Original subtitles

Are you pushing it?

- Push it! - I have fingers! It just goes, "Bing."

Is it "bing" or "bing?"

Bing. Bing. It's a bad bing.

Makes the sound of terminal cancer,

or my mother pressing me for an intimate lunch.

Got it.

Is this video thingy gonna work now? 'Cause it's important.

You like these shoes? You bought 'em

for my birthday last week.

Great. Now you can eat the leaves at the top of the tree.

Half giraffe, half drag queen, honey.

Hi. It's me, Bryan Collins.

But you won't know me as that.

You will know me as... Dad.

Maybe even Daddy.

Oh, God, I think I would just die if you called me Daddy.

Um...

this video is to show you...

how desperately you were wanted.

And how much we love you.

You're our baby.

We are just so excited to meet you.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

I should go back to the beginning.

See, this fairytale began in a faraway land called Ohio,

where four very different people,

against all odds, ended up becoming a family.

Would you look at that?

Just strutting down the middle

of Buck Eye Road in broad daylight,

proud as gay peacocks.

- Why shouldn't they be, Nana? - Don't call me that.

- I don't look old enough to be a grandmother. - Great-grandmother.

I happen to love the gays. I could never get my hair

- to look this good without 'em. - Seems like they love each other, so...

Oh, and now with the PDA?

Those ass campers have some nerve.

Nana, those are lesbians.

Those are ugly men.

Oh.

- What did you forget this time? - My name tag.

- I need it for work. - I don't understand.

You were always so pretty.

You're almost as pretty as I was

at your age, and then you...

you got knocked up.

You pissed it all away.

You wasted your entire life.

Thanks for the pep talk, Nana.

You were a year older than me when you had my mom.

I was married. I thought

your mother was a fibroid tumor.

By the time I figured it out,

she had a face, and I was screwed.

So, if I actually plan to have a baby someday,

that would be a family first?

I should have become a nun.

Say it.

The United States is the most powerful country on Earth.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Goldie!

Baby, I... I can explain.

I was gone six minutes.

Six.

How is this even possible?

Was she hiding in the bushes when I left?

Tool shed.

- Oh. - Oh.

I buy it in bulk.

You'll need it for his tighty whiteys.

Let's just say, the man's not

real detail-oriented back there, so...

Oh, and, um... one last thing?

I've kind of given up on my life.

I forgot to dream.

I forgot I want it all.

Every last drop, and this...

this was the last push I needed to remember that, so thank you.

Congratulations.

He's all yours.

So, are you thinking about joining

the Brownies this year? Did I ever tell you

that I set my troop's record for cookie sales?

In spite of that Mindy Goldfarb trying to Jew down my customers.

Nana, you're a bigot.

I'm unfriending you right now.

I am extremely tolerant to all peoples.

When they opened that Chipotle here,

I was the first of my friends to go.

And that is Spanish food.

Still unfriended.

Now why are you crying?

Did you just realize that you were a grown woman

walking around in public in an apron?

My whole life, I've wanted to leave Clay,

and now I have the greatest excuse in the world.

Oh, please. You caught him singing Springsteen

on the toilet before.

Mmm, the man was on a date.

In my own bed.

What kind of closet space

are we talking about here?

I'm gonna need lots of room for my wigs.

You're not moving in unless you're real good at making food.

You, Hello Kitty, out.

Whoa. Hey.

- That is a toy, right? - You know something, Clay?

I have put up with you for the past nine years.

I've put up with your

ridiculous Fozzie Bear impersonations,

with your self-diagnosed narcolepsy.

No. That's real. It's not just naps.

I can't think of anything else to do except to kill you.

Now, unfortunately, I couldn't live in prison

without my Lean Cuisine.

So I am open to other options.

I've always found you to be really sexy, Nana.

Oh, put that gherkin away.

What's a gherkin?

A tiny pickle.

That's messed up.

Hey, baby?

You ever think about going someplace amazing?

Somewhere you've never, ever been before?

- Every single day. - Like where?

I want to drive to Hawaii.

I think we can make it to Honolulu on half a tank.

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Pretty good for Tex, and now he'll run with it...

Hey, babe.

Hey, no people food for Smelly.

Oh, he loves it.

I have to tell you something.

Got to wait till halftime, sweetie.

Is that when Madonna sings?

Okay, so, I was shopping...

A question for you.

Are you sure I don't look like Mary Tyler Moore in these?

Do you want to look like Mary Tyler Moore?

Well, not the hair, obviously,

but yes, yes, I do.

Mmm. Here we go. Five-yard line. Here we go.

- Money! Here we go! - Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, I will hurry it up, but I was just trying

- to paint you a picture. - Okay, what? Yes.

Oh, my God, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.

I must have it.

He is going to be a star...

Bry, we have to talk about your dieting.

Honey, when I saw that miniature person,

whose skin was flawless, by the way,

I really got it.

I want us

to have baby clothes...

and a baby to wear them.

He's got the first down and more!

Past the 45, out of bounds at the 47...

Sweetie, you know you can't return a baby to Barneys.

David... look,

you are the kindest man

I have ever had the pleasure to love.

You would be an amazing father.

You would feed the child,

and bathe him and care for him in the middle of the night

when he has rubella, or anything else contagious.

- How do you know what rubella is? - Little House On the Prairie.

Oh. What would you do?

- Me? - Mmm.

I'm the fun dad.

Oh.

- I don't know. - My dad screwed me up

pretty good. What do you think two dads would do to a kid?

You really think it's such a good idea to bring a kid

into the world with such a nontraditional family?

I know somebody else from a nontraditional family.

A Halfrican-American who was raised by a grandma.

And that person seems to be doing just fine.

Oh, yeah. Barack Obama.

No. Mariah Carey, but your example works, too.

Look around. Your definition

of traditional might need a refresh.

Check her out. She's old enough

to be their grandmother, but she wanted them

so badly, she dusted off her dinosaur eggs.

I was a whore for a long time.

I mean, I slept with everyone.

I acted like a kid for too long.

Just wasn't ready to have one.

By the time I was ready, I couldn't find the right man.

When I gave up looking for him, I found me.

And then, with the help of a lot of drugs, them.

Hey.

My husband's regular-sized,

so there was a 50% chance

that my daughter would be a part-time Christmas elf like me.

I told my husband, we didn't have to have kids.

We didn't have to risk it.

My husband said that he loves me,

so why wouldn't she be loved in this world?

She's gonna be taller than me this year.

Face it, honey.

Abnormal is the new normal.

So, thank you so much for coming over to the house.

That's just one of the many benefits

of being a Platinum Member of Expanding Families.

- Oh. - That,

And the stunning models I put in your VIP egg file.

- Models. - Real...?

One of our recent clients... a very famous

designer who I'm wearing,

- but I can't reveal... - Jessica Simpson.

Yeah, you're saying I'm wearing mom jeans?

No, thank you. No, this is a man.

- Oh. - He wanted to make sure

That his egg donor was not a fatty.

- Sure. - We did a worldwide search, and I threw

Some of the sloppy seconds your way.

All right, what-what...

what about the things that matter,

like intelligence, or the ability for cognitive thought?

Uh, something that would give the kid a shot at being

head of the Mathletes, like I was.

I would like

a skinny, blond child

who doesn't cry.

- Is this extra? - It's impossible.

Not for our Platinum Members.

- I knew it. - You can't be serious.

Here's how it works.

You click through our egg donor files,

find your match, create a perfect embryo,

and then implant it in a surrogate.

She's just like an Easy-Bake Oven,

except with no legal rights to the cupcake.

Now, who's gonna be the bio dad?

- I am. - I am.

Uh-oh.

I'm kind of nervous, babe. This is a big deal.

We're picking the biological mother of our child.

Oh, my God, we have 80 choices.

First up is...

100 pounds gone. Just 100 pounds to go.

Bless.

I'm really into sci-fi,

but not the Green Goblin.

Obviously.

Trust me, I recognize the irony.

Nine abortions, and here I am.

I like her.

Hi. My name is Abby.

People say I look a lot like Gwyneth Paltrow...

- Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! - I got it! I got it! I got it!

Well, this is as far west as we could go without driving

into the water. Oh.

- Mom? - What?

What were your dreams

before you and Daddy accidentally had me?

Uh, best accident ever.

You don't have to say that

every time. I get it.

No one plans to have a kid when they're 15.

Unless they're in an extremist Christian cult.

Uh... well...

I wanted to be a lawyer.

An independent woman who didn't need a man,

and wear these expensive suits,

like Julianna Margulies in The Good Wife,

but without the disgraced husband.

Based on the facts of my compelling argument,

and use of big words, like ipso facto, I respectfully request

you return a verdict of not guilty as charged.

Yes!

Not guilty. Whatever she says.

I agree. She's too good. Case dismissed.

So, why can't that still be your dream?

'Cause today my dream is...

is wishing I didn't have to tell you

that the last three days are all I can afford.

I can't do this by myself, sweetheart.

I wish I could.

I'm sorry.

You don't ever have to say that to me.

Say it to yourself.

Hi.

Oh, so you finally decided to take my call.

What happened? Did the police pick you up?

You called the police?

- You stole my car. - I'm sorry, but does

- The washer-dryer unit come with the house? - If it's not

On the flyer, no one knows. Just make an offer.

You are a selfish, spoiled child.

You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you.

I had to ride the bus today... the bus.

I was sitting next to a man with no arms.

He was drinking a thermos full of mushroom soup

with these little stublets coming out of his shoulder.

It was like watching Flipper try to drink a beer.

Why do I have to spend

my entire life making up

for everyone else's mistakes?

You don't.

Not anymore.

I keep staying with you,

thinking things will change for me and Shania, but...

but the thing is, if-if I don't change, nothing ever will.

We're not coming home, Nana.

Wait, what?

Isn't technology amazing?

We created fully formed embryos with Gwyneth Paltrow's twin

and just popped 'em into you to grow.

To you, Melissa, our caring, nurturing surrogate.

Our little swimmers are duking it out already.

May the best sperm win.

- Can't believe we could already be daddies. - I know.

My God, my heart is beating fast.

Feel that... that's not normal.

I just want to assure you guys

that I will do everything in my power to take care

of myself and in turn be

a loving host to your precious child.

Melissa, I just want to let you know

that we will be here for you

during every step of the pregnancy.

If there is anything that you need,

please do not hesitate to ask.

Yeah, I can Skype at work.

Thank you.

You are so sweet.

I need a BMW.

- I'm sorry? - I don't understand.

Let me help you. Excuse me.

I'd like a gin and tonic.

Uh-oh, that's alcohol.

You can't drink when you're pregnant.

I'll also have the yellowtail carpaccio.

That's raw. Uh, there are parasites.

You have to think of the baby.

- Anything else? - Just an ashtray. Thank you.

You guys should think of the good of your baby.

So, a powerboat and the world's

largest truffle by close of business tomorrow

or... I light up, you got it?

- This is uterine blackmail. - It's a great idea, isn't it?

- Just give me the cigarettes. - You're blackmailing us?

You guys are gross.

♪ Baby love, my baby love. ♪

Oh, babe, he has your nose.

We can have that fixed.

He's making that face like he needs to go potty.

David, that's you.

- He just went. - Well...

- Come here. Oh. - Oh, yeah.

He looks like me when I was a puppy.

It's Gary.

Yes.

Hi, Bryan, it's Gary Snyder, Expanding Families.

How are you?

I just want to apologize again for the incident that occurred

with your previous surrogate choice.

We had no idea.

Celine Dion gave her a great reference.

Well, we dropped the litigation

when we found out the womb terrorist wasn't pregnant.

Well, we have a new surrogate,

and I am absolutely confident

she'd be perfect for your needs.

- Why don't you just come in and meet her? - Please?

I'm great at being pregnant.

I had tons of energy and no morning sickness.

Having Shania is the most successful thing

I've done in my life so far.

- Any family history of cancer? - No.

He's a doctor for lady bits.

- A gay-necologist. - Good for you.

Syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia?

Not even HPV, and you can throw a cat

and hit a girl with that.

Checks out beautifully.

So why, then, does a beautiful, smart, seemingly sane person

want to gestate someone else's child?

Well, $35,000 is a huge chunk of money.

I need a way to change my daughter's life.

I want to go to law school someday.

And you have no problem with doing this for two men?

No moral issue with that?

Oh, no, I requested a gay couple.

I was driving, and I overheard a deranged homeless woman

saying not so nice things

about a lesbian couple, but all I could think was,

a family is a family.

And love is love.

Well, I just have one more question for you.

- Uh-huh. - Are you now or have you ever been

A secret operative for the Republican Party?

We screened for that.

Okay.

- I love that Goldie. - I don't know.

She reminds me of me

when I first came to L.A. to make it.

I did like that daughter of hers.

I'm less sold on her.

I want us to have a baby.

At some point, we just got to move past the setbacks.

So, what's stopping you?

I don't know.

It's just sinking in that babies have no teeth.

They're all gums.

I don't want our sperm to be competitive.

I don't want our sperm

to do some crazy genetic race.

What are you talking about?

When did you make this decision?

I have four masculine brothers and one masculine sister.

You're an only child.

It's more important for you to create something

that's yours biologically to recognize.

Not being the baby's bio dad

doesn't make me any less of a dad.

You'd do that for me?

No, for me.

We need more people like you walking around in the world.

Plus, then I'll get to lord it over you forever.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

Now, go make me macaroni and cheese

so we can get started on my foot rub.

Okay.

Thank you.

Your embryos are ready for implantation.

Now, as a doctor, David has indicated he'd like

to witness the procedure if that's okay with you, Goldie.

Sure. He'll be more involved than the dad was

last time I got pregnant.

I'd love you to be there, too, Bryan.

Oh, no, no, I faint at the sight of vagina.

They're like tarantula faces.

Oh. Can my daughter stay with me?

Oh, no, honey, don't you worry about anything.

I'll watch your little cutie here.

You just go get yourself knocked up.

Me and Lady Pants will chill out.

Do everything I wouldn't do.

These pants were very expensive.

To me, they don't look like that.

Any second thoughts?

I'm good.

How about you?

- Oh, me? - Yeah.

I mean, having a baby is a huge step.

Everything in your life is gonna be covered

in poop, spit-up and drool.

It'll be a bit like living with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Oh, my God, you're crying.

No, I'm not crying.

I haven't cried since I got second place

in the sixth grade science fair.

I'm always the guy that everyone counts on.

I mean, when do I get a chance to fall apart?

Well, now is a real good time.

At work I'm a rock, and at home I'm a rock.

I'm like what Simon and Garfunkel

would refer to as an island.

Are those the doctors you work with?

Oh, my God.

You know, I've delivered

a thousand babies in my life,

and I don't think I've ever held one

that's over four minutes old.

What if I'm not ready to be a dad?

I became a mom in a Rite Aid bathroom.

I had to borrow 25 cents to get into the stall.

You're way ahead of the game.

David,

you are going to be an amazing dad.

Excuse me. Someone's here for you.

Claims not to be your nana.

How... how'd you find me?

I have been hot on your trail for days.

This one led me straight to you.

They're in Venice Beach, California.

Twitter stamped their location.

You people are so darn good with computers.

And thanks for helping build the railroads.

Who cares how?

There is a giant

homosexual elephant in the room.

Listen, ma'am, I know it's a lot

to digest, but my partner and I

cannot have a child

the traditional way,

and Goldie here wants to carry ours for us.

Oh, Bryan, I hauled my ass

all the way across town to bring you these damn eggs.

Oh, no.

You are not growing one of her kind of eggs

in my granddaughter.

Oh, no, sweetie, these are poached.

What the hell you mean, my kind of eggs?

The last time I checked, this diamond-speckled watch

my gay boss bought me

without his consent, it was 2012.

Now, why don't you take your Callista Gingrich hairdo

and your racist mind back to the past

or the South where they belong?

Guys, you know this whole thing

just went live streaming on Twitter?

Nana, I want to help this family.

I feel like I just ate a black and gay stew

right before I fell asleep.

- This is a nightmare. - No,

This ain't a nightmare, but I'm gonna

pinch you real good to make sure.

Goldie, have you lost your damn mind?

What are you doing, helping these salami-smokers?

- Wow. - That's a good one. That's new.

It is so wrong, and have you even thought

about what kind of message you are sending your daughter?

That you can be whatever you want to be

no matter how many people tell you that you're nothing.

It is not normal.

The baby I want to carry for David and Bryan will have

two loving parents who desperately want a child.

Who are you to say that's not normal?

Because I lived it.

Okay, here goes.

Your grandfather had a friend who worked for him

at the pet store for many years.

Uncle Leon, with all the puffy hair?

I never could stand

going into that store.

That Leon gave every hamster

in the store some queer name from a Broadway musical.

He was always like,

"Rum Tum Tugger was chewing on Auntie Mame's tail."

- What the hell is she talking about? - One day,

My old Chrysler leaked oil all over my driveway,

so I had to go down to the pet store and get a bag

of kitty litter to soak it up.

I walked through the back door, and I saw them together.

Oh, Nana.

Leon stood there with his private parts dangling

for all the parakeets to laugh at.

Am I being punked?

That man didn't love me.

- That man loved a man. - So, what did you do?

I stayed with him for ten more years,

and I helped him build his Beanie Baby collection.

Now, Goldie, I am begging you, please,

let's just go get Goggles

and get back in the car and go home.

I'm sorry, Nana.

We're staying.

I need to help these guys... and myself.

Goldie's mama ran away and ditched her with me

when she was just eight years old.

Three generations of babies raising babies.

Earlier, when you referred

to the homosexual elephant in the room,

you were talking about David, right?

Okay, we are here waiting to find out if we made you.

I'm so excited, I haven't eaten in two days.

Thanks to you, I'm wearing my skinny jeans.

Does it say anything yet?

Remember, one line... not pregnant,

two lines... pregnant.

I just peed. I'm waiting.

Say something to the baby, Daddy David.

- What, what, what...? - Come on.

We don't know anything yet.

And there's the lady who made you possible.

Hi. This is the longest three minutes of my life.

Oh, now's the perfect time for the thing.

- Oh, the thing. - Get the thing.

One second.

What?

Yes, come here.

Guys.

It's your lawyer suit. I helped pick it.

And then I re-picked it

with far fewer feathers and bangles.

We want to help make your dreams come true.

'Cause you're helping us with ours.

But what if it doesn't work?

What if that stick says I'm not pregnant?

Honey, it doesn't matter what it says.

This whole thing only started feeling real after we met you.

You gave us...

You gave me hope.

Now I know how to be a dad.

The only question is: when?

Now, what the hell does that stick say?

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