome to your new home. 43 00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:37,635 - 1,900 miles-- 44 00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:40,551 that's how close I am to New York City, 45 00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:42,640 to one of my people. 46 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,948 1,900 miles from standing in front of a being 47 00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,471 who knows what I know... 48 00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:50,866 who has stood in the ice wind desert as a child. 49 00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:53,216 I am different now. 50 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,957 Asta knows this version of me, 51 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,352 but I am 1,900 miles from being with someone 52 00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,789 who knows the alien part of me-- 53 00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,965 the real me. 54 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:08,405 So why can I not dial this number? 55 00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:32,037 - Hey. - Oh. 56 00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:33,256 Hey. 57 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:37,782 - It was nice to talk to you last night. 58 00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,482 Kind of felt like old times again. 59 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,353 What? - Oh. 60 00:03:43,397 --> 00:03:45,094 - W-what--what are you upset about? 61 00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,488 Nothing happened. All we did was talk about Jay. 62 00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:49,533 - Yeah, I know. - Asta. 63 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,927 - I shouldn't have come here. - I did-- 64 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:56,758 Please, you don't have to go. - Yes, I do. 65 00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:11,294 - Nice seeing you at Laurant's last night. 66 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,992 - Mm, mm. 67 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,655 - I saw you left pretty quickly. 68 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,919 You know, if there's ever anything 69 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,660 you want to talk about, like, no big deal, 70 00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,749 but you can talk to me. 71 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:37,102 Thank you, Deputy. 72 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:39,235 Now that you mention it, 73 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,368 I'd like to know what you've been scribbling down 74 00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:42,760 in your little notebook there. 75 00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:45,415 You doing another solo investigation? 76 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,593 - Do you remember my dress you picked up from the cleaners? 77 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:52,161 The one I don't remember dropping off? 78 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,336 - And what dress you talking about? 79 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,859 You talking about that green dress, 80 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,470 or you talking about that dress you talk about every day 81 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:57,993 like it's some kind of government conspiracy? 82 00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,865 You have to admit it's weird. 83 00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:03,912 - Basically the whole day is a blank. 84 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,566 Do you remember it? - I mean, no. 85 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,089 But I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. 86 00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,830 You know, ask me what color socks I'm wearing. 87 00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:11,789 - What color socks are you wearing? 88 00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,400 - Well, actually, I'm wearing black socks 89 00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:14,836 'cause that's all I own-- is black socks. 90 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,446 But if I did own socks that was a different color, 91 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,143 I wouldn't remember what color I was wearing. 92 00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,319 You know why? It don't matter. 93 00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:22,060 - Sir, you might want to look at this. 94 00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:26,500 - What the hell she doing? That's Miss Taylor bike. 95 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:30,112 Oh, shit. Hell, no. Hell, no! 96 00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:32,854 Hey, get off that bike! Get off that damn bike! 97 00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:34,464 That ain't your bike. - Come on, Sheriff! 98 00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,771 - Hey, I can outrun that bike! 99 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,383 - Ellen? 100 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:44,822 Hey, Ellen, can you cover for me? 101 00:05:44,866 --> 00:05:46,433 I got to take care of something. 102 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:47,999 - Sure. - Okay. Thanks. 103 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:48,957 I won't be long. 104 00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:57,269 Close call. 105 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,662 Almost as close as you were 106 00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:01,012 to getting your eye poked out by a tree. 107 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:04,842 - In my defense, I had just had dinner with my parents. 108 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:07,454 Also, that tree was waving pretty wildly. 109 00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,370 - Listen, as a medical professional, 110 00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:13,024 I suggest you drink a little less. 111 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:17,028 But as a single bitch living in this dead-ass town, 112 00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,944 I suggest you invite me out next time. 113 00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:21,511 - Wow. 114 00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:22,730 All right. 115 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:25,254 - Yeah, there's more of that. - Okay. 116 00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:32,653 - What do you mean you got a phone number from an alien? 117 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,785 Why didn't you tell me sooner? What did they say? 118 00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:38,223 - Well, I did not call. It might be a trap. 119 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,008 - It's not a trap. 120 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,749 - If you worried more about traps, 121 00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,925 then you would still be in the ocean 122 00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:47,668 instead of in a box of water in the mountains. 123 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:49,974 - Does this thing have to keep popping into my head? 124 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,454 - You think I like it in there? 125 00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,151 It's darker than the woods in a Tim Burton movie. 126 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,066 - You shut the hell up about what's in my head 127 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,199 and stop putting the TV on in front of this thing. 128 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,940 - He's not calling 129 00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,595 because he's afraid his people will reject him. 130 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,248 He's worried he's too human. 