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reynolds.
That's me.
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Yup, right here. How are ya?
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How are ya?
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from october 28, 2008, to
november 1, 2008,
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you were
issued a series of parking
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citations totaling $1,300.
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Who are these people?
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oh, uh, these people are here
to corroborate my story.
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it's a parking violation.
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oh, well, I think you'll find it goes
much, much deeper than that.
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Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court
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will realize that we were all victims of
a terrible ordeal that caused
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each and every one of us great physical
and emotional trauma.
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and what is this ordeal?
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the philadelphia phillies winning
the world series, your honor.
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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".
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05 X 06
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The World Series Defense
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translate on Addic7ed.com By:
YesCool
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00:01:03,913 --> 00:01:09,896
WwW.addic7ed.com
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Okay, Mr. Reynolds, on what...
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grounds are you contesting...
These tickets?
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What grounds? Where do we even begin?
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On many grounds. Your
honor, many, many grounds.
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And let the record show... that we are
waiving our right to... an attorney.
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Just explain to me why you...
feel you should not have been...
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issued these tickets.
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Okay, um, yeah, well, I think...
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in order to do that, we should...
probably start at the top of the... story.
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I know what the story is.
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It was game five of the world...
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series, and we actually had... tickets.
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And needless to say, I
mean, we... were pumped!
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World series, baby, oh, yeah!
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What's up, fellas?
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What's going on, man?
Not wearing any colors?
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Not supporting the team, dude?
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Wearing colors? Why the hell
would I be wearing... colors...?
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Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!
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00:02:11,417 --> 00:02:12,742
Guys, this is one of the few...
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times where it is acceptable to
be shirtless in a public forum.
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So I'm blasting bare chest the
whole time. What do you think?
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I think you're gonna be cold as shit.
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I'm not gonna be cold at all
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because I'm gonna be wasted
on grain alcohol.
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Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever
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there's a potential riot, I'm
getting blasted on grain alcohol.
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Put some of that on my bug bites.
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We're not gonna be wasting our fine grain
alcohol on your goddamn bug bites, idiots.
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Yeah, we need it for pre-gaming.
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I am not watching this game sober.
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No. What, you want to remember it?
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- Charlie...
- Back to back.
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All right, what's going on with you guys?
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We got bedbugs, dude.
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Oh, man, the place is infested with
them. Some guy brought 'e Haiti.
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World series, bitches! What
is up?! Whoomp, there it is!
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The plan's still on, right?
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Oh, shit, yeah, baby girl, plan is on!
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Wait! Time-out! There's a plan?
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Oh, there's always a plan, buddy.
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Well, tell me about this. What's the plan?
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Okay, in the bottom of the ninth
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when the Phillies are up by, like,
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00:03:02,828 --> 00:03:04,889
50 or 60 runs, Dennis and I are gonna
start beating the shit out of each other.
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00:03:05,002 --> 00:03:06,451
Right, which will attract
the attention of security.
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00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:08,919
Yeah, and that's when I run
on the field and kiss a player.
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00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:14,602
And I'm gonna toss out Green man
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and run around the field
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and go crazy as green man...
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No, don't, don't toss out green man
because in this particular case,
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the Phillie phanatic really
reigns supreme, okay?
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We're talking about the Phillies
here. Leave that for other shit.
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Are you kidding me?
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- Dude, people love that guy.
- They love him.
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I don't love him! I'm sick of him!
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He's got a stranglehold on
the Phillie mascot scene,
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it's not fair.
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00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,589
I got a pretty good thing
going with green man.
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I don't see why there
can only be one mascot.
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Nah, I feel like there's only
room for one green idiot
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running around making
an asshole of himself.
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- I can't find the tickets.
- What are you talking about?
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I don't have the tickets in my pocket.
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00:03:48,583 --> 00:03:51,404
- What, dude?!
- I know exactly where I left them.
88
00:03:51,508 --> 00:03:53,492
I left them on the coffee
table in the apartment.
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00:03:53,612 --> 00:03:55,079
Well, dude, we don't have time
to go back to the apartment.
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00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:56,989
We're not gonna get a good
spot for the tailgate.
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00:03:56,997 --> 00:03:58,337
We gotta get back and get them.
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00:03:58,423 --> 00:04:01,636
Wait, wait, wait! Dennis,
Charlie, why don't you go
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to the parking lot, get us a
good spot? We'll go get the tickets.
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00:04:03,497 --> 00:04:05,980
- All right, let's move, man.
- I forgot the tickets.
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00:04:06,057 --> 00:04:08,368
I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just
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making the sandwiches. By the way...
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Shut up!
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00:04:13,512 --> 00:04:15,149
Okay, I think it's important to figure out
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which player I want to kiss when
I thrust myself out on that field.
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00:04:17,838 --> 00:04:20,439
I'm going Shane Victorino right now.
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00:04:20,547 --> 00:04:21,880
Strong choice, but centerfield,
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way too far. You'll get you jacked
up before you get anywhere close.
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Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating
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the building for bedbugs!
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How did you not know that
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were bug-bombing your apartment, bro?
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00:04:33,331 --> 00:04:36,123
I can't read every flyer that
gets slipped under the door!
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Jesus Christ...
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- Well, now what are we gonna do?
- I don't know. We gotta go...
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Go get the tickets! Hurry up, hurry up!
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00:04:41,354 --> 00:04:43,808
I'm not going in there!
That's full of toxic smoke.
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We'll go buy gas masks.
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We don't have time for
gas masks! Frank, come on.
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It's not that poisonous.
Just go really fast.
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- Go really fast.
- All right.
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00:04:51,315 --> 00:04:52,766
Jesus Christ.
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00:04:58,708 --> 00:05:00,712
- Oh, God! My eyes are burning!
- Now what?
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00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:04,605
All right, fine, I'll have to scale the building,
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00:05:04,696 --> 00:05:07,024
cut a hole in the tent, smash through the
window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.
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00:05:07,562 --> 00:05:09,903
You are not capable of doing that.
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00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:13,441
I absolutely have the upper-body
strength to accomplish that.
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- Are you kidding me?!
- Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it! Will you shut up?!
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Calling the boys to tell
them we're gonna be late.
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They're doing that right now?
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All right, keep me posted.
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00:05:23,613 --> 00:05:26,374
Bro, they are bug-bombing your building
right now. They got the whole thing tented.
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00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,420
Those guys can't get in
there to get the tickets.
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00:05:28,519 --> 00:05:30,503
No, there's no way they're gonna.
I mean, that's poisonous gas, dude.
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00:05:30,599 --> 00:05:32,579
- You can't breath that.
- Screw 'em, right?
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00:05:32,997 --> 00:05:34,822
What are you suggesting, maybe
we sneak into the game?
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00:05:34,937 --> 00:05:36,684
I want to get into that game. I don't
even want to tailgate anymore, bro.
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You're right, we gotta sneak in.
All right, we're gonna sneak.
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00:05:39,622 --> 00:05:41,154
How are we gonna sneak in, though, bro?
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The security's gonna be crazy.
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00:05:43,028 --> 00:05:44,698
There's a couple ways you can do it.
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00:05:44,837 --> 00:05:47,962
There's a couple ways you can do it.
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00:05:48,069 --> 00:05:50,428
One, we can take the secret tunnel
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that goes from the Holliday
inn into the stadium...
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00:05:52,904 --> 00:05:54,846
- What the hell are you talking about?
- This is common knowledge, bro, there is.
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They built a secret tunnel so
that the visiting players can
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get safely back to the hotel
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without the Phillies fans hammering 'em.
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00:06:01,298 --> 00:06:02,642
We're passionate fans,
you know what I mean?
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00:06:02,645 --> 00:06:04,015
Passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.
145
00:06:04,115 --> 00:06:05,449
So they got a tunnel for that, really?
146
00:06:05,464 --> 00:06:06,796
Wow. Don't you think there's
gonna be security there, too?
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00:06:06,797 --> 00:06:08,113
There might.
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00:06:08,114 --> 00:06:10,289
All right, you know what? I got it. We're
gonna do a Charlie one-two, all right?
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00:06:10,290 --> 00:06:11,648
You're gonna do this, okay?
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00:06:11,763 --> 00:06:14,650
One, you jump in front of a
car coming to the stadium.
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00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:17,963
Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you
if you don't give me tickets."
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No! No, that is a terrible plan.
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00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:22,750
How is that terrible?
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Because it involves me
getting hit by a car.
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00:06:24,436 --> 00:06:26,624
You'll be fine, bro. You're
drinking riot punch, man.
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00:06:26,737 --> 00:06:28,248
You bounce right off that thing.
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00:06:28,366 --> 00:06:29,800
All right, well, it's called
the "Charlie one-two,"
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00:06:29,812 --> 00:06:31,132
you do it.
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00:06:31,146 --> 00:06:34,654
Well, no, I've done too many, man. I
mean, the next one could be my last, bro.
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00:06:34,772 --> 00:06:36,458
I don't want to get hit by a moving car.
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00:06:36,542 --> 00:06:37,856
You'll be fine!
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00:06:37,857 --> 00:06:39,280
This is the world series, man.
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00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:40,694
I don't want to do it anymore, dude.
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00:06:40,695 --> 00:06:41,998
I could die.
165
00:06:41,999 --> 00:06:43,333
You do it.
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00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,750
All right, goddamn it, I'm
gonna do it. Let's do it!
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00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,320
One last time. One last time.
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00:06:51,938 --> 00:06:53,845
Crappy car.
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00:06:53,992 --> 00:06:55,686
Yeah, no, you don't want to jump
out in front of a shitty car.
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00:06:55,788 --> 00:06:57,259
We need rich-people tickets, right?
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00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,127
Oh, ooh, this guy. Right here.
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00:06:59,134 --> 00:07:01,248
- This is good.
- Oh, this is going to be a
173
00:07:01,378 --> 00:07:03,095
Oh, he's going to have such
good seats. Go, go, go, go, go.
174
00:07:03,234 --> 00:07:05,033
What are you doing, man?
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00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,225
Bro, that guy was going
to have great seats.
176
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,816
Yeah, I felt like I didn't
have a good angle.
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00:07:08,817 --> 00:07:10,201
- what do you mean?
- You just jump right out in front of it.
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00:07:10,202 --> 00:07:11,531
You just jump right out in front of it.
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00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,832
This guy will have good seats.
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00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,133
Don't get cold feet on me.
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00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,744
Jump out in front of this guy.
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00:07:19,829 --> 00:07:21,203
Your honor, so my friend here
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00:07:21,204 --> 00:07:22,932
pushed me in front of a
moving car. No big deal.
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00:07:23,023 --> 00:07:26,326
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times
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00:07:26,422 --> 00:07:30,102
and dire actions were need
to get those tickets.
186
00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,555
But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie,
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00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,902
because the guy saw you push
me in front of his car.
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00:07:33,998 --> 00:07:37,125
- Yeah, that's true.
- We didn't get the tickets.
189
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,538
so, you guys tried to scam your way
into the game by throwing each other
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00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,894
in front of cars with the hopes of
extorting tickets from the drivers.
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00:07:41,986 --> 00:07:44,230
your honor, let the record
show that the three of us
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do not condone the actions
of the two of them.
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00:07:46,317 --> 00:07:49,439
The record will show everything.
You can stop saying that.
194
00:07:49,541 --> 00:07:51,434
Are you sure? 'Cause she's
not typing very quickly.
195
00:07:51,435 --> 00:07:52,935
Shorthand. She's getting the gist.
196
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,058
I don't appreciate being paraphrased.
197
00:07:55,150 --> 00:07:56,920
Now, I choose my words very deliberately.
198
00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:58,494
Get back to your case.
199
00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:01,031
So, anyway, the three of us are
back to the apartment,
200
00:08:01,115 --> 00:08:02,425
trying to get the tickets.
201
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:04,419
And Mac is scaling the building.
202
00:08:05,456 --> 00:08:09,191
- I can't get a good grip.
203
00:08:09,207 --> 00:08:11,878
Guys.
I fond this garden hose, right?
204
00:08:11,906 --> 00:08:14,849
I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building.
205
00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:17,036
And breathe into like a scuba diver.
206
00:08:17,188 --> 00:08:19,586
- That seems just like it could work.
- Let's give it a shot!
207
00:08:19,736 --> 00:08:21,110
Go, go, go.
208
00:08:25,658 --> 00:08:27,431
Ok, how is it?
209
00:08:28,957 --> 00:08:31,619
- What?
- I get...
210
00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:33,142
- Yeah?
- You're in?
211
00:08:34,965 --> 00:08:38,261
All right.
Let's drink in.
212
00:08:38,288 --> 00:08:39,619
All right, Dee.
213
00:08:39,648 --> 00:08:41,588
Skip back to this place and
let's have a conversation,
214
00:08:41,717 --> 00:08:43,440
cause I got some thoughts.
215
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,942
Yeah I've been thinking about it.
Ryan Howard, right?
216
00:08:48,209 --> 00:08:50,751
If it's me I'd go Chase Utley,
100% if the time.
217
00:08:50,858 --> 00:08:52,794
He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee.
218
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,374
Do you know how rare it is in the National League?
219
00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:56,250
Yeah and he's hot,which is
like number one on my list...
220
00:08:56,365 --> 00:08:58,239
- Of course he is.
- But I really like Ryan Howard.
221
00:08:58,352 --> 00:08:59,967
You kiss Chase Utley
and that's it.
222
00:09:00,781 --> 00:09:02,209
Why are you pushing Chase Utley
on me,
223
00:09:02,243 --> 00:09:03,556
it's kind of gettin' weird.
224
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:05,791
Ok, look, I have a plan, all right?
225
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,408
And it involeves you getting
this letter to him.
226
00:09:08,409 --> 00:09:09,798
When you get out to kiss him.
227
00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:12,214
Now I've given this to Major League
Baseball, his lawyer,
228
00:09:12,339 --> 00:09:15,271
his manager, his mom, and he has
not gotten back to me.
229
00:09:15,383 --> 00:09:17,241
Which means he hasn't got it yet.
So just...
230
00:09:18,104 --> 00:09:20,506
- What's in this letter?
- That's not of your business, right?
231
00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:21,997
Just get it to Chase.
232
00:09:22,951 --> 00:09:24,623
Did you write a love letter
to Chase Utley?
233
00:09:27,097 --> 00:09:29,222
In a lot of ways, yes,
I do love him,
234
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,351
but that is not a love letter in the
way that you're thinking of it, ok?
235
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:33,024
There's nothing sexual, or...
236
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:36,676
- Ok, that sound good. Let's read it.
- Yeah, read it!
237
00:09:37,837 --> 00:09:40,035
Dear Chase...
Oh shit, there are stickers!
238
00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:42,259
- My God, this is good.
239
00:09:42,388 --> 00:09:43,754
- I wanna make it pop!
- You sure do.
240
00:09:43,774 --> 00:09:47,151
"Dear Chase, I feel like
I can call you Chase
241
00:09:47,273 --> 00:09:49,131
because you and me, we're
so much alike".
242
00:09:49,247 --> 00:09:50,733
Really?
243
00:09:50,859 --> 00:09:52,414
I would love to
meet you someday.
244
00:09:52,524 --> 00:09:54,450
It would be great to have a catch.
245
00:09:54,557 --> 00:09:56,731
I know I can't throw
as fast as you
246
00:09:56,841 --> 00:09:59,120
but I think you'd be
impressed with my speed.
247
00:10:00,914 --> 00:10:03,955
I love your hair,
you run fast.
248
00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:06,594
Did you have a good relationship
with your father?
249
00:10:06,717 --> 00:10:08,098
Me neither.
250
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,200
These are thing we can
talk about, and more.
251
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,421
I know you've been not
gettin' my letters
252
00:10:13,535 --> 00:10:15,633
because I know you'd
write back if you did.
253
00:10:15,742 --> 00:10:17,499
And I hope you write
back this time
254
00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:19,194
and we get to be good friends.
255
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:21,230
I am sure our relationship
256
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:23,988
will be a real Home Run".
257
00:10:27,898 --> 00:10:29,602
If you read it out of context...
258
00:10:29,714 --> 00:10:31,115
There's no right context.
259
00:10:31,241 --> 00:10:33,633
- Strip that from the record please.
- No, put it on the record.
260
00:10:33,746 --> 00:10:35,140
That one stays on the record.
261
00:10:35,187 --> 00:10:37,322
- Can we get back to your case?
- Let's move on.
262
00:10:37,425 --> 00:10:39,063
- Shall we move on?
- Yes let's move on.
263
00:10:39,182 --> 00:10:40,508
Sorry about that your honor.
264
00:10:41,028 --> 00:10:42,660
My God!
265
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,029
Who were you looking
to accomplish with this?
266
00:10:50,515 --> 00:10:52,931
I'm hoping that he reads the letter
267
00:10:53,044 --> 00:10:55,082
and realizes he's always one of the younger brother
268
00:10:55,184 --> 00:10:56,569
Younger broth... oh oh oh oh oh!
269
00:10:56,942 --> 00:10:59,764
The guy is like five years younger
than you, you know that, right?
270
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,676
Is he really?
271
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,025
Yeah... shit!
272
00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:04,395
The hose is gone!
273
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:05,767
- Oh God!
- Oh shit!
274
00:11:05,773 --> 00:11:07,073
He's breathing the poison.
275
00:11:07,074 --> 00:11:08,574
We gotta get those tickets,
I gotta get to Chase!
276
00:11:08,656 --> 00:11:10,033
- God damn it
- Ok
277
00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:13,281
The poison is so thick!
278
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,397
This hall is really bad.
279
00:11:15,517 --> 00:11:16,910
There he is.
280
00:11:17,186 --> 00:11:18,790
Let's go get him.
281
00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:20,541
- Frank.
- Frank.
282
00:11:20,682 --> 00:11:23,309
Where are the tickets?
283
00:11:23,429 --> 00:11:24,871
Leave me here to die!
284
00:11:24,992 --> 00:11:26,551
Come on, where are
the goddamn tickets?
285
00:11:26,657 --> 00:11:28,050
I can't find them.
286
00:11:29,323 --> 00:11:32,817
- I left them on the coffee table.
287
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,094
The bastards took them.
288
00:11:40,381 --> 00:11:42,301
God!
289
00:12:08,015 --> 00:12:09,353
- Hey, how are you feeling, buddy?
290
00:12:09,593 --> 00:12:11,040
I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.
291
00:12:11,157 --> 00:12:12,543
I was just blasted by a car.
292
00:12:12,668 --> 00:12:14,419
Yeah I know, you got cream, but check it out.
293
00:12:14,548 --> 00:12:16,791
I got you soft pretzel!
294
00:12:16,915 --> 00:12:19,090
Screw your goddamn soft
pretzel, you son of a bitch!
295
00:12:19,186 --> 00:12:21,070
I might be
bleeding internally.
296
00:12:21,189 --> 00:12:24,218
Dude, that's the Phillie
Phanatic up there man!
297
00:12:24,336 --> 00:12:26,824
Maybe I'll go toss and chop
with him a little Green Man
298
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,234
and he gets us in the game dude!
The Phanatic!
299
00:12:37,177 --> 00:12:39,280
Phillie Phanatic,
Phillie phanatic!
300
00:12:39,430 --> 00:12:41,448
Huge fan man,
seriously, big time...
301
00:12:41,582 --> 00:12:43,679
Are you serious?
302
00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:50,131
All right, seriously, man to
man, mascotte to mascotte.
303
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,793
I was wondering maybe if you could
help me gettin' in the game.
304
00:12:52,923 --> 00:12:54,662
Maybe hop me up with
Green Man routine,
305
00:12:54,783 --> 00:12:57,225
we could go in the
statium together.
306
00:12:59,226 --> 00:13:01,678
I'm trying to talk to you.
I'm trying to have a conversation...
307
00:13:01,808 --> 00:13:03,704
You're belly bumping me, all right?
308
00:13:05,408 --> 00:13:06,786
All right.
I'll give you...
309
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,144
All right, don't big-league me now,
here, man.
310
00:13:10,286 --> 00:13:13,348
Look, I'm trying to have a conversation
with the man behind the mask
311
00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:16,508
I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude.
Are you taking me seriously?
312
00:13:24,911 --> 00:13:26,480
That guy is beating on
the Phanatic.
313
00:13:26,608 --> 00:13:29,090
- Look, is it a hate crime?
- No, it's not a hate crime.
314
00:13:29,203 --> 00:13:30,824
Wanna hammer us in there anyway?
315
00:13:30,932 --> 00:13:32,364
Definitely.
316
00:13:40,464 --> 00:13:41,817
Yo, Dennis?
317
00:13:41,844 --> 00:13:43,184
Yo, buddy, what are you doing dude?
318
00:13:43,315 --> 00:13:44,787
- God damn it!
- What happened to you?
319
00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:46,646
Charlie pushed me in front
of a goddamn car,
320
00:13:46,762 --> 00:13:48,725
- that's what happened.
- Thatìs terrible.
321
00:13:48,857 --> 00:13:50,525
Why are your eyes all filled with blood?
322
00:13:50,526 --> 00:13:51,826
On account of the poison.
323
00:13:51,827 --> 00:13:53,769
Yeah, dude, where were you going?
We got to get to the stadium.
324
00:13:53,886 --> 00:13:55,224
Look, it's starting to get packed.
325
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,370
Just forget about it, okay? It's
impossible to get in that stadium, trust me.
326
00:13:57,472 --> 00:13:59,157
Take my word for it.
327
00:13:59,264 --> 00:14:01,778
We got to get in so Dee
can kiss Chase Utley...
328
00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:03,725
Well, how the hell are you planning
on getting in there, Mac?
329
00:14:05,272 --> 00:14:08,221
Uh... you put me on the spot.
330
00:14:08,227 --> 00:14:10,735
First thing that comes to my head...
331
00:14:10,736 --> 00:14:12,779
- telling me that I have it in me.
- All right, I know I
soured on that earlier,
332
00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:16,113
but you do not have the core strength
to scale the facade of citizens bank.
333
00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:17,500
- You just don't.
- What?! I work out all the time!
334
00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:20,079
Yeah, but you only work out your
glamour muscles, and you know it.
335
00:14:20,114 --> 00:14:22,688
- I work out my core.
- No, you do not work out your core.
336
00:14:22,723 --> 00:14:26,605
You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis
and tris and everything else is just fat
337
00:14:26,606 --> 00:14:27,914
- and... and ribs.
- Bro,
338
00:14:28,060 --> 00:14:30,411
I can do way more push-ups than
you, and that's, like, 16
339
00:14:30,446 --> 00:14:33,814
- different muscle groups, I think.
- That is beyond retarded,
340
00:14:33,849 --> 00:14:37,254
I can do way more push-ups than you,
even though I was just hit by a car.
341
00:14:40,351 --> 00:14:42,760
1... 2... 3...
342
00:14:42,989 --> 00:14:44,984
4... 5... 6...
343
00:14:46,030 --> 00:14:47,640
7... 8... 9...
344
00:14:47,757 --> 00:14:50,306
All right, enough.
Stop it.
345
00:14:51,116 --> 00:14:52,458
All right.
346
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,278
But you get my point, your honor.
347
00:14:54,522 --> 00:14:57,821
And you could see that Mac was slowing
down at the end there, and let the record
348
00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,947
show that that is because he only
works out his glamour muscles.
349
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,588
No! That's... that's bullshit. I did, like, three more than you!
350
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,133
- Yeah, but...
- Put that on the record, put that on the record!
351
00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:07,344
Uh, strike that from the record.
I don't think you did three more.
352
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,139
You saw it. She saw it.
353
00:15:09,593 --> 00:15:14,648
I need... ...this story to
come to an end, soon.
354
00:15:14,683 --> 00:15:16,880
Okay, fair enough, your honor. I will bring the story to a close very soon.
355
00:15:16,969 --> 00:15:19,018
Okay, so, let me pick up where we left off.
356
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,123
Uh, we were, we were at the
357
00:15:21,384 --> 00:15:25,026
parking lot, and I had just punched him in
the face for cheating, like he just tried to
358
00:15:25,061 --> 00:15:26,461
Stop handing me papers.
359
00:15:26,496 --> 00:15:29,553
- Why did you hammer my nose, bro?
- I hammered your nose because
you disqualified me
360
00:15:29,558 --> 00:15:31,872
- for no good reason.
- 'Cause you had bad form, dude!
361
00:15:31,873 --> 00:15:33,506
- What are you talking about?
- You were slowing down,
362
00:15:34,535 --> 00:15:37,666
- and you just tried to...
- That's bullshit.
363
00:15:37,701 --> 00:15:41,731
- Charlie, who hammered you?
- Just some overly passionate
Phillies fans.
364
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:45,768
You getting hammered by philly fans
is reminding me of something.
365
00:15:45,769 --> 00:15:47,395
There is a secret tunnel between
the stadium and the Holliday inn.
366
00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:51,485
- I know, dude! I was telling
this guy about the tunnel.
- No, that's not true.
367
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,127
They built it 'cause phillies
fans hammer people all the time!
368
00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:55,837
That's a known tunnel.
369
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:58,220
- Everybody knows about the tunnel.
- All right, well, let's give
the tunnel a shot, then.
370
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,495
- We got nothing to lose.
- It's starting, it's starting!
371
00:16:00,576 --> 00:16:02,691
Hear that shit?!
372
00:16:02,743 --> 00:16:04,125
I hear it. It seems like it's gonna rain.
373
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,883
Don't ever disqualify me again for a bullshit reason. I'll hammer you again.
374
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,289
Was your form off?
375
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:12,982
- Try to look inconspicuous.
- Inconspicuous?
376
00:16:12,990 --> 00:16:14,980
We all look like we've been
in a terrible fight, Frank.
377
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:17,288
Everybody in here looks like
they've been in a terrible fight.
378
00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:20,244
These two ladies are in the middle
of a terrible fight right now.
379
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:21,734
Philly fans are brutal.
380
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,228
There's the elevator! Go.
381
00:16:24,666 --> 00:16:26,389
All right, which way is
it, dude? Which way?
382
00:16:26,609 --> 00:16:27,911
Uh, let's try this way.
383
00:16:27,991 --> 00:16:30,649
The game is about to start, and this
damn thing is not giving me a signal.
384
00:16:30,684 --> 00:16:33,264
Damn it, I don't know if I'm
on board with this plan, man.
385
00:16:33,299 --> 00:16:35,786
I don't know, I might just go up to
the hotel bar and watch it up there
386
00:16:35,790 --> 00:16:37,277
and then join the riot afterwards.
387
00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:40,018
If we can't go to the game, we should
at least be able to watch it somewhere.
388
00:16:40,053 --> 00:16:41,533
We're getting in the game, all right?!
389
00:16:41,707 --> 00:16:43,019
Just hurry up.
390
00:16:43,392 --> 00:16:46,230
All right, hang on a second. This
looks good down here. Bingo.
391
00:16:46,288 --> 00:16:48,497
Look at this little room. This has
got to be something, right?
392
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:50,675
All right, here we go.
393
00:16:50,830 --> 00:16:54,992
- It's a linen closet, Charlie.
- Yeah, they want you to think
it's a linen closet, Frank.
394
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,726
- All right, check behind the
shelves and shit.
- Why?
395
00:16:57,761 --> 00:16:59,683
Cause in ScoobyDoo, secret tunnels
are always behind shelves.
396
00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:00,984
There's gonna be one.
397
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:04,307
Could we not base our decisions on what does
and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby doo?
398
00:17:04,308 --> 00:17:06,339
God damn, let's go out to the
bar before the game ends!
399
00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:08,161
- Yeah, let's go.
- Come on.
400
00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:10,709
- Shit, it's locked.
- What?
401
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,388
- It's locked!
- No!
402
00:17:12,389 --> 00:17:15,956
- Hey!
- Hey!
403
00:17:15,957 --> 00:17:17,502
Guys!
404
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,384
Check this out!
405
00:17:20,142 --> 00:17:21,951
No!
406
00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:23,435
- Holy shit!
- All right!
407
00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:25,009
- Is it really?
- This is the way.
408
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,781
It's dark in here but it
sounds like it's a tunnel.
409
00:17:27,782 --> 00:17:30,384
- It's dark as hell in here!
- I can't see anything!
410
00:17:30,385 --> 00:17:32,496
- It stings!
- Hang on, hang on...
411
00:17:32,597 --> 00:17:34,439
I found a light...
412
00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:53,468
Stop it!
Now!
413
00:17:54,684 --> 00:17:59,108
Are you tellin' me you all found a
dungeon at the bottom of the Holiday Inn?
414
00:17:59,109 --> 00:18:01,193
- No, no.
- No.
415
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:05,153
I just added that last part to the end there
to despise the story up
416
00:18:05,154 --> 00:18:07,883
'cause, for being honest, it can't seem
like you were losing it for a bit.
417
00:18:07,884 --> 00:18:09,788
- Yeah you weren't paying attention.
- But they are!
418
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:13,974
B... but the point is, we did get stuck
in that linen closet for six days.
419
00:18:13,975 --> 00:18:16,921
Yes, we did. And as you know, there was
a rain delay on the game, so...
420
00:18:16,922 --> 00:18:19,967
Yeah, we missed the game, we missed the riot,
we missed the parade, we missed everything.
421
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:23,847
Yeah, and the only way we got out is some
maid came after six days to get fresh towels.
422
00:18:23,848 --> 00:18:27,479
Yeah, how does a hotel not
run out of towels for six days?
423
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,231
Let the record show that we question
that hotel's sanitation procedures.
424
00:18:31,232 --> 00:18:32,895
- Absolutely, abs...
- It's a filthy place.
425
00:18:32,896 --> 00:18:37,482
And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days,
426
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:41,794
surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies and
what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point,
427
00:18:41,795 --> 00:18:46,331
my car accumulated the massive amount of
parking tickets that brings us before you today.
428
00:18:46,332 --> 00:18:50,465
So, I submit to you, your honor, that not only should
I be excused of those parking tickets, but I think I'm...
429
00:18:50,466 --> 00:18:54,113
- we're really owed compensation
for the entire ordeal.
- Oh yeah?
430
00:18:54,114 --> 00:18:57,035
- Cause we went through some shit.
- Is that it?
431
00:18:57,073 --> 00:18:59,727
- Think that about covers the bases, yeah.
- Good.
432
00:18:59,728 --> 00:19:03,080
Because I do not find that your
story excuses your behavior.
433
00:19:03,081 --> 00:19:08,648
In fact, it actually seems like you committed
a litany of additional crimes in the process.
434
00:19:08,658 --> 00:19:11,606
I order you to pay the original fine.
435
00:19:11,607 --> 00:19:14,896
- Next case.
- Well, I didn't want to do this, but...
436
00:19:14,897 --> 00:19:16,259
I'm calling kangaroo court on this court.
437
00:19:16,260 --> 00:19:18,089
A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.
438
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,467
and you know what?
439
00:19:19,468 --> 00:19:21,770
I'm gonna toss in my countersuit,
440
00:19:21,771 --> 00:19:25,540
"Charlie Kelly versus the Major League
Baseball and the Phillie Phanatic."
441
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:27,778
- no, come on.
- don't do it, charlie.
442
00:19:27,779 --> 00:19:30,024
He's got a stranglehold on the
mascot scene!
443
00:19:30,025 --> 00:19:32,738
all right, first of all, I had to call
him the frenetic.
444
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:35,745
His name's the phanatic, but, you know,
I'm gonna get sued by major league baseball
445
00:19:35,746 --> 00:19:39,136
if I call him the phanatic.
And let's talk about steroids!
446
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:43,203
Can we talk about steroids?!
Can we talk about steroid abuse?!
447
00:19:43,204 --> 00:19:45,559
It's bullshit!
It's ruining the game!
448
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:46,868
It's ruining the game!
449
00:19:46,869 --> 00:19:48,770
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