Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:05,047
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,137
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,560
We all have a blind
spot for our parents.
5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,354
We want to believe they're perfect,
6
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,939
- but the truth is...
- SOPHIE'S SON [on video]: Oh wow,
7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,191
are you finally admitting
you have flaws?
8
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,402
[laughs] No, I'm talking about
other people's parents.
9
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,405
I am perfect. Now, stop interrupting.
10
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743
Great! Okay, I'll see you tonight.
11
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,081
Ooh! Was that Drew?
12
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,749
[laughs] Yes.
13
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,751
He invited me to game
night with his friends.
14
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,462
Mm! Look at you.
15
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:46,922
Okay, can you just do normal vowels?
16
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,758
This is a big step in the relationship.
17
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,803
Meeting his friends,
pretending to like game nights.
18
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,763
No, this is not a big step.
19
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,849
- Ha!
- Knock, knock!
20
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,309
- [laughs]
- Mom! Hey!
21
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,604
- What are you doing here?
- [scoffs] What do you think?
22
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,274
Honey, I wouldn't miss your birthday.
23
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,859
Ah.
24
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,569
My birthday was a week ago.
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,904
Well, it was supposed to be today.
26
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,698
It's not my fault you came early.
27
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,491
Actually, it's a little my fault.
28
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:16,285
They say sex in the third trimester
29
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,245
can really move things along.
30
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,288
On the plus side,
31
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,999
I got to see Woody Harrelson's
penis from the inside.
32
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:24,960
He came early, too.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,545
Oh, Mom!
34
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,131
This is the worst episode
of Gilmore Girls ever.
35
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,342
Come on! We're going to brunch.
You can meet my friends.
36
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,095
But, you cannot hit on
Val's hot British boyfriend.
37
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,680
I would never.
38
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,850
You remind me of a young Sting.
39
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,059
[sniffing]
40
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,811
And you smell like him, too.
41
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,021
Mom.
42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,565
Uh, how do you know
what Sting smells like?
43
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,483
Oh, honey, I know what
all the greats smell like.
44
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,153
I made the most of my modeling days,
45
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,446
back when I modeled.
46
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,281
I used to be a model.
47
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,033
Wait, were you a model?
48
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,703
So, this is a new Bloody recipe.
49
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:01,163
Just let me know what you, uh...
50
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,792
- [awkwardly]: Hello.
- SOPHIE: Oh, Sid.
51
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,104
This is my mom.
52
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,297
Uh... I... just realized
53
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,341
I only put one olive
in these. [forced laugh]
54
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,301
What is this? The Oliveless Garden?
55
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,722
That was weird, right?
56
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:19,806
Someone should go ask him if he's okay.
57
00:02:19,831 --> 00:02:20,933
Totally.
58
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,352
VALENTINA/JESSE/CHARLIE: Not it!
59
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:25,395
Uh, Mom, tonight I have
game night, but tomorrow,
60
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,272
do you wanna do that thing
where we go to Times Square
61
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,149
and we tell tourists wrong directions?
62
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,069
But I'm only here till tomorrow,
63
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,112
and I want you to meet
my new boyfriend, Ash.
64
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,406
Oh. Hm.
65
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:37,908
There's a new boyfriend?
66
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,160
Yeah, he and his band
have a show tonight in Brooklyn,
67
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,829
and then we're off to Austria
for his European tour.
68
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,206
So, you got to come meet him tonight.
69
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,374
Sophie can't go.
70
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,417
Like she said, she's got plans.
71
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,545
It's fine. I'll be there.
72
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:51,630
Great! You'll love him.
73
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,716
Oh, I got to go. I have cryotherapy.
74
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,468
Hey, you should all try it.
75
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,512
Keep it cold, it won't get old.
76
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,347
I will see you tonight.
You're all invited.
77
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,810
There we go, all better.
78
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,104
And look at that. Darn. Oh.
79
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,064
- I missed Sophie's mother.
