All language subtitles for Monster.In.Law.2005.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

♪You thought you had
found a good girl

♪One to love you
and give you the world

♪Now you find
that you've been misused

♪Talk to me,
I'll do what you choose

♪I want you to

♪Tell Mama

♪All about it

♪Tell Mama

♪What you need

♪Tell Mama

♪What you want

♪And I'll make everything
all right

♪That girl you had
didn't have no sense

♪She wasn't worth
all the time that you spent

♪She had another man
throw you outdoors

♪Now the same man
is wearing your clothes

♪I want you
to tell Mama

♪Tell Mama

♪What you want

♪And I'll make everything
all right...

Hi, it's Charlie.
Leave a message.

Hi, Charlie. It's Carol
from the LA Temp Agency.

Listen, Dr. Batel's office needs you
for tomorrow. Is that okay?

Let me know. Bye.

Good morning, neighbor.

Hey.

Help yourself.

Mm, thanks.
I was out of everything.

Ah, why do I even bother?

You know, Remy, I gave you
that key for emergencies.

Extreme emergencies.

It was.
I needed caffeine.

I don't know.
This is good. I'd even wear it.

Good, 'cause I got to go.
I'm late for my first client.

But you stay,
have breakfast, take a shower.

Go through my drawers.

♪Tell Mama

♪All about it

♪Tell Mama

♪What you want

♪Tell Mama...

Hey, Charlie.
- Good morning.

Are the boys ready?

Dragon!

Zorro!

Hey!
There are my boys.

Come on. Yeah.

See you later!
- Bye!

Be good, boys!

Whoa!

♪Tell Mama all about it

♪Tell Mama
what you need

♪Tell mama.

"Romance is in the air today.

No one can resist
your obvious charms."

Well, Otis, your horoscope
seems accurate.

Stop it.

Come on.
Let's read mine, Okay?

"Do not leave your house today."
Too late.

"And stop looking so hard.
Love is right in front of you."

Hey.

What's wrong?

I ordered a nonfat latte.
I can taste the fat.

Be happy to change it for you, sir.

No, you can't you even
make a freaking cup of coffee.

I can taste the fat.
- I'd be more than happy to give you another one.

How hard is it to make
a freaking cup of coffee?

I can make another one for you
if you'd like.

I'd be happy to exchange it for you, sir.
- Hello?

It's okay. You've done enough, thanks.

I'm sorry.

Karma.

Have a good one.

Thanks, girl!

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't know how
to read tarot cards.

Why am I in the cards?
- Come on, just try.

Okay, well, this crazy old lady
keeps coming up.

The knight
in shining armor.

Mmm! That's mine.

I saw this guy twice today.
- That guy?

Two times in one day.
That's got to be a sign, right?

Mm, a sign.

Yeah, okay. What did he say
when you talked to him?

I didn't talk to him.

Well, are you sure
he saw you?

Yeah!
I mean, I think so.

Okay, honey,
we're worried about you

because you're turning
into a little bit of a freak.

Yeah, we think
it's from not having sex.

Exactly.

Look, just because...

I haven't been in a relationship in a while
doesn't mean I'm miserable.

I just want a sweet guy,
you know?

A guy who's strong
but still, you know,

opens a door once in a while,
and...

notices things and

you know, maybe
makes a difference.

Maybe he completes you.

Oh.

You complete me.

Dr. Batel's office.

Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.

Go to Grandma's,
tell her I'll be home late.

I still have stitches to do and things.

Yeah, can you please hold?

I'll see you at home.

You know what? You go ahead.
I can do that for you.

Oh, thank you, Charlie.
You're a doll.

No problem.

Hey, George.

How're you doing, Charlie?

Good. What do you got there?

The doctor asked me to bring it from home.

Whoo! Okay!

All right. The doctor
will be right with you.

♪I said "Leap into my arms, babe"

♪Come on, dive into the stove...

We're here!

Thank God
you guys are here.

I am down two girls tonight.

Here. Sorry, that's all I got left.

Well, you know, I love that I'm
now comfortable enough with my sexuality

to wear something like this, you know?
- Looks good on you.

Hey, what's up?
- Take off the apron now.

Sorry.

Where do we start?

Okay, hand out
these shrimp balls.

Look, there's got to be
a better name for those.

I don't think that's a bad name.

What's wrong with the name?

♪I say, we look back...

Oh my God, that's him.

Oh, who? Who?

The guy I ran into.

He's here.

Where?
- What?

That is three times in two days.
What are the chances of that?

Like, none.

That's Dr. Fields.

This is his party.
He just moved back from San Francisco.

Really?
- Yeah.

Well, you're right.
He is hot.

♪Flirting with disaster

♪You're the one I'm after

♪I think I've found my destiny

♪I could fly

♪On the wings of my heart

♪Deep inside

♪I've been falling apart

♪L-L-Love

♪There's a magic in you

♪And I'll be

♪Under your spell...
- Here's the best part.

The guy then goes into cardiac arrest,

Kevin performs CPR
on the guy,

saves his life again.

God! Disgusting, isn't he?

No, you are amazing.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

Wait wait.
What do we have there?

Oh, um, balls.

Uh, shrimp balls.

Um, shrimp in...

balls.

I'm sorry,

but we're not really
into fish genitalia.

Yeah, okay.

Was she really listening
to our conversation?

Excuse me.

Wait a second.

Um, so I know two things about you.
You work in catering,

and you have a lot of dogs.

Oh, that. No.

Uh, I'm a dog walker.

I'm not some crazy dog-lady
with 12,000 dogs.

That's why.

I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to be eavesdropping.

Oh, you're right.
You shouldn't have.

You should have stayed
and talked to me.

Well, your girlfriend
seemed pretty offended.

Oh no, that's...
that's not my girlfriend.

I don't have a...
I'm single...

I don't have a girlfriend.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie.

Charlotte, but Charlie.

Well, I'm Kevin.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

What?

What does "uh-oh" mean?

It looks like someone else
is mowing your lawn, Fiona.

I'm gonna go destroy these.

Excuse me.
I'll see you guys.

Oh, my shoes are killing me

which means
they must look fabulous.

Can I get you anything?

One of him on a platter.

Such a waste.

What's a waste?

Oh, you didn't know?

Kevin's gay.

What?

Yeah.

That's Kit, the groom.

Or maybe he's the bride.
I can't remember

which one's the top
and which one's the bottom.

Yeah, they're getting married
next Christmas in Maui.

I didn't get that vibe.

Trust me.

Thanks.

Look at that dude's arms!

I used to have
such a good gaydar.

Oh, you're home.
Thank God.

I'm exhausted.

What did you do today?
- Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.

Went to the post office.

Hi, Charlie.

- This is Kevin Fields.
- That's him.

I don't know if you remember me
from the party the other night,

but I was just calling,
to see if...

maybe... maybe you wanted
to walk my dog.

What? No!

Oh, hang up the phone.

No, actually, no, you can't,
'cause I don't have a dog. So...

maybe you could walk me.

Hang it up.

All right, you know,
I'm gonna go now.

Just call me at 555-0118
and ask for Dr. Fields, okay?

Thanks. Bye.

Oh man, that was...

That was horrible.

Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath
for a callback on that.

Yeah. Well, she'll call me back
if she wants to walk an idiot.

Yeah, I'm not gonna disagree with you.

So takeout
or raid your fridge?

Here we go.

Take it easy, Lilly.

Easy.

Hi.

You never called me back so I figured
I'd bring the coffee to you.

Thanks. Um...

Look, I think you're a really nice guy
and everything, but...

I don't know why
you called me.

You know? I'm a woman.

Yeah, I love that fact.

Have you ever been
with a woman?

Excuse me?

I mean, have you only
ever been with men?

Men?
What are you talking...

Whoa whoa whoa.
Wait a minute, I'm not gay.

You're not?

No.

No, I like women.
Lots of... no, not lots of women,

but you know what I mean.

Why did you think
I was gay?

Awkward.

Okay, I got to go now.

Wait wait.
Wait wait wait.

Okay, I'll prove to you
that I'm not gay, okay?

Let me take you out on Friday night.
We'll watch the playoffs,

I'll order a pizza,
I'll completely ignore you.

Give me one good reason.

'Cause I'm different.

Really?

Okay, what color
are my eyes?

Well, at first glance,
your eyes are brown.

But when the light hits them
they change to amber.

And if you look really closely around the iris
the color is pure honey.

But when you look
into the sun

they almost look green.

That's my favorite.

How'd I do?

I would've settled
for brown.

Okay!

Peanut, let go!

Off! Off!

I'm sorry he bit you.

I mean, they all have their shots
so it should be fine.

Seriously, don't worry about it.
(It) barely broke the skin.

Outside.

Did you just move
in or something?

No, I've been here
a year and a half.

Oh, nice place.

I should have some hydrogen peroxide
around here somewhere.

What is all this stuff?

Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.

This?

And a Little League coach.

And a dog walker
and a caterer.

I told you I'm a temp.

That is not true.
She is an incredibly talented artist.

Remy.

I mean, look at her sketchbook.

Remy!

She hides it
right under there.

Remy!

What?

The hell's he doing here?

He's not gay.

Not gay?

No!

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Found it!

So you're an artist, too?

Uh, I like to dabble in
a lot of different things.

I mean, life's too short
to live the same day twice, right?

That's a good
philosophy to live by.

Yeah. My dad always used
to say that. Come on.

Used to?

Oh, yeah, my parents died
when I was little.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.
(It) was a really long time ago.

Ready?

Yeah, I mean, it's a little embarrassing.

And I'm the doctor.
I'm the one who's supposed to look at the...

Ouh! Ow!

Oh my God. I'm sorry!

I'm just kidding.

I just...
I never get to do that.

Okay, because the cut is,
like, three inches higher.

Sorry.

Do you need my phone?

Oh, no thanks.

It's just my mom.

And it's only her
second page of the day.

She's just getting started.

Well, you're all set.

Thank you.

So, do you think...

we could do this again sometime,
maybe without the biting?

Yeah, that would be nice.

You heard from Kevin yet?

Not yet. I've paged him.

Would you page
him again?

- Good morning, Stan.
- Good morning.

You're in a good mood.

Hey, the last time the network executives
came to my dressing room

I got my own show and a big fat raise.

Yeah and I had to start kissing your...

Viola Fields?

Oh my God!

It is such an honor
to meet you.

Oh thank you, darling.

Would you mind
just signing this autograph?

For my grandmother.

I'd love to.

You know what else I'd love?
I'd love you to get me a latte.

Do you mind?

Okay.

Thanks, hon.

Hi, guys.
How are you?

That woman is a legend.

Shouldn't you be
getting the latte?

I just can't believe
they picked me to replace her.

Oh, shit!

I've been replaced?

I'm so sorry, Viola.

I'm fine.

I mean, you've had
an amazing career, Viola.

It's just that we're trying to appeal
to a younger demographic.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

God damn!
Get my manager on the phone!

And then I'm gonna call
the head of the...

Um...

We're on in two minutes.

Okay.

Will you get her to come?

Please!

Okay, she'll be ready.

I'm ready.

♪Love got jeans
and a tee

♪Am I kinky or sweet?

♪Take a look inside my makeup bag

♪Ooh

♪If you wanna love me

♪How good or bad
I can be...

You okay?

I'm great.

Hey, I've had
a great run.

I've done exclusives with
Kissinger, the Dalai Lama,

Muhammad Ali,

four sitting presidents,

three of them hit on me.

Five Emmys!

Oh, now I'm being replaced
by a young thing

whose grandmother loves me.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna finish out my contract

and I'm gonna leave this show
with my dignity intact.

Okay, coming back
from commercial.

Take 3, cue announcer.

Today on Public Intimacy,

pop singing sensation
Tanya Murphy.

And now we're live
with Viola Fields.

Four, three, two...

Well, that was very nice.

My goodness, you have a big voice
for such a tiny girl.

You're gonna miss
Viola Fields.

Have you always
been a singer?

Ever since I was a child,

I would sing
in school plays, choirs.

How old are you?

I'll be 17 next month.

What do you do for fun?

I love watching
really old movies.

They're my favorite.

Really? Really, which ones?

Uh, well, "Grease"
and "Grease II."

Um, "Benji."
I love "Benji."

"Free Willy,"

"Legally blonde,"

"The Little Mermaid."

Yeah. Oh, I know.

You ever read a newspaper?

Newspaper?

Viola, the girl
has stars on her nipples.

I don't have
much time for that.

So basically, you have absolutely
no idea what's going on in the world?

Oh, l...
- And yet, you've sold over

five million albums, CDs,

to millions of kids who listen to your insipid lyrics.
- What is she doing?

"You wanna know me,
look in my makeup bag."

You're influencing
an entire generation of kids

who won't know how
to think straight,

or vote for a president,

or remember the significance
of Roe versus Wade.

Oh!

I don't support
boxing as a sport.

I think it's too violent.

You all better get that
little girl out of there.

Holy crap!

Get us off the air!
Quick!

Go to commercial! Go to commercial!

Crazy bitch!

Get off of me!

Cut! Cut!
- Get her off!

Put in the BowFlex tape!

Juiceman, something!

Oh, I don't support
boxing as a sport.

I think it's too violent.

Oh.

I wanted you to take one last look
at the old Viola.

Oh, thank God
I've changed.

Yes.

Well, just remember,

the breakdown was
only a few months ago.

So...

take it nice
and slow out there.

No stress.

Absolutely.

In fact, I'm gonna take a vacation.

I've been promising my son
we'd go to Africa

since he was a little boy.

And I finally have
the time.

That's wonderful.

Not to worry,

I'm in complete control.

Ruby!

Ruby, my dear old friend.

Oh, I'm so happy
to see you.

You look good.
They still have you medicated.

Ruby, I figured it out.

Life, I mean.

Oh, this ought to be good.

It's not about how many celebrities
I interviewed or what my ratings are.

It's about relationships
and family.

Oh!

Me and my son.

Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.

Did you get the tickets?

Sure did. Right here.

He's gonna be so surprised.

Yeah, the three of you
shall have a good time.

Three?

Yeah.

You, Kevin and
his new girlfriend.

New girlfriend?

Oh, that's a lovely surprise.

Is it?

Well, I mean,
it can't be too serious.

I've only been away
a few months.

Well, that's
the end of it.

Where do you want me
to put this?

Oh, under the bed.

Uh, you sure you don't want me
to put it by the door

so you can make a quick escape to the apartment you still have for some reason?

No. Come on, you agreed to me
subletting my apartment.

I would have agreed to anything
to get you to move in here.

Oh, these are great.
Are they new?

Oh, no!
You can't look at those!

'Cause they're
not finished yet.

Oh, sorry.

Okay?
- Okay.

Please?

Here, I'll put them back.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

we're having lunch with
my mom tomorrow.

Oh!

