All language subtitles for gchuyfigohijolkhjghfdtyfjgh

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Gentlemen!
Lock and load!

Connie Kaminski, you're under arrest.
Show me your hands. Show 'em!

Yep, that's me.
Connie Kaminski.

And holy shit, that was scary.

I mean, I almost wet the bed.
I don't know why they didn't just knock.

I mean, this is a story about coupons.
Little old coupons. They j...

You know what? I should probably
start from the beginning.

Hiya. Me again.

Okay, yeah. This is
the perfect place to start.

Here's a fun fact:

I'm a three-time gold-medal-winning
Olympic racewalker.

And you know what that's worth
out in the real world?

Absolutely nothing.

Did you know most Olympic
athletes aren't famous?

And they sure as heck
aren't rich.

Go ahead, look it up.
I mean, not now, but, you know, later.

And, yeah, I may have retired,
but I don't quit.

I figure no matter what you
do, give it all you got.

- Hola.
- Hola, Mrs. Flores.

Do you have my coupons?

Oh. Super-duper.

Hey.

You know what,

you can never have
too much toilet paper, right?

Okay, enjoy.

You might wanna pack a jacket.
The weather showed rain in Cleveland.

Oh, um, hey, did I just see you giving
the paper lady a bunch of stuff for free?

Rick, she's barely getting by.

Yeah, but at least
she has a job.

And you are spending money
that we don't have.

I am not spending money.
I am saving us money.

- This is my husband Rick.
- You literally are.

He works for the IRS.

And his job is to look
for people's mistakes.

I'll get it.

What's this? Is this new?

There's, like,
50 jugs of Tide.

It's couponing 101.

When Tide hits a six-month stock-up
price, you stock up, okay?

That's 400 dollars' worth of
detergent that I got for $57.

My mom used coupons...

We didn't always
argue about money.

It was only after we tried
to start a family.

And we tried.
And we tried.

And we tried.

And then, it finally happened.

We were going to have a girl.

But I just couldn't get
to the finish line.

After that, for a while we
didn't argue about anything.

Then Rick discovered
he could travel more for work.

Now he's gone three weeks
out of every month.

But that's okay.

'Cause if that didn't happen,

I might not have met
my best friend, JoJo.

Yo, yo, yo!
It's time to save with JoJo.

Here is the thing
I love about coupons.

I control my time,
I control my income,

I control my life.

So, JoJo's deal of the week
is right here...

You sure as shit doing a good
job controlling your income.

- Mom.
- 'Cause you ain't got no money.

Stop. Mama, no. Stop it!

You know I'm just... I'm over
here busy trying to build my brand

as a successful entrepreneur.

I'm my own CEO.

CEO! What the F are you talking about?

You nothing but a saleswoman
that don't make no sales.

Yeah, Mama, that's a business.
Sometimes you don't make sale...

You ever heard of Steve Jobs?

What do you know
about a job?

Okay, Mama. You be like that.
I'm going next door.

Why you gotta spend
so much time with that girl?

You and her carting around
all them food stamps.

They're not food stamps.
They're coupons.

White people use them.
Why can't we?

Oh, so if white people
were jumping off a bridge...

Oh, my gosh. Again.

No, if white people
were jumping off a bridge,

- I would not jump off a bridge.
- Why you got such a damn attitude?

You're always talking about white people!
Like, no, of course not!

Get on my nerves.

Oh, hallelujah, praise the Lord.
Look who's here.

- The savior of savings.
- What up, Rick Dick?

Oh, hey,
I had a question for you.

Um, has anybody
ever been happy to see you?

Like, have you ever walked into
a room and someone's gone like,

"Hey, everybody, look!
My cool IRS auditor just walked in"?

- Yeah, they don't have to be happy.
- Oh, okay.

I'm respected. I'm valued.

Mmm.

- I'm leaving.
- There you go.

Those are the two words
we love to hear you say.

All right, now. Bye, Rick.

- Hey, Rick, I had one more question.
- Don't slam...

- Hey, girl.
- Hiya, JoJo.

All right,
I have got some stuff for you.

- Look at all these.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Big day.
- Big day.

- Buy one, get one.
- BOGO!

Rick should be happy
I taught you how to stockpile.

Yeah, he doesn't get any of this.

Oh, lookee. I only need
one more Colgate proof of purchase

- to get a free AT&T gift card.
- You see that?

You think Rick knows how to pay
a phone bill with toothpaste? No.

You're winning.

Hey, did you know that winning actually
changes the way your brain works?

Like, every time you win,
you get a teensy bit smarter.

They call it
the winner effect.

You know, basically, the more you
win, the more you will win.

Winning becomes habit.

I really need a win.

Yes!

You doing okay today, Greg?

You know,
I read that if you're lucky,

you only get about 30,000 days
on planet Earth.

- Right.
- That's not a lot.

Maybe you should try
to make every day count.

Total is $138.55.

Is it?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

It's like
a thousand coupons, man.

Well, good for you, lady.
You saved $122.10.

It is good for me, Greg.
It is good for me.

"Watch the pennies, and the dollars
will take care of themselves."

- All right.
- Sorry about the wait.

Don't be.
That was impressive.

Change.

Your trophy.

"Dear General Mills,

I recently purchased
a box of Wheaties cereal

from my local A&G Family Mart
here in Phoenix.

When I opened it, I discovered,
to my chagrin, that the cereal was stale.

As a former Olympic athlete,
I was very disappointed.

'Breakfast of champions'?

With cereal this stale,
it's more like 'breakfast of chump-ions.'"

No shade, but, um, we both know
the before we were working with.

But why don't you
take a little look

- at the after!
- Oh, my God!

- Wow.
- Yes, girl! Look at you!

Who is that?
Is that Halle Berry from 2002?

So what I've used here

is the Back-2-Black
executive package.

I try to tell people, like, that
white-girl makeup does not work for us.

You know what I mean? Okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- You need your own stuff.

So, do we have a sale?

Do you take credit cards?

Unfortunately,
I can only accept cash.

I have a history
with identity theft.

- What?
- No. Girl. No, no, no.

No, I did not steal
anybody's identity. No way.

I had my identity stolen.

My credit's trash.
I can't even walk into a bank.

- Mmm.
- It's a whole thing. You don't even need

to worry
about that right now, so...

I need to think about it.

Fun trip?

Fun? What's fun about work?

Hey, what do you say we go out for
a nice dinner tonight? Maybe sushi?

Sushi's expensive.

Didn't you say you had
some kinda coupon thing

from TGI Fridays?

Mm-hmm.

Looks like the
Arizona fans will stay on their feet

as Harris steps to the plate
with a chance to tie it up.

Pitch... Oh, inside!
And near his head.

- Earl!
- Hey there, JoJo.

You better not have a bunch
of bills in there for me.

Ugh. Oof.

- You got this?
- Oh.

- I don't know nothing about this.
- Okay. Damn.

- Oh, I loved your new YouTube video, JoJo.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You know, I keep asking
myself, "How does she do it?"

It's like
you can read my mind.

That's 'cause I can.
Come here.

I'm gonna tell you what you're thinking.
Look at me.

Oh. Uh...

- Oh, boy.
- I'm just playing with you, Earl.

- I can't tell what you're thinking.
- I should be going.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Bye!

I'm leaving. I'll see you
in a couple of weeks.

Mm-hmm.

You had a choice.

We could've been eating out at
expensive and fancy places all the time.

Instead, you chose four
rounds of IVF treatments.

You knew I wanted to quit
after one, but...

You're trying to replace
what you lost with coupons.

Are you kidding me right now?
We lost a baby.

Get out of this room.

And get a job.

Mail's here.

Oh, my...

See that, Greg?

"Watch the pennies, and the dollars
will take care of themselves."

Why do you always say that?

'Cause it's the little things
that matter.

Mmm. Little things.

Like wasting your time writing
a stupid complaint letter?

- How did you know that?
- You're not special.

They always send you coupons for free
shit when you bitch to the manufacturer.

"Fifty percent less fat?
More like 100% less flavor."

"How about new
and unimproved?"

"Your trash bags are garbage."

"Your cookie isn't soft,
and it sure as heck ain't chewy."

"Your rising crust pizza
falls flat."

"If you meant for the cheese
flavor to taste like feet,

then bravo, my friend,
you nailed it."

- Okay, don't... don't peek. Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, open.

What? No, Connie!

You told me
you wrote that letter

- 'cause your cereal was stale.
- Yeah.

So, what, the whole fucking
house has gone stale?

- Not exactly...
- Oh, shit!

- You got Cottonelle Ultra?
- Yeah.

- You got 36 family rolls for free?
- Yeah.

That coupon's worth,
like, 40 bucks.

Well, you can get one too.
Just write a letter to Cottonelle.

And say what?
"Dear Cottonelle,

your supersoft toilet paper
scratched up my ass"?

Please,
they're not gonna believe me!

Or, better yet,
just pay me for the coupon.

Okay.

Actually, how much would you pay
me for this Cottonelle coupon?

Would you pay maybe half
of what it's worth?

Twenty bucks? Yeah, why not?

So you'd give me 20 bucks for
this coupon that I got for free?

That's quite a profit,
don't you think?

Imagine if we got more of these,
and we sold them to people for half.

That would...
That'd be a real business.

