Original subtitles

So as you ladies can see,

by dating a guy like Johnny football over there,

you stand to loose $1,900 a year.

Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose $1,900.

And, I know, he seems cool now, but in like six months,

I guarantee you, he's gonna be sucking some guy's dick for money.

I mean, I'm just saying, dating a guy like me,

the potential return on that investment--

strong.

Wow.

I'm just-- I'm just gonna go grab a drink or something.

Oh, my god, Mrs. Hanks.

You tease.

Ajay, operation Johnson county underway.

I repeat, operation Johnson county underway.

Do you read me?

What do you-- ajay?

That looks like the worst Christmas ever.

Is that what you people do in India?

Dude, I was adopted.

By the way, I've been meaning to ask you,

how fucking old are you?

Hey, team, listen up.

Now given the configuration of these numbers there

theoretically, how long would it take to hold your breath

at the bottom of a ball pit?

What do you mean, like Chucky Cheese?

That place is for babies, what are you doing there?

Uh, sweet bleeding Jesus, i ask myself that

every single day, but that's another question. Other issues.

Anyway, I want to let you know about something called, "summer."

And I know you all want to get the hell out of here, i can see it in your eyes.

But summer stands for tanning and building up your body.

This is something that I know something about.

It takes discipline.

So please, send me pictures.

Lots and lots and lots of pictures.

I need to monitor and track your progress.

I'm sure you all understand.

And I'll give you an example.

Last summer I helped Johnny here,

very nice,

gain 15 lean pounds.

Johnny was 16 last year. Pretty sure that's creepy.

And illegal.

All right, soldier, you stow that right now.

That was last year, okay?

Now since that time i bought a delorean,

and at 88 miles per hour i can drive your ass

to your 18th birthday, is that clear?

Yes.

Uh, can I use the bathroom?

You may, but be careful of those hidden cameras.

-What? -Never mind.

Go out. You have no sense of humor.

You children, what is happening with you today?

What the hell were you doing? I told you to use the walkie.

Oh, yeah, I think it was off or something, I don't know.

Were you in there doing one of your gay drawings again?

Danny, I'm just nervous about this whole situation, man.

All right, are you in the game or not?

Yeah, fuck it. Why not? I'm in.

All right. This is gonna be epic.

Since it is the end of the year

I want to give you a little bit of magic from our friend Galileo.

He said that age is but a number

and numbers can be manipulated.

Everyone exit, please, in a orderly fashion.

Stop!

I might butt fuck you

with discipline.

Listen guys, I know it's the last day and all,

but you really did it this time.

Imagine all the work you made for our poor janitor.

Look, honestly, I'm not even that mad.

But what about all the dildos?

I'll take those home with me.

We have a family reunion coming up,

so do I have to fill out tax forms or anything?

Seriously, cut the shit, both of you.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

You called the cops on us?

Look, you're gonna find out anyway,

but Chrissy Morgan was kidnapped

on her way to school this morning.

There's been others.

Damn, how many girls are missing?

Chrissy is the third.

Hey, I like you guys, and if it was up to me

I'd look the other way, but unfortunately, it's not.

It's up to-- him.

Let's go. Time to see the big man.

I'll save you some dildos.

Dick puppets.

Dick puppets hanging from the ceiling?

Are you serious?

What in the hell were you thinking?

Welcome to Johnson county, sir.

Johnson county?

I'm gonna take that as a thinly veiled

reference to a cock.

A pee pee. A dick.

A Peter.

A cornhole impaler.

A cervix crusher.

One hundred percent all meat thermometer.

Hoo hoo dilly.

I gotta know which one of you guys came up with this idea.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you something,

this thing went down a little girls throat today.

Do you understand me? It went deep.

Deep. Deep.

Deep into her throat.

Would you like me to demonstrate...

This tonsil tickler going down that little girl's throat?

Not if you're doing the re-enactment,

but I wouldn't mind seeing her swallow.

That's real funny.

I am here working my ass off

trying to form these little girls, these little boys...

Into the future citizens of the United States of America.

God bless the U.S.A.

I gotta figure out something. One of you guys did this.

One of you-- it was your idea. Was it you, white boy?

Little Caucasian boy? Was it you?

Was it you Indian boy?

Fucking Indians.

Sir, he's not that kind of Indian.

-What? -Sir, he's not--

-he's not that kind of Indian. -He's not?

I apologize.

I-- i-- I, habeeb, i absolutely apologize

from the depth of my heart.

I did not mean to offend you.

You're not that kind of an Indian.

It's all right. I understand.

You are the kind of Indian that talk like this.

You are the kind of Indian when I need my computer fix.

They route me over to the dot heads over there in India.

If they can pull themselves away from the cobras

in the wicker baskets

playing a skin flute.

Drives those damn snakes crazy.

So while you are traversing the universe

on a magic carpet ride, your people are raising

world oil prices everywhere.

You know, I bought gasoline yesterday.

Five dollars a gallon.

