Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:14,950
MALL SANTA: Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll
definitely be getting you that bicycle.
2
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:19,330
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.
3
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:21,665
All right. Merry Christmas!
4
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,417
- Who's next?
- Santa!
5
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,170
Kumar, no! Merry...
6
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:27,963
WOMAN:
Back of the line, tech support!
7
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,965
- Is this a joke?
KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.
8
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,760
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.
9
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,220
[ALL GASP]
10
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,932
- What do you want for Christmas?
KUMAR: That's a really good question.
11
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,683
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
- Done.
12
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:40,935
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.
13
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,478
Wu-Tang to get back together.
14
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,021
I'll tell the elves.
15
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,815
This is just for my stockings.
16
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,108
- For my present...
- Hey!
17
00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,819
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?
18
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,029
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.
19
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:53,447
- Ooh. Bong.
- Oh!
20
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,826
Right in the sugar plums.
21
00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,830
Okay. On the menu today, we have:
22
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:02,623
Winter Wonder Weed.
23
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,960
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
24
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,378
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.
25
00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,839
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?
26
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,715
Hey, some people like the holidays.
27
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:15,803
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.
28
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,139
KUMAR:
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."
29
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:19,557
A little more expensive.
30
00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:22,351
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.
31
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,019
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.
32
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,521
KUMAR:
Mm.
33
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:26,897
- Shit.
- What?
34
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,732
You have anything to smoke out of?
35
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,239
[COUGHS]
36
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,274
PROTESTERS [CHANTING]:
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
37
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:13,444
Wall Street sucks!
Wall Street sucks!
38
00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:15,279
KENNETH:
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.
39
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:19,450
Wait...
40
00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:20,826
...more protesters?
41
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,954
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?
42
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,289
Kenneth, it's Christmas.
43
00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:27,917
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.
44
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,960
Let's see how you did
on your assignment.
45
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:33,380
I think I found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.
46
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,342
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.
47
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:38,761
Ow.
48
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,596
Oh, my God.
49
00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:41,430
Hi.
50
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:43,057
This is a Sharp...
51
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,309
...52" Aquos Quattron TV...
52
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:48,103
...with state-of-the-art 3D technology...
53
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,314
...that makes Avatar
look Avatar-ded.
54
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:53,317
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?
55
00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:54,985
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.
56
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,987
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.
57
00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,864
It's gonna be amazing!
58
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,618
Who are you looking at?
59
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:08,958
Mr. Lee!
60
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:10,793
Want me to call you a cab...
61
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,795
...a town car, a limo? It's not safe...
62
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,797
...out there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.
63
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,840
I got a buddy picking me up.
64
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,969
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...
65
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,595
...Harold, and Happy New Year!
66
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:22,638
Hey, over there.
67
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:23,764
We got another one.
68
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,517
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.
69
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,185
Hey...
70
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,021
...angry protesters!
I just got a huge Christmas bonus...
71
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,107
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...
72
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:33,983
...dick!
73
00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,161
[YELLS]
74
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:47,705
Get him!
75
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:48,706
[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]
76
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:55,337
[GRUNTING]
77
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,720
[SCREAMING]
78
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:10,936
[WHIMPERING]
79
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:21,196
HAROLD:
Dude!
80
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,698
Open the door!
81
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,658
Unh. Thank God you're here.
82
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:27,453
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.
83
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,664
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!
84
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,207
Just drive. Todd, drive.
85
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,336
No, no, no! No, no, no!
86
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,045
Oh, great.
87
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,588
Now we're getting tinkled on.
88
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:39,757
- It's just urine. It'll wash out.
- Oh, Harry.
89
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:42,343
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...
90
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,094
...that has ever happened to me.
91
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,097
Ugh.
92
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,224
[RETCHES]
93
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:57,066
It smells like shit in here.
94
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:08,744
Hey...
95
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,412
...neighbor.
- Hey, man.
96
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,789
What's up? What are you...?
97
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,792
You're here a little early.
You didn't go to the bathroom?
98
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,001
No, Why?
99
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,211
[TOILET FLUSHES]
100
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:18,504
I made a mess.
101
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,089
ADRIAN:
Right. Don't talk about it.
102
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,465
What the hell's going on?
103
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,258
Relax. It's not what it looks like.
104
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:26,845
Unless it looks like I rent your bathroom
for homeless people to shit in.
105
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,347
Then it's what it looks like.
106
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,807
The fuck?
107
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,642
It's the coffee at the shelter.
108
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,102
It's powerful, man.
109
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,355
Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
110
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,190
Okay, next, please. Move.
111
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,441
No. Hey, no.
112
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,652
I was gonna
split the profits with you...
113
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,155
...which at a buck a dump,
comes out to be 40 bucks.
114
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,699
- I don't wa... Seriously, 40 bucks?
- Yeah.
115
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,786
Oh. That reminds me. Remember that chick
I met on the Internet?
116
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,872
- The one with the huge clit?
- No, not Clitzilla.
117
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:54,665
[GRUNTS]
118
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:58,085
- I'm talking about Mary.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.
119
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,504
Yes, exactly. Well, get this.
She wants me...
120
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:03,048
...to deflower her.
121
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:04,716
Tonight. Christmas Eve.
122
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:07,344
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:
123
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,471
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.
124
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,724
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise I won't get high.
125
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,184
Why not ask your roommate?
126
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,854
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.
127
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,023
I already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...
128
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,859
...with his stupid girlfriend.
129
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,987
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...
130
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,030
...then they get married...
131
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,116
...then you never hear from them again.
132
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,536
Fuck it, I'm in.
133
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:33,829
Yes.
134
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,540
TODD:
What are we doing here, Harry?
135
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,208
You know what Dr. Oz says?
136
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,918
Guys our age need to watch...
137
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,712
...our cholesterol.
- Yeah, I know.
138
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:45,549
I'm in for a really stressful weekend.
I just needed some comfort food.
139
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,886
Don't get too comfortable. Keep your
game face on for your father-in-law.
140
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,721
- Did you stock the fridge?
- I did.
141
00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:53,390
- With ethnic items that he might need?
- I did.
142
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,225
- Did you Pledge the banister?
- Check.
143
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,186
- Did you get the potpourri balls?
- Yes.
144
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,021
Letting him have the master bedroom?
145
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,606
No.
146
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,066
Harry. Unh! No, no, no.
147
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,735
Might have S'ed the bed on that.
148
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:07,029
You can curse in front of me.
Baby's not here.
149
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,739
I know. Force of habit. Just...
150
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,074
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
151
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,411
- That's a Mr. Pibb, Sprite,
Diet Coke suicide? MAN: Correct.
152
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,872
- There you go.
- Thank you, kind sir.
153
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,917
Oh, by the way,
you got shit all over your car.
154
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,587
Thank you for the update.
Don't appreciate the language.
155
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,756
Everybody's got a potty mouth
these days.
156
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,050
It is a G-D shame.
157
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,010
And they'll burn in H.
158
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:37,768
TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.
159
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,562
Well, Harry. Harry.
160
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,022
You have outdone yourself.
161
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,565
HAROLD:
If you knew Maria's dad...
162
00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,442
...you'd pull out all the stops too.
163
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,611
Has not accepted you
as part of the family?
164
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:51,823
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...
165
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,617
...all the work, he appreciates it.
166
00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:54,868
Oh, so smart.
167
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,703
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
168
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,247
Oh. Jinx.
169
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:01,333
You always do that.
You keep doing it. It's crazy.
170
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,794
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.
171
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,128
Or both.
172
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,006
Maria!
173
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,801
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's looking...
174
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,554
...uh, very merry today.
175
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,597
Somebody is also...
176
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,641
...ovulating.
177
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,434
Um...
178
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:23,647
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's...
179
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,650
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!
180
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,569
Because when they get here...
181
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,781
...we are going to have no private time.
182
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,408
I don't know if we should.
183
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,994
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.
184
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,204
Okay, I will.
185
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,581
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]
186
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,542
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
187
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,712
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.
188
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:48,839
[DOORBELL RINGS]
189
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,173
BOTH:
Shit.
190
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,177
Go. Go.
191
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:56,930
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
192
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,599
Be cool.
193
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,271
Carlos, Merry Christmas.
194
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,232
Hello, Harold.
195
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,485
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?
196
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,822
[GULPS]
197
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:15,866
Empanadas?
198
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,327
Where's Maria?
199
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,286
HAROLD:
She's upstairs...
200
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:20,787
getting read)'
201
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,205
Can I get you a beer?
202
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:23,582
What the hell is that?
203
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,712
HAROLD:
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.
204
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,297
This is our Christmas tree.
205
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:31,590
Is it fake?
206
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,550
It's faux, actually.
207
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,260
You celebrating real Christmas...
208
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,220
...or a faux Christmas?
209
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,889
Real Christmas?
210
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,224
Then why the hell
would you buy a faux tree?
211
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,060
It's an investment, really.
212
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,311
MARIA:
Daddy.
213
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:45,771
Daddy!
214
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,064
God.
215
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,231
MARIA:
I've missed you!
216
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:49,066
[MARIA GASPS]
217
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:50,734
And the whole family...
218
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:51,818
...is here.
219
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:52,778
[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
220
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,112
Hi...
221
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,322
...everybody!
222
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:56,573
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
223
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,158
Oh, God.
224
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,079
Oh. I guess Timo...
225
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:03,246
...made parole.
226
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,082
Uh, not exactly.
227
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,834
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!
228
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,294
[CHUCKLES]
229
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,129
You take it.
230
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,590
You people are real good
with those things.
231
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,094
HAROLD:
It's just the weekend.
232
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,805
It's just the weekend.
233
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,768
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Has this ever happened to you?
234
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,144
This stupid waffle's stuck.
235
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:27,938
[GRUNTING]
236
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,272
MOM:
Oh, my God! Billy!
237
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,607
- Heh-heh-heh.
MOM: George, call 911!
238
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:31,775
This is fucked up.
239
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:32,859
NARRATOR:
How about this?
240
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:34,695
[GIRL SCREAMS]
241
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,322
Well, it doesn't have to any more.
242
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,616
Introducing WaffleBot.
243
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:41,827
BOTH:
WaffleBot!
244
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,789
NARRATOR:
Just pop the top, let that batter drop
245
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,833
and WaffleBot does the rest
246
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,793
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.
247
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,004
BOTH:
Thanks, WaffleBot!
248
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,965
WAFFLEBOT I love you.
249
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,174
NARRATOR:
Get the Christmas
250
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,385
...toy of the season
while they're hot.
251
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,178
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
252
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,014
KUMAR:
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!
253
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,726
VANESSA:
Kumar! It's Vanessa.
254
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,479
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.
255
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,314
Come on in.
256
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,817
Since when do you have a beard?
257
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,903
I actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.
258
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,406
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.
259
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,658
VANESSA:
When's the last time you cleaned?
260
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,660
Like three months ago.
261
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:24,870
Less romantic?
262
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,329
Little bit, yeah.
263
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,832
I'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.
264
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:29,750
Oh, no, no, no.
265
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,334
No, I shouldn't.
266
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,502
Of course you should.
267
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,379
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.
268
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:37,758
I'm pregnant.
269
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:38,884
[COUGHS]
270
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,343
You're pregnant?
271
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,720
We...
272
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,013
We practiced safe sex.
273
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,014
[SCOFFS]
274
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,099
I mean, I pulled out
and came on your back.
275
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,559
A couple squeaks got by...
276
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,686
...but is that all it takes?
- Yes.
277
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,564
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school
278
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,275
I didn't flunk out of med school.
I failed a drug test.
279
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,568
How do I even know...
280
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:57,861
...that the baby's mine?
281
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,363
I haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.
282
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,032
Nice.
283
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,201
What do you want to do about it?
284
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,535
All right, um...
285
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:07,871
[CHUCKLING]
286
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,463
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...
287
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:17,923
...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.
288
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,383
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.
289
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:24,805
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?
290
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,598
Both. No.
291
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,142
- I mean...
- You know what? I knew you...
292
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,102
...couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.
293
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,395
I'm really high.
294
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,774
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.
295
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:38,109
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.
296
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,403
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...
297
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,906
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...
298
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,491
...you're MIA.
299
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:45,784
Give me a half hour...
300
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:46,993
...to sober up.
301
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,703
Fuck.
302
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,624
[CHATTERING]
303
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,586
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or...? No? Okay.
304
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,754
[MR. PEREZ GROWLS]
305
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,717
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha, ha.
306
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,094
Glad your family's here.
307
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,345
I'm just wondering...
308
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:09,307
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.
309
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,476
We'll make it work.
We have plenty of room.
310
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,186
Okay.
311
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,187
I'm sorry.
312
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,814
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.
313
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,190
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
314
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,441
Harold.
315
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,360
Hey, speaking of guests...
316
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,737
...are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?
317
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:26,533
Kumar? You kidding me?
I haven't seen that guy in years.
318
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:27,534
MARIA:
Kumar has been...
319
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,537
...your friend for a long time.
- It is perfectly normal.
320
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:33,456
People lose half their friends
every seven years.
321
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,292
It's not like I don't have friends.
322
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:38,128
- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
- At least he doesn't...
323
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:40,380
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.
324
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,132
[IN SPANISH]
325
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:43,300
Ah, okay.
326
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,011
[IN SPANISH]
327
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:47,304
[ALL GASP]
328
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,391
[IN ENGLISH] Rosetta Stone.
329
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,518
A lifesaver.
330
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:02,819
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
331
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:04,988
KUMAR:
Be right there!
332
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,334
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.
333
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,088
[GRUNTS]
334
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,715
Maybe we can...
335
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:25,842
Are you sure we have to...
336
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,011
...throw it out?
- This tree is a cancer.
337
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,555
We have to get rid of it
before it kills Christmas.
338
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,182
Very intense wording.
339
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:34,559
[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
340
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,357
MARIA:
Wow! Oh, my God.
341
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,692
I can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.
342
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,945
Am I missing something?
343
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,280
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.
344
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,366
- Oh.
MR. PEREZ: Twelve-foot Fraser fir.
345
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,743
Look at the branch distribution.
346
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:52,577
Oh, I see.
347
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:53,870
Hey, hey!
348
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:55,789
She's very delicate.
349
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,249
I've been growing her for eight years.
350
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:02,545
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.
351
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:04,923
Oh, God.
352
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,383
Not a big deal?
353
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,718
Let me tell you a story, Harold.
354
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,553
Growing up in Medellin...
355
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,140
...my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.
356
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,810
Every year I would pray to God:
357
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:21,439
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree. "
358
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,066
And every Christmas...
359
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,568
...I was heartbroken.
360
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:28,738
When my mother finally
moved me to America...
361
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,740
...she promised me we would have...
362
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:34,619
...a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.
363
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:38,957
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...
364
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,959
...she was violently attacked...
365
00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:43,128
...by a gang of Korean punks.
366
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:47,924
[GRUNTS]
367
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:54,389
[GRUNTS]
368
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,810
They stabbed her multiple times.
369
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,104
- Fucking kill her!
- Whoo!
370
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,650
She bled to death.
371
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,943
So I guess...
372
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:10,780
...you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.
373
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,115
Oh, my God.
374
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,453
- [WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me?
- [MOUTHS] I'm sorry.
375
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,413
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?
