Original subtitles

"This royal throne of kings."

"This earth of Majesty."

"This seat of Mars."

"This other Eden; demi-paradise."

"This fortress built by Nature for herself, Against infection and the hand of war."

"This happy breed of men."

"This little world."

"This precious stone set in a silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall"...

..."or as a moat, defensive to a house"...

..."against the envy of less happier lands."

"This blessed plot, this earth, this realm"...

..."this England."

A land where playing the game is still more important than winning.

A land where all men are equal...

...irrespective of race, creed or colour.

- You bloody black troublemaker! - You racialist poof!

You've got the little black feller round the... round the corner...

Ah, knickers. What're you talking about?

"Love thy neighbour."

"Walk up and say How be ya?"

"Gee, but I'm glad to see ya, pal."

"How's tricks?"

"What's new?"

"Love thy neighbour."

"Offer to share his burden."

"Tell him to say the word, and you'll see him through."

"Especially if there should be"...

..."a beautiful girl next door."

"Say to the girl next door"...

..."Don't think I'm bold, my mother told me to love my neighbour"...

..."and you will find your labour"...

..."a great deal easier. Life will be breezier if you"...

..."love thy neighbour."

"Especially if there should be a beautiful girl next door."

"Say to the girl next door"...

..."Don't think I'm bold"...

..."my mother told me to love thy neighbour"...

..."and you will find your labour..."

..."a great deal easier, life will be breezier if"...

..."you love thy neighbour."

"Day is a... day is a... day is a... day-oh..."

- "Daylight come an' I wanna go home." - Oooh!

Will you belt up? I've just cut me chin!

Pity you didn't cut your throat!

"DAY!"

"Is a... day is a... day is a... DAY-OOH!!

- "Daylight come and I... - Will you get knotted?!

..."wanna go home."

Bloody Nora!

What's the matter now?

They've given us next door's newspaper again!

It's all the same news!

How can it be the same news?

This is a Tory newspaper. It's biased.

Oh, and your Labour paper isn't, I suppose!

Of course it is.

But it's biased the right way.

Oh! Morning, Eddie.

Oh! Hello, love.

Nice, isn't it?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Hey, hey, white boy.

What d'you think you're doing, eh?

Oh, er, well, I, er... I just brought your newspaper round.

I don't like the way you were looking at my wife, you know?

Hah, well, you know what they say?

They can't touch you for looking.

I can!

Ah, you're too bloody sensitive, you.

Am I?

Well, look...

...you just ask Joan to put on a nightdress...

...and come out here, and let me have a good look at her.

You randy nig nog!

Look, you just keep your lecherous eyes off my wife - right?

And what am I supposed to do, walk about with my eyes closed?

- It can be arranged. - That's it...

...typical of your lot, isn't it, eh? Violence.

Well, we want no mob rule in Maple Terrace.

You're a black troublemaker.

Yeah, and you're a... a loud-mouthed, pale-skinned POOF!

Let me tell you something.

This is a respectable neighbourhood.

We don't like ignorant loud-mouthed rabble-rousers - understand?

Perfectly!

When are you moving?

Mmm?

Great black ponce!

I'll have his guts for garters!

Great black fairy!

That bloody black twit!

What's up now?

Sambo has just accused ME of ogling his wife.

Oh... he's caught you, has he?

What do you mean, "caught me"?

I've got better things to do than stare at his wife.

Then why is it every time you see her your eyes nearly fall out your 'ead?

Don't exaggerate! It's him.

He's a troublemaker.

We never had this trouble when Frank Musgrove lived next door.

He never accused me of ogling their Nellie!

I should hope not. She was sixty-four.

Oh..!

I wish you'd try and cool it with Eddie.

He better don't insult my father, that's all.

Oh, don't start looking for trouble before he gets here!

Hmm. Look, you're sure you don't mind...

...Dad staying with us on a holiday?

Oh, no big thing.

He can stay as long as he likes.

You rang the airport to find out what time his flight's in tomorrow?

Oh, no... I'll do that later today.

What's so funny?

You know...

...I can't wait to see Eddie's face...

...when he finds out there's another black man living next door, eh!

I knew it. He's moving the whole bloody tribe in.

S'only his father.

I don't care who it is. He's a nig nog.

And I don't want any more nig-nogs living next door.

He's not gonna live next door. He's only here for a few weeks' holiday.

Ah... it's the thin end of the wedge, love.

You mark my words - before we know where we are...

...we'll be overrun with 'em!

Maple Terrace will become a suburb of...Trinidad.

- Mornin'. - Morning.

Give us a light, then.

"Please."

Pardon?

If you want a light, say "please".

Knickers!

- Got a light, missus? - No, I don't smoke.

It's a filthy habit.

Give us a light, mate, will yer?

Sorry, I haven't got one.

You've got a pipe in your mouth!

Ah, it's empty. I've given it up.

I like to suck me pipe now and again. It helps when I get the urge.

Well, aren't you gonna say "please"?

No, I'm bloody not!

Well, you ain't gonna get a light, you know?

Oh, yes, I am.

I'll get one on the bus.

I'm sorry, mister... no more.

What d'you mean, "no more"? You're not full up!

You've got room for fifteen in there, you bloody great choc-ice!

Watch it!

Morning, Terry.

Mornin', Arthur.

Eee! You look a bit rough.

Rough? He looks bloody awful.

Who was you out with last night?

- Norma. - Gee..!

- Lucky devil! - Always out with a crumpet.

I get my share.

You get everybody else's share, as well!

'Ere, you got the strength to press that down?!

Hey, mornin' fellers!

- Ah! Good mornin' Bill. - Mornin', Bill.

Your Dad settling in all right?

Oh, no - he doesn't come in until tomorrow.

Should do him good, coming over here for a holiday.

Yeah, I hope so. Mind you...

...I got a feeling there's going to be nothing but trouble.

Ah, don't worry. You're always looking on the black side.

Oh - no offence. 'Ere, where's Eddie got to, then?

My bus was full. He probably caught the one behind.

Ah, we'll see him later, then.

You are pleased to get off that platform!

Don't be so bloody touchy!

I am bloody touching you if you don't get off!

I haven't done anything!

You are calling me rude names.

All I did was call you "Gunga Din".

You've done it again. Get off!

Look, I'm not getting off this bus.

Stop behaving like a hooligan and get off!

You shut your trap, you old ratbag!

How dare you!

I've never been so insulted in my life!

Well, that's your fault - you don't get about enough.

Please, please - we want no more trouble.

She's the one who's causing trouble.

They're all the same, her sort.

Toffee-nosed twit.

Bet she's a housewife, as well.

And what if I am?

Well, you shouldn't be on this bus in the first place.

This is for the workers.

All right - get off!

Watch it, Ali Baba!

Again you are insulting me!

Not an inch this bus is moving unless you are getting off!

That's what you think!

Now you have done it!

The driver is coming round to have words.

Well, let him come round. I'll soon bloody sort him out.

'Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo... What's the trouble, then?

This passenger is insulting me and won't get off the bus.

Oh?

Well, that can soon be settled very amicably.

The gentleman will apologise... won't you?

Pardon?

You 'eard! Apologise.

Oh, yes, well, I...

- ...I apologise. - Very good.

So, we're settled.

GET OFF!

Yoo-hoo.

Kettle's on. Coffee in five minutes?

Okay, I'll be there.

Morning.

- Morning. - Morning.

Anything for me?

Yes, gorgeous...

...but I'll have to finish me round first!

Cheeky!

Oh, take no notice of him, Barbie.

He's all talk.

By the time he finishes his round he won't have...

...the strength to raise an eyebrow.