How is that a real business?

Even if you wanted to,
how would you ever get enough to sell?

I think I know where
we can get 'em in bulk.

Advanced Solutions works with
the top Fortune 500 companies

to handle all of
your coupon printing needs.

Each week, when customers
redeem your coupons,

they'll be sent back to our
Advanced Solutions printing facility

and coupon clearinghouse
in Chihuahua, Mexico.

Chihuahua, Mexico.
That's not far from here.

Okay, Chihuahua.
What's your point?

That's where
all the coupons are.

So what,
you want to rob the place?

- No.
- Oh.

No, no. Not rob. Just remove
or just separate some.

No. No. Uh-uh.
Are you crazy?

JoJo, I need you.

There's no one better
at selling people stuff.

Then how come I'm so broke?

Yeah. Exactly. It's not fair.

Like, all you wanted
was a successful business.

But because someone ruined your
credit, you can never fix that?

And all I wanted was a baby,

and I... now I gotta pay
for that the rest of my life?

No one is gonna help us.

You know who gets rewarded?

People who don't follow
the rules.

It's time we start
bending 'em a little.

I want you to know you don't
have to keep selling me on it,

- 'cause I'm in.
- I'm just saying,

you know, you lodge one complaint,
they send you a free coupon.

- They're handing them out like hot cakes.
- Mm-hmm.

And... And we're just
taking a few extra.

Mmm.
Well, we're stealing them.

And all we're doing is
making them more accessible.

- By smuggling them.
- That...

Honestly, these companies
make bazillions of dollars,

so it's not like they're gonna
miss a couple of coupons.

I'm just telling you that it is stealing,
smuggling and selling illegally.

It sounds bad
when you say it like that.

- It is bad, girl.
- Well, don't say it like that.

It doesn't have to sound bad.

I think it's gonna be good.

No, it's gonna be good.

It's gonna be good.
I can feel it.

Hey, congratulations, Sunil.

Congrats on being
a grandfather.

- Thank you.
- Not everybody's got a...

Not everybody's got a family.

Attention, shoppers.
If you have our club card,

you can save 10% today
in our deli department.

Get 10% off today
in the deli department...

- No, just...
- It's still not working.

Yeah, I see that.
Just punch it in manually

- and give her the coupon price.
- Dave. Dave. Hold on. Wait.

Can I... Can I take a look at that
before you make the transaction?

- Before you punch it in.
- Sorry, folks.

We're just gonna be a minute.
Alice will help you on one.

Yeah. No. This is,
uh, this is not a real coupon.

I-I don't understand.

It's a fake, ma'am.

How is it fake?
Look, uh, who are you?

I am, uh, Ken Miller.

I'm the loss prevention
officer

for all the A&G Family Marts
across the Southwest.

You're lucky I was here today
to spot this little guy.

Take a look here.
See that expiration date?

Does that look familiar
to you? November 31st?

It shouldn't. There's only 30
days in the month of November.

So whoever tried to replicate
this little guy,

clearly, they didn't look
at a calendar.

Probably out of China.

You know, they screw up the dates
all the time. There's always a flaw.

You know, if you know what to look
for, it's easy to spot.

Well, can you just make
an exception?

I mean, we could just honor
it, Ken, this one time.

She's been coming here
for, like, 150 years.

Yeah, I don't care if she's
Dame Judi Dench, Dave.

You leave the food out,
the critters will get it.

This is how this starts.
I'm just saying.

Sorry to compare you to rodents, ma'am.
I didn't mean that.

I just mean to say that rules are rules.
But if it helps, I...

If it helps?
I have hemorrhoids.

You know what helps, honey?
Preparation H.

Well, we're happy to sell
it to ya at full price.

Well,
then why don't you buy it?

Because you're
a giant asshole!

That's a good one, ma'am.

But as Dave will attest,
I've been told that before.

You should put that in the burn pile.
See you, Dave. I'll be back next month.

Hey, sorry. Um, would you mind if we
switched seats, just for this last part?

She really likes to watch
out the window as we land.

- And it helps calm her down.
- Mmm. Yeah.

No, even if
I wanted to switch,

I think it's more important that your
daughter learn a valuable lesson.

That's not how the world works, you know.
You don't always get your way.

- Are you for real, dude?
- Okay.

Fuck!

Fuck.

So, what, we're just gonna
eeny, meeny, miny, mo,

pick some random dude and be
like, "Could you steal for us?"

Yeah.
We need someone on the inside.

We need an inside man.

Ooh, what about that guy? He
looks like that badass dude from Machete.

- Too sketchy.
- We want sketchy.

We want him to help us,
not chop us up into tiny pieces.

What about this Cesar
Millan-looking motherfucker?

Too square.

We need that guy.

That guy?
Why that guy?

'Cause he's already
bending the rules.

Look at that. We got two
for the price of one.

- BOGO.
- BOGO.

Are you interested in a way
to make some more money?

No, that sounds creepy.
Just be like, "Oh, hey, we have a"...

- We have a business opportunity for you.
- Yes, yes.

- Okay. That's better.
- That's it, that's it.

- Okay. Here goes nothing.
- All right.

Why is she running?

- Shit! Shit, shit.
- Oh, my God. Wait!

We have money. Money.
Dinero. Dinero. We have it!

No! Dinero. We have dinero for you.
We have it.

For you, yeah.

- For me? Oh.
- Yeah, man. Yeah.

What is she doing?

- Hey, wait, wait, wait!
- Oh, no, no, no!

Stop! What...

Alejandro!

These women
are trying to help us.

- Uh.
- It's okay. It's okay.

Oh!

Okay, here we go.

- Hi.
- Mmm.

Okay, here we go.
You good? Okay, here we go.

You never trail someone
in Mexico. Ever.

You estúpida.

My... My wife is angry.
But she's right.

She is angry.

And also... pregnant?

- It is very early. But yes.
- Oh, wow.

Minimum wage
is only two dollars an hour.

Do you really have a way
for us to make some money?

Wait, your wage is two dollars an hour?

That's a crime.
You gotta talk to somebody about that.

I should talk to my boss
and ask for a raise?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, you should definitely
talk to your boss.

Are you crazy?
This company's American.

They only moved here so they
could take advantage of us.

That's all the more reason
you should hear us out.

These coupons. They all come
from your factory, yes?

Sí, sí,
we make all kinds of coupons.

We don't need all kinds.
Just the ones for free stuff.

Can you get more of these?

Are you asking me to steal?

Again, everyone is making it sound so
bad, but it's...

- Technically, yes.
- Yeah.

- Uh.
- Okay, okay.

It's like Robin Hood, okay?

You are gonna take these
coupons from this company

that pays you chump change,

and then we're gonna get them to
families who really need them.

She's right. Do you have any idea
how expensive diapers are?

And, obviously,
you would be sharing in the profits.

- Yeah.
- La puta's right.

But we don't need your Robin Hood.
We have Jesús Malverde.

He took from the rich
and gave to the poor families.

We will follow
in his footsteps.

Okay, yeah. Go with him. I mean,
this dude is dope as hell. I love it.

Rosa, no.

A wise man once said,

"Family is not an important thing.
It is everything."

Was that Jesús Malverde
as well?

It is the words
of Michael J. Fox.

Michael J. Fox?

The damn actor?

- Like, Marty McFly?
- Doesn't matter who said it, JoJo.

He's right.

Michael J. Fox is right.

Okay.

- Yes.
- Yes?

- I will do it.
- You will?

For real?
Like for... Oh. Oh, wow.

I mean, 'cause it took me a while
to get on board, and I know her.

You are ready, huh?

And here is how we will do it.

The factory is split in two.
Printing and redemption.

And the right hand does not
know what the left hand does.

Rosa works on
the coupon redemption side.

All day counting used coupons,
very tedious.

And I work on the print side.

It is man's work.
Heavy lifting, dangerous.

- Just get to the point.
- Don't boss me.

Anyway.

With each coupon we print,
there is always extra.

Even with the free coupons.

It is normal for us to destroy
these extra coupons.

But no more.

Oh, Alejandro,
you very sexy right now.

Instead,
I will send them to you.

Our trucks ship coupons
all across the US.

And as for the border,
this is no problem.

They stop drugs because
there is a war on drugs.

But who cares about coupons?

Gracias.

Okay, Mama,
just please be quiet, okay?

I ain't saying a word.

Yo, yo, yo.
It's time to save with JoJo.

Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

It's you.

I have to start again now!

I'm getting my Cheetos fix

thanks to my flamin' hot site
for coupons,

savvysupersaver.com.

You get a bunch of coupons.
All of them are gonna be half off, okay?

So, go there, get your coupons,
make your savings, okay?

$47.99.

Whoa, look at that. Free!

Okay.

- Hey, I got it.
- Thank you, Earl.

Savvy Super Saver, huh?

Now, did I say save,
or did I say save?

You get a free coupon!
You get a free coupon!

You get a free coupon!

Keep an eye on that for me,
okay?

Okay.

You have 74 new
voice messages. First voice message.

I'm calling from General Mills

about a fraudulent, um, uh,
coupon for Cocoa Puffs.

Coupon for Cocoa Puffs.

That sounds funny, I guess.
Anyway...

There's
been a run on Schick razors.

In the past month,
this one counterfeit coupon

has cost us hundreds of
thousands of dollars.