- CHARLIE: Your loss.
80
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:12,067
She's a delight. If you name a rock star,
she's probably smelled them.
81
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,113
She is the best. Which is...
82
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,157
why it's such a bummer
she chooses the worst guys.
83
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,494
And then they blow up her life,
and I have to pick up the pieces.
84
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,496
I guess I'm going to be convincing her
85
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,583
to dump this musician before
she winds up stranded in Vienna,
86
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,877
sobbing in her schnitzel.
87
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,545
Anybody want to keep me company?
88
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,965
- Of course. Babe?
- Hm?
89
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,009
Well, I had set aside tonight
90
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,303
to try and figure out what to do
with the rest of my life.
91
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,888
It's gonna get pathetic,
spending my days
92
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,098
swapping recipes with
the old yentas in our building.
93
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,100
ELLEN: Well, I'm in.
94
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,770
Right after I watch The Good Fight
starring my queen, Christine Baranski.
95
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,064
- I wouldn't miss it.
- [ringtone]
96
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,942
Oh. Great. Show's at the Happy Idiot.
97
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,277
I'm missing it.
98
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,030
I-I-I... The Happy Idiot is
where I proposed to Meredith.
99
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,282
I can't ever go back.
I'd be way too traumatized.
100
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,701
Yep. I can't go either,
out of solidarity with Jesse.
101
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,203
- No, that's fine...
- No, no!
102
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,456
Solidarity.
103
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,627
Okay, someone really needs
to go talk to him now.
104
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,545
- ALL: Not it!
- JESSE: Not it! Oh...
105
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,797
♪
106
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:18,342
Jesse, I have wonderful news for you.
107
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,261
I have finally figured out my calling.
108
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,765
I have decided to help
those suffering from trauma.
109
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,725
And you are going to be my first patient!
110
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,268
Okay, slow down.
111
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,145
How did you figure out
this was your calling?
112
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,855
A wonderful question, patient.
113
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,649
You see, my rarefied upbringing
114
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:36,610
has left me with virtually
no practical life skills,
115
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,404
but no one has had more therapy than I.
116
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,822
Oh, I didn't know you were in therapy.
117
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,866
[sighs] Was I ever!
118
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,869
See, when I was a boy,
119
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,996
my mother caught me
talking to one of her wigs.
120
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,957
She put me in therapy shortly after,
121
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,375
and Dr. Wallace helped me realize the wigs
122
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,502
were just a substitute
for my mother's affection.
123
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,754
And I haven't had a conversation
with a wig in months.
124
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,172
- Wait, months?
- And now,
125
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,674
I'm going to pour
everything I've learned
126
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:01,426
into healing others. Jesse,
127
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,928
you are a traumatized mess.
128
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,473
You can't go to the Happy Idiot.
You call yourself a musician,
129
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,934
but you haven't played
that keyboard since I met you.
130
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:09,977
I mean, look at it!
131
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,020
Begging to be touched.
132
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,149
Like one of my mother's long,
silky Saturday night wigs.
133
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,402
Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...
134
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,821
Why the hell not?
Alright, take your best shot.
135
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:21,864
Great!
136
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,907
We will start with exposure therapy.
137
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,827
Jesse, when was the last time
you watched this viral video of yours?
138
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,288
Oh, I've never seen it.
I'd be way too traumatized.
139
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,789
- Well, that's where we'll start.
- All cued up.
140
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:33,542
- Wait, you have it bookmarked?
- Yeah, of course.
141
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,169
You're my best friend.
142
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,588
♪
143
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,173
Alexa, play The Good Fight.
144
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,968
ALEXA: Here's The Good Fight.
145
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,094
Thanks, boo.
146
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,223
Got my Baranski, got my BLT.
147
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:51,602
Everything's coming up Ellen.
148
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,938
Aw!
149
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,064
[sighs]
150
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,025
This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!