131 00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:04,772 - That is a lie! 132 00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:07,905 Liars do not get food. - I'm kidding. 133 00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,646 Can't you take a joke? It's obviously a trap. 134 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,561 - Good octopus. 135 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,650 - Okay. We don't have any other leads. 136 00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:16,348 And if we don't do anything, everyone is going to die. 137 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:19,090 So, if you don't call that phone number, I will. 138 00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,570 - Fine. 139 00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:23,747 - Okay. 140 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,227 Mm. 141 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:29,579 - Hello. Can I talk to the alien, please? 142 00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:32,495 Mm. 143 00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,715 He hung up. 144 00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,195 He knows my mother. 145 00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,980 And they had intercourse. 146 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,071 - Demelio's Pizzeria, East Third Street. 147 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,508 Pack your bags. We're going to New York. 148 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:48,598 - I cannot go to New York. The octopus is right. 149 00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,818 I have changed. I am too human. 150 00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,776 What if the alien will not help me? 151 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,735 - I heard that. He just admitted it. 152 00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,780 - Get out of my head. 153 00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,309 - Well, answer it. It might be them. 154 00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,183 - Hello? 155 00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,446 - Morning, Doc. It's the Sheriff. 156 00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,322 - Hi, Dad. 157 00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,682 - This is weird-- she looks like me, 158 00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,684 if I fell face-first into a pile of metal. 159 00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:31,902 - At first, I thought she was just 160 00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,600 some hippie drifter from Boulder, 161 00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:36,777 but, uh, then she showed me this right here. 162 00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,436 I remember this. 163 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,830 This was the day she sat on my knee, 164 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,440 and we looked at the camera, 165 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,007 and that person took our photograph. 166 00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:53,358 - Yes, the daughter you've been telling me so much about, 167 00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:55,012 from your first wife before Isabelle, 168 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,188 and her name is... 169 00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:59,495 right on the tip of my tongue. 170 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,718 - Um, I think she said Liza. 171 00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,242 - Liza is her name. 172 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,244 - Liza is her name. - Mm-hmm. 173 00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:11,507 I'm very fertile. 174 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,902 This is my sweet little girl. 175 00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:17,078 - Well, we caught your sweet little girl 176 00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:18,296 trying to steal a bike. 177 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,733 It turns out she's got a record 178 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,648 for shoplifting in, uh, New Mexico. 179 00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:24,433 Her mama sent her to a camp for troubled teens, 180 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,653 but she ran away 'cause she's troubled. 181 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,307 - She also pulled my hair. 182 00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:31,788 It didn't hurt, though. I have strong roots. 183 00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,747 - Are you even aware of what's going on 184 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,226 with your daughter, Doc? - Yes. 185 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:39,361 Thank you for arresting her and throwing her in jail. 186 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,537 - Well, hold on--I don't think there's any need for that, 187 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,973 at least not yet. 188 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,801 I'm all right with releasing her into your custody. 189 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:48,588 - No, you throw her in jail. 190 00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:51,373 He's joking. 191 00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:54,158 He'll take her home. 192 00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:57,292 - Is this how humans feel when they have a child-- 193 00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:01,470 angry and resentful for having to care for a tiny thing? 194 00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,167 If she were a pet bird, 195 00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:05,648 I would leave the cage door open 196 00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,955 and the ceiling fan on. 197 00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:12,089 - So, Liza, boot camp, huh? Why were you sent there? 198 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,309 - Murder. - Cool. 199 00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,659 Maybe we should call your mom, have her come pick you up. 200 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,530 - Good luck-- my mom is in Italy right now, 201 00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,924 getting fingered on a Vespa. 202 00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:22,230 - Good talk. 203 00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:26,974 - It's a bad--it's a bad talk. That was bad. 204 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,541 - Why are you acting so weird? 205 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:32,544 Wait, are you high? 206 00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:34,503 - Yes. 207 00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:37,245 Yes, he is. Ugh. 208 00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,682 - It's legal in Colorado. 209 00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,642 Do not bum my stone, man. 210 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,600 Go home to your mother. 211 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,211 Asta will take you to the airport. 212 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,691 - That was quick. 213 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,040 You usually at least pretend 214 00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:52,695 for a few days before you tell me to leave. 