I've got hidden reserves.

Yes, well, keep 'em hidden.

Have you got any mail for me?

Yes, there's a gas account... final demand.

There's a letter here from Manchester.

That'll be from, uh, Eddie's mother...

...and there's a postcard here from your brother Cyril.

Oh, I wonder how much he wants to borrow this time.

Oh, only five quid.

I suppose you ladies are going in for the competition?

"Competition"? What competition?

Well, "Love Thy Neighbour".

- Never heard of it. - Yeah, it's in this morning's Gazette.

There y'are.

Especially for blackies and whites who live next door to each other.

"Are you a good neighbour?"

"Win a sunshine cruise in our 'Love Thy Neighbour' competition."

No. I don't think this is for us, Barbie.

Well, why not? We are neighbours.

Yeah, but... listen to this.

"Does the difference in your colour cause friction between you?"

How could we possibly answer that truthfully?

Easy, Joan - we lie.

What...?

Sod it.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Having a little trouble, hmm?

Er, yes, Mr Granger.

Er... the clock was broken...

...it was slow, and I was trying to put it right.

And it just... came away in your hand?

- Er, yes, yes. - I see.

And there's a perfectly good reason...

...why you're over an hour late?

Ah, well, you see, eh... we've had a bereavement.

- God, not another. - Pardon?

Up to now, this year...

...you have buried seven grandfathers...

...five grandmothers, and four other relations of unknown origin.

Yes, well... ha, ha... we are a big family.

Well, from now on the only funeral you'll be allowed time off for...

...is your own.

Speed the day.

'Ello, darlin'! How are yer?

- All right? - Yeah. What you doing lunchtime, Terry?

You, if he's got any sense!

Show us your knickers!

- She ain't got any! - Oh, yes, I have!

They're in my handbag.

Oohh!

Imagine being married to her?

You? You'd be dead within a week.

Yeah, but what a lovely way to go.

Oh, excuse me, Eddie.

Oh, yeah, what d'you want?

Your hinge pins are out.

I beg your pardon?

You're not making your hinge pins to size.

Listen, mate...

...my hinge pins are spot-on.

- They're three thou out. - Who says so?

I do.

Look, mush...

...I was making hinge pins when you were still eating missionaries.

They are three thou too big.

They're perfect!

They must be.

I made them.

Well, look, I can't fit them in my jig, right?

That's 'cause you've got no bloody idea!

I wish they wouldn't employ unskilled labour.

Oooh!

Sod it!

You having a bit of trouble, Bill?

Oh! Er, hullo, Mr Granger, I was...

...just helping Sambo out.

Whoever set this bloody jig made a right cock-up of it!

I set that jig, Booth, so if there's something wrong...

...it's your hinge pins.

Oh, yes-yes-yes-yes-yes... quite right.

Right, Mr Granger...

...I will check my micrometer.

What... the... hell...

...is that?

Chewing gum, sir.

Chewing gum..!

I suppose I should be grateful you haven't been cracking nuts with it!

Get it...

...get...

Get that cleaned off...

...and measure up your hinge pins again.

Chewing gum!

Why the bloody 'ell didn't you tell me, then?!

I thought you honkies knew everything!

Well, nothing ventured...

...nothing gained! What's the first question?

It's for you and Eddie.

Did you and your husband welcome your black neighbours...

...when they moved in?

Yes!

Next question...

Do you share the same political beliefs?

Yes.

Next question.

Do you share the same interest in sport?

Come on...

- ...I'm not frightened, y'know. - Neither am I.

Yes.

Do you know, Joan...

...I never realised our husbands got on so well together.

Well, is that it? I think we've finished.

No, just one more.

Final comment by each husband.

What're you gonna put for Bill?

Ah! How about...

..."Living next door to my friend, Eddie"...

..."has taught me to appreciate the white man's culture."

What shall we put down for Eddie?

I've got just the thing.

"I get on so well with my neighbours"...

..."they'd been living next door to me for six weeks"...

..."before I noticed they was black."

Don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick?

No. If you're going to tell a lie, tell a whopper!

I can almost feel that Mediterranean sun on my face already.

Speaking of holidays, can I use your phone?

I want to check what time Bill's father arrives tomorrow.

You're not ringing Trinidad, are you?

Oh, no! Just the airport.

Oh.

- Hello? - London Airport information.

Could you tell me what time tomorrow's flight from Trinidad arrives?

Certainly. That will be Flight 702, due in at twelve noon.

Are you sure?

Positive. There's a flight in every day at the same time.

As a matter of fact...

...I think today's flight has just landed.

Hey, Arthur. Where's Eddie?

I'm waiting on my hinge pins, man.

He's in the loading bay having his usual mid-morning sleep.

Lazy...

Stays...

...blacker...

...longer!

Where is he?

Where's who?

I said, "Where's who?"

My son.

Bill Reynolds.

I'm his father.

Well, you won't find 'im out 'ere!

If 'ee's come to meet yer...

...'ee'd be in the terminal buildin'.

Terminal?

Yeah.

Which..? How do..?

Back there.

Come on.

Cor blimey - look! It's Eddie!

Hey, he looks better as a blackie!

What are you laughing at?

Hey, Granger wants to see yer.

Gahh!

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Mr Granger?

Ah, yes, Booth, I've been meaning to...

- Good god! - Pardon?

I've done these...

What, what's up with you?

Nobody said it was catching!

Eh?!

How's your face, Eddie?

Bloody sore.

- Got all the paint off? - And half me skin.

If I find who did that, I'll crown 'im.

Don't look at me, Eddie.

I still think it suited you being a blackie.

Shut up and eat your sandwiches.

What've you got, Sambo?

Mangoes or yams!

Tinned missionary.

And look, I've told you a million time...

...my name is "Bill", right?

Too touchy, you, you know. It's only a nickname.

Paddy's a Mick. Charlie's a Scouse. And you're a Sambo.

It's not your fault you've had a touch of the tarbrush.

Well, who's fault is it then?

He gets it from his ancestors.

Quite right, Jacko. It's what they call...

...'eri-detary.

Exactly.

'S'all those centuries spent under the hot African sun.

See, we... we're more pale, because we...

...we live in a more temperate climate.

Holy smoke.

You mean if we stay here long enough we'll turn white?

Very likely.

Now that you mention it, you are a bit...

...paler than when you first came.

What a load of honky crap!

Is it 'ell as like!

Look at little old Winston there.

I mean, he's paler than you...

...but he's browner than what we are.

That's because he's a Paki!

That just goes to prove my theory.

He's not as black as you...

...because they don't have as much sun in Pakiland as they do in Africa.

Please... I am from Putney.

Yeah, well, they don't get a lot of sun in Putney either, do they?!

Y'see... I wouldn't expect you to comprehend...

...the gist of what I'm talking about, because...

...you 'aven't got the intelligence what we have.

We have just as much intelligence as you.

Have you hell as like! How could you have?

Blimey, it's not all that long ago...

...since you lot descended from the apes.

Look, we ALL descended from the apes!

Here, look, fellers, come on...

...come on, let's go and play some cricket.

Let us ape-men move away from here.

We don't want to contaminate them dear, lily-white folks, uh?

I wonder what missionaries taste like.

Oi!

Look. Here he is.

The only choc-ice I'm always pleased to see.

Is all that for the Social Club?

Yeah. Four barrels of bitter...

...twelve crates of Pale Ale.

Ooh, that's all right.

That should see us through to the mornin'!

Oops! Do you mind?

That only just missed me!

Pity it didn't hit you!

I heard that!

Can we have our ball back?

Yes you can!

Oooww!

Ere!!!

Catched me on the back of my 'ead!

Oh, come on, Terry!

How about making up a side?

Blacks against whites?

Get out of it.

It's a poof's game, cricket.

Why, are you scared we're going to beat you, huh?

Beat us?! You couldn't beat us at anything, mate.

Least of all cricket!

We invented it.

Yeah, but we play it better.

Oh, do you?

We'll soon bloody see that.

C'mon. Hey, Charlie...

- ...sling us one down. - Right.

Don't be so filthy. Go on. Get up there.

Allow me the privilege of bowling whitey out.

Now, come on, Sambo.

Let's be havin' you.

What're you doing?

I just loosening up.

Don't let him intimidate you, Eddie!

Don't worry. Doesn't frighten me!

Frightens me, and I'm not batting!

Yeah.

Get off that!

Bloody hell. Talk about Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!

Yeeaaoow!!

Come on! Howzaaaahht?!!

That's bloody painful!

He's LBW!

That's what they call "bowling a goolie"!

Hey!

Do you want to retire?

No, I bloody don't!

- Come on - give me that. - My sandwiches! My curry sandwiches!

Go on... get out of it.

Right, this time, son. I'll show you...

...last thing I do...

Bloody Nora!

Oooh!

Never!

You've... You've...

Mr Granger, I'm sorry. It was my fault.

What? You?

Yes, you see I was bowling...

...to Eddie and I...

...misdirected my aim.

I'm sorry - I'll pay for the damage.

Oh.

Oh, yes? Oh. Will you?

Ha, ha! Well... all right, then.

Be more careful in future, won't you?

Well...

...come on, clean up this...

...bloomin' glass for me, will you?

You take a pan with you.

Sir, you've broken...

SHUT UP!

Very good of you to take the blame, Bill.

- Eddie could've got the chop there. - Nuh-uh.

I only did that to get my own back.

What do you mean?

Well, can you imagine how lousy Eddie feels?

White honky owes little black me a favour.

He'll actually have to come and APOLOGISE to a nig nog.

Excuse me...

...I am from Trinidad.

- I just came... - Ich nicht verstehen.

- Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Um.

- Oh, er, I'm, I'm... - Nein?

- ...sorry. - Bitte?

Excuse me, sir?

I am from Trinidad.

- I arrived... - Pardonnez moi, monsieur...

...mais je ne comprends pas. Er...

- ...parlez vous Francais? - Oh.

Uh... pardon.

Thank, thank you.

Good day, miss.

I am from Trinidad.

Do you know where... how I...

- ...can get to that address? - Ah, no, no, scusa.

No, no - sorry.

Oh, oh... I'm sorry.

Sorry... hmm.

England?!

Look, you've gotta do it, Eddie.

You gotta thank Bill for what he's done for you!

I wish you'd belt up.

Now look here... he save you from getting the sack.

Don't you start!

Look, it'll be clocking-off time if you don't hurry up.

All right. All right. Here, grab an arm.

- Wh-wh-what're you doing? - What am I doing..?

Taking the mountains to Mohammed.

Bill? Bill.

Eddie's got somethin' to say to you... haven't you, Eddie?

Yes, yes, well, I'm, er...

...Uh...

Yes, Eddie?

Well, er...

...wh-what I wanted to say was...

...it's time to go home.

Sounds like somebody knocking on your door.

Are you home?

Anybody there?

Oh, no!

It's Eddie's mother!

- I thought she lived in Manchester? - She does.

Well, what's she doing down here?

Going back soon, I 'ope!

Is there anybody there?

- Hello. - Oh, there you are!

I were beginning to wonder if you'd moved!

I was just having a cup of coffee with Barbie.

This is Barbie.

- Eddie's mother. - Hello.

Does your 'usband know you walk about like that?

They're very fashionable in London.

Oh. Well, I hope you don't start wearing them...

...with a backside like what you've got.

Well, are you going to ask me in?

Or have I come two hundred miles just to stand on the doorstep?

I think I'd better go.

- See you. - See you later, Barbie.

- I'll let you bring me case in. - Thanks.

And if I were you, I'd change me window cleaner.

He's not doing your corners.

- Well... this is a surprise. - Surprise?

Well, did you not get me letter?

- Mmm, came this morning. - Well?

Oh, I'm afraid I hadn't opened that yet.

Well, that was a waste of a stamp.

How long will you be staying?

Look, give me a chance to get me coat off.

Only wondered how long you were gonna be here.

All right...

...I know when I'm not wanted.

I didn't say you weren't wanted.

Coming to something if you can't come and visit your own son!

I'll put the kettle on.

Our Edna never asks me how long I'm staying.

But then, she's from the north.

They're more hospitable up there.

Surprised you could drag yourself away.

- I beg your pardon. - Nothing.

I wouldn't be troubling you at all if... Eddie's father was still with us.

Poor man.

How've you been keeping?

Oh, mustn't grumble.

Still got me cough, of course.

I can hear it.

But how is my Eddie?

He's all right. Be home from work soon.

You've got a good one there in Eddie.

At least he does come home on time.

Not like his father. Straight out of work and into the boozer.

- Forty-five pee, please. - Put it on my slate, Cyril.

- Cheers. - God bless.

- Cheers. - Good 'health.

Ahh.

- You are gonna thank Bil? - Course I am.

Are you? Well, now's your chance.

Bill - Eddie wants to talk to you.

Well, go on. Go on.

Yes, well... about lunchtime.

- Yes, Eddie? - Well, you see...

W-w-what I meant was...

- ...I, I felt I was I was a bit... - He wants to thank you...

- ...for taking the blame. - That's it, that's it.

I'd like to hear you say it yourself, Eddie.

- Pardon? - Oh, gosh, man.

Thank me, Eddie.

Thank you for taking the blame.

Hey, did you say something? I didn't hear that too clearly, you know?

Thanks for taking the blame.

I still didn't hear that, man. Say it a little... louder.

Thank you for taking the bloody blame!

- Satisfied?! - Yes, man!

You black ruffian!

- That's a pint you owe me. - Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You cheeky black! - Well...

Hey, you got your ticket reserved for tonight, Bill?

Yeah, what's going on here tonight, huh?

It's not what's going on - it's what's coming off.

Tessa, the tassel dancer.

The postman's friend.

We all like the size of her knockers.

- She swings 'em in opposite directions. - Yeah!

And he's not only talkin' about the tassels, either!

- Oi, oi! - She sounds like a raver!

She's fantastic.

When she was at the British Legion...

...she swung 'em so hard that one of the tassels flew off.

Hey, that must've went down well, eh?

It was like a bomb!

She got a standing ovation...

...the pianist got a dislocated neck...

...and the concert secretary got three months.

Are you coming, then, Bill?

I would like to but I don't think Barbie would be pleased.

Well, you don't have to tell her we've got a stripper.

Tell her a white lie... or in your case, a black one.

Which one of the black lies you were thinking about, Eddie?

Tell her the one I'm going to tell Joan.

Tell her you... you're going to an emergency meeting...

...of the union executive committee.

But I'm not on the executive committee.

I hereby propose that brother Bill be co-opted to the committee meeting.

I'll second that, brother Eddie.

All those in favour.

- 'Ere, 'ere. - Aye, aye.

Carried unanimously.

Okay?

Oh, there you are, Mr Reynolds.

Now, if your son is in the terminal building...

...I'm sure we'll find him for you, okay?

Thank you.

London Airport Information.

Er, did you did you salt these potatoes, Joan?

No. We like to put our own salt on when it's on the plate.

- Well, what's for pudding? - There is no pudding.

No pudding?!

But you can't expect a great big strong chap like Eddie...

...to come home after a hard day's work and find there's no pudding!

He gets all the protein and calories he needs.

Yes, well, we don't have them.

Up north, we have proper food.

The food of the north is like its people...

...straightforward and honest.

And fattening.

Uh... Bill.

Now, don't forget - it's a union meeting tonight, right?

I'll be there.

Ah.

I'm home, Joan.

I want a word with you.

- I've only had one pint, love. - Your mother's here.

Oh, no! What the 'ell does she want?

- Hello, son! - Hello, mum.

- Nice to see you. - Mmm.

Let me have a good look at yer.

Oh, dear!

- You've lost weight. - He looks better for it.

He looks underfed to me.

Now, now girls. No fighting over me.

What's for tea, love?

Lamb chops, boiled potatoes and peas.

But there's no pudding.

- Can I have a word with you? - Stay where you are.

If you two want to talk about me behind me back...

...I'll go in the kitchen.

- It's no good. She's gotta go. - She's only just come!

I don't care.

She's already started poking her nose in.

She doesn't mean any harm, love.

If she starts interfering, out she goes.

Joan, don't worry. She won't interfere.

Oi! The chops are done.

I've strained the peas and salted the potatoes.

Did you hear me?

This, er, committee meeting is very sudden, isn't it?

Oh yes, yes, it's, er... an emergency.

Come in.

Hello, Billy. Ready for the big night?

Hey, what do you think of the gear?

You got a bad chest?

Ooh! Oh!

Hello, love. Er... never saw you there.

You're in a happy mood.

Well, you know Eddie - always happy.

You ARE going to a union meeting?

Of course we are. Aren't we, Billy?

Absolutely.

You know, Barbie, these union meetings are very hard work.

In fact, I doubt that Bill and me will have time for a drink.

- That right, Bill? - Right on.

Now then, gentlemen, as Chairman of the Social Committee...

Bring on the stripper.

All in good time, Eddie. All in good time.

Now, you're shouting at me while I'm working. That's not fair...

...'cause when you're working I don't dash up...

...and snatch the broom out of your hand!

Now, then, as Chairman of the Social Committee...

...I've one or two things to say about our last function.

This brassererie 'ere...

...that was found on the car park after the last dance.

It's a size thirty-eight with a "B" cup...

...and inside it's got the inscription "Kilroy was here".

Now, if any of you gentlemen know the young lady this belongs to...

...if you would like to bring her along to the committee room...

...I will personally put it back on her.

Come on Arthur, bring on the stripper!

All right. All in good time. All in good time.

One other thing I want to tell you about is the gents' urinals.

Now, I can't keep having these walls whitewashed.

Well, blackwash 'em, them!

That's very funny coming from you, Bill.

Now, if you don't keep quiet...

...I'll have all your photographs taken off the marmalade jars.

All right...

We all like a bit of wit.

But the graffiti is downright pornographic.

And the gentleman, or gentlemen...

...that wrote the verse of the Young Man from Nantucket...

...I would like to point out that the last line...

...is not only grammatically incorrect, but a physical impossibility.

Hey, Arthur.

Either strip off or get off!

I am not stripping off. You've not come to see me tonight.

I know I'm small, but I'm very well marked.

But now, for our turn.

Unfortunately Tessa can't appear.

I know, I know!

'Tis a shame, I know.

But, there you are.

But, at enormous expense, I've engaged an even bigger star.

A young lady direct from a recent success at the Wheeltappers' Institute...

...where she always wins the booby prize.

So let's give her a nice big hand...

...and make her feel at home. And here she is...

...Swinging Susie, the Girl with the Syncopated Bristols!

Bloody Nora... another nig nog!

Excuse me, sir.

I want to go to my son's house.

Got any money?

- Oh, yes, yes. - Where you going to?

It is in Twicken-ham.

- Got the address. - Real money - English money?

Oh, certainly.

- Look. - What you got there?

- Erm, twenty pounds. - That'll do.

- I beg your pardon. - Come on...

- ...give us the money. - What? All of it?

Look, mate...

...if you wanna go to Twickenham it's gonna cost you twenty quid.

Now, please yerself.

Does it pass the finger test?

Who's this from then?

"Love, Cyril." Cyril?!

- That must be a man. - It's me brother.

Hmmmm.

He was at our wedding, you remember?

Cyril..? Oh, yes, I do remember him.

Yes, he was the one that was... well, he made a disgusting remark...

...to your Auntie Gertrude.

What's he doing in Tangiers, then? White slaving?

Working in a bar.

I thought you said he was a steward on board ship.

- He felt like a change - Still putting it about, is he?

- I don't know what you mean. - Yes, of course you do.

Why, at your wedding he was like a cocker spaniel on heat.

He tried it on with the bridesmaids...

...two of the waitresses, AND the best man's wife.

Get your coat on Joan, we're going to the Social Club.

- Club, what for? - To catch Bill and Eddie at it.

But they've only gone to a union meeting.

Yes, and I know what's on the agenda.

Take 'em off!

Take 'em off!

Come on!

Uh... hello, Joan.

I say... er, they're out.

Oh!

Uh... oh..!

- Er, when will they be back? - I don't know.

They don't tell me anything.

I guess I'd better stay here and rest.

- Have you come from far? - Trinidad.

Trinidad!

You must be dying for a cup of tea! Come inside.

There we are, girls. Two large gins.

Cheers, Barbie.

Cheers.

Would you like a packet of crisps?

How about a meat pie?

Oh, Joan..!

"Committee meeting."

Well, I... it's true - I got the dates mixed up.

- Liar. - It's true.

Liar.

I'm surprised at you, Bill Reynolds.

Sneaking out to see a stripper.

Oh, sugar, I'm sorry.

And a black girl, at that. It wouldn't have been so bad if she was white.

Well, I don't know what you're getting upset about.

I mean, it's nothing new to you to see a coloured pair of knockers.

What's that again, Eddie? - Well, it's true.

You blacks are always flashing it about.

- Flashing what about? - Everything you've got.

It's a well-known fact that you're always...

...running round the jungle in the starkers.

Bill and Barbie don't come from the jungle.

I know that. But they're... it's in their blood.

They're primitive.

No more primitive than you are.

But you must be. You're black.

And, of course, as we know, black is inferior to white, huh?

Quite right. I'm glad you agree with me.

Load of rubbish.

- Do stop arguing, you two. - We are not arguing.

We're discussing.

Well, you might be discussing. I'm arguing.

Oh, stop getting the needle, for God's sake, Sambo.

I tell you, my name is "Bill".

Oh, stop it, you two!

Let's have a drink.

- Cheers, Barbie. - Cheers, Joan.

Cheers, Sambo.

Cheers... honky.

- We're only what life has made us. - Yes...

...and too old to change...

...even if we wanted.

I wonder if my son's home yet.

No, sit down. We'll hear them when they come back.

Hmm.

It's funny, though, that he never came to meet you.

After all, he must've known what day you were coming.

Oh, well, I did write to him.

I guess I must have put the wrong date.

- Um. - What's wrong now?

- Well, I'm... - You keep bobbing up and down...

- ...like a yo yo! - I know, but could I...

...I was wondering... You see, I...

Oh..!

Of course! Yes.

Upstairs, love.

Second on the left.

- Er... - Hm?

...pull twice to flush it.

Hmm?

Oh, don't you have that... you know, that...

...thing in, er, Trinidad?

Oh, no...

...no, we, er...

You know, in some countries...

...in some countries, they've only got sand.

You bloody black troublemaker.

You racialist poof.

Oh, get back to the jungle.

Eddie, I wish you'd keep your voice down.

You'll have the whole street out.

It's not me, it's King Kong here.

You call me "King Kong" again and I'll...

King Kong!

- Oh, no, you don't! - Look...

I'm not having you fighting in the street. Come on!

- No! - Oh, come on!

- See you later, Joan. - Oh, no, you won't.

As from now...

...this house is out of bounds to nig nogs.

And this is out of bounds to white honkies.

Oh, knickers!

Cobblers!

Why is it we can never go out for the evening...

- ...without having a row? - Oh, shut up, woman.

I beg your pardon?

- Nothin', go on, get in, shut up. - Each time we go out.

Ah, belt up, woman!

Always rabbiting.

Every time you go out with that man...

- ...you gotta have a row with him. - Ooh, there you are!

- Have you had a good time? - Oh, yeah...

...laugh a minute.

Get out of the way...

- ...while I hang me coat up. - Don't start again!

Joan, I've told you once and I'll tell you again.

I want no more nig nogs in this house.

Hello.

Our toilet's just flushed itself.

Oh, well, er...

- Here, take him this. - Hello, Ma. Give us a kiss.

Oh, Eddie!

Eee, you're just like your father.

You stink of beer!

Well, so would you be if you'd had a pint of bitter poured over your 'ead.

- Good evening. - Oh!

- Good God, who's this, then? - Er, well...

...this is Bill's father.

And this is Joan, and this is my son, Eddie.

What the hell's he doin' 'ere, then?

Well, he's waiting here.

They were out next door.

Oh, aye?

Well, they're back now.

Oooh!

I must go and see my son.

Thanks for your hospitality.

Don't mention it.

See him out, Eddie.

Why? Is he blind?

- Oh... - Eddie.

It, it's all right - I'll find my way out.

Goodbye.

I hope we get a chance...

- ...to meet again. - Oh, I'm sure we will, Annie.

Did you hear that?

Did you bloody well hear that?

- Hear what? - He called you "Annie".

Well, what about it? It's me name, isn't it?

You were taking a chance!

Alone in a house with a Sambo.

'Specially 'im!

Seemed ever so nice to me.

That's not the point.

His first visit to this country.

For all we know, you could be the first white woman he's ever seen.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Don't you see?

You could've incited him...

...to lust, and... all that.

Incited him to... what you said!

You need a good, hot cup of tea.

Right, come on Terry. Let's be having you.

Union subscription, twenty-five pee.

Eddie - can I give you half now, and half next week?

Why?

Well, it's a long story.

Y'see, Norma and I - we've been puttin' our 'eads together.

Yes, mate.

It's not the only thing you've been putting together.

- All right, son, pay me next week. - Thanks, Eddie.

Oi, Sambo!

Union subscription, twenty-five pee.

Can you bloody hear me? I'm talking to you.

Look, I've told you what my name is...

...and it isn't Sambo, right?

Oh, shut your face. Look, I want your union subscription.

You're not getting it.

As a matter of fact, I'm not all that keen on...

...being in your white union!

No bloody choice, mate! You've got to be a union member.

Then I'll join another union.

You can't.

There's only one union in this shop.

The Amalgamated Engineering Union.

AEU.

Huh, I'll form one of my own.

- The ABU. - ABU?

The All-Black Union.

Come on, get out of my way, man.

Right!

Yes, Mr Buckley, I'll tell him you rang.

Oh, just a minute. Here he is.

It's Mr Buckley, Ajex Engineering, on about his hinge pins.

Hello, Norman.

Er, now look, don't worry about your hinge pins.

Look, I've just come from the shop floor...

...and your order's well in hand.

Er, no, no, no...

...no, we have no industrial problems at...

...Riverside Engineering. No.

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

- 'Ey, look, he's coming. - Out! Out!

- Out! Out! Out! - Oi!

What the hell's going on?

I'm calling a mass-meeting.

What, all fifteen of you?

Get these men back to work!

It's all right you joking. And don't shout at me!

Oh! What have you stopped work for?

It's the Sambos.

They've left the union.

So what are you gonna do about it?

- I can't do anything about it. - Oh, yes, you can.

This is a union shop. They should all be in the union.

What do you expect me to do? Sack all the blacks?

I have no wish to provoke dismissals.

But as the official union spokesman...

...I call upon you as the management...

...to use the full weight of your influence to persuade the blackies...

...it is in their best interests to return...

- ...to the AEU. - Hear, hear.

What if they won't listen to me?

Sack the bloody lot.

Right, out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Good morning, Mrs Booth.

Oh, hello Mr Reynolds.

I was just wondering if your mother-in-law...

...would like to come out with me this morning.

Just a minute, I'll see. Mother?

- Bill's father wants to take you out. - Hello.

You took your time. I've been ready for the past hour.

Come on.

We'll do a bit of sightseeing.

I don't mind taking the bus, do you?

Oh, no. No, no.

- This way. - This is fine.

We are defending a principle here today, brothers.

We've always been solid in the past.

And we must be solid in the future.

The only place they're solid, brothers...

...is in the head!

Do you mind? I'm holding an official union meeting.

- So am I, right? - Right!

Nobody recognises your union.

Ah, yes - we do.

POWER...

- ...to the BLACK UNION! - Right on!

Up the white union!

Please...

...on a point of order.

I am not knowing which union I am belonging.

Well, come on, brother. You belong to this union. You're not white.

He's not bloody black, either.

Oh, dear. What a bloody mess I am.

Now, brothers, the issue before us today is simple.

Either the blackies come back to the union...

- ...or we refuse to work with them. - Withdraw our labour.

- Hear, hear! - All those in favour.

Yeah!

Carried unanimously.

Well, Sambo.

May we welcome you back to the union?

- NO! Right? - Right!

Very well. We have no option...

...but to put our resolution into effect.

We are now... on strike!

Right. We're going back to work, brothers. Right?

RIGHT!

You blacklegs!

Ooh!

Oh.

Ah, yes.

Betty, get me some more steel bars, will you?

- How many more do you want? - About a dozen.

I've got to get this order out.

- I've got me hands dirty. - Never mind your dirty hands!

There's no need to shout.

It's not my fault they've gone on strike.

What the 'ell do you think you're doing?

What does it look as though I'm doing?

I'm making hinge pins.

- Oh, no, you're not. - Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not!

I OWN this machine. I'm entitled to operate it.

The said machines shall not be operated by any unauthorised persons.

Non-union members.

National agreement, as formulated by the AEU...

...endorsed by the TUC...

...and recognised by the CBI.

Do I understand that I cannot operate...

...this machine because I'm not a union member?

Correct.

- Right. I'll join. - Pardon?

I'll join the union. There you are. That's my year's subscription.

Now as a fully paid-up member of the union...

...I'm entitled to operate the machine. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- No you can't. - Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Why not? I've joined the union.

You cannot operate this machine.

As a fully paid-up member of the union...

...you are now on strike!

Oh, sod it!

Is it safe to come in, or do I have to black up?

Come in. Kitchens are neutral territory.

Shall I put the kettle on?

Oh, kettle's on - and I've made the tea.

Good.

How long do you think the feud will last?

Search me.

You know what Eddie and Bill are like. It's probably all over by now.

Eddie don't mean any harm.

Well, he should learn to keep his mouth shut.

Nah, he's just outspoken.

Believes in calling a spade a spade.

Watch it.

Now don't you get touchy!

Well, don't start calling me a spade!

I didn't call you a spade.

Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.

Do you know something, you're nearly as touchy as your Bill.

Do you know something? You're more ignorant than your Eddie.

- I didn't come 'ere to be insulted. - Well, go!

I will!

And you can keep your rotten tea.

- Oh. - Good afternoon.

I 'ope you don't mind me comin' round the back.

Can I come in?

- Please yourself. I'm just leaving. - No, hang about, hang about.

- I need the both of yer. - What for?

Well, let me sit down first.

- Oh, come and sit here. - Ah. Me feet are killin' me.

Oooh. That's better.

Ah. 'Scuse me, I suffer with me sinuses.

Now, then... let me see, now.

You must be Joan. And you're Barbie.

How d'you know?

I'm Carter, from the Gazette. You've probably seen my byline...

..."Out and About with Carter". Between the obituaries...

...and the agony column.

- No. - I'm not surprised.

Now, about this "Love Thy Neighbour" competition.

Ooh, have we won?

Well nobody's been judged yet.

I've just called round to verify yer.

You obviously qualify for colour. One of each. Heh, heh!

I, er...

...suppose you're friendly with each other?

Oh, yes, we're very friendly.

And how about yer husbands? They get on well?

Oh... like a house on fire.

We're lucky with the weather, aren't we?

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

What is it?

Well, to me you seem rather pale for a blackie.

We're not all King Coles.

Oh, no. No. Only...

...it's that, er, your lad, he's more darker than what you are.

Yes.

Spitting image of his mother.

- Oh, I see! - Mmm.

London is a beautiful city.

Yes... but you should see Manchester.

It's like coming home, to me.

I thought you said your home was Trinidad.

Trinidad is where I live...

...but to all West Indians...

- ...this is the mother country. - Oh, yes.

Do you see that dome thing...

- ...over there? - Yes.

St Paul's.

Oh, really?

- Sir Christopher Wren. - Beg your pardon?

It was designed by Sir Christopher Wren.

He's buried there.

Buried?

That's nice for him.

Oh, we can see everything together.

Ah, the Bucking-ham Palace. Westminster Abbey.

Yes. And this afternoon...

...I will take you...

..to Woolworth's, Marks and Spencer's, and C&A.

You'll love it.

Looking forward to that.

C & Spencer. Well... yes, yes, yes.

Isn't it nice and peaceful without the machines going?

Yes... like a graveyard.

Any letters for me?

Yes - a suicide note...

...and I'll write it meself.

Don't talk like that, Mr Granger.

Come on - let's you and me get back on the machine.

I don't mind getting me hands dirty.

D'you hear that, Eddie?

We've been betrayed!

How's it coming along?

Mr Granger, don't worry - we'll try our best...

...to get your order finished on time.

- Do you think you can manage it? - Oh, most definitely.

Even if we have to work like blacks.

YOU BLACK SCAB!

Well... how did you lot get in?

We came through the loading bay.

'Ere, Jacko was supposed to be picketing that.

Wait till I see Jacko.

He'll be suspended for this.

Get out the road!

Hey, you're a bit late, Eddie!

He-ee-elp!

Somebody!

Anybody!

Eddie!

You see, Joan, I've always believed in taking action.

So have I. You can wipe.

Once we let these nig nogs get the upper hand...

...there's no telling where it could lead.

We'd be overrun within a week.

They breed quicker than what we do.

Oh, yes?

It's all that curry they eat, you know.

There we are then. I'm off.

- Off? Where're you going - I'm going out.

- I'm over twenty-one. - Yes, I know, but it's Wednesday.

Don't you want to see Coronation Street?

"See it"? I flamin' live in it.

- Who're you going with? - Ah.

That'd be telling.

Mrs Booth. Mr Booth.

Annie, are you ready?

Yes, Joe.

Don't wait up for me.

Am I going stark raving mad, love...

...or did I just see my mother go out with a golliwog?

She'll be all right.

It's him I'd worry about.

Now we're on our own, why don't we have an early night?

In any case... she hasn't even got a key.

- So leave the front door open. - Leave the front door open?

With Jungle Boy living next door? Huh!

Not bloody likely.

You could be ravished in your sleep.

Chance'd be a fine thing.

No, Joan. I'm waiting up for my mother.

I don't trust her with Sambo Senior.

- They're lovely, aren't they, these chips - Oh, yes.

D'you have the same thing in Trinidad?

- Er, oh, um... um. - Listen...

I'll have to be getting in, it's past midnight.

Mmm. Have you got a key?

Yes. I've borrowed Joan's. She'll never notice.

Oh. Um, what about Friday? Is it all right?

Yes, that's on as far as I'm concerned.

Good.

Do you think our sons will object?

Only if we tell them.

Goodnight, Joe.

Goodnight, Annie.

An' it was as big as...

- Blimey, you look a bit rough. - I feel bloody rough, I tell you.

- 'Ere come the blacks. - Right, lads. Spread out.

Assume positions. And remember...

...we picket by the rule book. Peaceful persuasion.

'Ey, what if we don't persuade 'em?

We knock their big black 'eads in.

Right, are you gonna let us pass?

- Rejoin the union? - No.

Well, cobblers to yer.

That is violence of the tongue.

- If you don't get back you'll get... - violence of the fist.

That's tellin' him, Eddie.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. And honkies, we'll be back!

We'll be waiting.

Go on, get out. Out!

Come on..!

Right.

- All right, take it easy. - Look...

- ...why don't we just rush them? - Oh, very, very good idea.

The Charge of the Black Brigade!

A few swift kicks up the Khyber...

- ...and we'd soon be inside. - No...

...that wouldn't do any good. Too many of them, man.

Oh, dear. We are losing before we have even started.

Oh, no, we aren't.

Whitey is not going to stop us from working.

All right, take it easy, man. You have two pee?

Okay, fellers...

...I've something up my sleeve. Come on.

I'll buy anovver one. Huh. Blackies.

Yeah, I'll stick on that.

Right. Oh...

Pontoons and five-card tricks only.

You jammy sod!

This goes on any longer...

- ...you'll be 'avin to retire. - Ah! Look!

What?

Help!

- Help, please! - Please, someone help us!

- What's that? - Cor!

- Hey, you! - Hang about.

Get on with it!

Help, help! Someone help us!

- What's the trouble, chucky egg? - Our friend feels faint.

Oh, thank God. At first I thought she'd had a black out, you know.

Well, if she's faint we should loosen her sweater a bit.

No, no, no, no, I'll give her the kiss of life.

- I'll massage 'er legs. - Yeah.

- That won't do her any good. - No, but it'll do me the world of good.

Would you like a cup of water, love?

Oh, you are kind.

I'll hold her for you, Eddie.

Bloody Nora!

Black power! Black power!

Now, remember, boys - keep your eyes open.

- Yup. - We were tricked yesterday.

But once bitten is twice shy.

- Right! - So we'll keep these positions.

We don't move an inch.

No matter if Shirley Bassey comes down that street naked.

- Phwoar! - Have you all got that?

Definitely.

- Any questions? - Have I time to go for me camera?

- What do you want your camera for? - Take her picture.

- Whose picture? - Shirley Bassey.

Somebody tell 'im.

He's in a world of his own, this one.

- Hold on a minute... - Hey! Hey!

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Can you open the gate?

I'm sorry, mate. You can't come in here. We're picketing.

Look, mate, I've got something in the back I'm supposed to deliver.

Well, you're not delivering in here today.

I'll report you to the Transport Union.

I don't care if you report me to the Mother's Union.

Sod off!

- Looks like we're winning today, Eddie. - Yes, Terry. You see...

...it's only a question of perseverence.

'Ang about, here's anovver one.

- Oi, just a minute. - 'Old it.

- You can't come in here. - Why not?

Never mind why not, Sambo - hop it.

Whatever you say.

But don't blame me when the beer runs out in the club.

'Ere, be a nasty situation if the beer does run out, Eddie.

Oi, hang about old friend. Old friend...

...beer is neutral - right, lads?

- Open the gates. - Aye.

Come on, now, let him through.

Hip, hip, hooray! Ha, ha!

Now, lads...

...they won't get in today.

- But you said that yesterday. - It'll be different today.

That's what you said the day before.

The trouble is, we're abiding by the rules...

...while the jungle bunnies are resorting to trickery.

They're not playing the game like white men.

They'd have a bloody job on!

Nevertheless, brothers, I think we can safely say...

...we have gained the upper hand. It's half past ten already.

- ...and not a Sambo in sight. - Yeah.

Right, men. Man the gates.

I'm going to the social club for a pint...

...so let me know if there's any trouble.

I'll come down and let you know right away.

Oi! Eddie!

"We shall overcome." Greetings from Black Power!

"We shall overcome." - You black bas...

"Some day!"

"Oh, deep in my heart"...

..."I do believe."

"We are the champions!"

"We are the champions!"

"We..." Hey, how's the strike going, o Great White Union Chief?

What the'ell are you doing in here? Your lot's blacklegs.

We're club members.

- Bu... - They are entitled to. It's in the rules.

Well, we should change 'em.

We don't want illiterate savages in here.

When are you leaving, then, Eddie?

Take no notice of them, Eddie.

There's none of us safe with that lot.

'Ave a bit of that.

Oh, dear.

This beer taste off to you?

Never mind the swining beer. They're not used to strong drink.

Look, they'll be safe as long as they stick to drinking bitter.

It's not funny, Arthur.

I mean, it's all right for us but to them, it's like... it's like firewater.

Aye. It inflames them, you know?

Quite right, Jacko. A few of pints of this and they could go beserk.

You'd better watch it, honky. I'm onto my sixth pint.

We're working ourselves up into a frenzy.

Yeeaarrgh!!

There you are - what did I tell you?!

Take no notice. They're just havin' you on, Eddie.

Don't you believe it, Arthur!

They're only once removed from cannibals.

A few more pints of this and... we could all end up in their dinners.

Is everything all right?

Yes, I told Joan we're going to bingo again.

Oh, dear. I told Barbie we were going to the pictures.

Oh, 'elp!

Oh, you've let us in for something, Joe!

- Yeah, well, goodnight, Eddie. - Goodnight, Arthur.

- Goodnight Jacko. - 'Night, Eddie.

Hey, don't be late in the morning for picketing.

- No, we won't. - Psst.

- Goodnight. - Pardon?

Psst!

- Who is it? - Over here, Eddie.

What's all this, then?

It's all that bitter, Eddie.

We've gone back to the law of the jungle.

- Oh! - We've decalred war on the white man.

And you...

...you are our first victim.

Yeah, but it... No! No!

Bu... Bu... I...

NO!

White man...

...PERISH!

Billy! Billy! Billy!

Don't play sily beggars!

A, a joke's a joke!

This is no joke, bwana!

It's a long time since I tasted white man's meat!

YUM, YUM!

You... you... you... wouldn't like me.

I, I, I'm all gristle.

I wouldn't say so.

Lots of meat here!

Get your... ARRGH!

Fellers!

Bring on the vegetable!

POTATOES!

Why don't she take the pill?

- Oh, she don't 'old with pills. - Well...

- ...she'll 'ave to get 'im seen to. - Oh, ho! 'Ee won't like that.

We 'ad our ginger tom doctored and he went very strange.

- Is he workin' yet? - Workin'?! Hah!

'Ee ain't got no strength left to work!

Heard a noise.

- It is the cleaning women. - Then come on, fellers, let's split.

What about Eddie?

No, no, no. He'll be all right. He's only fainted.

Well, sh... should we not be putting his trousers back on?

Nah, nah, leave him just as he is. Come on.

There's somebody in the kitchens!

'Oo d'you think it is?

- P'raps it's a burglar. - Ooh.

Is anybody there? - Oh...

...don't be so daft! If he was a burglar 'e wouldn't answer you, would he?

Shall we go and have a look?

Oh, I don't know if we should.

'Ere...

...we could get raped.

We should be so lucky.

- Can you see anything? - No.

That's funny. There's a pile of clothes 'ere!

Shirt, underpants, boots...

...trousers.

Jacket.

Oh!

What was that?

- It's comin' from the boiler! - Ooh... Gawd.

Uh... Oh.

No, No! Don't go!

You... you've got me clothes.

Uh...

Aw.

Taxi... taxi... taxi.

Oh, bloody Nora, I haven't got any money.

Agh! Ooh.

He's in there - exposing himself.

Well, he's not here now, miss. You must have scared him.

Well, he didn't half frighten me, I can tell you.

Yes. Yes. Of course. Now then...

...what, what did he look like?

Naked, he looked like.

Huh, yes... but, I mean, was he, er, was he big or small?

I don't know - he had a tea towel on.

Well, uh, er, apart from him being naked...

...did you notice anything unusual about him?

A red stripe.

Red stripe?

On his tea towel.

On his...

...yes, miss. Well, er...

...people imagine they see all sorts of funny things, 'specially at night-time.

If I was you I'd, eh, get off home, eh? Ha, ha.

Evening, miss.

HEY!! Maple Terrace - and make it bloody quick.

It wasn't funny.

Ooh. I wish I could've been there to see your face.

I was lucky not to catch pneumonia.

I've got a good mind to phone the police.

Oh, it was only a joke. They didn't actually cook you.

They might've done...

...if I hadn't fainted.

See who that is.

Postcard here, five pee.

Oh, aye, are you selling 'em now, then?

Five pee - excess. There's no stamp on it.

It's from your brother-in-law, Cyril.

He's in Tangier.

I might have known.

I bet he knocked the bloody card off as well.

Hang on a minute.

There. Ta.

- Who was at the front door? - Prince Philip.

He wants to know if I'm free for polo on Sunday.

Oh, aren't we witty this morning?

It's from your Cyril - the Casanova of the Casbah.

- What's he want this time? - Doctoring, if you ask me.

- Don't be vulgar. - Well, read it.

He's put somebody else in the club.

I'm sure he can't help it. It's that climate out there.

- I think the heat affects him. - Oh, give over.

He got two birds in trouble on that ski-ing holiday in the Cairngorms.

Don't exaggerate.

Give your mother a shout.

Mum.

- Mum! - She must still be asleep.

Well, I'm not surprised. What time did she get in last night?

Long before you did, my little meat and two veg.

Mum!

- I'll go up and wake her up. - All right, love.

See yer tonight, then.

Irish stew all right for tea, dear?

No, I'll try a stick of black pudding.

Oh!

Eddie?

- Yes, love? - She's not here.

Pardon?

Your mother-she didn't come home last night.

Her bed's not been slept in.

It's that nig nog. He's bloody ate 'er!

Hey, hey. Hold it. You trying to break down the door?

What have you done with my mother, Sambo?

I haven't seen your mother, honky.

She was out with your father last night. She ain't come home yet.

I don't blame her. If I was your mother I wouldn't come home either.

It's nothing to bloody laugh about.

Fetch your old feller. I want a word with him

Bill! - Huh?

Your father never came home last night.

I knew we'd have trouble with Al Jolson as soon as I clapped eyes on him.

No. Nothing wrong with my father, you know.

I'll have him deported for this.

I never did trust the old crow, anyway.

He's seduced her.

If there was any seducing done it was your mother who did it, you know?

Cobblers. My mother wouldn't seduce anybody.

Least of all a senile old Sambo!

Ever swallowed a bunch of black fives yet?

All right, you two, now calm down!

Calm down?! Calm down! How can I calm down?

For all we know she could be in a canoe now...

- ...half way up the bloody Zambezi. - Yes... yes...

...and my father's probably been...

...shanghaied up the ships' canal to Manchester.

The Manchester Ship Canal.

Can't you get anything right? Bloody chocolate drop.

- Look! - Joan! Joan!

Hit him with the kettle! You give him one!

Now, it's something borrowed, something blue.

- Does it look all right? - It's lovely.

All the same, I still feel a bit guilty.

What for?

Well, I think we should have told them, really.

Well, If we had done we probably wouldn't be sitting here now.

No, but we ought to let them know we're all right.

After all, they might be worried.

If it'll make you happier, I'll go and ring your Eddie.

Hello?

It's the mother-stealer.

What have you done with my mother? You black Casanova!

Eddie!

Hello?

Mr Reynolds, is everything all right?

Hmm. I see.

Yes, of course.

Yes, we were worried.

Pardon?

Oh. Very well.

Goodbye.

- Hey, are they all right? - Where've they been?

What's happened to my mother?

If you let me get a word in, I'll tell yer.

Your father and Eddie's mother were invited to a party.

It went on a bit late so they stayed the night.

I knew it. He seduced her

Dirty old sod.

- Where was the party? - Just outside Richmond.

Some friend of your father's he knew in Trinidad.

Hey, Elroy.

- When are they coming back? - I don't know.

He had to hang up because the Registrar wanted to use the phone.

- Registrar? - What were they doing at a Registrar's?

There's only three reasons why you go to a Registrar...

...births, deaths and marriage.

Well she's not having a baby. They're not dead. Bloody Nora!

They're getting married!

- Oh, that's ridiculous. - Look, we gotta stop them.

I don't want a drop of white blood in MY family.

Come on!

Hey! Pay the man.

I've no money... you pay him.

Look, I've no money. It was your idea in the first place.

Hurry up!

We don't want to be late.

- Excuse me. Excuse us, please. - Hey! Hey! Hey!

- What's the matter? - Don't you wanna kiss my bride?

You don't understand. We want to get inside quickly.

- Not good enough for you, I suppose? - No, no, you see...

...we're in a hurry, we've gotta meet somebody inside.

Look, Eddie, we'll be quicker to kiss the bride, huh?

- Yes. - Oh!?

Hmm, she's very nice, isn't she?

- Come 'ere. - HEY!

And now, I pronounce you man and wife.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, Elroy.

And thank you, Joe - and thank you both for coming to our wedding.

It was wonderful!

I've never been to a blackie wedding before.

Now if you care to step through to my office...

...I'll give you your marriage certificate.

Oh, don't they make a lovely couple?

Well, don't cry.

Oh, I always cry at weddings. I'm very emotional.

Hey, stop this wedding! Stop it!

- Don't worry mum... don't cry. - What's going on out here?

I've come to stop this wedding.

I'm afraid you're too late.

They've just signed the marriage certificate.

Oh, have they indeed. Come here.

I now declare this ceremony null and void.

- I second that. - You shouldn't have done that, brother.

- Why not? - That was our marriage certificate.

Yours?

You great big pair of taters! Joe and me were only invited guests.

Bloody Nora!

They've ruined our wedding, Elroy.

Never mind, honey. I'll fix them both.

Now. Now. Now. Now. Temper, temper.

There they are!

I never saw them before in my life!

I... I was only wishing her luck.

- You'll be needing all the luck. - Er, now listen...

...before you do anything hasty, there's one thing I want to say.

- What's that? - Run for it, Bill.

Nice one, Bill.

- In here? - Yes, it's all right.

Don't hang about.

If only you'd told us.

What, with Bill and Eddie in the state they were in?

Well, we didn't want to cause any more trouble.

- No, course not. - Well...

- ...you couldn't have caused any less. - Just a minute.

Well, at least one good thing's come out of it.

Joan.

It brought the boys together.

Look, would you mind topping me up?

Come on.

You don't mind if I have one, do yer?

Oh no, course not. Have one on me.

Did you hear what I said? Did you hear what I said?

Get your 'and off me.

I said... I said...

..."'ave one on me, I said!"

Bloody marvellous, innit, eh?

I no sooner turn me back and they call the strike off.

Yeah, even my blacklegs rejoined the union.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, that reminds me - you still owe me union subs.

- Twenty-five pee. - You'll get it.

Yeah, I reckon you ought to give me fifty pee - you being a Tory.

I guess you'll want an extra fifty pee for being black, eh?

Ah, cobblers.

Hey. Hey.

- What? - Look at it.

Hold it still!

What the hell's goin' on here?

- Oh, is it somebody's birthday? - We're celebrating the armistice.

What're you talking about? What armistice?

- Between you and Bill. - We haven't declared any armistice.

No, but we have. We're sick and tired of all the arguing.

- Joan! - Don't argue.

It's time we learnt to live in peaceful coexistence.

Joan's right, son.

You can't let us West Indians down.

We have a reputation for being friendly.

And you know what they say about us northerners.

They say you can't ask for better neighbours.

Cheers!

Ah, dear.

Well..?

Well what?

Shake hands.

- Pardon? - You 'eard.

And that goes for you too, Bill.

Well, what do you think, then?

Well, seeing that we're stuck with living next door to each other...

Might as well make the best of it.

Put it here... neighbour.

Why not... friend.

You know, Bill...

...I think it's time we started to get on together.

Yeah, yeah. You're right, Eddie.

I mean, after all, we're both human beings.

True... very true.

We might have different coloured skins...

...but underneath, we're just the same.

No, I er... I wouldn't say that.

- Why not? - Well, it's obvious isn't it?

You see, underneath my white skin, I'm civilised...

...but underneath your black skin you're still primitive.

Look, you want me to dent your white face in?

Don't you go threatening me, Sambo!

- Who the 'ell are you? - I'm Carter.

You know, "Out and about with Carter", from the Gazette.

- It's about the competition. - What competition?

Well, the "Love Thy Neighbour" competition.

Your wives have put you up for it.

What, with this skinhead here? Man, you must be joking!

Well, don't you fancy a Mediterranean cruise?

Cruise..?

I wouldn't go on a cruise with Snow White here if they paid me.

And I wouldn't be caught on the same ship with this... poofy honky!

Don't you "honky" me.

Well, I hope you lot change your mind by next weekend.

'Cause you've won it.

An 'oliday for the nation's nicest neighbours.

Congratulations.

This is very nice, isn't it Eddie?

I don't know why they had to put us on the same table as Sambo.

I don't like it any better than you do, you know, honky?

To the loving neighbours...

...with the Captain's compliments.

Hello, Joan!

Cyril!

- What are you doing here? - Bloody Nora!

I thought you were in Tangiers?

I had to get out quick.

Don't tell us - running away from some girl?

No, I was running away from her father.

Here, I brought the girl with me.

He sounds just like his postcards.

I'm sorry, it's Barbie and Bill Reynolds, our next-door neighbours.

What the hell are you doing working here?

It's a working honeymoon. I'm married.

- Then congratulations. - Thank you.

Would you like to meet the wife? She's a stewardess on board.

Definitely. I'd like to meet my new sister-in-law.

And you keep your big black eyes off her.

Oi, Carol! Er...

...here she is.

- Carol! - Barbie!

- Hey, do you two know each other? - They ought to, they're sisters!

Sisters?! Sisters!

You know what this means, Joan?

Sambo and me are bloody related!

Welcome to the family, brother Eddie.

Ha, haah!

Bloody Nora!