Uh, we've
had, uh, several of your A&G stores

attempting to redeem this counterfeit
coupon for Huggies diapers.

- There's no flaw.
- If you're looking at

these redemption numbers,

this is quickly becoming
a serious issue.

Which is why we're
calling on all LPOs

to look into
these fraudulent Tide coupons.

This is code red.

- I've mailed you...
- There's no flaw.

...of the fraudulent coupon.
If Gerber didn't...

Eleven days. No sleep.
Just me and the receipts.

On a diet of coffee
and heartburn.

The key was finding discounts that
matched the coupons in question.

It was no small task.

Aha! Yes!

Then, accessing
our financial database,

I was able to trace the credit
card number back to you, back here.

And here we are today.

But you're not a detective.

'Cause you sort of look
like a detective.

Detective...
Do I look like a detective?

Huh. I'll pocket that
compliment for a rainy day.

I, uh, no,
I work for A&G Family Mart.

Anyways, let's cut to
the Chevy Chase here.

If I ask a question,
just assume I know the answer.

So, stick to the facts,
would you, ma'am?

Spill it.
Where'd you get the coupons?

Uh, okay.

Well, a friend sent me this video
of this Black woman going on and on

about all this stuff
she got for half off

with these coupons
from some website.

I'm sorry.
I'm gonna stop you there.

You purchased these coupons
off a website?

Do you have any idea how many
Cheerios a one-year-old goes through?

Well, what's the name
of this website?

Uh, Super Snappy Saver?

Super Snazzy something.

- Snazzy Super Saver.
- Uh...

I remember thinking,
"What a dumb name."

Yeah. Sp-Speedy Shopper?
Could that be it?

Speedy Shopper?
No. That's not even close.

Well, I'm trying
to be helpful.

You said you already knew the answers.

- I-I know a lot of 'em, but the point...
- One minute.

Savvy!

S... Are you talking to me,
ma'am?

Savvy Super Saver.

Savvy, is that one V or two?

Oh, no, I guess one would be
"savy." So it's two. Two V's.

"Watch the pennies, and the dollars
will take care of themselves."

Savvy Super Saver.

My hands hurt.

We're filling
hundreds of orders a day.

Don't you feel like this is
all happening way too fast?

No, fast is good. Fast is...

- Oh, crap.
- What?

Frozen? No. No.

Connie, I told you this
is all happening too fast!

I'm like,
"Whoop, whoop, whoop!"

Alarm bells
are just going off in my mind.

- Let me refresh it.
- So just...

Okay, close the page.
Start again.

Did we lose all that money?

- I don't know.
- Fuck!

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, yep. So...

Abnormally large amounts of money
in the account. Right.

Okay, and... and how do we unfreeze it?

Uh-huh.

Oh, so we just have to prove
that it's a legitimate business.

Okay. Got it.

Yes.

All good. Okay. Okey dokey.
Thanks so much. Bye.

I knew this was
too good to be true.

Is it though?

The PayPal rep
made it seem simple enough.

We just need someone who's had
experience with this sort of thing.

Like selling stolen shit for
abnormally large amounts of money.

- Like that sort of thing?
- Exactly.

Oh, okay.

What about that girl
who stole your identity?

Tempe Tina? Really?

You wanna go to the little
brat who ruined my entire life?

JoJo...

- Girl, this is unnecessary.
- I know, but we need her.

What the fuck
is this about?

Just to clear the air,

the shit I did to you as a
kid, that was a side gig, okay.

I dabble in the dark web.

Okay, well, just to clear the
air on my side, just so you know,

after that little stunt you
pulled, I went to the police.

- They didn't help me.
- That's true.

I went to social security.
They didn't believe me.

And I went to my bank.
And guess what?

Those motherfuckers
didn't trust me.

Girl, you know,
I had so much debt because of you.

I had to move back home
with my mama.

You know how embarrassing that shit is?
I'm a grown-ass woman.

I'm really sorry about that.

I-I really... I had no idea.

Yeah, well, okay.

- Electric car?
- What?

Is this an electric car?
It's just so quiet, isn't it?

I mean, I've never been
blindfolded before,

and it's true what they say.

All your other senses
are so heightened.

Ooh...

- Did we just go over train tracks?
- I felt that.

- Did you feel that?
- Yeah.

- They are heightened, I...
- That's so weird.

Are you eating Juicy Fruit?
The gum. Is that what you eatin'?

You smell that?
Oh, I love Juicy Fruit.

- Oh, I haven't had it in forever.
- Me either. Me either.

Can you guys
just shut the fuck up?

Okay, rude.

My specialty
is cybersecurity.

You guys have any idea
what that means?

- No. Not a clue.
- No.

Okay. Governments
and global corporations

deal with security attacks
every single day.

My job is to identify 'em,
prevent 'em,

or, if they pay me enough,
to create 'em.

Humblebrag.

How the fuck did you
make this kind of coin from coupons?

Take 'em off.

Whew.

You can't have this much money
flowing in a single account.

I can unfreeze this for you,
but we gotta spread this shit out.

I'm talking MoneyPak, PayPal,
Venmo, Google Pay.

Okay, wow.

You're cashing in
with this craptacular site,

Savvy Super Saver?

- It was a template.
- Right.

And the site isn't savvy,
the shoppers are.

There we go. That part.

The site is registered

to a Charles Barkin
from Hackensack.

Charlie Barkin. It's from
All Dogs Go to Heaven.

- And the address is a Petco in New Jersey.
- Boom.

Well, look at you. We got ourselves
a couple of queenpins in the making.

- Damn, you hear that?
- Mm-hmm.

We queenpins, bitch.

Relax, 'cause it's still
way too easy to trace back to you.

Is there anything else
I should know about?

Yo, yo, yo.
It's time to save with JoJo.

You know what makes your booty
so fine?

Half-off booty
from savvysupersaver.com.

Seriously?

You see, my YouTube's
a part of my brand, so...

That's 48 real rolls,
okay, y'all?

Head over to Savvy Super Sa...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Where you go, girl?

Trust me, nobody gives a bag
of dicks about your brand.

What you guys need
is a front for your business.

All of this money is dirty,

so don't go spending dough
on shit you can't write off.

Give it six months,

and make sure it ain't
Alarm-ageddon out there.

You got that? And to start,
we need aliases, and lots of 'em.

From there, we open up bank
accounts, apply for credit cards,

and don't be doing this shit
at home.

Rent a stash house, okay?

And from now on, use this.
It's an IronKey.

It's military-grade encryption.
Just stick it in your USB.

Uh, for my help, I take 10%
of everything you make.

Girl, what?

Well, I'm worth it.

The good news is, ladies,

is you are entering
a real growth industry, okay.

Pink-collar crime,
it's fly as fuck right now.

We get you square,
and this coupon hustle,

it's gonna pay off
in a big, big way.

Could you say it all again
and, like, much slower?

I don't know what half
those things you said were.

- And do you have a pad and pen maybe?
- Pen and paper, yeah.

Or give me my phone back.
I'll take notes.

- Just to write it down.
- No. No.

- We don't got it, but we got it.
- We will wing it.

Yeah, I mean,
you and me are...

We're standing on the tip
of the iceberg here.

Ah, it's probably just...
...China.

Oh. Can't be China.

Why not China?

Ah, no, China's just...
You gotta trust me on this one.

I mean these...
these are gall-damn perfect.

You know this...
China couldn't pull this one off. No.

These... It's all
in the file folder.

- I mean, the, uh, coupon warning sheets...
- Yeah. Okay.

...the website,
the interview with the mother.

- It's... It's... It's a real bombshell.
- Yeah.

Don't say bombshell
in an FBI building.

- I thought maybe don't say bomb.
- Don't say bomb anything.

- Sorry.
- What's wrong with you?

No, I just... I'm trying to
relay the severity of the case.

I just, uh...

This is a crisis
at a national level.

- This is my Pelican Brief.
- Okay. Okay.

- Okay. Ken? Ken, okay.
- Yes, sir.

Ken, you have my attention.
You have her attention.

Oh. Hey.

I think we should run this
up the chain to HQ.

- That's, uh, it's good to hear that.
- Yeah.

'Cause, I mean,
that's great.

Uh, we're gonna need a whole
team working on this thing.

Yep, yep. Mm-hmm.

- Is... Do you do tours?
- Uh, we d... We don't.

Well, you got my card.
I gave you my card and that.

Yeah, we got your card.

- We got your email.
- Email.

We got your... your snail mail.
We got everything.

- Trust me, trust me.
- That's good.

You're going to be hearing
from DC real soon. Yeah.

- Okay. Thanks so much, guys. This is fun.
- Thank you.

- Appreciate it, uh...
- We'll do it again.

Ken. See you, Ken.

Who the fuck let that kook in here?
I mean, come on. Coupons? Coupons?

Dealing with
national security, terrorism,

and this nutbag
is babbling on about coupons.

I can't... Just... Here.

Why don't we let that shit
get lost in DC?

This is Ken Miller.

Salt Lake City referred
my coupon case to HQ.

Uh, whether I gotta fax or email or
what have you, uh, you let me know,

'cause I would love to get in touch
with, uh, you guys and gals,

whoever's working the beat.

All right. Ken Miller.

- Looking for someone?
- I was told to find

the lowest rung on the ladder.
Is that you?

- This is for you.
- Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

- Nice truck!
- Nice new house!

- So big!
- Thank you.

Had to rent it
for the business.

Uh, just leaving
message number umpteenth.

Uh, hoping y'all are gonna
give me a call back.

I am sitting here waiting.
I think you know my number by now.

Okay, what's with all
the free fucking coupons?

Hey, this is Ken Miller.

I... Shit.

I just spilled some coffee.
I'm gonna call you guys back.

This is Ken.
Just checking in again.

Um, Miller, it's Ken Miller.

The "I" still stands for
investigation, right?

- It's been six months!
- I know.

Today's the day we finally
get to spend our money!

I know. Hey, I added up
everything in all of our accounts.

- Mm-hmm.
- You wanna know what we've got?

- 5,230,000...
- What?

...and 55 cents.

- We're millionaires!
- I know!

We're filthy fucking rich!

- ♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
- What?

♪ Baby, I got your money
Don't you worry ♪

- ♪ I said hey ♪
- Sing it!

♪ Baby, I got your money
Hey Dirty ♪

♪ Baby, I got your money
Don't you worry ♪

- Hey.
- Wait. Dirty.

Didn't Tempe Tina say
that all the money is dirty?

- What?
- We still have to clean it.

Fuck!

Did she? Wha...
Call her ass up.

We're sorry.
You have reached a number

that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have re...

Think she's using
a burner phone?

What do we do now?
I'm a multimillionaire

and I can't spend
any of my money?

That's fucking bullshit.

Wait a minute.

- Rick.
- What about him?

Rick is always griping to me

about how these different
companies hide their money.

They funnel money through, like,
offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Honestly, I try to tune out
all of the audit talk,

but there was this one story about this
comptroller guy in Tacoma, Washington,

who embezzled $25 million.

And the only reason I remember
is because his name was Guy Rich.

- Guy Rich?
- That's what I said.

Rick was like, "Yeah."

Anyway, he said that Guy's
stupidity actually helped him.

'Cause he didn't know anything
about the Cayman Islands account.

So what he did instead
was bought a bunch of stuff.

And then he went out
and sold it,

and whatever he made
from selling it was clean.

JoJo, we need to get all of our money
out of these different bank accounts,

buy a bunch of expensive stuff
and then sell it.

And all the money
we make from selling it

- will be clean.
- Will be clean.

Okay. All right.

But you can't just walk into a bank
and take out a shitload of money.

Can you?

Ooh. Girl,
we are gonna get you together.

Really?
This dress with that blazer?

Yes! A hundred percent!
Just trust me, okay?

Just let JoJo work her magic.

Yes!

Hi. Joseph Johnson, please.

Straight ahead
through that door.

And you must be Melissa.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

I'll be honest with you,
Melissa.

I was pretty suspicious
at first.

You moving around
this kind of money.

With this being a border state,
we're extra vigilant, Nancy,

because we're dealing with
some pretty dangerous people.

Lucky for us, Stephanie,

the Financial Crimes
Enforcement Network

has established
dollar amount thresholds

to guard against
money laundering.

But obviously
you're not the cartel.

You're not hiring mules,
smuggling what have you across the border.

No, no. You're just a hardworking,
successful, female entrepreneur.

Now, your business.
What is Back-2-Black exactly?

It's a cosmetics line

for...
...people of color.

People of color?

Huh.

Well, if there's a demand,
why not you?

Hey, Barbara, we're gonna need some help
carrying Ms. Russell's money over here.

Let's go get you your money.

Will hundreds be a problem?

Super-duper.

Oh, my God.

- Look at all this money.
- I know.

How are we
gonna clean it all?

You know we gotta go shopping.
What would a guy buy with all this cash?

Yeah.
Like, what would Rick buy?

What's up? I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

Hey, quick question.

What would I buy
if money was no object?

Why are you asking me?
You know what, doesn't matter.

I guess I would buy
a Lamborghini.

And finally,
the Lamborghini Urus

merges the soul
of a sports car

with the functionality
of an SUV.

You truly can't call yourself
a real American

till you've been behind the
wheel of a Marathon Coach

- built on a Prevost chassis.
- How much for this one?

This beauty
is priced at $265,000.

Oh, uh,
don't forget the boat.

Oh, yeah.
How much for the boat?

What do you say, ladies?
Which one do you want?

We'll take them all.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

You know, every A&G store in America
is affected as well, so I hear ya.

- I hear ya.
- Do you, Ken?

Do you understand
the trickle-down

if corporations like us
don't make money?

We can't pay taxes. Then suddenly
the roads aren't getting fixed.

Teachers are losing
their jobs.

Before you know it, John Q.
Public is getting mugged at gunpoint,

- maybe gang-raped.
- Uh...

And where are the cops?
There are no more cops.

Okay, Craig, I...

Oh, 7:00 a.m.

Yeah, one sec, Craig.
I gotta call you back.

We're
supposed to be the good guys here,

giving everybody
a great deal. Shit...

Yeah. Hey, you know, Bill, I...
I actually got another call coming in.

I'm going to switch over,
okay?

It's a goddamn priority
we find out who...

Hello?

Oh, hi. Yes,
I'm calling for Ken Miller.

Speaking.

Ken, hi.
My name is Albert Anderson.

I'm calling from the Federal
Bureau of Investigations

about your counterfeit
coupon case.

Thank God you're calling me.
Hey, wait a sec.

I have been calling you guys,
leaving messages ad nauseam,

and here you are,
finally getting back to me.

This is "real soon"?
Let me tell you what.

We need boots on the ground
ASAP right now. Okay, bud?

Uh,

I'm an intelligence analyst

working out of
a sub-subbasement.

My field experience
is literally zero.

Yeah, that sounds about right.
You got to be fucking kidding me.

Unfortunately, no. But I am calling
you because I think I can help.

Yeah, don't...
don't let me stop ya.

Give me
the master plan here, bub.

Okay, uh, well, this Savvy
Super Saver website.

Now, the interface
is complete amateur hour,

but the problem
is with the site's back end.

I've used every possible tool
at my disposal

and I am meeting
nothing but dead ends.

The IP address is untraceable,

there's no analytics,
no cookie trails.

Guess what I'm trying
to say is...

none of it really adds up.

Okay, so how's that
supposed to help me, Albert?

Oh, well, I guess it doesn't.
But, um...

The fuck, Albert?
Talking about cookie trails.

I don't know this shit.

Do you realize that
these counterfeit coupons,

tens of thousands of 'em,
have been mailed out all over the country?

- And I'm the one who's supposed to...
- Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

Did you say mail?

Like, postal, snail mail,
not by email?

Mail. Like...
Like through the post office.

Okay. Help is on the way.

Yeah, you're gonna have those boots
on the ground within 48 hours.

Okay, so now we're talking.
Now what are we...

And he hung up. Goddamn.

Ken Miller?

Oh, yeah. And you are?

- Simon Kilmurry, US postal inspector.
- Oh, with the Federal Bureau...

US... Sorry, say that again?

I'm with the US Postal Service.

The Postal Service? No. No, no.
They said that they were sending the FBI.

This is unacceptable.
They... I...

So what do you do?
You, like, carry mail around or something?

That would be a mailman.
They carry the mail. I carry a gun.

This company, Kimberly-Clark,

issues just under
a thousand of these coupons.

As of this week,
over 15,000 of them have been redeemed.

As if that wasn't bad enough,
we can't tell the difference

between the real,
legitimate coupons and the counterfeits.

Well, I do appreciate you
contacting the FBI,

but the postal inspectors
will take it from here.

I appreciate your initiative,

but this is my case.
All right?

You're gonna need me
on this one.

You can't just waltz in here
and take the food off my plate.

This is my thing. This is my deal.
Unless you wanna be partners.

- We could be partners on this.
- No. No, we can't be partners.

And you wanna know why
we can't be partners?

'Cause I'm a federal
law enforcement officer.

I carry a firearm, I solve
crimes, and I arrest people.

You're a private citizen who
chases around 15-year-old girls

for lifting packs
of Juicy Fruit.

That's one thing I do
of many.

I-I know coupons.
I live coupons.

So what happened when you tried
to order some off the website?

What are you... I didn't.

So you've done nothing?

I did someth...

- I did a lot of things.
- I did...

You know what I did?
Here's what the fuck I did.

I called the FBI, and I said,
"Can you help me out?"

They said, "Sure, boots on the ground."
And then they brought me a postman.

All right, Ken, I tell you what.
You seem to know a lot about coupons.

So, why don't you order some off the
website, and they'll come in the mail.

And then we can all see
where they're from.

But, uh, just to be clear so
there's good boundaries in place,

we're not partners.

But what
about you making me, uh,

some sort of a deputized
citizen or something?

Just from
a placard standpoint.

- A deputized citizen?
- Yeah.

So what am I doing?
Am I forming a posse here?

No, I'm sorry. It's...

What's your action item?

- My... My actionable item?
- What is your action item?

Action item is to order
the coupons off the website.

That's a good i...
That was a good idea too.

Oh, yes.

Guns? No. No way.

Not happening. Never.

We can go to Shake Baby after
and get a milkshake.

What has
the best resale value?

We're looking for
a good investment.

All right, well,
that'd probably be this here.