151
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,401
[sighs]
152
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,116
♪ scheming music ♪
153
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,330
[quiet chatter]
154
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,348
Save some for the rest of us.
155
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,516
Oh, I'm sorry.
156
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:34,102
No, I'm kidding. Go nuts.
My grandma would be happy.
157
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,771
She hated wasted food.
158
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,023
She also hated
smartphones, slow waiters,
159
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,399
and Zooey Deschanel's whole vibe.
160
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,110
I'm Rachel. I make jokes when I'm sad.
161
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,322
I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders,
Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.
162
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,075
These are from my favorite brunch spot.
163
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,453
They get all of their produce
from this biodynamic farm upstate.
164
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,749
Sorry, I'm kind of a produce nerd.
You don't care about this.
165
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,251
Yes, I do.
166
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:58,877
I own a lettuce farm.
167
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,170
No way.
168
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,467
So, how did you know my grandmother?
169
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,802
ELLEN: Great question.
170
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:09,596
We were...
171
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,018
best friends.
172
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,397
SOPHIE: [sighs] I'm sorry again.
173
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,440
It's just the only night
my mom's in town.
174
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,567
I totally get it.
175
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,527
I mean, I'm gonna have to be
my own charades partner though,
176
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,028
which is slightly awkward.
177
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,030
I'm going to be all like, one word. Movie.
178
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,450
[running in place]
179
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,743
I know! I know!
180
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,245
Jumanji! Woo!
181
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,621
[laughs] [knocking]
182
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,124
That's my friends. I
gotta go. I'll call you later.
183
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,710
Yeah, of course. Thanks
again for understanding.
184
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,713
♪ Bar music ♪
185
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,841
Okay, prepare yourself, alright?
186
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:47,759
Knowing my mom's track record,
187
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,053
Ash is probably some
Jeff Bridges-looking dude,
188
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:53,140
guzzling Jim Beam and doing lines
off a filthy coffee table.
189
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,141
[sighs]
190
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,143
Stop making me miss college!
191
00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:01,398
- SOPHIE: Mom!
- [gasps] Hey, girls!
192
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,025
You made it.
193
00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:04,776
[soft laughter]
194
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,361
And you must be Ash.
195
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,823
Oh [laughs]. No, no, no.
I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.
196
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,658
- Oh
- Oh, uh, this is Ash.
197
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,161
Hey.
198
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,791
Sophie. I've heard so much about you.
199
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,878
Are you legally allowed
to be in this bar?
200
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,379
[laughs]
201
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,382
I can assure you, I am a very mature 27.
202
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,551
I've already had a colonoscopy.
203
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,262
Ash! Our sex life is our business.
204
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,723
Oh yeah? [laughs] God,
is she always this funny?
205
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,183
[giggling]
206
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,559
Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.
207
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,686
Probably doesn't
know who Jeff Bridges is,
208
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,271
and to be honest, I don't either.
209
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,900
Your mom is fine, Soph.
You can still make it to Drew's.
210
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,986
No, they always seem okay at first.
211
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,738
Okay, trust me, this guy is bad news.
212
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,617
You know what? I know
what's going on here.
213
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:57,037
I bet he's a gold digger
who thinks my mom has money.
214
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,414
[laughs] Wait till he finds out
215
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,458
she got nada en el banco.
216
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211
We've talked about you
doing the Spanglish thing.
217
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,254
Sorry.
218
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,173
Okay, you go get a drink with my mom.
219
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,634
I'm gonna grill my teenage stepdad.
220
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,971
[gasps] Teenage Stepdad would be
a great Nickelodeon show.
221
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,723
You're right. Let's add it
to the Google Doc.
222
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,559
♪
223
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:22,980
♪
224
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,649
There's some kinks to work out
with my grandma trust,
225
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,359
but it looks like
I'm going to get this apartment.
226
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,320
Wow. Cool.
227
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,408
I can Airdrop you photos and stuff.
