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1
00:00:02,220 --> 00:00:04,420
The British people need someone to
look up to.
2
00:00:04,420 --> 00:00:05,900
They think you're ridiculous.
3
00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:09,060
If I'm so ridiculous, how come
I've got these medals?
4
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:12,180
Give the people of Britain
a referendum...
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,780
on the abolition of the monarchy.
6
00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:17,700
They all want you to be
the next king.
7
00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:19,180
Skip a generation!
8
00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:22,140
Let's put the wealth back into
the Commonwealth,
9
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:25,900
and the gland back into Eng-gland.
10
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,040
Those two haven't seen
the last of us.
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:36,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
12
00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:52,300
I can't believe the general public
don't want me to be king.
13
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:56,140
What do you expect? To them you're
just a dithery bloke with big ears.
14
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,740
Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart
think I'm great.
15
00:00:58,740 --> 00:01:00,380
Only because you gave them
knighthoods.
16
00:01:00,380 --> 00:01:02,060
That's totally irrelevant.
17
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:05,340
They're anti-Establishment rebels
who don't give a fig for convention.
18
00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:06,980
Well, what do you think it's like
for me?
19
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:09,140
I was going to rule this land with
an icy fist
20
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,360
and plunge it into
an eternal winter.
21
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:15,040
I've got my Christmas list
to finish.
22
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:19,840
Out of the way, plebs!
23
00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:24,140
♪ Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer... ♪
24
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:25,300
Now, you did remember -
25
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:28,060
joke presents for the adults,
proper presents for the kids?
26
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:30,220
Oh, yes. That's why I got Camilla
this hat.
27
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,580
Oh, she'll love it. And what have
you got baby Charlotte?
28
00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:34,980
A 16-bedroom mansion in Berkshire.
29
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:35,920
Perfect.
30
00:01:39,780 --> 00:01:41,640
Look, Wills - it's your people.
31
00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:44,740
Hi, guys.
32
00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:46,740
Merry Christmas. You're so normal,
33
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,860
despite being inherently better
than us!
34
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:51,740
Of course. We're just like you.
35
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:54,500
Now, do you have a present for us?
36
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:58,060
This is Westminster Abbey. I made it
entirely out of matchsticks.
37
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,540
Oh, it's wonderful. Ooh!
38
00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:01,020
Sorry.
39
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,180
That's all right,
Your Royal Highness.
40
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,680
I'll make you another.
No, I like this one.
41
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,160
Here we are - Sandringham.
42
00:02:12,540 --> 00:02:15,000
Never quite as Christmassy
as I remember it.
43
00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:24,780
Who is there,
and state your business?
44
00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:27,020
It's us, Auntie Anne -
Wills and Kate.
45
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:28,340
We've come for Christmas!
46
00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:29,280
Have you?
47
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:35,900
Auntie Anne?
48
00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:41,960
♪ It's the most wonderful time
of the year... ♪
49
00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:44,020
So good to be here.
50
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:46,260
I can't remember the last time
we had a break.
51
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:48,900
I think it was six days ago
in Mustique.
52
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:51,740
We've got everything we need to make
this the best Christmas ever.
53
00:02:51,740 --> 00:02:54,660
Except one thing, Eugenie - Daddy.
54
00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:57,460
Leave it out, Bea. We've got no way
of getting hold of him.
55
00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:59,420
I sent him a letter.
Addressed to where?
56
00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:02,020
All the countries on Amnesty's
abuse of human rights letters.
57
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:03,220
That's brilliant.
58
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,280
Mummy!
59
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,220
Hello, girls.
60
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:13,020
Oh, girls, wasn't it nice of Charles
to invite me this year?
61
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,620
He's probably seen the quiet dignity
you use to flog your juicers
62
00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:16,940
on the shopping channel.
63
00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:20,260
Yes, and finally realised I'm not
trading on my royal connections
64
00:03:20,260 --> 00:03:23,100
with my Duchess of York
Right Royal Juicer.
65
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,860
"Make every breakfast
fit for a queen."
66
00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:27,380
Oh, Mummy, if you hadn't married
into the royal family,
67
00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:29,660
you'd probably be a top-flight
businesswoman
68
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:32,380
with your own
international cooperation by now.
69
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:35,900
No, girls, YOU'LL be the ones to
smash through the glass ceiling,
70
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:36,960
for all women.
71
00:03:38,031 --> 00:03:39,260
Oh, no!
72
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,720
I forgot my hair straighteners!
73
00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:53,920
Anne!
74
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:58,660
Got the tree up?
Shall I put a few more baubles on?
75
00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:00,040
It's already fully decorated.
76
00:04:02,178 --> 00:04:04,140
The Queen isn't here this year,
Catherine, so...
77
00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:07,540
Anne, as I said before, please,
call me Kate - it's friendlier.
78
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:11,100
Yes, I recall the conversation well,
Catherine.
79
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:13,860
Now, the Queen isn't here this year
so Camilla...
80
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:15,420
Yes, I know about the Queen,
81
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,660
which is why I thought I might
run things this year.
82
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:20,780
What's all this? Yes, that's right.
83
00:04:20,806 --> 00:04:23,000
You deserve a rest at your age.
84
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:28,380
Forgive me, Kate. Do you really
think your gypsy heritage
85
00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:30,700
equips you for a task of this size?
86
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,820
Christmas lunch at Sandringham
isn't the same as
87
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:34,980
frying up a squirrel
on a caravan stove.
88
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:38,260
I'll manage. Don't forget, my
family's business is party planning.
89
00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,860
No, I'll never forget that.
90
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,480
Well, that's settled, then.
91
00:04:43,227 --> 00:04:45,220
You know, you SHOULD be in charge.
92
00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:48,180
And, as such,
you should have the choicest room -
93
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:49,860
the Queen Mother's suite.
94
00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:51,380
But that room is... Anne,
95
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:53,140
she wants to be mistress this year
96
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,220
so she should have
the mistress's room.
97
00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:57,740
Well, maybe that does make sense,
because I'm going to make
98
00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:00,500
this Christmas the jolliest one
Sandringham has ever seen.
99
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:04,500
And with Anne to help you,
I'm almost certain you'll succeed.
100
00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:11,620
What are you doing here?
101
00:05:11,620 --> 00:05:13,100
You said I could come.
102
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:14,380
Not to the house!
103
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:17,260
Do you really think I'd have YOU
in the house?
104
00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:19,260
You? In the house?
105
00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:21,020
But I brought you a juicer.
106
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:24,300
If I'd wanted a juicer, don't you
think I'd have bought it myself?
107
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:27,100
Have you no idea
how much money I've got?
108
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,840
Where are the girls and I
going to stay?
109
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,040
In the stables.
110
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,380
This is a bit odd.
111
00:05:42,380 --> 00:05:46,380
Oh, my God, Harry, this isn't a
celebrity charity auction at all!
112
00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:48,300
This is a soup kitchen.
113
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,420
No, I don't know.
Isn't that Bob Geldof?
114
00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:54,220
Your Highness, thanks so much for
coming down.
115
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:56,100
It'll mean so much to the guys.
116
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,520
Let's get you a ladle.
117
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,580
They actually think we're going to
serve soup!
118
00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:05,903
It's... Yeah, no, sorry,
we've got to go, because...
119
00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:10,120
..we've got to go. Oh.
120
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:18,740
Well, we could stay for an hour.
121
00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:20,280
So, who are you?
122
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,760
I'm Ellie. Ellie Goulding.
123
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:35,900
What ARE you doing?!
124
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,860
No fires to be lit till
after six o'clock.
125
00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:39,580
Just thought I'd warm the place up
a bit.
126
00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:43,580
If you're cold, I suggest you wear
these - Prince Albert's long johns.
127
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,220
So, where are Gran and Grandad
this year?
128
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:53,600
There's a card from Grandpapa
on the mantelpiece.
129
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:56,820
"Dear fuckers,
130
00:06:56,820 --> 00:06:58,340
"It's too bastard cold.
131
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:01,580
"We've fucked off to that Polynesian
island where I'm worshipped as a god.
132
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,580
"If anything comes up, say I've got
another urinary tract infection.
133
00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:05,920
"Fuck off. Grandad."
134
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:12,340
Look, Dad, I'm sorry they made me
the next in line instead of you,
135
00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:15,140
but it was a referendum and we must
respect the public's decision.
136
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:19,520
The public voted Angels by Robbie
Williams as the best song of all time -
137
00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:21,580
what does that say about the public?
138
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:23,300
They're cretins - that's what!
139
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,020
They are not! Take
the recent EU referendum.
140
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:29,060
The great British public considered
the question from every angle -
141
00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:31,540
the loss in GDP, the decline
in overseas investment,
142
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:32,820
the collapse in sterling.
143
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,780
They didn't just say, "We don't like
Polish people," and vote to leave.
144
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:37,820
Well, everyone in the village wants
me to be king.
145
00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:38,860
You own that village.
146
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:40,600
Technically you still
have the medieval right
147
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,560
to have sex with any woman there.
Yes...technically.
148
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:47,220
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be king.
149
00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:50,980
All right, you're arrogant,
you're self-absorbed,
150
00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:52,140
and you never listen.
151
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,540
So you're saying I'm too handsome
to be king?
152
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,460
No, you never listen!
153
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:59,180
The people didn't want you,
they wanted me -
154
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,940
someone modern and in touch.
155
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:02,980
I am in touch!
156
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:06,840
I'm going to listen to The Goons.
157
00:08:10,386 --> 00:08:11,380
George III!
158
00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:13,740
Yes! Do you like my wig?
159
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:15,100
Um, yeah.
160
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,500
I don't think it's very convincing,
161
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,540
but I am also the ghost of Christmas
past and I'm here to show you
162
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,780
that your father should be king.
163
00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,540
I can't let Dad be king -
he's too flawed.
164
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:28,380
Well, we all are,
to a certain extent - even me.
165
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:30,860
Oh, yeah, you're the king
who lost America, aren't you?
166
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:34,620
That's right. It's a very backward
little country.
167
00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:36,300
Nothing ever came of it, did it?
168
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,020
No, no, not really.
169
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:39,880
Good. Now...
170
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:45,100
..let us pay a visit to your
father's Christmas past.
171
00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:53,500
Stop it, both of you.
172
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,780
Dad? Dad!
173
00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:57,260
I'm afraid he can't hear you.
174
00:08:57,260 --> 00:09:01,140
What on earth's this about? He said
I'd never make it as a show-jumper!
175
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:05,140
And she said I'd never make it as a
semi-respectable businessman!
176
00:09:05,140 --> 00:09:07,620
You'll both make it in your
respective fields.
177
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:10,260
That's why I've baked you
these organic biscuits.
178
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:13,300
Anne, yours is in the shape
of a pony. Ooh!
179
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:16,880
Andrew, yours is a surface-to-air
missile system.
180
00:09:19,620 --> 00:09:21,340
Now, shake hands.
181
00:09:21,340 --> 00:09:24,500
So he wasn't arrogant or self-absorbed,
and he did listen to people?
182
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,820
What happened?
You're about to find out.
183
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:30,460
Why are you still here,
you jug-eared loser?
184
00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:31,280
Daddy!
185
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:35,140
The bus to Gordonstoun is here.
186
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:36,360
Now, get on it!
187
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,120
Goodbye, old friend.
188
00:09:41,420 --> 00:09:44,140
You see, it was Gordonstoun that,
er...
189
00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,660
What's the phrase? It's on the tip
of my tongue...
190
00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:48,180
Fucked him up. It's very sad,
191
00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,260
but it doesn't mean he's going to
make a good king.
192
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:53,060
But all those excellent qualities
are still there.
193
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,060
Then why did the people choose me?
194
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:57,980
And are you really the best judge?
You were mad for ten years.
195
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:01,660
Yes, but I'm not mad now, as my
physician will no doubt tell you.
196
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:03,300
Um, there's no physician there.
197
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:07,834
If I had a shilling for every time
someone said that to me...
198
00:10:07,860 --> 00:10:08,880
Good luck.
199
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:19,500
Come on, girls. It's not that bad.
200
00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:21,860
We can make Christmas decorations
out of straw.
201
00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:22,980
Any news from Dad?
202
00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:26,660
Girls, you know that Christmas is an
international arms dealer's busiest time.
203
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,900
It'd take a miracle
to get him here now.
204
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,140
There is one more thing we could do.
205
00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:35,700
Release a song online called
Daddy, Come Home For Christmas.
206
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,000
I've already written it.
207
00:10:38,759 --> 00:10:39,960
This is good, Bea.
208
00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:42,620
Really good.
209
00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:57,840
# Christmas!
210
00:11:30,852 --> 00:11:33,240
And...upload.
211
00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:36,000
Gosh, that was Christmassy.
212
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:49,360
Did you touch this? I was cold.
213
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:52,360
22 degrees?
214
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:56,260
This is the master thermostat
for the whole of Sandringham
215
00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:58,740
and it's never been set above
nine degrees, ever.
216
00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:02,180
But in the outside world, 22 degrees
is just room temperature.
217
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,900
I've no interest in
the outside world.
218
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,620
Now, I'll trouble you
for your clothes.
219
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:08,140
What? For the incinerator.
220
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,081
It's all written down.
221
00:12:10,238 --> 00:12:11,300
But why is it in German?
222
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,060
Because we ARE German.
223
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:16,220
Each outfit to be worn
to one event only.
224
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:19,900
But why? Because the Queen Mother
willed it.
225
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,900
I see. Well, my minibus of clothes
is arriving any minute.
226
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:26,320
I'll get changed, then.
227
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:38,660
This is the Queen Mother's room,
exactly as she left it.
228
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:40,600
Nothing must be disturbed.
229
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,260
The cocktail shaker.
230
00:12:44,260 --> 00:12:48,220
On quiet nights, I almost think
I can hear her mixing a gin martini
231
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,860
and then ten minutes later
stumbling into something.
232
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:52,460
She sounds like a wonderful woman.
233
00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:53,860
Oh, she was.
234
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,580
Just think what she could have
achieved
235
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:57,980
had she not been taken from us
far too soon
236
00:12:57,980 --> 00:12:59,320
at just 101.
237
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,320
I'll take these to the incinerator.
238
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,300
Bad news, I'm afraid.
239
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,820
Your minibus of clothes
seems to have crashed into
240
00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:12,420
a propane gas tanker.
241
00:13:12,420 --> 00:13:15,020
Quite the inferno -
there's nothing left.
242
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,780
Goodness! Is the driver all right?
243
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:19,900
I didn't ask. The point is,
244
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,380
you've got nothing to wear for the
lunch you're serving
245
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:24,020
in less than an hour.
246
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,180
I should stop Anne from incinerating
my last dress.
247
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:30,640
No. Incinerating clothes is one of
Anne's few pleasures.
248
00:13:32,140 --> 00:13:32,800
Good luck.
249
00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:36,520
I'm sure you'll cook up a storm.
250
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,180
I wonder what's taking Kate so long.
251
00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:49,780
Yes, I hope it's not proving
too much.
252
00:13:49,780 --> 00:13:52,100
But she was so keen to cook.
253
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:56,600
If only it was something more in her
skill set, like fortune-telling.
254
00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:58,440
Not late, am I?
255
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,380
That's a...different sort of dress.
256
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,000
I made it from the curtains.
257
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:07,220
Those are the Queen Mother's
favourite curtains.
258
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,660
No-one has favourite curtains.
259
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:10,980
SHE did. She had a lot of time on
her hands.
260
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:14,300
Well, I, for one,
think Kate looks wonderful.
261
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,740
Really? Yes.
262
00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:18,020
Certainly not like someone who's
about to break down
263
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:20,640
more spectacularly
than British Home Stores.
264
00:14:21,620 --> 00:14:24,080
There's something burning.
The lunch!
265
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:36,120
I will break her,
break her using Christmas.
266
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,920
It's so satisfying,
putting something back.
267
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,920
Yeah. So I've decided to take time
away from the music industry.
268
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:55,380
Just as well, really, cos
your career's in the shitter.
269
00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:56,740
Harry, we should go.
270
00:14:56,740 --> 00:14:58,300
I'll stay.
271
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,380
Pippa's not as into charity as I am.
272
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:03,500
Yes, I am. Why do you think I
do all those triathlons?
273
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,240
To keep your bum in shape
and meet fit blokes.
274
00:15:07,220 --> 00:15:09,220
My boyfriend's joking, of course.
275
00:15:09,220 --> 00:15:12,480
I say boyfriend, I mean fiance.
276
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:17,040
Oh, now I recognise you,
you're Pippa Middleton.
277
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:22,200
It must be great having a sister
like Kate, so kind and pretty.
278
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,860
Oh, Pippa's sort of pretty.
279
00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:24,900
What?!
280
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:26,980
Well, you're more sexy, aren't you?
281
00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:28,780
And you look a bit dirty.
282
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,500
Do you want your Christmas bonus?
283
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:31,940
Right, jobs -
284
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,180
Harry, let's have
you serving the food.
285
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,020
Oh, awesome. And Pippa,
286
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,620
would you mind emptying
the chemical toilets
287
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,340
and giving them a bit of a scrub?
288
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,420
You fucking what?
289
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:44,340
Yes, it's just these
guys can be a bit gung ho
290
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:46,400
when it comes to using the toilet.
291
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,360
Bless them.
292
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,340
How are you getting on?
293
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:00,060
Badly. Where are all the servants?
294
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:03,860
Oh, I thought you wanted to do it
all on your own so I sent them home.
295
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:07,040
I could fetch them back but
by now they'll be...
296
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:09,420
very drunk.
297
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:11,500
Why isn't there even a dishwasher?
298
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:12,480
Anne would never allow it.
299
00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:15,800
She has electromagnetic
hypersensitivity.
300
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,500
Sometimes I think you don't
want me to make this
301
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:19,940
the best Christmas ever.
302
00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:23,820
Kate, you're sounding a
little paranoid.
303
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,220
We're family.
304
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,860
Yes, I suppose.
305
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,420
That's better.
306
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,500
Now, what are you serving
the carollers tonight?
307
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,400
Carollers?!
Yes, it's on the list.
308
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:36,060
The lumpen oafs from the village
come a-carolling every Christmas Eve
309
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:39,400
and we served them mince pies
and pastries and samosas -
310
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,540
anything beige, really.
311
00:16:41,540 --> 00:16:42,960
But I just haven't got the time.
312
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,560
Why don't you look under there?
313
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,440
There might be something
that can help.
314
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:52,760
Oh, and of course you will
need another outfit.
315
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,120
Good luck.
316
00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:57,800
Ah!
317
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:04,100
So, Harry, what are you
up to tomorrow?
318
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,140
Erm.
319
00:17:05,140 --> 00:17:06,300
With the rellies.
320
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:10,300
You know, I used to love Christmas
Day but I keep getting clothes now.
321
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:11,720
It used to be toys.
322
00:17:12,420 --> 00:17:15,460
You? The council won't let us
use this site tomorrow.
323
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:17,820
I've just got to find somewhere
for these guys to eat.
324
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:19,420
Well, bring them to ours.
325
00:17:19,420 --> 00:17:21,660
What?! Well, I wouldn't
want to impose.
326
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:23,380
Yes, that's a terrible idea.
327
00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:24,580
You wouldn't be imposing.
328
00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:25,680
I insist.
329
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:31,960
Guys, how does Christmas lunch
with the royal family sound?
330
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:33,360
Hey-hey!
331
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,140
God bless the house of Windsor.
332
00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:36,160
That's settled, then.
333
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:41,040
Oh, and Pippa, I made you
a nice cup of Rosie Lee.
334
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,580
I know what you're doing, Ellie,
335
00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:46,380
because I've done it before
and twice as well,
336
00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:49,340
so you can take
your cup of Rosie Lee
337
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:51,320
and shove it up your arse.
338
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:57,480
12 words. It's a book.
339
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,700
First word 'the'. The Royal Society
of British Architects' Guide
340
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,740
To Traditional Neoclassical
Architecture.
341
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:05,180
How did you get that?
342
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,300
Wild stab in the dark.
343
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,060
Hello. Uncle Edward!
344
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,580
And you've come dressed as Father
Christmas for the children.
345
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:13,780
Oh, no, no, I've come
straight from work.
346
00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:16,420
I'm Santa at Debenhams, King's Lynn.
347
00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:19,060
Good for you. God, I'm really
looking forward to Christmas.
348
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,740
I haven't eaten for two days.
349
00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:21,820
What?
350
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,340
I mean, since breakfast.
351
00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:24,980
Edward, we're playing charades.
352
00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:26,280
Yes, please!
353
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,340
So it's true.
354
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,580
You are playing charades.
355
00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:33,820
I'm the only one in this family
who ever does any work.
356
00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:36,340
Well, perhaps if you had a bit of
fun occasionally, you wouldn't
357
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:39,380
turn up to all your engagements
with a face like a slapped arse.
358
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,420
As you well know,
359
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:44,840
my face looks like a slapped arse as
a result of a miserable personality.
360
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,820
Besides, being a royal isn't
supposed to be fun.
361
00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:49,380
But weren't you on
A Question Of Sport?
362
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:50,940
Well, look where that led.
363
00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:54,940
Emlyn Hughes touched me
inappropriately.
364
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,300
Imagine, a common
defensive midfielder
365
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:01,780
touching me, the Princess Royal.
366
00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:04,840
But even now, I can't
stop thinking about him.
367
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,360
No charades.
368
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:15,300
Not to worry. Let's go for a walk.
369
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,460
I'll tell you about the time Roger
Federer said I was the best tennis
370
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:20,380
player in the world. Wow.
371
00:19:20,380 --> 00:19:22,740
Not in so many words,
but it's what he was thinking.
372
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:25,660
George III.
373
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:28,860
That's right. You named your
little boy George, didn't you?
374
00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:32,060
Was that after me? Actually we
named him after George Clooney.
375
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,540
We both really liked Ocean's Twelve.
376
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,620
Oh. But I'm glad you're here.
377
00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:37,820
I still don't think Dad would
make a better king than me.
378
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:39,980
Well, you're not looking
hard enough.
379
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:41,962
He just said he was the best tennis
player in the world.
380
00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:47,980
Right, I think it's time you took
a look at your father's Christmas
381
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,640
future, young man.
382
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:53,820
Where are we?
383
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,220
The Big Brother Diary Room.
384
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:58,540
See how the years have ravaged him.
385
00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:01,540
It's like a ploughman has taken a
team of oxen and a harrow
386
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:02,700
to his face.
387
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:05,900
I feel like Brian Harvey's trying
to exclude me from the group
388
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:09,020
because he thinks I fancy
Kimberley Walsh.
389
00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:10,220
But we're just friends.
390
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,660
And how does that
make you feel, Prince Charles?
391
00:20:12,660 --> 00:20:15,140
Pretty gloomy, actually.
392
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:16,780
We're living in
each other's pockets.
393
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,020
Why's he in here?
394
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:21,140
It's the only way he can
make a living.
395
00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:23,420
In the future,
he's just a minor royal.
396
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:25,700
Prince Charles,
your nominations, please.
397
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:26,800
I hate to do this.
398
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:28,960
Duffy...
399
00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:31,400
and Martin Amis.
400
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,640
Even if his future is horrible,
401
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,920
it doesn't mean he has the first
idea about people's needs
402
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,160
and aspirations.
403
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:41,160
Really? So why, when you were young,
do you think that he baked you this?
404
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,160
The helicopter-shaped
Cornish biscuit!
405
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,360
I remember.
406
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:52,200
George III?
407
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,080
Girls,
408
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,720
which dress do you think I should
wear for Christmas Eve supper?
409
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,800
It doesn't matter, does it, Mummy?
410
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,520
We're not invited.
411
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,920
We're eating assorted grains
out of a bucket.
412
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,880
Daddy would never have
stood for this.
413
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:11,840
Do you think it's possible
our song was shit?
414
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,960
Ahead of its time, maybe, but shit?
415
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,800
No. Getting a bit cold,
isn't it, girls?
416
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,600
What's that?
417
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,760
It's a helicopter.
418
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,760
Bea...look.
419
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,000
It's Pa!
420
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,120
Happy Christmas, everyone.
421
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:34,360
You're number one in
Azerbaijan, by the way.
422
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,040
Amazeballs!
423
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,760
And this is for you.
424
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,320
Well, open it, you silly moo.
425
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:42,640
All right.
426
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,600
It's a joke.
427
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,200
Oh, yeah, it's really funny, Andy.
428
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,920
It's all right now, girls,
Mummy's eyesight's coming back.
429
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,920
Who's coming out with me
to the big house, then?
430
00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,560
Yeah!
431
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,320
It's a Christmas miracle.
432
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,360
Dad, I've got you a present.
433
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:18,920
Is this a joke?
434
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,040
No.
435
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,080
It's your Prince of Wales crown.
436
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,640
Papa, I want you to be the next
in line again.
437
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,360
So it's me first
438
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,320
and then you?
Just like it should be.
439
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,280
Oh, my boy.
440
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:32,480
This is the best present
a chap could have.
441
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,000
I love you, Dad.
442
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,320
So what made you change your mind?
443
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,760
Pity. Oh.
444
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,000
And this biscuit. Oh.
445
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,400
But mainly pity. Oh.
446
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,080
Still.
447
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,480
My precious.
448
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,480
My precious!
449
00:22:58,159 --> 00:22:58,880
Oh.
450
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,040
It's you.
451
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,120
Kate, the carollers are here.
452
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,720
God, I haven't been here in years.
453
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,600
Charles won't mind me being
here, will he?
454
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,160
Fergie.
455
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:12,960
Now look here, Charlie boy...
456
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,800
Merry Christmas, one and all!
Way-hay!
457
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,760
# Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
458
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,520
# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la
459
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:22,840
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪
460
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,760
Who says Christmas at Sandringham
can't be fun?
461
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,680
And we're number one in Azerbaijan!
462
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,200
Hey-hey! Happy Christmas!
463
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,200
Is that a shower curtain?
464
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,240
I've made a selection
of beige nibbles.
465
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,240
Partridge satay, crunchy crab
parcels and hedgehog vol-au-vents.
466
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,640
Take a serviette.
467
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,560
I mean, napkin.
468
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,800
Don't just stand there, dive in!
469
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,120
Three per person.
470
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,520
And don't forget,
if you're having the satay,
471
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,600
use the peanut dipping sauce.
472
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:55,840
I'm allergic to peanuts.
473
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,080
Just eat it!
474
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,440
There's a fire in the kitchen!
475
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,480
Someone's plugged
in a microwave oven.
476
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,080
The house can't take it.
477
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,160
It's only wired to take two amps,
478
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,280
in total.
I thought it would be quicker.
479
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,440
Did you?
480
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:13,760
Oh, Kate...
481
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,600
We've all been avoiding the truth
because we love her so much.
482
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:26,900
We have to face the fact that...
Kate is ruining Christmas.
483
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:32,640
She's losing her mind.
484
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,160
Darling, you're wearing normal
clothes again. That's great.
485
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,720
Yeah. I had to drive all the way to
Harrods to get some.
486
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,520
How nice of them to open up
specially for you?
487
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,360
They didn't. I had to put a brick
through the window.
488
00:24:52,984 --> 00:24:57,480
Oh, no! You put yourself under too
much strain. It's just lunch.
489
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,200
Just lunch? Just lunch?!
490
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,560
Have you the faintest idea what goes
into making a Christmas lunch?!
491
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,620
Ya - isn't it just putting a big
chicken in the oven?
492
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:10,080
No. There's the bread sauce, the
cranberry sauce,
493
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,240
the special gypsy sauce, two
different types of stuffing,
494
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:13,920
and that's before you even
get to the parsnips!
495
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:14,780
My mistake.
496
00:25:15,746 --> 00:25:18,080
Can you just put the knife down?
497
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:18,860
What?!
498
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:20,700
Oh!
499
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:22,460
I'm sorry!
500
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:29,000
I've got to go. But just, you know,
try and calm down a bit.
501
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,740
The sprouts!
502
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:40,320
Nothing beats a Christmas morning
swim in an icy lake.
503
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,760
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, maybe a Margarita.
504
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,360
So, future king again, eh?
505
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,120
Yes. Before long I'll be having
those weekly PM-monarch meetings
506
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,040
with Theresa May. I do hope she
doesn't try anything on.
507
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,680
You know I'm catnip to the ladies.
508
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,560
Yes. How will she control herself
509
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:01,000
Dad - the BBC accidentally
taped Strictly Come Dancing
510
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,360
over the Queen's Christmas speech,
and she's not here to do it again.
511
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:04,400
What are you saying?
512
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:05,740
Well, you're
going to have to do the speech.
513
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,820
Live.
Excellent.
514
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,480
I've always wanted to deliver the
Christmas message.
515
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,400
You've always wanted to set fire to
the Tate Modern -
516
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,200
doesn't mean it's a good idea.
517
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,280
And you've got nothing prepared.
I'll just wing it.
518
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,360
After all, everyone I meet thinks
everything I say is wonderful.
519
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,960
That's face-to-face.
520
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,400
These people will be in their own
homes, taking the mickey,
521
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,680
making sarcastic remarks,
doing impressions of you.
522
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,320
Oh, don't be absurd.
523
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,120
What could they possibly find to do
an impression of?
524
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:35,180
Fe fe, fe fe, yeugh.
525
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,080
Come back to bed, Andy.
526
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,100
In a minute.
527
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:43,960
Oh, get up, Bates!
528
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,260
It's a joke!
529
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,280
Merry Christmas!
530
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,840
Merry Christmas, girls!
531
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,440
We made breakfast.
Oh, yum.
532
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,220
But before you tuck in,
533
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,780
let me give you your present.
534
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,900
Fucking hell, Bea, he's going to pop
the question!
535
00:27:00,926 --> 00:27:05,400
I've been with many women, Fergs,
and caught many unpleasant diseases,
536
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,900
some of which are still in
their dormant stage,
537
00:27:08,470 --> 00:27:11,820
but penicillin can't cure the
disease I caught off you.
538
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,560
Love.
Oh!
539
00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:17,220
Fergie -
540
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,700
will you marry me?
541
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,920
Don't know.
What?!
542
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,000
You've broken so many promises in
the past,
543
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,360
not just to the Board of Trade
regarding your conduct abroad,
544
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:33,320
but to me.
I've changed, Fergie!
545
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,480
The Board of Trade have given
me a second chance!
546
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,500
Won't you?
547
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,020
Oh, Andy, of course I will!
548
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,220
Oh!
Agh!
549
00:27:52,716 --> 00:27:54,620
Oh, Andy!
550
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,400
Ellie.
551
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,280
And I brought my guitar.
552
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:03,880
Oh, lucky us!
553
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,600
I could teach you how to make
a chord with your fingers.
554
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,200
Oh, Harry doesn't need any help with
his fingering.
555
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:13,040
And hasn't your fret been fingered
already by everyone from Ed Sheeran
556
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,080
to Dougie from McFly?
557
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:19,560
That's true, but when a fret's been
fingered as many times as mine has,
558
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,120
it gets looser and easier to play.
559
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,640
Oh, no-one doubts it's loose.
560
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,640
I made you a CD of some of my
favourite Christian rock songs.
561
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,200
Oh, right, I'll definitely
listen to that.
562
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,880
I'll just go and find a...
563
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:34,780
..a bin.
564
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,047
And I thought we might have got off
on the wrong foot yesterday.
565
00:28:40,073 --> 00:28:42,840
So, this is for you.
566
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,320
It's some poems I wrote about
flowers.
567
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,320
Oh, thank you, Ellie,
that is so sweet of you.
568
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,020
I've got you all wrong.
569
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,920
What are you doing?
I've got a poem for you.
570
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,800
Stay away from my fiance or I'll
fuck you up so bad,
571
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,940
even your own mother
won't recognise you.
572
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,300
Er, who are this lot, then?
573
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,360
You invited them yesterday
at the soup kitchen.
574
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:11,840
Oh. Could have done.
575
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,340
I was very drunk.
576
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,560
Now, let's get you a cup of
something warm.
577
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:18,920
Harry?
Yeah.
578
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:20,760
Could you give me a hand?
579
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,480
Erm, yeah.
580
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,960
Oh, it's like that, is it?
581
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,400
Well, I invented pretending to be
nice to get men.
582
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,400
Oh, hello, you, what's your name?
583
00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,240
I don't know, I lost my memory.
584
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:37,240
Really? Come on, let me show you
the way to the bathroom,
585
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,720
get you nice and disinfected.
586
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,240
What the hell's going on?
587
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:44,080
Harry invited them.
They're homeless.
588
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,280
She's not, though, in case the hair
and clothes confuse you.
589
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,320
Seven extra mouths to feed?
590
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,600
Well, I'm sure Kate can cope.
591
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,020
Can't wait to tell her.
592
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,600
I should like to talk to you today
593
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,920
about 15th century
Tuscan architecture.
594
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,360
You're a bit stiff.
You've got to connect with people.
595
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:03,660
Let me show you.
Oh...
596
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,600
Hi. Do you know the most important
thing a person can be?
597
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,220
No, not king.
598
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,160
A parent. I remember when we had
baby Charlotte -
599
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:16,840
we could have gone somewhere fancy,
600
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:20,720
but chose to have her in a normal
hospital that only cost ?5,000.
601
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:21,700
A night.
602
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,440
See? Keep it relatable.
603
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,440
Right, and then go on to
Tuscan architecture.
604
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:27,220
No.
605
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:29,500
Maybe work-life balance?
606
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,640
Since I rejoined the air ambulance,
607
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,900
I've found it very hard squaring
being a dad...
608
00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:38,360
with my 20 hours a week
flying helicopters,
609
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,280
plus doing up to
one royal duty a month,
610
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,520
and finding time to watch
Homes Under The Hammer.
611
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,040
God, you
sound like a bloody social worker.
612
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,200
Hi. Just thought I'd pop in to say,
"Have fun out there".
613
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,480
Energy, energy, energy.
614
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,640
Edward, are you directing the speech
this year?
615
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,480
Well, I did use to run my own TV
company, which would still
616
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:59,200
be solvent if I hadn't made a series
of catastrophic creative decisions.
617
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,980
So, you're in safe hands.
618
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:12,940
What's this for?
It goes with the turkey.
619
00:31:12,940 --> 00:31:15,560
I'm doing Jamie's Well Pukka
Right Banging Eat-It-You-Slag
620
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,760
Christmas dinner.
Turkey?!
621
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:19,960
At Sandringham, we always have carp.
622
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,480
Carp?
It's part of our German heritage.
623
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:26,120
Carp schnitzel mit crispy spaetzler
- and all the trimmings.
624
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:28,480
All this will have to be
incinerated.
625
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:29,860
It was all written down.
626
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:32,260
I see.
627
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:34,820
But where am I going to find a carp
on Christmas Day?
628
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:39,400
You'd better take this as well -
629
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,240
the ice on the lake can be quite
thick in places.
630
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,640
Oh, and you know how big-hearted
Harry is.
631
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:44,980
There'll be seven extra for lunch.
632
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:49,040
Yeah! Yeah! Can't wait!
633
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:52,560
The wedding's set for Feb, and then
the fun really begins!
634
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,560
He's talking about the honeymoon.
635
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:59,060
That's when I begin funnelling my
earnings into Switzerland via Fergs,
636
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,240
ready for the new financial year!
637
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:01,860
Yeah!
638
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,480
Daddy's only marrying Mummy for tax
reasons! We've got to tell her.
639
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,720
No! She'll be gutted.
640
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,840
And anyway, what's so wrong in
getting married to avoid tax?
641
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,160
Eugenie, when I get married, I
want it to be for the right reasons
642
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,940
- for love and sexual gratification!
643
00:32:19,940 --> 00:32:24,760
# Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya,
644
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:29,360
# Oh, lord, kumbaya. #
645
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:34,080
OK, everyone, there's orange and
lemon squash on the table,
646
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,200
and for those of you who don't have
alcohol issues,
647
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,740
there's a big bottle of Scotch
in the corner.
648
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:40,600
I've got it! I've got it!
649
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:44,440
You know, Ellie, you were
wonderful. So were you.
650
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,340
Let's have a Christian hug.
OK.
651
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,080
What the fuck are you doing?
652
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,440
Oh, Pippa,
it's not what it looks like.
653
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,560
I've told you enough times to
keep your mitts to yourself,
654
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,200
but you couldn't, could you,
you little slut?!
655
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,160
If you keep insulting me like this,
I'll...
656
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,260
What? Bake me a cake?
657
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:08,180
No.
658
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:10,900
Ooh!
659
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:18,300
# I don't want a lot for Christmas,
there is just one thing I need,
660
00:33:18,356 --> 00:33:24,780
# I don't care about no presents
underneath the Christmas tree
661
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:30,260
# I just want you for my own,
more than you could ever know
662
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:33,700
# Make my wish come true
663
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,520
♪ All I want for Christmas is you. ♪
664
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:49,540
You can fight. When your act's as
bad as mine, you have to.
665
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:56,440
You know, the first time your daddy
and I got married,
666
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:58,120
we were too young.
667
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:01,520
And now I just think
we're ready for it, and, erm,
668
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:05,520
that's why I've decided to put him in
charge of all my financial affairs.
669
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:07,640
Mummy, I have to tell you something.
670
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:11,040
So, Mummy - what was your first
wedding like?
671
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,760
It was an amazing feeling, you know,
672
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:17,760
being on the balcony with 100,000
people chanting, "Kiss!"
673
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:21,080
Although there was one man
shouting, "Show us your tits."
674
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:24,640
And that man was your father,
and that's why I love him.
675
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,120
I'm sorry, lunch seems to be a
little late.
676
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,780
I did fear it would be
too much for Kate.
677
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:44,720
Everyone, please enjoy my
traditional German Christmas lunch!
678
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:46,020
Oh, there you are!
679
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,560
Darling, that looks amazing!
680
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:49,500
Well done.
681
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,220
But I can't stay.
What?!
682
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:54,000
I've just spent all day cooking it!
683
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,240
I know, but it's just food, and I've
got to work on dad's speech.
684
00:34:57,240 --> 00:34:58,660
I'll grab some toast later.
685
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:01,460
Toast?!
686
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:06,400
Mmm.
Good beef rouladen.
687
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:11,460
And a superb schweinebraten mit
gemuse. Sehr gut.
688
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:13,180
Just a minute.
689
00:35:13,506 --> 00:35:16,240
That's not carp schnitzel mit crispy
spaetzle.
690
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:18,600
No, I couldn't catch a carp,
691
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,080
so it's pike schnitzel mit crispy
spaetzle.
692
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:22,640
The menu was quite clear,
693
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,080
and she knew that when
she took this on.
694
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,960
But surely, pike schnitzel mit
crispy spaetzle will do?!
695
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,840
DO?! No, it won't do!
696
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:34,080
The Queen Mother will be spinning
in her vast mausoleum!
697
00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:35,520
It's carp or nothing!
698
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:36,840
But I can't go back in that lake.
699
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:39,040
I can't! It was so cold!
700
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:40,920
All this will have to be
incinerated!
701
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:43,360
No!
Kate, you're becoming hysterical.
702
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,200
No, I'm not!
703
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:49,200
You lot sit around eating this
crispy spaetzle shit!
704
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,800
Well, what's wrong with a massive
tin of Quality Street
705
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,740
and a bottle of Diet fucking Coke?!
706
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:55,220
Enough!
707
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:58,440
Oh, dear. I'm sure she didn't mean
what she was saying
708
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,540
when she insulted
everything you hold dear.
709
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,580
Perhaps you should take her
for a lie-down.
710
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,740
Yes.
A lie-down.
711
00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:14,200
Yes, a lie-down would be nice.
712
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,720
That'll teach you to waltz into our
family with your common touch
713
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,580
and your Zara tops.
714
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:24,820
All set.
715
00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:29,060
Ready when you are. Ya - should
the camera be pointing at Dad?
716
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,060
OK, let's go with that.
717
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,120
OK, Dad, it's all up on
the teleprompter.
718
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:35,640
Any last-minute advice?
719
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,820
Just don't declare war on the EU.
720
00:36:38,545 --> 00:36:39,340
Ha!
721
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:42,060
Action!
722
00:36:46,100 --> 00:36:47,260
People of Earth...
723
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:51,800
I mean, people of Great Britain
and the Commonwealth -
724
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,860
what a year it's been.
Smile for emphasis.
725
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,934
The time has come for us to unite
and make Brexit a success.
726
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:02,520
We British have left Europe behind,
727
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,320
as we Windsors once left behind
the name Saxe-Coburg und Gotha.
728
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:08,440
Oh, no - he's going off script!
729
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:12,120
But leaving the EU doesn't mean we
stop being European,
730
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,660
any more than we Windsors
stop being German.
731
00:37:14,660 --> 00:37:17,420
I trust you've all seen the footage
of grandmama
732
00:37:17,420 --> 00:37:21,560
teaching mama and Auntie Margaret
how to do the Nazi salute.
733
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,600
And I'm sure you're aware that
Princess Michael of Kent's father
734
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,600
was an SS major who escaped
to Mozambique.
735
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:31,600
But that doesn't stop us being
British - of course it doesn't.
736
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,000
We face a bright future
outside Europe,
737
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,240
especially with us
Saxe-Coburg und Gothas...
738
00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:41,720
I mean, Windsors.
Sorry, I've got it in my head now.
739
00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:43,040
..as your leaders.
740
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:46,840
So, with that message, that message
of hope,
741
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,680
I bid you farewell and
frohe Weinacht.
742
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,160
In English, you fool!
743
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,860
I mean, "Merry Christmas".
744
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:56,700
There's another ten seconds to fill.
745
00:37:57,520 --> 00:37:59,200
Say something!
Oh...
746
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:00,880
I declare war on the EU!
747
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:01,820
And we're out!
748
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,380
That went rather well, didn't it?
749
00:38:17,340 --> 00:38:18,740
I'm sure we got away with it.
750
00:38:18,740 --> 00:38:23,460
We can't have done. You declared war
on the EU, Dad! The EU!
751
00:38:23,460 --> 00:38:26,540
I should think the sofa-dwelling
scum snored all the way through it.
752
00:38:26,540 --> 00:38:29,820
I'm sure they just took it for the
little intentional joke it was.
753
00:38:29,820 --> 00:38:32,820
Now, who's for a glass of shampoo?
Oh, yes, please!
754
00:38:34,060 --> 00:38:35,340
Oh, my God!
755
00:38:39,700 --> 00:38:43,300
I was thinking we could get married
at the ski lodge in Switzerland.
756
00:38:43,300 --> 00:38:44,780
How is the old place?
757
00:38:44,780 --> 00:38:47,540
Oh, I don't know. Uh, I haven't been
there since August.
758
00:38:47,540 --> 00:38:49,180
What?! Yeah, I've been, er,
759
00:38:49,180 --> 00:38:52,300
following the '80s Revival Tour
round Britain.
760
00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:54,220
What? Well, you know I like
Nik Kershaw!
761
00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:57,180
So, it's been more than three
months? Er, well, yes.
762
00:38:57,180 --> 00:39:00,500
Don't you realise that if you spend
more than three months in the UK,
763
00:39:00,500 --> 00:39:02,980
you're liable to pay UK taxes?!
764
00:39:02,980 --> 00:39:04,300
Oh, so what are you saying, that
765
00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:06,860
this whole marriage is based on tax
evasion?
766
00:39:06,860 --> 00:39:09,260
No, Fergie, no.
767
00:39:09,260 --> 00:39:11,180
Tax avoidance.
768
00:39:11,180 --> 00:39:13,300
It's a totally different ball game.
769
00:39:13,300 --> 00:39:14,340
Oh, my God!
770
00:39:15,380 --> 00:39:17,340
It's all starting to make sense now.
771
00:39:18,100 --> 00:39:20,260
You...you really don't love me, do
you?
772
00:39:20,260 --> 00:39:22,180
All this time, you've just been
using me.
773
00:39:22,180 --> 00:39:23,940
Oh, sure, yeah, the sex was good.
774
00:39:23,940 --> 00:39:25,060
Particularly early on,
775
00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:27,500
when our marathon sessions could
last over 36 hours
776
00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:29,940
and we'd explore each other's bodies
with our tongues...
777
00:39:32,740 --> 00:39:34,060
But that was a long time ago.
778
00:39:34,060 --> 00:39:38,060
You have robbed me of the chance
to stand on my own two feet.
779
00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:44,420
Well, I'm standing on them now!
780
00:39:45,620 --> 00:39:48,540
Yeah, Daddy, she's got a range of
juicers now!
781
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:52,060
Well, one juicer, but in a range of
colours!
782
00:39:53,940 --> 00:39:55,580
Ooh, Fergie, I've never seen you
like this before.
783
00:39:55,580 --> 00:39:57,140
Well, get used to it,
784
00:39:57,140 --> 00:40:01,540
because you have exploited my
childlike naivety for the last time.
785
00:40:11,060 --> 00:40:12,260
What are you doing, Anne?!
786
00:40:12,260 --> 00:40:15,940
You cut up the Queen Mother's
curtains, set fire to my kitchen,
787
00:40:15,940 --> 00:40:17,460
served pike!
788
00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:20,340
Camilla was right, you are
unbalanced.
789
00:40:20,340 --> 00:40:22,180
I'm lobotomising you!
790
00:40:22,180 --> 00:40:23,620
Lobotomising?!
791
00:40:23,620 --> 00:40:26,660
Oh, I'm fully licensed. We were
doing so many in the royal family,
792
00:40:26,660 --> 00:40:27,420
it just worked out cheaper.
793
00:40:27,420 --> 00:40:28,580
But I'm not unbalanced.
794
00:40:29,620 --> 00:40:32,780
How can I be, when I love horses as
much as you do?
795
00:40:32,780 --> 00:40:35,300
You're lying. You don't love horses
at all!
796
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:37,020
I do, I grew up with them.
797
00:40:37,020 --> 00:40:38,900
Ask me anything. All right, then.
798
00:40:39,860 --> 00:40:41,460
What breed of horse is Black Beauty?
799
00:40:41,460 --> 00:40:44,180
In the TV series,
or the book, or film?
800
00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:46,380
ALL OF THEM! Agh!
801
00:40:46,380 --> 00:40:49,020
In the book...a thoroughbred.
802
00:40:49,020 --> 00:40:51,140
Er...in the film...
803
00:40:51,140 --> 00:40:52,700
..an American Quarter Horse.
804
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:54,140
And in the TV series?
805
00:40:54,140 --> 00:40:56,060
Oh... And in the TV series, oh...
806
00:40:57,620 --> 00:40:58,460
..a Welsh Cob!
807
00:40:58,460 --> 00:41:00,220
Hum the theme tune.
808
00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:14,540
You DO love horses!
809
00:41:15,620 --> 00:41:17,380
Can you turn the drill off, please?
810
00:41:17,380 --> 00:41:19,060
Oh, yes, of course.
811
00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:20,820
Oh. Oh.
812
00:41:20,820 --> 00:41:24,100
Oh, Anne, I've never seen
you smile before.
813
00:41:24,100 --> 00:41:25,860
Well, that's because...
814
00:41:25,860 --> 00:41:26,740
I never have.
815
00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:34,180
Have I missed lunch?
816
00:41:34,180 --> 00:41:36,260
It got in...cinerated.
817
00:41:37,780 --> 00:41:38,900
Who are you?
818
00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:41,100
I'm the homeless man you had
disinfected.
819
00:41:41,100 --> 00:41:42,420
You scrub up well.
820
00:41:44,980 --> 00:41:46,060
You all right?
821
00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:48,820
Oh, my God!
822
00:41:49,700 --> 00:41:51,020
It's all coming back to me!
823
00:41:51,020 --> 00:41:55,620
What is? I'm Johnny Mathers, I run a
hedge fund, live in Belgravia,
824
00:41:55,620 --> 00:41:57,500
and I'm worth ?2 billion.
825
00:41:59,220 --> 00:42:02,340
That's right, but you forgot the
most important bit -
826
00:42:02,340 --> 00:42:04,220
that we're engaged.
827
00:42:04,220 --> 00:42:07,140
Really?! Oh, Johnny, you're back!
828
00:42:10,860 --> 00:42:13,420
And now you can get that ring you
were talking about.
829
00:42:13,420 --> 00:42:16,380
A ring? Yes, I wanted something
really basic
830
00:42:16,380 --> 00:42:18,660
and you were like,
"No, let's push the boat out
831
00:42:18,660 --> 00:42:20,500
"and get something really special."
832
00:42:20,500 --> 00:42:22,420
Really?! Your exact words were,
833
00:42:22,420 --> 00:42:26,780
"It must cost at least a quarter of
a million pounds."
834
00:42:32,060 --> 00:42:33,300
Ah, yes...
835
00:42:34,220 --> 00:42:38,220
Bonjour. Je m'appelle
His Royal Highness Prince William.
836
00:42:38,300 --> 00:42:40,500
Oh, you speak English, thanks.
837
00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:43,740
Look, I need to speak to the
President of the EU - right now!
838
00:42:46,341 --> 00:42:47,357
He hanged up!
839
00:42:47,780 --> 00:42:49,140
What are you worried about?
840
00:42:49,140 --> 00:42:51,980
None of the greasy-gob continentals
watched it.
841
00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:54,300
Someone did! Or something.
842
00:42:54,900 --> 00:42:57,100
The EU have deployed a
fully-automated defence system
843
00:42:57,100 --> 00:42:59,580
and they're about to
launch a nuclear attack!
844
00:43:02,700 --> 00:43:03,380
What?!
845
00:43:04,460 --> 00:43:06,540
If only we hadn't voted to leave the EU
846
00:43:06,540 --> 00:43:09,620
we'd be privy to their discussions
about a nuclear attack.
847
00:43:09,620 --> 00:43:11,300
Oh, shut up! There must be something
we can do!
848
00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:13,340
I know it's bad, but with my debts
personally,
849
00:43:13,340 --> 00:43:15,220
this couldn't have come at a better
time.
850
00:43:15,220 --> 00:43:19,220
Oh, if only I had the password to get
in, I might be able to do something.
851
00:43:19,220 --> 00:43:21,980
Everyone, get to the nuclear bunker!
852
00:43:21,980 --> 00:43:23,540
We haven't got one any more.
853
00:43:23,540 --> 00:43:26,740
After the Cold War, it was converted
into a health club and spa.
854
00:43:26,740 --> 00:43:28,580
There's been a spa here the whole
time?
855
00:43:28,580 --> 00:43:30,460
Do you think we've got time for a
hot-stone rub?
856
00:43:30,460 --> 00:43:31,740
Oh, yes, please!
857
00:43:31,740 --> 00:43:34,020
But I only get one shot at it.
858
00:43:34,020 --> 00:43:34,980
Here goes...
859
00:43:40,380 --> 00:43:41,540
I've got a suggestion.
860
00:43:45,100 --> 00:43:47,700
Kate! It's the EU, try -
861
00:43:47,700 --> 00:43:49,060
Farage is a wanker.
862
00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:50,780
Don't listen to her,
she's unbalanced!
863
00:43:50,780 --> 00:43:52,620
Trust me, Wills, you know it makes
sense.
864
00:43:59,540 --> 00:44:00,700
Oh, you did it!
865
00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:04,380
Well done, Kate. Well, I knew you
weren't unbalanced really.
866
00:44:04,380 --> 00:44:05,660
Of course she's not.
867
00:44:05,660 --> 00:44:08,180
She can hum the
theme tune to Black Beauty.
868
00:44:10,060 --> 00:44:14,434
'I am Gargantuan, the EU's automatic
defence system.
869
00:44:14,460 --> 00:44:16,820
'One minute until missile launch.'
870
00:44:22,986 --> 00:44:25,780
You didn't mind missing Doctor Who
to do this, did you?
871
00:44:25,780 --> 00:44:29,700
It's just nice to think of everyone
else having a great time.
872
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:31,660
Yeah, that's the main thing.
873
00:44:31,660 --> 00:44:34,260
Um, do you fancy a drink?
874
00:44:34,260 --> 00:44:36,380
Oh, I don't drink. Cheeky spliff?
875
00:44:36,380 --> 00:44:37,700
Oh, I don't smoke.
876
00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:39,060
And I'm a virgin.
877
00:44:39,980 --> 00:44:41,540
A virgin?!
878
00:44:41,540 --> 00:44:43,620
And I intend to stay one until
I'm married.
879
00:44:44,820 --> 00:44:47,300
And possibly afterwards, as well.
880
00:44:50,940 --> 00:44:51,700
Harry?
881
00:44:52,047 --> 00:44:56,220
NO! Only the Prime Minister can
declare war, it was just Dad!
882
00:44:56,220 --> 00:44:58,340
'No, the Head of State declares war,
883
00:44:58,340 --> 00:45:00,660
'and Prince Charles is your acting
Head of State.'
884
00:45:00,660 --> 00:45:02,260
Look, the title is Head of State,
885
00:45:02,260 --> 00:45:04,220
but Monarch is just a ceremonial
position.
886
00:45:04,220 --> 00:45:06,860
'Does not compute.
What would be the point?'
887
00:45:06,860 --> 00:45:09,580
I don't know. We're just a weird
hangover from the past,
888
00:45:09,580 --> 00:45:12,260
like the Channel Islands
or televised snooker.
889
00:45:12,260 --> 00:45:15,100
We can advise.
We're the ones who open Parliament.
890
00:45:15,100 --> 00:45:17,420
Oh, they could do that without us.
We've got the keys!
891
00:45:17,420 --> 00:45:20,140
'But the Monarch has to ratify all
your legislation.'
892
00:45:20,140 --> 00:45:21,500
It's just a rubber stamp,
893
00:45:21,500 --> 00:45:24,100
the royal veto hasn't been used
since the 1700s.
894
00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:27,420
'Interesting, but I need to hear
this from Prince Charles.'
895
00:45:27,420 --> 00:45:31,140
Father, sit there and tell them we
are completely irrelevant.
896
00:45:31,140 --> 00:45:32,740
It's the only way to stop a nuclear
war!
897
00:45:32,740 --> 00:45:35,140
But I'm the Evening Standard
Londoner of the Decade.
898
00:45:35,165 --> 00:45:35,943
Do it!
899
00:45:41,580 --> 00:45:44,460
If not for me, if not for the
country...
900
00:45:45,752 --> 00:45:46,738
for Christmas.
901
00:45:49,020 --> 00:45:49,980
All right.
902
00:45:51,980 --> 00:45:53,300
I'm utterly irrelevant.
903
00:45:53,860 --> 00:45:56,140
'I'm going to need that again
to match the voice.'
904
00:45:57,700 --> 00:45:59,420
I'm totally pointless.
905
00:45:59,420 --> 00:45:59,980
'Three...'
906
00:46:00,980 --> 00:46:03,020
I'm completely useless! 'Two...'
907
00:46:03,020 --> 00:46:05,260
My whole life is a waste of time!
908
00:46:05,260 --> 00:46:05,980
'One...
909
00:46:07,345 --> 00:46:09,100
'Launch protocols.
910
00:46:10,980 --> 00:46:12,020
'Halted.'
911
00:46:12,020 --> 00:46:14,180
Oh! Oh, it worked!
912
00:46:14,180 --> 00:46:17,140
I did it, I saved the day again.
913
00:46:20,500 --> 00:46:21,700
Pips, where are you going?
914
00:46:22,460 --> 00:46:24,140
Look, if this is about Ellie...
915
00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:26,740
I'm not interested, Harry.
916
00:46:26,740 --> 00:46:28,180
But there's nothing going on.
917
00:46:28,180 --> 00:46:30,100
She's too much of a goody two-shoes.
918
00:46:30,100 --> 00:46:31,340
So that's not an act?
919
00:46:31,340 --> 00:46:33,420
No, she really is that dull.
920
00:46:33,420 --> 00:46:35,580
Well, it's too late,
too much has happened.
921
00:46:35,580 --> 00:46:36,820
What?
922
00:46:36,820 --> 00:46:38,580
It's only been four hours.
923
00:46:38,580 --> 00:46:42,060
I met someone. One of the tramps.
924
00:46:42,060 --> 00:46:43,340
The one who lost his memory.
925
00:46:44,140 --> 00:46:46,220
But I forget things all the time.
926
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:48,260
Your birthday. My name.
927
00:46:48,260 --> 00:46:49,940
That's not the point.
928
00:46:49,940 --> 00:46:52,900
He's handsome. He likes triathlons.
929
00:46:52,900 --> 00:46:56,060
And - not that it matters -
has ?2 billion.
930
00:46:57,860 --> 00:46:59,140
It's over, Harry.
931
00:47:02,860 --> 00:47:04,340
Pippa...
932
00:47:07,420 --> 00:47:08,580
..I love you.
933
00:47:12,500 --> 00:47:16,460
Oh, Kate, I'm sorry about trying
to have you lobotomised,
934
00:47:16,460 --> 00:47:17,740
it was wrong of me.
935
00:47:17,740 --> 00:47:20,580
And it was wrong of me to try and
cook Christmas lunch.
936
00:47:21,260 --> 00:47:22,740
Friends? Friends.
937
00:47:27,420 --> 00:47:28,260
Phoof.
938
00:47:29,180 --> 00:47:31,820
This has been the worst Christmas
since Windsor Castle burnt down.
939
00:47:31,820 --> 00:47:32,740
And do you know what?
940
00:47:33,700 --> 00:47:34,740
It's been my favourite.
941
00:47:35,420 --> 00:47:38,700
Hey, let's sing a traditional
Windsors' Christmas song.
942
00:47:39,305 --> 00:47:45,452
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