Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:05,047
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,137
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,560
- We all have a blind spot
for our parents.
5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,354
We want to believe they're perfect,
6
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,939
but the truth is--
SOPHIE'S SON [on video]: Oh wow,
7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,191
are you finally
admitting you have flaws?
8
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,402
- [laughs] No, I'm talking about
other people's parents.
9
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,405
I am perfect. Now, stop interrupting.
10
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743
- Great! Okay, I'll see you tonight.
11
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,081
- Ooh! Was that Drew?
12
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,749
- [laughs] Yes.
13
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,751
He invited me to game night
with his friends.
14
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,462
- Mm! Look at you.
15
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:46,922
- Okay, can you just do normal vowels?
16
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,758
- This is a big step in the relationship.
17
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,803
Meeting his friends,
pretending to like game nights.
18
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,763
- No, this is not a big step.
19
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,849
Ha!
- Knock, knock!
20
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,309
[laughs]
- Mom! Hey!
21
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,604
What are you doing here?
- [scoffs] What do you think?
22
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,274
Honey, I wouldn't miss your birthday.
23
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,859
- Ah.
24
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,569
My birthday was a week ago.
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,904
- Well, it was supposed to be today.
26
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,698
It's not my fault you came early.
27
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,491
Actually, it's a little my fault.
28
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:16,285
They say sex in the third trimester
29
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,245
can really move things along.
30
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,288
- On the plus side,
31
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,999
I got to see Woody Harrelson's
penis from the inside.
32
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:24,960
- He came early, too.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,545
- Oh, Mom!
34
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,131
- This is the worst episode
of Gilmore Girls ever.
35
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,342
- Come on! We're going to brunch.
You can meet my friends.
36
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,095
But, you cannot hit on Val's
hot British boyfriend.
37
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,680
- I would never.
38
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,850
- You remind me of a young Sting.
39
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,059
[sniffing]
40
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,811
And you smell like him, too.
41
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,021
- Mom.
42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,565
- Uh, how do you know
what Sting smells like?
43
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,483
- Oh, honey, I know
what all the greats smell like.
44
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,153
I made the most of my modeling days,
45
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,446
back when I modeled.
46
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,281
I used to be a model.
47
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,033
- Wait, were you a model?
48
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,703
- So, this is a new Bloody recipe.
49
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:01,163
Just let me know what you, uh...
50
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,792
[awkwardly]: Hello.
SOPHIE: Oh, Sid.
51
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:06,710
This is my mom.
52
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,297
- Uh... I... just realized
53
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,341
I only put one olive in these.
[forced laugh]
54
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,301
What is this? The Oliveless Garden?
55
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,722
- That was weird, right?
56
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,933
Someone should go ask him if he's okay.
- Totally.
57
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,352
VALENTINA/JESSE/CHARLIE:
Not it!
58
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:25,395
- Uh, Mom, tonight I have game night,
but tomorrow,
59
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,272
do you wanna do that thing
where we go to Times Square
60
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,149
and we tell tourists wrong directions?
61
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,069
- But I'm only here till tomorrow,
62
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,112
and I want you to meet
my new boyfriend, Ash.
63
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,406
- Oh. Hm.
64
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:37,908
There's a new boyfriend?
65
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,160
- Yeah, he and his band
have a show tonight in Brooklyn,
66
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,829
and then we're off to Austria
for his European tour.
67
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,206
So, you got to come meet him tonight.
68
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,374
- Sophie can't go.
69
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,417
Like she said, she's got plans.
70
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,545
- It's fine. I'll be there.
71
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:51,630
- Great! You'll love him.
72
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,716
Oh, I got to go. I have cryotherapy.
73
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,468
Hey, you should all try it.
74
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,512
Keep it cold, it won't get old.
75
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,347
I will see you tonight.
You're all invited.
76
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,810
- There we go, all better.
77
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,104
And look at that. Darn. Oh.
78
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,064
I missed Sophie's mother.
CHARLIE: Your loss.
79
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:12,067
She's a delight. If you name a rock star,
she's probably smelled them.
80
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,113
- She is the best. Which is...
81
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,157
why it's such a bummer
she chooses the worst guys.
82
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,494
And then they blow up her life,
and I have to pick up the pieces.
83
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,496
I guess I'm going to be convincing her
84
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,583
to dump this musician before
she winds up stranded in Vienna,
85
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,877
sobbing in her schnitzel.
86
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,545
Anybody want to keep me company?
87
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,965
- Of course. Babe?
- Hm?
88
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,009
Well, I had set aside tonight
89
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,303
to try and figure out what to do
with the rest of my life.
90
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,888
It's gonna get pathetic,
spending my days
91
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,098
swapping recipes with
the old yentas in our building.
92
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,100
ELLEN:
Well, I'm in.
93
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,770
Right after I watch The Good Fight
starring my queen, Christine Baranski.
94
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,064
- I wouldn't miss it.
[ringtone]
95
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,942
- Oh. Great. Show's at the Happy Idiot.
96
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,277
- I'm missing it.
97
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,030
I-I-I-- The Happy Idiot
is where I proposed to Meredith.
98
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,282
I can't ever go back.
I'd be way too traumatized.
99
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,701
- Yep. I can't go either,
out of solidarity with Jesse.
100
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,203
- No, that's fine--
- No, no!
101
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,456
Solidarity.
102
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,627
- Okay, someone really needs
to go talk to him now.
103
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,545
ALL: Not it!
JESSE: Not it! Oh...
104
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,797
♪
105
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:18,342
- Jesse, I have wonderful news for you.
106
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,261
I have finally figured out my calling.
107
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,765
I have decided to help
those suffering from trauma.
108
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,725
And you are going to be my first patient!
109
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,268
- Okay, slow down.
110
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,145
How did you figure out
this was your calling?
111
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,855
- A wonderful question, patient.
112
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,649
You see, my rarefied upbringing
113
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:36,610
has left me with virtually
no practical life skills,
114
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,404
but no one has had more therapy than I.
115
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,822
- Oh, I didn't know you were in therapy.
116
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,866
- [sighs] Was I ever!
117
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,869
See, when I was a boy,
118
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,996
my mother caught me
talking to one of her wigs.
119
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,957
She put me in therapy shortly after,
120
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,375
and Dr. Wallace helped me realize the wigs
121
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,502
were just a substitute
for my mother's affection.
122
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,754
And I haven't had a conversation
with a wig in months.
123
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,172
- Wait, months?
- And now,
124
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,674
I'm going to pour
everything I've learned
125
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:01,426
into healing others. Jesse,
126
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,928
you are a traumatized mess.
127
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,473
You can't go to the Happy Idiot.
You call yourself a musician,
128
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,934
but you haven't played
that keyboard since I met you.
129
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:09,977
I mean, look at it!
130
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,020
Begging to be touched.
131
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,149
Like one of my mother's long,
silky Saturday night wigs.
132
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,402
- Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...
133
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,821
Why the hell not?
Alright, take your best shot.
134
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:21,864
- Great!
135
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,907
We will start with exposure therapy.
136
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,827
Jesse, when was the last time
you watched this viral video of yours?
137
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,288
- Oh, I've never seen it.
I'd be way too traumatized.
138
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,789
- Well, that's where we'll start.
- All cued up.
139
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:33,542
- Wait, you have it bookmarked?
- Yeah, of course.
140
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,169
You're my best friend.
141
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,588
♪
142
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,173
- Alexa, play The Good Fight.
143
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,968
ALEXA:
Here's The Good Fight.
144
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,094
- Thanks, boo.
145
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,223
Got my Baranski, got my BLT.
146
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:51,602
Everything's coming up Ellen.
147
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,938
Aw!
148
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,064
[sighs]
149
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,025
This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!
150
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,401
[sighs]
151
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,116
♪ scheming music ♪
152
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,330
[quiet chatter]
153
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,348
- Save some for the rest of us.
154
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,516
- Oh, I'm sorry.
155
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:34,102
- No, I'm kidding. Go nuts.