215 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,089 I'll make it real easy for you. Have a nice life. 216 00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:58,135 - Okay, I will. 217 00:10:58,179 --> 00:11:00,660 Where is the bacon lady? 218 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,184 - You can't just let her leave. - Mm? 219 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:04,489 She wants to go. 220 00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:07,841 - She wants her father. We have to help her. 221 00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:10,017 - An hour ago, you wanted to go to New York 222 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,236 to save the rest of the humans. 223 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,760 You are flip-floppy. 224 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,849 - She happens to be one of those humans. 225 00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:18,286 You killed her father, 226 00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:21,245 so we are staying here until we get her safely home. 227 00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,816 - She does not need our help. 228 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,384 She's already making friends. 229 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:30,907 - Shit. 230 00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,302 - I think we can make that happen, yeah. 231 00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,782 You ever been on one before? - Oh, yes. 232 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,479 - Let's do this thing. 233 00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:39,655 - Hey, nice bike. - Thanks. 234 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,135 - I had the same one in high school. 235 00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,964 She's 16, so get the hell out of here. 236 00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,228 Faster. 237 00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:51,580 - You're not my mother. 238 00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:52,886 - I know. She's doing the Vespa thing. 239 00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,062 Look, I want to help you. 240 00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:56,977 - Because you're my dad's newest sex toy? 241 00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,719 - Oh, my God, knock it off. We just work together. 242 00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,243 - Yeah, you're a little too old for him. 243 00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:05,246 - Look, my mom left me when I was a baby, 244 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:08,423 so I know a few things about being abandoned. 245 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,033 - So now I'm your therapist? 246 00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:12,296 You know what? Eat shit. 247 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,689 - Yeah. Laugh it off. 248 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,909 And have a little pity party while you're at it. 249 00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,780 I'm not going to let you get on a motorcycle 250 00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:21,001 and get beat up by some asshole biker, okay? 251 00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,842 - Did you really used to have that motorcycle? 252 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:38,845 - No, my asshole biker boyfriend did. 253 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:47,157 - I don't think my mom even wanted to go to Italy. 254 00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:50,378 I think she just needed an excuse to ship me off. 255 00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,818 I figured... 256 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:58,038 I hadn't seen my dad in a while. 257 00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,433 I was just borrowing that bike to get to the cabin. 258 00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:04,740 I'm not a thief. 259 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,090 Not really. 260 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,701 I mean, I do steal a lot of shit. 261 00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,231 Something's different. 262 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:21,888 At least he used to go through the motions of being a father. 263 00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:25,239 - Yeah, well... 264 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:28,633 he's not the same man you used to know. 265 00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:30,897 Maybe just give him a chance. 266 00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:38,730 - I really miss you, Aunt Cathy. 267 00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:40,776 You were the only one I ever told 268 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,344 about the UFO I saw when I was a kid... 269 00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:44,562 except John. 270 00:13:44,606 --> 00:13:48,436 He thinks I'm crazy but loves me anyway. 271 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,832 God, I really hope you can hear me. 272 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,443 Aunt Cathy, if you're listening, 273 00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,401 please give me a sign. 274 00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:58,968 - Liv! - Oh! 275 00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:01,014 - Hey, Liv. - Hey. 276 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,363 - Just bringing Max by. 277 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,713 His first father-son trip to the cemetery. 278 00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:06,889 - What is that tall thing? - Ah. 279 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,849 That is a monument honoring the 59. 280 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,372 The star on top represents 281 00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,765 the man that they went back to save. 282 00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,419 - It's more than a monument. 283 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:18,031 They're all actually buried under there. 284 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,250 It's a mass grave kind of thing. 285 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,339 - Awesome. 286 00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:25,081 - Really? Huh. 287 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,388 Well, uh, you'll be happy to hear this year 288 00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:30,173 at Patience Family Day the theme is "Remember When." 289 00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:33,916 So we'll be honoring the 59-- Max stop digging. 290 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,918 I'm trying to rebrand the whole narrative, 291 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,746 you know, just remind people that 292 00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,922 these aren't just 59 dead men. 293 00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,706 You know, these are--these are heroes. 294 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,099 - Mm, that sounds great. 295 00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,753 - Yeah. We're going to have mining-themed games. 296 00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,233 Kids are putting on a play 297 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,974 written by yours truly. - Ah. 298 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,932 - Hey, maybe even get real authentic-- 299 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,586 swap out the toilet paper in the porta-potties 300 00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:54,197 for corn husks. - Yeah, maybe not that one. 301 00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:55,416 - Ah, I already started shucking. 302 00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,418 Well, uh, good to see you. - Yeah. 303 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:58,898 - Okay. Come on, Max. 304 00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,857 - Hey, Max, I've been meaning to ask you something. 305 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,598 You know that sketch you had me do-- 306 00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,034 the--the one of the alien? 307 00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:09,343 - Oh, um... yeah, I made all that stuff up. 308 00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:10,648 Aliens aren't real. 309 00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,619 - Well, it looks like she's been here before. 310 00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:26,099 Nice talking with you. 311 00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:28,797 - This is a bad idea. I do not like children. 312 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,190 - Yes, you do. 313 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,887 I saw the way you looked at Sunny's baby. 314 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,890 - That is different. A baby is tiny. 315 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,283 And it doesn't speak. 316 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,633 - Well, every baby grows into a Liza. 317 00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:40,548 - Then why do you feed them? 318 00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:43,986 - 'Cause if you don't, they will die. 319 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,554 No, mm-mm. Don't even think about it. 320 00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,164 Anything happens to her or if she leaves, 321 00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,818 we will have much bigger problems. 322 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,299 Okay, keep her alive and happy 323 00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:54,170 until her mom comes home in a few days 324 00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:57,217 and we go to New York and save humanity. 325 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:02,396 Also, try to act as normal as possible 326 00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:04,920 and keep the door to your alien bunker locked 327 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,401 and the talking octopus in your room. 328 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,230 - I have got this. 329 00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:12,275 I can be a good father. 330 00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:14,147 I've seen a lot of television. 331 00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,410 - Ugh, what happened to the Wi-Fi? 332 00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,194 And it smells like dead people up here. 333 00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:21,981 - Then you should take a shower... 334 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,634 my darling daughter. 335 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,299 - Hey, hey, hey! 336 00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:46,962 Buddy, you took my spot. 337 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,660 - Glad to see you got a new truck. 338 00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:52,141 It was the, uh, problem with the emergency brake 339 00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:53,969 on the last one, right? - Oh, you're real funny. 340 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,449 You could have killed someone. 341 00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,059 - Now you're pretending to care about other people. 342 00:16:57,103 --> 00:17:00,280 Hey, maybe show me how much you care with your fist. 343 00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:01,977 That's you do things, right? 344 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,413 - Looks like you already lost one fight today. 345 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,285 But keep playing with me, and we'll make it two. 346 00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,026 - It would be the honor of my life 347 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,636 to lay your ass out. 348 00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,594 In fact, I'll do it twice-- once for me, once for Asta. 349 00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:11,769 - Well, if she's so upset, 350 00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:14,033 why did she stay at my house last night? 351 00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:16,557 Mm. 352 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,211 - Bullshit. 353 00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:30,049 Yeah, good to see you. 354 00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:33,052 - Hey, hey. 355 00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,011 - Got some good news. 356 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,013 - Oh, yeah, the Nats won four in a row. 357 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,667 - I'm not talking about the Nationals. 358 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,104 My biopsy came back negative. 359 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:43,845 - Biopsy? What biopsy? 360 00:17:43,888 --> 00:17:45,238 - You're the one who kept nagging me 361 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,630 to get my mole checked. 362 00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:48,197 You drove me to the clinic. 363 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,460 What? When? 364 00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,201 - Two weeks ago. 365 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:54,290 - Well, obviously you didn't tell me it was for a biopsy, 366 00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,639 or I would have remembered. 367 00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:58,294 - Of course I told you. 368 00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:01,689 You ain't been the same since D.C. 369 00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,038 You got to deal with that. 370 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,040 See a doctor, psychiatrist, 371 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,650 hell, anybody. - Mm-hmm. 372 00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:09,175 Tell me, why exactly should I take mental-health advice 373 00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,220 from somebody who stayed holed up in the house, 374 00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:13,048 refusing to speak to anybody for six months 375 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,615 when Mama died, huh? 376 00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:16,834 Yeah, well, I'm not the one carrying a deadly weapon. 377 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,140 - Okay, all right, you know what? 378 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,968 Is this--is this what we have now? Is this us? 379 00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,796 We just gonna fight all the time? 380 00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:23,145 I got friends. They got dads. 381 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,538 They go to games. They go fishing and shit. 382 00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:26,235 We ain't done nothing like that since I was a kid. 383 00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,237 Instead, all I got is you sitting across from me 384 00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:30,239 telling me all the things you think are wrong with me. 385 00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:32,241 - You're a young man. 386 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,548 It's not normal to forget stuff like that. 387 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:47,648 What are we eating? 388 00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,651 - This is missing something. What is it? 389 00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:53,219 Oh, right, flavor. 390 00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:57,353 Have you ever heard of salt or a-a vegetable maybe? 391 00:18:57,397 --> 00:19:00,008 - I did have some vegetables, 392 00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,836 but they grew organisms on them. 393 00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:03,490 - You know I can't eat gluten. 394 00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:05,709 Did you forget that, or are you purposely trying to kill me? 395 00:19:05,753 --> 00:19:07,798 - Would gluten kill you? 396 00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:09,931 - I'll just starve. - Mm. 397 00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:12,325 - You need to call my boot camp and tell them that I'm with you 398 00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:13,935 and I'm too sick to go back. 399 00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:15,893 - That would be lying. 400 00:19:15,937 --> 00:19:19,549 Lying is bad, young lady. 401 00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,986 I will now discipline you 402 00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:25,555 by sending you to bed without supper. 403 00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,429 - I already told you-- 404 00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:31,126 I'm not going to eat your shitty gut-bomb pasta. 405 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,651 - Fine. Fine. Fine. 406 00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:37,437 More--more gluten for me. 407 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,786 - Enjoy. 408 00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,353 - I am. 409 00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:45,053 - I know you feel like you're different. 410 00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:47,229 You are different. 411 00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:50,580 You can see what's going on. 412 00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,147 Aliens are real. 413 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,714 - Hey, uh, Deputy, where are you? 414 00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:57,413 That car was supposed to be back an hour ago. 415 00:19:57,457 --> 00:20:00,721 - Uh, just at the market picking up supplies 416 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,418 for the break room. - Hey, uh, Dep. 417 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:04,028 You know what? While you're there, 418 00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,204 go ahead and pick me up a lotto ticket. 419 00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:07,118 Go ahead pick up one for Cletus, too. 420 00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:08,555 - Sure thing, Sheriff. 421 00:20:08,598 --> 00:20:11,035 You want a lotto ticket? 422 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,344 - You spent the night at Jimmy's? 423 00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,782 - It's not what you think. - What is wrong with you? 424 00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,567 How do you even get within ten feet of that creep 425 00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:22,743 without ripping his face off? - Shh. 426 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:27,269 - We had to deliver my cousin Sunny's baby, okay? 427 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,271 It messed with my head. 428 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:32,231 - Okay, great. So call your friends. 429 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,321 - You don't understand. - No, I really don't. 430 00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,540 - Well, Jimmy does, so it's not a terrible surprise 431 00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:40,500 that I want to talk to him about it and not you. 432 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,371 - I guess I'm just somebody who doesn't like watching 433 00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:44,199 their best friend ruin their life. 434 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,766 - Oh, really? 435 00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,334 And that's just something for me to do? 436 00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:49,813 - What is that supposed to mean? 437 00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,641 You think I don't know that you come in here 438 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:52,729 for hangover IVs? 439 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,165 - Sorry, D'arcy. 440 00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:56,298 - You want to talk about watching friends ruin lives? 441 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,344 Let's talk about it. - You know, it's weird. 442 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,259 You didn't seem worried about this 443 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:01,347 until I started helping Jay. 444 00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,000 - Oh, is that what you're doing? 445 00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:05,133 You're "helping" her? 446 00:21:05,176 --> 00:21:06,526 - Yes. 447 00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:08,789 She needs somebody to talk to. 448 00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,530 Maybe she'll listen to my dating advice. 449 00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,532 - I'm not so sure you're the best person 450 00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,447 to be giving advice about men. 451 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:15,839 - Wow. 452 00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:17,406 - D'arce. 453 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,712 - Okay. 454 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:35,859 - Where's Murphy? 455 00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:41,517 "If you ever want to see your dog again, 456 00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:43,824 return my alien ball--Alien." 457 00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:45,782 It's not even your dog. 458 00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:48,785 We win again. - No, we don't. 459 00:21:48,829 --> 00:21:50,613 Murphy's my responsibility. 460 00:21:50,657 --> 00:21:52,615 Her owners pay me to walk her. 461 00:21:52,659 --> 00:21:55,139 We have to get her back. 462 00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:57,359 - Humans are obsessed with pets. 463 00:21:57,403 --> 00:22:00,057 If I give Liza this slobbering lump of fur, 464 00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:03,147 she will become so distracted taking care of the dog, 465 00:22:03,191 --> 00:22:05,280 I won't have to take care of her. 466 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:09,589 Liza, dear child, I have a gift for you. 467 00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:14,245 - Mm-hmm. 468 00:22:14,289 --> 00:22:15,464 - A dog? 469 00:22:15,508 --> 00:22:17,466 What am I supposed to do with that thing? 470 00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:19,338 You know mom's allergic. 471 00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:26,475 - This will be more difficult than I first thought. 472 00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:02,032 - Ew. 473 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:10,214 - No, there's a-- 474 00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,520 You-- 475 00:23:11,564 --> 00:23:13,957 - Got the balloon arch going. 476 00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:17,178 This guy, old prospector-- looking great, everyone. 477 00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:19,049 - Hi, Kayla. - Hey, Kate. 478 00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:21,312 - Uh, isn't the booth supposed to be 479 00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,706 just back a couple feet? - Yeah, there was a rock there. 480 00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:27,362 - See, all the booths are supposed to be 30 feet apart. 481 00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:29,146 Did you know that the human brain 482 00:23:29,190 --> 00:23:31,235 gets pleasure from symmetry? 483 00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:33,237 - Did you know that the human ankle gets pain 484 00:23:33,281 --> 00:23:35,805 from breaking itself on a rock? 485 00:23:35,849 --> 00:23:37,677 - Oh, no. 486 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,592 Why is there a murderer here? 487 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:42,072 - Innocent until proven guilty. - Innocent? 488 00:23:42,116 --> 00:23:43,465 She's holding a weapon. 489 00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:46,555 - Honey, it's a paintbrush. - That's a weapon. 490 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:48,905 "Hi. What would you like me to paint on your face-- 491 00:23:48,949 --> 00:23:50,429 a nice little birdie?" 492 00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:52,213 "Take that kid." 493 00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:57,000 Keep an eye on her. 494 00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:00,830 - It's good to see you. 495 00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,791 - This is stupid. - It is not stupid. 496 00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:06,749 This is Patience Family Day. 497 00:24:06,793 --> 00:24:08,316 We are a family in Patience, 498 00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,624 and this is what families in Patience do on this day. 499 00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,669 If she were home with me for one more second, 500 00:24:13,713 --> 00:24:16,759 I would kill her and feed her to my hungry octopus. 501 00:24:16,803 --> 00:24:18,021 - Can I at least drive? 502 00:24:18,065 --> 00:24:21,721 - Will you stop complaining? - Yes. 503 00:24:21,764 --> 00:24:23,940 - Okay. - Yes! 504 00:24:32,732 --> 00:24:34,603 Hurry. 505 00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,039 - Okay. 506 00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:43,960 Okay. Try not to kill us. 507 00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:45,658 - Calm down. It's fine. 508 00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:47,268 - This is a nightmare. 509 00:24:47,311 --> 00:24:49,792 How do human parents teach driving to their children 510 00:24:49,836 --> 00:24:51,315 without being terrified? 511 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,188 The truck sounds like it wants you to shift now. 512 00:24:56,146 --> 00:24:58,845 - Oh, let's put on some tunes. 513 00:24:58,888 --> 00:25:01,804 Wait, watch out! 514 00:25:01,848 --> 00:25:05,634 - Stop being a backseat driver. - There is no back seat. 515 00:25:05,678 --> 00:25:07,810 It is a truck. 516 00:25:07,854 --> 00:25:11,074 It is a nice day, and... 517 00:25:11,118 --> 00:25:12,859 that is a beautiful stop sign approaching. 518 00:25:12,902 --> 00:25:14,513 You see it? - Where? 519 00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:15,775 There. 520 00:25:17,037 --> 00:25:18,212 - Watch it, asshole! 521 00:25:18,255 --> 00:25:20,519 Stop! That's it! Get out of that truck! 522 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:22,608 You are the worst driver I've ever seen! 523 00:25:22,651 --> 00:25:26,133 - You're a jerk. I was finally having some fun. 524 00:25:30,616 --> 00:25:32,574 - Damn it. 525 00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:36,491 - Come on, we got to hurry. We'll be late for the play. 526 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,145 - I don't want to give the ball back. 527 00:25:38,188 --> 00:25:39,973 - We have no choice. 528 00:25:40,016 --> 00:25:41,365 Do you know what a kidnapping review 529 00:25:41,409 --> 00:25:43,585 will do to my whole dog-walking business? 530 00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:46,936 Wait. 531 00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:49,591 Someone's been here. The satellite dish is gone. 532 00:25:51,724 --> 00:25:53,726 Oh, no. 533 00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:04,301 The ball. 534 00:26:06,608 --> 00:26:08,741 Who took it? 535 00:26:08,784 --> 00:26:10,960 - There's only one possibility. 536 00:26:42,862 --> 00:26:44,341 - Asta. 537 00:26:44,385 --> 00:26:45,865 - Hey, Harry. 538 00:26:45,908 --> 00:26:48,215 Thank you so much again for helping Sunny with her baby. 539 00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:49,477 You were amazing. 540 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,348 - They are easy when they are babies. 541 00:26:51,392 --> 00:26:52,698 They cannot run away yet 542 00:26:52,741 --> 00:26:55,570 or almost kill you in a car accident. 543 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:57,050 - Run away? Did Liza leave? 544 00:26:57,093 --> 00:26:58,573 Oh! - Oh! 545 00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,620 - Uh, found her. - Oh, yep, teenage daughter. 546 00:27:02,708 --> 00:27:04,405 - Oh, Harry, maybe you should-- 547 00:27:04,448 --> 00:27:06,712 - No. That's it. 548 00:27:06,755 --> 00:27:09,236 You are as bad at throwing 549 00:27:09,279 --> 00:27:12,065 as you are at driving! 550 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:14,415 - Well, I must be a pretty good driver, then, 551 00:27:14,458 --> 00:27:16,678 because you're soaking wet. 552 00:27:18,114 --> 00:27:21,422 - You are the worst daughter that I have. 553 00:27:21,465 --> 00:27:23,903 - I am your only daughter, you idiot! 554 00:27:23,946 --> 00:27:28,255 - If I had another daughter and she was bad, 555 00:27:28,298 --> 00:27:30,605 you would be worse! 556 00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,955 - Please stop, you guys. 557 00:27:32,999 --> 00:27:35,784 Uh, we only have a limited number of balloons. 558 00:27:35,828 --> 00:27:38,700 And, Judy, uh, I-I appreciate you dressing on theme, 559 00:27:38,744 --> 00:27:40,267 but could you cover up the cleavage? 560 00:27:40,310 --> 00:27:41,529 There are children here. 561 00:27:41,572 --> 00:27:43,400 - There's a theme? 562 00:27:43,444 --> 00:27:45,751 Not okay! 563 00:27:45,794 --> 00:27:47,056 No! Hey! 564 00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:49,102 Not--not okay. Hey! - Get him. 565 00:27:49,145 --> 00:27:50,930 - Summer fun, summer high jinks. 566 00:27:50,973 --> 00:27:53,584 Listen, you got to take it down here. 567 00:27:53,628 --> 00:27:54,629 Hey! - Ha ha ha! 568 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,283 - Okay, all right. 569 00:27:56,326 --> 00:27:57,719 Not okay! Oh! 570 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,902 - I know you didn't kill Sam. 571 00:28:06,946 --> 00:28:08,948 - Oh... 572 00:28:08,991 --> 00:28:11,515 you have no idea how much that means to me. 573 00:28:14,475 --> 00:28:17,826 Okay. Bird or butterfly? 574 00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:22,744 - Uh, I was thinking more of a Ziggy Stardust-type thing. 575 00:28:22,788 --> 00:28:26,313 - Oh, okay, I like it. Let's see now. 576 00:28:41,023 --> 00:28:44,287 - Does the food you eat ever get caught in your lip metal? 577 00:28:47,029 --> 00:28:49,858 You're different than before, 578 00:28:49,902 --> 00:28:52,687 like, head-injury different. 579 00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:55,255 You've changed. - Yes, I know. 580 00:28:55,298 --> 00:28:58,998 - You ghosted me for, like, three years. 581 00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:00,695 I thought you hated me, 582 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:03,045 - Then why did you come here? 583 00:29:03,089 --> 00:29:05,308 - To be honest, I was afraid to. 584 00:29:05,352 --> 00:29:07,354 I mean... 585 00:29:07,397 --> 00:29:09,182 I've changed, too, obviously. 586 00:29:09,225 --> 00:29:12,011 I'm not the little girl you used to take fishing. 587 00:29:13,403 --> 00:29:14,883 But you're my family. 588 00:29:14,927 --> 00:29:17,451 I was hoping that'd be enough, 589 00:29:17,494 --> 00:29:18,887 'cause if it wasn't enough, 590 00:29:18,931 --> 00:29:23,370 I would have had to go back to that hellhole camp. 591 00:29:23,413 --> 00:29:25,633 - Dial their phone number. 592 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:36,122 Hello, my name is Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle, 593 00:29:36,165 --> 00:29:39,603 and my daughter Liza isn't going to come back 594 00:29:39,647 --> 00:29:43,085 to your stupid camp. 595 00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:44,739 It is stupid. 596 00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:47,220 You are stupid. 597 00:29:47,263 --> 00:29:48,874 If you contact her again, 598 00:29:48,917 --> 00:29:50,832 I will find you and your family. 599 00:29:50,876 --> 00:29:52,747 - That should cover it. 600 00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:54,967 Mm-hmm. 601 00:29:57,578 --> 00:29:59,319 Hey... 602 00:29:59,362 --> 00:30:00,842 win me a prize? 603 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,850 - I will win myself a prize and consider giving it to you. 604 00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:10,243 - Fair enough. 605 00:30:16,423 --> 00:30:19,774 - All right, time for the 52nd Annual Family Day 606 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,384 Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest. 607 00:30:21,428 --> 00:30:23,517 You should eat more. 608 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,954 - No. Need to line the stomach. 609 00:30:25,998 --> 00:30:29,001 Trust me, I've won this contest every year since I was 13, 610 00:30:29,044 --> 00:30:30,872 except the year that Ethiopian exchange student 611 00:30:30,916 --> 00:30:32,265 threw me for a loop. 612 00:30:32,308 --> 00:30:34,354 - Biniyam! - You're so gonna win. 613 00:30:34,397 --> 00:30:36,356 Have you seen everyone else at the table? 614 00:30:36,399 --> 00:30:37,618 They're all, like, adults. 615 00:30:37,661 --> 00:30:38,924 - I'm an adult. 616 00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:42,014 - Shut up. No, you're not. - Okay. 617 00:30:42,057 --> 00:30:43,189 - Will all remaining entrants 618 00:30:43,232 --> 00:30:44,843 please make their way to the table? 619 00:30:44,886 --> 00:30:47,410 Let's get started. - Whoo! Let's go, D'arce! 620 00:30:47,454 --> 00:30:49,543 - I've been practicing with, like, hot things-- 621 00:30:49,586 --> 00:30:53,286 like, getting, like, big, hot things in my mouth. 622 00:30:53,329 --> 00:30:55,592 I mean, this is the first time its pepper. 623 00:30:55,636 --> 00:30:57,899 - Okay, we are just about to start. 624 00:30:57,943 --> 00:31:01,207 - What are you doing? - What? I love spicy food. 625 00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:02,861 - This isn't spicy food. 626 00:31:02,904 --> 00:31:04,688 This is the stuff they put a tiny bit of in 627 00:31:04,732 --> 00:31:06,386 to make spicy food. 628 00:31:06,429 --> 00:31:09,302 - Afraid I'm going to beat you? - I'm afraid you're gonna die. 629 00:31:09,345 --> 00:31:11,217 - You're going down this year, skank. 630 00:31:11,260 --> 00:31:13,741 - Not as often as you. - True, true. 631 00:31:13,784 --> 00:31:16,483 - First up is a very mild banana pepper. 632 00:31:16,526 --> 00:31:20,400 Eat! 633 00:31:24,578 --> 00:31:27,581 I'm on fire! 634 00:31:27,624 --> 00:31:31,237 Nope, nope, nope, I'm out! I'm out! 635 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,848 Ow. No, no, no. 636 00:31:35,981 --> 00:31:38,113 - Oh, hey, Doc, um... 637 00:31:38,157 --> 00:31:40,942 can I talk to you in private for a minute? 638 00:31:40,986 --> 00:31:42,552 - Nice alien. 639 00:31:42,596 --> 00:31:44,163 - Thanks. My dad stole it for me. 640 00:31:44,206 --> 00:31:47,209 - Oh, that-- that's a little bit illegal. 641 00:31:47,253 --> 00:31:49,037 - It's, like, super cheap, so... 642 00:31:49,081 --> 00:31:50,996 - Yeah, doesn't really-- it's more the principle. 643 00:31:51,039 --> 00:31:53,041 - Okay. - Here. 644 00:31:55,174 --> 00:31:57,480 Look, uh, I'll make this quick. 645 00:31:57,524 --> 00:32:01,397 All right, um, two weeks ago, I took my dad to get a biopsy, 646 00:32:01,441 --> 00:32:03,356 except I don't remember taking him. 647 00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:05,053 I don't remember anything-- as a matter of fact, 648 00:32:05,097 --> 00:32:06,750 I don't remember anything about that day at all 649 00:32:06,794 --> 00:32:08,535 except talking to the FBI. 650 00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:09,971 That's not normal, right? 651 00:32:10,015 --> 00:32:12,191 - He is right. It is not normal. 652 00:32:12,234 --> 00:32:14,106 And it is also very bad for me. 653 00:32:14,149 --> 00:32:16,064 - All right, now get this-- it gets weirder, right? 654 00:32:16,108 --> 00:32:17,370 Now, I haven't told Deputy Liv 655 00:32:17,413 --> 00:32:18,937 anything about me forgetting that day 656 00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:20,068 'cause I don't want her to freak out, 657 00:32:20,112 --> 00:32:21,722 but she's got gaps in her memory 658 00:32:21,765 --> 00:32:23,245 for that exact same day, too. 659 00:32:23,289 --> 00:32:25,944 You think if I came by office, you could check me out? 660 00:32:25,987 --> 00:32:27,206 - This is bad. 661 00:32:27,249 --> 00:32:28,947 If he starts investigating this, 662 00:32:28,990 --> 00:32:30,861 he might remember that I'm a murderer 663 00:32:30,905 --> 00:32:32,515 and possibly a werewolf. 664 00:32:32,559 --> 00:32:33,995 Yes. 665 00:32:34,039 --> 00:32:36,389 I will do what I can to help with your memory. 666 00:32:36,432 --> 00:32:37,868 - I appreciate it. 667 00:32:37,912 --> 00:32:40,436 You know, my dad--he tells me it's emotional, right? 668 00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:42,438 That it's in my head. 669 00:32:42,482 --> 00:32:45,267 I lost a friend a few years back, and... 670 00:32:45,311 --> 00:32:48,053 truth is, I don't think I've had a good day since. 671 00:32:48,096 --> 00:32:49,750 Does that make sense? 672 00:32:49,793 --> 00:32:51,926 - Yes, that makes sense. 673 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:55,060 - All I got left now is my dad, and... 674 00:32:55,103 --> 00:32:57,149 who knows for how long, right? 675 00:32:57,192 --> 00:33:00,065 If I can't remember the time I'm spending with him, then... 676 00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:02,676 - Sit down. - Right here? 677 00:33:02,719 --> 00:33:04,504 - Mm. - Okay. 678 00:33:06,810 --> 00:33:09,552 - Let me lead you through a meditation 679 00:33:09,596 --> 00:33:11,815 that will help with your grief. - Okay. 680 00:33:11,859 --> 00:33:13,600 - And put a memory in your head 681 00:33:13,643 --> 00:33:14,949 so you leave me alone. 682 00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,124 - All right. 683 00:33:21,303 --> 00:33:23,305 - We are getting up there now. 684 00:33:23,349 --> 00:33:28,049 Next is the Trinidad Scorpion at 1.2 million Scoville units. 685 00:33:28,093 --> 00:33:30,443 - This is gonna turn out bad. 686 00:33:30,486 --> 00:33:33,011 - Why are you doing this? Take your milk. 687 00:33:33,054 --> 00:33:34,273 - I feel great. 688 00:33:34,316 --> 00:33:37,537 - All right, D'arcy! You can do this, Asta! 689 00:33:40,279 --> 00:33:42,542 Whoo, Asta! Yes. 690 00:33:44,109 --> 00:33:45,762 Mm-mm. 691 00:33:45,806 --> 00:33:47,851 - Oh, God, that's not the way you're supposed to eat that. 692 00:33:47,895 --> 00:33:49,810 - I'm fine, I'm fine. - No, you're not. 693 00:33:49,853 --> 00:33:51,681 You're not gonna be fine. - Oh, God. 694 00:33:52,856 --> 00:33:55,903 All right. 695 00:33:55,946 --> 00:33:58,993 I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. 696 00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,300 - And the winner and new champion is 697 00:34:01,343 --> 00:34:02,692 Ellen Cho! 698 00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:10,526 - Bow to me! Bow! 699 00:34:10,570 --> 00:34:12,572 - The play's about to start. I saved you guys some seats. 700 00:34:12,615 --> 00:34:14,835 - Oh, I'm excited. - I don't do no plays. 701 00:34:14,878 --> 00:34:16,184 I don't play. I don't watch plays. 702 00:34:16,228 --> 00:34:17,838 I don't want--I ain't want to do no plays. 703 00:34:17,881 --> 00:34:19,448 - Oh, come on, come on, come on. 704 00:34:19,492 --> 00:34:21,015 Come on, let's go. 705 00:34:21,059 --> 00:34:22,538 - Did you write it? - I did. 706 00:34:22,582 --> 00:34:24,888 - Wow, a pickax for my tenth birthday? 707 00:34:24,932 --> 00:34:26,107 Thanks, Dad! 708 00:34:26,151 --> 00:34:28,631 all: We're all miners now. 709 00:34:28,675 --> 00:34:31,069 - Mining built the town of Patience, Colorado. 710 00:34:31,112 --> 00:34:33,027 At one time, every able-bodied man 711 00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,682 who lived here worked the mine. 712 00:34:35,725 --> 00:34:38,946 Then one cold January day in 1884, 713 00:34:38,989 --> 00:34:40,861 heroes were born. 714 00:34:43,864 --> 00:34:46,345 - Oh, no! It could be a cave-in! 715 00:34:46,388 --> 00:34:50,697 Run for your lives! 716 00:34:50,740 --> 00:34:52,394 - Help! Help! 717 00:34:52,438 --> 00:34:54,048 - There's one man still in the mine! 718 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:56,355 - We must go back for him! 719 00:34:56,398 --> 00:34:59,706 - 59 brave men refused to leave one man behind. 