All language subtitles for Will Any Gentleman - 1953.eng

(gentle music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(upbeat orchestral music)

(Playful music)

(bright music)

(jaunty music)

Thank you very much, madam.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, madam.

[Customer] Good afternoon.

Five pounds cash.

(clerk clears throat)

Mr. Brown will deal with this today.

Mr. Brown. Which is him?

Just along the counter,
sir, if you'll be good enough.

Gimme five ones, please.

Very good, sir.

(gentle music)

Oh dear. (chuckles)

Excuse me. Just be a moment, sir.

Mr. Coding.

Mr. Frobisher.

(Playful music)

(clerks chattering)

That gentleman, yes.

You better deal with this, Mr. Sterling.

Oh certainly, Mr. Frobisher.

Thank you.

Would you mind coming
along here, please, sir?

Nice afternoon, sir?

Nevermind about the weather. Cash that.

Yes, sir. Five pounds.

No, you haven't endorsed
it, sir. So, sorry.

Oh.

(Henry gasps)

What's the matter with all of ya?

Is there anything wrong with that check?

No, sir, nothing that can't be put right

in a month or two.

- Aye?
- I mean a moment or two, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

(knuckles tapping)

[Mr. Jackson] Come in.

I thought this would happen.

I knew it would happen!

I knew it.

You're actually asking
me to honour a check

when there are no funds to meet it

and no security to cover it?

But it's a check given
by my own brother, sir.

Yes, I fully realise that.

If you'd overlook it just
this once, Mr. Jackson,

I'll see that it doesn't
happen again, sir.

You needn't worry.

I've had enough of your brother.

He can take his overdraft somewhere else.

Things may have been different
when your father was here,

but I'm manager of this bank now.

There you are. RD.

RD.

Mr. Hobson might go to the police, sir.

I'm sorry, Sterling.

Ah.
(phone ringing)

Well?

RD.

R what?

D.

So that's it. Refer to drawer.

I'll settle Charley Sterling.

If he doesn't pay up,
I'll go to the police.

I'll get him six months for this.

If it's the last thing I
do, I'll get 'em six months.

Take my advice, Mr. Sterling,
and have a word

with that brother of yours or
he'll be getting into trouble.

Oh no, sir. Yes, yes, sir.

(bright music)

Good evening.

Good evening.

(bright music continues)

Mr. Sterling.

Mrs. Sterling wanted me

to tell you that...
Beryl.

It's all right, I'll tell Mr. Sterling.

What's the matter?

~ Shh!

Your brother's in there.

- Charley?
- Yes.

What on Earth's he doing here?

What do you think? Wants
to borrow money, of course.

Well, of all the nerve.

Shh! Henry.

Now don't let him.

Florence, leave this to me.

I've something I want to say to Charley.

Charley?

Henry, my dear fella.

There you are. I've been waiting for you.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

Good.

- Charley.
- Yes.

I'm very cross with you.

Oh, why?

Well, why did you go and
give that check to Mr. Hobson?

You must've known you
hadn't anything in the bank.

I knew nothing of the sort.

Never in the whole of my life, Henry,

have I ever given out
a check without hoping

there'd be something to meet it.

Or at least halfway.

You know that, don't you, Henry?

- Well, I-
- Well, of course.

It's just that I'm too optimistic.

Why, I know I'm extravagant,
Henry, and a bit wild,

but I'm not like you, you know.

You don't know how I envy you
sometimes with a nice wife,

happy home, good steady job
with a pension at the end of it.

No, such things are not for me, Henry.

I'm just no good, that's all.

Oh, steady, Charley.

Well, I've had nothing
to eat since breakfast.

Oh, I say, I am thoughtless.

Oh no, not really.

Look, Charley, would
you like a cup of tea?

Tea? What, at six o'clock?

You trying to kill me?

No, I'm too upset to drink anything.

Unless it might be something
to pull me together.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Oh.

Look, Charley, would
it help if I lent you

the five pounds to pay Mr. Hobson?

Oh, you don't know how happy

that would make me and Mr. Hobson.

And we do want people
to be happy, don't we?

Are you including me?

Well, of course we're including you.

I mean after all you're my brother's wife.

Naturally we want you to be happy.

Then stop trying to
borrow money from Henry.

Just because you know
I have money of my own.

I won't allow it.

Henry, you're not to
lend him one farthing.

Look, Florence, I must
help him just this once.

But you've been helping
him just this once

for as long as I can remember,
and it's got to stop.

I won't have you lending Charley money

to buy champagne for some chorus girl.

But it isn't for a chorus
girl. It's for Mr. Hobson.

I don't care who it's for.

You're not to borrow it from Henry.

Sorry, Charley.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll manage somehow.

(Playful music)

Now, what should we
do this evening, hmm?

Oh, darling, it's my
evening for the Rotary Club.

Oh yes, well.

I think I'll pop round to Mother's then.

Oh, I must see how dinner's getting along.

No, no, I'm not hungry, darling.

Thank you very much.

Still worrying about Charley, dear?

No, no.

Knowing Charley, I wouldn't mind betting

that he'll be doing himself
well in a hotel somewhere.

Oh, I do hope so.

They don't get very much
to eat in prison, do they?

Men like Charley don't
go to prison, darling.

I don't know why, but they just never do.

He really is in trouble this time.

It'll teach him a lesson.
Dinner won't be long.

(bright music)

Poor old Charley.

Oh, good evening.

Could I see Mr. Hobson,
the manager, please?

You're not after no
free tickets are you, sir?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Oh, well, if you ask at the box office

they'll tell you where he is, sir.

The box office.

Thank you very much.

(audience applauds)

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Yes'?

It is Mr. Hobson, isn't it?

That's right.

I've come to see you.

Haven't I seen you before somewhere?

Yes, that's right, as a matter of fact-

- This afternoon at the bank.

Yes, my brother's check.

- Your brother?
- Yes.

You're not Charley Sterling's brother.

Yes, that's right.

You're looking for trouble, ain't ya?

No, no, no.

I've come to pay you that
five pounds, Mr. Hobson.

Aye?

Yes. There you are.

Whoa.

I can't tell you how I
appreciate that, Mr. Sterling.

So you're actually doing this
for your brother, are ya?

Yes.

Tell me, have you ever met him?

Oh, he's a very good
chap at heart, Mr. Hobson.

- Is he really?
- Yes.

I suppose he grows on you.

Yes, I suppose he does.

Can I have the check?

Here we are.

Thank you very much.
Goodnight, Mr. Hobson.

Oh, just a minute.

- Yes?
- Have you seen this show?

Oh, good gracious no.

- You haven't?
- No, no, no.

Well, come inside and enjoy yourself.

No, no, no, thank you.

Now, I insist. This is on me.

I don't like

- this sort of thing.
- Now, I won't take no

for an answer.

- Oh, but I-
- Shh. Go in.

I'm going to the Rotary Club.

(upbeat can-can music)

(man speaking in foreign language)

Oh.

No, no, it's all right.

Thank you very much.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

(man grunts)

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Beg your pardon.

So sorry.

(upbeat can-can music continues)

(audience applauds)

(upbeat can-can music)

Excuse me, please. Excuse me.

Sit down.

You've only just come in.

What's the matter with you?

I've got to go to the Rotary Club.

(audience cheers)
(audience applauds)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(audience applauds)

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with much pleasure

that I introduce myself to you

at this music hall this evening.

(audience laughs)

Please do not make merriment against me

because my British is very good not.

I am Mendoza!

The world-famous psychological hypnotist.

Of course, I know there
are many cynical people

who do not believe in the mystic power.

To them I can only say wait and see.

And now, will any gentleman

come on the stage with me, please?

You, sir.
(audience chattering)

Come along now.

Any gentleman, somebody!

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

That was very quick.

Give the gentleman a big hand, hmm?

(audience applauds)

Sometimes I have much
trouble to persuade somebody.

I have much pleasure
with meeting with you.

Come this way, please. What is your name?

Can you hear?

[Men] No!

Albert Boyle.

Boyle, oh, that is depressing.

Hmm, I think he should
forget a name like that.

How can I?

You are going to.

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, yes you are.

You are even going to
forget that you have been

to this music hall this evening.

Look at me.

Look at my eyes.

(mysterious music)

Already you are forgetting your name.

You are forgetting. You are forgetting.

(snapping) You have forgot.

What is your name?

What is your name?

Ooh, I can't remember a thing.

(audience applauds)

Sit down.

Why does he look so miserable, hmm?

This is a place for happiness!

(audience laughs)

Look at me.

You're a very happy man, do you hear?

You're so happy you laugh
nearly all the time.

Laugh. Laugh!

(both laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience applauds)

Shh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I cannot sufficiently stress

the importance that nobody leave me

before they have been
returned to normal condition.

Even for him, it could be very serious.

But don't worry.

Before I leave the stage I
will bring him safely back

to all the unhappiness of
complete consciousness.

(audience laughs)

And now, (snaps)

(drum roll music)

my Angel!

(audience applauds)
(dramatic music)

Oh, she is so sweet.

We have such friendships together.

I am her guardian.

(Albert laughs)
(audience laughs)

And now, will any
gentleman who is very shy

please come on the stage?

No, no, no.

Particular I wish for
somebody who is very shy.

What about you, sir'?

- Come on, huh? No?
- Oh, sir!

Will you, sir'?

Sir?

Oh, come along. Please, somebody.

Okay. I tell you what I do.

I send my Angel down to find the shy man.

(audience applauds)
(gentle music)

What about you?

Come on. No?

Oh, come on. He won't hurt you.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Surely there must be someone
sitting here who is shy.

What about me? Would I do?

Oh, no, sir. You don't look at all shy.

(audience laughs)

Oh, thank you, sir.

You're just the one we want. Come on.

- Go on up there.
- Oh, come on, sir!

(audience applauds)

Come along, sir. I'm
not going to hurt you.

Oh!

Oh, now there.

Uh, uh, uh, no running away.

My umbrella.

Why, it isn't raining.

(audience laughs)
No, that's mine.

Hold that for the gentleman.

(Albert laughs)

Shh!

Oh, you are not cross with my Angel, huh?

No, no, it's not that,

but I don't like this sort of thing.

You have no respect for my work?

No, I just don't believe in it.

Oh, you are septic.

Look at me!

Look at my eyes.

Now listen, my little septic friend.

Listen to what I say.

Everything I ask you, you
will tell me the truth.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

(mysterious music)

What is your name?

Henry.

Henry. What else?

NO...

You don't want to tell me?

NO...

Why not?

My wife thinks I'm at a Rotary meeting.

(audience laughs)
Oh, so you play

the naughty boy, huh,
and now you are afraid

for your respectability, is that it?

Yes.

Just a little respectable
citizen who works hard,

pays his income tax, and
kisses his wife on the cheek,

and never looks at another woman.

Is that correct?

Yes.

You know something'?

I think there is another side of him.

We shall soon see.

Cut the lights!

Now, Mr. Henry, you are
rigid like steel, you hear?

Yes.

Let yourself go.

(music descends)

(audience gasps)

No complexes, no inhibitions,
no respectabilities.

Let yourself go.

(music ascends)

(audience applauds)

How do you feel now, hmm?

Like you have had many
bottles of champagne, huh?

(both chuckling)

No longer the little fellow.

- Oh, no.
- Now you are

the ladies man with plenty
of wine, women, and song!

- Is that right?
- Rather.

Throw the lights, please!

What, so soon?

(audience laughs)
What do you think of her, hmm?

[Henry] Oh, I say she's
jolly good, isn't she?

Would you like to kiss her?

I wanted to kiss her the
moment she walked onto the stage.

~ Oh?

I think you're the loveliest
thing I've ever seen.

Oh.

No, no, I feel I've
known you all my life.

Now, he is remembering
the first little girl

he kissed at school.

(audience laughs)

I don't know who he is remembering now.

I don't think it's his wife.

(audience laughs)

Oh.

Oh.

I say, do you mind going away, old man?

I want to be alone with Angel.

Hey, wait a minute!

(Mendoza laughs)

I say, did you hear what I said?

Yes, it's very funny. (chuckles)

Excuse me, my dear, there's only one way

to deal with a chap like this.

Oh, don't be a fool.

Oh, please do remember you are

in front of the great British public, hmm?

(audience laughs)

(Albert laughing)

Shh!

Are you dictating to me, sir?

We don't stand for dictators
in this country you know.

- Mendoza, do something.
- No, no.

I only wish to stroke your face.

(audience laughs)

I know, I know, you will.

(audience laughs)

(audience members gasp)
(audience chattering)

(audience applauds)

Angel, don't run away.

I don't want you to run like this.

(audience applauds)
(dramatic music)

[Announcer] Completely terror-stricken,

she heard the front door
being quietly opened.

For a moment, there was utter silence.

And then, so quietly that
the beating of her heart

almost muffled the slight noise,
the front door was closed.

(door slams)
(maid gasps)

# Hey ding, ding, ding #

# Sweet lovers love the spring #

# Hey ding, ding, ding #

# Hey ding #

# Sweet lovers love the spring #

Whatever's the matter, sir?

Where's your 'gasket'? Where have you been'?

That's funny, I can't seem to remember.

Oh, shall I get you a cup of tea, sir?

Tea? No, I want a drink.

A drink, sir?

Yes, a drink. Gin, whiskey, brandy.

A drink.

Whiskey, sir? For you, sir'?

Why not?

But Mrs. Sterling only
keeps it for visitors.

Well, from now on she
keeps it for me, Beryl.

Thank you.

But what will Mrs. Sterling say?

Don't keep worrying about Mrs. Sterling.

You seem to forget there's a Mr. Sterling.

I've never seen you
touch alcohol before, sir.

Oh well, there's a first
time for everything, Beryl.

Henry! What on Earth are you doing?

Here's how, dear.

(gasps) What's he been doing?

How did he get like this?

I don't know, ma'am.

(music descends)
(gasps) Oh, look!

Henry! Henry!

(music ascends)

He's fast asleep.

Beryl, he's got lipstick on his mouth.

I know, madam.

I saw it as...
Look out!

As soon as he came in, but
it's nothing to do with me.

Henry, wake up. Wake up, Henry.

What?

Where am I?

You're at home.

At home?

But where's Angel?

' Angel?

I'll find out all about her later on.

But in the meantime, as you're obviously

not in your right mind,
I suggest you go to bed.

Where, dear?

To bed.

Certainly, dear.

(playful mysterious music)

But where did you go
after you left the house?

I can't remember anything.

That's what you keep telling me.

I left here to go to the Rotary Club.

[Florence] But you didn't
go to the Rotary Club.

What? How do you know?

I just tell telephoned.

They were expecting you
and they waited for you,

but you didn't turn up.

Then what did I do?

Darling, that's what
I'm trying to find out.

But you really can't expect me to believe

that you don't remember
anything at all, now can you?

But darling, I don't!

Oh, I'm gonna telephone Mother.

- Florence!
- What is it?

Florence, I remembered.

What? Henry.

Henry, what have you remembered?

Angel.

Oh!

(dramatic music)

(pillow thuds)
(Henry thuds)

[Henry] Good morning, Beryl.

Good morning, sir.

How are you feeling, sir?

Oh, I'm feeling fine.

Top of the world.

[Beryl] Oh sir!

What's the matter?

You've shaved off your moustache.

Yes, that's right.

Tell me, do you think it
makes me look more sporty?

Oh yes, sir. A real ladies man.

Oh, you think so, Beryl?

But what will they say at the bank?

The bank? Oh, I'm not
going to the bank today.

No, sir?

No, I'm going to the races.

Yes, that's it, Beryl.

I'm going to the races.

You know, the sport of kings.

Two to one, bar the field or something.

Should I get you an aspirin, sir?

An aspirin? No, thank you.

Just a cup of whiskey
with a dash of tea in it.

Yes, I think so.

(dishes clattering)

(Playful music)

(gasps) Oh, sir!

I beg your pardon, Beryl.

I do apologise.

Oh, please don't apologise, sir.

You're very welcome, I'm sure. (laughing)

Beryl. Beryl.

(Beryl laughing)

Mrs. Sterling will hear. Beryl!

Beryl.

(Beryl laughing)

Beryl! Whatever's the matter?

(Beryl laughing)

Beryl, come in here at once.

Now, pull yourself together
and tell me what's the matter.

(Beryl laughing)

Now, sit down and tell
me exactly what happened.

(Beryl laughs)

Beryl!
(hand smacks)

Now then, you took up the usual tea

to Mr. Sterling, is that right'?

Yes, ma'am.

[Florence] Did he drink it?

No, ma'am.

Then what did he do?

(Beryl giggles)

Well, you might as well tell me.

I'm bound to find out sooner or later.

It wasn't anything disgraceful, was it?

It might have seemed
disgraceful to you, madam,

but looking at it from the
lonely dullness of my existence,

it was a human contact that
I shall always remember

as something rather beautiful.

Good morning, Beryl.

We've met before, sir,
if you remember. (giggles)

I don't think I want any
breakfast this morning,

thank you, dear.

Whatever have you done to your face?

Oh yes. Shaved off my moustache.

Henry, you are not leaving this house

until you tell me exactly
what you did to Beryl.

I pinched her.

Where?

In the bedroom.

[Florence] Henry?

Yes, dear?

You better take these as you seem

to have lost everything else.

Oh, yes, dear.

You'll have to hurry.
You're late as it is.

Goodbye, dear.

Bye.

(Playful music)

(Florence squeals)

By Jove.

(dramatic music)

(jaunty music)

Morning.

Good morning.

Oh!

(playful music continues)

Could I speak to Dr. Morgan, please?

It's Mrs. Henry Sterling
and it's very urgent.

Yes. Just one moment please.

Mrs. Henry Sterling to
speak to Dr. Morgan.

Well, that's all right.

As long as she doesn't tire herself.

But Dr. Morgan isn't
here. He's in Switzerland.

You're acting for him, remember?

Oh yes, yes. Of course, of course.

Well, tell her to read
a book or something.

I'll be with her in a moment.

I can't find my stethoscope.

I remember putting it
on Mrs. Mill's chest,

but I can't remember
where I put it after that.

But this is urgent.

Ooh, let me see. Thank you.

Hello? Mrs. Sterling?

Yes, yes. This is Dr. Morgan speaking.

No, no!

But I'm sorry, I made
a stupid mistake then.

This isn't Dr. Morgan speaking.

No, no, no. This is Dr. Smith speaking.

Dr. Morgan is in Australia.

Yes, that's correct. I'm his locum.

Actually, of course, I had retired.

Oh, many years ago, but
with this illness about,

I'm lending a helping hand wherever I can.

Much too old for the job, of course.

One can't help making
a slip now and again.

I've been working with
a broken thermometer

for the last three days.

One of my patient's must have bitten it.

Must be quite a lot of
quicksilver about somewhere.

What's that? Your husband?

Yes, yes.

Behaving very strangely? Yes.

(Henry singing in foreign language)

~ Shh!

[Customer] Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

1 pounds? Certainly, sir.

Like a bit of fun, sir?

How do you mean?

Toss ya. Double or quits.

It's a bet. You're on.

You call or me?

Heads.

You're wrong, ya know. It's tails.

Oh, jolly good, sir.

You're a very fine sport.
Thank you very much.

Don't mention it. Anytime.

Right-o.

# La la la la la la #

# La la la la la #

Shh!

Are those all the symptoms?

Yes. Oh, well, I think we
can cure him all right.

But you better pop round
here and see me first.

Say about five o'clock?

Yes. Splendid.

And don't worry about that

going to sleep standing up business.

I often do it myself.

By the way, you'd better
hide that whiskey.

If I were you, I would empty the decanter

and fill it up with quinine or something.

No, no, not nowadays. Nobody
can tell the difference.

Splendid. And don't
worry about your husband.

I'm sure he's as normal as I am.

Here you are, madam.

I've got the quinine.

Oh, thank you, Beryl.

It won't kill Mr. Sterling, will it?

Oh, don't ask silly questions.

Oh, by the way, Beryl,

I should forget about what
Mr. Sterling said last night.

I mean about that Angel person.

Oh, yes, madam, I didn't
take that seriously.

I know Mr. Sterling would
never look at another woman.

Oh, you don't say.

And where does your husband now?

In India.

Oh, that's a long way away.

I expect you get rather lonely, don't you?

Yes, I do rather.

Good.

Well, I'll be phoning you in a clay or two

about your overdraft.

I say, you're rather fresh, aren't you?

Fresh as a daisy, that's me.

But what about the three pounds?

Oh, the three, oh yes, yes, yes.

Here, one, two, three.

Thank you, and there's the check.

No, no, you keep that.

Have this one on the bank.

You know, you're really
rather sweet, aren't you?

Well, thank you so much. Goodbye.

I say, au revoir.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Jackson.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

No. Why, what have I done, sir?

You've given that woman money

and refused to take her check.

I've...

Oh no.

Oh yes.

Oh dear.

Well, go after her at
once and get it back!

At once, do you hear?

- Yes, Mr. Jackson.
- Go at once!

Right, yes, sir. Right away.

Right. Excuse me.

(dramatic music)

Look, I'm so sorry.

(gentle music)

I say!

(jaunty music)

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're not what I thought.

(gasps) Oh!

(soft bright music)

Sorry.

Hello? Hello?

Could I speak to Mr.
Charley Sterling, please?

Yes. No, this is his brother speaking.

Yes, it's very important.

It's a matter of life and death.

Yes. Thank you.

(footsteps tapping)

Good evening, sir.

Good evening. ls Mrs. Sterling in?

No, sir.

That's good.

How is he?

I've never known him better, sir.

Better? But I understood he was ill.

No, sir. He's gone to
the bank as usual, sir.

Then what the heck
are we whispering for?

Well, I don't know, sir. You started it.

I thought he was upstairs in bed dying.

He phoned me and said he
was breaking up completely.

He even begged me to come
round and look after him.

Yes, sir, I suppose he
does need looking after

in a round about sort of way.

But I'm sure that I could do that

if only his wife would let me. (giggling)

Oh my, what am I saying?

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh, excuse me, sir.

(gentle music)

Yes, sir'?

[Dr. Smith] Is this
Mr. Sterling's house?

[Beryl] Oh, would you
mind waiting a moment, sir?

I'll just see if he's in.

I have an appointment
with Mrs. Sterling.

Oh, but Doctor, Mrs. Sterling said

she had an appointment with you.

She's already left.

Oh, it really doesn't really
matter about Mrs. Sterling.

How's Mr. Sterling?

Well, there's nothing
physical wrong with him, sir.

I mean, not your sort of physical.

I don't think there's
anything you can do, really.

He's not dead, is he?

Oh no, sir. He's full
of the joie de vivre.

Oh, in that case I
better see him immediately.

Oh, but sir, he isn't upstairs.

I mean, you can't because he isn't-

- Don't tell me what I
can't and what he isn't.

Get on with your work. I'll find him.

Very good, sir.

Have a very busy time ahead of me.

I have two carbuncles, an
appendix, and an evening meal

all to fit in by seven o'clock.

(gentle music)

(Charley coughing)

Are you Mr. Sterling?

Well, I was.

I don't know how I am now.

Oh dear.

Somebody's just tried to poison me.

Yes, yes. Of course, of course.

It'll all pass away.

Oh, I hope so.

Who are you anyway?

Oh, don't take any notice of me.

I'm just an old friend of Mrs. Sterling.

A very, very old friend.

Yeah, I can see that.

(gentle music)

Do you hear music, hmm?

Yes, it's the wireless.

(chuckles) Thank goodness for that.

You don't mind if I turn it off, do you?

I find it rather disturbing.

Well now, to work. To work, to work.

How are you feeling now?

I'm feeling terrible.

Well, you brought it
on yourself, you know.

Fun and games last night, eh?

Yes.

Who told you?

A little bird.

That's the trouble with Blossom.

She can't keep anything to herself.

Blossom. I understood
her name to be Angel.

You know, I don't think
we're on the same wavelength.

Now, now, don't try to
mislead me, Mr. Sterling.

What do you mean?

I am not a psychologist,
but without doubt,

removing your moustache

had some deep psychological significance.

Quite possibly it was an
echo of that far-off day

when you finally threw aside
the love and protection

afforded you by a fond and loving mother.

What the blazes are you talking about?

I don't know yet, but
I'm going to find out.

Have you told your wife everything?

My wife? But I'm not married.

Mr. Sterling, much as I dislike
having to put people away,

I'm afraid in your case
there is no alternative.

What do you mean? There's
nothing wrong with me.

Oh, yes there is.

You are balancing on a pinpoint.

I am?

You are walking on the
very edge of thin ice.

Oh.

Some long-forgotten
anxiety or oppression

has taken complete control
of your unutilized libido.

Good heavens.

Even if you were as sane as I am,

you should be certified at once.

Huh?

(clock chiming)

Dear me. How tempus fugits.

I'm afraid my carbuncles will
have to wait till tomorrow.

You see, I have one at Swiss Cottage

and another one at Victoria.

It makes things so difficult.

Now, remove your jacket, please,

and I will take your blood
pressure. (clicks tongue)

Hello, Beryl.

You must have been waiting for me.

That's right, sir.

Charming. Charming.

Say, you are looking flushed.

Haven't got a temperature, have you?

I believe I might have, sir,
in a roundabout sort of way.

(chuckles) You and
your little roundabouts.

Oh my, cigars do smell
wicked, don't they?

I mean, in a manly sort of way.

Yes, they do give one
an air, don't they, Beryl?

I say, Beryl, do you know what I've got

a particular fancy for at the moment?

No, sir.

Glass of sherry.

Oh.

Well, there is a half a
bottle, sir, in the kitchen,

but it's only cooking sherry.

We'll have it.

What, me as well, sir?

Yes, why not?

We'll be Bohemian.

Go on. I'll join you.

Oh, this is wonderful!

(Playful music)

(Beryl giggles)

Goodness gracious.

I wasn't really going to do that, was I?

Oh, Charley.

Charley, I'm very ill.

Oh, hello, Henry.

Hello.

- Good afternoon.
- Good evening.

Did I hear you refer to him as Charley?

Yes. That's his name.

Well, I thought it was Henry.

No, you silly old fossil.

He's Henry. I'm his brother, Charley.

You mean I've been dealing
with the wrong fellow?

Yes, you and your
psychological moustache.

I've got half a mind to claim damages.

I may have mistaken my patient, sir,

but by heaven, my diagnosis was correct.

(head thuds)

Where on Earth did you dig him up?

I've never seen him before in my life.

And talking about moustaches,
Henry, where's yours?

Oh yes, I shaved it off.

Oh? Why?

Well, I don't know, Charley.

You see, I wanted to keep it,

but the other me shaved it off.

Okay, don't you start.

I can't stand anymore of his goofy stuff.

You coming to the kitchen, sir'?

I've poured our sherry out.

That will do, Beryl. Thank you.

Very good, sir.

How long has that been going on?

Nothing's been going on, Charley.

It's just that something
keeps coming over me in waves.

One moment I'm perfectly normal,

and then suddenly...

Charley.

Yes'?

Last night.

What about last night?

I don't know. That's just it.

I don't know anything, except that-

- Except what?

Last night I went to the music hall.

- You?
- Yes.

(chuckles) What on Earth for?

Your five pounds.

I paid Mr. Hobson for you.

Oh, you did?

Well, thanks very much, old boy,

but what's that got to do with this?

Well look, don't tell Florence,

but Hobson asked me to see the show

and I remember sitting down to watch it.

' Yes, yes?

And that's all I do remember.

I just can't remember
anything else at all.

[Charley] You know what I think?

NO-

- I think the whole thing's psychological.

It's a throwback to something

that happened to you in your youth.

Tell me, can you ever remember

any long-forgotten
anxieties or oppressions?

NO-

- No balancing on a pinpoint?

NO-

- No walking on thin ice?

NO-

- What, nothing at all?

NO-

Oh, except that-

- Yes, go on.

Well, when I was about 11 years old,

I wrote something on the
bathroom wall at school.

Another boy got blamed for it

and I didn't admit it was my doing.

What did you write on the bathroom wall?

"Silly old teacher."

(dramatic music)

Henry, what is it?

I hated that school
as I hate all authority!

I'll let the bank know that.

Roters, routine, writing, 'rithmetic!

Rules, regulations, to blazes with them!

For the love of Pete, Henry,

what's the matter with you?

I'm sick of the little world I live in.

I give 10 years of my miserable existence

for one week, one week of
low high life in Paris.

By Jove.

Do you know what I've got

a particular fancy for at the moment?

Don't tell me, Henry. Write it down.

Charley, Charley, have you ever noticed

how furniture can begin to look at you?

Hmm? No.

Yes.

Staying exactly where
it's put year after year,

smug, silent, superior.

It dominates your whole life!

(clock chiming)

Listen to that clock.

It dictates my very
existence, my every movement.

It strikes nine and I go to the bank.

It strikes five and I
come home from the bank.

It strikes 10, I go to bed.

Look at it, Charley. Look at it.

It's actually smiling.

It's even got a face
like my mother-in-law.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

How dare you 'flak-took at me'?

- Charley.
- No, Henry, no.

Yes, Charley.

(glass breaking)

Henry, be reasonable.

Why? There's a lotta stuff
round here wants smashing up.

' [Charley] Henry!

(glass breaking)

(frenetic music)

(Henry cackles)

Mrs. Whittle, you've been
staring at me like that

ever since my wedding
breakfast, haven't you?

Well, I've had enough.

' No, Henry!

(glass breaking)
Henry!

Not Mrs. Whittle!

Yes, you've been asking
for it for a long time.

Henry, don't.

That's valuable. It's a genuine imitation.

Ah.

(glass breaking)

I'm going abroad!

[Charley] Not now!

[Henry] Yes, now!

Henry, think it over!

For my sake!

(glass breaking)

Stall it. I'm coming with you!

(frenetic music)

(Beryl gasps)

' Sir!

Thank you.

Leave me alone.

Ah! Ah, moon of my delight.

Oh, sir.

Beryl, can you imagine
life on a coral reef?

The flying fish, the scented
trees, the coloured birds.

And you and me with flowers in our hair.

[Florence] Henry!

(playful dramatic music)

Florence.

What do you think you're doing?

I've had another of my moods.

You're telling me.

(dustpan clattering)

And then to talk to Beryl as you did.

If you don't pull
yourself together, Henry,

you're gonna be dismissed from the bank.

You're wrong, Florence.

If I don't pull myself together,

I'm going to find myself in jail.

In jail?

What do you mean?

This morning I did something terrible.

What?

I took 300 pounds
from the manager's safe.

Oh no!

300 pounds!

What did you do with it?

I put it back.

(Florence sighs)

I always take my elevenses in a room

near the manager's office
and there's a little safe

in the corner, and this
morning it was open.

I was just about to take my
sandwiches out of my briefcase

when I suddenly found myself staring

at 300 pounds in five-pound notes.

And I heard myself whispering,
"300 pounds at 10 to 1,

that's 3,000 pounds."

And before I could realise
what was happening,

my hand moved forward
and picked up the notes

and put them into my briefcase.

Immediately, a wave of
horror swept over me

and I put them back again.

It was then there seemed to be two of me.

I actually watched my
hand going to and fro,

taking the notes, putting them back.

Into the safe, out of the safe.

Into my briefcase, out of my briefcase.

And then with a superhuman effort,

I wrenched the notes out of my bag

and flung them into the safe

and slammed the door and ran away.

Oh, Florence, that doesn't
make me a thief, does it?

No, dear.

It shows that nothing
could make you a thief.

(doorbell buzzes)

Henry, have you told me everything?

Yes.

You haven't kept the little
tidbit back a surprise, hmm?

No, I don't think so.

Because if you have, Henry,
we're going to get it now.

There's a gentleman to see Mr. Sterling.

Who is it, Beryl?

Well, I asked him what his name was,

but he said he didn't know.

You'd better show him in.

Very good, madam.

Will you come this way, please?

(mysterious music)

Good evening, all.

I seem to know your face.

I seem to know yours, too.

(mysterious music continues)

But who are you?

Well, it's rather hard to explain, sir.

I know who I am, but I
can't remember my name.

It's very worrying. (laughs)

That's another thing.

Just because I laugh, it doesn't mean

that I think anything's funny.

On the contrary. I'm
very depressed. (laughs)

You see, if I don't manage
to stop this laughing,

I'll lose my job.

What is your job?

I'm an undertaker. (laughs)

Why have you called here?

Well, sir, if you're Mr.
Sterling, I've got your jacket.

Where did you find it?

Somebody gave it to me last night.

Where were you last night?

That's something else I can't remember,

but I know we were together, sir.

Together?

Oh yes, sir.

But you must remember more than that.

I mean, were you in a club
or a hotel or something?

For the life of me I
can't place it, madam.

But I know there was
a lot of fun going on.

I remember somebody putting the lights out

and I remember wearing your bowler hat

while you were kissing that girl.

Oh!

You enjoyed yourself, you did.

I was very unhappy. (laughs)

But how did you know
where to find Mr. Sterling?

His card was in his
wallet in his jacket, sir.

I only found it this morning.

Thank you. I think I'd
like to talk to you alone.

I may be able to help your memory.

Oh, it isn't that I forget things.

It's just that I can't remember. (laughs)

Charley, what does this mean?

What have I been doing?

Do you think I should see a lawyer?

Look, for Pete's sake,
don't start getting morbid.

You've got to look on the bright side.

(chuckles) If there is one.

It must be some consolation to you to know

that you couldn't possibly
be in a worse mess

than you're in right now.

Please, sir, I found your
case on the floor in the hall.

It was open, sir, and it's full of money.

Money?

Oh. Oh.

Now what's the matter?

300 pounds.

And that means?

I put my sandwiches in the safe.

(sombre music)
(Henry thuds)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, good morning, Doctor.

Did you leave your what?

Your stethoscope? No, I'm afraid not.

Who? Oh, my husband,

Oh, he hasn't woken up yet.

Oh yes, he's still breathing.

Remove the what? But he
hasn't got any bandages.

Florence!

(Florence gasps)

Florence! Florence!

Florence!

There, there, Henry.

What's the matter, dear?

Florence, I've had the
most terrible nightmare.

I dreamt I'd taken money from the bank,

and I fooled around with a strange woman,

insulted the maid, and
smashed the furniture,

and (chuckles) even sent for Charley.

Imagine him with the life
he leads looking after me.

Morning, Henry.

Morning, Charley.

Oh, Florence! Florence!

Tell me it isn't true.

Yes, dear it's all
true, and that is Charley.

Oh dear. Well, what's the time?

Time? 10 o'clock, old boy.

10 o'clock, good heavens!

I should be at the bank.

Oh no, dear!

No, no, no, not this morning.

I phoned Mr. Jackson and he
said he'd rather you didn't go.

He's coming round to see you.

What?

[Florence] You better get dressed.

Florence, what about that 300 pounds?

It's in an envelope in
the drawer of the bureau.

Is it safe there?

If Charley doesn't
borrow any of it, yes.

What do you mean?

Yesterday there were 12 pounds in there.

This morning I found five pounds missing.

Are you suggesting that I took them?

Well, if you didn't, who did?

Henry, she's accusing me of stealing.

Oh no, no.

No, I don't think he did, Florence.

What do you mean you don't think he did?

I mean I know he didn't.

Oh.

Well, I hope he didn't.

Of course he did.

It was exactly the amount
he needed to pay Mr. Hobson.

I'm sorry, Henry, but if he
doesn't leave this house,

then I'm afraid I do.

Oh, Florence, you
mustn't talk like that.

After all, he's my brother.

And I'm your wife.

Yes, but, Charley, where are you going?

It's all right, Henry.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Oh, Charley.

Florence, you can't let him go like that.

I won't let you send him away.

Oh? Well, we'll soon see about that.

I don't care if I never
see that man again.

And that goes for you, too.

I'm not staying in this
house a moment longer.

Florence.

(Playful music)

Psst.

I found out what happened to you.

What?

Sit down.

Have you ever heard of a
hypnotist called Mendoza?

[Henry] Oh! Yes.

He's the one who put it across you.

Don't you remember him
getting you onto that stage?

Stage.

Yes. Remember?

NO-

- But you must remember Angel.

That's how you got that lipstick.

And that's why you pinched
the money from the bank.

What you're suffering from, Henry,

is delayed psychic suggestion.

(door thuds)

Charley, how did you find out all this?

Well, last night after you'd passed out,

I went to see Hobson and
he told me all about it.

In fact, he was so pleased
about you paying him back

that fiver that he actually
stood me three double whiskeys

and insisted I played
him a round of gin rummy.

And look, I won the fiver back.

Oh good. Did you tell him I was ill?

Yes, I certainly did. He
was very worried about it.

He said that if this
sort of thing goes on,

they'll be in trouble with the police.

So, he's sending Mendoza
round to de-pixelate you

and then everything'll be all right.

Oh, I do hope so.

(knuckles tapping)

Come in.

Please, sir, there's a
strange man at the front door

and I don't like the look of him, sir.

What's his name, Beryl?

Well, sir, this one knows his name,

but doesn't want to give it.

Is he small and unpleasant
with a black beard?

No, sir, he's small and
unpleasant with a black briefcase.

Is he in uniform?

Oh, no sir. He's wearing trilby hat.

Ah, that sounds nasty.

Tell him we're not in.

Very good, sir.

We'd better go and see
what it's all about, hmm?

Yes.

Well, after you.

Thank you.

He says he must see Mr. Sterling.

Which Mr. Sterling?

Mr. Henry Sterling.

(dramatic music)

I hope I'm not interrupting you.

No, no. We were expecting you.

Were you?

(chuckles) Yes.

Were we?

I don't know.

I didn't give the maid my name

because I don't like frightening people.

No, no, of course not. (chuckles)

Who are you?

I'm Detective Inspector Martin.

You are? (chuckles)

Well, won't you come in'?

Yes, won't you?

You are Mr. Henry Sterling?

Yes.

This is my brother, Charley.

How...

I've called to know if you can advise me

about a man who lost his
memory and keeps laughing.

He looked in at the station this morning

to see if we could help him.

All he could remember then
was your name and address.

Is that all you've called about?

Yes.

Nothing else?

NO-

You know, there's something
funny going on around here.

First, you say you were expecting me.

Then, when I happen to
mention that I'm a detective

you nearly faint.

And then when I tell you why
I'm here, you seem relieved.

I wonder why that should be.

I think he thought you were calling

about the money, you see.

Oh? What money?

Oh, just some old money.

How much?

300 pounds.

Does it belong to you?

NO-

- You didn't steal it, did ya?

Did you steal it?

In a roundabout sort of way.

Well. Well!

What?

And is there anything
you'd like to tell me,

I don't suppose?

No, I don't think so. I don't suppose.

Okay-

You haven't heard the last of this affair.

I'll be seeing you two gentlemen again.

Charley, what do you wanna
go and mention money for?

Now he know...

Hat.

His hat.

Heaven help me, Charley,
what have you done now?

Well, I only made a little slip.

A little slip that blowed.

You really stirred my cup of bitterness

with the sword of-

- Damocles.

Yes, that's him.

Look, Charley, I'm not being ungrateful,

but I really do think
I'd get on much better

if you weren't here.

Oh now, Henry, don't say that, old boy.

I mean, you still need looking after.

At any moment your
psychological bell might ring.

(phone ringing)

A ring! Charley!

It's all right. It's the telephone.

Hello?

Oh Honey, darling.

I was just gonna telephone you, my sweet.

It's my girlfriend.

What?

No dear, of course I hadn't forgotten.

No, it's just that I
had to visit my brother.

He's very ill, you know.

But Honey, I swear I'm with Henry.

Well, I was with him last night, too.

Now, Honey, you've gotta believe me.

Honey.

Honey! Honey!

(phone clicking)

Women.

They never believe a thing you tell them.

Oh, Charley, don't tell
them you're in trouble, too.

Trouble? (chuckles) Don't make me laugh.

It was Honey's birthday yesterday

and I promised I'd take her out to dinner,

and thanks to you, I forgot all about it.

(doorbell buzzing)

Psst! We've both gone abroad.

Very good, sir.

Can you hear who it is?

No, can you?

No. Perhaps they'll go away.

Oh!

There's a Mr. Jackson to see you, sir.

Jackson.

- Who is that?
- The bank manager.

Sandwiches in my safe.

What the blazes have you been doing?

Where's that money?

I've got it, sir. I'll get it, sir.

Sorry, sir.

You're Sterling's brother, aren't you?

Yes, that's right. I'm Charley.

I knew it.

I told Sterling there'll be
trouble if you were around.

(bright music)

Ah.

Here it is, Mr. Jackson.

Not a penny missing, sir.

Splendid. I can't thank you enough.

And now if you'll be so kind
as to take your sandwiches,

everything will be all right.

Thank you, sir.

Do you know who was with
me when I opened that safe'?

Mr. Montague Billing!

Oh no, sir.

Yes, Montague Billing, Director in Chief

of all our branches.

He asked me to cash him a
personal check for 300 pounds

and I opened the safe, and
I gave him those sandwiches.

Oh, Mr. Jackson,

I don't know how to
express my remorse, sir.

You see, I haven't been very
well for the last two days.

I haven't been very well
for the past five years,

but I try to keep my wits about me.

Oh, let him off lightly,
sir. He's a very sick man.

In the banking world we're all sick men.

Look at him in his
pyjamas at half-past 10.

You better take a few days leave.

See a doctor. See two or three doctors.

In the meantime, for the sake
of a 12 years' association,

I'm going to pretend I don't know anything

about those sandwiches.

I'll take these notes back to Mr. Billing.

You can explain to him later!

I'm sure he'll understand, sir.

I remember once when I
had to see a director

about an overdraft
without security, he was-

- An overdraft without what?

Without security, sir.

I've been running one for years.

(Mr. Jackson groans)

Has he gone?

Yes. Nice fellow, that.

Most understanding.

Florence.

Where are you going?

I've ordered a taxi and
I'm going to Mother's.

And I'm gonna stay there
until you get rid of Charley.

Florence, you can't desert me like this.

I'm not deserting
you. I'm protecting you.

And when Mr. Jackson
calls for that 300 pounds,

you can tell him to come to me for it.

You know the address.

But Florence, that 300 pounds

was in the drawer of the desk.

Oh no it wasn't.

What?

Did you really think
I would leave it there

so Charley could help himself again?

Ever since 10 o'clock last night,

that 300 pounds has been in my handbag.

But what did I give...

What did you put in that envelope?

60 sheets of paper from the bathroom.

(Playful music)

No, stop.

Florence!

Henry. No, Henry.

No, Henry, no!

This is no time for relaxing.

Henry. Beryl!

Florence.

Florence!

Florence.

Florence! Come back!

Oh.

Excuse me, could you tell
me which house is number 45?

Yes, sure. It's right here.

Mr. Sterling's house?

That's right. He's my brother.

Can I help you at all? I'm staying here.

Oh, well I'm meeting Mr. Mendoza here.

Oh, then you must be, um...

Uh-huh, I'm Angel.

Well, I'm Charley.

Oh, hello.

Am I pleased to see you.

Yes. Come in, won't you?

Oh, is Mendoza here?

No, he's not here right now,
but come in just the same.

Oh well, I don't wanna
walk into any trouble.

There won't be any trouble!

No, come in. I'll look after you.

(tyres screech)

(horn honks)

Charlie Sterling, come here at once.

Honey, my sweet!

Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Honey, darling!

Don't darling me.

Oh now, look here, don't get
any wrong ideas about that.

I can explain everything.

There's nothing you couldn't explain,

but I'm through, do you hear?

100% through.

Honey, if you leave me, I'll die.

Die? Nothing could kill you.

You're bad for at least another 70 years.

Men like you never die.
They don't even fade away.

(engine rumbling)

Honey. Honey!

Oh no.

Well, what was all that in aid of?

Oh, just a misunderstanding.

And it's all thanks to Henry.

If only we could de hypnotise him.

Say, couldn't you do something.

Me?

Well, I'm not an expert,
but maybe I could give him

a little first aid until Mendoza arrives.

You could?

Well, come on then.

(Beryl grunting)

Great Scott.

Good for you, Beryl. Hold it.

I beg your pardon, sir?

- Oh!
- No, wait!

Stop him!

- Oh, sir.
- We'd better get him

onto a couch somewhere.

All right.

Oh now, Beryl, don't break his neck.

Ah! He's on my foot, he's on my foot.

Move him. That's it.

Come on, Henry, up you come, boy.

That's it. Up.

Lift him up, Beryl.

That's the idea.

Come along, Henry.

Come, Beryl, open the door.

Open the door.

He's no mean weight.

No, wait, wait!
(Henry thuds)

Turn to the right, sir.

Don't take your head off, old man.

Easy does it.

He'll go right in.

[Charley] Put him on the sofa.

[Beryl] Should I phone for Dr. Smith?

No, no, don't phone for
Dr. Smith, of course not.

Now easy does it, Henry.

Hey! There we are.

- Hold on.
- Stand by to catch him.

All right, I've got him.

Mind his neck.

Ooh, there we are. There.

What's the matter with him, sir?

He's been hypnotised, Beryl,
if you know what that means.

(chuckles) Oh yes, sir.

My sister was by a soldier.

That'll be all. Thank you, Beryl.

Very good, sir.

Right, there you are. He's all yours.

Can you hear me, Mr.
Sterling? Can you hear me?

Yes.

I want you to count up to
50, and when you get to 50,

you'll wake up.

Understand?

Yes.
(mysterious music)

All right then, start counting.

1! 2, 3, 4' 5'

6, 7, 8, 9, 10,

11,12,13,14,

1,727, 1,728, 1,729.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, sir!

[Charley] Yes, what is it?

She's at the gate.

Who's at the gate?

Mrs. Sterling's mother,
sir, Mrs. Whittle.

Well, keep her out!

Raise the drawbridge!
Tell her we're not in!

She mustn't find you here.

Whatever you do, keep your mouth closed.

I'll keep her outta here somehow.

You thieving parasite.

Not content with your own dissipations,

you deliberately get in touch
with Henry to lead him astray.

Oh, now wait a minute-

- How dare you force
your way into this house.

I always knew when Florence married Henry

we'd have you to deal with as well.

- Well, now-
- I haven't forgotten

that wedding.

As the clergyman gave his
blessings, you hiccupped.

And at the breakfast
with your artful nudges

and knowing winks.

Oh, I was so ashamed.

- Well, I-
- And now,

like something from underneath a stone,

you crawl into my life again.

I don't suppose Florence
has told me everything.

Her modesty wouldn't permit it,

but she's told me enough.

Stealing money, telling lies,

introducing your baggages to Henry.

But you're not content with that. Oh no.

You intend to stay here.

Breaking up a marriage means
nothing to rakes like you.

Oh, if I were a man, I'd horsewhip you.

Now look, Mrs. Whittle-

- Don't argue with me!

Where's Henry?

Henry, he's upstairs.

What's he doing?

He's sleeping.

Where?

In the bedroom.

Oh, you make the very
word sound disgusting.

Has the bank manager arrived yet?

No he hasn't yet, but-

- Well, when he does, tell him
that I've got his 300 pounds.

Oh? Where?

In my bag-

I wasn't going to risk
any scandal in my house.

' [Henry] Ah, Angel!

What was that?

Oh, (chuckles) I didn't hear anything.

Who's in that room?

Nobody.

Oh!
(Henry and Angel chattering)

Now, now, now, Mrs. Whittle.

I don't need any rest!
I'm full energy! (laughs)

I might've known it.

Henry, what is this woman to you?

She's my lily among thorns.

Every time I see Angel,
I want to kiss her.

You unfaithful humbug.

Upon my soul, it's Mrs. Whittle.

Mrs. Whittle, the married man's menace.

Mrs. Whittle, the original hymn of hate.

(Mrs. Whittle gasps)

Mrs. Whittle, the soul of interference.

Are you talking to me?

Reluctantly, yes.

How dare you march into my house

without so much as a by your leave?

(Mrs. Whittle gasps)

There isn't any room for you!

You're too important.
You're too possessive.

(Mrs. Whittle gasps)

There's altogether too much of you.

Get out of my house and stay...

(Playful music)

- Charley. Charley.
- Oh!

Charley, did I say all that?

Yes.

Do you think she heard me?

And how.

Oh, Charley. Charley.

Henry. Henry, come back.
(Mrs. Whittle crying)

Mrs. Whittle. It's all
right, Mrs. Whittle.

- It's all right, Mrs. Whittle.
- Pull yourself together.

Don't worry, Mrs. Whittle.

- Have a good cry.
- My son-in-law-

- You'll feel better then.

Just relax.
(women chattering)

Breathe deeply, Mrs. Whittle.

(Beryl humming)

Can I shelter here for
a moment, Beryl, please?

Oh yes, sir.

Are you feeling better, sir?

Yes, but I can't stay in
this house with Mrs. Whittle.

I want to get a long way away from it all.

Well, why not get dressed
and go to the pictures, sir?

Oh, no, no, that wouldn't help at all.

Shall I get you a cup of tea, sir?

No, thank you, Beryl.

It would only choke me.

Very good, sir.

(mysterious music)

Beryl.

Yes, sir?

Why don't you come to
the pictures with me?

Oh no, sir.

It's not for me to accompany you, sir.

By Jove, I've got an even better idea.

Oh, sir.

Have you guessed what's in my mind?

Well, only in a roundabout way, sir.

I see a tropical island in
the deep blue southern ocean.

Do you mean abroad again, sir?

Why not?

My blood is anaemic with English rain.

My soul is heavy with the
mediocrity of suburbia.

I long for sunshine and romance.

Oh, Henry.

(dramatic music)

Beryl. Beryl, what
on Earth are you doing?

Rather forgetting yourself, aren't you?

You mean you weren't serious?

Serious? I most certainly am serious.

I have half a mind to
give you two weeks notice.

Now, get on with your work.

Oh no you don't.

What?

You've led me down the
garden path once too often.

Well, now you can take the consequences.

Kiss me!

Beryl, Beryl, no.

Beryl, certainly not.

Now, Beryl.

Kiss me.

Beryl, certainly not. Beryl.

Put me down. Beryl!

Beryl, get up at once.

- Beryl, get up at once.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't mean to trip you up.

Well, you are

- a wicked scoundrel.
- Beryl! Beryl, put me down.

Beryl.

- Beryl.
- Get up at once.

Beryl, what did he do to you?

(Beryl crying)

Beryl!

No!

Beryl, do tell me.

No!

Oh, I better see what I can do.

When is Mendoza coming?

Well, he can't be much longer.

We've got a matinee today.

Oh, by the way, you
want a packet of money.

He doesn't work for nothing.

_ Money? Money.

Henry, money. Got any money?

No. Ooh, I've got this.

How much?

All there. Five pounds.

Good. Have you got any notepaper?

There's some in the living room,

but what's the use of that?

Come on. I'll show you.

Here's some. Will that do?

Good, that'll do nicely.

I'm sacrificing Hobson's
fiver to you, though.

But supposing Mr. Mendoza counts it?

Well, in that case to coin
a phrase, you've had it.

~ Shh!

Well, everything seems
to be under control.

Charley!

What?

Charley. Mendoza.
(mysterious music)

He's somewhere about. I can feel it.

Where?

Where have you been?

Why have you kept me waiting?

I always like to make the big entrance

with everybody waiting for me.

Corny.

Now then, what do
you want me to do, huh?

Look, don't ask silly
questions. Decarbonize Henry.

What'll you pay?

Oh yes, how much will you pay?

Psst. Psst.

Will that do?

Oh yes, that looks nice. How much?

A hundred quid.

Now put it in your pocket
and don't say a thing.

He told me not to give
you more than a fiver.

Ah yes.

Now then, oh, he looks so sweet, huh?

But he should not have
made me cross with him.

Look at me.
(dramatic music)

Look at my eyes. Go to sleep.

Nothing more will happen to you.

Everything is good with you now.

No more struggles. No more fightings.

Always now the respectabilities.

Do you hear what I say?

Yes.

[Mendoza] And you understand?

- Yes.
- Good.

When I blow on your forehead,
you will wake up. (puffs)

He is okay now.

Let him sit down for two or three minutes

and there will be no more worry.

It is so simple.

Well, thank you very much indeed.

Au revoir.

Auf Wiedersehn.

Guten tag.

(both speaking in foreign language)

Yes, I'll be seeing you, too.

Henry, say good...

Henry.

Henry, where are you going?

I'm going to get dressed.

And then I'm going to tell
Mr. Billing everything.

Are you crazy?

No, I'm absolutely normal now,

and it's time I put my cards on the table.

Now Henry, come back. Don't be a fool.

You'll get the sack.

This was a very good idea, Angel.

Just for two minutes' work, 100 pounds.

Hey, wait a minute. I dunno.

It looked kinda funny to me.

He just sort of handed it over as though

he was glad to get rid of it or something.

You mean you think that
there is something wrong?

I think you oughta count it.

Nothing but rotten paper.

Hey, look. Real money.

Paper rubbish.

Oh, but you can't do that.

Oh no, but you can. Come.

(doorbell buzzing)

(knocker tapping)

Open up at once. At once, I say!

Do you hear me?

Oh, gracious.

Can't see a soul.

Open the door at once!

Where is he?

Oh, you treacherous mockery of loyalty.

What have you done to me?

What have you done to Montague Billing?

It's all right, sir.

- I can explain, sir.
- It's too late.

I handed Mr. Billing that envelope

just as you gave it to me.

Three minutes later he collapsed.

I had to take him to a doctor.

Four injections before
he could even speak.

You've ruined me. I'm finished.

Absolutely and irrevocably
finished! (gasps)

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Henry!

Loosen his tie.

He has a seizure.

- Come along.
- Take him

into the dining room.

- All right.
- Look, Charley.

(group speaking all at once)

Henry, get some water or something.

Get some air. Here we are.

- Here we are, sir. Sit down.
- Breathe more easily.

Be all right, sir.

I sat in that office
with Montague Billing

and watched him open that envelope.

He started to count those pieces of paper.

I sat there watching him.

Actually counted up to three

before I realised they
weren't five pound notes.

What made you realise that, sir?

I suddenly saw a little notice.

"This package is about to run out."

Oh dear, I don't know what to say, sir,

and I don't know how to say it.

Where's that money?

It's all right, sir. It's
all right, we've got it.

No we haven't.

What? Oh yes, no, of course.

- My wife has it.
- No she hasn't.

Mrs. Whittle's got it.

But Florence took it away with her.

Mrs. Whittle brought it back.

Give me a whiskey.

Give me a large-double-triple
scotch whiskey.

Ought you to have it, sir?

Where do you keep it?

In the living room, sir.

My goodness. Come back, come back!

Henry, that isn't scotch.

What is it, Irish?

I think it's Welsh.

Are you all right, sir?

Certainly. I'm gonna have some more.

But it's deliberate suicide.

In a worried sort of way
I'm beginning not to care.

[Mrs. Whittle] Woo-ooh!

What's that?

Sounds like Mrs. Whittle.

Why did she scream?

I don't know.

We better go and find out.

You go first, old boy.

Oh, get out of my way.

Where is my bag?

Oh, thank heaven, there it is.

I thought I'd left it in the hall.

I quite expected to find that
your brother had stolen it.

Stolen what?

The 300 pounds.

You mean my 300 pounds?

Yes, that's right.

That money belongs to Mr. Jackson.

Will you give it to him, please?

Mr. Jackson, I didn't recognise you.

What have you done to yourself?

Give that to me.

- Well!
- And now, Sterling,

I'm going to count these notes myself.

Certainly, sir.

And you're going to count them with me.

Certainly, sir.

- Ready?
- Yes, sir.

Right.

- One.
- One.

- Two.
- Two.

Three, three, three. (stammering)

- Mendoza!
- Yes!

(Mr. Jackson laughing)
(dramatic music)

(Playful music)

- Come on.
- All right.

(playful music continues)

Oi. (whistles)

What's the matter?

Going to telephone Honey.

What for?

We need her help.

But she said she was never
going to speak to you again.

You don't know Honey. (chuckles)

Whatever made me listen
to you I'll never know,

but now that we're here, let's get going.

What time does Mendoza start his act?

[Charley] In another couple of minutes.

- You ready?
- Sure.

[Charley] Okay, come on.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me the way
to the High Street, please?

Straight down and
the second on the left.

Do you mean down by the traffic lights?

No, miss. I'll show you.

Oh, fine.

Just straight along and
the second on the left.

Oh, I see fine.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome, miss.

(audience laughing)
(man barking)

(audience applauds)

[Mendoza] Ladies and gentlemen.

Take it backstage after the act's over.

I cannot sufficiently
stress the importance

that nobody leave me without
first being brought back

to normal condition.

Even for them it could be very serious.

But don't worry!

Before they leave the stage,

I will bring them safely
back to all the unhappiness

of complete consciousness.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

There's no money here, Charley.

Are you sure this is Mendoza's room?

Well, of course I am.

He's got his name on the door, hasn't he?

- Yes.
- Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

I bet he gave it to Angel.

Let's go and have a look.

(audience laughs)

All clear, come on.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

Okay, come on.

Supposing somebody comes in?

Mendoza doesn't finish his
act for another 10 minutes yet.

Now, come on. Look for that money.

I don't much like tampering
with the lady's belongings.

Well don't put it like that.

We're looking for your
300 quid, aren't we?

Oh, look.

What?

False eyelashes.

What about 'em?

Oh aren't they terrible.

These people are nothing but
deception from top to bottom.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Put 'em away. Look for the money.

(dramatic music)

What's that?

Mendoza must've finished his act.

You said he had another 10 minutes.

My watch must be slow. Come on, then.

- Here we go.
- Here she comes.

Come on, hide.

What are you doing there?

[Henry] Hiding.

Don't be silly. Hide in the basket.

(upbeat music)

# Mona, Mona, Mona #

# Really something in mind #

# I wish that I could
own you, honest I do #

# I'd like to take you home
and build a fence around you #

# Oh, you know you do,
you know you love me #

# If you love me give me a sign #

# It's plain to see your kiss
could be a dangerous thing #

# But who's afraid of danger, baby #

# Where is that scene #

(performers singing)
(hangers scraping)

# Mona #

# And let you call me Mona mine #

# Oh, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona #

# You are really something divine #

# I wish that I could
own you, honest I do #

# I'd like to take you home
and build a fence around you #

# Oh, you know you do,
you know you love me #

# If you love me, give me a sign #

# It's plain to see your kiss
could be a dangerous thing #

(door thuds)

Come on, she's gone.

What have you got there?

Look your money.

Good heavens, where was it'?

In Angel's stocking.
Weren't you watching?

Certainly not.

- Come on, let's go.
- (chuckles) Okay.

Look out!

# There's the gal that all
the boys are crazy about #

All right?

I hope so.

Yes. Come on.

# She's a honey and it's funny #

# When she goes out #
Yes.

# Everywhere she goes
all the fellas shout #

' [Henry] Mendoza!

Henry!

Henry!

Henry!

(man speaking in foreign language)

Henry!
' Anyone?

(man speaking in foreign language)

I'm running away from someone.

(man speaking in foreign language)

(balls thudding)

I say, you all right, old man?

Would you like a glass of water?

Me very happy. Goodbye.

Well, come over here
and you can sit down.

There you are.

I'm so sorry to come in on you like this.

- Oh!
- Got a light churn?

- Hmm?
- A light.

# Really something divine #

# I wish that I could
own you, honest I do #

Uh-huh, yes.

~ Shh!

Oh yes, darling.

Oh, but Horace, baby.

# Don't you love me #

# If you love me give me a sign #

Uh, no.

# It's plain to see your kiss
could be a dangerous thing #

Mm-hmm.

# Afraid of danger, baby #

# Where is that scene #

Oh, but Horace, I-

(door clatters)

(door slams)

Uh-huh.

# Call you Mona #

# Let me call you Mona mine #

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

(tap shoes tapping)
(upbeat music)

Visitin'?

Yes.

Who are you?

Charley Sterling. Who are you?

I'm the stage manager.
I'm in charge here.

What do you want? What
are you looking for?

A way out.

You can't go that way. Come here!

(upbeat music)
(tap shoes tapping)

(audience applauds)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(performer speaking in foreign language)

(dramatic music continues)

Here, where have you been?

You're late.

They're coming up to your bit now. Go.

(Henry gasps)

(dramatic music continues)

(audience applauds)

(dramatic music continues)

Oh! No, no, no!

- Ho!
- Put me down.

Put me down! Put me down!

Oh no.

(dramatic music)

(audience applauds)

(dramatic music continues)

(audience members chattering)

Chocolate!

(audience members chattering)

(indistinct) Programme.

Chocolate.

Hey you.

No, no, no, it's a misunderstanding.

I can explain everything.

The lights have gone out.

(man speaking in foreign language)

(suspenseful music)

(audience applauds)

(everyone shouting)

(woman screaming)

(everyone shouting)

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

' (grunts) So sorry.

Henry!

You crazy fool! I only
want to speak with you!

Mama mia.

Watch out, Henry.

Charley!

Come on, let's get outta here.

Mendoza's after me.

- Hey!
- Just get in!

You still got the money?

- Yes.
- Good boy.

Henry!

Look!

(both whistle)

[Both] Follow that car!

I can't trust anybody anymore.

I'm surrounded by a lot
of incompetent idiots.

Somebody's going to pay for this.

Mr. Billing, it wasn't my fault.

Silence!

Both here and at the bank

I've listened to you for long enough.

You're fired.

Take a month's notice.

Where is Sterling? Tell me that.

Where is he?

Oh, he's probably gone abroad.

Yes, I know he wanted to go abroad.

Young woman, kindly
mind your own business.

Well, it very nearly was my business.

Silence!

(Beryl crying)

Never, never in all my
years as director in chief

of all the bank's affairs
have I experienced

such a scandal.

Oh dear.

What's the matter with you,

you doddering old nincompoop?

Mr. Jackson's blood
pressure registers 240.

He ought to win a prize for that.

(brakes squeak)

Are you coming in, Honey?

Not on your life.

You can sort this out for yourselves.

Goodbye, boys. See you later.

The matter will be placed
in the hands of the police.

My husband is not a thief, Mr. Billing.

Neither am I, madam,

but with opportunity
knocking and the wind blowing

in the wrong direction, there's no saying

which way the cat will jump.

- Henry!
- Florence. Oh.

Florence, I've got it.

Sterling, what have you got?

300 pounds, sir.

Jackson, what is he
offering me this time?

It's money, sir.

It's beautiful money.

Sterling, I understand that in addition

to all your other activities,

you actually gave one client
20 pounds for a 10 pound check.

Yes.

And another client three
pounds for no check at all.

Yes.

How do you account for
this incredible behaviour?

- Well, sir-
- Don't interrupt!

You'll go to prison for this.

Not only have you set at naught
the bonafides and dignity

of your position, but you have dragged

the good name of the bank through the mud

of derision and ridicule.

Why don't you dry up?

_ Shut up!

(Mrs. Whittle gasps)

- Oh no!
- What?

Look, Mendoza.

Ah, there you are. At last I found you.

Please, I only wish to be friends.

You what?

You see, there has been so much trouble

with the management because
of what I do to Mr. Boyle.

I bring him back to normal, poor man,

but still this evening,

Detective Sergeant Inspector Martin,

he warned me that one more complaint

and all my dates will be cancelled.

Quite right, sir.

Angel and myself, we would starve.

Well, why didn't you tell us that?

I've been trying to, but you
keep on running away from me.

Angel tell me that she lose that money.

Was it you who steal it back?

You bet we did. (chuckles) Yes.

What was that? So you
did pinch the money?

Well, we didn't exactly pinch it.

You see, it was ours all the time.

Well, when I say ours, it was his.

You've just arrived in time, Inspector.

Arrest that man.

Please do not let Henry get

into anymore trouble for anything.

It was my fault.

At the musical hall I hypnotise him.

Hypnotism. (scoffs)

Fiddlesticks. Rubbish.

I don't believe in hypnotism.

Oh, you do not believe
in the mystic power, hmm?

You are another septic.

Come with me, please.

I have something to tell you.

Very private.

Is it anything to do with the bank?

Could be.

Well, tell me then.

A fine state of affairs, I must say.

And all your fault.

Leave Henry alone, Mother.

Charley's the cause of all the trouble.

I like that. I was only trying to help.

If he presses that
charge, you're for it.

- Prison.
- The sack.

My stethoscope.

Never have I had such a quick success.

Absolutely now he does
believe in hypnotism.

Ah, Henry my boy, what's all this I hear

about trouble at the bank?

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Billing.

Sorry? (laughs) Oh, nonsense.

You're overworked that's all.

Take a month's holiday with pay.

What about the charge, sir?

Oh, forget it, my dear Inspector.

Very commendable work on your part,

but quite unnecessary.

Here, have a cigar. Have several cigars.

Thank you, I don't smoke.

Mr. Sterling.

Yes'?

Do I understand that you're in need

of some financial assistance?

Who, me?

Oh no, I have no security.

Security? (laughs)

Whoever heard about security?

Have a word with Jackson in the morning.

He'll fix you up with an
overdraft. (clicks tongue)

(Mrs. Whittle gasps)

And that reminds me, Jackson,
it's time you had a rise.

I'll recommend it to the directors.

And you, my dear doctor,
you shall have my appendix.

Tea, madam?

Ah!

(dishes clattering)

(Playful music)

[Beryl] Oh, sir!

Say, you are a cad.

What a wonderful girl.

(Beryl giggling)

Oh, my blood is anaemic with English rain.

I long for sunshine and romance.

Oh, sir.

You and I on a tropical
island with flowers in our hair.

(gentle music)

Henry dear, I only hope
that from now onwards

you're going to behave yourself.

Oh, don't worry dear,
from now on I'm going

to be perfectly normal.

(mysterious music)

(bright orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)