Original subtitles

I was hitching a ride.

I was looking for my girlfriend, Michelle,

who'd just run off with a man called John Smith.

No, really, that was his name.

I knew him. It was John Smith.

Once at a party he tried to sell me a gun.

And then later, at the vine,

he made everyone quiet down for a few minutes

because I was singing along with the stereo.

And he liked my voice.

The traveling salesman had fed me pills

that made the lining of my veins feel scraped out,

my jaw ached.

I knew every raindrop by its name.

I s... Sensed everything before it happened.

I knew a certain oldsmobile would stop for me

even before it slowed.

And by the sweet voices of the family inside it,

I knew we'd have an accident in the storm.

I didn't care.

They said they'd take me all the way.

Pretty wet out there, isn't it?

We have kids so we're not gonna go very fast.

Come and play.

Peek-a-boo.

Peek-a-boo, I see you.

What a pair of lungs.

She shrieked as I imagined an eagle would shriek.

It felt wonderful to be alive to hear it.

I've gone looking for that feeling everywhere.

But I got ahead of myself.

Let me start at the beginning.

There were 2 men who got me mixed up with Michelle.

I met the first man with my friends tom and Richard.

I forgot my friends were even with me, but there they were.

And, once again I have to tell you I hated the two of them.

You see, the 3 of us had formed a group

based on something erroneous.

Some basic misunderstanding that hadn't yet come to light,

and so we kept on in one another's company.

Yeah, anyway, we found the first man, Stan,

the one I started to tell you about, asleep in my car.

Who's this?

Get out of my car, man.

Get out of my car, man.

What do you do in a situation like this?

Using sign language, Stan led us to a place

that stood all by itself out on the old highway.

I've been out on this road more than once,

and I never found anything that made me happy.

If you called ahead

we would have encouraged you not to bring him.

Anyway, he can't stay.

Tammy doesn't want him here.

OK, whoever Tammy is.

Now would be a good time to take him out of here.

You should let him stay.

Nope.

Is he really deaf?

That's a good one.

She likes you guys.

Hey, you're a dancer.

Wait.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Sorry.

Come on.

Michelle.

Would you get in the car?

Mcinnes.

Fuckhead.

Fh, narrating: I was carrying a gun,

but I never would have used it.

It was so cheap I was sure it would explode in my hands

if I ever pulled the trigger,

so it could only add to my humiliation.

Hey, where's mcinnes?

How the hell should I know?

What's wrong?

Come on.

Hey, we goin'?

Go. Go. Lose him.

See ya. Shit.

Go. Go. Go.

Hey, man... Lose him!

Get off my car.

Go! Lose him! Lose him!

Do you think he's all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

He's fine. He's just gonna go back to the party.

Don't worry about it.

It's mcinnes I'm worried about.

Mcinnes?

He caught me kissing Michelle.

Which one was Michelle?

All our lives clean, with the slate.

We just want you to be ready.

If he wanted to end it, he'd have ended it by now.

Yeah, well, it is hard to know what he's thinking sometimes.

Yeah. I agree.

But patience is a part of believing,

it's a part of this.

And, in the meantime, you prepare.

You wait for the day...

hey, can I keep this?

I've moved around my whole life.

This is the longest that I've lived anywhere,

18 months.

I don't have a job.

No kidding.

I smoke cigarettes.

And you talk nonstop.

No, I don't.

No, usually, I don't.

Except when I'm nervous.

Do I make you nervous?

No. No.

Yeah, maybe a little.

I heard about...

I heard about your boyfriend mcinnes.

I mean...

I was there.

I know.

I heard you tried to help him.

That you were the only one.

Is that true?

He... He almost made it.

What were you saying before

to those jehovah's witness guys?

Look what they gave me.

I was asking them if when we die,

if there's an ending to everything we know,

and if there is, then why don't we just die now?

You know, die to everything we know.

I mean, maybe living and dying are the same thing,

and maybe the fact that we've turned them into 2 different things

is why we feel so lost.

Man.

Wow.

I'm not planning on dying anytime soon,

but if I do, I'll sure to come back

and tell you all about it.

No, don't do that. Do us both a favor.

Rest in peace.

Can I kiss you now?

No.

Sorry, it sticks.

Oops, sorry.

The... Kitchen area.

This way.

This is the bathroom.

And... Yeah, don't look too close.

Wait. Hang on.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Just slow down.

Sorry.

Can we take a second? I just...

It seems kinda fast.

Well, I like it slow.

Hi.

You ever seen anyone shoot up before?

No.

Fh, narrating: I've been staying at the holiday inn

with Michelle.

Honestly, the most beautiful woman I'd ever known.

But wait a minute.

I never finished telling you about what happened to mcinnes, did I?

Or about the 2 men who led me to Michelle.

I never even started describing the second man dundun.

Hey.

Mcinnes isn't feeling too good today.

Mcinnes is here? Yeah.

Maybe I'll come back later.

Don't worry. I just shot him.

Y-you mean you killed him?

I didn't mean to.

Is he really dead?

No, he's sitting down now in the front room.

Dundun shot him?

Somebody shot somebody.

Here.

I don't want it.

OK.

Well, here, then.

No, thank you.

Aren't you taking him to the hospital or anything?

We started to.

How you doing?

I can feel it right here.

It's just stuck in the muscle.

It's not bad.

The cap didn't explode right, I think.

Misfire.

It misfired a little bit, yeah.

Well, how about I take him to the hospital?

I don't know.

Do you promise not to tell them anything?

I don't think he hears you.

Tell them it was an accident, OK?!

Promise?

What do you say?

W-what do you mean, what do I say?

You think I'm here because I know all about this stuff?

He's dead.

All right! I know he's dead!

Throw him out of the car?

Damn right! Throw him out of the car!

Do you think...

I'm glad he's dead.

He's the one who started everybody calling me fuckhead.

Don't let it get you down.

What a lousy birthday.

Fh, narrating: I don't know,

maybe he thought I might say something,

but will you believe me when I tell ya

that there was kindness in his heart?

His left hand didn't know what his right hand was doin'.

It's just that certain important connections

have been burned through.

If I opened up your head

and ran a hot soldering iron around in your brain,

I might turn you into someone like that.

So, there I was, staying at the holiday inn

with Michelle for 3 days under a phony name,

spending the last of her money.

Michelle loved to stay in hotels.

Christ, you've got a beautiful ass.

I like this ride.

How long have we been here?

We've got some dope left, too.

I don't care.

I don't care, either.

Fh, narrating: And then came one of those moments.

How do you think that makes me feel?!

Hey, you... you kicked me out.

She said I could crash... all right.

She said I could crash there,

and Tammy's not even your best friend.

I'd say you hardly even know her.

Look, I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking my clothes off so I could go to sleep.

I... I wasn't gonna take advantage of anyone.

You can kiss my ass!

She and you and her and everybody else!

Right!

Get out! I will...

get out!

Get out! Get out!

Get out!

Can I have my shirt?

Wait.

Maybe my jacket, too?

Hey!

Where's my money?!

I need cab fare.

We're broke.

Are you just gonna leave me high and dry?

God, you're so fucked!

Do you even understand anything?

No wonder everybody calls you fuckhead.

Fuckhead.

Fuckhead.

You don't need to call me that.

Fuckhead.

Fuckhead, fuckhead, fuckhead, fuckhead.

All right. Fuckhead, fuckhead, fuckhead, fuckhead!

Fuckhead, fuckhead!

No.

God, come here. Are you OK?

Hey, what's up, buddy?

All right, she's just feeling a little sick.

Bullshit. You punched her in the gut.

He did. He did. He did.

Somebody's going to get hurt over this.

Hey!

Stop, you stupid fuckin' dick-suckin' bitch!

Fuckhead!

You...

I'm fine.

You're the one.

What?

Last time you were in here,

you stiffed me.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You were with your friends.

They're not my friends anymore.

