Original subtitles

subs by enwansix

♪ Les filles les garçons, Les garçons et les filles ♪

♪ C'est fait pour vivre ensemble ♪

♪ C'est normal ♪

♪ Pourvu qu'ils soient d'accord ♪

♪ Rien d'anormal ♪

♪ Il y avait une fille dans le groupe où j'étais ♪

♪ Que j'avais remarquée ♪

♪ Elle était ♪

♪ Jolie comme une poupée, elle me plaisait ♪

♪ Un soir elle a ♪

♪ Voulu aller danser ♪

♪ Au cinéma ♪

♪ Moi je l'ai entraînée ♪

♪ Quand on était tous les deux comme deux amoureux ♪

♪ J'étais intimidé ♪

♪ C'est pour ça ♪

♪ Qu'au début j'avais peur de l'embrasser ♪

♪ En dix minutes, ça s'est arrangé ♪

♪ Depuis le soir ♪

♪ Le soir du cinéma ♪

♪ Je crois qu'elle a ♪

♪ Un sentiment pour moi ♪

♪ Et quand on est tous les deux comme deux amoureux ♪

♪ Je n'ai plus peur de rien ♪

♪ Car au fond ♪

♪ Au fond je vois très bien que l'on se plait ♪

♪ Comme vous voyez, ça s'est arrangé ♪

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today, as promised, I'm gonna share

my zucchini chocolate chip cookie recipe.

But first,

many of you have asked me for an update on the Emily situation.

And for those of you who are new to my vlog,

you should know my

best friend Emily is missing right now.

She asked me a simple favor

to pick up her son, Nicky from school

which was five days ago.

And she hasn't come back yet, so.

I'm sorry, we're all really worried

and I'm doing everything I can

to help the police track her down.

I'm realizing I don't

know her as well as I thought I did.

It's like my mom used to say,

God rest her soul, um,

"Secrets are like margarine;

"easy to spread, bad for the heart."

But as different as we are,

I do consider Emily my best friend.

She's this wonderful, elegant person.

And our sons brought us together, actually.

Well, for, you know, for our new friends,

I'll just start from the beginning.

I met Emily a few weeks ago

at school.

It was International Cuisine Day

in my son's first-grade class.

And once again, I drew Sweden

which meant my famous meatless meatballs.

You're all dead!

I killed everyone!

Not me. I came back to life.

I want to thank everyone who participated in today's feast.

Yay!

Class, haven't we learned so much

about food from around the world?

Yes!

Give your parents a big round of applause!

Big smile!

Like, where does she get all that energy from?

What are you lookin' at?

I think there's crystal meth in those meatballs.

Ooh, uh, parents, there's a sign up sheet on the board

for our fun fair next week.

Uh, please, Stephanie, don't sign up for more than one job.

I'm not sure everyone else has had a chance to volunteer.

Miles, sweetie, sweetie, maybe just be careful

with your fingers with Nicky's truck, okay?

Has Nicky's mom volunteered?

Emily?

Like she would know a sign up sheet if it bit her on the ass.

God, it'd be my dream to run PR for Dennis Nylon.

Can you imagine all the free shit she must get?

I know.

Okay, I'm crossing myself off decorations.

I can leave that open for Emily.

And then if she can't make it,

I can still bring my balloons and helium tank.

Please tell me you don't actually own a helium tank, Stephanie.

I think lots of people own helium tanks, Stacy.

'Cause kids love balloons.

Do you not have one,

you bad parent?

I'm kidding.

We're terrible parents.

I think it's a perfect plan, Stephanie.

Good thinkin', Sss-tephanie.

Hey, smooch, aww... great work today, smooch!

Smooch?

- Thanks a lot, Mom. - Aw...

Can me and Miles have a playdate today?

Um, I don't know, sweetie,

I think we need to ask your mommy

and she's still in the city.

She's right there.

Come here, little dude!

Ooh, my baby.

Mm, mm, look at your shirt.

Did any food make it in your mouth?

Ask her, Nicky, ask her!

Ask me what?

We want a playdate.

Oh, we can't. Mommy already has a playdate

with a symphony of antidepressants.

- Let's go. - Playdate! Playdate! Playdate!

Nicky, please don't do this.

I gotta go, c'mon. I got a ton of work to do.

You won't let me have any fun.

That's not true, I let you

tear my labia as you exited my body.

So you're welcome.

You drink?

I need a martini.

Oh, uh, yeah, I like martinis.

I haven't had one in a-a long time.

They're good though.

Had one that was like, mostly chocolate.

And I was like, oh, chocolate. Oh...

Mom life...

Oh, okay. No playdate. C'mon, kid, let's go.

Then I'm staying here.

Christ, he's fucking stubborn.

It doesn't have to have chocolate in it. Like...

Okay, I don't think I'm gonna win this.

So, um...

I mean, do you wanna come over for a beverage of any kind?

I think I could use some backup.

That's me? I'm backup?

Does your kid drink? Maybe?

It's never too early to start teachin' 'em.

I think you're joking. But, great.

- Sweetie? - You, let's go.

Let's get your umbrella out, okay?

'Cause we're gonna go out in the rai-i-in.

What on earth are those two gonna talk about?

Emily's gonna eat poor Stephanie alive.

At least she'll be eating something.

What is your problem?

Go show him your room.

Go.

Oh, please don't run... Be safe please.

Cute socks.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, they're from Target.

It's ten bucks a pack. So great. Target.

They have other animals. They have these squirrels.

- They're cute, chipmunks. - Mmm.

Beavers.

That's... so...

lifelike!

Yeah.

D'you like it?

Ah... how could you not?

It's, um...

Right?

I used to dye my hair. I get bored easily.

Yeah, um... did you paint that?

No, no, no. It's made by an almost famous painter

from the East Village. Half my life is littered with

almost somebodies.

I did some work modeling in school

to pay my way through.

But then the pervert got obsessed with me.

Oh, well, that happens, yeah.

So I stole the painting from him

thinking it would be worth something someday, but no.

No such luck.

This house is incredible.

Thanks. It's a fucking money pit.

Oopsy.

Hmm?

Oh, sorry, it's um,

what we say at my house when someone swears.

It's a force of habit.

We have a...

an oopsy jar on the pantry. It's like, you know,

put a quarter in for every bad word.

You should smash the oopsy jar.

It might change your life.

Yeah... yech, sorry.

Don't say sorry.

You don't need to do that. You don't need to apologize.

It's a fucked up female habit.

You don't need to be sorry for anything ever.

That's-That's true. That's great advice. Thank you.

- I love this music, by the way. - Thanks.

Yeah. Makes me forget I'm stuck in this shithole.

I'm gonna go get booze.

Great!

♪ Je sais bien qu'un ex amour ♪

♪ N'a pas de chance ou si peu ♪

♪ Mais pour moi ♪

♪ Une explication vaudrait mieux ♪

♪ Sous aucun prétexte je ne veux ♪

♪ Devant toi surexposer mes yeux ♪

♪ Derrière un Kleenex ♪

♪ Je saurais mieux ♪ Mhrmm.

I was really caught up in the ambiance.

Come on, give me a little more.

Ooh.

I like that. I may join you later.

Oh, you must love cooking in this kitchen.

No, not really, but Sean does.

I think it's probably just an excuse to avoid writing.

Your husband's a writer?

No, h-he wrote a book ten years ago.

It made him the toast of the town.

I actually had to stalk him to make him fall in love with me.

Then nothing, he never,

he never wrote anything ever again.

It's so bait and switch.

What was the book?

It's called Darkness at Dawn.

Oh, my gosh! I read that in my book club.

- Really? - This was...

Yeah, this was back when I first became a single mom

and I joined this book club

and that was the first book we read.

It's... I, it's so impressive.

So you're divorced, then?

Widowed.

Do you mind if I asked how he died?

Car accident.

- Oh, how awful. - Yeah.

My brother Chris was in the passenger seat.

You're kidding.

In one fell swoop

and the two most important men in my life were gone.

Normally, sad stories

don't get to me, 'cept for that one.

That one did. That was brutal.

I don't talk about it a lot.

Especially with people I just met. I'm really sorry.

Oh... hmm...

Baby, if you apologize again,

I'm gonna have to slap the sorry out of you.

Yeah. That's so, I'm not sorry.

That's a hard habit to break, though.

It is.

So, you dating anyone?

No.

Slim pickin's in Warfield.

Well, you are an hour and a half outside the city.

I'm not gonna date someone from the city.

I tried eHarmony for a while,

um, and then that mother of three

wound up with her head in a trash can.

You remember that? And I... oof.

I said, no, thank you. Don't need it.

What?

C'mon, baby, you're too sexy to give up.

That's nice. I don't know, um...

If your head's gonna end up in a trash can,

your head's gonna end up in a trash can.

Didn't think I would end up a single mom.

Struggling to make ends meet, it's...

I mean, my husband had life insurance.

Thank goodness, but not a lot.

I put half of that away for Miles' college and

so with that coming in,

the money still runs out in 2020.

Thank God for his life insurance.

- Yeah. - My husband doesn't have anything.

Makes me feel better, but he does spend

like he's the man of the hour.

I fucking have to pay for everything.

We can't even sell this house.

We bought it during the bubble and...

I love your house.

I wouldn't dream of selling it.

If I were you, I'd just...

I'd just bask in the kitchen all day long.

Maybe you should move in.

Here, cheers to being house poor.

Yes, cheers!

- Mmm. - What?

That's, uh...

It's just another one of my bad decisions.

Yeah.

It's-It's great, is that a charity symbol?

Yeah, Mother Teresa and I are like, the same person, so.

It's a nice contrast with your ring.

Thanks, well, this is a family heirloom.

It belonged to Sean's great grandmom and then his mom

and she insisted that I have it, so.

Whose Subaru is blocking the garage?

Speak of the devil.

Oh, that's mine. I'm sorry, I...

- You're what? - Nngh...

Your wife is trying to get me to stop apologizing.

Maybe you can get her to start.

Ooh.

- Hi. - Mmm.

Hi.

Oh, martini time.

I'm sure it's 5:00 somewhere.

Oh, my God, did you just come up with that cliché by yourself?

He's such a brilliant writer.

I have to say you inspire me.

Not enough, apparently.

"Well, thank you very much

for going to the grocery store," he said,

dripping with sarcasm.

Oh, I figured you'd want a break from not writing... ever.

Uh-huh!

With that fatal blow, she won the joust.

Mmm.

- Well played. - Thank you.

This is Stephanie.

Our kid goes to Warfield with her kid.

She read your book.

I-I did. I loved it!

It reminded me of William Thackeray.

She really read it.

Wow.

Not many people train on Thackeray as a reference.

Oh, I was an English major at Barnard.

It was pre-mommy brain.

I did my thesis on the Canterbury Tales.

"And with that word Arcite gan espy

"Whereas this lady roamed to and fro"

"And with that sight, her beauty hurt him so"

I'm sorry, do you guys wanna get a room?

Am I breaking this up?

I like that.

Hey, do you want me to make you a drink?

No, I'm good. You guys enjoy.

I'm gonna head upstairs for a shower.

Okay.

Pleased to meet you, Sharon.

Yeah.

It's lovely to meet you!

He's terrible with names.

Oh, yeah, I mean, 'Stephanie' is

crazy, like, p-h, what?

You guys are such a cute couple.

Yeah, we're on the verge of bankruptcy.

And uh, we can't find a decent nanny in all of Connecticut, so.

Drowning.

If you ever need me to pick up Nicky after school,

take him to my house,

even if... you just need the night off...

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, anything.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

If it's your first visit to the vlog,

a hearty welcome.

Today's theme is friendship.

So today I thought we would make...

friendship bracelets!

I have never understood these silly

hurtful divisions between working moms

and stay-at-home moms.

Honestly, I have found it difficult to make friends with either.

Emily!

Hi! What's up, lady?

Hey, I was wondering if I could

take you up on your offer to pick up Nicky.

I'm in a meeting with no end in sight.

Uh, yeah, I'm happy to help, actually.

Um, I just got these jumbo set of curler beads...

Yeah, yeah, okay. You're the best.

Yeah, okay, um, just, does Nicky have any dietary restrictions?

Yeah, yeah, just uh,

just don't feed him shit he doesn't like.

- Thanks. - Don't feed...?

Okay.

Oh, my God. She's so funny.

Whoo.

No, no, no, Dennis. This is what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna do my job. You're gonna take some pills.

And then I'm gonna call you later, okay?

What? Oh, oh! I can't hear you. I-I'm in an elevator.

I am hungry for flesh!

Just...

Darth Mommy, it's this game... it's really silly.

Honestly, his dad was much better at the roughhousing stuff.

- Don't do that. - Do what?

Don't denigrate your good parenting

to comfort me for my shitty parenting.

Oh, gosh, no, Emily, that's,

that's not what I was doing at all. I think you're a super mom.

Aw, no, you don't.

C'mon, you coulda had lobster bisque for lunch the other day.

I'm lucky if I remember my kid's lunchbox.

Honestly, it's fine.

The nicest thing I could do for Nicky is blow my brains out.

I'm kidding.

Right, yeah, you, um...

You work in the city, so.

Did you just take my picture?

I'm yearbook mom.

Did I ask you to take my picture?

- Erase it. - Um, you look really chic.

It's just for faces and places... just for the other parents.

Erase it

or I'll slap a fucking injunction on your yearbook,

- d'you understand? - Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, it's gone.

Woof. Bye-bye.

Don't do that again.

Oh, my gosh, so sorry... or I didn't mean to offend you.

Um, I'm sure that stuff's really sensitive and you're...

No, no. So it's all good.

I guess I'm probably not the kind of person

you're normally friends with.

Oh, you do not want to be friends with me. Trust me.

Dennis, sweetie, let's try this again, um...

Okay, I want you to go home and chill the fuck out

and don't ever call me again. Bye.

That's how you talk to your boss?

Yeah, you gotta go right at 'em.

Especially the powerful ones

or they will fuck you in the face.

Yeah. I get that.

Wanna get outta here?

Mommy needs a drink.

Yeah. Totally.

Nicky!

Come here, guys!

I guess we're going.

Hey, Nicky! Bounce! Now!

Okay, I have a gift for you. Please close your eyes.

Mnh-mnh.

Yeah. Hold out your tattooed hand, please.

This is happening. I'll wait all day.

- Are you propositioning me? - Yes.

Good. I made that for you.

You made this for me?

Thought it would go with that pinstripe suit you have.

Really, that-that's nice, no one does stuff like this for me.

I used to um, watch those Bewitched reruns on TV Land.

And I always thought it was so classy when

Darren would come home from work

and Samantha would fix him a martini.

Every time we do this, I feel so high tone.

My God, you're such a nerd.

Fuck this, I need a real martini.

- This one's not real? - Nope.

Sean and I had the real thing at Dukes in London.

The key: frozen gin.

And a frozen glass.

Okay.

Move, bad martini.

'Kay.

Little bit of vermouth.

Swirl it around.

Dump.

Don't you dare touch that washcloth.

Then, add in your gin.

Mmm.

You need a twist.

Squeeze it, outside up. Get a nice little mist.

Lick the edges.

And voila. And don't add fucking ice.

- Ever. - We don't like ice anymore?

Shit ruins everything.

Tough day at work?

I just need to hit the reset button sometimes.

- Well, cheers. - Cheers.

Make me one of those?

Do I look reset?

'Cause I feel reset.

You smell good.

What is that perfume? You smell so good.

- I wish I smelled like you. - Thank you.

Uh, i-it's one of Dennis'.

I can get you one. I can get you a bathtubful

if you'd like.

I do, I-I would lo- I would love, love

love it, girlfriend. Thank you.

I'm really unhappy with myself

for taking that picture.

Oh, my God, are you still talking about that?

It was so rude.

- It was like, ooh, paparazzi. - Stop. Forget about it.

You are so nice.

I have no idea how you've survived this long.

I'm not as nice as you think, so.

Are you baiting me?

No! I'm just saying...

- Everybody has a dark side. - Mm-hmm.

Some of us are better at hiding it than others.

Wanna trade confessions?

- N-No. No. - Come on.

What's the wildest thing you've ever done?

Oh, I dunno, no, I shouldn't...

You go first.

Okay, um...

A few months ago, Sean and I had his TA over for um,

dinner and drinks and a threesome.

Well, was Sean jealous of him?

Did I say it was a him?

That's very cool, sis. Very cool.

- You okay? - Yeah!

I don't mean to freak you out.

Hello?

What d'you mean freaked out? Maybe you're freaked out.

'Cause I'm not freaked out. I'm cool. I'm laissez-faire.

Okay, laissez-faire, I...

I mean, you're not exactly a sexual maverick, and that's fine.

You know, prudes are people too.

I wanna know your secret, tell me.

My dad died when I was a senior in high school.

And...

this boy showed up for the funeral.

His name was Chris.

And I guess he is

the spitting image of my father 30 years younger.

So my mom

thought she saw a ghost...

And it turned out he was my half-brother.

That's-That's your whole secret?

That your-your dad had an affair?

No!

Okay, can you just tell me your secret? Come on.

Spill it, dark side.

So, Chris...

It was too late for him to drive home, so he stayed over.

We stayed up all night talking.

And...

my dad was...

My dad was really the person who understood me.

And he was gone, so.

I was...

alone, alone for the first time.

But he...

sees me, you know?

Like he really sees me.

And we just stared at each other for the longest time.

Wait, you can't be too drunk at my house not to finish the story.

- What happened? - Yeah... uh...

Okay, so...

I don't know, maybe it's not so racy where you're from, but,

Stop avoiding. Tell me what happened.

We stood there for the longest time.

So, I went in to hug him and...

we kissed.

I know. It's so gross.

- The end? - Yeah.

- You just kissed? - Yeah, we kissed.

You just kissed y-y-your brother?

- Yeah, it's so... - What?

Well, it was like, uch, it's so lurid.

It's my half-brother, it's not my brother, but it's...

- It's your half-brother though. Okay. - It's like...

- It's, but... - Yeah, there's more.

- No. No, there's no more. - Mm-hmm.

No, no. Yeah, there is.

- Mmm. - So.

You fucked him.

What?!

Was he good?

That is so disgusting.

I don't know.

- Oh, you didn't fuck him? - I don't...

Tell me you didn't fuck him.

- I don't know what's going on in here. - Swear.

I swear.

Swear on your dad's grave.

Uh...

Oh, my God.

- Don't. - You're a brother fucker!

This is good.

Oh, my God.

I've got a brother fucker taking care of my kid.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Brother fucker.

You know what? I don't know.

It's these stupid martinis.

Hey, brother fucker, do you wanna stay for dinner?

I shouldn't have even said anything.

Yeah. I do. Wanna stay for dinner.

That would be lovely.

I can't wait to see what you cook.

Y'know what? I...

I'm gonna cook you

the best meal of your life

and you're gonna feel really bad about being so mean right now.

- Mmm! Fucker! - Ow!

I like you!

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today we'll be talking about perfect first-aid kits.

You never what you'll need during a crisis.

Hi!

Stephanie, thank God you picked up.

Hey, I just have a little emergency.

Oh, really? Um, that's a coincidence, I was just...

I-I need your help.

Uh, are you okay?

I'm fine, but I-I do need

just a-a simple favor.

Can you grab Nicky from school? Sean's in London.

His mother broke her fuckin' hip

and I got a big fire to put out at work.

Oh, yeah! Oh, my God. Poor Sean.

Poor you, um...

Anything I can do to help, yeah.

You're the best. Hey, I gotta run.

But I'll get you back for this okay?

Of course. Nicky's in good hands.

Hey, Stephanie, you're a good person.

True fat, I mean that.

Don't worry about it. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Freeze! Do you know what I see?

I see two boys getting a playdate!

- Yay! - Yay!

Stephanie, it's so great you took the nanny job.