376
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:19,247
I don't know.
377
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,623
My eyes are all fucked up.
378
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,793
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! It's indecent!
379
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,837
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.
380
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,839
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.
381
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,425
Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to spend tonight in the city...
382
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,801
with you guys.
383
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,094
Wait.
384
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,388
I got this.
385
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,642
I'll take care of the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.
386
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,644
No. No, no, no.
387
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,646
We brought the tree all the way down.
388
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,857
It has to look perfect
on Christmas morning.
389
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:50,528
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care of it.
390
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,989
When you come back,
the tree will be decorated.
391
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:56,493
This house, I promise you,
is gonna be perfect.
392
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,912
[MARIA CHUCKLES]
393
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:09,047
ADRIAN: You know, I like the beard,
but I love clean-shaven you.
394
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,341
You look like an Indian Don Draper.
395
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,051
What did Vanessa do to suck...
396
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,677
...the life out of you...
397
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,054
...this afternoon?
398
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:20,016
I don't have anyone else to confide in.
I might as well tell you. Uh...
399
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:21,684
Vanessa's pregnan...
400
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:22,685
A queefer.
401
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,729
- What?
- I knew it.
402
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:28,399
I used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.
403
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:31,528
It was ridiculous.
I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.
404
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,364
When was the last time
you saw this guy?
405
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,407
- Two years ago.
- So...
406
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:39,869
...why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.
407
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:43,039
He is, all right? I just...
I don't want his shit in my place.
408
00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:44,874
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
409
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,210
Can we put on some Wu-Tang?
410
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,088
What? No. No Wu-Tang, okay?
Christmas music. I like it.
411
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,840
Because you weren't brought up...
412
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,883
...normal, doesn't mean
you should ruin it.
413
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:55,009
You're Jewish.
414
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:55,844
I know, right?
415
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:56,719
[RAISES VOLUME]
416
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:57,762
[ADRIAN SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]
417
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,099
KUMAR:
Sure this is the right address?
418
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:05,311
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.
419
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,272
I guess.
420
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:10,108
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna drop this off.
421
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:17,073
Big house, lot of bathrooms.
422
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,742
Lot of poopies, lot of money.
423
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,077
Daddy likes.
424
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,138
[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]
425
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:42,682
Fuck!
426
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,606
Kumar?
427
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:52,775
Hello, Harold.
428
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,112
- Hey.
- Hey.
429
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,281
- Hey.
- I was...
430
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,658
- How are you? Good to see you.
- Oh, hey.
431
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,119
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.
432
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:07,624
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.
433
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,126
Oh. Okay, cool.
434
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,712
You look terrific. You lose weight?
435
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,424
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.
436
00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:19,552
No. You know.
437
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,348
Do you want to come in for a drink...
438
00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:24,682
...or something?
439
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:25,975
Um...
440
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,520
[ON RADIO] Christmas, Christmas
441
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:30,730
Do you not have time?
442
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:31,898
- Oh.
- Oh.
443
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,486
- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.
444
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:39,155
Watch your step, it's icy there.
445
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,742
Eggnog? Empanadas?
446
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,453
Uh... Sure. Yeah.
447
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:48,665
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.
448
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,833
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.
449
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:55,213
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.
450
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:57,882
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.
451
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:03,388
Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like
you guys got some awesome sconces.
452
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,682
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
453
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,184
So, what's up with this package?
454
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:11,437
HAROLD:
My name and your address. That's weird.
455
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,273
I haven't lived there for so long.
456
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,024
I know. That's strange.
457
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:17,986
HAROLD:
Whoa.
458
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:23,783
Ooh.
459
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:26,869
HAROLD:
What the hell is this?
460
00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:29,080
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?
461
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:30,498
HAROLD:
Is this a joke?
462
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,709
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?
463
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,752
Had I known, I would have smoked it.
464
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,546
Is there a...?
465
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,256
No return address.
466
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:41,592
I don't even see any stamps on this.
467
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:43,428
What are you doing?
468
00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:44,387
Getting not low.
469
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:45,888
No smoking in this house.
470
00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,308
What? What douche came up
with that rule?
471
00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,268
HAROLD:
This douche did.
472
00:21:57,775 --> 00:21:58,901
That was good shit.
473
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:00,778
HAROLD:
I don't care, okay?
474
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,155
I don't smoke any more.
475
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,781
- What?
- I just felt...
476
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,867
...that a lot of times when I got high...
477
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,161
...things would go really wrong. 80...
478
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:11,331
But, Harold, weed is so good.
479
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,790
It gets you high.
480
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,542
I got nothing against weed, okay?
481
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:17,295
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But I'm an adult now.
482
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,423
And frankly, I'm kind of glad that
the craziness is behind me.
483
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,675
Do you smell something burning?
484
00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:25,094
BOTH:
Oh, shit!
485
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:26,846
KUMAR: Oh, shit.
- Shit.
486
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,264
Shit!
487
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:30,600
It's spreading. It's spreading!
488
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:32,101
Here.
489
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:34,270
Bah, bah, bah!
Not the throw pillows!
490
00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:35,563
Seriously?
491
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,692
I did it anyway!
492
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,110
HAROLD:
What the fuck?!
493
00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:48,034
Shit!
494
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:49,369
HAROLD:
Maria's dad will kill me!
495
00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:50,328
Stop yelling!
496
00:22:50,495 --> 00:22:52,455
We gotta get rid of this tree!
497
00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:54,165
Okay.
498
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:09,389
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.
499
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:11,224
[PANTING]
500
00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:13,726
Calm down.
It's just a Christmas tree.
501
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:14,977
"Just a Christmas tree"?
502
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,355
Maria's dad grew that tree...
503
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:18,981
...and now it is dead.
504
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,443
Koreans have killed his mother,
and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.
505
00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:23,820
Christmas isn't ruined.
506
00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:25,863
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.
507
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:28,616
They're gonna come home from Mass
and expect to see...
508
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:31,327
...a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.
509
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:34,372
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty of tree lots.
510
00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:36,916
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.
511
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,418
We're not gonna do anything.
512
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:42,380
You know what? Um, this is my fault.
513
00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:44,799
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.
514
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:47,093
I will take care of this. Thank you.
515
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:49,137
- I don't mind helping out...
- I got it.
516
00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:50,888
- We have a van...
- I got it.
517
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:54,684
Okay. You got it.
518
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,270
- You need anything, just give me...
- Merry Christmas.
519
00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:02,024
Merry Christmas, Harold.
520
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,822
What the fuck took so long?
521
00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:09,532
Nothing. Let's just go.
522
00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:13,202
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.
523
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,878
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.
524
00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:23,463
Oh, wow, look at that.
525
00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:25,756
You know, it's kind of better
than a window.
526
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,925
It's like a stained-glass
window of paper.
527
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:29,260
Any luck with the tree?
528
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,721
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.
529
00:24:31,888 --> 00:24:33,556
It's "3D."
530
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:34,265
Hmm?
531
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:35,433
Daddy-Daughter Day.
532
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,602
You can't back out
of Daddy-Daughter Day...
533
00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:40,396
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...
534
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:43,065
...and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.
535
00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:44,400
- All bad things.
- Ah.
536
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,611
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called...
537
00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:47,612
[BABY CRYING]
538
00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:49,697
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.
539
00:24:50,364 --> 00:24:52,200
[SINGING] The itsy bitsy spider
540
00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:53,576
Crawled up the water spout
541
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:55,119
They say that singing is...
542
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,413
...the best way to communicate
with a child.
543
00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:58,873
I guess I haven't found...
544
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,583
...the right song for her yet.
545
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,585
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?
546
00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:04,837
The tree. Right. So I called them.
547
00:25:05,004 --> 00:25:06,422
They had one 12-foot fir left.
548
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,925
- And I reserved it.
- You got it?
549
00:25:09,091 --> 00:25:11,928
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.
550
00:25:12,094 --> 00:25:13,763
I know. I don't know why I didn't.
551
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,765
- Okay, good. Let's go.
- Whoo!
552
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:16,849
You know.
553
00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,267
Okay. Next time.
554
00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:24,649
Now, before this party...
555
00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:26,442
...we got to talk about your game.
556
00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:29,987
Heh. The last time you hit on a chick,
you had to ask for her beeper number.
557
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,280
[ADRIAN CHUCKLES]
558
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:32,949
Get it?
559
00:25:34,951 --> 00:25:36,077
Aw, dude, turn in there!
560
00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:38,246
Really? A tree farm'?
561
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:43,709
"Best selection"...
562
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:44,544
...my ass.
563
00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:46,879
It's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?
564
00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:48,297
KUMAR:
If I was a tree farmer...
565
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:51,133
...I'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.
566
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,468
What the fuck that mean?
567
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:53,886
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]
568
00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,472
He's just playing.
How you doing? I'm Latrell.
569
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,224
Hello. Kumar.
570
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,977
This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.
571
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:04,438
Ah!
572
00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:06,399
- So you two own this tree lot?
LAMAR: What?
573
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:10,236
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?
574
00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:13,739
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.
575
00:26:13,906 --> 00:26:15,408
- What?
- What?
576
00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:17,577
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.
577
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:20,580
Heh, heh. Word. Word.
My boy here, same way.
578
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,832
Cagey as shit. Right, boy?
579
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:26,002
If you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.
580
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:29,005
Here's one we did for Ja Rule.
Ha-ha-ha.
581
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:29,880
Ooh. We'll take it.
582
00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:30,715
Pow.
583
00:26:30,881 --> 00:26:33,801
- Ooh. How much is that?
LATRELL: That tree'? Sorry.
584
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:35,303
Just got reserved.
585
00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,305
I really need it. I'll pay double.
586
00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:38,848
LAMAR:
Oh, I got you now.
587
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:41,392
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.
588
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:43,603
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?
589
00:26:43,894 --> 00:26:44,604
Triple.
590
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,314
I'll get the rope.
591
00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:47,857
- Quadruple.
- Stop.
592
00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:49,650
Sold.
593
00:26:50,693 --> 00:26:51,319
[FINGERS CRACK]
594
00:26:51,485 --> 00:26:55,906
Can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?
595
00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:58,409
KUMAR:
Just hold on a second, all right?
596
00:26:58,618 --> 00:26:59,869
I see what you're doing.
597
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:01,329
Forget about her.
598
00:27:01,495 --> 00:27:02,747
- Think about me.
- All right.
599
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:06,417
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.
600
00:27:06,917 --> 00:27:08,044
Yeah.
601
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:12,340
We got another customer.
602
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760
Can I play angry black guy this time?
603
00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:17,678
Aw, come on. You just played it.
604
00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:19,180
And I got triple the money.
605
00:27:19,347 --> 00:27:21,223
Come on, please? Come on!
606
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:22,391
TODD [SINGING]:
Three French hens
607
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:23,601
HAROLD:
Would you stop?
608
00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:24,769
TODD:
I wish I could stop
609
00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:26,187
Sorry, I'm trying my best
610
00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:27,438
Hi. You guys in charge?
611
00:27:28,731 --> 00:27:32,443
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?
612
00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:33,778
Gat's coming out
613
00:27:33,944 --> 00:27:35,363
That was so good. Ha, ha.
614
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:37,907
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.
615
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:39,200
- We called.
LATRELL: Oh, yeah?
616
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,952
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!
617
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:43,079
HAROLD:
What? You sold it?
618
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:43,788
To who?
619
00:27:43,954 --> 00:27:45,790
Those white boys over there.
620
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:49,293
Fuck!
621
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:50,211
Hey.
622
00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:51,712
TODD:
Aah! Where are we going?
623
00:27:52,171 --> 00:27:54,924
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.
624
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:55,925
TODD:
Good idea!
625
00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:58,594
LATRELL:
I'm sorry.
626
00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,721
- You lost your gangsta grill.
- I know.
627
00:28:00,888 --> 00:28:03,140
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.
628
00:28:03,307 --> 00:28:06,185
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.
629
00:28:06,435 --> 00:28:08,646
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.
630
00:28:08,813 --> 00:28:11,065
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.
631
00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:13,609
TODD:
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...
632
00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:15,611
...because we got precious cargo...
633
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:17,780
...and it is very icy out there.
634
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,825
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard of black ice?
635
00:28:20,991 --> 00:28:24,078
It's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.
636
00:28:24,245 --> 00:28:26,330
Relax. I can feel the road.
It's not that bad.
637
00:28:28,082 --> 00:28:29,250
Yo, slow down, man.
638
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:32,503
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP.
639
00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:35,089
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.
640
00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:36,841
Yogurt has an expiration date.
641
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:39,844
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.
642
00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:41,679
It was really sour.
643
00:28:41,846 --> 00:28:43,848
But yogurt is sour,
so how was I to know?
644
00:28:44,515 --> 00:28:46,350
Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...
645
00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:47,768
...but I'm cold... Hello?
646
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:49,270
You're not looking at me.
647
00:28:49,437 --> 00:28:51,480
I should look at the road
and you look at me.
648
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:52,815
- It's opposite.
- Watch out!
649
00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:54,150
ADRIAN:
Ow, ow.
650
00:28:54,316 --> 00:28:55,151
[BOTH SCREAMING]
651
00:28:56,986 --> 00:28:57,862
Holy shit!
652
00:28:58,028 --> 00:28:58,696
TODD:
Black ice!
653
00:28:58,863 --> 00:28:59,947
Black ice! It's real!
654
00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,699
ADRIAN:
Oh, shit!
655
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:03,325
Oh, my God!
656
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:05,161
Don't just scream!
657
00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:06,454
You're just screaming!
658
00:29:06,620 --> 00:29:07,538
That's not helpful!
659
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:10,458
Oh, shit!
660
00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:20,468
Holy shit!
661
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:21,552
Oh, Harry, stop!
662
00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:25,264
ADRIAN:
Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.
663
00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:30,227
Oh, my ass.
664
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:34,398
I am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.
665
00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:36,567
You guys all right?
How are you alive?
666
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:37,902
Harold?
667
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:39,403
Kumar?
668
00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:42,031
That was you at the tree farm?
You took my tree?
669
00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:45,075
- So you killed two trees in one night.
KUMAR: Hold on.
670
00:29:45,284 --> 00:29:47,161
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.
671
00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:49,079
[YELLS]
672
00:29:50,289 --> 00:29:52,583
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.
673
00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:56,754
That was the only 12-foot Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.
674
00:29:56,921 --> 00:29:57,713
Fuck your tree!
675
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:58,923
What about my car?
676
00:29:59,089 --> 00:30:00,257
I got a virgin to fuck!
677
00:30:00,424 --> 00:30:01,884
Who is this? Who is Glasses?
678
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:03,928
Heh. Nice, Harry.
679
00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:06,806
- This is my friend, Adrian.
HAROLD: Oh.
680
00:30:07,181 --> 00:30:08,182
He's young.
681
00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:09,892
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.
682
00:30:10,059 --> 00:30:11,519
TODD:
Why the I-I...
683
00:30:11,685 --> 00:30:13,270
...did you F-wads...
684
00:30:13,437 --> 00:30:17,441
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?
685
00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:18,776
Who is this toolbox?
686
00:30:18,943 --> 00:30:20,945
This is my friend, Todd.
687
00:30:21,111 --> 00:30:23,113
Oh, yeah? What kind of friend?
Best friend?
688
00:30:23,322 --> 00:30:26,450
- I wouldn't say best... Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.
689
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,285
That's awesome.
690
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:29,578
Buddy.
691
00:30:29,745 --> 00:30:30,913
Homey.
692
00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:32,748
This was fun. But I got...
693
00:30:32,915 --> 00:30:34,291
...a hot date in the city.
694
00:30:34,458 --> 00:30:35,626
You have to take me.
695
00:30:35,835 --> 00:30:36,794
What? No.
696
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:39,922
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.
697
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:42,716
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:
698
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:46,136
Hey, Adrian.
I can't wait to finally meet you.
699
00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:48,889
I'm going to rock your world.
700
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:50,724
I promise...
701
00:30:50,891 --> 00:30:52,434
...it will be worth the wait.
702
00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:56,814
Wait, look at this fir.
703
00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:58,899
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.
704
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:00,317
Shut up. The tree.
705
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:01,944
It's like Maria's dad's tree.
706
00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:04,321
- It's magnificent.
ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal.
707
00:31:04,488 --> 00:31:06,615
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.
708
00:31:06,782 --> 00:31:08,158
No. It's already very late.
709
00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:09,618
Shut the fuck up, Todd!
710
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:11,161
This doesn't concern you!
711
00:31:11,370 --> 00:31:13,330
- Easy.
- He can not... He is not allow...
712
00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:15,249
HAROLD:
Hey. Calm down. Calm down.
713
00:31:15,416 --> 00:31:18,335
I'm running out of time.
I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.
714
00:31:18,502 --> 00:31:20,462
Work with me. Listen.
715
00:31:20,629 --> 00:31:21,922
I'm not driving for nothing.
716
00:31:22,089 --> 00:31:24,174
Make sure we can get the tree,
you got a deal.
717
00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:25,009
Done.
718
00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:26,927
Hey, douche?
719
00:31:27,094 --> 00:31:27,636
Yeah?
720
00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:28,345
Shotgun.
721
00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:29,263
Oh.
722
00:31:29,513 --> 00:31:30,681
Scr...
723
00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:32,391
S you. S you.
724
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:35,686
"S"?
725
00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:37,354
- "S you"?
- "Screw you."
726
00:31:37,521 --> 00:31:38,981
- Oh, right.
TODD: Screw you!
727
00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,193
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.
728
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:46,155
The tree is removable?
729
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:48,282
OPERATOR: Your call cannot
be completed as dialed.
730
00:31:48,449 --> 00:31:51,160
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Please hang up...
731
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:52,328
We can have the tree?
732
00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:53,495
She said it?
733
00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:54,705
She said that, yes.
734
00:31:55,122 --> 00:31:57,124
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.
735
00:31:59,418 --> 00:32:02,463
What is he doing? What is he doing?
736
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:04,006
What are you doing?
737
00:32:04,506 --> 00:32:05,299
What?
738
00:32:05,466 --> 00:32:06,717
My daughter's in there!
739
00:32:06,926 --> 00:32:07,468
What?
740
00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:09,887
- Oh, shit!
HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?
741
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,138
I didn't see her.
742
00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,514
You got my baby high!
743
00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:14,475
HAROLD:
You got his baby high.
744
00:32:14,642 --> 00:32:15,809
Hold on a second.
745
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:19,396
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?
746
00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:20,814
[GIGGLING]
747
00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:22,316
TODD:
Okay, great.
748
00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,360
Now she has the giggles.
749
00:32:24,652 --> 00:32:26,362
- Sorry.
TODD: If Emma finds out...
750
00:32:26,528 --> 00:32:27,571
...we won't be able...
751
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:28,989
...to come to the party.
752
00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:30,032
What party?
753
00:32:30,574 --> 00:32:31,992
Oh, it's just a work...
754
00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:33,077
...Christmas party...
755
00:32:33,243 --> 00:32:34,495
...kind of thing.
756
00:32:34,662 --> 00:32:35,245
Right, Todd?
757
00:32:35,454 --> 00:32:36,872
Yeah. It's gonna be...
758
00:32:37,039 --> 00:32:38,082
...classic.
759
00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:38,916
[YELLING]
760
00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:41,377
Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip.
761
00:32:41,543 --> 00:32:42,711
HAROLD:
Try singing again.
762
00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:44,088
It never works.
763
00:32:44,254 --> 00:32:45,756
- Hey. Hey.
HAROLD: What are you doing?
764
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:47,758
Hey.
765
00:32:48,050 --> 00:32:49,969
[RAPPING]
If you want beef, then bring the ruckus
766
00:32:50,552 --> 00:32:51,553
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
767
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:52,763
Nothin' to fuck with
768
00:32:52,972 --> 00:32:53,889
Straight from
769
00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:55,766
The motherfucking
slums that's busted
770
00:32:55,975 --> 00:32:57,434
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with
771
00:32:57,601 --> 00:32:58,477
Ahh.
772
00:33:00,521 --> 00:33:02,231
Dude, you baby-whispered her.
773
00:33:02,606 --> 00:33:04,233
TODD:
I do not care for the language...
774
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:05,734
...but that was impressive.
775
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:07,027
What singing group...
776
00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:08,612
...is that?
- The Wu-Tang Clan.
777
00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:10,739
The Gu-Ga... The Wu-Gang Band?
778
00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:12,533
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.
779
00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:13,367
TODD:
Harry.
780
00:33:13,534 --> 00:33:15,953
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?
781
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,621
KUMAR:
There's a lot you don't know...
782
00:33:17,788 --> 00:33:18,580
...about Harry, huh?
783
00:33:18,789 --> 00:33:19,957
TODD:
Excuse me?
784
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:21,959
- Was that directed to me?
KUMAR: Yeah, douche.
785
00:33:22,126 --> 00:33:23,544
Okay. Taken.
786
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,797
I got the munchies.
787
00:33:27,006 --> 00:33:27,923
TODD:
Now we have to...
788
00:33:28,090 --> 00:33:30,384
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.
789
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:33,429
So she can come down
from her trip. Fantastic.
790
00:33:54,575 --> 00:33:58,245
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.
791
00:33:58,412 --> 00:33:59,413
- What?
- What?
792
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:02,624
It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.
793
00:34:02,791 --> 00:34:05,252
Also, I told her you work
for the White House.
794
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:07,004
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
795
00:34:07,171 --> 00:34:07,963
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
796
00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:08,964
[CHATTERING]
797
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,257
[BIG BOI'S "DADDY FAT SAX"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
798
00:34:11,967 --> 00:34:13,427
It is I, the B-I-G, the B-O-I
799
00:34:13,594 --> 00:34:15,637
TODD:
Well, I spy with my little eye...
800
00:34:15,804 --> 00:34:18,682
...three felonies that I can see
in this room right now.
801
00:34:18,849 --> 00:34:19,683
Four
802
00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:22,936
That's it. That's our tree. It's perfect.
803
00:34:23,187 --> 00:34:24,855
- It's better than the photograph.
- Ha, ha.
804
00:34:25,064 --> 00:34:25,981
HAROLD:
It's perfect.
805
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:26,815
Hey, Glasses.
806
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:30,110
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
807
00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:32,863
Yo, yo, yo!
808
00:34:33,197 --> 00:34:35,324
What it is, pimp, player...
809
00:34:35,491 --> 00:34:36,283
...et cetera?
810
00:34:36,450 --> 00:34:38,827
- What's up? Where's Mary?
TEEN: I don't know...
811
00:34:38,994 --> 00:34:41,789
...dude, but if I was you,
I would steer clear.
812
00:34:41,955 --> 00:34:43,874
Does she have a tail
or something? What?
813
00:34:44,083 --> 00:34:47,336
Don't listen to these guys.
It takes balls to do what you're doing.
814
00:34:47,503 --> 00:34:48,504
You're freaking me out.
815
00:34:48,670 --> 00:34:50,297
- What is wrong with her?
TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.
816
00:34:50,464 --> 00:34:52,091
MARY:
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
817
00:35:09,983 --> 00:35:11,568
Wow, you look just like
818
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:12,736
...your profile pic.
819
00:35:12,903 --> 00:35:14,404
You look better. Hi.
820
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:16,907
You're hot, girl.
821
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:18,242
Thank you.
822
00:35:19,118 --> 00:35:22,246
So do you, like, want to see my room?
823
00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:23,914
Hey, hey. What about the tree'?
824
00:35:24,123 --> 00:35:24,998
I'll get it.
825
00:35:25,165 --> 00:35:28,085
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.
826
00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:29,503
But hopefully more. Heh.
827
00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:30,921
[WHISPERS] Probably less.
828
00:35:31,130 --> 00:35:32,339
You owe me a tree, punk.
829
00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:34,591
[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]
830
00:35:34,758 --> 00:35:36,718
Ugh. Ugh.
831
00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:39,388
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.
832
00:35:39,555 --> 00:35:42,099
- I've got to find a place to change a diaper.
- Oh, God.
833
00:35:42,266 --> 00:35:46,019
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?
834
00:35:46,186 --> 00:35:47,187
Wu-Tang, dude.
835
00:35:47,354 --> 00:35:48,147
Woo-hoo.
836
00:35:49,439 --> 00:35:51,441
Your little friend better get me a tree.
837
00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:53,652
I'm sorry about him, dude. I...
838
00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:57,197
BORIS:
Hey, grandpa!
839
00:35:57,364 --> 00:35:59,074
- Toss it back.
KUMAR: Who you calling...
840
00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:01,285
...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.
841
00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:03,203
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...
842
00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:04,371
...right now.
843
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:05,581
Karate Kid style.
844
00:36:05,747 --> 00:36:06,415
KUMAR:
Really?
845
00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:08,417
Which Karate Kid
are you referring to?
846
00:36:08,584 --> 00:36:12,754
There's only one Karate Kid and it
stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.
847
00:36:12,921 --> 00:36:13,922
What?
848
00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,674
Generation Z, here's your ball.
849
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:20,262
Who invited these fucking losers?
850
00:36:20,429 --> 00:36:22,264
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?
851
00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:25,225
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.
852
00:36:25,392 --> 00:36:26,143
What?
853
00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:28,145
Fuck that! I don't care...
854
00:36:28,312 --> 00:36:31,148
...what my sister said.
I'm not letting you take our tree.
855
00:36:31,315 --> 00:36:33,150
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.
856
00:36:33,317 --> 00:36:34,484
HAROLD:
Come on.
857
00:36:34,693 --> 00:36:37,237
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're out of here.
858
00:36:37,404 --> 00:36:38,655
It's a bit of an emergency.
859
00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:40,949
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.
860
00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:42,159
If you beat us...
861
00:36:42,326 --> 00:36:43,452
...you get the tree.
862
00:36:43,619 --> 00:36:47,831
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.
863
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:50,626
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pong?
864
00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:53,337
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys
haven't heard of it before.
865
00:36:53,503 --> 00:36:54,296
KUMAR:
Oh, no, no.
866
00:36:54,463 --> 00:36:56,006
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.
867
00:36:56,215 --> 00:36:58,675
Except, see, in our day,
it was called Beirut.
868
00:36:58,842 --> 00:37:00,761
And we didn't have the rollback rule...
869
00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:02,346
...like you pussies have today.
870
00:37:02,512 --> 00:37:06,934
I remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.
871
00:37:07,351 --> 00:37:09,144
You remind me a lot of that guy...
872
00:37:09,311 --> 00:37:10,854
...except you're shorter.
873
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:12,356
And he had pubes.
874
00:37:12,648 --> 00:37:13,941
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.
875
00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:15,943
All my other friends...
876
00:37:16,109 --> 00:37:17,861
...lost their virginity in 7th grade.
877
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,529
I can't believe it's happening.
878
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:23,033
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?
879
00:37:23,242 --> 00:37:25,869
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.
880
00:37:26,286 --> 00:37:27,162
Why won't they?
881
00:37:27,496 --> 00:37:28,997
Probably because they're scared.
882
00:37:29,164 --> 00:37:30,874
Well, I don't get scared.
883
00:37:31,041 --> 00:37:33,210
Scared of...
What are they scared of, though?
884
00:37:33,377 --> 00:37:34,878
Hey! Enough talk.
885
00:37:38,548 --> 00:37:39,341
Gonna hit this?
886
00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,260
Yes. I Will. Hit it.
887
00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:45,389
Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.
888
00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:47,557
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.
889
00:37:47,766 --> 00:37:49,768
Forget it. Heh.
890
00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:54,815
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you...
891
00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:57,192
Aah! Okay, I need this room...
892
00:37:57,359 --> 00:38:00,529
...for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...
893
00:38:00,696 --> 00:38:03,407
...doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!
894
00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:04,366
Smush my pussy!
895
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,242
GUY:
I'm coming!
896
00:38:05,409 --> 00:38:07,077
- Oh, my God.
GUY: Oh, I'm coming!
897
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,371
Baby, blow me.
898
00:38:11,164 --> 00:38:12,040
Ugh.
899
00:38:14,918 --> 00:38:15,877
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
900
00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:17,838
A boom batta, these pockets...
901
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,880
...getting fatter.
902
00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:19,715
You guys...
903
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,216
...got nothing on me.
904
00:38:22,009 --> 00:38:24,303
Dude, I need this tree.
905
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:25,887
I know.
906
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:28,724
- We hit this, we win.
BORIS: No matter. There's no way...
907
00:38:28,890 --> 00:38:31,268
...you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.
908
00:38:31,435 --> 00:38:33,437
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?
909
00:38:39,026 --> 00:38:40,110
- Time.
- What?
910
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:44,281
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."
911
00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:46,908
It's too risky.
I haven't done that in forever.
912
00:38:47,075 --> 00:38:49,619
No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.
913
00:38:57,878 --> 00:38:59,379
[WHISPERS] Hello, old friend.
914
00:39:01,548 --> 00:39:02,341
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Clear.
915
00:39:22,235 --> 00:39:23,153
[CROWD CHEERING]
916
00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:25,447
We won!
917
00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,157
Who are those guys?
918
00:39:27,366 --> 00:39:30,160
I don't know,
but they're fucking studs.
919
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:34,998
[ADRIAN MOANS]
920
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:40,003
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.
921
00:39:44,299 --> 00:39:45,008
Who's that?
922
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:46,968
Oh, that's just my dad.
923
00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:49,763
Why does he look...
924
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:50,972
...so familiar?
925
00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:01,817
[GROANING]
926
00:40:08,949 --> 00:40:10,033
[LAUGHING]
927
00:40:15,414 --> 00:40:16,998
[GRUNTING]
928
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:31,388
That's not good. No.
929
00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,557
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?
930
00:40:33,723 --> 00:40:35,934
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.
931
00:40:36,435 --> 00:40:38,979
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.
932
00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:39,980
No, no, no.
933
00:40:40,147 --> 00:40:41,064
Give your dick.
934
00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:42,858
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.
935
00:40:43,024 --> 00:40:43,900
Wait, I almost got it.
936
00:40:44,067 --> 00:40:46,570
It really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!
937
00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,072
Are you going soft on me?
938
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:50,157
Uh-uh.
939
00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:51,741
You better not go soft on me!
940
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,410
I'm not, it's just hard.
941
00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:55,078
Aah! And it really, really hurts.
942
00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:57,164
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!
943
00:40:57,581 --> 00:40:58,665
So how do we do this?
944
00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:01,543
KUMAR: There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.
945
00:41:01,710 --> 00:41:04,546
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
- We could.
946
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:08,884
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say
that was an epic match.
947
00:41:09,092 --> 00:41:10,760
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.
948
00:41:10,969 --> 00:41:12,512
I'm sorry I was such a dick...
949
00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:15,098
...to you guys.
I thought you were old assholes.
950
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:16,933
But real talk...
951
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,603
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.
952
00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:22,439
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.
953
00:41:22,606 --> 00:41:25,901
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.
954
00:41:28,028 --> 00:41:29,988
Come on, man, it's Christmas.
955
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,573
Thanks, kid.
956
00:41:31,781 --> 00:41:33,200
- All right.
- Cheers.
957
00:41:33,366 --> 00:41:34,868
HAROLD: Cheers.
- Cheers.
958
00:41:35,577 --> 00:41:37,913
Mm. It's good.
959
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:41,875
Why don't you guys just sit down and I'll
get that tree all wrapped up for you.
960
00:41:42,042 --> 00:41:43,293
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
961
00:41:43,502 --> 00:41:44,503
Appreciate it.
962
00:41:46,421 --> 00:41:48,423
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!
963
00:41:49,007 --> 00:41:49,758
Have you kids...
964
00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:52,594
...never seen VH1's
Behind the Music?
965
00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:53,929
Do you not know...
966
00:41:54,095 --> 00:41:58,141
...what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?
967
00:41:58,308 --> 00:41:59,059
[SNEEZES]
968
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:03,605
[GIGGLES]
969
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,779
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen
970
00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:12,489
With a brand-new swag
971
00:42:12,656 --> 00:42:14,241
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?
972
00:42:14,407 --> 00:42:17,285
Yeah, I do, actually.
My face is feeling kind of numb.
973
00:42:17,452 --> 00:42:18,495
Oh, fuck.
974
00:42:18,662 --> 00:42:20,163
The kids put something in here.
975
00:42:20,330 --> 00:42:21,915
Was it drugs? Was it semen?
976
00:42:23,041 --> 00:42:24,167
[GARGLES]
977
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,253
It doesn't taste like semen.
978
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:28,755
MARY:
Uh! You fucking...
979
00:42:28,922 --> 00:42:30,757
...loser!
- Give me another chance!
980
00:42:30,924 --> 00:42:32,342
I'm begging you!
981
00:42:32,551 --> 00:42:34,594
I'm really, really, really sorry!
982
00:42:35,679 --> 00:42:39,015
That we had sex too well too often.
983
00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:41,351
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.
984
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:42,477
Somebody is gonna...
985
00:42:42,644 --> 00:42:45,063
...fuck me tonight! You!
986
00:42:46,439 --> 00:42:48,316
Oh, no. Ha. Married.
987
00:42:48,483 --> 00:42:49,859
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.
988
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:51,152
I don't date black guys.
989
00:42:51,319 --> 00:42:52,696
- What? Whoa!
MARY: Unh!
990
00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:54,823
- What are you doing?
MARY: Getting you ready.
991
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,700
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!
992
00:42:56,866 --> 00:42:58,285
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...
993
00:42:58,451 --> 00:43:01,162
...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.
994
00:43:01,329 --> 00:43:02,622
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
995
00:43:02,789 --> 00:43:04,874
[CHATTERING]
996
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:10,380
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
997
00:43:10,714 --> 00:43:12,007
Who the fuck are you?
998
00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:14,342
[GROANS]
999
00:43:14,509 --> 00:43:15,594
[SCRATCHES]
1000
00:43:19,097 --> 00:43:19,889
MARY:
Stop resisting.
1001
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:21,349
HAROLD:
Push harder, dude!
1002
00:43:21,516 --> 00:43:22,517
KUMAR:
I am doing it!
1003
00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:23,560
HAROLD:
I can't get her...
1004
00:43:23,727 --> 00:43:25,854
...off!
MARY: Oh, God!
1005
00:43:26,021 --> 00:43:27,480
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
1006
00:43:27,897 --> 00:43:29,190
Mariana?
1007
00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:31,985
Daddy.
1008
00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:34,321
BOTH:
Daddy.
1009
00:43:37,032 --> 00:43:37,866
That's Sergei...
1010
00:43:38,033 --> 00:43:39,200
...Katsov.
1011
00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:40,201
I know, dude.
1012
00:43:40,368 --> 00:43:41,536
Start talking.
1013
00:43:41,703 --> 00:43:43,121
- Start talking.
- Okay.
1014
00:43:45,165 --> 00:43:45,874
She...
1015
00:43:46,041 --> 00:43:47,250
Start talking! Now!
1016
00:43:47,417 --> 00:43:51,254
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
It's very nice to meet you.
1017
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,757
Um, I know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...
1018
00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:56,926
...but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.
1019
00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,094
She's the raper.
1020
00:43:58,261 --> 00:44:00,096
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.
1021
00:44:00,263 --> 00:44:02,724
These men came in here,
I didn't know who they were.
1022
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,351
I think that they got me drunk.
1023
00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:06,269
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.
1024
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:07,854
You got my daughter drunk?
1025
00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:10,273
Sir, if I may. This is all a big...
1026
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:12,108
Let me pull my pants up.
1027
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:13,860
It's all a big misunderstanding.
1028
00:44:14,861 --> 00:44:16,154
Your children threw the party.
1029
00:44:17,530 --> 00:44:21,451
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.
1030
00:44:21,618 --> 00:44:22,160
[WHISTLE]
1031
00:44:22,369 --> 00:44:23,703
Okay, listen up!
1032
00:44:23,870 --> 00:44:24,746
Party's over!
1033
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:25,747
My baby...
1034
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:29,084
...is fucked on cocaine!
KATSOV: I've heard enough.
1035
00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:30,251
Gustav.
1036
00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:31,294
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
1037
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:33,046
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!
1038
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:35,298
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?
1039
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:38,093
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.
1040
00:44:38,259 --> 00:44:39,636
Why can't he say both of us?
1041
00:44:39,803 --> 00:44:41,179
Both of you...
1042
00:44:41,971 --> 00:44:43,807
...kill them. Kill them all!
1043
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:45,266
[CROWD CLAMORING]
1044
00:44:46,309 --> 00:44:47,143
- Aah!
KUMAR: Go!
1045
00:44:47,310 --> 00:44:47,977
Now!
1046
00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,146
TODD:
Unh, ah! Ava!
1047
00:44:50,313 --> 00:44:52,107
Come with me if you wanna live!
1048
00:44:52,273 --> 00:44:53,441
What? No, no!
1049
00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:54,192
No, no, no!
1050
00:44:58,697 --> 00:44:59,489
[BOTH GRUNT]
1051
00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:32,355
Aah. Where's my baby?
1052
00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:33,606
- Ava! Ava!
- Shh!
1053
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:36,025
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?
1054
00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:36,985
[BABY GIGGLING]
1055
00:45:37,318 --> 00:45:38,820
[BOTH YELL]
1056
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:41,865
Your coke baby has superpowers.
1057
00:45:42,031 --> 00:45:44,033
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1058
00:45:45,285 --> 00:45:47,162
- That was close.
- I know, right?
1059
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,248
HAROLD:
Were you starting to trip out a little bit?
1060
00:45:51,249 --> 00:45:54,627
Because I think I was starting
to trip out back there a little bit.
1061
00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:58,173
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there
was something in the eggnog.
1062
00:45:58,339 --> 00:45:59,758
It's pretty fucking sweet.
1063
00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:00,800
Don't worry.
1064
00:46:00,967 --> 00:46:02,761
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.
1065
00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:06,890
Or maybe not?
1066
00:46:07,056 --> 00:46:09,392
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!
1067
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,060
Ha-ha-ha. So are you!
1068
00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:12,312
So is he.
1069
00:46:12,562 --> 00:46:14,022
What's up, blood?
1070
00:46:16,399 --> 00:46:18,193
Dude, everything's Claymated!
1071
00:46:18,359 --> 00:46:19,402
Fuck you!
1072
00:46:19,569 --> 00:46:20,737
KUMAR:
This is great!
1073
00:46:20,904 --> 00:46:23,907
No, it's not! How am I supposed
to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.
1074
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,492
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.
1075
00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:26,493
What the hell...?
1076
00:46:27,035 --> 00:46:27,786
Yah!
1077
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,829
KUMAR: Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.
1078
00:46:31,498 --> 00:46:33,374
Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.
1079
00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:34,209
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
1080
00:46:34,751 --> 00:46:37,086
[MAN WHIMPERING THEN YELLS]
1081
00:46:37,295 --> 00:46:38,004
What the fuck?
1082
00:46:38,171 --> 00:46:38,880
[GUNSHOTS]
1083
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:40,799
Die, motherfucker!
1084
00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:41,966
[GUN CLICKING]
1085
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:44,135
[WHIMPERING]
1086
00:46:45,929 --> 00:46:46,721
[CREATURE GROWLING]
1087
00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:49,390
[CREATURE LAUGHS]
1088
00:46:53,561 --> 00:46:57,232
Prepare for the winter
of your discontent!
1089
00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:59,192
KUMAR: Whoa!
- Shit!
1090
00:46:59,359 --> 00:47:00,401
Fuck!
1091
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:02,821
[LAUGHS]
1092
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:07,283
My God. We're gonna die.
1093
00:47:07,450 --> 00:47:10,495
No way, dude. Nobody dies
while Claymated. It's a fact.
1094
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:12,705
Dude, look out!
1095
00:47:15,917 --> 00:47:17,877
Oh, nobody dies while Claymated.
1096
00:47:18,044 --> 00:47:18,711
[HORN HONKING]
1097
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,880
- I heard it's a fact.
- Okay, fine. Theory debunked.
1098
00:47:21,047 --> 00:47:22,382
[GRUNTS]
1099
00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:24,884
Let's get out of here.
1100
00:47:27,595 --> 00:47:31,766
What's the matter?
Afraid you'll catch a cold?
1101
00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:39,774
If this guy makes one more lame pun,
I'm gonna kill myself.
1102
00:47:42,193 --> 00:47:43,111
Oh, my clay back!
1103
00:47:43,570 --> 00:47:44,779
[IN HINDI]
1104
00:47:46,322 --> 00:47:47,574
KUMAR [IN HINDI]:
1105
00:47:47,740 --> 00:47:49,117
HAROLD [IN HINDI]:
1106
00:47:50,618 --> 00:47:52,787
HAROLD [IN ENGLISH]: Every time
I hang out with you, it's a disaster.
1107
00:47:52,954 --> 00:47:56,291
KUMAR [IN ENGLISH]: Wait. I just realized
I can probably make my balls bigger too...
1108
00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:59,168
...since I'm Claymated.
HAROLD: You're such a fucking asshole.
1109
00:48:01,170 --> 00:48:02,505
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
1110
00:48:05,717 --> 00:48:07,969
KUMAR: Look, Union Square.
Let's hide in that tree.
1111
00:48:13,558 --> 00:48:15,059
[MAN YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
1112
00:48:15,476 --> 00:48:17,812
This is a really...
This is a really beautiful tree.
1113
00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:18,771
Dude, come on!
1114
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:22,817
[SIGHS]
1115
00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:25,904
HAROLD:
Aw...
1116
00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:27,322
KUMAR:
Aw...
1117
00:48:28,740 --> 00:48:30,033
Hey, little guy.
1118
00:48:30,241 --> 00:48:31,034
You hungry?
1119
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:32,702
SQUIRREL:
Mmm.
1120
00:48:34,412 --> 00:48:35,914
[GRUNTS]
1121
00:48:43,171 --> 00:48:44,130
[YELLING]
1122
00:48:44,297 --> 00:48:45,506
[ALL SCREAM]
1123
00:48:46,382 --> 00:48:48,676
Ice to see you.
1124
00:48:48,843 --> 00:48:50,845
All right, that is it. Hey, snowman!
1125
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:55,433
Get yourself some mints
because your breath is abominable.
1126
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:56,851
[GROWLS]
1127
00:48:57,518 --> 00:48:58,853
Ha-ha-ha. Not bad, Roldy.
1128
00:48:59,562 --> 00:49:01,564
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
1129
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:02,523
[SQUIRREL YELLS]
1130
00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:05,026
Fuck me!
1131
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:06,361
[SCREAMS]
1132
00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:11,616
[GIGGLES]
1133
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,118
Dead squirrel.
1134
00:49:16,204 --> 00:49:17,121
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
1135
00:49:23,503 --> 00:49:25,088
- It's coming!
MAN: Wake up! Wake up!
1136
00:49:25,254 --> 00:49:27,298
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- What?
1137
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:29,968
MAN:
I told you not to aim for the face.
1138
00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:31,552
- Roldy!
- Kumar!
1139
00:49:31,719 --> 00:49:34,055
- What the hell's the matter?
ROSENBERG: What are you doing?
1140
00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:36,057
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?
1141
00:49:36,224 --> 00:49:39,894
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...
1142
00:49:40,061 --> 00:49:41,896
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.
1143
00:49:42,063 --> 00:49:43,731
ROSENBERG:
You are gonna catch your death...
1144
00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,067
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.
1145
00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:48,069
Is there somewhere we can eat?
1146
00:49:57,578 --> 00:49:59,872
This is why I tell you not
to have people over.
1147
00:50:00,039 --> 00:50:04,836
[WHISPERS] Every single other person
got out of here except for us.
1148
00:50:05,003 --> 00:50:07,088
- [WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.
1149
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,549
You said, "Come with me
if you want to live."
1150
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:10,675
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
1151
00:50:12,260 --> 00:50:13,428
[GIGGLING]
1152
00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:15,722
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
- It's fine.
1153
00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:18,266
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.
1154
00:50:18,766 --> 00:50:20,351
I'm on cocaine.
1155
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:22,770
I'm addicted to cocaine.
1156
00:50:22,937 --> 00:50:24,105
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
1157
00:50:26,107 --> 00:50:27,275
Yo! Idiots!
1158
00:50:28,609 --> 00:50:29,777
I want you to find...
1159
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:32,280
...the men who violated...
1160
00:50:32,447 --> 00:50:33,781
...my daughter...
1161
00:50:33,990 --> 00:50:36,284
...and I want you to fucking kill them!
1162
00:50:37,869 --> 00:50:40,288
- Still hits the spot.
HAROLD: I know, right?
1163
00:50:40,496 --> 00:50:43,791
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.
1164
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:45,626
So me and him, we're not gonna...
1165
00:50:45,793 --> 00:50:47,462
...be able to make your party.
1166
00:50:47,628 --> 00:50:49,380
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's okay.
1167
00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:53,301
There's not really a... We should get going.
We got a Christmas tree emergency.
1168
00:50:53,509 --> 00:50:56,804
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.
1169
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:57,972
GOLDSTEIN:
For us Christians...
1170
00:50:58,139 --> 00:51:00,808
...the tree is a very important
part of our holiday.
1171
00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:02,935
Okay, don't start with this. All right?
1172
00:51:03,102 --> 00:51:08,024
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!
1173
00:51:08,316 --> 00:51:11,486
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!
1174
00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:15,198
First of all, don't ever take
the Lord's name in vain, not after...
1175
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:18,159
...how your people crucified my man.
Secondly...
1176
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:19,660
...I was baptized, bitch!
1177
00:51:20,328 --> 00:51:21,496
The second the priest...
1178
00:51:21,662 --> 00:51:23,372
...poured that holy water over me...
1179
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:26,501
...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.
1180
00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:28,836
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.
1181
00:51:29,045 --> 00:51:30,254
Dude, it's the balls.
1182
00:51:30,421 --> 00:51:32,048
These dirty Jew bastards have...
1183
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:33,758
...no idea what they're missing.
1184
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:37,011
Christmas! Easter! Fishing! Hunting!
I tie knots on a sailboat.
1185
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:39,889
I can get heartburn
without thinking I'm having a stroke.
1186
00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:42,934
I'm loving me some Applebee's.
I made terrible investments...
1187
00:51:43,101 --> 00:51:44,560
...doesn't bother me a bit.
1188
00:51:44,936 --> 00:51:47,688
Miraculously, my mother
is no longer a total bitch.
1189
00:51:47,855 --> 00:51:50,024
- Isn't that right? ls Grandma a bitch?
- No.
1190
00:51:50,191 --> 00:51:50,775
No.
1191
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:52,902
And guess what. Next week...
1192
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:55,530
...I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.
1193
00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:58,324
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.
1194
00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:02,245
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.
1195
00:52:02,411 --> 00:52:03,913
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!
1196
00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:09,544
It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?
1197
00:52:10,086 --> 00:52:11,254
Great to see you guys.
1198
00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:13,089
KUMAR: See you, guys.
GOLDSTEIN: No, wait.
1199
00:52:13,422 --> 00:52:14,382
Excuse me!
1200
00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:17,760
You still owe me 87 cents
for that jalapeño cheeseburger!
1201
00:52:17,927 --> 00:52:21,722
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, now did it?
1202
00:52:23,432 --> 00:52:24,934
HAROLD:
God, that tree is perfect.
1203
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:26,227
KUMAR:
Let's go check it out.
1204
00:52:26,394 --> 00:52:27,603
Tickets, please.
1205
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,397
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.
1206
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:30,731
They sold out months ago.
1207
00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:33,317
- But...
- Step aside, please.
1208
00:52:33,943 --> 00:52:35,611
I said step aside.
1209
00:52:38,114 --> 00:52:39,448
Shit.
1210
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:43,536
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. I give up.
1211
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:44,829
You can't give up yet.
1212
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:46,789
Look...
1213
00:52:46,956 --> 00:52:49,584
...I have an idea on how we might
get that tree out.
1214
00:52:49,917 --> 00:52:51,419
- What?
- It's not gonna be easy.
1215
00:52:51,586 --> 00:52:53,546
But this may be
the last chance we've got.
1216
00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:55,631
Here's what we do.
1217
00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,093
First, we need to
steal some tickets.
1218
00:52:59,260 --> 00:53:01,846
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.
1219
00:53:03,890 --> 00:53:05,600
I head down
to the nuns' shower room.
1220
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:09,979
HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.
1221
00:53:10,146 --> 00:53:12,064
How do you think they stay so clean?
1222
00:53:13,566 --> 00:53:17,236
While the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm
gonna snag the key to the back room.
1223
00:53:17,403 --> 00:53:18,821
HAROLD:
What back room?
1224
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,325
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?
1225
00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:23,492
- No.
- Okay, good.
1226
00:53:23,659 --> 00:53:25,494
You're in charge of distracting them.
1227
00:53:25,661 --> 00:53:26,829
How the hell do I do that?
1228
00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,165
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.
1229
00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:33,878
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.
1230
00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:38,341
KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.
1231
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:40,009
I guard while you kill the power.
1232
00:53:40,176 --> 00:53:42,345
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...
1233
00:53:42,511 --> 00:53:44,472
you and I will get the tree.
1234
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:47,433
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...
1235
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,477
...and sees this beautiful tree...
1236
00:53:49,644 --> 00:53:51,896
...in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.
1237
00:53:53,439 --> 00:53:54,440
What do you think?
1238
00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:56,692
INEZ:
Uncle Harold.
1239
00:53:56,901 --> 00:53:59,654
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.
1240
00:53:59,820 --> 00:54:01,948
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?
1241
00:54:06,786 --> 00:54:07,787
Baby?
1242
00:54:08,412 --> 00:54:09,705
Oh, sorry, sir.
1243
00:54:10,206 --> 00:54:10,998
MR. PEREZ:
It's okay, baby.
1244
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:13,709
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.
1245
00:54:15,544 --> 00:54:19,840
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass.
Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!
1246
00:54:20,007 --> 00:54:21,217
Running out of time.
1247
00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:23,719
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?
1248
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,180
Hold on. What the hell's going on?
1249
00:54:26,347 --> 00:54:29,308
He almost spotted us!
I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.
1250
00:54:29,475 --> 00:54:31,727
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?
1251
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:34,063
Because it is a big deal.
1252
00:54:34,230 --> 00:54:36,732
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?
1253
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:40,945
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.
1254
00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:44,448
No, dude, I don't understand.
1255
00:54:45,032 --> 00:54:48,077
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.
1256
00:54:48,244 --> 00:54:50,413
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?
1257
00:54:50,579 --> 00:54:52,206
- Well...
- If I were you...
1258
00:54:52,373 --> 00:54:54,458
...I'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.
1259
00:54:56,168 --> 00:54:57,545
You should not go through...
1260
00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,463
...all this just to make him happy.
1261
00:55:00,047 --> 00:55:01,757
You're right, I don't have to.
1262
00:55:02,466 --> 00:55:03,759
I want to.
1263
00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:08,222
I want him to be happy
because I want Maria to be happy.
1264
00:55:08,389 --> 00:55:11,267
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.
1265
00:55:11,976 --> 00:55:12,727
Don't you get it?
1266
00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:15,229
I don't have to be doing this.
1267
00:55:15,771 --> 00:55:17,481
I wanna be doing this.
1268
00:55:19,275 --> 00:55:20,276
What the fuck?
1269
00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:23,279
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!
1270
00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:24,363
[BOTH YELL]
1271
00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:28,576
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!
1272
00:55:28,743 --> 00:55:29,785
You have the wrong people.
1273
00:55:29,994 --> 00:55:30,953
Wardrobe!
1274
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,748
Go! Come on, come on, come on!
Shut up!
1275
00:55:35,499 --> 00:55:38,377
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.
1276
00:55:38,544 --> 00:55:39,795
BECCA:
Go! Move!
1277
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:41,255
Fucking actors.
1278
00:55:41,422 --> 00:55:44,091
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
1279
00:55:44,258 --> 00:55:45,968
...without further ado...
1280
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:47,762
- ...the man...
- Look at these firs.
1281
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:49,472
You've all been waiting for:
1282
00:55:49,638 --> 00:55:50,973
America's sweetheart!
1283
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:51,974
[SINGING]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
1284
00:55:52,141 --> 00:55:53,142
Holy shit. Neil.
1285
00:55:53,642 --> 00:55:55,936
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
1286
00:55:56,437 --> 00:55:57,229
Dance.
1287
00:55:57,396 --> 00:55:58,230
What?
1288
00:55:58,439 --> 00:55:59,982
Blend. Blend. Blend.
1289
00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:01,067
KUMAR:
Harold. Wait!
1290
00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,819
Don we now our gay apparel
1291
00:56:04,028 --> 00:56:06,655
Fa-la-la, la-Ia-la, la-la-la
1292
00:56:06,822 --> 00:56:08,991
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
1293
00:56:09,158 --> 00:56:10,743
Fa-la-la-Ia-la, la-la
1294
00:56:11,535 --> 00:56:12,953
La-la!
1295
00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:20,503
You better watch out
You better not cry
1296
00:56:20,669 --> 00:56:23,089
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why
1297
00:56:23,255 --> 00:56:25,466
Santa Claus is comin'
1298
00:56:25,633 --> 00:56:27,259
To town
1299
00:56:27,426 --> 00:56:28,344
[GRUNTS]
1300
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:30,513
He sees you when you're sleeping
1301
00:56:30,679 --> 00:56:31,847
He knows when you're awake
1302
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:33,474
[ALL GRUNTING]
1303
00:56:34,558 --> 00:56:35,601
HAROLD:
Oh, my God!
1304
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:37,937
So be good for goodness' sake
1305
00:56:38,646 --> 00:56:40,106
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
1306
00:56:44,110 --> 00:56:47,321
Santa Claus is comin' to town
1307
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:55,663
WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]:
I played my drum for him
1308
00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:57,581
Pa rum pum pum pum
1309
00:56:59,875 --> 00:57:01,502
Then he
1310
00:57:01,669 --> 00:57:02,962
Smiled at me
1311
00:57:03,504 --> 00:57:05,172
Pa rum pum pum pum
1312
00:57:05,881 --> 00:57:07,883
Me and my drum
1313
00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:19,395
We wish you a merry Christmas
1314
00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:22,022
We wish you a merry Christmas
1315
00:57:22,481 --> 00:57:24,233
We wish you a merry Christmas
1316
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:26,694
And a happy New Year
1317
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:33,742
We wish you a merry Christmas
1318
00:57:33,909 --> 00:57:36,662
And a happy
1319
00:57:36,829 --> 00:57:41,917
New Year
1320
00:57:47,631 --> 00:57:49,258
Merry Christmas, everyone!
1321
00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:53,721
DIRECTOR:
All right, that's a cut. Great job
1322
00:57:53,888 --> 00:57:56,015
Great job.
I've just got a few notes, okay?
1323
00:57:56,182 --> 00:57:58,267
Just gonna come on the stage.
1324
00:57:58,434 --> 00:57:59,643
Oh, God.
1325
00:58:00,227 --> 00:58:01,562
Fucking tight jeans.
1326
00:58:03,272 --> 00:58:08,110
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.
1327
00:58:08,277 --> 00:58:10,070
You're a dream. I'm having...
1328
00:58:10,237 --> 00:58:13,741
...a fabulous, amazing dream
watching you perform.
1329
00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:16,160
But unfortunately...
1330
00:58:16,327 --> 00:58:19,413
...these talentless fuck butt-crackers...
1331
00:58:19,580 --> 00:58:21,624
...are ruining everything! You!
1332
00:58:21,790 --> 00:58:24,835
Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.
1333
00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:26,629
Where'd you learn to dance, honey?
1334
00:58:26,795 --> 00:58:29,423
A fucking mini-mall in Des Moines?
1335
00:58:29,757 --> 00:58:30,841
This is...
1336
00:58:31,383 --> 00:58:33,260
...the big time!
1337
00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:36,597
I will punch you in your face!
1338
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:37,932
I can run it again.
1339
00:58:38,098 --> 00:58:39,892
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
1340
00:58:40,059 --> 00:58:42,311
Go and get some rest, huh?
Make yourself fresh...
1341
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,188
...all right? Heh. And just remember...
1342
00:58:44,396 --> 00:58:47,358
...you're a dream, and I'm having
a big wet dream about you.
1343
00:58:47,608 --> 00:58:48,859
Okay? Ha, ha.
1344
00:58:49,109 --> 00:58:51,111
Take fucking five!
1345
00:58:52,446 --> 00:58:53,656
Damn it!
1346
00:58:58,285 --> 00:58:59,537
Hey, Gracie, chin up.
1347
00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:01,705
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...
1348
00:59:01,872 --> 00:59:03,791
...one-on-one rehearsing later?
GRACIE: Wait.
1349
00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:05,709
You know my name?
1350
00:59:05,876 --> 00:59:09,964
Of course. You're doing great.
I thought we could work on a thing or two.
1351
00:59:10,130 --> 00:59:12,967
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!
1352
00:59:13,175 --> 00:59:15,803
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1353
00:59:15,970 --> 00:59:18,722
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.
1354
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:23,477
You really think Neil can
get us one of those trees?
1355
00:59:23,686 --> 00:59:26,146
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.
1356
00:59:26,313 --> 00:59:27,690
No shit.
1357
00:59:28,315 --> 00:59:29,775
REPORTER:
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.
1358
00:59:29,942 --> 00:59:33,153
Hollywood Hearsay.
Is it true that you're replacing Regis?
1359
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:34,488
NEIL:
It'll be tough between...
1360
00:59:34,697 --> 00:59:37,324
...How I Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.
1361
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:40,494
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.
1362
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:43,747
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?
1363
00:59:43,914 --> 00:59:46,333
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.
1364
00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:49,336
So hot, NPH.
1365
00:59:49,503 --> 00:59:52,172
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?
1366
00:59:52,339 --> 00:59:54,008
Thank you. I love you guys.
1367
00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:55,175
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1368
00:59:55,342 --> 00:59:57,177
Ugh. What did I tell you
about using tongue?
1369
00:59:57,344 --> 00:59:59,179
You wanted it to look realistic.
1370
00:59:59,346 --> 01:00:02,099
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.
1371
01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:05,185
The only reason I put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.
1372
01:00:05,352 --> 01:00:06,687
DAVID:
Fuck this! I got a wife...
1373
01:00:06,854 --> 01:00:08,480
...and kid. I'm out of here.
1374
01:00:08,647 --> 01:00:09,690
NEIL:
Wait, man.
1375
01:00:09,857 --> 01:00:10,941
What about the stuff?
1376
01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:12,526
DAVID: What stuff?
- The stuff.
1377
01:00:12,735 --> 01:00:13,861
Give me the stuff.
1378
01:00:14,528 --> 01:00:15,362
This stuff?
1379
01:00:15,529 --> 01:00:16,447
[PANTS]
1380
01:00:16,697 --> 01:00:17,531
Oh, yeah.
1381
01:00:17,698 --> 01:00:19,199
You'd like this bag of crack.
1382
01:00:19,366 --> 01:00:20,200
Wouldn't you?
1383
01:00:20,367 --> 01:00:23,037
Well, maybe I should give it
to someone else.
1384
01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:25,205
You know I got Fred Savage
on speed dial.
1385
01:00:25,372 --> 01:00:27,541
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!
1386
01:00:27,708 --> 01:00:31,545
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.
1387
01:00:31,754 --> 01:00:33,881
- Put money in my account.
- You got it. Done.
1388
01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:36,884
- And sing at my niece's quinceañera.
- All right, I'll sing.
1389
01:00:37,051 --> 01:00:38,886
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.
1390
01:00:39,053 --> 01:00:40,054
- Fine.
- No! All right!
1391
01:00:40,262 --> 01:00:41,055
I won't fuck her!
1392
01:00:41,221 --> 01:00:42,973
Just let me have the rock.
1393
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:44,058
GRACIE:
Excuse me, Neil?
1394
01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:45,351
Oh. Oh, this is...
1395
01:00:45,517 --> 01:00:46,727
I can come back later.
1396
01:00:46,894 --> 01:00:50,147
- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just... Hi.
1397
01:00:50,314 --> 01:00:52,066
Bye-bye, sweet pea.
1398
01:00:52,232 --> 01:00:54,151
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
DAVID: Always.
1399
01:00:54,318 --> 01:00:55,569
You guys are too cute.
1400
01:00:55,778 --> 01:00:56,403
[MOUTHS] Fuck you.
1401
01:00:56,570 --> 01:00:57,237
I do love...
