Original subtitles

I'm raising five kids and I didn't miss last week. What's your excuse?

Shut the fuck up!

- I need you to get a will notarized. - A will?

- Aunt Ginger's. - Will's no good without a death certificate.

Gonna need a body too.

- A real live body? - Not live.

Here to file a will, please.

Ginger Gallagher, second one today. Supersedes yours.

Who the hell filed it? Cousin Patrick.

- You out of your mind? - You out of your mind?

Kev's gonna lie down with you for procreation.

- Okay, let's get this going. - Ha-ha-ha!

Shh! Knock it off, Mama!

How many more times we gonna have to do this?

Till we complete the mission.

- You look like you could use some help. - You can go home.

Have her stick around. I gotta hit the Alibi in 10 minutes.

- I'm good to stay. - Please, just go...

...home to your own house for once.

Mind if I make one of these out to cash? Some walking around money.

Joint bank account is for integration only.

Have a heart, I'm tapped.

- Mom. - Aah!

Where is he, my baby?

He's where he belongs for now and you're back where you belong.

Now, if I allow you to retain your parental rights...

...would you consent to your daughter becoming guardian?

- Works for me. - Would you agree to be the guardian...

- ...of these children? - Yes, I do.

Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. Uh, GG, as I called her.

When the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes...

...I thought, "What the hell do I do with these?

Put them in a vase on my mantle, or scatter them in the park or the lake?"

Then I thought, "No, I know where she was happiest."

On this corner. Her corner. Where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.

- And 60s! - She did magic tricks?

No, son, "turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution.

In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker.

Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.

We are at her funeral.

Some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic.

But Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow.

Her old knees hitting that hard pavement, again and again.

Bertie Giddelman's the only one that's outlasted her.

Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it.

She was a mean, old bitch. But even a mean, old bitch deserves a send-off.

- Hear, hear. - So this is us, Ginger, sending you off.

Right where you belong.

- It's touching. - I'm tearing up.

- Okay, kids, let's go. - Patrick.

So Ginger had a will we didn't know about and you had it sitting in a drawer?

- Yup. - And even though she hated your guts...

- ...she left our house to you? - It was never your house.

It's weird how she signed the will only a year ago, her being an invalid and all.

Signed and notarized.

Don't remember you coming with a lawyer.

- Gotta get back to my family. - Six kids with nowhere else to go.

Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger's worn off, mm?

Tomorrow, maybe?

You want to tell them, or should I?

V! Your mom's here.

- You look really nice, Carol. - Thank you.

You do look nice. Where'd you get that dress?

Madison's.

Those shoes. Doing something at church later?

I'm ovulating again.

Ovulating? No, it's not until next week. I got the calendar.

High body temperature. Sore breasts. Increased cervical mucus.

- We believe you, Mama. - If you all wanna try again...

...we have a four-day window.

No need to waste an opportunity, right, baby?

You wanna do this now? Like, right now?

- I can come back. - No. No need.

I'm like a stud bull.

Just open the barn door, slap me on the ass...

When I say "open the barn door," I don't mean your, um...

- Uh, do you guys want a drink? - I'll get three glasses.

You sure you just wanna jump into this? You don't want a minute to think?

Waiting isn't gonna make it easier.

I'm gonna block everything out, and just picture your beautiful face.

- I picture Denzel Washington. - Oh, for real?

When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, eh, then I go with Johnny Depp.

- Ah. - You appreciate the irony, right?

Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom.

Refusing to allow me to stay.

Now nobody gets to stay.

- Why's Frank here? - Small chance he'll be able to help...

...since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

- Patrick wants to steal our house? - He's a contractor, gonna flip it.

Slap a coat of paint on it, call it a "cozy, authentic pre-war"...

- ...and offload it to yuppies. - Not gonna happen. Let's go over options.

- I'll write them down. - We know the will is bullshit.

It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for, what, 10?

- More like 15. - Option one: prove will is a forgery.

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death.

Forged a will of our own.

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social-security checks.

Like you didn't share in that bounty.

We could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it.

- Mm-hm. - She was never of sound mind anyway.

Option two: say Ginger was crazy.

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

- That's three. - Good luck with that!

His nickname used to be Pit Bull. Partly an odor thing...

...but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go.

- You gotta kill him first. - Option four: kill Patrick.

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallagher'd us...

...and there's no point in fighting it.

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees...

...ask yourselves. If Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?

- Copper pipes. - You're not taking the pipes, Frank.

Think there's a way to challenge the will?

Why not? If I can bone up on probate law.

All in favor?

- Unanimous. - Like hell it is.

Lip'll handle the will. Rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow.

Debbie, pick something to wear that doesn't have holes.

- Wouldn't it be easier to kill him? - Clothes, now.

Better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

This is why democracy does not work.

Time to get out the help-wanted ads.

- How you holding up? - Know what I want?

Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean.

I want normal-people problems.

Like, am I getting enough fiber?

Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Well, it'll work out. It always does.

You realize only rich people say shit like that.

- What's that supposed to mean? - We have no backup plan.

- There's no running to Mom and Dad. - That's what I do?

I'm saying neither of us has a job. One week with me as their guardian...

- ...they're about to be homeless. - Then we'll get jobs.

The Gallaghers are survivors, right?

- We can do this. - We?

You, me. We.

- Since when are you a lawyer? - Since never...

...which is why I have to read up on this shit.

How about I give you a hummer, help you relax?

I don't think that's gonna help my productivity.

You can multi-task.

Oh.

Would you, um...?

Would you be offended if I kept working?

- L, can we talk? - If you can talk from out there.

It's private.

This better be good.

I rang the doorbell, but Ian had me wait out here.

I don't think he likes me anymore.

I don't think he ever liked you.

I got your message.

The one where I, uh, told you to go fuck yourself?

It was nice to hear your voice.

- The Eiffel Tower? - Yeah, this guy said he'd take me to Paris...

...so I had this done.

But he took all my money...

...tried to sell me to a sheikh from Yemen.

So yeah, things got bad for a while.

Anyways...

...I'm home now.

That sounds shitty.

Is Mandy inside?

Yeah.

That's why Ian had me wait out here?

That would be my guess.

Are you happy?

- Sure. - Good.

Because I want you to be happy.

You deserve it.

All right. Well, I, uh-- I better get back.

You look good.

Welcome back.

Plumber's apprentice. I can do that.

- Have experience? - Fixed our toilet.

You shook the handle. Here's a good one, barista at the Coffee Beanery.

Shelly Espinosa works there, makes 20 grand.

A month? A year?

Shit. How do people live on that?

So the Cleaning Posse guys called back.

An effluent tank overflowed at the slaughterhouse, they can use us both.

- Fourteen-fifty an hour. - A what tank?

Effluent.

See? I told you it'd work out.

It's so exciting having you back in your old room.

I just wish I'd seen Hymie in his crib.

Mrs. Wong can bring Hymie by, any time.

How is he?

He's wonderful. Oh, my gosh, he's such a sweet boy.

Now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.

I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life.

In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.

Support for what?

For families affected with Down syndrome.

I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.

- Be grateful the kid's not here. - Butt out, Frank!

Children in the Cambodian killing fields turned their parents over for execution.

A lifetime of devotion, that's the loyalty it buys you.

Who wants lasagna?

Aah! Karen, please put your pants on.

What? It's not like I'm naked.

I'm in recovery. I'm hypersensitive.

That's a good idea.

Only three plates here. You might want to get one for Karen.

- I'm gonna go make a salad. - Oh! Great.

Um...

- Frank, honey. - Uh-huh.

We've been through a lot together.

That we have, Sheils, that we have.

Um, but Hymie's gone...

...and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.

What?

- No, no, no! Don't say that! - Frank, I'm just asking you to go home...

- ...to your family. - My family threw me out...

...with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless?

Do you want me wandering the streets just as Old Man Winter...

...winds his way down from the frozen North?

Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?

Just as I'm getting my life together! I'm going to AA.

Go because the judge ordered you to go.

- Sheila-- - Frank. You're a good man...

...but you've got to find another place to stay.

Jesus, Carl, there's enough to go around.

Would you grab the paper bags?

If we have to move, where do we go?

We're not moving. How's Ginger's will?

- Working on it. - V, thanks for taking Liam today.

I pretend he's my little, black baby. When he's cranky and smelly, I bring him back.

- Where is Liam? - Trying out the big-boy toilet.

And you left him there?

Debbie, that is not the outfit we picked out for your first day.

You are so not leaving in that.

- I borrowed it from Mandy. - Clearly.

You do realize that I'm in middle school, right?

Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.

Would somebody get that?

Mandy, she's 13. She's not working a bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.

Like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age?

Jeez, Fi, she was trying to help.

I'll get it.

Can you take Liam tomorrow too?

Not sure. The Fruits of Islam people on Fourth have day care.

If I say, "I hate whitey," I bet they'll watch him.

So is Lip getting serious about Mandy Skankovich?

- Nice. - Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry.

You know I would have never said that to your face.

Should I apologize, or leave? I'm gonna leave.

You and I both know, you're not entitled to shit!

Patrick?

Remember my sons, Desmond, Warren.

What are you doing here?

Walk-through to assess repairs, shouldn't take long.

- It'd be quicker if you left. - You're the ones who're gonna be leaving.

Assuming your will stands up.

- Probate hearing's on Thursday. - This Thursday?

Why prolong the inevitable? I'm gonna need you out Saturday...

...so I can spray the place with insecticide, rip up this piss carpet, and make it livable.

Boys, start upstairs.

We've got kids living here, and you're just gonna throw us out?

- How do you sleep at night? - Don't blame your miserable lives on me.

Okay, listen up.

Some of you have inquired about our petition.

We have demanded that Lincoln Grove High School...

...offer programs for special students...

...to help them fit in with their classmates.

Aren't you glad we came?

- Yeah. - Great.

Also, concerning "the R word," we have demanded a school policy...

...forbidding students and faculty from using that word.

- Retard. - Excuse me?

Retard. You can't even say it. So how do we talk about it?

We all know your opinion on this, Jeremy. But right now I'm the one speaking.

Brothers and sisters! Words only have power if we give them power.

We must take back the word "retard."

Make it ours.

Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.

I'm not your sweetheart, bitch.

Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well, but many of us here think...

...it's time that we reclaim and redefine the word.

And since normies don't get called retard, they don't have a say on this.

Normies do not get a say.

- What's a "normie"? - I think it's slang for non-retards.

Hey, Fabio, do you mind?

- Sorry. - I don't care how it's used.

I don't want anybody calling my son that word.

It's incredibly hurtful.

Even if we did get rid of it, someone'll just think up another way of saying it.

The queers took back their word.

- It's different. - How's it different?

It's not like race issues disappear if people stop saying "nigger."

Shut the fuck up! I can say it, you can't.

Retards! We must band together.

The way to get respect is to take respect.

Normies can help get that message out. Raise your hand if you're with us!

Yeah.

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation! Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

- You digging that smell? - Something die in here?

Couple thousand somethings.

- It gets better after a while. - How?

Your brain sort of short-circuits, shuts off your sense of smell.

Tape everything up, gloves and boots.

- We got solids in there today. - Solids?

Maggots, roaches, rats, flies.

You got roaches inside your suit, going crazy, running all over your short hairs?

- Hard to focus on work. - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Keep your mouth shut. I don't mean "shut up."

I mean don't let anything splash in your mouth.

Your girlfriend gonna be okay?

Thank you everyone for sharing. Have a good day.

Great meeting. I just need to get my slip signed for the court.

Okay. Let's see.

I guess we'll see you twice a week for at least six months.

Keep coming back, Frank.

As if I had a fucking choice.

- Congratulations. - What?

I said, congratulations.

During group share, you said you're two years sober, unless I misunderstood.

No, that's right. Two years today.

Only six weeks for me, it hasn't been easy.

I was downing cleaning products, mouthwash--

- You ever try Sterno? - Love Sterno.

It's ridiculous what passes for alcoholism with this group.

Her two-hour blackout, I mean, come on.

I blacked out a year, am I whining about it?

Or the guy that lost his job and banged his sister-in-law.

Where I come from, that's Friday night.

But you've been sober two years. That's amazing.

It's because you don't need booze to fill the gaping hole in your life.

It's about being in the moment.

A meatball sub, a Bears game on the television. Simple pleasures.

Simple pleasures, right.

Frank, I'm Chris, or Christopher.

I hope you don't mind if I ask. Would you be my sponsor?

- Would I? - Sponsor me in the program.

My previous sponsor moved out and went to Leesburg, that's in Florida.

Right, right, but here's the thing.

Much as I'd love to help, and inspiring as I would no doubt be...

...your best sponsor is yourself.

I understand. Take care.

Wait.

You said your last sponsor moved out. What, he lived with you?

- Yeah. - A house? You live in a house, apartment?

A house.

I'm sorry. Let me introduce myself properly. I'm Frank Gallagher.

- Tell me your name, again? - It's Chris.

- Or Christopher. - Christopher, right!

- Getting out. I'm getting out. - What are you doing?

Fuck!

No one speaking English as a first language should be doing this job.

- The money's good. - Not that good.

- So much for "you, me, we." - I can feel cockroaches under my suit!

On my back! Hit me on my back! Hit me on my-- Fuck!

Hey, these candles were a nice idea.

- Mom brought them. - She did?

Just look at me.

- That's it. - Oh! Shit.

- You are a stud bull, aren't you baby? - Oh, yeah.

Hold that thought. Mom! Jump in between us. Hurry up.

Wasn't sure when to bring this up, but, um...

...maybe I could use a little warm-up this time.

Warming up like a jog around the block?

Because if you're asking Kev to go down on you...

...I can tell you that's not happening.

Women are more likely to conceive if they have an orgasm.

I read it in Cosmo. It pulls sperm up into--

The conversation is not happening on this end. Just saying.

- Hey, sorry I bailed. - Don't be sorry.

Tons of guys would leave their girlfriends alone to shovel blood and shit.

Went to the Coffee Beanery and got a job.

- How much per hour? - Uh, not as much as the Cleaning Posse.

But all the coffee you can drink.

- Full-time? How close? - Close.

Part-time. But there are opportunities for advancement.

The manager was saying--

We've reconvened the Cousin Patrick War Council.

No luck on the legal front?

No. It turns out it's hard to prove someone had dementia when they signed a will.

In our case, very fucking hard.

- Because she was already dead. - What was option two again?

We're on three now. Convince Patrick to back off.

Or option four: kill Patrick.

Back to three. Convince him how?

We get my brothers to scare him a little.

No way. Enough with the brothers Milkovich.

Nothing fatal. Hit him with a bat a couple of times, a little pistol whipping.

They'll want 500 for it, but, um, if I help Mickey move some meth next week...

- ...they'll settle for two. - A discount beating.

- What do you say? - Guys, we can't beat--

We need a house.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be scraping blood and shit from under my fingernails.

Then I'll be at V's, getting drunk, pretending I didn't...

- ...just order a hit on a relative. - All right.

- Frank? What are you doing? - Sheila, this is Christopher.

As his AA sponsor, I'm helping him to walk the straight and narrow.

That's nice. But how can you be his sponsor when--

I said to him, "If you're serious about recovery...

...you're gonna need 24-hour-a-day oversight.

I'm gonna have to move in."

Really.

That Frank would do this, disrupt his own life--

All I ask in return is your sobriety.

Here, take this down to your van.

- Nice meeting you. - Oh, nice to meet you.

Thank you, Frank.

- Great job. - Never let it be said...

...that Frank Gallagher outstays his welcome.

Karen! Look at what they gave me when I offered to volunteer.

Pamphlets and buttons and a banner and T-shirts.

Come with me tomorrow? I'm gonna have a table outside the market.

- No thanks, Mom. - Can I ask why not?

They call themself Retard Nation.

- It's offensive. - No!

We're challenging society's preconceptions.

This is genius.

- "I am a retard." - Yeah, but read the back.

"And proud." I'm gonna need five of these.

Lot of retards at the Alibi.

Frank? I'm not comfortable with how you're using that word.

Retard? You're saying it.

Yeah, but you don't have Down syndrome.

- Neither do you. - I know.

No. But my intent is to defend free speech and to further public awareness...

...and end hate. And your intent is simply to be rude.

Hello?

V?

- Aah! - Mm.

Oh! Sorry. Oh.

Agh.

Ugh. Agh.

That threw me off. Periscope down.

Hey. Look, you need to, uh, back off the Gallagher house.

If you don't, you'll be sorry.

Fuck's sake.

- A.22? Sure it'll stop me? - Wanna find out?

What the fuck are you doing? Get up and knock him on his ass. I got him covered.

I'd like you to meet the wife, Ellen.

They're removing the toilets.

- I'll get buckets. - Didn't work out with your brothers.

Are we getting our money back?

Minus a hundred. He took a chain off Mickey.

Over there, by the couch. Just leave it.

Bye, honey. Off to work.

Why is he leaving a toilet in our living room?

Bye, honey! I'm off to work!

We are so losing the house.

- I told you, we're going to-- - Going to be fine, I know.

But will we be fine here or somewhere else?

Probate hearing is tomorrow, maybe we'll get lucky.

If not, I will find us a place to live.

Okay? Please, drop Liam at V's on your way to school.

Everyone else grab a lunch and head out, no truant Gallaghers today.

You know, being guardian doesn't make you super-mom.

- You noticed. - I'm just saying, uh, it's not all on you.

Thanks.

- How are you this morning? - Never better.

Replacing the toilet with a low-flow model, much more efficient.

- Bet it lowers the water bill. - Oh, without question.

Patrick, we got off on the wrong foot.

Sending Mickey Milkovich over with a baseball bat?

Is that the foot you mean?

If we let you take the house, will you rent it to us?

Sure. Call it 1800 a month.

First, last and deposit.

- You know we don't have that kind-- - No?

I thought living in squalor was a lifestyle choice.

When we first started this with Mom...

...we approached it like a medical procedure.

But these last few times-- Was she acting like she was on a date?

- She always dresses nice. - Musk perfume, gold tips.

When has she ever worn gold tips to our house?

- Like I'd notice. - No idea what I'm talking about?

Maybe she made an extra effort.

Aha!

What's wrong with that?

Low-cut dress? Fuck-me pumps?

Maybe she's excited to have a grandchild.

Wants me to be properly motivated.

- That doesn't freak you out? - Whole thing freaks me out.

I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm like a professional athlete. If I think, it affects my performance.

My job is to not think.

Fuck! Fuck!

If you're gonna follow me to work, how about giving me a ride?

I'm not your chauffeur. And don't burn the milk.

It's not good if you burn it.

Jimmy!

Andy from med school.

- I'm at County General, down the street. - No kidding.

Good to see you.

I love this place. Great coffee.

- Uh, you're a working man now, huh? - Oh, management trainee.

They won't let you buy a franchise until you've run one of their stores.

Nice. I hear these places are a gold mine.

What can I get you, man?

Hey, you know Adam Britt, Nick Stathis, Mark.

They're all doing residencies in Chicago.

Nick's ortho, Mark's a surgeon. We're grabbing dinner tomorrow night.

- You should join us. - Sounds fun.

But I'm not sure if I can.

They would love to see you, you gotta come.

Um...

Double cappuccino with nonfat.

I was going to wait for the landlord, but, uh, someone kicked the door in for us.

That's considerate.

- At least it's in our price range. - Barely.

It's not like we live in the Gold Coast now.

Place just needs some paint, a case of roach motels.

Down the road, we save some money, maybe find a house back in our old 'hood.

- Need a crack pipe? - Better not touch that.

Touch it? I'm ready to smoke out of it.

Guess I'll call the landlord and tell him we'll take it.

Mm.

Need to watch your baby brother. Who's that puking on his Timberlands?

Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea...

...shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.

- What the hell are you reading? - Rat poison.

Hi! Hi.

We are, um, Retard Nation.

We're a local organization, but, as the name suggests, we're going national.

We're promoting the idea that people with Down syndrome...

...need to reclaim their own identities in order to define themselves.

So if you'd like to, you can make a donation...

- ...or if you'd like to buy a T-shirt-- - What the hell is this?

We're a local organization, Retard Nation--

- Take it down. Now. - I'm afraid I can't do that.

You're not gonna stand in front of my market with this sign.

Pack it up now or I'll do it. All right?

Sir, we will not be intimidated by normies.

- By what? - By normies.

Goddamn it, get this crap out of here. All of it. Now. I'm very sorry.

Do not touch me in front of my market! This is hate speech! Get your hands off me!

Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

So this is it. It's only a one-bedroom, but I'm at work a lot.

- Christopher. - Yeah, Frank?

In order for the healing to begin, it's important that you be honest...

...and tell me where you hide your booze. Under the cushions? Back of the closet?

- I threw it out. - Do you mind if I look around?

- In case you missed a bottle. - Yeah, yeah that's smart.

- Where do you work? - I'm a vet tech for the city.

- I deal with stray cats and dogs. - Meaning you kill them?

In veterinary parlance, it's called "control."

Sometimes I rescue a beauty like Bessie, there.

Makes me feel better about it all.

Hey! I've got a surprise for you. Why don't I grab it?

- What sort of surprise? - You'll see.

Hey.

You know your dog is dead, right?

Taxidermy is a hobby of mine!

So when you say "rescue," you mean bring them home and stuff them...

...because most people, when they use that word--

Meatball subs! Like you said, remember?

- Simple pleasures, living in the moment. - Sounds like something I would say.

You mentioned you're a Bears fan. There's no game on...

...but I've got last season's highlights! You eat, I'll cue it up.

Want a blanket? It's kind of chilly.

I have a new respect for baristas. It turns out it's a highly demanding craft, who knew?

You just keep burning the shit out of your... What's up?

Tell him.

I killed Patrick.

What?

Option four: kill Patrick. Why skip an option?

The life-in-prison thing.

I realize you've had sketchy parental role models, okay?

But as your newly appointed guardian, can we agree that offing people is not cool?

- Can we get on the same page with that? - Yeah.

If this comes back to us, if we get charged with homicide...

...do you realize how serious that is?

What?

Liam.

Oh, Liam!

Ugh.

Ah. Got him in time.

Need to come up with an explanation in case the cops tie this to us.

Like, we have rats, and Carl threw poison everywhere.

- That works. - It does?

Anyone will know it's not far-fetched.

Get everyone so we can get our stories straight.

Okay.

I'm raising a sociopath.

I'm sure your cousin went to the hospital. He'll probably live.

Hopefully.

- Mandy. I thought that was you. - The fuck you doing here?

Re-enrolling. So I know you're seeing Lip.

Like I told him, I think it's great.

- You talked to Lip? - I came by last Tuesday to say hi.

I didn't come inside.

Lip didn't want me inside because, you know, he didn't want to upset you.

Why would I be upset?

Oh.

You wouldn't. Forget it. I just meant I'm happy for you guys.

Latte.

Wait till you try these pancakes. Organic blueberries.

You're adjusting very well, for an addict.

Thanks to you, sponsor.

If it weren't for you, this place would be littered with whiskey bottles.

What was your drink of choice?

- Terry's. - Never heard of that.

Terry's, uh, Malted Whiskey.

You mean, malt whiskey? Like single-malt?

All kinds of malt.

I'd get up in the morning and drink a full keg of beer. Man was that bad.

A keg is 15 gallons.

If I didn't know better, I would think you're making stuff up.

Our relationship is based on honesty, Christopher.

I tried to drink alcohol. I just don't like the taste!

Jesus Christ. You're not an alcoholic?

- Forgive me. - Well, then why go to AA?

- Why have me as your sponsor? - Please, Frank, please don't move out.

Everything is going so good with us.

I won't lie to you again, I promise.

- I'll make us prime rib. - Ugh.

Last night of Mom's ovulation cycle, thank God.

She just needs to screw Kevin and not enjoy it. That's not unreasonable.

It's what every daughter wants from her mother. What time is it?

Three-fifteen and still no Patrick.

- We don't want him to come. - It's a toss-up.

If he does show, the judge gives our house away.

If he doesn't, he's probably dead, so we get to keep the house...

- ...until we all go to prison. - The estate of Ginger Gallagher.

- Here we go. - Guys?

What now? Start packing?

Fiona said that you guys found a place to rent. Take any photos?

You're kidding? You're serious.

You knew Karen was in town, didn't you?

- I heard that, yeah. - You heard it?

- I saw her. - You saw her or fucked her?

If you've got a problem with me being here, just say so.

I don't want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted, so man up.

- Tell me. - I have a problem with you being here.

You act like we had a conversation. Never happened.

That I said it was okay for you to leave your stuff here and show up uninvited.

Do my laundry and act like my wife. But we never had that conversation...

...did we?

I never asked you to be here.

I don't fucking deserve this.

You found a new house for rent?

That's great.

Landlord says it's ours, if we want it.

New school?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I never should've let this happen. I'm so sorry.

I'm kind of sick of this place anyway. Be nice to have a change.

Going out with some medical school friends.

Totally upstanding citizens. Give me a ride?

- I'm not your-- - "Not your chauffeur."

You'd rather me take the L train, make you get out of your car and follow me?

Chicago and La Salle.

- Don't you look nice? - Yes, she does.

I brought some rosé, more candles and, uh, some CDs.

You like D'Angelo, Kevie? Little music to set the mood.

It's great you wanna set the mood, Mama. Kev and I wanna keep this straightforward.

- More like a procedure. - As opposed to what?

- A date? - Excuse me?

I'm not some whore comes over in a raggedy T-shirt...

...has relations with your boyfriend and leaves.

If we gonna do this, we might as well get some ambience.

Otherwise, get some trashy thing won't mind if you bend her over the kitchen table.

- She doesn't mean it like that, Mama. - Is this happening or not?

I wanna hear my CD.

Come in.

Oh.

Not who I was expecting.

That guy in New York, he, uh--? He really take your money?

Think I would lie about that?

Why not? Make everyone feel bad for you, lower their guard.

Poor Karen, back home with her tail between her legs.

That's right, it's all an act.

- Did you talk to Mandy? - Who?

Oh, Mandy, right. Yeah, at school.

Kind of a skank, don't you think?

So you dropped napalm on my relationship without even getting your hands dirty.

It's not like you lost your touch.

What do you want?

Take your clothes off.

Hey!

Hey!

You think that T-shirt's funny?

No, no. It's political. It's actually pro-tard.

Yeah? Well, tell that to my sister.

Oh, shit.

Nice.

Ooh. That's it, baby. That's it.

Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Ooh!

Oh, yeah.

That's it. Ooh. That's it.

Bring it home. Bring it home, baby! Ooh!

Yeah, ooh. Ooh! Ye-- Agh!

Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

You people want to have a baby, beautiful, but find another way to do it.

I can't be working under these conditions.

We'll call you.

Karen, honey? Can you come down?

- Don't stop. - I wasn't planning on it.

Karen? Mrs. Wong is here! Come on in.

Timmy saw you at the supermarket.

Oh! Oh, that's just my volunteer work, for Hymie's sake.

- You have to stop that shit. - Aah! Excuse me?

Timmy saw you fight with that man. He's embarrassed for you.

Well, I don't know if it's a cultural thing and you're not aware, but you're being rude.

Jody, can you help Mrs. Wong with the crib?

You act crazy, I can't leave the baby with you.

What about you trying to cure him with your Chinese herbs!

You need to accept him for who he is!

No more baby.

Let me know which car is yours, I'll load it up.

She's hoarding Hymie!

- What? - Okay, I won't volunteer anymore...

...if that's what you want.

- You promise? - I promise.

I bring the baby tomorrow, but I stay to watch you.

Okay.

- Blue Impala. - Okay.

Your Karen is right. This is not a good place for baby.

Karen? When did you talk to Karen?

What kind of a creep uses Alcoholics Anonymous...

...to cater to his nefarious agenda?

It is a slap in the face to everyone who attends the program.

Nice shirt, Frank. Not that we didn't know.

He doesn't need a sponsor...

...but he lets you live there rent-free and he's feeding you?

Doesn't add up, does it?

If I were you, I'd make sure he's not a rapist or a serial killer.

You said he's a loner, right? Super-neat?

Bet he's got hardwood floors.

- So? - Carpets get blood stains.

- Heh. - What's he do for a living?

He kills animals. Occasionally stuffs them--

- He what? - It's called "animal control"...

- ...in veterinary parlance. - It's called "he's Jeffrey-fucking-Dahmer."

Finds a guy no one will miss, gets him to move in, pumps him full of vet drugs...

He's gonna drill a hole in your head and turn you into a sex slave.

Before we get carried away, Christopher had a sponsor before me.

- The guy moved to Florida. - He moved to Florida? Who told you that?

- Christopher? - Christopher.

Be careful, Frank. You're gonna wake up and find your dick in a Ziploc in his freezer.

Fiona!

- What's going on? - Got Patrick Gallagher outside...

- ...with an eviction notice. - You're throwing us out?

- It's supposed to take a couple weeks. - Normally. The guy seems like an asshole.

I'm trying to chill him out, but he's made accusations. Said you tried to kill him.

- That's ridiculous. - Has a toxicology report from the hospital.

Says he won't press charges if you move out tonight.

- He can't be serious. - Seems to be serious.

But Patrick loves me.

Yeah, well, is there a place you can go?

- Tonight? No. - Patrick gave me candy.

Debs, go get Lip and Ian.

Then he got in bed with me, and touched me in my nice places.

- What was that? - About candy or Patrick touching me?

Patrick Gallagher?

Mm-hm.

And when you say "nice places"...

Ah, private places.

Frank?

Oh, fuck!

Frank.

Frank? Frank?

Frank?

Frank?

- Oh! - Agh, ah--

Get away from me! These people are witnesses.

Where have you been? Been looking all over for you.

- What do you want? - Are you all right? Had a relapse?

- Don't touch me. - I could be your sponsor.

Not a drinker, but I've been to so many meetings, I know the procedure.

- No! No, no, thank you. - I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

I'm not real good with people, really.

- It was great having someone to talk to. - Get a room, assholes!

I'm sorry, Frank. See you around.

Wait, wait.

You're not gonna stuff me or drill a hole in my head?

- What? - Your interest in me is not of a perverse...

- ...or sexual nature? - No. Nothing like that.

I mean, if you're saying you want to have sex with me...

...I guess I'd do my best.

What happened to your old sponsor?

Either he's in Florida, or he's avoiding me. Thinks I'm creepy.

Being clingy and all. And lonely.

So basically, the problem is you're clingy.

- What's for dinner at your place? - Rib eyes.

We stop at the liquor store and you're paying?

- Anything you want. - Let's go.

- Really? You mean it? - Ha, ha.

Clingy is a walk in the park.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- I really like her. - Oh, yeah?

She's a poet.

- Karen. - Aah! Mom, you scared me.

You told me you came home to be with Hymie.

But you told the Wongs to come take Hymie. Why would you do that?

I missed you, Mom.

So it's true?

Everything was better before Hymie came along. Just you and me.

I wanted us back.

I love you.

- You're shitting me. - Standard police procedure.

We'll have to meet the sex crimes detectives at the station unless--

- Unless what? - The charges are dropped.

Charges are dr--

- Four hundred a month rent. No deposit. - Are you in on this?

Not in on anything. I'm, however, gonna make a radio call.

You can take your 400 and shove it up your ass.

I remember your hands touching me and--

- Twelve-hundred. - You said it was our little secret.

- But I knew it was wrong. - Jesus! Wha--?

- Nine hundred, final offer. - Five hundred, no deposit.

I need a 50-year lease and I want that in writing.

Hey, check it out. Left a poison sandwich in the crawl space.

- Do--! - No, no, no, no, no!

Ugh, too late.

- Why the outpouring of affection? - We didn't lose the house.

I was molested. It worked out.

- What? - We can stay.

I put your toothbrush back in the cup.

Want an eye mask? Curtains let a lot of light in.

Thanks.

- Night, Frank. - Good night, Christopher.

- I'm going to bed, babe. - All right, I'll be up in a second.

Who's that?

- Carol. - My mother?

My mother is texting you at 1:30 in the fucking morning?

Shit, that's not funny, is it? Ha-ha-ha.

I'm just playing. It's Kate calling in sick for her shift tomorrow.

Sorry, baby. Ha-ha-ha.

Ah.