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1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,090
[dreamy music plays]
2
00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:11,054
Daddy's home!
3
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,883
Another mission, uh, survived.
4
00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:15,493
Oh, Stan!
5
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:18,018
It's always such a relief
to have you back --
6
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:20,933
Ew!
You're soaked in sweat!
7
00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:24,111
Where was your mission, inside
a giant pair of ski boots?
8
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,983
We relocated a family for
the witness protection program,
9
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,203
and part of that is actually
helping the people move.
10
00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:31,118
Dick made fun of me
for wearing a back brace
11
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:32,858
then threw his own back out
trying to show off.
12
00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:34,469
It was awesome.
13
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:37,167
I had to move two pool tables
by myself, but totally worth it.
14
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:40,562
Witness protection?!
How exciting!
15
00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:43,521
How did the people end up there?
Did they see someone get iced?
16
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,001
Sorry.
Those are state secrets.
17
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,655
Which is unfortunate for you
18
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:49,353
'cause this town's crawlin'
with fascinating witnesses!
19
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:52,487
But I'm a vault, baby!
These secrets die with me.
20
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:54,184
Unless I die after 2035.
21
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,012
That's when they become
public domain.
22
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,276
Attention, please.
I have an announcement.
23
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,410
I found my first gray hair.
24
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:05,326
And I couldn't be happier!
25
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:08,503
I'd always hoped to go full gray
by the end of high school,
26
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:12,724
and this is the first step
towards that silver-fox dream!
27
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,639
Like Jamie Lee Curtis!
28
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,293
This is great news!
29
00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:19,122
My boy is ready
for a man's barber shop.
30
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,429
You can finally come
to Bushwhackers!
31
00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:24,040
The haircuts are whatever,
but the vibe's incredible.
32
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,434
We sit around for hours
just choppin' it up.
33
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,914
- Chopping what up?
- You know, "choppin' it up."
34
00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,133
Gabbin', shootin' the shit,
35
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,613
smokin' and jokin'
without the smokin'.
36
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,658
Chit-chat on steroids.
You're gonna love it.
37
00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:35,530
Let's go!
38
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,228
Also, babe,
on my walk this morning,
39
00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:40,665
I made contact
with a really big dog
40
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:43,015
and I finally found
my dinosaur book and --
41
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,887
- Jeff! What's up?
- Not much.
42
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:46,410
No.
Why are you telling me
43
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,499
about every little thing
in your life?
44
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,936
I am trying to read
Cinnabon's privacy policy.
45
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,200
Well, my memory's so bad
that I know
46
00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:55,637
if I don't tell you
everything right away,
47
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,335
the important stuff
will slip through the cracks.
48
00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:00,468
How about this --
instead of telling me
49
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,383
everything as it happens,
50
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:03,819
write it all down
in this notebook.
51
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,299
Oh, I get it!
52
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,388
And then I can go through it
53
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:09,259
and share the most important
parts with you
54
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:10,782
No!
55
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:15,526
[patriotic music plays]
56
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,355
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
57
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:22,185
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
58
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:25,449
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face♪
59
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:29,540
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race♪
60
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:35,024
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪
61
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,895
- ♪ Good --♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
62
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,288
Aah!
63
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:42,901
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
64
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,165
♪
65
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,123
You ever see the show Cheers?
66
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,299
I'm kinda the Sam Malone
around here.
67
00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,562
You have to be Kirstie Alley.
Everyone else is taken.
68
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,216
Oh! No, I knew
you were gonna say that!
69
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,349
- Oh, you...
- That's Tony. He's great.
70
00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:57,307
He has a bunch of brothers
who refuse to talk to him,
71
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:58,917
and he won't tell us why.
72
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:01,398
It was a soul-stirring episode.
73
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:04,053
No, no, no, no, no!
No Masked Singer talk.
74
00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:06,273
I wasn't able to watch
last night 'cause I...
75
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:07,926
was on...a date!
76
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,624
- Ooh!
- Ha ha ha!
77
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,843
So, where'd you take
Tuttle's mom?
78
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,497
[laughter]
79
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,283
Yeah! Where'd you
take my mom, Tony?
80
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,285
My mom missed
my ninth birthday party
81
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,939
'cause of a vicious
yeast infection.
82
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:25,292
Uh... I'm, uh, sorry
to hear that, Stan.
83
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:27,032
Tony, this is my son, Steve.
84
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,121
He just got his first gray hair.
85
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:31,254
I remember my first gray hair...
86
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:33,822
but it wasn't on my head.
87
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,258
[laughter]
88
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,825
Hey, Steve, pretty soon
89
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:39,262
the whole town's gonna know
about your gray hair.
90
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,916
Raymont here's
a real blabbermouth.
91
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,135
Ha ha! It's true!
92
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,660
That's why I became
a news director.
93
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:48,097
Lewis was talking about
his PEEEE-NISSSSS!
94
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,928
- So, my date last night.
- [clippers buzzing]
95
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:55,278
You'll never guess
who it was with.
96
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,324
Dracula!
Dracula's a funny guess!
97
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,587
Oh, uh, n-no, uh...
98
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:02,198
Guys, it was Tanya from the
nail salon across the street.
99
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,721
- He-yo!
- Va-va-va voom!
100
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,114
[as Dracula]
Suck your blood!
101
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:08,248
Hey, Tony, want to see
a picture of a rose?
102
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:11,642
It's got the reddest petals,
like red on steroids!
103
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:14,776
Uh, I should, uh, probably
focus on the kid's hair.
104
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,647
[clippers buzzing]
105
00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:19,955
So, uh...h-how'd the date go?
106
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:21,826
Yeah.
Did ya get lucky?
107
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:25,439
Actually, boys,
I did get lucky...
108
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:28,659
'cause I forgot my wallet
and she had to pay!
109
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:31,140
- [laughter]
- Classic Tony!
110
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:33,055
Save that money, bitch!
111
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,448
[as Dracula]
Who wants to hear more
112
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:37,451
about my mother's
yeast infection?
113
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:41,542
♪
114
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:43,892
Another great trip
to the barber shop.
115
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,937
Damn.
I was on "fi-ah" today.
116
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:49,071
"Steve got his hairs cut.
117
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:52,988
Mr. S got caught on fire.
118
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:57,340
Mrs. S is watching pornography
on the living-room TV."
119
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,037
[clicks tongue]
120
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:01,562
Must have been cool seeing
your dad in his element, huh?
121
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,216
I-It was --
It was fine, I guess.
122
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:07,437
You guess? Come on! Tell your
mother how awesome I was.
123
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,221
- I can't.
- Sure, you can!
124
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,615
It's not braggin' if you're
talking about somebody else.
125
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:15,358
[sighs] Dad, you were
completely out of sync.
126
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:16,794
Every time you spoke,
127
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,362
the conversation came
to a screeching halt.
128
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,712
No! I-I'm good
at chopping it up.
129
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,279
I'm Sam from Cheers!
130
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,150
No chance.
You're...
131
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:27,414
Gosh, I can't even give you
the quiet guy with glasses
132
00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:29,546
who pops up like
every 10 episodes.
133
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:33,028
You're so out of place,
it'd be like if a character
134
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,944
from a completely different show
came in the bar --
135
00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:37,859
maybe Gargamel from The Smurfs?
136
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,469
And I feel like
that's even generous.
137
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:42,254
Nope. Unh-unh. We are going
back to Bushwhackers.
138
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,256
I'm gonna show you
how wrong you are!
139
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,651
- WOMAN ON TV: Ooh!
- Hmm.
140
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:52,090
I think Doctor Throbber's wiener
may have never been broken.
141
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,876
[dreamy music plays]
142
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,834
Well, I'm on your side, Brian.
143
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,446
It sounds like
vengeance was necessary.
144
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:01,752
The kid's neck is ready
for another shave, Tony.