Nanny job?

Yeah, for Emily. I know she was looking for one.

Well, that...

Um, we're just friends.

I'm helping her as a friend.

Oh, God. I'm so-I'm so sorry. I didn't,

I didn't realize you guys were so close.

Well, we are!

We drink martinis together.

Strong ones from London.

Okay, boys, if you don't wrestle in the car,

I'm gonna make you for brats! Let's go!

- Go! - Yay!

She doesn't know she's working for free.

♪ A little bit of Jessica here I am ♪

♪ A little bit of you makes me your man ♪

♪ Rah! ♪

This is Emily Nelson, Director of Public Relations

for Dennis Nylon Holdings.

Leave a message or go fuck yourself.

Hey, uh, Em, it's Stephanie.

Um, I know you're probably knee-deep in that crisis.

Um, but Nicky's asking when you're coming to get him

and I don't know what to say, so.

Just let me know.

And I hope you're hanging in there.

Give 'em heck.

Stephanie Smothers, I'm a close friend of hers.

I'm watching her son.

Can you just tell me where she is?

When she might me back?

Yeah, she's in

Miami for a few days. Uh, did you wanna leave a message?

I'm s-I'm sorry, did you say a few days?

Yeah, could you hold on for a second, please?

She didn't say it was gonna be a few...

Oh, for the love of Job.

Oh!

- Yes? - Sean! Hi.

Um, it's Stephanie. I'm so sorry to bother you.

I got your number from

- the school directory. - Has something happened to Nicky?

No, uh, Nicky's

fine. He's...

Yeah, sorry, he's fine. He's here with me.

Um, Emily though asked me to watch him and...

that was two days ago

and I haven't heard from her. Have you,

have you guys been in touch?

Christ, two days?

What'd she tell you?

Um, she said she had to put out a big fire.

And I called her office and they said she was in Miami?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I mean, I've played through some of these emergencies

before and once she knows Nicky's being taken care of,

she disappears for

quite some time.

Oh, fun! Um...

I'm flying back tomorrow.

I'll pick up Nicky as soon as I'm on the ground.

Alrighty?

Alrighty.

Ah.

Miss Canterbury Tales.

Um, her assistant Valerie said that

she couldn't get in touch with her either,

which is weird 'cause it's a work thing, uh, an emergency.

Some of the moms think we should go to the police.

Jesus, it's really come to this.

Do you want tea?

Well, let's do it.

Not the tea, the police.

- Sean? - Yeah.

The police are here.

Okay.

And when was the last time either of you heard from her?

Three days ago.

I was in London. My mother broke her hip.

- Sorry to hear that. - Thank you.

She said it was a work crisis?

Yeah, she has a high-profile job and

a full staff that she oversees.

Most times, when a woman vanishes, she has a reason.

What are you implying exactly?

You two didn't have a fight?

Something to make you run off to London?

Are you saying that I broke my mother's hip?

You leave town, the wife takes off.

Maybe there's um...

close friend she might be spending some time with?

Excuse me, that's very rude.

He's a dedicated husband and father.

I've seen him with his wife. Let me tell you,

they've got more chemistry than a science fair.

Just exploring all avenues, ma'am.

Well, that avenue's a dead end, so you can drop it.

And where's Emily's family?

Um, she doesn't have any.

She was and only child and

her mother and father died when she was a teenager.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that.

We'll file a missing persons report

and contact you in the next couple of days.

If she doesn't turn up,

we'll contact the local authorities in Miami.

Not planning any more trips, are you, Mr. Townsend?

Nah, I'm gonna be right here.

I'm gonna be at my house with my son.

We can show ourselves out.

God knows we've had our troubles in the past.

But... I don't think she'll just up and leave her child.

No! God, she adores Nicky. She wouldn't do that.

She's an enigma, my wife.

It's what drew me to her.

It could also make her impossible.

She could be so fiercely private.

She sure doesn't like having her picture taken,

I'll tell you that.

I remember this one time she shut down my Facebook

because I posted up her family picture.

Ugh, social media's so tricky.

You can get close to her,

but you can never quite reach her.

She's like a beautiful ghost.

Never entirely there.

That's so poetic, you know.

That's why you're such a good writer.

I'm not a writer anymore, Stephanie.

I gave all that up just to chase this woman for the rest of my life.

I should call for a taxi and go home.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh, it's 1:25.

They stop driving at 1:00 here.

That couch pulls out

um, if you want to stay over.

I know Nicky would love it if you were here in the morning.

That would be lovely.

Who wants more B vitamins?

- I do! - Yeah?

- That nice? - Yeah.

Yeah? Delicious?

- Hi. - Hey.

Um, what on earth are you making?

These are hangover smoothies.

They'll get it right out of you.

And kids love them.

An old tip.

They have a full portion of vegetables

and they don't even know it.

It's so hard to get kids to eat their vegetables.

Right?

Mmm.

Try some?

Great!

Good?

I think we should get ready for school.

Ugh!

Oh, school, school.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today, I'm making a new recipe I read

for a hangover smoothie.

Uh, it's really nice.

I especially want to thank everybody who's written in

to ask about Emily.

It's been four days now.

So.

The good news is that Sean is home from London.

And he's working very closely with the police.

Um...

Actually...

Moms,

I know a lot of you are hung up on the idea

that the husband is always the primary suspect.

I know. I've seen Law & Order.

But um...

I mean, first, I'm here to tell you

Sean was in London when Emily disappeared.

And some of you have suggested that

he did that to set up an alibi.

But he's an amazing husband and an amazing father.

So, the police haven't been much help.

But everyone knows, if you want something done right,

you have to do it yourself.

I will leave no stone unturned.

Think that's what I'm gonna move on.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Thanks for holding. How may I direct your call?

Hi, uh, my name's Stephanie...

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

My friend works here, she's been miss...

Thanks for holding. How may I direct your call?

She... uh, I tried to call her assistant...

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Valerie, she wasn't super help...

Thanks for holding. How may I direct your call?

I can't tell if you're talking to me.

You're looking right at me, but I can't...

- Dennis Nylon... please hold. - Okay.

Thanks for holding. How may I direct your call?

Her name's Emily Nelson.

She's the head of the PR department.

Emily's not in today.

I know she-I know she's not in. She's...

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Okay, just...

Sorry. No. I'm not sorry.

Um, I...

need to speak to Dennis Nylon, please.

A woman's missing, so.

Mr. Nylon's not here right now.

Great, I'll wait.

Knock yourself out.

Okay.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Um, Mr. Nylon.

We don't accept unsolicited résumés.

Cool. That's not why I'm here. Um, we have a problem.

We most certainly do.

A friend of mine works in your publicity department.

Is that vintage Aramis scarf?

My Aunt Frieda gave it to me.

Did she want you to hang yourself with it? Look at that knot.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm here about Emily Nelson.

What about Emily? What happened?

She asked me to pick up her son four days ago

because she went to Miami. She's still not back.

No texts, no calls and no one in your office seems to give a crap.

Excuse my language.

- Kiko... - Hmm?

Why did Emily go to Miami?

I didn't know she did.

We in this office have learned that

when Emily elects not to tell us something,

it's best not to ask.

Doesn't she work for you?

Emily's job is to stop the apocalypse

without worrying any of the designers.

And she always finds a way to look fabulous when she does it.

That's great!

What do you suggest that I do?

Never wear a vintage Aramis scarf with a Gap t-shirt.

If you were truly Emily's friend, you would know that.

Excuse me, I have a very busy day.

Valerie. My office. Now.

Motherfuck.

Well, if it isn't Aunt Frieda's least favorite niece.

What were you doing up there?

Corporate spying or just a common garden shoplifter?

Yeah, you gotta go right at 'em.

Especially the powerful ones

or they will fuck you in the face.

Listen, you bargain basement Tom Ford.

If you don't have this Ken doll unhand me this second,

I will tell the thousands of moms that watch my vlog

that Dennis Nylon is a bully who victimizes women.

And that they should stop buying your tacky blouses

made by Indonesian children

because if you lose moms, you lose business.

Okay, number one: they're not Indonesian children,

they are Vietnamese teenagers.

Number two: Tom Ford wishes he were me.

And number three: if I'm tacky...

okay...

you're...

This has been fun.

Better pray I don't have a bruise.

I know she doesn't like having her picture taken.

Look at our little Stephanie.

Comforting the worried husband.

Oh, please.

It's an arts and crafts project.

I've never seen her pass up the chance to use a stapler.

Emily's gonna hate those flyers when she gets back.

She's not coming back.

Don't you watch Dateline?

If the case isn't solved in the first 72 hours,

they're always dead.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, perfect timing.

Dinner's ready.

The boys are upstairs, I'm just gonna have them

wash their hands and come down...

Um...

Are you okay?

I just never experienced anything like this.

Walking into a fully set dinner table.

Yeah, uh, this is...

- weird, I mean... - No, no, no, no.

Not at all.

I think anything

stable these days is like a gift from heaven, right?

I should tidy up first, though.

- Hello, Mr. Townsend. - Ah, yes.

Detective Summerville, we spoke on the phone.

That's right.

Stephanie, can you help the boys with their homework?

Of course.

Come in.

Just a pre-dinner

snack.

That's a cute nanny.

No, no, that's one of my wife's friends.

She's been helping me out.

Well, shit, can she help out around my house, too?

She wasn't on any flights to Miami.

But she did rent a white Kia from Budget.

She paid in cash for a two-day rental.

Now, when people pay in cash,

it usually means one thing.

Are you saying she's having an affair?

I can't say that with any confidence.

Can't anyone else track her Kia?

I'll have reports coming in from across the country.

So, let's just not spark an outbreak.

We gave the description of your wife to every precinct

in the tri-state area, okay?

Does she have any distinguishing features?

Have any birthmarks, tattoos?

She's got a tattoo on her left wrist.

Great.

Flames and a charity symbol in the middle.

Really?

- More judgment from you. - No, no, no.

She did things like that.

Impulsive, crazy things.

I'm gonna call this in.

Tell your wife's friend I said goodbye.

You're a saint.

You don't have to do that.

I'm not a saint, I just like to keep my hands busy.

Um, I should go.

It's Flags of the World Day on Monday.

Started on South America.

Sorry.

No, I didn't mean sorry, I mean, thank you.

Thank you for being such a good friend.

Of course.

I'm a problem solver. I just wish I could do more.

You're doing plenty.

So that's where we are today.

And we are keeping our heads up

and not jumping to any conclusions.

We are soldiering on.

Cookies and origami.

But for you moms who want to help,

we know that Emily was driving a white Kia.

that she rented from a Budget

uh, at LaGuardia airport on the 24th.

And I did a little digging, so, um, the license plate is...

Dear Stephanie, I'm writing from Standish, Michigan

with a possible Emily sighting.

I was driving down I-75 two days ago

when I saw a woman gassing up a white Kia.

She was really pretty and I remember thinking

she didn't look like she was from around here.

I hope this help...

So, um,

several of us sent the info to the local authorities in Michigan.

Did she ever mention Michigan? Did she have a friend there?

As far as I knew, she didn't have any real friends.

- Not before you. - Oh.

I, uh, how is that possible?

Hello? Please tell me you found her.

A lake?

Well, I... I don't know.

Okay, I'm heading there now.

They found a rental car in Michigan.

Look, I'm gonna have to go

'cause otherwise, I'm gonna go crazy.

- Can you do me a favor? - Yes, it's done. Go.

Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

I can see we have a flood of new viewers today.

And if you're new to the vlog,

I'm sorry, this probably isn't the best entry to start with.

For those of you who have been following my vlog this week,

you know that my best friend, Emily went missing.

And so many of you wrote in with your helpful tips and ideas.

And I want to

give a special thanks to LeAnn Lippins

whose helpful tip made a major break in the case.

I... have some somber news.

Emily was found.

Not alive, I'm afraid.

My friend Emily... Nelson

is dead.

Our Father,

We look to you again facing this moment...

that our sorrow, grief,

and loneliness

will rise up to Yourself

that we may know the comfort of everlasting life.

Especially support and comfort those

who have been closest to our departed sister.

Sustain them in the blessed assurance

that death is conquered and new life has begun.

To be absent from the body

is to be present with the Lord.

May we be assured in the hope

that we shall walk together again

in Your blessed presence.

Help us to number our days that we may

apply our hearts unto wisdom.

In the name of the Father,

and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Are those, um...?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are.

Uh, Th-they're from your uh,

'Last-minute Brownie' entry.

I can't believe you watch my vlog.

Uh, well, I mean, to be honest,

when we were first started watching it, we were just

making fun of you, but um,

uh, but-but then you had some really helpful hints in there.

Especially when Lulu got that rash...

- Apple cider vinegar, it was great. - Oh!

Well, great.

Yeah.

You're a real saint to help her family out like this.

I'm not a saint, I'm...

Emily was my friend and she'd do the same for me, so.

If-If you or Sean need me to watch Miles or Nicky anytime,

it's nothing.

That's so sweet, Sona, thank you.

I mean, it's the least she could do. She didn't even bake anything.

- I'm gonna... Okay. Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.

Nicky, you don't need to worry.

Your mom's in heaven now.

No, she's not! Shut up!

You need to run from me. You're never coming back.

You're hurting me!

- I hate you! - Stop it!

Nicky, get off him!

Nicky, what are you doing?!

Get off him. What the hell are you doing?!

Calm down. Stop that.

She needs to stop, she made my mom die!

That's crazy and you know that.

She's trying to be my new mom!

Sweetie, I'm not trying to be your mom.

I want my mom!

I know you do, baby, I know you do. But I'm...

Mom was right. You are a loser.

Is that what she told you, drunk at 2:00 in the afternoon?

I am trying my best!

Sean!

He's just a little boy, Jesus.

I'm sorry.

What do I do?

- Okay. - What do I do?

We're gonna take a deep, centering breath now, all right?

Now focus on one thing at a time.

I'm gonna stay, talk to Nicky.

So, I need you to take Miles inside

put some ice on his nose.

You got a good little shiner comin'.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I don't wanna talk to you.

Well...

You're not my favorite dinner date right now either, mister.

But you should know that

everything you're feeling right now is normal.

You can act out all you want, that's fine.

This doesn't change what I know.

What do you know?

That you're a good kid.

So, let's just sit here and not talk.

Let's just sit here and

feel lousy and watch the grass grow.

Hey.

Hey, come on.

Don't be hard on yourself, all right?

This is the kind of stuff nobody gets right.

You do.

- You always do. - No, no, come on.

I don't know if...

Yeah.

You're right, we... shouldn't.

♪ So don't forget me ♪

♪ When my clothes peel ♪

♪ Under my skin ♪

♪ I save my breath ♪

♪ And go under my skin ♪

♪ We've had better days ♪

♪ I've been sitting pretty here my friend ♪

♪ Sitting pretty looking at you ♪

♪ You're a part of every word I say ♪

♪ When I come speak un... ♪

Oh!

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Vous avez lu l'histoire De Jesse James ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Comment il vécu ♪

♪ Comment il est Mort ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Ça vous a plus hein ♪

♪ Vous en demandez encore ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Et bien ♪

♪ Écoutez l'histoire ♪

♪ De Bonnie and Clyde ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Alors voilà ♪

♪ Clyde a une petite Amie ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Elle est belle et son prénom C'est Bonnie ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ À eux deux ils forment Le gang Barrow ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Leurs noms Bonnie Parker et Clyde Barrow ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Bonnie and Clyde ♪

♪ Bonnie and Clyde ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Moi lorsque j'ai connu Clyde Autrefois ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ C'était un gars loyal Honnête et droit ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Il faut croire Que c'est la société ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Qui m'a définitivement abîmé ♪

♪ Bonnie and Clyde ♪

♪ Bonnie and Clyde ♪

Serious?!

♪ Woo ♪

Hey, Miss Smothers!

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, I'm...

come right down.

Shit!

- Hi! Hi. - Hey. Hey.

- So... - Uh, I just left something here,

so I was just, I uh, had a key

'cause earlier, Sean gave me a key.

You're not under arrest, Miss Smothers.

- Oh! - Just FYI.

I know I'm not.

- Uh! No. - No, no, I uh...

- You're very funny. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...

Sean's not here right now.

You know, I was actually hoping to speak to you.

Oh.

Yeah, I went by your house,

and then went by the school,

and then one of the moms thought you might be here.

- Did they? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

Well, that's...

Was it Stacy?

Can I come in?

Of course, I would love that.

Entrez vous.

You said that uh, Emily's your best friend.

Uh, yes.

Yes, we are.

Was she depressed?

No.

No, she had everything.

She had the house and the job.

And the husband.

I was getting there, yeah.

Oh, and the neighbors say they fought a lot.

Well, they had issues, um...

They loved each other intensely.

What issues did they have?

They're normal issues. They were stressed about money.

And I think Emily wanted to slow down and smell the roses.

She slowed down, all right.

I got the autopsy report right here.

Let's see here...

Severe liver damage suggesting heavy alcohol use.

Track marks along her arms and between her toes.

I mean, were you aware of the heroin use?

No. That's uh... I'm...

I'm sorry, I... really have trouble believing that.

- Me too. - She...

She liked a very strong martini, but...

I don't know how shh...she could have kept that a secret from me.

And especially from her husband, Sean.

Yeah, but you seem to know Sean pretty well.

I have, we've gotten to know each other

uh, over the... last few weeks

just as friends.

Uh-huh.

I'm guessing you've never dealt with law enforcement before.

- Not really, no. - Hmm.

That's a really nice dress.

Oh. Thank you.

Doesn't seem to be your style, though.

Oh, I'm very versatile... Detective. I think you'll find.

I'm really just trying to...

help Sean and Nicky in their time of grief.

Oh, and how is Sean's grief?

He's... He's holding up very well.

As-As well as can be expected.

Uh-huh.

Is that... everything or?

Let me ask you somethin'.

Uh, were you aware that he took out an extra

$4 million life insurance policy on Emily

before she disappeared?

I was not...

aware of that, no. I'm, I'm... Why, how would I...?

Okay.

All right.

Yeah. I don't...

I'm sorry, I wouldn't...

What are you...

Are you saying he had her rubbed out?

He hired a hit man?

I didn't say anything about him hiring a hit man.

You just did.

Okay, I...

can see that you're enjoying yourself, Detective Summerville.

But if you wanna grill someone,

you should really speak to Emily's boss, Dennis Nylon.

He could not be more suspicious.

That's super interesting because he contacted us.

And he said he thought you knew more than you were letting on.

Well, he is...

He sucks.

So.

As long as you're honest with me, Miss Smothers,

I swear to you,

you have nothing to worry about, okay?

I'm just following breadcrumbs wherever they lead.

Okay, you know what?

I'm done for now. Thanks for your time.

Um... your theory doesn't hold water, you know.

Well, 'cause it doesn't explain the...

the fake plane ticket or the rental car.

And why would someone shoot her full of heroin

over a summer camp in Michigan?

There's plenty of good heroin right here in Connecticut.

I'm told.

Great. Good. Okay, so we have a lot to talk about.

All right then, just relax.

The worst breadcrumbs I've ever heard of, you know.

Couldn't fill a Caesar salad with those breadcrumbs!

Why is this Caesarean salad so crunchy?

It's Caesar salad, baby,

and it's delicious.

What's in it?

Breadcrumbs.

Huh.

How was your day at work?

Grim.

I spent most of the day explaining the difference between

"your" possessive and

"you're" apostrophe r-e to college juniors.

I can see how that might drive a man over the edge.

I know, right?

What about you boys?

What'd you guys get up to today at school?

I saw my mom.

I understand, Nicky, that sometimes

we think we see people that we miss

even if they're gone.

No, I saw her.

She was right outside the fence by the kickball yard at recess.

Well, lots of people look like someone else.

Nobody looks like Mom.

She told me to say hi to Stephanie.

Nicky, this is unhealthy.

Miles saw her too. Right, Miles?

I think I did

but I don't know.

I was playing tetherball.

Did you two hatch this up?

Is this a game? Like when you smash everything with trucks?

'Cause you know what we say about lying.

I'm not lying! I saw her!

Fuck you!

Hey, Nicky.

Oopsy.

Sorry.

Don't I get a kiss goodnight?

Of course you do, sweetie.

Actually owe the oopsy jar a quarter for earlier but I...

Goodnight, sweetie.

Hey.

We should get naked.

What is it?

What's wrong?

I smell her, Sean. I smell her perfume.

It's all over Nicky like a ghost.

Probably got to a perfume bottle in the medicine cabinet.

He misses her.

And it's just you being paranoid.

Is it?

'Cause I found this, too.

What's this?

It's the friendship bracelet I made her.

Afraid to say she would not have kept this.

She hated stuff like this.

She probably gave it to him right after you gave it to her.

Unless he's telling the truth.

You saw her with your own eyes

in her coffin.

There was something off.

They found her out of the bottom of a lake.

You saw her tattoo,

and you saw that ring that she stole from my mother.

She said your mother wanted her to have that ring.

She said your mother insisted.

That's what she told you?

My father gave that ring to my mother.

It was like the only bit of jewelry that she ever owned.

I took Emily to London to meet my mother after we eloped.

It went missing that weekend.

My mother was frantic.

We searched everywhere.

Nothing. We didn't find a single thing.

My mother was devastated.

So we took a flight back to New York.

Guess what I found.

What did you find?

No!

No way!

My little Sherlock Holmes.

Mum is gonna be so relieved.

Oh, come on, baby.

Mum will take it to the grave, what a waste.

So pretty.

Excuse me.

Not amusing, my darling. Not in the slightest.

I'm not joking in the slightest,

my darling.

I took it. I don't have any intention of giving it back.

Of course, we're gonna give it back.

No.

Well, we'll tell her that

it just slipped into your purse by accident.

and we've only found it now.

But if you tell her that I found it,

then I have to tell her that I stole it.

And what do think will be worse for her?

Thinking that she lost her ring

or thinking that her son married a thief?

- Baby... - Hey.

You choose. Her or me.

Meet me in the bathroom in 20 seconds. Knock twice.

Nine months later, Nicky was born.

How could you stay with her?

I was spellbound.

She was the only woman I could never figure out fully.

I was a young, arrogant writer.

Could never live up to what she expected of me.

I was always looking over my shoulder.

I could hardly sleep.

But with you, it's different.

I sleep like a log.

That's what every woman wants to hear.

You know what I mean.

You understand me. You see me.

You've rebuilt me, Stephanie.

I've even started writing again.

First couple of chapters, but

it's a start.

Oh.

That's wonderful.

You took a broken man

and you pieced him back together again.

You're unlike any other woman I've ever met.

Move in with me.

Sean.

No. It's too soon. What will people think?

They're already thinking it.

And I'm tired of lying. I am tired of pretending.

I want to be this man.

The man I am with you.

I've had two threesomes.

I want to say that.

I'll just get that out in the open.

What are you talking about?

Your TA.

Emily told me about... your little moment.

- That's what she told you? - Yes.

Stephanie, listen...

Emily was a pathological liar.

That never happened.

Okay?

Why did you take out a $4 million insurance policy on her?

My gosh.

Those cops really did a number on you, didn't they?

I'm being serious.

It was because of you.

When Emily found out that

you were living off your husband's insurance money,

she thought she and I needed to get policies out

for Nicky's sake.

It was probably the most responsible thing we ever did.

Thanks to you.

Move in with me.

We can start a whole new, wonderful life together,

just you and me and the boys.

Please, say yes!

I love you, Stephanie Smothers.

I love you, too.

♪ Le monde entier ♪

♪ Est un cactus ♪

♪ Il est impossible de s'assoir ♪

♪ Dans la vie, il y a qu'des cactus ♪

♪ Moi je me pique de le savoir ♪

♪ Aïe aïe aïe! ♪

♪ Ouille! ♪

♪ Aïe aïe aïe! ♪

♪ Dans leurs coeurs, il y a des cactus ♪

♪ Dans leurs portefeuilles, il y a des cactus ♪

♪ Sous leurs pieds, il y a des cactus ♪

♪ Dans leurs gilets, il y a des cactus ♪

♪ Aïe aïe aïe! ♪

♪ Ouille ouille ouille! ♪

♪ Aïe! ♪

♪ Pour me défendre de leurs cactus ♪

♪ Aïe aïe aïe! ♪

♪ Ouille! ♪

♪ Aïe aïe aïe! ♪

Hi, moms.

Stephanie here.

I'm gonna do something a little different today.

I normally avoid any talk of religion on the vlog.

I don't want to offend any non-denominational moms.

But I do think that we live on after we die. So.

Emily,

if you're out there,

and you can hear me right now,

no one could ever replace you.

And you'll always be Nicky's mom.

I can't take your place.

I can...

just try to love the people that you love

and try to make their lives better.

I think that's what you would want.

Okay, guys, it's getting too rough back there.

I murdered you!

Not me. I came back to life.

Like your mom.

Okay! The dolls a going in your backpack

or they're going in the trash. I mean it.

Mom, they're not dolls! God!

Stephanie, my mom told me to give you this.

Mom!

Damn, are you trying to kill us?!

Hello?

Hi! I'm calling from United Timeshare International.

Yup.

We'd like to offer you a free trip to the Bahamas.

- All you have to do is - I don't...

come down to one of our

I don't want that. I'm so... I, I...

Have a nice day. I don't want that. I don't care.

Oh, my God.

Hi, I'm sure you have a job to do.

I don't need a free trip...

Hi.

Brother fucker.

Emily?

No, no, no. Emily's dead.

Oh, have you forgotten already?

Where are you?

I'm in heaven watching over you.

Nice blouse, by the way.

Why are you doing this?

How do you know it's just me doing it?

Hey, hey, hey...

kiss Sean for me

four million times.

Oh, hey.

Are you trying to Diabolique me?

What are you talking about?

Diabolique, you know, the, the,

the French movie about the guy

whose wife and mistress.. they're trying to kill him...

but I don't have a $4 million insurance policy...

- Stephanie... - If you and Emily

- are in some kind of plan, - Stephanie, relax.

- please just call it off. - Stephanie.

I'm really not the one.

Just breathe, please.

Nicky's getting to you. Emily is dead.

She called me.

What?

She called me today.

I have a friend in the psychology department,

I'll give him a call...

Hey, handsome, you got time...?

I... am sorry.

I didn't know you were in a meeting.

Beth, this is Stephanie.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, I was just wondering if you needed to use the smart board

'cause it's broken.

I can live without it.

Okay.

Right.

She seems nice.

Stephanie, go home.

Emily had some Xanax in the medicine cabinet. Take one.

Take two.

Yeah.

Maybe she had some heroin lying around, hmm?

This is all just grief.

Just stages of grief.

I'm sorry. You're right, I...

I'm so overwhelmed and I...

I'm so sorry.

Oh, baby, you just need someone to love you.

I have you.

I could use a good friend.

Come on, don't you miss sex?

Having men fuck you on top of a washing machine?

I barely remember what it's like.

Why are you being such a masochist?

You can have a man in your bed any time you want.

I had a man. I ruined that, so.

What does that mean?

Come on, what does that mean?

Nah.

If you can't tell me, y-you can't tell anyone.

I'm your best friend.

My-My brother Chris? I don't...

Yeah, your brother.

You certainly don't act like it.

Sometimes it's more like you guys are lovers, right?

That's... disgusting. That's...

Is Miles mine or not?

Ah... Ah...

Oh, my God!

Are you hear... are you listening to yourself?

You sound ridiculous.

Yeah.

Davis?

Davis?

Where you going?

Da... where are you going? Davis?

Steph, it's all right, don't worry.

Just gonna go for drive, have a little talk, man to man.

No problem.

It's my fault.

I'm the reason they're both dead.

No.

Hey, don't do that.

People-People do terrible things for their own fucked up reasons.

That's on them, that's not on you.

I miss him.

Which one?

Both.

I'm... lonely.

I think loneliness probably kills more people than cancer.

Hey.

Come here.

Come here.

You're okay.

Wanna order a pizza?

God, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, 'cause of that? No, hey.

It's all good, baby.

It's all good, just another Tuesday.

♪ Me da iguá que estés ciego ♪

♪ No soy tu parienta ♪

♪ Fáci la cabeza te revientan ♪

♪ Se aplican sentencias ♪

♪ Mis andares influencian ♪

♪ Niñas con deportes lo hacen con elegancia ♪

♪ Yo tengo presencia ♪

♪ Destruyo mitos con un grito, grita mala ♪

♪ La pachanga Échale paciencia ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Dale fuerza ♪

♪ Dame fuerza ♪

♪ Dale fuerza ♪

Go away.

Diana Hyland?

Did you paint this?

Where on earth did you find it?

I should start by giving you some unfortunate news.

Emily is dead.

My condolences.

Who the fuck is Emily?

The girl in the painting.

Good.

Her name's not Emily. Her name's Claudia.

Rest in peace, asshole.

So, not a pleasant memory for you, then?

No, opposite. She was amazing.

I mean,

she was the best that I ever had.

I was selling paintings, you know.

It was the first time in my career that I had any buzz.

She walked into my gallery.

A real fucking muse just right out of thin air.

What happened?

She was all I could paint.

I memorized every inch of her body.

My dealer fuckin' hated it.

And the art critics fuckin' hated it.

They called me a knock-off dyke Mapplethorpe.

Anyway, I blew my whole career painting that con artist.

Now all I paint are these...

goddamn knives which are pretty good

but nobody wants to buy the shit.

What? They're so good. People are just jealous.

I haven't had a drink in 42 days.

Oh, don't...

Might as well celebrate.

Mm, well...

Cheers.

I gave her my heart and I gave her my soul.

I paid for her

to go to college.

I paid off her debts.