228
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:35,409
[laughs]
229
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,913
These were Gamgam's favorite pair.
230
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,624
- Think I could pull them off?
- Yes.
231
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,169
They accentuate your perfect neck.
232
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:46,795
[both laugh]
233
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:51,508
So, tell me. How did you
become best friends
234
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,343
with an 85-year-old woman?
235
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,762
Um, well...
236
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,266
One day, I was, um,
237
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,727
making a ruckus in my kitchen, and...
238
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,980
she came over to complain.
239
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,773
I said I loved her brooch,
240
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,859
and the rest is herstory!
241
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,903
[nervous laugh]
242
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,283
Hey, you want to get out of here?
243
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,868
I kind of have this thing
244
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370
where post-death
rituals really bum me out.
245
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,331
You're so weird.
246
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:26,627
I was raised in Fresno,
along with my twin sisters,
247
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,212
AKA my everything,
248
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,838
and I've always loved music.
249
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:34,176
I'm no Jason Mraz,
AKA my other everything,
250
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,178
but I get to do what I love.
251
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,222
You know, and that is the ultimate gift.
252
00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:40,140
Aw, that's sweet.
253
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,684
Hm. You know what else is sweet?
254
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:43,727
Sugar.
255
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,855
And if you're a little
sugar baby looking for a treat,
256
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,357
you're barking up the wrong mama.
257
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,108
What?
258
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,194
Are you with my mom for her money?
259
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,863
- Because she doesn't have any!
- ASH: Sophie,
260
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,865
I know your mom is broke.
261
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,159
She's also beautiful
262
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,328
and alive and free.
263
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,872
To be honest...
264
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,750
I'm kind of falling in love with her.
265
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:13,507
♪ Marry me, Meredith ♪
266
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,342
♪ Please ♪
267
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,555
- MEREDITH: Jesse, I'm sorry. I-I...
- [crowd murmuring]
268
00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:22,558
[shocked whispering]
269
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,602
[thud] [Jesse yelling]
270
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:26,854
[clattering]
271
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,608
MAN: [laughs] He's so
sad he pissed himself.
272
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:32,693
[laughter]
273
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,528
No, didn't... That's not even a thing!
274
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:37,239
I just spilled my Cosmo on my pants.
275
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:40,284
MAN: He drinks Cosmos!
He's my aunt in the '90s!
276
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,329
I have just one question.
277
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:47,291
Because they're sweet and tart,
and they make me happy!
278
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,168
No. My question was
279
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:52,129
how did watching it make you feel?
280
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:55,382
Oh. Uh...
281
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,426
Okay? I guess? I don't know.
282
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,137
I-I've been building up so much
in my head, seeing it wasn't...
283
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,347
that bad.
284
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:05,184
Brilliant. Then, we can
move on to the next step
285
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,269
and return to the scene of the crime.
286
00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:10,480
You know what?
Screw it. I'm ready. Let's go.
287
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,525
Yes. Gentlemen, to the Happy Idiot.
288
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,236
I can't go!
289
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,574
Sophie's mom took my
masturbation virginity.
290
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,161
So, Ash seems great.
291
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:27,164
Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.
292
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,832
He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,
293
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,668
but I put in earplugs, so it works.
[text chimes]
294
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:35,005
Oh! If you'll excuse me,
I gotta wish my man good luck
295
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,256
before he goes on.
296
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,259
♪ Bar music ♪
297
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,220
Hello, New York!
298
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,055
Did somebody light a fire?
Because here comes Ash.
299
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,724
What are you up to, Lori?
300
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,851
♪
301
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,481
[smack]
302
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,274
[both laugh]
303
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,235
Unbelievable!
304
00:12:57,069 --> 00:12:59,279
Oh, now I remember who Jeff Bridges is.
305
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,322
♪
306
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,495
It was the summer after seventh grade.
307
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
I'd just come back from my favorite
place in the whole damn world.
308
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,834
Spencer's Gifts.
309
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,337
I'd gone there to buy one
of those sick-ass lava lamps.
310
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:18,340
But then, I found something even better.
311
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,551
♪ Foreboding ♪
312
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:24,304
That night, I set everything up just so.
313
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,849
I don't want you to
see this, Slim Shady.
314
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,350
[hamster squeaking]
315
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,569
SID: But just when I
got down to business,
316
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,863
something horrible happened.
317
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,990
SID'S MOM: Sid, I'm doing laundry.
318
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,325
Big deal. So, she caught you
pulling your Paddington.
319
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,411
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.
320
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,372
SID'S MOM: Siddhartha?
Are you awake? [knocking]
321
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:53,375
♪ dramatic ♪
322
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,420
[thud, splatter]
323
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,963
[hamster screeching]
324
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,382
Slim Shady?
325
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,302
Please stand up.
326
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:09,016
I finished later that night,
after I buried him.
327
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,936
I finished after I buried him!
328
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,898
I really thought I was over it,
329
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,901
but seeing Lori just made it
all come flooding back.
330
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,112
Sid...
331
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,072
Let me heal you, too.
332
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:32,456
♪ Indistinct singing ♪
333
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,917
- Sophia, I need to tell you something.
- Me first.
334
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,877
You were right about Ash.
335
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:40,005
He's just a sweet guy who loves my mom.
336
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,841
What if she's finally going
to be happy after all this time?
337
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,718
- Mm...
- LORI: There you are!
338
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,429
[laughs] Oh!
339
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:52,142
♪ Singing continues ♪
340
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,271
Hiya! Charlie, a word.
341
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,734
You're chummy with all the old neighbors.
342
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,195
Tell me everything you know
about Esther from down the hall.
343
00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,989
Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight.
She's teaching me how to make borscht.
344
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,282
No, she's not. She's dead.
345
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,825
She was so full of life.
346
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,702
Not anymore. She's full of dead.
347
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,205
And, I told her granddaughter
Rachel over there
348
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,957
that I was her best friend
349
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,125
because I think Rachel
might be the love of my life.
350
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,585
How can that be Esther's granddaughter?
351
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,213
Esther didn't have any children.
Her birds were her children.
352
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,589
Oh my God, are you in love with a bird?
353
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,590
Not this time!
354
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,636
Why would Rachel pretend
to be someone's granddaughter?
355
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,347
She was talking about moving
into Esther's apartment,
356
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:32,391
and she was grabbing jewelry
by the handful,
357
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:35,853
and she wanted to leave the shiva
after, like, 10 minutes!
358
00:15:35,853 --> 00:15:37,354
What if she was doing...
359
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,399
BOTH: [gasping] Elder fraud!
360
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:47,281
Wow! Maybe it's kind of cute
how smitten she is.
361
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:48,448
What if they get married?
362
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,909
We should start buying penis-shaped
things for the bachelorette.
363
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:52,828
Ash and your mom aren't getting married.
364
00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:54,955
What? Well, how do you know that?
365
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:58,250
Have you ever considered...
366
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,628
that your mom might not pick
bad guys, but that she might...
367
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,131
be the bad guy? Soph,
368
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,925
I've met a few of her
boyfriends over the years,
369
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,094
and they've all seemed totally fine.
370
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:11,972
She's the one who blows
things up, and each time,
371
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,932
you drop everything to take care of her.
372
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:18,604
You're... way off. It's
definitely the guys.
373
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:22,232
Like I said, total blind spot.
374
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,568
I saw her kissing Ash's manager.
375
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,071
Oh.
376
00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:32,075
I just need a-a minute.
377
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,458
I can't believe I've been
beating myself up all day
378
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,627
about pretending to know your grandma.
379
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,295
Wait, you didn't know my grandma?
380
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:44,490
Cut the crap!
381
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:48,467
You're not a granddaughter.
You're an elder frauder!
382
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,761
Ooh, quick question. Um,
383
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,888
did you say Etsy Lebowitz
384
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:54,848
or Esther Horowitz?
385
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,808
Because, um, funny story.
386
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,478
Um, Lebowitz didn't have kids,
but Horowitz did.
387
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,147
Which Witz are you?
388
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:04,566
Horowitz, you lunatic.
389
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,861
Hm...
390
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:10,614
Sorry for the mix-up.
391
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:13,617
And sorry for your loss, God.
[angry muttering]
392
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,038
Look, I-I know it's gonna be
hard for me to come back from this,
393
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,414
but I'd like to try.
394
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,583
Goodbye forever, Ellen.
395
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:27,172
I guess I'll probably have to see
you around the apartment building.
396
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:29,383
Please don't acknowledge me.
397
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,512
I'm not giving up on us!
398
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:35,764
I know where you live!
399
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,768
I didn't mean that as a threat!
400
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,148
I did say sorry.
401
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,149
♪
402
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,655
Right now, when you see Lori,
403
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:54,241
you revert to an ashamed little boy
404
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,034
who killed his best friend.
405
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:58,328
And then masturbated shortly afterwards.
406
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,080
- That's right.
- But you're a man now.
407
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,708
So, I want you to march
over to Lori, buy her a drink,
408
00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,751
and prove to yourself
409
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,671
that you are not that little boy anymore.
410
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,590
That's what Slim Shady would have wanted.
411
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,635
For Slim Shady.
412
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,890
♪
413
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,102
Hi, Lori.
414
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,479
Oh.
415
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:27,232
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
416
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,026
Uh, can we get two whiskeys, please?
417
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:31,195
One for me, and one
for the beautiful lady.
418
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,487
Oh.
419
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,034
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
420
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:44,082
You have yourself a
beautiful evening, Lori.
421
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,669
- [kiss]
- Good night, Sid.
422
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,421
[clears throat]
423
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,090
- JESSE: Hm. Beer.
- [excited muttering]
424
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,218
Okay. You did it.
425
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,220
You healed me. You healed me!
426
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,639
I did! Oh my God, I did.
427
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:02,351
- Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse?
- Mm-hmm.
428
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,936
And you're going to love this.
429
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:06,271
I've convinced the house
managers to let you take to the stage
430
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:07,898
at the end of the night
and perform a song.
431
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:09,316
Wait, what?!
432
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,237
Mom? Can we talk?
433
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,823
Mom.
434
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,159
Are you cheating on Ash with his manager?
435
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,994
What? [scoffs]
436
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,748
Of course not.
437
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,210
Valentina saw you kissing him.
438
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,297
[sighs] Okay, fine.
439
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,051
Ash is adorable.
440
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,845
It's just...
441
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:41,682
I have chronic wanderlust.
442
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,350
I mean,
443
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,727
classic Sagittarius, am I right?
444
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,023
- [sighs]
- Mom.
445
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:52,776
All those times we
had to pick up our lives
446
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,945
and start over,
447
00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:56,989
was it the guys or was it you?
448
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,992
It was me not settling.
449
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,413
I won't be made to feel bad
for wanting fireworks.
450
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:05,873
Fireworks.
451
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,878
We had to move 13 times.
452
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,131
I never had any real friends.
453
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:15,841
I didn't have a place to call home.
454
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:18,010
I don't have any childhood photos
455
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:20,679
because every time we moved,
456
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,014
we packed lighter and lighter.
457
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,767
But somehow,
458
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,020
that bikini poster always made the cut.
459
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,439
That poster is special to me.
460
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:31,732
I know.
461
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,901
"Mommy had the best
side boob in the business"
462
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,319
was my first full sentence.
463
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:38,197
Oh no, that's not what I mean.
464
00:20:38,197 --> 00:20:40,741
[sighs] You're in the poster.
465
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:44,036
It was taken the day I found out
I was pregnant with you.
466
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,455
That's why it's special to me.
467
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,126
I haven't done a lot of things
right with my life, Sophie.
468
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,878
♪
469
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:55,047
But I look at that photo,
470
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,050
and I see the best thing I ever did.
471
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:00,802
I see you.
472
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,933
Do you think maybe
we could go someplace quiet?
473
00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:08,519
Have a glass of wine
and talk about this Ash stuff?
474
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,398
No. We can't.
475
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,442
Oh.
476
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:18,278
I love you, Mom.
477
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:21,573
But, I have plans of my own tonight.
478
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,450
[both sigh]
479
00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:26,912
[door opens]
480
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,414
Hey.
481
00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:32,960
You were right about my mom.
482
00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:35,546
I know. I'm sorry.
483
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:38,590
[clink]
484
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,846
You think I can still make it to Drew's?
485
00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:45,722
Oh, definitely. Game
nights last forever.
486
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:48,141
It's one of the many
reasons they're so terrible.
487
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,852
Now, go get your man.
488
00:21:57,943 --> 00:21:59,945
[cheering]
489
00:21:59,945 --> 00:22:02,406
Uh, hey, everyone. Um,
490
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,657
some of you might recognize me
491
00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,534
from a certain viral video
492
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:07,411
but now that I'm back here
at the scene of the crime,
493
00:22:07,411 --> 00:22:10,122
I just want to say I'm
ready to move on, New York.
494
00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:13,041
Uh, I'm not going to let that
one night define me. Okay.
495
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:16,044
- What is this? I didn't order this.
- A Cosmopolitan.
496
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,672
Hey, Carrie Bradshaw. That's from me.
497
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,299
[laughter]
498
00:22:20,299 --> 00:22:23,468
kay, just so we're clear. A
Cosmo is a classic cocktail, alright?
499
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,095
Your mom's a classic cocktail.
500
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,430
Don't you talk about my mom!
501
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:32,644
You know what, I'm gonna quit before
this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!
502
00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:34,897
[cheering]
503
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:38,317
That was... not great,
but it's a good first step.
504
00:22:38,317 --> 00:22:41,111
- So, thank you, Charlie.
- I should be the one thanking you.
505
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,739
You guys have helped me
to confirm my dream career.
506
00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:46,283
To be a psychiatrist.
507
00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:49,286
Eight years of school?
508
00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:53,999
Alright, uh, to be a psychologist.
509
00:22:53,999 --> 00:22:55,542
[Jesse groans]
510
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,211
Seriously?!
511
00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:59,838
Well, there must be something I can do
where I can listen to people's problems,
512
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,840
offer up sage advice, and get paid for it
513
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,134
without having to go to any school.
514
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:06,720
I'm probably gonna
regret this but, um...
515
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,013
I'll take it!
516
00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:11,850
♪ Nobody Else by LANY ♪
517
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,728
SOPHIE'S SON: I don't get it,
Mom. Why'd you tell me this story?
518
00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:16,396
It was mostly about you and Grandma.
519
00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,482
True,
520
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:21,068
but I couldn't eventually
wind up with your dad,
521
00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:23,779
until I faced my stuff with my mom.
522
00:23:23,779 --> 00:23:26,156
Faced who she was, how she hurt me.
523
00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:29,785
And that night, when I
walked out of that bar,
524
00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:31,537
I started to.
525
00:23:31,537 --> 00:23:33,956
Hey! I hope I didn't
miss the whole thing.
526
00:23:33,956 --> 00:23:35,249
Oh. You're going. Okay.
527
00:23:35,249 --> 00:23:37,251
Uh, four words. First word.
528
00:23:37,251 --> 00:23:38,585
Happy?
529
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,880
Two? See...
530
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,590
[laughs]
531
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:44,883
I'm happy to see you, too.
532
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:47,469
♪
533
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:51,014
♪ And if Heaven doesn't want us ♪
534
00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:56,181
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38484
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof