All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s09e14 The Steve Weekend.eng

ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s, my brother was an unlikely ladies' man.

But when
he met Joanne, an equally unpredictable wildcard,

he finally found
his perfect fit.

Thank you for attending
this emergency presentation

of our plans
for your bachelor and bachelorette parties.

None of this seems
like an emergency.

Shut up!
Let's begin with diving,

scuba, cliff, and sky.

Your body might explode

from all the drastic changes
in pressure.

Yeah, the only thing
I'm jumping out of

is bed
every morning at 5:00.

More time for
a lazy breakfast with a book.

Fret not,
my gutless friend.

I'll strap you to my back
so if the chute doesn't open,

we'll smash together
into an indecipherable slop

that our parents will pour
into a single grave.

- Aw.
- Fun.

Joanne,
what do you got for me?

Are we doing
the two-man soup coffin?

Better! We will be flying
to Seville to run with the bulls!

Or possibly Chicago
to run with Bulls forward Scottie Pippen.

I prefer neither.

Hell you say?

I spent minutes
on this stuff.

Sorry, we're
just not interested in group danger or injury.

But it is my duty
as your best man

to possibly ruin your life
with one filthy weekend.

And my duty as a person
who wants to do

improper and vulgar stuff.

We have the solution.

We're going to do a simple,
co-ed weekend

with our friends
- at the beach. - Boring!

[SCOFFS] It won't be
as boring as you think

because all of your exes
will be there.

Bar, will you be okay
spending time

with Lainey, Ren,
and Valley Erica?

Worry about them.

I'll be parading around
in my white Speedo

with foxy Joanne
in her white Speedo.

- JOANNE: Aw.
- BARRY: Yeah, aw.

Get over here. [GRUNTS]
Oh, ooh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was February 23rd, 1980-something,

and my mom was meeting
with the officiant

of my sister's wedding,
my dad's friend, Vic.

And I boned up on
your people's marriage rituals,

and nowhere
in your sacred texts

is it kosher for
the mother-in-law

to hold hands
with the bride and groom

as they do their vows.

I guess we'll
just have to wait for our three-person dance.

Beverly, I assume
you've seen

this morning's
Jenkintown Examiner?

Ooh, I love the Examiner.

They did that expose
on the donut place I like.

My love of crullers helped
fund the war in Nicaragua.

No, this is
about our children's wedding announcement.

Kinda what I wanted to talk
to you about, Beverly.

"Geoffrey Todd Schwartz,
son of L and L Schwartz,

"to wed Erica Goldberg,
daughter of Beverly Goldberg,

"beloved cookbook author,
beloved almost lawyer,

"and beloved Quaker Warden
of William Penn Academy."

Are you concerned there
aren't enough "beloveds?"

I faxed you a cornucopia
of biographical information,

none of which
you included.

Space was limited.

So limited you couldn't
include our first names?

And why is there
a photo of you?

Well, I commissioned
a portrait, but it wasn't ready.

[CHUCKLES] Now, thanks
for stopping by,

but I have a wedding
to plan.

Well, why don't I take
something off your hands?

Uh, well,
you could valet the cars?

I'm the father
of the groom.

Also, I can't get in and out
of those low Japanese models.

How 'bout this?
I make the video tribute.

Adam's on that.

Oh, Adam's
not on that.

These are the last
couple months with m'lady friend, Brea,

so I'm kinda trying to...
you know, make hay.

[CHUCKLES]
The fellas get it.

- Not really.
- A little shame is a good thing, son.

So it's decided then.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I probably should return
this to the library.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You gotta spy on Lou
while he makes this video.

- No thanks!
- Yes, thanks!

This wedding is a sacred event
to our family.

I need to know if Lou Schwartz
is doing me dirty!

Doing you dirty?

The man has season tickets
to something called

"Jazz Under the Stars."

I'll buy you something
expensive.

That's all
you had to say.

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom suspected Lou was up to no good,

Geoff and Erica were down
the shore for their big weekend.

[SIGHS]
What's with the flowers?

They're for Barry's exes.

He thought
it'd be a nice way to welcome them.

While my former lovers

may no longer be able

to enjoy my ripped bod

or neon charisma,

these flowers from
the open lot across the street

should ease the longing.[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna ignore it all

and ask that you never
- say "lovers" again. - Hi.

ALL: JTP!

JTP! My boys
are in the house!

Yeah, we are!

- And we're psyched, man!
- Totally.