You owe me 8 bucks plus a tip.

You look very nice in your uniform.

How old are you, about 19?

Michelle didn't appear to be coming back anytime soon,

so I shot the last of our dope

and I went to the vine to find...

Wayne.

Fuckin' Wayne.

Goddamn it.

Wah.

Hey, how would you feel about making some money?

Aw, who knows?

I was just going to, go over in the corner there

and nod out.

Well...

I have decided in my mind

that we're going to make some money.

That's the only place you're gonna make some money.

So what?

I want you to come with me.

What, you mean, you need a ride?

I got the tools,

I just need your sorry-ass car to get around in.

You know you're bleedin' from the nose?

We doin' a, burgu... a burglary?

Can't burgulate if you got an empty house.

This is a salvage job.

This house has a terrible feeling about it.

Don't do that.

Why not?

It's stupid, that's why.

Sell the copper for scrap.

All right.

Hey, how much money do you think we can make on this?

Enough to go to bed drunk tonight.

Pipes are dry.

Hey!

Who owned these houses, do you think?

This is my house.

It is?

Was.

All this work is messing with my high.

Can't you find some easier way

to make your dollar?

Move.

What is that?

That is one beautiful sight.

Yep.

That was my wife.

Fh, narrating: As nearly as I could tell,

I'd wandered into some sort of dream

that Wayne was having about his wife and his house,

but I didn't say anything more about it

because, well, after all, in small ways,

it was turning out to be one of the best days of my life,

whether it was somebody else's dream or not.

We turned in the scrap wire for over $40...

Each!

Who'd you men pull off?!

No one. We worked.

Buy me a drink, you little crooks.

Nurse?!

Jack Daniels.

And we'll drink to my very favorite person who tends bar.

When you pour, darlin',

it's like hittin' the jackpot.

Honey, you got a good face,

but you can't sing for shit.

What the goddamn fucking piss-hell

is that supposed to mean?

This ain't school.

Sit down now...

Buy you a drink.

Fuck you.

Asshole.

Hey, nurse.

All the really good times happen when Wayne's around.

But this afternoon

was somehow the best of all those times.

We had money.

We were grimy and tired.

Usually, we felt guilty and frightened

because there was something wrong with us

and we didn't know what it was,

but today we had the feeling of men who had worked.

Yes.

All right, so, great, OK.

So we bought some dope and split it down the middle

and then I went looking for Michelle...

Knowing that when there were drugs around,

she surrendered.

Michelle?!

Baby?!

Baby, baby?

Honey?

Honey?

Honey!

Honey!

Honey!

Fuck!

Honey!

Honey!

Honey!

Honey?!

You fucker!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Baby!

Baby!

Baby!

Baby, sit up!

Honey, baby.

That's it. Honey, come on.

Come on.

I think he passed the roses and garbage

and purple light and the sorrowful mystery bullshit

to whatever's past that.

Michelle... Michelle...

I mean it, baby.

Through the rain and the desert.

Who are you?

I'm the soul for your soul.

I am your man.

Fh, narrating: As for Wayne...

He died.

I am still alive.

I've been working in the emergency ward

for about 3 weeks, I guess.

I'd taken the job because Michelle was pregnant

and I was trying to be responsible.

I had nothing to do on the overnight shift,

so I went looking for Georgie, the orderly.

He often stole pills from the cabinet.

What am I gonna do about these fuckin' shoes, man?

Whatever you stole,

I guess you ate it already, right?

Listen to how they squish.

Let me just check your pockets, OK?

All right.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, I hear something.

Right?

Yeah.

I hope you didn't do this to him.

Me? No, he was like this.

My wife did it.

Who brought you in?

Nobody.

I just walked down.

It's only 3 blocks.

OK, we... we better get you lying down.

OK.

I feel ready for something like that.

Name?

Terrance weber.

Your face is dark.

I can't see what you're saying.

Georgie?

What are you saying, man? I can't see.

What's going on, Georgie?

His face is dark.

How long ago did this happen?

Just a while ago.

My wife did it.

I was, peeping on the lady next door

while she was bathing.

My wife waited till I fell asleep

and then she decided she'd blind me.

Do you want me to call the police?

Not unless I die.

Here's the situation:

We need to get a team here.

An entire team.

I want... a good eye man,

the best eye man,

a great eye man.

I want a brain surgeon,

and I want a really good gas man.

Get me a genius.

I-I'm not touching that head.

W-we'll prep him, we'll prep this guy

and we'll just sit back and sit tight, all right?

Orderly?

Orderly?

Do you mean me?

Should I get him prepped?

Is this a hospital?

Is this the emergency room?

Is that the patient?

Are you the orderly?

Hey.

Hey, we got a guy down here

in the E.R. with a knife st...

hunting knife sticking into his brain.

Yeah, it's sticking into his brain.

Yeah.

Yeah, the family service doctor is here,

but he is, limited,

and he says he's not going to touch the head,

so we need a great eye man,

really quick,

like the best that you've got,

and a brain surgeon,

and a genius gas man.

Yeah, a real good one...

OK.

OK, yeah, thanks a lot.

That person is not right, not at all. Not one bit.

You know, as long as my instructions are audible to him,

it does not concern me.

Well, OK, OK. Don't... don't chew my head off.

OK.

All right, the eye man

is on vacation or something,

but the operator is calling around

to see if she can find someone

just as good.

All of the other specialists

are hurrying through the night

to join us.

Dr. shanis, if you're in the building,

please call the nursing station.

What do you got?

A guy with a knife in his brain.

Boy.

Patient complains of knife in the head.

Stabbing headache?

Where did you get that?

Your shoelace is untied.

How's the guy doin'?

Who?

Well, it's just a miracle

he didn't end up sightless or at least dead.

He's not dead?

No. His vitals are normal

and he still has excellent vision

in his one good eye.

So he's alive?

There's nothin' wrong with the guy.

It's just one of those things.

What do you do around here, anyway?

I save lives.

I think it's morning.

Do you want me to take you home?

No, no way.

I feel like a giant helium balloon.

Got to...

Doctor.

I gotta come down before Michelle sees me.

Come down? Then what are you doin' with my stash, man?

Hand it over.

All right. Hand it over.

It was just to stay awake.

Try nescafé,

dad.

Dear.

Pretend it's the first time.

Like we're new.

Heh!

All right.

I know it's kind of fast...

I really like you.

Can we just wait one second?

Right.

It seems kind of fast.

I like it slow.

I don't care if it takes one second

or it takes a million years.

I want to know everything about you.

All of it.

Ask me.

Like, like what do you like?

Like what?

Well, like what kind of music?

James brown.

You in love with me yet?

Shit.

Shit.

Say it.

Shit, we're in trouble.

Say it.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love you.

We're wrecking like trains.

I have to hold on to this job.

I have responsibilities now.

We're on the 7-month countdown to the baby.

You should clean out the hospital's speed stash.

That way you could do double shifts.

Me and Michelle are trying to stay clean.

I want to go to church.

You should go to the county fair.

I'd like to worship. I would.

They have these injured hawks and eagles there

from the humane society.

I need a quiet chapel about now.

That was the worst fair I've been to.

Where were the rides?

Well, there were rides.

I didn't see one ride.

There was the, merry-go-round,

there was a Ferris wheel,

and there was a thing they called the hammer

that people were bent over vomiting from after they got off...

Are you completely blind?!

What was that? A rabbit!

Something thumped.

You hit him. He thumped.

Rabbit stew.

Where's my hunting knife?

Where's my hunting knife?

Georgie...

We'll camp in the wilderness.

In the morning, we'll breakfast on its haunches.

Man, I should've been a doctor.

No way I'm eating those things.

Take 'em. Take 'em, I gotta drive, take 'em!

Yeah!!

We killed the mother and saved the children.

These rabbits better be kept warm.

Yeah!

No, they're hardly moving.

You know what we'll do?

We'll get some milk and sugar and all that.

We'll raise 'em up ourselves.

They'll get as big as gorillas.

Hey, you think the blue ones are downers?

Yeah, the blues one'll make you nod out,

and the yellows'll keep you going for the duration.

Which one do you want? I'll take both.

Hoo-hoo!

Do you realize it's going to snow?

This beautiful chill!

This... this... this sudden Christmas!

The tang of everything stabbing me!

Hoo-hoo!

What's that smell?

Hey, be careful about the bunnies.

I got 'em, I got 'em.

Ahead, yonder!

I've never seen this cemetery before.

What cemetery?

Georgie, can't you see?

See what?

God, can't you see?

See what?

It's the drive-in, man.

Drive-in?

They're showing movies, and nobody's even here.

I see.

I, I thought it was something else.

I have to get back.

How far are we from home?

We're right outside town.

We've just been driving around and around.

This is no place to camp.

I can hear the interstate.

Right over there.

We better get some milk for the bunnies.

No, we don't...

We don't have milk.

We'll mix sugar up with it.

Just, forget it.

Forget... forget about the milk all of a sudden.

They're mammals, man.

No, forget about the rabbits.

Where are they, anyway?

You're not listening to me.

Forget... About... The rabbits.

Where are they?

They... They...

They...

They, they slid around behind me and got squashed.

They slid around behind?

Man.

My...

God!

Everything is here.

Little feet, eyelids, even whiskers.

Deceased!

Does everything you touch turn to shit?

Does this happen to you every time?

No wonder everybody calls me fuckhead.

It's a name that's going to stick.

I realize that.

Fuckhead is gonna ride you to your grave.

I already said so.

I agreed with you in advance.

Fh, narrating: Maybe that wasn't the night

I rolled over on the bunnies and flattened them.

Yeah, maybe that was another... another time...

either way, it doesn't matter.

Wh-what's important for me to remember now

is that... that early the next morning

the snow was melting off the... the windshield,

and the daylight woke me up, and...

I was gonna be a father.

I was 24, 25, something like that.

My fingertips were all yellow from smoking.

We'd come to Chicago because Michelle was with child.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb... Jesus.

Holy Mary, mother of God,

pray for us sinners

now and at the hour of our death, amen.

Fh, narrating: There was nothing stopping Michelle and me

from having a baby,

except ourselves.

Name?

Sorry I'm late.

Michelle. Michelle.

My appointment was at 3:30.

Somewhere around there.

Here you are. Come with me, hon.

Let's get you settled.

You can't just stand there.

Then I'll go sit down over there.

That'll be fine.

I know that'll be fine.

Or you can watch the film.

What's the film?

Vasectomy is a very simple procedure.

It's performed right here in the office setting as a rule.

It, is intended

to be a permanent type of a sterilization,

and I would hope that that's what you had in mind.

If you are not satisfied that this is...

I'm not ever getting anybody pregnant again.

I know that much.

Would you like to make an appointment?

Would you like to give me the money?

It won't take long to save the money.

It would take me

forever to save the money.

Michelle is comfortable now.

Is she dead?

How you feeling?

I don't know.

What did they stick up you?

What?

What?

Hey, OK, out of here.

Look, just... just give me a minute.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we could... maybe we could try again.

Something is wrong with you.

I don't think this man really needs to be in the building.

I just...

Wait outside, please, sir.

There just wasn't enough time...

if you want to go wait outside for her, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fh, narrating: The catholics splashed holy water on my cheek

and the back of my neck, and I didn't feel a thing.

Not for many years.

Think of being curled up

and floating in a darkness.

Even if you could think,

even if you had an imagination,

would you ever imagine its opposite?

This miraculous world?

The Asian taoists call it 10,000 things.

And if the darkness just got darker...

And then you were dead...

What would you care?

How would you even know the difference?

You're gonna be so happy when you get there.

Fh, narrating: The next morning I got back to the rebel motel,

and there was John Smith.

You drive around in this striped, pink car-thing.

It's like a real car, except smaller.

Everywhere you want to go.

Get out of my house.

If this is your house, pal,

it's no wonder your woman's hitting the road.

What? Wait. Hey, where you going?

Michelle?

Mexico.

John's got some work for me.

And there's these birds.

You know those huge, white birds

that float around on lakes and stuff like that?

They're called swans.

Whatever they're called.

They're called swans. They mate for life.

I don't really give a fuck who they mate for.

Anyway, they're all over the place down there.

It's like a paradise. Michelle?

Are you high?

No.

Yeah, but...

I need to talk to you.

She's got her future to think of.

John, just keep out of it.

What if you just tried a little harder?

What if you just try to make it work?

What if you just pretend that you were the one?

Don't do this, baby.

Are you gonna answer my question or not?

What question?

Fh, narrating: There was a guy down near the front of the car,

and there was something about him.

I don't know what it was.

I followed him because...

I don't know why. I guess he looked lucky.

He had a hood on.

They're looking for a guy with a hood on.

What he do?

Nothing. Some guy got murdered last night.

Hey.

You were on the El.

You following me?

Hey!

Fh, narrating: I took off

because my throat was closing up

and, suddenly, I had an erection.

I knew men got that way about men,

but I didn't know I did.

His chest was like Christ's.

That's probably who he was.

I could have followed anybody off that train,

it would have been the same.

Michelle.

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.

Yeah, for some reason,

Mexico stands out in my mind.

Hello?

Wait. Iowa city?

Fh, narrating: Anyway, like I started to tell you before,

I was hitching a ride looking for Michelle.

I'm gifted with love. I love my kids.

I love all my relatives.

Fh, narrating: The pills the traveling salesman had fed me

made the lining of my veins feel scraped out.

My jaw ached...

She's cute.

I knew every raindrop by its name.

I sensed everything before it happened.

I knew a certain oldsmobile would stop for me

even before it slowed.

And by the sweet voices of the family inside it,

I knew we'd have an accident in the storm.

It's all right.

You're gonna be OK.

There's been an accident!

Go for help!

You smell.

So how was Mexico?

Hot.

But I made good money.

I was gonna go down there and find you,

but then I heard you were here.

I was in a bad car wreck.

What?

Were you driving?

What difference does it make?

People died.

I saved the baby.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Forget about it.

I shouldn't have come here.

I'm going.

No. Come inside.

Really?

No. Just wait.

I'm clean.

Look, I can help you.

Fh, narrating: We stayed in that place for a week.

We made love in the bed,

ate steaks at the restaurant,

we fought, cried,

begged of one another,

forgave, promised...

And...

Carried one another to heaven.

All the time, see?

You're back.

Fh, narrating: Then one night, after one of our fights,

I left and walked the streets.

I'm sorry...

My sweet angel.

I'm sorry.

What?

Baby...

Michelle, wake up. Wake up.

Baby?

Baby!

Baby!

Wake up!

My God!

Wake up! Wake up!

Come on!

Hey, wake up.

Hey, do you want to try a pill?

What kind of pill?

Psychedelic mushrooms,

all ground up.

That's the biggest pill I've ever seen.

Look at it.

It's like an egg.

It's like an easter-thing.

Are you hearing any unusual sounds or voices?

Not exactly.

Not exactly. Now what does that mean?

I'm not ready to go into that.

It's OK.

You'll be OK.

Gauze.

OK, convulsing.

We need an orderly in here, quick!

Nurse's voice, echoing: Quick, quick, quick...

Don't get tricky with the mustache.

OK, so far?

Yeah, so far.

I'll do the other side.

That would make sense, partner.

There are some people out there

who would like to know a thing or 2 about you.

Would you describe yourself for those people?

I don't know.

I'm like a fat piece of shit, I guess.

He's overweight.

I've been shot twice, though.

Twice?

Yeah, once by each wife.

Total of 3 bullets

making 4 holes.

3 in, one out.

And you're still alive?

Are you kidding?

No.

Well, that is too bad

because it makes you sound awful stupid

asking if I'm alive 'cause obviously I am.

Well...

Maybe I mean alive...

Careful.

In a deeper sense.

You could be talking and still not be alive

in a deeper sense.

Well, there's no deeper shit

than the kind we're in right now,

I'll tell you that.

What are you talking about?

It's great here.

They even give you cigarettes.

Well, they didn't give me any yet.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Pay me back when you get yours?

Maybe.

You got a wife?

No. I mean... No.

I... but I just can't talk about that right now.

Look, there's no problem.

You don't have to talk about it.

So, what did you say when she shot you?

I said, "you shot me."

Both times? Both wives?

Well, the first time I didn't say anything

'cause she shot me in the mouth.

So you couldn't talk?

No, well, I mean, I was knocked out cold

is the reason that I couldn't talk.

And I still remember the dream that I had

when I was knocked out that time.

What was the dream?

Well, now, how can I explain that to you?

I mean, it was a dream.

It didn't mean a fucking thing, man.

Anything. Anything at all.

Well, there is one thing.

The dream that I had keeps coming back over and over.

And I mean when I'm awake.

Every time I think about my first wife,

I remember that she pulled the trigger on me,

then here comes the dream.

Did you ever see that Elvis Presley movie follow that dream?

Follow that dream, I did see that,

and I was just gonna mention that.

You saw that?

No. OK, you're all done.

There was a song, follow that dream, too.

Look in the mirror.

Right.

What do you see?

How did I get so fat when I hardly eat?

Is that all?

Wrecked cars.

Any people in them?

Yeah.

Who?

The people are just dead meat now, man.

Is that really how it is?

How would I know how it is?

I just got here and it stinks.

Are you kidding?

Hey, they're pumping halidol by the quart.

It's a playpen.

Yeah, well, I'm older than you are.

You can still go on the wheel

a couple more times, you know, and get off

with all your arms and legs stuck on right.

Not me.

Hey, you're doing fine.

Hey, talk into here.

Talk into your bullet hole?

Yeah.

Talk into my bullet hole,

and tell me that I'm fine.

Fh, narrating: So, that... that brings me up to...

to Phoenix.

I was a whimpering dog inside,

nothing more than that.

When I found a job writing the Beverly home newsletter,

I believed I was happy about it

because people...

counselors, narcotics anonymous members and such...

seemed to think a job was a happy thing.

Not all of the people living at the Beverly home were old.

Some were young, but paralyzed...

Some weren't past middle age, but were already demented...

Others were fine, except they couldn't

be allowed out on the streets

with their impossible deformities.

They made God look like a senseless maniac.

There's a price to be paid

for dreaming.

Fh, narrating: You and I don't know about these diseases

until we get them,

in which case we will also be put out of sight.

Well, here he is. Gotta go.

How's it going?

Hi.

Here's the...

There's the next issue.

You know, it's part of your job to touch the residents here.

These people, more than anything, they need to be touched.

OK.

So, when you say hello to them,

be sure to put your hands on them.

OK. OK.

OK. OK.

OK.

Fh, narrating: Each day, on my way to Beverly home,

I'd walk by a row of houses on the way to the bus stop.

And one day I heard the sound of a woman singing.

She must not have understood

that somebody might be able to hear her.

I thought of mermaids.

I used to walk around at night all alone,

and, you know, all screwed up.

You know?

You ever do that?

You know, walk past the houses

with the curtains in the windows

and you feel like you're toting

a big cart of sins behind you?

And did you ever think that behind those windows,

behind those curtains,

that people are leading normal, happy lives?

Well, that's my goal now

is to be one of those people

on the other side of those curtains.

Have my own window, you know?

Hi.

Thanks, Chris. Thanks a lot for your story, man.

Don't forget, everybody...

I'll drive.

Is anyone going downtown?

No, sorry, I'm not. Are you going home?

Yeah, but I'm stopping by my mother's.

Where you headed?

Las colinas boulevard?

I'll take you there. Come on.

So what brought you here?

You mean to a.A.?

No, to Phoenix.

I don't know. I thought my...

a couple of reasons.

For one, I thought my brother was here.

Well, is he?

No.

It's right here.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know where he is.

What was the other reason?

My... my girl...

my girlfriend's not here... around anymore.

I mean, she oded.

God.

I know what that's like.

It's open.

Can you hold this?

Yeah. Thanks.

Nurse!

Here you are. Let me help you.

Get off the chair!

Off the chair! Get your hands off!

OK. OK. OK.

Help me.

I'm stuck.

All right, there you go.

Off the chair!

I know where I'm going.

Sometimes her husband came home before I left.

Seeing them in their getup, I understood.

They were amish.

Or more likely mennonites.

What?

I can't... I'm sorry, but...

I... I can't understand.

It's all right, Max. It's all right.

Here, let go.

All right, fine.

Max got a letter today.

His wife's divorcing him.

She dropped him off here 2 years ago and never came back.

Here. I think you'd better wait outside.

Come on now. Let's go inside.

No more pretending for him.

He was completely and openly a mess.

Meanwhile the rest of us go on trying to fool each other.

Take what you need.

Shit!

I had one boyfriend who got killed by a train.

His car stalled on the tracks.

And he thought he could get his motor firing

before the engine caught him, but he was wrong.

My first husband fell through a thousand evergreen branches

in the mountains up around chollo.

He was a tree surgeon, and he crushed his head.

I had a boyfriend in the marines who got it in viet nam.

Well, 2 boyfriends who died in the marines.

Another one named Zack got killed in a one-car accident...

Right out of basic training.

Almost... Every man I've ever loved ended up getting killed.

I told you about my third husband, didn't I?

The one who almost bought the pet shop?

He was the one who wrote to me he was going to o.D.

You know, if it wasn't for him dying young,

I probably'd still be out there with that old man.

I was married to a black guy once,

but...

He got shanked in prison.

That means stabbed. Stabbed to death.

Doesn't it make you grateful

because they were people just like us?

Only unluckier.

I have an announcement to make...

And an apology.

It seems that I forgot,

left out,

somebody's birthday last month.

Isaac christopherson...

Turned an impressive 70.

Hoo.

Hoo!

Many happy returns to you, Isaac.

There will be...

6 birthday people next month.

6? 6?

And watch for the November Beverly home news

to find out who they are.

Hoo! Way to go!

Hoo.

Hey, old friend.

Hey!

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm fine. What about you?

I was... I was hoping maybe I'd see you here.

Want this?

OK, thanks.

Yeah?

You weren't at the last couple of meetings.

Yeah. Well, I don't come to all the meetings.

It was really my husband's...

my last husband...

I just come for the support.

I didn't know.

So how 'bout you?

How's it going?

I'm... It's all right.

I'm taking a new approach to life.

I'm not stealing.

I'm trying to see each task through to its end,

that kind of thing, you know, simple?

That's good.

Do you dance?

I mean, do y... would you...

do you think you'd like to dance?

Well, usually, I just watch.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But OK.

Really? Sure.

It's no big thing.

Here the...

no. That's OK.

That's nice. Just like that.

Damn.

God.

Fuck it.

As for the mennonite couple after about a month,

you could almost say our schedules were coordinated.

I just got so I enjoyed seeing them

sitting in their living room talking...

Or saying grace or eating their supper.

You're not being fair.

I don't wanna talk now.

I was still learning to live sober.

And in fact, I was often confused.

But I was in a little better shape every day.

I was getting my looks back.

And this was, all in all, a happy time for me.

I didn't spend a lot of time there,

but I felt about the circular hallway of the Beverly home

as I felt about the place where...

Between our lives on this earth we go back

to mingle with other souls waiting to be born.

All these... Weirdos

and me getting a little better every day

right in the middle of 'em.

I had never known...

I had never even imagined for a heartbeat...

That there might be a place in the world for people like us.

Captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national captioning institute ...Www.Ncicap.Org...