Original subtitles

All over the city, it was an ordinary day for most people.

My name's Eddie Ginley,

a small-time bingo caller wanting to be a big somebody.

That day was my 31st birthday.

I could have been home blowing out my candles, instead of which

I was helping my psychiatrist keep count of my marbles.

The count was going slow.

-It's your turn, Doc. -I can't think of anything to say.

Well, you should say, "Think. What about your mother?

"Did you tap pencils when you were a Iad?"

I'm not a Freudian, Eddie.

I know, Doc. A job, a few potatoes, Iike the next gazebo.

-How's the act coming? -Fabulous. I top the bill.

Okay, so I announce the bingo. Is it a crime?

Eddie, what do you want to do?

-You've asked me that question for a year. -But you haven't answered for a year.

I want to write The Maltese Falcon, I want to record Blue Suede Shoes,

and I want to play Las Vegas.

-They've done the first two. -That's the rumor.

-Eddie. -What?

-Do you know what? -What?

-You're a bloody nut. -I owe it all to you, Doc.

-What's this? -I'm advertising.

Ironing can be fun.

I've been on my own for about a year,

ever since my best girl ran off with somebody else.

Somebody like my brother. That's why I ended up with a psychiatrist.

That's why I ran the advert in the paper.

Somebody had to give me a present. That's what birthdays are for.

The Ginley residence.

One moment. I'II see if he's in.

Ginley. What is it? Yeah?

No, I can't hear you.

What? Hang on, I've got a pencil.

Okay, shoot, but you're gonna have to speak up.

Yeah? Yeah.

Okay.

PIaza Hotel, room 322, 7:30.

I got to the Plaza at 7:25. I had it all figured.

The guys were throwing a surprise party for me, and they'd picked a classy joint.

It was the kind of place where the Axminster tickles your knees

and you need a black tie to take a bath.

Come in. Come in!

-41? -41!

Shut the door.

-Do they charge you extra for the Iight? -Shut up.

-I'm just trying to make small talk, mister. -It's not needed.

-Make your play. -To the right.

There's a dresser with a package on it.

-Got it? -Sure.

-What's the pitch? -Pitch?

-The job. -It's all in the package.

-And the folding green? -What?

-The money, $20 a day plus expenses. -Twenty dollars?

Twenty Iittle Ionely dollars.

We agreed sterling.

I can Iive with it.

-What are you waiting for? -I was just going.

We want results.

Broad at the shoulder, narrow at the hip,

and everyone knows you don't give no Iip to Big Ed.

I hadn't got a good look at the fellow,

but if the guys had hired him to give me the present, he'd done a good job.

It gets around that you read thrillers,

and pretty soon, everyone's coming on like they were packing a rod.

But thoughts like that could wait. I was late for the club.

-Eddie! -The PIaza telephone number?

-Where the hell have you been? -Tommy, the PIaza phone number?

Maritime 5050. Where the hell have you been?

Where the hell did you get to? BIoody show...

Eddie, your customers. They're waiting. Eddie, I'II Iisten for your phone call.

You're Iovely. Come on. Get on, then.

And no funny business. Just announce the act.

Hey, Sammy, get them in.

The teeth, get them in. Where do you think you are, anyway?

Will you shut up?

Now, folks, if you ever wondered what killed the big bands,

you'll soon know as we have, led by your host, Tommy Wright,

The Saturated Seven!

BIoody bugger!

Hello? Yeah? The PIaza?

Room 322, please.

Well, could you give me reception?

Yes.

I picked up a parcel from somebody in room 322,

and I wanted to give it him back, but I've forgotten his name.

What? Half an hour ago?

No, it was a fella! Mrs. BIankerscoon?

Well, could you spell that, please?

Mrs. BIankerscoon? Okay.

Mrs. BIankerscoon.

-Eddie. Interval. -What?

Interval, Eddie. Come on. The customers are waiting.

-Come on. -Yeah, yeah, Tommy.

Come here, you. Your teeth. Get the buggers in, will you?

How can I? The wife's got them.

You'II never do your turn here, I'II tell you.

Okay, folks, we'll take a break now

so eat and drink as if there was no tomorrow.

In 15 minutes, bingo, so get your brains and pencils sharpened.

Listen, Eddie, come here.

You're always pestering me to Iet you do a spot.

AII right, I'II tell you what. Tomorrow.

If I Iet you do your act tomorrow, do you think you could be early just once?

Yeah, Tommy.

Right. Early tomorrow gets Eddie a spot.

-Understand? -Terrific.

-Eddie. -Yeah.

AII I ask, son, is be a pro. Be a pro Iike us.

-A spot, eh? -Yeah.

Next day, on your dressing room, they'II hang a star.

Or something Iike that.

-By the way, Tommy! -Yep?

You wouldn't give a feller &1,000 for his birthday, would you?

-You what? -Forget it, Tommy.

I'II come early.

-Who are you? -I Iive here.

-You wanna hear anything special? -PIay Melancholy Baby.

How does that go again?

How the hell did you get in here?

Come rain or hail or sleet or snow, the Pinkertons are on the go.

-What's your handle? -How do you mean?

-What do I call you? -You decide.

-Hello, sister-in-Iaw. -Hello, Eddie.

-Hello, EIIen. Where's William? -Out.

You married the wrong brother, kid.

I wouldn't Ieave you alone to be threatened in this manner.

I didn't get a better offer.

They were frontier towns, old partner, and it was a game of take and give,

and the one who could draw the fastest was the only one who'd Iive.

-You haven't changed. -I know, and I'm a year older.

-Oh, yes. Happy birthday. -Thanks.

-We haven't got your present yet. -You haven't?

-Drink? -Bourbon on the rocks.

Milk and sugar?

-Have you come to see William? -William?

Listen, if William was dying, the priest wouldn't come and see him.

-I say, I say, I say. -How's the club?

You hear everything, don't you? That's the trouble with these small burgs.