1402
01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,031
...that handsome man.
1403
01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:00,824
Thank you so much for this...
1404
01:01:00,991 --> 01:01:02,743
...opportunity to work with you.
1405
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:03,911
Sure. Come on in.
1406
01:01:04,078 --> 01:01:05,579
What would you like to rehearse?
1407
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:07,873
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.
1408
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,584
You seemed tense.
I thought we could loosen you up.
1409
01:01:10,793 --> 01:01:11,919
Take your sweater off.
1410
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:13,253
[CHUCKLES]
1411
01:01:13,420 --> 01:01:14,088
Oh, no, no.
1412
01:01:14,296 --> 01:01:15,506
For a massage. Heh.
1413
01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:18,092
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.
1414
01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:21,428
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, $0...
1415
01:01:21,595 --> 01:01:23,764
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a couple girlfriends.
1416
01:01:23,931 --> 01:01:24,932
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1417
01:01:25,432 --> 01:01:26,809
Now take it off.
1418
01:01:27,351 --> 01:01:28,435
Okay.
1419
01:01:32,106 --> 01:01:34,108
Why don't you lay on the bed?
1420
01:01:38,696 --> 01:01:40,114
[SNIFFS]
1421
01:01:44,284 --> 01:01:45,452
- Ow.
- Sorry.
1422
01:01:48,622 --> 01:01:49,790
[BOTH MOANING]
1423
01:01:49,957 --> 01:01:50,958
Feels good.
1424
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:52,793
Yeah, it does feel good.
1425
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,045
I can't... I can't...
1426
01:01:55,254 --> 01:01:57,881
- Can I take this bra off'?
- Um...
1427
01:01:58,132 --> 01:02:00,467
- It's okay. Girlfriends.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1428
01:02:01,135 --> 01:02:02,636
That's better.
1429
01:02:02,803 --> 01:02:04,304
Should we do something?
1430
01:02:04,471 --> 01:02:07,141
I don't know, I kind of wanna see
what happens next.
1431
01:02:07,641 --> 01:02:08,642
Feels good.
1432
01:02:08,809 --> 01:02:09,977
Oh, it's so hard.
1433
01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:12,479
This knot on your back is so hard.
1434
01:02:12,646 --> 01:02:14,314
Look, don't be alarmed...
1435
01:02:15,482 --> 01:02:19,570
...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...
1436
01:02:19,987 --> 01:02:21,321
...35 seconds.
1437
01:02:21,488 --> 01:02:22,322
Excuse me?
1438
01:02:22,489 --> 01:02:23,741
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?
1439
01:02:23,907 --> 01:02:24,992
Shut the fuck up!
1440
01:02:25,159 --> 01:02:26,326
Get the fuck off of me!
1441
01:02:26,493 --> 01:02:28,328
You like it rough? I can play that way.
1442
01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:30,164
God! I thought you were gay!
1443
01:02:30,372 --> 01:02:31,832
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.
1444
01:02:31,999 --> 01:02:33,000
Oh!
1445
01:02:33,167 --> 01:02:35,252
I don't know what sick game
you're playing...
1446
01:02:35,419 --> 01:02:37,671
...but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!
1447
01:02:37,838 --> 01:02:39,131
[LAUGHING]
1448
01:02:39,298 --> 01:02:40,174
[GRUNTS]
1449
01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:45,262
Morty, Kumar, long time.
1450
01:02:47,347 --> 01:02:49,433
It's Harold, actually.
1451
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,101
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.
1452
01:02:51,310 --> 01:02:52,519
Come on, have a seat.
1453
01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:56,190
How long has it been?
You two look great. Have you lost weight?
1454
01:02:56,398 --> 01:02:58,025
Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.
1455
01:02:58,192 --> 01:03:00,194
Well, thanks. Listen, um...
1456
01:03:00,694 --> 01:03:03,530
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
1457
01:03:04,031 --> 01:03:05,407
Shut up!
1458
01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:06,533
God, I hate this...
1459
01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,702
...fucking PancakeBot thing.
1460
01:03:08,911 --> 01:03:10,370
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.
1461
01:03:10,537 --> 01:03:11,663
They're awesome.
1462
01:03:11,830 --> 01:03:12,456
WaffleThing.
1463
01:03:12,623 --> 01:03:13,707
Get the fuck...
1464
01:03:13,916 --> 01:03:15,209
...out of my life!
1465
01:03:15,918 --> 01:03:17,544
Ouch.
1466
01:03:17,878 --> 01:03:18,962
[NEIL SIGHS]
1467
01:03:19,129 --> 01:03:20,047
Anyway...
1468
01:03:20,214 --> 01:03:22,716
...what can I do for you,
my burglars of turd?
1469
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:25,052
Time-the-fuck-out.
How are you still alive?
1470
01:03:25,219 --> 01:03:26,428
Yeah, how the fuck?
1471
01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:28,138
What are you talking about?
1472
01:03:28,305 --> 01:03:29,473
We saw you get shot.
1473
01:03:30,224 --> 01:03:31,725
You have to be more specific.
1474
01:03:31,934 --> 01:03:32,810
In that whorehouse.
1475
01:03:32,976 --> 01:03:33,560
In Texas.
1476
01:03:33,727 --> 01:03:35,145
You branded a prostitute.
1477
01:03:35,312 --> 01:03:35,896
Remember?
1478
01:03:36,230 --> 01:03:37,898
Oh, yeah!
1479
01:03:38,065 --> 01:03:40,234
Now I remember.
1480
01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:41,735
It hurt like hell...
1481
01:03:41,902 --> 01:03:42,736
at first
1482
01:03:42,903 --> 01:03:43,654
And then...
1483
01:03:43,821 --> 01:03:44,863
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
1484
01:03:45,864 --> 01:03:47,407
...everything faded away.
1485
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,243
And I went to heaven.
1486
01:03:51,078 --> 01:03:52,079
It was exactly...
1487
01:03:52,246 --> 01:03:53,247
like I imagined it
1488
01:03:53,455 --> 01:03:54,456
[CHATTERING]
1489
01:03:55,249 --> 01:03:56,416
Saint Peter was there...
1490
01:03:56,583 --> 01:03:57,584
...to meet me.
1491
01:03:57,751 --> 01:03:59,253
Whoa. No way!
1492
01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:00,963
- NPH?
- Yup.
1493
01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:04,258
ST. PETER:
Make room! Make room! VIP!
1494
01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:06,218
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1495
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:09,096
NEIL: The chicks were hot.
The music was sick.
1496
01:04:09,263 --> 01:04:10,764
There were lasers.
1497
01:04:10,973 --> 01:04:12,683
It was like being famous...
1498
01:04:12,850 --> 01:04:14,142
...in the early '90s.
1499
01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:14,977
BARTENDER:
Yeah.
1500
01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:16,019
There he is. NPH.
1501
01:04:16,353 --> 01:04:19,022
- Where the hell am I?
- More like where the heaven are you?
1502
01:04:19,189 --> 01:04:20,941
BARTENDER: What can we get for you?
NEIL & BARTENDERS: Whiskey.
1503
01:04:21,108 --> 01:04:23,193
Straight up.
And a glass of rocks on the side.
1504
01:04:24,236 --> 01:04:25,112
Thanks.
1505
01:04:25,279 --> 01:04:29,700
Hey, hey, look at that.
NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.
1506
01:04:29,867 --> 01:04:31,618
Would you guys be excited to meet him?
1507
01:04:31,785 --> 01:04:33,912
Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.
1508
01:04:34,288 --> 01:04:36,957
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.
1509
01:04:37,457 --> 01:04:38,083
Welcome to...
1510
01:04:38,250 --> 01:04:40,794
...heaven. Good to have you on board, NPH.
- Hi.
1511
01:04:40,961 --> 01:04:42,045
Or you prefer Neil?
1512
01:04:42,212 --> 01:04:44,214
Uh, either way, it doesn't matter.
Hey, ladies.
1513
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:47,801
Neil Patrick Harris.
I played Private Carl Jenkins...
1514
01:04:47,968 --> 01:04:50,137
...in Starship Troopers.
1515
01:04:50,345 --> 01:04:54,391
Excuse me, uh, Neil.
But I'm Jesus. So...
1516
01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:55,976
Jesus...?
1517
01:04:56,268 --> 01:04:58,562
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.
1518
01:04:59,146 --> 01:05:01,648
Thanks. Couldn't do it
without the little people.
1519
01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:02,566
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1520
01:05:02,733 --> 01:05:03,734
Er... No.
1521
01:05:03,901 --> 01:05:06,028
NEIL: So, ladies, have you ever heard
of something...
1522
01:05:06,194 --> 01:05:08,697
...called the Kama Sutra?
JESUS: Come on, Neil.
1523
01:05:08,864 --> 01:05:10,073
Don't play me like that.
1524
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:11,658
I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.
1525
01:05:11,825 --> 01:05:13,785
- I practically run this place.
- Oh. For reals?
1526
01:05:13,952 --> 01:05:14,912
JESUS:
Yeah, yeah, for real.
1527
01:05:15,078 --> 01:05:17,497
- I mean, my dad owns it but...
- Ha, ha. You're one of those.
1528
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,960
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.
1529
01:05:22,502 --> 01:05:24,421
- Shots.
JESUS: Yeah, thanks. Couple of shots.
1530
01:05:24,588 --> 01:05:26,715
- That went bad.
- I thought it went good.
1531
01:05:26,882 --> 01:05:27,549
JESUS:
So, girls...
1532
01:05:30,469 --> 01:05:32,220
Aw, come on.
1533
01:05:32,387 --> 01:05:33,680
How did that happen already?
1534
01:05:36,308 --> 01:05:37,517
Give me the phone to Dad.
1535
01:05:38,852 --> 01:05:40,520
GOD: This is God.
- Daddy?
1536
01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,397
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.
1537
01:05:42,564 --> 01:05:44,316
He's getting a handjob in my club.
1538
01:05:44,900 --> 01:05:46,610
[MOANS]
1539
01:05:46,777 --> 01:05:49,446
Jesus, what a cockblock.
1540
01:05:50,364 --> 01:05:51,782
Doesn't explain the gay thing.
1541
01:05:51,949 --> 01:05:53,283
You're not gay, motherfucker.
1542
01:05:53,450 --> 01:05:54,159
At all.
1543
01:05:54,326 --> 01:05:55,702
[LAUGHS]
1544
01:05:56,203 --> 01:05:58,997
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."
1545
01:05:59,206 --> 01:06:00,374
Little trick I learned...
1546
01:06:00,540 --> 01:06:01,541
...from Clay Aiken.
HAROLD: What?
1547
01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:03,126
Clay Aiken's not gay?
1548
01:06:03,293 --> 01:06:07,214
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.
That guy gets mad gash.
1549
01:06:07,381 --> 01:06:08,298
HAROLD:
Neil, listen.
1550
01:06:08,465 --> 01:06:10,217
I was wondering if...
1551
01:06:10,384 --> 01:06:12,469
I can get you one of those
Christmas trees?
1552
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:13,679
Sure, no problem.
1553
01:06:13,845 --> 01:06:14,846
How'd you know that?
1554
01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:16,974
I can read your mind.
1555
01:06:18,725 --> 01:06:19,726
KUMAR:
All right.
1556
01:06:19,893 --> 01:06:21,019
You might be able to...?
1557
01:06:21,228 --> 01:06:24,356
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.
1558
01:06:24,523 --> 01:06:25,899
I hate that android fuck.
1559
01:06:26,108 --> 01:06:28,902
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?
1560
01:06:29,069 --> 01:06:31,238
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?
1561
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,198
I hate pancakes.
1562
01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:34,241
I know, so do I.
1563
01:06:34,408 --> 01:06:36,118
Kumar.
1564
01:06:37,494 --> 01:06:38,328
Thanks, Neil.
1565
01:06:38,495 --> 01:06:39,538
- Thanks.
NEIL: No problem.
1566
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:42,541
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.
1567
01:06:44,126 --> 01:06:47,462
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.
1568
01:06:47,629 --> 01:06:49,881
- We saved Christmas, man.
KUMAR: Mission accomplished.
1569
01:06:50,048 --> 01:06:52,342
- All right, put down the tree. Put it down.
- Unh!
1570
01:06:52,551 --> 01:06:54,136
HAROLD: All right.
- Waffle break?
1571
01:06:54,344 --> 01:06:56,221
All right. Oh, God.
1572
01:06:56,388 --> 01:06:58,056
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.
1573
01:06:58,265 --> 01:06:59,349
Dude, seriously...
1574
01:06:59,516 --> 01:07:01,268
...these are incredible waffles.
1575
01:07:01,435 --> 01:07:04,062
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.
1576
01:07:04,563 --> 01:07:06,398
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot
1577
01:07:06,565 --> 01:07:08,150
I love you
1578
01:07:08,316 --> 01:07:09,985
- ...Kumar.
- Ha, ha.
1579
01:07:10,152 --> 01:07:11,528
I love you too, little guy.
1580
01:07:12,029 --> 01:07:12,738
HAROLD:
What the fuck?
1581
01:07:12,904 --> 01:07:14,448
That is the weirdest fucking toy.
1582
01:07:15,073 --> 01:07:15,907
You're happy...
1583
01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:18,535
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:
1584
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:20,620
I'm more fun to hang out with than Todd
1585
01:07:20,787 --> 01:07:23,415
Todd and Ava.
I totally forgot about them.
1586
01:07:23,915 --> 01:07:25,250
I'm sure they're fine, right?
1587
01:07:25,417 --> 01:07:26,710
It's going to voice-mail.
1588
01:07:26,877 --> 01:07:28,670
I think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.
1589
01:07:28,837 --> 01:07:30,964
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.
1590
01:07:31,173 --> 01:07:33,925
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?
1591
01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:38,555
MADEA [ON TV]:
Look at me, look at me!
1592
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:40,432
Why wasn't you at school today?
1593
01:07:40,599 --> 01:07:41,808
I went to the park.
1594
01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,060
She lying...
1595
01:07:43,310 --> 01:07:45,687
MADEA: What was you doing?
You supposed to be at school.
1596
01:07:45,854 --> 01:07:46,855
[BAG RUSTLING]
1597
01:07:47,022 --> 01:07:49,107
Little girl, I'm not gonna
ask you no more.
1598
01:07:49,316 --> 01:07:53,278
NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids.
I can't do that stuff.
1599
01:07:53,445 --> 01:07:54,988
MADEA:
Who told you that?
1600
01:07:55,197 --> 01:07:57,282
NIKKI:
My last foster mother.
1601
01:07:57,449 --> 01:08:01,411
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
1602
01:08:01,578 --> 01:08:04,498
MADEA: The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...
1603
01:08:04,664 --> 01:08:05,707
[CRUNCHING]
1604
01:08:05,874 --> 01:08:08,960
...is to prove them wrong. I went to
that school and I got your homework.
1605
01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:12,047
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Are you fucking kidding me?
1606
01:08:12,214 --> 01:08:12,964
["DECK THE HALLS"
PLAYS AS RINGTONE]
1607
01:08:13,131 --> 01:08:13,882
- Oh.
- Oh.
1608
01:08:14,424 --> 01:08:15,967
Maybe that's Todd.
1609
01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:17,969
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?
1610
01:08:18,136 --> 01:08:19,763
Oh, that's because Maria is...
1611
01:08:19,930 --> 01:08:21,139
- Hello?
VANESSA: Kumar?
1612
01:08:21,348 --> 01:08:22,432
- Is that you?
- Yeah.
1613
01:08:22,599 --> 01:08:24,142
Why are you calling Harold?
1614
01:08:24,351 --> 01:08:24,976
[SIGHS]
1615
01:08:25,143 --> 01:08:26,520
Can I just speak to him, please?
1616
01:08:26,686 --> 01:08:28,105
What? No.
1617
01:08:28,271 --> 01:08:29,481
I've been texting you.
1618
01:08:29,648 --> 01:08:31,399
I haven '1' heard back.
What's going on?
1619
01:08:31,566 --> 01:08:32,734
Tell him I'm not gonna...
1620
01:08:32,901 --> 01:08:34,486
...make it to his party tomorrow.
1621
01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:37,405
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it...
1622
01:08:37,572 --> 01:08:39,533
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.
1623
01:08:39,699 --> 01:08:41,952
What else have you been
doing behind my back?
1624
01:08:42,119 --> 01:08:44,246
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?
1625
01:08:44,412 --> 01:08:46,998
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.
1626
01:08:47,165 --> 01:08:48,959
No, don't hang up the phone on me.
1627
01:08:49,376 --> 01:08:50,502
Hello?
1628
01:08:51,878 --> 01:08:53,255
Here's your phone.
1629
01:08:53,630 --> 01:08:54,339
What is that?
1630
01:08:54,506 --> 01:08:57,008
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.
1631
01:08:57,175 --> 01:08:59,010
Does everybody know
about this party?
1632
01:08:59,177 --> 01:09:01,221
Listen, if you want you can come.
1633
01:09:01,388 --> 01:09:03,974
I don't wanna come to your
shitty-ass party, dude.
1634
01:09:04,141 --> 01:09:06,351
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.
1635
01:09:06,518 --> 01:09:08,145
Am I supposed to feel bad?
1636
01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:11,815
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.
1637
01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:14,192
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...
1638
01:09:14,401 --> 01:09:16,611
...with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.
1639
01:09:16,778 --> 01:09:18,238
I don't need to be part of this.
1640
01:09:18,405 --> 01:09:19,698
I love those sconces.
1641
01:09:19,906 --> 01:09:22,367
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.
1642
01:09:22,534 --> 01:09:24,327
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.
1643
01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:25,954
- I'm out.
- Fine with me.
1644
01:09:26,121 --> 01:09:26,663
Fine.
1645
01:09:26,830 --> 01:09:28,039
- Cool.
- All right.
1646
01:09:28,206 --> 01:09:30,208
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
- Oh, shit.
1647
01:09:30,959 --> 01:09:32,127
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
1648
01:09:35,922 --> 01:09:39,217
Kumar, my friend.
1649
01:09:42,179 --> 01:09:43,430
Oh, look.
1650
01:09:43,597 --> 01:09:44,472
A WaffleBot.
1651
01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:45,307
GUSTAV:
Mary would...
1652
01:09:45,473 --> 01:09:46,892
...love one of these.
- Uh-huh.
1653
01:09:47,058 --> 01:09:48,226
GUSTAV:
Grab it.
1654
01:09:48,435 --> 01:09:50,061
Oh, crap.
1655
01:09:55,734 --> 01:09:56,943
GUSTAV:
Wake up!
1656
01:09:57,944 --> 01:10:00,238
Wake up! Wake up!
1657
01:10:00,947 --> 01:10:02,115
Wake up.
1658
01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:05,327
- Wake up.
- Oh.
1659
01:10:05,577 --> 01:10:07,120
Oh, shit.
1660
01:10:07,329 --> 01:10:10,081
Please, I don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.
1661
01:10:10,248 --> 01:10:12,584
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?
1662
01:10:12,751 --> 01:10:14,085
That was a misunderstanding.
1663
01:10:14,252 --> 01:10:16,213
I'm freezing!
Give us back our clothes.
1664
01:10:16,379 --> 01:10:18,256
Yuri, warm them up.
1665
01:10:22,886 --> 01:10:24,971
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.
1666
01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:26,264
KUMAR:
Please don't do that.
1667
01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:29,726
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...
1668
01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:32,103
...in the world. Let's discuss.
- Come on, man!
1669
01:10:32,270 --> 01:10:35,065
As they say in my country:
1670
01:10:35,232 --> 01:10:36,316
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
1671
01:10:36,483 --> 01:10:37,984
No, don't say "do svidaniya."
1672
01:10:38,151 --> 01:10:40,153
Yuri, light them up.
1673
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,988
No, please don't light us up.
1674
01:10:48,578 --> 01:10:50,080
You didn't get the lighter.
1675
01:10:50,288 --> 01:10:53,708
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.
1676
01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:55,085
Nothing about lighter.
1677
01:10:55,502 --> 01:10:57,295
GUSTAV:
You stupid...
1678
01:10:57,504 --> 01:11:00,340
...fucking moron!
1679
01:11:00,507 --> 01:11:02,842
What do you think
we light the gasoline with?
1680
01:11:03,009 --> 01:11:04,094
You know what, Gustav?
1681
01:11:04,427 --> 01:11:08,348
I'm sick and tired of your fucking
passive-aggressive bullshit.
1682
01:11:08,556 --> 01:11:10,558
- You know what this is about?
- What?
1683
01:11:10,725 --> 01:11:12,060
Tell me what is it about.
1684
01:11:12,227 --> 01:11:16,189
You can't take the fact that
Sergei likes me better than you.
1685
01:11:18,942 --> 01:11:19,651
Oh, shit.
1686
01:11:20,193 --> 01:11:21,528
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
1687
01:11:23,196 --> 01:11:24,322
[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
1688
01:11:30,870 --> 01:11:31,621
Hey, guys, stop!
1689
01:11:31,788 --> 01:11:34,082
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it
1690
01:11:35,500 --> 01:11:38,795
Now, look, I understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?
1691
01:11:39,129 --> 01:11:43,091
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...
1692
01:11:43,258 --> 01:11:46,845
...a different time and place, but that
doesn't change the fact that you...
1693
01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:49,848
...have a long and probably
beautiful history together.
1694
01:11:51,641 --> 01:11:55,228
Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up
every now and again.
1695
01:11:55,729 --> 01:11:56,980
Happens.
1696
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:59,524
Maybe he fucks up all the time.
1697
01:12:00,233 --> 01:12:02,861
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.
1698
01:12:03,236 --> 01:12:04,404
Right.
1699
01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:07,657
Right.
1700
01:12:07,824 --> 01:12:12,746
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one.
1701
01:12:12,912 --> 01:12:14,789
...Is trying to act like an adult...
1702
01:12:14,956 --> 01:12:17,667
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...
1703
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:19,836
...that he's being a fucking chode.
1704
01:12:20,378 --> 01:12:23,965
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...
1705
01:12:24,132 --> 01:12:26,551
...and sconces
than a lifetime of friendship.
1706
01:12:28,762 --> 01:12:29,763
What do you say, GUYS?
1707
01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:33,099
[SOBBING]
1708
01:12:35,268 --> 01:12:36,895
- Yeah, hug it out.
- All right.
1709
01:12:37,604 --> 01:12:38,271
He)', guys.
1710
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,273
How about you cut us out?
1711
01:12:40,523 --> 01:12:42,567
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.
1712
01:12:42,776 --> 01:12:44,652
- A beer sounds great.
HAROLD: Awesome.
1713
01:12:45,070 --> 01:12:46,071
[CHUCKLES]
1714
01:12:46,279 --> 01:12:47,238
GUSTAV:
But first...
1715
01:12:47,405 --> 01:12:49,032
...we have some killing to do.
1716
01:12:49,199 --> 01:12:49,866
Come on!
1717
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,743
After we just had that breakthrough?
1718
01:12:51,910 --> 01:12:55,288
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.
1719
01:12:57,582 --> 01:12:59,918
- Is this how we die'?
- I think so, dude.
1720
01:13:01,586 --> 01:13:02,587
Bye, Kumar.
1721
01:13:03,671 --> 01:13:05,048
Bye, Harold.
1722
01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:06,716
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.
1723
01:13:06,883 --> 01:13:08,093
Your waffles...
1724
01:13:08,301 --> 01:13:09,803
- ...are ready.
- WaffleBot?
1725
01:13:11,554 --> 01:13:13,932
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.
1726
01:13:14,307 --> 01:13:15,433
I hate...
1727
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:17,185
pancakes.
1728
01:13:21,189 --> 01:13:22,857
[GUN CLICKING]
1729
01:13:23,316 --> 01:13:24,776
They serve pancakes...
1730
01:13:24,943 --> 01:13:26,820
...in hell...
1731
01:13:28,655 --> 01:13:29,197
[SCREAMS]
1732
01:13:29,364 --> 01:13:29,906
Ooh!
1733
01:13:32,951 --> 01:13:34,160
BOTH:
Holy shit!
1734
01:13:34,327 --> 01:13:35,703
You hurt my brother!
1735
01:13:37,539 --> 01:13:38,623
[GROANS THEN YELLS]
1736
01:13:40,583 --> 01:13:41,251
[GRUNTS]
1737
01:13:41,418 --> 01:13:42,836
[BOTH LAUGH]
1738
01:13:43,044 --> 01:13:43,711
KUMAR:
Whoo!
1739
01:13:43,878 --> 01:13:44,587
[GRUNTS]
1740
01:13:44,754 --> 01:13:46,923
- How do we get out of these ropes?
- WaffleBot.
1741
01:13:47,090 --> 01:13:48,967
Kumar.
1742
01:13:49,467 --> 01:13:51,010
Can you untie us?
1743
01:13:51,219 --> 01:13:52,262
Battery low
1744
01:13:52,429 --> 01:13:53,888
Losing...
1745
01:13:54,055 --> 01:13:55,181
...power.
1746
01:13:55,348 --> 01:13:56,391
WaffleBot, look at me.
1747
01:13:56,558 --> 01:13:57,642
You can do this, man.
1748
01:14:09,571 --> 01:14:12,449
- Ha, ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.
1749
01:14:13,158 --> 01:14:14,868
You're welcome, Kumar.
1750
01:14:15,034 --> 01:14:20,290
Pancakes are fucking gay.
1751
01:14:22,876 --> 01:14:25,670
Holy shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.
1752
01:14:26,129 --> 01:14:27,797
HAROLD:
I guess. It's extraordinarily...
1753
01:14:27,964 --> 01:14:30,300
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.
1754
01:14:31,885 --> 01:14:33,428
- Listen, man, I...
- Man, this...
1755
01:14:33,595 --> 01:14:35,638
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.
1756
01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:37,891
Holy shit!
1757
01:14:38,516 --> 01:14:39,517
This is like that...
1758
01:14:39,684 --> 01:14:41,186
...scene from A Christmas Story.
1759
01:14:41,394 --> 01:14:43,521
Is it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?
1760
01:14:43,688 --> 01:14:45,023
I just saw this scene.
1761
01:14:45,190 --> 01:14:45,899
[HAROLD GRUNTING]
1762
01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,151
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...
1763
01:14:48,318 --> 01:14:50,862
...some sort of a warm liquid.
I'll spit on it.
1764
01:14:51,029 --> 01:14:52,739
Don't fucking spit on my dick!
1765
01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:54,157
Fine. Can you pee on it?
1766
01:14:54,407 --> 01:14:55,909
Give me a second.
1767
01:14:56,659 --> 01:14:58,536
- It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.
1768
01:14:58,703 --> 01:14:59,787
Don't pee on me!
1769
01:14:59,954 --> 01:15:01,414
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do...?
1770
01:15:01,581 --> 01:15:03,917
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.
1771
01:15:04,083 --> 01:15:05,376
Cool about the clothes.
1772
01:15:05,543 --> 01:15:07,420
My dick's stuck to a pole!
1773
01:15:09,756 --> 01:15:12,258
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.
1774
01:15:12,425 --> 01:15:14,135
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!
1775
01:15:14,302 --> 01:15:16,513
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.
1776
01:15:16,679 --> 01:15:20,391
So I'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.
1777
01:15:20,558 --> 01:15:21,976
- Get it over with!
- All right.
1778
01:15:22,185 --> 01:15:23,311
Just let me just...
1779
01:15:24,062 --> 01:15:24,938
[SCREAMING]
1780
01:15:25,188 --> 01:15:26,064
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1781
01:15:26,231 --> 01:15:27,398
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!
1782
01:15:27,565 --> 01:15:29,067
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!
1783
01:15:29,234 --> 01:15:30,401
You asshole!
1784
01:15:30,568 --> 01:15:31,861
Just walk it off.
1785
01:15:32,028 --> 01:15:33,530
Walk it off.
1786
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:39,494
[WHISPERS] How long are we supposed
to stay in here?
1787
01:15:39,702 --> 01:15:42,330
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...
1788
01:15:42,497 --> 01:15:43,748
...killing machine leaves.
1789
01:15:47,335 --> 01:15:49,754
They gave my daughter ecstasy.
1790
01:15:49,963 --> 01:15:51,214
[IN RUSSIAN]
1791
01:15:51,381 --> 01:15:53,758
I don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.
1792
01:15:53,967 --> 01:15:55,343
I'd say so. Shh, shh!
1793
01:15:55,718 --> 01:15:56,928
ADRIAN:
She's crashing hard.
1794
01:15:57,095 --> 01:15:58,680
We gotta give her more blow.
1795
01:15:58,846 --> 01:16:00,098
No, no! No more cocaine!
1796
01:16:00,265 --> 01:16:01,140
I need it!
1797
01:16:01,307 --> 01:16:03,351
- There's some.
- Do not give her more!
1798
01:16:03,518 --> 01:16:04,602
Give it to me!
1799
01:16:04,769 --> 01:16:05,812
TODD:
Ava, no! No, please!
1800
01:16:05,979 --> 01:16:07,480
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!
1801
01:16:07,981 --> 01:16:09,107
ADRIAN:
Dude, look.
1802
01:16:09,274 --> 01:16:10,275
Oh, this is not good!
1803
01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:11,526
Oh, this is not good.
1804
01:16:11,734 --> 01:16:12,777
Oh, this is not good!
1805
01:16:13,278 --> 01:16:15,613
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!
1806
01:16:15,780 --> 01:16:17,949
ADRIAN:
New plan. Let's bash through the door.
1807
01:16:18,116 --> 01:16:19,117
You steal his gun.
1808
01:16:19,284 --> 01:16:21,286
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!
1809
01:16:35,508 --> 01:16:36,134
[SNIFFS]
1810
01:16:38,636 --> 01:16:39,721
[GRUNTS]
1811
01:16:43,057 --> 01:16:43,766
TODD:
Yah!
1812
01:16:44,559 --> 01:16:47,020
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm...
1813
01:16:48,563 --> 01:16:49,856
I'm so sorry. Wow.
1814
01:16:50,023 --> 01:16:52,650
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.
1815
01:16:52,817 --> 01:16:53,985
Look. We are...
1816
01:16:54,152 --> 01:16:55,403
...two reasonable guys...
1817
01:16:55,570 --> 01:16:57,280
...and...