It'll be fine.
I promise.

You wanna take a shower?

Hmm.

Yeah! Okay!

♪It's just a ride,
it's just a ride

♪No need to run,
no need to hide

♪lt'll take you
round and round.

All right, so tell me
about your dad.

Well, he died
when I was two.

But that was just
her first husband.

At the time she was
a freelance journalist

and then she married this guy
who was a network exec

and got her her first
on-air break,

but divorced him
for Alec Wrigley.

Wait, the actor?

I thought he was...

Oh, he was.
It lasted about two years

till she threw him out for sleeping
with her second husband.

Wait, how many times
has she been married?

About four.

Wow.

But, you know, her career
was always the main thing.

She just lived for it.

Well, her career
and me, of course.

And, basically,
now I'm all she's got.

Here we are.

Oh, no.

Oh, playing dress-up,
are we?

Shut up! Is that
the Dalai Lama?

Yeah.

Oh my God, That can't be real.

It is.

Did you know
all these people?

Some of them.

Kevin!

Look at you, all handsome.

Ruby!

Good to see you.

You too.

Now, forget about
my mother.

This is the woman
you need to get through.

Charlie, this is Ruby.

Well, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Uh, excuse us.
I've got to talk to him about a rash.

You're bringing a girl home
to meet your mother now?

Yeah, Ruby, I am.

The women is fresh off
the funny farm.

Hey, why don't you come back,
let's say, next spring?

Oh, the trees
will be blooming.

Oh.

It'll be so beautiful.
She'll love it.

How is she?

She's good.

The first thing she did when she got home
was make me lock up all the booze.

It's Oprah!

Oprah!

Yeah, Oprah.

There's one in there
with the cast from "Good Times" too.

So how big is this place?

About four acres.

There's a tennis court, two swimming pools,
indoor and outdoor.

It's kind of crazy.

What?
No helicopter pad?

Oh, no.
There's one out back.

I'm kidding.

Kevin!

Oh, I've missed you
so much!

I promise I'll never
leave you again.

Oh my God, Mom.
Look at you. You look fantastic.

Oh, just something
I threw together.

Come here.

What?

Introduce you to someone.

- Charlie. Mom?
- Kevin.

Charlie, this is Mom.

Mom, Charlie.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I'd love to just be able
to think of it and make it.

I must have spent the last 30 years
looking for the perfect little black...

cocktail dress.

Yes.

I know.

Well, it doesn't matter. You could
wear anything with your figure.

I mean, you look amazing.

Oh, honey, thanks.

Listen, when you're my age,
if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.

Why the question mark?

Oh, 'cause
I just don't know.

Oh.

I love your jewelry.

Oh, yes.
- I love that.

Yes, thank you.

I like it, the earth tones.

It's fantastic.

Where did you get this from?

My first husband.

That's Kevin's father. He gave it to me
when we were in Peru.

It's very earthy.
- It's like the dress,

Yeah, very earthy.

I just think it's wonderful
that you've tried so many temp jobs.

Think of all
the experiences you have.

You've been so quiet, Kevin.

Oh, it's kind of hard to
get a word in edgewise with you two.

Oh, is he great,
or what?

I tell you too,
it's a little scary.

Enjoy it while you can.

Here you go,
some more coffee.

Actually, I was a little nervous
about the two of you meeting.

- Really?
- Why?

Well, 'cause it's
important to me.

Mom, you're the most
amazing woman I've ever known.

And, Charlie,
I've never met anyone like you.

You're real,
you're honest.

And although we've only
known each other for a few months,

I feel like
I've known you forever.

I guess what I'm
trying to say here...

is what are you doing
for the rest of your life?

What?

Oh my God!

Charlie, will you
marry me?

It's...

it's too sudden.

She's in shock.

No!

I mean, I am, but...

Seriously?

Seriously.

No, no. Say "no."

Yes. Yes!

Yeah!

Oh, gee... oh!

Oh!

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

- Congratulations!
- Oh my God. I can't believe this.

I am so happy for you.

Congratulations!
I'm so pleased

that you're gonna be
my daughter-in-law.

Oh, congratulations.

I can't believe this.

I'm so happy for you.

Thank you!

You're gonna
need a moment alone.

- Excuse me, I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Oh!

Shit!

Ugh!

What's...

Ah!

14% alcohol!

You are so crazy! Oh my God!

Oh, I almost forgot.

I've been carrying this around for two weeks
waiting for the perfect moment.

I can't believe that this
turned out to be it.

Kevin.

Try it on.

It is the perfect moment.

Maybe you should go
check on your mom.

Oh, she's fine. She's probably
calling all of our relatives.

Oh, Holy Spirit...

surround me with light.

Please rid me
of my negative karma

and my wickedness.

Please help me be
a better person.

I could just kill
that dog-walking slut!

Of course.

She's pregnant.

So, goodness.

That was a lot to
take in at teatime.

- Oh, you're telling me.
- I had no idea

that you guys were so serious.

Kevin, you never
mentioned anything.

- Mom.
- Here's what I wanna say.

It's wonderful
being in love.

But I don't think marriage is
the best solution to a thing like this.

Well, you know nowadays a girl has
so many alternatives to getting married.

I'm mean, there's adoption, abortion,
lesbianism...

Whoa, Mom!

Hmm?

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, it's so sudden I have to
assume there's a pressing reason.

Oh, oh, no.

Charlie's not pregnant.

Call me old-fashioned,

marriage is a sacred union

that should only be entered into
with the utmost care.

Weren't you married
four times?

Yes, dear.

Which would make me an expert,
don't you think?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's the hospital.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

You want me to go
with you?

No, stay right there.

You know, this is as sudden
for me as it is for you.

It's too sudden, right?

You think?

Yeah.

Really?

I mean, what's the rush?
It's not like the old days

when you have to get married
and have kids, and

have it all figured out
by the time you are 21.

Exactly.

We would have options now.

Yeah.

And I've always liked
having my options, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

This is so... big.

What am l...
what am I doing?

I love Kevin.

I wanna spend the rest
of my life with him.

Oh my God!
I'm getting married!

Ruby!

Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne.

We're gonna celebrate.

May I have the key
to the liquor cabinet please?

What key?

The key, Ruby.

Key?
There's no key.

Ruby, give me the key.

You want to take this
outside?

Bring me the key!

And fix your hair.

You look like
a damned cockatoo.

She is such
a fabulous assistant.

Hey, do you think
your mother liked me?

Of course. Why?

I don't know, because she called me
a pregnant lesbian?

I'm sure she meant that
as a compliment.

Trust me.
She loved you.

Oh, they're gone?

Ok. Well, I'll just put this baby
back to bed, okay?

My son,
the brilliant surgeon

is gonna marry a temp.

Gonna need something
stronger than this.

Where's that martini?

Hooch will not solve
your problems.

She's gonna destroy him.

It is so clear.

She's got no money,
no career goals.

She's just waiting for a rich innocent
to step right in her path.

Oh, Kevin's smarter than that.

Come on,
you raised him well.

He's a good boy.

But he's a man.
That's the problem.

The only time they think straight
is when they have an erection,

and it's usually pointed
right at the trampiest woman.

You talking about
her or you?

Look, there's nothing
you can do.

Just let it go.

You know what you need?

A project.

Or another husband.

You know, why don't you
marry another gay guy?

That was fun.

You know, you're right.

I do need a project.

And I have
the perfect one.

I am gonna save my son.

Here.

What?

You go use those old
contacts of yours

to get all the information you can
about that little pimp.

And exactly what do you
expect to find?

Everybody's got a past, honey.

Find something.

And I'm gonna open up
the Montecito house

and get a party planner.

I'm gonna give them
an engagement party.

And then what?
Lock her in the basement?

When he sees how out of place
she is in his world,

it's gonna be over.

This will end badly.

Get me another one
of those.

♪Ooh-ohh

♪I just wanna
get down with you

Eh!

♪I just wanna get close to you

♪Ooh-ohh

♪I just need to come farther...

Is it me, or is each house
you take me to bigger than the last?

Well, I thought your mom
said this was a barbecue.

Oh my God. Looks like she's invited
everyone I've ever known.

And they're all
in black tie.

Oh, there's my mom.
Mom!

Darlings!

How was the trip?

- I'm sorry.
- Welcome.

I didn't know this was a formal party.

Well, that's because I have something for you.
I bought you a new dress.

Oh, see?
There's a dress upstairs.

- Thank you.
- Besides, you look great in anything.

Exactly. You always look
so clean and shiny.

Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo's upstairs
in your room.

But first I want you to meet
some friends. Come.

Ok.

- Prince Amir.
- Can I change first?

This is Sarah.

You know Kevin?

And this is Charlie.

She's a temp.

Oh, Charlie, this is the man that introduced the
euro to the global market.

- Mr. Prime Minister.
- Viola.

Oh, Marie.

You know my son, but
this is Charlie.

Very good to meet you.

It's so nice to meet you.

She's a temp.

Yeah.

I worked in a bank once.

Oh, look! There's
the Poet Laureate and...

Oh, Charlie, first I want you to meet
the Secretary of Commerce.

Viola, please let me
change first.

I don't wanna meet her
in my flip-flops.

Of course, of course. Ruby, would
you show Charlie to the guest room?

- Come on, Charlie.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Wow!

Oh my...

It's vintage.

Oh, Fiona.

You look stunning.

Thank you. So do you.

My goodness.

Kevin just went up
to his old room.

Why don't you go
say hello to him?

I'd love to.

Good girl.

Fiona, what are you doing here?
I'm dressing.

Why don't you let me give you
a hand with that?

Give it up, Fiona.

You know,

you and I had a very
strong bond once.

No, you and I had
very strong drinks once.

That's not true.

Kiss me. I'll remind you
how good it was.

What are you doing?

I'm engaged.
I'm happy.

It's gonna fit!

Why'd she get me
such a small dress?

I've two asses.

It'll fit.

There we go.

Okay.

Okay!

Okay!

What is it about her
that's so special?

I don't know, but I plan on spending
the rest of my life finding out.

Kevin!

God! Men in love
are really hot.

Fiona!

Oops!

Um...

I was just giving Kevin
a congratulatory kiss.

Don't, uh, worry.

Why would I worry?
He's gay, right?

Charlie!

Charlie, that was not
what it looked like.

I'm going home.

I destroyed priceless couture,

embarrassed myself
in front of 70% of the world's royalty.

Oh! I forgot, yeah!

I just caught you making out
with your ex-girlfriend.

Charlie, let me explain.

Ugh!
It doesn't matter.

I can't do this.

I don't belong here,
Kevin.

And if I don't belong here
then maybe we don't...

Hey hey hey.
Listen to me.

It's you and me now.

This isn't my world anymore.

You're my world.

Okay?

Let's get the hell out of here.
I'm taking you home.

Okay.

Um...

Let me try and get out
of this dress and then...

Okay, see you
downstairs.

♪There's a million miles
to go

♪Till our happiness lives

♪There's a million miles
to go

♪Till our happiness lives.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's great.

I'm so glad you
finally decided to do it.

I don't know. I just woke up today
and it just felt like home.

I'm gonna do
all three walls.

You know, I think it's time
to take a break.

Oh, wait!

- Wait a minute.
- Whoo whoo whoo!

I can't let it dry
too much.

Oh God!

Are we getting out of bed
today, "Camille"?

What for?

I could die
and nobody would care.

I would.

You promised me
a face-lift.

Sit down, Ruby.
Sit with me, hold my hand.

Have you got anything
on the girl yet?

Nothing. Nada.

No criminal record.

No debt.

Good grades.

Went to design school.
Then a string of odd jobs.

Isn't that exactly what
somebody with a past does?

What about drugs?
What about promiscuity?

She's had fewer lovers
in her entire life

than you did
at closing day of Woodstock.

Well, find something.

Well, I guess if I had a hair sample, maybe I
could take it to my little crime lab and...

Perfect.

I'll get to work on it.

Listen to me.

There is nothing.

Has it ever occurred to you
that maybe she's a good girl?

Oh, don't joke.

I would like to speak to that woman
who got back from the loony bin.

Is she around?

Because you are taking me
for a spin in the crazy mobile.

Ruby, Ruby.

Everybody knows when
a woman marries a man

she marries his mother
too, right?

What if I drive her crazy?

Okay, now you're
foaming at the mouth.

Charlie and Kevin's house.

Oh, I forgot you live there.

I didn't realize that you
had already moved in.

Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone
with your mother!

I'm sorry, Viola.

The slut's practically
fornicating with him!

Stop it!

I don't blame her.

That boy's a fine piece of ass.

Hold on, Viola.
He's...

Stop it! Right here.

Actually, Charlie,
the reason I'm calling

is I wondered if you'd like to
have lunch next week.

Really?

How would Tuesday
work for you?

Yeah,
Tuesday's perfect!

Listen, Viola, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now,

Um, but Tuesday's fine.

Yeah, me too.

Lots to do!

Okay, bye!

Oh.

I'll go get the vodka.

It's good to see you.

There she is.

Charlotte.

Hi. I'm gonna have the garden salad

and the low-cal Chinese dressing
and a decaf iced tea.

And you, miss?

Oh, um, I'll just have a...

cheeseburger
with fries and a soda.

- All right.
- Okay.

You continue
to surprise me.

Arert you worried about fitting
in your wedding dress?

Well, I mean, I'm making the dress
to fit my body,

not the other way around.

Whoa. I wish I had been
that confident when I got married.

I'll tell you one thing
you're gonna have that I never did,

a stupendous wedding.

And it's important that we
book the church right away.

I always thought
that Kevin looked like Jesus

in the cathedral down on Second Street.

Actually, we were thinking
of having a

non-denominational service,

being that I'm more spiritual
than religious.

Oh.

What about my place then?

That way we don't even
need to book a location.

And Kevin was born there
and grew up there.

Oh, it would mean
so much to him.

I'll plan it all.

We'll have that marvelous band
that the Swansons' had at their wedding,

and a divine cake.

Oh, honey!

No no no!

Chewing,
it's a disgusting habit.

Oh, hold still.
I've gotta...

- There!
- Ow!

Got it!

Thanks, um...

What do you think
about peach?

- Oh, um, excuse me.
- Yes?

Can I get another salad
without the nuts?

I have allergies.

Okay.

I'm allergic to nuts,
and eggs, and shellfish,

and blueberries.

Oh, and soy.

It's amazing you've been able
to nourish yourself all these years.

Oh, yeah!
The cake!

I'm thinking traditional vanilla
with strawberry drizzle.

Look, Viola, I really do have
all of this under control.

I made this for you.

It's your wedding planner book.
Peach.

Oh.

Is that a picture
of me and Kevin?

Oh, and...

present time from your new mama!

Thanks.

Wow!

Big!

You can see the thorns on the roses.

You'll wear it on your wedding day,
just like I did.

Of course I was
a virgin when I wed.

But we'll just pretend
with you.

Now, about the wedding,

the two of you are gonna arrive
in a horse and carriage.

And the driver's top hat
will match the horse's saddles

and the ribbons on the doves

that will be released at the
exact moment of "I do."

Hmm?

And I've been in touch
with your bridesmaids.

How do you know
their names?

Well, Kevin told me.
And I think for the honeymoon

St. Bart's is the absolute
best place for you to go

'cause Kevin adores it.

Hey, just... hold on!

Just wait
a minute, okay?

No.

Thank you, but no.

Thank you,
but no to everything.

No to the horse
and buggy.

No to the top hats,
and to the doves and geese

and any other farm animals
you're thinking of using that day.

And definitely no to you
planning our honeymoon.

- What?
- Oh no.

I can... oh!

Oh!

- What's wrong?
- Oh!

- "Oh no" what?
- My pills, my pills!

Okay.
Well, let me help you.

Oh!

Viola!

- Oh, no!
- Wait, Viola!

Viola!

Viola!

Oh my God, Viola.
Oh my God!

- Give her some room.
- Help!

My God, is she dead?

- No!
- Get her some help.

It couldn't be
that easy.

She's had an anxiety attack,

which can feel like
a heart attack.

She's gonna be okay.

But she definitely needs
to take it easy. No stress.

Uh, she said that you were yelling at her,
refused her gift

and said she couldn't
plan our wedding.

Tell me that's
not true.

Well, technically...

yes.

But, hold on.
I didn't yell at her.

And she just kept pushing
and pushing and pushing.

And, okay, I admit it.
I snapped a little bit. But...

I mean, what was I supposed to do?
She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Oh, come on, look, you know
what a hard time she's been having.

So she's a little difficult.

Difficult?

A two-year-old
is difficult.

- She's like... ah!
- Come on, I mean, she's all alone.

I'm all she's got...
we're all she's got.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I'm Dr. Chamberlain,
the psychiatrist in residence.

You Mrs. Fields's son?

Yes.

May we speak in private?

Oh, actually, this is my fiancée.
We can talk.

Um, is she okay?

Well, I just completed your mother's
interview and I'm concerned.

It's possible that she's on the verge
of a psychotic break.

I should probably see her
at least twice a week, minimum.

Also, I prescribed her
some anti-anxiety medication.

If she starts to feel overwhelmed,
they'll relax her.

Does she live alone?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I feel it would be best

if she were cared for
by relatives,

people that are closest
to her during this time.

Just until we're confident
that she's out of danger.

All right.

Well, thank you, Doctor.

Ah, God.

I've got that
medical conference.

What am I gonna do?

You know what?
Don't...

Don't worry about it.

Um, I'll take care of her.

Thank you.

Come on.

What?

- You know, come with me.
- No no, the doctor said no stress.

- All right? Charlie, come on.
- I'll stay here.

- Enough already.
- Kevin.

Come on.

Come on.

I am so sorry.

No, Mom, don't be.
It's okay, really.

Charlie?

I'm sorry too, Viola.

No, I was too pushy.

No.

You weren't.
Look, Viola...

I would love it if you would
help me with the wedding.

It's all right, sweetheart,
l...

I don't really think
I'm up to it.

My nerves are shot.

Mom...

Mom, Charlie and I think
you should live with us for a while,

until you feel better.

Are you sure?

Oh!

- Oh, I can't possibly.
- Mom.

- I couldn't.
- It's okay. Relax.

I couldn't possibly.

Not unless I know
Charlotte's forgiven me.

Will you?

Me?

Yeah, I forgive you.

Oh.

Yeah, you just put those
anywhere.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Are you feeling better?
- I'm much better, thank you.

Great.

Sweetheart, I'm kind of thirsty.

Would you...
Is the kitchen over there?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Okay.

Hey, Charlie.

You moving in, too?

No, I don't like
the neighborhood.

Look, do you have any
firearms in the house?

No.

You might wanna get one.

When will you be back?

Soon as I can, honey.
I promise.

(Are you) sure you're gonna be okay?

Yeah. I mean, hey, it's
only at night, right?

And...

I mean, she's gonna sleep most of the time
with those pills the doctor gave her.

Right?

Look, I know my mom can be
a little challenging.

So if you have any
problems, just call me.

I'm on the first flight back,
I promise.

Okay.

Well, hurry home.

And who knows?
By the time I get back,

maybe you two will be best friends.

Oh, am I interrupting
something?

Uh, no, Mom, come in.

The caterer called.

He still thinks
I'm doing the wedding.

He sent over a sample plate
'cause I gave him the colors you wanted.

I said absolutely no peach.

And from now on, everything
goes through my new daughter.

Thank you.

Yeah?

Okay, I'll be
right down, thanks.

Oh, here. Look.

Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.

- Thank you.
- Oh, I'm glad you like it.

My car's here. Gotta go.

- Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.
- Okay.

Oh, bye, sweetie.

Oh, it's gonna be fun.

- We're gonna have such a good time.
- Okay.

- I'll be a good roommate. I promise.
- Okay.

It's so nice
to have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Viola?

Are you all right?

I can't sleep.

I feel so alone.

I do.

You're not alone.
I'm here.

Did you take
your pills?

My pills?

Oh no, I forgot.

Could you get them
for me, sweetie?

They're on the sink.

Sure.

Okay.

Here they are.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, I don't have any water.
Could you get me some water please?

Okay.

Oh, I can't drink out
of the tap.

Would you get me some Evian
with ice?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

You have a good night,
okay?

Charlotte?

I hate to ask you this,

but it's my first night here.

Could you stay with me?

Please?

Sleep with me.
Be a good girl.

Huh? No no no!

Don't!

God!

Viola!

- Are you okay?
- No, let go of me, you!

No.

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

Hi, how was your day?

It was... okay.

Wonderful!

You're cooking.

I wanted to make you
dinner all by myself.

Sit.

Okay.

It's steak
and kidney pie.

Actually, the steak didn't defrost
in time so it's mostly kidney.

Mmm!

Do you like it?

Mm-hm!

I made a decision today.

I called my lawyer
and I asked him to redo my will.

I wanna include
my new daughter.

Really, Viola,
that's not necessary.

Oh, don't be silly.
I want to.

Of course they have all these
stupid questions that they wanna ask.

You know, like, "Are you
currently an illegal alien?"

Oh, uh...

No.

Oh, that's interesting.
Okay.

Um, are there any hereditary illnesses
in your family?

You know, the kind that could be
passed on to grandchildren?

Uh, no.

No.

How many men have you been
sexually active with?

What?

Why would they wanna know that?

That many, huh?

Would you be willing to sign
a prenuptial agreement?

Excuse me?

I know.

They're such nosy bastards.
It's none of their business.

Let's just deal with this later.

No, why don't we deal
with it right now?

I'll tell you what,

I'll clean up the kitchen and you
continue enjoying your dinner.

No no no.

You did all the cooking.
I'll clean up.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I am kind of tired.

Thanks.

Well, I'll just
go up to bed then.

I had kind of a difficult
night last night.

You had (a difficult night?)

He's skidding
out of control.

This bus is out of control.

Somebody there?

Tina.

Tina.

Who the hell is that?

Oh.

What?

Oh my God.

I thought you were sleeping.

Well, I couldn't sleep.

Hmm? What do you think
of my outfit?

This is a ceremonial robe
given to me by Chairman Mao.

These go with the robe.

This was a birthday gift
from the Dalai Lama,

who never forgot my birthday.

Of course now
he doesn't care anymore.

- Do you mind if I sit with you?
- No.

Just for a little while.

Okay.

Why's she running?

Well, someone's
chasing her.

Why is he chasing her?

I'm not sure.

Well, who is he?

Well...

I don't know.
We have to watch.

You have to stop talking.

Mm.

Don't you hate
what she's wearing?

I mean,

running out there with bare feet,
and

what is that, a pajama top?
It's so unrealistic.

I once did a whole segment
on nighttime television.

You would not believe

how much the demographics
influence the networks.

I mean it's just ridiculous.
All they care about is the bottom line.

Oh, it's so nice just to sit
with family and do nothing, huh?

Don't even need to talk.
It's wonderful.

I miss so much
being a working mom.

I used to bring Kevin,
though, to the set.

That's where he met
Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.

Is there anybody famous
in this movie?

Because I don't know
any of them.

And they all look the same.

All the girls have the same body,
all the boys have the same hair.

I wonder why there're so many beautiful people
who live in Los Angeles?

I think all the beautiful genes
ended up in California.

Why is he kissing her?

It's beyond me.

I'm sorry. I thought
it was air freshener.

Charlie?

Dr. Batel's office.

Miss Reynolds?

Hi.

Yeah.

Nope.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, God. I...

I'm sorry. You know what?
That's probably my fault.

I...

I mean,
I never thought she'd...

I mean, she's a little
eccentric, you know?

I'm sorry.

Well, It doesn't matter.

I don't want to talk about your mom
tonight. I want to talk about us.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

Especially now
when I'm in the tub...

naked and wet...

and naked.

Really?

Well, do you know what I'd do
to you if I was there?

What?

Well, for starters...

Charlie!

- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.
- Hello?

- I wanted to return your shampoo.
- Your mom just walked in.

You know, you really should use a shampoo
that doesn't dry your hair so much.

We don't want a bride
with straw under her veil.

- Oh, is that Kevin?
- Yeah, it is.

Oh, honey, your mom
wants to talk to you.

Sweetie, hi.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, honey, I can't thank
you both enough.

Of course.

I'm having the
most wonderful time.

How's Charlie?

Oh, she's been a doll.

We've been girlfriends
all week.

Great.

I'm gonna be sad to go home.

You do?

Well, you never know what the future's
gonna bring, right?

I mean, I do love
this neighborhood.

In fact, you know,
two doors down,

there's this house for sale.

It's got two big bay windows

and a great rose garden.

You know how
I love rose gardens.

And you know, basically,
it's got my name all over it.

I'm having my...

real estate guy
look into it.

She's buying a house here?

Two doors away.

"Lovely property.
Beautiful bay windows."

It's bullshit!

She doesn't even like
this neighborhood.

Oh God, I'm so exhausted.

She's driving me insane!

I can't do this.

Yes, you can!

Stop being
such a big baby.

Kevin is the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Charlie, do not
give up on this one.

(It) seems Mommy Dearest has been keeping
a very close eye on you, sweetie.

What are you talking about?
What are you doing in her clothes?

I was just upstairs in her room
minding my own business.

And I found all of this
in her closet.

She's been investigating you.

Whoa.

Why does she have
your high school transcripts?

I know.

There's a picture of me
at the beach?!

- Oh my God, I can not believe that.
- Yes, it is.

There's another picture
of you in here.

And it's...

Look, look at that.
It's like a closeup.

- But you have to be close to take that, right?
- Oh, my God!

Look at all this Gucci!

It's just
Gucci Gucci Gucci!

Oh, she has skin caviar.
This stuff sells for $400 a jar.

I've heard of that.
I want a try.

Here.

- Mm.
- Doesn't that smell good?

Ooh, hello.

What are these?

Those are
just her anti-anxiety pills.

Ooh, these are good.

Really?

They'd knock out a horse.
I have these at home.

You do?

Wait.

Well, I don't know what these are.
But they're definitely not what I take.

These...

They smell like oranges.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Let me see.

Hi, Andy.

It's Charlie.

Yeah. No, I'm not working
for Dr. Batel's office this week.

But I had a question.

Yeah, about some pills.

Can I stop by?

Charlie, I'm having
a bit of a bad day,

so Ruby's gonna take me
to see Dr. Chamberlain.

Okay!

You take care!

Let's see
what you're up to.

- There you go.
- Well, thank you. Thank you so much.

- And thank you.
- Wear that, sister.

Okay, now Cartier's one right down.

Where's Niketown?

What?

Niketown.

Niketown?

Bad day, my ass.

Wait a minute.

Dr. Chamberlain?

All right.

Hello?

Hey, Andy.

Yeah. What are they?

Chewable vitamin Cs, huh?

Okay, thanks.

I know. I can't believe
the wedding's only a week away.

No, we do the final
walk-through on Monday.

Oh!

Wait a minute. I think
I hear her car.

Drop my stuff
at my house, okay?

All right.
Look crazy.

Ouh!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Oh, I had to bring him
home with me today.

He's harmless.

Sit.

No!

No. No.

No, Zorro! Sit!

Ugh!

Is that expensive?

It was.

Sorry!

Oh!

Charlie!

Bonus.

Good boy.

Come on.

Come on.

Mmm.

Hello, old friend.

Viola!

You can't mix alcohol
with your pills!

I'm a little upset

as you can imagine.

Well, I know that
and I'm sorry,

but your doctor said

if you're feeling upset,

then you should take
your pills, not alcohol.

So you relax.
I'll get them.

Shit.

Here we go.

This'll make you feel better.

Drink up.

Now I hope you like
what I made.

It's one of my mother's
specialties.

What's that?

Tripe.

It's a delicacy.

Try it.

It's like nothing
you've ever tasted.

Trust me.

So Kevin called.

He's coming home tomorrow.
I can't wait.

I'm so excited.
I miss him so much.

I was thinking maybe the three of us
could go to lunch tomorrow.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's
a great idea too.

I'll make reservations.

It'll be so much fun.

Don't you just love
being girlfriends?

Night-night,
sleep tight.

And good morning
to you too.

Ruby, is that you?

In here!

Oh my God.
Is she all right?

I thought she went
to bed.

I don't know.

I haven't seen her like this
since "The View" won an Emmy.

I wish I could stay and help

but I have to go
pick up Kevin at the airport.

What?

I underestimated you.

You don't need a gun.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Mm-hm.

Last call!

We'll see you
tomorrow night.

Uh, there's a reservation
under Fields, Kevin.

Yes, right this way.

I'm so glad my mom and you
had a great week.

We did. I learned
a lot about her.

So who's
the mystery guest?

Oh, surprise!

I thought your office
said we were having lunch alone.

Well, I hope you guys
forgive me. I just...

I wanted to talk
to you and Kevin together.

So how are you, Mom?

Fine.

Although I did have
a rather difficult night.

Ooh, it was probably
that martini you had.

Mom, you're not supposed to drink alcohol
with those pills you're taking.

You know, the truth is

I owe you an apology.

You know, I was so insensitive
to your feelings

about wanting to help
with the wedding.

Oh,

it's ancient history.

A young bride doesn't want to hear
the opinions of an old widow.

No no,
that is not true.

I mean, you're gonna be my mom soon.

And a grandma shortly
after, hopefully.

And I want you to know
that I will do anything it takes

to make this relationship work.

That said...

will you be my maid...

I mean, my matron of honor?

Charlie, that's...

that's amazing.

- Mom, what do you say?
- But, uh...

Morgan is gonna be
your maid of honor.

Oh no, she has graciously
relinquished her title to you.

And I had this
specially made up.

A dress in your
favorite color, peach.

Come on, open it.

Well, that's...

Char... ah.

I don't think I can.

Mom, I think
it's a great idea.

Well, I just don't think
I'm up to it.

I really don't. I've got
to talk to my doctor.

Oh, I called him.

Yeah!

And he said he thought
it was a great idea.

You called my psychiatrist?

Mm-hmm.

In fact, we had lunch
at The lvy.

Well, anyway,

he said, considering, you know,
this turning point in your life,

you know, losing so much
so suddenly,

that being involved in the future

would be the best therapy
in the world for you right now.

Careful. You know
those are strong.

You know, we...

are your future.

And we want you
to be part of it.

So...

I can have a list of duties
for you tomorrow.

No.

Mom... no, Mom.

Mom, don't cry.

Here.

Charlie.

I didn't think
I would be this emotional.

Mom, here.
Can I?

Thank you, baby.
I love you.

- I love you too.
- I love you too!

I love you too, Mom.

Kevin, you know what?

Why don't you give your mom and I
a moment alone?

Yes, of course.

Just so you know,
the crying bits are getting old.

Just so you know,
Kevin likes his girls thin.

Oh! Well,
I could always get liposuction.

I've been meaning to ask.
Is it painful?

That maid of honor bit.

Priceless!

Well, you know what they say?

Keep your friends close,
keep your enemies closer.

Oh!

Now you listen to me.

This is my game now.

You are going to tell Kevin that you
are not moving into our neighborhood,

and that you've decided
that you're feeling like it's time

that you go on with your own life!

You're moving out
of our house immediately.

This is over!

This isn't over,
not even close, girlie!

Well, bring it on,
Grandma.

That little bitch!

Let's go someplace near
the ocean and drink lunch.

What?

You know exactly what.

Move!

Move! Move!

What's wrong with you?

I am sick.

I am sick sick
sick of your shit.

And I when I'm not sick,
I'm tired.

I am sick and tired.

What are you saying?

Damn you
and your luggage!

Ruby, you're not gonna leave me too,
are you?

Oh, I'm leaving you.

You old slut!

Ruby!

Ruby, please...

Hey, you almost
forgot your dress!

You'll have nothing
to wear to the wedding.

See you, Ruby!

Maybe we can get you
a matching bonnet.

See you
at the rehearsal dinner!

Motherf...!

So, how's the bride-to-be
holding up?

Ooh, under the circumstances
I'd say mediocre.

But she's tough.

Not as tough
as the old bird.

What does that mean?

For your own safety,

make sure you know where
the emergency exits are at all times.

Hey, are you
and my mom okay?

Great. Yeah, I just have a little
of the pre-wedding nerves,

but everything's
under control.

Of course.

Hello, everyone!

Welcome
to the rehearsal dinner.

My God, she looks amazing.

I know.

Oh!

Father Tyson.

Hello, Blaire.

Hello.

Kit, how are you?

Hello.

- Oh, you are Morgan.
- Yes.

I have heard so much about your delicious
catering service.

Oh! Oh, wow!

I have a lot of friends.
You're gonna be a busy girl.

And you're Remy.

Yeah.

Oh, I recognize you from all the wonderful
things Charlie's told me about you.

Wow.

Well, Ms. Fields,
I have to say...

Oh, call me Viola.
Please, I insist.

Viola.

All right, I'm gonna
go get a drink.

Okay.

I am such a huge fan.

Oh, you sweet...

Oh, l...

Well, mi casa, su casa.
Make yourself at home.

Oh.

Thank you.

Bye, Viola.

- Goodbye.
- I like her a lot. Hi.

- Hey!
- Hi!

You guys have a nice
little chit-chat?

Oh my God. She came over
and started talking to us.

What did you want us to do?
Ignore her?

Yes!

So then getting her autograph
would be completely out of the question?

- Was that yes? 'Cause... okay.
- No.

So there I was sitting next
to the Sultan of Brunei

with Maureen Dowd,
Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.

You know the story, Kevin.
And...

I said to Snoop, "Snoop,
I think your lyrics

are sometimes a little sexist
and unfair to women."

And the Sultan of Brunei said,
"Really? I have 114 wives

and they're all
huge fans of the Dogg!"

Honey, would you see
who's at the door?

Sure.

These are delicious, Viola.

Oh, Kit,
I'm glad you like it.

Mm, yeah.

Look who's here.
It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Oh my God!

It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Hi! Everybody,
it's Dr. Chamberlain!

Hi. Good evening.

Thanks so much
for inviting me.

Oh, shit!

That's Dr. Chamberlain.

Viola's doctor.

Oh, we're gonna need
another place setting.

Oh, please,
let me get that.

And there's a chair
in the living room.

Sure.

Well, scootch down, you guys.

Come on, make room.

Remi, you guys move down.

Cheers. Thank you.

Who's he?

It's Viola's therapist.

Move down, you guys!

Here's you chair, Doctor.

Here. Have mine, too.

Hello.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'll get it.

So you just got here?

You expecting anyone else?

Mm-hmm.

Hello, everybody!

Fiona!

I'm so glad to see you.

I just couldn't resist bringing
the happy couple a little gift.

That's great. I will
get you a place setting.

She's bringing a gift?

I think she is the gift.

What the hell's she doing here?

Hey, how about some
more wine, everyone?

Yeah!

How much longer do
we have to stay?

I have midterms tomorrow.

Oh, I get it.

No, baby, not now, okay?

It's not the time.

So, Dr. Chamberlain,

tell us about med school.
Where did you do your residency?

Uh, now that's...

That's a long story.

I don't think your guests
want to hear that.

No, we really wanna know.

I think we need
some more gravy.

What is going on?

What are you doing?

I'm behaving.

Viola, no!

You can't!

Charlie's allergic to nuts!

Give it to me!

Viola, you're crazy.

Oh, get up.

Put the gravy down
or I'm telling Kevin.

Yeah!

What's the big deal?

So her face swells up...

swells up a little.
So what?

Swells up a little?

Her face'll blow up like
a Macy's Day balloon.

Well, good. It'll match
the other body parts!

Viola, think about
what you're doing.

Come on, the girl's
getting married tomorrow!

Ruby, when did you
lose your edge?

Right after
you lost your mind.

Come on.

All right. Okay.
No nuts.

Come on.

Viola, I think you
dislocated my vagina.

Where's the...

Where's the what?

Gravy? More gravy?

Anyone for more gravy?

Oh, I am not
doing time for you!

Where's the back door?

Stay cool, Ruby!

Stay cool!

This is no time to
lose your nerve.

Oh, if we get arrested
I'm gonna sing like a canary.

Maybe she won't
take any gravy.

That's a lot of gravy.

Mmm!

This gravy's delicious!

You... you gotta go
stop her!

Come on, stop her.
Go stop her.

No, you go, you go.

Why me?
You're the culprit? You go!

You're my assistant.

What am I supposed to do?

Go out there and stick my finger
down her throat?

Yeah.

Baby, you okay?

Kevin, my tongue
feels weird.

I think
something's wrong!

Charlie, are you okay?

What are we gonna do now?

Hide the damn nuts!

Are you all right?

Get her some water.

Flat or sparkling?

The caterer says he doesn't know how
this could have happened.

Well, I feel like I ate
a loaf of nuts.

I mean, even my tongue
is swollen.

You're marrying a big, fat,
puffy tomato mouth.

It's not that bad, really. Besides,
the swelling's already going down.

- Yeah?
- Hey, Kev.

Yeah.

Just coming to
check up on the bride-to-be.

For the love of God...

Out!

You see?

I told you it looks terrible.

I told you.

Baby, I promise you.

In 24 hours the swelling
will be completely gone.

Give me that!

The door was open.

Oh thank God.

The bride of Frankenstein is gone.

I know.

I was up half
the night worrying.

I know.

You look great.

I just don't know how
those nuts got in there.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Wait.

Do you think
she would...

No!

Come on.

I mean, she's crazy,

but she's not like,
psycho-killer crazy.

Hmm.

No!

Oh, hey, I was wondering.
Could I bring a date

to your wedding?

Of course.

My God. How exciting.

Great. Thanks.
So then, I'll see you later.

Wait!

Who is he? Tell me!

Oh, it's...

Um, okay, don't be mad.

It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Actually "Paul."

Is that his real name?

That's very funny.

I gotta go get a mani, pedi
and get my eyebrows waxed.

But I'll see you in
a couple of hours, okay?

Oh, let me go down with you.

Okay.

Ugh, God!

She added
even more ruffles!

Where's your prom date,
señorita?

Oh, wait a minute.
This is too damn good.

Where's my camera?
This is just too good.

Will you just get me
out of this right now?

Come here.

Cheers.

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Okay, guys, let's go see
how Charlie's doing.

Ah, yes, please.

Uh-huh.

Oh my God.

Those are so much better than mine.

Don't... touch me!

I got out of that car
the same way I got in it

without you.

Now where is she?

You here with the bride
or the groom?

I'm here with my mother.

Oh.

She looked a lot older. I...

Well, look
what we have here.

Oh my God.

You look beautiful.
Oh my God.

Oh my God.

This is it!

Yeah!

Oh God, did you talk to the priest?

I talked to him.

He's just gonna skip right over that whole
"if anyone should object" part.

Okay.

You're a vision in white,
sweetie, really.

Knock knock.

Look at you!

And so is your
mother-in-law.

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

All right.
Everybody out.

Out.
Give the bride a moment.

No way.

What?

What is that?

What?

Where's your
bridesmaid's dress?

Oh, I gave it
to Ruby's daughter.

She works at Hooters.
She was thrilled.

I don't have a daughter.

Oh.

Rude.

Take off that white dress right now

or I'll take it off for you.

Don't you tell me
what to do!

You did not
just poke me!

Don't you touch me,
you two-bit tramp!

Oh my God!

Viola, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...

You don't go and slap somebody
then apologize.

Get some backbone!

God! This is crazy!

Why don't you just
face it?

I'm marrying Kevin today and there's
nothing you can do about it.

You face it!

You'll never be good
enough for him!

Didn't stop you
from marrying my son.

Oh God, no.

Well, look at you.

All in white.

You are so predictable.

Oh, Gertrude.

I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't?

Wonder why.

Oh, I know.

You didn't send me
an invitation!

I thought you were dead.

But evil doesn't die
so easily.

I heard you got sacked
and thrown into a loony bin.

Oh!

My congratulations.

Oh.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

These hors d'oeuvres
taste like old socks.

Now, I wanna get an
up-close look at the bride.

Holy Toledo!

You are a stunner!

My grandson
is a lucky fella.

Look, what he did.

He went out and found
himself an exotic Latina!

Would that my son
had been that lucky.

Here we go again.

What?

You were a television weatherwoman
in Dubuque, Montana.

You drove around
in your broken-down minivan

and you drank red wine
from a box!

Classy.

You killed him,
you know?

What?!

You killed him.

All the doctors agreed,

my son died
of terminal disappointment!

If anybody killed him,
you did.

You smothered him
to death!

Nobody was ever
good enough for him!

My God, you look old!

Fine.

This woman's gonna drive me insane.

Now, I'd rather not
take all the credit.

You'll get over it.

Okay, I love you.

You're kidding.

This is never gonna end, is it?

I mean, that's gonna be
me and you in 30 years.

We'll be doing
the exact same thing.

You know what?

I wanted to marry Kevin
because we make each other happy.

But you're never gonna
let that happen.

Are you?

Oh my God.
I can't believe I'm saying this.

You win, Viola.

What do you mean?

The wedding's off.

Bye, Ruby.

I cannot believe
she compared me to Gertrude.

I know.

Now that's just wrong.

Thank you.

You are far worse.

Yeah.

I don't recall Gertrude
ever trying to poison you.

And I'm pretty sure
she wore black to your wedding.

Black.

Yeah, she said she was in mourning.

Mm-hmm.

I just want my son
to be happy.

Whatever made you
think he wasn't?

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Don't you know it's
bad luck to see the...

Charlie, what's wrong?

What is it?

Are you nervous?

Hey.

Kevin, I need...

Charlie,

I need to talk to you.

Viola, stop it!

Uh, it's the flower girls.

They're drunk again.

What?

Yeah, in the toilet.

Not now, Viola, okay?

It's really important.

Mom, just give us a minute.
She'll be right there.

Please?

Charlie, what is it?

I'll be right back.

What do you want, Viola?

I don't want you
to walk out on this wedding.

You don't?

No, I don't.

What, am I supposed to believe
that you've had some epiphany?

That all of the sudden,
everything's gonna be different?

It's never been
about you, Charlie.

It's me.

I've been so afraid
of losing him.

He's the only family
I've got.

This is my chance
for a family, too.

And I'm scared.

Oh!

Don't blow your chance
for happiness.

You've never needed
my approval.

He's loved you
from the very beginning.

And I promise I will
get out of the way

and let the two of you
be happy.

That's not what I want.

I mean, there just has
to be some boundaries, Viola.

I can do boundaries!

I don't love boundaries
but I can do them.

All right.

How about the number of times
you call Kevin every day?

Can we limit that to, like, one?

Oh, I need at least
four minimum.

He's 35 years old.

Three?

Two.

Deal.

Two long-ass calls!

When Kevin and I have kids,

he and I will decide
how they're raised.

All right.

But you know I have raised
one wonderful boy.

- And my advice could be very...
- Will be solicited when needed.

All right, as long as one kid
is named after me.

Middle name.

Deal.

What else?

Holidays
and special occasions.

Are you gonna keep
me away?

You must be present
for every Christmas,

Thanksgiving,

birthday,

school play,

clarinet recital

and soccer game
in our kids' lives.

I want you to love them
and spoil them

and teach 'em things
that Kevin and I can't.

Like how to throw
a right hook for example.

I want you there, Viola.

I do, up front and center.

On this point
I will not negotiate.

Damn. That girl can give
a nice little speech.

Deal?

Oh...

can they call me "Aunt Viola"
instead of "Grandma"?

Fine.

Come on, unzip me.

Viola, you don't
have to wear that dress, really.

Yes, I do. Really.

Kevin and Charlie!

Yeah!

Mom!

Do you really think I'd leave without
saying goodbye?

I love you, Mom.

Thanks for everything.

Go.

Okay, everybody gather around
the back of the car!

Charlie!

Charlie, right here!

Right here, Charlie!

Shit.

Oh, Hawaii! I cannot wait!

I know. I can't either.

Have a great
time in Hawaii!

Good luck!

Have fun in Hawaii!

Just you and me
now, Ruby!

Jesus. Who'd I kill
in a past life?

And take off
that damn dress.

You look like
a giant peach cobbler.

You're making me hungry.

Come on, weathergirl,
I'll buy you a box of wine.