My grandma would be happy.
156
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,771
She hated wasted food.
157
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,023
She also hated smartphones,
slow waiters,
158
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,399
and Zooey Deschanel's whole vibe.
159
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,110
I'm Rachel. I make jokes when I'm sad.
160
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,322
- I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders,
Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.
161
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,075
- These are from my favorite brunch spot.
162
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,453
They get all of their produce
from this biodynamic farm upstate.
163
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,749
Sorry, I'm kind of a produce nerd.
You don't care about this.
164
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,251
- Yes, I do.
165
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:58,877
I own a lettuce farm.
166
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,170
- No way.
167
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,467
So, how did you know my grandmother?
168
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,802
ELLEN:
Great question.
169
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:09,596
We were...
170
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,018
best friends.
171
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,397
SOPHIE: [sighs] I'm sorry again.
172
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,440
It's just the only night
my mom's in town.
173
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,567
- I totally get it.
174
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,527
I mean, I'm gonna have to be
my own charades partner though,
175
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,028
which is slightly awkward.
176
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,030
I'm going to be all like, one word. Movie.
177
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,450
[running in place]
178
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,743
I know! I know!
179
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,245
Jumanji! Woo!
180
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,621
[laughs]
[knocking]
181
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,124
That's my friends.
I gotta go. I'll call you later.
182
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,710
- Yeah, of course.
Thanks again for understanding.
183
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,713
♪ bar music ♪
184
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,841
Okay, prepare yourself, alright?
185
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:47,759
Knowing my mom's track record,
186
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,053
Ash is probably some
Jeff Bridges-looking dude,
187
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:53,140
guzzling Jim Beam and doing lines
off a filthy coffee table.
188
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,141
[sighs]
189
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,143
- Stop making me miss college!
190
00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:01,398
SOPHIE: Mom!
- [gasps] Hey, girls!
191
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,025
You made it.
192
00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:04,776
[soft laughter]
193
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,361
- And you must be Ash.
194
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,823
- Oh [laughs]. No, no, no.
I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.
195
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,658
- Oh
- Oh, uh, this is Ash.
196
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,161
- Hey.
197
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,791
Sophie. I've heard so much about you.
198
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,878
- Are you legally allowed
to be in this bar?
199
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,379
[laughs]
200
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,382
- I can assure you,
I am a very mature 27.
201
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,551
I've already had a colonoscopy.
202
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,262
- Ash! Our sex life is our business.
203
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,723
- Oh yeah? [laughs]
God, is she always this funny?
204
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,183
[giggling]
205
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,559
- Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.
206
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,686
Probably doesn't
know who Jeff Bridges is,
207
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,271
and to be honest, I don't either.
208
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,900
Your mom is fine, Soph.
You can still make it to Drew's.
209
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,986
- No, they always seem okay at first.
210
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,738
Okay, trust me, this guy is bad news.
211
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,617
You know what?
I know what's going on here.
212
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:57,037
I bet he's a gold digger
who thinks my mom has money.
213
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,414
[laughs] Wait till he finds out
214
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,458
she got nada en el banco.
215
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211
- We've talked about you
doing the Spanglish thing.
216
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,254
- Sorry.
217
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,173
Okay, you go get a drink with my mom.
218
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,634
I'm gonna grill my teenage stepdad.
219
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,971
- [gasps] Teenage Stepdad would be
a great Nickelodeon show.
220
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,723
- You're right. Let's add it
to the Google Doc.
221
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,559
♪
222
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:22,980
♪
223
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,649
- There's some kinks to work out
with my grandma trust,
224
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,359
but it looks like
I'm going to get this apartment.
225
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,320
- Wow. Cool.
226
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,408
I can Airdrop you photos and stuff.
227
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:35,409
[laughs]
228
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,913
- These were Gamgam's favorite pair.
229
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,624
Think I could pull them off?
- Yes.
230
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,169
They accentuate your perfect neck.
231
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:46,795
[both laugh]
232
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:51,508
- So, tell me. How did you
become best friends
233
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,343
with an 85-year-old woman?
234
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,762
- Um, well...
235
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,266
One day, I was, um,
236
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,727
making a ruckus in my kitchen, and...
237
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,980
she came over to complain.
238
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,773
I said I loved her brooch,
239
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,859
and the rest is herstory!
240
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,903
[nervous laugh]
241
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,283
- Hey, you want to get out of here?
242
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,868
I kind of have this thing
243
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370
where post-death rituals
really bum me out.
244
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,331
- You're so weird.
245
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:26,627
- I was raised in Fresno,
along with my twin sisters,
246
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,212
AKA my everything,
247
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,838
and I've always loved music.
248
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:34,176
I'm no Jason Mraz,
AKA my other everything,
249
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,178
but I get to do what I love.
250
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,222
You know, and that is the ultimate gift.
251
00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:40,140
- Aw, that's sweet.
252
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,684
Hm. You know what else is sweet?
253
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:43,727
Sugar.
254
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,855
And if you're a little
sugar baby looking for a treat,
255
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,357
you're barking up the wrong mama.
256
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,108
- What?
257
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,194
- Are you with my mom for her money?
258
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,863
Because she doesn't have any!
ASH: Sophie,
259
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,865
I know your mom is broke.
260
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,159
She's also beautiful
261
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,328
and alive and free.
262
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,872
To be honest...
263
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,750
I'm kind of falling in love with her.
264
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:13,507
- ♪ Marry me, Meredith ♪
265
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,342
♪ Please ♪
266
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,555
MEREDITH: Jesse, I'm sorry. I-I...
[crowd murmuring]
267
00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:22,558
[shocked whispering]
268
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,602
[thud]
[Jesse yelling]
269
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:26,854
[clattering]
270
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,608
MAN: [laughs]
He's so sad he pissed himself.
271
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:32,693
[laughter]
272
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,528
- No, didn't-- That's not even a thing!
273
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:37,239
I just spilled my Cosmo on my pants.
274
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:40,284
MAN: He drinks Cosmos!
He's my aunt in the '90s!
275
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,329
- I have just one question.
276
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:47,291
- Because they're sweet and tart,
and they make me happy!
277
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,168
- No. My question was
278
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:52,129
how did watching it make you feel?
279
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:55,382
- Oh. Uh...
280
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,426
Okay? I guess? I don't know.
281
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,137
I-I've been building up so much
in my head, seeing it wasn't...
282
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,347
that bad.
283
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:05,184
- Brilliant. Then, we can
move on to the next step
284
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,269
and return to the scene of the crime.
285
00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:10,480
- You know what?
Screw it. I'm ready. Let's go.
286
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,525
- Yes. Gentlemen,
to the Happy Idiot.
287
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,236
- I can't go!
288
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,574
Sophie's mom
took my masturbation virginity.
289
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,161
- So, Ash seems great.
290
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:27,164
- Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.
291
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,832
He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,
292
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,668
but I put in earplugs, so it works.
[text chimes]
293
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:35,005
Oh! If you'll excuse me,
I gotta wish my man good luck
294
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,256
before he goes on.
295
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,259
♪ bar music ♪
296
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,220
- Hello, New York!
297
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,055
Did somebody light a fire?
Because here comes Ash.
298
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,724
- What are you up to, Lori?
299
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,851
♪
300
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,481
[smack]
301
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,274
[both laugh]
302
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,235
Unbelievable!
303
00:12:57,069 --> 00:12:59,279
Oh, now I remember who Jeff Bridges is.
304
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,322
♪
305
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,495
- It was the summer after seventh grade.
306
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
I'd just come back from my favorite place
in the whole damn world.
307
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,834
Spencer's Gifts.
308
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,337
I'd gone there to buy
one of those sick-ass lava lamps.
309
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:18,340
But then, I found something even better.
310
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,551
♪ foreboding ♪
311
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:24,304
That night,
I set everything up just so.
312
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,849
- I don't want you to see this,
Slim Shady.
313
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,350
[hamster squeaking]
314
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,569
SID:
But just when I got down to business,
315
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,863
something horrible happened.
316
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,990
SID'S MOM:
Sid, I'm doing laundry.
317
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,325
- Big deal. So, she caught you
pulling your Paddington.
318
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,411
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.
319
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,372
SID'S MOM: Siddhartha? Are you awake?
[knocking]
320
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:53,375
♪ dramatic ♪
321
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,420
[thud, splatter]
322
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,963
[hamster screeching]
323
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,382
- Slim Shady?
324
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,302
Please stand up.
325
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:09,016
- I finished later that night,
after I buried him.
326
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,936
I finished after I buried him!
327
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,898
I really thought I was over it,
328
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,901
but seeing Lori just made it
all come flooding back.
329
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,112
- Sid...
330
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,072
Let me heal you, too.
331
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:32,456
♪ indistinct singing ♪
332
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,917
- Sophia, I need to tell you something.
- Me first.
333
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,877
You were right about Ash.
334
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:40,005
He's just a sweet guy who loves my mom.
335
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,841
What if she's finally going
to be happy after all this time?
336
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,718
- Mm...
LORI: There you are!
337
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,429
[laughs] Oh!
338
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:52,142
♪ singing continues ♪
339
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,271
- Hiya! Charlie, a word.
340
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,734
You're chummy with all the old neighbors.
341
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,195
Tell me everything you know
about Esther from down the hall.
342
00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,989
- Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight.
She's teaching me how to make borscht.
343
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,282
- No, she's not. She's dead.
344
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,825
- She was so full of life.
345
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,702
- Not anymore. She's full of dead.
346
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,205
And, I told her granddaughter
Rachel over there
347
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,957
that I was her best friend
348
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,125
because I think Rachel
might be the love of my life.
349
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,585
- How can that be Esther's granddaughter?
350
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,213
Esther didn't have any children.
Her birds were her children.
351
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,589
Oh my god, are you in love with a bird?
352
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,590
- Not this time!
353
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,636
Why would Rachel pretend
to be someone's granddaughter?
354
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,347
She was talking about moving
into Esther's apartment,
355
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:32,391
and she was grabbing jewelry
by the handful,
356
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:35,853
and she wanted to leave the shiva
after, like, 10 minutes!
357
00:15:35,853 --> 00:15:37,354
What if she was doing...
358
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,399
BOTH:
[gasping] Elder fraud!
359
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:47,281
- Wow! Maybe it's kind of cute
how smitten she is.
360
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:48,448
What if they get married?
361
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,909
We should start buying penis-shaped
things for the bachelorette.
362
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:52,828
- Ash and your mom aren't getting married.
363
00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:54,955
- What? Well, how do you know that?
364
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:58,250
- Have you ever considered...
365
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,628
that your mom might not pick bad guys,
but that she might...
366
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,131
be the bad guy? Soph,
367
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,925
I've met a few of
her boyfriends over the years,
368
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,094
and they've all seemed totally fine.
369
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:11,972
She's the one who blows things up,
and each time,
370
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,932
you drop everything to take care of her.
371
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:18,604
- You're... way off.
It's definitely the guys.
372
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:22,232
- Like I said, total blind spot.
373
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,568
- I saw her kissing Ash's manager.
374
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,071
- Oh.
375
00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:32,075
I just need a-a minute.
376
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,458
- I can't believe I've been
beating myself up all day
377
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,627
about pretending to know your grandma.
378
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,295
- Wait, you didn't know my grandma?
379
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:44,254
- Cut the crap!
380
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:48,467
You're not a granddaughter.
You're an elder frauder!
381
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,761
- Ooh, quick question. Um,
382
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,888
did you say Etsy Lebowitz
383
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:54,848
or Esther Horowitz?
384
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,808
Because, um, funny story.
385
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,478
Um, Lebowitz didn't have kids,
but Horowitz did.
386
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,147
- Which Witz are you?
387
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:04,566
- Horowitz, you lunatic.
388
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,861
- Hm...
389
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:10,614
Sorry for the mix-up.
390
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:13,617
And sorry for your loss, God.
[angry muttering]
391
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,038
- Look, I-I know it's gonna be hard for me
to come back from this,
392
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,414
but I'd like to try.
393
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,583
- Goodbye forever, Ellen.
394
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:27,172
I guess I'll probably have to see you
around the apartment building.
395
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:29,383
Please don't acknowledge me.
396
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,512
- I'm not giving up on us!
397
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:35,764
I know where you live!
398
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,768
I didn't mean that as a threat!
399
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,148
- I did say sorry.
400
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,149
♪
401
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,655
- Right now, when you see Lori,
402
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:54,241
you revert to an ashamed little boy
403
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,034
who killed his best friend.
404
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:58,328
And then masturbated shortly afterwards.
405
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,080
- That's right.
- But you're a man now.
406
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,708
So, I want you to march over
to Lori, buy her a drink,
407
00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,751
and prove to yourself
408
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,671
that you are not that little boy anymore.
409
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,590
That's what Slim Shady would have wanted.
410
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,635
- For Slim Shady.
411
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,890
♪
412
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,102
Hi, Lori.
413
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,479
- Oh.
414
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:27,232
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
415
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,026
- Uh, can we get two whiskeys, please?
416
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:31,195
One for me,
and one for the beautiful lady.
417
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,487
- Oh.
418
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,034
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
419
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:44,082
You have yourself
a beautiful evening, Lori.
420
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,669
[kiss]
- Good night, Sid.
421
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,421
[clears throat]
422
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,090
JESSE: Hm. Beer.
[excited muttering]
423
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,218
- Okay. You did it.
424
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,220
You healed me. You healed me!
425
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,639
- I did! Oh my god, I did.
426
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:02,351
Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse?
- Mm-hmm.
427
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,936
- And you're going to love this.
428
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:06,271
I've convinced the house managers
to let you take to the stage
429
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:07,898
at the end of the night
and perform a song.
430
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:09,316
- Wait, what?!
431
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,237
- Mom? Can we talk?
432
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,823
Mom.
433
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,159
Are you cheating on Ash with his manager?
434
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,994
- What? [scoffs]
435
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,748
Of course not.
436
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,210
- Valentina saw you kissing him.
437
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,297
- [sighs] Okay, fine.
438
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,051
Ash is adorable.
439
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,845
It's just...
440
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:41,682
I have chronic wanderlust.
441
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,350
I mean,
442
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,727
classic Sagittarius, am I right?
443
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,023
[sighs]
- Mom.
444
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:52,776
All those times we had
to pick up our lives
445
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,945
and start over,
446
00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:56,989
was it the guys or was it you?
447
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,992
- It was me not settling.
448
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,413
I won't be made to feel bad
for wanting fireworks.
449
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:05,873
- Fireworks.
450
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,878
We had to move 13 times.
451
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,131
I never had any real friends.
452
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:15,841
I didn't have a place to call home.
453
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:18,010
I don't have any childhood photos
454
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:20,679
because every time we moved,
455
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,014
we packed lighter and lighter.
456
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,767
But somehow,
457
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,020
that bikini poster
always made the cut.
458
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,439
- That poster is special to me.
459
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:31,732
- I know.
460
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,901
"Mommy had the best
side boob in the business"
461
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,319
was my first full sentence.
462
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:38,197
- Oh no, that's not what I mean.
463
00:20:38,197 --> 00:20:40,741
[sighs] You're in the poster.
464
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:44,036
It was taken the day I found out
I was pregnant with you.
465
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,455
That's why it's special to me.
466
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,126
I haven't done a lot of things
right with my life, Sophie.
467
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,878
♪
468
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:55,047
But I look at that photo,
469
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,050
and I see the best thing I ever did.
470
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:00,802
I see you.
471
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,933
Do you think maybe
we could go someplace quiet?
472
00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:08,519
Have a glass of wine
and talk about this Ash stuff?
473
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,398
- No. We can't.
474
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,442
- Oh.
475
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:18,278
- I love you, Mom.
476
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:21,573
But, I have plans of my own tonight.
477
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,450
[both sigh]
478
00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:26,912
[door opens]
479
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,414
Hey.
480
00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:32,960
You were right about my mom.
481
00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:35,546
- I know. I'm sorry.
482
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:38,590
[clink]
483
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,846
- You think I can still make it to Drew's?
484
00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:45,722
- Oh, definitely.
Game nights last forever.
485
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:48,141
It's one of the many reasons
they're so terrible.
486
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,852
Now, go get your man.
487
00:21:57,943 --> 00:21:59,945
[cheering]
488
00:21:59,945 --> 00:22:02,406
- Uh, hey, everyone. Um,
489
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,657
some of you might recognize me
490
00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,534
from a certain viral video
491
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:07,411
but now that I'm back here
at the scene of the crime,
492
00:22:07,411 --> 00:22:10,122
I just want to say
I'm ready to move on, New York.
493
00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:13,041
Uh, I'm not going to let
that one night define me. Okay.
494
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:16,044
What is this? I didn't order this.
- A Cosmopolitan.
495
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,672
- Hey, Carrie Bradshaw. That's from me.
496
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,299
[laughter]
497
00:22:20,299 --> 00:22:23,468
- Okay, just so we're clear.
A Cosmo is a classic cocktail, alright?
498
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,095
- Your mom's a classic cocktail.
499
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,430
- Don't you talk about my mom!
500
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:32,644
You know what, I'm gonna quit before
this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!
501
00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:34,897
[cheering]
502
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:38,317
That was... not great,
but it's a good first step.
503
00:22:38,317 --> 00:22:41,111
So, thank you, Charlie.
- I should be the one thanking you.
504
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,739
You guys have helped me
to confirm my dream career.
505
00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:46,283
To be a psychiatrist.
506
00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:49,286
Eight years of school?
507
00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:53,999
Alright, uh, to be a psychologist.
508
00:22:53,999 --> 00:22:55,542
[Jesse groans]
509
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,211
Seriously?!
510
00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:59,838
Well, there must be something I can do
where I can listen to people's problems,
511
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,840
offer up sage advice, and get paid for it
512
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,134
without having to go to any school.
513
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:06,720
- I'm probably gonna
regret this but, um...
514
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,013
- I'll take it!
515
00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:11,850
♪ Nobody Else by LANY ♪
516
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,728
SOPHIE'S SON: I don't get it, Mom.
Why'd you tell me this story?
517
00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:16,396
It was mostly about you and Grandma.
518
00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,482
- True,
519
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:21,068
but I couldn't eventually
wind up with your dad,
520
00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:23,779
until I faced my stuff with my mom.
521
00:23:23,779 --> 00:23:26,156
Faced who she was, how she hurt me.
522
00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:29,785
And that night,
when I walked out of that bar,
523
00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:31,537
I started to.
524
00:23:31,537 --> 00:23:33,956
- Hey! I hope I didn't
miss the whole thing.
525
00:23:33,956 --> 00:23:35,249
Oh. You're going. Okay.
526
00:23:35,249 --> 00:23:37,251
Uh, four words. First word.
527
00:23:37,251 --> 00:23:38,585
Happy?
528
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,880
Two? See...
529
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,590
[laughs]
530
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:44,883
I'm happy to see you, too.
531
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:47,469
♪
532
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:51,014
♪ And if Heaven doesn't want us ♪
533
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,725
♪ Would you go with me to Hell? ♪
534
00:23:54,977 --> 00:23:58,063
♪ Hope you know I don't want nobody else ♪
535
00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:02,192
♪ Would you call me back ♪
536
00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:04,403
♪ In the middle of the night? ♪
537
00:24:06,405 --> 00:24:08,740
♪ Would you kiss and make up♪
538
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,951
♪ After a stupid fight? ♪
539
00:24:12,703 --> 00:24:16,248
♪ If I share my dark secrets ♪
540
00:24:16,248 --> 00:24:18,750
♪ Would you promise not to tell? ♪
541
00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:23,255
♪ Hope you know
I'd do these things as well ♪
37023
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