720 00:34:59,749 --> 00:35:01,577 They were heroes. 721 00:35:01,621 --> 00:35:04,363 - How much of the town budget did you spend on this play? 722 00:35:04,406 --> 00:35:06,800 - Eight percent. - Eight perc-- 723 00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:11,370 What happened in the mine after it collapsed. 724 00:35:13,154 --> 00:35:15,722 - We're boulders, and we're here to kill miners. 725 00:35:15,765 --> 00:35:18,159 - All must die. 726 00:35:47,188 --> 00:35:49,625 - All my organs are hemorrhaging. 727 00:35:51,801 --> 00:35:54,239 - My leg, my leg. 728 00:35:54,282 --> 00:35:57,590 - 59 men succumbed to their crush injuries that day. 729 00:35:57,633 --> 00:36:00,767 And one man, who was trapped in an air pocket, 730 00:36:00,810 --> 00:36:04,292 died of loneliness and thirst three days later. 731 00:36:04,336 --> 00:36:08,340 - I'm so thirsty and so lonely. 732 00:36:10,037 --> 00:36:13,258 - To the 59 and to Air Pocket Pete. 733 00:36:13,301 --> 00:36:15,564 - I don't think his name was actually Pete, 734 00:36:15,608 --> 00:36:18,611 but, you know, it works, and it works well. 735 00:36:54,299 --> 00:36:56,126 Terrible, man. 736 00:37:18,497 --> 00:37:20,281 Here, this'll help. 737 00:37:20,325 --> 00:37:23,371 Thanks. I need, like, six or seven more of these. 738 00:37:29,377 --> 00:37:32,641 I shouldn't have said what I said about you and Jay. 739 00:37:32,685 --> 00:37:34,774 I didn't mean it. 740 00:37:34,817 --> 00:37:37,124 - No, you meant it. 741 00:37:37,167 --> 00:37:39,648 Okay, I meant it. 742 00:37:39,692 --> 00:37:42,129 I was mad, and I was wrong. 743 00:37:42,172 --> 00:37:44,087 No, you weren't. 744 00:37:44,131 --> 00:37:45,654 You were right. 745 00:37:45,698 --> 00:37:47,221 My parents took me out to dinner, 746 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,397 and my response was to go get blackout drunk. 747 00:37:49,441 --> 00:37:52,531 - Your parents are assholes. 748 00:37:52,574 --> 00:37:55,316 I mean, I love them, but come on. 749 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:57,405 - I should be better at dealing with them by now. 750 00:37:57,449 --> 00:37:59,668 I'm not 15. 751 00:37:59,712 --> 00:38:01,496 I'm a mess. 752 00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:03,324 - No. 753 00:38:03,368 --> 00:38:05,935 I'm a mess. Look at me. 754 00:38:05,979 --> 00:38:08,895 I don't want to be messy. 755 00:38:08,938 --> 00:38:10,766 - I don't want that either. 756 00:38:10,810 --> 00:38:12,594 We can't both be messes at the same time. 757 00:38:12,638 --> 00:38:14,335 Otherwise it's chaos. 758 00:38:16,381 --> 00:38:20,341 - Going to Jimmy's was so dumb. 759 00:38:20,385 --> 00:38:22,996 I just... 760 00:38:24,127 --> 00:38:26,521 He just went through it, you know? 761 00:38:26,565 --> 00:38:27,609 I mean, he was an asshole, 762 00:38:27,653 --> 00:38:29,785 but he was there when Jay was born, 763 00:38:29,829 --> 00:38:32,353 and he was there for me through all the freakouts 764 00:38:32,397 --> 00:38:34,964 after I gave her up. 765 00:38:37,750 --> 00:38:40,753 - I guess I'm so used to being sad with him, 766 00:38:40,796 --> 00:38:42,798 something about it feels normal. 767 00:38:44,409 --> 00:38:47,977 - I don't think that's supposed to feel normal. 768 00:38:48,021 --> 00:38:50,632 You know, I wasn't around when all that stuff went down, 769 00:38:50,676 --> 00:38:52,721 but I'm here now. 770 00:38:52,765 --> 00:38:55,594 And I always will be. 771 00:38:55,637 --> 00:38:58,771 You know that, right? 772 00:38:58,814 --> 00:39:01,382 Right. 773 00:39:02,818 --> 00:39:06,387 - When I woke up on his couch... 774 00:39:06,431 --> 00:39:08,520 I saw that picture of us from the senior year 775 00:39:08,563 --> 00:39:12,001 where I'm wearing that stupid football sweatshirt. 776 00:39:14,090 --> 00:39:16,789 That thing is still in my trunk. 777 00:39:18,312 --> 00:39:20,358 - I think you should go get that sweatshirt. 778 00:39:23,448 --> 00:39:25,711 - Yeah. Yeah. - Why? 779 00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:26,886 - Yeah. - Why? 780 00:39:26,929 --> 00:39:27,930 - Yeah. - Why? 781 00:39:29,845 --> 00:39:31,151 What are you gonna do? 782 00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:33,414 What are you gonna do? 783 00:39:58,004 --> 00:40:00,223 - We'll only be gone a couple of days. 784 00:40:00,267 --> 00:40:01,703 You're sure you're okay here alone? 785 00:40:01,747 --> 00:40:03,052 - Ah, of course. 786 00:40:03,096 --> 00:40:05,620 Who cares if everyone hated the play 787 00:40:05,664 --> 00:40:07,100 and me for writing it? 788 00:40:07,143 --> 00:40:10,146 - Not everyone in the audience hated it. 789 00:40:10,190 --> 00:40:11,757 And that woman who screamed at you 790 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,062 is one of those complainer moms from school. 791 00:40:18,981 --> 00:40:20,722 - You're singing the song. 792 00:40:20,766 --> 00:40:22,985 - Yeah, it's the best song ever. 793 00:40:23,029 --> 00:40:26,641 And the play was awesome. The blood looked so cool. 794 00:40:26,685 --> 00:40:29,122 See you in a couple days. 795 00:40:32,386 --> 00:40:35,128 - Wow. Did you see that? Max loved it. 796 00:40:35,171 --> 00:40:38,087 - See? You got yourself all worked up over nothing. 797 00:40:38,131 --> 00:40:40,525 By next year, everyone will have forgotten all about it, 798 00:40:40,568 --> 00:40:42,004 and you can do another play. 799 00:40:42,048 --> 00:40:44,137 - No way. I mean, you heard Max. 800 00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:45,443 The play worked. 801 00:40:45,486 --> 00:40:48,097 No, we'll--we'll do it even bigger next year. 802 00:40:48,141 --> 00:40:51,100 You know, bigger boulders, maybe--maybe even more blood. 803 00:40:52,624 --> 00:40:54,843 - Great. 804 00:40:54,887 --> 00:40:56,758 Okay. Bye, honey. - Okay, bye. 805 00:40:56,802 --> 00:40:59,021 Bye-bye. Okay. 806 00:40:59,065 --> 00:41:02,024 Have fun at your mom's. 807 00:41:05,071 --> 00:41:07,508 - Bye, Dad! - Bye, honey! 808 00:41:23,306 --> 00:41:24,525 - Thanks. 809 00:41:24,569 --> 00:41:27,049 - Just take care of yourself. 810 00:41:27,093 --> 00:41:28,311 At the end of the day, 811 00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:30,966 you can't depend on anyone else but you. 812 00:41:31,010 --> 00:41:33,186 - My mom would never say something like that. 813 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,146 But I think you're right. 814 00:41:37,190 --> 00:41:38,887 Thanks. 815 00:41:40,715 --> 00:41:42,064 - I-- 816 00:41:52,771 --> 00:41:55,121 - You're a better father than I remember. 817 00:41:55,164 --> 00:41:57,602 I'm glad we got to spend time together. 818 00:41:57,645 --> 00:42:00,256 I might even miss you a little. 819 00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:02,563 - I am glad. 820 00:42:02,607 --> 00:42:04,696 I miss my family, too. 821 00:42:04,739 --> 00:42:06,741 - All right, folks. 822 00:42:06,785 --> 00:42:08,700 - I have also changed. 823 00:42:08,743 --> 00:42:10,179 - Ticket, please. 824 00:42:10,223 --> 00:42:14,401 - But the alien in New York is my family. 825 00:42:14,444 --> 00:42:17,491 So maybe they will help me anyway. 826 00:42:19,667 --> 00:42:21,277 I have to try. 827 00:42:21,321 --> 00:42:23,584 I am ready to go to New York now. 828 00:42:26,761 --> 00:42:29,285 I am not worried. 829 00:42:29,329 --> 00:42:32,375 I know I am much more alien than human. 830 00:42:35,727 --> 00:42:37,859 - Sheriff, can I tell you something? 831 00:42:37,903 --> 00:42:39,818 - All right, go ahead. Lay it on me. 832 00:42:39,861 --> 00:42:42,908 - You know that day the FBI guy came, 833 00:42:42,951 --> 00:42:46,999 the day that neither of us can remember? 834 00:42:47,042 --> 00:42:49,044 I think an alien erased our memory. 835 00:42:49,088 --> 00:42:50,785 There, I said it. 836 00:42:50,829 --> 00:42:52,308 - Well, I can't speak for you, Deputy, 837 00:42:52,352 --> 00:42:56,138 but, um, I remember exactly what I was doing that day. 838 00:42:56,182 --> 00:42:59,402 It was a good day. Actually, a very good day. 839 00:43:01,666 --> 00:43:03,406 - Okay. 840 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:11,632 - Only an alien would have been able to put a memory 841 00:43:11,676 --> 00:43:13,416 in the sheriff's head. 842 00:43:20,728 --> 00:43:24,863 And if that memory gave him a good day... 843 00:43:24,906 --> 00:43:27,474 then that is just a coincidence. 60694

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