Did you ever see any heroin use?

No. No way. Her?

No she didn't touch it.

Shit.

She never let me paint her face except for this one.

I've never seen such a beautiful girl

want to be so invisible

or just completely vanish.

But you know what, it takes money to vanish.

And so she took everything that she could from me.

You know, I oughta paint you.

Beatific.

Like a-Like a fucking saint.

I get that a lot.

You should embrace it. People love saints.

Yeah.

After they're dead.

Okay, what do you know about her? How'd she die?

In a lake.

And heroin.

Well, you don't believe that or you wouldn't be here.

She didn't ever mention Michigan, did she?

That's the only thing that she ever left here.

She said she had it since she was a kid.

I warn you.

You go pokin' around in her past,

you're gonna find some shit that is terrifying.

She was not a normal person like you or me.

Sean, it's Stephanie.

I thought about what you said and

you're right.

These are just stages of grief.

This experience has been so stressful for both of us.

I'm gonna take a couple of days to myself.

I'll have Sona pick up the boys

and they can stay at her house tonight.

You should take some time too.

There's ham stew in the freezer. Five minutes in the microwave.

Lots of love.

We've been saving young souls going on 50 years now.

Not Bobby and me personally.

Well, it seems just perfect.

And my son's practically a porpoise,

so I know he's gonna love swimming in that pond.

Oh, that's Squaw Lake.

The kids all joke that it's holy water.

Any fish you pull out of there

is guaranteed to feed a multitude.

- Oh, that's so funny. - Yeah.

Um, have you guys got uh, any old photo albums

or a yearbook I could look at?

I always feel like there's no better review of a place

than the faces of the campers.

Oh, heck, yeah. We got a ton of them down in the basement.

You'll see nothin' but smiles.

Hope and Faith.

Hi, uh, I'm looking for the McLanden Foundation.

Is this Margaret McLanden?

Who's this?

Uh, yeah, hi there.

My name's Maryann Chelkowsky.

I'm the director of the Squaw Lake Bible Camp.

What do you want?

Well, we are putting together

the 50th anniversary edition of our camp gazette.

We're trying to track down some star alumni.

Are you any relation to Hope and Faith McLanden?

- Hello? - Bruce, it's that camp.

The girls must have done something again, and God...

The girls are long gone, Mrs. M,

you just go on back in your chair.

It's filthy in that roost...

Gotcha.

Take your time, Bruce.

Mrs. McLanden?

Hi, I'm Gloria from the cleaning service.

Who?

Didn't Bruce tell you? I'm supposed to clean the entire place

until you could eat a four-course meal off the floor.

Did I get the date...?

Shoot.

Start in my upstairs bathroom.

It's not lying if I'm actually cleaning.

Bruce, the fire's dying!

Bruce!

I couldn't help noticing that

lovely picture of your daughters.

Where...?

Where's Bruce?

- Bruce? - Oh, um...

Bruce had to go out, um.

So...

Your daughter Faith,

- she had some trouble, I gather. - Troubles.

Troubles would have been a vacation.

No, that child came straight from hell.

That's a very strong statement for a mother.

Are you a mother?

Yes.

I love every minute of it.

Aww.

Then you must have brain damage.

It's a thankless business.

And some children are just born rotten.

They don't need a parent.

They need an exorcist.

My husband understood that.

Just, oh, no, wait. Don't... Don't tell Bruce.

- No. - Bingo!

It's unseemly the way that man polices me.

Would you like some sherry?

Oh, no, thank you. You're very sweet.

Wait, that's...

That's not sherry, that's the gin.

Where's the sherry?

Must be behind the Sylvia Plath...

What ever happened to Faith?

Oh, everything, everything.

We spent so much money on her rehab.

Which helped her, it did...

helped take care of her. Get her...

off that stuff.

Whereas Hope's a born liar.

Terrible posture.

Mrs. McLanden, do you...

Do you know the person in this photograph?

That's Faith.

That's Faith!

Now, why you-why you... Did she send you?

No, I'm not even sure...

Are you the police?

No, I'm just asking.

I have told you people a thousand times.

My memory is not good anymore.

Will not stand up in court.

The night of that fire,

my husband and I were estranged.

We lived in separate wings of the house.

The-The fire that burned down the west wing?

Are you an insurance agent?

Yes.

Oh.

Oh, good.

Oh, good, good.

Bruce and I have been waiting for the insurance money.

Of course,

you assholes had that clause about arson.

- Right, arson, yeah. - Vultures!

Here's to being house poor.

You ain't supposed to be drinkin', Mrs. M.

Who're you?

Well! Uh, thank you so much for your time, Mrs. McLanden.

I will get you that

faux Givenchy suit in ivory and the

scarf in taupe.

I will put a rush on it!

Thank you for your order!

Where do you think you're goin'?

I wanted to order the navy blazer.

Extra large.

Great.

Hello.

What do you want, cupcake?

I'm looking for all the

Wayne County arson-related news items

for the last 20 years.

Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

I'm coming to you from Michigan.

Special on-the-road edition.

As many of you know,

I was struggling to find closure

surrounding the death of my best friend.

So I drove up to the lake where she drowned

to see if I could...

dredge something up.

Oh, shit.

Well, it turns out,

this is the site of many a canoe race

at the Squaw Lake Bible Camp.

I had to dig through a bunch of camp journals.

And I found... a photo of Emily

whose middle name is Claudia.

In't that pretty? I didn't know that.

You crazy fucking bitch.

It's like looking at an angel, isn't it, moms?

Brother fucker.

And it gave me the closure I needed.

I feel closer to Emily than I've ever felt.

Almost like a twin.

Emily, wherever you are,

I hope...

that you're listening.

You gotta have faith.

Brother fucker!

♪ I'm a street regulator ♪

♪ True playa hater ♪

♪ Get back down ♪

♪ Make yo' ass a MAC sprayer hater ♪

♪ Things that we need ♪

♪ Money, clothes, weed, indeed ♪

♪ Hot food, booze, essentials ♪

♪ Credentials ♪

♪ Code of the streets ♪

♪ Owners who creep ♪

♪ Slow when you sleep ♪

♪ Holding the heat ♪

♪ Put holes in your jeep ♪

♪ Respect the streets ♪

♪ It's the L-I L-F A-M Ah! E Ah! ♪

Mom's home.

Oh, smoochy-smooch.

Oh, my goodness, smooch! I missed you so much.

Mmm-mwah!

Where were you?

and why did we have to sleep at Hector's house?

He pees the bed!

Oh! Hector's the worst!

You couldn't stay with me, huh?

I thought we all needed a breather.

Now, I feel like a million bucks.

Maybe even four.

Hi, my name is Beth.

I'm calling on behalf of my boss, Sean Townsend,

about his wife, Emily Nelson's policy.

Number is CT-7602258001.

Can you tell me the name of the agent

who handles that account, please?

Dear Ms. Praeger,

My name is Bruce Hargrave

I'm writing to you about a case you're handling

for Emily Nelson, recently deceased.

I've been the caretaker of her family estate for many years.

What I have to say will sound crazy, but years ago,

my employer died in a house fire.

His teen daughters, Hope and Faith McLanden,

disappeared without a trace.

Hi, this is Sean Townsend,

I was meant to meet Billy Kane for lunch.

What do you mean?

You guys two days ago to organize this.

No, never mind.

I'll call him back.

Boo.

Oh, c'mon, you knew that, for sure.

We spent every anniversary here.

How could you not put it together?

Emily, why?

I have four million reasons why.

How could you do this to Nicky?

I did this for Nicky.

I hated that job. I never got to see him.

It's not like we could live off your faculty buffet

the rest of our lives, could we?

I grieved your death.

I understand.

Y-You're not alone.

They say that 90% of people who lose their spouse

end up sleeping with their spouse's best friend.

After their funeral, actually.

Really?

No, I just made the up, you fucking dick.

That's how you grieve?

Balls deep in my best friend?

You could've told me something.

Except you can't keep a secret even in the dark.

- Anything. - You almost ruined everything.

I had to lay low until the insurance money came through.

And so, why didn't you stay low, hmm?

Instead, you terrorized our son.

- I didn't terrorize him. - It made me think that

he had gone insane as well as Stephanie.

I missed him too much.

He's our little dude.

You know how much I love that kid.

Well, the clock is ticking now.

Nancy Drew knows too much.

If she fucks up my insurance money coming through,

I'm taking you down with me.

You're taking me down...

Well, of course, this was all your plan.

My plan?

I had nothing to do

- with it, you twisted, - Why are you playing dumb, now?

fucking psycho.

I don't know where...

What were you saying about me being a fucking psycho?

Do you love her?

No.

It was just sex.

Did you think of me while you were fucking her?

Yes.

Do you love me or not, baby?

Of course, I do.

She doesn't mean a thing to me.

Good.

Oh, my G...

Oh, sh... oh, shit, I forgot to load it.

Fuck. Oh, God.

Can you imagine if it was, though?

What a mess.

Emily, you're crazy.

Hey, it's pretty simple, you know?

It's your choice. Her or me.

It's not that hard.

Hey.

Stop it.

You love this.

Meet me in the bathroom in 20 seconds.

Knock twice.

Oh, Mr. Townsend.

Isabel Praeger, Addison First Insurance.

I'm investigating the death benefit claim for your late wife.

Sean...

Did you know that Emily had a twin?

No, but...

Well, I hate to even say this,

but it means the body in the lake could be

this sister.

It could explain the DNA match.

And if that's the case, then...

where is Emily?

Well, if my wife were still alive, she'd come home.

She'd want to see her son.

I'm not a cop

and I'm definitely no therapist.

I'm just an insurance guy.

But this is an incredibly interesting case.

This is just bananas, isn't it?

- Yeah. - I will say...

It's unusual

to live with someone as husband and wife

and not know that they have a twin.

She was a very private person.

Well, hey,

we all have our secrets.

But, as I'm sure you can understand,

with a payment of this size,

we'll have to continue this claims investigation.

- Of course. - And by law,

give all our findings to the authorities.

Of course, anything you need.

I just hope that my wife is still alive.

I want her back.

Okie-dokie, then.

Obviously, if you hear from her...

You'd be the first to know.

- Thank you so much. - Okay, thank you.

Thanks for the coffee.

Buh-bye, thank you so much again.

You knew that she had a twin.

Did I?

Why didn't you?

You knew and you didn't tell me.

Sean.

You sound crazy.

Uh...

Take a Xanax.

Take two.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today, we're talking about tombstone tributes.

I want to thank Helen, from Missoula, Montana

for the suggestions, for thinking outside the box.

You know,

it doesn't have to just be flowers anymore.

I think any

item that sparks a fond memory is-is perfect.

Now, Emily's favorite treat was

a dry gin martini in the late afternoon.

I'm gonna make a couple just like Emily used to.

Frozen gin.

Frozen glass.

Generous twist.

Gonna head out there a little later today.

Have a toast on her grave.

Nice big twist, I taught you well.

Student become the master?

Oh.

Waste of time.

Hey, give me that.

I don't know what tricks you have

up those new sleeves of yours.

You think I poisoned both drinks? That's not my style.

I don't even eat gluten.

- Want another? - Please.

First, tell me why you killed your father and sister.

Okay, why don't we first talk about your son's real father.

Oh, Emily, I hold all the cards here.

I want to know about your twin, Faith.

I'm not a twin.

Great, uh, I know that you are.

We were triplets.

Faith, Hope and Charity. Charity was stillborn.

Mom thought we offed her in the womb.

- Hmm. - Dad believed her.

She's quite a woman, your mother.

I had a nice afternoon with Mags.

You met my mother.

She likes her martinis even stronger than yours.

We had a little walk down memory lane.

She's a cold woman, Em.

I bet you couldn't do anything right in her eyes.

It was probably Faith's idea to set that fire.

Bet all the bad ideas were Faith's, weren't they?

- You don't know anything. - Sure, I do.

And I get it.

You're 16.

It's that age where you feel so trapped.

And if your mother always had a biting comment...

- Hey, it's over. Let's go. - Dad. Dad!

Dad! Don't touch me, Dad!

I'm guessing your father wasn't too much proud of it.

That's when you figured to hit the reset button, right?

Burn, baby, burn.

Why'd you leave each other?

Well, we couldn't stay together after the fire.

The cops were looking for the big blond arson twins.

We were a walking sideshow.

We, uh...

We had to say goodbye, so we-we did it with tattoos.

Flames, and a little something for Charity.

We split up in Corpus Christi.

She was gonna head south to Mexico.

I was gonna go north.

We set a time and place to meet after the smoke cleared.

But then, she never showed up.

I was worried sick.

I waited for days.

But nothin'.

You know, I thought maybe this was my opportunity

to do it on my own.

She was always gettin' me into trouble.

So I got a one-way ticket to New York

and never looked back.

- Did you miss her? - Of course, I missed her.

I wasn't whole without her.

But I didn't go on like that. I had to survive.

And it worked.

Yeah, my life in New York fell into place.

I got a job, worked my way up.

I met the perfect man.

Oh, you know that part, though.

Then your sister calls.

Fucking Facebook.

- You had to see her. - Yeah, of course, I did.

So you fabricate this trip to Miami.

Meet up at the old camp.

Yeah, bunk four. It was our happy place.

It's the only place we could escape our dad, really.

It must have been shocking to see her after all those years.

Yeah, it was like looking at a mirror.

Except it was a sick life she chose over me.

What'd she want?

Everything.

You just gonna stand there?

You gotta have faith.

I don't hear from you for 14 years, and now...

- Here you are. - I'm out of cash.

Shocking.

What the fuck d'you say?

Nothing...

Get away with it this time.

Okay, so, um, now what?

I don't know. I didn't know where to go.

When I called you, you act like a stranger.

You won't even let me come meet your family.

What am I supposed to say to that?

The truth.

Well, you may as well know, 'cause

I'm about to tell the cops.

You what?

I-I don't know what else to do.

I mean, I-I don't have anything,

so I don't really have anything to lose.

I'm gonna go tell 'em everything we did, and then, you know...

We'll go down together, we can be together.

I have a little boy now.

Yeah, I know, I saw that kid. He's super cute.

Cut the shit, okay? What do you want from me?

I want a million bucks.

How am I supposed to give you that?

You're rich and famous now.

I-I can't give you a million dollars.

You do seem highly motivated.

I don't know what it is, though.

Probably it's your job.

Probably uh, probably your kid.

Don't talk about Nicky.

Yeah, I'll...

I'll sell the house, I'll, um... I'll do whatever I need to do.

If I do this, you can't tell anyone ever,

do you understand?

Yeah, I get it.

I mean, I don't really get

the big deal about this you and me.

you could always just...

I get that, like a kid. You know that, right?

Can't remember hittin' my sister up.

It's fucking hot.

Come on, let's go swimming.

My ride's gonna be here soon.

- You coming? - Yeah.

I'm right behind you.

How'd you get her in the lake?

Fuck you, I didn't kill my sister.

It was her idea.

Come on, wimp.

What, I thought you were the alpha now?

No?

I am the alpha, God damn it.

You abandoned me.

We were supposed to be a team, you and me.

Remember?

Yeah, I know but we're a...

I was so totally in a jam, I was alone.

You were right.

I'm sorry, kid.

Me too.

I was so worried.

I woke up the next morning and I-I couldn't find her anywhere.

I never thought...

I never thought she'd do that, you know?

When I found her body in the lake, it was too late.

Lie.

You drowned her.

No, she killed herself.

I'm just all that's left of her.

No, you're a sister killer.

You're a brother fucker.

Ooh.

What does Sean know?

Everything.

It was his idea.

I didn't know what to do once I found the body, and...

And he said, "You know, maybe this is our opportunity.

"We could finally get out of debt.

"Leave the country.

"Spend more time with Nicky."

He convinced me we could pull it off.

You know, that her DNA would do the rest.

I don't believe you.

He grieved for you.

Oh, you believed that?

Aww, that was all an act.

You're a pathological liar.

Did Sean say that.

Well.

I'm just gonna play this to you, real quick.

Do you love her?

No. It was just sex.

Did you think of me when you were fucking her?

Yes.

Do you love me or not, baby?

Of course, I do.

She doesn't mean a thing to me.

I'm sorry, baby. I know you thought it was real.

But hey, I mean, look on the bright side.

Your website went viral, thanks to me.

All this for a little money?

A little four million dollars?

It's not exactly little, huh?

I was hiding out till that money came in.

He was just gonna tie up some loose ends.

Was I a loose end?

Well, he needed help with Nicky.

You're so good with those kids.

So, what happens now?

I just want my kid.

You fucked up my insurance plan.

Now the authorities won't back down on that.

You can have Sean, he's a piece of shit.

I don't even want him.

I don't want Sean.

I don't know, I got screwed.

There's another way, but...

So, one mother to another.

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qu'on laissera ♪

Sleeping like a log.

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qu'on laissera ♪

♪ Oui j'ai pleuré mais ce jour-là ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Je dirai c'est bien fait pour toi ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

Oh.

What's going on?

They have a warrant. I tried to call you.

Excuse me, I'm Sean Townsend.

Look, I'm happy to comply with anything you need,

but it would be nice to have a heads up.

This is an open investigation.

You don't get to pencil us in when it's convenient.

Hey!

Am I under arrest?

Oh, no, no, not yet. The D.A. wants to slide it back.

Well, that's gonna be pretty hard since I haven't done anything.

Did you know your wife was alive?

Not until recently.

When?

She contacted me.

And you immediately notified the authorities, right?

I can't discuss this without my attorney.

You know what? You really are a professor, aren't you?

Okay, we'll talk some.

Oh, uh, if we need to contact you,

will you be with your wife

or the best friend?

Somebody else?

I need a stiff drink. There were some...

I'm sorry, you can't come in.

What?

Where's Nicky?

He's upstairs playing.

You have to go.

What are you talking about?

This is an ongoing investigation, Sean.

Oh, fucks sake.

I can't let you in this house until this whole thing's been solved.

She's gotten to you, hasn't she?

This has nothing to do with Emily.

It's got everything to do with her.

She's gaslighting you.

You don't understand how powerful she is.

No, I don't understand anything right now.

Stephanie, don't do this.

Please don't make me call the police.

♪ I don't wanna have to lie ♪

♪ To everybody ♪

♪ About how I feel ♪

♪ I can't eat, can't sleep ♪

♪ I'm on my knees ♪

♪ Praying for a miracle ♪

♪ It's alright what you say ♪

♪ Like a knife ♪

♪ I know you like the taste ♪

Stephanie, please call me back.

I don't know what's going on or

how this is all going to turn out.

But you're a great mum.

And you taught be how to be a better dad.

For that, I'll always be grateful.

The truth is,

I don't think I ever knew my wife.

Or what she's capable of.

♪ I love you, I hate you ♪

♪ I have you, I lose you ♪

♪ I just want someone to love ♪

♪ I don't wanna have to lie ♪

♪ To everybody ♪

♪ I just want a light ♪

♪ I wanna smoke more cigarettes ♪

♪ You'd think that I like getting hurt ♪

♪ But I do ♪

♪ And I can't seem to help myself ♪

♪ I'm a big girl ♪

♪ But big girls get hurt too ♪

A shocking new development to the Emily Nelson case

which first went viral on a popular internet vlog.

The PR executive who was believed dead in Michigan

has resurfaced.

And it appears the body found in the lake

was that of Nelson's estranged twin sister.

Nelson's husband, Sean Townsend,

an abusive failed novelist and English professor

allegedly forced her to stage her own death

in order to collect a $4 million life insurance policy.

Nevertheless, bail for Mr. Townsend will be set today.

A British national, Townsend faces deportation if found guilty.

Although an accomplice to fraud,

Miss Nelson is complying with the authorities

in exchange for clemency.

Stephanie?

Where's Nicky?

Oh, he's at a friend's house watching a movie.

I figure we needed some mommy and daddy time.

Have you forgotten me already?

Impulse won't forget.

Thank you.

Oh, please, Sean. I'm not gonna poison you.

If I wanted to get rid or you, you'd already be dead.

You put those files in my computer.

Yes, I did.

But I did have help from a woman

who loves volunteering for everything.

Stephanie?

She's not as sweet as her snatch, is she?

Were you ever gonna tell me you had a twin sister?

Wasn't your business.

I'm your husband!

Oh, you've been fucking my best friend in my house

but now you're my husband?

Okay.

Then I should probably tell you that we were triplets.

Details.

Hi, moms!

Stephanie here.

I wanna thank you for all the support you've been sending me.

Means so much.

Um...

You know, as shocked as you guys are

about these turns of events,

I can assure you

nobody is more stunned than me.

Emily had her secrets, so did her husband.

Clearly, I was the naive romantic caught in the middle.

I love you guys.

I always will.

I hope you can forgive me in advance for what I have to do.

Moms,

do everything yourself.

Stephanie.

You shouldn't be here right now.

I used to live here.

Remember?

Don't make this any harder...

Don't move.

Stephanie, please.

You don't even let the boys play with squirt guns.

That was before you told me you loved me

and it turned out you were laughing at me behind my back.

Stephanie, I wish you'd have the courage.

You used me.

You used me, too.

You had me making you dinner.

Watching your kid

and sucking your dick.

I had no idea that she was still alive.

Stop lying.

Okay, guys.

I think we should just sit down and talk this out.

Emily, you sit down.

You hated Stephanie.

Used to watch her vlog and rip her apart.

All I wanted was to be her friend.

You were.

And then you fucked my husband and my insurance plan.

Don't blame her!

This is so typical of you.

Sean, I was just trying to get us out of crushing fucking debt.

Oh, yeah, maybe if you had the good sense to give me a call,

I could've helped you with this little plot of yours.

Ugh, you haven't come up with a decent plot in ten years.

Really? Right now?

Can I say something as the lady with the gun?

Nicky deserves better than both of you.

Fuck you, I love my kid.

Shut up.

Stephanie, put down the gun.

You don't wanna do this.

I really do, though.

I loved you.

Loved you too.

I think this is the best thing.

Hold on.

You know, we can say he attacked us.

They'll believe us, you know.

No, no, no, no, you're not fucking serious.

You're not gonna kill him.

We're just gonna send him to jail.

J... Are you serious?

Jail's enough for you?

- You don't need to kill him. - Aren't you angry?

Don't you want revenge for your sister?

Yes, yes, but he didn't technically kill her.

Then who did?

'Cause I don't buy that it was an accident.

Screw this.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, fuck. - Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God, um...

Oh, my God!

Is he really dead?

Sean?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do I do? Do I...

Do you put pressure on it, or...?

Uh...

Do we call an ambulance?

Do we just let him die?

I mean, he deserved it, right?

No, I killed her.

I killed my sister.

What?

Sean? Sean?

Get up.

Show's over, come on.

Seriously? Come on. Get the fuck up.

Hey, you too, Brando.

Get up!

Fuck!

Wow.

That was extra.

I mean, obviously, I knew you guys were up to something

when I saw both the mics

that you had the cops plant in here.

You clearly wanted a confession out of me

so you could clear Sean's name.

Well, that was...

that was a good way to go about it.

I mean, you really messed up, though, baby girl.

'cause thinking that I would confess to protect

that fucking yeast infection?

Really?

Come on, you gotta know better than that.

But then you came out all emotional with the gun

and that was...

that was convincing.

It was very cinematic.

How do you even know where to find this shit?

You're really amazing.

Thanks, that means a lot.

Mmm.

But you did confess, Emily.

Oh, yeah, um...

I did, but..

I cut these first, though

for our friendship bracelets.

One for you.

That is... disappointing.

Oh.

My God, look what I found.

Okay.

You can't shoot us, the police are outside.

No, they're not.

Hey, cops, Stephanie here.

Change of plans.

I'm meeting Emily and Sean at Darren's house now.

I'll see you there.

You sent them to Darren's house?

Virus.

String theory. String theory, isn't it?

Heads up! Get down!

I have a prescription for that!

I have ocular pressure!

Come on, I've been on the lam for ten years.

You think I don't know how to manipulate the system?

So you're gonna kill us?

Well, what the fuck else am I supposed to do?

You two will clearly go to extraordinary lengths

to take me down and you know too much.

So, I feel like a murder-suicide

is the only fitting end for you two.

And if you kill him, I think our insurance still covers that, right?

I mean, it's sort of perfect.

One door closes and another one opens.

Thank you for that.

You always have been fucking crazy, haven't you?

Have I?

Oh, shit, you're right.

Actually fucking-you actually fucking shot me!

I'm gonna miss him.

Your turn.

Emily, come on.

You're not gonna kill me.

Oh, yeah, I killed my dad and my sister

but I can never kill my husband-fucking best friend.

Am I really your best... friend?

You're not just saying that for, you know?

No, no, I'm not just saying that at all.

I get worried that it's just me.

I know, sometimes I worry about that too.

Yeah.

It's so hard to connect with other moms...

Not many have a full-time job, it's...

Okay, okay, don't pull that crap.

Being a mom is a full-time job. What I do is hard work.

And I have my vlog on top of that

and that's just getting bigger and bigger.

If you came on the vlog, that'd be so fun.

If you came on the vlog,

and confessed to killing your father and sister

and held me at gunpoint,

I could probably get a million subscribers.

Aww, that would have been great.

Why don't we do that right now?

Hmm?

We're live streaming. Did you not know that?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, that's so weird, I'm sorry, uh...

Wave hi to the moms!

Slick gadget.

Woop.

Yeah, they make nanny cams so small these days.

Brother fucker.

Emily!

Emily, stop!

Emily, you cant outrun this.

Don't do this to Nicky.

Come on, you're still his mom.

Yeah, I am.

But you sure as shit won't be.

America's hybrids.

Silent but deadly.

I saw you on the vlog.

You fuck with one of the moms,

you fuck with us all.

Oh, Emily.

Stop, Emily.

This looks super painful.

Now, sweetie...

Stop, you've just been hit by a car.

Don't, don't do this.

I'm getting worried about your knees right now.

Just relax.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry, urrh!

I'm still working on that.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

We have very exciting news today

because we signed up our one millionth subscriber,

Mrs. Carol Findley of Ames, Iowa!

Thank you for joining us, Carol.

You should know, as our newest friend,

that in addition to my usual helpful tips and recipes,

I now take on unsolved mysteries.

'Cause it turns out

I have a nose for sniffing out

the freshest basil

and criminals who thought they got away with it.

So if you have a cold case

or a mystery that needs to be unraveled,

just drop me a line, that includes you now, Carol

'cause you're now part of the family.

For now...

we're gonna be talking about my favorite cold soup:

Gazpacho!

Which is normally gross

but we're not gonna make it gross, right, guys?

It's gonna be great.

♪ Les sites de boules, c'est comme la vraie vie ♪

♪ T'attrapes des virus ♪

♪ Quand j'étais p'tit, y avait pas d'Internet ♪

♪ On trainait dans les abribus ♪

♪ Fallait attendre dimanche soir ♪

♪ Pour voir des filles nues ♪

♪ Depuis j'me fais ouij' en moins d'cinq minutes avec E-mule ♪

♪ On trouvait jamais d'meufs, on trainait qu'entre testicules ♪

♪ Maintenant les gens s'regroupent dans les champs pour prendre des pilules ♪

♪ En boite la CC circule, les pédés gesticulent ♪

♪ Les particules sur les p'tits pulls c'est pas des pellicules ♪

♪ Putain, on dirait qu'ca suffit plus d'fumer des spliffs ♪

♪ Ma génération GameBoy sniffe plus de lignes qu'à Tetris ♪

♪ Depuis qu'on préfère les paquets d'clopes aux paquets d'chips ♪

♪ Le sports d'équipe partent en vrille ♪

♪ Y a des grizzlis à Memphis ♪

♪ Maintenant les radios s'torchent avec la playlist ♪

♪ Maintenant faut passer sous l'bureau ♪

♪ Pour qu'on passe tes disques ♪

♪ Plus la carotte est grosse ♪

♪ Plus l'auditeur écarte les cuisses ♪

♪ Le top albums 2006 c'est la banane d'Elvis ♪

♪ Les vieux comprennent pas ♪

♪ C'qu'il s'passe dans la tete des jeunes ♪

Aha! In your ass!

♪ Ils comprennent pas à quel point on est felés ♪

♪ Ils connaissent pas l'rap, les portables, le shit, la Despe ♪

♪ Un deux trois ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qu'on laissera ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qui pleureras ♪

♪ Oui j'ai pleuré mais ce jour-là ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Je dirai c'est bien fait pour toi ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Ça te jouera un mauvais tour ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Tu le paieras un de ces jours ♪

♪ On ne joue pas impunément ♪

♪ Avec un cœur innocent ♪

♪ Avec un cœur innocent ♪

♪ Tu verras ce que je ressens ♪

♪ Avant qu'il ne soit longtemps ♪

♪ Avant qu'il ne soit longtemps ♪

♪ La chance abandonne ♪

♪ Celui qui ne sait ♪

♪ Que laisser les cœurs blessés ♪

♪ Tu n'auras personne ♪

♪ Pour te consoler ♪

♪ Tu ne l'auras pas volé ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ Oui j'ai pleuré mais ce jour-là ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪

♪ Je dirai c'est bien fait pour toi ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪

♪ La chance abandonne ♪

♪ Celui qui ne sait ♪

♪ Que laisser les cœurs blessés ♪

♪ Tu n'auras personne ♪

♪ Pour te consoler ♪

♪ Tu ne l'auras pas volé ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qu'on laissera ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪

♪ Un jour c'est toi qui pleureras ♪

♪ On ne joue pas impunément ♪

♪ Avec un cœur innocent ♪

♪ Avec un cœur innocent ♪

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