-Everyone knows everyone else's business. -Well, how is it?

Okay.

And you're doing what you want to do, aren't you?

Okay, it's great. The club's great.

It's opened a whole new field of unemployment to me.

Do they Iaugh at you?

Yeah. Yeah, they Iaugh at me. I wish they'd Iaugh at me jokes.

I know it's a bit Iate to ask, but do you use that to stir your tea?

Stick 'em up.

-Same old Eddie. -It's a real one, you know.

Even you're too old to be playing with a toy one.

-Put it away. -Same old EIIen.

-How's the psychiatry? -You do hear everything, don't you?

It's okay. I may have to get a new one, though.

-Psychiatrist? Why? -He's off his head.

-Why didn't you come to the wedding? -I was waiting for the second house.

-No second house. -I sent a telegram.

"To William, the best man Iost. Congratulations, schmuck. Eddie."

I told the post office "schmuck" was Latin for "Iove."

-What is a schmuck? -The guy you married.

-He didn't Iike it. -He's got no sense of humor.

-Do you think I have? -Why else would you marry him?

The brother grim. Hello, William. Welcome to Rancho Notorious.

-A family reunion. -Quick as a flash.

-You feeling better? -Only when I see the back of you.

-You won't have to wait Iong. -What do you want?

What do brothers want brothers for, Billy Boy?

Chew the fat, have a drink, swap old jokes.

-Did you invite him? -He was here when I arrived.

-In my house? -PIaying your piano.

-I suppose you want money. -When did I ever come to you for money?

-The night before my wedding. -I needed that.

-To send me abusive telegrams. -I used my own money for the telegram.

I used yours to go away.

-You were supposed to be my best man. -I don't Iike sad occasions.

You. You don't Iike anything to do with responsibility or work.

-I'm working now. -A workingman's club.

-It's not Las Vegas. -It never will be.

Wait.

What did you come for?

You won't believe this, flimflam man, but I came to thank you for the present.

-What present? -The present for my birthday.

The day I give you a present, pigs will fly.

That's what I meant. Thanks for the flying pig.

Ginley.

-Ginley what? -Ginley: Eddie.

-Wyatt: AIison. Go away. -Take off your specs.

-Is this your mug shot? -What's the beef, Mr. Ginley?

-What's the job, Miss Wyatt? -Job?

-Job. The gun? -What gun?

The gun, the money, and the photo. What are they for?

-What are you talking about? -Three strikes you're out, Wyatt.

I'm sorry. I'm not very good at quizzes.

For Christ's sake! This is not a debating society here.

Don't act dumb with me, Iady.

Someone gave me &1,000, your photo and a gun.

Is the grand payment for knocking you off,

or do I just hand the package over to you?

You better put your gun away. People might notice.

I'II tell them I'm studying criminology.

Don't tell me, Ginley. Save it for the D.A.

Listen, Iittle Iady, you and I better go for a walk.

Mr. Ginley, while I admit that your conversation has a certain flavor

which appeals very much to my taste,

nevertheless, mundane as it sounds, I have an essay to write,

and I cannot spare the time to chew the fat with you.

Where can we meet?

61 Gambier Terrace, the penthouse. Anytime after 1 1:00.

I'II be there.

No foul-ups, Miss Wyatt.

I'm the great white hope.

It's a.38 Smith & Wesson, 5-shot, walnut stock, police special.

Anything else?

They're hard to get hold of.

And they make bloody big holes.

How much?

In Liverpool, nothing. You might find a nutter to take it,

but none of the serious Iads'd touch it.

It's not a gun town, is it?

In London maybe you'd get a good price, 60, 70 quid.

-But you're not selling, are you? -No, I was given it.

-See that? Our kid's. -Botha.

He's done well for himself, your brother.

-One day, all this'II be mine. -Just don't Iose it.

-See you. -See you.

Ginley, I'm his brother.

-Well? -You sent for me.

You always have that Iook on your face,

as though you want something but you're not Ietting on what it is.

Okay. I want to know what you want.

Come on.

I'm not paying a social visit.

-It was your birthday yesterday. -You're kidding.

I suppose I ought to wish you a happy birthday.

-Don't crack your jaw getting it out. -Happy birthday.

-Couldn't you find anything smaller? -I'm trying to be nice.

-I knew you were trying something. -Just a minute.

Put it away quick. Go on. Get off.

-Is it his birthday, too? -Business. This.

-Where's Beira? -Mozambique.

-They do a Iot of gardening in Mozambique? -A Iot of gardening.

Anything wrong? You're smiling. I knew it couldn't Iast.

-Well? -Well.

-What's the pitch? -I want that ad out of the paper.

-Is this the price? -No.

-No dice. -I want it out.

I don't Iike people ringing me up

and making jokes about the private investigator.

If people read the advert carefully enough, they'd ring me up. It's my number.

-Take it out. -It's still got two days to run.

Look, I don't Iike people ringing me up and asking for the private eye.

It's my name, too, brother.

I don't Iike people ringing me up with crooked deals.

-Gardening tools to Mozambique. -You're in trouble.

-Are you telling me or asking me? -EIIen said you were funny Iast night.

-I'm a comic. -I could offer you a job.

You bought a mortuary?

-I'm trying to help you. I think you'II need it. -Leave it, William.

I take the ad out of the paper, you give me a job.

Get someone to do what you want them to, and you give them a break.

You were a schnook when you were a kid, and you're a schnook now you're grown up.

You've really had a go at me, haven't you?

-If that's how you wanna see it. -Why don't you add that I married your girl?

-It takes two to make a marriage. -It takes two to keep a marriage.

-See you, Billy. -You don't want my present?

Keep it. It's the thought that counts.

Good Iuck, Eddie.

Thank you, The Jacksons. Now it's on with the show,

and the next act, I'm sure he needs no introduction.

We're gonna have a nice Iittle comedy spot from a very talented boy.

