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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,844 SATAN: Eddie, I called you up here 2 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:07,883 because you're a tortured soul, right? 3 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,138 Yes. Yeah. To me... 4 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:13,478 you don't seem that...tortured. 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,984 Oh, no. The demons do a number on me. 6 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,886 I mean, you hear my screams. They echo! 7 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:19,749 Aaaaaah! 8 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,757 Aaaaaaaaaaaah! 9 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,259 You hear that, right? 10 00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:25,961 I know those guys are buddies of yours. 11 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,429 Okay. Yeah. 12 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,704 You got things going on. 13 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,532 Like, I mean, Gary's on his phone a lot. 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,837 Yeah, yeah. 15 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,338 Their heart's just not into it. 16 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,910 Hot pokers? Again? 17 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:42,709 I think the main torture with these guys is boredom. 18 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:48,723 TED: This little computer got a game on it 19 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,919 where you can be your own dolphin 20 00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,421 and then you can name it. 21 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:53,693 Guess what I named mine. 22 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,391 What? Ted. 23 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,864 Shouldn't someone be flaying me open with those whips? 24 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,862 Man, you're in a hurry to get your ass whupped, ain't he? 25 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,404 You all flayed now? Flay master. 26 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,802 I can go for some coffee. 27 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,943 Ooh. Coffee now? That'd be good. 28 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,368 How do you take your coffee? 29 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,714 Black... 30 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,109 like I'm gonna make your bottom. 31 00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:15,741 How did you get out of those manacles? 32 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,479 Hello? Yeah, hey. How's your torture going? 33 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,315 That's you guys -- phoning it in! 34 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,722 Open up your books, your torture manuals, to chapter 1. 35 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:27,894 [ Scattered groans ] 36 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,161 Underst-- Don't even start with me. 37 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,060 "Understanding Your Pitchfork." Let's go. 38 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,291 [ Groaning ] 39 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,770 [ Gurgling ] 40 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,168 Whoa! 41 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,007 [ Groans, spits ] 42 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,581 All right. Do I have your attention? 43 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,811 Uh-huh. Whoa! 44 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,505 Satan hired me as a consultant 45 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,117 to light a fire under your asses 46 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:58,419 because, apparently, real fire isn't enough. 47 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,622 Is he dead? 48 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,263 Gary, pay attention. Jesus Christ. 49 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,960 I assume you guys all have your books open to chapter 1, yes? 50 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:04,991 Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. 51 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,925 Start ripping those pages out. 52 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,700 I want you to take all those pages, 53 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,029 roll them up nice and tight, 54 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,473 and then I want you to shove those pages 55 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,869 right up your ass. 56 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,670 And then once you're done shoving them up your ass, 57 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,172 then you can pull them out of your ass, because, apparently, 58 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,835 that's what you guys have been doing with your tortures -- 59 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,943 pulling them out of your ass. 60 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,705 Gary, don't literally do it. 61 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:24,984 Everyone take a new soul. 62 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,012 I want you to get to know that soul, 63 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,947 and I want you to design a unique torture 64 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,282 for each and every one of them. 65 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,788 I want you guys to dazzle me with these. 66 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,320 More importantly, you want to dazzle him, 67 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,785 because if you don't -- 68 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:39,133 I'll take your horns, and you'll be demoted to a tortured soul. 69 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,899 Where can I take a shower and get this shit off me? 70 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,129 Uh, Diarrhea Lagoon? 71 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,973 Diarrhea Lagoon is not gonna work. 72 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,028 Well, the acidity is like an astringent. 73 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:49,067 I don't want diarrhea on me. 74 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,742 Where can I get a clean shower, clean water, to get all this muck off me? 75 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,871 There's the donkey-cum waterfall. 76 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,676 Donkey-cum waterfall? 77 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,008 Yeah. 78 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,513 Someone piss on me. I want this off me. 79 00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:58,575 If it's piss, I don't care. 80 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,112 All right. I'll take it. 81 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,691 All right. 82 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,948 [ Knuckles crack ] 83 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,128 Yeah. 84 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,512 Gary, you've been downloading porn this whole week? 85 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,081 No. 86 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,710 Yes. But it's just this one picture. 87 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,976 ** 88 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,016 Very disturbing, Benji. 89 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,293 You can teach my seminar someday. 90 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,592 Thank you. 91 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,033 Way too much going on here. Quality, not quantity. 92 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,459 I'm Tee-Head. My victim loves golf. 93 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,696 All right, you know what? 94 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,100 Focus on his fears, not his hobbies, 95 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,801 but otherwise, a hole-in-one, V.C. 96 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,103 Very good. 97 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,474 So you must have a really great torture 98 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,743 already figured out, right? 99 00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,810 I'm gonna be... staple-in-the-head guy. 100 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,081 Aah! Aah! [Bleep] that! 101 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,310 So, you're doing exactly what V.C. was doing, 102 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,816 except you're just using little, tiny staples. 103 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,118 V.C.'s just ripping off of "Hellraiser," 104 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,449 and nobody wants to talk about that. 105 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,424 What he's doing is an homage to "Hellraiser." 106 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:16,824 What you're doing is just blindly copying off V.C. 107 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,057 It's a parody of him. 108 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,561 I'm Weird Al-ing what he's doing. 109 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,933 Weird Al-ing him? Okay. 110 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,331 [ Voice breaking ] I have nothing. Okay, Troy? 111 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,634 [ Crying ] I have absolutely nothing. 112 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,436 Please help me. I need help. 113 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,899 Something wrong, Gary? No, things are really good. 114 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,308 My torture is so scary, it makes me want to cry. 115 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:38,012 I'm gonna blow everybody's asses out of the water. 116 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:41,445 Okay. I like the 'tude. Nice. 117 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,516 I'm Tee-Head. I know! 118 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,952 All right?! I know! 119 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,517 Get the hell out of here! 120 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,256 What am I gonna do? 121 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,830 Just think of something horrific from your childhood. 122 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,159 Is this "Scooby-Doo"? 123 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,597 No, they didn't have that, 124 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,432 so I just got you this scary thing instead. 125 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,598 I don't know. Yeah, it's "Scooby-Doo." 126 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,936 Okay. If your mother calls, 127 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,941 you tell her I'm in the bathroom, all right? 128 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,813 If you need to know, I'm at the game. 129 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,781 Ha ha! Go, Pythons, yeah? 130 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,550 Ha! 131 00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:15,649 [ Laughing evilly ] 132 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:20,293 It's a "shear" delight to meet you. 133 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,060 [ Laughing evilly ] 134 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,860 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [ Chainsaw buzzing ] 135 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,326 I think I got it. Thanks, Troy. 136 00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:41,341 GARY: [ Distorted voice ] It's a "shear" delight to meet you. 137 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:44,875 You can't see, but I'm a puppet holding pruning shears. 138 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:45,982 Hello? 139 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,383 The patient awakens. 140 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,145 The surgery was a complete success. 141 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,223 Oh, my God. God can't help you here. 142 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:56,063 No, I was just gonna say this is just like that movie "Sutures." 143 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,759 This is nothing like the movie "Sutures." 144 00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,531 Is there a phone hidden in one of five incisions in my body? 145 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,731 Yes. 146 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,502 Well, I'm guessing it's in this bulge right here. 147 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,672 Yeah. 148 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,370 Yeah, get the phone. Take out the phone. 149 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,743 Well, is it gonna explode like in the movie "Sutures"? 150 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:16,183 I did not steal any ideas from the movie "Sutures," okay? 151 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,779 It's a hack-job film. 152 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,451 "Sutures" 2 through 8 were phoned in, all right? 153 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,451 They lost the whole original cast and the original director. 154 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,624 Okay. 155 00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,352 The only way to deactivate the bomb 156 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,356 that may or may not be in that cellphone -- 157 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,288 and this is how it's different "Sutures" -- 158 00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,033 is that you need to take out the cellphone 159 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:36,459 [Normal voice] and you need to call your estranged father 160 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,697 to get the password. 161 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,631 I mean, I like my dad, so it's not that big a deal. 162 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,597 BENJI: [ Distorted voice ] Hey, Gary, how's it going? 163 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,465 [ Distorted voice ] Shh, shut up, Benji. I'm on the mic. 164 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,474 [ Sighs ] 165 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,135 [ Normal voice ] My guy is dead. 166 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,643 I got to wait a day for his body to reconstitute. 167 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,036 What did you do? 168 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,907 Pulled his skin off, made a skin suit, 169 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,145 and then I raped him 170 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,780 because I thought it would be shocking 171 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,245 to get raped by yourself. Yeah. 172 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,253 But he was already in shock. 173 00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:02,155 And then I ate him because I just wanted to top myself. 174 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,959 I wish I could do it again because it just -- 175 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,092 I'm just a little O.C.D. that way. 176 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,057 You did all that in seven minutes? 177 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,326 Yeah. It's not my record. 178 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,073 He was tough. He was a body builder. 179 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,970 He wasn't tender off the bone like a toddler. 180 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,913 Could you just get out of here so I can focus on this? 181 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,908 Are you sure? Yeah. 182 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,139 Okay. Don't work too hard. 183 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,413 Get away from me. Get away from me. 184 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,252 [ Laughing ] You are so sensitive. 185 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,408 You have any other specific memories of your father 186 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,977 that may make you cry or be scared? 187 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,346 None that I'm aware of. So you mean to tell me your dad 188 00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:34,154 [Distorted voice] never, like, rapped you on the head 189 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,157 and said, "Hello, is anybody home?" 190 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,259 No. My dad was pretty great growing up. 191 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,361 [ Normal voice ] Oh, yeah, but what about the time 192 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,933 when you were playing baseball 193 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,132 and you missed the ball 194 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,503 and he was like, "Gary the fairy!" 195 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:47,102 [ Distorted voice ] "Gary the fairy!" 196 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,774 Your dad did that to you? 197 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,772 Yeah. 198 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,265 Oh, man. 199 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,006 It sounds like you should talk to him, maybe -- 200 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,312 like, tell him how you feel. 201 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,553 [ Normal voice ] What would I say to him? 202 00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,879 You know? 203 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,853 "Why did you lock me up in a hot car when I was 9?" 204 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,624 Did you not know how to open a car door when you were 9? 205 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,964 [ Distorted voice] I knew how to do it. 206 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,658 I was told not to. 207 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,130 I was afraid that if I walked out into the parking lot, 208 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,129 I'd get lost. 209 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,800 Well, what's your dad's name? 210 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,358 [ Normal voice ] Lamar Bunda. 211 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,166 Okay. What are you doing? 212 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,998 Information for Lamar Bunda. 213 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,643 No, no, don't! Wait! 214 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:26,171 [ Ringing ] 215 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,906 LAMAR: Hello? 216 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,911 Is he there? He's there? He's there? 217 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,043 Oh, what should I say? 218 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,308 Hello? 219 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,475 [ Indian accent ] Is this Lamar Bunda? 220 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,524 Please take me off your list, please. 221 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,650 But, Babur, I want to give you -- 222 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:39,516 [ Dial tone ] 223 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,663 [ Normal voice ] That was him. 224 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:42,659 That was my dad. 225 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,660 Well, I mean, I have his address. 226 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,192 Do you want to go pay him a visit? 227 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,096 Oh, unless -- how long do I have before I explode? 228 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,598 Oh, I didn't do any of that stuff. 229 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,660 Oh. Busted! 230 00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:51,668 [ Both laugh ] 231 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,229 Whoa! 232 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,766 This old Fury's just like my dad's! 233 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,842 Did you rent this? Oh, no, this is mine. 234 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,410 Want to get in back? 235 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,668 Get in back? Yeah! 236 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,038 All right. 237 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,553 No! No! Come on! 238 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,522 It's a "shear" delight to meet you. 239 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,351 [ Laughs evilly ] Get away! Get away! 240 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,686 [ Screaming indistinctly ] 241 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:16,793 You see that? Huh? 242 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,064 That's how it's done. 243 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,391 Too easy. 244 00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,957 I think Gary might be a little late... 245 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,026 for the meeting. 246 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,804 You think? [ Chuckles ] 247 00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:28,403 Guys, this is what I've been preaching all week. 248 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,935 He's got a hot car and a puppet, and he's in Gary's head. 249 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:35,442 Not everybody has to be cut up [bleep] and eaten, Benji. 250 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,535 Let's finish watching the end of the tape here. 251 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,947 I'm an adult! You're just a puppet. 252 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,379 I'm stronger than a puppet. 253 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,783 Yes! All right. 254 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,375 And I can leave this parking lot anytime I like! 255 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,717 It's a "shear" delight to -- Wait, where you going? 256 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,424 Come on, man! 257 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,415 Ooh. 258 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,059 ** 259 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,425 Dad? 260 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,437 It's been a long time. 261 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,769 I didn't know you were in the army, Dad. 262 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:05,835 Yeah. 263 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,643 I came home from the war, had a kid. 264 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,405 I didn't know what I was doing. 265 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,412 No, you did not. 266 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,154 I just didn't want you turning into a big fairy. 267 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,251 Well, Pappy, I'm not a fairy. 268 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,523 I know, son. 269 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,590 And I think I had a big hand in that. 270 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,149 You did. I did, didn't I? 271 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,818 You really did. 272 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,926 Apparently, they're on a fishing trip together down in the Keys. 273 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,429 Troy, your biggest fear is being one-upped by Gary. 274 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,672 Ahem. 275 00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:34,369 Ah! Wah! 276 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,371 GARY: It was just nice to see my dad in his element -- 277 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,174 drunk, on the water, 278 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:43,277 ignoring a lot of what I was saying. 279 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,680 But there. 280 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:48,722 Me and Dad, we were pulling up martins left and right. 281 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,279 Easy-peasy, Japanesey. 282 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,117 Just jumping in the boat. 283 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,392 Game warden came over 284 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,290 and said we had to throw all the martins back. 285 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,663 Called "marlins," Gary. It's "marlin." 286 00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,332 It'll be "martin" if I say it's "martin"! 287 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,560 Yeah! Yeah! 288 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,204 Coffee run. You guys want coffee? 289 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,300 I'd love a large macchiato. 290 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,202 No! No. 291 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,844 Get him a medium. 292 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,839 [ Laughing evilly ] 19713

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