145
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,232
Okay, what are we talking about?
146
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,016
I was just explaining
to the fellas
147
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:07,758
why the Coast Guard keeps
coming around looking for me.
148
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:10,413
Coast Guard, coast is clear,
Clear Channel, English Channel.
149
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,241
[British accent]
Go, Bazooka Sharks, guv'na!
150
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:16,201
STAN: Hmm. Not exactly
a standing ovation.
151
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,726
But that's okay.
Let's go with a classic.
152
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,990
Hey, have I ever shown you guys
this amazing picture of a rose?!
153
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:24,775
STEVE:
Gargamel...
154
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,560
Gargamel...
155
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,431
- Gargamel...
- [snickering]
156
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,346
STAN:
Am I bad at chopping it up?
157
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,262
So I told him,
"For a perfect ham sandwich,
158
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:37,179
the secret is...
uncooked black beans."
159
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,094
Secrets?!
You want secrets?!
160
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,183
Well, Tuttle's in
the witness protection program
161
00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:42,402
'cause he saw
a bunch of murders!
162
00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,447
Stan!
How could you?!
163
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:47,668
Stan, if that's true, you
basically just killed Tuttle.
164
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,627
H-Hey, we're -- we're just guys
chopping it up, right?
165
00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:52,542
What happens at Bushwhackers
s-stays at Bushwhack--
166
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,196
Gotta go!
167
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:56,416
[news sting plays]
168
00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:58,461
I'm receiving breaking news
from my boss
169
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,637
with another
Chop From the Barber Shop.
170
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:02,596
Langley Falls' own Al Tuttle
171
00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:04,815
is in the witness
protection program.
172
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:08,036
Is this station responsible for
the certain death of Al Tuttle?
173
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:11,474
We blame the person
who told us -- Stan Smith.
174
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:15,304
As always, our file photos
come from Pogofest 2017.
175
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:19,569
[dreamy music plays]
176
00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:21,179
[Jeff sobbing loudly]
177
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:26,228
I can't believe he's dead.
178
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:28,448
Goes to show,
you can go at any moment,
179
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,624
no matter
how perfect your body is.
180
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,843
If I'm God,
I'd want that back, too.
181
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,454
This is tragic!
182
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:37,631
I was about to get Tuttle
to lend me 16 bucks.
183
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,329
- I needed that 16!
- Why?
184
00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:41,678
I'm getting sued
for renting someone
185
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:43,245
an apartment I don't own.
186
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:45,508
It costs 16 bucks to park
at the courthouse,
187
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:48,511
where I will tell that person
to go [bleep] himself.
188
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:52,515
[feinting sobs]
189
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:54,386
[hushed] You're doing great.
We'll be done here soon,
190
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,040
then we'll set you up
with a new identity.
191
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,042
- Thanks, Stan --
- Oh, God!
192
00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:00,392
I just miss you so much, buddy!
193
00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:04,832
So sad!
So unsuspicious!
194
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:08,009
Today we lay to rest Al Tuttle.
195
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,793
Tuttle was recently outed
as a snitch
196
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,752
against multiple crime families.
197
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,231
[Italian-style music plays]
198
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,755
[slurping]
199
00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:16,844
[bones crack]
200
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,760
But even more recently,
he happened to die --
201
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,762
murdered by one of
the many prostitutes
202
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,851
- he had grown to trust.
- [fingers snap]
203
00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:26,767
But most importantly,
Tuttle is now very dead,
204
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,551
and anyone who came to town
looking to kill him
205
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:29,552
can head home.
206
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:31,293
God did the job for you.
207
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,469
I thought a prostitute
killed him?
208
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,863
Uh, the --
the prostitute's name was God.
209
00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:38,387
She was... Dutch, I believe.
210
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,302
No more questions.
This funeral's over.
211
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:43,392
♪
212
00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:44,785
Why all the long faces?
213
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:46,917
It's a beautiful day.
Let's chop it up.
214
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,745
Is there any difference
between heavy cream
215
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,530
and heavy whipping cream?
216
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:53,620
Yeah. They add a protein
that makes it easier to whip.
217
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,361
Oh. Uh, well...
218
00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:58,842
Tuttle's still alive!
We faked the whole thing!
219
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,236
♪
220
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:03,934
Well, shit. Up and at 'em.
Time for plan B.
221
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:05,327
I'm going, too?!
222
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,111
- [gunshot]
- STAN: Absolutely.
223
00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:08,678
Your dad's been off his game.
224
00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:11,246
I can't leave you thinking
that's how Big Stan operates.
225
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:14,379
Is this really a mission for
a 14-year-old to be going on?!
226
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:17,600
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was
talking to a gray-haired man.
227
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,820
Oh, my God!
228
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:22,910
Tuttle was dead,
and now he's back to life!
229
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:25,042
Well, if Tuttle's not dead...
230
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:27,131
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
231
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:30,874
MAN:
Gold medal! Team U.S.A.!
232
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,268
This isn't a dream!
This is really happening!
233
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,009
I know!
234
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,795
[dreamy music plays]
235
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,623
I think we lost 'em.
236
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,670
And if they do catch us,
at least I'll die with friends,
237
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,846
which I really never saw
for myself.
238
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,239
We're gonna be fine.
There's a safe house in Vermont.
239
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,546
We just have to get there,
notify the CIA,
240
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,853
and they'll swoop in and
reset everything for Tuttle.
241
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:54,855
I liked my old life.
242
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:57,858
Now I'm gonna be shipped off
to somewhere like Antarctica.
243
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,948
I mean, it'll be a nice excuse
to wear my new winter coat,
244
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:03,733
and there's gotta be
good access to fresh fish.
245
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:05,300
Can't be much traffic.
246
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:07,607
Okay! I'm actually
looking forward to it!
247
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:10,305
Mr. Tuttle, how'd you end up
in witness protection anyway?
248
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,568
Well, back in my 20s,
I lived in Chicago...
249
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,439
[harp strums]
250
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,094
...and I suffered from
horrible agoraphobia.
251
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,792
Didn't go outside for years.
252
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:24,536
And then one day I forced
myself to face my fears.
253
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:28,758
But as luck would have it,
Chicago was hosting Mob-Con,
254
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,673
and there were
a few families there
255
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,283
who didn't care for each other.
256
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,111
[squishing]
257
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:36,287
Courtesy of the Gambonis!
258
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,726
I saw a mob hit.
And then another.
259
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,424
Strike four!
Courtesy of the Gambinos!
260
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,339
[man gagging]
261
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:47,516
Courtesy of the Bingonis!
262
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:50,606
I had to testify
in a whole mess of trials.
263
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,869
So I was placed
in witness protection.
264
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,393
[harp strums]
265
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:58,092
But I choose to look at it
as a blessing.
266
00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:00,572
Otherwise, I never would have
ended up in Langley Falls
267
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:01,965
and met you guys!
268
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:04,881
Geez. Meeting us
is the blessing?
269
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:07,275
Ever wish you just let
the mob kill ya instead?
270
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:08,711
[both laugh]
271
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,844
Ah, sometimes I wonder
if they did
272
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,628
and this is actually hell!
273
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,021
[both laugh]
274
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:16,240
[gravelly voice]
The devil lives in hell!
275
00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:19,243
[speaking in tongues]
276
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:22,072
He, uh...sure does, Dad.
277
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:24,727
Damn. I'm really not good
at choppin' it up, am I?
278
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,250
Dad, forget it.
279
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:27,687
Let's just focus
on getting Tuttle to --
280
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,079
[brakes squeal]
281
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,690
Dad, why are you pulling over?
282
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,474
Because it's not my fault.
283
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,824
I'm with a nerdy kid
and a snitch loser.
284
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,783
I just need some new energy
in here.
285
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:40,395
Dad, considering
the circumstances,
286
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,745
we really shouldn't be
inviting strangers into the car!
287
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:45,008
I'm kinda with Steve
on this, Stan.
288
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,575
Can you two chill out?
289
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:48,751
I gotta get this chop-it-up
monkey off my back.
290
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,840
Ah, don't worry.
I'm harmless.
291
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,756
Except for one time when I was
passing through Chattanooga.
292
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,498
[chuckles] Well, ya --
ya can't blame anyone
293
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,934
for what they do in Chattanooga.
294
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,240
[both laugh]
295
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:00,807
A friend of mine from the gym
296
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,809
goes to Europe,
like, all the time.
297
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,770
And at that point,
it was do or die,
298
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:11,382
so I pushed that octopus
right in front of the train.
299
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,167
Can't blame anyone for what
they do in Chattanooga!
300
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,385
[panting]
301
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:16,387
Yeah, like the gentleman said --
302
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:19,651
Hitchhiker, I gotta say, you are
a dazzling conversationalist.
303
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:22,176
Well, when you're a career
hitchhiker, you have to be.
304
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:24,439
You rely on people
wanting you in the car.
305
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,006
If you wanna keep
the mileage going,
306
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,790
you gotta keep the convo going.
307
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,052
Did you just make that up?
308
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,967
- No.
- Wow!
309
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,448
Would you be willing...
to teach me?
310
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:36,451
Yes. If you allow me to take
my shoes and socks off.
311
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:37,539
Deal!
312
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:39,584
Good, 'cause I just
took 'em off.
313
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:41,499
And...you'll be able to tell.
314
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:44,459
[window whirring]
315
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,419
The sun is shining.
316
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,204
[crows cawing]
317
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:53,990
Two crows are fighting
over a dildo.
318
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,862
Babe's gonna love this.
319
00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,602
[stomach growls]
320
00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,344
With all this writing,
I forgot to eat lunch.
321
00:13:00,388 --> 00:13:02,172
Better grab a popsicle.
322
00:13:03,652 --> 00:13:05,959
Whoa! Two popsicles!
323
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,617
Wait.
I had been doing something,
324
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:15,838
something that was helping
with my memory.
325
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,405
What was it?
326
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,320
Whoa! Two popsicles!
327
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,540
Whoa! Two crows
fighting over a dildo!
328
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,760
Babe's gonna love this!
329
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,283
Hey, babe!
330
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,198
Whoa! Two popsicles!
331
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,113
[ominous music plays]
332
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:34,988
♪
333
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,207
[insects chirping]
334
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:39,166
Let's fire up
a test convo, Stan,
335
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:40,732
so I can see
what I'm working with.
336
00:13:40,776 --> 00:13:42,604
Tuttle, start us off, chief.
337
00:13:42,647 --> 00:13:45,650
O-kay, well, uh, I, for one,
338
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:48,871
am really enjoying
all the stars in the sky.
339
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,352
Yeah. Don't get this
in the big city.
340
00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:54,094
I saw a video on YouTube
of a rat dying!
341
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,747
Okay.
We'll pause there.
342
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:58,054
Let's start with a concept
called "Fit,"
343
00:13:58,098 --> 00:13:59,273
and that's gonna be
a three-pronger
344
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,840
for a guy like you, Stan.
345
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,190
One, does what I have to say fit
346
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,322
with the subject
of the conversation?
347
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,107
- At all?
- Interesting.
348
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:09,631
Steve, write all this down
for me, 'kay?
349
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:12,547
Two, does it fit with the tone?
350
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:16,246
Happy versus sad,
nice versus mean.
351
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:19,859
And, three, does it fit,
just, like, space-wise?
352
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,035
Because if someone else
is already talking,
353
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,601
the -- the answer is no.
354
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:24,951
Make sense?
355
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:29,564
Steve, go ahead and read
all that back to me.
356
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,001
Anyone can string words
together --
357
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:33,829
gravel, thunder, swimming pool.
358
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,918
Oh, yeah, that sounds nice!
359
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,486
No, Stan, that's actually
the opposite of what I'm saying.
360
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,358
90% of talking...is listening.
361
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,707
[crash, tires screech]
362
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:45,058
Aah! They found us!
363
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,060
That guy's
from the funeral, Dad!
364
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,670
Mangia this bullet, you snitch!
365
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:49,932
[horn blares]
366
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:55,720
That was too close, Dad!
W-We gotta be more careful!
367
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:57,287
You saw what happened
to that guy,
368
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,376
and you think
we should be more careful?
369
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:03,032
Here it is, the safe house.
370
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:09,386
Uh, Dad, why aren't you,
uh, getting out?
371
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:12,085
I think you and I both know
why I'm not getting out.
372
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:14,174
I've gotta keep driving around
with Hitchhiker.
373
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,785
I'm this close to
choppin' it up like a master.
374
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,004
- No, you're not.
- Shut up!
375
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,483
See? We're already
ribbin' each other.
376
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,876
- No, we're not.
- Damn you to hell!
377
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,183
You guys head in.
I'll be back in no time.
378
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,619
You see how close I am.
379
00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:27,622
Dad, don't go!
380
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:31,191
Well, Steve, I guess
that puts you in charge.
381
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:33,410
[wind whistling]
382
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,069
CYBORG #1:
Over there!
383
00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:44,030
[eerie music plays]
384
00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:46,989
CYBORG #2: Whoa.
385
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,686
- [beeping]
- What's this?
386
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:49,644
[rapid beeping]
387
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,999
Guys, I'm back!
388
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,697
The Hitchhiker told me he
couldn't teach me anything more
389
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:00,960
and then just walked
into the ocean.
390
00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:05,007
There you boneheads are!
391
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,966
Come on!
Let's chop it up!
392
00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:11,144
Pointing?
Okay. How about...
393
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,711
Nice point. You should be
a pencil for Halloween!
394
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,626
[laughter]
395
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,976
See?
These guys get it.
396
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,934
No.
We're laughin' at you.
397
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,197
Uhp.
Rude dude alert.
398
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,983
[dreamy music plays]
399
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,724
♪
400
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:29,292
How long after I left
did the mafia get here?
401
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,164
Like right away.
Maybe two minutes?
402
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,035
Okay. Good.
I don't have to feel bad
403
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,037
about stopping for dinner
with Hitchhiker.
404
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,908
Wouldn't have changed anything.
405
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,911
Our three families have
been warring for decades,
406
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:41,826
but looking for you, Tuttle,
407
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,046
has brought us together
peacefully!
408
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,744
So...does that mean
you're not gonna kill me?
409
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,529
Oh, no, we're
definitely killing you.
410
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:51,749
Please! You can't!
Is he perfect? No!
411
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,535
But he's a good guy, and I'll
feel responsible if he dies.
412
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,625
Nah, you won't feel anything.
You'll be dead, too.
413
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,322
Not taking care of witnesses
414
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,542
is kinda how we ended up
in this mess.
415
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:04,371
Plus, this way, each family
gets to kill one person,
416
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:07,200
which'll keep things fair
in our uneasy alliance.
417
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:10,203
Just give us a minute
to decide who kills who.
418
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,422
I'm sorry chopping it up
brought us to this.
419
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:14,555
- It happens!
- It's just...
420
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,731
I'm your hero in every
other aspect of life.
421
00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:18,037
You are?
422
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,517
I couldn't handle even
one teeny, tiny area
423
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:23,303
where you didn't look at me
as an absolute god.
424
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,522
But fortunately
no one has to die,
425
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:28,090
because Big Stan has a plan.
426
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,613
What you've both forgotten
is that
427
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,615
I'm a master
of chopping it up now.
428
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:32,790
[sighs]
429
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,531
I'm gonna go chat
with the mafia guys,
430
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,055
and when they're
completely engrossed,
431
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,187
you two slip out the back
and call the police.
432
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,102
All that's gonna do
is get you shot first!
433
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,887
Stan.
You got this.
434
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,933
Thanks, Tuttle.
435
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,327
All right. [inhales sharply]
Game time, bitches.
436
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,764
[mafiosos whispering]
437
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:51,113
- [gun cocks]
- Can I do this guy?
438
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,375
[whimpers]
439
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:56,031
Uh, you guys wanna see
a picture of a rose?
440
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,599
Sure.
We'll check it out.
441
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:01,906
- Oh, it's beautiful!
- Soooo red!
442
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:05,388
And I'm just now appreciatin'
that strong, spiky stem!
443
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:08,261
I'd gladly receive a kiss
from this rose.
444
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,306
Ha!
Like the song!
445
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,439
[laughter]
446
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:15,616
He's doin' it!
He's choppin' it up!
447
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:18,923
Such a nicely composed photo.
Did you take this?
448
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:21,274
Yeah, I took it.
Off the Internet!
449
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,232
[laughter]
450
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:31,284
[laughter fading]
451
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:32,676
FEMININE VOICE: And, class,
452
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,026
Stan was so good
at conversing now
453
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,767
that he used his silver tongue
454
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:40,249
to actually "chop up"
the bad guys.
455
00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:43,296
It's all here
in The Book of Fischer.
456
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,908
After our lord and savior,
Tuttle, died and rose again,
457
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:49,563
this was the first miracle
he performed --
458
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,565
giving an ordinary man
the ability
459
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:54,916
to chop up wrongdoers
with his words.
460
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:58,137
- [whirring]
- ALL: Whoa!
461
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,313
How do we know
any of this is true?
462
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:03,794
Part of being
a Tuttle's Witness is faith.
463
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:07,189
Once you have truly welcomed
Tuttle into your life,
464
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:09,757
you'll know in your heart
that everything
465
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,628
in The Book of Fischer is true,
466
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:13,891
every story enlightening,
467
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:16,633
every spelling mistake
meaningful.
468
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:18,461
But wait a second.
469
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,247
How did the prophet Fischer
even record this story?
470
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:24,598
It happened after his book was
entombed in the refrigerator.
471
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:28,210
Uh...not all stories
are told linearly.
472
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:30,169
Time to color in
your picture of a rose.
473
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:32,867
[whirring]
474
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:35,130
[buzzing]
475
00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:41,354
Uh, you guys wanna see
a picture of a rose?
476
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,878
- [whimpers]
- [gunshots]
477
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:49,100
[clicking]
478
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:51,190
Tuttle, easy.
I-It's over.
479
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,061
What the hell, Tuttle?!
We had a plan!
480
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:55,237
The rose was
about to do its thing!
481
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,021
Have you had that gun
the whole time?
482
00:19:57,065 --> 00:19:59,894
Yeah, I've been a marked man
for 20 years.
483
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:02,288
But I've never
had to use it before.
484
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,681
Well, everyone who knew
you were alive is dead.
485
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:08,119
So I guess you can either
go back to Langley Falls
486
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,209
or your life before that.
487
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,602
Uh, I'll go back to Langley.
488
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,604
That's where I have
the most friends.
489
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:17,477
Ha! I'll never be as funny
as you are, Tuttle.
490
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,609
Do we have to do
something about this?
491
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:22,090
It's a safe house,
not an Airbnb.
492
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,136
We don't have to "load
the dishwasher" before we go.
493
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:29,924
MOM: The Parable
of Chopping It Up
494
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,318
is one of my favorites.
495
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:34,058
Can we go to McCyberDonald's
on the way home?
496
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:36,844
Ask your father.
Here he comes.
497
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:39,934
[whooshing]
498
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:43,285
Still alive and kickin'
after all these years!
499
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:45,418
Pretty annoying how everyone
worships Jeff now,
500
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,071
but gotta put up with it...
501
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:49,726
'cause I can't get enough
of these sexy robot people!
502
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:51,119
[smooching]
503
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,121
[giggling] Stop!
504
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:56,037
[whoosh]
505
00:20:56,087 --> 00:21:00,637
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