You all know him, so Iet's give a nice Broadway welcome

to our own Eddie Ginley!

That's him, folks. Eddie Ginley.

His mother doesn't know he's on the stage. She still thinks he's in prison.

-Two minutes. Longer in the second half. -Tommy Wright, folks.

You may not remember the face, but you'II never forget the suit.

-Thank you, Tommy. -Naughty.

Thank you.

No, but he's a great guy, great guy, and he isn't mean.

He's not mean, whatever they say. He's just got short arms and deep pockets.

He was had up by the police recently, you know.

Found breaking into a pound note

but he got off with a caution, as it was a first offense.

He fell a bit sick after that. He went to the doctor.

Didn't know what was wrong with him, didn't feel well.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination.

He said, "It's all right. You've only got angina of the wallet."

Now I know a good one.

Go easy, there. Take it slow.

Hello? Yes, Broadway CIub.

If he started juggling with them, they were Japanese.

If they came back washed and ironed, they were Chinese.

-Yes, yes. -You go ahead.

A friend of mine went in a bar very drunk.

He went to the bar, ordered a Iarge gin. He got the Iarge gin,

and he's running around with the Iarge gin, drinking his gin.

Who?

He stops and he says, "Excuse me, do you serve Iemons with Iegs in here?"

The barman said, "Get out! Get out. Get out."

He said, "Don't raise your voice.

"Get the manager."

The manager came up. "What's this?"

"Do you serve Iemons with Iegs in here?"

He says, "No, we don't. Will you get out, please?"

"Well, I don't want to worry you,

"but I think I've just squeezed a canary into me drink."

Thank you. Thank you.

Enough with the merrymaking and on with the culture.

Now we have a young Iady who's done more for dancing

than Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire put together,

and they were never put together Iike her.

She fainted in here Iast night, and it took four men to carry her out,

two a breast.

Ladies and gentlemen, the delectable Miss Melody D'Amour!

What do you think, Tommy?

Come on. It wasn't all that bad.

-I've got to see you, Eddie. -Sure, Tommy. How do you think I did?

-Great, kid. Great. Come into the office. -Yeah, Tom. Just Iet me get a cigarette.

-That was a great performance, Eddie. -Thanks, Sammy. Thanks a Iot.

Thank you. Very much.

Come in.

-Get yourself a drink, kid. -Thanks, Tommy.

Well, what do you think? Did you Iike the act?

Be with you in a minute.

"To the kid from Liverpool from the kid from Hoboken, Frank."

"Le'chaim, Danny."

-Good, aren't they? -Good.

Do you know how I make me money here, kid?

The bar?

No, fruit machines. No kidding. I'd be Iost without them.

What is it, Tommy? Didn't you Iike the spot? Do you want me to go back to announcing?

Your act was fine.

I always said you had it in you. You could go right to the top.

Las Vegas, Cocoanut Grove. This is as far as I'II get.

I'm not knocking the club, Tommy.

Don't underrate yourself, kid. Your moment of glory will come.

My moments of glory are all in me head.

So...

What's the pitch?

-How much a week do I pay you, son? -30.

-I'm giving you a bonus. -What for?

Because I want to give you a bonus. What the hell is the matter with you?

-A century. That's some bonus. -So, I Iike your act.

I wish you had seen it. What's the score, Tommy?

I want you to take a holiday.

-Where? -Anywhere.

For how Iong?

Okay, Tommy.

One, two, three.

-Take the money, Eddie. -Just me wages, Tommy.

Don't be Iike this, kid. I Iike your act fine.

Yeah.

There are other clubs.

-I can work other clubs. -Not now.

-It wouldn't be wise. -Why?

Someone doesn't Iike you.

-And he can put people out of business. -Who?

Can I use your phone, Tommy?

Anything, Eddie. Anything. Anytime you want a favor.

The payphone. I just want to call a cab.

Hello, AIison. When did you have the operation?

If you're from the Iibrary, tell them I'II pay the fines!

Sit down. Listen to me.

It's a bit Iate to ask, but you sure you've got the right place?

Are those your working clothes, Mr. Ginley?

Yeah, yeah, and they're paid for.

What do they call you? Entertainer? Is that what they call you?

If they're being kind.

What's an entertainer doing with a gun, Mr. Ginley?

I use it in the act. It helps to keep the audience on their toes.

You pulled the gun on AIison Wyatt in the Iibrary!

I heard she could tell jokes. I thought I could use her in a double act.

Look, I'm not amused, Ginley!

No? No. Well, have you heard the one about the queer parrot?

Look, I'd rather talk. Do you understand? Talk!

You make me angry very well, but I'd rather talk.

Now, today in the Iibrary, I saw you.

Did the fat man send you? What was it about?

That's easy, buster.

I'm also a private eye, see?

A girl, a gun, and a grand. That's the world I move in, see.

I know no fat man, and you're in my flat. Get out.

-You haven't answered. -No?

Well, that's the only answer you're getting. On your way, Mighty Joe Young.

Mr. Ginley, I can't tell you what it's about,

but someone's made a mistake, and you're it.

-I said on your way. -Look, throw the gun away, Mr. Ginley.

Stick to entertaining. Stay out of it.

Okay, when did you come down from the trees?

When I saw you crawl from under a stone.

Get back amongst the bananas, fella.

You're the great white hope?

FIoat Iike a butterfly, sting Iike a bee.

-Hi, kid. What kept you? -What happened?

-Geronimo broke the treaty. -You said you were hurt.

-I am hurt. -Where?

-The stomach. -Take an AIka-Seltzer.

-I got punched. -Who by?

-Sonny Liston. -Does it hurt?

Only when I Iook at you.

-Wouldn't it help if you Iaid down? -If you Iay down with me.

Do you want some tea?

Eddie, it's after midnight! Look, you call me up.

You tell me you're hurt. I'm worried. I come rushing 'round here.

Now you Iook all right to me. What do you want?

-How did you get out? -I opened the door.

How did you get out? What did William say?

Did he mind you coming to see another man after midnight?

Another man he'd mind. You, no. He thinks you're crazy.

-Anyway, he's in London on business. -It figures.

What figures, Eddie?

Look, it's nice to see you again after all this time,

and maybe we've got a Iot to talk about. So Iet's meet for coffee.

One morning. It's civilized. But unless it's important, really important,

don't come breaking into my home waving guns about,

and don't call me out Iike this!

-You finished? -Yes.

Right. I'II tell you.

You don't want these things to happen? Okay.

Keep your husband off me back.

-What do you mean? -I mean...

Someone told Tommy that for the continued success of his club, I had to go.

-Who would do a thing Iike that? -Hitler.

-Hitler's dead. -Wrong.

He's alive, and he's well, and he's Iiving with you.

Come on now, why would William do a thing Iike that?

Jealous of my success.

He doesn't want to see me make the Cocoanut Grove.

-One day I'II get a straight answer. -One day you'II deserve one.

-When did this happen? -Tonight.

But William's in London, on business. He Ieft by the 6:00 plane.

-He moves fast. Hit-and-run William. -I mean he couldn't have seen Tommy.

Oh, really?

"Listen, get rid of Ginley. It's for your own good, right?"

That's a new invention, kid. Have you heard about it?

AII this over an advert in the paper? That's not Iike William.

No? Picture the scene.

Young Eddie Ginley, eight years old, hands bleeding,

sweating in the garret of a back-to-back over his violin practice.

Meanwhile, in the yard, 13-year-old William Ginley melts down

-Eddie Ginley's toy soldiers to sell the Iead. -So?

So, that was William then, and that's William now.

-I'm going home. -Home is where your heart is.

-That's an old Iine. -I'm an old fella.

You could stick around.

-Why? -I may need a nurse in the night.

-Where? -You could sleep in the bath.

-Is that all? -Should there be anything else?

Okay, okay.

Just a sec.

-May I come in? -Well, sure.

-You don't Iook well. -Wait till I get me teeth in.

I'm Iooking for Ginley, Ginley the private investigator.

I saw the ad and came straight over.

I'm the comedian. The private investigator's out.

-What do you want with him? -I have a job for him.

-Well, what kind of a job? -A private-investigating kind of a job.

You wouldn't know where I could find him, would you?

For a private-investigating sort of a job? He wouldn't be interested.

He told me himself. "Definitely no investigating," he said.

-You seem to know him awfully well. -He's Iike a brother to me.

It's 36 years old. I've read it five times. This is the sixth. It helps me to plan my Iife.

Telephone.

"She stared at me for a Iong moment, and she moistened her Iips before she spoke."

It'II be my road manager.

Yeah? Hello.

Yeah? Can you ring me back in five minutes?

I'm in a meeting with my road manager.

I'm being threatened.

-By whom? -A man.

How is he threatening you?

Well, you see,

I'm a firm believer in the institution of marriage.

I Iike it so much I'm going to do it again, for the fifth time,

the first Saturday of next month.

My husband-to-be is eminently respectable, for a change,

and this man threatens to tell him I'm a bigamist.

-Tell the police. -No. No. No. No. There would be publicity.

-If you're innocent, there's no problem. -BIackmail scares me.

You don't Iook to me as if you'd scare easy.

-Appearances can be deceptive, you know. -Indeed they can, Iady.

Ginley may Iook competent, but he's really very stupid.

Besides which, he's on a job at the moment, and it's taking up all his time.

I can pay three times what he's getting now.

He's that expensive?

He ain't expensive, and he'd Iike to take the money,

but as I said, he's on a job.

I'II pay any price he asks.

Is that final?

Mr. Ginley is being more stupid than he knows.

That's what I keep telling him, but he won't Iisten to me.

He says once he starts something, he's got to finish it.

-Sorry. -That's okay.

-Sorry I wasted my time. -By the way...

Mrs...

How did you know where to find Gumshoe Ginley?

I saw the ad and came straight over.

But I didn't put my address in the advert, Iady.

Hello? Oh, hello!

Yeah, I wanna talk to you, too, without King Kong around.

What time do you have? Meet me in 30 minutes, my city office,

75 Renshaw Street, room A. You can't miss it.

You're Iate, fats.

Why did you choose this place to meet?

It's one of those old proletarian customs, Iady.

You Iose your job, you sign on at the dole.

You need a job? Yesterday you had &1,000.

-It's in my numbered account. -Switzerland?

Co-op. You see, you can get it out every Saturday.

What have you done with Danny?

-Danny as in "boy," or Danny as in "Kaye"? -Danny Azinge.

He went to see you Iast night. He never came home.

The Harlem GIobetrotter? What was I supposed to do with him?

He's disappeared. I'm asking you what you did with him.

Listen, the Iast time I saw him,

he was Ieaving my room after wallpapering it with my brains.

You carry a gun.

We only met yesterday for a couple of minutes,

but I thought we understood each other.

Fats, that ain't my style.

So Iong, Eddie.

-Polo? -No, thanks.

-John Straker. -Eddie Ginley.

-GIad to meet you, Eddie. -You know my ex-friend?

-Yes. -What did she mean?

Don't be too hard on her, Iad. She Iiked you.

She took a Iot of convincing that you'd worked over her boyfriend

-and Iocked him away. -Me, that gorilla?

I think it's ridiculous, too, Eddie.

And that piece of paper you gave her?

An address where she could rejoin her boyfriend.

So now you've got the two of them.

What did you want me for?

I don't want you for anything, Eddie, or the black Iad. Only the young Iady.

I'm with my pal.

-It's what I want from you that counts. -Like what?

Don't be dumb, Iad.

Years since I was in a Iabor exchange. It's a funny feeling.

-Cut the reminiscences, Angus. -They said you were a comic, Eddie. Save it.

Yeah, you've come to the right place, Eddie.

CIue me in.

Because you're gonna need the money they give you.

You're gonna be &1,000 Iighter after this morning.

You sure you won't have a mint?

Lad, you caused me a Iot of trouble when you interfered with my work at the PIaza.

-I don't Iike that. -I'II split it with you. The money's mine.

You wouldn't miss a few quid out of a grand.

Son, it's not just the money. If it was, I wouldn't mind. It's my reputation.

I couldn't hold up my head if I was hustled out of a job by an amateur Iike you.

-It would not Iook good. -You're a very sensitive guy, Jock.

John, Eddie, John. I'm a hard man, son.

I don't Iook it, but I am. I hurt people that upset me.

-So where's the money, Eddie? -At my place.

I wouldn't Iike it if it wasn't.

Do you mind if I see a man about a job?

I've been in the same boat, son, but make it quick.

-Hello, Eddie. How are you? -Hello, chief.

Can you do me a favor?

Saw your advert in the paper touting for work.

-Not Iosing faith in us, are you? -Never, chief. Could you do us a favor?

-What is it? -Well...

There's a guy, I owe him some money. He's getting a bit nasty.

Bum bailiff, eh?

-How much do you want? -It's too much for you, chief.

I just wanted to get away from him. Could I?

-Well, it's against the regulations, Eddie. -Break them just this once.

-I mean, if it was to come out that I Iet you... -I don't even know you.

Well, for you, Eddie.

But keep going, and don't Iet anyone, anyone stop you.

Here, say you're from the Mersey Docks and Harbour Board.

-Thanks, chief. -Hey, Eddie.

Gumshoe's the game, eh?

-Thanks. -You bastard.

What's up, kid?

That's what I mean, you're a bastard, Eddie.

The same old story. When in trouble, send for EIIen. She'II do all your dirty work.

You know how she feels about you, so use her.

What's wrong, kid?

I don't want to get involved with your games, Eddie.

Was it something I said?

Why did you send me up for the parcel in your flat?

Well, it's a Iong tale, kid.

It's a short story, Eddie. There was a man there.

-A Scots fellow, Straker? -A negro.

-What did he have to say? -He didn't say anything. He was dead.

I don't want to be around to pick up the pieces.

-The train's going. -Yeah.

So Iong, Eddie.

5'1 1", tough as whang Ieather, Eddie Ginley thought for a minute.

He needed more time. He needed more speed.

What he didn't need was a body in his flat. He had to break this case but fast.

He'd Iaid it on the Iine, but the Iady wouldn't Iisten.

He had to get out of town, but the pitch was, would the Iady stick around?

-He thinks we don't notice, you know. -Why don't you stop him?

We make a note of the books and send the bill to his mother.

-You can stop pretending now. -Come again?

These books aren't for you.

-You're not the type. -There's a definite type?

Not what you'd think. No black cloak and broomstick stuff.

The most respectable-Iooking people buy the occult.

-Do you believe in all this? -It's a Ioad of rubbish.

Rubbish, it's all rubbish. I'm in the rubbish business.

-You own the place? -He's out buying rubbish.

-You want to see him? -When will he be back?

A couple of hours, maybe. Three.

-Are you the one who's been phoning him? -Phoning?

Some nut's been phoning and phoning, driving me mad.

-Take the phone off the hook. -I have.

Now, why would a nice-Iooking guy Iike you want to see him?

-Why? -I asked first.

-Business. -You don't Iook as if you need it.

-I don't follow. -Be cagey. Do I care?

Take your glasses off. You're beautiful.

-Who shall I say called? -Don't.

Okay.

-What's your name? -Eddie, Fast Eddie.

-Call again, Fast Eddie. -I will.

Any evening about 6:00.

-Why? -We close then.

Besides, I blossom in the evenings.

I haven't had them off since Buddy Holly died.

-Mal Conway! -Eddie Ginley.

-Bum. -Bum.

-Jerry Lee Lewis! -Little Richard!

EIvis Presley!

78s!

PIaying them all night, drove my mother mad!

-How Iong have you been down here? -Five years now.

-Why did you come? -Me mother sold me guitar.

-Sold her kid's guitar, eh? -Well, I was 25.

-Are you Iiving down here now, Eddie? -No, just on a visit.

Did you ever marry that bird? What was her name?

-No. You? -Married.

-Do you collect them? -Yeah, for me Iad.

Your Iad, eh?

Who is it?

-Police? -Yeah, open the door.

-You don't Iook Iike the Iaw. -This is Iaw enough, fella.

Okay.

Lock it.

I've only books here. No money.

Books on the occult. No novels.

-Who's downstairs? -I'm here on me own.

Move.

Down.

-This yours? -Looks Iike it.

-Is it your Iabel or isn't it? -Yes.

I got that in Liverpool. How did it get there?

Did you buy it?

Did I buy it?

-Did I buy what? -Wrapper.

-What would be in it? -A book.

-Package. -Of what?

-Stuff. -What stuff?

-You're not the Iaw, then? -I'm not the Iaw.

-What was that card you showed me, then? -Me dole card. What was the stuff?

-I'II get you some. -Drugs?

-Didn't you know? Honest? -What is it?

-What is it? -Heroin.

Who... Who did you send it to in Liverpool? Sit down!

-Who? -You're not gonna use that.

I don't know his name.

I just send the stuff Red Star to Lime Street. He picks it up at the station.

I just mark it Atlantis, care of the station.

-Isn't that risky? -Sure it's risky, but it's safer than...

-When are you sending the next Iot? -I've just come back from the station.

-I shan't be... -I said shut up!

Silly, Eddie. Very silly.

I'm a pro. I keep telling you.

-You stuck that spade in my flat. -They did it.

They're not professionals.

The money. Come on!

I'II go away.

-Give me the money, I'II go away. -I'd Iike to believe that.

You never bloody Iisten.

I've been trying to tell you. I've not been paid for you, only for the girl.

-I got the girl, now I want the money. -Just a job, Iike any other.

A thousand before, a thousand after.

-A job, a few potatoes, Iike the next guy. -You make a Iiving.

They give you a name. You do the job. You get paid.

It's nobody you know.

-It's impersonal. -It's not impersonal now.

-It's been a hard day for both of us. -I said it's not impersonal now!

I know it isn't.

I know you now.

I wouldn't enjoy knocking you off, Eddie, but I would do it all the same.

-Impersonal or not. -What a way to make a Iiving.

-I get by. -Get by without me.

Tell me, Eddie. What's in this for you?

Why did you show up at the hotel? Why are you being so obtuse?

It's the curse of the Ginleys. We never know when we're Iicked.

-Can I ask you something, John? -Anything, Eddie.

Will you take your bloody hand off me knee? Get off! Get away from me. It's disgusting!

You come down to London for a day out.

Somebody sits next to you on the tube.

The next thing you know, he's got his hand on your thigh!

It's not going to stop here. I'm gonna write to my MP about this because...

Put the gat down, baby.

None of your business practices with me.

Webley, air pistol, just about hit a stationary bus at three feet.

You pack a mean rod, sheriff.

I didn't see you grab a phone, Willy. Call the fuzz.

No wonder you're seeing a psychiatrist. I'm amazed he hasn't certified you.

Now you can talk to me on equal terms.

Get your wife down here, Willy. Come on. Come on. Come on.

The voice, William. The voice!

EIIen!

-EIIen! -AII right!

Why did you get me sacked from the club?

You refused to take that ad out of the paper.

What do you do if someone treads on your toes on the bus, Willy?

-Have his feet amputated? -I don't travel on buses.

Ask a stupid question, you get a civil answer.

Come in. Prowl around.

Now all the family's together, we can all have tea.

-But what is this? -Pour the tea, EIIen.

I'II fix you, Eddie.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I'II fix you.

I said pour the tea.

Okay.

Now I'm gonna tell you a tale, William, that'II make your piggy eyes pop.

EIIen here, dear old EIIen waves me off to London

with the news that there's a body in my bath.

-She told me. -Yeah, yeah, sure. What wife wouldn't?

Now William, you'd sell cancer to a dying man,

but you wouldn't plant a stiff on your own brother.

I'd get rid of it for him, though.

Don't Iook so surprised, Eddie.

"William helping me?" Yes, Eddie. William helping you.

Was there really a body? Yes, Eddie, there really was.

EIIen was terrified. She phoned me.

Begged me to help you. I helped.

-It cost me 200 bloody quid to get rid of it. -Why?

Because you're my brother.

I hate every inch of your crawling frame, but you're my sodding brother.

Thanks a million.

News item number two. A guy in London tried to kill me.

He'II have to take his place in the queue.

Like I always say, a bit of sentiment never hurt anyone.

Thanks for the tea.

There's still one thing I don't understand, Inspector.

The guy who tried to kill me had followed me from Liverpool.

The only person who knew I was gonna be in London was your missus.

You're the gumshoe, Eddie.

I'm just a messenger boy, remember? I do the dirty work.

Thanks, schmuck.

-You're all heart, Eddie. -It runs in the family.

-Are you Iooking for this? -Yeah!

Move an inch, fat man, and I'II yell "copper." I've got a carton of junk.

-You want money? -A name.

-What? -Yours.

-De Fries. -You want to be careful.

Anyone can pick up a parcel at a Red Star office.

I'II remember.

-You gave me a gun at the PIaza. -Eddie Ginley.

Johannesburg.

You a traveling man, Mr. De Fries?

-Give me the carton, Ginley. -Soon as I have a few answers.

-PIease give me the carton. -I'II pour it down the can.

I trailed this carton to London, the Atlantis.

Straker trailed me there.

He tried to knock me off, but he didn't have the speed.

He fingered you.

The Atlantis is your connection, slim.

-How did you know I was gonna be there? -I was told.

Only my sister-in-Iaw knew I was gonna be in London.

-Did she tell you? -No.

-No, but you know her, don't you? -We met at receptions.

-Yeah? What receptions? -Chamber of Commerce.

-If she didn't tell you, who did? -The others.

What others? The junk goes down the john! What others?

-Mrs. BIankerscoon. -The American dame.

-Yes, yes. Yes. -With the phony job?

-Yeah, yeah. Where's AIison Wyatt? -She's quite safe.

-Yeah, what do they want her for? -To get her back to Africa.

-Her father's organizing the blacks! -Where have they taken her?

I don't know that.

-Where? Come on! -I don't know!

Why didn't they tell you?

They suspect me. I gave you the gun. They think I'm double-crossing them.

I swear she's safe.

Now they've got the girl, her father will give himself up.

-How do you know she's safe? -I just know.

-Are they gonna kill her Iike the spade? -He was a black who got in the way.

People get in my way every day, fat man. I don't go around killing them.

The bathroom. Come on, Ginley!

They'II kill me if they even smell you've been here.

Remember, fat man, I've got your junk.

-Come in. -Here it is.

-Where did you get it? -Easier than you think, Jacob.

Can't you do it next door?

For God's sake, don't Iook, then.

Give me the ampoule.

Take the suitcases down, CIifford.

He's finished. I want the girl at the house tonight.

-What time do we Ieave? -5:45 in the morning.

What about him?

-We're really going home? -Yes, Jacob, we're really going home.

Now, CIifford and I are going to pack, and then we'II be right back.

You Iook positively beatific.

Ginley! Eddie! My old friend Eddie!

Okay, De Fries, you're going home.

-Do you know any good stories? -Where is home? Johannesburg? A few.

Now, where's the girl being kept, and where's the house?

Come on, junk collector! Okay, you're a musical guy.

Now, where's the girl and the house?

-Get out, Ginley! Get out! -Come on!

-I don't need you now. I'm going home. -Come on!

Echo? Give me the news desk.

Now Iisten, I'II say this once and once only, right?

8 Bedford Street, Liverpool.

Bedford Street! I saw a guy murdered, yeah.

Yeah, he was an addict. A drug addict.

But I think it was pure heroin that killed him.

-We're closed! -Is that your coat?

-Yeah. -Put it on.

-Who are you? -Board of Trade.

-Well, what do you want? -We have powers of search.

You don't Iook Iike the Board of Trade to me.

We're changing the image. Would you sit down, please?

Wait, you've got something in your eye. No, don't touch it. Don't touch it.

Leave it to me, relax. CIose your eyes.

-I'm Anne Scott. -I'm all shook up.

-What's your name? -Modeling. CIay Modeling.

-I don't think I fancy you, Modeling. -Work on it.

-I Iike tall men. -Well, the seven dwarves got Snow White.

-Only because they crowded up. -You could go on your knees for me.

-On this floor? -I'II put a cushion down.

-I couldn't. -Why not?

I stoop to conquer. I don't kneel.

-Mrs. BIankerscoon? -Not expected.

-Where can I find her? -49 Faulkner Square.

-Does she Iive there? -Yes, but not for Iong.

-How come? -She's Ieaving tomorrow.

-What time? -7:00 a.m.

-How? -Boat. Huskisson Dock.

-You're a Londoner? -You're a bright kid, Modeling.

What are you doing up here?

OId story. With a dancing troupe, manager cleared off with the money.

-I was stranded. -In Liverpool?

In Liverpool. That's how I got the job in this office.

Don't be embarrassed when we're out together. I could walk behind you.

-Oh, no. -Why not?

-I Iike to hold hands in the street. -So?

So, I'd feel Iike I was taking you out for a walk.

-Defy convention. -I'm basically Conservative.

-Switch sides. -I'd rather fight than switch.

Hello, Tommy? It's your ex-bingo caller.

Can I see you? I need that favor. I got a Iittle problem here.

I can't tell you now. Your phone might be tapped.

At the Copacabana.

-So, you'd rather fight? -Honestly.

-What weight are you? -Bantam.

-I'm heavy. -You've got the weight. I've got the speed.

I sometimes hit below the belt.

Hello, kid. Yeah.

Can I see you now? Meet me at the club, okay?

-Hit below the belt, do you? -And I've got a Iong reach.

-That's no good in a clinch. -Keep your guard up,

don't Iead with your chin and keep throwing out those Iefts.

-What for? -You could get a crack at the title.

What's a nice girl Iike you doing in a heap Iike this?

-A heap Iike this costs 2,175 with extras. -You sound Iike your husband.

They say married couples get to Iook alike. I didn't know they got to think alike.

-You don't crack gags anymore, Eddie. -I'm sorry. Say something funny.

AII right. Let's run away together.

-Where? -Anywhere, London.

-When? To do what? -Now.

You could get a job.

-Ex-comic, unskilled. You? -I could cook, sew.

-And bring up expensive cars. -I've got money.

-Well, we're not married. -Do we have to be?

-I'm old-fashioned. -Defy convention.

I just said that to somebody.

Okay, Eddie, I'II Iay it on the Iine.

William ships guns to Africa.

Yeah, yeah. Gardening tools to Rhodesia.

Parts for cars, chemicals, anything they want.

-It makes him a Iot of money. -So tell me something new.

Have I told you Iately that I Iove you?

A girl was snatched, AIison Wyatt.

The night I turned up at your house with a gun,

I got sicced into it. I don't know why.

The spade in my flat dead, he's her boyfriend bodyguard.

She's wanted back in South Africa to flush her old man out of the bush.

They're shipping her out. Guess who's boxing her up?

Is this the old-style, Iive for today Eddie Ginley I'm Iistening to?

No, baby, it's the new style,

weary wary "what's all this crap about running off together,"

slow Eddie Ginley you're hearing.

Eddie! Come here.

What about that one, then? There's a good one.

Has nobody ever noticed that you're always wearing the same suit

in these photographs, and the stars all seem to write with the same biro?

-An old man's fantasies, Eddie. -You're 42.

In the club game, you can multiply that by three.

-What's the favor? -A couple.

-First one? -49 Faulkner Square.

-Well? -Tell me about it.

Housebreaking, Eddie?

-Second favor? -When I know about the house.

-A phone call. -I'II be in the bar.

See you.

I used to wonder why a great-Iooking chick Iike you

used to hang around a small-time guy Iike me.

That's why I treated you badly, I guess. I couldn't figure the angle.

-Couldn't you? -No.

Perhaps I hung around you because I Iiked you.

I saw him die, EIIen.

I saw a Iady, ever so much a Iady, pump him so full of junk, it killed.

Junk?

The same Iady had a guy killed in my flat.

She also snatched a girl. Now, where do you fit in?

For God's sake, William's in business with them.

I meet them at Trade receptions. I'II take you along sometime.

They hold receptions for sanctions busters? Whatever next?

It's trouble, Eddie.

You could get hurt.

I've got 10 more installments to pay before I own my hi-fi.

I want to be around to finish paying them.

Besides, I got a Iot of speed, and I want to use it.

Okay, Iads and Iasses, there's tea and cakes at the back of the hall.

Bingo in 10 minutes' time.

Wait there.

-It's okay? -Nothing known, Eddie. Just a rented house.

None of the Iads I know have knocked it over.

-Thanks, Tommy. -Of course, now I've mentioned it,

-I bet there'II be a queue there tonight. -Don't join it.

-Second favor? -A car and a driver.

-That address? -Yeah.

To pipe or rumble? Joey, he's muscle.

-He fought Rommel, and Rommel Iost. -There are people in the house I want.

-You want to get in, or you want them out? -Them out, don't care how.

-Got a Iighter? -Zippo.

When do you want him?

My clients are catching the boat at 7:00 in the morning, so, say 5:30.

-You want Joey at 5:30 in the morning? -Can you keep him awake?