He does get crazy sometimes, sir, I mean, just, here,

just look at this.

Danny, what the fuck, man?

Good god, young man. There is a cultural gap here

that definitely needs to be filled.

I agree completely, sir, but to be fair,

his village was destroyed by an elephant stampede.

-Hmm? -What?

No.

The bad news is you boys are failing

your classes for this semester.

Then we can't graduate.

No fucking shit.

-So... -What's more, I'm gonna make you pay back the school

for the damages that you've done.

So basically, what you're saying, is that we're fucked.

Let me process what you just said.

Basically, what you're saying,

is we're fucked, yes.

-Excuse me, sir. -What?

-I just had an interesting idea. -What's that?

Remember that little thing we discussed?

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

-Uh-huh, I remember that, yeah. -Uh-huh?

This may be a very opportune time to give it a test run.

I think you're right.

Yeah, I like that.

A test run.

Opportune.

I like opportune test runs.

I'm gonna give them back to you when I'm done.

Thank you, vice principal chok-- chug

chokachi.

You got it.

Boys...

I'm very lonely.

The walls are talking to me.

What do they say?

Mostly about my mother's infidelities.

She had no idea. Bless her heart.

She thought black men tasted like chocolate.

One day she comes home with a little something--

something coming out of the corners of her mouth.

I said, "mamma, what is that something something

coming out of the corners of your mouth?"

And she said I just ate a fudgesicle.

She could not stay away from the

black anaconda snake.

I should have known.

When she'd tuck me in bed at night,

she'd kiss me on the cheek.

And she'd grab my hoo-hoo.

And she'd whisper to me, she'd go, "good night, Russell,

my love muscle."

Okay, well, we gotta go home and do that thing

where we tell our parents what we did.

Yeah, I don't wanna go unpunished for this.

I'm already getting the urge to do marijuana.

Mmm, I see. All right, okay.

Yeah, you guys better run 'cause your lives are in danger.

Yeah, no, no I love what you did last night.

Yeah, I'll be there at 6:00. Yeah, wear that dress again.

Oh, I'll call you back. Hey, boys! Hold up!

Listen, we have an experimental mentorship program.

We pair you with a mentor and you work all summer.

That's it. And you still graduate.

Wow, sick.

You in?

-Yeah, it sounds great. -Awesome.

I'll call your mom later to fill her in.

And boys, please don't screw up when you're using the guy data.

What did you do?

I had some interesting experiences

on a certain famous TV show with Carmen electra

and Pamela Anderson.

It was some crazy shit.

Come on! Get out of here! Get out of here!

Fist pump it. Boom, blow it up.

Boom!

Are you there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm good.

I am old money.

I am old money.

- I own many horses. -I own many horses.

The cobbler will know my name

-and he will look me in the-- -the cobbler

- will know my name. - -When he repairs my shoes.

They will look me in the eyes

when he repairs my shoes.

The cobbler will know my name, and he will look me in the eyes.

- The cobbler. - When he repairs my shoes.

Look me in the eyes.

When he repairs my shoes.

I'm old money.

I think-- I think i might love you.

Ajay, let's go.

Oh, fuck, man!

I was about to score in my dream and you ruined it.

What did she look like?

Let me guess, you're the kinda guy that likes small tits.

Uh, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Danny! Ajay!

Uh, boys, downstairs, now!

In your face, thieves!

What the hell were you two thinking?

None of my dildos better be missing,

I'll tell you that much.

Oh, well, honey, I checked, ours are still here.

Well, that's one good piece of news.

I always knew you'd be a loser.

Why is Ross here?

Shouldn't you be serving diarrhea at captain fish?

I'm the second shift assistant manager.

I don't serve, but you got served

when I tackled your ass in the driveway before, bitch.

You got me from behind and I wasn't even looking.

Hmm! That's not the only thing you get from behind now, is it?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ross is here to help us figure out

what to do with you two.

That's right, Danny. Me, you, living room, now!

Let's go. Get up.

See, ajay? That's what a brother's supposed to do.

All right, you little fucker, anybody know?

Nobody knows.

What about your turban-wearing brother, ajay?

What does he know?

If mom or dad find out i let you dig out all those dildos from the dumpster

behind the gloryhole porn shop,

not only are you a fucking dead man,

but you can kiss all those captain fishes

free COD sandwiches good-bye.

You can't take away my COD sandwiches.

I'm not even rich yet.

I'm living COD platter to COD platter.

It really warms the heart to see how much Ross loves Danny.

Yup, that's what I call brotherly love.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

You don't even catch fish.

Unless you count fishing through the freezer.

There are no free lunches.

You should know that already, Mr. business man.

Now hug me. They're watching. Hug me right now.

Ajay, where did you get all those dildos?

Oh, um, a friend-- a girl. A girl.

Well, you know, Danny is always talking about penny stocks

maybe he sold off a few to buy them.

Amazing. He's our little entrepreneur.

Those two really love each other.

Yeah, two future power players

in the midst of a sibling love embrace.

When I get rich,

I'm gonna buy all the captain fishes in the world

and fucking fire you.

Now that just sounds fiscally irresponsible.

Besides, you don't have the skill or the capital

to ever make that happen.

You're a stupid little virgin and that's all you'll ever be.

Looks like you two had a great talk.

I hope you learned something.

I did, mom.

Very good. Very good.

Don't worry, mom. Don't worry, dad.

I straightened him out.

He's gonna be a good little boy,

aren't you, Danny?

God damn it!

There's an overturned shrimp truck on the highway.

- I gotta jet. - -Thanks, Ross.

You're a good man. You're a good man.

Love you. Bye.

Vice principal Cho-- ch--

chokachi.

Tells me you two have been assigned a mentor.

Can mentor these nuts.

Maybe those nuts need to be mentored, young man.

I wrote down the address.

It's close by. Some place called, "fatty's."

Your mentor's name is Mr. Tyler lavey.

This is one fucking hell of a salad, honey.

-Thanks, honey. -It's fucking great.

You guys fucking think it's fucking great?

This is fucking great.

Yeah?

Hi, we're looking for Tyler lavrey.

Lavrey? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

No, no, lavey. Lavey.

Lavey. Lavey. Yeah, lavey.

-Yeah, get in here. -Sorry, yeah.

You guys fucking meet muppet babies?

Give me that.

Oh! Gotta feed the meter.

Dude, what the fuck?

Balderdash! Let's go.

Was that cocaine?

Dude, it smells weird in here.

They're here for you.

Sit the fuck down.

Listen, I thought this would be a cool thing,

this high school mentorship program.

You know, a good PR move for my club,

but I don't wanna hang out with you two losers.

Look, sir, my name is ajay. This is my brother, Dan--

I don't care who you are. You know what?

I'm gonna call vice principal chokachi

and tell him I'm not cool with this whole thing.

Look, wait--

look, I'm a strong guy, you're obviously a strong guy--

are you hitting on me you little squirt?

All I'm saying is that we can help you around the bar

and get stuff done.

Hmm, you wanna do some stuff around the bar.

I don't think so.

My bar is a certain clientele.

Very exceptional people come in here.

I don't want them to see me with you two losers.

Wait.

Look, Tyler, Mr. lavey, if you don't let us do this,

principal Hanks is gonna have us by the balls.

That man keeps vaseline

and anal beads in his front desk.

He will do unspeakable things to our balls and rectum.

That's fucking gross.

You know what, i guess I get it.

I'm gonna put together a little mission list.

Things you have to do.

Complete the list, and I'll keep you guys around.

-Oh! Oh! -Mr. lavey, are you okay?

God.

Yeah, sometimes you have to feed the seed to the birdies.

Thank you.

I'm really fucking busy, as you guys can tell.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna text the two of you guys tomorrow

with the first mission,

and it's gonna be a fucking adventure, boys.

So be ready.

Uh, we're supposed to help clean up the halls?

Enter, if you dare.

Ladies, pull up a toilet.

Or just sit.

We're to clean up the uh-- dildo dick situation

you got going on there.

Let me just ask-- who flooded my halls

with rubber penises?

That was me.

-In all my years of working-- -look, sir--

-in this shit hole-- -we're really sorry.

I laughed my ass off. That was pretty amazing.

1500 rubber penises in the hallway.

I mean, I've cleaned up like 100, but 1500,

that was like, it was like a party at Elton John's house.

Oh, my god. Wow.

Anyway... do you want to play on z whistle?

Yes, the magic whistle.

Play as a whistle.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Holy shit, man.

--Whatever happened to us--

whatever happened to us cleaning up the halls?

Oh, bros, i took care of it, man.

All right? Life is tough.

I didn't want you guys to get fucked over.

I mean, look at me. I'm a janitor.

I'm smoking weed on a toilet.

I mean, I'm 19 years old.

Look at how hard life is.

I know it's funny to you, but it's tough, man.

So, consider me your life guru, all right?

And the purveyor of the best whistle weed

in this awesome land.

Sweet. I'm Danny.

-Ajay. -Was up?

Whatever.

I'm wacon.

Wacon bacon.

Your legal name is wacon bacon?

There's no fucking way.

Yeah. My parents did a lot of drugs.

Yeah, wacon bacon, man. Wake up and toke

right out of my mom's vag.

Yeah, my brother lucked out. His legal name is Turkey.

Turkey bacon.

And he changed to Kevin, and became an actor.

Have you seen like the movie, "tremors"?

Hold on. You're brothers with Kevin bacon?

Yeah, I'm his younger brother.

The Kevin bacon?

No, the other Kevin bacon.

What the fuck. There's only one Kevin bacon.

Jesus Christ.

But yeah, I'm his younger brother, man.

I uh-- we used to be really tight

and I went on the set of "footloose,"

and John lithgow was taking a nap on set and I farted

in his mouth.

And, uh, nobody thought that was very funny,

especially lithgow.

He had really bad breath after that

and ruined a couple scenes.

But anyway, long story short, you wanna buy some weed?

-Yeah. -Yeah, sure.

All right, cool.

Can we have the whistle?

Give me my fucking whistle back, man,

-are you psychotic? -All right, all right.

Oh, wow, I'm taking a shit.

All right, take out his text again.

All right, remember what Tyler said.

I gotta film you picking up a random girl. No dating sites.

That girl over there, she looks beautiful.

Bet her personality's even better.

-Okay, am I good? -You're sick.

Look at me. You're sick, you're sick.

-All right. All right. -Be strong.

Ring ring.

Hello?

All right, I'll tell her.

Um, your pants just called

and they wanna be on my bedroom floor.

-Really? -Yeah.

It just rang and I answered it

and just delivering the message.

Thanks.

Oh, shit.

There no fucking girls around here.

No, this place is dry.

Hold on.

That fucking girl's just hot.

-I don't know, man, she looks like a slut. -Exactly.

Fucking go over there and make some like

witty joke or something.

--Just tell her to leave you alone.

This is ridiculous.

Okay.

Hi, uh, you wanna, um...

You wanna go to a lumber yard with me?

Looks like you could use some wood.

-Jerk. -Asshole.

Oh, look who's a pussy now?

You know, if you have sex with a handicap guy

you go directly to heaven.

What? You don't wanna be saved?

Well, I guess you can go to hell.

My god, I'm saved.

Dude, put that thing out. What if someone sees?

Dude, I have a cane.

I'm not gonna get arrested.

Oh, my god, I am so sorry.

Nah, don't worry about it, it's fine.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Um...

You know, normally I'd arrest someone

for smoking marijuana out in public like this, but--

obviously this is medicinal, isn't it?

Yes, it's medicinal marijuana.

All right, be careful with that.

Nobody else gets to smoke that but him, all right?

-No problem. -All right.

I'm really sorry. If you guys want a drink or some food or something,

I can-- I work here, so--

well, we're Tyler's new employees.

I'm Danny Kent, future business mogul.

Power player.

I'm ajay Kent, human being.

You're both kents?

You're not brothers, are you?

Actually, we are.

I would love to hear that story.

-Maybe some other time. -Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm Jessica, Tyler's niece,

so if you guys need anything, just let me know.

What are you doing with that cane,

you little pecker?

Oh, my god, you were faking it?

Oh, my god!

That's pathetic.

Well, get inside and clean the toilets.

Let's go.

Make me a nice target, babe.

Uh, your ball.

Hold up, hold up.

Almost got it.

Hooyah!

You're an insensitive prick.

That's so cruel.

Did you guys get what I wanted?

-What? -The videotapes?

- Not cool.

- Oh, look who's a pussy now?

You guys are such fucking losers.

So now that we did what you asked,

do we have a job or not?

Well, you kinda did do what I asked,

but you also failed miserably.

So, is that a yes?

Is that a yes?

I have a very big delivery tonight.

Clients that need booze for a party.

156 Flanagan.

Here's the address.

Don't be late.

We don't have a car.

I'll have Jessica drive you.

Now get the fuck outta here.

Here's your phone.

And guys, this party's a little bit kind of weird

from what I've heard,

so get in and get the fuck out.

Okay, load it up.

Nice wheels.

It's not mine.

Why would I drive around in this weird Van?

Okay, listen, about earlier--

you know what? Just save it.

Dirtbags like you are a dime a dozen.

I see them at the bar every night.

I'm not like them.

It was an honest mistake.

Honest?

You're a pathetic little man.

Whatever.

When I die, people are gonna love me so much

they're gonna put my body on top of a mountain,

and an American flag of hot women,

fucking soaked in oil,

they're gonna mourn my death.

Well, howdy, boys.

Mrs. Hanks, I didn't know you had such a beautiful home.

Oh, stop with the Mrs. Hanks.

We're not in school.

You can call me Monica.

Okay.

Well, don't just stand there, you have a job to do.

Just unload it in the kitchen.

For your troubles.

-Wow, thanks. -Thanks.

Danny, there's something i need to speak with you about.

It's for school.

Alone.

Oh, all right, I'll wait in the Van.

See you in the Van.

Danny, I have an assignment for you.

Will you come with me?

Do you like what you see?

Yes.

Throw me on the bed.

Monica.

Fuck.

Everything okay?

What the fuck took so long?

She wanted me to put it some place else.

Uh, excuse me?

The drinks.

Forget-- let's just get outta here.

Okay.

Dude, what happened last night? You seemed off.

I don't know. It was weird.

Did Mrs. Hanks touch your pecker?

Actually, no.

But I did hear something weird going on back there.

Weird? Like a dude getting banged in the ass?

Guys! Get back to work!

It's a full fucking bar inside.

Hey, why you guys always dress in the same shit?

Dress like a man.

Get inside.

-Hell, yeah! -Ay! Oh!

Two more.

You down with o.P.P.?

You know me, baby angel.

Here, it's for you, sweetheart.

Oh, shit.

Please don't throw money at me.

Two more shots of your top vodka.

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck, bro. Do I know you?

He was taking a picture.

Ah! Not true.

-What? -Get the fuck out of here.

You two. Now!

-Whoa! -You're fucking serious?

That's why you fucking bitches belong in a god damn strip club.

-Oh, shit. -Fuck!

Bitch!

I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, Danny.

Just forget it.

Maybe we could start over?

Of course.

I'm Jessica goodall.

Jessica, I'm Danny Kent.

Do you wanna go out sometime?

He's only 17.

My mom's nine years older than my dad,

and I'll be 18 of next week.

Let's go.

Get back to work.

Have you been there the whole time?

Someone's gotta do the work.

Yeah, someone's gotta do the work.

Fucking crack head.

Uh!

That's the real Cunningham pennyfeather.

I'm gonna talk to him.

I own many horses.

Horses? Horses?

Oh, god, don't say I wandered into some barn again.

No sir, this is a bar.

A bar?

Well, then.

Can you get me a drink then?

You gonna have the usual, Mr. pennyfeather?

Well, only if the usual comes I suppose.

Work a little.

Sweat them up what you got there.

If you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

Actually.

This young fella here, you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. I know what he means.

He knows.

Sir, I just wanna say that the power triangle changed my life,

and it turned me into the person I currently am.

Well, that's good.

That'll be eight bucks.

Uh, how about you taking care of this young fella?

From one power triangle to another,

glad we're here.

The pleasure's all mine.

Thank you, sir.

Get back to work.

Pennyfeather, this better be worth my time.

I just left my youth wrestling tournament.

I didn't know you coached.

-Most happy. -Yeah, coach, yeah?

Well, that's a nice euphemism for legal child molestation.

Coaching, hell, no. Those are meat markets.

I go there for the young gonad.

There you go,

straight from the presses.

Guarantee offered in the loo, my friend.

What would I do with your pube little Tome, huh?

I'm kinda down at the moment.

You know i-- I just kinda need an infusion of cash,

if you know what mean.

I mean, I'll do anything.

Anything.

Now you listen to me, you old queer.

Don't come on to me like that, okay?

Damn it, kosta!

My water pesters me.

I've got no where in this world

where I can sit and get an iota of comfort.

God, you are really fucking with my vibe right now,

you know that?

Fine, fine.

Now look, this party makes the illuminati

look like a bunch of mormons, okay?

They're real power players, real men with real cash.

You gotta behave like someone kind of important.

The address is 256 Flanagan.

Bring your crap and be ready, okay?

Dude, did you hear that?

It's the same place we were last night.

So? It's a fucking party in a mansion.

What do you expect?

Yeah, a mansion where I heard some guy scream, "Chrissy."

Well, what do you wanna do? Call the cops?

Are you fucking crazy?

If we find Chrissy Morgan, we'd be famous.

Why would I?

I promise I will. I will!

And one more thing, pennyfeather.

Don't even pretend to be straight.

And don't bring your dead wife's ashes, please.

Oh, no, Lucy, she'll stay in the glove compartment

like she always does.

-Yeah. Whatever. -Thank you. Thank you.

I can see the fucking headlines,

"Kent brothers find missing girl."

It's fucking iconic.

All right, I see where you're going with this.

I got an idea.

Thinking what I'm thinking?

Fortunately, yes.

How do I look?

You have the body of an oil tycoon

and the face of an 18-year-old virgin.

How about now?

Surprisingly convincing.

But you should acquire a fake beard.

Fly me--

hey, Danny, you in?

Yeah, just waiting for Justin to get around back.

Okay, anything I can do?

Email me the Wikipedia page for pennyfeather.

I don't want to be caught off guard

if anyone starts asking questions.

Hey, Danny, be safe, all right?

Take care of Jessica.

It's gonna be epic.

I am old money. I own several horses.

The cobbler will know my name.

Batten down the hatch, i have arrived.

Oh, my god, Michael j, it's so good to see you.

Oh! Velour, velour, velour.

Have a good time tonight.

Hi, hi, hi. Oh, my god!

Oh! It's the lone ranger. I love a man in a mask.

Oh, my god, i love a man in a mask.

Where is Tonto?

Oh! Must be Tonto. Oh, my god.

You were always my favorite.

There must be guns inside. Can't wait. Oh, my god.

Invitation?

You've reached the Brian studs hotline.

To begin your sexual journey, press one.

Show me the secret sign, please.

What do you like to do, ajay?

I like to draw.

Are you any good?

Yeah, I mean, I got a full ride scholarship

to fine arts institute.

Are you still in school?

Yeah, I'm a high school senior.

What do I look like in your mind?

Well, you're probably sitting next to a microphone,

and you're a musician, so you're probably slender and artistic.

You're more right than you think.

Bob! Did you hear that?

What?

Stop messing around, Bob, i thought I heard someone.