This is a KelTec
KSG tactical shotgun.

It's pump-action. Right?

Now y'all seen John Wick, right?
John Wick movies?

- Yes. Absolutely.
- Yeah, yeah.

There ain't
no better commercial for a gun

than a John Wick movie.

The moment Keanu
used this sexy bad boy,

the price just went
straight through the roof.

Is it cheaper
if we buy them in bulk?

- Ah.
- Mmm.

Mmm.

That probably shouldn't
have been that easy.

Champagne?

Oh. Ah!

Oh, yeah!

- Coupons! Coupons!
- Coupons! Coupons!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

What are you going to do
with your half of the money?

Oh, okay.

Um, I'm gonna pay off
Mama Josie's mortgage...

- Mmm, mm-hmm.
- ...hire her a live-in housekeeper,

and then, I don't know.

I wanna go somewhere exotic.
Like somewhere with a beach.

- You know?
- Mmm.

What about you?
What are you gonna do with your share?

Well...

- Okay. You want to hear something crazy?
- Always.

I made an appointment
at the fertility clinic.

And I know it's a long shot,

but I just figured, why not?
You know?

Yeah, okay.
Uh... What did Rick say?

I didn't tell Rick.

I was kinda hoping
you'd go with me.

Connie. Of course!
You know I gotta go.

- You will?
- Yes!

'Cause when this little girl asks her
auntie JoJo the story of her life,

I'm gonna say, "Girl,
this all started with a coupon."

Okay, so what we got here
is a address for a pet store,

a Petco in Kansas.

I Google Mapped it.

The nearest airport
is Kansas City, Missouri.

So I took the liberty of booking us
a little red-eye flight over there.

Booked us? Okay.

Ken, we are not doing this.
We are not...

Kansas, huh?
Did you check the postage?

- What, like the stamp?
- Well, there is no stamp.

They're using
an online postage service,

which also means
there's no postmark.

- Okay, so...
- Okay, so the zip code on the postmark

and the zip code on the return
address, well, they don't match.

So, the return address, well,
that's Kansas, anything starting with 6-6.

And the postage, 8-5-0-1-3,

anything starting with 8-5,
that's Arizona.

And the last three digits,
0-1-3, that's Phoenix.

So screw
what the return address says.

These things were mailed...

Mailed from Phoenix.
That's impressive. Holy shit.

I'm sorry.

Did you actually memorize
the zip code

for every city in the country?

I'm a postal inspector, Ken.

And all things being equal,

the simplest explanation
tends to be the right one.

Oh, my God.

So if those things
were mailed out of Phoenix,

then the criminal outfit
behind these are...

- From Phoenix.
- ...also in Phoenix.

Yeah, that's... You gotta
let me in on this thing.

I'm Mr. Phoenix.
I'm there every month.

There's nine A&G stores
in the area. I can help.

- Ken, we've been through it.
- Please, come on.

All right.
I shouldn't be doing this.

- What are you...
- Okay.

Put your left hand on my badge
and raise your right hand.

- Oh, holy shit. Yes, yes, yes. Okay.
- Repeat after me.

I, Ken Miller,
do solemnly swear...

I, Ken Miller,
do solemnly swear...

That I'm being fucked with.

That I'm being...
Oh, fuck you, man. Come on!

- What did you think was gonna happen?
- I don't know.

I don't have the power to make you a
deputy on anything. We've talked about it.

Thought you might give me a chance.
I thought maybe you would...

Okay, listen. Y-You're right.

Fifteen years I've spent tracking lowlifes
shoving shit in their pockets. I get it.

But it's a real case.
I... I...

I thought you'd give me a chance at
doing something that actually mattered.

I... Oh, shit.

Maybe you can help.

You do know Phoenix,
and you already gave me

a really good lead
with those coupons.

And I don't want you
to feel bad.

ATF, DEA, FBI,

most of those assholes would already
be on a plane to Kansas by now.

But you can't cheat the mail.

And you
can't cheat Father Time.

There is a price to pay for all
your training over the years.

- I hate to say it.
- This is... your last shot.

Well...

I'm egg-cited to give it a go.

Egg humor.
Well, here's one for you.

Uh, last time we tried this,

your average yield
was only four or five eggs.

Whew.
Damn, girl.

But the good news
is that we still have

some of Rick's sperm
from last time. So...

Uh, do we have to use
his sperm?

Well, no, but...

I mean, he is your husband.

Yeah, I think
we'd like to shop around.

- Okay, so there's no photos?
- No photos.

- It feels like a huge flaw in the system.
- Aw.

- What about that one?
- Oh. Well, let's take a closer look.

Geez.

This donor was very active.
We have over 400 vials.

- 400?
- Yeah.

6'2", high IQ,

- extremely high motility levels.
- Ooh.

His little guys
are like Olympic swimmers.

- Olympic?
- Uh-huh.

Hello, Mr. Baby Batter.

You know what?

I bet a lot of women can't
afford high-quality sperm.

We could get it to
them at a discount price.

Do you take cash?

Did we just spend $330,000
on one man's sperm?

You know, I bet we'll be the first
people to launder money selling semen.

Right?

I don't know.

Getting a call
from Switzerland.

Weird.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Tina.

Are... Are you in Switzerland?

Oh, no, right. You're here.

Oh, you're here, here.

Yeah, okay.
Uh, we'll be out in a jiff.

- She's here.
- Oh.

Tempe, Juicy Fruit?

Any idea
why I brought you guys here?

- No.
- No.

Where the fuck
is all your money?

- Oh, that. We...
- Oh.

- Um, relax.
- Girl, we got it.

We took care of everything.
I mean, we're self-starters.

- We're queenpins. Remember you said?
- That's who you're looking at.

- You said it.
- "Queenpins."

We're cleaning it!

Okay. And, uh,
why are you cleaning it?

- Because it's... dirty.
- It's dirty, Tina.

You don't have any dirty money.
Do you know why?

'Cause your front company
Back-2-Black's sole purpose

is to clean your money.

So, you're...
you're telling us that w...

- Wait.
- That we don't...

- All the fucking money is already clean?
- Oh, my God.

I'm just, like, over you guys.

- Can I be honest?
- Yeah.

- I wish you would've let me write...
- That's what I'm saying.

You didn't let her write it
down, so we didn't know.

I asked for a pad. You said it was dirty.
I got home. I...

All right. You're gonna go to
the bank every couple of days.

Just take the money
in small increments. Okay?

And put it in the bank
in small increments.

Can you do that?
And not fuck that up?

We can...
That's something we can totally do.

- We st...
- We, um...

We still have
some of it left, but...

We bought a few things.

A few things?

You guys said a few things.
This is not a few things.

This is a big red flag.
You need to sell this shit now.

Okay. Yeah.

We also bought
a bunch of guns.

Guns?
Where are you gonna sell guns?

We're gonna
figure that out.

Or eBay.

- Or eBay.
- Was my first thought.

There's nothing more
important than the mail, Ken.

People put pen to paper
with their innermost thoughts.

And then they seal it in an
envelope, and they put a stamp on it.

They trust us with their
secrets, and we deliver.

Yeah, no, I guess...

I have a hard time
believing anybody gives a hoot

when they get a letter
in the mail.

Yeah.

I have a feeling
that Leo F. Sullivan

gave a hoot about getting
a letter in the mail.

Marked October 16th, 1918.

"Dear Mary,

I received two of your
letters a couple weeks ago,

and they brought the usual
amount of good cheer.

Those letters made the trip
with me to the front,

and now all I have to do
is put my hand in my pocket,

and there you are.

I spoke to
Father Tom Holbrook

about my big desire within
to return to you

and the ache in my heart to meet our
little Irene and hold her in my arms.

I took my last confession

and now head out to battle
with a clear conscience

and a heart full of thoughts
of you, my dear, sweet Mary.

As ever I remain,
Leo F. Sullivan."

I think some people do care
about getting a letter, Ken.

- Wait, wha... what happened?
- What do you mean what happened?

Did he make it?

You know, did he, um...
did he survive the battle?

Doesn't matter if Leo made
it or Leo didn't make it.

What matters is that the letter survived.
The letter made it.

And it's something
that we take very seriously.

Yeah, I get that. I just...

It's hard not to think
about the Sullivan family.

What... Whatever happened to Mary?
Did she become a widow?

Ken. Ken, it was
a hundred years ago.

All the Sullivans
are probably dead.

I wonder.
Did he ever get to hold Irene?

Are these relatives
of yours? Are they...

I think we're all related
in some ways. Don't you, Ken?

Hmm?

Welcome to Phoenix.

5,000 square miles of hot-as-shit
desert, suburban sprawl.

Yeah, well, some haystacks
are bigger than others,

but the bad guys
are out there.

Trouble for them,

they decided to do bad things
through the mail.

Now we're gonna handle this
the post office way.

Yeah, I kinda wish you
hadn't read me that letter.

I can't stop thinking
if that guy survived or not.

Oh, Ken, you're missing
the point of it.

...where the temperature is
currently 89 degrees, southwest winds...

Hey. What's going on
around here?

Did we get a new TV?

I can't get anything past you.

It was supposed to be
a surprise.

You know,
you telling me to get a job

was exactly the push I needed
to realize I could do better.

So I marched out there,
and I got a job.

A job doing what?

Sales.
Just a boring old sales job.

You know, filling orders
and stuffing envelopes mostly.

And the couponing?
What's going on with that?

Oh, I don't use coupons
anymore.

You're shitting me.

I hope you don't mind.

I used my first paycheck
to buy you your 4K TV.

Why would I mind?
I mean...

...got a brand-new TV
and a brand-new wife.

Yep. Connie 2.0.

Enjoy.

Are you sure you don't wanna
discuss this with your husband

before I implant the embryos?

Remember,
I can't un-bake the cake.

Dude. It's her body.
It's her choice.

No.

We didn't use
any of his ingredients.

He doesn't deserve
a piece of my cake.

You all know Ken
Miller, the store's LPO.

And with him
is Simon Kilmurry.

He's an FBI agent
who wants to ask you...

- A postal inspector.
- What's that?

I'm a US postal inspector.

Oh. He's a postal inspector,
whatever that means.

We're just looking for any customers
with strange coupon habits,

any irregular coupon activity,
uh, frequency of use,

any customers who have
unusually high savings.

First of all, people literally
forget you're even a human being.

Then she's gonna lecture me on how
plastic bags are killing our planet

like I'm the asshole
who invented plastic.

We call her the "Oh, wait.
I have a coupon" lady

'cause she only remembers she has a
coupon in her hand after she's paid.

We call him "Mr. Bullshit" 'cause he
makes you check in the back for stuff.

And every time we tell him we're out,
he always screams out, "Bullshit!" Yeah.

Well, I guess that's it.
Hope it helps.

Oh, wait.
We do have one other cashier.

I call her
the "Crazy Coupon Lady."

Got this smile
plastered across her face,

ridiculous amount of coupons
in her hand every time.

And, of course, everybody's backed
up, waiting, waiting, waiting.

And they're getting pissed
at me. At me!

- And the worst part...
- Okay.

...she had this fucking
catchphrase, okay,

this little saying she would spew
at me every time before she left.

"Watch the pennies,

blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah." And I'm like...

I'm sorry, I gotta
back you up there.

Did you say...
Was the phrase,

"Watch the pennies, and then the
dollars will take care of themselves"?

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it.

Okay, we're connecting then now.
We're connecting here.

So let me ask you this. What is her name?
What is this woman's name?

I don't know her name, man.
I fucking hate her.

But you've done the transactions.
You see the card.

- I'm sure you got her name, right?
- Crazy Coupon Lady.

- Description. What does she look like?
- She's, like, three feet tall.

- Call a sketch artist!
- Okay.

We gotta have somebody
down here.

Can you stay there
for a second?

Ken, Ken. I'd like to talk
to you for just a minute.

This is good.
Don't forget the...

- Remember where we were at.
- Come on. Let's go.

You can't be
screaming at him.

What did you scream at the
guy, "Call a sketch artist"?

- Yeah, I...
- Who do you think she is, Keyser Söze?

Ken, just take it
down a notch.

- Slow it all down. Okay?
- I'm slowing it down,

and I'm going to slowly tell
you exactly what happened there.

He gave us the seed that's gonna
become the fucking branches, okay?

- That lady, that's the gal.
- What does it...

That's the gal! That phrase.
Did you not hear it?

"Watch the pennies. Dollars take
care of themselves." That's...

I mean, that is literally plastered
on the Savvy Super Saver website.

Okay. Well, that is interesting.
That's helpful.

And did you know that
your average shopper

travels 2.27 miles to their
nearest local grocery store?

- Is that true? Are you right about that?
- Yeah. That's a fact.

If you are, that means our haystack
just went from 5,000 square miles

- down to a two-mile radius...
- We're shrinking it.

...and we should get boots
on the ground. Look at me.

- That's good, Ken. That's great.
- Thanks.

Now do it without
the screaming, okay?

It's just passion.
I'm a passionate man.

You can be passionate
without being an idiot.

Whew.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Ugh, girl, eBay is a bust.

It's just too much.
I can't sell it fast enough.

What are we gonna do? It's not like we
can have a yard sale for all this shit.

We are investigating
a counterfeit coupon ring

that we believe is operating
somewhere within your postal routes.

Now, the mail that's being
picked up is primarily envelopes

with a Kansas return address
and marked "Savvy Super Saver."

Suspect is a Caucasian female,
late 30s, approximately 5'1".

One witness described her as overly
cheerful with a superiority complex.

She may or may not
have accomplices.

Hey, Earl, what about that gal
you won't stop blabbing about?

Um, not sure I know
what he's talking about.

You know, the girl.
She makes all these coupon videos.

I'm sorry.
Did you say "coupon videos"?

I don't know
nothing about nobody, uh...

The girl. Yeah, she lives over
on, uh, Clayton Avenue.

What's her name? Uh, Coco? JoJo?
It's JoJo, right? Or is it Coco?

Hold on. You said she's Caucasian?
Whoopsie-daisy. Never mind.

She's a Black gal.
A Black woman. Lady. So...

Oh, shit. Look.
These open carry dudes.

Hi. Do you have oat milk?

Oat milk is over there.

Oh. Maybe they want to buy our guns?

- Morning. What can I get for you two?
- Hey, what's up, baby?

- Let me grab a skinny caramel macchiato.
- Connie.

- Large coffee. Black.
- What are you doing?

Mmm.

Nice.

Couldn't help but notice. Are you
fellas part of some sort of gun club?

Just practicing
our right to bear arms...

- Oh, okay.
- ...while we pick up coffee.

- I got two macchiatos for Stephanie.
- Oh, that's me.

- Stephanie. Hiya. And you are?
- Hey.

I'm Rattlesnake.

That's catchy.
Rattlesnake.

- Sandman.
- That's a good one too.

Hey, I was wondering...

We don't know where we're going.
We don't know who these people are.

Yes, we do.
He dropped me a pin.

- Oh, he dropped you a pin.
- Yeah.

- So we know... We're good now. That's it.
- JoJo.

What do you want me to say? It's not
like we can have a yard sale, okay?

And you just do what you do on your
sales calls, like you taught me.

You make the customer
the hero.

- The hero?
- Yeah.

These guys could be KKK,
Aryan Brotherhood, anything.

And you want me
to make them the heroes?

I highly doubt that, okay?
Did you see what Rattlesnake ordered?

A caramel macchiato
doesn't sound very KKK to me.

Am I in any kind
of trouble here, or...

Well, it's kind of
up to you, Earl.

You gonna dance
with the tiger?

- You gonna play some ball?
- I'm sorry...

I'm not quite sure who the tiger is that
someone would be dancing with, Earl.

- Are you?
- No, sir.

- It's about cooperation.
- Do you mind if I call you Earl?

Oh, no. No problem.

Earl, how long have you been
with the post office?

- Oh, well, it's going on eleven years now.
- Eleven years.

And have you had
the same route for most of it?

Oh, yes, sir.
That's how I like it.

Okay. And probably getting pretty
close to your pension here?

Oh, you bet. Yes.

Who's the Earl, girl?

- Who's the girl, Earl?
- Whoa, am I under arrest here?

No, you're not under arrest.
God, that was loud. It scared me too.

But we need some answers.

The guy out there is
talking about coupon videos.

You seem to not know
a darn thing about it.

That had nothing to...
I don't know what he was talking about.

You might want to talk to Adam,
'cause I have no idea about any girl...

- Adam. What's his last name?
- Phillips.

Adam Phil... Two L's?

You're not giving me
enough here!

I think it's pretty clear that
Earl doesn't know anything.

I think your coworker must have
got his signals crossed somehow.

- Yes, sir.
- Unfortunately, there is one kind

of uncomfortable question
pertaining to this.

Yes, sir.

Have you ever danced
with a tiger?

It was his joke.
It wasn't...

- Tiger dance.
- What are you... Don't dance.

Anyway, thank you so much.
I appreciate you.

- Sure thing. No problem.
- Sorry about the confusion.

- Oh, no. It's cool.
- Have a good time out there.

The hell was that?
I had him on the ropes.

Screaming at somebody doesn't
make 'em tell you the truth.

He could've been sweating bullets.
I had him bent, man.

Let's agree to disagree.
We're gonna go for a ride.

Hey, Earl!

Oh, hey!

There you go. Yeah.

Uh, that top one right there for JoJo
is real, real important, Ms. Johnson.

Oh, that girl
been up to something.

You just gotta promise that she
get that letter, Ms. Johnson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you the mailman.
Now, I get how this shit works.

Yeah,
I don't know about that interaction.

And now
he's just standing there.

The DMV database lists
two names at 1579 Clayton.

Josephine Johnson,
60 years of age,

and Joanna Johnson,
33 years of age.

Joanna Johnson.

The fuck's that sound?

It's 120 degrees.
Car's overheating, and the fan's dying.

Go ahead. Roll down your windows,
and, uh, I gotta kill the engine here.

That's no good.

Ooh. Okay.

Joanna Johnson.
Joanna John... JJ. Jo...

Oh! JoJo?

We must be crazy. Oh, my God.
I don't have any cell service. Do you?

Will you relax? I promise I will
not let anything happen to you.

You can't promise that.

You have no idea what
you're asking me to do here.

I understand.

No, you do not understand.

- All right.
- What the fuck is this?

Okay.

Wait.
Is that a helicopter? What?

Talk about a stockpile. Yikes.

Oh, my God.
Is that a missile?

Okay.

- We got it.
- All right. Oh, you're gonna get...

Gentlemen.
Thank you. Whoop.

Oh, sure.

This is Captain Pain.

These are the guns
I was telling you about.

Captain Pain. Connie.

Stephanie Kaminski.
Nice to m... meet you.

This is a cool place
you guys have.

- What the fuck is this?
- All right, boys.

I think you guys love guns as
much as I love guns, right?

So, uh, like we told
your friend Rattlesnake,

we just happen to have
a surplus in our stockpile.

- One too many.
- Personal favorite.

This here is the KelTec
pump-action shotgun.

- Easy, easy.
- It's cool.

It's not loaded. You can ch...
Connie, just show 'em.

Easy to handle, quickest reload
on the market. You know, even...

Do you wanna take
a look at that, Sandman?

- So hot. I'm gonna faint.
- I just found it. It's, uh...

She says, and I quote,

"A friend sent a video of an
African-American woman going on and on."

That woman
was in a coupon video.

- And all things being equal...
- Uh, the... Don't say it.

"The simplest explanation tends
to be the right one." Yeah.

- So, where are you, JoJo?
- Where are you, JoJo?

No deal.

- All right. Let's wrap it up. Let's go.
- Wait, wait.

No. It's just... We thought
the money was dirty, so w...

What did you say?

- Whose money's dirty? Our money's dirty?
- Wait!

- We thought our money...
- What did you just say?

Don't even... What she meant was,
we came into a bunch of fucking money.

It doesn't matter how.

We thought it was dirty.
It was not.

We bought all these guns,
and now we have to off-load them.

That's it.

And we'll give you
a really good discount.

What kind of discount?

- Eleven hundred each? Seventy thousand?
- That's retail.

- That is not retail!
- Get outta here, dude.

Fifty.

- Sixty-five.
- Sixty.

Sixty-five.
It's a good deal.

Okay. You got a deal.

We'll take 'em all.

Don't do that. Ken.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Yo, heads up. Heads up.

Okay.

Is that her? Is that J...
That's JoJo?

Yeah. Well,
she pulled in the right driveway.

Well, we'll see
in a minute here.

JoJo! JoJo! JoJo!

JoJo! JoJo! JoJo!

JoJo! Jo...

Okay. You got a deal.

What the hell is she doing?

Happiness is
when what you think, say and do...

Think that's Joanna Johnson?

That's JoJo.

Now we just gotta see
who she's working with.

Wow.
That was quite a show.

Yeah. The hell?
So, okay, now what?

Now. Now we wait.

Wait?

Isn't that what we been doing
all damn day?

Why don't we just go on her front
lawn, knock on the door and arrest her?

Arrest her?
Arrest her for what?

For putting on a damn show
in her driveway?

You know, Ken, you actually
do have to collect evidence.

Okay, well, if we're gonna
be here all dang night,

then I'm just gonna pull
my trousers up.

What's that noise?

That noise.

That's the...
Oh, God.

Geez. Are you regular?

Huh?

Every morning, I shit like clockwork.

So what is that,
some kind of a shit alarm?

- No...
- What's with the chimes?

Yeah, well, the chimes are soothing.
They set things in motion.

I'm just trying to find
out what's going on.

- Ma, it's none of your business.
- No, hey, hey!

I'm not one of
your little friends... Ow.

Oh. Every time
I yell at you, it hurts.

I call it my JoJo pain.

Ma.

I'm sorry. Okay, Mama?
Come here.

- Oh!
- My mama.

- I'm sorry. I'm just working hard, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

How you think I'm able to buy all this
new stuff and pay all these bills?

Another stack of them bills
shown up here yesterday.

Okay. I'm gonna
take care of it later.

- Love you, Ma. See you later, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Don't come in here late!

Hold up.
Target's on the move.

- Eyes open. Just stay alert here.
- All right.

Okay.

Hold it together, Ken.
This is your white whale.

You ever hear of Mr. Zip?

No, I haven't
heard of that guy.

- Robert A. Moon.
- Mmm.

You don't get to the
top of Mount Everest by following...

He's the genius
behind the zip code.

The journey is the destina...

We'll turn around
up here and circle back.

Yeah, I'm just saying
it's not good to hold it in.

- Oh, God.
- Hang on.

Where'd the minivan come from?

I don't wanna
startle you, Simon,

but, uh, you should know

that I'm prepared to take
this thing the whole way.

What?

What are you saying?

I'm gonna shit my pants,
but that's okay.

No. Actually, Ken,
that's not okay.

Okay? There's not a world that
exists where that would be okay.

Well, in this world
it does exist. This is real.

You gotta embrace it 'cause I'm
not getting out of this vehicle.

Ken.

Ken.

You don't shit...
You don't shit in the car.

Okay, I'm gonna do a bank run.
I'll be back in a jiff.

Perfect.

All men are forced to make
difficult decisions. This is mine.

We're too close,
and I have come too far.

I hear everything
you're saying.

You don't shit
in the car, Ken.

You don't shit
in the car.

It's a rental. You pay a cleaning fee.
Everybody moves on.

Yeah, it's a rental
that I rented.

Most people wouldn't even
tell me that they had to shit.

They just would make up an excuse
and they'd get out of the car, okay?

You're a grown man, Ken.

Go walk to the restroom.

Go shit
in the fucking brush.

I really don't care.
Just figure it out and go and take a...

Holy shit.

Late 30s.

Slim build, 5'1".
Seems cheerful enough.

My white whale.

Ah. There she blows.

Jesus Christ!

Fucking animal.

Are you serious?

Are you fucking crazy?

Jesus Christ! You can't
just take a shit in a car.

I know. I'm sorry.

To be fair, this is like
my beach in Normandy...

No, it's not. This isn't heroic.
This is bad stomach management.

Your ass smells like a fucking
outhouse at a carnival.

Go wipe your ass
like a puppy on the grass.

Get that fucking ass
out of here.

I don't wanna get it
on the seat,

so I'm gonna sit up like this,
or something.

Well, we got her.

A silver 2010 Dodge Caravan.

Now, that is registered
to Connie Kaminski,

born Connie Stevens
of Olathe, Kansas,

uh, both parents deceased,
and get this, former Olympian.

- Olympian? What event?
- Racewalking.

That's not real. Did you
say racewalking? That's a real thing?

It's a largely ignored
but often ridiculed event,

kinda like couponing.

Why are you wearing
pajama pants?

- I took one for the team. Yeah.
- He had an accident.

Nothing wrong
with a little elasticity.

Except in
a professional environment.

- I wish I was dressed different.
- Moving on.

Now, cashier Greg Garcia
corroborated.

Ooh! That's her.
That giant fucking smile.

I think
I got something here.

It's an invoice.
A lease on an airplane hangar.

An airplane hangar?

What the hell are they doing
with an airplane hangar?

Let's go, boys! Gear up.

I think
I owe you an apology.

You guys are like the FBI.

Negative.
FBI's like us.

Don't fuck with the post office.

Uh, you know,
careful out there.

Good luck, you know.
Do your thing.

Wanna do a ride-along?

You messing with me?

That's a 10-4.

Just stay out of the way
and listen.

So what are we dealing with?

Drug runners?
Arms dealers?

It's coupons.

Come again?

It's coupons.
It's two women counterfeiting coupons.

I mean,
this feels like a lot.

You don't think we're coming
in a little hot here, boss?

- Boss.
- All right, gentlemen. Lock and load!

Good Lord have mercy, Jesus.

My own child
fixing to suffocate me.

Ma. Oh, my gosh.

- Help me with this thing.
- Okay, okay.

Ma, I'm not trying to suffocate you.

I thought you stopped
breathing or something.

- I was trying to save your ass.
- Mm-hmm.

Ma, I can't sleep. I don't know.
I'm just anxious. I...

I fear something bad
must have happened.

- Ken.
- Yes, sir.

- Do not go near that house.
- No, sir.

I want you
staying by the vehicles.

I will fall back, sir.

- You are not in the military, Ken.
- Yes, sir.

Do not get
caught up in this moment.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hmm.

Dear JoJo,
you in some serious shit, girl.

You need to shake your booty out of
town 'cause the Feds are on to you.

From your number one fan.

- Hugs and kisses.
- Feds?

How was your trip?

Connie Kaminski. You're under arrest.

Show me your hands! Show 'em!

Keep 'em up. Don't move.

Freeze! Freeze!

What the hell
is going on here?

Okay. Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay. This is Joanna Johnson.
The po-po got in my house...

- Stop!
- Joanna Johnson! We have a warrant!

- Girl, I knew you was up to something.
- Ma, don't say anything. Ma!

In all my life I never had no
police up in my house like this.

Move! Go, go, go!

- With me! Move, move, move!
- Stairs clear!

This is a fuck ton
of coupons, sir.

Look, baby diapers.

Could use these. Just had one.

- I got the computer.
- Sir, what about this room full of food?

What about it?
It's food. Leave it.

Coming up, an anonymous tip helps
police seize a stockpile of guns

from a Phoenix militia.

But first, two local coupon
queens behind bars tonight

in what authorities
are calling

the largest counterfeit
coupon scam in history.

US postal inspectors
raided the women's...