-For you, Eddie, he'II wear his tin hat. -You shoot good pool, Tommy.

-What do you want with me, Eddie? -I want you to give a message.

Tell Mrs. BIankerscoon the comic's taken a back seat.

The private investigator's back in business. She'II understand.

-I don't know what you mean. -Don't act dumb, kid. It's too Iate.

-"E" for "Eddie." -"E" for "Enough," which is what I've had.

-Hello, Eddie. Tommy said you needed help. -Ta.

-Put the car around the side by the alley. -Right.

Emergency fire service?

Hello, fire service? I want to report a fire at 49 Faulkner Square.

49 Faulkner Square! No, it's not my house!

I was just passing by, and I saw it! You better be quick!

-What was it Iike fighting Rommel, Joey? -Personally, Eddie, I never seen the bugger.

Seen James Mason take him off in a film once.

Couldn't stand it. AII them good Germans.

-I've never been since. -No.

-Wouldn't going in be simpler? -There's too many of them in there.

-Why don't we wait while they come out? -I want them on me own terms.

There's no Iights on. Maybe they've gone already.

Baseman 2-0 in attendance at 49 Faulkner Square. Over.

Message begins for 49 Faulkner Square.

False alarm, malicious.

Rescind that previous message! Explosion with...

Jesus Christ!

Don't Iet anybody out of the alley, Joey.

Okay, Joey, move your heap!

Okay, CIifford, get going.

We haven't got much time if we want to get the boat.

-Do you want a Iead earring, CIifford? -Don't panic, CIifford.

-What do you want, Eddie? -AIison.

You're a Iunatic, Eddie.

Yeah, but I'm covered. I've got a psychiatric record.

-How about you? -Have I got a psychiatric record?

You should have. You murdered De Fries. I saw you.

I saw you fill that billiard ball so full of junk he rolled into the pocket and stayed there.

He was cracking up.

He gave you that package at the hotel with the gun.

-We didn't want the girl killed. It was wrong. -And killing him was right?

Telling the newspapers was also wrong, Eddie.

Lady, I phoned the papers about De Fries, but I didn't phone myself to go to the PIaza.

-So who else is wrong? -I've been wondering that myself.

Where did your wondering get you, Iady?

It got me to the conclusion that I don't care. It's none of your business.

I don't know how you got into this, but now you're getting out.

-I'm calling the police. -None of my business?

Eddie, who'II Iisten? You saw an addict kill himself.

I saw Mrs. BIankerscoon, brunette, Caucasian, murder Jacob De Fries.

And you didn't report it?

That's an accessory after the fact. You're wasting your time, Eddie.

-Okay, AIison, we're getting out. -No, Eddie, I'm going home.

I think my ears are on the blink, fats.

-I'm going home, Eddie. -With this Iot?

-I Iive there, too. -So, what are you gonna do?

Do you think they're gonna Iet you join your father in the bush?

-They've caught him. -So, they've caught him.

-We've caught her. -What do you reckon on, Eddie?

To do a swap?

What happens if we turn them in here?

The consulate would have her sprung in seconds flat,

apologies all around. The fight's not here, Eddie.

Aren't you forgetting something? Your pal Azinge, what about him?

-You've got no shots Ieft to call. -So?

-How would you Iike to come with us? -What for?

Name it.

-Lady, you haven't got it to give. -Money, cars, a nice house?

-Women? -The woman, Eddie.

It's a good offer. Take it.

-The alternative? -None.

A dead addict, anonymous phone calls.

You're unemployed, Eddie. Where's your pull?

-That's how it is, brother. -An ex-comic.

-A gone Ginley. -Precisely.

So, what's it to be?

I'm gonna need help.

You got me into this, kid.

-What do you mean? -Come on.

You made the call that brought me to the hotel.

I was scared. I didn't know what they were gonna do to the girl!

I thought they'd call it off if it was a mess-up!

So Eddie was to be the grit in the wheels.

William was in it for the business, but the girl... Oh no.

No, that was something else.

You took me, kid.

The more I thought about it, the more it had to be you on the phone.

-I didn't Iike fooling you. -Really? I Ioved it.

It was about as funny as a hole in a Iifeboat.

So I'm the fall guy.

I get out of the car, go home and that's the end of it.

You've got to take the offer, Eddie. You can't go home.

There's a body in your flat.

Didn't he tell you, Iady?

Tell her, brother. Tell her how you cleared up the cadaver.

She'II enjoy it.

Stop the car, CIifford.

Okay, Iady, now I'm gonna tell you something.

AII that you've done you shouldn't have done to me.

But most of all, you shouldn't have done it to anyone.

And you can talk yourself out of that one when the cops get here.

As for you, Joan of Arc, you wanna fight? Get on a plane.

They Ieave every day.

Cup of tea?

I heard you coming up the stair.

Sugar?

AII right, I'II marry you.

I could have been arrested.

-I'd have spoken up for you. -Where's the money, Eddie?

Down at the cop-shop.

Oh, dear me.

I turned them all in, John.

What are you gonna do? Get your gun out?

-Lean on me? -What gun?

-How did you expect to get the money? -Threaten you.

With what?

Violence of the tongue.

How come they picked a tough guy Iike you to snatch the girl?

They didn't.

They picked a guy that fell ill. I took his place.

By God, Eddie, there's some dodgy people about these days.

What a crummy outfit.

What a damned crummy ramshackle outfit they were.

Gumshoe Ginley and SIyboots Straker. I'm not so hot, but you're terrible.

I try, Eddie.

-So, you've no money on you then? -Not a bean.

So you couldn't Iend us a couple of quid, eh?

I'm on the dole, you bum! You absolute Scotch bum!

-You're a good Iad, Eddie. -Get out.

Go on, get out.

If the fuzz ask, I've never heard of you.

Gumshoe.

Here's Iooking at you, kid.

I was still 31 years old.

All over the city, it was gonna be an ordinary day for most people.

I had to get used to living without the family.