No, honey, I think you're just being paranoid.

I'm sorry.

I haven't been sleeping well lately.

I'm just so worried about the boys.

They're good kids, honey.

They just got a little carried away.

I'm sure you remember what it was like being a teenager

with all those hormones, hmm?

Mmm.

Hey, now, all right.

-Hey. -Mmm.

So do you remember how to make a "hormone"?

Oh, yes, I do.

My little Bobby wants some sugar, mamma bear.

I got some sugar for papa bear. Come on.

Come to mama.

So that pretty much sums up why I'm stuck working at a bar

with an overgrown man child and an undergrown-- child.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but did you say you hung hundreds of dildos

from the ceiling and the walls at your school?

Well, my brother, Danny did.

Wow, that's kind of impressive.

I mean, I helped, too. It was both of us.

Sounds like your brother, Danny,

is over compensating for his perceived lack of success

by creating situations to impress those on him.

Yes! Finally! Someone who understands.

Remember that everyone has a journey

and must come to a personal truth at their own pace.

Life is not a sprint, but a marathon.

Get in here.

Shh.

I can't believe i agreed to this.

What's the plan?

I don't exactly have one yet.

Oh, that's just perfect.

Okay, how about I stay away from everything,

if Chrissy Morgan's here she's isolated from the party.

Okay.

Get out there and mingle, I'll look for her.

All right. I'll look for anyone suspicious.

-Okay. -And Jessica,

if anything happens to you,

all right-- uh, high five? Good luck.

Fist bump.

This had better be good, Steven.

Oh, it's gonna be good.

She's almost ready for the ceremony.

Watch this.

Bow.

Oh, for god's sake. Bow a little lower

for the madam, please.

That's better.

Now watch this.

First position.

Decent.

Second position.

Unacceptable.

Damn it, Chrissy.

You know, if we really want to do this right,

I think some deep red dahlias

would accent the blood vessels.

-No! -Oh, shut up, you little slut.

At least you're wearing a white wedding dress.

Whoa! Whoa! Guys, easy.

Easy, Chrissy!

-Winner, first fall. -Hey!

Oh, honey, you were great.

Boy, if you had a fucking dick,

you and me would be good.

Yeah, god. Nicely done.

Hey, pennyfeather, get your ass over here.

Help me lube up here.

Here hold this for me, would you?

Don't drink that shit, it's lube!

I guess it comes down to being ashamed

of my disappointing parents.

Sweetie, this isn't 1950 anymore.

If people can't love you for being who you are,

do you really want them in your life?

I just don't wanna be disowned by my parents.

I'm sure if you knew what your parents were into,

it would shock you.

Papa bear.

Yeah, I guess, but what about Danny?

I'm sure Danny will find a way to become comfortable with this.

What about some nice bleeding hearts?

You stupid son of a bitch.

If it weren't for me, none of these girls

would have beautiful sacrifices.

If it were left up to you, they would all be just dying

in front of wood paneling and shag carpeting.

Yes, dear.

You know what? I forgot to call my sister.

I was gonna ask her about staying at the lake this summer.

I think the boys would like a surprise visit to the lake.

Who's this on my phone?

Get off my phone, freak!

No, I'm not gone.

Get your butt downstairs right now, mister.

Ajay, were you getting catfished?

What? I don't--

do you even know what that means?

Now, son, now we only want what's best for you.

Listen, I know what I heard.

And if this is another one of yours and Danny's pranks,

I want it to stop now.

-But mom-- -but nothing.

Your father and I work too hard to keep you kids fed

with a roof over your heads.

I expect this from Danny.

Not you, ajay.

Speaking of-- where is he?

Go get him.

Oh, uh, he told me he wasn't feeling well.

I think he already went to bed.

I don't care. Go get him.

My god, I picture you with six inches of cock

and bullets the size of Rhode Island,

you hear me?

That's beautiful, well done.

I gotta take this. I gotta take this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, you just saved me from the weirdest shit.

It's mom. She wants to see you now.

Well, how can i do that, ajay,

when I'm Cunningham pennyfeather

surrounded by a bunch of oiled up muscle chicks?

What? Where are you?

Okay, look, stall mom,

and I'll be home as fast as I can.

Ajay, get over here now!

Chrissy!

Stop that!

Somebody stop her!

-Stop her! -Sorry.

We've got an imposter! We've got an imposter!

Let me--

--stop him! Stop him!

- Go! -He's got my clothes on, stop him.

-Police!. -He's got my clothes on, stop him! Stop him!

Danny Kent, what in the fuck are you doing here?

Catch you little prick!

-I'm getting you, -you little cock sucker. Stop him!

-Do you hear me? -Stop the man! Stop him!

Mom, he's uh, he's got the shits.

He's shitting real bad up there.

I think he ate that COD meal.

Okay, well, ask him if he wants me

to make him some tea for his tummy.

But as soon as he's done, to get his rear down here.

Okay, will do, will do.

I'll get him right away.

Okay, here comes lavey.

Tyler, dude, where are you?

Tyler, dude, where are you?

I'm pretty sure I found Chrissy Morgan.

Oh, yeah, and Jessica might have been kidnapped.

Okay, bye.

Hurry up, come in.

I wanna go on the record for being totally against this.

Did you want mom to catch you?

Boys, be here, now!

What the hell, boys?

Just when I think things cant get any worse,

you pull this crap.

- Mom, you don't understand.

I wonder who it could be at this hour.

I don't know, go check, Bob.

It's a police officer.

Christ, what did you kids do now?

Hi, officer. What can I do for you?

I can't believe you hired an escort.

Who even delivers at this hour?

Well, you're not a real police officer.

I'm not here to dance.

This is how this is about to go down, you see?

Who is that?

Why the fuck are you throwing carrots?

Give me the orange.

Guys, come on, let's go.

Where are you taking them?

-What? -What are you doing?

Wait!

Come on, this way.

Damn it.

Did you do as I asked?

And who might that be?

Oh, terrific!

Just one day before the biggest sacrificial offering

in the history of secret societies

and we have three men who know too much.

The most wealthy, powerful men in the known universe

are going to be here tomorrow night.

Men, who, mind you, are paying me good money to be a part

of sacrificial offerings.

We must not let these kids foil our plans.

Just kill them.

Where are we?

You ask way too many questions, kid.

-Too many questions? -Yeah.

I think now is the perfect time

to ask many, many, many fucking questions.

My girl's in danger.

Your girl? You mean my niece?

The one you dragged into this mess

because you couldn't mind your own business?

Guys, look.

We're in imminent danger

and you bring us to see an old fucking lady.

What, is she going to give us a cough drop

and tell us how polio was?

That's my grandmother and she can hear you.

Guys, shut the fuck up, all right?

-We're here because, uh-- -i know.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Oh, um, that's why we're here.

I see.

Get rest.

You're gonna need it.

Insecurity.

Lack of self understanding.

And most prominently, a fear of the truth.

These are all human attributes.

Attributes I see in the three of you.

Oh, what is that?

Bunch of pussies.

The sooner you set yourselves free

the sooner we can free Jessica.

Unity amongst you is beautiful

and will grow stronger with time and trust.

Now whether Tyler told you, i raised Jessica.

She is an amazing young bright woman,

and she means the world to me.

You know where she is?

I know where she is.

We need knives and guns.

No guns, no knives.

When I was a secret agent I used only unconventional tactics,

things no one had ever seen.

Where do we find such things?

Within yourselves. Team work together.

Let the synergy be your guide.

The three of you make a triangle.

The power triangle.

I have faith in you three.

On the count of three, let's do a power triangle.

One, two, three.

Power triangle.

Everything okay?

Now press the envelope and deliver.

Let's get epic.

There's our man right there.

There's our man. This man will hate you.

When we're on, we're good.

Throw my money. Get my money.

This is my money.

You're a pathetic little man.

Your greed sickens me.

You don't-- you don't understand

the power of the triangle, kid.

No, you don't understand the power of the triangle.

Go to sleep, old man.

I'm going in.

Shit, I don't have my phone.

Here, take mine.

Thanks, bro.

Bro? Since when do you call me bro?

This is the first time I feel like I've been one to you.

I expect to hear a lot more then.

Listen, enough of this, you two love birds.

When you locate Jessica, you text us.

We got your back.

Ticket.

Uh, I left it in my delorean next to my flux capacitor.

Very funny, kosta, used that line last night.

I still need a ticket.

Enjoy your evening, sir.

Kosta, your presence is requested.

This is your night.

Why are you doing this to me?

All because...

I wanna make you look...

Fabulous, yeah.

- Mmm...Mmm... That's pretty.

This was my mother's wedding dress.

She wore it.

You know, she liked little boys.

She couldn't help herself.

Neither can I.

Well, well, well, Mr. Jeremy.

I love watching you swallow.

What's going on up there?

Just a porn star choking the chicken.

For god's sakes, what's that fucking yeti doing here?

How does he stand the heat at night?

Those pecs are like steamed vegetables.

Kosta! Hi! This is my friend, kosta.

Everybody meet kosta.

Kosta meet everybody.

Hey, kosta, you ever give a little kid a used condom,

and tell him it was a go-gurt.

Oh!

Seems a little fucked up.

-That is fucked up. -Oh, excuse me.

Aren't you standing tip toe on your high horse today!

Seems a little disrespectful.

This from a guy who rationalizes having sex with minors,

by bragging you have the highest test scores in the state!

Like that's gonna justify it.

Hey, you gotta admit those 'cause they're limping off

-to a brighter future. -That's why I love you, potsie.

Come here, you slime ball. Let's have a private moment,

come here, come here.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

You're not a bad guy, you need a black hat.

You need some love.

Kosta, what do you think of the girls you got here?

-Fucking girls. -Pretty sexy, huh?

