Original subtitles

Oh, my God. I can't watch this.

Just tell me what's going on.

- Jake! - Screw you, H&R Block!

Babe, you are falling asleep again.

Why don't we just go upstairs?

No. No way. Claire...

...we are living with a world-famous pop star.

We cannot let him see us go to sleep at... 9:25.

Well, it can't be worse than the time

that he saw us high-five over a coupon.

Okay, uh, we clearly have no choice here but...

to get super into cocaine.

This, coming from the guy who legitimately thought

he was becoming a chocoholic?

You have no idea what I almost did for a Snickers.

You know what?

This is our house, all right?

We get to decide when it's time to go to bed.

- And it's time to go to bed right now. - Thank you.

I'm sick of this, man, tiptoeing around here.

We going to sleep, all right?

- Hi guys. - Oh, hey, hey, what you doing

turning off the lights, girl? We're staying up all night.

What's wrong with you?

What's up, man?

Not much. My stuff's getting delivered to the house tomorrow,

so I thought I'd head to bed early.

Oh. God. Thank God.

Okay, we are also going to bed,

but we didn't want to say anything, 'cause we were

- afraid you'd think we're losers. - Yeah.

No way. Bed is awesome.

In fact, we should all head up there together.

Well... No, no.

No. We...

No. Right? No.

Ah, uh, Coops, we're very flattered,

and we wish we could say that was the first time

someone asked us to sleep with them...

- Yeah, we misread a Craigslist ad. - Yeah.

But, as handsome

as we both find you, that's just not on the table.

Not gonna share my Claire.

Are we talking about Bed, the nightclub?

- Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. - No.

Okay. Well, have a great sleep, guys.

Hey, just because we're going to bed doesn't mean

we're going to sleep.

We about to do it.

Going right to sleep.

Come on, honey. Come on, come on.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Claire-bear, check it out.

I got a dolly to help us move Cooper's stuff.

Oh, great.

Ooh, you think he's gonna have one

of those super fancy giant TVs?

Like, a 200-inch IMAX one with GPS,

all-wheel drive and cup holders?

You don't know much about TVs, do you?

I do not.

Uh-oh.

- Oh. Hey. - Ah.

Ooh. Hi.

Hi. I have a delivery for a Mr. James?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, awesome.

Uh, electronics can go over here, right?

Uh, clothes can go upstairs,

and, uh, any exotic animals can just chill in the backyard.

I put out bowls of water.

Have a nice day.

But wait. Isn't there more?

Nope.

Huh.

- Okay. - Oh, here we go.

That'll do it.

Hey, that works, too.

Coop 'a noodles, what's up?

- Hey. - Got your stuff.

Aw, sick.

Yeah. Uh, is this one box seriously everything you own?

Yeah, man, what happened to all your other stuff?

You know, your Grammys, your Rolling Stone articles,

that wax sculpture that made you look like Angela Lansbury?

Yeah, I got rid of all that.

Now the only things I take with me are my guitar and this.

It's the last photo I took

with my family before I moved out of home.

Oh, what a cutie.

Wow. I've never seen a ten-year-old with a six pack.

And since I've moved around so much over the years,

it's always been easier to be a minimalist.

So you just throw everything away?

Yeah, I, uh... I scrub it all.

Do you guys know what I mean by "scrubbing"?

Who me? Yeah, dude, of course.

I love to scrub.

Scrub-a-dub-dub.

But, just so Claire doesn't feel left out,

why don't you bounce it her way, you know?

So, whenever I move in to a new place...

- Later, old place. - I get rid of all my old stuff.

- To the curb, y'all. - Yeah, it's best

just to let that stuff go, 'cause

I don't need things from...

...the past to remind me of who I am.

And that, young lady, is what scrubbing is.

You see, because me... me and Coops...

we get rid of everything,

because the past is not what defines us.

Jake, you are literally

surrounded by boxes of your old crap.

This? This isn't crap.

This is all the stuff from my past that defines me.

I am so sorry, Cooper, that you have been

living up here like this. I'm sure,

as a minimalist, being around all this junk

is driving you nuts.

Nah, it's actually refreshing.

People are always cleaning up after me,

but you guys don't even feel society's pressure

to clean up after yourselves.

Ouch.

You know, we will have this place scrubbed

by the end of the day.

'Cause, I mean, we do not need to keep copies

of all the letters that you wrote to Scottie Pippen.

No, no, no, we need to keep those,

because he literally wrote back to every one.

Okay. "Dear"...

different font... "...Jake,

"Thanks for your letter and/or drawing.

"Keep on trippin' for Pippen. Signed,

"Pat Lemieux, attorney for Scottie Pippen.

This letter does not reflect the views

of Scottie Pippen."

- Yeah. - Come on, Jake, it's dangerous

for him to sleep up here like this.

Oh, nonsense.

My stuff is organized and stacked meticulously.

Okay, obviously, I will get rid of the bowling ball.

So, as I was saying,

I will have this place scrubbed by the end of the day.

Hey, babe. How's the scrubbing going?

Oh, great.

I'm realizing all my stuff is awesome,

and I'm never getting rid of any of it.

Come on, there's got to be stuff in here that you don't need.

Okay, Cooper doesn't keep his real Grammys,

and this is a fake Grammy that you won

for best karaoke at your office Christmas Party.

Keeping it.

Well, you definitely don't need

this old plastic basketball.

Well, is it just an old plastic basketball, Claire,

or is it two basket-bowls?

Oh, my God, there's guacamole...

There's still guacamole in this.

Knock, knock.

Mom, you can't say "knock knock"

when you're already in the house.

Wow, uh,

you two are dressed an awful lot alike.

Yeah, whenever I buy a shirt for myself online,

I always click on the men's version as well.

- Ah. - It's a great system for us,

'cause we have the same style.

Forever 51.

Come on. You two, this is getting crazy.

You don't just dress alike.

You also split every meal and you watch all the same shows.

And it is perfectly natural

for a couple to merge together over time.

You know, just like... like Daddy's chest and back hair.

It'll happen to you, too. Before you know it,

Claire and Jake will cease to exist,

and in its place will be...

- ...Clake. - Clake.

Yes!

- Jinx. - Jinx.

- Love you. - Love you.

- Booga booga! - Booga booga!

You know, it is horrifying

to see the two of them combined into one person.

Uh, well, technically, that's me.

But I... I understand what you mean.

And don't worry. We are a young, cool couple.

We are nowhere near unisex shopping at Tommy Bahama.

So are you guys finally getting rid of all your old junk?

Uh, well, it's actually just me.

I have trouble throwing things out.

Doesn't seem to be a problem with Claire.

What? What? What's funny?

What-what are we laughing at?

Claire holds on to plenty of stuff.

She just does it in plain sight.

No, I-I... I do not.

Oh, really?

Do you see that "art" on the wall?

Yeah, it's a... Claire told me it was a Banksy print.

Yeah, if Banksy secretly worked at Kinko's.

That's just a collage of all of her

old concert tickets.

Wait a minute.

Wait. Claire, you lied to me,

and you saw Incubus this many times?

And what's in here?

That's the, uh, china Claire said

we're saving for a special occasion.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No. Okay, Jake, Jake, stop, stop.

Stop. I-I...

I need you to trust me.

Aw, Claire-bear.

That's what the villain says.

Oh, look what we have here.

Old, ratty concert T-shirts, uh,

and some mix tapes.

We got... Oh, my gosh.

What in the Bride of Chucky is this?

It's Rebethany.

That is her terrifying childhood doll.

Ugh. Rebethany.

No one can love Claire

like I love Claire.

Oh, God.

The funny thing is, we never even bought it.

It just... showed up one day.

Face it... you both have a bit of a hoarding problem.

Now, come on, honey.

We have to go to the bathroom.

Now, that is scarier than your doll.

All right, so here's the plan.

If we don't still use it, we lose it.

If we ain't playin', it ain't stayin'.

If it has no purpose, then we...

Uh, uh, we, uh...

We just put it in the throw pile.

We put it in the... Yeah. Okay.

So...

All right, well, this is a definite throw.

Yoink. That is...

a definite keep, all right?

This is my rec jersey, all right?

What... Oh, you still wear that?

I use it as motivation

to get back to my original weight.

What original weight,

eight pounds, seven ounces?

It's form-fitting, Claire, all right?

Stop focusing on my sexy jersey and focus on, uh,

scrubbing this creature from my nightmares.

Hey, hey. I can't get rid of Rebethany.

Both my parents always worked late,

and she was the only one who would listen to music with me.

Wherever you go,

I'll be there.

I'm starting to understand

why you guys had so many house fires.

Okay, well, what is this giant elastic band for,

really big accounting documents?

Claire, if you must know,

this is my Elasta-blaster Exercise Band.

Allow me to demonstrate.

I simply put this in the wedge of the door, right,

close said door,

put it around said body,

and, oh, look at all that resistance.

Huh? Look at that.

See, back when I played college ball,

this is how I used to explode through the lane.

I'd be like... And I'd be like...

And it's a great way to practice being held back in a fight.

Be like, "What? What you talkin' 'bout? No, no,

"no, no, no. Eliot,

"let me talk to him. Let me talk to him, Eliot.

"I just want to talk to him.

"Huh? What?

I'm-a kill him. I'm gonna kill him."

Hey, what's up, Coops?

- Hey. - When did you get here?

What are you guys doing?

Uh, we are trying to scrub our old stuff,

but it's harder than we thought to let go.

It can be tough.

Maybe the lyrics from my latest single can help.

- Oh, we love that song. - Mm.

♪ Don't let the past ♪

♪ Define who you are ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Shake that booty, yeah, yeah. ♪

You're probably just talking about that first line, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I've always thought that if you hold on to the past

too tight, you'll never be ready to embrace

who you are in the future.

Well, you are the most successful person we know.

And maybe we are holding ourselves back

by hanging on to all these memories.

Yeah, I guess we could get rid of some of this stuff.

If it helps, there's an old Australian proverb that says

if you throw something away and you're meant to have it,

it'll boomerang back to you.

That's funny. I have a Nerf Boomerang theory:

that everything will end up on the roof.

Well, thanks, Cooper.

Does it work?

Totally. I once threw this shirt out at a concert,

and, the very next night, a beautiful woman came up

to my hotel room and returned it to me.

She gave me my own shirt right off her back.

That... Wait a minute.

What did she wear in the hotel room?

Oh.

- She was topless. - Yeah.

She had her b...

Yo.

Claire-bear!

I'm back from Goodwill,

and we are officially scrubbed.

How'd it go, babe?

Oh, it was fine,

though there was a weird moment

when Rebethany slid out of her box

and got wedged under my brake pedal.

I think this is gonna be good for us.

We can't let the past define who we are.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, shake that booty ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪

It's time to embrace the future us.

- Oh... my... God. - Oh... my... God.

- Why are you wearing that? - Why are you wearing that?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- I got it online. - I got it online.

- Now we both paid for shipping. - Now we both paid for shipping.

- Stop doing that. - Stop doing that.

- Stop doing that! - Stop doing that!

- We're Clake. - We're Clake.

- I'm going to change. - I'm going to change.

- No, I'm going to change. - No, I'm going to change.

- Okay, you go ahead. - Okay, you go ahead.

- Ugh! - Ugh!

I know it's crazy, but it feels

like the moment we got rid of all our old stuff,

we merged into the same person.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Just give in to being Clake.

- But we don't want to be Clake. - But we don't want to be Clake.

Please.

Thank you.

But we don't want to be Clake.

I'm really sorry, guys.

If I'd've known the lyrics to "Shake Your Booty, Yeah, Yeah"

would've caused so much pain, I never would've written them.

Trust me, guys, it is so much better this way.

You always know what the other person is talking about.

For instance, if I say something vague, like...

"that actress with the hair,"

- Daddy says... - Naomi Watts.

- Mm-hmm. - And if I say

"the place with the chairs..."

Macaroni Grill.

Okay.

Well, you guys could just be making this whole thing up.

Oh, really?

What's that thing with the thing?

Slightly damaged golf umbrella.

- Can I help you? - Yeah,

I, um... I made my friends give all their stuff away,

and I feel like I ruined their lives.

Um, can I get it back?

Yeah, that sounds like a you problem, Crocodile Dun...

Oh, my God.

- You're Cooper James. - Hi.

Oh, my God.

You're funny.

So, can I get it back?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I mean, obviously, I want to,

but I just have to ask my manager first, so...

Tina, get your ass out here right now!

I'm on lunch.

Oh, Tina, stop studying.

You're never gonna graduate.

Just get out here!

She's so stupid.

Donna, what is your...

My good friend, Cooper James, left his stuff here

and needs some help getting it back.

Is that cool?

Oh...

Oh, damn it, Tina!

This is why celebrities never come in here.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Good news, guys. I have your stuff back.

You remember my bodyguard.

Ha-ha! Nightmare.

Same old Nightmare.

God, our treasures.

The boomerang theory is real.

Sorry we made fun of you about it.

You guys didn't make fun of me.

- Oh. - We did.

Ah. Rebethany!

Aw, how did someone not immediately buy you?

'Cause I don't think Satan shops at Goodwill.

My Grammy. Ha!

Uh, uh, this is so unexpected. Um...

Oh, wow, I'm shaking.

Uh, thank you, uh, the... to the academy. Uh, I want

to thank Cooper for bringing this back.

Uh... They're gonna play the music soon.

Um, uh, support music education!

Stupid.

You know, this is weird. Now that I'm looking at this,

I'm realizing I haven't been to a concert in years.

Really?

Well, not since the "flashing of the band" incident.

Never taking my mom to see Andrea Bocelli again.

Isn't he blind?

He is now.

And I haven't played in my rec league since, uh...

...2010.

Why'd you stop doing those things?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I-I like spending my nights with Jake.

And he hates live music.

But why'd you quit basketball?

You know, well, all the games were on Sunday mornings,

and that's when Claire and I go to the farmers' market

and buy a bunch of produce that we throw out on Thursdays.

Jake, I don't want to be the girl who stops you

from playing basketball.

Well, I don't want to be the guy that stops you

from going to concerts.

We're not becoming Clake because we scrubbed our old selves...

it's because we've stopped being our old selves.

Wait, so I didn't screw you guys up?

No way, man.

Turns out, uh, we were already screwed up.

We just have to schedule some time for you

to go out there and be Claire.

Yeah. And for you to be Jake.

- Thanks, babe. - Thanks, babe.

- Hey! - Hey!

- That... that was crazy. - That was crazy.

- Booga booga! - Booga booga!

Ah!

So, uh, do you think the ladies at Goodwill

will let you bring this stuff back?

Yeah, I really don't think I can go back there.

Bye-bye, basket-bowls.

- Whoa! Whoa. - Whoa!

Those went up quick.

Okay, well...

Farewell, Rebethany.

You only had one eye, but you saw me with two.

I'm proud of you guys.

You're way too young and cool to be living

like Bonnie and Gerald.

Which is why, tomorrow night,

I am going to a concert with my girlfriends.

- Ah. - Yeah, and I'm gonna

play basketball with my old crew.

Although it's been so long, I don't know

if I can still talk smack.

Man, your hair looks stupid!

Yep, still got it.

Hey, are you guys seeing this?

Oh, my God.

She's not burning.

- Aah! - Aah!

"Make me a grandchild, and I'll spare your soul..."

Uh, but seriously, it's-it's weird

that she's not burning, right?

- Yeah, we should probably go inside. - Yeah.

Good riddance.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.