How are you?

Look, let's get down
to brass tacks.

What do I get
if I turn state's evidence?

You really want me to believe you
don't have anything to do with this?

All you've told me is my wife's been
arrested for something involving coupons.

What, she used
an expired coupon?

Well, your wife ran
an intricate financial scam

involving
over 240 companies,

costing them tens of millions of
dollars, right under your nose.

And you're an auditor for
the Internal Revenue Service.

We have
separate bank accounts.

I'm sorry,
what did you say the site was?

It's Savvy Shopper
or some...

No, it doesn't...
It does not ring a bell. I'm sorry.

We recovered
your YouTube videos.

So shake your little booty on
down to savvysupersaver.com, okay?

Savvy. Super. Savvy. Super.
Savvysupersaver.com.

I'ma get a jingle for that so
y'all remember it forever. Okay?

Savvysupersaver.com. We got...

I thought
we deleted that shit.

Have you ever heard the term,
"Savvy Super Saver"?

- Well, quite obviously, yes.
- Okay.

I want you
to go in there with me.

What? Really?

I think you understand this
woman more than I do, so yeah.

Okay.

Connie, this is Ken Miller.

This is the, uh,
loss prevention officer

that was pivotal
in tracking you down.

- For starters, let's talk coupons.
- Okay.

What do you wanna know?

I mean, most people
undervalue coupons.

I don't undervalue coupons.

No. I guess you don't.

I suppose that's why I'm here.

But, you know, most people do.

Well, here's what I think.
I think you preyed on people.

I think nobody understands better than
you that people use coupons to save money

or to buy things that they need,
and I think you took advantage of that.

No. No, you're wrong.

Tell me how I'm wrong.

- That's not really why...
- That's not what...

That's not really why people
use coupons.

It's not about what you buy.
It's about the, uh... the feeling you get.

They've done studies.

When folks use coupons,
their oxytocin levels,

they kinda spike and they get
that little tingly sensation.

They call it
the "coupon high."

Supposedly, it's better than intimacy
with another person, or so I've been told.

Sorry, I... I'm unclear.
Did you...

Have you not used a coupon
or have you not had sex?

T... What happened?

No, that's... Oh, no.
This is not about me. This is about you.

You... you had...
You had a good life, Connie.

You had the nice house
and loving husband.

Wha... Why... Why would you risk
losing all of that?

I knew I was worth more.

And what do you know
about my life?

Just 'cause you've watched me
from a distance

does not mean
you really know me.

You happy with the life
that you're living?

Haven't you ever wanted just
a little bit more out of life?

Maybe we just value
different things.

Well, I'll tell you what I value, Connie.
I value the law.

Just because you want
a little more out of life

does not give you an excuse
to break those laws.

Now, it is not my job
to judge you.

And you seem
like a nice enough lady.

But I want to make sure
that you are grasping

the gravity of the situation
that you're in.

It is one year
for every $100,000 of fraud.

So, with what you've stolen,
your sentencing is off the charts.

You are facing
40 years to life.

What?

- Uh...
- Thank you.

You should, uh, probably get
yourself a really good lawyer.

And if I were you, I would
pay full price for this one.

They said 40 years to life.

Forty years to life?

But they said that if I took full
responsibility for starting all of it,

they would go easy on you.

No, Connie.
What about you?

I'm up a creek either way.
It doesn't...

I did rope you into it,

and if I can make it easier
on you, then...

Can you believe they are
calling what we did fraud?

I know, that's so stup...

- It's like, we didn't defraud anybody.
- No.

- Now, theft... Maybe. A little.
- Maybe theft. Maybe.

Joanna Johnson?

That's me. Hi.

You made bail.
Let's go.

Mama Josie.

- Connie Kaminski?
- Ooh! That's me!

- I made bail too?
- No. You got a visitor.

What the fuck, Connie?

I told you
that I stopped using coupons.

I just didn't tell you
that I started selling them.

Look, it's a good job.

It's not a job!

Would you...
Would you just bail me out?

Oh, you don't have
a coupon for that?

Rick, next time
you walk into a room

and you think everyone there
is sorry to see you,

just know it's not 'cause
you're an auditor.

It's 'cause you're an asshole.

I'd like a divorce.

Earl?

- Hey!
- Hey.

- These are for you.
- I... Oh, thank you.

I thought you
were my mama, so...

Yeah, well, I think your mama's
cooperating with the authorities.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah.

- Well, thank you. This is nice.
- You're welcome.

How you doing?

- Um... I'm doing. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Better days.

Just got the official tally.

Over 40 million dollars' worth
of counterfeit coupons.

We traced it back
to a facility in Mexico,

a US company
called Advanced Solutions.

It's the same place that makes
the real coupons, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Used to be up in Michigan.

Moved down to Mexico to save some money.
They got a factory overseas too.

We know who their
Mexican counterparts were?

Uh, yeah.
Advanced Solutions employees

Alejandro and Rosa Diaz,
husband and wife.

One of Kaminski's
aliases would wire money orders

totaling well over a million
dollars, and that's a lot of pesos.

Mexican government
gonna pursue 'em?

Nope.
Trail's gone cold.

Uh, when news of the arrests
broke, these two disappeared.

They're probably sitting on a
beach somewhere drinking mai tais.

My lawyer,
this super expensive fella,

sure had an interesting way
of looking at things.

All you did was take
advantage of a loophole.

These corporations you're accused of
exploiting use loopholes all the time

and take advantage
of a broken system.

He always liked to say...

Just because someone says
something, doesn't make it true.

The funny thing is,
whenever he said it,

most everyone
took it to be fact.

My client is just following the
lead of a successful corporation.

Will the defendants
please rise?

Through all this,
I've learned more about coupons

and America's shopping habits
than I ever cared to know.

The court has considered the nature
and circumstances of the offense

in arriving at a sentence for Ms.
Johnson and Mrs. Kaminski.

The court sentences
the defendant Joanna Johnson

to ten days in jail suspended
and one-year probation.

As for the defendant,
Connie Kaminski,

she will be incarcerated in the
Arizona Department of Corrections

for a term of 11 months,
with the possibility of parole.

That's all.

Oh, my G...

Well, lookee there.

First time in history
a Black woman gets off

and a white woman gets to do
some time.

That loss
prevention guy was right.

You get what you pay for.

Not 40 years to life. Just...

Eleven fucking months!

All right. Look,
you didn't hear this from me,

but we may have received multiple
phone calls from numerous corporations,

saying, you know, uh,
"We don't want our logo on the news.

- Our shareholders... Keep it quiet."
- Oh, God.

Bottom line, they just
want this to go away.

The damage she's done, we're gonna
throw the rules out the window?

They don't matter?
She cost P&G alone $80 million.

For P&G and for every other
company, this was just a write-off.

And, uh, it'll probably be
eight with good behavior.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
I-I just... I don't get it.

So, uh, you're telling me that's it?
Move on, it's over?

Well, that's all there is.
That's law enforcement.

You just do the best that you can, Ken.
You try to be fair.

You follow the law and if everything
goes well, you get to go home safe,

and hopefully to someone
that you love.

Which reminds me,
I need to call my wife.

See you later.

- Oh, one more thing.
- Wow.

I almost forgot.

Dated December 3rd, 1918.

"My dearest Leo,
when word arrived from Pastor Holbrook

that your injuries
were not life-threatening,

and that you were on your way
back home to us,

my heart leapt from my chest.

Our little Irene could not decipher
my tears as those of pure joy.

My only hope now is that you receive
this letter before you depart,

and that my words
will accompany you

on your arduous journey
back home.

With grace,
faith and love. Mary."

This one's for you.

What? Really?

- Oh... Not the letter.
- You can't separate the letters.

What good would the letters be
if they weren't together?

- Right.
- The letters are kind of archival.

What I mean is that
this lesson is for you.

The lesson's for you, Ken.

You're a good man.

I enjoyed working
alongside you.

Don't go searching for too much.
You're pretty great the way you are.

Could you just make
an exception?

Uh, honor it.
Yeah. Give her a discount.

You may be asking yourself,

"Who won and who lost
through all of this?"

And I guess that's
really for you to decide.

Yes!

Rick and I got a divorce.

So, yeah.
I guess I lost my husband.

But not in the way
you lose something important,

like your car keys or your cell
phone or something like that.

- Please, take it all.
- I just wanna get rid of it.

Definitely don't need those.

Ah, careful now. You don't know
what you need till it's gone.

Sage advice. You get that
from your parole officer?

And after paying
the fancy lawyer,

we still have
a little money left over.

As for JoJo, she finally figured
out exactly what Earl was thinking.

Have you ever been
to Montenegro?

We need that guy.

Why that guy?

'Cause he's
already bending the rules.

JoJo says I'm gonna love it
when I get there.

In fact, she's already found
the perfect spot

for our new
and improved business.

Oh, and did you know Montenegro
has no extradition to the US?

If you ever find yourself
doing a stretch in the slammer,

you should still try to make
every day count.

Especially your last day.

Sometimes you look back
and you think,

"Well, if that didn't happen and that
didn't happen and that didn't happen,

I wouldn't be who I am today."

Betcha I can walk a mile
faster than you can run one.

And it turns out,

it really doesn't matter how
you get to the finish line.

Just as long as you get there.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull