Original subtitles

My progeny has joined the ranks of the graduated.

- You applied those schools for me? - A few fallbacks too. Just in case.

You're not my mother, you're not in-charge of who I talk to

and you're sure as shit not in-charge of if I go to college!

V: We've been banging like bunnies and I can't get pregnant.

What will you do?

BOTH: Are you out of your fucking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

Wham, bam, thank you, Mom.

- What are you doing wearing my top? - Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

- It's the thing boys like about you. - You mean tits?

I think you might be a year or two off.

Are you gonna marry someone who screws guys for a living?

Who gives a shit? It's a fucking piece of paper.

IAN: You love me. Just this once, fucking admit it.

IAN: I want to enlist.

When's the next bus to basic combat training?

MAN: Tomorrow morning.

- Phillip. - It's Lip.

MAN: It's just Gallagher now. Get on.

I was wondering if you'd seen Jimmy lately?

Any sign of conflict or things not going his way,

and he just disappears. It's what he does.

- Be a man. - Get onto the boat.

Can I just make one phone call to Fiona, please?

Last message I promise.

Wherever you are, bye.

- WOMAN: You the temp? - FIONA: Yes.

Fiona Gallagher.

Mr. Pratt is asking for a word with you.

FIONA: Let me guess, he's the boss?

WOMAN: Not the big boss, but he is a supervisor, yes.

We sort of ditched the party.

Well, then, you'd better behave yourself

because I am way too drunk

not to invite you back to my tent right now.

FIONA: He said if you don't stop drinking you're gonna die.

So I'm supposed to stop drinking so that you don't feel guilty?

FIONA: You're supposed to stop drinking

because you have children at home who love you.

FRANK: What if I don't wanna change?

FIONA: Then I would know what I've always feared is true,

that you don't give a shit about any of us.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, Carl. Carl. Hey!

You got any Bears stuff I can wear to the game today?

A hat or jersey or something?

I got a Fuck Jay Cutler T-shirt. Might have blood on it though.

Thanks, but no thanks. (PLAYFUL GASP)

- Morning, sunshine. - Good morning.

Good morning.

Don't get too comfortable up there.

Ian's gonna want his old bed back when he comes home.

- Where are you going? - Out.

On Sunday morning?

Are those my boots?

- DEBBIE: Occupied! - Gotta take a piss.

- DEBBIE: Go away. - Use the downstairs bathroom.

It's downstairs.

You're young. You'll live.

No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony.

(CARL URINATING)

What the fuck? Carl!

Good morning, Mrs. Babiak.

(SIGHS) There's a toilet right there.

Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.

Use the toilet like a human.

- Can I have Lip's old room? - No.

He's at college.

Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing

or you won't live here anymore.

That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops.

And no, you can't have Lip's old room.

He's gonna be home in the summer and for holidays.

- Oh, you going clubbing? - Hanging out with Holly.

- You two gonna work the corner? - Shut up, zit-head.

- Least I got zits, no-pubes girl. - Okay, enough.

Both of you. Cereal. Brother.

You think you might be a little over-dressed

for Sunday morning at Holly's?

It's not like we're going church.

You're watching Liam today, remember?

I haven't abused marijuana like the rest of you,

- so, yes, I remember. - I have the Mike thing.

I said my memory's intact.

- (DOOR OPENS) - SHEILA: Whoa!

Big yellow icy spot on the sidewalk. I almost dropped the dip.

Spike must've chewed through his fence again.

My world famous artichoke-jalapeno dip.

Eddie loved it. He used to spread it on his waffles.

Thanks, Sheila. That smells great.

- Why is she here again? - I don't care. Our laundry's clean.

- Any new texts from Ian? - No.

- You check your phone this morning? - Yes.

- It's been almost a week. - He'll be back when he's back.

We should file a missing persons report.

We're not going to the police, okay? He's 17.

We don't have to be happy about it, but I trust him.

No surprise he ran away from this gulag.

It's not like anyone cares a damn if any of us live or die!

Liam?

I heard you the first 300 billion times!

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Two hundred and seventy dollars?