-Oh, that-- -yeah, I'd love to--

I mean, no, no, my penis is like kix.

Kid tested mother approved.

-Oh, it is, it's mother approved. -And he's right it is.

-Faster, you're getting soft. -My mother approved.

-You're getting soft. In fact-- -maybe too soft.

-I think a little too soft. -Maybe.

They all have masks.

Check this out.

You're getting soft, kosta.

Perhaps a little too soft.

Ah! Oh, my god.

You know, we have a strong policy about intruders here.

You picked the wrong party to crash.

Hold him, Ron. I'll get the gun.

Well, make it quick. I wanna keep this festive.

Yeah, right.

Cut it out! Just lie there, will ya?

Now who are you?

-I'm kosta. -You're not kosta!

I'm looking at your face, you idiot.

What brings you to this party?

Why are you here?

Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Who's this?

Is this miracle lamentations of love?

Miracle lamentations of love.

Oh! It's Eric, baby, hi.

I know.

I wanna-- i wanna talk to him.

Hi, I have a big cock and I like to get a nice ball suck massage.

Look, I'm sitting here, my penis is out parking the car.

The eagle society secret wealthy group

of prominent homosexual men with mommy issues,

often blaming the infidelities of their mothers

as the root of their unhappiness.

It's very encyclopedic.

Seems too straightforward.

Like a suppository for a secret book.

Well, maybe the guys that wrote this thing

were on a tight deadline.

So I have a problem with premature ejaculation.

Hey, why are you giving Ron Jeremy my phone?

Not that I mind where his hands have been.

Who cares about the fucking phone?

Any ideas where my niece is?

I got an idea.

Let the games begin.

Gentlemen, tonight we put an end to the ghost

of our mothers' judgment.

No longer will we be judged

for the choices that we've made.

Choices that were made that were predetermined

before we came out of our mother's womb.

Let the sacrifice begin.

Dude, you're homosexual, why didn't you tell me?

You? How could i possibly tell you?

All you care about is material things,

how people perceive you.

How can I be honest with you?

You're not even honest with yourself, Danny.

Fucker.

You know, Sonny, you've always been

a disappointment to me.

I expect that from sons who wet the bed

until age 15.

If your mothers could see you now.

Oh, yes, they can.

You should always carry a piece of your mother in your heart.

It's picture school day and you're not even dressed

to impress.

You better smile, you--

oh, fuck!

Get over there.

Everybody back the fuck off

or you're gonna get an ass full of lead.

And to clarify, this is a deadly weapon.

I'm not talking about any kind

of kinky stuff.

What did you do with my mistress?

You can say she's waking up to some harsh realities.

Nah, this is my favorite one.

Got it from a blind guy.

That's an apple, you idiot.

Oh, yeah, did you hear me just mention that he's blind?

God, for a mistress of the secret society,

you're a fucking stupid whore.

You know, if this doesn't work out, Mrs. Hanks,

-maybe you and-- -save your words, kosta,

a person like me would never sleep with a troll like you.

No, no, no, no, no,

that's not what I was talking about, my dear.

I was talking about a teaching reference

for an elementary school, you're 35 years too old for me.

I am 42.

Exactly.

Can I jerk off on your tits?

No!

I was talking to him.

I can pay you in rubber penises.

-Absolutely. -Nice.

The oakwood community can all sleep a little easier now

thanks to three men, that choose to only

be referred to as the power triangle,

a young woman was rescued from captivity.

The perpetrators, oakwood high school principal,

Steven Hanks, and his wife, psychologist, Monica Hanks,

are being held for questioning.

Once again, it's seems as though good has prevailed.

We'll be here bringing you up to the date coverage

as soon as it becomes available.

This is Sofia Briley signing off for oakwood news, channel three.

-Hey guys, you did it. -No, we did it.

And now that I'm 18, we're gonna do it.

That's my boy.

Hey, where's Ross?

Well, the busy buddy couldn't make it.

He's too busy doing R&D on a new lobster sandwich.

Hey, guys, congratulations, we did it.

Guys, I just gotta say something,

if ajay wasn't gay, I'd be dead right now,

and for that, I'm forever grateful

to his homosexuality.

I've got a surprise for you.

Ajay, I have never been more proud of you

than I am in this moment.

Thanks, dad.

I can't wait to gossip with you and catch up

on the soap operas.

Anyway, listen, drinks on the power triangle.

Cheers.

Hold on, power triangle?

I don't have any money.

It's all right, trust me,

I've got something to show you guys.

Let's go check it out.

Come on.

Take a look.

This is amazing, Tyler, thank you.

Can I redesign the interior?

Of course, it's yours.

All right, guys, on the count to three

let's do a power triangle.

Let's do it.

-One, two-- -whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

Always treat Jessica like a Princess.

I will.

-Three-- -power triangle!

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey. -Hey, that's mine.

Shut up.

That's mine! You can't take that!

-Knock it off. -No, I fight back.

-Grab his legs. -Got it.

Oh, this guy.

Good thing.