All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 05x01

- Stop it.
- You're getting hung up on 'can't',

and I'm not saying that
you can't.

- I'm saying that it is illegal.
- No, it is not illegal.

Says the guy who knows
nothing about the law.

- I can absolutely keep a
hummingbird as a pet, bro

It's no different than having a parrot
or a parakeet.

- It's a bird, bro.
- You really, you really can't...

and I'm not saying I agree with it,

it's just that bird law in this country,
is not governed by reason.

- There's no such thing as bird law.
- Yes there is.

dribgnimmuh a gnitteg annogm'I, eduD
. uoy wohsll'I dna

- You guys. I have huge news.
- Hummingbirds are a legal tender.

- I'm gonna get one...
- You can not...

To spite you I'm gonna get one.

- Hello?
- Where are we with gulls...

- You guys!
- You can keep a gull as a pet,

but you don't wanna live with
a seabird, okay.

'Cause the noise level alone
on those things...

...have you ever heard a gull up close?
It's gonna blast your ear drums out dude.

You guys, I'm serious,
I have huge news here.

The principal is here that you can have any bird
that you want...

I've got great news guys.

Got great news?
Got great news!

News, news,
news...

I just bought a house

at a foreclosure auction..

- Holy shit, that's amazing.
- Oh is it? Is it amazing?

Hang on, you're not
moving out, are you?

No, I bought this as an investment,
I bought it on the cheap.

You might have missed the boat on that, Frank,

not the best time to invest.
I don't think.

I beg to differ with you.

Now is the time to invest,
because all the prices are low,

as soon as the market turns around,
I'm gonna make a boat load.

Frank is talking about
flipping the house.

- Flip the house!
- That's he's saying.

I'm having a baby.

Do yourself a favor and flush it out.

No, that's not...

Flush it out?
No, I'm not pregnant.

I answered an ad for a couple
who wants a surrogate.

See, people who can't have kids, are willing
to pay a shit of load money to people like myself...

...who can carry it for them.

Wait. What's going on,
you're carrying someone's baby somewhere?

Hold it. I'm not spending money
on another little bastard.

- I did that already twice.
- Come on...

No, they're keeping
the baby, it's their baby,

how are guys not understanding
this?

Dee, before you continue
this babbling...

...does your thing involve us
in any way,

or you just kinda...
at us...

No, it's just, that's huge news,
so I figured you guys might wanna know.

It doesn't matter,
let's just talk about the house.

Hold on, hold on a second,
actually Dee being pregnant

is pretty big news.

We could take the house idea and the baby idea,
merge the two things...

It's just muddy though, let's just stick
with one, it's cleaner right.

- It could be an interesting-
- House.

- But I'm just saying that, if...
- House.

I don't know exactly how we are

- take it the two ideas...
- House.

- But I think...
- House.

- House. House.
- House.

- House. House.
- House. House.

- House. House.
- Go.

- Go. Go.
- House. House.

Flush, Flush,
Flush.

Deandra, thank you so much
for responding

- to our ad in the paper.
- You're welcome.

We had so many let downs
going through the agency,

we thought we'd just try
to find the surrogate by ourselves.

I just feel really honored to be able to provide
the service for a lovely couple like yourselves.

Good, thank you.

So we just had a couple of questions
we'd like to ask you if that's okay.

- Honey...
- Okay... so sorry,

but do you have any history
with drugs or alcohol?

Never, neither.

Any family history
of mental illness?

Well, my brother
is a dick, if that counts.

- I don't think so.
- Just a joke though...

The next one.

So what about your
medical history,

is there are any health problems
we should know about?

I'm gonna be honest with you, I have never had
a health problem in my entire life.

- Clean as a whistle.
- That's amazing.

- Down here, up here wherever
- This is all great news.

- Isn't it?
- Yes. Really is.

So let's talk turkey,
and by that, I mean money.

We just thought we'd pay the standard
rate of 20.000 dollars.

20 thousand? Okay, I like
the sound of that.

I'm gonna throw something at you guys,
so brace yourselves.

What are your thoughts on doubling down,
so to speak,

and going for twins?

- Right?
- No.

Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing
to cut you a deal on the second one.

And we don't have to
stop at two.

I've typed up a price sheet I would like the
two of you to peruse,

if you'll look down around
number 4 or 5,

that's when you really start
to see some savings.

You guys wanna go for an octomom thing?
I'm game!

You wanna have 10?
You wanna out-do that bitch?

I'll have that conversation.

I'm kidding, I don't want
10 people inside of me.

This is great, I just.. I think we're
really just gonna do the one.

- I think it's what we want.
- One baby.

You gotta look for shit on the walls,
'cause that's what they do.

When they know they're getting
thrown out of a house,

they smear feces
all over the wall.

Really? We wouldn't do that in here,
this is a pretty nice house, Frank.

Little lived in, maybe.

I found something cooking on the stove,
that's pretty irresponsible.

I can't believe they left all this stuff
in the house,

What's the deal?
Do we have to burn it?

Get the hell out of our house.

- Jesus, there's people in here.
- Squatters!

We're not squatters,
this is our house.

What are you mean your house?
I bought this house!

- We own this house.
- You didn't buy it from us,

- you bought it from the bank, we didn't sell.
- Look, bitch, we bought it from them

because they foreclosed on your bitch ass.

- You got proof?
- Proof? What are you talking about proof?

A deed, paper work,
go get your proof,

- then, get back here, we look at the paper-
- Is that what you want?

- Yes.
- Now I give your proof.

Frank, take it easy bud,
you gotta use your head now,

think about the law. Allright?

What happens if you accidently hit a child
with an umbrella?

In the eyes of the law
that is child abuse.

What happens then?
In the eyes of the law,

you have to give your properties
to the parents of that child.

I'm sorry, little kid,
he doesn't know the law that well.

I don't even know what the hell
he's talking about.

It doesn't matter, we shouldn't bash
these people up.

No, of course we shouldn't
bash these people up.

Absolutely, we can cave the
husband's skull in here,

yes, we can take the wife down to the basement,
have a frenzy free for all with her.

We can tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs,
so they wouldn't hear any of it.

In that scenario we have to kill the kids, 'cause
they would've seen our faces.

Right, we can smear the walls with
their blood. Guys,

there are any number of twisted scenarios
that could play out here,

but I think the easiest thing, really,
it's to just go get the deed.

- Right. Why get weird?
- Let's just keep it simple.

From now, we'll take the
high road.

We're so glad we're gonna
get to work with you, Deandra.

Sean, I tell you what?
You guys are getting one hell of a uterus.

- Well listen, it was really nice to meet you...
- Wow! This house really opens up here, doesn't it?

From the curb, it doesn't really look like much,
but once you get inside, it's got a real ass on it.

Thank you. You know, it's always felt little
empty without a family...

Oh, shit!
Is that a pool?

- Yeah, 'course when the baby comes
we'll have a fence around here.
- Allright, allright.

- How deep?
- The pool?

- Yeah, the pool!
- 8 feet?

Oh, man! You guys jack knife of this diving board
all the time or what?

Ah, I used to be so good at those.
You mind if I get in?

We have a lot of stuff
to do today, so...

Errands are very important, but
really the most important thing right now

is for me to stay relaxed if you don't want
my tubes to get all tensed up.

So, you wanna go grab a swimsuit for me to borrow
or should I just jump in my birthday gear?

No, don't do that. Honey, do we have a
suit that she could borrow?

- Sure, go get you that suit.
- Good girl.

Allright, Charlie,
we're gonna be gentlemen.

We have a law on our side,
we just show them the deed,

and they vacate the premises and that's it.
No reason to be animals about it.

They changed the lock. Yes they did.
You were right, Frank,

- they changed the lock.
- I'm telling these people, they're uncivilized dead beats.

- We smash the door...
- Ready? Here we go.

And a one, and a two, and a three...

That was a bummer!

Man, gotta admit that felt very
unsatisfying to me.

- Yeah, I didn't like that.
- You guys wanna smash...

Yes.

Let's get another shot.
And...

Kick another one!

Good!

- My door!
- My door, dead beat! My door!

What's the shiatste lawyer doing here?

It is just so nice to see you
again, Mr. Reynolds,

I see the you're still just horrible.

Sure you're horrible too and
I hate your tie.

You know what? This family, behind me
has 90 days to vacate,

until then you can't touch them.

That's bull-bird, man.
What have you got there?

Let me handle this Frank,
it's not bull-bird,

he's making a few good points.

Hey, buddy, I know a lot about
the law, and various other lawyerings,

I'm well educated, well-versed,
I know that situations like this,

real estate wise,
they're very complex.

Actually, they're pretty simple.
The forms are all standard, boilerplate.

Well, we all are hungry,
we're gonna get our hot plates soon enough,

allright, let's talk about
the contract here.

Sorry, I forgot, where did you
go to law school again?

- I could ask you that very same question.
- I went to Harvard. How about you?

Where?

- I'm pleading fifth, Sir.
- I'd advice that you do that.

And I'll take that advice into
cooperation. Allright?

Now, let's say you and I go toe to toe on
bird law and see who comes out the victor.

I don't think I'm gonna do
anything close to that

and I can see clearly you know
nothing about the law.

It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the
English language in general.

Okay, well.
Filibuster.

Do you know what that word means?

- Yeap.
- And what's that mean?

I'll...
We're gonna...

I don't know. I'm all turned up about this.
I can't wait 90 days

to get rid of those people.
I mean.. I gotta sell that house.

Frank, don't be rash.
It's just 90 days.

In 90 days, there's gonna be shit
all over on those walls.

Those people gonna trash that house, we
won't be able to get a dime for it.

I'm calling a realtor right now.

Wait, Frank. Hold on a second.
Maybe we could sell the house ourselves,

save the 5 percent.
What do realtors do anyway?

They pop on a blazer, they walk people
through a house? We can do that.

Mac, the real estate business is something that
takes a lot of style and a lot of finesse,

- And that's something that two of us both have in space!
- Absolutely.

I'm thinking we do like a classic
"Good realtor, bad realtor" dynamic.

Oh, shit! I'm the good
you're the bad?

- You're the sweet to my sour!
- The honey to your vinegar?

That's good, dude!
"Honey and Vinegar Realty".

- I like that!
- I like what I'm hearing!

Okay! I knew that guy was full of shit.
I knew it!

- What guy?
- That lawyer guy.

He totally besmirched me today
and I demand satisfaction from him!

You want him to bang you?

Mac, be serious, okay?

He slandered me in front a jury
of my own peers. Allright?

Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.

Take a look at this picture, what do you see?

I see two trannies shooting at each other.

No, dude, they're duelling! Okay?

These are lawyers settling an argument
by duelling it out.

Now how do you know
the two trannies are lawyers?

'Cause it's an old book! Okay? I don't have to
explain everything to you about what I know!

I'm trying to get satisfied from this dude...

I'm getting satisfied, I don't care!

What are you doing, Deandra?

Collecting the money which is own me.

- Now I'm on maternity leave.
- What are you jabbing about now?

I got a sweet set up going on
as a surrogate for a couple of rich yuppies.

They have a huge house,
kick-ass pool,

I'm living the high life.
So suck on that, white stains!

Dude, I knew we should have done the baby thing!
Now there's a pool involved?

When was the last time you swam in a pool?
I wanna swim in the pool.

- It's like forever since I swam in a pool!
- No, no, let's focus here.

We gotta sell this house!

Then we can go swim in Deandra's pool.

GET A HONEY OF A DEAL!
HONEY AND VINEGAR.

- Vic, you got that another snack tray?
- I certainly do, Hugh!

People are gonna be here any second,
I want them to be well-fed.

- The house looks nice.
- It does look nice.

You jerks aren't supposed to be here
while my mom and dad are at work.

Your mom and dad aren't at work.
That's why they lost the house!

They're probably at the dog track
getting wasted.

- Dude, eat my boogers!
- You eat my boogers!

I'm smell that vinegar boiling up inside of you, but
I need you the save some of it for the customer.

Do that for me,
okay, baby boy?

- What the hell is going on out here?
- Frank, can you get these kids out of here?

Come on, we're gonna repaint your room
in a color that is not stupid.

Then we're gonna throw your toys
in the trash!

Listen, I need you on my team,
you're on my team?

- I'm on your team.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I just.. He gets me...
- It's cool.

- Hi, how are you?
- We're here to look at the house.

Of course, come on in. Hi, I'm Hugh Honey.
This is my associate Vic Vinegar.

We are here to show you
this house.

Good.
Okay.

- Come on in.
- Great.

Good.
Allright, this is the living room...

Okay, wonderful.

Now, what do you folks think?
It's a beautiful house, right?

Well, you know, I'm thinking this might
be a bit large for what we need.

- I'm sorry buddy, is this house too big for you?
- Now, Vic...

Just a second Hugh! Why don't you
ask your wife what she needs, pal.

I'm sorry, she used to something smaller
and you don't think she can handle it?

- I think we're gonna get going.
- It's okay, you guys.

I'm here. I want this to be a
good experience for you. Okay?

I tell you what buddy, how about I take your wife upstairs
and show her what it's like to be deep inside a really big house?

- What?
- What?

What?

You'll have to excuse
my associate.

It's just his passion for quality real estate
that makes him so intense.

What can we do to put you in this house?

I think we're just gonna go now.

- Are you going to buy this house?
- Are you going to buy this house?

- Are you going to buy this house?
- Are you going to buy this house?

Are you going to buy this house?
- I don't know. - Are you guys going to buy this house?

- Yes! Yes!
- Yes what?

- Yes, I'll buy this house!
- That's it, here we go. That's all I wanted to hear.

Congratulations, folks,
you've just bought a brand new house.

- Can we go?
- Yes.

Go, honey.
Go! Just go!

- I'm going.
- Allright, we'll be in touch.

That was amazing bro.
You think that's gonna work?

Bro, it already did work.
You heard the skirt.

She said:
"Yes, I will buy this house".

That is a binding verbal contract.
I heard it, you heard it,

and pussy husband of hers
heard it too.

If they back out now, I will find them,
I will strangle them, I will beat them into oblivion.

I'm full of the vinegar.

- Hey, how did go?
- Sold it!

- Sold out.
- Sold it? Fantastic!

Let's get another house,
flipping over, make some cash.

You know it's not really the cash
that I care about anymore.

It's the thrill of the sale that I'm responding to.

You know what I'm thinking?

Maybe it's time to
merge the two ideas after all.

- Baby in the house?
- Baby in the house.

Honey and Vinegar?

Okay, Jesus Christ.

Allright,
I'll get on it.

Well, well, well...

If it isn't the big time, hot shot, lawyer man.

Oh my god.

- I do not have time for you.
- Yes, so we both have busy schedules.

So I'll make this quick.

I shant mince words with you for long,
I'm challenging you, Sir, to a duel.

I accept.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I accept your challenge.

- Do you want time to think it over?
- No. No. Not at all.

What time were you
thinking of duelling?

Anytime is good, really.

Uh, you don't have time.
'Cause you'd have to go out and get a proper gun...

Mmm... No, I have a gun.
I actually keep one right here in the drawer.

You got one right there?
I don't need to see it.

I like to keep it loaded because you never
know who's gonna walk into a law office these days.

Safety first.

Let's re-think some things.

Let's say that you have
learned your lesson now,

and I've learned a little lesson.

We call it even and
I'll respectfully decline the duel.

Well, you can't decline.

As you know, once the duel's been accepted,
you know, there's no backing out.

- I mean that's the law.
- Yeah.

Anyway...
Great, this is settled,

and I was looking for something to do
tomorrow afternoon anyway.

- I'm gonna pencil you in for high noon tomorrow.
- Don't do it.

Don't worry, 'cause wherever you are,
I'll find you.

I'm gonna put one right between your teeth,
and it's gonna pop out the back your neck.

Deandra, can we
talk to you for a sec?

Hey. You guys!
Watch me bust out this sweet jack knife.

- Guys!
- Are you okay?

- Biff that one.
- You biffed it?

Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

- Could you get me refill on that guy?
- What is this?

Pina colada, I've been crushing
on them, they're great in the heat.

I don't think you should be drinking and swimming.

- Ding Dong. Hello.
- God damn it.

- Hello.
- No, no, no.

We're looking for Deandra Reynolds.

There she is. We're the wealthy homosexual
couple that she promised her womb to.

Did we are. I'm Hugh Honey
and this is my partner Vic Vinegar.

We're partners in real estate
and we're partners in life.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You guys...
- How are you doing sweety?

Excuse us for just one second.

Oh boy, it's good to see you...
What the hell are you guys doing in here?

- Do not ruin this for me.
- Dee, relax.

We're gonna start a bidding war to
drive up the price of your womb.

Why would I want you to drive up
the price of my womb?

Because if we make this couple desperate
enough for money, they'll sell their house to us.

We're buying every single house
in the neighborhood.

Check it out. We get the house and you
get a higher price for that kid you're crapping out.

Everybody wins.
We're merging the ideas after all.

I didn't wanna merge the ideas
in the first place!

We're merging'em, so get used to it.

We're giving Deandra
100.000 dollars to carry a child for us.

- I'll be providing the sperm of course.
- And I'll be providing the money,

because I'm the breadwinner
in the relationship.

I'm the trophy husband.
He's my bottom.

I'm the power bottom. Technically,
I generate most of the power.

Only because, I'm giving out
so much power from the top,

he need to generate power
to accept it.

- Dee, what the hell they're talking about?
- I don't know.

- But I'll tell you-
- Hey, Dee!

- Who's this guy?
- Splinter!

- There's a gate, bro.
- What the hell are you doing here?

Pardon me ma'am, sir.
Everything is fine,

- 'cause daddy is here now.
- Who are you?

I'm the father of the baby
this growing inside of her stomach,

and I need a safe place to hide.

What baby you're talking about Charlie?
I'm not pregnant yet.

Abort!

Abort!
Abort!

- Do not buy this house!
- There's a god damn gate!

I just got done with that lawyer,
he threatened to sue me.

What?
Why?

I had those kids painting their room,
and then

I told them to go down rip some copper pipes out,

their little hands got all bloody, big deal!

I had to give him the house
to settle the suit.

That's it! You all are crazy.
I'm asking you to leave.

- Yes.
- So, let's go.

- Please, leave.
- Are you sure?

This is a very inviting pool.

You heard the guy.
You heard him!

I'm so sorry about that.
That was nuts, wasn't it?

Yes.
You know...

- We're gonna have to ask you to leave as well.
- But what about the baby?

We're just gonna find someone else.

You guys! You got me there,
I thought you were serious.

We are serious,
Deandra.

This shit is like a bath tub.

Jack knife!

Cannonball!

Chicken fight!

- Chicken fight!
- Chicken fight!