When we first heard
you were doing something nontraditional,

we were like, "What?"

Yeah, but then we realized
we're single men.

We can do unspeakable acts
any time we want.

Oh, big time.

I am just
one bad choice away

from ruining my life
and many others.

Well, why don't you dip
your toes in these rough waters

and try
this crudites plate?

[LAUGHS]
Oh, carrot crazy.

We made it![SQUEALS]

Barely. We had a little
problem with our flight.

Uh, a flight of tequila
at our stopover in Detroit.

Yeah. I like
the clear kind and also the other kind.

- Oh.
- So much.

There they are,
all my former flames.

Just a little bit dimmer.

Here, let me throw
some kerosene on that.

And what are these for?

For your bravery.

Why are we brave,
exactly?

Well, you showed up here
at the great personal cost

of being around me

and my erotically
potent lady friend, Joanne.

She's also my sister,
so it takes time getting used to.

Anyway, you gutsy spinsters
need help with your bags?

Oh, we're good.
The guys are on it.

Guys? On it? Good?

Everyone,
this is my husband, Dr. Stephen Stephens.

His name is ridiculous,
but he is rad.

It's nice to meet
all of you.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]
Oh, I should take this.

Dan Majerle
pulled his groin again.[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

"Thunder" Dan Majerle
from the Phoenix Suns?

Dr. Steve is their doctor.

He's, like, always dealing
with their groins.

You hear that, Bar?

Dr. Stevie Stevenson
has your dream job.

Please.

Does he also own a secret
chocolate factory on the side,

but instead of chocolate,
it's biscuits?

I just met him,
but I'm 100% certain no.

- No, right?
- No, it's definitely no.

- No.
- Oh!

This is my special guy.
Mwah!

- Also Steve.
- Am I crazy, or does he look familiar?

[CHUCKLES]
Okay, nobody freak out,

but Steve is one
of Willie Aames' stand-ins

on the TV show
Charles in Charge.

- Oh, so cool!
- BARRY: Big deal.

So you have his curls,
his dimples, his easy way.

You don't have
his bank account.

No, but my dad invented
two-sided tape,

so I'm much richer.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Bonjour!

- Is place?
- Is place. Come here.

Guys, meet my
new boy toy, Stephan.

He's very pretty.

Yeah, he is,
and so tall, too.

We're gonna be
fast friends.

Uh, unlikely.
The only English he knows is "Is place?"

Oh, then how'd you two
get together?

You know, we have
other ways of communicating.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Okay, who wants
- top bunk? - Whoo!

- This way.
- That way.

I guess she's just
gonna keep us hanging on the other ways.

Barry, this is great.

You were worried
about nothing.

All of your exes
are thriving.

Oh, sweet, impossibly naive
Joanne, don't you see?

They're not thriving.
They're dying inside.

- They are?
- Yes.

It's all an elaborate,
multi-person charade

to hide their true feelings
for moi.

It would be sad
if it wasn't hilarious.

[LAUGHS] Laugh with me.

[FORCED LAUGHING]

As Barry was seeing his exes
in a new light,

something dark was going on
with Lou's wedding tribute.

Hi, Dr. Schwartz.

My mom sent me over
with some family photos

for the wedding
montage video.

I'll be sure to add them
to the pile.

My mom was also hoping
I could help out with the video.

No need.
I've already hired a pro.

Oddly, his name
is also Adam Goldberg.

Well, well,
Adam Goldberg the lesser.

You two know each other?

Former foes,
current apathetic acquaintances.

Future who knows.

I thought
you moved to Hollywood

to work
in the dream factories.

I did, armed with the best
Mr. Belvedere script ever written.

The studio brass said that?

My nana did.
She's impeccable with story.

Unfortunately, the entirety
of show business disagreed.

None of this came out
in the interview,

but thanks for
dropping by, Adam.

I'd like him to stay.

I need some extra hands
sorting all this crap.

You mean my treasured
family memories?

It's pictures
set to music.

It ain't Belvedere,
brother.

Maybe I can see
- what you have so far? - No, no, no, no.

You can start by fueling up
our creative tanks with coffee.

Oh, I'm no good
with tasks.

That's the industry, kid.

You start at the bottom
and work your way up

to paying rent
to live in your nana's sunroom.

And so, instead
of keeping an eye on Lou,

I was keeping an eye
on his lengthy to-do list.

I got the dry cleaning.

It would've been easier
if you had given me the ticket,

or the address.

I'm back from the vet.

Mitzy's anal glands
are officially expressed.

Back from all the McDonald's
in the Philly area.

Turns out it's not
Shamrock Shake season,

as I gently
tried to explain to you.

I'm back.

Where's Lou?

I somehow found
extra-large toenail clippers.

Wait, you haven't even
cracked open my mom's photo album yet.

Welcome to the nasty side
of weddings, pal.

It's not all about
the happy couple's special day.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this video tribute
is all Schwartz.

As Lou was putting
his family front and center,

my brother
was calling for backup.

Thank you for coming to

this emergency 6:00 a.m.
meeting of the JTP.

You told us
there'd be bagels and OJ.

That was a cover
for the reason we're gathering,

to stop my exes
from ruining this weekend.

But there's a poppy seed
and juice in front of you...

That's where I got

the idea for the lie.

Think before
you interrupt me,

Matt Bradley.

How exactly are Lainey, Ren,
and Valley Erica

ruining the weekend?

Well, it's become
painfully clear

that they're not over me
and desperately want me back.

That is not clear.

One of them is married.

Yeah, last night I heard
Stephan and Ren's

fondness for each other
through the wall.

They snatched up
a trio of losers

to try and ease
the pain of seeing me.

Dude. Steve runs
with the brat pack's B-team,

Dr. Steve rebuilt
Jeff Hornacek's knee,

and Stephan's butt and jaw
were just featured

in a Calvin Klein
magazine ad!

[CHUCKLES]
I took a look. It's nice.

But do they have
what I have?

An exaggerated sense
of self-worth?

A big toe
with a really small nail?

[SIGHS] I was going
to say the nail thing.

Barry magic.
[CHUCKLES]

So there's only
one thing to do.

Nothing.
It's obviously nothing.

I will shame their boyfriends
with my intense masculinity

until they are forced to leave
under a cloud of humiliation.

How would that
help anything?

It will force my exes to admit
their undying love for me.

Then, after many tears,
we can all begin to heal.

I guess from a twisted,
shoehorned,

almost 100% wrong
point of view, that makes some sense.

- Some indeed.
- Great news!

Today, we're going to
have some fun playing The Bach-lympics.

It's a combination
of "bachelor" and "Olympics."

Everybody gets it, Geoff.

Anyway, we're going to be
playing games.

Physical and mental challenges

that showcase one's dominance
over weaker foes.

It's perfect.

Your tone and words suggest
you're not approaching this

with the fun
that's intended, but okay.

I will crush these men
under my Jordans.

Or flip-flops
if it's on the sand.

This seems like
a huge mistake.

I'm too tired and hungry
to stop him.

I would not wear flip-flops
with your weird big toe.

[LAUGHS]

ADULT ADAM: Lou had cut
our family from the wedding video tribute,

and it was up to me
to tell my mom.

Hey, Mr. Brown,
is my mom around?

She stepped out to yell
at a wedding vendor.

Something about destroying
their entire lineage

if they don't get
the stemware correct.

She's a volatile lady.

She's not gonna take
what I have to say easy.

Lay down
your burden, Adam.

I'm a deacon, and that means
more than just driving

the church shuttle to and from
the devotional softball game.

That kind of
sounds official.

Lou's not including our family
in the video montage at all.

Oh, no!
I can't know that!

You have to tell your mother
so her and Lou

can, uh, discuss this calmly
and rationally, as adults.

Calm? Rational?

Those words don't sound like
things my mom is

or ever will be.

There's my Schmoo.

Did you find out Lou's
trying to steal the wedding yet?

- How'd you know?
- That overstuffed pastry bag was so obvious.

Come on,
dish the dirt to Mama.

He's not using a single photo
of us in the video.

But we can still
be reasonable about this.

I'll be as reasonable
with the seating chart

as he's being
with the video.

Say hello to the parking lot,
Lou's cousin Glen.

Oh, but Cousin Glen's
flying in from Shaker Heights!

- I can't be a part of this.
- Too late.

You are gonna go destroy
that tape

if you have to burn
the place to the ground.

♪

That's arson.

Only if you
get caught. Go!

Thanks for the help,
Deacon Do Nothing.

Only God can judge me.

And I imagine
he isn't pleased.

While my mom was settling
the score with Lou,

Barry was attempting to score
in The Bach-lympics.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay, one, two,
three, toss!

First was the egg toss.

[GRUNTING][EGG SPLATS]

Damn it, Naked Rob!
How about a heads up?

[GRUNTS] Next was the quick change.

Alright, Stephan and I
are done!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ooh-la-la!
That's what I'm taking home.

This is rigged![OTHERS LAUGHING]

Stephan's a model!
He changes clothes for a living!

And then came
the name-guessing game.

Okay, it's two words.
The first is your dream job.

- Ninja.
- No.

- Vampire hunter.
- No.

Intercontinental -wrestling champion?
- No!

And time.[GROANS]

"Dr. Zhivago"?

That's not anyone's name.
I demand a fourth do-over.

No. And it's time
to check our leaderboard.

ALL: Ooh!

Impossible!

Barry... You're all cheating

by being knowledgeable about
your partners and the world!

Off I go!

As my brother
had lost his grip on the Steves,

my mom had sent me
to get my hands on Lou's wedding tribute.

Hey. Did you finish
the video yet?

Just slapped
my "a film by" credit on

to let the crew know
they're just cogs.

And just like that,
I was alone with the tape.

It would be so easy
to destroy.

Hello, Adam.

Or not.

What have you got
in your hand there?

Just your finished video.

Easy now.

Set the tape down, slow.

I think I'm gonna hold onto it
for a sec.

Don't do
anything stupid, son.

♪

There!

We're all safe now.

Argh! Dr. Schwartz, please!

As a doctor,
a pillar of the community,

and as a father,
don't do this.

Be the bigger man.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have taken this
too far.

It's okay.

You're not the only one.

You should see what my mom was
doing to the seating chart.

- Oh?
- Well, let's just say

your family was pushed
behind the carving station.

I understand.

I don't understand!

Cousin Marlene
is in the overflow room?

- She has a palsied foot!
- You like that?

Well, wait till you see
where I put your parents.

The freight elevator,
next to Great Uncle Yankel?

You [BLEEP] with Bev,
you get [BLEEP].

Okay, there's
the low point.

- The wedding is off!
- And yet lower we go.

You can't call the wedding off
because I'm calling it off.

Neither of you can
call it off.

Fine! The wedding is back on,

but I will make sure
it is terrible for you.

Oh, you don't know
terrible!

Trust me, no one
knows terrible more than she does, man.

[YELLS IN FRUSTRATION] As the wedding battle
hit a fever pitch,

my brother was taking
one last swing at beating the Steves.

The trophy goes to...

Me! Or it will,
after our last competition,

a rap battle between me
and Dr. Steve for 100 points.

You're behind by 200.

One million points.

Yeah, let me just
check the rules.

- No.
- It's agreed.

Dr. Steve,
do you accept my challenge,

or do you admit defeat?

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
Sorry, um, I was on the phone with the Suns' gorilla.

He twisted his ankle
on a trampoline jam.

Are you talking to me?

Barry, can I talk
to you privately?

Not now. I'm about to drop
some funky cold medina.

Okay, Big Tasty,
you can begin or whatever.

[RAPPING] ♪ Dr. Steve
Older than the hills

♪ You gotta help him walk
or he'll take big spills

♪ Hollywood Steve
ain't nothing like me

♪ Just a poor man's Aames
a wee Willie Wee

♪ Stephan can't
understand a word

♪ Body by Jake
but the face of a turd

♪ And then there's me
the greatest ex-boyfriend

♪ The man who rocked
the world of Lainey that one and Ren! ♪

[CLAPPING]

[SIGHS] Wow.

I mean, I think we have
our winner,

but what the heck,
I will give it a try.

Do I have to spit
- as much as he did? - Please don't.

♪ Geoff and Erica,
a love born so true

♪ For him and for her
there's nothing they won't do

♪ When Geoff first saw you
his loving heart was slain

♪ A woman so strong who still
had hands like the rain

♪ Delicate and soft
a touch he needed

♪ So to his deepest passion
this great man heeded

♪ So together, they embark
on their journey of love

♪ A God-given miracle
from heaven above! ♪

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That was amazing!

That made
my entire weekend.

Dr. Steve,
how did you do that?

Well, I kind of channeled
all the love I'm feeling

in this house, I guess.

I have two words
for you... Nice job?

You suck and you're old!

Well, that was five words,
and I'm 36.

My God, enough!

This whole weekend,
you've been trying to impress your exes,

barely paying
attention to me.

You're not over
any of them.

But at least now it's clear
who you are over.

Me.

- Joanne, come on.
- Mmm-mmm.

♪

Thanks to my mom and Lou,
the wedding was falling apart.

So I decided to try
and put it back together.

I need to make things right,
and I need your help to do it.

That's what Wesley said in
season two's seminal episode,

"Requiem." Mr. Belvedere?

Sorry. Sometimes,
I forget the world at large

doesn't share my passion
for all things Belv.

Look, I know
if we work together,

we can make a wedding tribute
video so magical,

it could end
all this madness.

But if you won't do it
for love or art,

would you do it for money?

You had me at money.

And just like that,
we got down to work.

We used Schwartz photos,
Goldberg photos,

even my home movies.

And so I gathered the folks
who needed to see it most.

[TAPE REWINDING]

ANNOUNCER:
Up next, Mr. Belvedere.

"Mr. Belvedere"?

I'll tell you
what it's not,

loving pictures of our family
set to a James Taylor song!

Damn it,
it happened again.

Those trucker pills were
supposed to keep me focused.

Can I go? I despise
that fussbottom butler.

Maybe because
he reminds you of you,

a cranky buttinsky
who oversteps his role!

Oh, hell no!

I will not stand here
while you sully

Lynn Aloysius Belvedere's
good name!

Aloysius?

Guys!
We wanted to remind you

that weddings are about
coming together,

joining forces,
and being better for it.

Erica and Geoff
are making a commitment

to spend the rest
of their lives together.

Why can't you celebrate that?

I have been.

At the exclusion
of the Schwartzes!

He went too far
with the video,

but this all started
with that wedding announcement.

That was very hurtful.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just you're
this accomplished eye doctor,

and I'm just
the mother of the bride.

[SIGHS] I wanted
to feel important, too.

Beverly, you're
incredibly important.

You raised
a wonderful daughter

that we're beyond delighted
to welcome into our family.

And two great sons.

If you say so.

You're right.

[VOICE BREAKING]
I am a mother and a hero.

♪

See, this is
what it's all about.

You know what?

It is
what it's all about.

I have so much work
to do.

Making a montage video that
includes both of our families?

No, man.
I'm gonna take another crack at my Belv script.

Toodle-oo.

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom and Lou were making things right,

Barry was trying to figure out
where he went wrong.

Can I ask you guys
something,

based on your
intimate knowledge of me?

You and I kissed once
at a party,

but, sure,
I'll give you life advice.

Why do I always ruin
the good things I have?

Look, Bar, you're
the best, but you can also be a little...

Emotionally out of control?

I was gonna say intense.

And you're never better than
when you're not worrying about

what other people
think of you.

Or trying to show off.

You have a giant heart,
and you were a great boyfriend.

I was?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

I thought your name was Gary
until this weekend.

Just be honest.
No weird plans or schemes.

Just tell her how you feel.

I think I can do that.

We know you can.

I don't know
that you can, but maybe?

[SCOFFS]

♪

Joanne, I know
I've been a jerk.

Yeah, you have.

Look, all the women
I ever dated

are now with amazing men,
so I freaked out.

Because you're jealous.
Yeah, I get it.

Because I got scared
that you might be the next one

to leave me
and go find your Steve.

You really think that?

Seems to be the pattern.

Barry, I would never dump you
for some amazing guy

because you're
my amazing guy.

[HIGHER LOVE PLAYS]

You're my Steve.
[CHUCKLES]

Guess I am the big winner
this weekend.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you are.

♪ Oh We both are.
[CHUCKLES]

♪ Bring me higher love ♪

Weddings bring
people together.

The stress
that comes with them

can sometimes
drive them apart.

Give it up for Dr. Steve![ALL CHEERING]

But then again, what brings
everybody back together

is remembering why they were
all there in the first place.

'Cause when you
celebrate love

with the people
you care about the most,

there's no such thing
as a bad seat.

Don't worry, kids,
the wedding is back on.

- What?
- I don't even want to know.

Even if getting there

can sometimes be
a little confusing.

Uh-oh. We still don't have
a seat for your Aunt Edna.

That woman is a pill.
She always pats my belly and says,

"Looks like
you're having twins."

[GASPS]
Screw you, Aunt Edna!

At least I have eyebrows.

Well, why don't
we put Aunt Edna in the caterer's kitchen?

I like where
your head's at.

And I am not fond of my cousin
Ronnie who still cleans pools,

so why don't we put him
in the smoking section?

[BOTH LAUGH]

We work well together.

Weddings really do bring out
the best in people.

[LAUGHS]

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