1818
01:16:57,447 --> 01:16:58,781
[OBJECT THUMPS]
1819
01:16:59,574 --> 01:17:00,325
[THUDS]
1820
01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,829
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.
1821
01:17:05,038 --> 01:17:06,998
You can really feel it.
1822
01:17:07,165 --> 01:17:09,876
Bis, pecs, this one.
1823
01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:11,711
TODD:
Thank you, Adrian.
1824
01:17:11,878 --> 01:17:13,713
That was a really great team effort.
1825
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,673
Who's my sidekick? You are.
1826
01:17:15,840 --> 01:17:16,466
Let's go.
1827
01:17:16,633 --> 01:17:19,552
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.
1828
01:17:19,927 --> 01:17:20,678
Oh, mints!
1829
01:17:22,764 --> 01:17:23,556
Mm.
1830
01:17:25,683 --> 01:17:27,185
HAROLD:
Where the fuck are we?
1831
01:17:27,352 --> 01:17:30,063
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1832
01:17:31,689 --> 01:17:32,815
Do you have any bars?
1833
01:17:33,232 --> 01:17:35,360
- I got no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.
1834
01:17:35,818 --> 01:17:37,070
Hello?
1835
01:17:38,696 --> 01:17:40,365
Anybody here?
1836
01:17:41,115 --> 01:17:42,367
Forget it. Just...
1837
01:17:42,867 --> 01:17:44,202
Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.
1838
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:47,205
They're home, wondering where I am,
where the tree is.
1839
01:17:47,372 --> 01:17:48,581
I just...
1840
01:17:49,374 --> 01:17:51,417
It's such a disaster, this fucking night.
1841
01:17:51,584 --> 01:17:53,544
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.
1842
01:17:53,711 --> 01:17:54,962
No. When Maria's dad...
1843
01:17:55,129 --> 01:17:57,632
...was a young boy in Medellin-
- Vanessa's pregnant.
1844
01:17:58,091 --> 01:17:59,217
What?
1845
01:17:59,384 --> 01:18:02,136
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.
1846
01:18:02,970 --> 01:18:05,556
I thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why I quit.
1847
01:18:05,723 --> 01:18:08,142
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.
1848
01:18:08,351 --> 01:18:10,436
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?
1849
01:18:10,728 --> 01:18:12,146
Yeah, that's why I...
1850
01:18:13,606 --> 01:18:17,068
We've been trying for like a...
For a year.
1851
01:18:17,235 --> 01:18:18,569
Oh, man.
1852
01:18:18,736 --> 01:18:20,863
Now I feel even worse about your dick.
1853
01:18:21,114 --> 01:18:22,281
I don't wanna...
1854
01:18:22,448 --> 01:18:23,616
How do we get out?
1855
01:18:26,244 --> 01:18:27,245
I got an idea.
1856
01:18:30,123 --> 01:18:31,582
I saw this in a movie, man.
1857
01:18:31,749 --> 01:18:34,127
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.
1858
01:18:34,293 --> 01:18:35,294
We can find people.
1859
01:18:35,461 --> 01:18:37,755
No, it's fine. Aah!
1860
01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:42,468
Now what?
1861
01:18:43,136 --> 01:18:44,262
I don't know.
1862
01:18:44,971 --> 01:18:46,305
[MAN GROANING]
1863
01:18:48,141 --> 01:18:49,475
No fucking way.
1864
01:18:59,944 --> 01:19:01,279
Santa, can you hear me?
1865
01:19:01,446 --> 01:19:02,947
Oh, what the fuck?
1866
01:19:03,156 --> 01:19:06,659
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.
I'm gonna take a closer look.
1867
01:19:08,536 --> 01:19:09,162
Oh, God!
1868
01:19:09,328 --> 01:19:10,163
This isn't good.
1869
01:19:10,329 --> 01:19:11,664
Mr. Claus, can you feel...
1870
01:19:11,831 --> 01:19:12,498
...any of this?
1871
01:19:12,665 --> 01:19:13,666
[BOTH YELL]
1872
01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:15,626
SANTA:
Just let me die, please!
1873
01:19:15,793 --> 01:19:17,170
Let me die in peace!
1874
01:19:17,336 --> 01:19:20,006
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.
1875
01:19:20,173 --> 01:19:22,842
Listen to me. I need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...
1876
01:19:23,009 --> 01:19:25,219
...get as many medical supplies
as you can.
1877
01:19:35,688 --> 01:19:36,814
Oh, God!
1878
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:39,859
Aah!
1879
01:19:42,820 --> 01:19:44,238
KUMAR:
Ah, there.
1880
01:19:44,572 --> 01:19:45,740
I think that'll do it.
1881
01:19:45,990 --> 01:19:47,241
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?
1882
01:19:47,450 --> 01:19:49,327
Uh, a little woozy.
1883
01:19:49,494 --> 01:19:51,078
The morphine. It'll wear off.
1884
01:19:51,245 --> 01:19:53,456
Nice. But I...
1885
01:19:53,623 --> 01:19:54,582
...think I'm okay.
1886
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:57,960
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.
1887
01:19:58,127 --> 01:20:00,379
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.
1888
01:20:00,546 --> 01:20:02,799
You two have always been good boys.
1889
01:20:03,591 --> 01:20:05,176
Tell that to my father-in-law.
1890
01:20:05,343 --> 01:20:08,179
Hey, man, I can take the blame
for that, all right?
1891
01:20:08,346 --> 01:20:10,389
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...
1892
01:20:10,556 --> 01:20:13,643
...but I'm running a little late
and I have all these...
1893
01:20:13,810 --> 01:20:15,686
...presents to deliver.
1894
01:20:15,853 --> 01:20:17,855
So you guys need a ride
or something?
1895
01:20:18,356 --> 01:20:19,482
Seriously?
1896
01:20:19,941 --> 01:20:22,193
KUMAR:
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!
1897
01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:24,028
It's not not awesome!
1898
01:20:24,737 --> 01:20:25,988
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1899
01:20:26,572 --> 01:20:27,824
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
1900
01:20:28,574 --> 01:20:30,243
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
1901
01:20:37,792 --> 01:20:39,293
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
1902
01:20:41,921 --> 01:20:43,089
Thanks for the ride.
1903
01:20:43,756 --> 01:20:44,549
I'm guessing...
1904
01:20:44,757 --> 01:20:46,884
...you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?
1905
01:20:47,134 --> 01:20:48,636
Sorry. I can't help you there.
1906
01:20:49,136 --> 01:20:49,887
Besides...
1907
01:20:50,054 --> 01:20:51,556
...I gave you your present.
1908
01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:53,391
- You did?
SANTA: Yes.
1909
01:20:53,558 --> 01:20:54,767
You got my package, right?
1910
01:20:54,934 --> 01:20:55,601
The joint?
1911
01:20:56,143 --> 01:20:57,395
- That was you?
SANTA: Yeah.
1912
01:20:57,562 --> 01:21:00,273
It was my little way of bringing
you boys back together.
1913
01:21:02,942 --> 01:21:03,609
Dude...
1914
01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:06,153
...I'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.
1915
01:21:06,404 --> 01:21:08,114
Won't be a party unless you're there.
1916
01:21:08,281 --> 01:21:10,408
It's about fucking time, Roldy.
1917
01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:12,577
I wouldn't miss it, man.
1918
01:21:16,330 --> 01:21:19,083
By the way, for what it's worth...
1919
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,918
...you'd make a great dad.
1920
01:21:22,420 --> 01:21:23,170
SANTA:
Well, I guess...
1921
01:21:23,337 --> 01:21:25,548
...this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good boy...
1922
01:21:25,715 --> 01:21:26,591
...next year.
1923
01:21:26,799 --> 01:21:27,758
All right.
1924
01:21:27,925 --> 01:21:30,970
No more jerking off into a sock
filled with baby powder.
1925
01:21:31,304 --> 01:21:33,973
- I...
SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.
1926
01:21:34,140 --> 01:21:35,766
I'm just teasing you.
1927
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:37,268
I do it too.
1928
01:21:37,435 --> 01:21:38,102
[LAUGHS]
1929
01:21:40,813 --> 01:21:45,651
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1930
01:21:48,321 --> 01:21:50,323
Merry Christmas, Roldy!
1931
01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:02,710
MR. PEREZ:
Where's the tree?
1932
01:22:08,883 --> 01:22:09,634
It's, um...
1933
01:22:10,343 --> 01:22:12,386
Okay, what happened is that, um...
1934
01:22:13,346 --> 01:22:14,680
You said you were going to...
1935
01:22:14,847 --> 01:22:17,475
...take care of it.
Now where's the tree?
1936
01:22:17,642 --> 01:22:20,144
What happened to the tree is, uh...
1937
01:22:21,103 --> 01:22:22,521
...I kind of burned it down.
1938
01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:26,359
That tree was a Perez...
1939
01:22:26,525 --> 01:22:28,194
...family tradition.
1940
01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:30,363
You ruined Christmas!
1941
01:22:30,613 --> 01:22:32,740
Ha, ha. I ruined your...?
1942
01:22:32,907 --> 01:22:34,408
You ruined my Christmas, man!
1943
01:22:34,867 --> 01:22:37,161
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?
1944
01:22:37,370 --> 01:22:40,998
Uh, I inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.
1945
01:22:41,165 --> 01:22:44,710
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.
1946
01:22:44,877 --> 01:22:46,420
I was drugged by...
1947
01:22:46,587 --> 01:22:49,757
...asshole teenagers. Then I danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.
1948
01:22:49,924 --> 01:22:51,842
And I'm a terrible dancer.
1949
01:22:52,009 --> 01:22:53,552
I almost had my dick ripped off.
1950
01:22:53,928 --> 01:22:55,096
And then I shot...
1951
01:22:55,262 --> 01:22:59,016
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.
1952
01:22:59,183 --> 01:22:59,934
Why?
1953
01:23:01,018 --> 01:23:02,228
Because I wanted you...
1954
01:23:02,395 --> 01:23:05,064
...to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.
1955
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:07,024
Now, here's a newsflash:
1956
01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:09,151
This is my house.
1957
01:23:09,318 --> 01:23:11,362
Maria is my wife.
1958
01:23:11,529 --> 01:23:14,532
And if you want to be in our family...
1959
01:23:14,782 --> 01:23:17,410
...you best show me some
fucking respect.
1960
01:23:20,037 --> 01:23:21,247
Is that too much?
1961
01:23:23,791 --> 01:23:24,792
I like it.
1962
01:23:24,959 --> 01:23:26,419
- Really?
- Look.
1963
01:23:26,711 --> 01:23:28,796
I always knew you were a nice guy.
1964
01:23:29,046 --> 01:23:31,424
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.
1965
01:23:31,590 --> 01:23:32,925
I didn't want her to be...
1966
01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:34,719
...with some wimpy pussy.
1967
01:23:35,720 --> 01:23:36,679
But you
1968
01:23:36,846 --> 01:23:38,681
You showed me you got cojones.
1969
01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:39,724
Testicles, right?
1970
01:23:41,058 --> 01:23:42,059
Rosetta Stone.
1971
01:23:43,436 --> 01:23:44,937
- You know what?
- What's that?
1972
01:23:45,312 --> 01:23:46,772
This coming Easter...
1973
01:23:48,232 --> 01:23:49,984
...you guys come to my house.
1974
01:23:50,192 --> 01:23:53,404
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.
1975
01:23:53,571 --> 01:23:54,238
Mr. Perez.
1976
01:23:54,447 --> 01:23:55,489
Mr. Perez.
1977
01:23:55,656 --> 01:23:56,657
[GULPS]
1978
01:24:08,961 --> 01:24:10,129
KUMAR:
Fuck!
1979
01:24:11,130 --> 01:24:11,797
Kumar!
1980
01:24:11,964 --> 01:24:12,923
Jesus!
1981
01:24:13,090 --> 01:24:17,428
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.
1982
01:24:17,595 --> 01:24:19,847
What...? What are you doing?
You can't just...
1983
01:24:20,014 --> 01:24:21,348
Hold on. There's something...
1984
01:24:21,515 --> 01:24:22,933
...I need to say to you, okay?
1985
01:24:23,100 --> 01:24:26,479
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.
1986
01:24:27,021 --> 01:24:29,315
The more I think about it,
the more excited I am.
1987
01:24:29,774 --> 01:24:31,317
I mean, I love kids.
1988
01:24:31,734 --> 01:24:33,277
That's because you are a kid.
1989
01:24:33,486 --> 01:24:37,198
I know. But... Look, if you
give me another chance...
1990
01:24:37,364 --> 01:24:41,869
...I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.
1991
01:24:42,036 --> 01:24:43,704
I'll even quit weed if I have to.
1992
01:24:43,871 --> 01:24:45,122
You'd quit weed?
1993
01:24:45,289 --> 01:24:47,875
Of course. I would do anything for you.
1994
01:24:48,042 --> 01:24:50,836
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...
1995
01:24:51,003 --> 01:24:53,297
...it made me realize
how important you are to me.
1996
01:24:53,506 --> 01:24:56,008
I wish I would've realized that sooner.
1997
01:24:56,342 --> 01:24:57,802
You don't have to do this.
1998
01:24:58,803 --> 01:25:00,513
I know I don't have to.
1999
01:25:01,347 --> 01:25:02,681
I want to.
2000
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:09,522
Do me a favor.
2001
01:25:09,688 --> 01:25:10,815
Yeah, anything.
2002
01:25:13,317 --> 01:25:14,652
Don't quit weed.
2003
01:25:14,819 --> 01:25:16,070
What?
2004
01:25:16,278 --> 01:25:19,073
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...
2005
01:25:19,281 --> 01:25:20,407
...use my pee.
2006
01:25:21,408 --> 01:25:22,535
I love you.
2007
01:25:23,035 --> 01:25:24,328
I love you too.
2008
01:25:29,041 --> 01:25:31,418
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.
2009
01:25:31,585 --> 01:25:32,795
[VANESSA CHUCKLING]
2010
01:25:46,559 --> 01:25:48,352
MARIA:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
2011
01:25:48,561 --> 01:25:50,437
Harold! Wake up! Baby.
2012
01:25:51,939 --> 01:25:54,108
- It's pink.
- Oh, my God.
2013
01:25:54,316 --> 01:25:56,443
- It's pink.
- It's a miracle.
2014
01:25:57,194 --> 01:25:58,237
It's a miracle.
2015
01:25:58,404 --> 01:25:59,446
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
2016
01:25:59,613 --> 01:26:00,698
MR. PEREZ:
It's a miracle!
2017
01:26:00,865 --> 01:26:02,116
It's a miracle!
2018
01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:05,202
Isn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?
2019
01:26:05,703 --> 01:26:07,746
I came downstairs this morning...
2020
01:26:07,913 --> 01:26:09,373
...and here she was.
2021
01:26:13,711 --> 01:26:14,879
God bless us, everyone!
2022
01:26:15,588 --> 01:26:17,173
[ALL GASP]
2023
01:26:19,091 --> 01:26:21,343
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
2024
01:27:45,010 --> 01:27:48,430
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
2025
01:27:48,597 --> 01:27:50,266
[LAUGHS]
2026
01:36:11,016 --> 01:36:13,018
[English - US - SDH]143550
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof