Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, let's try some big smiles on this one, all right?

Big smiles, everyone.

Dina, would you like to smile for this one?

No.

Dina, please.

Smiling would insinuate that I support

what's happening right now, which I truly do not.

Oh, so documenting the way our child

is coming into this world is wrong?

We have to document it

by dressing up as Alvin and the Chipmunks?

It's my favorite show, and Glenn is such a Theodore.

Yeah, I'm not a star.

I'm more supportive, and, of course,

Jerusha is such a Simon.

Well, I wear contact lenses now.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry. We have 15 minutes

left in the session, so we're gonna need to...

Okay, sorry, Dill.

All right, look, Dina, just smile,

and I'll give you 50 bucks.

Fine.

But I want to be Theodore.

Fine! I'll be stupid Alvin...

who can't follow rules

and always gets everyone in trouble.

Okay.

Big smiles, everyone.

Dina, you could show less teeth.

You get none or all of them, Dill.

Pick a speed.

♪

Aw, you're gonna make a great mom.

I'm just checking to see if this baby stuff is safe.

Why? Returned baby items all get destroyed anyway.

And it will be destroyed in about two to three years

after my baby is done using it.

Ah, so you're stealing it.

No, I'm not stealing it.

You can't steal something that's about to be destroyed.

That's like if somebody's dying and then you kill them.

Is that murder?

That's exactly what that is.

Well, baby stuff is really expensive,

and it's not like I can reuse anything I used with Emma.

Did you know that car seats expire?

It's plastic and metal.

- Can you hit the light, please? - Yeah.

- Oh. - Both: Ew.

Do you think that's urine or semen?

Which one of those would be okay?

I never thought of myself as photogenic,

but Dill really knows how to strengthen a collapsed chin.

So, in this one, you guys are chefs

waiting to eat the baby?

Yeah, but it's just a goof. We don't really want to eat it.

This one's a mystery.

Who's really the pregnant one?

I'm sorry, hold up. I got to go back.

Wouldn't the chefs be preparing the food, not waiting to eat it?

Well, there... Dina...

maybe Dina's a new chef, and we're taste-testing

to see if we'd hire her.

And if you don't like the taste of the baby...

I don't know. We throw it away?

What, you'd throw your half-eaten baby in the trash?

Okay, I don't know! We didn't really talk about it!

Make sure to highlight my elbows.

They're my best feature.

Why didn't you just get Glenn's photographer

to take your Christmas card photo while you were there?

He was supposed to, but then he got a call

from his wife... something about a house fire?

I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.

I-I just want a card that will blow my ugly sister

Denise's card out of the water.

The one with restless leg syndrome?

That's not what makes her ugly, Sandra.

That's what makes her legs restless.

So then you just decided to go with this setup?

Hmm. Okay.

What... what's wrong with it? It's the tree, isn't it?

The tree sucks, right? Sandra picked out the tree.

It's October, so there weren't a lot of choices.

It's just feeling very 2003 Sears strip mall,

- if that makes any sense. - Uh, that makes perfect sense.

I would just make it less bad,

if that makes any sense.

- Uh-huh. - Like, what if...

"Miracle on 34th Street" took place

on the first day of the L.A. riots?

Let's find out.

Oh, wow, cute car seat.

Most moms are afraid to buy this one

because of the safety issues, but I love it.

What safety issues?

Oh, you don't know?

Well, just that, like, in an accident,

it's prone to, um, what's the word...

crumpling?

It's kind of a mess.

They... they found babies just littered on the pavement.

Sometimes they're just lying there...

inside out.

Oh, my God. Are they dead?

Well, they're inside out, so I hope so.

But if that makes you uncomfortable,

you could always return this one for a safer car seat.

Oh, no, it's fine.

It's just a gift for my stupid neighbor.

Inside-out babies?

Yeah, that one got away from me... it went a little dark.

Okay, well, I have an idea.

- You're probably gonna hate it. - Love that confidence.

I'm making you a baby shower registry.

Ew. God, no. I hate baby showers.

I hate the... the stupid games and the... the dumb decorations

and people touching your belly, saying,

"Oh, my God. You're so big," as if that's a thing

you're allowed to say to people, which it's not.

Okay, well, I'm not saying you actually have the baby shower,

but if you create a registry, then tomorrow

when your "baby shower" is over,

you can get everything on the registry for 20% off.

No, that's not gonna work.

Yeah, what if... hmm...

There's a small chance this might be a good idea.

Right? Plus, you get the little welcome box

with the diapers and the wipes and stuff...

all free.

Damn it.

I really want to hate this idea, but I'm into it.

- I know. I'm sorry. - So annoying.

This doesn't seem Christmas-y.

So the idea there is post-apocalyptic Christmas.

Like, what if the Grinch had succeeded

in conquering Whoville and Cindy Lou Who grew up,

got boobs, and was leading a resistance?

Like, not that exactly, but in that area.

I don't want to be insulting,

but are we sure that idea is not just pure gay nonsense?

Dina...

I am trying to give you something original,

something that will make ugly Denise

want to walk into the ocean.

Can you please just trust me?

Honestly, that's gonna be tough.

I've always had this weird thing about people with glasses.

When I was younger, a nearsighted man bit me.

You know what? It's a long story.

I-I got hep A. I'm okay now, but...

All right, let's see what else you got.

Okay, this next outfit answers the question,

what if Cogsworth from "Beauty and the Beast"...

was a hot tween?

I haven't heard from my parents since the volcano.

I'm starting to get a little worried.

You're so lucky.

Bo's mom calls, like, all the time.

Oh, my God. What?

Amy, why didn't you tell me you were having a baby shower?

What? No, I'm... I'm not.

Then why did your registry pop up on the system?

It says your shower's today.

Here's your complimentary gift box.

Hmm. It's smaller than I thought it'd be.

Wait, Amy's having a baby shower?

- Mm-hmm. - Why wasn't I invited?

None of us were.

Okay, look, what happened was,

I actually had a really smart idea...

Okay, please, I find that hard to believe.

- So did I. - Sarah, Sayid...

Amy's throwing a baby shower, and none of were invited.

What the hell, Amy?

Sayid, you started, like, two days ago.

Well, I'm having a pool party this weekend,

and you're not invited.

Sarah, Sayid, you coming to my pool party?

I don't want to go.

I want to go to Amy's baby shower.

She doesn't want us!

♪

Why can't I just delete the registry?

Tap... tap the screen harder. That'll do it.

I have another idea,

and there's a chance you may not love it.

Oh, I don't see how that could possibly be true.

What if you did have a baby shower?

I'm not saying some big, elaborate party, okay?

Just, like, a quick ten-minute thing in the break room...

no games, no belly touching, no one feels excluded,

and you get a bunch of gifts.

Well, obviously I like the gifts part.

The gifts part is not the problem.

How much is that Pack 'n Play?

80? Eh, I guess that's not that bad.

Well, I mean, at this point,

it feels like people would be disappointed

if I didn't have the shower.

This party-loving group? For sure.

And, really, who am I to take a party away from them?

You're a good friend.

Yeah.

Yes, now just reach out and touch the polar bear, okay?

You're not afraid.

He just ate a seal so he's not gonna eat you.

Like... like this?

Yes!

Ah, now try smiling, but only using your eyes and ears.

Yes, bitch! You are killing it. Oh!

Okay.

What do you think?

Wow.

These pictures make me jealous

of everyone I've ever had sex with.

- Mm-hmm. - What do you think? Should we...

take a couple more?

I'm very comfortable with nudity.

It was just gonna be a small thing with family,

so I didn't want to tell anybody,

but then I realized

that you guys are like my second family.

Aw, like the one that my dad has.

Kind of. Yeah.

So, you know, it's just gonna be

a real quick little thing in the break room here...

just a fast, quick, easy, not-long shower.

That sounds amazing.

What's your hand size?

Uh, w-why?

Well, I've been getting into making fancy lady gloves lately.

I think I have one I can show you.

Oh, uh...

For my gift, I don't think I can fit your entire name on a piece of rice,

but I do think I can probably get an A on there.

Or just give her three pieces of rice.

No, guys, all of this sounds like

a lot of work for what is, again,

a small, fast, quick, little, not-big-deal shower.

So you guys can just grab something off the registry,

anything... doesn't even matter what.

It's like, I think there's still a car seat on there.

Here it is.

- Oh. - Just imagine your hand in it.

Just have it say, uh, "congrats on the baby."

You have five bucks? I can do curses for you.

I-I think just, uh, what I said is good.

Hey.

I heard Amy's having a baby shower.

Ah, well, it's barely a shower.

It's a... it's a trickle. It's a baby trickle.

That sounds wonderful.

Hey, you know who likes baby showers?

Jerusha.

Yeah, well, you...

you guys should totally have one, you know.

Yeah, it's just that we haven't

really had time to plan anything for the baby,

'cause, you know, I've been in the weeds

trying to set up the Nest Cam.

It keeps picking up a feed from another baby...

or a ghost.

W-well, if you need help with the Nest Cam...

Yeah, it just...

God, if there was another baby shower

that was happening already

that we could piggyback on,

that would be so...

great.

Yeah, well...

And, believe me, I would say,

uh, you guys should join this one, but...

That's a great idea. Oh, my...

Oh, my God. Jerush'a gonna be so happy.

Right, but it's... it's just, like, a quick, little,

ten-minute thing in the break room after work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it's a double baby shower.

The break room's not big enough.

You're gonna need space for the chocolate fountain

and the balloon arch and the juice luge.

- Hey, honey? - No, that...

Guess what.

You're a young girl from Nazareth.

You're pregnant with Jesus,

and you're trying to make a go of it in a new city.

- But you're lost! - Oh.

You're lost in New York!

Let me know if this is too much!

No, it's good!

I feel like I'm European!

What?

I'm having a really good time with you!

Okay.

This really has nothing to do with Christmas,

but it's very important to me that we do this.

Hey, what's up, Dina?

I need you to sign this, uh...

- Sign what? - What?

Garrett, please. This is a hot set!

Oh, yeah. No, I know. It's just...

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm cool.

- Garrett! - Huh?

Oh, yeah.

No worries, I'm out of here.

Oh.

All right, well, I'll see y'all later.

Hang ten.

- Just something small, huh? - I felt guilty.

You know I have too much empathy.

Jerusha's friends are the creepiest.

Don't you remember the shrimp boil?

There was all that mouth kissing.

- There was. - Yeah.

I can't believe this.

I was pregnant, and no one threw me a baby shower,

and now Jerusha gets one?

And she doesn't even work here.

Why don't you join this one?

I could add your name to the sign.

I mean, you already have the kid.

She already has the kid, so she doesn't want to...

No. No. That'd be awesome.

Really, Cheyenne? I mean, it's barely a shower.

There aren't gonna be any games.

Oh, I can handle the games.

I know, like, a million good ones,

and Bo knows a guy who owns a bunch of storks.

I don't know if that's helpful,

but when they get drunk, it's hilarious.

Super helpful.

Oh, this party's gonna be sick!

Yeah!

Look at all the food and different-colored cups.

This is really special.

Yep, and all the people.

- So many people. - Yeah, of course.

I mean, well, between you

and Cheyenne and Jerusha and Diane.

Diane?

You remember Diane from the shrimp boil.

I told her she could share our shower.

I hope that's okay.

Diane!

- Yoo-hoo. - Amy!

- Hi! - Hi.

Ooh.

Thank you so much for including me.

Oh, my gosh, look at your belly.

- Yep. - You've really popped.

Mm-hmm.

Let's see if I can find

your belly button on the first try.

- Oh. - Am I close?

No.

- Do me next! - Oh! Yeah...

♪

Placen-tacos. Caesarian salad.

Amniocen-Cheez-Its?

Why does every food need a theme name?

Baby Boy Wieners? Why even write that?

It's better with no sign.

Yo, what's up? Check out this dad-to-be loading up on snacks.

Got to keep that energy up, right, know what I'm saying?

- No idea what you're saying. - What?

Talking about J-Man here. Congrats on that baby, dog.

What's up? You know what?

Babies, they're the best, okay?

You can, like, sit 'em down and write stuff all over 'em.

They can't do nothing about it.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm not the...

It's... it's Adam.

Nah, but I saw that clip of two boning on the Internet.

You know what I'm saying? Wow!

Yeah.

She... she was already pregnant.

Whoa! What if you got her double pregnant?

Well, that's not really possible.

Well, we don't know it's impossible.

Yeah, that's true. We don't know know that

I didn't get Amy double pregnant.

I bet those babies are all up in Amy's stomach

just fighting it out.

Like, "Yo, baby, I was here first."

"Give me that freakin' umbilical cord, dog."

I'ma slurp it all up.

And we got it.

Great work, everyone.

Darren, I will see you Friday night at Zippers.

Okay, what do you think?

Oh, wow. I look like a hot, glowing Stanley Tucci.

- Yeah. - Sorry, redundant much, Dina.

- I know right. - So do you think we've got it?

These are good,

but I have one more really great idea.

Might seem a little crazy.

Do you trust me?

We're so lucky that Darren had this harness in his trunk, huh?

This is awesome.

Last but not least,

I need to thank my Uber driver, Dmitri,

for getting me here from Ponderosa so quickly.

If I could've given you six stars, I would have.

That was just beautiful, Jerusha.

Huh? Yeah.

Now I'm gonna pass the mic around

so that everyone has a chance to say something.

Dmitri, would you like to kick us off?

Actually, um...

how about we keep this party train rolling,

and next stop is the gifts.

Choo-choo.

Okay, somebody knows I love trains.

But gifts are like the caboose. They always come at the...

End!

But what if we shake it up and do it now?

Who wants to get crazy?

- Amy. - Sayid.

Mental illness is not a joke.

Jerusha's cousin is crazy.

He ate all of his fingernails off.

This is getting boring, yo. Sleep-sleep!

Yeah, let's play games!

Ah, seeing as you're husband-less,

do you want your partner to be Dmitri or... or Jonah?

This is nice and humiliating. I know. I'm sorry.

Could you spread your legs?

I'm having trouble getting in the...

uh, the undercarriage.

- I'll go around. - Yeah.

Yeah, dip, dip, dip! That's right. That's right.

My baby's getting all the nipples. What, what!

Yeah!

Jerusha? Jerusha, are you okay?

Can someone check on Jeru... Jerusha can't swim!

Okay, there we go.

Oh, God, what flavor is that?

It's peas and... Oh, it's expired.

Uh, don't eat the baby food. The baby food is bad.

It's bad.

There he is!

Come one, Glenn! You can do it!

Whoo, Glenn, you won!

That's my big, strong daddy! Oh, no, no, no, hell, no.

You knocked over that cone back there, dog... I want a rematch.

No, no, no, it's... it's okay. Let's calm down.

It's just a game. What? Just a game, huh?

Just a game this, all right?

Well... hey, Bo.

Bo.

♪

And Kevin knew they were gonna rob Mr. Duncan's toy store,

so we threw a rock through the window.

I can't believe his mom forgot him again.

Ugh. You know, some women just shouldn't be parents.

There, I said it.

Oh.

I need a new memory card. BRB.

- ♪ And the bee drank tea ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ And the snake ate cake ♪ - ♪ Yeah, slither, slither ♪

♪ Boom, yeah ♪

This party is never going to end.

And I don't even care about the gifts anymore.

I just want to get out of here. How do we get out of here?

- You could go into labor. - I've been trying.

Excuse me, I have a delivery here.

Oh, I didn't know we had a delivery scheduled for today.

You know what? Actually, that is my delivery.

I have been waiting for that.

Amy, are you sure?

You haven't even had your caricature done by Diane yet.

Oh, uh, yeah, I'm sure.

So I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to the party.

It means so much.

Jonah, if you could grab the gifts on the way out.

We can go handle this in the warehouse.

Oh, that's okay.

We can just take care of it right here. Did you order...

- a baby? - Oh.

No, I did not order...

- This was not me. - Yeah, I know,

'cause I ordered this baby stripper for Cheyenne, yo.

Amy, you got to Venmo me half of this, okay?

Do babies do that?

Okay, that's... could you...

Oh, what's this?

I still think this was a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

- I mean, I-I'm enjoying myself. - Oh, well, good.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

It was all worth it.

Uh-oh, I think it's tummy time.

- Uh-oh. - Oh, yes it is.

- Oh, no, no... - Now I'm having a good time.

I thought he was... No, I'm... I'm good. Thanks.

You're... that's...

So how did the rest of the photo shoot go with Dina?

Sounds good.

Mateo!

Can you hear me?

I trust you, but I really need to pee.

This quaint little village is about to get flooded.

What could this one be?

Oh, thank you, Sayid.

It is Amy with a Y, though.

It's not my fault. We just met.

That is very true. Yeah.

Uh, I will just... I'll put this my other...

wood.

Okay, well, I think that was the last one,

so thank you all so much for my gifts.

It was really nice of you...

Oh, wait, you forgot ours.

Oh, uh, an embroidered badger.

Awesome.

Oh, no, no, no, this is for Diane.

Sorry, we just got you something off the registry.

Oh, my God. It's the car seat.

You can swap with Diane if you want.

No, no! No. No, no, I, um... I actually really like this.

Not that I didn't like this stuff,

although some of it was garbage.

Not, like, trash garbage.

Just, like, I can actually use this,

and I really, really love it.

- Oh, good. - Thank you so much.

Thank you.

So how long have you guys been dating?

Who? No... What?

That's... Uh-uh.

That's not... Why would you...

How did you know?

You just seem really happy for the first time in a while.

- Huh. - I'm playing, man.

I saw you guys making out in the parking lot last week.

Congratulations, though.

Sandra! Sandra!

Oh, finally. Come get me down.

Oh, thank God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, no.

Are you serious?

Oh, I respect you as much as I hate you right now.

Oh. Sandra!

Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com