Pre-natal visits aren't cheap and Dr. Suzie is cash up front.

What's wrong with the free clinic?

You want your baby mama waiting next to crab-infested hookers,

and toothless crack-heads?

What happened to the 200 that I gave you last week?

Ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins,

and I found this cute little black maternity number at Nordstrom's too.

You see what I'm saying?

Hey, Kev, you got a Bears jersey? Mike's taking me to the game today.

Borrow as in I get it right back,

or borrow as in you plan to keep it forever,

- and forget it isn't yours? - Get it right back. Promise.

You still staying away from hot dogs and unpasteurized cheese?

And no sprouts. I know how you love

to shovel it in at the Sizzler salad bar.

Honey, I was still doing coke when I was pregnant with you,

and now you're worried about me eating cheese?

All right, Carol, no Nordstrom's. Okay, do you hear me?

No Nordstrom's.

Sweat pants and Adele's old muumuus from Goodwill.

I'll stop by after church

and we'll go shopping for some sensible shoes.

My feet are starting to spread,

and in a month I'm gonna be able to water ski,

without the skis.

- All right. Thanks. Bye. - V: Bye, Mama.

There's no way we can afford a maternity ward.

She's just gonna have to have the baby upstairs in the tub.

We can get Tinisha from down the block to help out.

- Tinisha's not a midwife. - No, but she's had

a shit-load of babies.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

There's a player named after a kitchen appliance?

Was.

Your mom doesn't have health insurance at work?

No, and I would've never agreed to bang my own mom-in-law

if I'd known she wasn't covered.

You and Mike getting serious?

I'm not falling in love or anything but I like him.

- Sex good? - I don't know yet.

First Date Fiona?

The girl who puts out waiting in line at the Wendy's drive-thru?

- Who told you that? Ronnie Finnegan? - Ben Troutman.

Jesus Christ, you've done that more than once?

So nothing at all with you and Mike?

Little dry humping. Couple of hand jobs.

But, no, he's my boss so we're going slow.

Maybe they don't fuck right away in the middle class.

It's definitely weird.

He doesn't like force himself onto me,

where I gotta decide if I'm gonna Taser him or go along,

like I do with the guys from around here.

- Still nothing from Jimmy? - In the wind. Not a word.

Oh, fuck him. He was a pussy anyway.

- And no Frank? - Nope.

Thank Jesus for small blessings. You better off without him.

No, he'll be back. Frank's a cockroach.

You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him,

but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.

- (HEAVY SMASH) - Police Department!

- Police! - Let's see your hands.

- Hands. Come on, hands. - Hands up.

- Check this door. - Police Department!

- OFFICER: Back room's clear! - Police.

You don't think I saw you stash that?

Come on, hands.

OFFICER 2: We got two additional at the Southside.

Police. Show us your hands. Let me see your hands. Come on.

- OFFICER 2: Teams moving through! - Come on, pal, hands. Let's go.

Yo. Hands out. Now.

Frank?

(DISTANT SIRENS)

- Hi, Mandy. Nice tam. - Thanks.

- How you been? - Good.

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him? Nothing?

- Not even a call or a text? - Sorry.

- So you wanna know how Lip's doing? - Not really.

- He's in college. - Good for him.

MICKEY: This is a bunch of bills,

chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons.

What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?

No, apartment complex over by Rush.

Oh, there's an ATM card.

Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number.

What are you gonna do? Rob the same mailboxes everyday

until they send the pin?

Hey, you. This all you made yesterday?

- I give you everything. - Two hundred twenty bucks?

- How many Johnsons you squash? - Seventeen.

What? That's like 12 bucks a wank.

- Who was at the door? - Debbie Gallagher.

- What'd she want? - She was looking for Ian.

Seen him?

- Why do you care? - I don't.

Said Lip was doing good in college.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

- Hey. - Hi.

It's time to go, Ron. Byronic heroes study group?

I have to stop by the lab first.

I'm building a new docking station for my cloud city.

Now, Ron!

(INHALES, THEN EXHALES DEEPLY)

RON: Hey, so did you get the text about tomorrow's flash mob?

- The what? - Five o'clock, man.

Everyone's gonna freeze for exactly 60 seconds.

Okay.

We'll be on the second floor of the library in the back at three

if you wanna join us for a study group.

We agreed to keep the group small.

- We already have six people, so... - He can come. He's cool.

You know, maybe, later. You know, after work study?

(PLAYS LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

- Hi. - Fiona!

- FIONA: What? - Mike.

(TELEVISION NOISE)

(SHIVERING)

Ooh. What is this? Saw? On a Sunday morning?

- Mike your real name? - Yeah.

I mean, Michael, but, yeah, I'm Mike.

- Ever steal a car? - What?

Ever burn your blood-soaked clothes in the yard?

- Hi. - Yeah, hi.

- You ready to go? - Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. I'll be back around six. Don't set the house on fire.

(MIKE LAUGHS) Just kidding.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

Just wait until my mom paints your face.

HOLLY: Not much virginity bidding action on Sunday morning.

- What are you up to now? - Seven hundred twenty five.

Wow!

Jumbo Johnson?

- Guy seems like he could be scary. - Or just really fat.

Can't be scarier than my mom's new boyfriend Gary.

At least this guy's prepared to pay for it.

Anybody bid on me yet?

HOLLY: No, but not surprising with the minimum bid you set.

- A million dollars? - You can only sell it once.

Makes it an extremely rare commodity.

Scarcity equals value. Basic economics.

You think I'm selling myself short?

Well, in your case, it's kind of false advertising.

By like a couple dozen dudes.

You're not really gonna call that Jumbo Johnson, are you?

Probably not.

It's not fair.

My retarded brother is a year younger than me

and he's already sprouting pit hair.

Hey, you're lucky.

Least you can fool around and not worry about birth control.

When did you ever worry about birth control, Ellie?

It's embarrassing, I'm 13.

Come on, let's get slutty and head over to the arcade.

Troll for high school boys. That'll cheer you up.

MAN ON TV: Then with blinding speed, he lashes out

- and captures his intended meal. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

He uses his spiked forearms to spear his prey...

Door!

...just below his thorax. (KNOCKING)

Though the grasshopper struggles in his grasp...

Door!

The mantis uses his mandibles to slice and chew this protein-rich...

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

The diet of the praying mantis consists mostly of...

Frank?

- Where is everybody? - Ian ran away, Lip's at college,

Debbie took Liam somewhere with her skanky girlfriend, Holly.

(GRUNTING)

- Fiona? - Bears game.

She's banging some dude from work. We get free cups.

Well, okay.

Good luck.

(CROWD NOISE)

- Mm! Great dip, Fiona. - Thanks.

- Oh, looks yummy. Artichoke? - Yeah, and jalapeno.

- Family recipe? - Yeah, absolutely.

- Yo, Stick! Catch. - Stick?

Oh, well, Mike was a bit overweight as a kid.

A bit? If you pushed him over, he'd roll.

So when he started losing the weight,

we started calling him Stick.

That is not why. And it's not Stick. It's The Stick.

- No, no. No. - Don't tell that story, Jane.

So here's the deal. Mikey's first girlfriend, Emily,

- from down the block... - Leave your brother alone.

...she was this scrawny, little girl until one summer, boom!

All of a sudden she's got, like, this smoking little bod.

- Remember? - Stop what?

I'm just telling Fiona about Emily and The Stick.

- No! - So anyway

Emily's this girl who got legs like up to here.

- Don't listen to a word she says. - And Mikey is this like fat.

She's trying to get even with me

for sending a clip in to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Well, that's because that was not funny, Mikey, so...

A couple million people thought it was funny, Jane.

You were on Funniest Home Videos?

Yeah, she used to when she was a baby.

- Imitate our dog, right? - Mike, we have a guest.

You had to sew the tail on her feet...

Here's the deal. So Emily comes over to use our pool, right?

And she's got this, like, itty-bitty little bikini on.

- I bet you remember, don't you? - All right.

- It barely covers up her... - Okay. Chicken war!

Come on. Come on. Piggyback, come on. Piggyback war.

I wanna hear the thing about The Stick.

No, you don't. It's all lies.

- All right, jump up. Ready? - Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

Whoa, here comes Marshall, streaking down the sidelines!

Holy! Safety's out of position!

- (SHOUTS) - (ALL CHEERING)

(HUMMING SOFTLY)

Hey.

- Hay is for horses. - Huh?

Can I help you with something?

- Oh, my. - Yeah.

Well, you grab his feet and I'll grab the top end.

Ready? Come on. Gentle, gentle. Ooh! Gosh!

All right, what about this? It goes under. Scoop under.

SHEILA: Ohh!

Oh, my... Carl! Frank, you're filthy! You're filthy!

Jesus Frank!

Wow! (GASPS)

- Did something just jump off him? - Bugs, I think.

- Three o'clock, playing "The Swarm". - There are only two.

We're not trolling for you and the baby biscuit, Ellie.

Only pervs are gonna want any part of that.

Which one should I like?

You like the one in the "Autopsy" hoodie

and I'll like the one with the wallet chain.

So what do we do, just walk over and talk to them?

No, honey.

We chum the waters, wait for the fish to bite.

- GAME VOICE: First stage. - Okay.

Here we go. Tear it up, you all.

Ready, set, dance.

Not so bad.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Debbie. - Matty. Matty.

- Hey, come on. - Oh, no, no. I don't know how to...

- I don't know what I'm doing. - No, you're doing really good.

- Yeah? - Better than me.

That's it. You got it.

Should we give him another bath?

Well, that's three already and we're running out of soap.

- These are gluten-free? - That's what the sign says.

- And vegan? - Soy cheese, yeah.

What about peanuts?

No nuts in the soy cheese pizza, but I can't promise

the cook didn't put his nuts on the cheese pizza.

You guys done with these? Yo, you done with these plates?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Amen, amigo.

Just a bunch of spoiled los muchachos de la madre.

You better not let Manny see you doing that.

Oh, what's he gonna do, fire me?

It's not like they're actually paying me.

Here.

Hey, you wanna get together sometime, hang out?

You know, I got some decent weed.

Sorry, but I can't, man. I got to get home

- to the esposa and niños. - Right.

- Andrew. - Fuck.

- Que te jodan. - Mañana, puto.

You get something to eat? What?

No. Fuck, no.

Tony brought him back. He's been asleep the whole time.

I tried to wake him but he's out cold.

Believe me, he's not sleeping.

Great. Now this? Needles?

- He's really sick. - Oh, he's sick, all right.

I don't think he can make it downstairs.

- He won't be any trouble. - No.

- I don't get a vote? - Not really, no.

I'm gonna call Kev

and he's gonna help me find a park bench

somewhere far, far away to dump him.

- He's dying. - No, he's killing himself.

- There's a difference. - I can take care of him.

- No. - Yes!

Fine. But you brought him home. He's your puppy.

He makes a mess on the rug, you're cleaning it up.

Thank you, son.

(BALL ROLLING, PINS CRASHING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

- Is he yours? - Who?

- The little kid. - Oh, no.

- Brother. - Oh, okay.

Okay, I thought maybe he was, like, yours.

Oh, no.

Do you wanna ride home?

- You have a car? - Yeah, yeah. Not like a...

It's not a very nice one, but yeah. Yeah, I have a car.

- Sure. - Cool.

I'm just gonna let you, like, finish.

- RON: All right. - AMANDA: Okay, just shut up.

RON: Wait, am I finishing myself here?

- (AMANDA LAUGHS) No, I'll help you. - RON: Okay, good.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

God, for Christ's sake, just fuck her!

(BOTH SNIGGERING)

Fuck!

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

FIONA: Night, Debbie.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(LAUGHING)

Ohh! Dirty little cup boy.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Hey. Up.

Hey. School.

(SIGHS)

- Wet dream? - What?

I heard you moaning in your sleep.

You're a Gallagher.

It goes with the oversexed glandular Gallagher equipment.

- What are you now, ten? - Twelve.

Late bloomer.

It's natural. Nothing to worry about.

(COUGHS)

Best way to stay ahead of it...

...is to masturbate a few times a day.

- Masturbate? - Er...

Enjoying yourself while you're awake.

Oh, jerking off.

Simple pleasures. But never in the shower.

It can get on a washcloth and into your sisters.

That's how incest babies are born.

You know, son, I'm sick.

I can't drink anymore but my body still needs alcohol

to function properly.

It's like oil in an engine.

Pistons just won't fire right without it.

Maybe you could hunt up some supplies for me?

Will you do that for me, son? Help the old man out?

(GRUNTS)

- (MOANS) - Uh-uh.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm not feeling so good.

Want me to take your temperature with my big, red thermometer?

My stomach. Bad night.

Oh, yeah? Really? Sure?

Think I'm gonna be sick.

You know, I told you to throw out that leftover vindaloo.

(V RETCHING)

Hey, V? You okay?

Want me to get you something? A 7-Up,

shot of tequila or something?

(V BREATHES HEAVILY)

- V? - I'll be out in a minute, honey.

Can you start some tea for me, please?

(URINATING)

You got to be shitting me.

- There's something in my juice. - That's pulp.

- We can afford pulp? - Yeah.

Getting a steady paycheck, courtesy of Worldwide Cup.

- What? - Dad's upstairs.

- So? - Are you gonna say hi?

No.

Where's my lunch?

You're each getting $3 to buy your very own school lunch.

- Four? - Five.

Fine, no problem. Five it is. Gallagher clan is flush.

We're creeping up on the poverty line.

Haven't quite dragged ourselves over it yet,

but least we can see it from here.

Hey, dishes to the sink.

- More like six if you want chips. - How about we skip the chips?

SHEILA: Ahh!

- Good morning, everyone. - Morning.

Got a busy day today. Gonna tackle the upstairs bathroom.

That'll be a challenge. Good thing I ate my Wheaties.

- What's up with Frank this morning? - Still looks bad.

Yeah? Do I have to padlock him in the room for the day?

I don't think he can get up.

I don't want him wandering around going through my stuff...

pawning the microwave and the TV.

What if he has to use the bathroom?

Don't forget to empty it when you get back from school.

FIONA: How'd you lose that? How'd you lose a shoe?

I don't even think that's minimum wage, man.

There's got to be, like, a law or something, right?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there is,

but I don't think it covers hand jobs.

Twelve bucks a wank,

that's what she makes... on a fucking good day.

Jesus, really?

I've been paying 30 at that Thai place.

Yeah, but that's because Sasha

charges the customers a shit ton more

and then deducts all this stuff from the girls' pay.

Laundry, rent, janitorial, utilities.

She charges them for the Purell and mouthwash.

They need a union to protect their rights.

Yeah, the International Brotherhood of Hand Wankers and Cock Suckers.

I'd love to see that sign on the side of a building downtown.

- Why not? - Make one hell of a picket sign.

- Whores United for Handy J. Justice! - Wankers of the world, unite!

- You heard from Gallagher? - Frank? No.

- Thought Frank was dead. - Not fucking Frank.

- The other one. The redhead. - Ian? No, he took off.

What, did he owe you money or something? Hello.

Who? Anybody know a Mr. Phillips?

No, sorry, pal.

Oh, wait. Wait, wait. Hold on, yeah. Hold on.

Hey, yeah. This is Mr. Phillips.

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be over later.

- What? - Stan. He's sick.

I gotta go to the home after work.

- Who the fuck is Stan? - The guy who owns the bar.

A legend among loan sharks.

Broke more knee caps in his day,

than any other Shylock on the Southside.

Hell of a guy.

- To Stan. - Yeah, Stan.

- To Stan. - To Stan.

How is that possible?

Well, when a man's penis goes into a woman's...

Yeah, I got that part. I mean, how is it possible now

after everything we've tried for the last two years?

Mother Nature can be a tricky bitch sometimes.

What, did you think? You were just

gaining weight in your breasts while you missed your period?

- I eat a lot when I'm under stress. - You've been under stress?

Watching my husband bang my mother? Yeah, that's been a bit stressful.

Well, all of that's behind you now. You're definitely pregnant.

This is good news, Veronica.

(CHILDREN TALKING)

Hey, Liam!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Secret admirer? - I guess so.

- Maybe not that secret anymore. - Really?

Dave in shipping saw you two at the Bears game yesterday,

Instagramed a photo.

Everybody in the company follows him.

Were we doing something embarrassing?

The Kiss Cam, I think.

Morning. Go Bears, huh?

I am almost done with the quarterly Midwest regional reports.

- Can I get them to you after lunch? - No sweat.

Great.

What?

You've been working here three months as of today.

Wow, three months? Really? Great.

After 90 days your full benefits kick in.

Medical, dental, pension.

Really? That's fantastic.

So now it's time for the talk.

- The talk? - The 401 K talk.

Have you decided which plan you'd like to adopt?

What's a 401 K?

Your retirement savings plan. You're eligible to participate.

Every month you deposit part of your salary into your 401 K

and the company matches it, tax-free.

Deposit part of my salary?

But the big decision

is the asset allocation mix you decide to elect.

Money market funds, bonds, stocks, large cap, small cap, treasuries.

You decide the risk profile you're willing to take,

get your elective deferral documents notarized and you'll be all set.

Easy peasy.

- Hey, you're the helper guy, right? - The T.A., yeah.

Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper.

That would be a D.

Yeah, no, thanks, I get that. But why?

I mean, I misspelled Tennyson or something?

Yeah, I remember this one. I graded it.

Oh, you graded it, not the professor?

Tenured professors don't grade freshman class survey papers.

Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?

- It sucked. - It sucked?

Look, I covered everything the assignment asked for.

It was facile and glib.

You danced around and you tried to be clever

but there were no compelling insights

or any attempt at original thought.

Original thought on Byron's "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage"?

Nobody's had an original thought on "Childe Harold"

since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.

Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together.

You thought nobody would notice but I noticed.

Why are you taking this class anyway?

Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.

Well, look, you got another week to add-drop

before you're stuck in here, all right?

You don't wanna work any harder than this piece of shit,

I suggest you find yourself another course.

(KNOCKING)

Yo, Stan. Hear you're not feeling so good.

Stan?

Stan?

Hey, what the fuck, man? He's dead!

- Which one? - Stan! Stan Kopchek!

Yeah. Sorry for your loss.

- You family? - No. Yeah. Sort of.

Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people

over the phone when a patient dies,

so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.

- He's fucking cold! - Yeah. It's Joaquin.

He ain't never show up for his overnight shift

so we don't know how long he's been laying up in there dead.

You got a mortuary you need me to call for you?

Pick up the body?

- Hi. - How's Frank?

- Hear anything out of him? - No, no, no, not a peep.

I got the stuff you wanted. Cooking spray, funnel.

I have these things in my throat that bleed

if I try to swallow alcohol,

so I have to figure out other ways to get it into my system.

- You can't just stop? - No.

I get the shakes very bad, I could die.

I have to stop drinking slowly over time.

So we just hook up

this handy-dandy contraption.

Alcohol goes in this bag...

...this goes up the poop chute and voila.

More than one way to get booze into a Gallagher.

Do me a favor, will you, son?

Go down to the kitchen and see what Fiona's got down there.

Beer, wine. The hard stuff works best,

but anything even remotely flammable will work.

Hello.

- How you doing? - Good.

- You? - Good.

You're pregnant? How's that even possible?

Well, that's what I said. We can't afford to have two babies.

We're barely gonna be able to afford to have one.

Well, have you told Kev yet? What about your mom?

She gonna have to have an abortion.

I can't have her nasty Kev-Mama baby staring up at me,

not with my own Kev baby on my hip.

I'll just end up hating the Mama baby,

and accidentally, on purpose, run over it in the driveway.

It's Mike.

He wants me to come over to his place tonight,

celebrate my three months at the company.

Oh, celebrate how? By having you sit on his face?

Yeah, something like that.

You really haven't slept with him?

No, but I probably should soon.

He's already well past the whole two grand in meals thing

for me having to put out.

You make it sound like a chore.

I know, it's crazy, but he's my boss, you know?

- What happens if we break up? - You already gave him a hand job.

I think you long past the "what if we break up" point.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You should go. I'll keep an eye on the kids.

- I need the kid practice now. - Yeah, times two.

- (GRUNTS) - (SHEILA GASPING)

SHEILA: All right, well, I'll be... I'll be back tomorrow.

I can tackle this whole kitchen area.

I mean, it may take a few days,

but I will make this kitchen my bitch.

Now good night.

You hired Sheila to be your maid?

No, she's just been hanging around. I think she's lonely.

So when are you gonna tell Kev?

Mmm. I figured I'd give it a bit,

see if this thing's still hanging around

after a couple of months.

I haven't exactly been fertile ground

for planting little baby Kev seedlings.

You gotta tell him, V. It's not fair to keep it a secret.

Shit.

- What are you looking for? - I thought we had some wine left.

Did the two of us finish off

an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

FRANK: Hold it up nice and high.

Okay, open the valve.

(LIQUID TRICKLING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

(CHATTER RESUMES)

- Hey, babe, you straight? - Yeah, I'm good.

Come here.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, Christ! Close the damn door!

Nobody wants to see that Mandingo shit.

Fuck!

- Fuck! (GROANS) Fuck! - (GLASS SHATTERS)

- Fuck! - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

WOMAN WITH ACCENT: Are you okay?

Yeah. I slipped.

Then hurry up. I need to use the toilet.

Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts

which we are about to receive through the bounty

of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

May the Lord provide for the wants of others.

(PANTING)

Hey, there.

Oh, God.

That was great. Thank you.

You were great. You are great.

Oh.

Hey, do you...?

Do you need me to do anything... something else for you?

- What? - Well, you know, like...

touch you or whatever?

No. No, I'm good.

That's really good.

Where are you going?

I'll go get that bottle of champagne that I promised you.

- Gotta go home. It's a school night. - No.

No, no, no. Come on, one glass. That's not gonna kill you.

Plus, you know, the guy at the store said it was pretty good.

(SCOFFS) Just pretty good?

Yeah, well, a really good is, like,

a month of my car lease or something.

One glass. One glass?

- One glass. - Yes!

Well, thanks for dinner. I had a great time.

- I love Panda Express. - Yeah, yeah, me too. I do too.

- I like you. - (LAUGHS)

I like you too.

Oh, is that your dad?

No, a friend of my sister's. He's nice.

Yeah, he looks nice.

I'm not sure, but I think Debbie's sitting out front in a car

with some dude.

This dude lost, like, 200 pounds

and he still looks like a beached whale.

Oh, geez, look at all that extra skin.

You could cut it off and make a suitcase.

What are you doing over here?

Watching the kids while Fiona's out with Mike.

- Stan died. - What?

They called me from the nursing home.

I gotta go to the mortuary tomorrow morning,

pick out a casket and all that stuff.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

- So good night. - Yeah, yeah. Have a good night.

Hey, Debs.

I'm pregnant.

What? I thought you just said you're pregnant.

I did.

Holy shit. Are you serious?

Yes, but we shouldn't get our hopes up.

Holy shit!

We're gonna have two?

- Are you fucking with me? - No.

Are you serious?

- Baby! - I know.

Baby! (LAUGHING)

FRANK: Carl?

Son?

Probably want to go a little easier. Hold it like an egg.

- CARL: It's not working. - Maybe you need to give it a rest.

- How many times is that today? - Nine.

Nine.

You're gonna wear the poor thing out.

- What are you using for lubrication? - Lubrication?

You don't use lubricant, you get blisters.

Believe me, I know.

Carl, how about when I'm not in the room?

- You're always in the room. - Bathroom then.

(SPRAYING)

Come on, baby, just a taste. I just want a little taste.

L'Chaim.

(COUGHING AND SPLUTERING)

FIONA: Hey, where you been? Dinner's almost ready.

- Costco. - Costco? Why?

Needed something.

(English US SDH)